**the events that I write about in this series took place almost a week ago, and a lot has happened in a mere five days to even keep up with, so I apologize upfront if things seem disjointed.
My in laws spoke with my wife in a gentle manner as she stood in the kitchen and over the course of the next 45 minutes there were some brief tears on her behalf and on mine. My wife admitted to not be happy lately, but it was beyond even our marriage....work, friends, family, etc. It just seemed to keep piling up and her attitude in general began to turn dour. The outlet being anything else that allowed for temporary escape from the here and now, whether that be alcohol, Facebook, girls night out, etc. She said my constant asking her "what's wrong" was only aggravating her emotions and she was feeling stifled and crowded.
She went on to say that her parents no longer 'knew' her, and nothing was going to get fixed in the next few days or two weeks. That really bothered me because I knew it was a long slow build to get to this point, and I missed some obvious signs and should have interceded long ago. I also know that it isn't going to get solved in just a few days and I never brought up a timeline of a few days or two weeks she kept referring to. But I was tired of coming home to a marriage and relationship that is seemingly in limbo, with only one party trying to move forward and the other non-responsive.
Her father flattered me very nicely by saying that he thought I was a good man, that he knew I loved his daughter, and that she wasn't going to find someone else like me....and she agreed with him, but it stung that she couldn't look at me.
Her mother asked her why she never went to counseling last year when she promised she would, and there was really no answer. Her mother and father then had my wife agree to go to counseling this week, and my wife said she would call Monday. However, she also directed some pent up anger back towards me again, "What do you want from me?"....I simply replied "You want your old husband back, I want my old wife back."
Other bits and pieces of conversation went back and forth, and by the one hour mark, her parents had hugged her and then my father began to speak to her. I took this time to leave her be as I walked the dog, help clear my head, and be happy it was all over. Even though I had witnessed her beginning to talk both calmly and rationally to her parents and my father, I knew she would harbor ill feelings towards me for the days to come.
When I arrived back home from my walk with the dog, she was leaving the house, off to see her friends for a weekend she planned sometime back. I'll be honest in saying I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was bummed because clearly this was a defining moment, and once again, she was out the door. On the flip side, I know if she stayed home it would be awkward for both of us, and now I needed a day by myself to collect my thoughts and dump my mind, and to pray.
My father stayed a bit behind to speak with me to see if I was going to be okay, and we just sat on the couch for an hour or so before he decided it was okay to leave me be. I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, going to the gym, watching some TV and eventually went to bed.
I also knew that despite my longing to go to church on Sunday, that I really was in no mood to either. I didn't want to face anybody there, and needed to continue to collect my strength throughout the day for when my wife would come home. I'm sure I hadn't heard the last of it, and I wasn't expecting her at home at all until very late in the day or even possibly that evening.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the garage door go up at 10:45am that morning.
To be continued....
April 23, 2009
April 21, 2009
Break today
For the first time in the last 3 weeks, I think I actually got a decent nights sleep, although I did wake up once at 4am and was up for about 20 minutes or so.
Also my anxiety level today is much less...helps that work has been busy.
Well, I have 20 minutes left of work before I go to the marriage counselor solo today. My session is usually just over an hour, and I'm not sure what I feel like talking about today.
On another note, my wife supposedly agreed to go to counseling on her own now and also supposedly called to make an appointment for herself, although she did not share when. I suppose I'll find out this evening when I arrive for my own session.
In the meantime, yours truly needs a little time away and am really trying to rally the 'guy' troops for a Saturday luncheon at this great BBQ joint I found some weeks back. Hopefully I can round up a good 5-7 of my closest guy friends and get out to live a few hours in the sunshine with my male friends and no discussion about marriage woes.
Also my anxiety level today is much less...helps that work has been busy.
Well, I have 20 minutes left of work before I go to the marriage counselor solo today. My session is usually just over an hour, and I'm not sure what I feel like talking about today.
On another note, my wife supposedly agreed to go to counseling on her own now and also supposedly called to make an appointment for herself, although she did not share when. I suppose I'll find out this evening when I arrive for my own session.
In the meantime, yours truly needs a little time away and am really trying to rally the 'guy' troops for a Saturday luncheon at this great BBQ joint I found some weeks back. Hopefully I can round up a good 5-7 of my closest guy friends and get out to live a few hours in the sunshine with my male friends and no discussion about marriage woes.
April 20, 2009
Eye of the Storm (Part II)
With my in-laws now inside the house and my wife thinking that this is very odd to begin with, the kitchen door knocked again just a mere minute or two later, and in walks my father.
It is at this point my wife begins to see the pieces falling into place and her preliminary quizicle looks turns to an icy stare directed at me. Within an instant I see the transformation of her deamoner go from intrigue to pure betrayal and hardness.
"I can't believe you did this.", she directs solely to me, as if there is no one else in the house and thus begins to storm upstairs. I knew this reaction was coming, but even with two and then some weeks of preparation, it still wasn't enough for me to steel myself against that 'look.'
We all sat quiet for a second, not sure who was going to respond or break the ice first. Eventually it was her father who slowly took the stairs to the second level of our house and asked his daughter to come down and speak like an adult. By this time she had secreted away to our master bathroom and would not come out. Her dad gave her a minute or so and finally came down. It was my turn to try and I ascended to the op of the landing asking her to come and speak with us...and to me. My in-laws and father could not see her at this point, but she emerged from the vanity and stood defiantly in our bedroom, directing an outstretched pointed finger in my direction, gritting her teeth, eyes smoldering like coal and demanding why I brought her parents into 'our' problem.
I explained to her I really had no other choice. I had given her over two weeks to open up to me, to make a first step after giving her as much space as she needed, and during this whole time she never once displayed any inclination of ever wanting to fix or admit anything. No, I was pretty much done paying the price for something I didn't even know I was paying the price for, let alone be ignored for one more day longer. If this marriage is to be over, then she will have to make a decision of some sort today....no more "I need more time", or "I'm not willing to talk". That is acceptable to a point, but at our ages (39 both) the continued silence and wanton attitude of hers had reached its limit for me. Not that I was ever mad or angry...I was completely sad and heartbroken, and everyday it was becoming a worse and worse struggle to want to come home and deal with. No, something had to be answered today, at least for my own sanity, even if it was to be the worst words I ever wanted to hear...divorce...but by-golly, something was gonna give today....she was either going to start to meet me halfway, or she was going to move out.....and I had full support from her parents, her sister and brotehr-in-law, and my own parents.
I continued to stand my ground to ask her to come down and speak, although I was to be on the receving end of a few more minutes of scathing remarks and accusations. 'Betrayer' was the worst of them, because I never ever felt I betrayed her....but normal actions weren't getting us anywhere, just making me sicker and sicker by the day....affecting my appetite, my work, my concentration, my spirit, etc. As my sister-in-law once said, "It's time to pull the pin. Be ready for the fallout. It ain't gonna be pretty."
Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, and no one was going to leave anytime soon, she finally came downstairs, but refused to sit. No, she stood in the kitchen the entire time, eyes shifting from all of us or to the ground, but mostly towards me. Thank goodness my family was there and God was with me, otherwise I'm not sure I could have handled it on my own.
We didn't speak about alcohol or poor financial decsions, and in a way I'm glad. Perhaps those are battles for another time and will be dealt with in counseling. Today's purpose was to get my wife to agree to go to counseling for 'issues' that were not only troubling her, but tearing this marriage apart at the foundations. It was done with love and not accusations. It was done not as an ambush, but to get her to recognize that running away may be convienent in the short term, buying some time to sweep thinsg under the rug, but the pile had been building and building and building and something was about to pop....most likely me, and I wanted to ensure both my wife and my family that I was here to save my marriage and that I love my wife and I had not given up. I may have given up 3 years ago when I was struggling to find God again in the midst of depression and pharmacueticals and even considered cashing it all in (if you know what I mean). But I survived that dark time, and now I noticed parallels in my wife's life and I don't want her to suffer the same way I did, or to hurt anyone either intentionally or accidentally (through alcohol or some other stunt).
The goal is not to deny the past and the wrong doings, but to know that God is love, and there is a way out if you allow Him in and let others help. The goal is accept what has been done, accept responsibility, possibly nmake some changes (small at first), but to move in a direction from this point forward that moves the marriage to reconciliation and into a Godly light. The goal for this exact moment was to have her make a decision,....that this marriage was worth saving with her involvement, or she was going to have to leave...today....and the decsion was hers to make. I couldn't force her anymore to do anything, including to love me, but I didn't have to have her stay at my house if she wasn't going to try anything.
To be continued....
It is at this point my wife begins to see the pieces falling into place and her preliminary quizicle looks turns to an icy stare directed at me. Within an instant I see the transformation of her deamoner go from intrigue to pure betrayal and hardness.
"I can't believe you did this.", she directs solely to me, as if there is no one else in the house and thus begins to storm upstairs. I knew this reaction was coming, but even with two and then some weeks of preparation, it still wasn't enough for me to steel myself against that 'look.'
We all sat quiet for a second, not sure who was going to respond or break the ice first. Eventually it was her father who slowly took the stairs to the second level of our house and asked his daughter to come down and speak like an adult. By this time she had secreted away to our master bathroom and would not come out. Her dad gave her a minute or so and finally came down. It was my turn to try and I ascended to the op of the landing asking her to come and speak with us...and to me. My in-laws and father could not see her at this point, but she emerged from the vanity and stood defiantly in our bedroom, directing an outstretched pointed finger in my direction, gritting her teeth, eyes smoldering like coal and demanding why I brought her parents into 'our' problem.
I explained to her I really had no other choice. I had given her over two weeks to open up to me, to make a first step after giving her as much space as she needed, and during this whole time she never once displayed any inclination of ever wanting to fix or admit anything. No, I was pretty much done paying the price for something I didn't even know I was paying the price for, let alone be ignored for one more day longer. If this marriage is to be over, then she will have to make a decision of some sort today....no more "I need more time", or "I'm not willing to talk". That is acceptable to a point, but at our ages (39 both) the continued silence and wanton attitude of hers had reached its limit for me. Not that I was ever mad or angry...I was completely sad and heartbroken, and everyday it was becoming a worse and worse struggle to want to come home and deal with. No, something had to be answered today, at least for my own sanity, even if it was to be the worst words I ever wanted to hear...divorce...but by-golly, something was gonna give today....she was either going to start to meet me halfway, or she was going to move out.....and I had full support from her parents, her sister and brotehr-in-law, and my own parents.
I continued to stand my ground to ask her to come down and speak, although I was to be on the receving end of a few more minutes of scathing remarks and accusations. 'Betrayer' was the worst of them, because I never ever felt I betrayed her....but normal actions weren't getting us anywhere, just making me sicker and sicker by the day....affecting my appetite, my work, my concentration, my spirit, etc. As my sister-in-law once said, "It's time to pull the pin. Be ready for the fallout. It ain't gonna be pretty."
Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, and no one was going to leave anytime soon, she finally came downstairs, but refused to sit. No, she stood in the kitchen the entire time, eyes shifting from all of us or to the ground, but mostly towards me. Thank goodness my family was there and God was with me, otherwise I'm not sure I could have handled it on my own.
