Interlude: I snapped

This posts origin has at least one of its tendrils in our recent financial woes.

About 1.5 weeks ago, I got the property tax invoice from the county, and the first payment of two is due around the first week of December. I can't pay it. The only way I can is to take a loan out on my 401K, which I have never done since I started saving money in a 401k almost 20 years ago.

As I also alluded to in my last entry, my wife and I are combining accounts, and it's taking longer than it should be. Of course my wife feels out of control when her company screwed up the first attempt at direct deposit, and God forbid she actually stay on top of it herself and follow-up with anyone. Same thing happened with her debt consolidation....it was magically going 'nowhere'...until I jumped in and took control. It's not just my wife. I really hate the excuse no matter who it is: "I called and left a message a week ago and am awaiting a call back." Um, ever heard the saying 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'? Especially when it comes to money. I follow up and if someone doesn't call me back when they say, I don't wait another week and cross my fingers. No, I call the next day. I write down names and times. Yeah, maybe that's anal, and perhaps taking on more than I usually have to, but as yet another saying goes "If you want done things right, you gotta do it yourself." Problem is, I've been doing that so long (that is taking the reigns) I've learned I really can't trust others to follow through.....or perhaps they are the smart ones and I'm the idiot because they know if they 'slack' long enough, I'll do it eventually.

Whoa, I really do have ADHD, I'm so far off topic right now.

Okay, coming back around....

So in addition to that, we've been shorthanded at work and I've been having to cover other people. It was also my review at work, so I've been trying even harder to put out that extera effort and be visible and not complain about things. It's also been raining and my poor dog can't get a decent walk in. My stepdaughter has been putting us through the ringer (any 18 year old will do that) and my cholesterol medicine makes me super tired. I mean I can fall asleep at my desk if given the chance, so I've actually been going to bed earlier at night to compensate. I've missed church a few times, beating myself up in my head, and trying to make up for it my reading the Word, listening to Christian radio, and even woke up early on Sunday to watch a televangelist at 6:30am the other day.

Through all this, I forgot to take my 'happy pills' here and there on occasion so my chemistry is a bit unstable.

So the other day, I was going through my regular boring routine, taking note of yet another 'rinse and repeat' type of day when my mother called. Well, she's a tad impatient as well, but in another realm of my own impatience. She was a bit miffed and felt 'inconvienced' when I didn't call her back from the message she left me at home or on my cell phone. The thing is I hadn't been home yet to hear the message, and since I was in meeting all day at work, my cell phone was on mute. So I missed the 5 attempts she tried getting a hold of me in three hours. Yes, 5 attempts in three hours...all for an umbrella....a $15 dollar umbrella she thought she left at my house and was pissed she couldn't find it, and apparently I need to be on 30 second response duty for said umbrella whereabouts.

So, when I explained to her I hadn't been home, why not try calling my daughter or wife, she exclaimed she already did. So, lets review shall we? In the span of three hours my mother called my wife, my stepdaughter on her cellphone, and 5 times to me. That's 7 times looking for a $15 umbrella. When I did finally get a hold of her to tell her the umbrealla wasn't on our porch, she grilled me why I don't pick up my phone and then jumped to the conclusioon one of my neighbors stole it. I tried to explain logically that's ridiculous....who would go on our porch, in the dark, and even know the umbrealla is there to begin with to steal? There isn't a rash of umbrella thieves in the area that I'm aware of.

Needless to say, I was then told I was being rude and the next time I needed 'help' of any kind, don't bother calling her. That hurt my feelings. So....with all the stuff piling up as of late...and perhaps the lack of happy pills....I snapped. I went from minding my own business/content...to a sailor on a verbal bender the likes of which I haven;t done in years. My hot button was pushed, and if I were a cartoon, you'd see steam shooting from both ears, my eye's popping out, and my forehead turning bright red.

By the time I got off the phone it was all I could do to not pick up the closest object in huck it across the room. At this point my wife came home and tried to calm me down, and the best thing she could do (and she did) was listen to me vent. Oh, and I vented. For a good half hour straight. I used more curse words in that 30 minutes that I think I've used in the last year.

I ended up pouing myself a drink (not smart, or an answer to any problem by the way kids), and then taking a super hot shower to drain my stress and anger away, but not before I almost broke my hand by punching a tile wall (also stupid, but luckily no damage).

An hour later, once my rational mind came back into play, I realized right then and there why it is important to be diligent in taking my pills. I was a raving verbal lunatic, who knows how long I was simmering like that just under the surface.

So here we are a few days later: I've made sure I've taking my pill everday since then. And my mom called yesterday to apologize. After some reflection, she beleives she was in the wrong for the things she said and how she handled the situation over an umbrella. I didn't tell her about my rage afterwards, but I forgive her and myself and I realize I hate that part of me...the wild man with a potty mouth....but sometimes the stress is so much. God, it is so much.

There's a song by a band called 'Depeche Mode' that's entitled "Try walking in my shoes" To me it's so apropos:

I would tell you about the things
They put me through
The pain I've been subjected to
But the Lord himself would blush
The countless feasts laid at my feet
Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes

Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate's made of me
But I promise now, my judge and jurors
My intentions couldn't have been purer
My case is easy to see

I'm not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I've been through
And before we talk of any repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept

If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

The Forgotten Updated (part II)

Actually, this really isn't what I wanted to talk about at all today, but looking back at my last post, I know I said this would be the next entry.

Financially, a lot has happened to both my wife and I over the course of our marriage. Notice that I don't say 'our' financials, because up until very recently (and still not 100% completed) our finances were seperate.

I won't rehash history here (that's what the archives are for), but to put it out there simply here is the brief synopsis: 1) My wife had filed for bankruptcy just prior to our marriage, 2) She's not very good with money or understanding the responsibility of money, 3) We bought a house on the upswing of the market probably paying a tad bit more than we should have, 4) I had a nice paying job that I lost and was unemployed for a few month eventually taking a lower paying job, 5) My 11 year old car died and I bought a new car and financed it for 4 years with larger than I'd liek to admit monthly payments, 6) My step-daughetr came to live with us full time, thus increasing all our monthly bills and responsibilities, without the raises in this economy to make that transition easier, 7) My wife never learned her lesson and despite my constant pleading ran up a new set of credit cards she eventually couldn't pay for. 8) We both dislike our jobs, make less than we did 5 years ago and our bills have increased.

Sound like 75% of the rest of the country? Yeah, I don't expect much sympathy. I will tell you that I don't look for handouts or try to cheat the government, and I although neither one of us may care for our jobs or the people that are a part of them, we both work hard and at times have picked up occasional side jobs or began selling things of ours, or cutting out previous luxuries and making plenty of sacrifices along the way.

At times it seems it's all I can do to keep our heads above water. We have eaten plenty of spaghetti, many of PB&J sandwiches for lunch, or just plain skip breakfast. We've learned to shop with coupons, take advantage of sales, buy generic, and stretch things out as long and as far as we can. My wife has made tremendous strides forward in this realm lately, but it took her getting pounded into the sand again even with all the warning signs and headsup one can give before she really recognized the situation.

It used to really bother me, and I'll admit, it still does at times that she used to 'dismiss' my financial advice, thinking I was more of a nag or combative than I was a person trying to guide her. I used to say "Why would I steer you wrong? What happens to you, both directly and indirectly affects me. It in in yours, mine, and "our" best interest to look at your spending habits." I think she may be honest today in saying that she was in denial before. What I would say and she would dismiss, her parents would then backup what I was saying all along, and then she'd be okay with it, as if tehre was no way I could possibly know what I was talking about, despite the fact my credit was stellar and hers was in the shitter.

A few months back, the old pattern came back around and culminated once again with various creditors and bancks calling our house at all times of the day looking for my wife. Her strategy? Run and hide and maybe they'll go away. On the contrary, fees began piling up again, the calls didn't stop and now letters coming to the door. I told her I couldn't and wouldn't help anylonger. That's the truth....I was/am still having my own financial issues and already gave up so much that I didn't have just spare change lying about to hand out. At one point I was literally rolling tubes of pennies to take to the gas station to put gas in my car.

My wife finally turned to her parents, and thank goodness they put their own foot down and didn't cave in like last time. Now they wanted to see my wifes bank records, canceled statements, and demanded she cut up her cards before they even entertained helping/bailing her out again. I finally got the support I was looking for....I imagine it was there all along actually, but my wife was so embarrassed and running out of stories and excuses to keep her parents and I from all getting on the same page and piece together what the heck happened.

It was one of those very long nights again, when my mother-in-law showed up at our house, and patiently, yet firmly and lovingly, made my wife lay all her cards out on the table. I even learned a few things that night I was both surprised and furious with. My fury gave way to disapointment and then to a sense of 'helplessness'. I recall sitting on our couch doing all the math in my head once I got an idea of the 'whole picture', and I resigned myself to the fact that I'll never being going on any vaction anytime soon, or I'll have to retire late in life (if at all) and that my favorite hobbies and dreams of today (what little are left to begin with) all have to be shelved yet again.

As I heard my wife speak more and more about 'her' (and what is really 'our') situation, my mind forgot we were even married. A few thoughts I had: 1) How the hell did I not see this coming? 2) How did she allow this to happen yet again? 3) Is she seriously thinking that everything is okay? Is she that blind? That far in denial? That far out of touch in reality? 4) How many more crappy sandwiches am I going to have to eat? 5) When can I buy myself any new toy, book, game, or small gadget? 6) And yes, "Why did I marry her again? My life was so much more simple and carefree and secure when I was single...

