Mental Images of Encouragment

I heard a very pleasant antedote the other day that I'd like to share with everyone.

Sometimes these little play on ideas and simple descriptions, once they sink in, can make you smile:

It is said that God loves and considers every one of us His precious children. So much so in fact, that if God carried a wallet, He'd have a picture of every single one of us in it, and proudly show us off to anyone who asked.

"Underwood also said such fantasies began about the time he started taking the antidepressant Lexapro. Defense attorneys plan to call witnesses during the penalty phase on his use of the drug."

Above is a direct line from a horrific story here I came across on CNN.com. I'll warn you ahead of time, it is a graphic story that involves a homicide and the details are disturbing.

I've noticed a trend as of late that the news seems to mention the types of antidepressant drugs involved when it comes to notable crimes of this nature. It was only a few weeks ago we learned that the young man who shot and killed students, then took his own life at Virgina Tech was also, as his girlfriend stated: "Off his meds."

While I do indeed believe there is some merit when drawing a correlation between antidpressant drugs and recent news stories, it's also pretty dangerous to draw such correlations as well.

According to the Wikipedia entry on 'Escitalopram' (aka Lexapro), some side effects of Lexapro include nausea, gastrointestinal issues, drowsiness, dizziness, and some sexual side effects. There was no mention of violent tendancies or 'fantasies' as Underwood recounted.

From my own personal experience, I can agree with the gastrointestinal issues, but nausea, dizziness and drowsiness were very mild for me. I didn't suffer any sexual side effects, other than maybe a diminished sex drive. But I was so moody, depressed, angry, bitter, sad, etc....that sex was the last thing on my mind anyway, so I am not to sure if Lexapro affected me in that arena or not.

In a not-so, but somewhat related tangent....did you know that Scientology doesn't allow its cult members to use antidepressants? I've heard similar accounts for Jehovah Witnesses as well, but I'm not 100% positive of that claim or not. I only mention this because I thinks its a bit strange that a few religions don't believe in the use of certain medications or doctors in general, but I argue that God gave man the intelligence and gifted brains to create such modern medicinal miracles. Look at Aspirin as a case in point.

This reminds me of an analogy I once heard. A couple's home town was devestated by a flood, and they found temporary shelter on the roof of their house and began to pray in earnest that they be saved by God. After a day or two, a boat comes along side the house and offers rescue, but the couple rejects it in belief that God will deliver them. Two more days go by and finally a helicopter finds them and drops them a ladder, but again they refuse, stating God will rescue them. Unforunately, the couple dies and they find themselves in heaven and complain to God that they were too young to perish, that they had prayed, and wondered why God had let them perish, abandoning them. God in turn replied, "My children, I did hear you. I am the one who sent you the boat and the helicopter."

So I am digressing a bit here. The point is God has given man the ability to use his hands, skills, talents, and minds for medical purposes....so don't reject them outright because some religious figures say not to, or just pray, and if you have enough faith, then you will be cured. I don't think it works that way.

So back to my original thought....I was very disturbed to read that CNN made it a point to mention the Lexapro tidbit, as if to lead readers to believe this may be the cause of this mans mental state. I believe Mr. Underwood was/is mentally unstable as it is, and they didn't state his history of use. Meaning, did he just start taking it? Was he on and off? What was the dosage? Were other factors involved?

My personal experience was I started with 5mg at first. When I mentioned I didn't feel much different at the end of two weeks, my dosage was adjusted to 10mg. Again, when I was really having a tough time and felt that death was indeed an option, my dosage was upped upped to 20mg a day. I'll be honest...I don't know what the upper limit is on dosages, or what the average dosage is. I suspect it's different for everyone and my 20mg may be enough for me, but not enough, or possibly too much for someone else. But I was also told that I had to take it every day, and could take 5 weeks, maybe more, for my body to accept the drug and regulate, and by missing one day may mess up the whole treatment. I don't know one way or another.

What I do know is that I didn't have any 'fantasies' at all. The exact opposite happened. I just felt numb. I was indeed aware that my emotional controls centers seemed diminished. I was always 'even keel'...not overly angry or sad, but never happy and joyous either. Like my mind was muddled when it came to socializng with others. I could still think and do my job, but interaction with others just seemed off. Jokes weren't funny. Songs didn't have me tapping my feet. But my anger was also gone, as was many of the negative emotions as well. There was no more black or white...just grey, if that makes sense.

So what were these fantasies? Is it possible that Mr. Underwood was 'encouraged' or 'tricked' by one of Satans minions? We live in a corrupt world, and I am making no excuse for Mr. Underwood. He should be held accountable, and receive the appropriate punishement. But I wonder how depression takes so many different forms, and if weak willed people (including myself at times) can be influnced by those who really want to seperate us from God and drive us further into sin and madness...i.e. demonic forces. I believe that a certain seperation from God does allow for certain heinous acts to be carried out easier than if someone did have an inkling of Gods knowledge within oneself.

For reader James

James,

Thank you so much for your comments and sharing with me your personal struggles as well.

I hope you don't mind me making a post out of this, but I want to share something with you and everyone else today.

I haven't had much to write here the last two weeks or so. What initially starts as a random thought here at some random place which I want to express and share with you all, I can never seem to actually remember it when I finally sit down to a computer.

Strangely, the last day or two I have had a strong itch to write something, but I didn't know what. I also coulnd't explain this strong urge either. In conjuction with jumbled feelings these last two weeks, I have't had had the heart to go to church. Oh, deep down I know I should have gone, and even felt a twinge of guilt for not going, but I was justifying it by convincing myself "my heart is not in the right place, so it'll just be a waste of time."

Others would say this is indeed the exact right time to go so that perhaps the Holy Spirit can minister to a confused and unlistening heart. I dunno.

Needless to say, I was very happy and moved as well to read your comment, and believe that I was led here again today to receive it and to tell you you are not alone. James, I will pray for you in your struggles as they seem to mirror my own. Sometimes it is indeed better to talk to someone on the outside world, as I know speaking to my own wife and family about these topics can be frustrating and unfulfilling at times. I don't know how many times I thought I had the courage to say something to my wife, when in reality I didn't. I thought maybe because she'd really begin to think I was 'damaged', or it was a sign of weakness. That'd there's no way she'd ever understood no matter how often she nodded her head.

I do indeed believe times does heal wounds, and it is still an ongoing process. There are moments I see a complete and utter positive change in our relationship and think can be bliss for days on end, but then one stray comment or something else can throw all that out the window. You can surround yourself with loved ones and friends, and pills, and therapy.......but at least for myself the turn began when I finally came to terms that I was depressed and unhappy and not in control....a process in which I think you are going through now.

