Warning: this entry contains adult language.
So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.
It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.
She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.
Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.
"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.
"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."
"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."
"I'm still a little upset from earlier."
"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"
"Don't I?"
"No."
"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"
"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."
"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."
"Oh, you're so literal...."
"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."
"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."
"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)
"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."
"Really? I beg to differ."
"Really. I still have it."
"Read it then...right now...."
"You know....."
"Read it." I interuppted.
She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.
At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.
"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."
"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."
"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"
I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."
"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."
"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"
"I don't understand."
"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"
"No we need to get this out and over with..."
At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."
"No....I'm done now."
"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.
"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.
"You're an asshole."
"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.
"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.
But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.
"So you're not saying anything?"
"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."
My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.
She didn't leave that night...
To be continued....
September 02, 2008
August 29, 2008
The vicious cycle never ends.
3 weeks ago my wife came home and boldly claimed "That's it...Screw my job....They don't pay me for all this overtime I put in so I'm not doing it anymore and I'm gonna start coming home at 6pm and we'll walk the dog together."
I sat there for a minute not knowing how to react. It sounded good, but my wife always seems to make certain proclomations from time to time, yet they never seem to be executed.
As usual, I always delude myself into possibly believeing that she actually means it this time, only to be let down in either a few days or a few weeks. Why should this time be any different?
Because I'm a sucker and always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Like I said.....I'm an idiot and a sucker.
The first few days it seemed okay. She was home by 6pm, give or take a few minutes, and we indeed walked the dog.
That was the first three days.
By day four she came home at 7pm and then said it was too hot for her to walk the dog, but I did anyway. The next day although she did come home a bit earlier, again it was apparantly to hot for us to walk the dog, but I went ahead and walked him anyway....by myself...again.
The following week disentigrated even further. We didn't walk the dog at all together, and her time coming home was again closer to 7pm. There was even one night she went to talk to the neighbor who is going through a rough patch with her husband and was over there for an additional hour.
Well, this week her schedule was as such: Monday night - bowling (double length), Tuesday night- later evening at work to catch up, Wed. night - visit the neighbor again, Thursday - a co-worker had a personal crisis (home at 8:15), Tomorrow is girls night out, and I just received an e-mail she is going to be at a co-workers birthday tonight and be home between 9-10 (my guess it'll be later...because every time my wife puts a time stamp on herself, I've learned its 'never' the time she first indicates) she said she told me 2 weeks ago. I don't remember her telling me, but I can't be sure.
So this week, we're back to sqaure one (it lasted all but 1 week) and I called her out on it: "What happened to this speech you gave me 3 weeks ago about 6pm and walking the dog, etc?" I thought I was being nice and said I'm a little confused between what was said and what is happening, and was honest in saying I feel I'm playing second fiddle to her friends, and I'm a little envious of her time she can devote to them, but not me.
Why do I set myself up for these things? You'd think I'd learn by now with almost 5 years under my belt. Keep my mouth shut.
No, instead I received a pretty snide and aggressive email stating "I didn't know we set an exact time on walking the dog." -And- "You're always playing Xbox or watching TV anyway way I come home." -And the kicker- "You're not the same fun person I married 5 years ago. You're a hermit and I don't want to be. I want to talk with friends instead of playing video games."
Arrgghhhh....See the circle here? Now it's my fault. If I understand this correctly, she hangs out with her friends and comes home late because I play video games too much or watching TV. Not because her statement of coming home at 6pm really means any random time between 6:30 and 9pm and I'm supposed to guess what time it is today, so instead....because I'm waiting around for someone who comes and goes at their own scheduling, I turn on a video game. I'll have you know, I've only turned on my X-Box once this whole week, and my Wii twice (I was actually exercising on my Wii Fit and not playing a came at all).
"I come home and your stuck in front of C.o.H or the TV."
Really? Funny, since I haven't played C.o.H. in over 8 months, and I'm watching TV after I walk the dog by myself to relax because YOU'RE NOT HOME YET. Should I be paininting the house? Twiddling my thumbs aimlessly? Pulling non-existant weeds? Something else to fill my alone time when YOU'RE NOT HERE!?! Please tell me, what should I be doing as to placate you since I have NO CLUE when you are coming home that is safe for me to avoid your wrath? Take up smoking? Drink more?
"You're turning into a hermit."
Why? Because I don't want to be a part of the neighborhood gossip clutch? Because I don't feel the need to have a drink everytime they get together and talk about the same mundane thing for the thousandth time in a row? Because I can predict exactly who will say what and when, and the topics are limited to the same 3 inane subjects?
This all sounds so bad after what my neighbors are currently going through, but I swear, its moments like this one right now I can understand why it looks easy to walk away from it all.
Don't be surprised if I don't have drink tonight.
I sat there for a minute not knowing how to react. It sounded good, but my wife always seems to make certain proclomations from time to time, yet they never seem to be executed.
As usual, I always delude myself into possibly believeing that she actually means it this time, only to be let down in either a few days or a few weeks. Why should this time be any different?
Because I'm a sucker and always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Like I said.....I'm an idiot and a sucker.
The first few days it seemed okay. She was home by 6pm, give or take a few minutes, and we indeed walked the dog.
That was the first three days.
By day four she came home at 7pm and then said it was too hot for her to walk the dog, but I did anyway. The next day although she did come home a bit earlier, again it was apparantly to hot for us to walk the dog, but I went ahead and walked him anyway....by myself...again.
The following week disentigrated even further. We didn't walk the dog at all together, and her time coming home was again closer to 7pm. There was even one night she went to talk to the neighbor who is going through a rough patch with her husband and was over there for an additional hour.
Well, this week her schedule was as such: Monday night - bowling (double length), Tuesday night- later evening at work to catch up, Wed. night - visit the neighbor again, Thursday - a co-worker had a personal crisis (home at 8:15), Tomorrow is girls night out, and I just received an e-mail she is going to be at a co-workers birthday tonight and be home between 9-10 (my guess it'll be later...because every time my wife puts a time stamp on herself, I've learned its 'never' the time she first indicates) she said she told me 2 weeks ago. I don't remember her telling me, but I can't be sure.
So this week, we're back to sqaure one (it lasted all but 1 week) and I called her out on it: "What happened to this speech you gave me 3 weeks ago about 6pm and walking the dog, etc?" I thought I was being nice and said I'm a little confused between what was said and what is happening, and was honest in saying I feel I'm playing second fiddle to her friends, and I'm a little envious of her time she can devote to them, but not me.
Why do I set myself up for these things? You'd think I'd learn by now with almost 5 years under my belt. Keep my mouth shut.
No, instead I received a pretty snide and aggressive email stating "I didn't know we set an exact time on walking the dog." -And- "You're always playing Xbox or watching TV anyway way I come home." -And the kicker- "You're not the same fun person I married 5 years ago. You're a hermit and I don't want to be. I want to talk with friends instead of playing video games."
Arrgghhhh....See the circle here? Now it's my fault. If I understand this correctly, she hangs out with her friends and comes home late because I play video games too much or watching TV. Not because her statement of coming home at 6pm really means any random time between 6:30 and 9pm and I'm supposed to guess what time it is today, so instead....because I'm waiting around for someone who comes and goes at their own scheduling, I turn on a video game. I'll have you know, I've only turned on my X-Box once this whole week, and my Wii twice (I was actually exercising on my Wii Fit and not playing a came at all).
"I come home and your stuck in front of C.o.H or the TV."
Really? Funny, since I haven't played C.o.H. in over 8 months, and I'm watching TV after I walk the dog by myself to relax because YOU'RE NOT HOME YET. Should I be paininting the house? Twiddling my thumbs aimlessly? Pulling non-existant weeds? Something else to fill my alone time when YOU'RE NOT HERE!?! Please tell me, what should I be doing as to placate you since I have NO CLUE when you are coming home that is safe for me to avoid your wrath? Take up smoking? Drink more?
"You're turning into a hermit."
Why? Because I don't want to be a part of the neighborhood gossip clutch? Because I don't feel the need to have a drink everytime they get together and talk about the same mundane thing for the thousandth time in a row? Because I can predict exactly who will say what and when, and the topics are limited to the same 3 inane subjects?
This all sounds so bad after what my neighbors are currently going through, but I swear, its moments like this one right now I can understand why it looks easy to walk away from it all.
Don't be surprised if I don't have drink tonight.
August 25, 2008
Guilt or no guilt?
Yesterday, Sunday, I had all intentions of going to church. I got up early, had coffee, cleaned up, looked at the clock...and looked again....and waited...and looked again every few minutes.
Church begins at 9:30 and I never feel too bad for missing the first song. To be honest, I just can't ever seem to get into the 'worship' portion of our service which generally includes 4 songs. I feel bad for saying this, but I find them so lyrically repetitive and, um, 'corny' at times. It doesn't help that our band only seems to have a repetoire of what seems like 12 songs total, so in any given month, you may hear the same ones a few times. I generally just like the actual message or sermon to be quite frank.
By 9:45 I was of course late, and just seemed to look for an excuse not to go at this point, and I can't tell you why. So when my wife asked me to goes to Lowe's right then, I said 'Okay', and blew off church.
By 11am (which is the time our service normally ends), I was experiencing on-again, off-again feelings of guilt for not going. Part of me felt ashamed one minute for not spending an hour and a half with God, and then the next minute I was feeling okay. The best line I can think of (and it sounds like a lame excuse, I know...) is that I was burnt out yesterday. Sure, it's a selfish reason and doesn't make much sense to anyone other than the justification within my own head, but I guess I just didn't feel like going afterall. And I don't know why.
But here we are on Monday, and I still feel little stabs of guilt. Perhaps I am trying to hide from some sort of self-conviction. Maybe. With the whole neighbor sitation going on right now and some other stuff, I admit my thought process has been a little bleak and jaded.
In a strange moment of past reflection, it's almost as if I wish I were alone again. No contact from anyone...not because I feel depressed right now....it's liek I just need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. It was even a mental struggle this morning wanting to go to work. I'm actually fantasizing about just sitting home and reading a book in the backyard, playing hooky, and drinking some fresh ice-tea and breathing in the last of the warm summer air.
Do you guys ever feel that way? Not just about being burnt out from church, but maybe something bigger overall....like isolating yourself from the chaos and commotion of a busy lifestyle?
Church begins at 9:30 and I never feel too bad for missing the first song. To be honest, I just can't ever seem to get into the 'worship' portion of our service which generally includes 4 songs. I feel bad for saying this, but I find them so lyrically repetitive and, um, 'corny' at times. It doesn't help that our band only seems to have a repetoire of what seems like 12 songs total, so in any given month, you may hear the same ones a few times. I generally just like the actual message or sermon to be quite frank.
By 9:45 I was of course late, and just seemed to look for an excuse not to go at this point, and I can't tell you why. So when my wife asked me to goes to Lowe's right then, I said 'Okay', and blew off church.
By 11am (which is the time our service normally ends), I was experiencing on-again, off-again feelings of guilt for not going. Part of me felt ashamed one minute for not spending an hour and a half with God, and then the next minute I was feeling okay. The best line I can think of (and it sounds like a lame excuse, I know...) is that I was burnt out yesterday. Sure, it's a selfish reason and doesn't make much sense to anyone other than the justification within my own head, but I guess I just didn't feel like going afterall. And I don't know why.
But here we are on Monday, and I still feel little stabs of guilt. Perhaps I am trying to hide from some sort of self-conviction. Maybe. With the whole neighbor sitation going on right now and some other stuff, I admit my thought process has been a little bleak and jaded.
In a strange moment of past reflection, it's almost as if I wish I were alone again. No contact from anyone...not because I feel depressed right now....it's liek I just need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. It was even a mental struggle this morning wanting to go to work. I'm actually fantasizing about just sitting home and reading a book in the backyard, playing hooky, and drinking some fresh ice-tea and breathing in the last of the warm summer air.
Do you guys ever feel that way? Not just about being burnt out from church, but maybe something bigger overall....like isolating yourself from the chaos and commotion of a busy lifestyle?
August 21, 2008
Keeping up with the Jonses'
"Tell those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which will soon be gone. But their trust should be in the living God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6: 17-18)
In somewhat of an interlude to the recent Marriage Woes entries, this topic sprung into my mind based upon a cliche that I've heard quite a few times from the neighbors over the last few days in reference to perhaps one of the causes to the husband's recent behavior.
While I think people are using this cliche a little too liberally here, I can't say it doesn't hold some merit. Just not the amount of merit everyone else is putting stock into right now.
The young couple in crisis right now (actually only 6 years younger than my wife and I) perhaps weren't prepared for what they took on a few years ago when they moved into the neighborhood. It was a time when the mortgage industry was sewing the seeds that would ultimately turn into the housing industry debacle we all have been experiencing this last year. Home prices shot up dramatically making it very hard for first time owners to be a responsible party in the owner/bank equation. Lenders circumvented this by offering insane deals that didn't make sense to anyone (including me) and thus the introductions of these ARM statements.
