I Dream of True Love

Every once in a while I experience a dream so full of life and warmth I never wish it to end.

For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.

They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.

I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.

There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.

All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.

Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.

She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.

As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.

As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."

That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.

It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.

Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.

When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.

I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.

And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.

Suicide on the rise in the U.S.

I found this article on CNN.com and wanted to share it:

After a decade-long decrease, U.S. suicide rates have started to rise, largely because of an increase in suicides among middle-aged white men and women.

If the economy continues to decline, suicides could go up, researchers say.

White people age 40 to 64 have "recently emerged as a new high-risk group for suicide," according to the study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

Suicides increased between 1999 and 2005 by about 3 percent annually in white men and 4 percent in white women age 40 to 64, according to Susan Baker, M.P.H., of the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore, Maryland, and her colleagues. Suicide rates remained the same in Asians and Native Americans, and declined in blacks.

Overall, the suicide rate rose in the early 1980s, then dropped each year from 1986 to 1999. From 1999 to 2005, however, the rates have increased 0.7 percent annually.
In all, 32,637 people killed themselves in the United States in 2005, a rate of 11 per 100,000 people.

The reason for the increase is unknown. But if economic conditions continue to decline, suicides could go up. "This is a concern, especially when one looks at the high rates during the Great Depression," says Baker. Health.com: How exercise can improve your mood
Seetal Dodd, Ph.D., a senior fellow at the University of Melbourne in Australia, has found that suicide rates tend to fluctuate with the economic trends -- at least in men.

The study is cause for concern, Dodd says, because it identifies middle-aged white men as the new high-risk group for suicide -- the same section of the population at risk for suicide during an economic downturn.

"There is a considerable risk that the current economic situation may result in a further spike in the suicide rate for men of working age, especially if we start to see an increase in unemployment and a decrease in housing affordability and consumer sentiment," Dodd says.

Robert Bossarte, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Rochester in New York, says that people have traditionally focused on suicide prevention in the very young and the old, but not necessarily the middle-aged. Historically, people over 65 have had the highest suicide rates, but this study suggests that trend is changing.

Upcoming 40th

We received an envelope on our doorstep when I got home last night.

I was quite surprised when I opened it up to learn that we were invited to a 40th birthday party for one of our other neighbors. Even more so that is 2 months from now?!?

I'm not exactly sure if it's a misprint so I'll have to call. I don't think I've ever been invited to a party for someone I've only had a few brief conversations with let alone two months in advance. In a way I'm touched. I take a little bit of comfort in knowing that one of the neighbors think well enough of my wife and I to ask us to attend a birthday party.

My wife doesn't know about it yet since she is away on business and I haven't spoken to her yet since I found it. It would be nice if she goes, but even if for some reason she doesn't I will be there. For the longest time I thought our neighborhood needs a certain type of 'healing' or 'support' for each other in lieu of recent events and past indiscretions and cliques that appear to have formed. Despite the fact my wife may not get along with everyone...actually...in all honesty, there have been a few that have shunned my wife for who knows what (at least nothing that I am personally aware of), I'd like to think that my neighbors like me. I may be the second youngest man on the street, but I think I have a certain repoir with everyone and have never ruffled any feathers. I'm smart enough to know what to get involved in...and what not to.

Anyway, it would be somewhat disrespectful if we did not go, and may close down the avenue of any future socialization between our house hold and others. I'm not going inorder to 'score' points, but rather to show my appreciation that they though of us and thank them.

I really don't know much about him, so getting a gift is going to be an exercise in brain power. What do you get someone you really don't know that hopefully won't offend their character?

Hopefully my wife will agree to attend as well....but I plan on going no matter what.

Exhausted

I'm not exactly sure why, but I just don't seem to have much energy lately. The last few days I catch myself constantly yawning, daydreaming, and feeling very lethargic. The idea of actually getting up in the morning and going to work, or basic chores around the house just seems like a monumental undertaking.

While I went to bible study on Saturday morning, I failed to go to church again on Sunday...I just wasn't in the mood to get up....which sounds like an excuse and a cop-out, and it is. That's been on my mind the last few days and I have a twinge of guilt about it as well.

It may be a combination of a few things: warm weather, chores at the house that seemingly never end, my wife is out of town for the next seven days on business, and a very stagnant career.

The weather has been a bit on hot side as of late which can drain your energy, but add to the fact I work in some non-air conditioned rooms or walk quite a bit over black asphalt everyday with no shade, I end up feeling sweaty, dirty, and drained. Lately my soles of my feet and my calves have been very sore where the thought of walking anymore any particular day makes me place my head down on my desk.

With my wife out of town for 8 days straight and myself gone for 9.5 hours a day at work, the thought of coming home to do laundry, walk the dog (plus feeding and picking up after him), getting the mail, cooking dinner, cleanup, vacuum, mop, dust, trash, etc. also seems daunting.

Finally my work. The last two weeks it has been a real struggle to get motivated. It's not a 'bad' job, Lord knows there are plenty worse ones out there. I'm very thankful for what I have. I'm lucky to realize I even have a job in this current economy as well. But all that aside, it's been very thankless as of late. It has been stagnant and riddled with hardware issues that no one wants to spend money on to fix. So I just seem to keep patching and fixing the same things over and over again. It seems as I fix one thing, something else then breaks. Rinse and repeat...ad-naseum.

I look back at this summer and with the holidays approaching once again, and I realize that yet another year is almost gone where we have not taking any sort of vacation. We either have no money, or no time. Or is it because we are not willing to make the time? It just seems we always have some sort of other obligation we aren't in control of, and when we do get a break, it's perhaps one day...and we're so tired...we just want to stay home anyway.

I can't speak for my wife, but once again, I just feel burnt out. The 9.5 hour day just seems like it drags on and on, and my normal work week seems like it takes forever for Friday to roll around.