The next step for me was to take in stock that God and Christ never left me....I had left them...and only by re-allowing them into my heart (not an easy thing to do for many males), did I begin to have small break throughs.

Anyways,....again...thank you James for making my day...and please stop by again or feel free to write my direct e-mail if you so choose.

Frustration and Heaven

"Don't be troubled. You trust God, now trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father's home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this was not so, I would tell you plainly. When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am." (John 14: 1-3)

I have had a multitude of thoughts on various things lately (nightmares, lust, sin, love, marriage, death, unemployment), and unfortunately their themes seem to be more negative than positive as of late. I wonder if this is how I am wired. There are just some people you see in movies, cartoons, and moral stories which always seem to have cloud over their head of one degree or another. I know I've felt this way for a few years now, much more aware of negative or unpleasing situations/issues in God's eyes than positive ones, despite the amount of prayer I lift up to Him to unshackle my burdens.

I also come to the logical conclusion that I have yet to let go ov everything, and thus put 100% of my trust and faith into God no matter how many times I read the commandments to do so. As a human, I still want to control my own desinty, fix my own problems, to get myself out of my own messes. It's as if I need to work for my salvation....clearly man's flawed interpretation, not God's, because His mercy, forgivess, love, and salvation are gifts....free of charge...to all those that accept.

But I've been so indoctrinated from the worlds belief that "there is no such thing as a free lunch". Well, God says there is, and his deli is always open...it never closes and it is always stocked. But I stand before this deli, have my hand on the door, and I'm still worried about how much cash I have in my pocket.

Needless to say two main overlapping themes have been plaguing me the last few days: frustration and life in heaven. Oh, I assure you, these aren't my only thoughts. I have had plenty I could dwell on for days, but it seems these two are garnering the most attention in my frontal lobe.

First, there are both some very clear definitions of heaven, and some other descriptions which are maddeningly vague. Revaltions describes a new Heaven and a new Earth, a perfect square of 1,400 miles wide as it is deep. Streets of gold and twelve gates encrusted with pearls, and foundations made of pecious jems. Sadness and tears will be no more and evil vanquished. There is no night, we are to have new bodies, there will be no sea, and Jesus proclaims he is preparing a 'place' for eash of us.

But what exactly is this place? Is it a room? Is it an actual house? Dorm room? Condo? Will we share with our loved ones, or is each place meant for one singular being? If there is no night, then will we ever sleep or be tired in heaven? Personally, on occassion I do enjoy cuddling up in bed and staying warm, especially with my dog or a good book. Will these things be no more? I enjoy food and cooking and BBQ's, but in Heaven, will I eat and share meals with others?

Many theologians state that marriage does not exist in heaven either. So will I care if I see my wife there? How about any of my ex-girlfriends? Will I have intimacy in heaven as we have carnal relations here on earth? It's too mind boggling at times.

And finally it is described that a new Heaven will resemble a city. Will we have jobs in this city? Will I get frustrated and perhaps bored with my job?

This leads me to my second theme: frustration.

Today at my job, I was frustrated with the task at hand and with myself. A simple 5 minute job (if everything was in place) ended up being closer to an hour. I had to walk back and forth between the same two points multiple times because something was marked wrong and I had to double check the connections. On one trip I forgot my tools, so I had to go back and get them, then place them, then test again, then pick up my tools. I began to mutter under my breath at myself and at the person who incorrectly labeled things to begin with. And then I had to remind myself in my mounting frustration, that this is trivial overall and I should be thanking Jesus for providing me with a job to begin with. Despite the menial tasks and my escalting bitterness, I lost sight that I had a job, and Jesus tells me to do the best I can at what is provided to honor Him. Oh boy.

Then of course the logical progression of my thoughts turned to heaven again. If I have a job in heaven, will I too get frustrated if I forget a tool there? Can a carpenter in heaven accidentally smash his thumb? Can we make a mistake in our job and will these jobs ever be rewarding if there is no challenge?

Scientists say we only use about 10-15% of our brain. Imagine in heaven we use 100%? I can't comprehend this stuff.....which of course is frustrating in and of itself.

V-Day, 2008

Well, yesterday was just like any other day at our house. Maybe because we both work and my wife is on a very strict diet, we opted to stay home.

In the morning we exchanged a few gifts. I got a pair of novelty boxers I'll probably never wear (white with red hearts all over them), and I got my wife some boots and a gift card to download digital songs.

The person that made out the best was my dog. I bought him some toys, and my parents got him a designer leash, harness, and treats.

Actually, we didn't make a big deal out of Valentines Day because supposedly tomorrow my wife is going to surprise me. She is taking me somewhere overnight, and even right now I have no clue as to where. I'm trying to picture where we are going for 24 hours, and I have no idea. I just hope we don't have to drive too far, and also hope there is something to do. I am sure there will be, because I think my wife knows I wouldn't enjoy spending hours in a car to a destination that I'll be bored at despite her company.

I give her credit though. I do recognize the fact she planned this all by herself and took the reigns to plan it out...something she used to do when we were dating. I like surprises, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt right now, but I am a little leary of this 24 hour get-away.

I'm taking Monday off from work as well, as is she. We'll be cleaning out the garage, and I'm hoping that both of us will be able to seperate from some junk that is just taking up space, and I'll be happy if we can get at least agree on chucking 20-25% of what we have in storage.

Since I will be gon this weekend, that means no church on Sunday or men's group on Saturday. Part of me is kinda bummed, since last week my heart really wasn't into it. Maybe one more week will help recharge my thirst for spirituality?

Dazed

That's how I feel today.

I just wrote my wife a long email and sent it to her. I hope she reads it with an understanding and open heart. Sometimes, I fear that when I open up, I'm not being the typical male and look like some complaining baby in her eyes. Yes, I'm a very sensitive male.

The last few days, the amount of sleep I've been getting is a little below average. I've also had that familair feeling of anxiety creeping up by the occassional tightness in my chest, but I don't know what is casuing it. My dreams have been a little darker lately too...not full blown nightmares, but nothing overly pleasant either.

Things at home have been going fairly well otherwise. My wife is doing very well on a diet. She's lost almost 18 lbs the last 4 weeks. In retrospect, I should be more outwardly supportive and complimentary, but I often forget.

