Solitude (part I)

As someone close to me the other day said: "It's okay to want alone time."

How much alone time is healthy for anyone person? Sure their are introverts, and extroverts by definition, but how does one go from being an extrovert to and introvert is a short period of time.

I think this picture symbolizes so much what is me. On the one hand you have Superman....an icon, an extrovert to the human race, defender of justice, bigger than life.

But to himself and on the inside he is an introvert. Realizing that he is actually alone in this world where no one could understand him....when the pressures of being Superman are too much even for him, he escapes to his 'Fortress of Solitude'...a cold, sterile, alone place far removed from civilization and the masses so as he can collect his thoughts and unwind and think and commune with the memories of his father and his homeworld.

I remember an episode of the original Twilight Zone as well with Burgess Meredith. He played a quirky and geeky librarian who just wanted to escape the persecution of his fellow man who always seemed to be bullying him around. He wanted to escape and be just left with his books, to lose himself in the pages of fiction. He gets his wish....a world disaster strikes in which everyone sans himself are gone. Finally alone with his books he relishes the fact he is now alone and cannot be bothered by those that don't understand him....only to trip and fall moments later and break his glasses...so that he can no longer read the books that meant so much to him.

Today on my way into work, I heard a story on the radio about suicide, and some websites that even promote efficient ways on how to remove yourself from this plane of existance in the quickest and hopefully painless ways. The story really troubled me. I feel sad for the parents and family and feel that these type of websites, even under freedom of speech, should be shut down. But I'd be lying to say I also didn't empathize with the victims. I am too chicken to hurt myself, nor do I want to cause any harm to my parents and family, nor am I overly anxious to find out if my name is written in the Book of Life. Nor am I Catholic but I'm not 100% convinced that suicide is not a mortal sin. I do believe God can forgive anything and anybody, but suicide does seem like the ultimate is selfish acts one can perform.

I often wonder how I will die myself. I hope it will be painless and I hope at home in my sleep. But I think that statistics and odds are against that. I think most people die via stroke, heart-attack, or violence (car accidents or injuries). Cancer runs in my family and I 'try' to watch what I eat, but I often have flashes of myself getting in a car wreck. I've had nightmares of being stabbed or falling. I have mentally pictured the ambulance comming to my house someday because I suffered a heart attack. Only God knows the actual result. I fear of dying alone. I fear that I will outlast my parents and my wife. I wonder who will find me? Who will bury me? Will I even have any family at that time that would attend a service?

I hear preachers say that when we close our eyes here on this earth, and if we are believers in Christ, we immediately are present in Paradise.

I have to stop right now.....My eyes are welling up and I don't know why.

A Bad Week

The last week, especially the last few days has been an emotional effort for me. It doesn't really help that it is cold and rainy outside as well, and that my spouse is out of town.

I've been more tired than usual. It could be a combination of a few different things, or none at all, but I am having a harder time waking up in the morning, I'm falling asleep earlier, and my sleep has been more sound and heavy. I relayed this to my wife over the phoen and she thinks I should go see a doctor and have my blood checked. She's probably right, but at the same time, I look at this as just another added chore and burden as of late to an already existing long list I really don't want to acknowledge.

My spiritual struggle has also been hard the last few days as well. There seems to be a lot in the news regarding Jesus (James Cameron's new documentary as one example), and my mind drifts into prayer and looking for consoltation within God, but as seems to be the case lately, God seems silent. I've been taking some stock in recent thoughts and activities and once again I realize that as hard as I try to live in accordance on how Christ wants me to, I falter more times than I'd like to admit. Feelings of guilt, anger, bitterness, hate both towards myself and also the outside world are abundant.

I often wish I were younger, harkening back to earlier times where the trials and tribulations of the world didn't seem as rough.

As what often happens to me, it appears that when it rains....it pours.

I have been unhappy with work again lately, not the actual work itself, but I find myself in conflict with an individual who always appears to come out 'rosey' when in fact this person is very manipulative and duplicitous. Saying one thing to my face, yet acting out against me when I am not present. Again, I am surrounded by people who recognize this, but appear to be scared or do not wish to get involved in my defense lest this appears to be a bad mark against them in the corporate world. It's a foreboding sense that I just cannot win no matter how hard I try to persever, as if the enemy knows I am already fragile and wishes to kick me when I am down, repeatedly until I submit and get angry with God who does not seem to be present. Purposely inflicting doubt within me, and I am brave enough to admit that I am indeed weak, and doubt has entered my mind more often that I would like.

I see the secular world and recognize that it is an easier path. Not to care, not to sacrafice, not to get involved....to have fun, to drink, to let my mouth loose on the masses. Yet my internal spirit cries out 'No'....this is wrong and not pleasing to God or in accordance with his word. It's what the world wants...it wants to see me fail and welcome me back in its lies and deceit.

So the stress of my job and the people I interface with is one facet. Then there's home life, and financials, and the thought of family and children and I get depressed. Very depressed. I feel the world in general owes me an apology, yet at the same time I curse at it and what I have allowed myself to become; a former shell of myself. A man going through the motions of life often wondering if heaven will indeed be a better place and when can I get there.

I sit here now, noticing that I am taking very deep breaths....pretending I am elsewhere....mentally detached from what I am physically grounded to. I want to place my head down...I want to go home and crawl into bed....I so want to cry, but I am not positive what I want to cry about. I feel fractured and alone. People want to help me, want to pray for me, want to wave their magic wands and make it all better....to the person I once was. Don't you think I want that too? Don't you think that if I could snap my fingers and make it all better, that I would have already done so?

Statistically speaking, my biological life is half over. God I hope this present state isn't an idicator for the remaining half.

Called Out - Keeping my Anger in check.

I had a small taste of Humble Pie today, and the best part of it is I can hopefully learn from my transgressions and emotions.

The last week has been a bit stressful. Homelife, worklife, spirituality has been really beating me up lately. My 'counsler' forgot our appointment last week and when I called her, she was getting her hair done. Now that I look back, this was sort of the starting point of my recent fall.