Fast forward a few years where the economy turns stagnant, ARMs re-adjust, gas prices shoot up, and the dollar falls. They say that foreclosures are at an all time high, and people are really holding on to their jobs. In the area in which we live, staying unemployed for too long spells trouble.
I think financial woes may have gotten to my neighbor. They may have bitten more off than they could chew, and it didn't help that he lost his job and had to eventually take something he didn't care for as much that paid less. That's how I felt when I lost my job. The $900 from the gov't every two weeks doesn't come close to the salary I was making, but fortunately I was always pretty good with money and saved up for a rainy day (my wife never understood why I was miserly at times early on...and during my loss of employment, I think she changed her tune when she saw I had much saved up). But I did have my doubts and concerns and worries just like everyone else. I may have been a little too pessimistic though...I was always talking about the rainy day, obsessed it would be coming one day, thus I never learned how to relax and enjoy a lot of simple things in life.
My neighbor, however, (at least in some of our casual conversations in the past) would tell me about all the great things his friends had, all the toys his brother had, the track homes in upscale areas his buddies now owned....and he always seemed to compare them to himself. He is college educated, married, just turned 31 years of age.....and has quite a few setbacks the last few years. On the surface I think he thinks that how did all his friends move ahead and 'appear' to be happier and he and his wife continue to struggle to make ends meet. He liked the idea and the appearance he was on par with everyone else. It just wasn't the case, and I really suspect his friends are all about appearances too (secretly in debt, living beyond their means....any day the floor just about to drop from under them).
I know the feeling. My wife and I argue about finances. That's been our main bone of contention in our own marriage. We've had some doozies on how to spend or not to spend money and what our responsibilities are to ourselves and each other in that realm.. I constantly think about retirement and social security, and the way we save and spend money, and I don't think I can retire anytime soon.
I finally admit to myself, I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be in this phase of my life. When I was 22-23 and just about to graduate college (1993) I thought "Who wouldn't want to hire me?". I mean I was a Business Management graduate with a double minor in computer information systems and marketing. I was also pretty much an A/B student. I'm sharp and a quick learner. I thought it was only a matter of months, maybe weeks, before I had a nice job that afforded me an office and a leather brief case (I probably watched too much Dallas back in the day and I wanted to emulate the lifestyle of JR Ewing).
In my head I envisioned that in about 5 years I would be driving a Mercedes Benz, I would have a nice house, and most likely engaged. In 10 years I would be well onto raising my 2 kids, and my wife would be a stay at home mom and once a year we'd go on a fabulous vacation.
In reality I got married after 10 years and started our life together in a condo, and now an attached house. I have a step-daughter who doesn't treat me as a father figure at all, someone who still just dates her mom, a wife who can't comprehend simple financial matters nor can seem to get pregnant any longer or even wants children at this point. We have yet to take a honeymoon in 5 years, and it seems to be a major decision right now if we can afford to buy all new shutters or blinds, or do we get a new front door or stove? I never got my Mercedes either...I drove my last car for 11 years and it leaked all the time, but I couldn't buy a new car when I was unemployed.
So yeah, things didn't work out the way I planned. At one point it really depressed me, and occasionally when others tell me how great their trip to Italy was, or how they just bought a Jet Ski and will be going to the lake this weekend, or how they just had the whole kitchen remodeled in granite and stainless steel, I admit a tinge of jealousy. But it could be worse.
I think that's what my neighbor is going through as well. I remember once he saw my 42" plasma TV a few years back.....he had to have one too. When his brother got a Lexus, he had to get an Infinity himself. When they saw other neighbors affording gardeners, they got one too. And perhaps the lifestyle caught up with them. Keeping up with the Jones' and the unsaid competition with family and friends led to some unsavory financial burdens and stress. I don't think they have attained where they would like to be in life (I sure didn't), and thus haven't found happiness or contentment.....juss mounting bills and headaches.
Fortunately I never got that far, but I do know the feeling and desires. Today, I don't make the money I made 3 years ago, but I am starting to learn how to appreciate what I have much more. I don't shop at Nordstroms or Saks any longer. I get nice $10 t-shirts and $30 tennis shoes at Kohl's. I don't put premium gas in my car any longer. I still have a VCR and not a Blu-Ray player. I buy my video games months after they come out, because that's when the price tends to drop. We cook more at home and have leftovers we take to work instead of $15-20 a plate dinners. I get my hair cut at Supercuts now. We still haven't take a vacation in a far away country, but this year I do plan on perhaps driving somewhere for a week.
I have learned the hard way about certain sacrifices, and yeah I may be disappointed on occasion, but I do spend more time with friends now, my dog, and learn to make do with what I have. I come to realize that I'll never have the lifestyle of the Ewings, but I do know with God in my heart, I have other riches that await me in the next life that I'll never experience here. I may not exactly like everything in my life right now, but I have come to the realization that God provides everything I need right now.....something the Jones' don't.
August 20, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part III)
It's Sunday and it just so happens that another couple on our street was planning to celebrate their own 17th wedding anniversary that evening but it was a very odd feeling and topic to discuss openly knowing that our other neighbors are going through crisis.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
I went to church by myself, as I always do (I think I've stated before that my wife is also a believer...but unfortunately more of a cultural christian in her walk right now...something I continue to pray about), and felt very convicted to finally say something to my neighbor.
There are two reasons I want to talk to her: 1) I've kept my mouth shut up to this point as I digest and gather more information as to not jump to a conclusion, and yet I am very concerned (as I told A Wandering Mind) with the amount of 'secular' advice I've been hearing. I cringe internally when everything I have heard so far is not about bridging a gap and healing, but more what is 'his' problem, 'how could he do this', 'what are you going to do with the house'. Very premature statements I think and not the way I would initiate dialogue with either of them. 2) Since he has moved out, he has had no contact with any of us. My wife did get a text message from him, but it was short and did not reveal where he was at or if he is willing to talk.
If and when the time comes and I do see him, I will speak with him....but not about marriage or God right off the bat. I do want to talk to him about depression, and let him know that even if I don't know the exact situation or circumstances which led him to these recent behaviors and depression that I can identify in my own way. I'd like to point out the numerous parallels to him in a civilized and loving way that I went through many (and still do on occasion) some of the same exact emotional struggles...not only if marriage, but friends, family, co-workers, peers, etc.
Anyway I sat in church and listened to a very stirring testimonial that day. My mind however, was not 100% on the pulpit, but divided on if it was my place or not to get involved. I ran through various variations of a speech I may or may not give to her. I can't explain why, but by the time I left the feeling was very heavy on my heart and on my way home I prayed that God give me wisdom.
When I arrived home, instead of going inside to my own house, I knocked on my neighbors door.
She answered and I could tell she had been crying and didn't get much sleep. I asked if we could talk a few minutes, and I made it very clear to her I was coming on my own accord. None of neighbors know, nor does my wife that I am over here right now. I wanted to let her know that while I have been quiet the last few days and giver her space seeing that everyone else has had their input that maybe I am coming over with a different approach.
We sat on opposite couches in her living room, and I came clean to her like I've never done to anyone else other than you who read my blog. Not even my best friends know that I was on various drugs, seeing a shrink, or had suicidal thoughts at one time. My neighbor now probably knows more about me in that area than maybe even my wife does (go figure) and I wanted to share that with her so she might possibly grasp what depression is like from a man's perspective. I meant for my conversation to only be about 10-15 minutes, but when I was done taking her through my journey (abbreviated as it was) I was closer to 45 minutes.
I did bring up God and Christ briefly, but not as a tool of judgement. The only spiritual advice I gave that day was for her to ask/pray to God that He allows her a good night sleep. That He calms her spirit over the next day or so as to not do anything rash. That she pray that her husbands spirit is also calmed, that he also have a restful day, and find a moment of peace in these turbulent hours. That she pray for when they do finally get together to talk that both of them have the wisdom to speak calmly and intelligently and truthfully...not to clobber him over the head and point fingers....that would drive any man just back out the door.
I also offered her that she could feel free to tell her husband that if he wishes to speak to someone with similar feelings and history, that's what I'm here for. I'm not going to shove God down his throat at all. I don't think that's what God is asking me to do right now. At the very least, perhaps my own experiences can be shared with him so he knows he's not alone in these feelings.
She thanked me and we hugged. As I finally walked back out her door I prayed that they both find some peace these next few days, that again, their spirit be calmed and the anger quelled. Maybe they need a few days a part as emotions are way to high right now to make sense.
I feel for both of them. I like them both and I'm very sensitive to both their sides, perhaps his more so even though I haven't had a chance to speak with him yet. It's only because I've seen her a few times over the last 72 hours and my wife has spoken to her in person and over the phone multiple times, not to mention all the otter neighbors speaking on the matter. I am purposely remaining silent and avoiding the coffee clutches right now as that only contributes to gossip....and while gossip is wrong...it's even worse when no one knows where the husband is coming from as no one has heard from him as of yet.
August 19, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part II)
Saturday more or less had an unusual cloud of silenced concern over our neighborhood. By now, many of the neighbors (not all) had known what was currently transpiring and there were many hushed talks going on.
I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.
As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.
My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.
The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.
Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.
To be continued....
I admit to be curious myself, but tried to make a point of giving my neighbor her space and not get involved...yet. I remember when crap was going down for me, there were those that had spoken to me, but I wasn't exactly sure if it was genuine concern or just fact finding for gossip. I soon learned to hate most of the cliches as did I not enjoy repeating the stories over and over again. Maybe some people feel the need to talk in order to 'vent' and get things of their chest. Me? I need to find a quiet place and not be reminded by everyone that things that happen are in "God's plan" or dredge up recent history that just feeds into my own self-loathing, anger, hate, confusion, bitterness, etc.
As the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" suggests, we men like to work things out in our head first. We need time to retreat to our caves and think things out...to process...before we are ready to speak.
My neighbor slept and kept to herself most of the day. At least that's what she said eventually later that day when she emerged from her home. I can assume what really happened is that she let her mind take over and replay any conversation she and her husband had the last few days over and over and over again, picking out every single word for its real meaning. I'm sure the night was filled with restless sleep and many, many tears. If she was anything like me, her guts would be twisting, her heart fluttering, she'd be awake but in a daze.
The other women on the street, including my own wife, spoke with her numerous times trying to lend their support and I commend them for that. However, one concern that kept popping into my mind was the fact that she was only hearing from other women and not from a guys point of view. That may sound a bit sexist, but I've lived with these people for 4 years and I can kinda surmise the stance and points they are taking. There's no bad intentions from any of them, that I'm sure of, but the other thing that concerned me was that the advice/support given probably had no spiritual attunement to back it up.
Now by no means do I consider myself a theologian, or even remotely qualified to give advice from a pulpit, but I can say my heart has been weighing very heavy that my neighbor needed to hear something else that hadn't been repeated already a hundred times. I can't tell you why, or even 100% positive my own judgement was on track or not, but I had a feeling in my heart that maybe I need to talk to her aside from anyone else and share with her what I went through in terms of depression, medicines, my feelings and thought process as a guy, and offer the little spiritual insight that I could about marriage and prayer.
To be continued....
August 18, 2008
Marriage Woes (Part I)
I'm not trying to be glib at all, but for the first time in a long time I can say this entry isn't about the state of my marriage, but that of my neighbors.
Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.
When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.
Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.
It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.
Just like me almost two years ago.
Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.
Just like me.
Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.
Just like me.
His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...
Just like me.
As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.
I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?
Perhaps.
I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.
I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.
I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.
Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.
My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.
Friday evening our next door neighbor (the young woman) contacted my wife as they are pretty decent friends. She was in hysterics and clearly wanted my wife's company as I can imagine it was most likely a topic so sensitive in nature that perhaps only another woman could provide support and comfort. I ended up going out with a couple of friends of mine to dinner locally as we had planned this out earlier for some good old fashioned male bonding over buffalo wings and beer.
When I arrived back home later that evening (no more than two hours later) my friends and I noticed that a few of the neighbors were unusually quiet and very somber. I glanced over at my neighbor and had noticed she had been crying quite considerably. It was an awkward moment only because I knew something was wrong, yet had no clue what had transpired.
Long story short, my neighbors husband, of just about four years came home Friday night after work and declared he was moving out. No one saw this coming, especially his wife.
It was revealed that she had thought her husband was depressed for the last few weeks, although like me, he kept many of his feeling bottled up inside and numerous pressures were building up until he cracked.
Just like me almost two years ago.
Actually, although the husband is six years younger than me we actually have very similar stories: He too is college educated, yet continues to struggle to find a worth while place of employment that will actually pay him a decent salary. He lost his job two years ago around the same time I lost mine. Where my wife and I are coming up on our 5th anniversary, they are just shy of their 4th. They were also trying to have children, unsuccessfully as we were. The bills never seem to go away, and for every step he took forward, something out of the blue put him back two steps. He took it upon himself as a proud male to try and fix things that were no longer in his control, and he failed.
