So things for all intents and purposes seem to be going well, but of course nothing ever is at it seems. You know the quip: "It's almost too quiet...Something isn't right?" Yeah, I almost found my self in it last night but I caught myself just before I got sucked into pandoras box or a gordian knot.
When my wife came home from bowling last night, instead of coming in the house at 9:30...of course she HAS to go next door and console the neighbor...again.
She finally comes in at around 10pm and I ask "What's wrong?"
She procedes to tell me the 'battle lines' are being drawn on the street, that a couple at the end end of the street are siding with the husband in the neighborhood divorce.
Well, I'm not sure why she should be surprised. Name me a divorce where sides weren't taken. My advice to her a few weeks ago is that you can be supportive without getting involved. That means, you can be a shoulder to cry on, get her mind off things, but STAY AWAY from the temptation to getting directly involved.
Nope. She couldn't do it. I'm not sure the exact details or exact timeline, but I now understand our neighbors soon to be ex-husband has e-mailed my wife.....and said a few things...which she felt the need to fire back. I found out AFTER the fact that she had already replied and waited to tell me the following the day.
Mistake #1: My wife took the bait, and replied. I told her if he writes or calls, don't even give the satisfaction of acknowledgement and just delete/ignore. Don't even read the message, lest she get 'worked up' and feel the need to reply, in which case things could escalate. It just give the ex and the other neighbors canon fodder or fuel to ignite a larger exchange.
I explain to my wife, what do you think you will accomplish by replying back? He is moving forward with the divorce. He has moved out. He is not returning. What do you think the resolution will be and why do you care? She tells me that it is important that the 'truth' be heard. Yes, I agree with her...however, we are talking about people who don't know the full story and have already made up their minds. He is not being rational and has already crafted his own version of events based on high emotions and his interpretations...so again, at the end of the day...his mind is not going to be changed, and no one else on the street will give a damn in a few months. Seems like a lot of energy being wasted on a non-issue that she is getting baited into.
Problem is...I can see this (and have seen it for a few weeks now) and my wife doesn't. Her stubborn, "I always have to be 'right'" nature gets in her way. You know, men aren't the only creatures with ego's and pride.
Again, I gave my advice...."You know...if you continue to respond...he's just going to continue to egg you on. If you ignore and delete the messages, he'll give up. He then (and the other neighbors) will have nothing to say about you."
She replied, "I don't care what they think."
"Well, if you don't care what they think, then why are you deteremined that the 'truth' come out and you're obviously getting worked up now. You more or less just countered your own argument....Don't reply, don't fire back, don't get involved...they have nothing to say...end of story."
"So what if they tell untruths or begin to slander us?"
"You just said you don't care. You either care or you don't. The important thing is YOU and I know the truth. When this is all over, you'll never see him again and you don't even speak with the neighbors in question at the end of the street...so again....why do you care? What do you hope to achieve? How is it by replying to him that you see this will come to resolution for the streets sake?"
Then the sad, ugly truth was uttered from her lips...and I had to immediatly had to dismiss this whole conversation or risk getting into an argument.
"You don't stick up for me? If this was someone elses wife on the street, their husband would defend them and have words with him. You didn't"
Ahhhh....so this is what it is about....I didn't jump fast enough when he first said things to you.
Well....the FACT OF THE MATTTER IS....I didn't know about until you had already replied and then decided to tell me a day or two later. I wasn't present to respond when it happened. I don't have his phone number, nor his email address. I haven't even seen him other than the day the police showed up a few days back.
The reason no one is attacking me, or having words with me? Very simple....I STAYED OUT OF IT. I can support my female neighbor (and I have when I spoke with her) without broadcasting my feelings to the street. I don't fuel the fire with any antics that can EVEN be interpreted wrong by anyone. Notice...the neighbors at the end of the street aren't in my Kool-Aid, because I'm not in theirs. The soon-t0-be ex isn't in my grill, because I'm not in his. Namely I haven't given him a chance or an opportunity to do so. The FACT is I gave my advice to my wife to stay out...and she CHOSE not to. She actively made a decisio to get involved...and now is pissed at me because I'm not defending her for something I wasn't even aware of until after it went down and I was graced with the crumbs of information she gave me.
Of course it's now my fault. I see that so clearly now. Once again, I prove that I am just a 'hermit' whose outta touch with the world.
I ended the conversation right there. Fine...go ahead...get worked up about it. Fire back and get into an email and text war with him if you think that's the right way to resolve this and get whatever you think you're gonna get out of this. For once...grow up...walk the other way. Forgive...forget. Move on. Don't dwell on it....Isn't that advice you scream at me over and over again? Oh, I see....it's easy to tell me all this stuff, but you can't do it yourself. Whatever....continue on with your war of words (how is that working out for you anyway?)...and leave this hermit to himself. This is one other area where I don't need to stress about. You don't want my advice, and even if you ask for it...you ignore it anyway. Again, how's this all working out for you?
I ended the conversation here and went to bed.
September 16, 2008
September 15, 2008
Weekly Wrap-up
I decided to take Friday off of work last week for a 'mental health' day. At least that's what I hear people are calling what once was known as 'playing hooky'.
My past job of 10 years, I rarely took a day off....the only times I ever recalling taking time off was when I was very ill with food poisoning or the time I hurt my back. I rarely even took vacations. When I was 'let go' after 10 years, they actually had to pay me out 3 weeks of vacation time I had saved up because I never went anywhere.
Even in High School, I was such a nerd, I even got an award for not missing one day of school in 4 years. No joke.
I'm trying to take a different approach to life now. Last week I had a very frustrating Thursday at work. Nothing was going right, and it was warm, and by the time I got home I was dead tired, sweaty, and sore. Things were piling up around the house like laundry, dishes, taped television and a few other things....so I decided to stay home. And it was nice. I caught up on TV, cleaned our office, did a few loads of laundry, took our dog for a nice long walk, and even had the chance to play some video games uninterrupted.
The neighborhood did have some drama however on Friday. It seems the husband to our next door neighbor came over unexpected as a bunch of us were outside. Within minutes the police were over and temporally cuffed him. I felt for him...I'm sure he was embarrassed beyond belief (I know I would be) and didn't want to make eye contact with any of us. It really had to be magnified since it was pure coincidence we were all outside when this went down. The sad thing is I really do sense a few of our neighbors turning on him...calling him names and talking bad about him....and yet no one knows the whole story. I suppose I'm really sensitive to this because I said I see a lot of parallels between him and me...his wife and mine...his situation and my situation.
After 30 minutes and once the police let him go and they left, and he then left with his head hung low...the husband bashing continued. After another ten minutes or so, I finally spoke up...and told them all without being ashamed that instead of condemning him for what we don't know, we should be praying for his mental health, her peace, and both of their stability. It was just a few weeks ago we were all his friends, and I'm somewhat surprised the tone people are beginning to form...based on nothing.
Saturday I went to men's bible study but I wasn't really enthralled. I like structure and was planning to continue our study in Corinthians, but instead we went way off topic to the point I was actually looking forward to leaving and wonder why I even showed up. I didn't go to church on Sunday either...I was still sore and tired and wanted alone time.