To be continued......

The Forgotten Update (Part I)

I just realized I left two big things out there from almost a month ago and haven't said anything since.

One was in reagrds to me visiting the doctor, and the other was my wife's (and thus mine as well by default) financial issues.

Well, I'll tackle the health one here in this post.

Approx. two weeks ago I had my physical. It went 'okay' and I explained to the doctor some of my 'bleeding' issues below. The doctor took a look at my bum, if you will, and used a device to look a bit 'more closely'. It was a tad uncomfortable, and the doctor didn't see anything out of place or abnormal. Most likely it is brough on by stress, and I'm happy to say I haven't bled in close to two months now.

I've dropped a few pounds since last year. I'm currently 227lbs, down from 236 last year, but of course the doctor would like to see me closer to 200-210 for my height and frame.

My blood work came back pretty much normal, liver looks good, white blood cell count, blah, blah, blah. However, my cholesterol is still a bit high. I'm in the 220 range and so the doctor put me on a perscription of generic Lipitor and I need to go back in two months. I still contend I eat somewhat healthier than the average person, and while I don't workout as much as I used to, I still am a bit more active than the average person.

It must be genetics, because as I explained to the doctor I can't even remember the last time I had shrimp, lobster, eggs, or whole milk. I use egg substitute, drink 1% milk if and when I actually drink milk, and really cut back on the buffalo wings (a personal favorite I crave).

Doctor told me to get my heart rate up when I exercise (i.e. fast walking or bike riding instead of weight lifting), eat much more fish and veggies, and cut back on red meats. So these last two weeks I have done just that. I've been eating a higher fiber cereal, cutting back on any cheese (not eliminating, but cutting back), having tuna and more fish, and steamed veggies with Smart Balance butter. I may start taking fish oil tablets as well. I also rode the bike at the gym this last weekend and will do so again this weekend as well.

Anyway, I go back in two months to see if I improved.

As far as the Happy Pills go, I'm on a new regime of 'Citropram'(?), basically a Lexapro substitute. I started off on 20mg, and now am down to 10mg a day. They usually say it takes at least 2-3 weeks for your body to adjust, but I could tell in just one week. I do feel more 'even keel' and I know this stuff works. My mood swings are much more controlled that before and I haven't had a 'crying' fit since. The only side effect: sexual. How do I say this in the best decorum(?): I can still get aroused, there is no issue there at all.....but it's hard for me to achieve a 'finished state' which can be a bit frustrating for both of us, but probably moreso for myself. I get right to the 'edge', and then stay there until I'm too tired or sore to continue, and thus I'm the one that feels a bit cheated in the end.

Next: financials

Is my wife starting to take notice?

By nature, both my wife and I are not morning people. I do adjust a lot faster in the AM than my wife does once I have a cup of coffee. I tend to be usually much more active and productive in the morning than most people once I have my caffiene, but I do tend to operate alone. I'm not one for small talk, idle banter, or "cheery good mornings" first thing upon waking.

Neither is my wife. She actually tends to sleep in a bit longer than myself, although she does go to bed a bit later than me on average as well. However, I noted that the last few weeks, she has been sleeping less and even getting up earlier than me during the week, whereas I have actually been sleeping a bit better and later.

I usually get up at around 6:15 and feed the dog by 6:30, and very rarely do I get to go back to bed for any kind of snoozing. Lately, however, since my wife has been getting up earlier and feeding the dog, I've been lucky and been able to sleep in until 7am or even 7:15.

Why the chnage in my wifes behavior?

Her own stress.

As I mentioned, it's been a little dicey as of late with our finances. I've been doing my best taking care of the big things, and trying to cover her shortfalls as well, but this has drained our saving (I should say 'my' saving as we have seperate accounts) where I can't cover her anylonger. I think she knows this now. We both have made plenty of sacrifices over the last year, and even more so over the last couple of months.

It's been a struggle, but we survive. There's been no vacations, no luxuries, no frivolous spendings. There has been more bagged lunches, cheap dinners, and making other household goods stretch a bit further and longer.

It's been an adjustment for both of us, and while I can't say it's been easy or that I like it, we've been dealing with it. What else can we do but deal with it? But I really can't make any more sacrifices myself. Other than a single magazine subscription that I just renewed and the occasional used book or discounted game, there really isn't anything left for me to cut out. (A nice side benefit I suppose is the fact I'm hardly buying any more liquor either....just an odd side note).

But how did we get here? Well, as I've said before, and I think I am being as honest and fair as I can possibly be, my wife hasn't done us any favors in the past with her spending habits. No, she doesn't go out and buy $200 dresses or $100 shoes. She doesn't drive a fancy car or expensive furniture. She does however tend to put a lot of crap on credit cards including lunches with girlfriends. She gets her nails done a lot, and seems to get a lot of other small stuff. The problem is this: her credit cards are already at very high interest rates and all she does is make the minimum payments. She is also generous with her friends for lunches, also charging these, and maybe the generosity is always 'reciprocated'. So over time, the interest alone is beginning to outpace what she can pay onthe minimum payments. Now it didn't happen overnight, but despite my warnings and naggings and her assurances....what wasn't supposed to happen did....I'm just the only one who isn't in denial about it.

Okay, that's neither here nor there at this point. Suffice to say my wife's current paychecks are basically spent now as soon as she gets them....either to credit card companies or 'fees' assessed by the bank on bounced checks and overdraft protection. It's not that I am ignorant of any of this, it's just that I kinda gave up for right now and find my stress level is much lower if I don't know every detail.

Well, while this may work a bit for my stress, it apprantly has caught up with my wife and now she is stressed out...much more than she leads on.

So this morning, as I came downstairs, getting my coffee fix, and trying to wake myself up, my wife begins to talk to me of her own free will:

I guess she went to her mother sometime this last week and asked for her mother to co-sign a loan fro $10k. This will supposedly pay off her credit cards, and also get the bank off her back. She told me that she has already closed one account and that she is going to get rid of her public storage unit that she is 2 payments behind on (and something I've been lobbying to get rid of for years). She wants to close her checking account and have her check deposited into my account and allow me to be in charge of all the bills. I would give her a weekly allowance. She even mentioned she may have to temporarily give up her *bowling* league for a season (a re-occuring weekly cost of $25-50 every Monday evening).

So I think it is finally sinking into her that she is over her head and all her hard work and long hours is only covering her late fees and interest...that past actions and decisons *she* made has put *us* in a bind.

Now is it 100% her doing? No. I've done a few splurgings on occassion. I've let my eyes be bigger than my wallet here and there. But our situation is 80% my wife and 20% me. I know that may not seem fair or nice, but since we do have seperate accounts, and money isn't pooled, it's easy for me to do the math. I know exactly everything I pay for, and while it's tight, and I skip a lunch here and there, I don't have the bank calling me up and I do not have late fees.

So here's the big caveat to the loan fro my wife. Her mother only agreed to co-sign if we both had a sit down talk with her and bring our bank statements. Her mother admitted this may be a huge invasion of privacy, but I can't blame her. She isn't going to go in on a loan for her daughter if she can't get an accurate accounting of where the current money is going.

I really don't have a problem with this at all. I have nothing to be ashamed of or hide from my mother-in-law. My accounting is rock solid and my spending habits can be all justified. I think my wife is more nervous, as now she won't just have to passify me, but now explain to her mom and most likely her dad. I feel a stern, yet loving, lecture coming our way, and I'm okay with it.

I think her parents need to know. They need to know that I am doing my very best, that I'm not just spending willy-nilly, that my own advice to my wife has never sunk in and I can't cover her anylonger. To me, this actually may be a saving grace moment. I won't be alone in this struggle any longer and my wife can't be in denial any more either. It will relieve some stress off my back as I feel the knowledge is out there. She is going to have to make some promises and deals with her parents....and I'm okay with that.

I am thankful that my wife came to me and seems to understand the severity of our financial issues. That we can't continue to live paycheck to paycheck, barely keeping our eyes above water. I hope that this may even bring us closer together. That she trusts me with her money and knows that I have both of our best interests at heart. That I'm not going to lose my cool or top, and use this situation as a building process moving forward.

I know this is a longer than usual post, but it feels good to get it out there. Now as I pointed out to my wife this morning, it's up to her to get this ball rolling. If she's serious, she needs to start putting this all in motion and commit to a time frame. She has a tendency to have all these ideas, but never follows through on them. Well, I'm here to support her, but I'm not going to drive this. She says she'd liek to have this all taken care of (and close down the storage unit) by Nov. 1.

We'll see.

Hey Doc...

I received a letter in the mail yesterday from my local health care provider. It seems that my general practioner would like me to come in and re-check my blood work and check teh status of my higher than normal cholesterol.

Whether it was a computerized booking or something he actually though of himself, I'm glad someone is paying attention, because Lord knows I'm not. See, during my last physical (somewhere around a year, maybe more) the doctor said that despite what appears to be looking healthy on the outside, isn't always the case on the inside, and that my cholesterol was higher than it should be for my age (then 39). He requested that I drop a few pounds, change some dietary habits, get more exercise, etc.