Just like me.
Some of the neighbors chimed in that he had been acting differently....more closed off...more distracted...more off kilter the last couple of weeks.
Just like me.
His wife suggested that they seek marriage counseling together, or that he seek psychological help and he refused, stating he didn't believe in those methods...
Just like me.
As I sat there in shock of the news just as everyone else was and trying to grasp and digest it, my mind and heart transported back to two years ago when my world felt like it was crumbling and falling apart. Even though their situation is unique from my own, there are so many parallels its scary. While I am sure his wife is just devastated as he has made it known he wants out (of the marriage, that is), I also feel I can identify with him on a level that no one else present can...because that was me and I was there. Granted, I didn't leave my wife, but I have mentioned before I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away. I wanted a do-over of the last 7-8 years.
I'm not exactly sure why I never did leave all those times I was so tempted to. Was it because deep down inside I realized I really had nowhere to go? Did I think it would hurt my wife much more that it hurt me (although I admit, I wanted her to taste my pain for once)? Was it because I was brought up differently under the tutelage of my parents on what was right, what was wrong, and what was my responsibilities in life whether I liked them or not?
Perhaps.
I do think that God played an important roll in my actions and decisions during that volatile time. God was indeed working on me...opening my eyes....helping me see things and soften my heart that I had spent the last few years growing angry and bitter. I didn't understand or comprehend it all just then. I'm not even sure I do now quite honestly. I still have my moments. I still have a long way to go. Nothing is perfect. My life, my marriage, my ultimate happiness and state of depression are always in flux....but I can say it is better today than it was. And my personal spiritual journey in re-discovering Christ plays an active roll in all that today.
I think that's the biggest difference between my situation and his. God is in my life, and in previous conversations I have had with my neighbors, God really isn't a part of theirs. That's not to say they don't believe in God or Christ, but that He does not have an active role in their lives or marriage. Life, and material things, and fun come first. God last.
I'm not sure if that's a fair assessment on my part. I can't judge that. I can't judge the state of their hearts and mind. I only comment on what they choose to reveal to me and my own observations.
Well, I'll continue my thought process in the next entry on this. This was more or less an introduction, and I am sharing this with you because if you change the names, this is my life all over again being played out in front of my own eyes....but it went to the next level when he walked out.
My heart pains for them both...for their marriage....and his mental state.
August 14, 2008
Personal Reflection
It has been quite some time since I last made an entry, and I'm not exactly positive I know why.
It seems that last few weeks my existance has been comfortably residing within a set of parenthesis. I've had an odd feeling of peace, and I'm not even sure that the word 'peace' is even actually appropriate a description.
Everything has been very routine and comfortable for the most part. I can't say that I am extremely happy, nor am I sad. It's as if many of my emotions have just been minimized and while I am aware of the things going on around me, I don't have much inout or devoted much energy into contemplating them. Writing this own entry as it flows from my brain to my hands is probably the most I thought on any subject at any level that's just deeper than its surface.
I did one argument with my wife about a week ago, and I really tried to avoid it on multiple levels. I truly feel looking back that she really wanted to raise my 'ire' but I'm not sure why. I even exclaimed more than once that I wished to stop this now lest in go into territory that we'd both be sorry about. I asked her at least three times to stop, but she really knows how to press my buttons. If anything hurt me at all, it wasn't about the subject matter of the fight (money of course), in that respect I really wasn't mad....what made me angry was her deliberate twisting of my words and making these apple and orange type comparisons that made no sense at all, other than to just keep the argument going....for argument sake only.
But even after it was over, I got over it very quickly. It had to be one of the dumbest arguments we have ever had and I don't think I am saying that because I am a man. On the contrary I usually get much more worked up and much more emotional than my wife ever does. I swear, it was like she was on a mission to get under my skin that day and I don't know why. In the end, it may have backfired on her, because she stormed off and stewed for quiet some time afterwards and I was right back at being at peace minutes later and it didn't bother me.....WHich I think bothered her in the irony of it all.
In other matters, my mom and I have been getting along just fine. I did skip church last week and had a tinge of guilt, but not too much (which actually botehr me now....that I didn't have too much guilt). I'm a bit burnt out on things in general....work, chores, church, family, news, etc.
It's odd really. I do feel somewhat detached from everything close and dear to me other than my dog. I've been watching the news lately, and its just as sick and deprived as it always is. Horrible things are going on abroad and right here as well and yet I have no feeling for it.
The best anaology I can think of right now is my body is producing its own Lexapro like anti-depressant. My mood and feelings are pretty stable and nuetral which normally aren't the case.
I can't help but wonder if Jesus is preparing me for something, or working with me in a way I haven't yet been able to figure out. In a strange way, I've been pretty comfortable both mentally and emotionally the last few weeks and I'm not sure I want any change any time soon.
It seems that last few weeks my existance has been comfortably residing within a set of parenthesis. I've had an odd feeling of peace, and I'm not even sure that the word 'peace' is even actually appropriate a description.
Everything has been very routine and comfortable for the most part. I can't say that I am extremely happy, nor am I sad. It's as if many of my emotions have just been minimized and while I am aware of the things going on around me, I don't have much inout or devoted much energy into contemplating them. Writing this own entry as it flows from my brain to my hands is probably the most I thought on any subject at any level that's just deeper than its surface.
I did one argument with my wife about a week ago, and I really tried to avoid it on multiple levels. I truly feel looking back that she really wanted to raise my 'ire' but I'm not sure why. I even exclaimed more than once that I wished to stop this now lest in go into territory that we'd both be sorry about. I asked her at least three times to stop, but she really knows how to press my buttons. If anything hurt me at all, it wasn't about the subject matter of the fight (money of course), in that respect I really wasn't mad....what made me angry was her deliberate twisting of my words and making these apple and orange type comparisons that made no sense at all, other than to just keep the argument going....for argument sake only.
But even after it was over, I got over it very quickly. It had to be one of the dumbest arguments we have ever had and I don't think I am saying that because I am a man. On the contrary I usually get much more worked up and much more emotional than my wife ever does. I swear, it was like she was on a mission to get under my skin that day and I don't know why. In the end, it may have backfired on her, because she stormed off and stewed for quiet some time afterwards and I was right back at being at peace minutes later and it didn't bother me.....WHich I think bothered her in the irony of it all.
In other matters, my mom and I have been getting along just fine. I did skip church last week and had a tinge of guilt, but not too much (which actually botehr me now....that I didn't have too much guilt). I'm a bit burnt out on things in general....work, chores, church, family, news, etc.
It's odd really. I do feel somewhat detached from everything close and dear to me other than my dog. I've been watching the news lately, and its just as sick and deprived as it always is. Horrible things are going on abroad and right here as well and yet I have no feeling for it.
The best anaology I can think of right now is my body is producing its own Lexapro like anti-depressant. My mood and feelings are pretty stable and nuetral which normally aren't the case.
I can't help but wonder if Jesus is preparing me for something, or working with me in a way I haven't yet been able to figure out. In a strange way, I've been pretty comfortable both mentally and emotionally the last few weeks and I'm not sure I want any change any time soon.
July 28, 2008
A friend looses a pet
I have a childhood friend who just informed me via e-mail that his cat of just over 15 years passed away on Friday.
Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.
I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.
I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.
My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:
"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.
She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."
After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.
Personally, I've never been fond of cats overall. I had been indifferent to them for many years and I never understood the way some owners would fawn over their cats. That is until I became a pet owner myself with my little dog.
I know I mentioned my dog a few times in this blog, and I am unwavering in the fcat that I believe my own experience with my dog was God's way of softening my heart and allwoing me to take a new perspective on a variety of things....especially relationships, compassion, and patience. At my lowest points where I was curled up in a fetal position feeling sorry for myself and angry at the world in general, when my wife was away at work, and phone calls from family and friends became annoying, it was my dog who would curl up next to me and look me in the eyes when I was full of tears and just keep me company.
I think back to the old testament with Adam, and God knew that man was not designed to be alone, so He created Eve for companionship. Though I am not equating the bond of a pet to be exactly like that of another human being, I do agree that there is a bond between humans and there pets, especially when it comes to dogs and cats. I can't think of a day right now in which I do not thank Jesus and the Father for granting me my dog....even if it is a short time on earth. The bible states that there will be animals in heaven, though it's not clear that our own pets will be there due to a possible lack of a 'soul'. But everytime I think of my little boy, I can't help but beleive he does indeed have a soul and so despretely want to believe that dogs and cats go to heaven as well.
My friends cat was a beautiful russian blue. It's fur was a very soft and velvety charcoal color. This is what my friend wrote me in email:
"She would get "sick" become very lethargic to the point of not moving or even going potty for a couple days at a time. Then she'd be good as new. She started being like that Thursday afternoon, and I had a feeling then that the end was near. She even went to a different spot than normal. She found the Guitar Hero III box between the couch and end table and laid down there.
She was in the same place Friday morning and still there Friday evening when I got home from work. She beagan meowing when she saw me so I went over and pet her for a few minutes. Then I took the dogs out because they had been in the house all day long. As the door closed, Momma started howling and crying. She stopped when I came back into the room so I went back over and pet her some more. She was dead within a few minutes of my return."
After I read this I became very weepy myself and it wasn't even my cat. The cat was a very sweet animal. But did I get misty eyed because it was a loss for my friend? Was it because it was touching the way the cat called out to my friend as if to say good bye in it's last moments? Was it because I knew this day will someday also come to me when my little boy must say goodbye to me? Am I just truly over sensitive for a guy and this is just more proof that only through Christ's grace and love that I am being together in one piece? I can't believe I am as sad as I am for a cat I barely even knew. But I am empathetic for my friend and I thank God for what He provides for us in companionship and friendship and it sucks so much when it is taken away. I am just amazed that animals know their time is near, and they move off to a peaceful place to die even up to the very end, they know we are their masters and feel close enough to us to say goodbye in their own way.
July 21, 2008
Sad News
How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog -- it's here a little while, then it's gone. (James 4: 14)
I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.
Advanced.
The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.
He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.
It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.
I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?
Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.
In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.
I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.
On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.
My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.
I found out last Thursday that the senior pastor of my church growing up as a boy has prostrate cancer.
Advanced.
The doctors give him no more than two years to live as he waited way to long to ever have it examined, and it has now progressed into his bones and I am told he is already becomming frail.
He is in his early seventies and has a wife, two children and many grandchildren. I'm told he never had his prostrate ever examined as all men should around the age of 40 and every so often thereafter. If they had caught it early on, it could have been treated and most likely cured.
It is now Monday, and I have no idea what to say. For all intents and purposes he is the early church figure who really introduced God to me. It would take years before I really understood that deeply and what it means to me today. He also married my wife and I.
I haven't been to that church in over two years, not since I found my new and I think it was a good move for me on a spiritual level. But it saddens me to know that he will soon be gone, to have his life robbed away from him do to neglect of a standard checkup. What am I going to say to him that he hasn't heard of or thought of before?
Will a phone call suffice? Should I write a long letter? I most certainly should visit in person, but I feel awkward just coming out of the blue, as if it is totally staged.
In other news I called my grandfather up on Saturday to see if he wanted to go to a model train expo with me. I thought it would be nice to spend a few hours with him. Sadly he declined, not because he didn't want to go....he was very apologetic and sincere is saying he was thankful I did call and invite him, but overall he wasn't feeling to well. I believe my grandfather is in his late eighties, if he isn't 90 already. I guess I should know, and I'm not sure why I don't. Perhaps I take it for granted he'll always be here. And he won't. See, he still has all his faculties. He's pretty sharp and can still move about, but he is getting slower and gets exhausted more eaily now.
I suppose one could say he doesn't have much time left either, and only God above knows if he is saved. He hasn't been to church in decades, and while I beleive he does indeed believe in God and heaven and is more or less a good man, I'm not sure if he has a relationship with Christ or is truly saved.
On a few occassions I have tried to very subtley witness to him, and it was greated with some lukewarm reception. I suppose at this age though I can't afford to wait to much longer even if that means making him slightly angry if I bring it up. But I guess I'd rather him be angry with me for a bit (if he does get angry that is) and know that I tried, than to not have said anything and maybe not offer him Christ's good news.
My wife would say this is one of my biggest problems and why I'm an emotional wreck and a hisory of depression.....because I worry so much about everyone else. I worry so much in regards to the alternative, I lose sleep and joy over my own life and circumstances. You know.....she's right.
July 14, 2008
Yet another interuption.
One of my coworkers has called in this morning and has informed us he will not be at work this whole week and his new wife just gave birth to their first son. Well, congratulations to him and I hope everything is well.
But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.
When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.
And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.
Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.