We didn't speak about alcohol or poor financial decsions, and in a way I'm glad. Perhaps those are battles for another time and will be dealt with in counseling. Today's purpose was to get my wife to agree to go to counseling for 'issues' that were not only troubling her, but tearing this marriage apart at the foundations. It was done with love and not accusations. It was done not as an ambush, but to get her to recognize that running away may be convienent in the short term, buying some time to sweep thinsg under the rug, but the pile had been building and building and building and something was about to pop....most likely me, and I wanted to ensure both my wife and my family that I was here to save my marriage and that I love my wife and I had not given up. I may have given up 3 years ago when I was struggling to find God again in the midst of depression and pharmacueticals and even considered cashing it all in (if you know what I mean). But I survived that dark time, and now I noticed parallels in my wife's life and I don't want her to suffer the same way I did, or to hurt anyone either intentionally or accidentally (through alcohol or some other stunt).
The goal is not to deny the past and the wrong doings, but to know that God is love, and there is a way out if you allow Him in and let others help. The goal is accept what has been done, accept responsibility, possibly nmake some changes (small at first), but to move in a direction from this point forward that moves the marriage to reconciliation and into a Godly light. The goal for this exact moment was to have her make a decision,....that this marriage was worth saving with her involvement, or she was going to have to leave...today....and the decsion was hers to make. I couldn't force her anymore to do anything, including to love me, but I didn't have to have her stay at my house if she wasn't going to try anything.
To be continued....
Eye of the Storm (Part I)
I wanted to start this entry with a verse, but the one that I had in mind elludes me right now. It had something to do letting Christ walk before you, leading the way as trials and tribulations occur. Although these events may be tests, (or maybe not) it is to be our submittal of will to Him, that will ensure that He sees us through these tumultous times. Maybe it will come to me later.
Friday evening, after work I was very surprised to have my wife invite me out with her friends. Though I didn't want to stay too long (as I was reminded of our dog needing to be fed and walked, and I too was so tired both physically and emotionally), I chose to go spend some time with her. It was fun, and for the almost two hours I was with her and her group, I was actually able to let my guard down and create a bubble within the time-space continum which is our crisis and have a good time. And I think my wife had a good time with me as well.
I was home by 7:30 pm, and I felt slightly guilty towards that I had left our dog alone for so long. I fed him, took a shower and sat down to watch TV. My wife had stayed a little longer and was home just before 9pm. We spent the rest of the evening just watching a bit of TV, and were both in bed no later than 11pm. I knew it was going to be D-day the next morning.
Totally out of character for a Saturday morning, my wife was up by 7am (she usually sleeps in much longer) and already making coffee. I rousted myself out of bed by 7:30 myself and to keep busy started doing chores. I did a load of laundry, water the plants, took in the trash cans, folded clothes, etc...keeping an eye on the clock as the next two hours seemed to drag on forever.
At roughly 9:15 (with only minutes to go before my in-laws and father were to show up), I went outside and had a cup of coffee in my drive way. My legs started to feel numb and I just wanted to get this all over with. My wife came out as well, just minutes later to have a cigarette and ask me what I was doing outside...."Just getting some fresh air.", I replied which was the truth, but I was also praying in earnest.
At 9:25am my in-laws car pulled up in front of the house, and my wife was clearly surprised. "What are you guys doing here?", she inquired.
Her mom spoke "Oh, we were in the neighborhood.....Do you have any coffee?"
To be continued....
Friday evening, after work I was very surprised to have my wife invite me out with her friends. Though I didn't want to stay too long (as I was reminded of our dog needing to be fed and walked, and I too was so tired both physically and emotionally), I chose to go spend some time with her. It was fun, and for the almost two hours I was with her and her group, I was actually able to let my guard down and create a bubble within the time-space continum which is our crisis and have a good time. And I think my wife had a good time with me as well.
I was home by 7:30 pm, and I felt slightly guilty towards that I had left our dog alone for so long. I fed him, took a shower and sat down to watch TV. My wife had stayed a little longer and was home just before 9pm. We spent the rest of the evening just watching a bit of TV, and were both in bed no later than 11pm. I knew it was going to be D-day the next morning.
Totally out of character for a Saturday morning, my wife was up by 7am (she usually sleeps in much longer) and already making coffee. I rousted myself out of bed by 7:30 myself and to keep busy started doing chores. I did a load of laundry, water the plants, took in the trash cans, folded clothes, etc...keeping an eye on the clock as the next two hours seemed to drag on forever.
At roughly 9:15 (with only minutes to go before my in-laws and father were to show up), I went outside and had a cup of coffee in my drive way. My legs started to feel numb and I just wanted to get this all over with. My wife came out as well, just minutes later to have a cigarette and ask me what I was doing outside...."Just getting some fresh air.", I replied which was the truth, but I was also praying in earnest.
At 9:25am my in-laws car pulled up in front of the house, and my wife was clearly surprised. "What are you guys doing here?", she inquired.
Her mom spoke "Oh, we were in the neighborhood.....Do you have any coffee?"
To be continued....
April 18, 2009
The Day of Reckoning
It is 7pm right now and I sit home alone as my wife left to visit her friends about an hour and a half ago.
She's angry right now and not in the mood to talk to me. While she says she doesn't 'hate' me right now, it's clear she doesn't want to be around me this evening. She feels betrayed and humiliated.
Last night she asked me to joing her for dinner, and we actually had a very nice time. For the first time in weeks, we were laughing and joking, and smiling, and while it wasn't perfect, it was the closest thing I've experienced to the old us...of years back...before the depression hit me.
For a brief minute I thought about calling the whole thing off today, but I knew in the back of my head that one evening of getting along doesn't make up for all the previosu weeks and months of heartbreak, tears and loneliness.
She awoke at 6:15 which is unusual for her on a Saturday morning, and I laid in bed staring at the cieling until just before 7am. 2.5 hours to go.
I came downstairs and had a cup of coffee...and again there she was on Facebook. I watched some recorded tv, and she glanced up from time to time, and Ikept looking at the clock. As we got closer to 9am, I began to get nervous. I knew it wasn't going to go well.
I received a text message on my cellphone. It was a gentleman from church who was wishingme luck and stating that I was in his prayers. My legs felt wobbly, and once again, just liek the Sunday before, I felt as if I were about to faint.
My in-laws shows up right on time, and when my wife saw them, became slightly suspicisous, but cordial to them. It's when my own father showed up in the driveway just minutes later did she finally start putting two and two together....and then there was the look directed towards me....the look of pure venom and daggers as she knew what was about to take place. If looks could kil, I received the death glare multiple times over and she scurried upstairs.
I called to her to come down, and after two or three minutes, her father went upstairs to ask her to come down.
I won't go into all the gory details, but the fact is my wife felt betrayed. She asked me how I could do this to her...that this was between her and I...and I just replied, I wish it were that simple, but since you will not and have not taken an opportunity to speak with me in over 12 days and I see no effort on your behalf to even attempt a meeting, I agreed for her parents to interject.
Her mother, her father, and myself took turns trying to speak in a calm and rational voice, but my wife was clearly in denial and anger. After presenting a few pieces of evidence from her parents, she finally admitted that she had problems, that she takes full resposnibility for them, but she wasn't ready. Her mother stepped up to the plate on my behalf and siad her actiosn and answeres were not acceptable, that it went beyond just our marriage, but how my wife has changed in general the last year or so. My father in law point blank asked her on what she was doing to save the marriage and what efforts that she had made, and she admitted that she had not done anything. They did it in a loving way and I felt that all the so called progress we made just the day before was starting to slip from my grasp once again.
I reiterated that I do not seek a divorce or speration, and neither did she....but it was clear that her anger towards me was tangoible for orchestrating such a coup. She then realized that her sister and brotehr-in-law was alos in on it as now it made sennse why they offered to take our step-daughter this weekend.
The whole talk lasted no more than an hour, and my wife relucantly agreed to make an appointment for a counsler next week. She promised both her mom and dad and said however that things weren't going to be fixed in a week or two, and I said I didn't expect them to be, but this was the first step. When everyone said it was going to get uglier beofre it gets better, they were all right. My family said I did the right thing, and they all said they were proud of me and reiterated that they know that I have given it my all....but why then do I feel so crappy and alone.
After everyone left by noon, it was apparant my wife is now going to avoid me and give me the cold shoulder. I expected it to a certain degree, but the look on her face spoke volumes....I am far from being out of the woods by any means, but I guess it;s a good idea she isn't staying her tonight. I hope she doesn't do anything to crazy or drink to much and get hurt.
My inlaws and father were happy with the answer she gave that she would go to counseling next week, and I suppose I just need to see and wait to see if it does come to fruition. This is indeed the very last step and chance. If she fails to comply, thenI know she didn't mean anything today, and that she doesn't want to try even though she said she does. I guess it's a stay for a week, and by next week...or two...I amy have to move forward by asking her to leave. But at least the big event is now over, and hopefully the healing can begin....but knowing the pride and stubborness of my wife....it's going to take all the patience I already don't have to mentally survive the next week or so. I already dread the silent treatment I kknow I am about to receive tomorrow when she returns.
She's angry right now and not in the mood to talk to me. While she says she doesn't 'hate' me right now, it's clear she doesn't want to be around me this evening. She feels betrayed and humiliated.
Last night she asked me to joing her for dinner, and we actually had a very nice time. For the first time in weeks, we were laughing and joking, and smiling, and while it wasn't perfect, it was the closest thing I've experienced to the old us...of years back...before the depression hit me.
For a brief minute I thought about calling the whole thing off today, but I knew in the back of my head that one evening of getting along doesn't make up for all the previosu weeks and months of heartbreak, tears and loneliness.
She awoke at 6:15 which is unusual for her on a Saturday morning, and I laid in bed staring at the cieling until just before 7am. 2.5 hours to go.
I came downstairs and had a cup of coffee...and again there she was on Facebook. I watched some recorded tv, and she glanced up from time to time, and Ikept looking at the clock. As we got closer to 9am, I began to get nervous. I knew it wasn't going to go well.
I received a text message on my cellphone. It was a gentleman from church who was wishingme luck and stating that I was in his prayers. My legs felt wobbly, and once again, just liek the Sunday before, I felt as if I were about to faint.
My in-laws shows up right on time, and when my wife saw them, became slightly suspicisous, but cordial to them. It's when my own father showed up in the driveway just minutes later did she finally start putting two and two together....and then there was the look directed towards me....the look of pure venom and daggers as she knew what was about to take place. If looks could kil, I received the death glare multiple times over and she scurried upstairs.
I called to her to come down, and after two or three minutes, her father went upstairs to ask her to come down.
I won't go into all the gory details, but the fact is my wife felt betrayed. She asked me how I could do this to her...that this was between her and I...and I just replied, I wish it were that simple, but since you will not and have not taken an opportunity to speak with me in over 12 days and I see no effort on your behalf to even attempt a meeting, I agreed for her parents to interject.
Her mother, her father, and myself took turns trying to speak in a calm and rational voice, but my wife was clearly in denial and anger. After presenting a few pieces of evidence from her parents, she finally admitted that she had problems, that she takes full resposnibility for them, but she wasn't ready. Her mother stepped up to the plate on my behalf and siad her actiosn and answeres were not acceptable, that it went beyond just our marriage, but how my wife has changed in general the last year or so. My father in law point blank asked her on what she was doing to save the marriage and what efforts that she had made, and she admitted that she had not done anything. They did it in a loving way and I felt that all the so called progress we made just the day before was starting to slip from my grasp once again.
I reiterated that I do not seek a divorce or speration, and neither did she....but it was clear that her anger towards me was tangoible for orchestrating such a coup. She then realized that her sister and brotehr-in-law was alos in on it as now it made sennse why they offered to take our step-daughter this weekend.
