I recently joined Facebook, a social networking site supposedly geared more to adults than MySpace is. I've seen MySpace before, and I don't particularly care for it. It's just a jumble of random color schemes, music blurbs, and juvenile teen-speak.
MySpace debuted prior to Facebook, and it became the mouthpiece for the whole 15-20 year old crowd, of course there are adults on there as well....and I would imagine many are on there posing as someone they are actually not. A very scary place in cyberspace with adult predators, damaged children, very little monitoring, etc. I actually detest it. I could go on and on about the negatives of MySpce, but that's not what this post is about.
Facebook is the more mature brother to MySpace....where more adults gravitate too, and the conversations and blurbs have a bit more substance without as much vulgarity.
However, I have mixed thoughts on Facebook as well. My wife is addicted to it.....dangerously so. Not that I worry about her 'cheating' on me, but she, like so many others begin to develop an unhealthy addiction to it that it begins to replace actual face-to-face conversations. Just like texting with cellphones....I don't get the point. If you're holding a phone in yoru hand, why not just call? Why would you use a phone to type a message and wait for a reply? Why not 'talk' to the person. I recently heard an interview with various therapists who also warn about teh dangers of this trend....more and more people are not actually talking to each other anymore. Conversations are being chipped down to basic words that fly back and forth in the ether and we as humans are losing are ability to look people in the eye...to read facial expressions, to share 'real' experiences and so on. Everything is becoming snippets, and things of course get lost in translation.
One of my best friends says the same thing. His wife, since introduced to Facebook, is on it all the time, which robs him and her of their relationship together. He hates these social sites and refuses to join.
For a long time I agreed with him, and felt the same way.
Until I looked over my wifes shoulder and discovered I could search for many a lost friend. Before I knew it, I had my own profile created and within minutes had found friends I hadn't seen in over 20-25 years. Elementary schools chums, high school buddies, ex-girlfriends, college fraternity brothers.
Today I have about 60 friends on my 'friends' list....and you know what? My wife isn't listed as one of them. I haven't asked her, and she hasn't asked me. In a way...it may not be a bad idea, but it does still strike me strange that we haven't asked each other to be on our respective social lists. Maybe we need to protect our privacy even in cyberspace. In all honesty, I'm kinda glad she doesn't 'check up' on me...I have had a few ex-girlfriends write me, and while they have been completly innocent, the potential of bringing up the past has been a concern of mine...something I tip-toe around quite a bit. As a matter of fact, this past weekend I had an ex-girlfriend write me which took me by surprise (I'm ashamed to say I forgot about her), and then added in a comment that in regards to my picture "You look great, but then again...you were always easy on the eyes." Of course it was a nice compliment and I'm flattered, but it's nothing I want to share or explain to my wife who this person is, was, or anything else for that matter. Sometimes it's good to have certain chapters in life to be closed....for good.
The one true blessing so far is a college roommate of mine who I haven't seen or spoke to since '93 contacted me. That's 15 years since we last spoke to each other, and I had the opportunity to share with him my testimony of re-discovering God and Christ a few years ago due to some comment I posted. We were able to speak on the phone yesterday for the first time in 15 years. We spoke for about 30 minutes....until he was cut short due to a family manner. We rehashed the past for a bit, and he paid me quite a few compliments as how he remembered me and how he thought I was the one guy 'who had it all together and make something of his life'.
Now that I am in the Lord, I don't have much to hide, and I told him about my issues the last few years.....the depression, the anxiety, the drugs, the emotions, the thoughts of death. He was both shocked and happy....happy that I am now a Christian, for he too became one a few years back as well. He told me about his lows and issues as well and how he came to know the Lord. A far cry since our college days living as modern day Romans.
We were able to share our testimonies with each other, and our frienship seemed like it was as alive today as it was all those years ago, but now we have something else in common....Christ as our savior...and I suppose I need to thank Facebook for bringing us back together.
January 26, 2009
January 13, 2009
Nothing new to report
Fortunately, I wasn't laid off last week, but that doesn't mean I'm in the clear. Our company did release some temporary workers, how many...I'm not sure...and it appears at least for the time being any additional layoffs may be on hold for at least a month, maybe two.
So I suppose I have some breathing room for the time being, and this little mini-scare I had last week had me once again cinching up the old financial belt. Money right now is going directly to debt and the neccessities, such as food and gas. Once again, I fear that any hopes of a real vacation may be dashed as I look around and see so many others right now facing economic hardships.
I'm not sure why, but I didn't go to church this past weekend. I got up early and intended to go, but once again like what happened a few weeks back, the closer it got time to leave....the more I just sat struggling within and making excuses to enjoy a cup of coffee and solitude.
I've been think of 'R' lately and haven't found the courage to call his ex-fiance up to see how she's doing. Maybe I'll call this weekend and make it a point to bring my dog over to play with her and R's dog as an excuse.
Getting back to the unemployment thing again....only now that that particular episode is over do I recognize the enemy was using my own insecurities and fears against me. I let the rumors rob me of piece of mind, and for those few days I made myself physically uncomfortable for nothing. I worried and panicked and stressed, for what? Too bad this is a life lesson I constantly fail at learning anything.
So I suppose I have some breathing room for the time being, and this little mini-scare I had last week had me once again cinching up the old financial belt. Money right now is going directly to debt and the neccessities, such as food and gas. Once again, I fear that any hopes of a real vacation may be dashed as I look around and see so many others right now facing economic hardships.
I'm not sure why, but I didn't go to church this past weekend. I got up early and intended to go, but once again like what happened a few weeks back, the closer it got time to leave....the more I just sat struggling within and making excuses to enjoy a cup of coffee and solitude.
I've been think of 'R' lately and haven't found the courage to call his ex-fiance up to see how she's doing. Maybe I'll call this weekend and make it a point to bring my dog over to play with her and R's dog as an excuse.
Getting back to the unemployment thing again....only now that that particular episode is over do I recognize the enemy was using my own insecurities and fears against me. I let the rumors rob me of piece of mind, and for those few days I made myself physically uncomfortable for nothing. I worried and panicked and stressed, for what? Too bad this is a life lesson I constantly fail at learning anything.
January 07, 2009
An uncertain tomorrow
It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows; for so He gives His beloved sleep. (Psalm 127:2)
I guess I've been feeling petty vain the last few days then. I've been up both late and rising early, my stress feels tangible inside as the knots behind my sternum have been present the last few days.
