Yesterday I spent my lunch in solitude, reading Psalms 50 thru 58, and trying to digest them. I found some encouraging words buried within, but I also had to read sections over and over because my mind was still having issues focusing.
I realize I can't turn back at this point. On Saturday morning I must confront my wife with the support of my in-laws, my father, and the verbal support of by brothers in church and my sister and brother in law. It's not going to be easy by any means, and every hour that passes at this point just signifies another hour I am getting closer to most liekly hearing the fatal words I so do not want to hear. The words that she has indeed given up and does not want to salvage this.
My prayers have been nonstop and emotional the last few days and only seem to intensify. It's all I can do to focus on work and make it through the day without the uncontrollable events spin out and infiltrate and spill over into my work environment. I know my appetite has been affected, and I've probably lost close to 5 lbs in just stress alone these past two weeks. I know that because all my pants are noticeably looser the last few days.
Last night as my wife went out to play Bunco, I met a brother in the word for dinner. He shared with me his story of pain and divorce and seperation. It took him 7 years to recover and meet someone new. He told of the years of solitude and loneliness and quiet nights alone....something I dread...but what is the alternative? Sitting home with a wife who treats me as a roommate instead of a husband? It seems I sit in silence anyway as of late with no human interaction, touch, or warmth......and it's killing me inside slowly.
The clonzapen and sleeping pills have been my temporary friends as of late, only just so to make sure my heart doesn't seize up from stir-craziness or stress.
Last night when she arrived home, she was kind to me and briefly explained the rules and gameplay of Bunco. She spoke of future things like hosting an event at our house sometime down the road...something I think would be fun, and I was surprised to hear her even say that, but clearly she isn't ready or willing to talk about 'us' or our marriage. I'd really like that myself, but in the back of my mind I'm counting down hours until the 'confrontation' she doesn't suspect I have the spine to ever pull off. And if it wasn't for my family (both sides) and my church, I may not have had the spine to pull it off anyway.
I had photo-copied two chapters of 'The 5 languages of Love' and when stapled together are only a few pages in length and can be read in under 10 minutes. I gave it to her on Tuesday and asked that she would read them, and she said she would. I briefly inquired about it last night, and she responded that she had not read them as of yet....that she was too busy at work...but I can only observe that she is once again on Facebook, or playing Bunco. It bothers me that these things take priority over a request I made that should only take 10 minutes to complete. I can't force her to do these things, just pray and try to be patient, but all the signs now show me that she is indifferent. I finally said, "Well, if you get the chance, I'd like you to read them so we can discuss Thursday evening." That's tonight, but time will tell. It's my last attempt to see if she'll open up at all before Saturday.
I tried to call my mother-in-law last night but she wasn't available. I spoke to my dad this morning for a bit, just for some support, and I'm expecting my sister-in-law to call me later this afternoon and my mother in law as well. As time marches closer I do realize that I still do not feel angry.....just hurt and heartbroken....and I wonder how so many people struggle and go through this on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Marriages need 100% devotion and work....when one party begins to falter or give up...it unravels at a miraculous pace.
No comments:
Post a Comment