But in a selfish note to myself, it sorta depresses me. While I am happy for people who have children, it is a constant reminder to me that I may never have any of my own. In the case of my wife and I, like I mentioned before, we tried in our first year a lot. We went to the clinic, had the requisite surgeries and checkups, my wife was taking injections and pills and we tried unsuccessfully for almost two years before my wife gave up and I just sorta sat there perturbed that the avenue was being closed down for me via her decision. My coworker got married last year and then, BOOM, his wife was pregnant within the first 2 months, (if that) of their marriage.
When I see sitcoms, or dramatic movies about this type of situation, I'll admit....for a guy I am very sensitive to the various emotions involved. I clam up pretty quick at these type of announcements because I reflect on our own inability to have children. It doesn't help either when my sister-in-law is parading all the fun things and memories she has with her children before me. No, she doesn't rub it in, or try and be malicious.....she's a proud and loving mother as she should be and is entitled to....I'm just envious of those things that I will not experience and so badly want to for my own.
And people wonder why I pour so much attention into my dog. For all intents, he is my little boy and I love him dearly.
Anyway, I'm just saying I'm a little depressed and envious today and my coworkers blessing is a reminder to me that I am not a 'Dad'.
July 11, 2008
A Series of Events (Part IV)
Wow. All I can say is that these past two weeks have been filled with plenty of drama and ups and downs.
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
I apologize for the lack of posting, and since I can be a little verbose, it may take me a few days to catch back up. Usually I go in stretches here of think not only what to say, but how to say it. Now, I'm thinking on how do I catch up and get it all in?
In my last entry I mentioned things between my mother and I had gone a little sour, and I was not overly pleased with my wife either and how she was carrying about with the neighbors.
On Sunday morning I woke up and really needed to go to church, especially since I copped out the day before with some lame excuse of my own volition.
The message that day came from the book of Galations, and by the end of the service I was moved to call my mother and apologize. I needed to apologize for swearing and losing my patience, but not sorry for expressing how I feel and the overall issue of nagging me to death and not listening.
When I got home from chruch I sat down, took a deep breath and dialed my mother. When she answered I began with "Hey, I wanted to apologize for my swear......."and I was cut of and interupted a mere ten seconds into my call. For the next 7:39 minutes (I know this because there is a timer on my phone and the whole call was 7:49) my mother went off on me. I was read the riot act and was told how much I have changed the last few years, how Sunday school apparantly had no effect on me, how ungrateful I was, how rude I was, etc., etc. I was too tired to argue back and decided that anthing I said right now in my defense or arguing any point in her state of mind right now would be fruitless so against my own will I just was able to mutter the occasional "uh-huh"and "yup". Seriously, I don't think my mother took a breath for that whole seven minutes and I was instantly sorry I tried to call.
One thing she said that really hurt my feelings was "You only have time for us when you need something." I'd really like to say I don't think that is the case at all and I personally think that is an unfair statement, hopefully made out of haste and her own frustration at the time and not what she actually thinks. Second, I was a little angry that she said 'us', meaning my father and mother together. No, I don't see how my father has anything to do with this and I have no beef with him at all. This was between her and I, not my parents and I. Lastly, my mother was able to get in a dig at my wife as well without mentioning her name. I knew exactly who and what she meant and I took that as a backhanded uncalled for snipe. But I wasn't going to stoop down this day.
I seriously called to make some sort of ammends, but my mother was having none of it this day. At the end of the 7:49 she ended the call and I think I stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds, once again, wondering what the hell did I do this time? Perhaps my mother doesn't know my heart, but I know that God knows I was repentant (and still am) for losing my cool the day before and I had decent intentions. But I was also angry enough to say to myself "Fine. You think I ask for help only when I need it? Well, this is the last time I call for anything."
I was so bummed out at that moment, I called my neighbor up and asked if he wanted to go out for some buffalo wings and beer. I needed to get out of the house. Surprisingly he agreed and we went to the local pub and must have ate 60+ wings between us along with some cold ones.
That's exactly what the doctor ordered. I needed some 'man' time and get away from all this drama I find myself in the middle of unwittingly.
To be continued....
July 02, 2008
Spiritual Intervention?
This afternoon, something strange happened and I thought I'd share it with you all as soon as I could.
I was out in the field working and when I was done, I was close enough to a fast food joint that I thought I'd take a few minutes and grab an Ice-Tea and a snack and sit down and enjoy the coolness of the air conditioned room. Looking for something to read, I happened to grab a small newletter that was stashed in our company truck's glove compartment.
It ended up being the Alamo Christian Ministries World Newsletter and I was drawn to a letter on the front page written to pastor Tony Alamo:
Whoa! This person sounds just like me. I didn't copy the whole letter down, but you get the gist of it. We all have our moments....even Christians....and I too get so angry.
And then I was thinking about the last few days. I've written some lengthy posts the last two days, and I realized that the length of my posts and aggressive tone of them is because I too have been angry at my surroundings.
You see this blog is also my own self-therapy. I tend to write a lot when I am agitated and frustrated. I'm not out skipping in the daisies or humming a pleasing tune...no I am venting. And I can't help but notice that my last few posts may come across as negative. On the contrary, I hope you realize I am venting, and this is a way for me to organize and let loose my feelings without doing something stupid.
But what is really strange and I'd like to call your attention to is the fact that I've been edgy the last few days, and in this state of mind, I randomly grabbed a piece of paper to read....and it turned out to be a Christian newsletter stuffed in our company car. How did that get there? And why did I grab it today of all days? Fate? Perhaps God is trying to bring something to my attention and today took the opportunity to do so.
While I do feel a little bit better, I continue with the remainder of the story I've been venting about the last few days, but I thought you may get a kick out of this strange coincidence.
I was out in the field working and when I was done, I was close enough to a fast food joint that I thought I'd take a few minutes and grab an Ice-Tea and a snack and sit down and enjoy the coolness of the air conditioned room. Looking for something to read, I happened to grab a small newletter that was stashed in our company truck's glove compartment.
It ended up being the Alamo Christian Ministries World Newsletter and I was drawn to a letter on the front page written to pastor Tony Alamo:
Dear Pastor Tony,
Hi, how are you doing and
feeling these days? Well, I'm writing you about the literature that you've
sent me, and I must say I got a lot out of it, and it has opened my eyes to a
lot of things that I was indeed doing wrong and I thought I was right. It
also showed me how unclean my surroundings are and how to deal with it.
Pastor, I'm really trying to put up with people who are not believers of
Christ. It's very hard, and I see myself getting very angry, not because
they don't believe, but because they're trying to make me stumble, and I'm
trying so hard not to stumble. Every time I get angry, I look to the
literature you've sent to me, and then I will pray on it because I'm really
trying to change my way of thinking, as well as living. I still need a lot
of work yet, but with the Lord's help I'll make it.
Whoa! This person sounds just like me. I didn't copy the whole letter down, but you get the gist of it. We all have our moments....even Christians....and I too get so angry.
And then I was thinking about the last few days. I've written some lengthy posts the last two days, and I realized that the length of my posts and aggressive tone of them is because I too have been angry at my surroundings.
You see this blog is also my own self-therapy. I tend to write a lot when I am agitated and frustrated. I'm not out skipping in the daisies or humming a pleasing tune...no I am venting. And I can't help but notice that my last few posts may come across as negative. On the contrary, I hope you realize I am venting, and this is a way for me to organize and let loose my feelings without doing something stupid.
But what is really strange and I'd like to call your attention to is the fact that I've been edgy the last few days, and in this state of mind, I randomly grabbed a piece of paper to read....and it turned out to be a Christian newsletter stuffed in our company car. How did that get there? And why did I grab it today of all days? Fate? Perhaps God is trying to bring something to my attention and today took the opportunity to do so.
While I do feel a little bit better, I continue with the remainder of the story I've been venting about the last few days, but I thought you may get a kick out of this strange coincidence.
A Series of Events (Part III) - Saturday Afternoon
As I said, I made the call at 3pm already dreading it as I dialed.
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
My mother answered and proceeded to launch into this long, drawn out, convoluted tale that a second cousin of mine supposedly also has Chronic Uticaria and has been living with it for 30+ years. Now I find this very odd only in the snese that when I had my initial breakout, I actually spent a few days with my cousin back in 2006 and both her and her husband seeing me in this state never offered up any information regarding her own bouts with uticaria, let alone make any snap diagnosis or advice on what to do.
What further began to annoy me (and I take full responsibility for my lack of patience), is the fact it took my mom almost 10 minutes to spit out a 15 second piece of information, with many backtracks and repetitions in the story.
The story was then followed up by the usual questions that I've answered at least 50 times before: "What are you taking? What are you eating? How many blood tests have you had? What medication are you taking? When was the last time? Will you see a hemotoligist if I set up an appointment?" My God, I feel like banging my head against the wall because I have this exact same conversation every single time and my answers are still the same and they don't waiver. I feel like I should write out a FAQ white paper and mail it to her.
As if that wasn't bad enough....my cousins husband (who has no medical training whatsoever) recommended to my mother that I stop taking antihistamines. WHAT? I have to remind my mother, yet again, that I have seen 4 seperate doctors and all 4 of them have prescribed to me the anti-histamines....and when I take them....my symptoms, while they do not disapear, are indeed lessened and makes my situation much more manageable.
This is then followed up by the often repeated knee jerk DON'T list: Don't eat tomatoes. Don't eat shellfish. Stay away from sushi. Don't drink alcohol. Don't go outside. Don't do this....don't do that....blah, blah, blah.
Mind you, the last few days I have had to explain everyone I come into contact with who sees me there question of "What's wrong?". The amount of pills I take everyday along with their various side effects makes me grumpy. Topped off with the way my wife carries on and on about it as well with her illogical conclusions really begins to push my buttons and grate on me.
Before you know it, I do indeed begin to lose it. I end up swearing in general out of frustration, which of course now sends my mother in a tizzy on the other end of the phone asking "Why do I treat her like this? Why am I swearing at her?", followed by by her infamous guilt trips. I'd like to point out that even though I did swear, it was not at my mother, it was to no one in particular....just an immature response to the ether from my built up tension.
My mother then turns the conversation into how I am ungrateful for her help and then manages to bring my dad into the picture as well. Now I am accused of not treating "them" with any respect, never picking up the phone, never returning calls (an outright fabrictaion of epic proportions), how Christianity hasn't taught me anything, and how I've changed the last few year...and not for the better.
I try an explain 'calmly' that she doesn't listen to me, that my frustration stems from the fact that every call lately is me answering the same questions over and over and over again. That no matter how manty times I tell her I've seen a doctor, or taken bllod tests, allergy tests, told her the medications I am currently taking....I have to start and explain from scratch each and every time. Couple that with actually living with the discomfort and playing Q&A with all my neighbors and coworkers...yes....I get a little agitated.
She eventually hung up on me in tears.
Of course I am saddened once again our conversations end the way they do. I do not want her to cry, nor did I mean to hurt her feelings. I also know and appreciate her concern and willingness to help. I am also sorry I swore out loud. However, I am not sorry that I said "You don't listen.", nor am I apologetic for pointing out the continued contradiction of some of her advice when it comes to what the doctors and research tells me as compared to my second cousins husband.
I sit down and try to collect my thoughts, replaying the whole thing in my head and asking God to point out where I went wrong, and how to manage it in the future so I don't get sucked into that dark and bitter place, especially when it comes to my mom.
Then of course my wife has to chime in now and give me her $.02 on what she just witnessed. I'm too tired to comment back, so I just let her talk, hearing only half of it, ignoring the ihe other half.
I'd really like a drink right now and to be alone for a bit.
As the afternoon turns into evening, my wife decides to hang out with the neighbors out front. As usual it's all about sitting in a circle with open wine bottles, cigarette after cigarette, and idle chatter. I only go out for a few minutes to say "Hi", but quite frankly would rather be inside.
Ten minutes later I tell my wife I'm going back in the house, which is met with "Why?" in front of everyone. I don't want to voice anything in front of my neighbors and really say "Because this is boring and I have better things to do than to watch you all smoke and drink and talk about who knows what and gossip", so I simply say "I don't feel all that well".
I end up reading a book for a while and watching a very interesting documentary on NASA before I go to bed. I peek outside and I see my wife with the women neighbors...still sitting in the same circle they have been for hours...smoking and drinking....and I catch myself shaking my head in mild disgust. I also wonder why my wife can't make time for church knowing how important it is to me, but can spend hours upon hours doing nothing of grand importance with the neighbors.
I go to bed and pray that sleep noty only comes quickly so that this day will end, but ask God for foregiveness for my judgemental thoughts and allowing my mind to go to dark places today...
To be continued....
July 01, 2008
A Series of Events (Part II) - Saturday morning
My wife wasn't too happy that she had to work Saturday. She is a salaried employee who doesn't really have the luxury of saying "No" or taking a break when she would like to. I do have some empathy for her as I know her boss and the company takes advanatge of her.