Today is Wed., and there are very strong rumors that my company (that I've now been with for 1.5 years) is going to lay off people tomorrow. They have already done two smaller rounds prior to the holidays in which about 40 people (out of our 700 or so) were let go and I felt very bad for them. As someone who was laid off a few years back and struggled to find a new job that actually paid me some respect and granted me an 'okay' salary, it's not a situation I am too eager to repeat anytime soon.
The problem now is that a coworker planted a seed in my head the other day that was innocent in nature, but began to fester within my being into something that's been now robbing me of my sleep and focus. It got so bad at one point last night that I was seriously thinking of popping a Clonzapen or having a stiff drink. In the end I did neither. I was able to find an older resume of mine however and spent some time updating it in perhaps a knee-jerk reaction and posted it to Monster.com last night. I think I'll have to spend a little bit more time in tweaking it and re posting it so it looks a little better.
Anyway, the rumored day for the layoff is tomorrow, Thursday, and I wouldn't be lying if I wasn't scared. My wife and I are not in a financial place right now where losing my job is going to be easy by any means. As a matter of fact we curtailed our usual Christmas spending way back and even informed loved ones not to expect much from us this year. We haven't gone to many places as of late or done any fixups about the house. Yeah, it's been a bit tight this year.
I took the chance to speak with my current boss yesterday to 'feel out' the situation, and like the master poker player he says he's not, didn't reveal one iota of information. For every positive thing he may have alluded to, there was an equal not so positive thing to balance it. Needless to say, I didn't feel much better afterwards and perhaps a few more questions were raised inside my head about my future and my career than when I first walked in.
Tomorrow is payday, and it may or may not be my last check with the company, but I guess I'll know within the next 34 hours (from when I write this).
But what plagues me just as much of the uncertainty of my job is the uncertainty of my faith and trust in the Lord. Once again, I have allowed the enemy to steal any peace, joy, and calmness in my life and replaced it with stress, anxiety, frustration, etc. All this flies in direct opposition in which Christ asks us to trust in Him, to turn over all burdens to Him, to not worry about the future for He will provide and take care of all His children.
Thank you Lord for keeping your future promises to us despite my own inability to sometimes to accept them on faith alone. Your will be done, and if it is not good news for me tomorrow, please let me have learned from the previous time on how to handle things in my life.
I guess I've been feeling petty vain the last few days then. I've been up both late and rising early, my stress feels tangible inside as the knots behind my sternum have been present the last few days.
Today is Wed., and there are very strong rumors that my company (that I've now been with for 1.5 years) is going to lay off people tomorrow. They have already done two smaller rounds prior to the holidays in which about 40 people (out of our 700 or so) were let go and I felt very bad for them. As someone who was laid off a few years back and struggled to find a new job that actually paid me some respect and granted me an 'okay' salary, it's not a situation I am too eager to repeat anytime soon.
The problem now is that a coworker planted a seed in my head the other day that was innocent in nature, but began to fester within my being into something that's been now robbing me of my sleep and focus. It got so bad at one point last night that I was seriously thinking of popping a Clonzapen or having a stiff drink. In the end I did neither. I was able to find an older resume of mine however and spent some time updating it in perhaps a knee-jerk reaction and posted it to Monster.com last night. I think I'll have to spend a little bit more time in tweaking it and re posting it so it looks a little better.
Anyway, the rumored day for the layoff is tomorrow, Thursday, and I wouldn't be lying if I wasn't scared. My wife and I are not in a financial place right now where losing my job is going to be easy by any means. As a matter of fact we curtailed our usual Christmas spending way back and even informed loved ones not to expect much from us this year. We haven't gone to many places as of late or done any fixups about the house. Yeah, it's been a bit tight this year.
I took the chance to speak with my current boss yesterday to 'feel out' the situation, and like the master poker player he says he's not, didn't reveal one iota of information. For every positive thing he may have alluded to, there was an equal not so positive thing to balance it. Needless to say, I didn't feel much better afterwards and perhaps a few more questions were raised inside my head about my future and my career than when I first walked in.
Tomorrow is payday, and it may or may not be my last check with the company, but I guess I'll know within the next 34 hours (from when I write this).
But what plagues me just as much of the uncertainty of my job is the uncertainty of my faith and trust in the Lord. Once again, I have allowed the enemy to steal any peace, joy, and calmness in my life and replaced it with stress, anxiety, frustration, etc. All this flies in direct opposition in which Christ asks us to trust in Him, to turn over all burdens to Him, to not worry about the future for He will provide and take care of all His children.
Thank you Lord for keeping your future promises to us despite my own inability to sometimes to accept them on faith alone. Your will be done, and if it is not good news for me tomorrow, please let me have learned from the previous time on how to handle things in my life.
December 22, 2008
A little of this and that.
Finally after a two week self-imposed hiatus, I went to church yesterday and it was just what I needed.
The previous two weeks have been a bit stressful and emotionally taxing for me. I lost a friend, my wife informed me that she can't buy presents until after Christmas because she's broke...again... (which made me a bit frustrated, disapointed, and angry) . We're hosting Christmas Eve at my house this year and I'm doing all the cooking, it's been raining a lot (today again) and it's so hard to keep everything clean, and lastly my company is scheduled to layoff yet more people on January 8th (in which there is a chance I may be going).
Very stressful and taxing. I caught myself crying in solitude again on Friday. I just get sooo tired of everything and everyone some times.
I cleaned the house so much yesterday and all I asked my wife to do was to mop the kitchen and dining room in which she said she would, twice, and still never did it. She got testy with me when I didn't clean up a pot I had been using which kinda floored me, seeing that I spent half the day cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, wrapping presesnts, etc., but I bit my tongue and cleaned it anway. And she still never mopped. Eh, but I'll stop the complaining here.
As I was originally saying, I went to church with an open heart and mind because I had an inner desire for my souls thirst to be quenched. My pastor spoke about the history of Christmas from a biblical perspective and my eyes were opened it seemed for the first time. All my previous conceptions of Christmas were shattered as after my 30+ years on this planet did I learn that the wise men numbered more than 3. That they most likely visited Jesus the first time when he was actually 2 years old (not a baby in a manger as all Hallmark cards and nativity scenes indicate). That Myrrh was an embalming spice. That Herod despite being named 'King of the Jews' was not a direct descendant of David. Anyway, it was very historically based and now makes me see things in a whole new light. I was pretty excited, and for the first time in many years I didn't mind singing.
