The worst thing about a slow day at work is the ability to let things fester as it seems time slows to a crawl and we have no control over it.
Unlike a good book which seems to end too fast, or a day at Disneyland is over before you know it...when you heart and mind and emotions are in crisis, time seems to stand still. It would be interesting to see if any scientists can corrolate time and general mood into a definable equation. It's apparant time flys when your having fun, but the opposite also applies, time drags when you are miserable.
Today each second tick of the clock seems like it lasts for one minute. One minute therefor seems ike an hour. I've been watching the clock most of the day today waiting for the 5pm bell to toll, so I can make the 1/2 hour commute to the therapists office where I will meet my wife and try and make some sorta of sense out of the weekend.
To help pass the time, I have found myself walking the parking lot between buildings in an attempt to look busy, but really I'm just playing the scenario over and over in my head and I still see no way out. I was in a losing position when I woke up this weekend, and my fate was already sealed even before I got the memo.
Interestingly enough, I came across this article today n the new. How apropos. Coincidence or divine intervention? You decide.
Anyway, right now I wish I had a Clonzapam or some other anti-anxiety medication. My chest feels a little tight and I'm a bit anxious. I'm also craving a nice stiff drink again no matter what the outcome may be. I want to sit under the stars in my backyard tonight and just learn to relax and take a cleansing breath. I'm still not sure if I'm angry or just don't care anylonger.
July 28, 2009
Confused
After a semi-emotional day yesterday, but able to maintain my self control overall, I came home and was able to lose myself in the television. When I'm distraught, I sometimes have a tendency to lose my appetite, and yesterday I had no breakfast, a half a sandwich for lunch, and for dinner I settled for a single bowl of Cheerios, and I was content.
By 9:30pm I was still watching TV and felt the urge to sleep coming over me as my eyelids started to weigh down on themselves. My wife called me to let me know she would be bowling an extra game or so, which I was surprised that she even called me. Generally when she is angry, she doesn't call me as a sort of 'punishment' I suppose, and to be honest, I really didn't care if she called me or not last night. I had nothing to say to her anyway that wouldn't start an argument, so the additional peace and quiet was nice.
I didn't take any pills last night, just crawled into bed and must have fell asleep by 10pm or slightly thereafter. I never heard her come at all, which is amazing because I'm generally a very light sleeper. Not only that, my dog would normally wake me up as well when he stirs, but I was out. I didn't hear anything, so I was a little surprised when I woke up this morning and glanced at the clock (5:00am) and my wife was in bed.
I fell back asleep and sometime thereafter she got up herself and made a pot of coffee. By 6:50, when I finally rousted myself out of bed and got my own cup of coffee, took my Lexapro tablet for the day, and as I came downstairs my wife asked me if I was taking time off on Thursday to go to the fair.
What?
What did I miss?
Less than 36 hours ago, she was on a spiteful, angry, and venomous diatribe against me....and now she wants to know if we are going to the fair on Thursday? She's also talking to me in a calm and rational manner, although no mention of this past weekend has come up. To say I am confused by these turn of events is an understatement and sometimes I wonder if it's just not me who has a chemical imbalance or my wife has a polarity issue herself. I answered her that I don not know what my schedule is like right now, and as much as I want to go to the fair and had been planning on it, I really don't want to with her.....not until we get some issues resolved....like what does she mean "I am done with this". I guess I will find out tonight at our session.
I left the house without saying goodbye, and oddly my mood right now is indifference. I still plan on meeting with a lawyer this Friday to find out what my option are, legally, just in case. Just as my wife proclaims that she is "done with this', I too am wondering if I have the energy anymore to put up with her family, quirks, and constant railing.
As I sit and write this entry now, I can't help but to think how uncomplicated my life would be if I had someone in my life that respected me and my family. Yeah, I wish things were different.
By 9:30pm I was still watching TV and felt the urge to sleep coming over me as my eyelids started to weigh down on themselves. My wife called me to let me know she would be bowling an extra game or so, which I was surprised that she even called me. Generally when she is angry, she doesn't call me as a sort of 'punishment' I suppose, and to be honest, I really didn't care if she called me or not last night. I had nothing to say to her anyway that wouldn't start an argument, so the additional peace and quiet was nice.
I didn't take any pills last night, just crawled into bed and must have fell asleep by 10pm or slightly thereafter. I never heard her come at all, which is amazing because I'm generally a very light sleeper. Not only that, my dog would normally wake me up as well when he stirs, but I was out. I didn't hear anything, so I was a little surprised when I woke up this morning and glanced at the clock (5:00am) and my wife was in bed.
I fell back asleep and sometime thereafter she got up herself and made a pot of coffee. By 6:50, when I finally rousted myself out of bed and got my own cup of coffee, took my Lexapro tablet for the day, and as I came downstairs my wife asked me if I was taking time off on Thursday to go to the fair.
What?
What did I miss?
Less than 36 hours ago, she was on a spiteful, angry, and venomous diatribe against me....and now she wants to know if we are going to the fair on Thursday? She's also talking to me in a calm and rational manner, although no mention of this past weekend has come up. To say I am confused by these turn of events is an understatement and sometimes I wonder if it's just not me who has a chemical imbalance or my wife has a polarity issue herself. I answered her that I don not know what my schedule is like right now, and as much as I want to go to the fair and had been planning on it, I really don't want to with her.....not until we get some issues resolved....like what does she mean "I am done with this". I guess I will find out tonight at our session.
I left the house without saying goodbye, and oddly my mood right now is indifference. I still plan on meeting with a lawyer this Friday to find out what my option are, legally, just in case. Just as my wife proclaims that she is "done with this', I too am wondering if I have the energy anymore to put up with her family, quirks, and constant railing.
As I sit and write this entry now, I can't help but to think how uncomplicated my life would be if I had someone in my life that respected me and my family. Yeah, I wish things were different.
July 27, 2009
Tired & Frustrated
I had a chance to read the first two chapters of, "So you don't want to go to church anymore."
It had been recommended to me to be a very good book, but since my overall mood as of late is a tad tainted and dark, I'm having a bit of an issue getting into it. Then again, I'm only on page 36, so I'm sure it can only get better.
It's been a few hours since my last post, and I was able to get hold of my wife by phone a few hours ago and get her to agree to a marriage session tomorrow afternoon. If not for her, then it needs to be for me.
I need to hear once again in a controlled room with a moderator on where my wife's head and emotions are at. That will help me decide my next course of action, although I will still be seeing an attorney on Friday at least to satisfy some of my own questions that would have been popping into my head.
It seems that my last few years of life has been a broken record. Please, if anyone is indeed reading this, please make sure that before you enter a relationship that you are indeed equally yoked. I've had a lot of emotional, hormonal, and mental struggles these last 5 years, and not to be a doomsayer, but that's when I got married.
Sure there are good times. And of course I love my wife. However, as the old saying goes, "If I knew then what I know now...", yes, it would be a completely different story. Somewhere the last few years I lost my manhood, not that I am a weakling by any means...I just don't like confrontation in any form, especially in the realm of what ssould be love and happiness. I also wonder how much of these thought and feelings of mine are a result from depression or a chemical imbalance, or did those come after the fact. The old chicked and the egg conundrum.
I'm headed home now....why? I don't know....I have nowhere else to go, and hanging out in a bar is counter productive and expensive. Right this moment I wise I were single.
Where am I at?
Once again, its been a while (much longer than I'd like to admit to) since I've written here, and I'd like to give one particular thank you for Jaime. Jaime, your occasional comments here and there really...encourage...me to continue writing here and exposing myself in the only capacity that I feel I can right now....safely...and to strangers.
I had a recent misstep in my medications. Once I forget to take a pill one day, it just seems to snowball and before I realize it, 4-5 days have gone by where I have forgotten to take my medications.
That's just what happened this past week, and maybe because I thought things were starting move forward again in my life, especially when it comes to the relationship with my wife.
We had been going to counselling on a semi regular basis the last few weeks and we have both made what I consider improvements, at least that's the impression I was given from my wife, but apparently there is still some deep seeded anger toward me for getting her family involved in trying to save our marriage, and as a somewhat of a shocker to me that was revealed over the weekend, she hasn't forgiven me......Not by a long shot....Some things were said to me that all I could do was to listen and try my hardest to maintain a cool head. It didn't help the situation at all that my wife a bit under the influence of the bottle when she chose to unleash on me.
I clearly recall trying my hardest, requesting at least 2-3 times to wait for a better time to have 'her' discussion with me. I say 'her', because she clearly had something to say and on her mind and no pleading will have her ever stop.
In one way I was proud of myself, and it wasn't to tease or mocker her, or try and push her buttons. I recognized very early on in her tirade that there was nothing I was go to do or say that was ever going to be in my favor or get me out of this. So my silence and cool head just brought on more ire from her. I swear, as I write this now, I still can't comprehend what exactly happened, other than she has a lot of pent up anger and rage towards many people, but I find myself the unlucky recipient to be the catcher of all of this. Sometimes, I don't think she is even mad at me, but is able to comfortably project her aggressive tones toward me.