The strange thing is that for the most part I do all these things already. I rarely eat junk food, I'm more muscular than the average male my age (I still go to the gym, just not as much as I'd like to or sometimes have the energy for), I don't smoke or do illicit drugs, and I eat a fair amount of greens. My biggest weakness: cheese and chicken wings. Well, I've really cut back on the buffalo wings (a treat for me), I use egg substitute, I've lost around 8 lbs since last year, and I try and make a mental note of the amount of red meat and cheese I eat. I still eat cheese, but try for 2% where I can and I also trim more fat of my steaks. So hopefully, my cholesterol wil improve. But now that I have 2 weeks until my appointment, I can make more of an effort between now and then to really eat right.

I'm glad I'm going to the doctor for my physcial as well. I still have some occasional issues I think are related to stress and some other concerns. This last year my father had his prostrate removed due to cancer. My father is on the road to full recovery as it was caught early on. My father's side of the family has a predisposition to certain cancers so I need to talk to my doc about pre-screening.

I'm also experiencing some other issues. To be frank, and excuse the graphic nature of this, I've been having some anal bleeding epsiodes here and there. Last year it was bad. Bright red blood and I went to the emergency room because there was a lot of blood. It eventually cleared up, but it was undetermined if I had a fissure, or ulcer, or something else. It looks fine down there, but I notice when I drink a bit, have spicy food, or under stress....I bleed. I need to really talk to him about that and maybe have a colonoscopy...just to be safe.

In other news, and it is brighter: The Lord answered a prayer for me/us in regards to some finances. My aunt came through with a nice sized check to help us get out of some tight spots.

I've been sleeping pretty good despite the very warm weather as of late (it's been in the mid to upper 90's this last week), and my hives/chronic uticaria has not made a return thus far this year.

I've been enjoying a new video game called 'Dead Space' and reading a lot more. I actually started a new novel earlier this week (400+ pgs), and I'm already 1/3rd done.

Work is still boring, but my few day vacation is coming up next week. I'll have 5 days off wrapped around Labor Day, and even though I'll be staying home, I'm very excited to just hang out at my house and try my hardest to relax. Depends on how how it will be.

I've also been listening to a lot of Christian talk radio as of late. I enjoy it, but at the same time, I am constantly convicting myself and tend to get a little worried. I keep trying to remind myself that we are forgivem have faith, we are new creatures in Christ, but man, these guys on the radio can really drag you down sometimes and make people like me worry about everything.

To be honest, and I've said it before, sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. Now that I know the Lord and the Good News, there is a battle that rages on between my spiritual and secular side, and we all know that Satan just loves to whisper in our ears. He reminds me he's around, stalking me constantly, the first to point out when I trip.

Maybe it's just me, but when I trip or stumble, I really feel that Satan really lets me know this. But Jesus is a little more subtle and not as forward when he lifts me back up or tries to support me. I wish it were reveresed, but whose issue is that? Mine? Dunno.

It was a warm one

Well, the mild weather we've been having as of late has finally broke and are heat wave is here, albeit a bit late this summer. Our neighboorhood starting at around last Thursday has been warm enough now to finally run the A/C. According to the weatherman we can expect this heat (mid 90's) for the majority of this week as well.

The thing about the heat..it tends to make us all just a bit crankier than usual, it has the ability to suck all our energy out of our system, and it tends to make us stay home more. That last one is not a bad thing, we just don't want to be ouut in the heat, so I suppose that saves us some money, although what we save we'll probably spend on the A/C bill in a few weeks.

So things have seemed relatively normal (at least normal for us) this week which is kinda nice change of pace and mental scenery. Just some tidbits of this last week:

• I did stay at work all week long. Tempted as I was, I didn't go home early or take any time off despite being bored out of my skull most of the time. Got bills to pay.
• I did put in a formal request for Sep. 2nd & 3rd off. My wife will be out of town for a few days, and this will allow me to hang out at my house to just do some 'me' things. Most likely work on one of my models. I'll play a video game, catch up on some movies, and try my best to relax. I may even invite my father out one day for lunch and even do some more 'purging' of household items.
• My dog turned 5 last week. I have mixed emotions about this event. I love him so very, very much....more than I can ever express without sounding insane and insensitive to my family. But the fact is, his life is about 1/3rd over and I'm so so scared of that final day. He got a peanut butter cake and a toy.
• I finished the novel "The Art of Racing in the Rain". Loved it, although the overall tone was sad. Now I splurged yesterday (didn't tell my wife I spent $8, after coupon) and bought myself a new science fiction book I am very excited to start today at lunch.
• I didn't drink at all this weekend. I haven't being feeling to well...most likely the heat and my low energy level, so there was no craving for beer or booze, and I feel just fine.
• I did go to church yesterday. It was a bit longer than usual. I'm not crazy about the songs, and there was two more than usual yesterday, but the message was very, very good, and somewhat convicting. It's quite obvious to me and the man in the mirror that additional changes need to be made, once I find the courage and energy to take the first step.
• A friend confided in me that he and his wife are seperating as a trial. He had an affair 3 years ago, and while his wife forgave him, he hasn't forgiven himself. He is hurting in his shame and feels unworthy in the eyes of the Lord. He came to me and I tried to counsel him the best I could, also sharing some of my own secrets and feelings about my own marriage and my struggle with depression. Hopefully we will meet up this upcoming weekend and I can witness to him. God please give me the right words and the right ears to listen and give yoru advice, and not the advice of the world.
• A prayer of mine was answered this last week. A relative, an agnostic one that I've been praying for for years, surprised me by sending me a financial check....no strings attached. It was enough to cover some shortcomings in our household finances and truly a Godsend.
• It was too hot for the gym this weekend. I feel like I should have gone, but I just had no energy.
• My wife and I are getting along fine this past week, kinda like we used to so early on in our marriage. I like it. This relaxes me and puts me in a state of calm. Thank you Jesus.
• I desire a road trip. I'm hoping next year, maybe even early on, say late March or early April my wife and I can take a driving vacation for a week. Not sure exactly sure where. If we had more money I'd love to fly to the east coast. I really want to see things out there, but I'm just not sure we afford it at that time.
• Although it's only Monday....I feel good right now. Here's hoping this last for a week and ahlaf before my time off.

Busy and burnt

It's Wed. morning and I'm feeling a little burnt out....again.

It's been a bit busier at work since the end of last week, but I'm not sure if it's due to real issues, the fact that there have been a lot of people out due to vacation, training, or sickness, or because one of my bosses likes to hear himself talk, ergo the over drawn out meetings that take an hour to say something that should only take ten minutes.

Either way, since I started thinking about it almost two weeks ago, I can't stop thinking about taking a few days off. I just don't know when. One of my bosses will be gone all next week, so I'm not going to waste that golden time. This week is half over and two guys in my department are out the whole week as well, and another one is working a modified schedule. That equates to our department being short handed, and there have literally been issues every single day thus far where I guess I'd feel guilty for taking a day off.

It's self punishment mixed in with a sprinkle of guilt. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think that I need to put in a good showing and make my presence known when we are short handed. I'm also probably the only person that is actually thinking that though.

Today's lunch in PB&J sandwiches and a thing of Yoplait yogurt. Dinner last night was a baked potato smothered in canned Chili. The night before that was frozen fish and a few steamed vegetables. So boring and unsatisfying. But we are trying to tighten our belt. My daughter had her hours cut to a paltry 10 hours for the whole week. My wife got a final notice for the water bill last night in which I just shake my head. Not sure how that didn't get paid, but apparently she had enough to buy her cigarettes and a 1.75L of Crown Royal and wants us both to go to a concert this Saturday night. Really? You want to go to a concert where the beers are $7 each, plus parking, plus whatever else and we have a final notice on the water bill? Yeah, I'm still living in the Twilight Zone where up is down and left is right.

That pretty much means I can't go to the fair even if I wanted to tomorrow. It sets a bad example if I complain about the water bill, and then I go off to the fair for the day with my friend. Hypocritical? Hell yes. Self defeating? Check.

As I was walking in the door today I was trying to think of that moment in my life where I zigged when I should have zagged. When did it all change to set me down this path? Here's where Christians get all tripped up, including me: pre-destination or free-will? I get a headache just musing about it, so I'll stop while I'm ahead.

My daughter asked me last night during a cooking show, Master Chef, if I would ever do that. We've had this discussion before and my answer is still yes. However, that's all hindsight. If I didn't have a bad back or bad shoulder, and was 20 years old again....sure, I'd love to be a chef.

I'd love to work for myself and do something passionate. Instead, here I sit...feeling trapped due to financial obligations not all of my doing (although I did play a part to be honest), more educated and knowledgeable than my direct superior...but hand-tied in not being able to make a decision with a wishy-washy committee always second guessing everything and are too afraid to commit one way or another. (nice run on sentence there)

Interuption.....My boss just sent me an email to invite me to a mandatory meeting this Friday (before his vacation) to discuss, again, ad-nasuem, what we just discussed the otehr day. It hasn't even been a week for crying out loud, and I've been covering other stuff since we are short handed. I HAVE NOTHING NEW TO SAY THAT I HAVEN'T JUST SAID A FEW DAYS AGO. God man...give it a rest.

I have to stop this entry right now before I blow up and go all Flight Attendant ala Steve Slater.

Thursday Check In

This morning has been my busiest morning in about two weeks. I like it like that. It's just busy enough to make the time go by without really thinking about it, but not so busy and stressful that I feel pressured, rushed, or prone to make mistakes in my work.

I just finished anothr boring sack lunch. Some left over potato salad (we have a ton of it left over from the previosu weekend) and a home made rast beef sandwich. I'm normally okay with sandwiches, but it just seemed to taste a bit old, plain, and unispiring today. The best part was the colby-jack cheese (which I alywas give a pinch, the size of nickle, to my dog...he loves it!). The bread was some psuedo halthy wheat-berry, multi-grain stuff, that just seemed off as well.

