After my wife slammed the door and went downstairs, I sat there in bed and while I wasn't as agitated as perhaps I world normally be under these circumstances, it was enough where I knew if I didn't do something to take care of myself, I would eventually be my own worst enemy and spin out of control.
After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.
I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.
Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.
Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.
Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.
After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.
Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.
As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...
"Where are you going?"
"Church."
"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"
At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.
"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."
By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."
"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."
"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"
"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."
"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"
"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."
"Just go to church...."
"I am."
And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.
To be continued....
1 comment:
Your Wandering Mind,
I don't mind your comments at all. At the very least I'm just happy someone is taking the time to read my entries from start to finish, and then take the effot to comment.
As I've probably went into detail somehwere in some previous post, I am an anomaly amongst most men. Even my wife admits that at times our emotional viewpoints break the normal stereotyping of men and women, where I am the more sensitive person and she is the more closed off.
I know my crying may sound like I am indeed a 'wuss', and that's an image I even have for myself at times. On the contrary...most men and women who get to know me will tell me that they are usually intimidated by me at first...because I am built like a football player...meaning most people don't want to mess with me.
I know that violence doesn't solve anything...and sometimes I think my tears are my bodies way of channeling anger instead of going into a berserker rage and punching someones lights out. When I was younger, I used to laugh when my friends would tell me they want to bring me to a fight...because I am not a fighter.
Onto your points (first...thank you):
I tried the calm route the other night and I even remember thinking in my head "Do you even hear yourself right now..", trying to shut it out. Sooner or later (my fault) it's like a gnat in the ear...relentless...pushing and pushing and pushing...waiting for a reaction, until I break. She generally wins even though I try my hardest not to get sucked in.
Yes, I know I internalize her actions into my emotions. I agree 100% and can logically think that through...however, in the heat of the moment, logic tends to be thrown out the window. It's a combination of knowing that a) I think I'm above all this and she doesn't see that, b) does she really beleive what she is saying? How can any rational person think this...but again, we aren't always rational when we are mad and my wife has a helluva temper, c) I can feel the rage building inside and I do want to physically lash out...but know I can't....hence tears of frustration. I identify with what you say and try very hard to change my own personal habits.
I atcually tried your 3rd suggestion even before you suggested it. I asked her on Wed if she's like to do a picnic next week after work where I do all the work. She agreed to and said it sounded fun. On the flip side, I tend to feel I extend the 'olive branch' more than I should, especially when I feel I never started it to begin with. Like I am trying to make peace for something she caused. Sometimes that just 'feels' wrong and against my common sense, yet I do it anyway.
Finally, I suggested counseling before, and like my neighbors husband....my wife is against it. I feel as if my wife secretly knows she has a lot of issues herself and doesn't want to hear from an outsider that she may be to blame or be responsible for some of our issues. Pride and ego get in the way for my wife...and she'd be the first to tell you that openly. I think she's afraid of being confronted by someone else, so in turn refuses to attend.
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