I slept okay last night, but had no real strength (mental or physical) to want to get up today. I could have stayed in bed another hour or so, but the fact that I do have a job and responsibility did make me get up. Even my infusion of a medium cup of Starbucks isn't getting me peppy enough to last the whole day.

As I was walking into work this morning, I was thinking about happiness again. On how I wish I could do certain things all over again, perhaps even my career. I don't know how to explain how I feel about my job. I do indeed like it, but perhaps more so on my terms. If I could be left to my own devices, and my own budget, I think I'd enjoy my job much more. But the fact that I have to answer to people who don't understand my niche hardware, or hold the purse strings on ever getting new equipment makes it seems like I always show up to work with one arm tied behind my back and someone else erecting hurdles in my path. Despite the earlier 'promises' that I was hired to take the ball and run with it, clearly no one has given me the ball yet. I'm still waiting for it to be passed down to me, and I doubt it's going to happen anytime soon.

So I was contemplating, yet again, on why I do what I do. Why aren't I working with animals. Why am I still here? Sure, my bills and financial responsibilities (especially those of my wife) won't go away anytime soon, so I do what I have to do, to ensure we make it. But as every day marches on, I realize I'm not really happy, and I don't think I have been for quite some time now. Could I be happy with something easier and pays less? I don't know. I don't want something easy in the sense of non-challenging....I need a challenge. I'm just tired of corporate America...and I just keep thinking about dogs and pets instead...and working at a pet store or something.

My thoughts are really disjointed today. I'm quickly scanning back over the last few paragraphs and I realize I'm spending a lot of time writing, but not really capturing my feelings as I intended to share with you so I think I'll end here for now.

Dreams

It started Monday night, and now it's been three days in a row now that I've had 'bad' dreams. Not exactly nightmares, or anything demonic or evil, but bad dreams none the less.

Monday night I had a dream in regards to my old job again...the one I lost two years back. I felt very uncomfortable running into old co-workers and I found myself walking the halls of my old company again. I'm not exactly sure why I was there, or what my circumstances were, but I do know in the back of my mind I was concerned about finances.

Tuesday I dreamt my wife and I were arguing, and that she threatened divorce. I have no idea again the circumstances that led up to this. When I woke up that morning my emotions were both of sadness and of anger. Perhaps I've been thinking about my neighbors too much and how their circumstances sometimes overlap with mine.

Last night. once again it was work related, and I found myself in an innocent pickle and my delays were causing the grief of others that were just trying to get their own job done as well. I was clearly out of my comfort zone and familiar territory.

The result of these has left me a little weary in the morning, and a bit sore. I've been waking up to find myself not energized and my legs and lower back full of aches.

My wife has been haveing a rough time at her own work this past week as well. She's been getting up early to go to work, working long hours, and then coming home and working on her laptop for additional hours. Last night as I watched TV, she was on her laptop until 11pm! She's on salary (for 40 hours), but easily has worked about 60 hours a week the past two, and has to go out of town next week on a business trip for 6 days (Vegas, no less). She's been getting no support at work...she told me her boss and her co-worker have been working very minimal hours at best...and then keep questioning her on the status of everything. There may be some organizational changes in the future she fears as well, which may place her under a different manager, and now she fears that she'll be stuck in her position for another five or more years.

Unfortunately with the economy the way it it, and her limited skill set, she can't really afford to quit and look for a new job. We aren't broke, nor are we close to losing our home, but we really can't afford any luxuries right now...and we don't even have a child living with us. It could be worse, but we're a long way from better too. I've been watching the candidates and this whole financial crisis thing pretty closely. We've definetly tightened our belts and made some personal sacrifices that come close to the time when I did lose my job. It can be very frustrating and mentally taxing to us and our marriage.

Reconciliations

Well, at least I have a glimmer of some good news as of late.

It appears that my neighbors recent seperation and possible divorce looks to be put on hold. I noticed his car in the driveway earlier last week and it was there the next morning.

Of course speculation was running wild throughout the block, but it was all hush-hush. I had a feeling early on that this may be possible despite what others were constantly saying.

Finally after a few days, the female neighbor sent my wife an e-mail saying they needed to talk. Of course, with much trepidation, humbleness and timidness our neighbor explained to my wife that she and her husband were going to try and 'work things out'. I am to understand that he has agreed to go to cousneling, and after being a way for a few weeks has perhaps 'woke up and smelled the coffee' and while much needs to be worked on for the forseeable future in terms of trust and emotions, he will be over there a few nights a week.

He, (and it is understandable as to why) is a little shy right now to face everyone on the street for I am sure what he sees as a grilling and the task of explaining his recent actions to all. I don't blame him. I'm nit exactly sure what I would do either. I'd like to think I'm man enough to go door to door and maybe lay it on the line on a one-on-one conversation with those that I felt were involved. In this manner, I'm gald I stayed out of it to begin with other than my advice to the wife.

On the other hand my own wife feels a bit awkward right now and has a small serving of self-imposed 'crow' to eat. This is one of the times where I tried to give my wife advice as to how involved she should get lest things turn around, but she went with her own feelings anyway, and now realizes that perhaps she got 'too' involved and now even feels more awkward than anyone else on the street that has moved back in. She gave me that look the other day that said "Don't tell me 'I told you so'. I know, okay."

I did run into him yesterday for the first time since everything went down about a month ago. All I could muster up was "Hey, I like you hair like that." (It was a little longer and did look good). I didn't want to bring attention to all the stuff going on in their lives right now, so I pretended that all was normal.

If and when he is ready to talk, perhaps he'll open up to me. I can imagine he'll need all the friends he can get right now with all eyes on the street currently on him.

The Lord recommends that we seek for reconcillation. He doesn't want any marriage or relationship to suffer. I hope His attention soon turns to me and my own wife. I'd like to think she learned some lessons in this recent situation next door, and for the first time since we've been married....she has been a little more open about her feelings and is able to admit some of her own flaws in our marriage. I suppose that's a good sign. I guess I'll take what I can get for now.