For the few weeks we were doing so well, so it was a real disappointment and source of personal frustration this past weekend when it all seemed to unravel all over again. The names I was called, the level she was screaming at me, no other person would normally take this, and I'll admit I was very close to asking her to leave and not come back.
So with my adrenaline in high gear I took my first Clonzepam in a long time over the weekend and tried to go to bed. Unfortunately sleep did come right away and I'm back to my 4-5 hours a day sleep. I also started my Lexapro, yet again, but since it's been a week of forgetting to take them at all, I'm sure it will take another week for my system to get synced up again.
I haven't gone to church this weekend. My men's group is on hiatus for the next two months, and I just wasn't in the mood for regular service this weekend. I picked up a book, "So, you don't want to go to Church anymore" (by Jake Colsen) as it was recommended to me from a friend. I'm hoping I will get some good insight here.
Needless to say, we aren't talking to each other (I don't have anything to say because I'm mad and I think she owes me an apology) , and don't get me wrong.....I hurt and I am sad, but being thru this a few times now I'm a bit more numb to the experience this time around. I prayed last night and am currently seeking an emergency counseling session with our therapist this week, as it's not scheduled until next week.
The other big news is this morning, I rationally and calmly called an attorney. I don't want to go down this route at all, and fought it tooth and nail a few months ago. It's not the way I was raised and its a symbol of 'giving up', but I haven't given up. I just chose at my age not to be spoken to any longer like a third class citizen, some one who carries this family financially and get berated to a degree I'm embarrassed to say I've allowed. Others have told me they would have walked away some time ago, but being a Christian, it makes it very hard for me to do confrontation. So I am seeking legal advice on a 'legal separation' to find out what kind of steps I may possibly be in for. I can't even believe I am even entertaining this idea any longer, but I can't even have my mental happiness any longer and can't really remember the last time I was truly happy.
I had a recent misstep in my medications. Once I forget to take a pill one day, it just seems to snowball and before I realize it, 4-5 days have gone by where I have forgotten to take my medications.
That's just what happened this past week, and maybe because I thought things were starting move forward again in my life, especially when it comes to the relationship with my wife.
We had been going to counselling on a semi regular basis the last few weeks and we have both made what I consider improvements, at least that's the impression I was given from my wife, but apparently there is still some deep seeded anger toward me for getting her family involved in trying to save our marriage, and as a somewhat of a shocker to me that was revealed over the weekend, she hasn't forgiven me......Not by a long shot....Some things were said to me that all I could do was to listen and try my hardest to maintain a cool head. It didn't help the situation at all that my wife a bit under the influence of the bottle when she chose to unleash on me.
I clearly recall trying my hardest, requesting at least 2-3 times to wait for a better time to have 'her' discussion with me. I say 'her', because she clearly had something to say and on her mind and no pleading will have her ever stop.
In one way I was proud of myself, and it wasn't to tease or mocker her, or try and push her buttons. I recognized very early on in her tirade that there was nothing I was go to do or say that was ever going to be in my favor or get me out of this. So my silence and cool head just brought on more ire from her. I swear, as I write this now, I still can't comprehend what exactly happened, other than she has a lot of pent up anger and rage towards many people, but I find myself the unlucky recipient to be the catcher of all of this. Sometimes, I don't think she is even mad at me, but is able to comfortably project her aggressive tones toward me.
For the few weeks we were doing so well, so it was a real disappointment and source of personal frustration this past weekend when it all seemed to unravel all over again. The names I was called, the level she was screaming at me, no other person would normally take this, and I'll admit I was very close to asking her to leave and not come back.
So with my adrenaline in high gear I took my first Clonzepam in a long time over the weekend and tried to go to bed. Unfortunately sleep did come right away and I'm back to my 4-5 hours a day sleep. I also started my Lexapro, yet again, but since it's been a week of forgetting to take them at all, I'm sure it will take another week for my system to get synced up again.
I haven't gone to church this weekend. My men's group is on hiatus for the next two months, and I just wasn't in the mood for regular service this weekend. I picked up a book, "So, you don't want to go to Church anymore" (by Jake Colsen) as it was recommended to me from a friend. I'm hoping I will get some good insight here.
Needless to say, we aren't talking to each other (I don't have anything to say because I'm mad and I think she owes me an apology) , and don't get me wrong.....I hurt and I am sad, but being thru this a few times now I'm a bit more numb to the experience this time around. I prayed last night and am currently seeking an emergency counseling session with our therapist this week, as it's not scheduled until next week.
The other big news is this morning, I rationally and calmly called an attorney. I don't want to go down this route at all, and fought it tooth and nail a few months ago. It's not the way I was raised and its a symbol of 'giving up', but I haven't given up. I just chose at my age not to be spoken to any longer like a third class citizen, some one who carries this family financially and get berated to a degree I'm embarrassed to say I've allowed. Others have told me they would have walked away some time ago, but being a Christian, it makes it very hard for me to do confrontation. So I am seeking legal advice on a 'legal separation' to find out what kind of steps I may possibly be in for. I can't even believe I am even entertaining this idea any longer, but I can't even have my mental happiness any longer and can't really remember the last time I was truly happy.
July 06, 2009
A slip in medication makes for frustration
It's been a long weekend of sorts.
Because my step daughter is with us right now and with very busy days for both of us at work this past week, we decided to skip out on counseling this past Tuesday.
And then somewhere around Saturday the 3rd, I realized I had forgotten to take my Lexapro for two days and figured when I got home I'd get right back on. Well, I screwed up. It just donned on me that because of all the hoopla surrounding a three day holiday weekend and neighbors bounding in and out galore, that I have now not taken any Lexapro for 4 days now and thus have thrown off my cycle.
It makes a little sense now to me as to why yesterday I was a bit grumpier than usual. Little things started to get under my skin again, but I was chalking that up to the heat and stress of work. I'm sure that those both contributed to my overall mood, but being off the meds now for four days has to have made an impact, and not a favorable one. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, and like I said, just came off a 3 day weekend...I've noticed how much people at work have gotten to me today and it really isn't their fault. Hopefully, I'll remember when I get home and jump back on the meds, but it may now take a good solid week before I get back on track.
We are supposed to have another 3 day weekend this upcoming week and hopefully by then I'll feel better.
Overall tension at my house has been building again, probably moreso on my end. Like I stated earlier, my step-daughter has been with us for almost a week and a half now and the typical teenager attitude has been grating on me much more than it has my wife. But at least I'm smart enought to recognize that and thus decided to leave the house and sequester myself for a few hours on 'alone' time, elsewise I suspect I may have said something I may or may not regret. I suppose at her age of 17, I expect a little more cooperation on things in general, but that doesn't seem to be happening (unless there is something in it for her), and I can feel my patience dwindling. Even my wife finally said something to me very briefly this morning, and I had to take a step back and explain it's a combination of things, not all my stepdaughter, but she definetly isn't making matters easier either.
Finally, once again I skipped church this weekend. Both regular service and mens bible study, and I've really been feeling it deep within. I also feel the struggles and temptations of the world as well, and really do notice when I am not having my spirit fed. It's making it easier for me to slide down the slope of sin and think things I really should really be avoiding in a secular world. It doesn't help matters that I'll also be gone next week as well, so chalk that up to 3 weeks in a row now. Sigh.
Because my step daughter is with us right now and with very busy days for both of us at work this past week, we decided to skip out on counseling this past Tuesday.
And then somewhere around Saturday the 3rd, I realized I had forgotten to take my Lexapro for two days and figured when I got home I'd get right back on. Well, I screwed up. It just donned on me that because of all the hoopla surrounding a three day holiday weekend and neighbors bounding in and out galore, that I have now not taken any Lexapro for 4 days now and thus have thrown off my cycle.
It makes a little sense now to me as to why yesterday I was a bit grumpier than usual. Little things started to get under my skin again, but I was chalking that up to the heat and stress of work. I'm sure that those both contributed to my overall mood, but being off the meds now for four days has to have made an impact, and not a favorable one. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, and like I said, just came off a 3 day weekend...I've noticed how much people at work have gotten to me today and it really isn't their fault. Hopefully, I'll remember when I get home and jump back on the meds, but it may now take a good solid week before I get back on track.
We are supposed to have another 3 day weekend this upcoming week and hopefully by then I'll feel better.
Overall tension at my house has been building again, probably moreso on my end. Like I stated earlier, my step-daughter has been with us for almost a week and a half now and the typical teenager attitude has been grating on me much more than it has my wife. But at least I'm smart enought to recognize that and thus decided to leave the house and sequester myself for a few hours on 'alone' time, elsewise I suspect I may have said something I may or may not regret. I suppose at her age of 17, I expect a little more cooperation on things in general, but that doesn't seem to be happening (unless there is something in it for her), and I can feel my patience dwindling. Even my wife finally said something to me very briefly this morning, and I had to take a step back and explain it's a combination of things, not all my stepdaughter, but she definetly isn't making matters easier either.