At first I was a little mad and upset with her. I began to equate that a hairstyle garnered more attention that I did, which may or may not be viewed as selfish. My way of punishing her back was to not re-sechedule my appointment. I'm not really sure what that proves....that I am still stubborn and vindictive, or to let her know she hurt my feelings and ticket me off.

Work has been very stressful as well. Longer than usual hours, with little help and no room for mistakes makes our whole 'team' (and I use that word very loosely) a bit crabby. I don't respond very well to unfair orders or people barking at me, especially when they treat me poorly. I begin to harbor even more resentment and anger towards them. One individual is on my 'short' list anyway, and I find it an exercise in patience not to blow my top, knowing full well it won't solve anything. It's like that saying: You can't teach an old dog new tricks, ....well, this person is set in their ways, and I don't think any amount of calm speak is going to win this person over.

So instead, I let my anger and frustration get the best of me and I took the Lord's name in vain not really paying attention to what I was saying. Here is where I got caught up in the moment....I expressed my 'colorful' words to a person I tried to witness to some time back.

Wouldn't you know...this person responded to me: "You realize you just took the Lords name in vain. For someone who was telling me about the Lord, seems like you just failed a test."

Inside, my heart sank, and I realized he was correct. I replied that just because I am Christian doesn't mean I am perfect and I agreed that I was wrong. I told him I was indeed angry and in times of unchecked emotions we all fall, but that is why it is important to ask for forgiveness. I apologized to him, and again relayed the fact that I need to pray for myself to indeed keep my anger and emotions in check, that I need to be a represntative of God, and in this case I admit I did fail.

Weird that I really didn't think of it until it was pointed out to me, but it really hurt my spirit to know this unbeliever used the 'God' card against me. Live and learn I suppose.

When it rains.....

Yesterday was the atypical Monday. Where Murphy's Law reigns supreme, and you feel as if you're a spectator watching your own demise and there's not much you can do.

I had a difficult day at work yesterday. First, I was late to work. Second, the people I 'report' to, are not very helpful at all. They have many insecurities which I recognize because I suffer from them as well. But I think I suffer in a different way....I recognize my issues often have a spiritual component, and I don't think the others do about their own plights. As still sort of an outsider, I look into their world with their interactions towards each other and see so much tension, power plays and very un-healthy politicking taking place between them.

I have only shared my spiritual beliefs with one, and was somewhat saddened to learn this individual was more or less agnostic. The others I seriously doubt have much beliefs either, or if they do, it cerntainly doesn't play out in the workplace.

Anyway, I was supposed to drive to one of our secondary locations to complete a task when my car wouldn't start. After multiple attempts I had to call the auto club for a jump. This was all before 9am. All I could think of was $$$ and no matter how many inroads I make forward, it alsways seems there is a nwe obstruction in my path. So I had to drive to three different places until I found one that would take a look at my car. It appears it is a combination of my battery and starter caused by some leaky valves. A new battery will limp me through the next few weeks, but a new starter, replacement of the valves and labor is going to be over $1000. Plus I need 2 new tires as well. Not only are the costs going up, I'm off the clock, not earning any money as I try to solve this. With property taxes due, and income taxes around the corner...I am a little stressed out.

I sat in my car and prayed. Prayed that even though the problems still needed to be fixed, that I woudl have peace for the remainder of the day. Instead I cried for a few minutes. My crying stems from frustration and sometimes a feeling of being buried. In the large scheme of things, I realize its just another day. That innocent people died today from violence. That there are so many worse thinsg in the world right now, and here I am worrying about my car which is 11 years old. It's time to get a new car anyway, but I wanted to buy one on my terms, when I am ready, not because of fialing I cannot control. Is this yet another test? Is this God showing me that he is the master of all and wanting me to give it all to him and pray? Or is it the enemy just wanting to mess with me more, planting more doubt and anger in me.

I don't know.

But I feel like the person in the picture above. Solitary. No one else gives a rats ass about my issues. And why should they?

Today, I feel sad.

Emotions are a very strange thing.

I awoke feeling indifferent to most things. I didn't want to come to work today, not because I don't like my actual job, but I'm not really a people person. That is, I am not fond of people who talk down to me or treat me as a grunt just because I am low on the totem pole. I find that my current employers also think of me as just a number, devoid of any actual true loyalty or friendliness garnered my way.

So I started off here today on a sour note. Piles of issues coming my way, and no one to help me out. No 'atta boy' for all the issues I resolve timely, but make one simple mistake that can be corrected in seconds, and they are all over you.

I've always enjoyed animals, though I wasn't an animal lover until this last year. Not sure why, probably because the pets I had were fish, a parakeet, and two hamsters when I was growing up. The most I was ever attached to was the hamsters, but they don't have a very long life span...maybe 2-3 years tops.

When someone, well I guess I mean me really, is depressed, they tend to seek out other forms of affection. People usually let me down, or at least have let me down especially in the last few years. I find myself tiring of them...the repetitive banter, excuses, nothing to offer...maybe its the people I surround myself with. I need to find new people who can stimulate my mind and emotions. Or get away from the 'know-it-alls'.

While spending a few minutes away from it all, I came across the profile of Clover, the pictured dog. Clover led a full life but succumbed to some seizure attacks recently brought on by age and it was determined in a painful but loving way to put Clover to sleep.

To end Clover's pain.

I don't know this dog, nor its family, but my heart aches after reading Clover's parents last few entries. I cried. Instead of the sourness I felt earlier towards work and people, I now cry for Clover and her parents, and can only pray that Jesus and God have made special arrangements for family pets such as dogs and cats. I don't even have a child but I can hardly imagine the pain one feels in losing a son or daughter. I'm a wreck just learning about someone else's beloved family dog. I wish I could be there to share in the parents grief, no matter how strange that sounds. There is just something about the unconditional love of a family dog that no human being can ever achieve.

Surprised with my anger under the surface

I had a session with a therapist yesterday, and I always surprise myself about my feelings, my tirades, and my thoughts after the hour. Actually I feel very guilty and even more disapointed with myself.

Before I step into my therapists office, I always have this mental ritual I go through: I pretend and prepare for a 'dry-run' of our conversation, and I try and go in as relaxed as I can be and try to empty my thoughts and go in very open minded.