Lacking Synchronicity

Today I feel very odd.

The best way I can put it (and I already know my own description is lost in translation) is that I am outside my physical self. I mean I currently aware my body is seated in a chair, and that I am typing, but I also feel adrift in a sea of lazy psychic currents.

Is it because I am tired both mentally and physically? My body has been a bit sore and tender the last few days, but it feels as if my mind wishes to wander a bit too. I keep having thoughts of being elsewhere....not work...not home....

My mind just keeps conjuring up false, yet oh-so-real locals. Like my daydreams could actually become reality. I've been thinking of sunsets again in the desert and feeling the breeze upon my body. I've pictured small lighthouses on coastal beaches. I've been thinking of lazily drinking an ice-tea while sitting in fabric lounge chair in the shade. I smell different fragrances in the air...whether it be summertime flowers, or ocean mist, or even wild desert sage mixed with the smells of hot sand.

I was asked to go to lunch today with a coworker, but I didn't want to go. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and maybe get in some reading. I actually did read for a bit, but then afterwards, I place my book down and just sank into the bench I was seated upon. It's almost as if I became one with the bench and it took a real effort to concentrate on anything at all. Even more so it seemed like a major feat to even think about getting up and going back to the grind. If given the opportunity to get really lost, I think I could have sat there for an undetermined amount of time and let the world pass me by. It really felt good and realizing to separate myself from the real world.

I didn't sleep much last night. That may be contributing to my feelings of separation from myself. It was warm at the house and I awoke a few times throughout the early morning hours. I recall glancing at the clock a few times, so I figure maybe I got about 5 hours of sleep.

Work has also been on my mind this last week as well. Perhaps even making me a tad grouchy. There are a few pieces of equipment that just seem to keep breaking, and my company doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. I have the sense they don't wish to spend money for replacement equipment....instead just tasking me over and over to patch it up...to the point where the patches aren't working any longer either, and they want to know why things aren't working. See....they keep asking why....but there is no real serious mention of 'okay...how do we fix it then?'.

At lunch today I saw a woman I was attracted to. Not because she was pretty. By typical standards, she was very unassuming and plain looking, very average. Much paler than I am normally attracted to, so I can't say it was her looks (although she wasn't ugly by any stretch). She was attractive in a light I never really saw a stranger before....she just seemed 'genuine'. Now I have no idea what that actually means or if it is true or not.....she just seemed to carry herself in such a way that she was peaceful and happy and just exuded this aura that she would be a nice companion. I even caught myself wondering what our family vacation would be like, and how our kids looked. In just those brief 30 seconds, my mind had crafted snapshots of family holidays, our home, our time together in various aspects....and it was all pleasant. Of course I feel somewhat guilty for being already married, but it's like I wanted to have a different life again, and this was my minds way of saying 'What the heck happened here?'

Is my mind trying to point out to me that I secretly know I am still unhappy with the life I currently lead. Do I desperately really and truly want a 'do-over'? I can't help but conclude 'yes'.

Tired & Sore

Last week was a little rough at work.

Some pretty un-assuming and relatively easily engineered hardware kep breaking and breaking and breaking. It caused me a lot of personal frustration as I really have no explanations that would adequetly explain the breakages, and it seemed everytime I was able to get one piece working, another piece elsewhere would break.

Because the company I work for not only is behind the 8-ball of technological standards, they resist spending any additional monies (in lieu of the current economy) to fix things. They really seem to be of a cultural mindset of squeezing every last penny they can out of something before replacing, and thus I find myself constantly just patching things over and over...never really 'fixing' them...just buying additional time.

It came to a head last week where I was mentally drained and physically tired. I figure I walked so much last week on our various campuses attempting to repiar things I had to put miles upon miles on my legs and feet.

The accumaltive effect was I was dead tired to the world this weekend. I barely had energy to do laundry so going to the gym was out of the question. By saturday morning my whole body ached...lower back, calves, and the soles of my feet.

Even this morning, I could barely wake-up, and easily could have stayed in bed not only longer, but even wanted to stay home from work....but I knew I was needed today. I managed to grab a large cup of coffee this morning, and that seems to have had little effect. I'm still tired and feel like I could easily nap in my chair. My legs and feet are still sore, and I even got a rare knot/charlie horse in one of my calfs yesterday.

I managed to make it to church yesterday and it was good. It was very nice that two of the men came up to me after service and said they were praying for me and my 'situation' with my wife, which made me feel good.

Things on the marriage front have been good this last week as well, despite the fact that my wife is experiencing her monthly biological cycle that began Friday. At least knowing this ahead of time, I've more or less stayed cleared of her and have tried to be extra nice. The only time I sorta got mad was when I told her my friend was coming over saturday to play a game with me. She gave me a face like 'Really? I don't want any company over today.' Well, not to sound too insensitive, but too bad. You know how many times I am surprised at the last minute by people showing up at our house when I'm never consulted? When I'm not really in the mood for company? So...she can just deal with it this time as I have dozens of time before. She ended up going to our room early that evening and watching TV as we played Rock Band for a while.

Speaking of which, that was a very nice surprise for me. I mentioned to my friend the other day that I'd like to buy Rock Band, but because my wife and I recently had a talk about finances, I feel a little guilty going out and buying a $60 game. Well, wouldn't you know....he comes over Saturday night and hands me the game...Yes, he went out and bought it for me. I am still astounded and I can't believe he did that. It made me feel very good in knowing my friend thought of me like that and bought something he knew I desired that we could enjoy together. I'm wierd this way, but his stock in my life just went way up. It's amazing that the little things like that can define who a true friend really is, and he now has a personal loyalty from me that I can't explain.