I've been taking more lunches to work lately, usually 3 times (sometimes even 4) a week to help save money. Sometimes I don't mind, but lately it's been a bit...um, melancholy to my taste buds? On the flip side, I'm also saving gas money as I'm not driving to a fast food joint, it's portion control, it's quiet, and I also get to read a book. I'm enjoying my novel by Garth Stein. Today, I read close to 50 pages, or just about 1/6th.

I've been thinking about the Amazon Kindle more and more lately. The price has come down quite a bit, but there's something about holding an actual book in my hands that just seems more comforting and real to me than some electronic tablet. That's wierd to me because I generally embrace technology and I like gadgets a lot. But that idea of spending between $139-189 for an 'electronic reading device' just seems a tad high.

As I write this, I have 4 hours left in my 'work' day. Then I have a 1/2 hour commute home. I'll probably being grilling pork chops again....which I do like, and some kind of rice dish. I'll walk my dog most likely, and settle into the rut that is watching TV until 10pm or so and go to bed. We'll also probably stay home again tomorrow night (Friday) as well. Maybe chat with the neighbors a bit, but overall, it'll be a low-key weekend (i.e. spend free) again.

I may take 1 day off next week. I just feel I need too. Maybe the wife and I will go to the county fair before it goes away again until next year. We've gone every year the last 3 years. I like walking around and looking at the art work and the animals and having myself some country food, but big city fairs don't seem to have to have the same flair or feeling as some 'real country fair' like you see in the movies. No, our fair is a city affair, with traffic jams, over-priced rides, and influence from the 'burbs.

Even if we don't go to the fair, I may take the day off anyway. It'll be nice just to sit at home, maybe work on a model, sit in the sun with a book and a fresh brewed glass of ice-tea, maybe do a small project or two at home I've been wanting to tackle for a while.

Heh...3 hours 50 minutes left.

One foot in front of the other

It's a sunny Tuesday afternoon here and the day just got a bit slow. Overall, my work has been slow now for almost 2 weeks, and I'm doing the best to stretch my projects out as best I can to try and occupy my time.


For the most part I had a pretty decent weekend, that is until my step-daughter and wife got into it yet again for something stupid and trivial. I dislike when they get into arguments, because more times than not, it is generally over the most mundane of topics. In this case they got into an argument over the working of a service warranty of an Apple iTouch. An iTouch that neither of them own, bought, or broke, and for some reason they thought a party in front of 15 neighbors was the appropriate place to have this spirited discussion.


Talk about awkward. My neighbors looked at me, and I kinda just shrugged my shoulders. "What am I gonna do? If they want to make asses of themselves in public, let them." Yeah, I'm not getting involved in something so asinine and inject myself into this. Talk about wasted energy. I don't want to sound aloof and uncaring, but it was so ridiculous I didn't want to tocuh it with the proverbial 10 foot poll. No, I'm not letting this ruin my weekend. I'm trying to pick my battles wisely these day.

Friday night was very low key. I stayed home and watched a few movies. Heh...I've officially become my parents....who would have guessed I would stay home on a Friday night and feel content to watch TV and go to bed at an early hour?

Saturday I weet ahead and smoked a brisket for 6.5 hours and finished it off in the oven. It turned out great, or at least a few of my friends and neighbors thought so. The traditional bbq went off without a hitch, although the smoking itself was much more involved and tiring than I initially thought it woulld be. I wanted to go to the gym, but in the end I didn't.

Sunday was a day of sleeping in (a rarity for me), then some early morning cleaning, followed by working on one of my train models for a good portion of the day. It was fairly relaxing, for the most part, but in the back of my head I knew the floor could be cleaner, but I was too lazy to mop. Again, I wanted to go the the gym, but was just lazy.

My primary reason for me wanting to go to the gym is for health and to drop a few pounds. I'm supposed to be in a wedding in about 2.5 months from now and would really would like to drop between 10-15 lbs. I think I can do it if I 'man' up and stick to my guns. That being said, it's about self control, smaller portions, less carbs, and curbing my social drinking. Might not sound like much, but it's been 3 days since I had a drink. I know that sounds a little strange, but today I am craving a lo-ball tumbler of good whisky over rocks. I like to sip whisky on occassion, and the feeling is a bit stronger than usual today.

Also, I've been a bit sore lately....and not the type of sore from being active, but the sore or achey feelings of not being active. I need to get the old blood pumping, to stretch a bit, to take in some deep breaths, to sweat it out and feel the testosterone and endorphins pumping through my muscles. I love that tight, swollen feeling of hard at work muscles. I'm gonna try for sure to hit the gym both days this weekend.

Next week, I may try and take a day off of work and go to the fair. Not sure if I actually will or not, but I've taking off a day at work at least once the past 3 years to spend a day at the fair with some of my friends. I hate to break tradition, but this year I'm on the fence. To put it bluntly, I'd like to go, but if I don't make it this year...no big deal.

I started reading a new book: The Art of Racing in the Rain, a novel, by Garth Stein. Very touching. It's the world and family dynamics trying to be understood from the view point and narration of the family dog. (Please dear Lord, please I request that my own dog has a soul and I will be reunited with him someday in heaven. Is it weird to think/state that I love my dog that much?) Most of the time people can take a flying leap for all I care. No,..my dog is loyal and loving to the end...as God intended them to be. Thank you Jesus for my my little guy. I wish I could love people in the same capacity, but they just disapoint me in the end.

Thank goodness this summer has been a bit cooler. One of our fans broke in our house last week, and I haven't had the need to replace it yet. It hasn't been hot enough, which is nice, because that means a lower electric bill from not running the AC.

Tonight I'm gonna grill some pork chops and some vegetables. A somewhat healthy dinner and I'm looking forward to it, although I'm not looking forward to going to the store after work.

Finally, yesterday....I had a very troublesome moment in regards to death again. Mainly my own. I was coming back from lunch, and then a thought popped into my head: I hope heart-attacks aren't painful. Yeah, I becoming convinced that is how God is going to take me home. A heart-attack induced by stress. At times I think my heart valves are already damaged, although I've never spoken to a doctor or had a cardiogram done. I just know the human body under great stress, heartache, fatigue, etc. can do damage to the heart muscle. I think I've worried enough the last 15 years to last a lifetime by now, so I can't help but think that a coroner would say my heart gave out. I'm just saying....it wouldn't suprise me, but it is disconcerting to say the least.

Time keeps on ticking...

"Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. Wherever they go, they will find green pastures. The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." (John 10:9-10)

I don't have much to say today. This passage has been on my mind since Sunday, and everytime I read it, I feel a brief moment of reassurance and confidence. I just wish that feeling would last throughout the days without me having to either re-read it or think about. It should be known and ingrained, but maybe that will take time.

Work has been painfully slow this last week. That never bodes well for a person like me that spends too much free time self-reflecting, over-analyzing, and worrying about everything.

If it weren't for the fact I feel the need to save my vacation time (for a possible cashout later this year to pay for taxes) I'd like to take a day off like today to do some 'me' time. 'Me' time would consist of working on one of my models at home, spend some time walking my dog, maybe play a video game, and maybe catch up on some streaming movies via Netflix I missed in the theater's.

Actually, I've been thinking about smoked brisket all morning. I may even visit a specialty deli after work today and pick me up a 5-6 lbs brisket. Maybe invite a few neighbors over or some friends for a first attempt at using my smoker. I've never smoked a brisket before nor have I used my smoker grill yet either, but I'll have to break it in soon.

As you can tell my mood is 'okay' to 'good' today for no particular reason I can think of.

And for those that are asking, at this time I am not on any medications right now, anti-depressant or otherwise. I'll be honest with you if and when I decide to go back on.

Here

That is how I describe my day today.

It was a little gloomy this morning, a marine layer socked into the foothills in which I live and seemed to make my bed that much cozier. My wife was kind enough not disturb me and allowed me to snooze until about 7:20 this morning. I could have easily slept more, but not because I've been feeling down and out the last few days, but because I was just that comfortable and just that cozy.

One of my two bosses took the day off and another employee in my department called in sick, and overall it's been a pretty uneventful and quiet day. A bit too quiet which makes the day seem to drag on a bit longer than I would generally like it to do, but sometimes its just like that.

Before I got out of bed this morning I made a conscious decision to pray to Jesus. Just a simple "Hey, it's just me and I'd really appreciate an emotional break today big guy.", and I can honestly say I feel 'okay' thus far (granted its only 3:30).

The downtime allowed me to make some calls earlier today and get a better rate on a credit card that should save me a decent chunk of interest over the next 15 months or so (which is good). I also had alone time at lunch and was able to finish a book I was reading: "Dogtown: tales of rescue, rehabilitaion, and redemption". It was a great book, although a tear jerker at times. It really wants me to get the courage to work at an animal shelter, if I wasn't so afraid of getting emotionally attached to every dog I may be taking care of. I'd love to do that with animals, I really do feel that is a calling to my spirit and I feel so much more at ease with animals, but my heart breaks when they are hurt and I have this feeling I may become a basket case afterwards.

I know I've already decided that the day I do write my will, a decent chunk of my estate (if thats what it is called) will be donated to an animal shelter.

I may meet a friend today after work, for about an hour to have some tacos. I'm still waiting for his call. If he doesn't call, its no big deal, I'll go home and start my own dinner and finish up the evening watching some TV, maybe start reading a new book even.