Finally, once again I skipped church this weekend. Both regular service and mens bible study, and I've really been feeling it deep within. I also feel the struggles and temptations of the world as well, and really do notice when I am not having my spirit fed. It's making it easier for me to slide down the slope of sin and think things I really should really be avoiding in a secular world. It doesn't help matters that I'll also be gone next week as well, so chalk that up to 3 weeks in a row now. Sigh.
June 29, 2009
A Little Cranky
I'm kinda glad I'm back to work this week, and it will be a short week at well since our company is shutting down Friday for the Holiday.
I accidentally skipped 2 days of my Lexapro. I forgot Friday, remembered Saturday, and then forgot again on Sunday. Thank goodness I remembered this morning, albeit I am super tired. I had a problem sleeping last night, so of course I took an Ambien at 12:30am and had a heck of a time waking back up at 7am this morning. I already have pounded two cups of coffee to jolt me awake, but I have a feeling I'm going to suffer later today.
So I'm not sure if the skipping of the drugs has thrown me off a bit, but I've been feeling a bit frustrated and slightly agitated the last few days. It could also be the heat. We had a surprise heat wave this weekend. We went from cloudy and overcast June gloom, to about 90+ both days over the weekend. Even used the air conditioned for the first time last night this summer.
I didn't go to my men's bible study on Saturday morning, nor did I go to service on Sunday. I'm feeling a tad guilty this morning. I really should have gone to help feed and perhaps minister to my spirit. I just had so many chores this weekend at the house, it never even felt like I had any time off. All the typical: yard work (a lot) , groceries, cooking, laundry, walk the dog, shopping, gym, cleaning the house. I was exhausted, and for what ever reason I couldn't sleep last night.
I'm really looking forward to this three day weekend, and the following week when we go out of town for a few days..
I think I may just cancel my Tuesday therapy session this week. I just need a break. All I want to do is go home, sit in my backyard where it is cool in the late afternoon and read a book and not be bothered by anyone.
My step-daughter is also with us for the next 11 days, and it only took about a day before I found her once again getting under my skin. I'm really trying to be grown up about it, but she's seventeen going on eighteen, and still as lazy as ever. You can barely get her to do anything that doesn't involve the TV unless you ask her, and at this point I don't feel like I should ask her to do anything like clean up her room, load the dishwasher, take out the trash. Yeah, those things seem petty, but we do this every single time. She loves her Spongebob Squarepants and just about everything else idiotic and way too immature fro her age. My wife gets a little perturbed at me when I try and make an excuse to relocate somewhere else in the house, and I do feel bad, but sometimes I just can't take the inane questions and behavior she displays.
Man, I know. This whole entry makes me sound a bit bitter. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say I haven't been a irritated. I really don't know why. I also know this short week at work is gonna be long. It's already started. My phone has been ringing off the hook, and it's like everyone forgot their brain today. A real test of my character and patience today.
I accidentally skipped 2 days of my Lexapro. I forgot Friday, remembered Saturday, and then forgot again on Sunday. Thank goodness I remembered this morning, albeit I am super tired. I had a problem sleeping last night, so of course I took an Ambien at 12:30am and had a heck of a time waking back up at 7am this morning. I already have pounded two cups of coffee to jolt me awake, but I have a feeling I'm going to suffer later today.
So I'm not sure if the skipping of the drugs has thrown me off a bit, but I've been feeling a bit frustrated and slightly agitated the last few days. It could also be the heat. We had a surprise heat wave this weekend. We went from cloudy and overcast June gloom, to about 90+ both days over the weekend. Even used the air conditioned for the first time last night this summer.
I didn't go to my men's bible study on Saturday morning, nor did I go to service on Sunday. I'm feeling a tad guilty this morning. I really should have gone to help feed and perhaps minister to my spirit. I just had so many chores this weekend at the house, it never even felt like I had any time off. All the typical: yard work (a lot) , groceries, cooking, laundry, walk the dog, shopping, gym, cleaning the house. I was exhausted, and for what ever reason I couldn't sleep last night.
I'm really looking forward to this three day weekend, and the following week when we go out of town for a few days..
I think I may just cancel my Tuesday therapy session this week. I just need a break. All I want to do is go home, sit in my backyard where it is cool in the late afternoon and read a book and not be bothered by anyone.
My step-daughter is also with us for the next 11 days, and it only took about a day before I found her once again getting under my skin. I'm really trying to be grown up about it, but she's seventeen going on eighteen, and still as lazy as ever. You can barely get her to do anything that doesn't involve the TV unless you ask her, and at this point I don't feel like I should ask her to do anything like clean up her room, load the dishwasher, take out the trash. Yeah, those things seem petty, but we do this every single time. She loves her Spongebob Squarepants and just about everything else idiotic and way too immature fro her age. My wife gets a little perturbed at me when I try and make an excuse to relocate somewhere else in the house, and I do feel bad, but sometimes I just can't take the inane questions and behavior she displays.
Man, I know. This whole entry makes me sound a bit bitter. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say I haven't been a irritated. I really don't know why. I also know this short week at work is gonna be long. It's already started. My phone has been ringing off the hook, and it's like everyone forgot their brain today. A real test of my character and patience today.
June 26, 2009
Speechless?
No, not really....There is a lot going on, but I can't say anything earth shattering that really needs to be at the forefront.
My wife and I have been going to counseling now together for three straight weeks which is a miracle in and of itself, seeing that she really never wanted to go. When we go, she is still fairly reserved and quiet and I always wlak in determined not to get emotional, to talk a little less, to really say what's on my mind.
Well, I've been emotional at every session so far, I tend to ramble on or talk the most as I've indicated my wife is still pretty guarded, and I never feel like I get to expose the bigger issues....the conversation gets side tracked, or we 'test' the waters without ever jumping in.
There are days I wonder if the couseling really is helping or not. In one way it is...I do get to vent a little bit with someone else in the room who tends to be a moderator and we leave tehre without a blow-up. Some of the things my wife does say blows me away, but it has helped me rethink a few of my own actions, and I suppose that can't all be bad.
To her credit, my wife and her attitude and actions towards me has improved. Things aren't perfect, nor do I claim to be a prince who does no wrong, but she is indeed a different person than she was a few months ago. That being said, she still harbors a lot of anger to her mother, sister, and still has issues with her daughter and my mother as well (but the relationship with my mom and her seem to be improving).
My wife still doesn't attend church with me, and I'll be honest, the last few weeks, my heart hasn't been in it either. I do go to Saturday morning men's bible study, and I will pray and read throughout the week, but the service itself.....if I could just have the service, and not the singing before and after, I'd be much happier. I'm just not a singer and I find myself critiquing the songs and lyrics instead of enjoying them for what they are.
We will have my stepdaughter starting today for the next 11 days as her dad will be out of town. Speaking of which, my feeling were a little hurt this Sunday when my step-daughter, for three years in a row now, failed to wish me a happy fathers day. Sigh.
We were all at a family gathering yesterday for my father-in-laws birthday, and my step daughter was there as well. I honestly don't knos what triggered it, but at one point my wife did ask me what was wrong and I told her that "Here we are again...and no mention of Father's Day". My wife marched off and must have said something to my stepdaughter because about 2 minutes later she came trudging out, hugged me and said 'Happy belated Fathers Day.' Yeah, nice....no way she could have figured that out on her own, she had to be told to tell me, so it wasn't really from the heart. It really didn't help matters when my neighbors came by to tell us that there own pregnancy is going well, that they are having twins, a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong....I'm very happy for them, but it just depresses me. I have a step daughter in which I try and try, and she could just care less. Needless to say, it will be an interesting 11 days.
Then in about two weeks, July 11th, my wife and I and my best friend and his wife are going out for a 3 day get-away. I'm really looking forward to it. To get away from work, the house, and hopefully spend some quality time with my wife. And to be with my best friend. Is that bad that I am actually more excited that he and his wife are going with me than my spouse? Funny thing is my friend is an atheist, and he knows I'm a devaout Chritian, yet we get along like two peas in a pod. I also get to test out my new camera as well.
My regime of Lexapro is still on....I've been taking my pills daily now for about 5 weeks I figure. My body has adjusted as I am feeling certain emotions, heck, like I said I've been getting a little emotional at therapy, but otherwise I feel fine...maybe a littel tired from time to time, but I suppose all the chemicals in my head are playing nicely together.
The biggest excitement of the day today is going out to an Indian buffet for lunch (I love tandori and tikka foods), and most likely playing golf tonight on my video game console.
My wife and I have been going to counseling now together for three straight weeks which is a miracle in and of itself, seeing that she really never wanted to go. When we go, she is still fairly reserved and quiet and I always wlak in determined not to get emotional, to talk a little less, to really say what's on my mind.
Well, I've been emotional at every session so far, I tend to ramble on or talk the most as I've indicated my wife is still pretty guarded, and I never feel like I get to expose the bigger issues....the conversation gets side tracked, or we 'test' the waters without ever jumping in.
