Well, as I told you in my last post I started a new regime of Lexapro, and today is day 7. The doctor says it takes upwards of two weeks to kick in, but I'm pretty sure it has already kicked in.
Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.
I've noticed two side effects so far:
1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.
2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.
I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.
Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.
She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.
All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.
May 13, 2009
May 11, 2009
Meds again
I don't take this offering to you very lightly, but after many weeks of long self-deliberation, I have decided to begin taking anti-depressants again.
These last few months I have gone through a lot of emotional trials and tribulations with my marriage, work, and other aspects of my personal life that I began to notice both physical and mental side affects. Among them were increased irritability, bouts of insomnia, stress related digestive issues, and an overall feeling of restlessness and anxiousness. Especially the anxiety. When your heart feels like it's about to explode out of your chest, and deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques don't seem to have any effect, it's time to see the doctor.
And I'm sad to admit even prayer and spending time in the Word did little to get my mind from drifting off on negative tangents.
It has been over three years now since I last took Lexapro, and despite my continued attempts to find a 'happy' medium in my life, whether it be from God, counselors, friends, or family, it just wasn't always working. I'd have a few good days, and then once incident could shatter all the good stuff that came right before it.
In my line of work, I can't afford to be short, crabby, or irritable with the customers or my peers, and that is exactly what was happening. Then I'd get home, take my dog for a walk, and the problems surrounding my marriage seem to compound and take on a life of their own. By the time it was late enough to go to bed, my mind was so worked up, I could no longer turn it off. And then when it came to prayer to address those helpless feelings, I'm sorry, I still couldn't let go, and thus I would become physically uncomfortable as if I were about to have a panic attack with my heart racing.
So this past Thursday I went to see my doctor and we agreed that perhaps I should get back on the Lexapro and instead on Clonzepam for anxiety, I would be given generic Xanax (0.25mg) per tablet.
Suffice to say, I have only taken one Xanax since Thursday, but have taken my Lexapro every day now since Thursday. It generally takes about 1.5-2 weeks for your body to adjust and the Lexapro to kick in, so hopefully by the upcoming weekend I will feel more even for the time being.
These last few months I have gone through a lot of emotional trials and tribulations with my marriage, work, and other aspects of my personal life that I began to notice both physical and mental side affects. Among them were increased irritability, bouts of insomnia, stress related digestive issues, and an overall feeling of restlessness and anxiousness. Especially the anxiety. When your heart feels like it's about to explode out of your chest, and deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques don't seem to have any effect, it's time to see the doctor.
And I'm sad to admit even prayer and spending time in the Word did little to get my mind from drifting off on negative tangents.
It has been over three years now since I last took Lexapro, and despite my continued attempts to find a 'happy' medium in my life, whether it be from God, counselors, friends, or family, it just wasn't always working. I'd have a few good days, and then once incident could shatter all the good stuff that came right before it.
In my line of work, I can't afford to be short, crabby, or irritable with the customers or my peers, and that is exactly what was happening. Then I'd get home, take my dog for a walk, and the problems surrounding my marriage seem to compound and take on a life of their own. By the time it was late enough to go to bed, my mind was so worked up, I could no longer turn it off. And then when it came to prayer to address those helpless feelings, I'm sorry, I still couldn't let go, and thus I would become physically uncomfortable as if I were about to have a panic attack with my heart racing.
So this past Thursday I went to see my doctor and we agreed that perhaps I should get back on the Lexapro and instead on Clonzepam for anxiety, I would be given generic Xanax (0.25mg) per tablet.
Suffice to say, I have only taken one Xanax since Thursday, but have taken my Lexapro every day now since Thursday. It generally takes about 1.5-2 weeks for your body to adjust and the Lexapro to kick in, so hopefully by the upcoming weekend I will feel more even for the time being.
May 07, 2009
Restless Again
Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. - (Isaiah 41:10)
Not sure why, but my restless spirit continues, even after much prayer.
It was our neighbors birthday yesterday, and instead of going out with the girls, she opted instead to hang out on her front porch and have some of us hang out with her. I think my wife was a bit disappointed as I had the feeling she was looking forward to going out with just some of the girls, but instead it included two guys as well sipping some libations and just shooting the breeze.
I myself had a few drinks, and perhaps that contributed to my restlessness. I often heard that drinking can affect a good nights sleep. I was in bed just after 10pm, and I'm pretty sure my wife came in just after me. I was very tired and must have fallen asleep within a few minutes, but unfortunately beginning at 2am, I was up almost every hour on the hour. The one thing I noticed at these times was that I felt a tad of anxiety still, but I couldn't put a finger on the cause.
Was I still thinking about divorce? Was I thinking about this upcoming weekend and the possible drama that may ensue? Was it Mothers Day and my wife's bitterness towards the day? Maybe it is my job....I do feel very burnt out as of late. The last two weeks, there has been someone calling in sick or leaving early every single day leaving us short handed and I'm picking up the slack. I'm tired, and cranky, and can't help but think that even on these upcoming two days off (Sat & Sun) that I have a bunch of chores and obligations that I am not looking forward to myself.
I finally gave up trying to sleep at around 6am and opted to take a long, hot shower, although I just took one the night before. I began to pray in earnest to absolve my anxiety and/or stress and it seemed to dissipate a bit.
When I finally got out of the shower, my wife was now up as well, and I asked her to simply pray for me today, that I learn to calm my negative energies and de-stress. Right now, I don't feel so good. Most likely due to lack of sleep, but I'm sure a lot has to do with my mind working overtime on the state of my marriage.
I have a meeting this morning at 10:30am that is supposed to last up until lunch time, but I think I may leave early today to go home and decompress. I realize we are short handed, but I really do need a mental break and quiet time. I'm already picturing myself at home, on the couch, listening to some soft music and perhaps taking a brief nap.
That's one thing for sure I need to speak with the counselor next week about...relaxation techniques. I need to be able to stop the anxiety before it starts and put my faith in Christ to see me through all this.
Not sure why, but my restless spirit continues, even after much prayer.
It was our neighbors birthday yesterday, and instead of going out with the girls, she opted instead to hang out on her front porch and have some of us hang out with her. I think my wife was a bit disappointed as I had the feeling she was looking forward to going out with just some of the girls, but instead it included two guys as well sipping some libations and just shooting the breeze.
I myself had a few drinks, and perhaps that contributed to my restlessness. I often heard that drinking can affect a good nights sleep. I was in bed just after 10pm, and I'm pretty sure my wife came in just after me. I was very tired and must have fallen asleep within a few minutes, but unfortunately beginning at 2am, I was up almost every hour on the hour. The one thing I noticed at these times was that I felt a tad of anxiety still, but I couldn't put a finger on the cause.
Was I still thinking about divorce? Was I thinking about this upcoming weekend and the possible drama that may ensue? Was it Mothers Day and my wife's bitterness towards the day? Maybe it is my job....I do feel very burnt out as of late. The last two weeks, there has been someone calling in sick or leaving early every single day leaving us short handed and I'm picking up the slack. I'm tired, and cranky, and can't help but think that even on these upcoming two days off (Sat & Sun) that I have a bunch of chores and obligations that I am not looking forward to myself.
I finally gave up trying to sleep at around 6am and opted to take a long, hot shower, although I just took one the night before. I began to pray in earnest to absolve my anxiety and/or stress and it seemed to dissipate a bit.
When I finally got out of the shower, my wife was now up as well, and I asked her to simply pray for me today, that I learn to calm my negative energies and de-stress. Right now, I don't feel so good. Most likely due to lack of sleep, but I'm sure a lot has to do with my mind working overtime on the state of my marriage.
I have a meeting this morning at 10:30am that is supposed to last up until lunch time, but I think I may leave early today to go home and decompress. I realize we are short handed, but I really do need a mental break and quiet time. I'm already picturing myself at home, on the couch, listening to some soft music and perhaps taking a brief nap.
That's one thing for sure I need to speak with the counselor next week about...relaxation techniques. I need to be able to stop the anxiety before it starts and put my faith in Christ to see me through all this.
May 06, 2009
Sullen Day
Sullen isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but at the moment best describes my mood.
I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.
Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.
This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.
So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.
I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.
So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.
My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.
I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.
Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.
This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.
So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.
I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.
So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.
My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.
April 30, 2009
Peaceful Days
While I am a bit tired right now and could probably use a nap in general, things have been relatively peaceful the last few days.
I went to counseling this past Tuesday and it was fine. I only shed tears for a moment. And I'm happy to report my wife is going sometime today if she hasn't gone already by now.
The last two days in particular have seemed very peaceful both at home and at work, and I'm looking forwards to going back to church this weekend. We've both been talking with each other and I notice that we are both willing to try to make certain accommodations for each other at home. We've taken turns this week in making meals and/or cleaning up afterwards for each other and the overall tone at the house has been tranquil.
My step-daughter comes tomorrow and we had discussed earlier on going out to pizza together for a family meal, and then some time later on in the afternoon on Saturday to go bowling together.
I received my 6 CD set yesterday, "Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage" by Pastor Jack Abeelen and will listen to the first CD hopefully today.
Work has been busy the last few days, though I do feel a bit burnt out right now...like I said earlier, just tired and could use an extra hour or so of sound sleep. This afternoon will go by rather slowly I suppose, and the best thing I have on my docket is walking my dog when I get home.
I went to counseling this past Tuesday and it was fine. I only shed tears for a moment. And I'm happy to report my wife is going sometime today if she hasn't gone already by now.
The last two days in particular have seemed very peaceful both at home and at work, and I'm looking forwards to going back to church this weekend. We've both been talking with each other and I notice that we are both willing to try to make certain accommodations for each other at home. We've taken turns this week in making meals and/or cleaning up afterwards for each other and the overall tone at the house has been tranquil.
My step-daughter comes tomorrow and we had discussed earlier on going out to pizza together for a family meal, and then some time later on in the afternoon on Saturday to go bowling together.
I received my 6 CD set yesterday, "Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage" by Pastor Jack Abeelen and will listen to the first CD hopefully today.
Work has been busy the last few days, though I do feel a bit burnt out right now...like I said earlier, just tired and could use an extra hour or so of sound sleep. This afternoon will go by rather slowly I suppose, and the best thing I have on my docket is walking my dog when I get home.