Today is my step-daughters birthday....and I totally forgot. I should know better, and now I do have some guilt feelings over it. I wish my wife would have reminded me or at least gave me a card to sign. But that's not her fault. I should know better, which is yet just another reminder that my relationship with my step-daughter isn't where it should be from my perspective.

It's also another reminder that I don't have any of my own children, and while I am happy for my friends, I was reminded yesterday that they just had a baby and another friend of mine is actively trying with his wife. And we aren't. I wonder if that's because my wife still thinks I am not ready because of my mental state, because her lifestyle is changing a bit now, or she just gave up because of all the past difficulties we had conceiving in the past and she's beyond trying again, just to be let down.

I told my one friend the other day that I do hope I die before my wife when we get older...because I won't have anyone to look after me someday. I know this sounds like I'm rehashing the past, but I truly do feel I will die alone. And this saddens me and breaks my heart more than I can ever explain to my wife.

It doesn't help that its Valentines day this Thursday, and I'm drawing a complete and utter blank. The best I can do right now is buy a card for my wife and my parents, but all creativity that I was known for at one time seems gone. I can't think of any gift other than a cliche dinner and flowers which is soo typical and expected. There's no creativity in that, and yet when I look at my wife (or think of my parents)...nothing comes to mind. Nothing. And that makes me feel crappy as well.

Anxiety returns

The last few days I feel a sense of foreboding looming over me, yet I cannot place a finger on any one marker.


I've been restless the past four days, especially in my own spirit and mind, and I haven't been praying about it with all much sincerity either which I am just realizing now.


Friday, a young woman passed away at my place of employment. She was in here mid 30's. That is the second person who has passed away here at that age in the last few months, and it really put a damper on my mood. I think i knew who she was...she worked within my own building, but I never really spoke with her, perhaps a brief 'Hello' in mere passing at best.


It's true. You just never know. You could be in excellent health with no visible signs when God decides your time on Earth is at its end. I don't know if she was a believer or not, but the news of her death affects me none-the-less. It makes me take stock into my acts and works and attitudes while I am here.


I drank Friday night. More than I probably should have. I had both whisky and vodka, and as a result had a restless night. Saturday morning I tried to study the bible, but again, my thoughts were distanced and scattered. I could not focus at all, and no messages was making itself known for me to glean.

I was tired and went to bed early Saturday, but to no avail. For as fatigued as both my body and mind seemed to be, my restless dreams woke me up numerous times thoughout the night. So much so, I made a selfish excuse not to go to church on Sunday. I do feel a tad guilty about that, but my heart really wasn't in it. And of course my sleep last night was just as restless. I tossed and I turned, never falling into a deep sleep. I was up a few times, and I has a slight paign in my chest. It felt like a cross between tension and the early stages of one of my panic attacks, but teh more I sat there to think about it, the more I couldn't think of one thing that was getting under my skin. I've been thinking about work lately, a bit more than I usually do, but I'm not sure enough to keep me up at night.

I prayed today while driving on my way to work. Here I am asking God to remove my anxiety, and yet I felt a certain conviction in my heart as to what a horrid person I can be with my thoughts. Memories of anger and bitterness from a couple of years back came to mind, and I wondered "Whe the heck am I thinking this right now?" I have no answer for that.

Admission of a stranger

It's been a few weeks since my last post, and even I can't recall where I may have been going with the last post.

As I was telling someone else recently in some email correspondance, I have had both good days and bad days as of late. Thankfully, there have been more good days than bad, and only once did I seriously consider going back on the Lexapro to get me through a rough patch.

The last two weekends I haven't been feeling 100%. I've been a bit more tired, both physcially and mentally. I've also felt a little sore, and to be honest, wasn't really into doing anything...even church. So I skipped the last two Sunday's, and I'm not even sure why.

I listened with great interest to a talk radio show the other day in which one of the shows engineers had discussed his dealing with depression and his current regime of Lexapro. I was happy he was so open with it and defending his choice, while his friends thought he was 'just popping pills', and that this depression was 'all in his head'. Well, duh, it is!!

They couldn't understand why this man was on pills, but all did comment that he was overly cheery now, and maybe its a false effect to who he really is. That may be, but unless you know yourself and the emotional pain and guesswork depressed people go through, there really is no way they can explain and have others understand. Heck, I don't even understand myself.

You see, years ago I was one of those doubters; one of those guys on the outside that didn't understand why depressed people were 'depressed'. Why did they need to take pills? To me, it was just an excuse, running away from the real issues, hiding behind the convienence of a perscription. I thought if people were depressed than a few things were wrong (and it wasn't the brain): it was they were not surrounding themselves with loving and supportive people. It was they had no faith in God. That they were seeking attention, crying wolf, etc.

Then the tables were turned and I fell into the pit, and now I realize how wrong I was.

My family loves me, more than I can ever describe....but their words did not help me. My mother shook her head at me on more than one occasion stating the pills were an easy way out. You see, she stills thinks like I did. My father was a little more understanding. Admittedly, he doesn't know much about depression, but he knew something 'deeper' was wrong, and offered his company to me when I was sitting home alone staring at the floor. We didn't speak much during those times, but I know he was scared enough that he didn't want his only son to do something 'crazy'. Even though he may never tell me, I have a sense that he believed I was close to the edge and I may do something stupid. Most likely not, but I won't lie and say the thoughts never crossed my mind.

Anyway, back to the radio show.... I was amazed on how many of these friends of the 'engineer' knew he was depressed, and offered no real help at the time. Now they see him as a happier person, but at the same time criticized him for taking pills in the first place (as if he couldn't help himself), and aloc commented that he's not himself. Wow! He's not himself? Well of course not...he's now happier and cheery and out from under the dark cloud that he was under 24x7. Did they not like change? Would they rather have the old friend back, full of doom and gloom, and crabbiness? Apparantly. And that to me, is scary.

I wonder how many of my friends and family feel that way about me? That's why I don't really let on to my issues with my friends. Only my wife and my parents and you blog readers know about my meds. I am not 100% honest even with my best friends....for fear on how they will react or look at me.

Headaches

It's been a week since my last post.

I've had a lot on my mind, but then again, when don't I?

Sometimes I wonder if it's just my chemistry that I am to be a naturally stressed person? Is it nature or nurture? I can look back and think my mom coddled me for so many years that I didn't have the 'typical' boyhood, but who really is to say certain events or actions crafted me and there wasn't something already planted inside from creation that would also contribute to how I act or react to things. I won't get all philosophical today, it's too early for that.