The whole talk lasted no more than an hour, and my wife relucantly agreed to make an appointment for a counsler next week. She promised both her mom and dad and said however that things weren't going to be fixed in a week or two, and I said I didn't expect them to be, but this was the first step. When everyone said it was going to get uglier beofre it gets better, they were all right. My family said I did the right thing, and they all said they were proud of me and reiterated that they know that I have given it my all....but why then do I feel so crappy and alone.
After everyone left by noon, it was apparant my wife is now going to avoid me and give me the cold shoulder. I expected it to a certain degree, but the look on her face spoke volumes....I am far from being out of the woods by any means, but I guess it;s a good idea she isn't staying her tonight. I hope she doesn't do anything to crazy or drink to much and get hurt.
My inlaws and father were happy with the answer she gave that she would go to counseling next week, and I suppose I just need to see and wait to see if it does come to fruition. This is indeed the very last step and chance. If she fails to comply, thenI know she didn't mean anything today, and that she doesn't want to try even though she said she does. I guess it's a stay for a week, and by next week...or two...I amy have to move forward by asking her to leave. But at least the big event is now over, and hopefully the healing can begin....but knowing the pride and stubborness of my wife....it's going to take all the patience I already don't have to mentally survive the next week or so. I already dread the silent treatment I kknow I am about to receive tomorrow when she returns.
April 17, 2009
Sublime Peace
It's 2:30 pm in the afternoon right now.....and I know I am less about 19 hours away from having the 'reality' check with my wife and family....and I feel oddly at peace right now.
That is...right now.
I'm sure that as time marches on to the inevitable hour, I may feel worse and get anxious again.
My sister in law just emailed me some pointers about tomorrow to keep the speech short, focused, and on topic. And minutes I received that email, my father called my cell phone to check in on me.
It's wierd, the last two weeks I have run through over 100 versions of almost the same speech over and over in my head, and the closer I get to the time...it seems the shorther my speech will be. It almost feels that it can be as short as "You either want to work on this marriage or not. If so, then you will go to counseling with me next Tuesday...and be on time with an open mind and allow your guard to be down. If not, then I'm sorry that our marriage means that little after 5 years that you won't even try or give at least one hour to it....so you must pack your essentials and leave the house today and you can call me when you are ready to get serious. End of story."
I can't let this drag on for hours and hours tomorrow, and I don't want to get into the blame game or pointing fingers. We both know the history and the score right now....it's not going to do us any good to to begin pointing fingers. You're either in, or you're out. No more waiting, no more guessing, no more stalls.
By this time tommorrow I will know if my marriage is salvageable or not.
That is...right now.
I'm sure that as time marches on to the inevitable hour, I may feel worse and get anxious again.
My sister in law just emailed me some pointers about tomorrow to keep the speech short, focused, and on topic. And minutes I received that email, my father called my cell phone to check in on me.
It's wierd, the last two weeks I have run through over 100 versions of almost the same speech over and over in my head, and the closer I get to the time...it seems the shorther my speech will be. It almost feels that it can be as short as "You either want to work on this marriage or not. If so, then you will go to counseling with me next Tuesday...and be on time with an open mind and allow your guard to be down. If not, then I'm sorry that our marriage means that little after 5 years that you won't even try or give at least one hour to it....so you must pack your essentials and leave the house today and you can call me when you are ready to get serious. End of story."
I can't let this drag on for hours and hours tomorrow, and I don't want to get into the blame game or pointing fingers. We both know the history and the score right now....it's not going to do us any good to to begin pointing fingers. You're either in, or you're out. No more waiting, no more guessing, no more stalls.
By this time tommorrow I will know if my marriage is salvageable or not.
Turning point?
Last night when my wife arrived home from work she finally read the two photo-copied chapters of "The Five languages of Love" I had given her two days before. I was hoping it would have opened a dialouge between us when she was done, and after a few minutes of silence (as if she was digesting it), I decided to break the ice.
I told her that I saw both of us laying particular roles in the stories that were illustrated...that perhaps neither once of us was actually wrong, but clearly our inability to connect, converse, and to relate to each other was at an all time high....and quite literally being the foundation of our marriage of five years erroding from underneath us. She listened to me, and although I was waiting for a response, it just never came. Instead, here we were with Facebook again starting at 8pm, and once her computer crapped out and wasn't responding somewhere around 10pm any longer, she switched to her mobile phone to get her fix. Other than that we had an enjoyable dinner... and I felt 'okay' at best.
We went to bed at around 11pm, and I knew I was tired. But my spirit was still restless. Here, in my mind, was yet another day that had come and gone with nothing resolved. At approx midnight I began to toss and turn and my heart began to pound with anxious engery. I felt that my wife was also stirring so I asked her some questions:
1) How do you feel about us? A: I dunno. (pause)
2) Do you want this marriage to work? Do you want to try? A: Yes...but it's not going to change overnight and I feel as if you are pushing it.
3) How so? I have given you plenty of space this last week and a half, doing exactly what the counsler ask me to do...to not call, email, give you space....and I feel I have been plenty patient, yet I feel as if you are 'indifferent' to the whole thing right now. A: As you said, it has only been a week and these things take time. My feeling can't adjust that quickly.
4) I realize that, and I know there is no magic wand that will cure our ills overnight....but you need to throw me a bone....give me a hint because this isn't working for me.
silence
I tried to roll over and go back to bed, but it just wasn't working for me. I went downstairs and attempted to sleep on the couch, but my puppy and best friend would not let me sleep. After trying unsuccessfully for an additional 30 minutes or so, I headed back upstairs and back to our bed to try and fall asleep.
Eventually somewhere around 2:30 I must have finally dozed off and was awoken at around 6:15 with my wife finally getting up. I laid in bed, under the covers, trying to keep warm and staring at the cieling. My thoughts turned to the fact it was Friday adn in approx 27 hours the confrontation would be just beginning.
To my surprise my wife came back in the bedroom around 6:40 am with a cup of coffee in hand and began to speak to me. I stayed in bed, and listened, and responded...making sure I did not raise my voice or get angry. The words began to tuble from her mouth, as they did mine, and I took note that I began to stutter on occassion and my mouth was like a desert....dry...while I searched for words. Overall, I'd like to think our conversation was productive. She finally admited that she has some issues. She said it may be PMS, or menapause, or stress, or a combination of things and admitted to some extend that I may unfairly be taking the brunt of it lately. She proclaimed that she would like to be a better communicator, but for some reason she just can't and she wants to work on it, but doesn't know how. I told her I am fully aware I need to make changes as well and that I recognize some areas in my life I also need to change, but tried to stay firm and make it clear that we 'both' had issues, not just me, and I can't continue to come home day after day after day and be kept at arms distance.
She also said she did not want to divorce and could see us together in the future. Well, that was indeed nice to hear, but I can only assume there is a price tag attached. And that price tag sure enough is that 'I have to prove' I mean it, and even if I bend over backawards and continue to bide my time, go to sessions of therapy, pray, and be the best husband I can possibly be....it's no guarantee that she's going to continue to open up to me or rally want to put some effort into it.
That's not good enough for me.
We said our vows before God and our families....again...for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. We both need to come to the meeting table and be willing to work on this right now....not just me.
There were some tears shed on her behalf, and I listened intently, making sure never to interupt her. I told her I know she wants her old husband back, the guy before the depression three years ago....but I also want my old wife back...the one who was caring and loving and excited to be around me as well.
She then questioned me out of the blue: "Have you spoken to my mom about this?" Uh, oh...I know this is a very, very delicate subject. She doesn't like me speaking to her mom about us, but she's going to find out anyway and lying isn't going to help my case. "Yes, I have spoken to her recently and my father."..."Even though I asked you not to?".."Yes, I spoke to them prior to you telling me not to, and I have every right to. They are family and since I cannot speak with you and you have been unwilling to speak with me, and I can't talk about this with people at work, and I'm not going to air my dirty laundry to the neighbors, I need to talk to someone and your mother always said I coudl come to her no matter what. I can't keep these emotions just bottled up inside me lest I explode. It's bad enough that I come home and we don't talk. This is our marriage we are talking about, and going to a paid counsler once a week for a timed hour is not enough to let me unload and feel healthy."
I could tell my wife was getting irritated at this point, but 'oh, well', really...this is the least of our problems if she is mad I am seeking counsel from family, especially when they offer their aid.
At this point I was looking at the clock and saw that if I didn't leave now, I would be late to work. I told her thank you for speaking with me, that I rally appreciate it, and that I'm not trying to cut and run, but I can't be late. I gave her a hug, and she hugged me back, tears in her eye and a little bit of anger in the feeling I betrayed her for speaking about our problems with the family....but she needs to get over this.....and I hoping that tomorrow despite her hostility and coldness right now, that something will be said or demonstrated that I am not giving up or walking away....that the ball is in her court, but if she doesn't agree to start working on us right away, that she needs to leave.
Please pray for me that all goes well tomorrow.
I told her that I saw both of us laying particular roles in the stories that were illustrated...that perhaps neither once of us was actually wrong, but clearly our inability to connect, converse, and to relate to each other was at an all time high....and quite literally being the foundation of our marriage of five years erroding from underneath us. She listened to me, and although I was waiting for a response, it just never came. Instead, here we were with Facebook again starting at 8pm, and once her computer crapped out and wasn't responding somewhere around 10pm any longer, she switched to her mobile phone to get her fix. Other than that we had an enjoyable dinner... and I felt 'okay' at best.
We went to bed at around 11pm, and I knew I was tired. But my spirit was still restless. Here, in my mind, was yet another day that had come and gone with nothing resolved. At approx midnight I began to toss and turn and my heart began to pound with anxious engery. I felt that my wife was also stirring so I asked her some questions:
1) How do you feel about us? A: I dunno. (pause)
2) Do you want this marriage to work? Do you want to try? A: Yes...but it's not going to change overnight and I feel as if you are pushing it.
3) How so? I have given you plenty of space this last week and a half, doing exactly what the counsler ask me to do...to not call, email, give you space....and I feel I have been plenty patient, yet I feel as if you are 'indifferent' to the whole thing right now. A: As you said, it has only been a week and these things take time. My feeling can't adjust that quickly.
4) I realize that, and I know there is no magic wand that will cure our ills overnight....but you need to throw me a bone....give me a hint because this isn't working for me.
silence
I tried to roll over and go back to bed, but it just wasn't working for me. I went downstairs and attempted to sleep on the couch, but my puppy and best friend would not let me sleep. After trying unsuccessfully for an additional 30 minutes or so, I headed back upstairs and back to our bed to try and fall asleep.
Eventually somewhere around 2:30 I must have finally dozed off and was awoken at around 6:15 with my wife finally getting up. I laid in bed, under the covers, trying to keep warm and staring at the cieling. My thoughts turned to the fact it was Friday adn in approx 27 hours the confrontation would be just beginning.
To my surprise my wife came back in the bedroom around 6:40 am with a cup of coffee in hand and began to speak to me. I stayed in bed, and listened, and responded...making sure I did not raise my voice or get angry. The words began to tuble from her mouth, as they did mine, and I took note that I began to stutter on occassion and my mouth was like a desert....dry...while I searched for words. Overall, I'd like to think our conversation was productive. She finally admited that she has some issues. She said it may be PMS, or menapause, or stress, or a combination of things and admitted to some extend that I may unfairly be taking the brunt of it lately. She proclaimed that she would like to be a better communicator, but for some reason she just can't and she wants to work on it, but doesn't know how. I told her I am fully aware I need to make changes as well and that I recognize some areas in my life I also need to change, but tried to stay firm and make it clear that we 'both' had issues, not just me, and I can't continue to come home day after day after day and be kept at arms distance.