BTW: I want to thank 'Anonymous' whose been leaving comments the last few entries. I do appreciate it and know you mean well.

Regards...

Feeding the spirit

After my last post, I needed a bit of time to collect myself.

God says he will never heap on so much that we can't take it. I'd like to have a heart to heart with him some time on that. When one's mind in in complete chaos and dreaming of being whisked away to parts unknown, I think we're at the breaking point of how much one can handle.

I realize it's different for everyone, and I'll be the first to admit my tolerence threshold seems to waver up and down depending on the day. Some days it just seems the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and yet when I read the news and see someone else's troubles (which are far worse than my own) I am then humbled and thank God that my troubles are indeed not as dire as others. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier, just a bit more self depricating on how I could be so selfish.

After my temporary meltdown last post, I sent a message to a college friend of mine from 20 years ago who recently found the Lord and just simply said "Pray for me. Having a rough spot." I did't say anymore or give any details, and within minutes he texted me back saying he'd pray for me. He also told me to read Psalms 13....which I did...and while I wouldn't say it was a wakeup call, it was just enough to stop anymore of a downward spiral.

He then sent me a care package in the mail that week. It was a box full of candy and treats for me, and he even threw in a toy for my dog. I was so touched. Here is a man, with a history and issues of his own, took the time to send me a 'care package'...and even included my dog in it. That touched me to the core. That has to be one of the nicest things someone has done for me.....dare I say even more attentive than my step-daughter and spouse? Actually...yes.

Of course I thanked him profusely, and I am still very touched by this simple act.

The rest of my week went better, or at least neutral. I haven't been able to relax 100%, and I have been very tired. I commented to my wife and she suggested I have my thyroid checked...just in case. I don't think it's a physical thing. To me, I feel it is a mental thing. I'm drained....emotionally spent, teetering on depression, frustrated and more. It just sucks the energy out of me. It's as if I forgot how to relax, let it all go, and enjoy the quiet moments. All that sounds good to me is a nice hot, long shower.....followed my a massage (that I'll never get)...and then go to bed.

I did get some reprieve this last week. I did watch a few shows on television that made me laugh, and I even surprised my wife by going bowling with her and her freinds. I even surprised myself with the amount of fun I had that evening. And my wife's friends treated me very well.

The rest of the week just seemed to go through it's paces and I spent some time praying here and there.

I did go to church yesterday and I am so thankful I did. I hadn't gone in a few weeks and my men's group is on hiatus until Aug. 14. Anyway, yesterday's message was from the book of John about the good shepard. It was a good message for me to hear. I really needed to know that Jesus knows each and everyone of us, both good and bad, and every tear we shed and every cry we make. One could argue that He has answered me, although I'd like to know it was Him a bit clearer or a bit louder. Is it selfish to wonder or inquire why His answers seems like delayed whispers? Is it my patience? Is the test ongoing and I don't recall signing up for it if it is.

Yesterday afternoon I had a beer with a coupld of my neighbor guy friends. One is a non-practicing Catholic, the other agnostic. Religion wasn't the topic. We spoke of vacations. One thing we all had in common was a little strained finances and were discussing ideas for 'cheap' vacations. It was fun to dream about taking a week off and driving out to the Grand Canyon, or a train ride to Santa Barbara.

My last paycheck stated I had 66.5 hours of vacation accrued. I really need to take some time off. Thinking back now to all my posts here, I know I stated that numerous times before. Problem is I can't really afford to go anywhere, but Lord knows I desire a few days off. I really need to get out of here. I need to enjoy environs of elsewhere. Watch a sunset, breathe fresh air, have a good dinner, melt into a pool with the sounds of birds and the whispering of summer leaves.

I think I'm gonna start putting away $30 a paycheck aside into an account and save up to go somewhere for a few days. Maybe I will go to Santa Barbara sometime in the future.

Still drawing a blank.

Ugh...I can't beleive it's been almost three month since my last post, and even more sad is the fact it doesn't seem much has changed since that post either.

I actually juat read my April 27th entry, and if I didn't know any better, it feels in my gut like I wrote it yesterday.

The last few days have once again seem to have become a nagging struggle within my mind. Oh there has been moments of laughter and of joy, but some of dour angst and loathing as well.

Struggles at home seem to have become increasingly tense and I cannot seem to discern if it is me causing the issues, if I am the victim of these issues, or a combination of both.

Our financial status has been very stressful as of late, and I do not deal with it as well as my wife does, but I can't help but think that my wife is eitehr very ignorant or in harmonious denial about it all, perhaps thinking that the husband she claims to love one moment yet talks down to at times will be there to always support her.

We've been living paycheck to paycheck for a few months now. I often skip breakfast, have a generic sandwich for lunch and even a so-so dinner just so we can do it all over again the next day. Frankly, I'm tired of it. Yes, I still have food in my belly, but am so sick of medicority at best.

So many things need to get done; yet we just can't seem to make any headway. It's depressing.

My step-daughter is also a handful. Almost 19, no diploma, works part time but has no car. We can't get her a car, let alone insurance, gas, driving lessons, etc. She doesn't contribute to the house 'cause she barely makes any money, but we still have to take care of her.

We hear from our friends about vacation get-aways, nights out on the town, and more with envious ears and humbled looks.

I should have gone to church yesterday. Lord knows I need it, not just for my spirit, but for an attitude adjustment as well. I felt tired and not very energetic, wondering what the point was. Nothing is going to change.

I've found myself to be a little bit short on patience lately, more apt to get frustrated and mad at the little things, and have had a love/hate relationship regarding my spouse again.

I don't know why it came to a head yesterday, but I felt very alone. I can't even recall if I cried out to God or not at this point. I think I might have given up at the time, so tired of even trying and hearing silence in return, that perhaps I didn't ask for Him.

I cried a bit too.....in the shower when I was alone, a few major thoughts entered my head: 1) I want a divorce and want to find happiness with someone who wants to spend time with me, 2) My step-daughter is driving me up the wall and I feel very guilty about it, 3) I don't do enough in helping people (moreso animals like helping at a shelter), and 4) I wish I were dead.

Yeah, I said it again. I love the Lord, I love my family, I love my dog....but I'm tired, I wondered what it would be like to be committed to a hospital for a while. I want to rest....really rest. As much as I love these people, I don't want to be around any of them for a while. I constantly feel let down by the, and sometimes feel I'd actually be better off without them.....without anybody for that matter.

I'm very scared to hurt myself. I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of suffering. I often think that cancer and/or a stress related heart attack is gonna get me sooner than later. I'm scared I'll have a stroke and be in a wheel chair and no one will care for me.

It's 3pm in the afternoon as I type this, and now I'm crying again. I'm 40 years old, and I'm crying and at times miserable. I don't have any children to call my own, no siblings to share with, and I don't want to burden my parents. I don't think my wife can comfort and console me. Does God still have some big test or plan for me? I dunno.

I'm too scared for suicide, I don't want to give up, but still.....I wish it were all over or just go away. Let me enjoy life for once, like I used to, years ago when life was simpler.

I see myself walking into a hospital, looking for anyone who will hear me and really listen to me....and tell them to whisk me away. Don't tell my wife, don't tell my parents, but look after my dog. I love him so much. What would I do without him?

I rambling again. I need to take a break from this post right now....get outside and get some fresh air.

Drawing a blank

I sit here at this entry not knowing what to write.

I feel I have so much to say, on so many subjects, yet the focus is lacking. It's as if my head is full of noise lately. Emotions are all over the place. Up one minute, down the next.

Marriage. Faith. Step-fatherdom. Happiness. Employment. Sadness. Depression. Fun. Entertainment. Sex. God. Frustration. Patience.

These things are all important and all present to me. All scrambling and tripping over one another to become the dominant thought. The result--inner turmoil.

Is it possible to feel numb and anxious at the same time? I think it is. See, my body feels anxious...squirmy, tight, tense, exciteable. But my mind is numb; tired of thinking of it all, caring and not caring at the same time. Time is measured on not what I look forward to anymore, but that this second, and this second, and now this second are over....thank God.

I'm looking at my life in the past. History. At times I look forward to the eternal rest. Like I want to sleep forever and have nice dreams. Me and my dog, the only creature on this planet that doesn't give me grief day in and day out.

No noise.

Just quiet and loving comfort.

3 months too long?

I don't know why I haven't been back to post as of late. I atcually noted a draft I had of an entry back in mid-December that I never finished. Not sure I can now anyway as much of my entries are what I'm feeling in the moment like right now.


So what's been up the last three months? Well, there have been some highs, and some lows, but I suppose I could say I've just been feeling average. My ste-daughter and my wife go at it at least once a week and I had to step in last week to play referee at one point. As much as my step-daughter was in the wrong, I took note that my wife unfortunately despite all her good qualities, also seems to thrive on conflict.


Although I wish our household to be one happy domicile and I really try my best, I can now see that as long as my wife is uneasy in the spirit, most of those people she comes into contact with she will eventually have an altercation with. I feel bad for saying this, but there are moments I'm glad she's off arguing with someone else for a change. Now again, I wish it didn't happen at all, but until my wife breaks down and recognizes (like I had to myself) that she isn't really in control or can fix everything AND recognize that the Lord our God is soveriegn in all things she's gonna have a rough time.


Like me.