Anyway, I mentioned last time I think I need to get a physical. I haven't made the appointment yet. It seems like life is too busy. I often forget to take a time out and take care of things. I'm always misplacing bills, my wallet, my keys. It's as if I get so wrapped up into other things, I take the trivial things and some important things (like a physical) for granted.

When I do have any spare time, I tend to shut the rest of the world out and get lost in my own moments. Like last night. My wife had a business dinner (which I always find 'questionable' to begin with.) and didn't come home until 10:15pm. Why do I say these are questionable? Well, they always seem to 'pop-up' at the last minute, usually involve no specific time frame, and always involve drinking. This isn't part of her job description, and I am highly suspect that she is 'required' to go to these. Why can't one just say 'No, I'm not going out late after hours to a bar and then drive home in the middle of the week at last minutes notice.' I know in the past I have said No, and the facts are, my wife's position in the company is not high profile enough to warrant her attendance. But that's neither here nor there. Last night, I really didn't care. Last night meant that instead of coming home and walking the dog, paying a bill, putting away Christmas decoration or cleaning up around the house, that I would be playing Xbox from 6pm to 10:30pm. And 4.5 hours of online gaming is exactly what I did, and I don't feel guilty about it.

What I do feel a tad guilty about is that I didn't go to church last weekend. I couldn't give the Lord 1.5 hours of my life. I made a justification that I wasn't feeling well, which was the truth, but not enough to keep me away for 1.5 hours.

I've been having these headache spells the past week. Bordering on migraine's, they have hit me at work, at home, on the weekend. Last Saturday night I even got nauseated for about 60 seconds at one point. Extra strength aspirin did 'help' but did not make them go away completely. Of course I think it's related to stress, or I'm a candidate for an aneurysm, or I have a brain tumor, or something. My wife says I need to get this checked out, but she needs a lot checked out herself so when I don't go to the doctor and she gets upset with me, I turn it right back around on her and she usually gets quiet. Not an appropriate or loving way to win an argument, but effective.

I hadn't been drinking, alcohol that is, and I've been drinking plenty of water and caffeine, so I don't know why. Last night I had a real hard time sleeping too. I must have stared at the clock until after 1am before I fell asleep, and I could have slept in more today if not for work. I don't want to go to work today either. I just had almost two weeks off for the holidays to 'recharge' my batteries, but all I can think about is sitting hoem and playing a video game or watching tv or going to the gym or going for a nice long drive, not sitting in a cubicle answering assinine questions that seem to irritate me for whatever reason.

2008 already starting in question (Part I)

Hello everyone. I hope that everyone that stops by here has enjoyed their holiday season. Overall, I think I did, though I will admit along with many 'highs', there were a few 'lows' as well...mostly when I was alone with my thoughts.

There is plenty I can sit back and thank God for and be appreciative of, but there was also a few moments were I felt very convicted....not only of myself, but the world itself and some of the sad things I heard about made me want to cry.

My wife and I have been getting along pretty well, and I will say she did go a bit overboard on me in gifts this year....probably the most she has ever done in the four years we've been married. Usually, I'm the one that goes overboard, but she outdid me this year. I have mixed feeling about that. On the one hand, I guess you coudl say I was impressed and 'touched', however, I can't help but have a tiny sliver inside my mind say she's making up for something I don't know about yet, or trying to 'buy' me off. That's a horrible thing to think, and probably not the case....but her generosity towards me for Christmas is sorta out of character.

I believe she was happy with all the things she received as well. I continue to pray that she will stop smoking...a huge source of conflict between us...and devote 'some' time to church with me, another subject I pray about continously. As I mentioned before, she does indeed believe in Christ, but makes no time for Him or goes to church with me. I guess it's 'my' issue that she can't spend 1.5 hours a week in church with me, but has plenty of time to go bowling or goofing around with the neighbors for hours on end every week. Maybe if I approached her to commit 1 Sunday a month with me (that'd be 12 times a year), maybe the Holy Spirit will minister to her where she'll be moved to try other functions as well. I guess I've been overly sensative about it the last few weeks, because the topic of dating and/or marrying someone whome we are 'equally yoked' with has come up in my support group a lot lately, and it just seems to be hammering me inside everytime I hear it.

Speaking of support groups...mine has been very beneficial to me lately. I can't tell you how much they have lifted me up inside and give me hope when I often feel so crappy. There have been a few times lately in which I've been contemplating going back on Lexapro. I wish I could explain to you or even understand for myself on how my emotional state flucuates so much and so often as of late. A typical day can have me more or less neutral or happy, and then I get an overwhleming sense of grief or despair in which I can plummet and begin to sob inside at any time. It happened even yesterday....I was having lunch by myself, and the next thing I know, I need a tissue to wipe my eyes. Thoughts of death enter my head and I begin to calculate peoples expiration dates including my parents and friends. I even told my wife over vacation that I hope I die before she does because I don't want to be alone later in life. I fear my step-daughter won't ever visit me and that since we don't have any kids of our own, or I have no brothers or sisters, no one will care or check up on me. I often see myself dead and alone, only to have the neighbors call the police after the smell gets unbearable from my house.

How messed up is that? Why do I think that way? Why does my mind drift into this territory? It can't be normal. And that's the next thought....am I normal? Abnormal? Why can't I be joyous in Christ all the time? Why can't I stop worrying about things I have no control over? So the Lexapro numbs my thoughts. I had a slight panic attack once a few days ago. Before I knew it my chest was getting tight and it became hard to breathe. It lasted about 5 minutes which doesn't seem that long, but when it happens it seems like it's not going to end. I wasn't close to my Clonapen, so I had to just ride it out. The thing was, my wife and step-daughetr was with me, and I tried to hide it. I silently rode it out all the time wishing I could just lay down right then and there in public, and rip my shirt off as it felt so constricting.

Geez, now that I am writing this, I think I need to make an appointment with my general practioner for a checkup anyway. It been almost two years, maybe even more since my last physical.

Best Wishes all

“He will wipe away every tear from our eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away” (Revelation 21:4)

Here's to hoping you enjoy your Christmas time togther with your family, and that 2008 may be a blessing.

I know I have learned a lot this past year. I have grown in His word, but still have such a long way to go. I look back and contemplate things that I thought were important to me, really aren't that big after all in the grand scheme of things. I strive to remember that when times are tough, and news is horrid, that I must continue to release control into His hands and place my faith in Him and not those in the world.

I look forward to the day that there will 'no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain.'

God Bless and hope to see you all back in 2008.