April 28, 2009
Therapy Tonight
The last few days have actually gone better than expected.
After a few weeks of being miserable, confrontation, emotional, and wondering if my marriage was going to survive or not....we've actually been getting along very good the last couple of days.
Friday evening we went out for a dinner date and had a real good time. Dinner was good and talking about the good 'ole days seems to both put us in a receptive mood towards each other. Afterwards, we drove to a small little venue to listen to some music and met a very nice man who inexplicably began talking to us about marriage and the Lord. Deep down inside I was very excited and wonder if God sent this man into our lives at that moment to speak to us, or at least my wife.
Saturday I went out with my guy friends and had a great day seeing old friends and laughing and sharing.
Sunday I did skip church again (2 weeks in a row) to do chores about the house. My wife also agreed to go out with me in the afternoon for a snack and to meet a few mutual friends for dinner.
Monday, I met her at her bowling alley and hung out for an hour and then left, and she was home early!
Tonight I have a session, and we are having dinner together afterwards, and she shared with me that she is going back for her own therapy session again on Thursday.
So at the very least, we have stabilized our relationship and seem to be wanting to work it out and not become another statistic. I can't say we are out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping that your continued prayers and our own re-dedicated efforts towards each other may have a long lasting effect.
After a few weeks of being miserable, confrontation, emotional, and wondering if my marriage was going to survive or not....we've actually been getting along very good the last couple of days.
Friday evening we went out for a dinner date and had a real good time. Dinner was good and talking about the good 'ole days seems to both put us in a receptive mood towards each other. Afterwards, we drove to a small little venue to listen to some music and met a very nice man who inexplicably began talking to us about marriage and the Lord. Deep down inside I was very excited and wonder if God sent this man into our lives at that moment to speak to us, or at least my wife.
Saturday I went out with my guy friends and had a great day seeing old friends and laughing and sharing.
Sunday I did skip church again (2 weeks in a row) to do chores about the house. My wife also agreed to go out with me in the afternoon for a snack and to meet a few mutual friends for dinner.
Monday, I met her at her bowling alley and hung out for an hour and then left, and she was home early!
Tonight I have a session, and we are having dinner together afterwards, and she shared with me that she is going back for her own therapy session again on Thursday.
So at the very least, we have stabilized our relationship and seem to be wanting to work it out and not become another statistic. I can't say we are out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping that your continued prayers and our own re-dedicated efforts towards each other may have a long lasting effect.
April 24, 2009
A New Day
Since they are no longer two but one, let no one seperate them, for God has joined them together - (Matthew 19:6)Yesterday I really had a tough day of things. My emotions ebbed and flowed throughout the day and by the time I got home last night, my appetite was shot... Funny because my wife asked me what I wanted to do for dinner, and I kid you not, I must have offered up 5 different suggestions, and they were all shot down. It ended up having me make tuna helper as a last resort, and I may have had 3/4 of a serving before I just couldn't eat anymore.
My wife was so engrossed in Facebook again, it wasn't until I went to go take a shower....after I ate...that I guess she spooned herself a few bites to eat not in my company.
In the shower, I let the hot water cascade down my head, onto my shoulders and back, just trying to relax. Once out of the shower I opened the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapam (1mg) and looked at the left over 20mg Lexapro tablets I have. For a few minutes I hung onto the medicine cabinet and pictured myself calling my doctor and requesting a refill on both....something you normally wouldn't do, and I can just imagine the quizzing I'd be subject to. He'd most likely want me to come in, charge me for the office visit, and maybe, just maybe agree that I need to go back on the meds.
I'm seriously considering it. I need a little numbness I think, and alcohol is not the answer. A re-trial of the Lexapro (maybe 15mg) for a few weeks may help me regulate my emotions, especially when I have difficult times at work. I'm also going to ask if the Clonzapam comes perhaps in a 2mg form, as 1mg just doesn't seem to be enough...though it does help.
By 10pm I went to bed, and my wife soon followed...on her side of the bed of course, and our mini-schnauzer as the buffer between us.
This morning I reached over and grabbed her hand....to hold it...and surprisingly she held it back. I didn't want to let go even after 10 minutes, and finally asked her if I could snuggle her...and she agreed!! I lay next to her, no words spoken between us, just me hugging her over the top as she fell back asleep in my arms another ten minutes.
I finally had to get up and get ready for work, and I swear I heard her say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" Of course I would anyway, but did I hear right? Did she call me "Babe."? I haven't heard that in so long, and it looks like today started off on the right foot.
Tonight we are going out on a date. I offered to take her to dinner to a specialty seafood restaurant that she inquired about so long ago, and so she agreed. I'm not trying to get my hopes up too much, but it's a start. We'll be meeting at home after work, change, and then take a nice drive to a city we rarely get to anymore to have a nice dinner and hopefully to talk. Afterwards, if it is not too cold, perhaps I can convince her to take a stroll with me under the night sky like we used to do oh so long ago.
On another front, I was listening to a Christian radio station today and heard part of a message entitled "Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage", by Pastor Jack Abeelen. The series itself is 6 parts and I ended making an impulse purchase over the web for the series. Click here to see what I'm talking about. I'm hoping that my wife will listen to it as well, or at least part of it.
April 23, 2009
Holding it together
I don't know why, but in the last hour or so today I have had an overwhelming sense of dread.
I had a dream last night, very vivid and very detailed in regards to my marriage. In it my wife basically said that she was "going to the marriage counseling sessions but it hadn't changed anything....that she was still no longer in love with me." I awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, at 2:40am this morning and it took me a while to fall back asleep.
I realize it's just a dream and a manifestation of my deepest fears, but the last two days I was doing 'okay', and today I feel like a wreck. I'm barely keeping it together right now, and have already had to take a brief walk outside to hide and hold back the tears in my eyes.
One of the guys from church called me today to check in, and another friend texted me to lend support, but it's not enough right now.
I can't push my wife, lest I drive her away, but she didn't speak to me yesterday about her session, and I have no clue if she's going to go again. She did agree to go out to dinner with me on Friday night....I hinted at it as if it were a date, but I'm not sure she picked up on that. And today when I kissed her goodbye before I went to work, I told her I loved her....but there was no response back. I didn't want to show that it botehred me, but inside it hurts really bad.
It also hurts that I want to be close and intimaet with her, and yet we have been physically apart for almost 3 months now, even though we are under the same roof.
I've got so much on my mind today, and the stess of work isn't helping out in that realm either. I feel contained and holding in my energy and internal rage, afraid to let out a primal scream and let loose like a rabid and feral animal. That's not very grown up of me, and yet that's how I feel.
My motehr in-law called me today as well to see how I'm doing....they are going on vacation today for the next 12 days and so I feel I have another support mechanism lost for now.
Lord, please hear my prayers and see me through this day and the next. Please give me a sign, or have my wife open up to me to see how thinsg are going between us.
I had a dream last night, very vivid and very detailed in regards to my marriage. In it my wife basically said that she was "going to the marriage counseling sessions but it hadn't changed anything....that she was still no longer in love with me." I awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, at 2:40am this morning and it took me a while to fall back asleep.
I realize it's just a dream and a manifestation of my deepest fears, but the last two days I was doing 'okay', and today I feel like a wreck. I'm barely keeping it together right now, and have already had to take a brief walk outside to hide and hold back the tears in my eyes.
One of the guys from church called me today to check in, and another friend texted me to lend support, but it's not enough right now.
I can't push my wife, lest I drive her away, but she didn't speak to me yesterday about her session, and I have no clue if she's going to go again. She did agree to go out to dinner with me on Friday night....I hinted at it as if it were a date, but I'm not sure she picked up on that. And today when I kissed her goodbye before I went to work, I told her I loved her....but there was no response back. I didn't want to show that it botehred me, but inside it hurts really bad.
It also hurts that I want to be close and intimaet with her, and yet we have been physically apart for almost 3 months now, even though we are under the same roof.
I've got so much on my mind today, and the stess of work isn't helping out in that realm either. I feel contained and holding in my energy and internal rage, afraid to let out a primal scream and let loose like a rabid and feral animal. That's not very grown up of me, and yet that's how I feel.
My motehr in-law called me today as well to see how I'm doing....they are going on vacation today for the next 12 days and so I feel I have another support mechanism lost for now.
Lord, please hear my prayers and see me through this day and the next. Please give me a sign, or have my wife open up to me to see how thinsg are going between us.
Eye of the Storm (Part III)
**the events that I write about in this series took place almost a week ago, and a lot has happened in a mere five days to even keep up with, so I apologize upfront if things seem disjointed.
My in laws spoke with my wife in a gentle manner as she stood in the kitchen and over the course of the next 45 minutes there were some brief tears on her behalf and on mine. My wife admitted to not be happy lately, but it was beyond even our marriage....work, friends, family, etc. It just seemed to keep piling up and her attitude in general began to turn dour. The outlet being anything else that allowed for temporary escape from the here and now, whether that be alcohol, Facebook, girls night out, etc. She said my constant asking her "what's wrong" was only aggravating her emotions and she was feeling stifled and crowded.
She went on to say that her parents no longer 'knew' her, and nothing was going to get fixed in the next few days or two weeks. That really bothered me because I knew it was a long slow build to get to this point, and I missed some obvious signs and should have interceded long ago. I also know that it isn't going to get solved in just a few days and I never brought up a timeline of a few days or two weeks she kept referring to. But I was tired of coming home to a marriage and relationship that is seemingly in limbo, with only one party trying to move forward and the other non-responsive.
Her father flattered me very nicely by saying that he thought I was a good man, that he knew I loved his daughter, and that she wasn't going to find someone else like me....and she agreed with him, but it stung that she couldn't look at me.
Her mother asked her why she never went to counseling last year when she promised she would, and there was really no answer. Her mother and father then had my wife agree to go to counseling this week, and my wife said she would call Monday. However, she also directed some pent up anger back towards me again, "What do you want from me?"....I simply replied "You want your old husband back, I want my old wife back."
Other bits and pieces of conversation went back and forth, and by the one hour mark, her parents had hugged her and then my father began to speak to her. I took this time to leave her be as I walked the dog, help clear my head, and be happy it was all over. Even though I had witnessed her beginning to talk both calmly and rationally to her parents and my father, I knew she would harbor ill feelings towards me for the days to come.