I have two more days of work this week, this being one of them, and then I'm off until January 5th. We'll see if I'm laid off on the 8th though. Please pray for me that I can make it through the Holiday's with love and understanding and compassion and pateience with my wife and family and continually remember what 'Christmas' is all about and not what the world has turned it into the last few years.
The previous two weeks have been a bit stressful and emotionally taxing for me. I lost a friend, my wife informed me that she can't buy presents until after Christmas because she's broke...again... (which made me a bit frustrated, disapointed, and angry) . We're hosting Christmas Eve at my house this year and I'm doing all the cooking, it's been raining a lot (today again) and it's so hard to keep everything clean, and lastly my company is scheduled to layoff yet more people on January 8th (in which there is a chance I may be going).
Very stressful and taxing. I caught myself crying in solitude again on Friday. I just get sooo tired of everything and everyone some times.
I cleaned the house so much yesterday and all I asked my wife to do was to mop the kitchen and dining room in which she said she would, twice, and still never did it. She got testy with me when I didn't clean up a pot I had been using which kinda floored me, seeing that I spent half the day cleaning the house, laundry, grocery shopping, wrapping presesnts, etc., but I bit my tongue and cleaned it anway. And she still never mopped. Eh, but I'll stop the complaining here.
As I was originally saying, I went to church with an open heart and mind because I had an inner desire for my souls thirst to be quenched. My pastor spoke about the history of Christmas from a biblical perspective and my eyes were opened it seemed for the first time. All my previous conceptions of Christmas were shattered as after my 30+ years on this planet did I learn that the wise men numbered more than 3. That they most likely visited Jesus the first time when he was actually 2 years old (not a baby in a manger as all Hallmark cards and nativity scenes indicate). That Myrrh was an embalming spice. That Herod despite being named 'King of the Jews' was not a direct descendant of David. Anyway, it was very historically based and now makes me see things in a whole new light. I was pretty excited, and for the first time in many years I didn't mind singing.
I have two more days of work this week, this being one of them, and then I'm off until January 5th. We'll see if I'm laid off on the 8th though. Please pray for me that I can make it through the Holiday's with love and understanding and compassion and pateience with my wife and family and continually remember what 'Christmas' is all about and not what the world has turned it into the last few years.
December 18, 2008
Pastor Rick Warren is Obama's Inaugural Choice
Imagine my surprise today when I was glancing at the news and came across this story. It appears that president elect Obama has chosen influenetial christian minister Rick Warren to give his inaugural invocation come this January.
I was surprised because this is the first I heard about myself, someone who generally reads the news throughout the day and apparently I somehow missed this.
My initial gut reaction was "Oh, Obama....you're slick. This is very politically savvy by trying to appease many of the right-wing conservative evangelicals, and a sure way to soften their stance towards you." Meaning, I smell a little duplicity here on Obama's part. Shrewd and masterful.
But then I beagn to read the story (and I suggest you do as well) and got to thinking about the recent assault on Christmas as a holiday from non-beleivers, and the anti-religious protesting in California over the passing of Prop. 8, and I then I thought to myself "well, God is finally gonna let 'us' win one here." Actually, that's the wrong concept if I take a larger look at everything, but it's nice to see that God is once again reminding people He's still out there.
However, by reading the story, it's important to note how much flak religion, and especially Christainity is getting from the left. It actually saddens me to a certain extent that Obama is now being criticized by those in his own party that think Warren "is not consistent with mainstream American values." What? Are you kidding me? The man who gives and gives and gives and leads such an exemplarly life (reaching out to poor, those infected with HIV/AIDS, etc.) is now being trodden upon as in conflict with with mainstream values? Some of the things that Kathryn Kolbert alludes to in being 'deeply dissapointed' at Warren's pick turns around and now dissapoints me. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the ultra liberal left really wants to destroy America from within, and nothing...and I mean nothing will please them until religion is erradicated from our country.
Some of the points in the article citing Warren's stance on abortion and gay rights and what these people have to say about it are troubling for me. All I can do is pray for pastor Warren, president-elect Obama, and this country as a whole. What is going on here in 2008? When did we become such a country of hate and anti-religion all of a sudden? Is this what we can expect for the next 4-8 years? Sadly, I think so and at least it appears to this blogger that the battle lines for our salvation are becoming bolder and more evident that ever and it scares me. It really does. It goes back to my paranoia that the end is coming sooner than later.
Please Father, have mercy on us all. We are so undeserving of your grace.
I was surprised because this is the first I heard about myself, someone who generally reads the news throughout the day and apparently I somehow missed this.
My initial gut reaction was "Oh, Obama....you're slick. This is very politically savvy by trying to appease many of the right-wing conservative evangelicals, and a sure way to soften their stance towards you." Meaning, I smell a little duplicity here on Obama's part. Shrewd and masterful.
But then I beagn to read the story (and I suggest you do as well) and got to thinking about the recent assault on Christmas as a holiday from non-beleivers, and the anti-religious protesting in California over the passing of Prop. 8, and I then I thought to myself "well, God is finally gonna let 'us' win one here." Actually, that's the wrong concept if I take a larger look at everything, but it's nice to see that God is once again reminding people He's still out there.
However, by reading the story, it's important to note how much flak religion, and especially Christainity is getting from the left. It actually saddens me to a certain extent that Obama is now being criticized by those in his own party that think Warren "is not consistent with mainstream American values." What? Are you kidding me? The man who gives and gives and gives and leads such an exemplarly life (reaching out to poor, those infected with HIV/AIDS, etc.) is now being trodden upon as in conflict with with mainstream values? Some of the things that Kathryn Kolbert alludes to in being 'deeply dissapointed' at Warren's pick turns around and now dissapoints me. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the ultra liberal left really wants to destroy America from within, and nothing...and I mean nothing will please them until religion is erradicated from our country.
Some of the points in the article citing Warren's stance on abortion and gay rights and what these people have to say about it are troubling for me. All I can do is pray for pastor Warren, president-elect Obama, and this country as a whole. What is going on here in 2008? When did we become such a country of hate and anti-religion all of a sudden? Is this what we can expect for the next 4-8 years? Sadly, I think so and at least it appears to this blogger that the battle lines for our salvation are becoming bolder and more evident that ever and it scares me. It really does. It goes back to my paranoia that the end is coming sooner than later.
Please Father, have mercy on us all. We are so undeserving of your grace.
December 17, 2008
A week until Christmas...and I'm just not feeling it.
....For all the wrong reasons no less.