Humbled by Angel Boy Art

If anyone on occasion happens to watch ABC's 'Extreme Home Makeover', you will take note on various tragic stories affecting families, and sooner or later a particular episode (or two) will bring tears to your eyes.

Such was the case of the story of Louis Vitale Jr. of Vermont. When born, he was not expected to live due to a debilitating birth defect. Louis Jr. has since survived the first few critical days of life, and currently at age 2 now lives with his mother, father, and brother (who is 5).

Louis Jr. is considered a 'special needs' child and is fed through a stoma in his stomach, and needs help breathing from a stoma in his trachea. He is wheel chair bound and has limited mobility, slightly disfigured, and may never talk.

Within the first 2-3 minutes of the show, I and my wife were heartbroken. Here I sit in my home worrying about the day to day minutiae that may or may not come to pass, and here this little boy is born into a loving family who parents have the courage of reinforced steel, and he suffers daily.

As therapy, his parents started Angel Boy Art where special needs children like Louis Vitale Jr. can express themselves through art, because of all the other difficulties they suffer. It truly is an amazing story and I encourage you to visit their gallery here, and maybe pick up a print or learn more about Louis Jr., his family and the whole Angel Boy Art project.

However I couldn't help think back to the old non-beleiver argument of "If there is a God of love, why do innocents suffer?" I admit, I think of this as well. Everytime I turn on the news and I see a child or animal born into heinous circumstances and wonder to myself: "Why would God allow this?" These thoughts are then followed up my my own self-guilt and shame for complaining about things that compared to Louis Jr. are trivial. Then in my head I often make bold assumptions: "Well, this should be a one-way ticket to heaven if there ever was one", or "I hope Jesus takes care of them for all the crap they didn't ask for down here in this cesspool".

I have mixed emotions as well: anger, sadness, frustration, empathy, guilt, compassion and much more, but they are so jumbled up inside.

I watched this show for its 1 hour (minus commercials) and I was a wreck as a deplorable human being. And then I thought this poor boy is like this 24 hours a day, for over two years, and who knows how many more years to come?

Louis Vitale Sr., the father then put me in my place as only I hope I can achieve one day in my spiritual thinking: "I learn from my son everyday. There is a reason for this. The reason being that Louis Jr. is a teacher, and he teaches everyone who comes into contact with him on how to be a better person.".......

.......

Ug, like a hammer to the chest, I sit humbled though still confused and distraught why a God of Love allows for this to happen. Louis Jr., does indeed teach people every day. He teaches them compassion, like an animal, he teaches unconditional love despite his short comings and obstacles. Somewhere inside each of us, the Holy Spirit makes himself known as we despretely groan inside for the boys comfort and ease of pain. We thank God that we are healthy, and we want to pray for others sufferings and salvation. Perhaps Louis Jr., will inadvertantly bring some who are on the fence closer to God. Maybe he will remind us how feable we all are. I can go on and on here, but I think you get the gist. At least I think I got the gist, though I wonder if there are other ways God could go about it.

But then I think back to original sin. God did not want any of his children or creations to suffer, and someday, again, He will wipe away all tears and we will be filled with unyielding joyfulness. It was mans arrogance that brought us into our sinful nature, and despite all the evil and 'bad' things that happen, Christ gives us a choice. We have fallen, but He wants to help all of us back up...not to be our crutch in the world...but to look forward to the day when all this earthly pain and suffering is finally over. It is up to each and every one of us to make that decision within our own hearts.

Jesus, Thank You so much for Louis Jr....he reminded me once again that my stuff is of a selfish nature. Louis Jr. has brought me once again before you to pray for children everywhere, and those of my friends and family and non-believers. He reminds me of unconditional love, and how great parents and communities can indeed be when they look past the problems right in their face, and base everything they do on faith!

You can't please everybody.

The Bible tells us that this ignorance is "willful" (Psalm 10:4). It's not that a person can't find God, but that he won't. It has been rightly said that the "atheist" can't find God for the same reason a thief can't find a policeman. He knows that if he admits that there is a God, he is admitting that he is ultimately responsible to Him. (- Ray Comfort)

Some time back I posted on my blog here I came across a site in regards to famous people who claim to be atheists. As I suggested then, and I stand by that now, I feel somewhat saddened for them all and bummed to find out some of the people I looked up to in life are non-believers.

The best I can do for those that are still alive today is to pray for them, because I believe all things are possible in His time and His will. The softening of hearts can indeed happen, and there are plenty of examples in the bible in which stated atheists found God later in life.

As Ray Comfort points out, ignorance is "willful", though this may sound a bit harsh. I can tell atheists that I too have been known to struggle. My faith has been questionable at times, and even though I do believe today, I'd be lying if I said the thought never occurred to me: "If there is a God, then why did X happen to me, or to Y, or how could He allow this to take place?"

Hey, I wish I had the answers. Not only for atheists, but for me as well. It'd sure make my life a lot simpler, or I suppose all of our lives simpler if we never had a reason to question God's existance or sovereignty over us all.

I received some comments from a person lately in regards to that post that simply said: "U Suck." Well, on some days I surely do. There are days I am deplorable and wonder why Christ would die for me, let alone anyone else, and ask nothing in return other than my love, and sharing that love with others. There are days I look in the mirror and cannot even love myself, and I've shared my anger and bitterness in regards to people around me and how 'unfair' life is.

So someone telling me that "I suck" multiple times, because I am concerned with the salvation of some very talented and influential people, in the grand scheme of things, does little to me. Oh, yes, if you're reading this, you did indeed cause me some ire; I am writing about it now aren't I? However, in the end all that be all, believe me, you have to do a lot better in your argumentative skills other than "U suck" to even begin to shake me. You can't shake someone who has already been at their lowest, 'cause I've already been there and knows how miserable life can be without God. And I'm not saying my life today is a bed of roses...not by a long shot. I'm still a new person in Christ, and admittedly I am not mature enough to debate anyone for that matter. How arrogant would I be if I claimed I could?

The one thing that you did indeed accomplish, is that you know have me praying for you along with praying for myself. And while I may continue to suck for quite some time in your eyes for caring for others eternal peace, perhaps one day we will meet, God willing, in the afterlife and we can share a hug and look back at this on how we first met and you came to know the Lord. Perhaps you will make my own faith grow stronger as well.

100th post - A long road to get here.

"But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the Lord hath wrought this?" (Job 12:7-9)

Didn't really dawn on me until a few posts ago that I was coming up my 100th post. And I can't say that I had given much thought on what I was going to say.