The reason I bring this up is to point out that as a Christian we often judge those who aren't. Of course I know a lot of fine, outstanding Christians, but ocassionaly even some non-believers really impress me more so with their unselfishness and genuine nature more so that many Christians do. Sometimes my non-Christain friends actually treat me with a deeper compassion and bondship than those I go to church with. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. Perhaps it's the fact that non-christains have the ability to move me...or the most unlikely people end up doing the most.

Tired and venting

I feel like I need to apologize for my last few entries.

Looking back the last few days, my overall tone has been a little more gruff and edgy and it has clearly come out in my blog. However, I also know I don't live within a cute candy castle with marshmallow clouds either.

My stress is creeping up as of late. Between our finances, the heat, the drama next door and within, and my work as of late (this past week has been very trying and taxing), it must be getting to me.

As a matter of fact, last night I woke up at 3:23am and was up, tossing and turning before I finally gave up at about 4:45 and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. The whole time while I was up, my mind was racing about this and that, and once again coming to grips with my own personal happiness. I tried very hard to pray during this time, but as I said, my mind and it thoughts seemed cluttered and chaotic. As much as I was trying to concentrate of Christ, my mind would go off on a tangent elsewhere...like "What if I were still single?" "I wish I had a kid." "Would I be a good father?" "Where did I go wrong?"

Somewhere around 5:30 I must have finally fell back to sleep for at least another hour, but when I finally got up, my back was killing me. My couch is very comfortable, but wasn't build to give back support for sleeping. It took me a few minutes to even sit up...that's how sore I was...and when I did managed to sit up my back cracked in numerous places.

I seriously needed good coffee this morning, and there was none to be found. I drove up to Starbucks on my way to work (yay...another day at this grind as well....hot weather and nothing working the way it should be makes for a lot of troubled sighs throughout my day), but the line was way too long.

Work has been frustrating as well. I totally understand our economy is on shaky ground, and in lieu of 6.1% unemployment, I should be happy (and I am) that I just have a job right now. But sometimes I feel like I just do the same thing over and over and over again....fix, and fix and fix this equipment that just keeps breaking all the time. Why my company won't invest in new stuff is beyond me. I spend so much time patching the same things over and over again I'm not sure to laugh as I go stark-crazy mad, cry in frustration, or curse and yell in anger. Doesn't help when it's in the mid 90's either.

So I guess what I am trying to say here is the last week or so has been me venting...blowing off steam.

I think for Christmas, I am seriously going to go to a travel agent and book a cruise (our long delayed Honeymoon) for a good week. These 3 and 4 days here and there just aren't enough. I need to smell some fresh air. I need to take in a sunset and watch the colors of the sky change as the moon rises. I need to have a fruity drink with an umbrella and hang out in some bermuda shorts and crazy T-shirt instead of a suit for once.

Well, I'm off to go back in the field again right now. It's hot again outside, but I'm gonna day dream about exotic foods and exotic waters right now.

Don't get sucked in.

So things for all intents and purposes seem to be going well, but of course nothing ever is at it seems. You know the quip: "It's almost too quiet...Something isn't right?" Yeah, I almost found my self in it last night but I caught myself just before I got sucked into pandoras box or a gordian knot.

When my wife came home from bowling last night, instead of coming in the house at 9:30...of course she HAS to go next door and console the neighbor...again.

She finally comes in at around 10pm and I ask "What's wrong?"

She procedes to tell me the 'battle lines' are being drawn on the street, that a couple at the end end of the street are siding with the husband in the neighborhood divorce.

Well, I'm not sure why she should be surprised. Name me a divorce where sides weren't taken. My advice to her a few weeks ago is that you can be supportive without getting involved. That means, you can be a shoulder to cry on, get her mind off things, but STAY AWAY from the temptation to getting directly involved.

Nope. She couldn't do it. I'm not sure the exact details or exact timeline, but I now understand our neighbors soon to be ex-husband has e-mailed my wife.....and said a few things...which she felt the need to fire back. I found out AFTER the fact that she had already replied and waited to tell me the following the day.

Mistake #1: My wife took the bait, and replied. I told her if he writes or calls, don't even give the satisfaction of acknowledgement and just delete/ignore. Don't even read the message, lest she get 'worked up' and feel the need to reply, in which case things could escalate. It just give the ex and the other neighbors canon fodder or fuel to ignite a larger exchange.

I explain to my wife, what do you think you will accomplish by replying back? He is moving forward with the divorce. He has moved out. He is not returning. What do you think the resolution will be and why do you care? She tells me that it is important that the 'truth' be heard. Yes, I agree with her...however, we are talking about people who don't know the full story and have already made up their minds. He is not being rational and has already crafted his own version of events based on high emotions and his interpretations...so again, at the end of the day...his mind is not going to be changed, and no one else on the street will give a damn in a few months. Seems like a lot of energy being wasted on a non-issue that she is getting baited into.

Problem is...I can see this (and have seen it for a few weeks now) and my wife doesn't. Her stubborn, "I always have to be 'right'" nature gets in her way. You know, men aren't the only creatures with ego's and pride.

Again, I gave my advice...."You know...if you continue to respond...he's just going to continue to egg you on. If you ignore and delete the messages, he'll give up. He then (and the other neighbors) will have nothing to say about you."

She replied, "I don't care what they think."

"Well, if you don't care what they think, then why are you deteremined that the 'truth' come out and you're obviously getting worked up now. You more or less just countered your own argument....Don't reply, don't fire back, don't get involved...they have nothing to say...end of story."

"So what if they tell untruths or begin to slander us?"

"You just said you don't care. You either care or you don't. The important thing is YOU and I know the truth. When this is all over, you'll never see him again and you don't even speak with the neighbors in question at the end of the street...so again....why do you care? What do you hope to achieve? How is it by replying to him that you see this will come to resolution for the streets sake?"