My wife wanted to talk to me yesterday afternoon too. Earlier she was balancing her check book and looking at her finances. She started the conversation by saying, "You're not going to yell at me are you? Don't be mad." Great, with an introduction like that I can only assume the worst, but I steeled myself, took a deep breath, and sat on the couch. "Okay, what's on your mind?"
She proceeded to tell me that she's broke...and tears began to form in her own eyes. I'm sorry, but I saw this coming. As you'll recall, we've argued about money before....And on occasion I've bailed her out in the past with her telling me she'll do better next time. To her credit she has improved, but she's managed to get in over her head again where she is just paying off finance charges anymore with nothing left. Yes, this is the same person who declared bankruptcy 6 years ago. I'd thought she'd learn from her mistakes...but apparently not. She's informed me she has 4 credit cards now and they are all maxed out. Two years ago she didn't have one.
And 4 credit cards later, what does she have to show for it? Sure a few clothes here and there, a few meals, a few holiday gifts....but not 4 maxed out credit cards worth. She says she may need to get another job unless 'we' figure something out. In a way, I almost want her to get another job...1) I don't want to keep being the bail out guy in lieu of her behaviors towards me at times, 2) It may keep her more busy so she's not involved in all the things I question at times, 3) She really needs to learn the lesson the hard way...because all the advice I've been giving for years....she either takes as an attack, or just plain dismisses altogether thinking I'm some control freak. I laugh when she says that inside. I'm a control freak? Apparently not...because we don't have a joint account, nor did I even know about all these maxed cards, so what control she thinks I have, I have no clue.
To make a long story short, she agreed to my idea that we'd both keep a daily journal for one month of every financial transaction (checks, cash, CC's, debit cards) and at the end of the month we'd compare and see if we find any patterns or area's we can both cut.
She's offered to turn everything over to me, and open one joint account where both our salaries are automatically deposited and I pay all the bills. This is something I offered years ago and was met with a lot of resistance. I remember this as being one of those moments where I was being 'controlling'. But now, years later, because it's now 'her idea', I guess it's okay. I'm a bit skeptical though.....what's to stop her in the future from arguing with me that I am in control of everything? Or, I don't give her enough allowance? I'm still trying to figure out how she went from 0 to 4 credit cards in the last 2 years. I'd think once two were maxed out a rational person coming off a bankruptcy would not open a 3rd let a lone a 4th.
Maybe I should be taking another mental health day.
My past job of 10 years, I rarely took a day off....the only times I ever recalling taking time off was when I was very ill with food poisoning or the time I hurt my back. I rarely even took vacations. When I was 'let go' after 10 years, they actually had to pay me out 3 weeks of vacation time I had saved up because I never went anywhere.
Even in High School, I was such a nerd, I even got an award for not missing one day of school in 4 years. No joke.
I'm trying to take a different approach to life now. Last week I had a very frustrating Thursday at work. Nothing was going right, and it was warm, and by the time I got home I was dead tired, sweaty, and sore. Things were piling up around the house like laundry, dishes, taped television and a few other things....so I decided to stay home. And it was nice. I caught up on TV, cleaned our office, did a few loads of laundry, took our dog for a nice long walk, and even had the chance to play some video games uninterrupted.
The neighborhood did have some drama however on Friday. It seems the husband to our next door neighbor came over unexpected as a bunch of us were outside. Within minutes the police were over and temporally cuffed him. I felt for him...I'm sure he was embarrassed beyond belief (I know I would be) and didn't want to make eye contact with any of us. It really had to be magnified since it was pure coincidence we were all outside when this went down. The sad thing is I really do sense a few of our neighbors turning on him...calling him names and talking bad about him....and yet no one knows the whole story. I suppose I'm really sensitive to this because I said I see a lot of parallels between him and me...his wife and mine...his situation and my situation.
After 30 minutes and once the police let him go and they left, and he then left with his head hung low...the husband bashing continued. After another ten minutes or so, I finally spoke up...and told them all without being ashamed that instead of condemning him for what we don't know, we should be praying for his mental health, her peace, and both of their stability. It was just a few weeks ago we were all his friends, and I'm somewhat surprised the tone people are beginning to form...based on nothing.
Saturday I went to men's bible study but I wasn't really enthralled. I like structure and was planning to continue our study in Corinthians, but instead we went way off topic to the point I was actually looking forward to leaving and wonder why I even showed up. I didn't go to church on Sunday either...I was still sore and tired and wanted alone time.
My wife wanted to talk to me yesterday afternoon too. Earlier she was balancing her check book and looking at her finances. She started the conversation by saying, "You're not going to yell at me are you? Don't be mad." Great, with an introduction like that I can only assume the worst, but I steeled myself, took a deep breath, and sat on the couch. "Okay, what's on your mind?"
She proceeded to tell me that she's broke...and tears began to form in her own eyes. I'm sorry, but I saw this coming. As you'll recall, we've argued about money before....And on occasion I've bailed her out in the past with her telling me she'll do better next time. To her credit she has improved, but she's managed to get in over her head again where she is just paying off finance charges anymore with nothing left. Yes, this is the same person who declared bankruptcy 6 years ago. I'd thought she'd learn from her mistakes...but apparently not. She's informed me she has 4 credit cards now and they are all maxed out. Two years ago she didn't have one.
And 4 credit cards later, what does she have to show for it? Sure a few clothes here and there, a few meals, a few holiday gifts....but not 4 maxed out credit cards worth. She says she may need to get another job unless 'we' figure something out. In a way, I almost want her to get another job...1) I don't want to keep being the bail out guy in lieu of her behaviors towards me at times, 2) It may keep her more busy so she's not involved in all the things I question at times, 3) She really needs to learn the lesson the hard way...because all the advice I've been giving for years....she either takes as an attack, or just plain dismisses altogether thinking I'm some control freak. I laugh when she says that inside. I'm a control freak? Apparently not...because we don't have a joint account, nor did I even know about all these maxed cards, so what control she thinks I have, I have no clue.
To make a long story short, she agreed to my idea that we'd both keep a daily journal for one month of every financial transaction (checks, cash, CC's, debit cards) and at the end of the month we'd compare and see if we find any patterns or area's we can both cut.
She's offered to turn everything over to me, and open one joint account where both our salaries are automatically deposited and I pay all the bills. This is something I offered years ago and was met with a lot of resistance. I remember this as being one of those moments where I was being 'controlling'. But now, years later, because it's now 'her idea', I guess it's okay. I'm a bit skeptical though.....what's to stop her in the future from arguing with me that I am in control of everything? Or, I don't give her enough allowance? I'm still trying to figure out how she went from 0 to 4 credit cards in the last 2 years. I'd think once two were maxed out a rational person coming off a bankruptcy would not open a 3rd let a lone a 4th.
Maybe I should be taking another mental health day.
September 09, 2008
The Vicious Circle (part IV- finale)
Wow, I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since our last blow-up, and dare I say things seem back to normal, or as normal as I can expect them for the time being?
Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.
Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.
I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).
When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.
The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.
On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.
The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.
I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.
The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.
So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?
Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.
Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.
I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).
When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.
The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.
On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.
The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.
I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.
The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.
So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?
