Perspective

I got up early this morning, no real reason why, but my eyes popped open for the final time just after 5am.  I don't like that, seeing that I easily have at least another hour to hour and a half before I really have to get up.

At the urging of my dog, I made my way downstairs at about 5:20 and fed him...an hour early.  I made myself some coffee and tried to straighten up the kitchen a tad.  I even found time to watch a little recorded TV before I made my way out the door.

I was super hungry this morning, so I decided to hit Del Taco and get another cup of coffee and a breakfast burrito, and I kept thinking about this evening.....looking forward to hanging out with my dog, doing a nature hike, meeting some new people while hanging with Rex and his wife.

Mid meal, I got a text message from another friend....

A mutual friend of ours, Joe, well his elderly father passed away early this morning.  I never met Joe's father, but Joe and I have been friends for about 8 years.  Joe's a bit older than me, probably late 40's and I know he has an older sister, so I can only guestimate that his father was maybe in his 70's?  Not exactly sure, but as far as I know, he was healthy.

My own father turns 68 this upcoming Monday, May 7th.

I have no idea what I will do when my father (or mother for that matter) passes.  It's becoming a reality to me however, that my parents life is past the 1/2 way mark, and they have become incredibly close to me this past year, especially my father.  My father knows that I have a delicate psyche, that I am soft and emotional, but I know he loves me so much as does my mom.

The good news is that both my parents are saved and I have no doubt that they will be with Jesus someday, but that doesn't make it much easier for me.

A feeling of loneliness hit me at Del Taco (don't laugh, eben though it does sound funny). 

I was sitting there alone this morning, eating breakfast b myself, after leaving my house, that I live in....by myself.  I have no brothers or sisters.  I have no biological children, only a 20 year step-daughter who only within the last couple of years started to call me day....but now doesn't live with me anylonger.  I have a soon to be ex-wife, and I wonder about the legacy I will leave here on this planet.

What if my dad passes unexpectedly in the next year or so?  Or my mom?  I am just now re-discovering my inner self, and I know right now I am fragile.  The Lexapro barely helps and I can't even imagine dealing with death and the sense of loss.  I already know I'm going to have to be put on tranquilizers when my dog eventually passes, so I can't even imagine my own parents.

Not to belittle anything, but like I said I haven't even met Joe's dad, and I'm crying for him this morning.  I don't even know how to reach out to Joe right now, let alone respond to the text from our friend.  I'm incredibly sad right now and it's put a damper on my day as I yet again I turn inward and think about my life.