Then the sad, ugly truth was uttered from her lips...and I had to immediatly had to dismiss this whole conversation or risk getting into an argument.

"You don't stick up for me? If this was someone elses wife on the street, their husband would defend them and have words with him. You didn't"

Ahhhh....so this is what it is about....I didn't jump fast enough when he first said things to you.

Well....the FACT OF THE MATTTER IS....I didn't know about until you had already replied and then decided to tell me a day or two later. I wasn't present to respond when it happened. I don't have his phone number, nor his email address. I haven't even seen him other than the day the police showed up a few days back.

The reason no one is attacking me, or having words with me? Very simple....I STAYED OUT OF IT. I can support my female neighbor (and I have when I spoke with her) without broadcasting my feelings to the street. I don't fuel the fire with any antics that can EVEN be interpreted wrong by anyone. Notice...the neighbors at the end of the street aren't in my Kool-Aid, because I'm not in theirs. The soon-t0-be ex isn't in my grill, because I'm not in his. Namely I haven't given him a chance or an opportunity to do so. The FACT is I gave my advice to my wife to stay out...and she CHOSE not to. She actively made a decisio to get involved...and now is pissed at me because I'm not defending her for something I wasn't even aware of until after it went down and I was graced with the crumbs of information she gave me.

Of course it's now my fault. I see that so clearly now. Once again, I prove that I am just a 'hermit' whose outta touch with the world.

I ended the conversation right there. Fine...go ahead...get worked up about it. Fire back and get into an email and text war with him if you think that's the right way to resolve this and get whatever you think you're gonna get out of this. For once...grow up...walk the other way. Forgive...forget. Move on. Don't dwell on it....Isn't that advice you scream at me over and over again? Oh, I see....it's easy to tell me all this stuff, but you can't do it yourself. Whatever....continue on with your war of words (how is that working out for you anyway?)...and leave this hermit to himself. This is one other area where I don't need to stress about. You don't want my advice, and even if you ask for it...you ignore it anyway. Again, how's this all working out for you?

I ended the conversation here and went to bed.

Weekly Wrap-up

I decided to take Friday off of work last week for a 'mental health' day. At least that's what I hear people are calling what once was known as 'playing hooky'.

My past job of 10 years, I rarely took a day off....the only times I ever recalling taking time off was when I was very ill with food poisoning or the time I hurt my back. I rarely even took vacations. When I was 'let go' after 10 years, they actually had to pay me out 3 weeks of vacation time I had saved up because I never went anywhere.

Even in High School, I was such a nerd, I even got an award for not missing one day of school in 4 years. No joke.

I'm trying to take a different approach to life now. Last week I had a very frustrating Thursday at work. Nothing was going right, and it was warm, and by the time I got home I was dead tired, sweaty, and sore. Things were piling up around the house like laundry, dishes, taped television and a few other things....so I decided to stay home. And it was nice. I caught up on TV, cleaned our office, did a few loads of laundry, took our dog for a nice long walk, and even had the chance to play some video games uninterrupted.

The neighborhood did have some drama however on Friday. It seems the husband to our next door neighbor came over unexpected as a bunch of us were outside. Within minutes the police were over and temporally cuffed him. I felt for him...I'm sure he was embarrassed beyond belief (I know I would be) and didn't want to make eye contact with any of us. It really had to be magnified since it was pure coincidence we were all outside when this went down. The sad thing is I really do sense a few of our neighbors turning on him...calling him names and talking bad about him....and yet no one knows the whole story. I suppose I'm really sensitive to this because I said I see a lot of parallels between him and me...his wife and mine...his situation and my situation.

After 30 minutes and once the police let him go and they left, and he then left with his head hung low...the husband bashing continued. After another ten minutes or so, I finally spoke up...and told them all without being ashamed that instead of condemning him for what we don't know, we should be praying for his mental health, her peace, and both of their stability. It was just a few weeks ago we were all his friends, and I'm somewhat surprised the tone people are beginning to form...based on nothing.

Saturday I went to men's bible study but I wasn't really enthralled. I like structure and was planning to continue our study in Corinthians, but instead we went way off topic to the point I was actually looking forward to leaving and wonder why I even showed up. I didn't go to church on Sunday either...I was still sore and tired and wanted alone time.

My wife wanted to talk to me yesterday afternoon too. Earlier she was balancing her check book and looking at her finances. She started the conversation by saying, "You're not going to yell at me are you? Don't be mad." Great, with an introduction like that I can only assume the worst, but I steeled myself, took a deep breath, and sat on the couch. "Okay, what's on your mind?"

She proceeded to tell me that she's broke...and tears began to form in her own eyes. I'm sorry, but I saw this coming. As you'll recall, we've argued about money before....And on occasion I've bailed her out in the past with her telling me she'll do better next time. To her credit she has improved, but she's managed to get in over her head again where she is just paying off finance charges anymore with nothing left. Yes, this is the same person who declared bankruptcy 6 years ago. I'd thought she'd learn from her mistakes...but apparently not. She's informed me she has 4 credit cards now and they are all maxed out. Two years ago she didn't have one.

And 4 credit cards later, what does she have to show for it? Sure a few clothes here and there, a few meals, a few holiday gifts....but not 4 maxed out credit cards worth. She says she may need to get another job unless 'we' figure something out. In a way, I almost want her to get another job...1) I don't want to keep being the bail out guy in lieu of her behaviors towards me at times, 2) It may keep her more busy so she's not involved in all the things I question at times, 3) She really needs to learn the lesson the hard way...because all the advice I've been giving for years....she either takes as an attack, or just plain dismisses altogether thinking I'm some control freak. I laugh when she says that inside. I'm a control freak? Apparently not...because we don't have a joint account, nor did I even know about all these maxed cards, so what control she thinks I have, I have no clue.