There are days I wonder if the couseling really is helping or not. In one way it is...I do get to vent a little bit with someone else in the room who tends to be a moderator and we leave tehre without a blow-up. Some of the things my wife does say blows me away, but it has helped me rethink a few of my own actions, and I suppose that can't all be bad.
To her credit, my wife and her attitude and actions towards me has improved. Things aren't perfect, nor do I claim to be a prince who does no wrong, but she is indeed a different person than she was a few months ago. That being said, she still harbors a lot of anger to her mother, sister, and still has issues with her daughter and my mother as well (but the relationship with my mom and her seem to be improving).
My wife still doesn't attend church with me, and I'll be honest, the last few weeks, my heart hasn't been in it either. I do go to Saturday morning men's bible study, and I will pray and read throughout the week, but the service itself.....if I could just have the service, and not the singing before and after, I'd be much happier. I'm just not a singer and I find myself critiquing the songs and lyrics instead of enjoying them for what they are.
We will have my stepdaughter starting today for the next 11 days as her dad will be out of town. Speaking of which, my feeling were a little hurt this Sunday when my step-daughter, for three years in a row now, failed to wish me a happy fathers day. Sigh.
We were all at a family gathering yesterday for my father-in-laws birthday, and my step daughter was there as well. I honestly don't knos what triggered it, but at one point my wife did ask me what was wrong and I told her that "Here we are again...and no mention of Father's Day". My wife marched off and must have said something to my stepdaughter because about 2 minutes later she came trudging out, hugged me and said 'Happy belated Fathers Day.' Yeah, nice....no way she could have figured that out on her own, she had to be told to tell me, so it wasn't really from the heart. It really didn't help matters when my neighbors came by to tell us that there own pregnancy is going well, that they are having twins, a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong....I'm very happy for them, but it just depresses me. I have a step daughter in which I try and try, and she could just care less. Needless to say, it will be an interesting 11 days.
Then in about two weeks, July 11th, my wife and I and my best friend and his wife are going out for a 3 day get-away. I'm really looking forward to it. To get away from work, the house, and hopefully spend some quality time with my wife. And to be with my best friend. Is that bad that I am actually more excited that he and his wife are going with me than my spouse? Funny thing is my friend is an atheist, and he knows I'm a devaout Chritian, yet we get along like two peas in a pod. I also get to test out my new camera as well.
My regime of Lexapro is still on....I've been taking my pills daily now for about 5 weeks I figure. My body has adjusted as I am feeling certain emotions, heck, like I said I've been getting a little emotional at therapy, but otherwise I feel fine...maybe a littel tired from time to time, but I suppose all the chemicals in my head are playing nicely together.
The biggest excitement of the day today is going out to an Indian buffet for lunch (I love tandori and tikka foods), and most likely playing golf tonight on my video game console.
June 09, 2009
Joint session tonight
My wife has agreed to our first joint marriage therapy session this evening, and for the first time in weeks, I'm not sure what to tyhink about it or what even to talk about.
We've been getting along better the last few weeks, better than we have been in a long time, but far from perfect.
I don't believe she knows I'm on what I like to call my 'Happy Pills, i.e. Lexapro. As I've said before, the medication makes me very tired and if anything my wife has noticed I am having a harder time getting up in the mornings and am going to bed earlier in the evenings. The afternoons are the worst. Usually somehwere between 2pm and 3pm, I know if I went to lay down somewhere, I'd most likely fall alseep or take a nap.
So, since the mild intervention that happened almost 2 months ago, today will be the first time we're back in front of the therapist...and while I think I have a lot to say, I'm really hoping the therapist will take charge and pose much more questions to my wife than to me. Not that I don't think that I am absolved of putting forth additional effort right now....its just I'm a little hesitant to say anything lest I 'rock the boat', or start a journey down a constructive and critical path I may pay for later with my wife's behavioral response or sarcastic words.
Do I want to talk about the drinking? Yes. About her lack of communication and backwards priorities? Yes. The disfunctional way her relationship with her daughter, parents, and sister are going? Yes... But I'm also afraid to open a can of worms.....I just want peace and quiet, so I'm not real inspired to lead the charge tonight. I want to be the observer, listener, and responder this time.
We've been getting along better the last few weeks, better than we have been in a long time, but far from perfect.
I don't believe she knows I'm on what I like to call my 'Happy Pills, i.e. Lexapro. As I've said before, the medication makes me very tired and if anything my wife has noticed I am having a harder time getting up in the mornings and am going to bed earlier in the evenings. The afternoons are the worst. Usually somehwere between 2pm and 3pm, I know if I went to lay down somewhere, I'd most likely fall alseep or take a nap.
So, since the mild intervention that happened almost 2 months ago, today will be the first time we're back in front of the therapist...and while I think I have a lot to say, I'm really hoping the therapist will take charge and pose much more questions to my wife than to me. Not that I don't think that I am absolved of putting forth additional effort right now....its just I'm a little hesitant to say anything lest I 'rock the boat', or start a journey down a constructive and critical path I may pay for later with my wife's behavioral response or sarcastic words.
Do I want to talk about the drinking? Yes. About her lack of communication and backwards priorities? Yes. The disfunctional way her relationship with her daughter, parents, and sister are going? Yes... But I'm also afraid to open a can of worms.....I just want peace and quiet, so I'm not real inspired to lead the charge tonight. I want to be the observer, listener, and responder this time.
June 01, 2009
3+ weeks of Lexapro
Thank you Jamie for the last comments you left here and apologies for not updating sooner.
Before I talk about the Lexapro, I'm sad to say that the pastor that married my wife and I and who was a huge factor in me becoming a christian passed about a week and a half ago. It was prostate cancer that could have been dealt with early on if he'd gone to regular checkups, but didn't. By the time they caught it, it was advanced enough that it was too late to do anything.
I am indeed sad by this news, however, I'm not as sad as I think I should be, and I suppose that has to do with the Lexapro. It's hard to describe, but I am fully aware that the medication has indeed 'kicked' in and my highs and lows are minimized. The best way I can describe it is that while I can in fact foucs on things right now, I seem to be somewhat incapable of super multi-tasking. That means that I can usually juggle a 1/2 dozen thoughts or tasks at any given time without much concentration, but now it seems as if I can only do 2-3 at any moment and my focus and concentration has to be slightly more intense.
The best analogy I can come up with is that lets say without Lexapro my field of vision on events is almost 180 degrees and you can pick up things in the peripheral. Now that I am medicated again, my overall visionhas condensed to a smaller but more focused field of view, say 60 degrees of everything in front of me. Much of the peripheral 'noise' is gone or at least un-noticed.
I still haven't told my wife that I'm on the drugs, but I did share the news with my therapist and some of my mens bible study group. And even before I told them, they all said that seem to be more relaxed, cheery, and able to crack a smile for the first time in months. My therapist said that I seemed less intense and more relaxed that I had in the past, so apparently it smust be working to some degree.
While my emotions do feel a little less intense overall, it hasn't done too much for my patience and I have still been able to get angry at some bone-headed decions at work. So I'm definetly not perfect or did a complete about face with my emotions.
Two other side effects I've noticed as well: 1) libido & 2) fatigue.
On the libido front of course I still have carnal desires and thoughts. Those have not gone away, but let's say certain 'performance' issues have occured where it takes me much longer to, um, 'finish', and that's all I'll say about that.
Fatigue is the big one though: I am much more tired than before and usually don't have much problem falling asleep at night. But I seem to get tired and exhausted throughout the day moreso than ever. I can easily go out to my car at lunch at nap, or fall asleep sitting on the couch watching TV. Getting up in the morning takes a bit more effort as well, and I catch myself yawning much more. I've alos noticed that alcohol really intensfies the drowsy sensation. If I have a beer or two, it really makes me tired and ready for bed.
But I suppose it's good enough trade....I haven't had any anti-anxiety meds in almost 3 weeks where as I was popping them every other day. Family, friends, and co-workers have all said I'm a bit more 'chipper', and I know I don't have obsessive thoughts like before. This has also helped my marriage out as well.....at the very least we are getting along much better than before, although we don't agree on everything...and probably never will. It's much easier for me to walk away from the snarky remarks or incidents that would push my buttons.
Before I talk about the Lexapro, I'm sad to say that the pastor that married my wife and I and who was a huge factor in me becoming a christian passed about a week and a half ago. It was prostate cancer that could have been dealt with early on if he'd gone to regular checkups, but didn't. By the time they caught it, it was advanced enough that it was too late to do anything.
I am indeed sad by this news, however, I'm not as sad as I think I should be, and I suppose that has to do with the Lexapro. It's hard to describe, but I am fully aware that the medication has indeed 'kicked' in and my highs and lows are minimized. The best way I can describe it is that while I can in fact foucs on things right now, I seem to be somewhat incapable of super multi-tasking. That means that I can usually juggle a 1/2 dozen thoughts or tasks at any given time without much concentration, but now it seems as if I can only do 2-3 at any moment and my focus and concentration has to be slightly more intense.