Her problem, and I tried to warn her multiple times of this a few years back, is that she has a problem saying "No." to her company when they ask her to do favors. Funny, she doesn't have a problem saying "No." to me when I think about it. She's sorta backed herself into a corner these days in the fact that her boss doesn't even ask for 'favors' anylonger. My wife has said "Yes." so many times in the past, they now just expect her to work when everyone else takes time off for personal reasons. If there is one thing outside our marital and financial issues that irks me is that I really do feel they have her over a barrel and truly take advanatge of the situation. The last few months her work has been piling up and on, and her 40 hour a week job has easily been closer to 60 as of late. The problem is, they really do not compensate her for it...not even 'comp' time. I know the state of the economy we're in, and with some of our bills, we can't afford (for very long) to have one of us lose our job right now. She just got her merit raise and it was a whole 3%. I suppose 3% is better than nothing (my company didn't give any raises so far this year), but 3% of nothing really doesn't equate to much anyhow. It clearly doesn't even come close to the amount of hours she's been working, and for that I do feel bad for her. On the flip side.....the more she works though, I figure the less likely she's apt to get in trouble and also stays away from what I consider some bad outside influences.
Anyway, she got up early on Saturday morning to go to work and since I've been having trouble sleeping anyways, I decided to get up as well. It was early enough where I figured I could do some chores before I went to my mens bible study at 8:30am. At about 7:15 I decided to take a few minutes break and play a video game for a few minutes.
That's the danger of addictive games....my planned 30 minute break started to creep up on 45 minutes and I kept telling myself "5 more minutes" and I gotta go. Well, I must have said that to myself at least 3 times because the next time I looked at the clock it was now 8:25 and I wasn't even dressed. Thankfully, my church os only 2 minutes away, so I figure they never start on time anyway, so if I'm 5 minutes late, I really haven't missed anything.
Well, wouldn't you know...I stretched my 5 extra minutes into an additional 10. When I finally turned off my computer and got dressed it was now 8:45. I told myself I should start a load of laundry (it should be done by the time I get back)....after I take my medication. I loaded the machine with my work clothes, took my meds and then looked at the clock. 9:00am. Great. Now I'm 30 minutes late.
I look at my dog and realize he hadn't been walked in two days due to the heat and I felt a bit guilty. I made the decision to walk my dog and forego bible study. By the time I got there at this rate it'd be 1/2 over anyway.
Ugh. Inside I felt ashamed. I had all intentions of going the previous few days and thought I was looking forward to attending. But deep down inside, I must have made some internal excuses as to how to avoid it....and then justify it within my mind. My last self-justification was that my body was still recovering from my latest Uticaria outbreak, with my hives about 90% under control. Why chance the heat if I can maintain being cool at home?
I was productive however. I vacuumed the house and mopped the kitchen. I unloaded the dishwasher. I watered the plants and trimmed some bushes out front. I walked the dog. I cleaned the toilets and did two loads of laundry and tidied up a little bit around the house.
I did such a fine job I decied to take a break...again...playing a video game.
The phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as my mother. I didn't answer. I had already spoke to her on Friday on two seperate occassions that she initiated to talk about my skin condition and I couldn't think for the life of me what more could be said or added that hadn't been discussed 100 times before.
That was sort of a mistake not to take the call and just resign myself to the fact that my mother is on one of her 'missions' and will not give up until she feels she completed her self appointed duty. In this case, getting a hold of me.
Now let me preface the next set of paragraphs with a little background on my mother and me and our dynamic. I am an only child...meaning I have no brothers or sisters to share either the ire or love of my parents. My mother is 100% Italian and has an alpha personality. I do indeed love my mother very, very much. I cannot stress how much I do love her, but, she does have the uncanny ability to drive me crazy, run things into the ground, never let go of ancient history, and generally get involved in things when not asked to because she wants and feel the need to help.
In the past I have asked my mother very politely to back off of certain things, especially when it comes to my marriage and personal life. Sometimes I find myself repeatedly asking her to back off. Sometimes my politeness has a limit...and after we go round and round on a topic for the tenth time, I begin to lose my patience and my politeness.
You also have to understand my mother really has the the best of intentions. I know deep down she means no harm and just wants to help, but she can be the 'nosy neighbor' or the person who just finds themselves in the middle of everything no matter how hard you try and avoid it. To put it simply, my mother has control issues, and I often wonder how much of a contributing factor she is/was in my depression. I say that because as much as I love my mother, I cringe when the phone rings anymore. It's always 'something'. It's usually a laundry list of whats wrong with everybody else, or some wacky advice with no real basis in fact. And probably the biggest issue I have with my mother to date: it takes her forever to get to the point on anything due to the round-about way she discussed things.
You're probably thinking about the same thing right now in regards to me. Well, maybe that is true on occassion. But I really think this is the biggest diffrence between the two of us: I am very detailed orientated and can take you from point A to point Z in a very methodical, effiecient, and planned out manner. My mother can also take you to point Z if you don't mind traveling back to previous points multiple times.
Me: A-B-C-D-E-F......X-Y-Z.
My mother: A-A-B-C-A-D-E-A-B....
You get the point. It's maddening, frustrating, repetitive, eye-rolling, and pateince testing. There are times I catch myself saying "Yeah, yeah..Got it..Okay..Move on....Your point is?" And for some reason, no matter how much I pray to God to grant me patience....it is something I really don't have yet.
So when I don't pick up our house phone...then my cell phone rings just afterwards. Typical M.O. This will continue every half hour until I call back or pick up. The longer I wait, the more intense the conversation will become and then I have to answer additional questions like "Where were you? Why didn't you pick up? I've been trying to call all day."
Yeah, I know.....that's why I don't pick up....I have nothing to say at times and I don't want to get sucked into a 20 minute conversation about who knows what. I relish in peace and quiet at times and enjoy my days off in solitude. 90% of the time the conversations she initiates have no real depth to them or point. I figure its just her way at 64 years of age to keep tabs on me or to interject herself yet again, for her own self-validation. Oh man, I know that sounds so harsh and mean spirited and I cringe internally when I even think it, but that's how I feel.
Needless to say, I avoid the calls as long as I can and decide to suck it up, sit down, and return the call at 3pm.
To be continued.....
Her problem, and I tried to warn her multiple times of this a few years back, is that she has a problem saying "No." to her company when they ask her to do favors. Funny, she doesn't have a problem saying "No." to me when I think about it. She's sorta backed herself into a corner these days in the fact that her boss doesn't even ask for 'favors' anylonger. My wife has said "Yes." so many times in the past, they now just expect her to work when everyone else takes time off for personal reasons. If there is one thing outside our marital and financial issues that irks me is that I really do feel they have her over a barrel and truly take advanatge of the situation. The last few months her work has been piling up and on, and her 40 hour a week job has easily been closer to 60 as of late. The problem is, they really do not compensate her for it...not even 'comp' time. I know the state of the economy we're in, and with some of our bills, we can't afford (for very long) to have one of us lose our job right now. She just got her merit raise and it was a whole 3%. I suppose 3% is better than nothing (my company didn't give any raises so far this year), but 3% of nothing really doesn't equate to much anyhow. It clearly doesn't even come close to the amount of hours she's been working, and for that I do feel bad for her. On the flip side.....the more she works though, I figure the less likely she's apt to get in trouble and also stays away from what I consider some bad outside influences.
Anyway, she got up early on Saturday morning to go to work and since I've been having trouble sleeping anyways, I decided to get up as well. It was early enough where I figured I could do some chores before I went to my mens bible study at 8:30am. At about 7:15 I decided to take a few minutes break and play a video game for a few minutes.
That's the danger of addictive games....my planned 30 minute break started to creep up on 45 minutes and I kept telling myself "5 more minutes" and I gotta go. Well, I must have said that to myself at least 3 times because the next time I looked at the clock it was now 8:25 and I wasn't even dressed. Thankfully, my church os only 2 minutes away, so I figure they never start on time anyway, so if I'm 5 minutes late, I really haven't missed anything.
Well, wouldn't you know...I stretched my 5 extra minutes into an additional 10. When I finally turned off my computer and got dressed it was now 8:45. I told myself I should start a load of laundry (it should be done by the time I get back)....after I take my medication. I loaded the machine with my work clothes, took my meds and then looked at the clock. 9:00am. Great. Now I'm 30 minutes late.
I look at my dog and realize he hadn't been walked in two days due to the heat and I felt a bit guilty. I made the decision to walk my dog and forego bible study. By the time I got there at this rate it'd be 1/2 over anyway.
Ugh. Inside I felt ashamed. I had all intentions of going the previous few days and thought I was looking forward to attending. But deep down inside, I must have made some internal excuses as to how to avoid it....and then justify it within my mind. My last self-justification was that my body was still recovering from my latest Uticaria outbreak, with my hives about 90% under control. Why chance the heat if I can maintain being cool at home?
I was productive however. I vacuumed the house and mopped the kitchen. I unloaded the dishwasher. I watered the plants and trimmed some bushes out front. I walked the dog. I cleaned the toilets and did two loads of laundry and tidied up a little bit around the house.
I did such a fine job I decied to take a break...again...playing a video game.
The phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as my mother. I didn't answer. I had already spoke to her on Friday on two seperate occassions that she initiated to talk about my skin condition and I couldn't think for the life of me what more could be said or added that hadn't been discussed 100 times before.
That was sort of a mistake not to take the call and just resign myself to the fact that my mother is on one of her 'missions' and will not give up until she feels she completed her self appointed duty. In this case, getting a hold of me.
Now let me preface the next set of paragraphs with a little background on my mother and me and our dynamic. I am an only child...meaning I have no brothers or sisters to share either the ire or love of my parents. My mother is 100% Italian and has an alpha personality. I do indeed love my mother very, very much. I cannot stress how much I do love her, but, she does have the uncanny ability to drive me crazy, run things into the ground, never let go of ancient history, and generally get involved in things when not asked to because she wants and feel the need to help.
In the past I have asked my mother very politely to back off of certain things, especially when it comes to my marriage and personal life. Sometimes I find myself repeatedly asking her to back off. Sometimes my politeness has a limit...and after we go round and round on a topic for the tenth time, I begin to lose my patience and my politeness.
You also have to understand my mother really has the the best of intentions. I know deep down she means no harm and just wants to help, but she can be the 'nosy neighbor' or the person who just finds themselves in the middle of everything no matter how hard you try and avoid it. To put it simply, my mother has control issues, and I often wonder how much of a contributing factor she is/was in my depression. I say that because as much as I love my mother, I cringe when the phone rings anymore. It's always 'something'. It's usually a laundry list of whats wrong with everybody else, or some wacky advice with no real basis in fact. And probably the biggest issue I have with my mother to date: it takes her forever to get to the point on anything due to the round-about way she discussed things.
You're probably thinking about the same thing right now in regards to me. Well, maybe that is true on occassion. But I really think this is the biggest diffrence between the two of us: I am very detailed orientated and can take you from point A to point Z in a very methodical, effiecient, and planned out manner. My mother can also take you to point Z if you don't mind traveling back to previous points multiple times.
Me: A-B-C-D-E-F......X-Y-Z.
My mother: A-A-B-C-A-D-E-A-B....
You get the point. It's maddening, frustrating, repetitive, eye-rolling, and pateince testing. There are times I catch myself saying "Yeah, yeah..Got it..Okay..Move on....Your point is?" And for some reason, no matter how much I pray to God to grant me patience....it is something I really don't have yet.
So when I don't pick up our house phone...then my cell phone rings just afterwards. Typical M.O. This will continue every half hour until I call back or pick up. The longer I wait, the more intense the conversation will become and then I have to answer additional questions like "Where were you? Why didn't you pick up? I've been trying to call all day."
Yeah, I know.....that's why I don't pick up....I have nothing to say at times and I don't want to get sucked into a 20 minute conversation about who knows what. I relish in peace and quiet at times and enjoy my days off in solitude. 90% of the time the conversations she initiates have no real depth to them or point. I figure its just her way at 64 years of age to keep tabs on me or to interject herself yet again, for her own self-validation. Oh man, I know that sounds so harsh and mean spirited and I cringe internally when I even think it, but that's how I feel.
Needless to say, I avoid the calls as long as I can and decide to suck it up, sit down, and return the call at 3pm.
To be continued.....
June 30, 2008
A Series of Events (Part I) - Prologue
This past weekend was met with mixed results for yours truly. There were some very happy moments, and there were also a few unpleasant ones as well.
Sunday specifically led the charge of both extreme personal highs and emotional lows in which I am still trying to digest and wrap my brain around in conjunctuion with Christ's words on peace, grace, and calming my inner spirit.
Let me first start by saying that after almost two weeks of various allergy medications that have messed with me in more ways than one, my rash or 'hives' finally seem to be under control. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it here before, but back in 2006 I developed a very serious skin rash. Something I never had never experienced before and it scared me as well as being very miserable on both a physical and emotional level.