September 04, 2008
The Vicious Circle (Part III)
After my wife slammed the door and went downstairs, I sat there in bed and while I wasn't as agitated as perhaps I world normally be under these circumstances, it was enough where I knew if I didn't do something to take care of myself, I would eventually be my own worst enemy and spin out of control.
After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.
I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.
Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.
Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.
Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.
After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.
Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.
As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...
"Where are you going?"
"Church."
"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"
At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.
"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."
By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."
"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."
"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"
"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."
"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"
"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."
"Just go to church...."
"I am."
And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.
To be continued....
After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.
I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.
Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.
Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.
Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.
After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.
Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.
As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...
"Where are you going?"
"Church."
"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"
At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.
"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."
By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."
"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."
"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"
"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."
"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"
"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."
"Just go to church...."
"I am."
And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.
To be continued....
September 02, 2008
The Viscious Circle...continues (Part II)
Warning: this entry contains adult language.
So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.
It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.
She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.
Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.
"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.
"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."
"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."
"I'm still a little upset from earlier."
"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"
"Don't I?"
"No."
"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"
"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."
"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."
"Oh, you're so literal...."
"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."
"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."
"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)
"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."
"Really? I beg to differ."
"Really. I still have it."
"Read it then...right now...."
"You know....."
"Read it." I interuppted.
She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.
At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.
"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."
"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."
"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"
I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."
"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."
"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"
"No we need to get this out and over with..."
At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."
"No....I'm done now."
"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.
"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.
"You're an asshole."
"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.
"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.
But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.
"So you're not saying anything?"
"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."
My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.
She didn't leave that night...
To be continued....
So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.
It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.
She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.
Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.
"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.
"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."
"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."
"I'm still a little upset from earlier."
"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"
"Don't I?"
"No."
"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"
"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."
"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."
"Oh, you're so literal...."
"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."
"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."
"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)
"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."
"Really? I beg to differ."
"Really. I still have it."
"Read it then...right now...."
"You know....."
"Read it." I interuppted.
She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.
At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.
"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."
"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."
"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"
I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."
"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."
"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"
"No we need to get this out and over with..."
At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."
"No....I'm done now."
"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.
"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.
"You're an asshole."
"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.
"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.
But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.
"So you're not saying anything?"
"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."
My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.
She didn't leave that night...
To be continued....
August 29, 2008
The vicious cycle never ends.
3 weeks ago my wife came home and boldly claimed "That's it...Screw my job....They don't pay me for all this overtime I put in so I'm not doing it anymore and I'm gonna start coming home at 6pm and we'll walk the dog together."
I sat there for a minute not knowing how to react. It sounded good, but my wife always seems to make certain proclomations from time to time, yet they never seem to be executed.
As usual, I always delude myself into possibly believeing that she actually means it this time, only to be let down in either a few days or a few weeks. Why should this time be any different?
Because I'm a sucker and always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Like I said.....I'm an idiot and a sucker.
The first few days it seemed okay. She was home by 6pm, give or take a few minutes, and we indeed walked the dog.
That was the first three days.
By day four she came home at 7pm and then said it was too hot for her to walk the dog, but I did anyway. The next day although she did come home a bit earlier, again it was apparantly to hot for us to walk the dog, but I went ahead and walked him anyway....by myself...again.
The following week disentigrated even further. We didn't walk the dog at all together, and her time coming home was again closer to 7pm. There was even one night she went to talk to the neighbor who is going through a rough patch with her husband and was over there for an additional hour.
Well, this week her schedule was as such: Monday night - bowling (double length), Tuesday night- later evening at work to catch up, Wed. night - visit the neighbor again, Thursday - a co-worker had a personal crisis (home at 8:15), Tomorrow is girls night out, and I just received an e-mail she is going to be at a co-workers birthday tonight and be home between 9-10 (my guess it'll be later...because every time my wife puts a time stamp on herself, I've learned its 'never' the time she first indicates) she said she told me 2 weeks ago. I don't remember her telling me, but I can't be sure.
So this week, we're back to sqaure one (it lasted all but 1 week) and I called her out on it: "What happened to this speech you gave me 3 weeks ago about 6pm and walking the dog, etc?" I thought I was being nice and said I'm a little confused between what was said and what is happening, and was honest in saying I feel I'm playing second fiddle to her friends, and I'm a little envious of her time she can devote to them, but not me.
Why do I set myself up for these things? You'd think I'd learn by now with almost 5 years under my belt. Keep my mouth shut.
No, instead I received a pretty snide and aggressive email stating "I didn't know we set an exact time on walking the dog." -And- "You're always playing Xbox or watching TV anyway way I come home." -And the kicker- "You're not the same fun person I married 5 years ago. You're a hermit and I don't want to be. I want to talk with friends instead of playing video games."
Arrgghhhh....See the circle here? Now it's my fault. If I understand this correctly, she hangs out with her friends and comes home late because I play video games too much or watching TV. Not because her statement of coming home at 6pm really means any random time between 6:30 and 9pm and I'm supposed to guess what time it is today, so instead....because I'm waiting around for someone who comes and goes at their own scheduling, I turn on a video game. I'll have you know, I've only turned on my X-Box once this whole week, and my Wii twice (I was actually exercising on my Wii Fit and not playing a came at all).
"I come home and your stuck in front of C.o.H or the TV."
Really? Funny, since I haven't played C.o.H. in over 8 months, and I'm watching TV after I walk the dog by myself to relax because YOU'RE NOT HOME YET. Should I be paininting the house? Twiddling my thumbs aimlessly? Pulling non-existant weeds? Something else to fill my alone time when YOU'RE NOT HERE!?! Please tell me, what should I be doing as to placate you since I have NO CLUE when you are coming home that is safe for me to avoid your wrath? Take up smoking? Drink more?
"You're turning into a hermit."
Why? Because I don't want to be a part of the neighborhood gossip clutch? Because I don't feel the need to have a drink everytime they get together and talk about the same mundane thing for the thousandth time in a row? Because I can predict exactly who will say what and when, and the topics are limited to the same 3 inane subjects?
This all sounds so bad after what my neighbors are currently going through, but I swear, its moments like this one right now I can understand why it looks easy to walk away from it all.
Don't be surprised if I don't have drink tonight.
I sat there for a minute not knowing how to react. It sounded good, but my wife always seems to make certain proclomations from time to time, yet they never seem to be executed.
As usual, I always delude myself into possibly believeing that she actually means it this time, only to be let down in either a few days or a few weeks. Why should this time be any different?
Because I'm a sucker and always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Like I said.....I'm an idiot and a sucker.
The first few days it seemed okay. She was home by 6pm, give or take a few minutes, and we indeed walked the dog.
That was the first three days.
By day four she came home at 7pm and then said it was too hot for her to walk the dog, but I did anyway. The next day although she did come home a bit earlier, again it was apparantly to hot for us to walk the dog, but I went ahead and walked him anyway....by myself...again.
The following week disentigrated even further. We didn't walk the dog at all together, and her time coming home was again closer to 7pm. There was even one night she went to talk to the neighbor who is going through a rough patch with her husband and was over there for an additional hour.