In reality, this never really has worked once.

Usually within 10 minutes I find myself getting agitated and by the time our session is over I am amazed on the thoughts pounding through my head.

Yesterday I was a bit more agitated that usual. A lot had to do with my therapists surroundings to begin with. I don't particularly like cats, and she has two in which when I walk in I always smell the distinct aroma of cat pee. I also think of their shedding hair on my clothes. Plus there are other disctractions that generally get to me. Like yesterday, her phone went off at least 4 times during our session, and I found my train of thought derailed at every ring.

My emotions were scattered. I went to being intense, and frsutrated and angry to very sad and crying. I play back the things I said in my brain over and over, and I realize that under the surface, I am an angry person. I am a bitter person. I am an unhappy person. I usually contain these emotions and feeling as best as I can, because I hate crying and I hate feeling this way. I do not wish to cause any harm to any person including myself, but I have yet to find the mechanism for release.

My prayers still feel unanswered. Am I mad at God? I'm not sure...the more I sit and think logically about this, the more I am convinced that the enemy is engaging in spiritual warfare against me. Satan knows that I am trying my hardest to be a better Christian, yet he allows for temptations to barrage me constantly. He wants me to believe I am inadequate as a male, that I cannot burden God with my problems because I am not worthy, and that I am an emotional failure. He constantly goads me into thinking I am not strong enough, and there are easier solutions like 'giving up', or straying away from the Church.

And sometimes I am sad to admit that he wins some battles.

But not the war.

You see, when I am down and out, I have to remind myself (which in the heat of the moment, we all forget) to give glory to God and ask for Christ's deliverence and pray for peace. But I don't. Instead my emotions get the better of me, and when I get on a roll, watch out. I do feel life in unfair, and I do occasionally feel insecure with my salvation, and that the secular world is out to get me.

As my male acquaintence told me last week: "I must be completely broken and submit 100% in order for God to build me back up." I understand what he means, but I haven't yet complied or feel I am in total agreement. Maybe thats my problem to begin with.

Enjoy the Silence

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world

Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Cant you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Enjoy the silence

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Depeche Mode (or as some joke 'Depressed Mode') is one of my favorite bands. Ever.

It's just something about their lyrics that always seem to hit me directly in the heart. One of the few bands that affect me beyond just their sound, but affect me emotionally and seem to speak directly to me, and about me. I hope this doesn't sound to cliche or artsy, but they 'get me'.

I heard this song again the other day, and all I could think of over and over again was to 'Enjoy the Silence'.

Oh, how I long on days for the 'silence'.

That seems to be an oxymoron to me however. I enjoy people, and I don't want to live life as a loner, or to die alone. But I do enjoy more and more frequent episodes of being alone or 'silent' I suppose. People often irritate me, and I'm not sure why. Again...I feel that certain days demand too much of me and all I care or really want is to be isolated and removed from society as a whole. I'm not sure if that just for a half hour, maybe a day, a week, or even longer. Just peace and quiet. No words. No demands. No expectations. No schedules. No responsibility.

What a difference a week makes

Last Friday and going into the weekend, I was at a low point. Spiritually I was stagnant and distracted. Emotionally I was fatigued and spent. Mentally I was sad, frustrated, and angry.

The result: Sunday I broke down. I cried and I cried and I cried. Again, married, with family and friends yet feeling all alone on this big blue marble.

This past week was pretty mundane, though there was some excitement at work yesterday that kept us all busy enough to focus my thoughst on getting the job done and service restored for affected employees. It's when these high stress situation occur, I can look back and realize that all other thoughts and disctrastions are non-existant. Here is where I excel and almost grateful at times. Not that I like stressful situation perse, but the fact is all other bull is not in my mind or heart right then and there.

I woke up this morning realizing I have not taken my 'meds' for almost two weeks. Generally I feel 'okay', but I do have moments dashed with paigns of guilt for not taking them....Like what if I do snap? Am I to blame then because I chose not to take my meds?

The morning started off well enough....I had a nice cup (or two) of 'real' coffee, but unfortunately it didn't last too long. Sometimes I honestly believe my spouse like to argue just for arguements sake. You can actually take and agree with her own position, yet she somehow still makes you feel as if you have to defend yourself. I'm not exactly sure how she does it, but before you know it, she ends up defneding her own contradictory statements to the fact I'm not even sure what I am arguing about. That exasperates me to no end. I love my wife, dearly, but there are time I can honestly say I'm not sure why she brings things up and I guess I wish at times we didn't talk. Not because I don't want to share or speak with my wife, but because before long, I end up getting worked up and confused on what position she actually takes on anything. She is able to 'straddle' the middle almost seamlessly and push buttons you didn't even know you had.

I eventually give up, and in today's case, I just left the house without saying 'good-bye'. I don't like doing that...at all...but I also know if I stay any longer a 'real' argument will ensue, and it'll generally be about nothing due to the fact my wife will attack an idea and then defend it 20 seconds later to where you end up wanting to hit your head up against a wall in mental submission.

I was a little disheartened with some other Christian Blogs I was reading this morning. I was perusing some for some semblance of inspiration, but instead found embarassment. Their opening entries can be very well constructed and thought out and I generally I agree with them. However their responses to other's secular comments drag them right back down in the dirt, or make these blanket 'over-righteous' statements where I can actually see why some secular or non-believers think all Christians are crazy and intolerant. You have to say more to a person than 'I will pray for you'...it makes us sound indignant to the masses and on a pedestal. Our job as Christians is too spred the Word (at least I believe) through humility, grace, love and compassion as we are all to be judged by God, and we are all fallen to sin and corruption on this Earth. Any intelligence and respect I recognize them for goes out the window when they make ludicrous statements to non-believers....You aren't forwarding the cause, even if you mean well in your heart, you're actually damaging the lot of us.

I'm not 100% positive where this last diatribe is comming from, just an observation today and dissapointment in my spiritual brothers and sisters.

