Holding it together

I don't know why, but in the last hour or so today I have had an overwhelming sense of dread.

I had a dream last night, very vivid and very detailed in regards to my marriage. In it my wife basically said that she was "going to the marriage counseling sessions but it hadn't changed anything....that she was still no longer in love with me." I awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, at 2:40am this morning and it took me a while to fall back asleep.

I realize it's just a dream and a manifestation of my deepest fears, but the last two days I was doing 'okay', and today I feel like a wreck. I'm barely keeping it together right now, and have already had to take a brief walk outside to hide and hold back the tears in my eyes.

One of the guys from church called me today to check in, and another friend texted me to lend support, but it's not enough right now.

I can't push my wife, lest I drive her away, but she didn't speak to me yesterday about her session, and I have no clue if she's going to go again. She did agree to go out to dinner with me on Friday night....I hinted at it as if it were a date, but I'm not sure she picked up on that. And today when I kissed her goodbye before I went to work, I told her I loved her....but there was no response back. I didn't want to show that it botehred me, but inside it hurts really bad.

It also hurts that I want to be close and intimaet with her, and yet we have been physically apart for almost 3 months now, even though we are under the same roof.

I've got so much on my mind today, and the stess of work isn't helping out in that realm either. I feel contained and holding in my energy and internal rage, afraid to let out a primal scream and let loose like a rabid and feral animal. That's not very grown up of me, and yet that's how I feel.

My motehr in-law called me today as well to see how I'm doing....they are going on vacation today for the next 12 days and so I feel I have another support mechanism lost for now.

Lord, please hear my prayers and see me through this day and the next. Please give me a sign, or have my wife open up to me to see how thinsg are going between us.