Only with the addition of the rain the last two days has it reminded me that the highest holiday of the year is next week, and the best thing I've been looking forward to? Shamefully, the fact that I will have 12 days off in a row, returning to work on January 5th, 2009.
Christmas shopping for gifts has been scaled way back this year. My wife and I agreed that I would buy for my family, and she would buy for hers. It's a bit tough to admit at first that this year the gift giving is much smaller than it was in years past, but in a way I'm also glad we came to this agreement.....especially as I see the mounting bills and I've been stressing a bit about how we are going to pay them.
It also paigned me to make it very clear to my family so there was no hurt feeling or surprises that we would indeed be scaling back. In addition to our limited gifts, I have decided to host a Christmas dinner. Despite all my other flaws, nuances, and scattered emotions...one thing my family (and my wife) can agree on...is that I am a damn good cook.
Decoration around our house are a bit sparse too. When I was growing up, my parents always had a nice big tree even though there was only the three of us. My mom used to bake a lot as well, so the smell of banana date bread or sugar cookies often permeated our home. We used to watch Christmas specials on television, and combined, these things used to get me in the Christmas spirit.
Well we have a very small (2' tall) fake tree on a stand in our living room (because of space limitations and the dog) so all my beautiful ornaments once again remain in storage. My wife did put some nice garland on our banister and I decorated the outside trim with lights, but lacking are all the cards by the fireplace, the wreath, the smell of sweet cookies or bread, or most anything else Christmas.
My wife as of this past weekend hasn't started her shopping, and I have mixed feelings about this. I feel bad to a certain extent that she has limited funds and in a slight mode of worry on what to buy people (if she even will), but on the other hand she's had all year to plan for this, put away money, get her priorities in line...and instead she didn't. Like so many other frustrating moments I bite my tongue over she has opted to spend any disposable income she has on her Monday night bowling escapades and the rental of a storage unit she was supposed to down-grade to a cheaper, smaller unit almost 6 months ago. As much as it bothers me, I can't control her or tell her what to do....If I do...it's nagging and controlling. But I can't continue to bail her out anymore. It kills me a little more each time when I see her credit card statements come in each month and they just seem to get worse and worse (she finally gave me both cards and we closed one account altogther...I have the other card in my wallet for emergencies...but we'll never use it.)
Getting back to Christmas....even my work cancelled it's annual department potluck and we didn't even string lights up this year (last year our department looked like a poor mans disco....but at least we had some decorations). In speaking with neighbors and friends, no one is really having any holiday parties either. We did attend one almost two weeks ago which was pretty fun, but's thats the only one. My wife and I are attempting a potluck at our house this Saturday with a $5-10 gift exchange, but so far the response rate is pretty slim.
And how do I plan on spending my 12 days off? I may have to force myself to drive us somewhere outside and take the dog, otherwise all I had planned was watching some movies on dvd, playing some games, finishing a novel, and going to the gym. Nothing fancy....we just can't afford it.
And there is still the recent passing of 'R' looming over us as well. I know my wife was sad again last night...I guess she spoke with the ex-fiance who is flying out today and is also writing the obituary. It's hard to celebrate when a friend has died. I can imagine how difficult it is for families who lose someone close to Christmas as well.
Also there's the religious aspect or lack of religion as of late. Is it me, or does it seem like every atheist group came out of the woodwork the last month? I just feel so much more of an assault on Christmas this year as opposed to previous years it really has me concerned.
No, it's just not feeling like Christmas to me and it bother me the more I think about it.
Only with the addition of the rain the last two days has it reminded me that the highest holiday of the year is next week, and the best thing I've been looking forward to? Shamefully, the fact that I will have 12 days off in a row, returning to work on January 5th, 2009.
Christmas shopping for gifts has been scaled way back this year. My wife and I agreed that I would buy for my family, and she would buy for hers. It's a bit tough to admit at first that this year the gift giving is much smaller than it was in years past, but in a way I'm also glad we came to this agreement.....especially as I see the mounting bills and I've been stressing a bit about how we are going to pay them.
It also paigned me to make it very clear to my family so there was no hurt feeling or surprises that we would indeed be scaling back. In addition to our limited gifts, I have decided to host a Christmas dinner. Despite all my other flaws, nuances, and scattered emotions...one thing my family (and my wife) can agree on...is that I am a damn good cook.
Decoration around our house are a bit sparse too. When I was growing up, my parents always had a nice big tree even though there was only the three of us. My mom used to bake a lot as well, so the smell of banana date bread or sugar cookies often permeated our home. We used to watch Christmas specials on television, and combined, these things used to get me in the Christmas spirit.
Well we have a very small (2' tall) fake tree on a stand in our living room (because of space limitations and the dog) so all my beautiful ornaments once again remain in storage. My wife did put some nice garland on our banister and I decorated the outside trim with lights, but lacking are all the cards by the fireplace, the wreath, the smell of sweet cookies or bread, or most anything else Christmas.
My wife as of this past weekend hasn't started her shopping, and I have mixed feelings about this. I feel bad to a certain extent that she has limited funds and in a slight mode of worry on what to buy people (if she even will), but on the other hand she's had all year to plan for this, put away money, get her priorities in line...and instead she didn't. Like so many other frustrating moments I bite my tongue over she has opted to spend any disposable income she has on her Monday night bowling escapades and the rental of a storage unit she was supposed to down-grade to a cheaper, smaller unit almost 6 months ago. As much as it bothers me, I can't control her or tell her what to do....If I do...it's nagging and controlling. But I can't continue to bail her out anymore. It kills me a little more each time when I see her credit card statements come in each month and they just seem to get worse and worse (she finally gave me both cards and we closed one account altogther...I have the other card in my wallet for emergencies...but we'll never use it.)
Getting back to Christmas....even my work cancelled it's annual department potluck and we didn't even string lights up this year (last year our department looked like a poor mans disco....but at least we had some decorations). In speaking with neighbors and friends, no one is really having any holiday parties either. We did attend one almost two weeks ago which was pretty fun, but's thats the only one. My wife and I are attempting a potluck at our house this Saturday with a $5-10 gift exchange, but so far the response rate is pretty slim.
And how do I plan on spending my 12 days off? I may have to force myself to drive us somewhere outside and take the dog, otherwise all I had planned was watching some movies on dvd, playing some games, finishing a novel, and going to the gym. Nothing fancy....we just can't afford it.
And there is still the recent passing of 'R' looming over us as well. I know my wife was sad again last night...I guess she spoke with the ex-fiance who is flying out today and is also writing the obituary. It's hard to celebrate when a friend has died. I can imagine how difficult it is for families who lose someone close to Christmas as well.