She also said she did not want to divorce and could see us together in the future. Well, that was indeed nice to hear, but I can only assume there is a price tag attached. And that price tag sure enough is that 'I have to prove' I mean it, and even if I bend over backawards and continue to bide my time, go to sessions of therapy, pray, and be the best husband I can possibly be....it's no guarantee that she's going to continue to open up to me or rally want to put some effort into it.
That's not good enough for me.
We said our vows before God and our families....again...for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. We both need to come to the meeting table and be willing to work on this right now....not just me.
There were some tears shed on her behalf, and I listened intently, making sure never to interupt her. I told her I know she wants her old husband back, the guy before the depression three years ago....but I also want my old wife back...the one who was caring and loving and excited to be around me as well.
She then questioned me out of the blue: "Have you spoken to my mom about this?" Uh, oh...I know this is a very, very delicate subject. She doesn't like me speaking to her mom about us, but she's going to find out anyway and lying isn't going to help my case. "Yes, I have spoken to her recently and my father."..."Even though I asked you not to?".."Yes, I spoke to them prior to you telling me not to, and I have every right to. They are family and since I cannot speak with you and you have been unwilling to speak with me, and I can't talk about this with people at work, and I'm not going to air my dirty laundry to the neighbors, I need to talk to someone and your mother always said I coudl come to her no matter what. I can't keep these emotions just bottled up inside me lest I explode. It's bad enough that I come home and we don't talk. This is our marriage we are talking about, and going to a paid counsler once a week for a timed hour is not enough to let me unload and feel healthy."
I could tell my wife was getting irritated at this point, but 'oh, well', really...this is the least of our problems if she is mad I am seeking counsel from family, especially when they offer their aid.
At this point I was looking at the clock and saw that if I didn't leave now, I would be late to work. I told her thank you for speaking with me, that I rally appreciate it, and that I'm not trying to cut and run, but I can't be late. I gave her a hug, and she hugged me back, tears in her eye and a little bit of anger in the feeling I betrayed her for speaking about our problems with the family....but she needs to get over this.....and I hoping that tomorrow despite her hostility and coldness right now, that something will be said or demonstrated that I am not giving up or walking away....that the ball is in her court, but if she doesn't agree to start working on us right away, that she needs to leave.
Please pray for me that all goes well tomorrow.
April 16, 2009
3 days and counting
Yesterday I spent my lunch in solitude, reading Psalms 50 thru 58, and trying to digest them. I found some encouraging words buried within, but I also had to read sections over and over because my mind was still having issues focusing.
I realize I can't turn back at this point. On Saturday morning I must confront my wife with the support of my in-laws, my father, and the verbal support of by brothers in church and my sister and brother in law. It's not going to be easy by any means, and every hour that passes at this point just signifies another hour I am getting closer to most liekly hearing the fatal words I so do not want to hear. The words that she has indeed given up and does not want to salvage this.
My prayers have been nonstop and emotional the last few days and only seem to intensify. It's all I can do to focus on work and make it through the day without the uncontrollable events spin out and infiltrate and spill over into my work environment. I know my appetite has been affected, and I've probably lost close to 5 lbs in just stress alone these past two weeks. I know that because all my pants are noticeably looser the last few days.
Last night as my wife went out to play Bunco, I met a brother in the word for dinner. He shared with me his story of pain and divorce and seperation. It took him 7 years to recover and meet someone new. He told of the years of solitude and loneliness and quiet nights alone....something I dread...but what is the alternative? Sitting home with a wife who treats me as a roommate instead of a husband? It seems I sit in silence anyway as of late with no human interaction, touch, or warmth......and it's killing me inside slowly.
The clonzapen and sleeping pills have been my temporary friends as of late, only just so to make sure my heart doesn't seize up from stir-craziness or stress.
Last night when she arrived home, she was kind to me and briefly explained the rules and gameplay of Bunco. She spoke of future things like hosting an event at our house sometime down the road...something I think would be fun, and I was surprised to hear her even say that, but clearly she isn't ready or willing to talk about 'us' or our marriage. I'd really like that myself, but in the back of my mind I'm counting down hours until the 'confrontation' she doesn't suspect I have the spine to ever pull off. And if it wasn't for my family (both sides) and my church, I may not have had the spine to pull it off anyway.
I had photo-copied two chapters of 'The 5 languages of Love' and when stapled together are only a few pages in length and can be read in under 10 minutes. I gave it to her on Tuesday and asked that she would read them, and she said she would. I briefly inquired about it last night, and she responded that she had not read them as of yet....that she was too busy at work...but I can only observe that she is once again on Facebook, or playing Bunco. It bothers me that these things take priority over a request I made that should only take 10 minutes to complete. I can't force her to do these things, just pray and try to be patient, but all the signs now show me that she is indifferent. I finally said, "Well, if you get the chance, I'd like you to read them so we can discuss Thursday evening." That's tonight, but time will tell. It's my last attempt to see if she'll open up at all before Saturday.
I tried to call my mother-in-law last night but she wasn't available. I spoke to my dad this morning for a bit, just for some support, and I'm expecting my sister-in-law to call me later this afternoon and my mother in law as well. As time marches closer I do realize that I still do not feel angry.....just hurt and heartbroken....and I wonder how so many people struggle and go through this on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Marriages need 100% devotion and work....when one party begins to falter or give up...it unravels at a miraculous pace.
I realize I can't turn back at this point. On Saturday morning I must confront my wife with the support of my in-laws, my father, and the verbal support of by brothers in church and my sister and brother in law. It's not going to be easy by any means, and every hour that passes at this point just signifies another hour I am getting closer to most liekly hearing the fatal words I so do not want to hear. The words that she has indeed given up and does not want to salvage this.
My prayers have been nonstop and emotional the last few days and only seem to intensify. It's all I can do to focus on work and make it through the day without the uncontrollable events spin out and infiltrate and spill over into my work environment. I know my appetite has been affected, and I've probably lost close to 5 lbs in just stress alone these past two weeks. I know that because all my pants are noticeably looser the last few days.
Last night as my wife went out to play Bunco, I met a brother in the word for dinner. He shared with me his story of pain and divorce and seperation. It took him 7 years to recover and meet someone new. He told of the years of solitude and loneliness and quiet nights alone....something I dread...but what is the alternative? Sitting home with a wife who treats me as a roommate instead of a husband? It seems I sit in silence anyway as of late with no human interaction, touch, or warmth......and it's killing me inside slowly.
The clonzapen and sleeping pills have been my temporary friends as of late, only just so to make sure my heart doesn't seize up from stir-craziness or stress.
Last night when she arrived home, she was kind to me and briefly explained the rules and gameplay of Bunco. She spoke of future things like hosting an event at our house sometime down the road...something I think would be fun, and I was surprised to hear her even say that, but clearly she isn't ready or willing to talk about 'us' or our marriage. I'd really like that myself, but in the back of my mind I'm counting down hours until the 'confrontation' she doesn't suspect I have the spine to ever pull off. And if it wasn't for my family (both sides) and my church, I may not have had the spine to pull it off anyway.
I had photo-copied two chapters of 'The 5 languages of Love' and when stapled together are only a few pages in length and can be read in under 10 minutes. I gave it to her on Tuesday and asked that she would read them, and she said she would. I briefly inquired about it last night, and she responded that she had not read them as of yet....that she was too busy at work...but I can only observe that she is once again on Facebook, or playing Bunco. It bothers me that these things take priority over a request I made that should only take 10 minutes to complete. I can't force her to do these things, just pray and try to be patient, but all the signs now show me that she is indifferent. I finally said, "Well, if you get the chance, I'd like you to read them so we can discuss Thursday evening." That's tonight, but time will tell. It's my last attempt to see if she'll open up at all before Saturday.
I tried to call my mother-in-law last night but she wasn't available. I spoke to my dad this morning for a bit, just for some support, and I'm expecting my sister-in-law to call me later this afternoon and my mother in law as well. As time marches closer I do realize that I still do not feel angry.....just hurt and heartbroken....and I wonder how so many people struggle and go through this on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Marriages need 100% devotion and work....when one party begins to falter or give up...it unravels at a miraculous pace.
April 15, 2009
Critical Junctures
So much has been going on in terms of my personal life, more specifically my marriage the last few weeks/months, that is one of the main reasons for my lack of posts.
It seems that after 5 years of marriage (my 1st, her 2nd), it appears that my spouse...the woman whom I chose through better or worse, sickness and health, for richer or poorer in a Christian church is feeling a bit of a mid-life crisis right now and may (if she hasn't already) thrown in the towel on our vows.
Sure, I've documented our troubles on occassion here before, and I know may issues may stem from my bouts of depression a few years back, but it seems my wife has made new friends as of late...ones with a much more secular and carefree lifestyle, where alcohol is a common theme.
I can't say for sure my wife has slowly turned into an alcoholic. Just the thought of that doesn't jive too well with me, but her actions and the stories I hear from others, and behaviors she has been exhibiting lately surely are out of character for a 39 year old mother of one teenage daughter.
Church is out the window altogether, and any attempts at marriage counseling have been met with opposition. She almost remind me of myself a few years ago...a proverbial Dr. Jecyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.
It sucks to go home at this point, because even when she is there....she is not 'there', instead Facebook is the new drug of choice. Countless hours in the morning, the evening, on the mobile phone...all chatting with long lost high school friends who never seemed to have grown up. The one common theme I see repeated over and over again is 'party, party, party' and 'alcohol'.
Not every evening is wine induced personality, but it is indeed becomming more the rule than the exception at home.
I was recently told that I am no longer 'fun', 'spontaneous', 'carefree', and she can't live a sheltered life anylonger. Well, indeed, I'm not the same guy she started dating 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. Our financial responsibilities have more than doubled, we aged 7 more years, I became a re-dedicated Christian three years ago, and I don't feel the need to be blitzed every weekend with the neighbors. No, I have a new job, a higher mortgage, a responsibility to God, my wife, my step-daughter, and my family....I can't shirk the responsibilities I once easily could at a 20 something single man who lived with one foot in the secular world on a constant basis.
One thing I have learned...the pain. The pain and fear of losing a loved one....a wife....is very similar to a bad bout of depression. My sleeping patterns are all off kilter, as is my appetite, and focus on teh job. I am giving it my all....prayer, support, 110%, counseling for myself one again (it was meant for both of us but she refused to go to the second appointment...and what appears to be all future appointments at this point).
The last few days it was actually okay, and she even said felt 'normal' (whatever that means...as she has yet to define really any problem with definitive structure). But last night her mood swung 180 degrees in less than 5 seconds when I asked her to choose a channel and stick with it while we were in bed. It was 11:30 and I was trying to sleep, and she was channel surfing nonstop for 20 minutes straight. I asked her to please be considerate and choose a channel and before I knew it, she had her robe on, pillow and blanket in hand, slammed the bedroom door behind her and attempted to sleep on the couch.
I know I attempted to sleep, but my spirit was restless, heartbroken, and in shock. Forgive my french, but "what the hell just happened?", I thought.