Do not Fear

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

I couldn't help it. Yesterday I sat in church, in the back row which I usually do...alone. Not just alone in person, but with my thoughts as well. The Enemy struck hard at my spitritual defenses yesterday, as I had already awoken with stress, little sleep, and mounting frustration. By the time I sat down, my mind was everywhere else but on God. Thoughts of insecurity, anger, running away, and sexual matters (to name just a few) were zooming around in my head like a whirlwind and I could feel the tears wanting to well up within my eyes.

And then, this verse came up on the screen, and finally it felt like a hammer found its target right between my eyes. This was to be my verse for the day, and also a realization of my failings.

I couldn't hold back any longer. I cried and was embarrased....and alone in front of my God....broken. Broken is such a weird way to explain it, but I cannot think of any other right now, and to think that I am broken, at least in the head if not in the spirit, is also disturbing. I wonder often as I am sure so many others do, why God allows for mental anxiety and chemical imbalances to any of his children and creations. Perhaps mine is a mild case, but everyone reacts differently and people all have varying degrees of what they can handle before they snap. I feel that my life this last year has been like a rubber band. Somedays it stretches more so than others, but eventually the elasticity begins to wane, or under great pressure, the rubber band does snap.

Yesterday was the accumulation of the prior weeks stressors, and my personal rubber band was stretched to its limit....I just wanted release. Even in Church, where I look for Peace, I recognize that Satan knows he won the week. My spirit was held together with bubble gum and duct tape. I wanted the easy way out, and my eyes were not on God. I was sitting in my pew, angry at everything and everyone and wanting a drink...an alcohol laced one that is. I also had thoughts of sexual desires....temptations....again to get my mind off of God and take the easy road.

It was then again, I read this verse and it sucked all the wind out of my sails....not that I had much to begin with anyway. I was dismayed, I had no more strength, and I did fear. I feared a lot.

After the service I felt the compulsion to talk to someone. A stranger. For my family and my friends, and even my 'shrink' aren't helping me right now. I spoke with a stranger and recounted the last week...my anger, my frustration, my insecurities, my fear....and I broke down. I bawled as he listened, and then he confided within me...that all men, including himself have had very similar circumstances. Perhaps it was the Enemy, or perhaps God wants my attention...despertly enough...that he wishes me to be fully broken in order for me to finally let go and submit to all the issues of the world, so that He can point out that I can't fix these things without His help. I must be broken completely to be built back up. While I do understand this concept, and it does make sense, I wasn't prepared nor sure if I am even now, that this is the course of action that is planned for me.

If it is...then it sucks.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of fear. I am tired of my anger. I am tired of being tired and tired wondering if my prayers are indeed inadequate and if I am actually letting go. I must submit 100%. 95% isn't enough, nor is 98%. It must be 100% or else I haven't completely submitted or given up control...and thus I cannot survive mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Jesus,....Lord.....please uphold me with your righteous hand and rebuild me and let your peace comfort me and be an example to others....to use my own story as a testamonial as I do not wish this pain on anyone.

A little angry today

I'm not sure why I feel as angry as I do today. I'm borderlining on tears again. I just feel so overwhelmed again, like I'm treading water with no life line. Actually, I have a few ideas why I am:

1. I've been off my anti-depressants for almost a week now.
2. My work load has been extremely high lately with a few of my peers not in this week and me picking up much more 'urgent' issues to deal with (which really aren't that urgent, people just think they are the most important thing).
3. My spouse and her money issues and attitude towards them, and towards me regarding them.
4. Uneasy dreams I've been having lately, whether it be about my old job, or apocolyptic in nature, they border on nightmares and I've had one every day this week.

Yes, I'm tired. This past week it feels like I am not getting enough sleep. I go to bed around 11pm and I wake up a few times during the night only to be up by 6am. I think I am averiging about 5-6 hours of sleep along with the psuedo nightmares. The anti-depressents are expensive and many times I forget to take them. Sometimes I don't want to take them, other times I truly do indeed forget.

My dreams have focused on religious matters as of late as well as work. I have dreamed about the end of the end of the world and the salvation of a close friend of mine (who isn't saved), and other violent tendencies. I dream about my previous place of employment and why I cannot let it go. The more times goes on, and I pray about it, the more I feel I was wronged in the whole situation. I am very puzzled why God allowed me to be removed and not to have replaced it with something better. If this is supposed to be some grand learning plan directed for me regarding faith, I feel as if I want to throw in the towel....I don't want to play this game anymore, nor do I want to be tested any longer. Lord, please hear me, I succumb already!! I call 'uncle'!! Please deliver me to peace already!

My spouse and I are also at odds, regarding financial issues. The burdens don't get any easier and she isn't supporting me or us like I think she should. I believe family matters and responsibilities are the priority whereas my wife has an excuse every other time I ask her to help pay for something. That adds to my stress levels and unfortunately sometimes my resentment to our marriage as well, even though I do love her. I feel as if I can barely support myself emotionally let alone someone else who always seems to have an issue as well.

I'm freaking tired and I want to cry.

A day to drink

Today has been a long day, much longer than I expected, and I'm so tempted to cut it short and go home early.

Why?

Well, I'm alone at the office today. One peer is out sick, a second is in training all week, and the 3rd isn't much help to begin with. So of course, today is when all the 'urgent' and 'nutty' issues come out of the woodwork to plague me. I couldn't even enjoy my late lunch without my cell phone ringing to let me know I had to rush back to reset somebody's password.

Funny how everyone think they are the only one with an issue, and theirs is the most important of them all. When someone asks me innocently, "Hey, how you doin'?", I want to be bluntly honest and say "Pretty crappy, thank you. I have a headache, I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I feel like I'm drowning in work."

Like the cliche states...When it rains, it pours.

So I have just under two hours left at work, just to go home and do more chores. Today is literally one of those days where there are not enough hours to get anything worthwhile accomplished.

I try to imagine back in biblical times, thousands of years before the telephone, the business PC, commuter traffic, and modern day inventions how people judged they were having a busy day. They say with invention, our lives are to become easier. I'm not sure I agree with that. All I can think of is how much responsibilty I have now and when do I get to take a personal time out to collect my thoughts. I think sometime technology is more a burden and makes socialization to close and tight at times. If we are able to be contacted anywhere, anytime, how much privacy and free time have we sacrificed?