Well, this week her schedule was as such: Monday night - bowling (double length), Tuesday night- later evening at work to catch up, Wed. night - visit the neighbor again, Thursday - a co-worker had a personal crisis (home at 8:15), Tomorrow is girls night out, and I just received an e-mail she is going to be at a co-workers birthday tonight and be home between 9-10 (my guess it'll be later...because every time my wife puts a time stamp on herself, I've learned its 'never' the time she first indicates) she said she told me 2 weeks ago. I don't remember her telling me, but I can't be sure.
So this week, we're back to sqaure one (it lasted all but 1 week) and I called her out on it: "What happened to this speech you gave me 3 weeks ago about 6pm and walking the dog, etc?" I thought I was being nice and said I'm a little confused between what was said and what is happening, and was honest in saying I feel I'm playing second fiddle to her friends, and I'm a little envious of her time she can devote to them, but not me.
Why do I set myself up for these things? You'd think I'd learn by now with almost 5 years under my belt. Keep my mouth shut.
No, instead I received a pretty snide and aggressive email stating "I didn't know we set an exact time on walking the dog." -And- "You're always playing Xbox or watching TV anyway way I come home." -And the kicker- "You're not the same fun person I married 5 years ago. You're a hermit and I don't want to be. I want to talk with friends instead of playing video games."
Arrgghhhh....See the circle here? Now it's my fault. If I understand this correctly, she hangs out with her friends and comes home late because I play video games too much or watching TV. Not because her statement of coming home at 6pm really means any random time between 6:30 and 9pm and I'm supposed to guess what time it is today, so instead....because I'm waiting around for someone who comes and goes at their own scheduling, I turn on a video game. I'll have you know, I've only turned on my X-Box once this whole week, and my Wii twice (I was actually exercising on my Wii Fit and not playing a came at all).
"I come home and your stuck in front of C.o.H or the TV."
Really? Funny, since I haven't played C.o.H. in over 8 months, and I'm watching TV after I walk the dog by myself to relax because YOU'RE NOT HOME YET. Should I be paininting the house? Twiddling my thumbs aimlessly? Pulling non-existant weeds? Something else to fill my alone time when YOU'RE NOT HERE!?! Please tell me, what should I be doing as to placate you since I have NO CLUE when you are coming home that is safe for me to avoid your wrath? Take up smoking? Drink more?
"You're turning into a hermit."
Why? Because I don't want to be a part of the neighborhood gossip clutch? Because I don't feel the need to have a drink everytime they get together and talk about the same mundane thing for the thousandth time in a row? Because I can predict exactly who will say what and when, and the topics are limited to the same 3 inane subjects?
This all sounds so bad after what my neighbors are currently going through, but I swear, its moments like this one right now I can understand why it looks easy to walk away from it all.
Don't be surprised if I don't have drink tonight.
August 25, 2008
Guilt or no guilt?
Yesterday, Sunday, I had all intentions of going to church. I got up early, had coffee, cleaned up, looked at the clock...and looked again....and waited...and looked again every few minutes.
Church begins at 9:30 and I never feel too bad for missing the first song. To be honest, I just can't ever seem to get into the 'worship' portion of our service which generally includes 4 songs. I feel bad for saying this, but I find them so lyrically repetitive and, um, 'corny' at times. It doesn't help that our band only seems to have a repetoire of what seems like 12 songs total, so in any given month, you may hear the same ones a few times. I generally just like the actual message or sermon to be quite frank.
By 9:45 I was of course late, and just seemed to look for an excuse not to go at this point, and I can't tell you why. So when my wife asked me to goes to Lowe's right then, I said 'Okay', and blew off church.
By 11am (which is the time our service normally ends), I was experiencing on-again, off-again feelings of guilt for not going. Part of me felt ashamed one minute for not spending an hour and a half with God, and then the next minute I was feeling okay. The best line I can think of (and it sounds like a lame excuse, I know...) is that I was burnt out yesterday. Sure, it's a selfish reason and doesn't make much sense to anyone other than the justification within my own head, but I guess I just didn't feel like going afterall. And I don't know why.
But here we are on Monday, and I still feel little stabs of guilt. Perhaps I am trying to hide from some sort of self-conviction. Maybe. With the whole neighbor sitation going on right now and some other stuff, I admit my thought process has been a little bleak and jaded.
In a strange moment of past reflection, it's almost as if I wish I were alone again. No contact from anyone...not because I feel depressed right now....it's liek I just need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. It was even a mental struggle this morning wanting to go to work. I'm actually fantasizing about just sitting home and reading a book in the backyard, playing hooky, and drinking some fresh ice-tea and breathing in the last of the warm summer air.
Do you guys ever feel that way? Not just about being burnt out from church, but maybe something bigger overall....like isolating yourself from the chaos and commotion of a busy lifestyle?
Church begins at 9:30 and I never feel too bad for missing the first song. To be honest, I just can't ever seem to get into the 'worship' portion of our service which generally includes 4 songs. I feel bad for saying this, but I find them so lyrically repetitive and, um, 'corny' at times. It doesn't help that our band only seems to have a repetoire of what seems like 12 songs total, so in any given month, you may hear the same ones a few times. I generally just like the actual message or sermon to be quite frank.
By 9:45 I was of course late, and just seemed to look for an excuse not to go at this point, and I can't tell you why. So when my wife asked me to goes to Lowe's right then, I said 'Okay', and blew off church.
By 11am (which is the time our service normally ends), I was experiencing on-again, off-again feelings of guilt for not going. Part of me felt ashamed one minute for not spending an hour and a half with God, and then the next minute I was feeling okay. The best line I can think of (and it sounds like a lame excuse, I know...) is that I was burnt out yesterday. Sure, it's a selfish reason and doesn't make much sense to anyone other than the justification within my own head, but I guess I just didn't feel like going afterall. And I don't know why.
But here we are on Monday, and I still feel little stabs of guilt. Perhaps I am trying to hide from some sort of self-conviction. Maybe. With the whole neighbor sitation going on right now and some other stuff, I admit my thought process has been a little bleak and jaded.
In a strange moment of past reflection, it's almost as if I wish I were alone again. No contact from anyone...not because I feel depressed right now....it's liek I just need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. It was even a mental struggle this morning wanting to go to work. I'm actually fantasizing about just sitting home and reading a book in the backyard, playing hooky, and drinking some fresh ice-tea and breathing in the last of the warm summer air.
Do you guys ever feel that way? Not just about being burnt out from church, but maybe something bigger overall....like isolating yourself from the chaos and commotion of a busy lifestyle?
August 21, 2008
Keeping up with the Jonses'
"Tell those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which will soon be gone. But their trust should be in the living God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6: 17-18)
In somewhat of an interlude to the recent Marriage Woes entries, this topic sprung into my mind based upon a cliche that I've heard quite a few times from the neighbors over the last few days in reference to perhaps one of the causes to the husband's recent behavior.
While I think people are using this cliche a little too liberally here, I can't say it doesn't hold some merit. Just not the amount of merit everyone else is putting stock into right now.
The young couple in crisis right now (actually only 6 years younger than my wife and I) perhaps weren't prepared for what they took on a few years ago when they moved into the neighborhood. It was a time when the mortgage industry was sewing the seeds that would ultimately turn into the housing industry debacle we all have been experiencing this last year. Home prices shot up dramatically making it very hard for first time owners to be a responsible party in the owner/bank equation. Lenders circumvented this by offering insane deals that didn't make sense to anyone (including me) and thus the introductions of these ARM statements.