Now I recognize that I still have my moments of doubt and despiar and confusion, but at least for now the thoughts of suicide are no longer there. I also recognize that my brain chemistry is off, maybe not as bad as it was, but the on again, off again medication helps me 're-calibrate'. I've been off the pills for a bit now, but started again today. Why? Well, I've been under some stress again lately, feelings of being anxious, a bit of insomnia, and some feelings of anger and frustration are present. But now when I start to recognize a few of these symptoms, I can try and nip it early on instead of waiting it out and seeing if I can fix it myself.

Not to many other things have changed. We're still seemingly living paycheck to paycheck right now and that bothers me a lot. Especially since I had to ask my grandfather for a small loan the otehr day to help pay for an unexpected bill. I can't believe I'm almost 40 and for the first time ever, I had to ask for some help. We've really put a clamp down on us for the most part and its starting to ffect us at home too. I'm tired of soup and cereal for lunches and dinners. I'm tired of having to turn down invitation with friends for a night out because we can't afford it. Doesn't help we have an extra person now living at home as well who can't seem to find a job either. So yeah it's been more stressful than normal.



I'm going on a business trip tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it at all. It's been just shy of six years since I've been on a plane and I'm a bit nervous to say the least. I'm off to Atlanta, and it's supposed to be raining the whole time I'm there. I'm trying not to get too worked up, but I had a nightmare about it last night. Not good.



Hopefully when I get back, I'm going to have to look into getting a second temporary job. I need to work a few weekends here and there to get some extra money to pay the bills just to keep my mind sane from this living paycheck to paycheck thing. I need only a few hundred to feel as if head is above water, and not just my nose. I don't know how many cup-of-soup's or bowls of Special K I can handle anymore. I even had to cash out a few days of vacation (days I will not have off) just so I could pay our taxes. CA has one of the highest taxed states in the nation, and the state is bankrupt too if you haven't heard.



It's my 40th birthday next week. I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't think my wife has planned anything at all. We have no money, but that's not stopping her from having a Girls Night Out this upcoming friday. I don't know how she's paying for it nor am I sure I want to know. It'll be interesting to see how I react or how she will if I am told there is no birthday gift due to financial issues, but have enough money for Girls Night Out. Its for this reason I'm actually not looking forward to my birthday....not that I will be 40 years old,...but to see where I am on the priority list in my marriage and relationship compared to friends.

Do I sound like a whiner? Yeah, I suppose I do. What else is new?

Hopefully it won't be as long until my next entry.

Positive mood

Perhaps it may be the placebo effect, but I feel pretty darn good today.

It's a rainy day here and I had an early start on my day, and the requisite amount of coffee is now flowing, and I feel pretty darn positive so far. I may meet some friends later today for a going away party for an aquaintance at my old job and I may also have a 1/2 day at work today.

This weekend will be doing chores about the house (since it's scheduled to rain all day) and I may work on a few personal hobbies I enjoy. I even have a hankering to play a board game with my wife and step-daughter, and we have a family party to attend tomorrow evening. It's wierd, earlier in the week I was dreading the party...I was not looking forward to going at all and considered it yet another chore.....and yet today, my outlook has done almost a 180, and I have no explanation why. Now I kinda want to go (although tomorrow may change my mind yet again).

I had a brief chance to witness to a stranger yesterday, and she told me I left a lasting impression, although I don't know exactly where she stands, but she was receptive. So that was a blessing in disguise.

I'm enjoying a good cup of coffee and feel relaxed. Praise God.

Citalopram

I decided to start a new drug today...Citalopram (see link in margin for more info). It's a substitute for Lexapro and also known as Celexa.

As with all anti-depressants, it usually takes a good solid week and then some before ones body adjusts to it and it begins to take hold and starts working its magic. It's basically a serotonin reuptake inhibitor which allows for natural serotonin to stay longer between the gaps of the nerve cells within the brain and thus minimize or stave of feelings of depression.

So why did I decide to start today? To begin with, I have been 'drug' free for quite a few months. Other than what I would consider normal bad days that everyone experiences from time to time, I had been feeling okay for quite some time now. Yes, there were the moments with my wife a few montsh back that I didn't know if I could or wanted to survive the marriage despite my best efforts. I still have 'moments' of wondering what it would be like to re-marry, be single again, make different choices, etc. But I can also say that a few weeks back I had a very bad depressive dream as well...one in which I was divorced...and I wasn't that much happier. In fact I was scared to death about beginning the process of starting to date all over again and felt a stigma over me that I failed. That I failed my wife, my family, myself, and God.

But I'm not about to go down that road today.

It's just been a general feeling as of late once again. I'm feeling a bit insecure as of late. I mentioned some financial strains and step-daughter strains in yesterday's post, and I've been starting to feel agitated once again towards those that my wife has communications with. Is it jealousy? Yes, to a certain extent I think it is. Not sexual per-se, but there's a few male friends of hers that have been extra chatty towards her lately and I can't figure out their angle. One in particular makes some unusual comments (it's probably nothing), but I feel strange that he's making them with no real thought towards me.

It may also be this time of year. It's been cold and rainy as of late and getting darker earlier. I've been feeling a bit fatigued as well, like I could fall asleep in the middle of the day and want to go to bed earlier again. I know for a fact I'm trying to avoid my step-daughter too...I don't want to be around her drama or her immaturity...or her laziness. The longer I am around her, the more I find myself starting to resent the fact she doesn't do anything and her mom keeps making excuses for her. I know when I was 18 years old, I would have been embarrassed to death to be in her position and took a lot of pride in working and starting to become independant whereas I feel she still expects us to provide everything for her. But that seems a littel harsh as well, and I have to temper those thoughts by knowing that not everything was her fault and she is the victim of certain circumstances and attitudes, or lack thereof, from both her biological parents. They both did a crappy job, so I can't blame her for everything.

Hmmm..I feel like I'm rambling again here. My head feels a tad dizzy right now too, most likely from the Citalopram as I had both breakfast and lunch today and a good nights sleep.

I know this is an abrupt ending to this post right now, but I'm losing my train of thought and feel like I'm not making sense anyway.

Holiday strain

My stress levels are a little higher than normal right now.

My stepdaughter has behaving a bit better tha last few days, but I feel that her last two uncalled for and random 'blowups' at our house have somewhat jaded me more than I originally thought they might have. I'm having a hard time warming up to her right now. When I walk in the door from work, I find myself at a loss for words to say anything to her. I'm polite, I'm cordial, but I can't seem to shake the last few scenes out fo my head and it irriates me. I should forgive and forget and move on, but I'm having a tough time doing that. I'm not sure even if an apology at this point could change my mind.

I want her to get a job. She really does need to get a job, yet another week has gone by and she has done nothing. She's been living with us now for close to two months and she has put in all of a few hours on one single day looking for a job, and has done no follow up yet to my knowledge.

I don't even know how to bring this subject up right now in the house inorder to avoid any argument between her and I, or even my wife and myself right now. I'm a bit confused by my wife as well. A few weeks ago, my wife determined that her daughter had to get a job and I had a lot of confidence in my wife....but it appears she has backed off or back down completely at this point and I just don't have the energy to bring it back up just before the Holidays.

Why is this bugging me so much?

Well, I think a lot has to do with the fact that we are broke right now. Seriously broke. My wife and I both have jobs, but we have had a lot, and I mean A LOT of unexpected bills this year (and the fact my wife still can't manage money very well) that my emergency savings has been pretty much drained. For the first time since I lost my job almost three years ago, I feel like I am living paycheck to paycheck...and I still have nothing to show for it.

I cinched the belt for holiday shopping this year warning my entire family that this year was going to be smaller in scale. I am packing many more brown bag lunches to work as of late and even skipping breakfast altogether just so I can have a few extra bucks for incoming bills I have no idea how I'm going to pay for.

I even traded in some vacation days I had saved up for cash just so I can pay a few bills. Yeah, thats vacation time I won't be taking. So yet another year goes by where I don't go anywhere on vacation because I cannot afford it. Last year I wanted to take my wife and I our for a cruise for a belated honeymoon we never took. Well, it looks like year 6 isn't going to happen either.

I also feel guilty that I haven't tithed in a few weeks either at church. It does indeed burned my heart that I haven't given 10% the last few months. My tithing and donations in general are way down this year and that doesn't sit well with me either. I know I am supposed to truct in my Lord, my God to weather these financial storms, but my friends it just never seems to end.

I think after the holidays, I may even have to get a part time job on the weekends just to get some extra money to pay bills and feel like I have a bit of breathing room. I'll be burning both ends of the candle and I'm sure I'll be moody and tired and worried, but right now, I don't see any escape.

Maybe that's why I didn't sleep very well last night?

Status update

I wish I could remember to make more time to my updates here as I feel I am short changing myself at times. It really does help to use this blog as an outlet for minor venting and collecting and or organizing my thoughts.

The last few weeks have had some minor ups and downs.

My step-daughter has moved in on a full time basis now and I'll admit there have been 'moments' where I just want to explode and other times I have to remove myself from her presence for some piece of mind. She's not a 'bad' kid. Not in the sense that she does no drugs, does not drink, does not smoke....but she does have a major attitude and is somewhat lazy.

She's flunked out of school and is now in independant study and has grandiose designs of going out on her own at 18 to live her life. Problem is, she has no job, no money, no car, no drivers license, no savings, and no clue. Her mother and I have spent fruitless hours trying to talk to her about her decisions and try to point out how the real world works, but alas our advice falls on deaf ears. She'll have to find out the hard way, and I can only hope she gets a job soon enough.