Also there's the religious aspect or lack of religion as of late. Is it me, or does it seem like every atheist group came out of the woodwork the last month? I just feel so much more of an assault on Christmas this year as opposed to previous years it really has me concerned.
No, it's just not feeling like Christmas to me and it bother me the more I think about it.
December 15, 2008
Passing of a friend
With much sadness in my heart, I'm sorry to say that my friend 'R' expired this past Friday, December the 12th. He was 32 years old.
I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).
I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.
The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.
By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.
Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.
I really don't know what to say about this. I definetely have mixed emotions on the whole situation on whether it may have been a good thing (the emotional and physical toll on taking pills daily for your transplanted liver and depression that will never leave) or a bad thing (loss of a friend, giving up, anger towards others and even myself who may have done more but didn't).
I didn't go to church on Sunday. I haven't been feeling all that 'pious' lately. I pray on my own off and on throughout the days. Part of my mind wants to talk to have a discussion with God about all this, and at another moment I think I'm making excuses as to not think about it at all.
The ex-fiance is flying out for services that are coming up on the 20th. I haven't spoken with her yet, but my wife says she spoke with her late Friday and is 'okay' but it's all a front and perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet.
By accident, I was going through some pictures on my computer over the weekend, looking for the 'right' picture of my dog when I came across quite a few with 'R' and my dog. I'm debating whether to print them out or not and give them to the fiance.
Other than that, I'm kinda have no emotions right now myself.
December 12, 2008
Still no news
It's been about 25 -26 hours since I first heard the news regarding my friend 'R', and unfortunately I have nothing new to report.
Last night my wife worked late and I heard her come in around 10:30pm or so. I was upstairs fiddling around and it was fairly quiet. After waiting about 15 minutes or so for my wife to say something I went ahead and walked down stairs where she was aimlessly trying to straighten up the kitchen. I figure it was just something out of habit to do with keeping busy or moving her hands as I noticed her placing perfectly clean dishes into the dishwasher.
I looked at her face and could tell she had been crying. I don't see my wife cry very often. People often say I'm the sensitive person in the family and she's the rock (which is true depending on the circumstance).
I asked her what was the matter, and after a very long pause (as if she was collecting her thoughts) she spilled out a torrent of repetitive sentences "How do I help her? What can I do?", clearly referencing her friend, the ex-fiance of R.
The best I could do is allow her to talk, to open up, to continue to spill....not to interrupt and make all those stupid cliches I despised so much some time back. Finally, when she took a breath I attempted to counsel her that her involvement right now is one of prayer. As human beings, we want to fix things ourselves, often leaving God and Christ by the wayside. Her girlfriend is very distraught as I expected and has already began blaming herself, and my wife is frustrated that she doesn't know what to do.
I tried to explain her friend probably would be oblivious to any advice we can give her, or any forced interjection on our behalf. Let her go through the natural stages of emotions over the next few days and the only thing we can do is to let her know she can talk to us when she is willing, ready, and able. That the best we can do is let her know that we will be praying...not only for 'R', but that that she has peace of mind and an inner strength. I told my wife if she couldn't think of anything to do or say right now, then turn to God and ask Him to use her as a vessel and she'll know in her heart what her actions should be. Ask Christ to walk with you and be with you when you see your friend. It's not the two of you tackling this problem by yourselves, its you with the addition of Christ. Before you pick up the phone, before you drive over to her house, before you see her...PRAY. Pray that God fills you with wisdom, and even if you don't understand or recognize it now, that He will make Himself known to those that need and seek strength and courage.
I truly think it's the enemy telling us "Ha! Look at you now. Where is your God in the midst of this tragedy. He has abandoned you and you are failing as a friend." NOT SO. Pray that the chains of oppression and guilt and lack of worth are overcome. Man, I wish I could take my own advice at times.
We finally went to bed at around 11:30pm after she did much of the discussing and I did much of the listening. I held her hand in bed for at least 20 minutes to let her know I was there, and that I am praying...not only for R, but for my wife and R's ex-fiance.
In a very rare moment, my wife told me (and in the first time in a long time I believed her) that she loved me, and she rubbed my back for a moment.
Today I called her at work and asked if she had heard any more news. She hadn't. And neither have I. My attempts at calls have been met with endless ringing or answering machines and I'm sure we are in for another evening of awkwardness as it's hard to relax and be social with others on a Friday evening when you want to know how your friends are doing, especially when one is in R's condition.
Last night my wife worked late and I heard her come in around 10:30pm or so. I was upstairs fiddling around and it was fairly quiet. After waiting about 15 minutes or so for my wife to say something I went ahead and walked down stairs where she was aimlessly trying to straighten up the kitchen. I figure it was just something out of habit to do with keeping busy or moving her hands as I noticed her placing perfectly clean dishes into the dishwasher.
I looked at her face and could tell she had been crying. I don't see my wife cry very often. People often say I'm the sensitive person in the family and she's the rock (which is true depending on the circumstance).
I asked her what was the matter, and after a very long pause (as if she was collecting her thoughts) she spilled out a torrent of repetitive sentences "How do I help her? What can I do?", clearly referencing her friend, the ex-fiance of R.
The best I could do is allow her to talk, to open up, to continue to spill....not to interrupt and make all those stupid cliches I despised so much some time back. Finally, when she took a breath I attempted to counsel her that her involvement right now is one of prayer. As human beings, we want to fix things ourselves, often leaving God and Christ by the wayside. Her girlfriend is very distraught as I expected and has already began blaming herself, and my wife is frustrated that she doesn't know what to do.
I tried to explain her friend probably would be oblivious to any advice we can give her, or any forced interjection on our behalf. Let her go through the natural stages of emotions over the next few days and the only thing we can do is to let her know she can talk to us when she is willing, ready, and able. That the best we can do is let her know that we will be praying...not only for 'R', but that that she has peace of mind and an inner strength. I told my wife if she couldn't think of anything to do or say right now, then turn to God and ask Him to use her as a vessel and she'll know in her heart what her actions should be. Ask Christ to walk with you and be with you when you see your friend. It's not the two of you tackling this problem by yourselves, its you with the addition of Christ. Before you pick up the phone, before you drive over to her house, before you see her...PRAY. Pray that God fills you with wisdom, and even if you don't understand or recognize it now, that He will make Himself known to those that need and seek strength and courage.