The best analogy I can come up with is that lets say without Lexapro my field of vision on events is almost 180 degrees and you can pick up things in the peripheral. Now that I am medicated again, my overall visionhas condensed to a smaller but more focused field of view, say 60 degrees of everything in front of me. Much of the peripheral 'noise' is gone or at least un-noticed.
I still haven't told my wife that I'm on the drugs, but I did share the news with my therapist and some of my mens bible study group. And even before I told them, they all said that seem to be more relaxed, cheery, and able to crack a smile for the first time in months. My therapist said that I seemed less intense and more relaxed that I had in the past, so apparently it smust be working to some degree.
While my emotions do feel a little less intense overall, it hasn't done too much for my patience and I have still been able to get angry at some bone-headed decions at work. So I'm definetly not perfect or did a complete about face with my emotions.
Two other side effects I've noticed as well: 1) libido & 2) fatigue.
On the libido front of course I still have carnal desires and thoughts. Those have not gone away, but let's say certain 'performance' issues have occured where it takes me much longer to, um, 'finish', and that's all I'll say about that.
Fatigue is the big one though: I am much more tired than before and usually don't have much problem falling asleep at night. But I seem to get tired and exhausted throughout the day moreso than ever. I can easily go out to my car at lunch at nap, or fall asleep sitting on the couch watching TV. Getting up in the morning takes a bit more effort as well, and I catch myself yawning much more. I've alos noticed that alcohol really intensfies the drowsy sensation. If I have a beer or two, it really makes me tired and ready for bed.
But I suppose it's good enough trade....I haven't had any anti-anxiety meds in almost 3 weeks where as I was popping them every other day. Family, friends, and co-workers have all said I'm a bit more 'chipper', and I know I don't have obsessive thoughts like before. This has also helped my marriage out as well.....at the very least we are getting along much better than before, although we don't agree on everything...and probably never will. It's much easier for me to walk away from the snarky remarks or incidents that would push my buttons.
May 13, 2009
Taking the edge off
Well, as I told you in my last post I started a new regime of Lexapro, and today is day 7. The doctor says it takes upwards of two weeks to kick in, but I'm pretty sure it has already kicked in.
Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.
I've noticed two side effects so far:
1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.
2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.
I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.
Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.
She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.
All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.
Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.
I've noticed two side effects so far:
1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.
2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.
I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.
Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.
She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.
All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.
May 11, 2009
Meds again
I don't take this offering to you very lightly, but after many weeks of long self-deliberation, I have decided to begin taking anti-depressants again.
These last few months I have gone through a lot of emotional trials and tribulations with my marriage, work, and other aspects of my personal life that I began to notice both physical and mental side affects. Among them were increased irritability, bouts of insomnia, stress related digestive issues, and an overall feeling of restlessness and anxiousness. Especially the anxiety. When your heart feels like it's about to explode out of your chest, and deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques don't seem to have any effect, it's time to see the doctor.
And I'm sad to admit even prayer and spending time in the Word did little to get my mind from drifting off on negative tangents.
It has been over three years now since I last took Lexapro, and despite my continued attempts to find a 'happy' medium in my life, whether it be from God, counselors, friends, or family, it just wasn't always working. I'd have a few good days, and then once incident could shatter all the good stuff that came right before it.
In my line of work, I can't afford to be short, crabby, or irritable with the customers or my peers, and that is exactly what was happening. Then I'd get home, take my dog for a walk, and the problems surrounding my marriage seem to compound and take on a life of their own. By the time it was late enough to go to bed, my mind was so worked up, I could no longer turn it off. And then when it came to prayer to address those helpless feelings, I'm sorry, I still couldn't let go, and thus I would become physically uncomfortable as if I were about to have a panic attack with my heart racing.
So this past Thursday I went to see my doctor and we agreed that perhaps I should get back on the Lexapro and instead on Clonzepam for anxiety, I would be given generic Xanax (0.25mg) per tablet.
Suffice to say, I have only taken one Xanax since Thursday, but have taken my Lexapro every day now since Thursday. It generally takes about 1.5-2 weeks for your body to adjust and the Lexapro to kick in, so hopefully by the upcoming weekend I will feel more even for the time being.
These last few months I have gone through a lot of emotional trials and tribulations with my marriage, work, and other aspects of my personal life that I began to notice both physical and mental side affects. Among them were increased irritability, bouts of insomnia, stress related digestive issues, and an overall feeling of restlessness and anxiousness. Especially the anxiety. When your heart feels like it's about to explode out of your chest, and deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques don't seem to have any effect, it's time to see the doctor.
And I'm sad to admit even prayer and spending time in the Word did little to get my mind from drifting off on negative tangents.
It has been over three years now since I last took Lexapro, and despite my continued attempts to find a 'happy' medium in my life, whether it be from God, counselors, friends, or family, it just wasn't always working. I'd have a few good days, and then once incident could shatter all the good stuff that came right before it.
In my line of work, I can't afford to be short, crabby, or irritable with the customers or my peers, and that is exactly what was happening. Then I'd get home, take my dog for a walk, and the problems surrounding my marriage seem to compound and take on a life of their own. By the time it was late enough to go to bed, my mind was so worked up, I could no longer turn it off. And then when it came to prayer to address those helpless feelings, I'm sorry, I still couldn't let go, and thus I would become physically uncomfortable as if I were about to have a panic attack with my heart racing.
So this past Thursday I went to see my doctor and we agreed that perhaps I should get back on the Lexapro and instead on Clonzepam for anxiety, I would be given generic Xanax (0.25mg) per tablet.
Suffice to say, I have only taken one Xanax since Thursday, but have taken my Lexapro every day now since Thursday. It generally takes about 1.5-2 weeks for your body to adjust and the Lexapro to kick in, so hopefully by the upcoming weekend I will feel more even for the time being.
May 07, 2009
Restless Again
Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. - (Isaiah 41:10)
Not sure why, but my restless spirit continues, even after much prayer.
It was our neighbors birthday yesterday, and instead of going out with the girls, she opted instead to hang out on her front porch and have some of us hang out with her. I think my wife was a bit disappointed as I had the feeling she was looking forward to going out with just some of the girls, but instead it included two guys as well sipping some libations and just shooting the breeze.
I myself had a few drinks, and perhaps that contributed to my restlessness. I often heard that drinking can affect a good nights sleep. I was in bed just after 10pm, and I'm pretty sure my wife came in just after me. I was very tired and must have fallen asleep within a few minutes, but unfortunately beginning at 2am, I was up almost every hour on the hour. The one thing I noticed at these times was that I felt a tad of anxiety still, but I couldn't put a finger on the cause.
Was I still thinking about divorce? Was I thinking about this upcoming weekend and the possible drama that may ensue? Was it Mothers Day and my wife's bitterness towards the day? Maybe it is my job....I do feel very burnt out as of late. The last two weeks, there has been someone calling in sick or leaving early every single day leaving us short handed and I'm picking up the slack. I'm tired, and cranky, and can't help but think that even on these upcoming two days off (Sat & Sun) that I have a bunch of chores and obligations that I am not looking forward to myself.
I finally gave up trying to sleep at around 6am and opted to take a long, hot shower, although I just took one the night before. I began to pray in earnest to absolve my anxiety and/or stress and it seemed to dissipate a bit.
When I finally got out of the shower, my wife was now up as well, and I asked her to simply pray for me today, that I learn to calm my negative energies and de-stress. Right now, I don't feel so good. Most likely due to lack of sleep, but I'm sure a lot has to do with my mind working overtime on the state of my marriage.
I have a meeting this morning at 10:30am that is supposed to last up until lunch time, but I think I may leave early today to go home and decompress. I realize we are short handed, but I really do need a mental break and quiet time. I'm already picturing myself at home, on the couch, listening to some soft music and perhaps taking a brief nap.
That's one thing for sure I need to speak with the counselor next week about...relaxation techniques. I need to be able to stop the anxiety before it starts and put my faith in Christ to see me through all this.
Not sure why, but my restless spirit continues, even after much prayer.
It was our neighbors birthday yesterday, and instead of going out with the girls, she opted instead to hang out on her front porch and have some of us hang out with her. I think my wife was a bit disappointed as I had the feeling she was looking forward to going out with just some of the girls, but instead it included two guys as well sipping some libations and just shooting the breeze.
I myself had a few drinks, and perhaps that contributed to my restlessness. I often heard that drinking can affect a good nights sleep. I was in bed just after 10pm, and I'm pretty sure my wife came in just after me. I was very tired and must have fallen asleep within a few minutes, but unfortunately beginning at 2am, I was up almost every hour on the hour. The one thing I noticed at these times was that I felt a tad of anxiety still, but I couldn't put a finger on the cause.
Was I still thinking about divorce? Was I thinking about this upcoming weekend and the possible drama that may ensue? Was it Mothers Day and my wife's bitterness towards the day? Maybe it is my job....I do feel very burnt out as of late. The last two weeks, there has been someone calling in sick or leaving early every single day leaving us short handed and I'm picking up the slack. I'm tired, and cranky, and can't help but think that even on these upcoming two days off (Sat & Sun) that I have a bunch of chores and obligations that I am not looking forward to myself.
