Exhausted

I'm not exactly sure why, but I just don't seem to have much energy lately. The last few days I catch myself constantly yawning, daydreaming, and feeling very lethargic. The idea of actually getting up in the morning and going to work, or basic chores around the house just seems like a monumental undertaking.

While I went to bible study on Saturday morning, I failed to go to church again on Sunday...I just wasn't in the mood to get up....which sounds like an excuse and a cop-out, and it is. That's been on my mind the last few days and I have a twinge of guilt about it as well.

It may be a combination of a few things: warm weather, chores at the house that seemingly never end, my wife is out of town for the next seven days on business, and a very stagnant career.

The weather has been a bit on hot side as of late which can drain your energy, but add to the fact I work in some non-air conditioned rooms or walk quite a bit over black asphalt everyday with no shade, I end up feeling sweaty, dirty, and drained. Lately my soles of my feet and my calves have been very sore where the thought of walking anymore any particular day makes me place my head down on my desk.

With my wife out of town for 8 days straight and myself gone for 9.5 hours a day at work, the thought of coming home to do laundry, walk the dog (plus feeding and picking up after him), getting the mail, cooking dinner, cleanup, vacuum, mop, dust, trash, etc. also seems daunting.

Finally my work. The last two weeks it has been a real struggle to get motivated. It's not a 'bad' job, Lord knows there are plenty worse ones out there. I'm very thankful for what I have. I'm lucky to realize I even have a job in this current economy as well. But all that aside, it's been very thankless as of late. It has been stagnant and riddled with hardware issues that no one wants to spend money on to fix. So I just seem to keep patching and fixing the same things over and over again. It seems as I fix one thing, something else then breaks. Rinse and repeat...ad-naseum.

I look back at this summer and with the holidays approaching once again, and I realize that yet another year is almost gone where we have not taking any sort of vacation. We either have no money, or no time. Or is it because we are not willing to make the time? It just seems we always have some sort of other obligation we aren't in control of, and when we do get a break, it's perhaps one day...and we're so tired...we just want to stay home anyway.

I can't speak for my wife, but once again, I just feel burnt out. The 9.5 hour day just seems like it drags on and on, and my normal work week seems like it takes forever for Friday to roll around.

I slept okay last night, but had no real strength (mental or physical) to want to get up today. I could have stayed in bed another hour or so, but the fact that I do have a job and responsibility did make me get up. Even my infusion of a medium cup of Starbucks isn't getting me peppy enough to last the whole day.

As I was walking into work this morning, I was thinking about happiness again. On how I wish I could do certain things all over again, perhaps even my career. I don't know how to explain how I feel about my job. I do indeed like it, but perhaps more so on my terms. If I could be left to my own devices, and my own budget, I think I'd enjoy my job much more. But the fact that I have to answer to people who don't understand my niche hardware, or hold the purse strings on ever getting new equipment makes it seems like I always show up to work with one arm tied behind my back and someone else erecting hurdles in my path. Despite the earlier 'promises' that I was hired to take the ball and run with it, clearly no one has given me the ball yet. I'm still waiting for it to be passed down to me, and I doubt it's going to happen anytime soon.

So I was contemplating, yet again, on why I do what I do. Why aren't I working with animals. Why am I still here? Sure, my bills and financial responsibilities (especially those of my wife) won't go away anytime soon, so I do what I have to do, to ensure we make it. But as every day marches on, I realize I'm not really happy, and I don't think I have been for quite some time now. Could I be happy with something easier and pays less? I don't know. I don't want something easy in the sense of non-challenging....I need a challenge. I'm just tired of corporate America...and I just keep thinking about dogs and pets instead...and working at a pet store or something.

My thoughts are really disjointed today. I'm quickly scanning back over the last few paragraphs and I realize I'm spending a lot of time writing, but not really capturing my feelings as I intended to share with you so I think I'll end here for now.