When I arrived back home from my walk with the dog, she was leaving the house, off to see her friends for a weekend she planned sometime back. I'll be honest in saying I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was bummed because clearly this was a defining moment, and once again, she was out the door. On the flip side, I know if she stayed home it would be awkward for both of us, and now I needed a day by myself to collect my thoughts and dump my mind, and to pray.
My father stayed a bit behind to speak with me to see if I was going to be okay, and we just sat on the couch for an hour or so before he decided it was okay to leave me be. I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, going to the gym, watching some TV and eventually went to bed.
I also knew that despite my longing to go to church on Sunday, that I really was in no mood to either. I didn't want to face anybody there, and needed to continue to collect my strength throughout the day for when my wife would come home. I'm sure I hadn't heard the last of it, and I wasn't expecting her at home at all until very late in the day or even possibly that evening.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the garage door go up at 10:45am that morning.
To be continued....
My in laws spoke with my wife in a gentle manner as she stood in the kitchen and over the course of the next 45 minutes there were some brief tears on her behalf and on mine. My wife admitted to not be happy lately, but it was beyond even our marriage....work, friends, family, etc. It just seemed to keep piling up and her attitude in general began to turn dour. The outlet being anything else that allowed for temporary escape from the here and now, whether that be alcohol, Facebook, girls night out, etc. She said my constant asking her "what's wrong" was only aggravating her emotions and she was feeling stifled and crowded.
She went on to say that her parents no longer 'knew' her, and nothing was going to get fixed in the next few days or two weeks. That really bothered me because I knew it was a long slow build to get to this point, and I missed some obvious signs and should have interceded long ago. I also know that it isn't going to get solved in just a few days and I never brought up a timeline of a few days or two weeks she kept referring to. But I was tired of coming home to a marriage and relationship that is seemingly in limbo, with only one party trying to move forward and the other non-responsive.
Her father flattered me very nicely by saying that he thought I was a good man, that he knew I loved his daughter, and that she wasn't going to find someone else like me....and she agreed with him, but it stung that she couldn't look at me.
Her mother asked her why she never went to counseling last year when she promised she would, and there was really no answer. Her mother and father then had my wife agree to go to counseling this week, and my wife said she would call Monday. However, she also directed some pent up anger back towards me again, "What do you want from me?"....I simply replied "You want your old husband back, I want my old wife back."
Other bits and pieces of conversation went back and forth, and by the one hour mark, her parents had hugged her and then my father began to speak to her. I took this time to leave her be as I walked the dog, help clear my head, and be happy it was all over. Even though I had witnessed her beginning to talk both calmly and rationally to her parents and my father, I knew she would harbor ill feelings towards me for the days to come.
When I arrived back home from my walk with the dog, she was leaving the house, off to see her friends for a weekend she planned sometime back. I'll be honest in saying I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was bummed because clearly this was a defining moment, and once again, she was out the door. On the flip side, I know if she stayed home it would be awkward for both of us, and now I needed a day by myself to collect my thoughts and dump my mind, and to pray.
My father stayed a bit behind to speak with me to see if I was going to be okay, and we just sat on the couch for an hour or so before he decided it was okay to leave me be. I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, going to the gym, watching some TV and eventually went to bed.
I also knew that despite my longing to go to church on Sunday, that I really was in no mood to either. I didn't want to face anybody there, and needed to continue to collect my strength throughout the day for when my wife would come home. I'm sure I hadn't heard the last of it, and I wasn't expecting her at home at all until very late in the day or even possibly that evening.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the garage door go up at 10:45am that morning.
To be continued....
April 21, 2009
Break today
For the first time in the last 3 weeks, I think I actually got a decent nights sleep, although I did wake up once at 4am and was up for about 20 minutes or so.
Also my anxiety level today is much less...helps that work has been busy.
Well, I have 20 minutes left of work before I go to the marriage counselor solo today. My session is usually just over an hour, and I'm not sure what I feel like talking about today.
On another note, my wife supposedly agreed to go to counseling on her own now and also supposedly called to make an appointment for herself, although she did not share when. I suppose I'll find out this evening when I arrive for my own session.
In the meantime, yours truly needs a little time away and am really trying to rally the 'guy' troops for a Saturday luncheon at this great BBQ joint I found some weeks back. Hopefully I can round up a good 5-7 of my closest guy friends and get out to live a few hours in the sunshine with my male friends and no discussion about marriage woes.
Also my anxiety level today is much less...helps that work has been busy.
Well, I have 20 minutes left of work before I go to the marriage counselor solo today. My session is usually just over an hour, and I'm not sure what I feel like talking about today.
On another note, my wife supposedly agreed to go to counseling on her own now and also supposedly called to make an appointment for herself, although she did not share when. I suppose I'll find out this evening when I arrive for my own session.
In the meantime, yours truly needs a little time away and am really trying to rally the 'guy' troops for a Saturday luncheon at this great BBQ joint I found some weeks back. Hopefully I can round up a good 5-7 of my closest guy friends and get out to live a few hours in the sunshine with my male friends and no discussion about marriage woes.
April 20, 2009
Eye of the Storm (Part II)
With my in-laws now inside the house and my wife thinking that this is very odd to begin with, the kitchen door knocked again just a mere minute or two later, and in walks my father.
It is at this point my wife begins to see the pieces falling into place and her preliminary quizicle looks turns to an icy stare directed at me. Within an instant I see the transformation of her deamoner go from intrigue to pure betrayal and hardness.
"I can't believe you did this.", she directs solely to me, as if there is no one else in the house and thus begins to storm upstairs. I knew this reaction was coming, but even with two and then some weeks of preparation, it still wasn't enough for me to steel myself against that 'look.'
We all sat quiet for a second, not sure who was going to respond or break the ice first. Eventually it was her father who slowly took the stairs to the second level of our house and asked his daughter to come down and speak like an adult. By this time she had secreted away to our master bathroom and would not come out. Her dad gave her a minute or so and finally came down. It was my turn to try and I ascended to the op of the landing asking her to come and speak with us...and to me. My in-laws and father could not see her at this point, but she emerged from the vanity and stood defiantly in our bedroom, directing an outstretched pointed finger in my direction, gritting her teeth, eyes smoldering like coal and demanding why I brought her parents into 'our' problem.
I explained to her I really had no other choice. I had given her over two weeks to open up to me, to make a first step after giving her as much space as she needed, and during this whole time she never once displayed any inclination of ever wanting to fix or admit anything. No, I was pretty much done paying the price for something I didn't even know I was paying the price for, let alone be ignored for one more day longer. If this marriage is to be over, then she will have to make a decision of some sort today....no more "I need more time", or "I'm not willing to talk". That is acceptable to a point, but at our ages (39 both) the continued silence and wanton attitude of hers had reached its limit for me. Not that I was ever mad or angry...I was completely sad and heartbroken, and everyday it was becoming a worse and worse struggle to want to come home and deal with. No, something had to be answered today, at least for my own sanity, even if it was to be the worst words I ever wanted to hear...divorce...but by-golly, something was gonna give today....she was either going to start to meet me halfway, or she was going to move out.....and I had full support from her parents, her sister and brotehr-in-law, and my own parents.
I continued to stand my ground to ask her to come down and speak, although I was to be on the receving end of a few more minutes of scathing remarks and accusations. 'Betrayer' was the worst of them, because I never ever felt I betrayed her....but normal actions weren't getting us anywhere, just making me sicker and sicker by the day....affecting my appetite, my work, my concentration, my spirit, etc. As my sister-in-law once said, "It's time to pull the pin. Be ready for the fallout. It ain't gonna be pretty."
Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, and no one was going to leave anytime soon, she finally came downstairs, but refused to sit. No, she stood in the kitchen the entire time, eyes shifting from all of us or to the ground, but mostly towards me. Thank goodness my family was there and God was with me, otherwise I'm not sure I could have handled it on my own.
We didn't speak about alcohol or poor financial decsions, and in a way I'm glad. Perhaps those are battles for another time and will be dealt with in counseling. Today's purpose was to get my wife to agree to go to counseling for 'issues' that were not only troubling her, but tearing this marriage apart at the foundations. It was done with love and not accusations. It was done not as an ambush, but to get her to recognize that running away may be convienent in the short term, buying some time to sweep thinsg under the rug, but the pile had been building and building and building and something was about to pop....most likely me, and I wanted to ensure both my wife and my family that I was here to save my marriage and that I love my wife and I had not given up. I may have given up 3 years ago when I was struggling to find God again in the midst of depression and pharmacueticals and even considered cashing it all in (if you know what I mean). But I survived that dark time, and now I noticed parallels in my wife's life and I don't want her to suffer the same way I did, or to hurt anyone either intentionally or accidentally (through alcohol or some other stunt).
The goal is not to deny the past and the wrong doings, but to know that God is love, and there is a way out if you allow Him in and let others help. The goal is accept what has been done, accept responsibility, possibly nmake some changes (small at first), but to move in a direction from this point forward that moves the marriage to reconciliation and into a Godly light. The goal for this exact moment was to have her make a decision,....that this marriage was worth saving with her involvement, or she was going to have to leave...today....and the decsion was hers to make. I couldn't force her anymore to do anything, including to love me, but I didn't have to have her stay at my house if she wasn't going to try anything.
To be continued....
It is at this point my wife begins to see the pieces falling into place and her preliminary quizicle looks turns to an icy stare directed at me. Within an instant I see the transformation of her deamoner go from intrigue to pure betrayal and hardness.
"I can't believe you did this.", she directs solely to me, as if there is no one else in the house and thus begins to storm upstairs. I knew this reaction was coming, but even with two and then some weeks of preparation, it still wasn't enough for me to steel myself against that 'look.'
We all sat quiet for a second, not sure who was going to respond or break the ice first. Eventually it was her father who slowly took the stairs to the second level of our house and asked his daughter to come down and speak like an adult. By this time she had secreted away to our master bathroom and would not come out. Her dad gave her a minute or so and finally came down. It was my turn to try and I ascended to the op of the landing asking her to come and speak with us...and to me. My in-laws and father could not see her at this point, but she emerged from the vanity and stood defiantly in our bedroom, directing an outstretched pointed finger in my direction, gritting her teeth, eyes smoldering like coal and demanding why I brought her parents into 'our' problem.