A chance to witness

I've been a little restless in the Spirit the last few days.

Saturday I attended a funeral and was very humbled and reflective on a great many of things.

Sunday found a neighbor of mine exclaiming she had a new job that paid upwards of $17K more a year than she was previously making. Though I am happy for her, it also stung a bit my own sense of pride knowing that was the amount of salary cut I took when I started this temporary job when I lost my previous job. I had to wonder if there was some weird irony that God was trying to point out to me....to see if I truly was happy with my circumstances today. Well, in all honesty, they aren't, and it still paigns me.

My dreams consisted of some less than pleasant memories regarding my old place of employment (why can't I let this go?), and I awoke this morning in silence cognoscent of my eventual unemployment again. How I dread looking for yet another job close to home that will pay what I was used to. Yesterday in church I heard of a testimonial that a gentlemen had been close to bankruptcy with a family including 3 children and was out of work for almost 9 months. I am not that bad, but that sense of doom always hangs over me.

A lot was said to me too in Spirit regarding the fact that the past is the past and cannot be changed, but we must strive for the future. A lesson that I have a very hard time applying to myself. I've always thought to learn from your mistakes, use the past as lessons for the future, hence I have such a hard time not using the past as a measuring stick and therefore it emotionally cripples me.

This morning I arrived at my current job place and was faced with an ongoing dilemma. A peer of mine, while seemingly friendly on the outside, has other motivations including one (for whatever reason) to make my life difficult. Everything is like a test to him when it comes to me, and I admit, sometimes the situation get under my skin and can fester at times. Another peer recognizes this and has had his one dealing, far worse actually than mine when it comes to this other person. Probably not meaning anything by it and making for casual conversation he asked me "Well, what do you do with this type of person?"

The door opened. One that I wasn't even looking for this morning.

I was able to share my own personal insights and offered that perhaps this person is in our lives to teach us a lesson, and if it is a lesson not for us, perhaps it is as simple as we pray for him that one day he may may become a better person himself.

My coworker said it seemed like I was religious and wanted to know if I went to church every week. I said I try to go every week. He then offered to me he wasn't that religious. I just went on to say that even Christians have faults. I explained to him that even by me praying and going to church I still have feelings of anger and bitterness at times. I still get mad and frustrated and swear. I told him that I ask God daily to remove certain thoughts from my head and my heart lest I be pharaoh with a hardened heart. But I shared with him, that I don't always get the answer I want, or peace of mind, saying that God is working with me constantly in His time, not mine. Perhaps I will take all this negativity directed towards me, and instead of praying for me to be delivered, that I would pray for the person victimizing me instead.

My coworker said, "Why should I pray for him when I am sure he doesn't pray for me." I tried to explain to him that Christ commands us to 'Love our enemies' and what we invest here on this earth is an investment in the afterlife. It's not about tit for tat, but of forgiveness. Not so much was I a witness to this person, but hearing my own words echoing back to me and pointing out how hard it has been for me to forgive those I felt have done me wrong.

Our conversation didn't last overly long, and there were some more parables I was trying to explain. But in the end I felt a little good. A little good I was able to plant a seed in this mans life and that I got to share my insights on being a Christian and not embarrassed by it.

Dealings with death

Earlier this week I wrote about death, and my fasciantion with it and I never really got to the meat of the matter.

I am attending a funeral tomorrow for a 31 year old young man.

He passed unexpectedly a few days after Christmas.

His father is a very important figure in my life, and had many dealings with me over the years on spirituality, and helped me comes to terms with other low points in my life including some early symptoms of depression.

I wish somehow, someway, I could return the favor. The best I can think of right now is to attend the funeral in respect though I didn't know his son very well.

Though I have yet to speak to the family, I have heard through thr grapevine that they are doing as well as can be expected I suppose, but feel comforted that their son is now in paradise, seeing that they are a strong Christian family.

I wish I could say in all honesty that's were all good people go and those that are saved in Christ's name, and feel that comfort. I'm sure thats exactly where this young man is and I have mixed feelings about thsi whole situation. I seem divided on happiness, sadness, and envy.

Of course I am sad for the parents, especially my mentor. Who wants to bury their own child? I'm also bothered that he can't share any further the things we take for granted here on earth...a nice 5 star meal, the next sunset, a good book or movie, the embrace of a lovers touch.

I'm also happy that he passed supposedly quickly, not knowing the horrors of cancer and the emotional turmoil of a terminal prognosis. No more watching the crappy news and see how thsi world is falling apart. No day to day struggles, no more secular competition atteh job place and wondering how the future is going to play out.

I'm also envious. Envious that he knows no more pain and doesn't need to care about the trivial things anymore. He's in the presence of of pure joy and our Creator. He has begun his journey and reward of everlasting love and peace with God, something I cannot even comes to grips with but so desperately want.

I'm crying now, and I'm not sure why. My tears are of pain and lonliness and of envy. Of course I want to live to see the next day, but I also just realized how tired I am of everything again. I can only use 1/10th of my brain now to maybe idealize what paradise may be like and yet I know I cannot even come close.

God does not want us to be said, nor to mourn, but be joyous of life now and for our brothers and sisters in heaven.

I cannot decide how to feel, other than helpless.

Tired and looking for a pick-me-up

Last night I didn't sleep very well, and then this morning I didn't want to get up at all or go to work. I'm afraid sometimes to call in sick and take a 'personal day', especially since we just had the holidays and I already experienced short weeks.

Anyway, I stared at the TV until at least midnight, woke up every few hours, and finally was up by 6:30am. I figured I averaged maybe 5.5 hours last night of slumber, and I just stared at the alarm clock watching time tick by until the inevitable....getting up out of my cozy bed and going to a job where I am not treated as an equal or have many friends.

A vast difference from my old job where I got along with most everybody. Now it seems I punch in and punch out, and many of the perks and social interactions are now absent in my life. I also feel as if this is a dual edged sword. I miss my friends, some of the excitement, but I also like the 'alone' factor at times and the ability to detach myself more easily. With less friends here, I do find myself more productive and less involved in certain drama, but at times also bored.