As you can imagine, this has put some additional stress on her mother and me, moreso my wife. They have bumped heads on a few occassions now where I have to come in and play the peace broker only so as I don't get too worked up.

The addition of a third member to our household has also put a strain on our finances as well...more groceries, increase in utilities, toiletries, etc. Needless to say it has been a rough two months, especially with the holidays just around the corner.

I've personally been struggling on how hard to put my foot down, where my emotions are in all this, and how to deal with a rebellious spirit at the Holidays who won't even try to get a job to buy presents for her family. It's difficult for me to warm up to someone who takes everything for granted and expects things with nothing in return.

My relatiosnhip with my wife has been a bit lukewarm because of this too. Our intimacies have been put on the backburner and that bums me out, not just because I'm a giy, but a few months back it appeared that we had tuened a corner for the better, and now with my step-daughter moved in, we're all too tired and tense to relax and enjoy each others companies.

I have been going to my men's bible study on Saturday's, but I haven't been going to service the last few weeks on Sunday. I've been a little bitter and angry and not in the mood. I feel guilty, but I also think going into God's house with teh wrong mindset is a waste of His time and mine. Some would argue this is exactly why I should be going and I do understand that point, however, I'm good at making excuses for myself and I abhor confrontation and still pretend I can sweep things under the rug as a viable option.

I took a Clonzapem this morning as I awoke at 5am with my thoughts scattered, my anxiety high, and a knot in my sternum. It took about 20-30 minutes to kick in, but I felt really good afterwards and am trying my best to enjoy my day.

A pleasant surprise is my wife invited me to Sushi this evening. Not sure if it is just the two of us, or my stp daughter as well, but I love sushi, and hopefully my wife knows I'm feeling a bit squeezed as of late and this is her way of giving me a little reprieve.

A bit out of sorts

The last few days has given me yet more stuff to think about and try and put into some sort of perspective, especially on how it all fits into God's plan for me.

Once again finances have been a bit tight. Every paycheck between now and the forseeable future (after the first of the year) is pretty much spoken for. For the first time in a long time I had to dip into my reserves (read: savings for a rainy day I set up after I lost my last job a few years ago) to pay some mounting bills. Nothing too earth shattering, but it's all about timing....see, towards the end of the year some additional bills come into play all at once: homeowners insurance, car tags/registration, property tax and finally of course, the holidays.

Sure enough, the bills all came this last week, and I can't pay them all right now. I'll have to stagger them every two weeks when I receive another paycheck, but it literally leaves me nothing left. The disposable income I do have only ends up putting gas in my car, paying the toll road charges, and maybe a little left over for an occasional Friday lunch with my coworkers.

It depresses me. Once again another year has gone by where we can't take a vaction for more than 3 days at a time and local, I can't really afford to buy any new clothes for work, fancy lunches (I've been brown bagging the same generic meat sandwich and drinking water for a few weeks now), or Christmas presents again this year. Which also means, I can't buy myself any luxury items for myself, make repairs on the house, having to turn down evenings out with friends or God forbid any other emergencies that may crop up. It sucks and I don't really see any way out of it for at least two years (until my car is paid off), or I get a second job on top of my regular 8-5 job now, plus home chores, taking care of the dog, etc. I don't want to have to go to my parents or anyone else, but the budget is razor thin right now.

And I don't know how people do it. I know for a fact there are people out there in worse positions than us. Guy across the street lost his job about a month ago, and his neighbor has been out of work for almost three months and now the house is going into foreclosure. I spoke to my grandfather the other day and he told me about 'real' hard times....times where he slept in his car for weeks because he had nowhere to live and jobs where scarce...so who am I to complain?

As if that wasn't bad enough, I elt really humbled last night. Our other neighbors gave birth to twins yesterday. Of course I am happy for them and wish them all the best. But I can't help but feeling a bit selfish and envious that they had kids and we didn't. I so despretely wanted to be a father...to raise my own child or children...and it pretty much isn't going to happen and that saddens me. My step daughter doesn't live with us, and soon she'll be 18 and already has plans to move on with her life...and it's not like we have much of a relationship to begin with.

To have this constant reminder next door that they have children and I don't is going to be a challenge for me. Last night when I found out, it more or less silenced me and after that I really wasn't in the mood to talk and ended up having a drink and going to be early.

It's raining outside today as well, and I stare out the window with my crappy lunch, a little chilly, sitting at my desk at a job I don't really like all that much wondering yet again, "Why God?, Why?"

All creatures large and small

I had a very humbling experience yesterday that has really been weighing on my soul and instantly made me look deep and hard into my own being.

When I got home from work yesterday I began my usual ritual of suiting up my dog and take him for a walk around the neighborhood.

It was a brisk fall afternoon yesterday at 5:30pm so I quickened my pace up a bit to try and get home a bit faster than usual and get my blood circulating a bit.

On the round trip back home from our usual route, I happened to look down and saw what I thought was a dead rat. Like most people, I conjured up images of filthy vermin...disease carriers...gross and dirty and icky. And I thought it was dead.

Upon closer examination, the rat was not dead, but close to dying. I saw no physical trauma from a spring trap or cat, and figured it was most likely poisoned or near the end of its natural life. It was laying on its side, prone, but I did see its chest rising and falling very slowly, clearly its breathing being labored and I knew it was just a matter of time.

But then I began to wonder how long was this rat had been lying here. Minutes? Hours? Half a day? And how much longer did it have left? Would it make it through the night and pass in the cold air? Would a night time cat or carrion bird wander by and finish it off? Was it in pain?

My goodness, all these questions just bombarded me in mere seconds and I really struggled as to what the right thing to do was. Do I kill it and end its suffering? Or do I let nature take its course? I eventually decided to let nature take its course, for I just couldn't bring my self to stomp on it and its life. I felt bad for it because perhaps this creature, a creation of God, was indeed in pain and suffering from a lingering poison or other ailment. I doubt it would survive the night and for the first time I saw this vermin in a different light.

It was no longer a disease carrying rodent who lived on trash and could cause no good. It was a living and breathing animal, who had made this greenbelt its home...doing only what it was preprogrammed to do from creation. Whether or not it has a 'soul' as we biblically define what a soul should be, it was born and lived and tried to survive. And here I was with my dog, whom I love dearly, walking back to my warm home and will eentually crawl into my clean and warm bed. It really bothered me...and as you can tell...still does.

Someday I will have to put my dog down, and I fear and loathe that future date. I know I will need medication of the highest order that day. And again, I thought of my own mortality....will I die alone with no kids and wife by my side?

I can only hope that God does indeed have a plan for all his creation...including rats.

Good day

I've been looking at my last few posts, and I'll admit...there does seem to be a lot of doom and gloom lately.......So, I thought I'd share some uplifting feelings for once...

Today is actually a good day. I'm not on any medication, and despite going to bed at midnight and getting up at about 6:45am this morning, I feel somewhat relaxed and refreshed today.

I had an excellent lunch of BBQ Tritip with some spicy BBQ sauce, some Barq's rootbeer, a piece of blueberry cornbread, and overall I feel somewhat relaxed. Work hasn't been too demanding today, and I also got invited to a surprise bday party tonight for a neighbors boyfriend taht both my wife and I will attend.

Despite getting yet another unexpected bill in the mail yesterday (car tags) which I have no idea yet how I'm going to pay, and the fact my wife came home yeterday to tell me she wants to get involved in some multi-level marketing sheme (I read as pyramid scam....But I can't convince her otherwise), I really do feel okay.

Co-workers have been nice today, joking with me...we've been having some good natured ribbing with each other, and it just seems to be low pressure.

So there,....as of right now, it's been a good day.

Burnt Out

Once again, I'm back off the meds. I didn't really realize how easy it is for me to forget to take my anti-depressents on a regular basis if I don't make a concerted effort to place them out in the open for me to take every morning, or do some other meaningless ritual to remember to take them.

Needless to say I just realized I've been off my meds now for about a week, and I just feel burnt out. Hopefully this is just another random cycle of mine, but I have taken notice and stock that I just feel 'meh' at best this past week or so. Actually 'meh' is not exactly the best descriptor, but I can't think of a better word right now.

Things between my wife and I are 'okay' to 'good' and I do believe in the power of prayer that my friends, family, and fellow church parishoners are indeed making a difference....for the better. My wife and I have been getting along pretty well as of late and she's pleasantly surprised me a few times this past week, albeit last night she was a little snippy when I was asking her some basic questions.

I guess I feel 'meh' now because of work...or is it the feeling I have no time anymore for myself to just relax. Or is it because we still can't afford (both financially or time wise) to take a real vacation.

Yeah, I've been just tired. I get up, get ready for work, sit in traffic, do my job, come home, do chores, and then feel tired just to realize I did nothing for myself and now I gotta do it all over again the next day. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

So yeah, I'm fricken burnt out.

It doesn't help that once again it seems that every dollar I have made recently is already once again accounted for, and I'm brown bagging my lunch every day, and the idea of even buying myself a video game to play somehow seem outta reach. First, because the $60 for a new game should really be used to pay off a bill (which I end up doing anyway) and I have no 'free' time...unless you consider 10pm open (in anycase I need to go to bed 'cause I gotta work to pay for the bills we incurred anyway).

I know...it could be worse. It could be much worse....and it has in the past as well. Then I wake up and realize people just died when a tsunami hit their island, or a flood wrecked their house, or some young child was abused/raped by a step parent and locked in a closet and beat the last 4 years. Or is it the whack jobs in Syria or Iran scoffing at us at the U.N.?