My in-laws and father are coming over this Saturday morning for a psuedo intervention. I have been in disucssions with them for weeks now, and my sister and briother in law are in complete support as well. They know that it takes 2 in a marriage that can cause problems, and it takes 2 to work them out. Well, I'm trying and not getting any response. Oh the details of the past months are much more in depth with numerous examples of mood swings, erratic behavior, and stories that would make you cringe...but then I could fill volumes of posts....and they aren't all just about my wife. Sure, my buttons can be pushed as well, and I'd be naive in thinking that I had no role at all....but unfortunately my spouse, the woman I love, and want and pray for a reconcilliation with is in deep, deep, denial.
I'm scared for thsi Staurday. Many people have already told me it will get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. I am coming the slow and painful realization that my wife has given up for seemingly greener pastures elsewhere....a life that clearly doesn't include me any longer...but I know our current lifestyle/arrangement we call a marriage is a joke and one of us has to pull the pin on the grenade to shake things up. Accoriding to friends and family, I have allowed thsi to go on for too long, and even though the outcome may indeed be a worse case scenario, I need to do it now...sooner than later....or I will become a mentally/emotionally/spiritually damaged person again..and God all wants His children to be happy.
I won't file for divorce....at least not yet....I have to be positive I have given it every single ounce of effort I possibly can, and then find just enough to give a bit more. I need to look in the mirror and be happy in knowing that I tried, that I gave it my all, but I can't force love and I can't force reconcillation.
Yes my friends, this upcoming week may be the week where my life is altered yet again in a major way. By this time next week, my wife may be out of my house. And I am not happy about this at all....it kills me and eats away at me a little bit each day.
Please pray for me that I have the strength and wisdom to have the right words this Saturday and that I portray my words and actions out of love and forgiveness and not out of spite and anger. I do love my wife, I never stopped....but one of us did.
It seems that after 5 years of marriage (my 1st, her 2nd), it appears that my spouse...the woman whom I chose through better or worse, sickness and health, for richer or poorer in a Christian church is feeling a bit of a mid-life crisis right now and may (if she hasn't already) thrown in the towel on our vows.
Sure, I've documented our troubles on occassion here before, and I know may issues may stem from my bouts of depression a few years back, but it seems my wife has made new friends as of late...ones with a much more secular and carefree lifestyle, where alcohol is a common theme.
I can't say for sure my wife has slowly turned into an alcoholic. Just the thought of that doesn't jive too well with me, but her actions and the stories I hear from others, and behaviors she has been exhibiting lately surely are out of character for a 39 year old mother of one teenage daughter.
Church is out the window altogether, and any attempts at marriage counseling have been met with opposition. She almost remind me of myself a few years ago...a proverbial Dr. Jecyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.
It sucks to go home at this point, because even when she is there....she is not 'there', instead Facebook is the new drug of choice. Countless hours in the morning, the evening, on the mobile phone...all chatting with long lost high school friends who never seemed to have grown up. The one common theme I see repeated over and over again is 'party, party, party' and 'alcohol'.
Not every evening is wine induced personality, but it is indeed becomming more the rule than the exception at home.
I was recently told that I am no longer 'fun', 'spontaneous', 'carefree', and she can't live a sheltered life anylonger. Well, indeed, I'm not the same guy she started dating 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. Our financial responsibilities have more than doubled, we aged 7 more years, I became a re-dedicated Christian three years ago, and I don't feel the need to be blitzed every weekend with the neighbors. No, I have a new job, a higher mortgage, a responsibility to God, my wife, my step-daughter, and my family....I can't shirk the responsibilities I once easily could at a 20 something single man who lived with one foot in the secular world on a constant basis.
One thing I have learned...the pain. The pain and fear of losing a loved one....a wife....is very similar to a bad bout of depression. My sleeping patterns are all off kilter, as is my appetite, and focus on teh job. I am giving it my all....prayer, support, 110%, counseling for myself one again (it was meant for both of us but she refused to go to the second appointment...and what appears to be all future appointments at this point).
The last few days it was actually okay, and she even said felt 'normal' (whatever that means...as she has yet to define really any problem with definitive structure). But last night her mood swung 180 degrees in less than 5 seconds when I asked her to choose a channel and stick with it while we were in bed. It was 11:30 and I was trying to sleep, and she was channel surfing nonstop for 20 minutes straight. I asked her to please be considerate and choose a channel and before I knew it, she had her robe on, pillow and blanket in hand, slammed the bedroom door behind her and attempted to sleep on the couch.
I know I attempted to sleep, but my spirit was restless, heartbroken, and in shock. Forgive my french, but "what the hell just happened?", I thought.
My in-laws and father are coming over this Saturday morning for a psuedo intervention. I have been in disucssions with them for weeks now, and my sister and briother in law are in complete support as well. They know that it takes 2 in a marriage that can cause problems, and it takes 2 to work them out. Well, I'm trying and not getting any response. Oh the details of the past months are much more in depth with numerous examples of mood swings, erratic behavior, and stories that would make you cringe...but then I could fill volumes of posts....and they aren't all just about my wife. Sure, my buttons can be pushed as well, and I'd be naive in thinking that I had no role at all....but unfortunately my spouse, the woman I love, and want and pray for a reconcilliation with is in deep, deep, denial.
I'm scared for thsi Staurday. Many people have already told me it will get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. I am coming the slow and painful realization that my wife has given up for seemingly greener pastures elsewhere....a life that clearly doesn't include me any longer...but I know our current lifestyle/arrangement we call a marriage is a joke and one of us has to pull the pin on the grenade to shake things up. Accoriding to friends and family, I have allowed thsi to go on for too long, and even though the outcome may indeed be a worse case scenario, I need to do it now...sooner than later....or I will become a mentally/emotionally/spiritually damaged person again..and God all wants His children to be happy.
I won't file for divorce....at least not yet....I have to be positive I have given it every single ounce of effort I possibly can, and then find just enough to give a bit more. I need to look in the mirror and be happy in knowing that I tried, that I gave it my all, but I can't force love and I can't force reconcillation.
Yes my friends, this upcoming week may be the week where my life is altered yet again in a major way. By this time next week, my wife may be out of my house. And I am not happy about this at all....it kills me and eats away at me a little bit each day.
Please pray for me that I have the strength and wisdom to have the right words this Saturday and that I portray my words and actions out of love and forgiveness and not out of spite and anger. I do love my wife, I never stopped....but one of us did.
March 31, 2009
Please pray for me
If anyone just so happens to stop by this site today, please pray for me.
I really need it. I have a decision to make in the coming days regarding my life and my spouse. I'm actually taking personal time today from work to meet with them in person to discuss 'issues' and need to figure out if these last 5 years of my life are what I need to continue to fight for.
I really need it. I have a decision to make in the coming days regarding my life and my spouse. I'm actually taking personal time today from work to meet with them in person to discuss 'issues' and need to figure out if these last 5 years of my life are what I need to continue to fight for.
March 25, 2009
Can you have depression and know God?
This topic came up rather impromptly the other day during a discussion I was having with some men regarding the indwelling of the Holy Spirit within us upon acceptance of Christ and the continued temptations of Satan and his minions afterwards and the failings of the flesh.
I was a bit astounded when one of the men, generally accepted as a mentor or leader of the group, made a comment that if you have God in your life and in your heart, you cannot have depression.
This automatically raised my internal flag as to not sounding right on various levels and I needed some further clarification. In the past, and admittedly even today I still question my own progress and growth in spiritual faith when I feel slightly down. The question creeps in "If I know God and place my trust into Him, why do I feel crappy?"
I had shared very minimally my past with one or two of the men present but never to the details of suicide or just how deeply depressed I was. To my surprise, this blanket statment seemed to have hit a chord with quite a few of the men who also seemed to question this revelation.
"Depression is the absence of 'hope', and if you know and believe and trust in your God's word, then you also have 'hope'. I submit that if you have no 'hope' then you do not know God."
Take a few minutes to let that sink in, as I have the last few days myself. Now this might not sit 100% well with you, and trust me, it didn't sit exactly hunky-dory with the rest of us either until more explanations and definitions were given.
We came to the agreement over the course of the next half hour or so that the term 'depression' is taken for granted and encompases such a variety of conditions it has been accepted by most people today to mean everything from "I had a moment" to "I had a bad day" to further degrees of "I want to kill myself and I hate everything in sight."
Perhaps those that had a "bad day", just really had a "bad day" and aren't really depressed to begin with.
It was also agreed that chemical imbalances in the head are not symptomatic of not being a believer of not having hope. Some people do indeed have a real physcial problem in which the brain is not producing the correct levels of serotonin or hormones. It's not because they haven't accepted Christ or know the word of God, but their nueral transmitters really not firing off correctly in the brain.....This is a far cry from saying "I feel depressed today because it's gloomy and cold and rainy oustide."
The mentor submitted to us, that a good portion of depression outside of 'real' chemical imbalance and sickness lies with the fact we make eveything out to be about 'us'. That is, the focus of events are no longer about God and His plan, but we selfishly shift the focus unto ourselves.
One of the best ways to break this cycle is to shift the focus off of ourselves and back to Him and in helping others. One man said the cure is a 10 step process.....Do something nice for someone else...and then do it at least 9 more times. The thought process being is that we are blessed when we help someone else out and it takes our minds off of our own problems. Continue to do this and you have no time for your mind to beat yourself down as it is occupied elsewhere. If occupied in doing things for others not only are you investing in eternal rewards in heaven, you chances for sinking into depression are reduced.
The more I think about this....the more it begins to make sense....at least it does to me. So I've been chewing on this the last few days now and am trying to make a mental note of doing things not for myself but for my wife, my neighbors, my coworkers....even when I really don't want to...because at the end of the day it's not about me...
But then again, it always nice to sit back and pontificate on 'what should be', but to put in practice is something entirely different.
I was a bit astounded when one of the men, generally accepted as a mentor or leader of the group, made a comment that if you have God in your life and in your heart, you cannot have depression.
This automatically raised my internal flag as to not sounding right on various levels and I needed some further clarification. In the past, and admittedly even today I still question my own progress and growth in spiritual faith when I feel slightly down. The question creeps in "If I know God and place my trust into Him, why do I feel crappy?"
I had shared very minimally my past with one or two of the men present but never to the details of suicide or just how deeply depressed I was. To my surprise, this blanket statment seemed to have hit a chord with quite a few of the men who also seemed to question this revelation.
"Depression is the absence of 'hope', and if you know and believe and trust in your God's word, then you also have 'hope'. I submit that if you have no 'hope' then you do not know God."
Take a few minutes to let that sink in, as I have the last few days myself. Now this might not sit 100% well with you, and trust me, it didn't sit exactly hunky-dory with the rest of us either until more explanations and definitions were given.
We came to the agreement over the course of the next half hour or so that the term 'depression' is taken for granted and encompases such a variety of conditions it has been accepted by most people today to mean everything from "I had a moment" to "I had a bad day" to further degrees of "I want to kill myself and I hate everything in sight."
Perhaps those that had a "bad day", just really had a "bad day" and aren't really depressed to begin with.
It was also agreed that chemical imbalances in the head are not symptomatic of not being a believer of not having hope. Some people do indeed have a real physcial problem in which the brain is not producing the correct levels of serotonin or hormones. It's not because they haven't accepted Christ or know the word of God, but their nueral transmitters really not firing off correctly in the brain.....This is a far cry from saying "I feel depressed today because it's gloomy and cold and rainy oustide."
