Critical Junctures

So much has been going on in terms of my personal life, more specifically my marriage the last few weeks/months, that is one of the main reasons for my lack of posts.

It seems that after 5 years of marriage (my 1st, her 2nd), it appears that my spouse...the woman whom I chose through better or worse, sickness and health, for richer or poorer in a Christian church is feeling a bit of a mid-life crisis right now and may (if she hasn't already) thrown in the towel on our vows.

Sure, I've documented our troubles on occassion here before, and I know may issues may stem from my bouts of depression a few years back, but it seems my wife has made new friends as of late...ones with a much more secular and carefree lifestyle, where alcohol is a common theme.

I can't say for sure my wife has slowly turned into an alcoholic. Just the thought of that doesn't jive too well with me, but her actions and the stories I hear from others, and behaviors she has been exhibiting lately surely are out of character for a 39 year old mother of one teenage daughter.

Church is out the window altogether, and any attempts at marriage counseling have been met with opposition. She almost remind me of myself a few years ago...a proverbial Dr. Jecyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.

It sucks to go home at this point, because even when she is there....she is not 'there', instead Facebook is the new drug of choice. Countless hours in the morning, the evening, on the mobile phone...all chatting with long lost high school friends who never seemed to have grown up. The one common theme I see repeated over and over again is 'party, party, party' and 'alcohol'.

Not every evening is wine induced personality, but it is indeed becomming more the rule than the exception at home.

I was recently told that I am no longer 'fun', 'spontaneous', 'carefree', and she can't live a sheltered life anylonger. Well, indeed, I'm not the same guy she started dating 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. Our financial responsibilities have more than doubled, we aged 7 more years, I became a re-dedicated Christian three years ago, and I don't feel the need to be blitzed every weekend with the neighbors. No, I have a new job, a higher mortgage, a responsibility to God, my wife, my step-daughter, and my family....I can't shirk the responsibilities I once easily could at a 20 something single man who lived with one foot in the secular world on a constant basis.

One thing I have learned...the pain. The pain and fear of losing a loved one....a wife....is very similar to a bad bout of depression. My sleeping patterns are all off kilter, as is my appetite, and focus on teh job. I am giving it my all....prayer, support, 110%, counseling for myself one again (it was meant for both of us but she refused to go to the second appointment...and what appears to be all future appointments at this point).

The last few days it was actually okay, and she even said felt 'normal' (whatever that means...as she has yet to define really any problem with definitive structure). But last night her mood swung 180 degrees in less than 5 seconds when I asked her to choose a channel and stick with it while we were in bed. It was 11:30 and I was trying to sleep, and she was channel surfing nonstop for 20 minutes straight. I asked her to please be considerate and choose a channel and before I knew it, she had her robe on, pillow and blanket in hand, slammed the bedroom door behind her and attempted to sleep on the couch.

I know I attempted to sleep, but my spirit was restless, heartbroken, and in shock. Forgive my french, but "what the hell just happened?", I thought.

My in-laws and father are coming over this Saturday morning for a psuedo intervention. I have been in disucssions with them for weeks now, and my sister and briother in law are in complete support as well. They know that it takes 2 in a marriage that can cause problems, and it takes 2 to work them out. Well, I'm trying and not getting any response. Oh the details of the past months are much more in depth with numerous examples of mood swings, erratic behavior, and stories that would make you cringe...but then I could fill volumes of posts....and they aren't all just about my wife. Sure, my buttons can be pushed as well, and I'd be naive in thinking that I had no role at all....but unfortunately my spouse, the woman I love, and want and pray for a reconcilliation with is in deep, deep, denial.

I'm scared for thsi Staurday. Many people have already told me it will get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. I am coming the slow and painful realization that my wife has given up for seemingly greener pastures elsewhere....a life that clearly doesn't include me any longer...but I know our current lifestyle/arrangement we call a marriage is a joke and one of us has to pull the pin on the grenade to shake things up. Accoriding to friends and family, I have allowed thsi to go on for too long, and even though the outcome may indeed be a worse case scenario, I need to do it now...sooner than later....or I will become a mentally/emotionally/spiritually damaged person again..and God all wants His children to be happy.

I won't file for divorce....at least not yet....I have to be positive I have given it every single ounce of effort I possibly can, and then find just enough to give a bit more. I need to look in the mirror and be happy in knowing that I tried, that I gave it my all, but I can't force love and I can't force reconcillation.

Yes my friends, this upcoming week may be the week where my life is altered yet again in a major way. By this time next week, my wife may be out of my house. And I am not happy about this at all....it kills me and eats away at me a little bit each day.

Please pray for me that I have the strength and wisdom to have the right words this Saturday and that I portray my words and actions out of love and forgiveness and not out of spite and anger. I do love my wife, I never stopped....but one of us did.