I finally gave up trying to sleep at around 6am and opted to take a long, hot shower, although I just took one the night before. I began to pray in earnest to absolve my anxiety and/or stress and it seemed to dissipate a bit.
When I finally got out of the shower, my wife was now up as well, and I asked her to simply pray for me today, that I learn to calm my negative energies and de-stress. Right now, I don't feel so good. Most likely due to lack of sleep, but I'm sure a lot has to do with my mind working overtime on the state of my marriage.
I have a meeting this morning at 10:30am that is supposed to last up until lunch time, but I think I may leave early today to go home and decompress. I realize we are short handed, but I really do need a mental break and quiet time. I'm already picturing myself at home, on the couch, listening to some soft music and perhaps taking a brief nap.
That's one thing for sure I need to speak with the counselor next week about...relaxation techniques. I need to be able to stop the anxiety before it starts and put my faith in Christ to see me through all this.
May 06, 2009
Sullen Day
Sullen isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but at the moment best describes my mood.
I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.
Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.
This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.
So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.
I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.
So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.
My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.
I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.
Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.
This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.
So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.
I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.
So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.
My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.
April 30, 2009
Peaceful Days
While I am a bit tired right now and could probably use a nap in general, things have been relatively peaceful the last few days.
I went to counseling this past Tuesday and it was fine. I only shed tears for a moment. And I'm happy to report my wife is going sometime today if she hasn't gone already by now.
The last two days in particular have seemed very peaceful both at home and at work, and I'm looking forwards to going back to church this weekend. We've both been talking with each other and I notice that we are both willing to try to make certain accommodations for each other at home. We've taken turns this week in making meals and/or cleaning up afterwards for each other and the overall tone at the house has been tranquil.
My step-daughter comes tomorrow and we had discussed earlier on going out to pizza together for a family meal, and then some time later on in the afternoon on Saturday to go bowling together.
I received my 6 CD set yesterday, "Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage" by Pastor Jack Abeelen and will listen to the first CD hopefully today.
Work has been busy the last few days, though I do feel a bit burnt out right now...like I said earlier, just tired and could use an extra hour or so of sound sleep. This afternoon will go by rather slowly I suppose, and the best thing I have on my docket is walking my dog when I get home.
I went to counseling this past Tuesday and it was fine. I only shed tears for a moment. And I'm happy to report my wife is going sometime today if she hasn't gone already by now.
The last two days in particular have seemed very peaceful both at home and at work, and I'm looking forwards to going back to church this weekend. We've both been talking with each other and I notice that we are both willing to try to make certain accommodations for each other at home. We've taken turns this week in making meals and/or cleaning up afterwards for each other and the overall tone at the house has been tranquil.
My step-daughter comes tomorrow and we had discussed earlier on going out to pizza together for a family meal, and then some time later on in the afternoon on Saturday to go bowling together.
I received my 6 CD set yesterday, "Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage" by Pastor Jack Abeelen and will listen to the first CD hopefully today.
Work has been busy the last few days, though I do feel a bit burnt out right now...like I said earlier, just tired and could use an extra hour or so of sound sleep. This afternoon will go by rather slowly I suppose, and the best thing I have on my docket is walking my dog when I get home.
April 28, 2009
Therapy Tonight
The last few days have actually gone better than expected.
After a few weeks of being miserable, confrontation, emotional, and wondering if my marriage was going to survive or not....we've actually been getting along very good the last couple of days.
Friday evening we went out for a dinner date and had a real good time. Dinner was good and talking about the good 'ole days seems to both put us in a receptive mood towards each other. Afterwards, we drove to a small little venue to listen to some music and met a very nice man who inexplicably began talking to us about marriage and the Lord. Deep down inside I was very excited and wonder if God sent this man into our lives at that moment to speak to us, or at least my wife.
Saturday I went out with my guy friends and had a great day seeing old friends and laughing and sharing.
Sunday I did skip church again (2 weeks in a row) to do chores about the house. My wife also agreed to go out with me in the afternoon for a snack and to meet a few mutual friends for dinner.
Monday, I met her at her bowling alley and hung out for an hour and then left, and she was home early!
Tonight I have a session, and we are having dinner together afterwards, and she shared with me that she is going back for her own therapy session again on Thursday.
So at the very least, we have stabilized our relationship and seem to be wanting to work it out and not become another statistic. I can't say we are out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping that your continued prayers and our own re-dedicated efforts towards each other may have a long lasting effect.
After a few weeks of being miserable, confrontation, emotional, and wondering if my marriage was going to survive or not....we've actually been getting along very good the last couple of days.
Friday evening we went out for a dinner date and had a real good time. Dinner was good and talking about the good 'ole days seems to both put us in a receptive mood towards each other. Afterwards, we drove to a small little venue to listen to some music and met a very nice man who inexplicably began talking to us about marriage and the Lord. Deep down inside I was very excited and wonder if God sent this man into our lives at that moment to speak to us, or at least my wife.
Saturday I went out with my guy friends and had a great day seeing old friends and laughing and sharing.
Sunday I did skip church again (2 weeks in a row) to do chores about the house. My wife also agreed to go out with me in the afternoon for a snack and to meet a few mutual friends for dinner.
Monday, I met her at her bowling alley and hung out for an hour and then left, and she was home early!
Tonight I have a session, and we are having dinner together afterwards, and she shared with me that she is going back for her own therapy session again on Thursday.
So at the very least, we have stabilized our relationship and seem to be wanting to work it out and not become another statistic. I can't say we are out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping that your continued prayers and our own re-dedicated efforts towards each other may have a long lasting effect.
April 24, 2009
A New Day
Since they are no longer two but one, let no one seperate them, for God has joined them together - (Matthew 19:6)Yesterday I really had a tough day of things. My emotions ebbed and flowed throughout the day and by the time I got home last night, my appetite was shot... Funny because my wife asked me what I wanted to do for dinner, and I kid you not, I must have offered up 5 different suggestions, and they were all shot down. It ended up having me make tuna helper as a last resort, and I may have had 3/4 of a serving before I just couldn't eat anymore.
My wife was so engrossed in Facebook again, it wasn't until I went to go take a shower....after I ate...that I guess she spooned herself a few bites to eat not in my company.
In the shower, I let the hot water cascade down my head, onto my shoulders and back, just trying to relax. Once out of the shower I opened the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapam (1mg) and looked at the left over 20mg Lexapro tablets I have. For a few minutes I hung onto the medicine cabinet and pictured myself calling my doctor and requesting a refill on both....something you normally wouldn't do, and I can just imagine the quizzing I'd be subject to. He'd most likely want me to come in, charge me for the office visit, and maybe, just maybe agree that I need to go back on the meds.
I'm seriously considering it. I need a little numbness I think, and alcohol is not the answer. A re-trial of the Lexapro (maybe 15mg) for a few weeks may help me regulate my emotions, especially when I have difficult times at work. I'm also going to ask if the Clonzapam comes perhaps in a 2mg form, as 1mg just doesn't seem to be enough...though it does help.
By 10pm I went to bed, and my wife soon followed...on her side of the bed of course, and our mini-schnauzer as the buffer between us.
This morning I reached over and grabbed her hand....to hold it...and surprisingly she held it back. I didn't want to let go even after 10 minutes, and finally asked her if I could snuggle her...and she agreed!! I lay next to her, no words spoken between us, just me hugging her over the top as she fell back asleep in my arms another ten minutes.
I finally had to get up and get ready for work, and I swear I heard her say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" Of course I would anyway, but did I hear right? Did she call me "Babe."? I haven't heard that in so long, and it looks like today started off on the right foot.
Tonight we are going out on a date. I offered to take her to dinner to a specialty seafood restaurant that she inquired about so long ago, and so she agreed. I'm not trying to get my hopes up too much, but it's a start. We'll be meeting at home after work, change, and then take a nice drive to a city we rarely get to anymore to have a nice dinner and hopefully to talk. Afterwards, if it is not too cold, perhaps I can convince her to take a stroll with me under the night sky like we used to do oh so long ago.
On another front, I was listening to a Christian radio station today and heard part of a message entitled "Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage", by Pastor Jack Abeelen. The series itself is 6 parts and I ended making an impulse purchase over the web for the series. Click here to see what I'm talking about. I'm hoping that my wife will listen to it as well, or at least part of it.
April 23, 2009
Holding it together
I don't know why, but in the last hour or so today I have had an overwhelming sense of dread.
I had a dream last night, very vivid and very detailed in regards to my marriage. In it my wife basically said that she was "going to the marriage counseling sessions but it hadn't changed anything....that she was still no longer in love with me." I awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, at 2:40am this morning and it took me a while to fall back asleep.
I realize it's just a dream and a manifestation of my deepest fears, but the last two days I was doing 'okay', and today I feel like a wreck. I'm barely keeping it together right now, and have already had to take a brief walk outside to hide and hold back the tears in my eyes.