The mentor submitted to us, that a good portion of depression outside of 'real' chemical imbalance and sickness lies with the fact we make eveything out to be about 'us'. That is, the focus of events are no longer about God and His plan, but we selfishly shift the focus unto ourselves.
One of the best ways to break this cycle is to shift the focus off of ourselves and back to Him and in helping others. One man said the cure is a 10 step process.....Do something nice for someone else...and then do it at least 9 more times. The thought process being is that we are blessed when we help someone else out and it takes our minds off of our own problems. Continue to do this and you have no time for your mind to beat yourself down as it is occupied elsewhere. If occupied in doing things for others not only are you investing in eternal rewards in heaven, you chances for sinking into depression are reduced.
The more I think about this....the more it begins to make sense....at least it does to me. So I've been chewing on this the last few days now and am trying to make a mental note of doing things not for myself but for my wife, my neighbors, my coworkers....even when I really don't want to...because at the end of the day it's not about me...
But then again, it always nice to sit back and pontificate on 'what should be', but to put in practice is something entirely different.
March 24, 2009
I think I just need a hobby (part III)
So I had a pleasant time at the Train Expo this past weekend. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting, since I've never been to one before, but I'm happy I went. I had a chance to speak to a couple of guys who were in model train clubs and seemed very excited to share with me their expereinces and a chance to show off their work.
What I learned very quickly is that this is a hobby that consists of some serious investment and time in all of its aspects. Something that I 'could' see myself getting into, however, I do realize that I may have some restraints right now when it comes to both finances and room.
I would need some open space inside my house to build a platform and layout, and some basic carpentry and electrical skills to get the bare basics done. Then it's designing an actual layout that fits, purchasing the train, the track, the controllers, decoding chips, and other basic stuff. At that point you bascially just have a train going in a circle on some plywood. Then comes the serious stuff - decorations, landscaping, props, and kits. Depending on how realistic you want to go and decide on a specific theme, it may cost quite a bit before you even know it and takes years and patience to develop.
The good news is, I enjoy tinkering, creativity, and of course model building. The bad news is once again, I don't have space, money, or spousal support on my side. If I have to be really honest with myself right now, it appears that this hobby may be relegated to viewing other peoples layouts and designs and going to future tradeshows and conventions only to look.
Perhaps my quest for a hobby needs to continue, although the podcasting ideas continue to flourish within my mind and another friend is currently encouraging me to get back into photography...something I also enjoyed in years past and is making it possible for me to afford a new digital camera.
What I learned very quickly is that this is a hobby that consists of some serious investment and time in all of its aspects. Something that I 'could' see myself getting into, however, I do realize that I may have some restraints right now when it comes to both finances and room.
I would need some open space inside my house to build a platform and layout, and some basic carpentry and electrical skills to get the bare basics done. Then it's designing an actual layout that fits, purchasing the train, the track, the controllers, decoding chips, and other basic stuff. At that point you bascially just have a train going in a circle on some plywood. Then comes the serious stuff - decorations, landscaping, props, and kits. Depending on how realistic you want to go and decide on a specific theme, it may cost quite a bit before you even know it and takes years and patience to develop.
The good news is, I enjoy tinkering, creativity, and of course model building. The bad news is once again, I don't have space, money, or spousal support on my side. If I have to be really honest with myself right now, it appears that this hobby may be relegated to viewing other peoples layouts and designs and going to future tradeshows and conventions only to look.
Perhaps my quest for a hobby needs to continue, although the podcasting ideas continue to flourish within my mind and another friend is currently encouraging me to get back into photography...something I also enjoyed in years past and is making it possible for me to afford a new digital camera.
March 20, 2009
I think I just need a hobby (part II)
So where was I?
Oh, a long rambling rant of finding something to do in my spare time that makes me happy and that I can excited about and place my pent up energy into and get some sense of self accomplishment out of.
I spoke of model trains yesterday and briefly mentioned podcasting. So let me tell you more about podcasting. I really enjoy the idea of learning RSS protocols, blogging, sharing (for those that want to hear, or care) and I suppose the idea of having a audio show out there in cyberspace is very intriguing to me. A 30 minute episode produced weekly or biweekly seems completly doable to me, but the biggest issue for me right now is what would the show be about?
I've been reading the book 'Podcasting for Dummies', and I'm pretty good with computers and conceptual understanding to know how it is all supposed to work. But again, it;s the subject matter. What niche could I find myself talking about that already isn't flooded with like minded subjects that could hold an audiences attention for 20 to 30 minutes at a time?
I'm passionate about a lot of diffrent things...like cooking, politics, religion, comic book collecting, video games, science fiction....but a search of podcast directories reveals that these subjects are already saturated and many done in teams of two or more people. How would I make mine stand out amongst all the others.
Do I do show about depression? How fun would that be for either myself or you? Do I do a show about Christ when I am very immature in the studies to begin with? Do I do a comedy show when people do tell me I am very funny and witty when I want to be? How about cooking? Dogs? Current TV shows? Well, it seems that many of these already exist and again, I'm not sure I can sustain enough material to keep a show going for more than a half a dozen epsiodes.
That's another reason I think I need a 'real' hobby. If I could sink my teeth into something cool, say model trains, I could see myself doing a poscast on that.
I have a friend who is single and I envy portions of his lifestyle. On a whim, he can just jump in his car (he belongs to an off roading car club) and he goes on little 2-4 days excursions with variosu people and he always has the most interesting stories and pictures....and they are always diffrent. Like he could do a podcast on the diffrent trips he takes...he could talk about camp grounds, restaurants, points of interest, communing with nature, social circles with his trip mates, pictures he took, weather, and most importantly his car and the tips and tricks of offroading. That to me sounds exciting....but those are 'his' experiences...not mine, and I can't afford to do those types of things. I'm very happy for him, but envious none-the-less.
The last few days (stretching actually into a week or more) I've been wracking my brain on what I would like to do. I come up with fleeting ideas, but then again, nothing that hits me smack in the middle of the head. The best idea I have right now is more or less a jack of all trades variet-esque type show. Something where I could talk about day trips, hobbies, video games, tv...a little bit of everything I like to do....but how do I market it? How do I promote it? How do I secure an audience that may really like my subject one week, but hate all the others?
I must contemplate more.
Oh, a long rambling rant of finding something to do in my spare time that makes me happy and that I can excited about and place my pent up energy into and get some sense of self accomplishment out of.
I spoke of model trains yesterday and briefly mentioned podcasting. So let me tell you more about podcasting. I really enjoy the idea of learning RSS protocols, blogging, sharing (for those that want to hear, or care) and I suppose the idea of having a audio show out there in cyberspace is very intriguing to me. A 30 minute episode produced weekly or biweekly seems completly doable to me, but the biggest issue for me right now is what would the show be about?
I've been reading the book 'Podcasting for Dummies', and I'm pretty good with computers and conceptual understanding to know how it is all supposed to work. But again, it;s the subject matter. What niche could I find myself talking about that already isn't flooded with like minded subjects that could hold an audiences attention for 20 to 30 minutes at a time?
I'm passionate about a lot of diffrent things...like cooking, politics, religion, comic book collecting, video games, science fiction....but a search of podcast directories reveals that these subjects are already saturated and many done in teams of two or more people. How would I make mine stand out amongst all the others.
Do I do show about depression? How fun would that be for either myself or you? Do I do a show about Christ when I am very immature in the studies to begin with? Do I do a comedy show when people do tell me I am very funny and witty when I want to be? How about cooking? Dogs? Current TV shows? Well, it seems that many of these already exist and again, I'm not sure I can sustain enough material to keep a show going for more than a half a dozen epsiodes.
That's another reason I think I need a 'real' hobby. If I could sink my teeth into something cool, say model trains, I could see myself doing a poscast on that.
I have a friend who is single and I envy portions of his lifestyle. On a whim, he can just jump in his car (he belongs to an off roading car club) and he goes on little 2-4 days excursions with variosu people and he always has the most interesting stories and pictures....and they are always diffrent. Like he could do a podcast on the diffrent trips he takes...he could talk about camp grounds, restaurants, points of interest, communing with nature, social circles with his trip mates, pictures he took, weather, and most importantly his car and the tips and tricks of offroading. That to me sounds exciting....but those are 'his' experiences...not mine, and I can't afford to do those types of things. I'm very happy for him, but envious none-the-less.
The last few days (stretching actually into a week or more) I've been wracking my brain on what I would like to do. I come up with fleeting ideas, but then again, nothing that hits me smack in the middle of the head. The best idea I have right now is more or less a jack of all trades variet-esque type show. Something where I could talk about day trips, hobbies, video games, tv...a little bit of everything I like to do....but how do I market it? How do I promote it? How do I secure an audience that may really like my subject one week, but hate all the others?
I must contemplate more.
March 19, 2009
I think I just need a hobby (part I)
Since yesterday's post I have been doing a lot of internal soul searching....looking for a reason to explain why I always seem messed up to various degrees, and can't seem to move beyond the immediate situation on hand. I sometimes think my bouts of depression are not just about overthink the past and the present, but not really having a plan of happiness for the future.
It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).
It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).
I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.
It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).
Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.
Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.
I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.
So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.
Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.
I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.
(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).
It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).
It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).
I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.
It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).
Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.
Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.
I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.
So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.
Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.
I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.
(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).
March 18, 2009
Hives again
I've been a little stressed out again lately....well, seeing that I'm waking up anywhere between 4am and 5am and feel as if there is a woundup softball behind my sternum, I'd garner to say I've been very stressed out as of late.
My wife is once again making irresponsible financial blunders that is resulting in the bank sending her bounced check notices and the credit card companies calling a few times day looking for her in which she ignores. Couple all this with tax season around the corner, property taxes due, and continued layoffs at my workplace, I broke out in hives a few days ago. My hands are completly swollen right now and itch like crazy.
Even my extended family has made certain observations in which prompted my sister in law to have a mild intervention with me. What was really nice was the fact that she took her time in crafting me a wonderful email that was fair, balanced and has my best interests at heart. And I believe every word of hers.
I haven't gone to church much the last few weeks and I don't really have a good answer as to why.
I've also been trying to distract myself in other ways, perhaps as an escape to the reality that is my life. I've been searching for new hobbies, been engrossed in books and gadgets, and doing just about anything I can to not deal with my home life situation. I've been doing a lot of writing lately, although it hasn't been directed here, and I'm seemingly having a hard time putting cohesive words and thoughts together. That's most likely why I haven't been updating here as much as of late...I'm really having a hard time putting things together right now.
My wife is once again making irresponsible financial blunders that is resulting in the bank sending her bounced check notices and the credit card companies calling a few times day looking for her in which she ignores. Couple all this with tax season around the corner, property taxes due, and continued layoffs at my workplace, I broke out in hives a few days ago. My hands are completly swollen right now and itch like crazy.
Even my extended family has made certain observations in which prompted my sister in law to have a mild intervention with me. What was really nice was the fact that she took her time in crafting me a wonderful email that was fair, balanced and has my best interests at heart. And I believe every word of hers.
I haven't gone to church much the last few weeks and I don't really have a good answer as to why.
I've also been trying to distract myself in other ways, perhaps as an escape to the reality that is my life. I've been searching for new hobbies, been engrossed in books and gadgets, and doing just about anything I can to not deal with my home life situation. I've been doing a lot of writing lately, although it hasn't been directed here, and I'm seemingly having a hard time putting cohesive words and thoughts together. That's most likely why I haven't been updating here as much as of late...I'm really having a hard time putting things together right now.