I wish God really would intervene at times (just short of the Apocalypse) and give the whole earth a breather for a few days..or even weeks. Do a little house cleaning...a culling of the heinous to help ease the minds of the rest of us for a change.

I can't even think right now what would recharge my batteries. Would a week cruise do the job, or would I just worry about how I would pay that off afterwards?

I look around the house and take count of all the things that need fixing or need to be repaired and replaced and realize none of it is happening anytime soon. Heck, if I can't afford a $50 video game, how am I gonna get the water line repaired, or replace that ceiling fan, or recalibrate the stove? Yeah, I see the blinds on that window falling apart and dangling by a weathered thread, but I still can't buy new ones.

And then there's work. Beleive me, I do indeed thank God that I do have a job in these times. As I'd like to think everyone is thankful who has a job appreciates it. My neighbor (mid 50's just got laid off a few weeks back) is feeling it and wishes he was working as he has a family to support, and another neighbor is going through a foreclosure...and I feel bad for them too, and I know I shouldn't complain. But does God really want us to be miserable in our daily routines? I know there are a lot of biblical stories that and examples of plenty of holy men who toiled at there jobs for decades just to have it all taken away. I don't really think that God has that desire for any of us, nor does He wish us to feel miserable and wanting. But since I am human, and humans are known to be selfish and think of themselves...well, quite frankly I'm pretty fricken sick of it all.

As I've stated before, I like what I do..I really do...I just don't like the people I have to interact with, or the ludicrous and backwards company policies and explanation that seem to be more hinderance and red tape than progress. It's 2009 and my company is stuck in the 1970 mentality on a lot of things and simple things just get bogged down in tedium and I just never get a sense of real accomplishment any longer. I pointed this out to my boss once....we never 'fix' anything or 'repair/replace' things...we just 'jury-rig' with duct-tape and bubblegum...just enough to get us by until teh next breakdown.

That can become very de-moralizing and crippling and hinder one's overall sense of contribution and self-worth. Did I really go to college to get two degrees just to be a glorified maintenance man when I could do so much more if I wasn't saddled with all these contraints. I think that contributed to my sense of being tired and 'meh' all the time.

Placebo thinking?

As I recently reported I had been off my meds for a few weeks now, and being the nature of the beast itself, perhaps I've been over analyzing my need or dependance on them.

I wonder if my 'need' is indeed just in my head and I do use the meds as a crutch of some sort. Perhaps the idea of taking them is just enough to fool myself into thinking they are actually doing me some good.

The last two weeks I have found myself increasingly irritable when it comes to things like work and what seems to be never ending chores at home. It's also been hotter than normal outside and as I stated also in an earlier post, we've been a little short handed at work to where I have been picking up some additional slack and feel a bit under pressure. A few bills have been once again mounting up despite my best efforts to control and watch my spending habits.

I suppose it could be worse. I read in the news the unfortunate story with the Yale grad that was recently strangled, or kids being shot at home and at school, the very corrupt ACORN scandals, etc. For a while I was happy not listening to the news....maybe I need to turn it off again and be naive to the world.

And again, my relationship with my wife just seems 'meh'. She hasn't yet told me...I've been waiting for her to offer up the information...I have discovered she made plans to go out with her high school friends this Friday night. I kinda thought something was up when she called her ex-husband and requested that they change weekends for exchanging my step-daughter. As of earlier this week, we had made plans to do something saturday evening and I asked about my step-daughter and my wife said she should be okay staying at our hoem for a few hours. But now that my wife has made plans to go out Friday, she called her ex out of the blue to make 'changes'. I smelled something 'fishy' and asked her if she wanted to go to dinenr with me on Friday night...giving her the opportunity to come clean about her plans, but instead, she replied "we'll see...and I'm tired and going to bed." She knows that I don't care for her friends all that much...well, not really her friends, but (im my opinion) excessive drinking. I'd rather not blow tons of money at a bar with people who after adding a few drinks all of a sudden turn into complete immature morons which I would be embarrased to be around.

A few people have asked me...."Do you think your wife is cheating?" I can hosnestly say I 100% trust her in that department. I do not believe for one minute she is flirting or seeing someone else. She may wish I shed a few pounds around my mid-section, but I'm far from out of shape. So no, I don't think she is cheating....I just think she still has this desire to pretend she's 18 years old again despite the fact she actually 40, and she realizes I'm over that type of behavior.

Anyway, I'm a bit disapointed in general I suppose that she hasn't told me her plans for Friday, that I found out through the 'grapevine' and I guess she thinks I'm none the wiser.

So, where was I? That was a terrible tangent....

Okay, so yeah....I've been wondering if this recent pressure and mood I've been experiencing s due to the fact I have been off my meds for a few weeks now, or it really is all these outside factors ganging up on me. I honestly can't tell, nor do I think short of somone drilling in my head and taking a sample of the chemicals bouncing around in my noggin', if this is a real medical issue for me that I will carry the rest of my life, or am I just caught up in the moment of my local environment and it's all a coincidence.

So to err on the side of caution, I took a pill this morning. I won't feel it at all for at least two weeks...and that's only if I start a regime of pill popping again which doesn't sit well with me...but maybe I really do need it. I can feel the wispy tenticles of depression grazing my feet here and there, and I suppose one could say I want to nip it in the bud before it's too late.

I went to church this past Sunday again too, and it was really good. The message was really strong as we are in teh book of Ephesians and studying the 'armor of God'. This last week it was the helmet of Hope. I think I need to re-read chapter 6 again and really soak it in.

Just dropped by...and...Whoa

The last few days I had been thinking I had been pretty silent as of late here. Not really good manners to build up a topic and/or issue to a crescendo and then seemingly go on hiatus for a few weeks with no real update.

It's been a little tickle in the back of my head for a few days now, but work has really been quite a 'bitch' as of late. The heat is hot outside and we are short handed and it seems the last week or so I've been doing double duty. I've been a bit more cranky and irritable and also experiencing both firestless sleep and a few nighmares as well. My body feels a bit rundown and I have a few more aches and pains as well. As a matter of fact two morning ago I awoke to an agonizing 'charlie horse' cramp in my right calf that scarred my wife as I hoped out of bed swearing.

I also am just taking note that I stopped taking my medication about two weeks ago, and I can't help but wonder if some of this is side effects due to withdrawl. Like I said, I do not that I am slightly more moody and irritable the last few days, but again, I don't know if that is just my hormones and chemicals in my head acting up with no meds, or is it because of the heat, additional work, stress, and lack of sleep. Maybe it's a combination of both and I need to resume my medication.

I haven't been feeling over spiritual as of late either. I just started taking stock yesterday that I have a longing to get my heart and mind back on track as I have allowed myself to drift the past few weeks as well. There's been a bit more stumbling lately...a few more colorful words...a few more adult drinks.....and a laise faire attitude towards everything. But that 'fake' fun is fun for only so long....or is it really any fun at all and am I just in denial?

My relationship with my wife had been improving for a few weeks since I last blogged.....and then we took a break (me too) from the counselor...partially to save money, partially because I wasn't 100% psoitive I or we were getting anything out of it the last two times and wondering if we were just going through the motions of attending a marriae counselr just to say we did. I dunno.

I initially wanted to come back an update you all on everything...which I kind of did....but to my surprise I received a very honest and sould bearing comment in my last post that really hit me. And it hit me hard. Sure enough, reading this man's words and his story really sunk in to me, and still does as I type this. He hurts, and I hurt with him and for him. Although we lead different lives, and have different experiences, and most liekly seperated by 100's perhaps 1000's of miles....his story and truth overlaps and entertwines with my own. And now I cannot help think I was drawn here today, not only for him, but for me as well. Perhaps God is using us both to share and learn from each other. To remind us that we are indeed not alone...even though at times we think we are.

I won't lie to you....yes, things in my marriage are indeed better today....but they aer far from where I would like them to be and I'm not sure if they ever will get there either. Maybe by God's grace and love my wife and I will be on the same page some day. The best I can say is we are at least in the same book, or book series. Months ago, we weren't. We were two different books, in two different genres, in two different libraries....co-habitating. It was a marriage on paper...in the legal sense....and while both of us did/do have emotions for each other...the timing always seemed to be off.

The commentor said he felt alone, despite once having a model life with a wife and three daughters, and pets long since gone. Brother, let me tell you. I have a step-daughter who doesn't even recgnize me on Fathers Day, Christmas, or my birthday. I have a sister-in-law who is more open to me than my own wife. I stare at my dog who just turned 4, and even now I lament and I beg God above that my dog stays with me as long as he possibly can, because when he is gone (and soon both my parents), I too feel alone.

That's sad.

Here I am married to a woman I love who sadly isn't in love with me the way I am with her. Oh, I do beleive my wife loves me....but I don't "feel" the agape type of love from her where I know I am her soul-mate. I sometimes say all I need is my dog. That is unconditional love. Mock me if you will...but I imagine that is just a taste of the love Jesus Christ has for us....no matter what we do, say, think, etc. My wife overheard me once say that my dog was "the love of my life" and commented to her friend "See....". Part of me felt bad, but part of me didn't. It was the truth from a certain perspective. My dog loves me unconditionally. He doesn't put parameters on me, doesn't expect much, doesn't back talk, doesn't have an attitude, or an excuse, or lie. He there for me whenever I want. He will allow me to invest as much time as I can into him and never once want to reject me or tell me it's too much.

Isn't Christ just like that?

More on this later when I re-group my thoughts....