We were on vacation when my body began to swell up. My skin developed 'hives' of such an intense nature my skin felt as if it were on fire....literally radiating heat to the touch and causing extreme discomfort with the persistant 'itchiness' of it all. Since we were on vacation at the time, my local doctor was nowhere to be had. I ended up going to an emergency room in a far off city to have injections of ephedrine and cortisone and placed on a knee-jerk perscription of anti-inflammatories, anti-histimines, and anti-itch meds. They had a very limited effect at the time and I suffered for the next few days until I could return home and see my regular doctor, who in turn recommended me to a dermatologist.
The dermatologist took two skin biopsies from my leg and blood samples and sent them off for testing. While my hives did not get any worse, I was not really improving either. And to be quite honest, I sorta looked like a walking freakshow. You wouldn't believe the stares I was getting, and the swelling did temproarily disfigure my face. My forehead and bridge of my nose was so bad, it looked as if my eyes shifted an additional inch away from each other.
My blood work came back as did the biopsy reports a few days later, and both can back negative. I suppose that's the good news....no wierd tropical disease or cancer or virus. However, the bad news was that no one had an explanation as to what brought it on or even had a guess to what I may have had. I have never in my life had that before and we all sat around scratching our heads as to what may have been the trigger.
That was May of 2006. It is now June 2008 and I can tell you I have had the incident repeat itself a total of 5-6 additional times. I have since seen an allergist and have had my blood tested again and a full work up of allergy tests (skin scrapes). My blood still tests negative (normal), and allergy tests have only confirmed what I already knew....a few certain foods, some grasses, weeds, molds, etc. that most people are allergic to anyway and didn't seem to be a trigger for it.
Fortunately it has never been as bad as the initial time and I have learned how to detect the onset (feelings) at its earliest stages so I can attempt a premeditated strike of medications. I can't stop it, but I have learned how to lessen its impact and try to become as comfortable as I can under the circumstances.
The various doctors I have been seeing 'think' they may now know what I have: Chronic Uticaria. I say 'think' because they are not 100% positive, bit nothing else fits the symptoms right now. The bad news is there really is no effective cure, nor does science know exactly what causes it. So it appears that I developed a condition out of nowhere in May 2006 and will be subject to it the remainder of my natural life...with tons of pills in plastic containers ready to take at a moments notice. God forbid I get another illness and have to combine even more drugs.
The symptoms today: swollen hands and some facial swelling, itchiness of the scalp and hands, some discomfort in normal breathing, and probably the most visible cue - red 'splotches' on my head, neck, arms, thighs, sides of body and can include my hands and feet, and at times, radiate heat.
Here are a few things I have to do: stay cool and out of direct sun for long periods of time. No extreme physical exertion (no gym, no intense labor, avoid projects that I have to use my hands alot), watch my stress levels and blood pressure, try an avoid scratching as best I can when I itch. Take cool showers. Take anti-histamines. Take anti-inflamatories. Take steroids.
So you're probably wondering why I am going into all this detail now. Well, I suppose I'm just giving you some background information on me to help set up my next few posts about this weekend.
To be continued....
Sunday specifically led the charge of both extreme personal highs and emotional lows in which I am still trying to digest and wrap my brain around in conjunctuion with Christ's words on peace, grace, and calming my inner spirit.
Let me first start by saying that after almost two weeks of various allergy medications that have messed with me in more ways than one, my rash or 'hives' finally seem to be under control. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it here before, but back in 2006 I developed a very serious skin rash. Something I never had never experienced before and it scared me as well as being very miserable on both a physical and emotional level.
We were on vacation when my body began to swell up. My skin developed 'hives' of such an intense nature my skin felt as if it were on fire....literally radiating heat to the touch and causing extreme discomfort with the persistant 'itchiness' of it all. Since we were on vacation at the time, my local doctor was nowhere to be had. I ended up going to an emergency room in a far off city to have injections of ephedrine and cortisone and placed on a knee-jerk perscription of anti-inflammatories, anti-histimines, and anti-itch meds. They had a very limited effect at the time and I suffered for the next few days until I could return home and see my regular doctor, who in turn recommended me to a dermatologist.
The dermatologist took two skin biopsies from my leg and blood samples and sent them off for testing. While my hives did not get any worse, I was not really improving either. And to be quite honest, I sorta looked like a walking freakshow. You wouldn't believe the stares I was getting, and the swelling did temproarily disfigure my face. My forehead and bridge of my nose was so bad, it looked as if my eyes shifted an additional inch away from each other.
My blood work came back as did the biopsy reports a few days later, and both can back negative. I suppose that's the good news....no wierd tropical disease or cancer or virus. However, the bad news was that no one had an explanation as to what brought it on or even had a guess to what I may have had. I have never in my life had that before and we all sat around scratching our heads as to what may have been the trigger.
That was May of 2006. It is now June 2008 and I can tell you I have had the incident repeat itself a total of 5-6 additional times. I have since seen an allergist and have had my blood tested again and a full work up of allergy tests (skin scrapes). My blood still tests negative (normal), and allergy tests have only confirmed what I already knew....a few certain foods, some grasses, weeds, molds, etc. that most people are allergic to anyway and didn't seem to be a trigger for it.
Fortunately it has never been as bad as the initial time and I have learned how to detect the onset (feelings) at its earliest stages so I can attempt a premeditated strike of medications. I can't stop it, but I have learned how to lessen its impact and try to become as comfortable as I can under the circumstances.
The various doctors I have been seeing 'think' they may now know what I have: Chronic Uticaria. I say 'think' because they are not 100% positive, bit nothing else fits the symptoms right now. The bad news is there really is no effective cure, nor does science know exactly what causes it. So it appears that I developed a condition out of nowhere in May 2006 and will be subject to it the remainder of my natural life...with tons of pills in plastic containers ready to take at a moments notice. God forbid I get another illness and have to combine even more drugs.
The symptoms today: swollen hands and some facial swelling, itchiness of the scalp and hands, some discomfort in normal breathing, and probably the most visible cue - red 'splotches' on my head, neck, arms, thighs, sides of body and can include my hands and feet, and at times, radiate heat.
Here are a few things I have to do: stay cool and out of direct sun for long periods of time. No extreme physical exertion (no gym, no intense labor, avoid projects that I have to use my hands alot), watch my stress levels and blood pressure, try an avoid scratching as best I can when I itch. Take cool showers. Take anti-histamines. Take anti-inflamatories. Take steroids.
So you're probably wondering why I am going into all this detail now. Well, I suppose I'm just giving you some background information on me to help set up my next few posts about this weekend.
To be continued....
June 27, 2008
A few minor changes
Depending on how much you visit here, you may or may not have noticed a few minor additions and changes.
I've made a few color changes to the sidebar just to 'spice' things up a bit, hopefully to add a little life and pizzaz to my thoughts.
I also added a picture of Christ. There are so many beautiful pictures of Jesus out there, most of them reflecting a long haired man in a serene pose with his arms either oustretched as if to say "Welcome my child", or looking down with his head slightly tilted down to one side that sort of reflects a certain humbleness yet authority of being King of kings.
I chose the one I did because it was a close up of Him looking right at you, nothing else to get in the way but His connection with you. I also like the muted sepia like colors and its worn look.
Finally in case anyone is interested, I also added a subcription feed button that will notify the reader when a new post/entry or comment is updated here. By selecting the appropriate button, you can then add a 'feed' to one of the more popular 'subscription readers' available. I've never used one before so I don't know excatly how it works. Please let me know what you think.
In other news, the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. My wife had dinner with her mother and sister yesterday and got home later than I expected....I actually thought they were having lunch, not dinner, but I'm sure I heard wrong. The nice thing was my wife brought me home dinner, one of my favorite meals, though I wish she would have called me earlier to let me know because when she got home I was eating leftovers anyways. But the fact is she thought of me which I guess is a nice surprise.
She didn't go into much detail, but indicated her sister was lecturing her. I didn't want to press matters or inquire as to what, but I can guess. I imagine her sister may have raised some concerns that a few people have noticed the last few months in regards to her recent behaviors. I didn't ask her sister to do so, but I'm not going to turn down the outside help either. Her sister once confided in me not that long ago that she was a little concerned about my wife priorities in general and the way she acts towards me on occassion. That was nice to hear on one hand, that someone may have finally noticed and at least gave me some inkling that all this 'stuff' isn't just me be overly sensitive. It also bothered me too, because it appears my ability to contain it and put on a happy-smiley face is always working, and now her side of the family must know that things aren't as rosey as them may first seem.
I dunno. Time will tell and I continue to pray for a more positive future, however, past experience also resulted in a short period of being nice only to revert to the standard ways in a few weeks.
Other than that little blurb on the radar from yesterday, I strangely feel somewhat calm and at peace today. Work is very quiet which is nice and I imagine this weekend will afford me some time to finally relax at home and maybe play some games I've been wanting to play.
I'm even looking forward to my men's support/bible study group this Saturday too.
I've made a few color changes to the sidebar just to 'spice' things up a bit, hopefully to add a little life and pizzaz to my thoughts.
I also added a picture of Christ. There are so many beautiful pictures of Jesus out there, most of them reflecting a long haired man in a serene pose with his arms either oustretched as if to say "Welcome my child", or looking down with his head slightly tilted down to one side that sort of reflects a certain humbleness yet authority of being King of kings.
I chose the one I did because it was a close up of Him looking right at you, nothing else to get in the way but His connection with you. I also like the muted sepia like colors and its worn look.
Finally in case anyone is interested, I also added a subcription feed button that will notify the reader when a new post/entry or comment is updated here. By selecting the appropriate button, you can then add a 'feed' to one of the more popular 'subscription readers' available. I've never used one before so I don't know excatly how it works. Please let me know what you think.
In other news, the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. My wife had dinner with her mother and sister yesterday and got home later than I expected....I actually thought they were having lunch, not dinner, but I'm sure I heard wrong. The nice thing was my wife brought me home dinner, one of my favorite meals, though I wish she would have called me earlier to let me know because when she got home I was eating leftovers anyways. But the fact is she thought of me which I guess is a nice surprise.
She didn't go into much detail, but indicated her sister was lecturing her. I didn't want to press matters or inquire as to what, but I can guess. I imagine her sister may have raised some concerns that a few people have noticed the last few months in regards to her recent behaviors. I didn't ask her sister to do so, but I'm not going to turn down the outside help either. Her sister once confided in me not that long ago that she was a little concerned about my wife priorities in general and the way she acts towards me on occassion. That was nice to hear on one hand, that someone may have finally noticed and at least gave me some inkling that all this 'stuff' isn't just me be overly sensitive. It also bothered me too, because it appears my ability to contain it and put on a happy-smiley face is always working, and now her side of the family must know that things aren't as rosey as them may first seem.
I dunno. Time will tell and I continue to pray for a more positive future, however, past experience also resulted in a short period of being nice only to revert to the standard ways in a few weeks.
Other than that little blurb on the radar from yesterday, I strangely feel somewhat calm and at peace today. Work is very quiet which is nice and I imagine this weekend will afford me some time to finally relax at home and maybe play some games I've been wanting to play.
I'm even looking forward to my men's support/bible study group this Saturday too.
June 25, 2008
Getting up early
Yesterday was a very busy day at work. It was both nice and tiring at the same time.
It was nice on the one hand as the day went by relatively fast, and I have always tended to work well under pressure. I usually perform well when pushed up against a wall or deadline...not usre why, just do.
On the other hand, between my cold sore and other medicines, I alternate between feeling wired and wiped out. Like my body is on cruise control and I'm not 100% in control of the gas pedal.
I came home yesterday to discover my wife was already home. She said she had not been feeling well but was nice enough to make me dinner. I did a few chores outside, helped clean up the kitchen a bit, and had to work on my PC to remove the malware that had infected it earlier this week.
I had a strange dream last night. One that I am not proud of, but can't help but wonder why my subconcious has been working over time and clearly I have some issues that need to be worked on.
Basically I dreamed I met another woman who was in love with me, and promised and appeared to be everything I first thought about my own wife. In my 'dream state', I had the comforting and secure feeling that this 'other' woman wanted to have a child with me...actually looked forward to attempting a family. She was also very nice and polite and was open about attending church. She didn't smoke, nor did she make social drinking a priority with neighbors and friends.
In my dream I was 'tempted' to have an affair, but as much as I knew this 'woman' was everything I thought I wanted, I also explained to her that I had made a contract with God on my current marriage vows....and became slighty disheartened in knowing that I could not be with her. I could not break those vows no matter how discouraged and frustrated and hurt I can get at times. I imagined a life with my wife whom I love.....but always feel I will come in second place.....or I move ahead with a new relationship and perhaps someday be able to be happy with this 'dream' person who I knew put me first for a change.
When I did wake up early this morning, I had that gnawing feeling of shame in my head for these subliminal dreams, and yet I do not want to discuss them at all with my wife. I wonder if all this is just a build up from the last few days and my imagination is getting the best of me.
It was nice on the one hand as the day went by relatively fast, and I have always tended to work well under pressure. I usually perform well when pushed up against a wall or deadline...not usre why, just do.