A lot has transpired in almost two years. I lost a loved one, I had a surgery, I lost my job, my marriage was rocky, I drank, I was under a lot of stress, I was diagnosed bi-polar and depressed and thus medicated for both, and my walk with the Lord was questionable at best.

There was a period of time I cried daily, if not hourly. I wanted to run away, to disappear into the night and start over elsewhere leaving everyone behind. I had thoughts of suicide, but alas to chicken to carry any of those thoughts out. I realized a lot of my pride got in my way of a number of things and in short I was not a happy person to be around. I didn't even want to be me.

I think of the young man, Robert Hawkins, who just yesterday took the life of 7 people at a mall in Nebraska, and then turned the gun on himself and ended his own existence bringing the count of to 8. I am saddened for him, and the victims, and the affected families as well. Strangely, I am not filled with anger towards his selfish and perhaps cowardly act, because, dare I say I too know the pain of depression and the feelings of hopelessness and emptiness.

And then there was God. Correction; then there IS God.

Oh, I always knew there was a God. That's never really been a doubt of my life that He exists, it just seemed like He wasn't existing in my life. I realize now that it was me who wasn't allowing Him in. My words and actions and the condition of my heart were blinded to Him.

I know I said this before, and some of you may think I am strange, but I believe in my own heart that God exposed His true love for me through my dog. When I sat broken and listless, when I thought my wife could have been more supportive and I was sick of everyone else's cliches, it was my dogs limitless devotion and love to me, his owner, that began to break down my walls.

It wouldn't be too much longer before I felt a calling to go back to church. To try and let go of my pride (easier said than done...even today) and learn to submit to His will and His control.

It was a long road, and I'll never say I am 100% cured now (maybe someday), for I occasionally have relapses when my emotions seem to get the better of me (usually when the enemy is there to try and knock me back on my ass), and sometimes they do.

The attacks are stronger sometimes than others, and I can't say that I don't feel doubt here and there about everything.

But having God back in my life has allowed me to turn the corner. Oh, it's an uphill battle, but today I am standing up taking it one step at a time, rather than sitting staring at an empty bottle or contempt for humanity.

I wonder about Robert Hawkins. Did he finally find peace that has plagued his mental state for however long? Could I have ever reached that level if pushed hard enough? Were the other victims saved and do they find themselves in heaven today, or did they reject Christ once given the chance before and decided that religion could come at a later time? I don't know and I don't think any of us ever will.

So today, I was taking a break outside and saw a feral cat. Not 'feral' in the sense it was foaming at the mouth and diseased, but a cat that lives in the field by my work, who probably dines on the occasional field mouse or bird. It was skinny and laying in the bushes, trying to keep warm, and it dawned on me that this is that cat's existence, day in and day out, until one day it is either hunted by a larger predator, gets hit by a car, or dies of natural causes.

And as I studied this cat, laying still and breathing steadily, I felt as if there was a certain 'peace' amongst the whole scene, as if the Holy Spirit was there showing me something. That 'something' was God's creation and that I could admire it, and the cat was okay with my presence there watching it. All other sounds and cares of mine momentarily disappeared, and it was just me and the cat, God's example to me that all things are taken care of, even me, if I allow Him to.

As I sat there longer, my thoughts drifted towards my dog, and all the trust and joy he gives me, and am I no different when Jesus looks at me? Am I to be calm, and peaceful, and give Christ the trust and joy that animals give me? I should, though I don't always remember to. Someday perhaps I will no longer need my medication...I can only hope and pray.

The animals taught me something today. Actually God taught me something today through the animals. There I was and still am humbled that I too am like a feral cat....living one day at a time, wanting to place my trust in God to take care of me, that He is in control and I am not. The peace that was shown to me today is something I really can't define, it goes beyond just a mere definition...it was a 'feeling', that one day I hope to experience in eternity.

Turning to a brother for help

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." (Romans 8: 26 - 27)

I humbled over the weekend. Not by any particular act per-se, but by studying Romans, chapter 8. Actually chapters 6 - 8 really spoke to me and put some things in perspective. I just hope I can retain this knowledge and recall these words the next time I have ill thoughts in regards to the state of my relationship with people, but my more importantly my wife.

So my last post....I never finished. Not sure that I will now, since a week has passed. In summation, my wife hurt my feelings and because I internalize and have a hard time putting my thoughts and emotions in order, I broke down and wept. My wife saw my despair but fails to recognize my side, or what I consider the 'root' of our problem. I take it all upon myself, as usual, and forget to turn it over to Christ. And if I do turn it over to Christ, I am guilty of taking it back almost immediately thereafter.

The Enemy taunts me with my failures and strikes where he knows it hurts worse....my emotions where I always question not only the strength of my faith, but quick to recognize the faults of others. And when that happens, sin wells up in my heart. I think corrupt thoughts, self-doubt, anger, selfishly and I act out.....My eyes drift elsewhere seeking momentary happiness in carnal ways not pleasing to the Lord, or to my spirit in the long-run. The pain hurts so much at times, I look for a quick fix....in the world. My prayers turn to mush to the point where I don't know what to do anymore and want to give up.

I turned to a brother in the church and explained whats going on. We spoke for nearly 45 minutes. He understood. He even went as far as to say he and his own wife had been praying for me as they 'felt' something was amiss in my life.

The ability to vent and unload on someone who does not judge, but just listens was good for me. Just by speaking my thoughts, I was able to determine some actions that needed to be taken.

I decided to take my wife out on a long over-due date. It was nice. We had dinner and a movie. I prayed in my head numerous times, and with the thought of others praying for me as well, helped strengthen my own will within.

My wife and I have done 'okay' this week. We spent the day shopping together. Spent Friday night in and watched TV together. We walked the dog together. I was 'okay' with the fact she wanted to go and play cards with some girlfriends and so I was prepared she's be home late, and I was 'okay' with that too. She then took me to dinner on Sunday, and it was nice.

This morning I even had an intimate dream about her, something I hadn't had in ages.

Thank you's

I want to thank those that leave comments or send me letters through my hotmail account.

Many of you stay anonymous, and while I can understand the reasoning behind it, I wish I could put a name to you all personally.

Like the last person who left a comment about Christian Love Stories....about a woman who has medical issues, and her husband, and the love they share through Christ. Thank you...I added the link to the right as well. It touches me, and it saddens me at the same time. While I do not envy her situation and am very sorry for her physical pain and hardships, I do envy the love she shares with her mate. Something I have been praying about for years and have yet to achieve.