I took a long lunch today, and I don't think anybody noticed. Usually it's just an hour long, but I was able to stretch it to about 1.5 hours, maybe a bit more. I enjoyed a nice lunch, able to read, and enjoy a some nice tea.

This morning was unusually busy for me with 'urgent', yet not-really-urgent issues. It was a little hectic, and I was happy to leave for lunch.

Tea is underated. I had a very nice Ice Tea infused rose petals. It had a unique taste; bold and mellow and fresh all at the same time. It was a gourmet tea, and I pretended it 'cleansed' away the toxins of sin and worry and depression from my soul.

I went to Costco thereafter, not sure I was going to buy myself anything. In the end I didn't, but I was tempted to buy a CD or DVD or book or software or some electronic thingy. Then I realized that 'buying' something usually makes me feel happier whether I need it or not. I remember watching various news stories over the years about compulsive shoppers, who buy just to 'buy', for that small does of euphoria that follows. It really isn't materialism I think, not in the bad sense. I'm not sure what it is really, but it seems to release endorphins or seratonin to buy something new.

I didn't want to go back to work thereafter. I was so tempted just to sit in a lounge chair by myself at Costco. To feel the air conditioning on my skin and sit in a comfy chair and not be bothered by anyone, and not to return to work. I imagined myself reading, or playing a game again, my mind detached from the present reality. I imagined sitting at home watching a movie or playing with my dog, or just going to bed. I also imagine have a delicious one-of-a-kind dinner right now. To be caught up in the moment of tasting something so delicious.

I was thinking of when I get depressed, what are the kind of things that pick me up:

• I love strategy games. I usually have to play solo ones or against a computer becuase most of my friends don't like anything to complicated.
• I like to buy little gadgets. Little toys or cool little gizmos.
• I like to experience new cuisines and drinks. Something out of the ordinary to tantalize my taste buds and really savor the flavor and experience.
• I enjoy reading. To be alone lost in a fictious world for a period of time.
• Working with my hands whether it be cooking, wood-working, building or repairing something.
• Learning. I enjoy trivia and like to understand how things work, how they interact, how things are designed and intended to be used, the history behind them.
• Lastly, I'm afraid to admit I like to have a few drinks. They say alcohol is a depressent, and I agree. I usually don't feel to good in the long run after drinking and sometimes it does bring repressed emotions to the surface, some I don't wish to experience. But the taste of a nice micro-brew and it altering effects are indeed desireable at times.

Later today I go to see a 'shrink'. I've been thinking about our little get togther the last two days and I have no idea where I am to start today. It seems today I just don't care about a lot of things. The last time I saw my 'shrink' I cried for a bit, and the time before that I was angry. So, I've been angry then sad, and today indifferent. Isn't the human mind a funny thing?

Some thoughts on death (part I)

Man, in most cases, is afraid of the unknown. The afterlife is something (at least if you are a believer of) we all think about, and I suppose even atheists will have to come to terms with it once their physical shell dies and yet are still conscious to recognize they were wrong and there is something else after all.

Personally, I am fascinated by death. Not in a gory way, but probably not in a healthy way either. I recognize that all things must come to an end, and some people come to terms or to peace about it an an early age, others not until old age. Some don't have time to think about it all or even recognize it, such as infants, and yet others are never prepared for it as it may strike at anytime, always believing they have years left when in fact they don't.

Since an early age I was always intrigued about mummification and Egyptology and as I grew I began to understand the separation of life here on this plane and that of which God and Christ promise, yet for as great as it sounds, I'd be lying to say I wasn't scared at times.

Yet at others times I do find an odd 'peace' about death. Many people who are depressed, ill, spiritually corrupt, or given up hope look forward to death and may live their life so recklessly they ensure themselves a quicker death or even contemplate suicide. I'm not 100% convinced that suicide is a mortal sin as defined by Catholicism, ensuring you spend eternity in damnation. I believe God understands our hearts and our mind, and while He may proclaim this is the ultimate act of selfishness, he also loves us like we have yet to experience.

I believe that God loves me and that Jesus forgives me. I believe they want me to show obedience in my time here on earth, and request that that turn my burdens over to them when times get tough. And I am afraid to hurt myself. What if I screw it up? What if I live after all in more pain than I am in now? What if it is indeed a mortal sin that I have not interpreted correctly and thus ensuring a one way ticket to Hades, and eventually hell?

But when times are tough, I do wish it would all end. I'm not sure what I mean by that either in all honesty. There are times I wish I could just fall asleep, if you will, and never again wake up. I get so tired of things in my life. It seems that for every bright spot, there seems to be a few dark spots that weigh me down. And unfortunately it seems as if the dark spots are much more numerous than the bright spots.

So why am I thinking about this today? For one, it's finally 2007 and time for a fresh start and a new outlook. 2006 was miserable. I'm glad its over and I never want to repeat it. If I could I'd try an wipe 2006 from my memory, well at least 95% of it. There were a few good things I suppose, but it seems like I can only count them on one hand.

I saw the hanging of Saddam Hussein today on an internet video. I remember a few years back when Americans were captured by terrorists and they beheaded them. I never saw those, nor do I ever want to. It shames me to even think about others watching those deaths take place the way they did. Yet, I sought out the video of Saddams execution, wondering where exactly he went that instant. Most of us would judge in our hearts that he went immediately to Hades to await final judgment and cast into hell someday, but that all that is to us....a guess. Perhaps Saddam had a change of heart in his last moments. Only God knows that. I found it quite puzzling that some of his last words were 'not to let hate enter your hearts and not to be mad at the occupiers of Iraq because that led to a closed mind'. Was that the ramblings of a mad man who is disillusioned, or did he change his last few days or weeks in this realm?

Oddly I feel indifferent in regards to his execution. However, I was intrigued to know he was alive one second, and the next instant his soul was liberated and was now either in paradise or in torment. And to think of all the other people who every moment of everyday suddenly pass, and find themselves in the same predicament who may not nearly will ever been close to being as cruel as Saddam. Maybe the sheer mistake was not to believe at all...given hundreds if not thousands of chances to accept Christ as the savior.