On the other hand, between my cold sore and other medicines, I alternate between feeling wired and wiped out. Like my body is on cruise control and I'm not 100% in control of the gas pedal.
I came home yesterday to discover my wife was already home. She said she had not been feeling well but was nice enough to make me dinner. I did a few chores outside, helped clean up the kitchen a bit, and had to work on my PC to remove the malware that had infected it earlier this week.
I had a strange dream last night. One that I am not proud of, but can't help but wonder why my subconcious has been working over time and clearly I have some issues that need to be worked on.
Basically I dreamed I met another woman who was in love with me, and promised and appeared to be everything I first thought about my own wife. In my 'dream state', I had the comforting and secure feeling that this 'other' woman wanted to have a child with me...actually looked forward to attempting a family. She was also very nice and polite and was open about attending church. She didn't smoke, nor did she make social drinking a priority with neighbors and friends.
In my dream I was 'tempted' to have an affair, but as much as I knew this 'woman' was everything I thought I wanted, I also explained to her that I had made a contract with God on my current marriage vows....and became slighty disheartened in knowing that I could not be with her. I could not break those vows no matter how discouraged and frustrated and hurt I can get at times. I imagined a life with my wife whom I love.....but always feel I will come in second place.....or I move ahead with a new relationship and perhaps someday be able to be happy with this 'dream' person who I knew put me first for a change.
When I did wake up early this morning, I had that gnawing feeling of shame in my head for these subliminal dreams, and yet I do not want to discuss them at all with my wife. I wonder if all this is just a build up from the last few days and my imagination is getting the best of me.
June 24, 2008
A new round of tests and counseling (Part IV)
It's been over a week, probably closer to two since I last posted. It's not that I haven't thought about it, it's more or less a result of being a little lazy and other stressors in my life that stop me from sitting down and composing my thoughts.
The last week has been a whirlwind, at least to me.....our water heater needed to be replaced after we discovered a leak in our garage. Needless to say it ended up being very complicated and not easy and we were without hot water for about 3 days. So it was cold showers, no dishes, and limited laundry. Never really realized how much we depend on that thing afterall.
It has also been exceedingly hot in our area, easily breaking 100 degrees this past Friday through Sunday, and I'm sure with a combination of stress and the high temperatures my 'hives' were in full bloom. I've been taking a lot or Predisone for that and anti-histamines. In addition, I developed a very nasty looking cold-sore/fever-sore and my gums ache.
Saturday my wife invited a bunch of neighbors over for a BBQ without asking me first...I really wasn't in the mood, but she's already asked and people committed. That irritates me as well....she knows I have a rash, we have no hot water, and I've barely slept....but who cares about my input? Let's have a BBQ anyway. When she was preparing the meat for the BBQ, I wanted to make a simple suggestion on how to tie it up. I was actually trying to be helpful, but instead I got snapped at: "I KNOW how to season a pork butt..." I just shut up and walked away....funny thing is, I wasn't even talking about seasoning...I was gonna talk about tying it up. It's moments like these I just wonder why I am where I am, and I just need to walk away.
Is it wrong to feel that I wish karma would bite my own wife in the rear once in a while? I feel ashamed for thinking that way, and it isn't very Christian like at all....but I sometimes....I just wish she's get knocked down a peg or two by someone else to know how it feels when people are just trying to help. I could go on and on about this too....I think it's the absence of the Holy Spirit in her life that tends to make her nasty at times when she talks to me. She doesn't talk this way to her friends and neighbors, or even her parents.....it just seems to be me.
Lastly, my PC got some malware installed (my fault) which basically made my computer unusabel unless I installed some anti-spyware software from a fraudulant internet based company that ended up charging me $86 when it was only supposed to be $39. That's just another thing I have to battle with the CC company and hopefully get a refund.
So, I haven't had much time or desire for anything else....including attending church. I stayed home Sunday morning and just sat and watched TV, walked my dog early (before the heat kicked in again), stayed on my various meds, and tried to enjoy the silence.
When I get cranky, and my patience is alrady at a low, I don't understand why the universe feels the need to make sure my phones rings nonstop for the dumbest reasons. I had telemarketers calling me all day Sunday, plus my mother has an uncanny ability to sense when something is wrong and will call all day long, unrelenting until I pick up. I wish she'd get the hint once in a while that I need my solitude and I don't always want to talk about things when it's convienent for everyone else. I find it tedious, tiresome, and highly irritable.... Then my wife asks why I'm being an ass. Well, I'm being an ass I suppose because everyone can't give me any space when I need it. Why don't people realize that I am not feeling well, hot, on various medications, have a skin rash, can't do laundry and dishes, have a cold sore, not sleeping well....and they want to know why I'm not more upbeat.
So I haven't gone in to take my treadmill 'stress' test yet. I keep putting it off. I have also put off the second round of marriage-counseling at the church that my wife won't attend. I debate whether it really does any good or not....if my wife doesn't want to go, or continues to live in denial, what good is it for me to go solo? I feel it's just an uphill battle that I'll end up losing emotionally anyway not to mention suck up a few hours of time. The last time I went, it may have been therapuetic....but I really didn't get the sense the peson I was talking too cared all that much. I mean how could they after they meet with me only 2 times at 1 hour each and my wife wasn't there to express her side? I look back and think the whole experience was like talking to a brick wall. So there's a part of me that hasn't followed up because I just don't see the point.
The last week has been a whirlwind, at least to me.....our water heater needed to be replaced after we discovered a leak in our garage. Needless to say it ended up being very complicated and not easy and we were without hot water for about 3 days. So it was cold showers, no dishes, and limited laundry. Never really realized how much we depend on that thing afterall.
It has also been exceedingly hot in our area, easily breaking 100 degrees this past Friday through Sunday, and I'm sure with a combination of stress and the high temperatures my 'hives' were in full bloom. I've been taking a lot or Predisone for that and anti-histamines. In addition, I developed a very nasty looking cold-sore/fever-sore and my gums ache.
Saturday my wife invited a bunch of neighbors over for a BBQ without asking me first...I really wasn't in the mood, but she's already asked and people committed. That irritates me as well....she knows I have a rash, we have no hot water, and I've barely slept....but who cares about my input? Let's have a BBQ anyway. When she was preparing the meat for the BBQ, I wanted to make a simple suggestion on how to tie it up. I was actually trying to be helpful, but instead I got snapped at: "I KNOW how to season a pork butt..." I just shut up and walked away....funny thing is, I wasn't even talking about seasoning...I was gonna talk about tying it up. It's moments like these I just wonder why I am where I am, and I just need to walk away.
Is it wrong to feel that I wish karma would bite my own wife in the rear once in a while? I feel ashamed for thinking that way, and it isn't very Christian like at all....but I sometimes....I just wish she's get knocked down a peg or two by someone else to know how it feels when people are just trying to help. I could go on and on about this too....I think it's the absence of the Holy Spirit in her life that tends to make her nasty at times when she talks to me. She doesn't talk this way to her friends and neighbors, or even her parents.....it just seems to be me.
Lastly, my PC got some malware installed (my fault) which basically made my computer unusabel unless I installed some anti-spyware software from a fraudulant internet based company that ended up charging me $86 when it was only supposed to be $39. That's just another thing I have to battle with the CC company and hopefully get a refund.
So, I haven't had much time or desire for anything else....including attending church. I stayed home Sunday morning and just sat and watched TV, walked my dog early (before the heat kicked in again), stayed on my various meds, and tried to enjoy the silence.
When I get cranky, and my patience is alrady at a low, I don't understand why the universe feels the need to make sure my phones rings nonstop for the dumbest reasons. I had telemarketers calling me all day Sunday, plus my mother has an uncanny ability to sense when something is wrong and will call all day long, unrelenting until I pick up. I wish she'd get the hint once in a while that I need my solitude and I don't always want to talk about things when it's convienent for everyone else. I find it tedious, tiresome, and highly irritable.... Then my wife asks why I'm being an ass. Well, I'm being an ass I suppose because everyone can't give me any space when I need it. Why don't people realize that I am not feeling well, hot, on various medications, have a skin rash, can't do laundry and dishes, have a cold sore, not sleeping well....and they want to know why I'm not more upbeat.
So I haven't gone in to take my treadmill 'stress' test yet. I keep putting it off. I have also put off the second round of marriage-counseling at the church that my wife won't attend. I debate whether it really does any good or not....if my wife doesn't want to go, or continues to live in denial, what good is it for me to go solo? I feel it's just an uphill battle that I'll end up losing emotionally anyway not to mention suck up a few hours of time. The last time I went, it may have been therapuetic....but I really didn't get the sense the peson I was talking too cared all that much. I mean how could they after they meet with me only 2 times at 1 hour each and my wife wasn't there to express her side? I look back and think the whole experience was like talking to a brick wall. So there's a part of me that hasn't followed up because I just don't see the point.
June 09, 2008
A new round of tests and counseling (Part III)
I always find that the typical 'lines of communication' between my wife and I are often reversed by most stereotypical standards. Meaning, my wife often plays the role of the stubborn male who doesn't want to talk about things, clam-up, and eventually pretend it didn't happen, whereas I on the other hand don't like the silent treatment and look for the 'fix' now so I can move on and not dwell on it. I honestly feel in my heart I am the more open of the two of us, much more willing to admit my own faults and seek and dole out foregiveness when the time is right.
I came home that night fully expecting to be questioned when she walked in the door, but instead was more or less ignored the first hour or so. I personally haven't decided if I like this general reaction or not. Sometimes I feel like there is an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about....other times I'm thankful nothing is being said as I am just too tired or mentally/emotionally exhausted to go another round.
Speaking of 'rounds', it also often seems to me that our 'discussions', if you will, are only given attention when she wants to, not me. Myabe that sounds nit-picky on my behalf, but I've come to realize that she often sets the terms on when we 'discuss' issues....when she's up to it or wants to, not me.
Surprisngly, by the end of the night she was speaking to me again, but never once referred to the previous few days of tension. She also never asked me once on how the doctor visit went either. My own stubborn and wounded ego wasn't going to offer it up either if not asked. I'm not going to tell my wife I am experiencing mild panic attacks, crying in front of my doctor, and especially being hooked up to an EKG machine if she didn't care.
The next few days seemed to get much better, although some of her occasional comments come across as a mild irritant or back handed slap on occassion. They do sting me on the inside, and I'm very aware of what she says to who, but I try very hard not to let on and look like it bothers me. Why provide more fuel to the fire?
I'm starting to lose my train of thought here, so perhaps I'll close this entry today. It's as if my thought, while coherent in the here and now, aren't going to make sense or flow logically as I continue.
Suffice to say, I feel better today than I have the last few days, but I'm not 100% sure why. My wife and I nevere really seem to achive a resolution to our 'issues'...they just seem to keep getting shelved from time to time until one is brave enough to go on the attack, or perhaps muster enough courage and strength to put the defenses and say "Okay, take your shot now while I have a moment of actual interest to defend myself."
This medicine just wipes me out.
I came home that night fully expecting to be questioned when she walked in the door, but instead was more or less ignored the first hour or so. I personally haven't decided if I like this general reaction or not. Sometimes I feel like there is an elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about....other times I'm thankful nothing is being said as I am just too tired or mentally/emotionally exhausted to go another round.
Speaking of 'rounds', it also often seems to me that our 'discussions', if you will, are only given attention when she wants to, not me. Myabe that sounds nit-picky on my behalf, but I've come to realize that she often sets the terms on when we 'discuss' issues....when she's up to it or wants to, not me.
Surprisngly, by the end of the night she was speaking to me again, but never once referred to the previous few days of tension. She also never asked me once on how the doctor visit went either. My own stubborn and wounded ego wasn't going to offer it up either if not asked. I'm not going to tell my wife I am experiencing mild panic attacks, crying in front of my doctor, and especially being hooked up to an EKG machine if she didn't care.
The next few days seemed to get much better, although some of her occasional comments come across as a mild irritant or back handed slap on occassion. They do sting me on the inside, and I'm very aware of what she says to who, but I try very hard not to let on and look like it bothers me. Why provide more fuel to the fire?
I'm starting to lose my train of thought here, so perhaps I'll close this entry today. It's as if my thought, while coherent in the here and now, aren't going to make sense or flow logically as I continue.
Suffice to say, I feel better today than I have the last few days, but I'm not 100% sure why. My wife and I nevere really seem to achive a resolution to our 'issues'...they just seem to keep getting shelved from time to time until one is brave enough to go on the attack, or perhaps muster enough courage and strength to put the defenses and say "Okay, take your shot now while I have a moment of actual interest to defend myself."
This medicine just wipes me out.
June 05, 2008
A new round of tests and counseling (Part II)
I met my confidant over at the church and we were able to secure a regular classroom to talk.
I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.
I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.
Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.
He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.
He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.
And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.
He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)
Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.
We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.
Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.
To be continued....