Other than my sweet dog, and the occasional communion with Christ through prayer, it can be very hard at times to feel so alone in this world. I wish it were easier. I also wish I could say that all your comments gave me a boost of confidence to wake up everyday and thank Jesus for a beautiful day and keep me going to be a representative of Him.

But I'd also be lying to myself and to you.

I recently told by someone who doesn't really know me all that well, that he and his wife had been praying for me. He says he sees me at church, alone, and told me lovingly yet bluntly "You look like you have had all your confidence drained from you, and we pray that it is restored." Well, believe me when I say I didn't know how to respond. A meek 'Thank you" you came from my lips to know that someone is praying for me, but the flip side is 'Am I really that obvious? Do I really look like I can throw in the towel?'

The sad truth is, the answer is 'yes'. I have often thought about running away from my current life. My marriage. My career. My family. Does that make me a coward? I suppose to some people it does. I have often thought/wished I had never been born. To say life is a gift to cherish...yes, at times it is. At other times, I cannot help but argue in my own head that if I had never been born to begin with, I wouldn't really know the difference to treasure life or not. So non-existence would have protected me from feeling so alone.

I have no idea on where I am going with this right now other than a brain dump right now, so instead of rambling in a circle as I can often tend to do, I will stop.

This past week (Part I)

It seems in the last few years, the closer we get to the holiday season, the more I feel depressed. I say depressed in the way that I am not experiencing the love and joy our culture has associated with the coming of the season.

Where some look forward to singing Christmas carols, drinking warm egg-nog on a cold night, looking at the pretty lights and spending time with family and all the delicious smells wafting from the oven, I can't help feel like I get short-changed.

Last week, my church had an annual holiday breakfast. I was really looking forward to going, and even volunteered to come in early and help set-up. I extended an invitation to my wife more than once over the course of a few weeks leading up to the event, and she led me to believe that she would be attending. Why wouldn't she? She was quite able to spend time with the neighbors the last few days having wine and socializing for hours on end. Could a two hour breakfast a mile from our house be asking too much?

Sadly, the answer is a resounding 'Yes'.

I had gotten up early that morning and rushed down there to help set up tables and chairs, and quietly sat in anticipation for my wife to show up at 9am as I had reminded her a few times before.

9am....9:15.....9:30...9:45...

One of the congregation came up to me, "Hey, where's your wife? I guess the bed was all too warm this morning." He meant it as a joke, in good spirit....but he was all too dead spot on and it took as much energy as I could muster to put on a fake smile and not break down. It's a good thing I had my sunglasses with me, as I could feel my eyes begin to well up with tears and my pride did not want to let on how crushed I was.

At 10:00 am I had given up. I could no longer enjoy myself, and who was I kidding? I could not sit any longer and 'pretend' I was having a good time.

I left silently, and walked home.

Once home I walked inside to see my wife at her computer, sitting in her robe, drinking coffee.

I was at a loss for words. If I open my mouth, my emotions would come pouring out. I'd say something hurtful and mean. For what? To 'get even'? No, I just thought to myself....this is par for the course, I am so foolish for getting my expectations up. I should have known better. My face and my body language must have given me away.

She looked up at me from her PC, "What's wrong?"

Astonishing. In those quick few seconds, so many responses had filled my head, but none of them would be ending good. I decided to fight down my primal urges inside, my rage/anger/hurt/frustration/sadness/loneliness.

"Nothing.", I said.

I slipped back into the garage and tried to make myself look busy for a bit. Better to give myself something to do, keep my mind and body occupied....calm down.

As I began to pull out the Christmas lights from the garage shelves, I felt as if once again...Christmas is here, and I'll be going through the motions.

To be continued.....

Recent Poll

I came across an interesting poll on CNN.com today:

Do you approach family holiday gatherings with (42826 votes so far) :

Dread 41% 17619 votes
Joyful anticipation 59% 25207 votes

That's actually quite sad. And I admit, I answered 'dread' myself.

The ideals of intimate family gatherings, relaxation, getting to know ones neighbors, and a reason to celebrate and exchange gifts has lost much of its meaning to many people, including myself.

When I was younger, there was always a magical feeling in the air when Thanksgiving and Christmas were upon us. As a child, I recall looking forward to grandparents visits, eating rich food, holiday TV specials, the smell of a pine tree, twinkling lights, eggnog, fresh cookies, and of course toys.

To me it meant time off from school, Twilight Zone marathons, chocolate candies, and fireplaces.

Sadly today I recognize now more than ever spirituality is at an all time lull. I crave getting to know Christ more and more, to recognize that this day symbolizes 'hope' for a doomed world, to be 'thankful' of what we do have and to cast our worries and troubles aside, at least for the duration of a good meal.

But now it seems I am spending time with people and relatives and neighbors who do not share by spiritual beliefs. It's more about the iPod, or the PlayStation than it is about family. And I fall right into this trap as well.

I was at the mall yesterday alone to begin my Christmas shopping, and I realize I am buying gifts for people, expensive ones at that, because somewhere over the years I feel obligated to just by the sheer nature it is Christmas, and that's what you do. Some of these people haven't seen the inside of a church in years, let alone opened a bible, or prayed. But that's not really for me to judge and hold against them. Our whole society has become perverse in thine manner.

As an example, I purchased my aunt a gift certificate for $50 at a clothing store. To me, a few thoughts crossed my mind during the whole ordeal: 1) Certificates are so impersonal, but I truly am drawing a blank on what to get people anymore. 2) Was $50 enough for my aunt? To some it may be, but to me, I think I'll end up spending more on her to assuade my own guilt for not looking cheap if you can believe that. 3) She's agnostic to boot.

I had that same thought with many people this year, even my wife. She gave me a list of what she desires....leaving no room for me to get her something of my own thinking lest she be disappointed....which of course takes out all the meaning and pleasure out of gift giving to me.

On the reverse side of the coin, she asked me what I would like for Christmas, and I honestly do not know. I really haven't given it too much thought, in which she replied "Great, looks like it is going to be another gift certificate year." This saddened me a bit, because I thought after 4 year of marriage and 2 years of dating, she'd be more creative when it comes to me.

I think of parties we are obligated to attend in which I don't want to participate for one reason or another, whether it be traffic, or listening to the same tired stories I always hear, or fussing about meals on if they are being served on time or not, and if the kids are behaving, and all the other stress.

Speaking of stress, just getting to the malls and navigating on my free days seems to tire me out already just thinking of it, then to come home, hide presents, wrap presents, identify presents, etc. It just doesn't sound very relaxing at all anymore.