I explained to her I really had no other choice. I had given her over two weeks to open up to me, to make a first step after giving her as much space as she needed, and during this whole time she never once displayed any inclination of ever wanting to fix or admit anything. No, I was pretty much done paying the price for something I didn't even know I was paying the price for, let alone be ignored for one more day longer. If this marriage is to be over, then she will have to make a decision of some sort today....no more "I need more time", or "I'm not willing to talk". That is acceptable to a point, but at our ages (39 both) the continued silence and wanton attitude of hers had reached its limit for me. Not that I was ever mad or angry...I was completely sad and heartbroken, and everyday it was becoming a worse and worse struggle to want to come home and deal with. No, something had to be answered today, at least for my own sanity, even if it was to be the worst words I ever wanted to hear...divorce...but by-golly, something was gonna give today....she was either going to start to meet me halfway, or she was going to move out.....and I had full support from her parents, her sister and brotehr-in-law, and my own parents.
I continued to stand my ground to ask her to come down and speak, although I was to be on the receving end of a few more minutes of scathing remarks and accusations. 'Betrayer' was the worst of them, because I never ever felt I betrayed her....but normal actions weren't getting us anywhere, just making me sicker and sicker by the day....affecting my appetite, my work, my concentration, my spirit, etc. As my sister-in-law once said, "It's time to pull the pin. Be ready for the fallout. It ain't gonna be pretty."
Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, and no one was going to leave anytime soon, she finally came downstairs, but refused to sit. No, she stood in the kitchen the entire time, eyes shifting from all of us or to the ground, but mostly towards me. Thank goodness my family was there and God was with me, otherwise I'm not sure I could have handled it on my own.
We didn't speak about alcohol or poor financial decsions, and in a way I'm glad. Perhaps those are battles for another time and will be dealt with in counseling. Today's purpose was to get my wife to agree to go to counseling for 'issues' that were not only troubling her, but tearing this marriage apart at the foundations. It was done with love and not accusations. It was done not as an ambush, but to get her to recognize that running away may be convienent in the short term, buying some time to sweep thinsg under the rug, but the pile had been building and building and building and something was about to pop....most likely me, and I wanted to ensure both my wife and my family that I was here to save my marriage and that I love my wife and I had not given up. I may have given up 3 years ago when I was struggling to find God again in the midst of depression and pharmacueticals and even considered cashing it all in (if you know what I mean). But I survived that dark time, and now I noticed parallels in my wife's life and I don't want her to suffer the same way I did, or to hurt anyone either intentionally or accidentally (through alcohol or some other stunt).
The goal is not to deny the past and the wrong doings, but to know that God is love, and there is a way out if you allow Him in and let others help. The goal is accept what has been done, accept responsibility, possibly nmake some changes (small at first), but to move in a direction from this point forward that moves the marriage to reconciliation and into a Godly light. The goal for this exact moment was to have her make a decision,....that this marriage was worth saving with her involvement, or she was going to have to leave...today....and the decsion was hers to make. I couldn't force her anymore to do anything, including to love me, but I didn't have to have her stay at my house if she wasn't going to try anything.
To be continued....
Eye of the Storm (Part I)
I wanted to start this entry with a verse, but the one that I had in mind elludes me right now. It had something to do letting Christ walk before you, leading the way as trials and tribulations occur. Although these events may be tests, (or maybe not) it is to be our submittal of will to Him, that will ensure that He sees us through these tumultous times. Maybe it will come to me later.
Friday evening, after work I was very surprised to have my wife invite me out with her friends. Though I didn't want to stay too long (as I was reminded of our dog needing to be fed and walked, and I too was so tired both physically and emotionally), I chose to go spend some time with her. It was fun, and for the almost two hours I was with her and her group, I was actually able to let my guard down and create a bubble within the time-space continum which is our crisis and have a good time. And I think my wife had a good time with me as well.
I was home by 7:30 pm, and I felt slightly guilty towards that I had left our dog alone for so long. I fed him, took a shower and sat down to watch TV. My wife had stayed a little longer and was home just before 9pm. We spent the rest of the evening just watching a bit of TV, and were both in bed no later than 11pm. I knew it was going to be D-day the next morning.
Totally out of character for a Saturday morning, my wife was up by 7am (she usually sleeps in much longer) and already making coffee. I rousted myself out of bed by 7:30 myself and to keep busy started doing chores. I did a load of laundry, water the plants, took in the trash cans, folded clothes, etc...keeping an eye on the clock as the next two hours seemed to drag on forever.
At roughly 9:15 (with only minutes to go before my in-laws and father were to show up), I went outside and had a cup of coffee in my drive way. My legs started to feel numb and I just wanted to get this all over with. My wife came out as well, just minutes later to have a cigarette and ask me what I was doing outside...."Just getting some fresh air.", I replied which was the truth, but I was also praying in earnest.
At 9:25am my in-laws car pulled up in front of the house, and my wife was clearly surprised. "What are you guys doing here?", she inquired.
Her mom spoke "Oh, we were in the neighborhood.....Do you have any coffee?"
To be continued....
Friday evening, after work I was very surprised to have my wife invite me out with her friends. Though I didn't want to stay too long (as I was reminded of our dog needing to be fed and walked, and I too was so tired both physically and emotionally), I chose to go spend some time with her. It was fun, and for the almost two hours I was with her and her group, I was actually able to let my guard down and create a bubble within the time-space continum which is our crisis and have a good time. And I think my wife had a good time with me as well.
I was home by 7:30 pm, and I felt slightly guilty towards that I had left our dog alone for so long. I fed him, took a shower and sat down to watch TV. My wife had stayed a little longer and was home just before 9pm. We spent the rest of the evening just watching a bit of TV, and were both in bed no later than 11pm. I knew it was going to be D-day the next morning.
Totally out of character for a Saturday morning, my wife was up by 7am (she usually sleeps in much longer) and already making coffee. I rousted myself out of bed by 7:30 myself and to keep busy started doing chores. I did a load of laundry, water the plants, took in the trash cans, folded clothes, etc...keeping an eye on the clock as the next two hours seemed to drag on forever.
At roughly 9:15 (with only minutes to go before my in-laws and father were to show up), I went outside and had a cup of coffee in my drive way. My legs started to feel numb and I just wanted to get this all over with. My wife came out as well, just minutes later to have a cigarette and ask me what I was doing outside...."Just getting some fresh air.", I replied which was the truth, but I was also praying in earnest.
At 9:25am my in-laws car pulled up in front of the house, and my wife was clearly surprised. "What are you guys doing here?", she inquired.
Her mom spoke "Oh, we were in the neighborhood.....Do you have any coffee?"
To be continued....
April 18, 2009
The Day of Reckoning
It is 7pm right now and I sit home alone as my wife left to visit her friends about an hour and a half ago.
She's angry right now and not in the mood to talk to me. While she says she doesn't 'hate' me right now, it's clear she doesn't want to be around me this evening. She feels betrayed and humiliated.
Last night she asked me to joing her for dinner, and we actually had a very nice time. For the first time in weeks, we were laughing and joking, and smiling, and while it wasn't perfect, it was the closest thing I've experienced to the old us...of years back...before the depression hit me.
For a brief minute I thought about calling the whole thing off today, but I knew in the back of my head that one evening of getting along doesn't make up for all the previosu weeks and months of heartbreak, tears and loneliness.
She awoke at 6:15 which is unusual for her on a Saturday morning, and I laid in bed staring at the cieling until just before 7am. 2.5 hours to go.
I came downstairs and had a cup of coffee...and again there she was on Facebook. I watched some recorded tv, and she glanced up from time to time, and Ikept looking at the clock. As we got closer to 9am, I began to get nervous. I knew it wasn't going to go well.
I received a text message on my cellphone. It was a gentleman from church who was wishingme luck and stating that I was in his prayers. My legs felt wobbly, and once again, just liek the Sunday before, I felt as if I were about to faint.
My in-laws shows up right on time, and when my wife saw them, became slightly suspicisous, but cordial to them. It's when my own father showed up in the driveway just minutes later did she finally start putting two and two together....and then there was the look directed towards me....the look of pure venom and daggers as she knew what was about to take place. If looks could kil, I received the death glare multiple times over and she scurried upstairs.
I called to her to come down, and after two or three minutes, her father went upstairs to ask her to come down.
I won't go into all the gory details, but the fact is my wife felt betrayed. She asked me how I could do this to her...that this was between her and I...and I just replied, I wish it were that simple, but since you will not and have not taken an opportunity to speak with me in over 12 days and I see no effort on your behalf to even attempt a meeting, I agreed for her parents to interject.
Her mother, her father, and myself took turns trying to speak in a calm and rational voice, but my wife was clearly in denial and anger. After presenting a few pieces of evidence from her parents, she finally admitted that she had problems, that she takes full resposnibility for them, but she wasn't ready. Her mother stepped up to the plate on my behalf and siad her actiosn and answeres were not acceptable, that it went beyond just our marriage, but how my wife has changed in general the last year or so. My father in law point blank asked her on what she was doing to save the marriage and what efforts that she had made, and she admitted that she had not done anything. They did it in a loving way and I felt that all the so called progress we made just the day before was starting to slip from my grasp once again.
I reiterated that I do not seek a divorce or speration, and neither did she....but it was clear that her anger towards me was tangoible for orchestrating such a coup. She then realized that her sister and brotehr-in-law was alos in on it as now it made sennse why they offered to take our step-daughter this weekend.
The whole talk lasted no more than an hour, and my wife relucantly agreed to make an appointment for a counsler next week. She promised both her mom and dad and said however that things weren't going to be fixed in a week or two, and I said I didn't expect them to be, but this was the first step. When everyone said it was going to get uglier beofre it gets better, they were all right. My family said I did the right thing, and they all said they were proud of me and reiterated that they know that I have given it my all....but why then do I feel so crappy and alone.
After everyone left by noon, it was apparant my wife is now going to avoid me and give me the cold shoulder. I expected it to a certain degree, but the look on her face spoke volumes....I am far from being out of the woods by any means, but I guess it;s a good idea she isn't staying her tonight. I hope she doesn't do anything to crazy or drink to much and get hurt.