I sat across from him at a large table in grade school like chairs and removed my sun glasses. I told him to give me a minute as I needed to collect my thoughts as I really didn't have time to prepare what I was going to say. Bless his heart on his patience with me.
I decided that the best course of action, if I really wanted some 'real' advice was to give him the full skinny. A brief synopsis of the past few years. I told him about when I started to feel a personality shift within me, when things weren't always looking so rosy anymore, my ups and downs in marriage, the panic attacks, the hives, the inability to have a child, the job loss, the death of my uncle, the medication, the shrinks, the anger/confusion/abandonment feelings from God, the guilt and shame I feel when I look in the mirror, the hatred I was developing for people and situations in general, my insecurities, and finally the thoughts of 'giving-up'.
Amazingly I did it in under 10 minutes. I tried to be succinct and to maintain my composure the best I could, but it was a relief, and I sobbed.
He listened without interruption and took a few minutes himself to digest.
He then shared some of his own struggles throughout his life and shared that he also felt similar things at various times in his life. But the key he said he felt about me, and his observations on me the last months was that God didn't abandon me, nor I abandon God.....the fact was I did not feel I was worthy of God's grace and forgiveness...that I could not accept the fact that I was 'saved'...that I felt I must continually work at penance (most likely from my Catholic roots). To sum it up...I have never taken the time to forgive myself, even though Christ did. And until I came to that realization and acceptance, I would never be internally happy. If I could not feel His love and peace and accept I was forgiven, the darkness would always be present and would boil over into all facets of my life.
And the devil knows this, and uses this this to make my life miserable here on earth. He further explained that since I was already 'forgiven' and 'saved', that Satan has already lost the war on my soul, but was sure to press my buttons here in my mortal shell to always make me think I am unworthy of God's peace and grace.
He told me that I should read the book of Romans, particularly chapter 8.
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. (Romans 8: 1-2)
Our conversation lasted a total of just over an hour, and there was some quiet times, a few more tears, a lot of self introspection. Though I was still feeling bad, it was nice to unload, and to unload on someone who didn't appear to judge me, or ask me weird questions about my upbringing, mommy issues, sexual trauma, etc. I felt genuine concern and advice and care from this person. He wants to talk again in the next few days to see how I'm doing, and he gave me a book from C.S. Lewis called the 'Screwtape Letters' he wants me to read. It's a novel about two demons who plot and scheme to mess with peoples minds, and all the tricks of the trade to make us humans feel unworthy of God's love, filling our minds and hearts with doubt, self-pity, confusion, etc. I promised I would indeed read it.
We walked out together silently and he said a prayer with me.
Now the next hurdle of the day....going home and facing my wife and the rest of the night.
To be continued....
June 04, 2008
A new round of tests and counseling (Part I)
With my hives out of control (I'm now convinced that they are indeed related to my ungodly stress level) I left work early to see my doctor. Surprisingly I weighed in a bit less than I thought I was going to...a diet consisting of worry and heartache can do wonders for the waistline.
I sat in the office dreading the conversation, because I knew my chart would pull up my past medical history which would also include Lexapro & Clonzapam and sleep medication.
The nice doctor sat in front of me, took a look at my skin, took my blood pressure, asked me the standard battery of questions and decided to talk to me about stress, insomnia, and my breathing. I was of course honest. I told him I have a history of mild panic attacks. He then asked me more about my stress, (I could see what was coming next and I swore I wasn't going to tear up.) and asked if there was anything currently going on. I told him there was some problems at home, and of course my eyes began to well up. He handed me a tissue.
Then the kicker: "Do you want to hurt yourself?"...."No. Not now", I repsonded.
"Have you had sucicidal thoughts?".....I sighed very deeply..."Yes, maybe a few years back."
It just hung out there for a minute.
"Have you see a psychiatrist?"......"Yes, but in honesty....I don't think it helped. All it accomplished was making my wallet lighter."
"You need to see one again son." He handed me a pamphlet on managing stress. I had a hard time looking him in the eye at that moment. I hate those pamphlets...like some stupid tri-leaf telling me to exercise more, hang around exciting people, and talk about my problems, accented by goofy cartoon figures is gonna solve my problems.
"We want to do an EKG on you as long as you are here."
I laid back down on the table and a nurse came in and labeled my skin in various pint with diodes and what not and a machine was wheeled in to measure my heart. The test took about 5 minutes and was painless, and the doctor returned after a few to discuss the results.
"Well, it looks okay....However, I'd like to send you to another facility for a treadmill stress test. Do that and we'll talk again."
He wrote me out a perscription for some steroids for my rash and I was on my way.
I sauntered out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat down in the driver seat again for a few minutes. I could feel the warmth emmanating from my cloth seats from being in the sun and glanced again at the stress pamphlet. Just glanced and turned it over...didn't read it. I've read it 100 times before.
It's now 4:30 pm. I decide I need to talk to someone else...a confidant from my church. I give him a ring and thankfully he is home. I simply ask if he can meet me to talk. I really don't know what I want to say, but he's going to meet me in 15 minutes at our church.
I think about this for a minute, and can't help but think about it again as I sit and type out this entry.....I don't want to tell my parents....I don't want to tell my in-laws.....I don't want to talk to my childhood friends.....I don't even want to tell my wife right now (and honestly, I'm not sure she's even understand...she hasn't before, so why would today be any diffrent). Yes, I called a elder in my church to be around with for a while....possibly to vent....just some companionship really.....I just want someone to listen who isn't related and doesn't want my money for a change.
I'm off to meet him....
to be continued.....
I sat in the office dreading the conversation, because I knew my chart would pull up my past medical history which would also include Lexapro & Clonzapam and sleep medication.
The nice doctor sat in front of me, took a look at my skin, took my blood pressure, asked me the standard battery of questions and decided to talk to me about stress, insomnia, and my breathing. I was of course honest. I told him I have a history of mild panic attacks. He then asked me more about my stress, (I could see what was coming next and I swore I wasn't going to tear up.) and asked if there was anything currently going on. I told him there was some problems at home, and of course my eyes began to well up. He handed me a tissue.
Then the kicker: "Do you want to hurt yourself?"...."No. Not now", I repsonded.
"Have you had sucicidal thoughts?".....I sighed very deeply..."Yes, maybe a few years back."
It just hung out there for a minute.
"Have you see a psychiatrist?"......"Yes, but in honesty....I don't think it helped. All it accomplished was making my wallet lighter."
"You need to see one again son." He handed me a pamphlet on managing stress. I had a hard time looking him in the eye at that moment. I hate those pamphlets...like some stupid tri-leaf telling me to exercise more, hang around exciting people, and talk about my problems, accented by goofy cartoon figures is gonna solve my problems.
"We want to do an EKG on you as long as you are here."
I laid back down on the table and a nurse came in and labeled my skin in various pint with diodes and what not and a machine was wheeled in to measure my heart. The test took about 5 minutes and was painless, and the doctor returned after a few to discuss the results.
"Well, it looks okay....However, I'd like to send you to another facility for a treadmill stress test. Do that and we'll talk again."
He wrote me out a perscription for some steroids for my rash and I was on my way.
I sauntered out to the parking lot where my car was and just sat down in the driver seat again for a few minutes. I could feel the warmth emmanating from my cloth seats from being in the sun and glanced again at the stress pamphlet. Just glanced and turned it over...didn't read it. I've read it 100 times before.
It's now 4:30 pm. I decide I need to talk to someone else...a confidant from my church. I give him a ring and thankfully he is home. I simply ask if he can meet me to talk. I really don't know what I want to say, but he's going to meet me in 15 minutes at our church.
I think about this for a minute, and can't help but think about it again as I sit and type out this entry.....I don't want to tell my parents....I don't want to tell my in-laws.....I don't want to talk to my childhood friends.....I don't even want to tell my wife right now (and honestly, I'm not sure she's even understand...she hasn't before, so why would today be any diffrent). Yes, I called a elder in my church to be around with for a while....possibly to vent....just some companionship really.....I just want someone to listen who isn't related and doesn't want my money for a change.
I'm off to meet him....
to be continued.....
June 03, 2008
A new low
I'm taking a break from by child rearing and infant related posts for a few days because it appears I have taken a major step back in both my relationship with my wife, my struggles with spirituality, and my health.
First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.
When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.
Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.
Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.
My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.
This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.
My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?
I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.
Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.
Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.
First my health: Years ago before I started seeking medical help for what I was concluding was depression, one of the other symptoms I was experiencing was a tightening in my chest, a difficulty of both swallowing and breathing, and an overall restless and fidgety feeling. At times it could be somewhat very uncomfortable and borderline painful. The pain seems to center just behind my sternum and feels like someone is squeezing a ball within my chest. I tried to hide my discomfort from both family and friends, and at first thinking I was just having a very bad case of indigestion...but there was never any gas or burning reflux associated with it.
When I had my blood pressure taken, it was a bit high despite a well balanced diet and considerable exercise. In short I came to learn that a certain amount of stress was leading to mild to intermediate level panic attacks. They could come at any time: at rest or at work, eating or not....A sense of dire urgency would rush over my system and almost leave me incapacitated. The quick cure was sedatives, or more commonly pills which I am to take when I sense an onset to help calm me down. The doctor was a bit concerend about my high blood pressure despite relatively normal blood panels. I was a time bomb ticking...and on rare occasion still am. I came to learn that certain triggers also mirrored my mental stability and my onset of depression.
Well, those feelings of anxiety have returned again recently. I have had a few 'mild' experiences over the past two weeks, enough so where I have taken a few pills to try and relax.
Another side effect of stress is that I develop hives. Very inflamatory hives over the surface of my body. I have seen a regular doctor, a dermatologist, a blood specialist, and finally an allergist. I have biopsies of my skin taken, blood drawn, full panel allergy tests and they all come back with nothing out of the ordinary. A medicine cocktail of Predisone, Zyrtec, Benadryl, Ratadine, and anti itch cream is the general course of action. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don't.
My wife is very angry with me again too, and to be honest, I seriously don't know why. I personally thought I was doing her a favor the other day, actually going out of my way for her to do do something that I thought she'd appreciate. Well, not only was it not appreciated, which was a surprise, it landed me in the doghouse, in my own house where I was read the riot act. The riot act was peppered with strong language and I'll admit that not only was I stunned and speechless, I couldn't get a word in edge wise even if I wanted to. I tried, but she wasn't listening. She didn't want to listen. Her mind was made up on something that was not true and even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be able to explain it away to her. I really fought the temptation to get mad and rage right back. I can only sit there for so long getting raked over the coals and not be expected to say something in my defense. There was even a brief second my anger was mounting so high, I may have taken a swing at her and I'm ashamed at that. Despite my crying and sensitive nature, I am a big guy and there is no doubt I could hurt someone physically if I don't keep myself in check.
This makes me terribly sad and hurt. More hurt that I can put into words right now and perhaps a factor in why my hives and rash are so out of control right now. I have no outlet for my pain and grief and frustration other than my tears and teh strength of God almighty....but I'll be honest....I don't think God is particularly listening to me right now. We are taught that God never abandons us, never leaves if we call, that He is only a prayer away. I'm ashamed to say to right now that I feel as if He is taking a smoke break when I call upon Him. As if I leave a message at the heavenly switchboard and it just get erased or never passed on.
My wife has pretty much banned me from speaking with her parents and sister regarding 'our' issues, and more or less wishes I didn't speak to my parents as well. That would be opening up yet another pandoras box in her eyes and the ire is unmistakenable. But Heck, she doesn't want to listen to me and I really have no one else to vent to, which tends to just make my problems fester and be contained within myself and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I sit and feel I have no one to go to, lest I seek a counsler at $100+ dollars an hour just to tell me I may have 'mommy' issues. I've asked my wife to go to marriage counseling with me, but she has flat out said no. I feel as I am trapped at times, with a person who says she loves me and occasionally does show her affection....but its very few and far apart. There is much more bad than good right now, and it hurts me so much to know how much I love a person and I feel that as if she takes me for granted the majority of the time. It seems I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I can't help but wonder if my whole marriage will be like this from here on out. It hasn't even been 5 years. Can I go another 5? 10? A lifetime on being on the shortend of the stick no matter what I try and do?
I've also been told that marriage is sacred, a holy contract. I've been taught that God only gives us so much as we can handle. I'm really starting to question these things. Both my physical and mental health are constantly in flux or beaten down. My will to please and to sacrifice anymore is rapidly depleting. My emotional tank is depleting fast. I don't think my wife loves me the way she used to or said she did years ago. I am tired of being so alone and not being able to talk to anyone except strangers who want to charge me money I don't have the luxury of spending.
Right now I feel at an all time low, and quiet frankly my life, my marriage, my sanity.....they all suck...and that's a mild word of how I am actually feeling. I look back at my life right now and I am despretly trying to locate the timeframe where everything began going south. I can't find it.
Seriously, I hate my life right now. I truly, unequivically HATE my existance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)