And perhaps I am being overly cynical these days. I watch the news and just seem to get so depressed on all the horrible events: fires, earthquakes, cyclones, disease, war, shootings. How am I to be thankful? How can I celebrate with all this minutiae happening all over?

I lay in bed last night and decided to share some of my thought with my wife in the dark. I told her I fear for peoples salvation, more so today than ever before. I told her my emotions as of late have been all over the map sans the drugs. I felt as if I was opening up to her looking, grasping for some empathy and support. Instead she told me maybe I need to see a therapist again.

Not what I wanted to hear.

It was at this moment, she said she couldn't help me. That I see the world too black & white. That I forgot to have fun and that I am way to serious.

I sat and tried to digest this for a minute or so. Is it possible I am slipping back down the hole again? Do I need to start taking medication again before I start sliding down fast? While I was thinking these thoughts, my wife rolled over away from me and fell asleep.

Here I am again, feeling alone in the world, intensified by the false veil of 'holiday cheer'.

A bit angry and frustrated today

Sometimes I just feel so exasperated.

Marriage is much harder than it first appears on paper or in one's head, especially when either spouse occassionaly tends to put their feelings and free spirit first with disregard to how the other may feel or react.

What is really burdensome to me is that it happens so randomly, I never know what to expect, other than the fact it will indeed happen again if history is any teacher.

So I write this entry today with a few caveats in place: 1) I'm still a little worked up and probably have some residual resentment, anger, and hurt feelings that may come out in this. 2) I had very little sleep last night partly in regards to this. 3) I feel the need to vent, but I don't have anyone to turn to early in the morning. 4) My prayers in regards to the state of my marriage seemingly don't get answered right now and I'm a little lost on what to do/say/act next. 5) Things lately have seemed to good to be true, so I guess I was just fooling myself, ignorant to the fact that my wife is capable of a stupid stunt...again.

Apparently one of her co-workers was leaving the company and so she left a message that she'd be going out for a "couple of beers, and I'll be home soon." That message was left on our answering machine roughly at 5:45pm. Okay, I'm actually fine with that. She let me know where she was going and why, and who am I to deny her the right to say goodbye to someone she worked with and a friend over the years.

But I guess I should have realized that the other people also taking part are the same immature, drunks and chain smokers that always seem to spell trouble. Last night was no different.

So at 8pm, my wife is still not home, and calls again to leave a message (maybe I was in the shower or something) stating "If you want, I'll bring you home dinner. I'll be leaving in the next 5-10 minutes."

I didn't call her back for two reasons: 1) It's already 8pm and I assumed I was on my own for dinner, so I ate a sandwhich on my own. 2) She said she's be leaving in no more than 10 minutes, and the restaurant she was at is only 15 minutes away, so I should expect her no later than 8:30pm.

I went to bed at 10:45pm. Wife was still not home. I really didn't want to call her and 'check up on her.'

Finally at 11:45 pm she walks in the house. She makes a lot of noise, comes into the bedroom, chooses not to say one word to me, and climbs into bed.

I'm pretty worked up now and I can't sleep. The thoughts that go through my head are random, but generally are of this nature: "You are rude and inconsiderate. Grow up. How does 10 minutes equate to 3.5 hours? Why aren't you saying anything? You think this is acceptable? Please, do not talk to me. Lord, why? Why did I choose this person to marry who only cares about her own fun?"

It doesn't stop there.

At 12:30 am the phone rings. It is one of her really drunk girlfriends calling. She is so loud, I know instantly who it is, and I cannot help but think to myself "Figures, XXXXX is involved. Of course my wife stayed out late, and didn't call, she's hanging out with the very immature people yet again."

I got up and slept on the couch all night. Starting an argument at 12:30am was not on my list of things to do right then and there. My wife did not say one word to me. I did not say one word to her. I got up early, and tired, and left for work.

I'm praying about this, but I am so angry right now. These are the moments I wish I was not married and I kick myself in the rear. It's seems senseless to argue to her about this, because her M.O. is to be hyper-defensive, that I am over-reacting, that she won't do it again.....but the fact of the matter is she will.

Lord, what will you have me do? Why do I feel like I am the only one in this marriage? That I am the only person that think about 'us', when I believe my wife only thinks of 'herself'?

Lord, please give me the wisdom to act accordingly and lovingly, but please understand why I am angry and help quell those feelings.

Memories of Bottlecaps

Sometimes the most simplest of all things and their associated memories can bring a smile to my face and a certain 'giddiness' to myself.

Today, in a higher than normal hectic day, one of co-workers had out a bowl of left over Halloween candy. Inside, I spied a package of Wonka Bottlecaps. The packaging has changed quite a bit over the last 25 years from the very first ones I can remember opening, but the taste is unforgettable.

As is the memories that filled my mind of being a child and not be cogniscent of the cruel and wicked and often dissapointing world that surrounds me.

It was a little surreal. I popped the first cap in my mouth...Rootbeer.....and before I knew it, it was a summer afternoon in Michigan and I was with my parents and my favorite uncle sitting outside an old A&W drive-in stand. My uncle used to take me here for a rootbeer float when he was alive and I was young. We were on vacation, and we had been vsiting relatives that still live in the smae hometown my parents were from.

I has a special bond with my uncle. He was like a grandfather to me. He always made time for me, and I have so many special memories of him. I was devestated when he passed almost two years ago. Probably more so than I would be when my own grandfather passes.

Anyway, I remember him introducing me to Bottlecaps, and to this day, it is one of my favorite novelty candies.

Orange....like a 50/50 bar, and here I sit again in the backyard of yet another relatives yard. There's a picnic bench outside that I sit on and watch my older family tell stories of their youth in which I cannot relate, but it's okay. I have my Bottlecaps and I listen to their laughter and I watch the clouds drift by and feel the warmth of the sun on my arms and legs.

Grape. My cousins and I will be lighting fireworks soon. We swam all day out at the cottage and ate hotdogs and canned beans, and fished for Sunfish.

Cola...another flavor just as delicate. Why are all my memories now of when I was eight or nine years old? The images and feelings are intense and are surprising that they have surfaced. But with every cap I throw in my mouth, the taste takes me back. Back before I knew what mortage was, taxes, before a career, before alcohol and girlfriends and death and war. Before I knew about depression and God and corrupt world ideologies and pain and hurt. Before I allowed anger and despair to take foot in my mind and heart.

5 Bottlecaps. That's all there was in this pack. 5. It took me all of a few minutes to eat them all, but the memories that brought back with them is something I treasure and long for again.