I truly think it's the enemy telling us "Ha! Look at you now. Where is your God in the midst of this tragedy. He has abandoned you and you are failing as a friend." NOT SO. Pray that the chains of oppression and guilt and lack of worth are overcome. Man, I wish I could take my own advice at times.
We finally went to bed at around 11:30pm after she did much of the discussing and I did much of the listening. I held her hand in bed for at least 20 minutes to let her know I was there, and that I am praying...not only for R, but for my wife and R's ex-fiance.
In a very rare moment, my wife told me (and in the first time in a long time I believed her) that she loved me, and she rubbed my back for a moment.
Today I called her at work and asked if she had heard any more news. She hadn't. And neither have I. My attempts at calls have been met with endless ringing or answering machines and I'm sure we are in for another evening of awkwardness as it's hard to relax and be social with others on a Friday evening when you want to know how your friends are doing, especially when one is in R's condition.
December 11, 2008
Some very troubling news
My friends....those that check in with me on a semi-regular basis to those that are just stopping by for the first time due to a random click of the mouse or wayward search....I received a very devestating call this afternoon.
I'm trying to suck it up and fight back the tear of sadness one minute and calm my mounting rage the next.
I have a friend a few years younger than me I just learned is in the hospital...on life support....and is fading away by his own choice. To keep his anonymity safe, I'll just call my friend 'R'.
R is one of the nicest men anybody could ever meet, and I am fortunate to know him and call him my friend. But R suffers from depression as well, and from what I am gathering is giving up on life. I wish I knew of this news earlier but he know lives on the opposite side of the country, and as these things happen, we haven't spoke to each other in recent times.
R became sick a couple years back...very sick. Sick enough where he required a liver transplant or else he would have already been dead. He received the said transplant and was on a cocktail of anti-rejection medicine everyday since.
If that wasn't bad enough, like myself he enjoyed the gym and was in great physcial conditioning prior to his illness. He can't work out to the excess he and I once did, and like me, his body slightly atrophied. A hard thing for some to get over when you live in the gym and then the doctors tell you to stay away from lifting heavy weights.
He was also unemeployed for a while due to his disability and struggled like many men do in finding self-worth in a society in which you want to contribute but can't. R was engaged to be married during all this, and as the day to day struggles began to take a toll on him, he slowly began to slip further into a state of depression. As the medical bills kept mounting and he realized his fiance was footing the bills, he slipped even further.
Finally a bright spot appeared on the horizon as he landed a desk job as a disbatcher and it looked as if he found some additional meaning again. It would only be a few weeks later in which the company that just hired him, let him go based on a background check they did and some trouble he had apparantly had gotten into years ago that he didn't think mattered any longer.
Once again unemployed and struggling to keep his spirits up, his fiance broke off their engagement and requested that he move back home with his mother as he sought help to find himself again. It would be a few more months after that when she would send back the puppy he had boughten for her during happier times. Her thinking was 'their' puppy may help keep him company as my own dog did for me during my issues.
This may or may not have been the beginning of the end for R. It's my limited understanding right now that these past few weeks leading up to the holidays has been emotionally very tough for him, and once again he became ill. But this time the sickness was perhaps due to a loss of the inner fire. He has been dealt so many blows the last few years both mentally and physically that it appears he may have thrown in the towel.
He was rushed to the hospital earlier today by his mother, and it appears he has lost the will to live. His organs are shutting down and doctors don't think he'll survive the night.
I'm angry and sad and confused right now. How come I am just hearing about this now? I always told R he could always call me since we shared many of the same struggles. He is a great guy and we had a good friendship. Here I am sitting writing about him right now and he's fading fast in a hospital bed, his mother by his side, thousands of miles away and I can't talk to him.
R knows God, just like I do...but...I don't know....Is he in fact giving up? Is there something I don't know? I can't get a hold of his ex-fiance, but I'm aware she knows and is very distraught herself right now. I don't know what to think....part of me is angry at her right now...even though that is most likely irrational. How do you break up with someone because they hit a rough patch emotionally? How do you send back a dog that someone bought you out of love? But the more I think about it....I also understand her reasonings and I can't blame her. I'm sure she wanted R to get better, and the puppy may have been a painful reminder of a relationship that was never meant to be in the long run.
I suppose I'll hear more later today or tonight....all I can do is pray that he pulls out of it, or that if he does indeed choose to let go, that Jesus is there right now with open arms to wipe away all his tears and may he never feel the pain of this crappy life again.
It's moments like these that my faith becomes tested.
I'm trying to suck it up and fight back the tear of sadness one minute and calm my mounting rage the next.
I have a friend a few years younger than me I just learned is in the hospital...on life support....and is fading away by his own choice. To keep his anonymity safe, I'll just call my friend 'R'.
R is one of the nicest men anybody could ever meet, and I am fortunate to know him and call him my friend. But R suffers from depression as well, and from what I am gathering is giving up on life. I wish I knew of this news earlier but he know lives on the opposite side of the country, and as these things happen, we haven't spoke to each other in recent times.
R became sick a couple years back...very sick. Sick enough where he required a liver transplant or else he would have already been dead. He received the said transplant and was on a cocktail of anti-rejection medicine everyday since.
If that wasn't bad enough, like myself he enjoyed the gym and was in great physcial conditioning prior to his illness. He can't work out to the excess he and I once did, and like me, his body slightly atrophied. A hard thing for some to get over when you live in the gym and then the doctors tell you to stay away from lifting heavy weights.
He was also unemeployed for a while due to his disability and struggled like many men do in finding self-worth in a society in which you want to contribute but can't. R was engaged to be married during all this, and as the day to day struggles began to take a toll on him, he slowly began to slip further into a state of depression. As the medical bills kept mounting and he realized his fiance was footing the bills, he slipped even further.
Finally a bright spot appeared on the horizon as he landed a desk job as a disbatcher and it looked as if he found some additional meaning again. It would only be a few weeks later in which the company that just hired him, let him go based on a background check they did and some trouble he had apparantly had gotten into years ago that he didn't think mattered any longer.
Once again unemployed and struggling to keep his spirits up, his fiance broke off their engagement and requested that he move back home with his mother as he sought help to find himself again. It would be a few more months after that when she would send back the puppy he had boughten for her during happier times. Her thinking was 'their' puppy may help keep him company as my own dog did for me during my issues.
This may or may not have been the beginning of the end for R. It's my limited understanding right now that these past few weeks leading up to the holidays has been emotionally very tough for him, and once again he became ill. But this time the sickness was perhaps due to a loss of the inner fire. He has been dealt so many blows the last few years both mentally and physically that it appears he may have thrown in the towel.