My inlaws and father were happy with the answer she gave that she would go to counseling next week, and I suppose I just need to see and wait to see if it does come to fruition. This is indeed the very last step and chance. If she fails to comply, thenI know she didn't mean anything today, and that she doesn't want to try even though she said she does. I guess it's a stay for a week, and by next week...or two...I amy have to move forward by asking her to leave. But at least the big event is now over, and hopefully the healing can begin....but knowing the pride and stubborness of my wife....it's going to take all the patience I already don't have to mentally survive the next week or so. I already dread the silent treatment I kknow I am about to receive tomorrow when she returns.
She's angry right now and not in the mood to talk to me. While she says she doesn't 'hate' me right now, it's clear she doesn't want to be around me this evening. She feels betrayed and humiliated.
Last night she asked me to joing her for dinner, and we actually had a very nice time. For the first time in weeks, we were laughing and joking, and smiling, and while it wasn't perfect, it was the closest thing I've experienced to the old us...of years back...before the depression hit me.
For a brief minute I thought about calling the whole thing off today, but I knew in the back of my head that one evening of getting along doesn't make up for all the previosu weeks and months of heartbreak, tears and loneliness.
She awoke at 6:15 which is unusual for her on a Saturday morning, and I laid in bed staring at the cieling until just before 7am. 2.5 hours to go.
I came downstairs and had a cup of coffee...and again there she was on Facebook. I watched some recorded tv, and she glanced up from time to time, and Ikept looking at the clock. As we got closer to 9am, I began to get nervous. I knew it wasn't going to go well.
I received a text message on my cellphone. It was a gentleman from church who was wishingme luck and stating that I was in his prayers. My legs felt wobbly, and once again, just liek the Sunday before, I felt as if I were about to faint.
My in-laws shows up right on time, and when my wife saw them, became slightly suspicisous, but cordial to them. It's when my own father showed up in the driveway just minutes later did she finally start putting two and two together....and then there was the look directed towards me....the look of pure venom and daggers as she knew what was about to take place. If looks could kil, I received the death glare multiple times over and she scurried upstairs.
I called to her to come down, and after two or three minutes, her father went upstairs to ask her to come down.
I won't go into all the gory details, but the fact is my wife felt betrayed. She asked me how I could do this to her...that this was between her and I...and I just replied, I wish it were that simple, but since you will not and have not taken an opportunity to speak with me in over 12 days and I see no effort on your behalf to even attempt a meeting, I agreed for her parents to interject.
Her mother, her father, and myself took turns trying to speak in a calm and rational voice, but my wife was clearly in denial and anger. After presenting a few pieces of evidence from her parents, she finally admitted that she had problems, that she takes full resposnibility for them, but she wasn't ready. Her mother stepped up to the plate on my behalf and siad her actiosn and answeres were not acceptable, that it went beyond just our marriage, but how my wife has changed in general the last year or so. My father in law point blank asked her on what she was doing to save the marriage and what efforts that she had made, and she admitted that she had not done anything. They did it in a loving way and I felt that all the so called progress we made just the day before was starting to slip from my grasp once again.
I reiterated that I do not seek a divorce or speration, and neither did she....but it was clear that her anger towards me was tangoible for orchestrating such a coup. She then realized that her sister and brotehr-in-law was alos in on it as now it made sennse why they offered to take our step-daughter this weekend.
The whole talk lasted no more than an hour, and my wife relucantly agreed to make an appointment for a counsler next week. She promised both her mom and dad and said however that things weren't going to be fixed in a week or two, and I said I didn't expect them to be, but this was the first step. When everyone said it was going to get uglier beofre it gets better, they were all right. My family said I did the right thing, and they all said they were proud of me and reiterated that they know that I have given it my all....but why then do I feel so crappy and alone.
After everyone left by noon, it was apparant my wife is now going to avoid me and give me the cold shoulder. I expected it to a certain degree, but the look on her face spoke volumes....I am far from being out of the woods by any means, but I guess it;s a good idea she isn't staying her tonight. I hope she doesn't do anything to crazy or drink to much and get hurt.
My inlaws and father were happy with the answer she gave that she would go to counseling next week, and I suppose I just need to see and wait to see if it does come to fruition. This is indeed the very last step and chance. If she fails to comply, thenI know she didn't mean anything today, and that she doesn't want to try even though she said she does. I guess it's a stay for a week, and by next week...or two...I amy have to move forward by asking her to leave. But at least the big event is now over, and hopefully the healing can begin....but knowing the pride and stubborness of my wife....it's going to take all the patience I already don't have to mentally survive the next week or so. I already dread the silent treatment I kknow I am about to receive tomorrow when she returns.
April 17, 2009
Sublime Peace
It's 2:30 pm in the afternoon right now.....and I know I am less about 19 hours away from having the 'reality' check with my wife and family....and I feel oddly at peace right now.
That is...right now.
I'm sure that as time marches on to the inevitable hour, I may feel worse and get anxious again.
My sister in law just emailed me some pointers about tomorrow to keep the speech short, focused, and on topic. And minutes I received that email, my father called my cell phone to check in on me.
It's wierd, the last two weeks I have run through over 100 versions of almost the same speech over and over in my head, and the closer I get to the time...it seems the shorther my speech will be. It almost feels that it can be as short as "You either want to work on this marriage or not. If so, then you will go to counseling with me next Tuesday...and be on time with an open mind and allow your guard to be down. If not, then I'm sorry that our marriage means that little after 5 years that you won't even try or give at least one hour to it....so you must pack your essentials and leave the house today and you can call me when you are ready to get serious. End of story."
I can't let this drag on for hours and hours tomorrow, and I don't want to get into the blame game or pointing fingers. We both know the history and the score right now....it's not going to do us any good to to begin pointing fingers. You're either in, or you're out. No more waiting, no more guessing, no more stalls.
By this time tommorrow I will know if my marriage is salvageable or not.
That is...right now.
I'm sure that as time marches on to the inevitable hour, I may feel worse and get anxious again.
My sister in law just emailed me some pointers about tomorrow to keep the speech short, focused, and on topic. And minutes I received that email, my father called my cell phone to check in on me.
It's wierd, the last two weeks I have run through over 100 versions of almost the same speech over and over in my head, and the closer I get to the time...it seems the shorther my speech will be. It almost feels that it can be as short as "You either want to work on this marriage or not. If so, then you will go to counseling with me next Tuesday...and be on time with an open mind and allow your guard to be down. If not, then I'm sorry that our marriage means that little after 5 years that you won't even try or give at least one hour to it....so you must pack your essentials and leave the house today and you can call me when you are ready to get serious. End of story."
I can't let this drag on for hours and hours tomorrow, and I don't want to get into the blame game or pointing fingers. We both know the history and the score right now....it's not going to do us any good to to begin pointing fingers. You're either in, or you're out. No more waiting, no more guessing, no more stalls.
By this time tommorrow I will know if my marriage is salvageable or not.
Turning point?
Last night when my wife arrived home from work she finally read the two photo-copied chapters of "The Five languages of Love" I had given her two days before. I was hoping it would have opened a dialouge between us when she was done, and after a few minutes of silence (as if she was digesting it), I decided to break the ice.
I told her that I saw both of us laying particular roles in the stories that were illustrated...that perhaps neither once of us was actually wrong, but clearly our inability to connect, converse, and to relate to each other was at an all time high....and quite literally being the foundation of our marriage of five years erroding from underneath us. She listened to me, and although I was waiting for a response, it just never came. Instead, here we were with Facebook again starting at 8pm, and once her computer crapped out and wasn't responding somewhere around 10pm any longer, she switched to her mobile phone to get her fix. Other than that we had an enjoyable dinner... and I felt 'okay' at best.
We went to bed at around 11pm, and I knew I was tired. But my spirit was still restless. Here, in my mind, was yet another day that had come and gone with nothing resolved. At approx midnight I began to toss and turn and my heart began to pound with anxious engery. I felt that my wife was also stirring so I asked her some questions:
1) How do you feel about us? A: I dunno. (pause)
2) Do you want this marriage to work? Do you want to try? A: Yes...but it's not going to change overnight and I feel as if you are pushing it.
3) How so? I have given you plenty of space this last week and a half, doing exactly what the counsler ask me to do...to not call, email, give you space....and I feel I have been plenty patient, yet I feel as if you are 'indifferent' to the whole thing right now. A: As you said, it has only been a week and these things take time. My feeling can't adjust that quickly.
4) I realize that, and I know there is no magic wand that will cure our ills overnight....but you need to throw me a bone....give me a hint because this isn't working for me.
silence
I tried to roll over and go back to bed, but it just wasn't working for me. I went downstairs and attempted to sleep on the couch, but my puppy and best friend would not let me sleep. After trying unsuccessfully for an additional 30 minutes or so, I headed back upstairs and back to our bed to try and fall asleep.
Eventually somewhere around 2:30 I must have finally dozed off and was awoken at around 6:15 with my wife finally getting up. I laid in bed, under the covers, trying to keep warm and staring at the cieling. My thoughts turned to the fact it was Friday adn in approx 27 hours the confrontation would be just beginning.
To my surprise my wife came back in the bedroom around 6:40 am with a cup of coffee in hand and began to speak to me. I stayed in bed, and listened, and responded...making sure I did not raise my voice or get angry. The words began to tuble from her mouth, as they did mine, and I took note that I began to stutter on occassion and my mouth was like a desert....dry...while I searched for words. Overall, I'd like to think our conversation was productive. She finally admited that she has some issues. She said it may be PMS, or menapause, or stress, or a combination of things and admitted to some extend that I may unfairly be taking the brunt of it lately. She proclaimed that she would like to be a better communicator, but for some reason she just can't and she wants to work on it, but doesn't know how. I told her I am fully aware I need to make changes as well and that I recognize some areas in my life I also need to change, but tried to stay firm and make it clear that we 'both' had issues, not just me, and I can't continue to come home day after day after day and be kept at arms distance.
She also said she did not want to divorce and could see us together in the future. Well, that was indeed nice to hear, but I can only assume there is a price tag attached. And that price tag sure enough is that 'I have to prove' I mean it, and even if I bend over backawards and continue to bide my time, go to sessions of therapy, pray, and be the best husband I can possibly be....it's no guarantee that she's going to continue to open up to me or rally want to put some effort into it.
That's not good enough for me.