Are you one of those people?

Am I?

Unforeseen nervousness.

"Cast your burdens upon Me and I will care for you." (Psalms 55:22)

That seems to be a recurring theme that keeps popping up in my studies, casual conversations, or just my plain 'ole mind the last few weeks.

I guess it is somewhat apropos in the sense that this seems to be my largest personal stumbling block.

Yesterday, I did not have a great day, and I may have worked myself up into a tizzy for nothing. Perhaps only as yet another test from God and how I would react and handle myself. Needless to say I do not believe I fared so well given limited information.

A coworker of mine, whom I trust completely, shared with me what I perceived as a troubling email in which I was the subject. It seems that my supervisor whom I have almost zero contact with on a weekly basis inquired to my friend and another coworker on what my strengths and weaknesses were. Basically that was the whole message and wanted them to respond on how they felt about my recent performances I suppose.

Only the Lord knows how hard I work, and the week prior to Christmas I was slammed covering for others who were out of of the office. My workload was double for the week, and as these things go, many of these issues seemed to have garnered high visibility.

I think for the most part I handled myself and most of the issues fairly well. All things considered, I had very little if any help on these issues. So I do believe one or two matters were unsolved,....not for a lack of trying....but more due to the fact I had zero support, no one on the other end, or they were geographically unattainable. Most likely these were viewed as negative marks against me. Doesn't matter that I solved many more in a timely and professional manner. I could have done 20 things correctly and speedily, but it is that one that will stick out like a sore thumb.

To make matters worse, though my one coworker is very fair and stands up for me, the other is a master of deflecting issues and blaming others. No doubt in my mind that this other person probably pointed out in an exaggerated manner my shortcomings, all while forgetting to mention my load was double and I had no support.

I was very troubled by all this yesterday, even though the supervisor has yet to speak with me, or mention why he seeking out information from others my strengths and weaknesses. Does he feel I am not pulling my weight? Does he have a one-sided impression about me? Why hasn't he spoken with me yet if he has some concerns so we could talk about it?

I do not know these things, or even if this whole episode is a negative mark heading my direction. The point is, I took it that way and allowed it to ruin the rest of my day. I immediately got defensive (and still am as I write this) and my mood turned sour. It nagged at my mind all evening long and I asked God numerous times to allow me to 'let it go', for I cannot do anything or address what I do not know.

I prayed numerous times about this yesterday, and last night, and again this morning. The worst case scenario, and this is my biggest fault, is that this is some way to set me up to fire me, though unlikely, still possible. Why is it my mind always goes to the worst possible place when faced with these tid-bits I have no control over?

It is because I still live in fear.

I fear how people perceive me. I fear that people have the wrong impression of me because of others who would like to see me fail. I fear because the Enemy knows I dwell on my own self-doubts and this is a continuous way to attack me. I fear that no matter how hard I try, people are only concerned when I stumble or make an innocent mistake. I fear that life is indeed 'unfair'.

When I got home last night, I had a drink. Actually three over the course of the evening and went to bed fairly early. Why? Because I was bummed out and I wanted the day to be over. And here I am now, still worrying about this where I had to write this entry, and having to re-read the scripture: Cast your burdens upon Me and I will care for you.

Let it Go

"But if my total dependance is on the Lord, I have the freedom to release the burden. The promise is that He will daily bear it. We are to cast all our burdens on Him, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7)"

Once again, in my logical sense I believe this statement to be true, however, my heart and emotions that I succumb to wish to fight this statement.

Because I fight this on an emotional level, two things stare me in the face: 1) I have not released my burdens 100%, 2) I do not have total dependance on the Lord. Ergo, if I do not have total dependance on the Lord, then my faith is not pure. I am allowing my mind and the enemy to cast doubt within my heart.

And since I have not released my burdens 100%, then I cannot be truly free and happy. I will continously be plagued by self-doubt, fear of the unknown, lack of trust, endlessly searching for joy.

Man, that sucks.