March 04, 2009
It's been a while
This blog has been on my mind a lot as of late.
It seems that when my emotions are at both their peaks and valleys, I keep wishing there was a PC around or nearby so I can capture my raw thoughts. But that hasn't been the case the last month or so.
The last few weeks I have been alternating between a bit of funk again and being neutral. I had a mild breakdown a few weeks ago in front of some of the men at church...and have taken a self imposed break from going....more out of embarassment I suppose than anything else. At the time they seemed very comforting and caring, yet I haven't heard from any of them since. I don't really blame them for that I suppose, it's not like I've gone out of my way tp contact them either.
On the work front, it has been a mixed blessing. I have survived soem earlier layoffs, but there is another rumored one to happen sometime this month...but it's just a rumor at this point with no real scuttlebutt on which departments may be affected. For me, I've been busy latetly at work....it makes the day go by very fast, but at the same time I get so frustrated with some of the decisions being made (or not made for that matter) as of late, I just walk away at times in befuddlement of what my "superiors" are asking or what they want. It is very hard for me to sit back and bite my tongue sometimes, but in lieu of the fact I can't afford to lose my job, I don't question things anymore no matter how much non-sense things appear on the outside.
I've learned the hard way not to question everything at times, that there may indeed be a reason for the insanity I just can't see, but it's a fine line. If you don't question, you are perceived to "roll over" and continue to get frustrated, but if you do challenge certain decisons (or again, lack thereof), you are perceived to be combative or not a "team player". Sometimes you really just can't win.
That sums up my job as of late....just going through the motions, not causing waves...because the paycheck is important right now.
And why is it so important right now? Because, once again, it was recently revealed that my wife has gotten herself in over her head on her own personal debt where credit card companies are calling our house and this is how I find out. It's been very scary as we are now often making a lot of sacrifices, even foregoing a few meals and every luxury I can think of right now, just to make sure we have enough to cover a few bills.
My faith has been thus tested again as I see no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, and then the personal guilt and shame hits me as I then realize how many more people have it so much, much worse than us. I just read a story about 12 year old children being raped by soldiers in Darfur, gang members killing each other in jails, families who lost everything in a flood, or a relative with inoperable cancer...and I'm complaining that I can't go out to a nice dinner this month.
It seems that when my emotions are at both their peaks and valleys, I keep wishing there was a PC around or nearby so I can capture my raw thoughts. But that hasn't been the case the last month or so.
The last few weeks I have been alternating between a bit of funk again and being neutral. I had a mild breakdown a few weeks ago in front of some of the men at church...and have taken a self imposed break from going....more out of embarassment I suppose than anything else. At the time they seemed very comforting and caring, yet I haven't heard from any of them since. I don't really blame them for that I suppose, it's not like I've gone out of my way tp contact them either.
On the work front, it has been a mixed blessing. I have survived soem earlier layoffs, but there is another rumored one to happen sometime this month...but it's just a rumor at this point with no real scuttlebutt on which departments may be affected. For me, I've been busy latetly at work....it makes the day go by very fast, but at the same time I get so frustrated with some of the decisions being made (or not made for that matter) as of late, I just walk away at times in befuddlement of what my "superiors" are asking or what they want. It is very hard for me to sit back and bite my tongue sometimes, but in lieu of the fact I can't afford to lose my job, I don't question things anymore no matter how much non-sense things appear on the outside.
I've learned the hard way not to question everything at times, that there may indeed be a reason for the insanity I just can't see, but it's a fine line. If you don't question, you are perceived to "roll over" and continue to get frustrated, but if you do challenge certain decisons (or again, lack thereof), you are perceived to be combative or not a "team player". Sometimes you really just can't win.
That sums up my job as of late....just going through the motions, not causing waves...because the paycheck is important right now.
And why is it so important right now? Because, once again, it was recently revealed that my wife has gotten herself in over her head on her own personal debt where credit card companies are calling our house and this is how I find out. It's been very scary as we are now often making a lot of sacrifices, even foregoing a few meals and every luxury I can think of right now, just to make sure we have enough to cover a few bills.
My faith has been thus tested again as I see no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon, and then the personal guilt and shame hits me as I then realize how many more people have it so much, much worse than us. I just read a story about 12 year old children being raped by soldiers in Darfur, gang members killing each other in jails, families who lost everything in a flood, or a relative with inoperable cancer...and I'm complaining that I can't go out to a nice dinner this month.
January 26, 2009
Re-connecting
I recently joined Facebook, a social networking site supposedly geared more to adults than MySpace is. I've seen MySpace before, and I don't particularly care for it. It's just a jumble of random color schemes, music blurbs, and juvenile teen-speak.
MySpace debuted prior to Facebook, and it became the mouthpiece for the whole 15-20 year old crowd, of course there are adults on there as well....and I would imagine many are on there posing as someone they are actually not. A very scary place in cyberspace with adult predators, damaged children, very little monitoring, etc. I actually detest it. I could go on and on about the negatives of MySpce, but that's not what this post is about.
Facebook is the more mature brother to MySpace....where more adults gravitate too, and the conversations and blurbs have a bit more substance without as much vulgarity.
However, I have mixed thoughts on Facebook as well. My wife is addicted to it.....dangerously so. Not that I worry about her 'cheating' on me, but she, like so many others begin to develop an unhealthy addiction to it that it begins to replace actual face-to-face conversations. Just like texting with cellphones....I don't get the point. If you're holding a phone in yoru hand, why not just call? Why would you use a phone to type a message and wait for a reply? Why not 'talk' to the person. I recently heard an interview with various therapists who also warn about teh dangers of this trend....more and more people are not actually talking to each other anymore. Conversations are being chipped down to basic words that fly back and forth in the ether and we as humans are losing are ability to look people in the eye...to read facial expressions, to share 'real' experiences and so on. Everything is becoming snippets, and things of course get lost in translation.
One of my best friends says the same thing. His wife, since introduced to Facebook, is on it all the time, which robs him and her of their relationship together. He hates these social sites and refuses to join.
For a long time I agreed with him, and felt the same way.
Until I looked over my wifes shoulder and discovered I could search for many a lost friend. Before I knew it, I had my own profile created and within minutes had found friends I hadn't seen in over 20-25 years. Elementary schools chums, high school buddies, ex-girlfriends, college fraternity brothers.
Today I have about 60 friends on my 'friends' list....and you know what? My wife isn't listed as one of them. I haven't asked her, and she hasn't asked me. In a way...it may not be a bad idea, but it does still strike me strange that we haven't asked each other to be on our respective social lists. Maybe we need to protect our privacy even in cyberspace. In all honesty, I'm kinda glad she doesn't 'check up' on me...I have had a few ex-girlfriends write me, and while they have been completly innocent, the potential of bringing up the past has been a concern of mine...something I tip-toe around quite a bit. As a matter of fact, this past weekend I had an ex-girlfriend write me which took me by surprise (I'm ashamed to say I forgot about her), and then added in a comment that in regards to my picture "You look great, but then again...you were always easy on the eyes." Of course it was a nice compliment and I'm flattered, but it's nothing I want to share or explain to my wife who this person is, was, or anything else for that matter. Sometimes it's good to have certain chapters in life to be closed....for good.
The one true blessing so far is a college roommate of mine who I haven't seen or spoke to since '93 contacted me. That's 15 years since we last spoke to each other, and I had the opportunity to share with him my testimony of re-discovering God and Christ a few years ago due to some comment I posted. We were able to speak on the phone yesterday for the first time in 15 years. We spoke for about 30 minutes....until he was cut short due to a family manner. We rehashed the past for a bit, and he paid me quite a few compliments as how he remembered me and how he thought I was the one guy 'who had it all together and make something of his life'.
Now that I am in the Lord, I don't have much to hide, and I told him about my issues the last few years.....the depression, the anxiety, the drugs, the emotions, the thoughts of death. He was both shocked and happy....happy that I am now a Christian, for he too became one a few years back as well. He told me about his lows and issues as well and how he came to know the Lord. A far cry since our college days living as modern day Romans.
We were able to share our testimonies with each other, and our frienship seemed like it was as alive today as it was all those years ago, but now we have something else in common....Christ as our savior...and I suppose I need to thank Facebook for bringing us back together.
MySpace debuted prior to Facebook, and it became the mouthpiece for the whole 15-20 year old crowd, of course there are adults on there as well....and I would imagine many are on there posing as someone they are actually not. A very scary place in cyberspace with adult predators, damaged children, very little monitoring, etc. I actually detest it. I could go on and on about the negatives of MySpce, but that's not what this post is about.
Facebook is the more mature brother to MySpace....where more adults gravitate too, and the conversations and blurbs have a bit more substance without as much vulgarity.
However, I have mixed thoughts on Facebook as well. My wife is addicted to it.....dangerously so. Not that I worry about her 'cheating' on me, but she, like so many others begin to develop an unhealthy addiction to it that it begins to replace actual face-to-face conversations. Just like texting with cellphones....I don't get the point. If you're holding a phone in yoru hand, why not just call? Why would you use a phone to type a message and wait for a reply? Why not 'talk' to the person. I recently heard an interview with various therapists who also warn about teh dangers of this trend....more and more people are not actually talking to each other anymore. Conversations are being chipped down to basic words that fly back and forth in the ether and we as humans are losing are ability to look people in the eye...to read facial expressions, to share 'real' experiences and so on. Everything is becoming snippets, and things of course get lost in translation.
One of my best friends says the same thing. His wife, since introduced to Facebook, is on it all the time, which robs him and her of their relationship together. He hates these social sites and refuses to join.
For a long time I agreed with him, and felt the same way.
Until I looked over my wifes shoulder and discovered I could search for many a lost friend. Before I knew it, I had my own profile created and within minutes had found friends I hadn't seen in over 20-25 years. Elementary schools chums, high school buddies, ex-girlfriends, college fraternity brothers.
Today I have about 60 friends on my 'friends' list....and you know what? My wife isn't listed as one of them. I haven't asked her, and she hasn't asked me. In a way...it may not be a bad idea, but it does still strike me strange that we haven't asked each other to be on our respective social lists. Maybe we need to protect our privacy even in cyberspace. In all honesty, I'm kinda glad she doesn't 'check up' on me...I have had a few ex-girlfriends write me, and while they have been completly innocent, the potential of bringing up the past has been a concern of mine...something I tip-toe around quite a bit. As a matter of fact, this past weekend I had an ex-girlfriend write me which took me by surprise (I'm ashamed to say I forgot about her), and then added in a comment that in regards to my picture "You look great, but then again...you were always easy on the eyes." Of course it was a nice compliment and I'm flattered, but it's nothing I want to share or explain to my wife who this person is, was, or anything else for that matter. Sometimes it's good to have certain chapters in life to be closed....for good.
The one true blessing so far is a college roommate of mine who I haven't seen or spoke to since '93 contacted me. That's 15 years since we last spoke to each other, and I had the opportunity to share with him my testimony of re-discovering God and Christ a few years ago due to some comment I posted. We were able to speak on the phone yesterday for the first time in 15 years. We spoke for about 30 minutes....until he was cut short due to a family manner. We rehashed the past for a bit, and he paid me quite a few compliments as how he remembered me and how he thought I was the one guy 'who had it all together and make something of his life'.