We said our vows before God and our families....again...for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. We both need to come to the meeting table and be willing to work on this right now....not just me.
There were some tears shed on her behalf, and I listened intently, making sure never to interupt her. I told her I know she wants her old husband back, the guy before the depression three years ago....but I also want my old wife back...the one who was caring and loving and excited to be around me as well.
She then questioned me out of the blue: "Have you spoken to my mom about this?" Uh, oh...I know this is a very, very delicate subject. She doesn't like me speaking to her mom about us, but she's going to find out anyway and lying isn't going to help my case. "Yes, I have spoken to her recently and my father."..."Even though I asked you not to?".."Yes, I spoke to them prior to you telling me not to, and I have every right to. They are family and since I cannot speak with you and you have been unwilling to speak with me, and I can't talk about this with people at work, and I'm not going to air my dirty laundry to the neighbors, I need to talk to someone and your mother always said I coudl come to her no matter what. I can't keep these emotions just bottled up inside me lest I explode. It's bad enough that I come home and we don't talk. This is our marriage we are talking about, and going to a paid counsler once a week for a timed hour is not enough to let me unload and feel healthy."
I could tell my wife was getting irritated at this point, but 'oh, well', really...this is the least of our problems if she is mad I am seeking counsel from family, especially when they offer their aid.
At this point I was looking at the clock and saw that if I didn't leave now, I would be late to work. I told her thank you for speaking with me, that I rally appreciate it, and that I'm not trying to cut and run, but I can't be late. I gave her a hug, and she hugged me back, tears in her eye and a little bit of anger in the feeling I betrayed her for speaking about our problems with the family....but she needs to get over this.....and I hoping that tomorrow despite her hostility and coldness right now, that something will be said or demonstrated that I am not giving up or walking away....that the ball is in her court, but if she doesn't agree to start working on us right away, that she needs to leave.
Please pray for me that all goes well tomorrow.
I told her that I saw both of us laying particular roles in the stories that were illustrated...that perhaps neither once of us was actually wrong, but clearly our inability to connect, converse, and to relate to each other was at an all time high....and quite literally being the foundation of our marriage of five years erroding from underneath us. She listened to me, and although I was waiting for a response, it just never came. Instead, here we were with Facebook again starting at 8pm, and once her computer crapped out and wasn't responding somewhere around 10pm any longer, she switched to her mobile phone to get her fix. Other than that we had an enjoyable dinner... and I felt 'okay' at best.
We went to bed at around 11pm, and I knew I was tired. But my spirit was still restless. Here, in my mind, was yet another day that had come and gone with nothing resolved. At approx midnight I began to toss and turn and my heart began to pound with anxious engery. I felt that my wife was also stirring so I asked her some questions:
1) How do you feel about us? A: I dunno. (pause)
2) Do you want this marriage to work? Do you want to try? A: Yes...but it's not going to change overnight and I feel as if you are pushing it.
3) How so? I have given you plenty of space this last week and a half, doing exactly what the counsler ask me to do...to not call, email, give you space....and I feel I have been plenty patient, yet I feel as if you are 'indifferent' to the whole thing right now. A: As you said, it has only been a week and these things take time. My feeling can't adjust that quickly.
4) I realize that, and I know there is no magic wand that will cure our ills overnight....but you need to throw me a bone....give me a hint because this isn't working for me.
silence
I tried to roll over and go back to bed, but it just wasn't working for me. I went downstairs and attempted to sleep on the couch, but my puppy and best friend would not let me sleep. After trying unsuccessfully for an additional 30 minutes or so, I headed back upstairs and back to our bed to try and fall asleep.
Eventually somewhere around 2:30 I must have finally dozed off and was awoken at around 6:15 with my wife finally getting up. I laid in bed, under the covers, trying to keep warm and staring at the cieling. My thoughts turned to the fact it was Friday adn in approx 27 hours the confrontation would be just beginning.
To my surprise my wife came back in the bedroom around 6:40 am with a cup of coffee in hand and began to speak to me. I stayed in bed, and listened, and responded...making sure I did not raise my voice or get angry. The words began to tuble from her mouth, as they did mine, and I took note that I began to stutter on occassion and my mouth was like a desert....dry...while I searched for words. Overall, I'd like to think our conversation was productive. She finally admited that she has some issues. She said it may be PMS, or menapause, or stress, or a combination of things and admitted to some extend that I may unfairly be taking the brunt of it lately. She proclaimed that she would like to be a better communicator, but for some reason she just can't and she wants to work on it, but doesn't know how. I told her I am fully aware I need to make changes as well and that I recognize some areas in my life I also need to change, but tried to stay firm and make it clear that we 'both' had issues, not just me, and I can't continue to come home day after day after day and be kept at arms distance.
She also said she did not want to divorce and could see us together in the future. Well, that was indeed nice to hear, but I can only assume there is a price tag attached. And that price tag sure enough is that 'I have to prove' I mean it, and even if I bend over backawards and continue to bide my time, go to sessions of therapy, pray, and be the best husband I can possibly be....it's no guarantee that she's going to continue to open up to me or rally want to put some effort into it.
That's not good enough for me.
We said our vows before God and our families....again...for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. We both need to come to the meeting table and be willing to work on this right now....not just me.
There were some tears shed on her behalf, and I listened intently, making sure never to interupt her. I told her I know she wants her old husband back, the guy before the depression three years ago....but I also want my old wife back...the one who was caring and loving and excited to be around me as well.
She then questioned me out of the blue: "Have you spoken to my mom about this?" Uh, oh...I know this is a very, very delicate subject. She doesn't like me speaking to her mom about us, but she's going to find out anyway and lying isn't going to help my case. "Yes, I have spoken to her recently and my father."..."Even though I asked you not to?".."Yes, I spoke to them prior to you telling me not to, and I have every right to. They are family and since I cannot speak with you and you have been unwilling to speak with me, and I can't talk about this with people at work, and I'm not going to air my dirty laundry to the neighbors, I need to talk to someone and your mother always said I coudl come to her no matter what. I can't keep these emotions just bottled up inside me lest I explode. It's bad enough that I come home and we don't talk. This is our marriage we are talking about, and going to a paid counsler once a week for a timed hour is not enough to let me unload and feel healthy."
I could tell my wife was getting irritated at this point, but 'oh, well', really...this is the least of our problems if she is mad I am seeking counsel from family, especially when they offer their aid.
At this point I was looking at the clock and saw that if I didn't leave now, I would be late to work. I told her thank you for speaking with me, that I rally appreciate it, and that I'm not trying to cut and run, but I can't be late. I gave her a hug, and she hugged me back, tears in her eye and a little bit of anger in the feeling I betrayed her for speaking about our problems with the family....but she needs to get over this.....and I hoping that tomorrow despite her hostility and coldness right now, that something will be said or demonstrated that I am not giving up or walking away....that the ball is in her court, but if she doesn't agree to start working on us right away, that she needs to leave.
Please pray for me that all goes well tomorrow.
April 16, 2009
3 days and counting
Yesterday I spent my lunch in solitude, reading Psalms 50 thru 58, and trying to digest them. I found some encouraging words buried within, but I also had to read sections over and over because my mind was still having issues focusing.
I realize I can't turn back at this point. On Saturday morning I must confront my wife with the support of my in-laws, my father, and the verbal support of by brothers in church and my sister and brother in law. It's not going to be easy by any means, and every hour that passes at this point just signifies another hour I am getting closer to most liekly hearing the fatal words I so do not want to hear. The words that she has indeed given up and does not want to salvage this.
My prayers have been nonstop and emotional the last few days and only seem to intensify. It's all I can do to focus on work and make it through the day without the uncontrollable events spin out and infiltrate and spill over into my work environment. I know my appetite has been affected, and I've probably lost close to 5 lbs in just stress alone these past two weeks. I know that because all my pants are noticeably looser the last few days.
Last night as my wife went out to play Bunco, I met a brother in the word for dinner. He shared with me his story of pain and divorce and seperation. It took him 7 years to recover and meet someone new. He told of the years of solitude and loneliness and quiet nights alone....something I dread...but what is the alternative? Sitting home with a wife who treats me as a roommate instead of a husband? It seems I sit in silence anyway as of late with no human interaction, touch, or warmth......and it's killing me inside slowly.
The clonzapen and sleeping pills have been my temporary friends as of late, only just so to make sure my heart doesn't seize up from stir-craziness or stress.
Last night when she arrived home, she was kind to me and briefly explained the rules and gameplay of Bunco. She spoke of future things like hosting an event at our house sometime down the road...something I think would be fun, and I was surprised to hear her even say that, but clearly she isn't ready or willing to talk about 'us' or our marriage. I'd really like that myself, but in the back of my mind I'm counting down hours until the 'confrontation' she doesn't suspect I have the spine to ever pull off. And if it wasn't for my family (both sides) and my church, I may not have had the spine to pull it off anyway.
I had photo-copied two chapters of 'The 5 languages of Love' and when stapled together are only a few pages in length and can be read in under 10 minutes. I gave it to her on Tuesday and asked that she would read them, and she said she would. I briefly inquired about it last night, and she responded that she had not read them as of yet....that she was too busy at work...but I can only observe that she is once again on Facebook, or playing Bunco. It bothers me that these things take priority over a request I made that should only take 10 minutes to complete. I can't force her to do these things, just pray and try to be patient, but all the signs now show me that she is indifferent. I finally said, "Well, if you get the chance, I'd like you to read them so we can discuss Thursday evening." That's tonight, but time will tell. It's my last attempt to see if she'll open up at all before Saturday.
I tried to call my mother-in-law last night but she wasn't available. I spoke to my dad this morning for a bit, just for some support, and I'm expecting my sister-in-law to call me later this afternoon and my mother in law as well. As time marches closer I do realize that I still do not feel angry.....just hurt and heartbroken....and I wonder how so many people struggle and go through this on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Marriages need 100% devotion and work....when one party begins to falter or give up...it unravels at a miraculous pace.
I realize I can't turn back at this point. On Saturday morning I must confront my wife with the support of my in-laws, my father, and the verbal support of by brothers in church and my sister and brother in law. It's not going to be easy by any means, and every hour that passes at this point just signifies another hour I am getting closer to most liekly hearing the fatal words I so do not want to hear. The words that she has indeed given up and does not want to salvage this.