One of the guys from church called me today to check in, and another friend texted me to lend support, but it's not enough right now.
I can't push my wife, lest I drive her away, but she didn't speak to me yesterday about her session, and I have no clue if she's going to go again. She did agree to go out to dinner with me on Friday night....I hinted at it as if it were a date, but I'm not sure she picked up on that. And today when I kissed her goodbye before I went to work, I told her I loved her....but there was no response back. I didn't want to show that it botehred me, but inside it hurts really bad.
It also hurts that I want to be close and intimaet with her, and yet we have been physically apart for almost 3 months now, even though we are under the same roof.
I've got so much on my mind today, and the stess of work isn't helping out in that realm either. I feel contained and holding in my energy and internal rage, afraid to let out a primal scream and let loose like a rabid and feral animal. That's not very grown up of me, and yet that's how I feel.
My motehr in-law called me today as well to see how I'm doing....they are going on vacation today for the next 12 days and so I feel I have another support mechanism lost for now.
Lord, please hear my prayers and see me through this day and the next. Please give me a sign, or have my wife open up to me to see how thinsg are going between us.
I had a dream last night, very vivid and very detailed in regards to my marriage. In it my wife basically said that she was "going to the marriage counseling sessions but it hadn't changed anything....that she was still no longer in love with me." I awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, at 2:40am this morning and it took me a while to fall back asleep.
I realize it's just a dream and a manifestation of my deepest fears, but the last two days I was doing 'okay', and today I feel like a wreck. I'm barely keeping it together right now, and have already had to take a brief walk outside to hide and hold back the tears in my eyes.
One of the guys from church called me today to check in, and another friend texted me to lend support, but it's not enough right now.
I can't push my wife, lest I drive her away, but she didn't speak to me yesterday about her session, and I have no clue if she's going to go again. She did agree to go out to dinner with me on Friday night....I hinted at it as if it were a date, but I'm not sure she picked up on that. And today when I kissed her goodbye before I went to work, I told her I loved her....but there was no response back. I didn't want to show that it botehred me, but inside it hurts really bad.
It also hurts that I want to be close and intimaet with her, and yet we have been physically apart for almost 3 months now, even though we are under the same roof.
I've got so much on my mind today, and the stess of work isn't helping out in that realm either. I feel contained and holding in my energy and internal rage, afraid to let out a primal scream and let loose like a rabid and feral animal. That's not very grown up of me, and yet that's how I feel.
My motehr in-law called me today as well to see how I'm doing....they are going on vacation today for the next 12 days and so I feel I have another support mechanism lost for now.
Lord, please hear my prayers and see me through this day and the next. Please give me a sign, or have my wife open up to me to see how thinsg are going between us.
Eye of the Storm (Part III)
**the events that I write about in this series took place almost a week ago, and a lot has happened in a mere five days to even keep up with, so I apologize upfront if things seem disjointed.
My in laws spoke with my wife in a gentle manner as she stood in the kitchen and over the course of the next 45 minutes there were some brief tears on her behalf and on mine. My wife admitted to not be happy lately, but it was beyond even our marriage....work, friends, family, etc. It just seemed to keep piling up and her attitude in general began to turn dour. The outlet being anything else that allowed for temporary escape from the here and now, whether that be alcohol, Facebook, girls night out, etc. She said my constant asking her "what's wrong" was only aggravating her emotions and she was feeling stifled and crowded.
She went on to say that her parents no longer 'knew' her, and nothing was going to get fixed in the next few days or two weeks. That really bothered me because I knew it was a long slow build to get to this point, and I missed some obvious signs and should have interceded long ago. I also know that it isn't going to get solved in just a few days and I never brought up a timeline of a few days or two weeks she kept referring to. But I was tired of coming home to a marriage and relationship that is seemingly in limbo, with only one party trying to move forward and the other non-responsive.
Her father flattered me very nicely by saying that he thought I was a good man, that he knew I loved his daughter, and that she wasn't going to find someone else like me....and she agreed with him, but it stung that she couldn't look at me.
Her mother asked her why she never went to counseling last year when she promised she would, and there was really no answer. Her mother and father then had my wife agree to go to counseling this week, and my wife said she would call Monday. However, she also directed some pent up anger back towards me again, "What do you want from me?"....I simply replied "You want your old husband back, I want my old wife back."
Other bits and pieces of conversation went back and forth, and by the one hour mark, her parents had hugged her and then my father began to speak to her. I took this time to leave her be as I walked the dog, help clear my head, and be happy it was all over. Even though I had witnessed her beginning to talk both calmly and rationally to her parents and my father, I knew she would harbor ill feelings towards me for the days to come.
When I arrived back home from my walk with the dog, she was leaving the house, off to see her friends for a weekend she planned sometime back. I'll be honest in saying I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was bummed because clearly this was a defining moment, and once again, she was out the door. On the flip side, I know if she stayed home it would be awkward for both of us, and now I needed a day by myself to collect my thoughts and dump my mind, and to pray.
My father stayed a bit behind to speak with me to see if I was going to be okay, and we just sat on the couch for an hour or so before he decided it was okay to leave me be. I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, going to the gym, watching some TV and eventually went to bed.
I also knew that despite my longing to go to church on Sunday, that I really was in no mood to either. I didn't want to face anybody there, and needed to continue to collect my strength throughout the day for when my wife would come home. I'm sure I hadn't heard the last of it, and I wasn't expecting her at home at all until very late in the day or even possibly that evening.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the garage door go up at 10:45am that morning.
To be continued....
My in laws spoke with my wife in a gentle manner as she stood in the kitchen and over the course of the next 45 minutes there were some brief tears on her behalf and on mine. My wife admitted to not be happy lately, but it was beyond even our marriage....work, friends, family, etc. It just seemed to keep piling up and her attitude in general began to turn dour. The outlet being anything else that allowed for temporary escape from the here and now, whether that be alcohol, Facebook, girls night out, etc. She said my constant asking her "what's wrong" was only aggravating her emotions and she was feeling stifled and crowded.
She went on to say that her parents no longer 'knew' her, and nothing was going to get fixed in the next few days or two weeks. That really bothered me because I knew it was a long slow build to get to this point, and I missed some obvious signs and should have interceded long ago. I also know that it isn't going to get solved in just a few days and I never brought up a timeline of a few days or two weeks she kept referring to. But I was tired of coming home to a marriage and relationship that is seemingly in limbo, with only one party trying to move forward and the other non-responsive.
Her father flattered me very nicely by saying that he thought I was a good man, that he knew I loved his daughter, and that she wasn't going to find someone else like me....and she agreed with him, but it stung that she couldn't look at me.
Her mother asked her why she never went to counseling last year when she promised she would, and there was really no answer. Her mother and father then had my wife agree to go to counseling this week, and my wife said she would call Monday. However, she also directed some pent up anger back towards me again, "What do you want from me?"....I simply replied "You want your old husband back, I want my old wife back."
Other bits and pieces of conversation went back and forth, and by the one hour mark, her parents had hugged her and then my father began to speak to her. I took this time to leave her be as I walked the dog, help clear my head, and be happy it was all over. Even though I had witnessed her beginning to talk both calmly and rationally to her parents and my father, I knew she would harbor ill feelings towards me for the days to come.
When I arrived back home from my walk with the dog, she was leaving the house, off to see her friends for a weekend she planned sometime back. I'll be honest in saying I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was bummed because clearly this was a defining moment, and once again, she was out the door. On the flip side, I know if she stayed home it would be awkward for both of us, and now I needed a day by myself to collect my thoughts and dump my mind, and to pray.
My father stayed a bit behind to speak with me to see if I was going to be okay, and we just sat on the couch for an hour or so before he decided it was okay to leave me be. I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, going to the gym, watching some TV and eventually went to bed.
I also knew that despite my longing to go to church on Sunday, that I really was in no mood to either. I didn't want to face anybody there, and needed to continue to collect my strength throughout the day for when my wife would come home. I'm sure I hadn't heard the last of it, and I wasn't expecting her at home at all until very late in the day or even possibly that evening.
Imagine my surprise when I heard the garage door go up at 10:45am that morning.
To be continued....
April 21, 2009
Break today
For the first time in the last 3 weeks, I think I actually got a decent nights sleep, although I did wake up once at 4am and was up for about 20 minutes or so.
Also my anxiety level today is much less...helps that work has been busy.
Well, I have 20 minutes left of work before I go to the marriage counselor solo today. My session is usually just over an hour, and I'm not sure what I feel like talking about today.
On another note, my wife supposedly agreed to go to counseling on her own now and also supposedly called to make an appointment for herself, although she did not share when. I suppose I'll find out this evening when I arrive for my own session.
In the meantime, yours truly needs a little time away and am really trying to rally the 'guy' troops for a Saturday luncheon at this great BBQ joint I found some weeks back. Hopefully I can round up a good 5-7 of my closest guy friends and get out to live a few hours in the sunshine with my male friends and no discussion about marriage woes.