To make a long story short, she agreed to my idea that we'd both keep a daily journal for one month of every financial transaction (checks, cash, CC's, debit cards) and at the end of the month we'd compare and see if we find any patterns or area's we can both cut.

She's offered to turn everything over to me, and open one joint account where both our salaries are automatically deposited and I pay all the bills. This is something I offered years ago and was met with a lot of resistance. I remember this as being one of those moments where I was being 'controlling'. But now, years later, because it's now 'her idea', I guess it's okay. I'm a bit skeptical though.....what's to stop her in the future from arguing with me that I am in control of everything? Or, I don't give her enough allowance? I'm still trying to figure out how she went from 0 to 4 credit cards in the last 2 years. I'd think once two were maxed out a rational person coming off a bankruptcy would not open a 3rd let a lone a 4th.

Maybe I should be taking another mental health day.

The Vicious Circle (part IV- finale)

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since our last blow-up, and dare I say things seem back to normal, or as normal as I can expect them for the time being?

Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.

Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.

I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).

When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.

The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.

On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.

The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.

I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.

The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.

So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?

The Vicious Circle (Part III)

After my wife slammed the door and went downstairs, I sat there in bed and while I wasn't as agitated as perhaps I world normally be under these circumstances, it was enough where I knew if I didn't do something to take care of myself, I would eventually be my own worst enemy and spin out of control.



After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.



I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.



Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.



Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.



Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.



After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.



Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.



As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...



"Where are you going?"



"Church."



"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"



At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.



"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."



By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."



"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."



"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"



"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."



"Okay. I'm sorry."



"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."



"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"



"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."



"Just go to church...."



"I am."



And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.



To be continued....

The Viscious Circle...continues (Part II)

Warning: this entry contains adult language.

So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.

It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.

She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.

Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.

"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.

"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."

"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."

"I'm still a little upset from earlier."

"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"

"Don't I?"

"No."

"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"

"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."

"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."

"Oh, you're so literal...."

"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."

"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."

"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)

"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."

"Really? I beg to differ."

"Really. I still have it."

"Read it then...right now...."

"You know....."

"Read it." I interuppted.

She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.

At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.

"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."

"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."

"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"

I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."

"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."

"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"

"I don't understand."

"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"

"No we need to get this out and over with..."

At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."

"No....I'm done now."

"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.

"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.

"You're an asshole."

"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.

"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.

But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.

"So you're not saying anything?"

"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."

My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.

She didn't leave that night...

To be continued....

The vicious cycle never ends.

3 weeks ago my wife came home and boldly claimed "That's it...Screw my job....They don't pay me for all this overtime I put in so I'm not doing it anymore and I'm gonna start coming home at 6pm and we'll walk the dog together."

I sat there for a minute not knowing how to react. It sounded good, but my wife always seems to make certain proclomations from time to time, yet they never seem to be executed.

As usual, I always delude myself into possibly believeing that she actually means it this time, only to be let down in either a few days or a few weeks. Why should this time be any different?

Because I'm a sucker and always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Like I said.....I'm an idiot and a sucker.

The first few days it seemed okay. She was home by 6pm, give or take a few minutes, and we indeed walked the dog.

That was the first three days.

By day four she came home at 7pm and then said it was too hot for her to walk the dog, but I did anyway. The next day although she did come home a bit earlier, again it was apparantly to hot for us to walk the dog, but I went ahead and walked him anyway....by myself...again.

The following week disentigrated even further. We didn't walk the dog at all together, and her time coming home was again closer to 7pm. There was even one night she went to talk to the neighbor who is going through a rough patch with her husband and was over there for an additional hour.

Well, this week her schedule was as such: Monday night - bowling (double length), Tuesday night- later evening at work to catch up, Wed. night - visit the neighbor again, Thursday - a co-worker had a personal crisis (home at 8:15), Tomorrow is girls night out, and I just received an e-mail she is going to be at a co-workers birthday tonight and be home between 9-10 (my guess it'll be later...because every time my wife puts a time stamp on herself, I've learned its 'never' the time she first indicates) she said she told me 2 weeks ago. I don't remember her telling me, but I can't be sure.

So this week, we're back to sqaure one (it lasted all but 1 week) and I called her out on it: "What happened to this speech you gave me 3 weeks ago about 6pm and walking the dog, etc?" I thought I was being nice and said I'm a little confused between what was said and what is happening, and was honest in saying I feel I'm playing second fiddle to her friends, and I'm a little envious of her time she can devote to them, but not me.

Why do I set myself up for these things? You'd think I'd learn by now with almost 5 years under my belt. Keep my mouth shut.

No, instead I received a pretty snide and aggressive email stating "I didn't know we set an exact time on walking the dog." -And- "You're always playing Xbox or watching TV anyway way I come home." -And the kicker- "You're not the same fun person I married 5 years ago. You're a hermit and I don't want to be. I want to talk with friends instead of playing video games."

Arrgghhhh....See the circle here? Now it's my fault. If I understand this correctly, she hangs out with her friends and comes home late because I play video games too much or watching TV. Not because her statement of coming home at 6pm really means any random time between 6:30 and 9pm and I'm supposed to guess what time it is today, so instead....because I'm waiting around for someone who comes and goes at their own scheduling, I turn on a video game. I'll have you know, I've only turned on my X-Box once this whole week, and my Wii twice (I was actually exercising on my Wii Fit and not playing a came at all).

"I come home and your stuck in front of C.o.H or the TV."

Really? Funny, since I haven't played C.o.H. in over 8 months, and I'm watching TV after I walk the dog by myself to relax because YOU'RE NOT HOME YET. Should I be paininting the house? Twiddling my thumbs aimlessly? Pulling non-existant weeds? Something else to fill my alone time when YOU'RE NOT HERE!?! Please tell me, what should I be doing as to placate you since I have NO CLUE when you are coming home that is safe for me to avoid your wrath? Take up smoking? Drink more?

"You're turning into a hermit."