My prayers have been nonstop and emotional the last few days and only seem to intensify. It's all I can do to focus on work and make it through the day without the uncontrollable events spin out and infiltrate and spill over into my work environment. I know my appetite has been affected, and I've probably lost close to 5 lbs in just stress alone these past two weeks. I know that because all my pants are noticeably looser the last few days.
Last night as my wife went out to play Bunco, I met a brother in the word for dinner. He shared with me his story of pain and divorce and seperation. It took him 7 years to recover and meet someone new. He told of the years of solitude and loneliness and quiet nights alone....something I dread...but what is the alternative? Sitting home with a wife who treats me as a roommate instead of a husband? It seems I sit in silence anyway as of late with no human interaction, touch, or warmth......and it's killing me inside slowly.
The clonzapen and sleeping pills have been my temporary friends as of late, only just so to make sure my heart doesn't seize up from stir-craziness or stress.
Last night when she arrived home, she was kind to me and briefly explained the rules and gameplay of Bunco. She spoke of future things like hosting an event at our house sometime down the road...something I think would be fun, and I was surprised to hear her even say that, but clearly she isn't ready or willing to talk about 'us' or our marriage. I'd really like that myself, but in the back of my mind I'm counting down hours until the 'confrontation' she doesn't suspect I have the spine to ever pull off. And if it wasn't for my family (both sides) and my church, I may not have had the spine to pull it off anyway.
I had photo-copied two chapters of 'The 5 languages of Love' and when stapled together are only a few pages in length and can be read in under 10 minutes. I gave it to her on Tuesday and asked that she would read them, and she said she would. I briefly inquired about it last night, and she responded that she had not read them as of yet....that she was too busy at work...but I can only observe that she is once again on Facebook, or playing Bunco. It bothers me that these things take priority over a request I made that should only take 10 minutes to complete. I can't force her to do these things, just pray and try to be patient, but all the signs now show me that she is indifferent. I finally said, "Well, if you get the chance, I'd like you to read them so we can discuss Thursday evening." That's tonight, but time will tell. It's my last attempt to see if she'll open up at all before Saturday.
I tried to call my mother-in-law last night but she wasn't available. I spoke to my dad this morning for a bit, just for some support, and I'm expecting my sister-in-law to call me later this afternoon and my mother in law as well. As time marches closer I do realize that I still do not feel angry.....just hurt and heartbroken....and I wonder how so many people struggle and go through this on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Marriages need 100% devotion and work....when one party begins to falter or give up...it unravels at a miraculous pace.
April 15, 2009
Critical Junctures
So much has been going on in terms of my personal life, more specifically my marriage the last few weeks/months, that is one of the main reasons for my lack of posts.
It seems that after 5 years of marriage (my 1st, her 2nd), it appears that my spouse...the woman whom I chose through better or worse, sickness and health, for richer or poorer in a Christian church is feeling a bit of a mid-life crisis right now and may (if she hasn't already) thrown in the towel on our vows.
Sure, I've documented our troubles on occassion here before, and I know may issues may stem from my bouts of depression a few years back, but it seems my wife has made new friends as of late...ones with a much more secular and carefree lifestyle, where alcohol is a common theme.
I can't say for sure my wife has slowly turned into an alcoholic. Just the thought of that doesn't jive too well with me, but her actions and the stories I hear from others, and behaviors she has been exhibiting lately surely are out of character for a 39 year old mother of one teenage daughter.
Church is out the window altogether, and any attempts at marriage counseling have been met with opposition. She almost remind me of myself a few years ago...a proverbial Dr. Jecyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.
It sucks to go home at this point, because even when she is there....she is not 'there', instead Facebook is the new drug of choice. Countless hours in the morning, the evening, on the mobile phone...all chatting with long lost high school friends who never seemed to have grown up. The one common theme I see repeated over and over again is 'party, party, party' and 'alcohol'.
Not every evening is wine induced personality, but it is indeed becomming more the rule than the exception at home.
I was recently told that I am no longer 'fun', 'spontaneous', 'carefree', and she can't live a sheltered life anylonger. Well, indeed, I'm not the same guy she started dating 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. Our financial responsibilities have more than doubled, we aged 7 more years, I became a re-dedicated Christian three years ago, and I don't feel the need to be blitzed every weekend with the neighbors. No, I have a new job, a higher mortgage, a responsibility to God, my wife, my step-daughter, and my family....I can't shirk the responsibilities I once easily could at a 20 something single man who lived with one foot in the secular world on a constant basis.
One thing I have learned...the pain. The pain and fear of losing a loved one....a wife....is very similar to a bad bout of depression. My sleeping patterns are all off kilter, as is my appetite, and focus on teh job. I am giving it my all....prayer, support, 110%, counseling for myself one again (it was meant for both of us but she refused to go to the second appointment...and what appears to be all future appointments at this point).
The last few days it was actually okay, and she even said felt 'normal' (whatever that means...as she has yet to define really any problem with definitive structure). But last night her mood swung 180 degrees in less than 5 seconds when I asked her to choose a channel and stick with it while we were in bed. It was 11:30 and I was trying to sleep, and she was channel surfing nonstop for 20 minutes straight. I asked her to please be considerate and choose a channel and before I knew it, she had her robe on, pillow and blanket in hand, slammed the bedroom door behind her and attempted to sleep on the couch.
I know I attempted to sleep, but my spirit was restless, heartbroken, and in shock. Forgive my french, but "what the hell just happened?", I thought.
My in-laws and father are coming over this Saturday morning for a psuedo intervention. I have been in disucssions with them for weeks now, and my sister and briother in law are in complete support as well. They know that it takes 2 in a marriage that can cause problems, and it takes 2 to work them out. Well, I'm trying and not getting any response. Oh the details of the past months are much more in depth with numerous examples of mood swings, erratic behavior, and stories that would make you cringe...but then I could fill volumes of posts....and they aren't all just about my wife. Sure, my buttons can be pushed as well, and I'd be naive in thinking that I had no role at all....but unfortunately my spouse, the woman I love, and want and pray for a reconcilliation with is in deep, deep, denial.
I'm scared for thsi Staurday. Many people have already told me it will get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. I am coming the slow and painful realization that my wife has given up for seemingly greener pastures elsewhere....a life that clearly doesn't include me any longer...but I know our current lifestyle/arrangement we call a marriage is a joke and one of us has to pull the pin on the grenade to shake things up. Accoriding to friends and family, I have allowed thsi to go on for too long, and even though the outcome may indeed be a worse case scenario, I need to do it now...sooner than later....or I will become a mentally/emotionally/spiritually damaged person again..and God all wants His children to be happy.
I won't file for divorce....at least not yet....I have to be positive I have given it every single ounce of effort I possibly can, and then find just enough to give a bit more. I need to look in the mirror and be happy in knowing that I tried, that I gave it my all, but I can't force love and I can't force reconcillation.
Yes my friends, this upcoming week may be the week where my life is altered yet again in a major way. By this time next week, my wife may be out of my house. And I am not happy about this at all....it kills me and eats away at me a little bit each day.
Please pray for me that I have the strength and wisdom to have the right words this Saturday and that I portray my words and actions out of love and forgiveness and not out of spite and anger. I do love my wife, I never stopped....but one of us did.
It seems that after 5 years of marriage (my 1st, her 2nd), it appears that my spouse...the woman whom I chose through better or worse, sickness and health, for richer or poorer in a Christian church is feeling a bit of a mid-life crisis right now and may (if she hasn't already) thrown in the towel on our vows.
Sure, I've documented our troubles on occassion here before, and I know may issues may stem from my bouts of depression a few years back, but it seems my wife has made new friends as of late...ones with a much more secular and carefree lifestyle, where alcohol is a common theme.
I can't say for sure my wife has slowly turned into an alcoholic. Just the thought of that doesn't jive too well with me, but her actions and the stories I hear from others, and behaviors she has been exhibiting lately surely are out of character for a 39 year old mother of one teenage daughter.
Church is out the window altogether, and any attempts at marriage counseling have been met with opposition. She almost remind me of myself a few years ago...a proverbial Dr. Jecyll & Mr. Hyde syndrome going on.
It sucks to go home at this point, because even when she is there....she is not 'there', instead Facebook is the new drug of choice. Countless hours in the morning, the evening, on the mobile phone...all chatting with long lost high school friends who never seemed to have grown up. The one common theme I see repeated over and over again is 'party, party, party' and 'alcohol'.
Not every evening is wine induced personality, but it is indeed becomming more the rule than the exception at home.
I was recently told that I am no longer 'fun', 'spontaneous', 'carefree', and she can't live a sheltered life anylonger. Well, indeed, I'm not the same guy she started dating 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. Our financial responsibilities have more than doubled, we aged 7 more years, I became a re-dedicated Christian three years ago, and I don't feel the need to be blitzed every weekend with the neighbors. No, I have a new job, a higher mortgage, a responsibility to God, my wife, my step-daughter, and my family....I can't shirk the responsibilities I once easily could at a 20 something single man who lived with one foot in the secular world on a constant basis.
One thing I have learned...the pain. The pain and fear of losing a loved one....a wife....is very similar to a bad bout of depression. My sleeping patterns are all off kilter, as is my appetite, and focus on teh job. I am giving it my all....prayer, support, 110%, counseling for myself one again (it was meant for both of us but she refused to go to the second appointment...and what appears to be all future appointments at this point).
The last few days it was actually okay, and she even said felt 'normal' (whatever that means...as she has yet to define really any problem with definitive structure). But last night her mood swung 180 degrees in less than 5 seconds when I asked her to choose a channel and stick with it while we were in bed. It was 11:30 and I was trying to sleep, and she was channel surfing nonstop for 20 minutes straight. I asked her to please be considerate and choose a channel and before I knew it, she had her robe on, pillow and blanket in hand, slammed the bedroom door behind her and attempted to sleep on the couch.
I know I attempted to sleep, but my spirit was restless, heartbroken, and in shock. Forgive my french, but "what the hell just happened?", I thought.
