Marriage Woes (Part I)

I'm not trying to be glib at all, but for the first time in a long time I can say this entry isn't about the state of my marriage, but that of my neighbors.

Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.

When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.

Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.

It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.

Just like me almost two years ago.

Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.

Just like me.

Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.

Just like me.

His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...

Just like me.

As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.

I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?

Perhaps.

I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.

I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.

I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.

Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.

My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.