Why? Because I don't want to be a part of the neighborhood gossip clutch? Because I don't feel the need to have a drink everytime they get together and talk about the same mundane thing for the thousandth time in a row? Because I can predict exactly who will say what and when, and the topics are limited to the same 3 inane subjects?

This all sounds so bad after what my neighbors are currently going through, but I swear, its moments like this one right now I can understand why it looks easy to walk away from it all.

Don't be surprised if I don't have drink tonight.

Guilt or no guilt?

Yesterday, Sunday, I had all intentions of going to church. I got up early, had coffee, cleaned up, looked at the clock...and looked again....and waited...and looked again every few minutes.

Church begins at 9:30 and I never feel too bad for missing the first song. To be honest, I just can't ever seem to get into the 'worship' portion of our service which generally includes 4 songs. I feel bad for saying this, but I find them so lyrically repetitive and, um, 'corny' at times. It doesn't help that our band only seems to have a repetoire of what seems like 12 songs total, so in any given month, you may hear the same ones a few times. I generally just like the actual message or sermon to be quite frank.

By 9:45 I was of course late, and just seemed to look for an excuse not to go at this point, and I can't tell you why. So when my wife asked me to goes to Lowe's right then, I said 'Okay', and blew off church.

By 11am (which is the time our service normally ends), I was experiencing on-again, off-again feelings of guilt for not going. Part of me felt ashamed one minute for not spending an hour and a half with God, and then the next minute I was feeling okay. The best line I can think of (and it sounds like a lame excuse, I know...) is that I was burnt out yesterday. Sure, it's a selfish reason and doesn't make much sense to anyone other than the justification within my own head, but I guess I just didn't feel like going afterall. And I don't know why.

But here we are on Monday, and I still feel little stabs of guilt. Perhaps I am trying to hide from some sort of self-conviction. Maybe. With the whole neighbor sitation going on right now and some other stuff, I admit my thought process has been a little bleak and jaded.

In a strange moment of past reflection, it's almost as if I wish I were alone again. No contact from anyone...not because I feel depressed right now....it's liek I just need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. It was even a mental struggle this morning wanting to go to work. I'm actually fantasizing about just sitting home and reading a book in the backyard, playing hooky, and drinking some fresh ice-tea and breathing in the last of the warm summer air.

Do you guys ever feel that way? Not just about being burnt out from church, but maybe something bigger overall....like isolating yourself from the chaos and commotion of a busy lifestyle?

Keeping up with the Jonses'

"Tell those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which will soon be gone. But their trust should be in the living God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6: 17-18)

In somewhat of an interlude to the recent Marriage Woes entries, this topic sprung into my mind based upon a cliche that I've heard quite a few times from the neighbors over the last few days in reference to perhaps one of the causes to the husband's recent behavior.

While I think people are using this cliche a little too liberally here, I can't say it doesn't hold some merit. Just not the amount of merit everyone else is putting stock into right now.

The young couple in crisis right now (actually only 6 years younger than my wife and I) perhaps weren't prepared for what they took on a few years ago when they moved into the neighborhood. It was a time when the mortgage industry was sewing the seeds that would ultimately turn into the housing industry debacle we all have been experiencing this last year. Home prices shot up dramatically making it very hard for first time owners to be a responsible party in the owner/bank equation. Lenders circumvented this by offering insane deals that didn't make sense to anyone (including me) and thus the introductions of these ARM statements.

Fast forward a few years where the economy turns stagnant, ARMs re-adjust, gas prices shoot up, and the dollar falls. They say that foreclosures are at an all time high, and people are really holding on to their jobs. In the area in which we live, staying unemployed for too long spells trouble.

I think financial woes may have gotten to my neighbor. They may have bitten more off than they could chew, and it didn't help that he lost his job and had to eventually take something he didn't care for as much that paid less. That's how I felt when I lost my job. The $900 from the gov't every two weeks doesn't come close to the salary I was making, but fortunately I was always pretty good with money and saved up for a rainy day (my wife never understood why I was miserly at times early on...and during my loss of employment, I think she changed her tune when she saw I had much saved up). But I did have my doubts and concerns and worries just like everyone else. I may have been a little too pessimistic though...I was always talking about the rainy day, obsessed it would be coming one day, thus I never learned how to relax and enjoy a lot of simple things in life.

My neighbor, however, (at least in some of our casual conversations in the past) would tell me about all the great things his friends had, all the toys his brother had, the track homes in upscale areas his buddies now owned....and he always seemed to compare them to himself. He is college educated, married, just turned 31 years of age.....and has quite a few setbacks the last few years. On the surface I think he thinks that how did all his friends move ahead and 'appear' to be happier and he and his wife continue to struggle to make ends meet. He liked the idea and the appearance he was on par with everyone else. It just wasn't the case, and I really suspect his friends are all about appearances too (secretly in debt, living beyond their means....any day the floor just about to drop from under them).

I know the feeling. My wife and I argue about finances. That's been our main bone of contention in our own marriage. We've had some doozies on how to spend or not to spend money and what our responsibilities are to ourselves and each other in that realm.. I constantly think about retirement and social security, and the way we save and spend money, and I don't think I can retire anytime soon.

I finally admit to myself, I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be in this phase of my life. When I was 22-23 and just about to graduate college (1993) I thought "Who wouldn't want to hire me?". I mean I was a Business Management graduate with a double minor in computer information systems and marketing. I was also pretty much an A/B student. I'm sharp and a quick learner. I thought it was only a matter of months, maybe weeks, before I had a nice job that afforded me an office and a leather brief case (I probably watched too much Dallas back in the day and I wanted to emulate the lifestyle of JR Ewing).

In my head I envisioned that in about 5 years I would be driving a Mercedes Benz, I would have a nice house, and most likely engaged. In 10 years I would be well onto raising my 2 kids, and my wife would be a stay at home mom and once a year we'd go on a fabulous vacation.