Fast forward a few years where the economy turns stagnant, ARMs re-adjust, gas prices shoot up, and the dollar falls. They say that foreclosures are at an all time high, and people are really holding on to their jobs. In the area in which we live, staying unemployed for too long spells trouble.
I think financial woes may have gotten to my neighbor. They may have bitten more off than they could chew, and it didn't help that he lost his job and had to eventually take something he didn't care for as much that paid less. That's how I felt when I lost my job. The $900 from the gov't every two weeks doesn't come close to the salary I was making, but fortunately I was always pretty good with money and saved up for a rainy day (my wife never understood why I was miserly at times early on...and during my loss of employment, I think she changed her tune when she saw I had much saved up). But I did have my doubts and concerns and worries just like everyone else. I may have been a little too pessimistic though...I was always talking about the rainy day, obsessed it would be coming one day, thus I never learned how to relax and enjoy a lot of simple things in life.
My neighbor, however, (at least in some of our casual conversations in the past) would tell me about all the great things his friends had, all the toys his brother had, the track homes in upscale areas his buddies now owned....and he always seemed to compare them to himself. He is college educated, married, just turned 31 years of age.....and has quite a few setbacks the last few years. On the surface I think he thinks that how did all his friends move ahead and 'appear' to be happier and he and his wife continue to struggle to make ends meet. He liked the idea and the appearance he was on par with everyone else. It just wasn't the case, and I really suspect his friends are all about appearances too (secretly in debt, living beyond their means....any day the floor just about to drop from under them).
I know the feeling. My wife and I argue about finances. That's been our main bone of contention in our own marriage. We've had some doozies on how to spend or not to spend money and what our responsibilities are to ourselves and each other in that realm.. I constantly think about retirement and social security, and the way we save and spend money, and I don't think I can retire anytime soon.
I finally admit to myself, I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be in this phase of my life. When I was 22-23 and just about to graduate college (1993) I thought "Who wouldn't want to hire me?". I mean I was a Business Management graduate with a double minor in computer information systems and marketing. I was also pretty much an A/B student. I'm sharp and a quick learner. I thought it was only a matter of months, maybe weeks, before I had a nice job that afforded me an office and a leather brief case (I probably watched too much Dallas back in the day and I wanted to emulate the lifestyle of JR Ewing).
In my head I envisioned that in about 5 years I would be driving a Mercedes Benz, I would have a nice house, and most likely engaged. In 10 years I would be well onto raising my 2 kids, and my wife would be a stay at home mom and once a year we'd go on a fabulous vacation.
In reality I got married after 10 years and started our life together in a condo, and now an attached house. I have a step-daughter who doesn't treat me as a father figure at all, someone who still just dates her mom, a wife who can't comprehend simple financial matters nor can seem to get pregnant any longer or even wants children at this point. We have yet to take a honeymoon in 5 years, and it seems to be a major decision right now if we can afford to buy all new shutters or blinds, or do we get a new front door or stove? I never got my Mercedes either...I drove my last car for 11 years and it leaked all the time, but I couldn't buy a new car when I was unemployed.
So yeah, things didn't work out the way I planned. At one point it really depressed me, and occasionally when others tell me how great their trip to Italy was, or how they just bought a Jet Ski and will be going to the lake this weekend, or how they just had the whole kitchen remodeled in granite and stainless steel, I admit a tinge of jealousy. But it could be worse.
I think that's what my neighbor is going through as well. I remember once he saw my 42" plasma TV a few years back.....he had to have one too. When his brother got a Lexus, he had to get an Infinity himself. When they saw other neighbors affording gardeners, they got one too. And perhaps the lifestyle caught up with them. Keeping up with the Jones' and the unsaid competition with family and friends led to some unsavory financial burdens and stress. I don't think they have attained where they would like to be in life (I sure didn't), and thus haven't found happiness or contentment.....juss mounting bills and headaches.
Fortunately I never got that far, but I do know the feeling and desires. Today, I don't make the money I made 3 years ago, but I am starting to learn how to appreciate what I have much more. I don't shop at Nordstroms or Saks any longer. I get nice $10 t-shirts and $30 tennis shoes at Kohl's. I don't put premium gas in my car any longer. I still have a VCR and not a Blu-Ray player. I buy my video games months after they come out, because that's when the price tends to drop. We cook more at home and have leftovers we take to work instead of $15-20 a plate dinners. I get my hair cut at Supercuts now. We still haven't take a vacation in a far away country, but this year I do plan on perhaps driving somewhere for a week.
I have learned the hard way about certain sacrifices, and yeah I may be disappointed on occasion, but I do spend more time with friends now, my dog, and learn to make do with what I have. I come to realize that I'll never have the lifestyle of the Ewings, but I do know with God in my heart, I have other riches that await me in the next life that I'll never experience here. I may not exactly like everything in my life right now, but I have come to the realization that God provides everything I need right now.....something the Jones' don't.
August 20, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part III)
It's Sunday and it just so happens that another couple on our street was planning to celebrate their own 17th wedding anniversary that evening but it was a very odd feeling and topic to discuss openly knowing that our other neighbors are going through crisis.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
August 19, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part II)
Saturday more or less had an unusual cloud of silenced concern over our neighborhood. By now, many of the neighbors (not all) had known what was currently transpiring and there were many hushed talks going on.
I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.
As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.
My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.
The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.
Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.
To be continued....
I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.
As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.
My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.
The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.
Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.
To be continued....
August 18, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part I)
I'm not trying to be glib at all, but for the first time in a long time I can say this entry isn't about the state of my marriage, but that of my neighbors.
Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.
When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.
Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.
It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.
Just like me almost two years ago.
Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.
Just like me.
Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.
Just like me.
His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...
Just like me.
As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.
I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?
Perhaps.
I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.
I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.
I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.
Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.
My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.
Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.
When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.
Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.
It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.
Just like me almost two years ago.
Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.
Just like me.
Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.
Just like me.
His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...
Just like me.
As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.
I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?
Perhaps.
I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.
I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.
I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.
Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.
My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.
August 14, 2008
Personal Reflection
It has been quite some time since I last made an entry, and I'm not exactly positive I know why.
It seems that last few weeks my existance has been comfortably residing within a set of parenthesis. I've had an odd feeling of peace, and I'm not even sure that the word 'peace' is even actually appropriate a description.
Everything has been very routine and comfortable for the most part. I can't say that I am extremely happy, nor am I sad. It's as if many of my emotions have just been minimized and while I am aware of the things going on around me, I don't have much inout or devoted much energy into contemplating them. Writing this own entry as it flows from my brain to my hands is probably the most I thought on any subject at any level that's just deeper than its surface.
I did one argument with my wife about a week ago, and I really tried to avoid it on multiple levels. I truly feel looking back that she really wanted to raise my 'ire' but I'm not sure why. I even exclaimed more than once that I wished to stop this now lest in go into territory that we'd both be sorry about. I asked her at least three times to stop, but she really knows how to press my buttons. If anything hurt me at all, it wasn't about the subject matter of the fight (money of course), in that respect I really wasn't mad....what made me angry was her deliberate twisting of my words and making these apple and orange type comparisons that made no sense at all, other than to just keep the argument going....for argument sake only.