He was rushed to the hospital earlier today by his mother, and it appears he has lost the will to live. His organs are shutting down and doctors don't think he'll survive the night.
I'm angry and sad and confused right now. How come I am just hearing about this now? I always told R he could always call me since we shared many of the same struggles. He is a great guy and we had a good friendship. Here I am sitting writing about him right now and he's fading fast in a hospital bed, his mother by his side, thousands of miles away and I can't talk to him.
R knows God, just like I do...but...I don't know....Is he in fact giving up? Is there something I don't know? I can't get a hold of his ex-fiance, but I'm aware she knows and is very distraught herself right now. I don't know what to think....part of me is angry at her right now...even though that is most likely irrational. How do you break up with someone because they hit a rough patch emotionally? How do you send back a dog that someone bought you out of love? But the more I think about it....I also understand her reasonings and I can't blame her. I'm sure she wanted R to get better, and the puppy may have been a painful reminder of a relationship that was never meant to be in the long run.
I suppose I'll hear more later today or tonight....all I can do is pray that he pulls out of it, or that if he does indeed choose to let go, that Jesus is there right now with open arms to wipe away all his tears and may he never feel the pain of this crappy life again.
It's moments like these that my faith becomes tested.
December 02, 2008
Study: 1 in 5 young adults have personality disorder
I came across this article this morning on FOXnews.com. I'll let you read it on your own for its length, but I found it very interesting and telling.
If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.
The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:
If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.
The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:
- Alcohol and substance abuse.
- Seperation from secure environments (i.e. away from home and parents)
- Recent campus shootings foster a sense of feeling 'unsafe'.
- Relationship issues and discovering sexuality.
- Facing the realization of possible employment prospects and educational opportunities.
You can probably extrapolate a few other cause and effects in there as well, but I think the gist of teh study suggests (at least what I got out of it) is that young people are becoming more and more ill-prepared in dealing with the transition from childhood to adulthood with increased stress factors coming from all angles. Because they are ill-prepared to deal with the various traumas that 'life' throws at them (especially with no parental/family structure nearby), these young adults are succumbing to the pressures and developing mental instabilities...including depression.
It saddens me to read this because the more I think of it, the more I see the truth in it. Today, we are a society of blogs, text messaging, IM chats, Facebook/MySpace, etc...We are having less and less 'real' face time with other people...including family and God...and using technology to converse with people hiding behind our PC screens. We don't make time for ourselves anymore either.....we tend to think time is more valuable than ever as we contstantly feel rushed or tasked to do something. Remember the old saying: "Take time to smell the roses."? Well, I think we often forget to take the time out and spend 10-15 minutes walking in God's creation, talking with Him, sharing with Him and friends. One can even argue the family dynamic that was perceived to be a 'nuclear family' back in the 1950's is almost non-exsistant today. People marry and divorce more often, come from broken families, don't go to church anymore....and with that, we lose touch of definition of 'family' and personal 'love', and eventually personal responsibility.
This can all lead to various stresses and social traumas, and those that aren't thick skinned, either sink or swim. Those that sink may become depressed, stressed, paranoid, etc. Those that swim may become hard in the heart, indifferent, cold and impersonal...perhaps worse.
Anyway, I'm not really sure how to wrap this up...It's a study and those are my interpretations of them. I suppose in a nutshell, and I have to remind myself of this more and more often......go out and smell the roses. Call your friends up and ask them to lunch and speak with them in person. Interact with your family and discuss topics you normally just gloss over. Pray to God above and meditate with Him and ask for peace.....Your mental health may depend on it.
November 26, 2008
The Wake
In Monday's post I commented that I had a friend whose mom recently died of cancer.
I was able to take some time off work yesterday to attend her wake. To be honest, I didn't know her at all. I never even met her. But my friendships, the few that I have, are dear to me in a way I can never truly express to my friends. At the very least, I had to be there for him, just to let him know I was thinking of him.
It was an interesting wake. It was held at his fathers house, and I got to meet the rest of his family. My friend took me on a tour of his house, and showed me all the crafts his mother was into before she passed. She was only 65.
I stayed for a few hours. My wife stayed a bit longer as we both took seperate cars from our workplaces. When she finally got home last night I could tell she was upset and had been crying. I inquired as to why, and she said that there was a little 'drama' between one of the sons and the father, and it turned ugly. Surely emotions were strung out enough from recent events, and I suppose when you mix alcohol, anything can happen.
My wife said she was sad because she thought the mother was looking down at her wake and seeing one of her sons arguing with his dad.
I told her not to worry, that I doubt she was looking down upon the events at her former house. My wife countered, "What? You don't think guardian angels look after us?"
Whoa...I explained that Guardian angels are completely diffrent from the departed souls of humans. Angels are also God's creation, and yes, while I do indeed believe they do exist and watch over us, it is because God created them in spirit form and gave them various tasks, some of which include watching over us and possibly intervening at times in a supernatural manner, but by no means am I aware of any biblical support of humans looking back down on us.
I never really though of this before, and it just seemed to hit me last night. My whole life I've heard or just accepted by proxy that 'my grandfather' or 'my grandmother' was looking down upon us, smiling. I hear people say that all the time about children and sibling that seem to die before what seems an acceptable timeframe for us....and as a way of comfort....we, the still living say things that may ease others pain. It's only natural, and probably means no harm what-so-ever.
But are they looking back down on us? I don't think so. Once we die, we hopefully open our eyes in 'paradise'. I'm sure we have much other things on our minds...the sheer beauty of His creation, new sights and sounds, and sensations man cannot even put into words. There is peace, and joy, were tears are no more....Why would anyone look back upon us down here and be concerned? If anything, they may be waiting for us to join them....and not waiting in an impatient sense...but looking forward to the time when we join them for all eternity.
Speaking of time...I'm not even sure there is time in paradise. I think when we leave our mortal shells, we are beyond time. Our lives are but a twinkling of an eye, a lingering morning mist that disapears just as quickly as it was formed. Sure...to us she has only been gone less than a week, but to her....she has already experienced an unquantifiable period in her new glorified body. When her sons finally pass...whether that a few years or decades from now....if they too find themselves in 'Paradise', I think the mother will be there with open arms and quite possibly to her, a mere blink of an eye may have passed. That is if we believe that Paradise and the one day completed Heaven is outside of conventional time. To our loved ones that have passed so many years ago...perhaps by their new frame of reference, they just turned there backs momentarily and we just arrived.