In reality I got married after 10 years and started our life together in a condo, and now an attached house. I have a step-daughter who doesn't treat me as a father figure at all, someone who still just dates her mom, a wife who can't comprehend simple financial matters nor can seem to get pregnant any longer or even wants children at this point. We have yet to take a honeymoon in 5 years, and it seems to be a major decision right now if we can afford to buy all new shutters or blinds, or do we get a new front door or stove? I never got my Mercedes either...I drove my last car for 11 years and it leaked all the time, but I couldn't buy a new car when I was unemployed.

So yeah, things didn't work out the way I planned. At one point it really depressed me, and occasionally when others tell me how great their trip to Italy was, or how they just bought a Jet Ski and will be going to the lake this weekend, or how they just had the whole kitchen remodeled in granite and stainless steel, I admit a tinge of jealousy. But it could be worse.

I think that's what my neighbor is going through as well. I remember once he saw my 42" plasma TV a few years back.....he had to have one too. When his brother got a Lexus, he had to get an Infinity himself. When they saw other neighbors affording gardeners, they got one too. And perhaps the lifestyle caught up with them. Keeping up with the Jones' and the unsaid competition with family and friends led to some unsavory financial burdens and stress. I don't think they have attained where they would like to be in life (I sure didn't), and thus haven't found happiness or contentment.....juss mounting bills and headaches.

Fortunately I never got that far, but I do know the feeling and desires. Today, I don't make the money I made 3 years ago, but I am starting to learn how to appreciate what I have much more. I don't shop at Nordstroms or Saks any longer. I get nice $10 t-shirts and $30 tennis shoes at Kohl's. I don't put premium gas in my car any longer. I still have a VCR and not a Blu-Ray player. I buy my video games months after they come out, because that's when the price tends to drop. We cook more at home and have leftovers we take to work instead of $15-20 a plate dinners. I get my hair cut at Supercuts now. We still haven't take a vacation in a far away country, but this year I do plan on perhaps driving somewhere for a week.

I have learned the hard way about certain sacrifices, and yeah I may be disappointed on occasion, but I do spend more time with friends now, my dog, and learn to make do with what I have. I come to realize that I'll never have the lifestyle of the Ewings, but I do know with God in my heart, I have other riches that await me in the next life that I'll never experience here. I may not exactly like everything in my life right now, but I have come to the realization that God provides everything I need right now.....something the Jones' don't.

Marriage Woes (Part III)

It's Sunday and it just so happens that another couple on our street was planning to celebrate their own 17th wedding anniversary that evening but it was a very odd feeling and topic to discuss openly knowing that our other neighbors are going through crisis.

I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.

There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.

If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.

Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.

When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.

She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.

We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.

I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.

I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.

She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.

I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.

Marriage Woes (Part II)

Saturday more or less had an unusual cloud of silenced concern over our neighborhood. By now, many of the neighbors (not all) had known what was currently transpiring and there were many hushed talks going on.

I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.

As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.

My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.

The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.

Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.

To be continued....

Marriage Woes (Part I)

I'm not trying to be glib at all, but for the first time in a long time I can say this entry isn't about the state of my marriage, but that of my neighbors.

Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.

When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.

Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.

It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.

Just like me almost two years ago.

Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.

Just like me.

Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.

Just like me.

His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...

Just like me.

As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.

I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?

Perhaps.

I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.

I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.

I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.

Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.

My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.

Personal Reflection

It has been quite some time since I last made an entry, and I'm not exactly positive I know why.

It seems that last few weeks my existance has been comfortably residing within a set of parenthesis. I've had an odd feeling of peace, and I'm not even sure that the word 'peace' is even actually appropriate a description.

Everything has been very routine and comfortable for the most part. I can't say that I am extremely happy, nor am I sad. It's as if many of my emotions have just been minimized and while I am aware of the things going on around me, I don't have much inout or devoted much energy into contemplating them. Writing this own entry as it flows from my brain to my hands is probably the most I thought on any subject at any level that's just deeper than its surface.

I did one argument with my wife about a week ago, and I really tried to avoid it on multiple levels. I truly feel looking back that she really wanted to raise my 'ire' but I'm not sure why. I even exclaimed more than once that I wished to stop this now lest in go into territory that we'd both be sorry about. I asked her at least three times to stop, but she really knows how to press my buttons. If anything hurt me at all, it wasn't about the subject matter of the fight (money of course), in that respect I really wasn't mad....what made me angry was her deliberate twisting of my words and making these apple and orange type comparisons that made no sense at all, other than to just keep the argument going....for argument sake only.

But even after it was over, I got over it very quickly. It had to be one of the dumbest arguments we have ever had and I don't think I am saying that because I am a man. On the contrary I usually get much more worked up and much more emotional than my wife ever does. I swear, it was like she was on a mission to get under my skin that day and I don't know why. In the end, it may have backfired on her, because she stormed off and stewed for quiet some time afterwards and I was right back at being at peace minutes later and it didn't bother me.....WHich I think bothered her in the irony of it all.

In other matters, my mom and I have been getting along just fine. I did skip church last week and had a tinge of guilt, but not too much (which actually botehr me now....that I didn't have too much guilt). I'm a bit burnt out on things in general....work, chores, church, family, news, etc.

It's odd really. I do feel somewhat detached from everything close and dear to me other than my dog. I've been watching the news lately, and its just as sick and deprived as it always is. Horrible things are going on abroad and right here as well and yet I have no feeling for it.

The best anaology I can think of right now is my body is producing its own Lexapro like anti-depressant. My mood and feelings are pretty stable and nuetral which normally aren't the case.

I can't help but wonder if Jesus is preparing me for something, or working with me in a way I haven't yet been able to figure out. In a strange way, I've been pretty comfortable both mentally and emotionally the last few weeks and I'm not sure I want any change any time soon.