But even after it was over, I got over it very quickly. It had to be one of the dumbest arguments we have ever had and I don't think I am saying that because I am a man. On the contrary I usually get much more worked up and much more emotional than my wife ever does. I swear, it was like she was on a mission to get under my skin that day and I don't know why. In the end, it may have backfired on her, because she stormed off and stewed for quiet some time afterwards and I was right back at being at peace minutes later and it didn't bother me.....WHich I think bothered her in the irony of it all.
In other matters, my mom and I have been getting along just fine. I did skip church last week and had a tinge of guilt, but not too much (which actually botehr me now....that I didn't have too much guilt). I'm a bit burnt out on things in general....work, chores, church, family, news, etc.
It's odd really. I do feel somewhat detached from everything close and dear to me other than my dog. I've been watching the news lately, and its just as sick and deprived as it always is. Horrible things are going on abroad and right here as well and yet I have no feeling for it.
The best anaology I can think of right now is my body is producing its own Lexapro like anti-depressant. My mood and feelings are pretty stable and nuetral which normally aren't the case.
I can't help but wonder if Jesus is preparing me for something, or working with me in a way I haven't yet been able to figure out. In a strange way, I've been pretty comfortable both mentally and emotionally the last few weeks and I'm not sure I want any change any time soon.
It seems that last few weeks my existance has been comfortably residing within a set of parenthesis. I've had an odd feeling of peace, and I'm not even sure that the word 'peace' is even actually appropriate a description.
Everything has been very routine and comfortable for the most part. I can't say that I am extremely happy, nor am I sad. It's as if many of my emotions have just been minimized and while I am aware of the things going on around me, I don't have much inout or devoted much energy into contemplating them. Writing this own entry as it flows from my brain to my hands is probably the most I thought on any subject at any level that's just deeper than its surface.
I did one argument with my wife about a week ago, and I really tried to avoid it on multiple levels. I truly feel looking back that she really wanted to raise my 'ire' but I'm not sure why. I even exclaimed more than once that I wished to stop this now lest in go into territory that we'd both be sorry about. I asked her at least three times to stop, but she really knows how to press my buttons. If anything hurt me at all, it wasn't about the subject matter of the fight (money of course), in that respect I really wasn't mad....what made me angry was her deliberate twisting of my words and making these apple and orange type comparisons that made no sense at all, other than to just keep the argument going....for argument sake only.
But even after it was over, I got over it very quickly. It had to be one of the dumbest arguments we have ever had and I don't think I am saying that because I am a man. On the contrary I usually get much more worked up and much more emotional than my wife ever does. I swear, it was like she was on a mission to get under my skin that day and I don't know why. In the end, it may have backfired on her, because she stormed off and stewed for quiet some time afterwards and I was right back at being at peace minutes later and it didn't bother me.....WHich I think bothered her in the irony of it all.
In other matters, my mom and I have been getting along just fine. I did skip church last week and had a tinge of guilt, but not too much (which actually botehr me now....that I didn't have too much guilt). I'm a bit burnt out on things in general....work, chores, church, family, news, etc.
It's odd really. I do feel somewhat detached from everything close and dear to me other than my dog. I've been watching the news lately, and its just as sick and deprived as it always is. Horrible things are going on abroad and right here as well and yet I have no feeling for it.
The best anaology I can think of right now is my body is producing its own Lexapro like anti-depressant. My mood and feelings are pretty stable and nuetral which normally aren't the case.
I can't help but wonder if Jesus is preparing me for something, or working with me in a way I haven't yet been able to figure out. In a strange way, I've been pretty comfortable both mentally and emotionally the last few weeks and I'm not sure I want any change any time soon.
July 28, 2008
A friend looses a pet
I have a childhood friend who just informed me via e-mail that his cat of just over 15 years passed away on Friday.
Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.
I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.
I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.
My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:
"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.
She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."
After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.
Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.
I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.
I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.
My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:
"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.
She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."
After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.
July 21, 2008
Sad News
How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog -- it's here a little while, then it's gone. (James 4: 14)
I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.
Advanced.
The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.
He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.
It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.
I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?
Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.
In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.
I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.
On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.
My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.
I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.
Advanced.
The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.
He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.
It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.
I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?
Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.
In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.
I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.
On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.
My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.
July 14, 2008
Yet another interuption.
One of my coworkers has called in this morning and has informed us he will not be at work this whole week and his new wife just gave birth to their first son. Well, congratulations to him and I hope everything is well.
But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.
When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.
And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.
Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.
But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.
When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.
And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.
Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.
July 11, 2008
A Series of Events (Part IV)
Wow. All I can say is that these past two weeks have been filled with plenty of drama and ups and downs.
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
July 02, 2008
Spiritual Intervention?
This afternoon, something strange happened and I thought I'd share it with you all as soon as I could.
I was out in the field working and when I was done, I was close enough to a fast food joint that I thought I'd take a few minutes and grab an Ice-Tea and a snack and sit down and enjoy the coolness of the air conditioned room. Looking for something to read, I happened to grab a small newletter that was stashed in our company truck's glove compartment.
It ended up being the Alamo Christian Ministries World Newsletter and I was drawn to a letter on the front page written to pastor Tony Alamo:
Whoa! This person sounds just like me. I didn't copy the whole letter down, but you get the gist of it. We all have our moments....even Christians....and I too get so angry.
And then I was thinking about the last few days. I've written some lengthy posts the last two days, and I realized that the length of my posts and aggressive tone of them is because I too have been angry at my surroundings.
You see this blog is also my own self-therapy. I tend to write a lot when I am agitated and frustrated. I'm not out skipping in the daisies or humming a pleasing tune...no I am venting. And I can't help but notice that my last few posts may come across as negative. On the contrary, I hope you realize I am venting, and this is a way for me to organize and let loose my feelings without doing something stupid.
But what is really strange and I'd like to call your attention to is the fact that I've been edgy the last few days, and in this state of mind, I randomly grabbed a piece of paper to read....and it turned out to be a Christian newsletter stuffed in our company car. How did that get there? And why did I grab it today of all days? Fate? Perhaps God is trying to bring something to my attention and today took the opportunity to do so.
While I do feel a little bit better, I continue with the remainder of the story I've been venting about the last few days, but I thought you may get a kick out of this strange coincidence.
I was out in the field working and when I was done, I was close enough to a fast food joint that I thought I'd take a few minutes and grab an Ice-Tea and a snack and sit down and enjoy the coolness of the air conditioned room. Looking for something to read, I happened to grab a small newletter that was stashed in our company truck's glove compartment.
It ended up being the Alamo Christian Ministries World Newsletter and I was drawn to a letter on the front page written to pastor Tony Alamo:
Dear Pastor Tony,
Hi, how are you doing and
feeling these days? Well, I'm writing you about the literature that you've
sent me, and I must say I got a lot out of it, and it has opened my eyes to a
lot of things that I was indeed doing wrong and I thought I was right. It
also showed me how unclean my surroundings are and how to deal with it.