Now that I am in the Lord, I don't have much to hide, and I told him about my issues the last few years.....the depression, the anxiety, the drugs, the emotions, the thoughts of death. He was both shocked and happy....happy that I am now a Christian, for he too became one a few years back as well. He told me about his lows and issues as well and how he came to know the Lord. A far cry since our college days living as modern day Romans.
We were able to share our testimonies with each other, and our frienship seemed like it was as alive today as it was all those years ago, but now we have something else in common....Christ as our savior...and I suppose I need to thank Facebook for bringing us back together.
January 13, 2009
Nothing new to report
Fortunately, I wasn't laid off last week, but that doesn't mean I'm in the clear. Our company did release some temporary workers, how many...I'm not sure...and it appears at least for the time being any additional layoffs may be on hold for at least a month, maybe two.
So I suppose I have some breathing room for the time being, and this little mini-scare I had last week had me once again cinching up the old financial belt. Money right now is going directly to debt and the neccessities, such as food and gas. Once again, I fear that any hopes of a real vacation may be dashed as I look around and see so many others right now facing economic hardships.
I'm not sure why, but I didn't go to church this past weekend. I got up early and intended to go, but once again like what happened a few weeks back, the closer it got time to leave....the more I just sat struggling within and making excuses to enjoy a cup of coffee and solitude.
I've been think of 'R' lately and haven't found the courage to call his ex-fiance up to see how she's doing. Maybe I'll call this weekend and make it a point to bring my dog over to play with her and R's dog as an excuse.
Getting back to the unemployment thing again....only now that that particular episode is over do I recognize the enemy was using my own insecurities and fears against me. I let the rumors rob me of piece of mind, and for those few days I made myself physically uncomfortable for nothing. I worried and panicked and stressed, for what? Too bad this is a life lesson I constantly fail at learning anything.
So I suppose I have some breathing room for the time being, and this little mini-scare I had last week had me once again cinching up the old financial belt. Money right now is going directly to debt and the neccessities, such as food and gas. Once again, I fear that any hopes of a real vacation may be dashed as I look around and see so many others right now facing economic hardships.
I'm not sure why, but I didn't go to church this past weekend. I got up early and intended to go, but once again like what happened a few weeks back, the closer it got time to leave....the more I just sat struggling within and making excuses to enjoy a cup of coffee and solitude.
I've been think of 'R' lately and haven't found the courage to call his ex-fiance up to see how she's doing. Maybe I'll call this weekend and make it a point to bring my dog over to play with her and R's dog as an excuse.
Getting back to the unemployment thing again....only now that that particular episode is over do I recognize the enemy was using my own insecurities and fears against me. I let the rumors rob me of piece of mind, and for those few days I made myself physically uncomfortable for nothing. I worried and panicked and stressed, for what? Too bad this is a life lesson I constantly fail at learning anything.
January 07, 2009
An uncertain tomorrow
It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep. (Psalm 127:2)
I guess I've been feeling petty vain the last few days then. I've been up both late and rising early, my stress feels tangible inside as the knots behind my sternum have been present the last few days.
Today is Wed., and there are very strong rumors that my company (that I've now been with for 1.5 years) is going to lay off people tomorrow. They have already done two smaller rounds prior to the holidays in which about 40 people (out of our 700 or so) were let go and I felt very bad for them. As someone who was laid off a few years back and struggled to find a new job that actually paid me some respect and granted me an 'okay' salary, it's not a situation I am too eager to repeat anytime soon.
The problem now is that a coworker planted a seed in my head the other day that was innocent in nature, but began to fester within my being into something that's been now robbing me of my sleep and focus. It got so bad at one point last night that I was seriously thinking of popping a Clonzapen or having a stiff drink. In the end I did neither. I was able to find an older resume of mine however and spent some time updating it in perhaps a knee-jerk reaction and posted it to Monster.com last night. I think I'll have to spend a little bit more time in tweaking it and re posting it so it looks a little better.
Anyway, the rumored day for the layoff is tomorrow, Thursday, and I wouldn't be lying if I wasn't scared. My wife and I are not in a financial place right now where losing my job is going to be easy by any means. As a matter of fact we curtailed our usual Christmas spending way back and even informed loved ones not to expect much from us this year. We haven't gone to many places as of late or done any fixups about the house. Yeah, it's been a bit tight this year.
I took the chance to speak with my current boss yesterday to 'feel out' the situation, and like the master poker player he says he's not, didn't reveal one iota of information. For every positive thing he may have alluded to, there was an equal not so positive thing to balance it. Needless to say, I didn't feel much better afterwards and perhaps a few more questions were raised inside my head about my future and my career than when I first walked in.
Tomorrow is payday, and it may or may not be my last check with the company, but I guess I'll know within the next 34 hours (from when I write this).
But what plagues me just as much of the uncertainty of my job is the uncertainty of my faith and trust in the Lord. Once again, I have allowed the enemy to steal any peace, joy, and calmness in my life and replaced it with stress, anxiety, frustration, etc. All this flies in direct opposition in which Christ asks us to trust in Him, to turn over all burdens to Him, to not worry about the future for He will provide and take care of all His children.
Thank you Lord for keeping your future promises to us despite my own inability to sometimes to accept them on faith alone. Your will be done, and if it is not good news for me tomorrow, please let me have learned from the previous time on how to handle things in my life.
I guess I've been feeling petty vain the last few days then. I've been up both late and rising early, my stress feels tangible inside as the knots behind my sternum have been present the last few days.
Today is Wed., and there are very strong rumors that my company (that I've now been with for 1.5 years) is going to lay off people tomorrow. They have already done two smaller rounds prior to the holidays in which about 40 people (out of our 700 or so) were let go and I felt very bad for them. As someone who was laid off a few years back and struggled to find a new job that actually paid me some respect and granted me an 'okay' salary, it's not a situation I am too eager to repeat anytime soon.
The problem now is that a coworker planted a seed in my head the other day that was innocent in nature, but began to fester within my being into something that's been now robbing me of my sleep and focus. It got so bad at one point last night that I was seriously thinking of popping a Clonzapen or having a stiff drink. In the end I did neither. I was able to find an older resume of mine however and spent some time updating it in perhaps a knee-jerk reaction and posted it to Monster.com last night. I think I'll have to spend a little bit more time in tweaking it and re posting it so it looks a little better.
Anyway, the rumored day for the layoff is tomorrow, Thursday, and I wouldn't be lying if I wasn't scared. My wife and I are not in a financial place right now where losing my job is going to be easy by any means. As a matter of fact we curtailed our usual Christmas spending way back and even informed loved ones not to expect much from us this year. We haven't gone to many places as of late or done any fixups about the house. Yeah, it's been a bit tight this year.
I took the chance to speak with my current boss yesterday to 'feel out' the situation, and like the master poker player he says he's not, didn't reveal one iota of information. For every positive thing he may have alluded to, there was an equal not so positive thing to balance it. Needless to say, I didn't feel much better afterwards and perhaps a few more questions were raised inside my head about my future and my career than when I first walked in.
Tomorrow is payday, and it may or may not be my last check with the company, but I guess I'll know within the next 34 hours (from when I write this).
But what plagues me just as much of the uncertainty of my job is the uncertainty of my faith and trust in the Lord. Once again, I have allowed the enemy to steal any peace, joy, and calmness in my life and replaced it with stress, anxiety, frustration, etc. All this flies in direct opposition in which Christ asks us to trust in Him, to turn over all burdens to Him, to not worry about the future for He will provide and take care of all His children.
Thank you Lord for keeping your future promises to us despite my own inability to sometimes to accept them on faith alone. Your will be done, and if it is not good news for me tomorrow, please let me have learned from the previous time on how to handle things in my life.
December 22, 2008
A little of this and that.
Finally after a two week self-imposed hiatus, I went to church yesterday and it was just what I needed.
The previous two weeks have been a bit stressful and emotionally taxing for me. I lost a friend, my wife informed me that she can't buy presents until after Christmas because she's broke...again... (which made me a bit frustrated, disapointed, and angry) . We're hosting Christmas Eve at my house this year and I'm doing all the cooking, it's been raining a lot (today again) and it's so hard to keep everything clean, and lastly my company is scheduled to layoff yet more people on January 8th (in which there is a chance I may be going).
Very stressful and taxing. I caught myself crying in solitude again on Friday. I just get sooo tired of everything and everyone some times.
I cleaned the house so much yesterday and all I asked my wife to do was to mop the kitchen and dining room in which she said she would, twice, and still never did it. She got testy with me when I didn't clean up a pot I had been using which kinda floored me, seeing that I spent half the day cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, wrapping presesnts, etc., but I bit my tongue and cleaned it anway. And she still never mopped. Eh, but I'll stop the complaining here.
As I was originally saying, I went to church with an open heart and mind because I had an inner desire for my souls thirst to be quenched. My pastor spoke about the history of Christmas from a biblical perspective and my eyes were opened it seemed for the first time. All my previous conceptions of Christmas were shattered as after my 30+ years on this planet did I learn that the wise men numbered more than 3. That they most likely visited Jesus the first time when he was actually 2 years old (not a baby in a manger as all Hallmark cards and nativity scenes indicate). That Myrrh was an embalming spice. That Herod despite being named 'King of the Jews' was not a direct descendant of David. Anyway, it was very historically based and now makes me see things in a whole new light. I was pretty excited, and for the first time in many years I didn't mind singing.
I have two more days of work this week, this being one of them, and then I'm off until January 5th. We'll see if I'm laid off on the 8th though. Please pray for me that I can make it through the Holiday's with love and understanding and compassion and pateience with my wife and family and continually remember what 'Christmas' is all about and not what the world has turned it into the last few years.
The previous two weeks have been a bit stressful and emotionally taxing for me. I lost a friend, my wife informed me that she can't buy presents until after Christmas because she's broke...again... (which made me a bit frustrated, disapointed, and angry) . We're hosting Christmas Eve at my house this year and I'm doing all the cooking, it's been raining a lot (today again) and it's so hard to keep everything clean, and lastly my company is scheduled to layoff yet more people on January 8th (in which there is a chance I may be going).
Very stressful and taxing. I caught myself crying in solitude again on Friday. I just get sooo tired of everything and everyone some times.
I cleaned the house so much yesterday and all I asked my wife to do was to mop the kitchen and dining room in which she said she would, twice, and still never did it. She got testy with me when I didn't clean up a pot I had been using which kinda floored me, seeing that I spent half the day cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, wrapping presesnts, etc., but I bit my tongue and cleaned it anway. And she still never mopped. Eh, but I'll stop the complaining here.
As I was originally saying, I went to church with an open heart and mind because I had an inner desire for my souls thirst to be quenched. My pastor spoke about the history of Christmas from a biblical perspective and my eyes were opened it seemed for the first time. All my previous conceptions of Christmas were shattered as after my 30+ years on this planet did I learn that the wise men numbered more than 3. That they most likely visited Jesus the first time when he was actually 2 years old (not a baby in a manger as all Hallmark cards and nativity scenes indicate). That Myrrh was an embalming spice. That Herod despite being named 'King of the Jews' was not a direct descendant of David. Anyway, it was very historically based and now makes me see things in a whole new light. I was pretty excited, and for the first time in many years I didn't mind singing.
I have two more days of work this week, this being one of them, and then I'm off until January 5th. We'll see if I'm laid off on the 8th though. Please pray for me that I can make it through the Holiday's with love and understanding and compassion and pateience with my wife and family and continually remember what 'Christmas' is all about and not what the world has turned it into the last few years.
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