Also my anxiety level today is much less...helps that work has been busy.
Well, I have 20 minutes left of work before I go to the marriage counselor solo today. My session is usually just over an hour, and I'm not sure what I feel like talking about today.
On another note, my wife supposedly agreed to go to counseling on her own now and also supposedly called to make an appointment for herself, although she did not share when. I suppose I'll find out this evening when I arrive for my own session.
In the meantime, yours truly needs a little time away and am really trying to rally the 'guy' troops for a Saturday luncheon at this great BBQ joint I found some weeks back. Hopefully I can round up a good 5-7 of my closest guy friends and get out to live a few hours in the sunshine with my male friends and no discussion about marriage woes.
April 20, 2009
Eye of the Storm (Part II)
With my in-laws now inside the house and my wife thinking that this is very odd to begin with, the kitchen door knocked again just a mere minute or two later, and in walks my father.
It is at this point my wife begins to see the pieces falling into place and her preliminary quizicle looks turns to an icy stare directed at me. Within an instant I see the transformation of her deamoner go from intrigue to pure betrayal and hardness.
"I can't believe you did this.", she directs solely to me, as if there is no one else in the house and thus begins to storm upstairs. I knew this reaction was coming, but even with two and then some weeks of preparation, it still wasn't enough for me to steel myself against that 'look.'
We all sat quiet for a second, not sure who was going to respond or break the ice first. Eventually it was her father who slowly took the stairs to the second level of our house and asked his daughter to come down and speak like an adult. By this time she had secreted away to our master bathroom and would not come out. Her dad gave her a minute or so and finally came down. It was my turn to try and I ascended to the op of the landing asking her to come and speak with us...and to me. My in-laws and father could not see her at this point, but she emerged from the vanity and stood defiantly in our bedroom, directing an outstretched pointed finger in my direction, gritting her teeth, eyes smoldering like coal and demanding why I brought her parents into 'our' problem.
I explained to her I really had no other choice. I had given her over two weeks to open up to me, to make a first step after giving her as much space as she needed, and during this whole time she never once displayed any inclination of ever wanting to fix or admit anything. No, I was pretty much done paying the price for something I didn't even know I was paying the price for, let alone be ignored for one more day longer. If this marriage is to be over, then she will have to make a decision of some sort today....no more "I need more time", or "I'm not willing to talk". That is acceptable to a point, but at our ages (39 both) the continued silence and wanton attitude of hers had reached its limit for me. Not that I was ever mad or angry...I was completely sad and heartbroken, and everyday it was becoming a worse and worse struggle to want to come home and deal with. No, something had to be answered today, at least for my own sanity, even if it was to be the worst words I ever wanted to hear...divorce...but by-golly, something was gonna give today....she was either going to start to meet me halfway, or she was going to move out.....and I had full support from her parents, her sister and brotehr-in-law, and my own parents.
I continued to stand my ground to ask her to come down and speak, although I was to be on the receving end of a few more minutes of scathing remarks and accusations. 'Betrayer' was the worst of them, because I never ever felt I betrayed her....but normal actions weren't getting us anywhere, just making me sicker and sicker by the day....affecting my appetite, my work, my concentration, my spirit, etc. As my sister-in-law once said, "It's time to pull the pin. Be ready for the fallout. It ain't gonna be pretty."
Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, and no one was going to leave anytime soon, she finally came downstairs, but refused to sit. No, she stood in the kitchen the entire time, eyes shifting from all of us or to the ground, but mostly towards me. Thank goodness my family was there and God was with me, otherwise I'm not sure I could have handled it on my own.
We didn't speak about alcohol or poor financial decsions, and in a way I'm glad. Perhaps those are battles for another time and will be dealt with in counseling. Today's purpose was to get my wife to agree to go to counseling for 'issues' that were not only troubling her, but tearing this marriage apart at the foundations. It was done with love and not accusations. It was done not as an ambush, but to get her to recognize that running away may be convienent in the short term, buying some time to sweep thinsg under the rug, but the pile had been building and building and building and something was about to pop....most likely me, and I wanted to ensure both my wife and my family that I was here to save my marriage and that I love my wife and I had not given up. I may have given up 3 years ago when I was struggling to find God again in the midst of depression and pharmacueticals and even considered cashing it all in (if you know what I mean). But I survived that dark time, and now I noticed parallels in my wife's life and I don't want her to suffer the same way I did, or to hurt anyone either intentionally or accidentally (through alcohol or some other stunt).
The goal is not to deny the past and the wrong doings, but to know that God is love, and there is a way out if you allow Him in and let others help. The goal is accept what has been done, accept responsibility, possibly nmake some changes (small at first), but to move in a direction from this point forward that moves the marriage to reconciliation and into a Godly light. The goal for this exact moment was to have her make a decision,....that this marriage was worth saving with her involvement, or she was going to have to leave...today....and the decsion was hers to make. I couldn't force her anymore to do anything, including to love me, but I didn't have to have her stay at my house if she wasn't going to try anything.
To be continued....
It is at this point my wife begins to see the pieces falling into place and her preliminary quizicle looks turns to an icy stare directed at me. Within an instant I see the transformation of her deamoner go from intrigue to pure betrayal and hardness.
"I can't believe you did this.", she directs solely to me, as if there is no one else in the house and thus begins to storm upstairs. I knew this reaction was coming, but even with two and then some weeks of preparation, it still wasn't enough for me to steel myself against that 'look.'
We all sat quiet for a second, not sure who was going to respond or break the ice first. Eventually it was her father who slowly took the stairs to the second level of our house and asked his daughter to come down and speak like an adult. By this time she had secreted away to our master bathroom and would not come out. Her dad gave her a minute or so and finally came down. It was my turn to try and I ascended to the op of the landing asking her to come and speak with us...and to me. My in-laws and father could not see her at this point, but she emerged from the vanity and stood defiantly in our bedroom, directing an outstretched pointed finger in my direction, gritting her teeth, eyes smoldering like coal and demanding why I brought her parents into 'our' problem.
I explained to her I really had no other choice. I had given her over two weeks to open up to me, to make a first step after giving her as much space as she needed, and during this whole time she never once displayed any inclination of ever wanting to fix or admit anything. No, I was pretty much done paying the price for something I didn't even know I was paying the price for, let alone be ignored for one more day longer. If this marriage is to be over, then she will have to make a decision of some sort today....no more "I need more time", or "I'm not willing to talk". That is acceptable to a point, but at our ages (39 both) the continued silence and wanton attitude of hers had reached its limit for me. Not that I was ever mad or angry...I was completely sad and heartbroken, and everyday it was becoming a worse and worse struggle to want to come home and deal with. No, something had to be answered today, at least for my own sanity, even if it was to be the worst words I ever wanted to hear...divorce...but by-golly, something was gonna give today....she was either going to start to meet me halfway, or she was going to move out.....and I had full support from her parents, her sister and brotehr-in-law, and my own parents.
I continued to stand my ground to ask her to come down and speak, although I was to be on the receving end of a few more minutes of scathing remarks and accusations. 'Betrayer' was the worst of them, because I never ever felt I betrayed her....but normal actions weren't getting us anywhere, just making me sicker and sicker by the day....affecting my appetite, my work, my concentration, my spirit, etc. As my sister-in-law once said, "It's time to pull the pin. Be ready for the fallout. It ain't gonna be pretty."
Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, and no one was going to leave anytime soon, she finally came downstairs, but refused to sit. No, she stood in the kitchen the entire time, eyes shifting from all of us or to the ground, but mostly towards me. Thank goodness my family was there and God was with me, otherwise I'm not sure I could have handled it on my own.
We didn't speak about alcohol or poor financial decsions, and in a way I'm glad. Perhaps those are battles for another time and will be dealt with in counseling. Today's purpose was to get my wife to agree to go to counseling for 'issues' that were not only troubling her, but tearing this marriage apart at the foundations. It was done with love and not accusations. It was done not as an ambush, but to get her to recognize that running away may be convienent in the short term, buying some time to sweep thinsg under the rug, but the pile had been building and building and building and something was about to pop....most likely me, and I wanted to ensure both my wife and my family that I was here to save my marriage and that I love my wife and I had not given up. I may have given up 3 years ago when I was struggling to find God again in the midst of depression and pharmacueticals and even considered cashing it all in (if you know what I mean). But I survived that dark time, and now I noticed parallels in my wife's life and I don't want her to suffer the same way I did, or to hurt anyone either intentionally or accidentally (through alcohol or some other stunt).
The goal is not to deny the past and the wrong doings, but to know that God is love, and there is a way out if you allow Him in and let others help. The goal is accept what has been done, accept responsibility, possibly nmake some changes (small at first), but to move in a direction from this point forward that moves the marriage to reconciliation and into a Godly light. The goal for this exact moment was to have her make a decision,....that this marriage was worth saving with her involvement, or she was going to have to leave...today....and the decsion was hers to make. I couldn't force her anymore to do anything, including to love me, but I didn't have to have her stay at my house if she wasn't going to try anything.
To be continued....
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