Pastor, I'm really trying to put up with people who are not believers of
Christ. It's very hard, and I see myself getting very angry, not because
they don't believe, but because they're trying to make me stumble, and I'm
trying so hard not to stumble. Every time I get angry, I look to the
literature you've sent to me, and then I will pray on it because I'm really
trying to change my way of thinking, as well as living. I still need a lot
of work yet, but with the Lord's help I'll make it.
Whoa! This person sounds just like me. I didn't copy the whole letter down, but you get the gist of it. We all have our moments....even Christians....and I too get so angry.
And then I was thinking about the last few days. I've written some lengthy posts the last two days, and I realized that the length of my posts and aggressive tone of them is because I too have been angry at my surroundings.
You see this blog is also my own self-therapy. I tend to write a lot when I am agitated and frustrated. I'm not out skipping in the daisies or humming a pleasing tune...no I am venting. And I can't help but notice that my last few posts may come across as negative. On the contrary, I hope you realize I am venting, and this is a way for me to organize and let loose my feelings without doing something stupid.
But what is really strange and I'd like to call your attention to is the fact that I've been edgy the last few days, and in this state of mind, I randomly grabbed a piece of paper to read....and it turned out to be a Christian newsletter stuffed in our company car. How did that get there? And why did I grab it today of all days? Fate? Perhaps God is trying to bring something to my attention and today took the opportunity to do so.
While I do feel a little bit better, I continue with the remainder of the story I've been venting about the last few days, but I thought you may get a kick out of this strange coincidence.
A Series of Events (Part III) - Saturday Afternoon
As I said, I made the call at 3pm already dreading it as I dialed.
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
July 01, 2008
A Series of Events (Part II) - Saturday morning
My wife wasn't too happy that she had to work Saturday. She is a salaried employee who doesn't really have the luxury of saying "No" or taking a break when she would like to. I do have some empathy for her as I know her boss and the company takes advanatge of her.
Her problem, and I tried to warn her multiple times of this a few years back, is that she has a problem saying "No." to her company when they ask her to do favors. Funny, she doesn't have a problem saying "No." to me when I think about it. She's sorta backed herself into a corner these days in the fact that her boss doesn't even ask for 'favors' anylonger. My wife has said "Yes." so many times in the past, they now just expect her to work when everyone else takes time off for personal reasons. If there is one thing outside our marital and financial issues that irks me is that I really do feel they have her over a barrel and truly take advanatge of the situation. The last few months her work has been piling up and on, and her 40 hour a week job has easily been closer to 60 as of late. The problem is, they really do not compensate her for it...not even 'comp' time. I know the state of the economy we're in, and with some of our bills, we can't afford (for very long) to have one of us lose our job right now. She just got her merit raise and it was a whole 3%. I suppose 3% is better than nothing (my company didn't give any raises so far this year), but 3% of nothing really doesn't equate to much anyhow. It clearly doesn't even come close to the amount of hours she's been working, and for that I do feel bad for her. On the flip side.....the more she works though, I figure the less likely she's apt to get in trouble and also stays away from what I consider some bad outside influences.
Anyway, she got up early on Saturday morning to go to work and since I've been having trouble sleeping anyways, I decided to get up as well. It was early enough where I figured I could do some chores before I went to my mens bible study at 8:30am. At about 7:15 I decided to take a few minutes break and play a video game for a few minutes.
That's the danger of addictive games....my planned 30 minute break started to creep up on 45 minutes and I kept telling myself "5 more minutes" and I gotta go. Well, I must have said that to myself at least 3 times because the next time I looked at the clock it was now 8:25 and I wasn't even dressed. Thankfully, my church os only 2 minutes away, so I figure they never start on time anyway, so if I'm 5 minutes late, I really haven't missed anything.
Well, wouldn't you know...I stretched my 5 extra minutes into an additional 10. When I finally turned off my computer and got dressed it was now 8:45. I told myself I should start a load of laundry (it should be done by the time I get back)....after I take my medication. I loaded the machine with my work clothes, took my meds and then looked at the clock. 9:00am. Great. Now I'm 30 minutes late.
I look at my dog and realize he hadn't been walked in two days due to the heat and I felt a bit guilty. I made the decision to walk my dog and forego bible study. By the time I got there at this rate it'd be 1/2 over anyway.
Ugh. Inside I felt ashamed. I had all intentions of going the previous few days and thought I was looking forward to attending. But deep down inside, I must have made some internal excuses as to how to avoid it....and then justify it within my mind. My last self-justification was that my body was still recovering from my latest Uticaria outbreak, with my hives about 90% under control. Why chance the heat if I can maintain being cool at home?
I was productive however. I vacuumed the house and mopped the kitchen. I unloaded the dishwasher. I watered the plants and trimmed some bushes out front. I walked the dog. I cleaned the toilets and did two loads of laundry and tidied up a little bit around the house.
I did such a fine job I decied to take a break...again...playing a video game.
The phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as my mother. I didn't answer. I had already spoke to her on Friday on two seperate occassions that she initiated to talk about my skin condition and I couldn't think for the life of me what more could be said or added that hadn't been discussed 100 times before.
That was sort of a mistake not to take the call and just resign myself to the fact that my mother is on one of her 'missions' and will not give up until she feels she completed her self appointed duty. In this case, getting a hold of me.
Now let me preface the next set of paragraphs with a little background on my mother and me and our dynamic. I am an only child...meaning I have no brothers or sisters to share either the ire or love of my parents. My mother is 100% Italian and has an alpha personality. I do indeed love my mother very, very much. I cannot stress how much I do love her, but, she does have the uncanny ability to drive me crazy, run things into the ground, never let go of ancient history, and generally get involved in things when not asked to because she wants and feel the need to help.
In the past I have asked my mother very politely to back off of certain things, especially when it comes to my marriage and personal life. Sometimes I find myself repeatedly asking her to back off. Sometimes my politeness has a limit...and after we go round and round on a topic for the tenth time, I begin to lose my patience and my politeness.
You also have to understand my mother really has the the best of intentions. I know deep down she means no harm and just wants to help, but she can be the 'nosy neighbor' or the person who just finds themselves in the middle of everything no matter how hard you try and avoid it. To put it simply, my mother has control issues, and I often wonder how much of a contributing factor she is/was in my depression. I say that because as much as I love my mother, I cringe when the phone rings anymore. It's always 'something'. It's usually a laundry list of whats wrong with everybody else, or some wacky advice with no real basis in fact. And probably the biggest issue I have with my mother to date: it takes her forever to get to the point on anything due to the round-about way she discussed things.
You're probably thinking about the same thing right now in regards to me. Well, maybe that is true on occassion. But I really think this is the biggest diffrence between the two of us: I am very detailed orientated and can take you from point A to point Z in a very methodical, effiecient, and planned out manner. My mother can also take you to point Z if you don't mind traveling back to previous points multiple times.
Me: A-B-C-D-E-F......X-Y-Z.
My mother: A-A-B-C-A-D-E-A-B....
You get the point. It's maddening, frustrating, repetitive, eye-rolling, and pateince testing. There are times I catch myself saying "Yeah, yeah..Got it..Okay..Move on....Your point is?" And for some reason, no matter how much I pray to God to grant me patience....it is something I really don't have yet.