I just read that last statement of mine again and feel hopelessness to endure self-imposed misery. I really have to get over this stuff. But I feel I am running out of prayers to pray. Almost like a catch-22. The more I pray about it, the more I think about, and the more I recognize my shortcomings. If I don't acknowledge the pain and do something about it, it'll get worse anyway. Seems like a no-win situation, unless I do indeed give over all control to God, which got me here in the first place.

~~~~~~

It's Christmas in three days and I still feel indifferent. The only excitement I feel right now is that I will have an extra day or two off from work, and I will get some yummy food, but other than that, I am missing out on remembered feelings of Christmas past.

I don't have much more to say on this.

Depression - Medicated (part 5)

The first time I took the pills, I wasn't sure what to expect. I was started off on 5mg of Lexapro and was told it may take a few days and a full two weeks to get the medication saturated in my system.

I felt as if I needed help now, not 2 weeks from now.

I swallowed my first pill and waited for the results. I really didn't feel anything at all. 1 hr....2hrs....3hrs...1 day. Nothing. The shortness of breath was bugging me though, and I knew that was seperate, yet related to the depression. Panic attack? Smothering? Don't know and don't care, I just know I was in pain. Not the type of pain like getting pinched or breaking an arm. Not really a headache either. More like an imaginary rubberband just under my sternum getting tighter and tigheter and tighter. I wanted to take deep breaths, yet they did not work.

So I took the Clonzapen. 1mg I believe. This I did notice. Within 20 minutes or so, I was a little light headed. Almost like being buzzed on alcohol without the hangover. It was a surreal feeling. A weird dichotomy of being sober and lucid at the same time. Being alert, yet emotions and feelings and thoughts lightly floating about my skull. The chest pain subsided.

I took two of these a day for a few days....yearning to feel relaxed...to be somewhat numb. My motivation was to rid my pain and to unfocus my irrational thoughts. By the time two weeks rolled around, I can honestly say I don't think I felt much one way or another. I remember that the negatives feelings were indeed disapating, and yet so were the positive feelings as well. Even though I was still me, I wasn't. I became a walking mortal shell....a clone of my fomer self.

It's when I would forget to take the meds on occassion my moods would swing. Missing one day required that I be on track again for at least 4 more days straight before I evened out again. During my moments of cohesiveness, I was (and still am) ashamed and embarrassed that I was regulated to drugs and fought it. "I can get through this without the pills', I told myself. Well, I did carry on...just not very successfully. One day things were good, the next seemed to to plummet. I was very sensative to my surroundings and what people thought of me, especially my parents. At first I didn't tell them. It was months before my parents discovered my orange RX canisters about my house and inquired what was wrong. Already 'outed' by my clumsiness, I told my parents about my depression.

Surprisingly my father was more understanding than I ever would have gave him credit for, and my mother, who thought would support me from the outset, had the exact opposite reaction. She told me I didn't need the drugs, that I would be worse off in the end. Instead of the support and warmth I would have liked from my mother, I felt belittled and chastised and inferior and lectured. Like I had dissapointed her. As if I wanted to be caught. As if I wanted to wake up everyday swallowing a pill and not understanding why or when this all started. I began to doubt my own credibilty in the manner....Do I really need these pills? Is it all a farce?

For the next few weeks I placated my mother and her constant badgering about the pills, always wanting to redirect the conversation elsewhere. I was already struggling with it myself and already concerend what my wife and father were saying and thinking with out my mother chiming in every other day.

to be continued....

My eyes burn....

....from all the crying last night.

And again this morning when I woke up.

And yet again an hour ago as I was on the phone with a behavioral counseler and had to answer the question: "Do you feel like you want to hurt yourself? Are you having suicidal thoughts?"

In which I replied: "No.....I just do not want to wake up."

And now I think about that answer, at that moment it seemed right. It was the truth for that instant in time. Now I wonder whey I said that. I'm too afraid to hurt myself anyway, and I do not wish to cut this life short. I mean it is the only brief stopping point in my mortal shell before I can be free...forever.

Do I hate life? No. No I don't. However, my daily existance right now really sucks. I am being truthful though that I hope I do go to heaven; that my faith in Jesus is strong enough to warrant my name written in the Book of Life. How I long to be free of the the mental strain. I do not like to cry. I do not like to feel sorry for myself. I do not like this feeling of emptiness and sadness and depression and guilt and worry. It makes me tired. But sleep is restless, and even a few hours in slumber is only a minor commercial break until the drama starts all over again.

I called in a perscription today for my Lexapro. I'm currently out. I want a drink too right now as well. I also want to run away. Visions of sitting in an open summer field, sipping on lemonade, breathing in the temperate air, listening to the sounds of nature....closing me eyes and wondering.....'What if? Yes, What if I made other decisions? What does make me happy?'

My spouse and I argued last night. Well, I guess arguing means that two people banter back and forth disagreeing on a common subject. That really was not the case. It was more of me sitting down and listening to how I have changed this last year. How I was the one who is selfish, how I was the one who turned into a recluse. How I have gone 'crazy, nuts, sick and no longer any fun'. Why our friends don't call anymore is because I am a downer. I am told it was my parents and the way they raised me, I was told I over-analyze, I was told I was better when I was a stupid drunk, I was told I cannot let go of the past. I was told I was broken in the head. I was told much, much more.

And I sat, and I listened. I tried to object or get a word in on occasion, but the sarcasm directed back hurt more than any slap in the face or any broken bone I have ever had.

I sat an endured....not by choice. Raising my voice or getting violent would have just made things worse, not that could get much worse in my book anyway. Well, I guess the slightly overt threat of leaving me did make it worse.

I silently prayed. The whole time I listened on how I was the cause of everything wrong in our marriage right now, both intimately and socially, I prayed to Jesus to give me strength. Strength to love my wife, to hear what she said and let the bitterness inside of me drip away, and also the bitterness in her be softened. I never want to hurt her.

Funny really....I am told I do not open up, but when I do, I am quickly beat down on how wrong I am. Makes me even want to build my walls even higher, my skin thicker, but deep down inside it hurts. It kills. It wrenches my heart and my mind and I have to wonder where my Christ is right now. Why does He allow me to face such emotional hardships? Where have I failed Him? Where has my faith faltered? Why does the enemy keep getting a hold of me and push my buttons in the guise of my loved ones....the ones I look towards for support?

I'm going home in a few hours. I don't know what to expect. I'm afraid. I walk on egg shells. I pray and I pray and I pray, yet I feel like I'm sinking further and further into the abyss.

Yes my eyes burn and are red. Today is just another day. Another day lost just like the day before. Christmas is in 11 days from now and I don't even care. To me, I am not sure what happiness is there. Does my wife really appreciate the gifts I get her, or does she feel its just obligatory on my behalf. The gifts she gives me....Are they from her heart and soul, or just her obligation and not predicated on love.

I am stopping right now because my thoughts are becomming more and more incoherent. A jumble of random musings and knee-jerk emotions that I cannot seem to focus on.

Musings on doing nothing.

"People change. Priorities shift. You're in charge now. People are counting on you. You have to live up to their expectations."

"Do I? You have no idea how tempted I am just to bolt."

"Why don't you?"

"Because...I can't.....decide....to do it. I see all the options...I want to do all the options....And so I do nothing. Like an object at rest staying at rest."

I was going to write something completely diffrent today, and when I was at lunch I came across this little blurb of dialogue. Instantly it stopped me in my mental tracks. This is exactly how I feel at times.....the strong desire just to bolt....to leave. To disapear into obscurity and re-invent myself somewhere else....in an easier setting. Knowing that no one has to count on me anylonger or live up to both said and unsaid expectations...including my own.

Like the responder above....I too see all the options, but somehow I seems paralyzed to act on any of them. I would like to do everything as well, hoping that one or more decisions may prove fruitful for me deep down inside, but I know this cannot be true. Action is met with reaction. Ying and Yang. The universe tries to balance out all things. To be happy, perhaps I may make some decisions that lead to more unhappiness, and thus.....I too do nothing. Don't want to rock the boat anymore than my psyche can take it.

Another 24 hours have passed.

One more day I shall never relive, to be forgotten in the sands of time.

One day closer to death that is already written.

Eternal peace is 24 hours closer that it was yesterday.