My in-laws and father are coming over this Saturday morning for a psuedo intervention. I have been in disucssions with them for weeks now, and my sister and briother in law are in complete support as well. They know that it takes 2 in a marriage that can cause problems, and it takes 2 to work them out. Well, I'm trying and not getting any response. Oh the details of the past months are much more in depth with numerous examples of mood swings, erratic behavior, and stories that would make you cringe...but then I could fill volumes of posts....and they aren't all just about my wife. Sure, my buttons can be pushed as well, and I'd be naive in thinking that I had no role at all....but unfortunately my spouse, the woman I love, and want and pray for a reconcilliation with is in deep, deep, denial.
I'm scared for thsi Staurday. Many people have already told me it will get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. I am coming the slow and painful realization that my wife has given up for seemingly greener pastures elsewhere....a life that clearly doesn't include me any longer...but I know our current lifestyle/arrangement we call a marriage is a joke and one of us has to pull the pin on the grenade to shake things up. Accoriding to friends and family, I have allowed thsi to go on for too long, and even though the outcome may indeed be a worse case scenario, I need to do it now...sooner than later....or I will become a mentally/emotionally/spiritually damaged person again..and God all wants His children to be happy.
I won't file for divorce....at least not yet....I have to be positive I have given it every single ounce of effort I possibly can, and then find just enough to give a bit more. I need to look in the mirror and be happy in knowing that I tried, that I gave it my all, but I can't force love and I can't force reconcillation.
Yes my friends, this upcoming week may be the week where my life is altered yet again in a major way. By this time next week, my wife may be out of my house. And I am not happy about this at all....it kills me and eats away at me a little bit each day.
Please pray for me that I have the strength and wisdom to have the right words this Saturday and that I portray my words and actions out of love and forgiveness and not out of spite and anger. I do love my wife, I never stopped....but one of us did.
March 31, 2009
Please pray for me
If anyone just so happens to stop by this site today, please pray for me.
I really need it. I have a decision to make in the coming days regarding my life and my spouse. I'm actually taking personal time today from work to meet with them in person to discuss 'issues' and need to figure out if these last 5 years of my life are what I need to continue to fight for.
I really need it. I have a decision to make in the coming days regarding my life and my spouse. I'm actually taking personal time today from work to meet with them in person to discuss 'issues' and need to figure out if these last 5 years of my life are what I need to continue to fight for.
March 25, 2009
Can you have depression and know God?
This topic came up rather impromptly the other day during a discussion I was having with some men regarding the indwelling of the Holy Spirit within us upon acceptance of Christ and the continued temptations of Satan and his minions afterwards and the failings of the flesh.
I was a bit astounded when one of the men, generally accepted as a mentor or leader of the group, made a comment that if you have God in your life and in your heart, you cannot have depression.
This automatically raised my internal flag as to not sounding right on various levels and I needed some further clarification. In the past, and admittedly even today I still question my own progress and growth in spiritual faith when I feel slightly down. The question creeps in "If I know God and place my trust into Him, why do I feel crappy?"
I had shared very minimally my past with one or two of the men present but never to the details of suicide or just how deeply depressed I was. To my surprise, this blanket statment seemed to have hit a chord with quite a few of the men who also seemed to question this revelation.
"Depression is the absence of 'hope', and if you know and believe and trust in your God's word, then you also have 'hope'. I submit that if you have no 'hope' then you do not know God."
Take a few minutes to let that sink in, as I have the last few days myself. Now this might not sit 100% well with you, and trust me, it didn't sit exactly hunky-dory with the rest of us either until more explanations and definitions were given.
We came to the agreement over the course of the next half hour or so that the term 'depression' is taken for granted and encompases such a variety of conditions it has been accepted by most people today to mean everything from "I had a moment" to "I had a bad day" to further degrees of "I want to kill myself and I hate everything in sight."
Perhaps those that had a "bad day", just really had a "bad day" and aren't really depressed to begin with.
It was also agreed that chemical imbalances in the head are not symptomatic of not being a believer of not having hope. Some people do indeed have a real physcial problem in which the brain is not producing the correct levels of serotonin or hormones. It's not because they haven't accepted Christ or know the word of God, but their nueral transmitters really not firing off correctly in the brain.....This is a far cry from saying "I feel depressed today because it's gloomy and cold and rainy oustide."
The mentor submitted to us, that a good portion of depression outside of 'real' chemical imbalance and sickness lies with the fact we make eveything out to be about 'us'. That is, the focus of events are no longer about God and His plan, but we selfishly shift the focus unto ourselves.
One of the best ways to break this cycle is to shift the focus off of ourselves and back to Him and in helping others. One man said the cure is a 10 step process.....Do something nice for someone else...and then do it at least 9 more times. The thought process being is that we are blessed when we help someone else out and it takes our minds off of our own problems. Continue to do this and you have no time for your mind to beat yourself down as it is occupied elsewhere. If occupied in doing things for others not only are you investing in eternal rewards in heaven, you chances for sinking into depression are reduced.
The more I think about this....the more it begins to make sense....at least it does to me. So I've been chewing on this the last few days now and am trying to make a mental note of doing things not for myself but for my wife, my neighbors, my coworkers....even when I really don't want to...because at the end of the day it's not about me...
But then again, it always nice to sit back and pontificate on 'what should be', but to put in practice is something entirely different.
I was a bit astounded when one of the men, generally accepted as a mentor or leader of the group, made a comment that if you have God in your life and in your heart, you cannot have depression.
This automatically raised my internal flag as to not sounding right on various levels and I needed some further clarification. In the past, and admittedly even today I still question my own progress and growth in spiritual faith when I feel slightly down. The question creeps in "If I know God and place my trust into Him, why do I feel crappy?"
I had shared very minimally my past with one or two of the men present but never to the details of suicide or just how deeply depressed I was. To my surprise, this blanket statment seemed to have hit a chord with quite a few of the men who also seemed to question this revelation.
"Depression is the absence of 'hope', and if you know and believe and trust in your God's word, then you also have 'hope'. I submit that if you have no 'hope' then you do not know God."
Take a few minutes to let that sink in, as I have the last few days myself. Now this might not sit 100% well with you, and trust me, it didn't sit exactly hunky-dory with the rest of us either until more explanations and definitions were given.
We came to the agreement over the course of the next half hour or so that the term 'depression' is taken for granted and encompases such a variety of conditions it has been accepted by most people today to mean everything from "I had a moment" to "I had a bad day" to further degrees of "I want to kill myself and I hate everything in sight."
Perhaps those that had a "bad day", just really had a "bad day" and aren't really depressed to begin with.
It was also agreed that chemical imbalances in the head are not symptomatic of not being a believer of not having hope. Some people do indeed have a real physcial problem in which the brain is not producing the correct levels of serotonin or hormones. It's not because they haven't accepted Christ or know the word of God, but their nueral transmitters really not firing off correctly in the brain.....This is a far cry from saying "I feel depressed today because it's gloomy and cold and rainy oustide."
The mentor submitted to us, that a good portion of depression outside of 'real' chemical imbalance and sickness lies with the fact we make eveything out to be about 'us'. That is, the focus of events are no longer about God and His plan, but we selfishly shift the focus unto ourselves.
One of the best ways to break this cycle is to shift the focus off of ourselves and back to Him and in helping others. One man said the cure is a 10 step process.....Do something nice for someone else...and then do it at least 9 more times. The thought process being is that we are blessed when we help someone else out and it takes our minds off of our own problems. Continue to do this and you have no time for your mind to beat yourself down as it is occupied elsewhere. If occupied in doing things for others not only are you investing in eternal rewards in heaven, you chances for sinking into depression are reduced.
The more I think about this....the more it begins to make sense....at least it does to me. So I've been chewing on this the last few days now and am trying to make a mental note of doing things not for myself but for my wife, my neighbors, my coworkers....even when I really don't want to...because at the end of the day it's not about me...
But then again, it always nice to sit back and pontificate on 'what should be', but to put in practice is something entirely different.
March 24, 2009
I think I just need a hobby (part III)
So I had a pleasant time at the Train Expo this past weekend. I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting, since I've never been to one before, but I'm happy I went. I had a chance to speak to a couple of guys who were in model train clubs and seemed very excited to share with me their expereinces and a chance to show off their work.
What I learned very quickly is that this is a hobby that consists of some serious investment and time in all of its aspects. Something that I 'could' see myself getting into, however, I do realize that I may have some restraints right now when it comes to both finances and room.
I would need some open space inside my house to build a platform and layout, and some basic carpentry and electrical skills to get the bare basics done. Then it's designing an actual layout that fits, purchasing the train, the track, the controllers, decoding chips, and other basic stuff. At that point you bascially just have a train going in a circle on some plywood. Then comes the serious stuff - decorations, landscaping, props, and kits. Depending on how realistic you want to go and decide on a specific theme, it may cost quite a bit before you even know it and takes years and patience to develop.
The good news is, I enjoy tinkering, creativity, and of course model building. The bad news is once again, I don't have space, money, or spousal support on my side. If I have to be really honest with myself right now, it appears that this hobby may be relegated to viewing other peoples layouts and designs and going to future tradeshows and conventions only to look.
Perhaps my quest for a hobby needs to continue, although the podcasting ideas continue to flourish within my mind and another friend is currently encouraging me to get back into photography...something I also enjoyed in years past and is making it possible for me to afford a new digital camera.
What I learned very quickly is that this is a hobby that consists of some serious investment and time in all of its aspects. Something that I 'could' see myself getting into, however, I do realize that I may have some restraints right now when it comes to both finances and room.
I would need some open space inside my house to build a platform and layout, and some basic carpentry and electrical skills to get the bare basics done. Then it's designing an actual layout that fits, purchasing the train, the track, the controllers, decoding chips, and other basic stuff. At that point you bascially just have a train going in a circle on some plywood. Then comes the serious stuff - decorations, landscaping, props, and kits. Depending on how realistic you want to go and decide on a specific theme, it may cost quite a bit before you even know it and takes years and patience to develop.
The good news is, I enjoy tinkering, creativity, and of course model building. The bad news is once again, I don't have space, money, or spousal support on my side. If I have to be really honest with myself right now, it appears that this hobby may be relegated to viewing other peoples layouts and designs and going to future tradeshows and conventions only to look.
Perhaps my quest for a hobby needs to continue, although the podcasting ideas continue to flourish within my mind and another friend is currently encouraging me to get back into photography...something I also enjoyed in years past and is making it possible for me to afford a new digital camera.
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