So when I don't pick up our house phone...then my cell phone rings just afterwards. Typical M.O. This will continue every half hour until I call back or pick up. The longer I wait, the more intense the conversation will become and then I have to answer additional questions like "Where were you? Why didn't you pick up? I've been trying to call all day."
Yeah, I know.....that's why I don't pick up....I have nothing to say at times and I don't want to get sucked into a 20 minute conversation about who knows what. I relish in peace and quiet at times and enjoy my days off in solitude. 90% of the time the conversations she initiates have no real depth to them or point. I figure its just her way at 64 years of age to keep tabs on me or to interject herself yet again, for her own self-validation. Oh man, I know that sounds so harsh and mean spirited and I cringe internally when I even think it, but that's how I feel.
Needless to say, I avoid the calls as long as I can and decide to suck it up, sit down, and return the call at 3pm.
To be continued.....
Her problem, and I tried to warn her multiple times of this a few years back, is that she has a problem saying "No." to her company when they ask her to do favors. Funny, she doesn't have a problem saying "No." to me when I think about it. She's sorta backed herself into a corner these days in the fact that her boss doesn't even ask for 'favors' anylonger. My wife has said "Yes." so many times in the past, they now just expect her to work when everyone else takes time off for personal reasons. If there is one thing outside our marital and financial issues that irks me is that I really do feel they have her over a barrel and truly take advanatge of the situation. The last few months her work has been piling up and on, and her 40 hour a week job has easily been closer to 60 as of late. The problem is, they really do not compensate her for it...not even 'comp' time. I know the state of the economy we're in, and with some of our bills, we can't afford (for very long) to have one of us lose our job right now. She just got her merit raise and it was a whole 3%. I suppose 3% is better than nothing (my company didn't give any raises so far this year), but 3% of nothing really doesn't equate to much anyhow. It clearly doesn't even come close to the amount of hours she's been working, and for that I do feel bad for her. On the flip side.....the more she works though, I figure the less likely she's apt to get in trouble and also stays away from what I consider some bad outside influences.
Anyway, she got up early on Saturday morning to go to work and since I've been having trouble sleeping anyways, I decided to get up as well. It was early enough where I figured I could do some chores before I went to my mens bible study at 8:30am. At about 7:15 I decided to take a few minutes break and play a video game for a few minutes.
That's the danger of addictive games....my planned 30 minute break started to creep up on 45 minutes and I kept telling myself "5 more minutes" and I gotta go. Well, I must have said that to myself at least 3 times because the next time I looked at the clock it was now 8:25 and I wasn't even dressed. Thankfully, my church os only 2 minutes away, so I figure they never start on time anyway, so if I'm 5 minutes late, I really haven't missed anything.
Well, wouldn't you know...I stretched my 5 extra minutes into an additional 10. When I finally turned off my computer and got dressed it was now 8:45. I told myself I should start a load of laundry (it should be done by the time I get back)....after I take my medication. I loaded the machine with my work clothes, took my meds and then looked at the clock. 9:00am. Great. Now I'm 30 minutes late.
I look at my dog and realize he hadn't been walked in two days due to the heat and I felt a bit guilty. I made the decision to walk my dog and forego bible study. By the time I got there at this rate it'd be 1/2 over anyway.
Ugh. Inside I felt ashamed. I had all intentions of going the previous few days and thought I was looking forward to attending. But deep down inside, I must have made some internal excuses as to how to avoid it....and then justify it within my mind. My last self-justification was that my body was still recovering from my latest Uticaria outbreak, with my hives about 90% under control. Why chance the heat if I can maintain being cool at home?
I was productive however. I vacuumed the house and mopped the kitchen. I unloaded the dishwasher. I watered the plants and trimmed some bushes out front. I walked the dog. I cleaned the toilets and did two loads of laundry and tidied up a little bit around the house.
I did such a fine job I decied to take a break...again...playing a video game.
The phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as my mother. I didn't answer. I had already spoke to her on Friday on two seperate occassions that she initiated to talk about my skin condition and I couldn't think for the life of me what more could be said or added that hadn't been discussed 100 times before.
That was sort of a mistake not to take the call and just resign myself to the fact that my mother is on one of her 'missions' and will not give up until she feels she completed her self appointed duty. In this case, getting a hold of me.
Now let me preface the next set of paragraphs with a little background on my mother and me and our dynamic. I am an only child...meaning I have no brothers or sisters to share either the ire or love of my parents. My mother is 100% Italian and has an alpha personality. I do indeed love my mother very, very much. I cannot stress how much I do love her, but, she does have the uncanny ability to drive me crazy, run things into the ground, never let go of ancient history, and generally get involved in things when not asked to because she wants and feel the need to help.
In the past I have asked my mother very politely to back off of certain things, especially when it comes to my marriage and personal life. Sometimes I find myself repeatedly asking her to back off. Sometimes my politeness has a limit...and after we go round and round on a topic for the tenth time, I begin to lose my patience and my politeness.
You also have to understand my mother really has the the best of intentions. I know deep down she means no harm and just wants to help, but she can be the 'nosy neighbor' or the person who just finds themselves in the middle of everything no matter how hard you try and avoid it. To put it simply, my mother has control issues, and I often wonder how much of a contributing factor she is/was in my depression. I say that because as much as I love my mother, I cringe when the phone rings anymore. It's always 'something'. It's usually a laundry list of whats wrong with everybody else, or some wacky advice with no real basis in fact. And probably the biggest issue I have with my mother to date: it takes her forever to get to the point on anything due to the round-about way she discussed things.
You're probably thinking about the same thing right now in regards to me. Well, maybe that is true on occassion. But I really think this is the biggest diffrence between the two of us: I am very detailed orientated and can take you from point A to point Z in a very methodical, effiecient, and planned out manner. My mother can also take you to point Z if you don't mind traveling back to previous points multiple times.
Me: A-B-C-D-E-F......X-Y-Z.
My mother: A-A-B-C-A-D-E-A-B....
You get the point. It's maddening, frustrating, repetitive, eye-rolling, and pateince testing. There are times I catch myself saying "Yeah, yeah..Got it..Okay..Move on....Your point is?" And for some reason, no matter how much I pray to God to grant me patience....it is something I really don't have yet.
So when I don't pick up our house phone...then my cell phone rings just afterwards. Typical M.O. This will continue every half hour until I call back or pick up. The longer I wait, the more intense the conversation will become and then I have to answer additional questions like "Where were you? Why didn't you pick up? I've been trying to call all day."
Yeah, I know.....that's why I don't pick up....I have nothing to say at times and I don't want to get sucked into a 20 minute conversation about who knows what. I relish in peace and quiet at times and enjoy my days off in solitude. 90% of the time the conversations she initiates have no real depth to them or point. I figure its just her way at 64 years of age to keep tabs on me or to interject herself yet again, for her own self-validation. Oh man, I know that sounds so harsh and mean spirited and I cringe internally when I even think it, but that's how I feel.
Needless to say, I avoid the calls as long as I can and decide to suck it up, sit down, and return the call at 3pm.
To be continued.....
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