But to think our loved ones take a vested intrest in our day to day trivialities....I don't see that happening. Christ is with us, God is with us, the Holy Spirit lives within us, the Angels are aware of things that God allows them to and can watch over and protect us by His willing. But our deceased souls...No...I'd like to think they are on to much joyous things and it just keeps getting better and better with each passing second (by our frame of reference), and someday we'll all be together as well.
I was able to take some time off work yesterday to attend her wake. To be honest, I didn't know her at all. I never even met her. But my friendships, the few that I have, are dear to me in a way I can never truly express to my friends. At the very least, I had to be there for him, just to let him know I was thinking of him.
It was an interesting wake. It was held at his fathers house, and I got to meet the rest of his family. My friend took me on a tour of his house, and showed me all the crafts his mother was into before she passed. She was only 65.
I stayed for a few hours. My wife stayed a bit longer as we both took seperate cars from our workplaces. When she finally got home last night I could tell she was upset and had been crying. I inquired as to why, and she said that there was a little 'drama' between one of the sons and the father, and it turned ugly. Surely emotions were strung out enough from recent events, and I suppose when you mix alcohol, anything can happen.
My wife said she was sad because she thought the mother was looking down at her wake and seeing one of her sons arguing with his dad.
I told her not to worry, that I doubt she was looking down upon the events at her former house. My wife countered, "What? You don't think guardian angels look after us?"
Whoa...I explained that Guardian angels are completely diffrent from the departed souls of humans. Angels are also God's creation, and yes, while I do indeed believe they do exist and watch over us, it is because God created them in spirit form and gave them various tasks, some of which include watching over us and possibly intervening at times in a supernatural manner, but by no means am I aware of any biblical support of humans looking back down on us.
I never really though of this before, and it just seemed to hit me last night. My whole life I've heard or just accepted by proxy that 'my grandfather' or 'my grandmother' was looking down upon us, smiling. I hear people say that all the time about children and sibling that seem to die before what seems an acceptable timeframe for us....and as a way of comfort....we, the still living say things that may ease others pain. It's only natural, and probably means no harm what-so-ever.
But are they looking back down on us? I don't think so. Once we die, we hopefully open our eyes in 'paradise'. I'm sure we have much other things on our minds...the sheer beauty of His creation, new sights and sounds, and sensations man cannot even put into words. There is peace, and joy, were tears are no more....Why would anyone look back upon us down here and be concerned? If anything, they may be waiting for us to join them....and not waiting in an impatient sense...but looking forward to the time when we join them for all eternity.
Speaking of time...I'm not even sure there is time in paradise. I think when we leave our mortal shells, we are beyond time. Our lives are but a twinkling of an eye, a lingering morning mist that disapears just as quickly as it was formed. Sure...to us she has only been gone less than a week, but to her....she has already experienced an unquantifiable period in her new glorified body. When her sons finally pass...whether that a few years or decades from now....if they too find themselves in 'Paradise', I think the mother will be there with open arms and quite possibly to her, a mere blink of an eye may have passed. That is if we believe that Paradise and the one day completed Heaven is outside of conventional time. To our loved ones that have passed so many years ago...perhaps by their new frame of reference, they just turned there backs momentarily and we just arrived.
But to think our loved ones take a vested intrest in our day to day trivialities....I don't see that happening. Christ is with us, God is with us, the Holy Spirit lives within us, the Angels are aware of things that God allows them to and can watch over and protect us by His willing. But our deceased souls...No...I'd like to think they are on to much joyous things and it just keeps getting better and better with each passing second (by our frame of reference), and someday we'll all be together as well.
November 24, 2008
Revisiting the unfinished
It's been a strange week for me both emotionally and psychologically.
I've had some moments of internal reflection and meditation the last few days, and the majority of my solitary thoughts have not been of a positive nature.
I've allowed some self doubt and pity to creep back in my life. Feelings of despair and being alone, even while amongst family and friends has also resurfaced. I've been feeling tired again, often opting to go to bed early, and the time I am awake seems like I'm doing everything else for everbody else other than me. No 'me' time if you will. One can argue that my watching TV may be considered 'me' time, but when I am scanning for commericals to unlaod the dishwasher, vacuum, do laundry, etc....it never feels like down time..
My latest place of employment, like so many others with the floundering economy, began laying off again. Here we are, a week before Thanksgiving, a time for family and ushering in the Holidays leading up to Christmas, and 30 people got laid off. There's rumors of more to come. I may or may not be part of that mix, and doubtless, it's a bit nerve-wracking.
My wife and I also have a lot of tension between us right now again too. Though we aren't fighting, it just feels like there is something bubbling under the surface and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It's made us both uneasy, and admittedly, I don't want to bring it up lest it be an excuse or opening for her to comment on something that really isn't there. It made me so uncomfortable yesterday, I was physically getting ill. It was either a anxiety pill, or go to the gym. I went to the gym and exploded on the weights. It seemed like I had so much tension wrapped up inside me, my body was screaming for an outlet, and it took the form of pumping a lot of iron. Even with my shoulder, I was able to overcome my fears and trepedation of heavy weight and knock it out. It felt like I had boundless energy for that 45 minutes, and it really helped release a lot of the negativity I was keeping inside. I didn't even tell my wife I was going. I just got in my car and went, and when I got home, I could tell she was a bit irritated that I didn't tell her I was leaving.
And I really didn't care.
I wasn't intentionally trying to being adolescent about it, but the first thought that went through my head was...."Well, know you know how it feels when you pull this crap with me...Sucks doesn't it?" And I didn't think about it too much after that.
My friends mother also died this past week. She had been battling both lung and brain cancer for years....most likely attributed to smoking they figure. It was expected to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, and I haven't spoken to me friend since he sent me an email. I don't know what to say to him, so I avoided calling him the first two days. I attempted last night, but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again later today perhaps. I never knew his mother so I feel out of place making any comments on a subject I don't know anything about.
Another friend emailed me about he and his wife trying to have a baby, and the difficulties they are having, as her tubes are apparently blocked. He knew we had a similar situation a few years back when my wife and I were attempting to have a baby. He wanted advice as he is having some trouble dealing with the emotional aspects of the recent failures. I didn't realize until I began to respond to him that I too clearly wasn't over our failed attempts and my wifes decsion that we were to stop trying. I try to not to think about it anymore, I suppose I'm living in denial, and it was only when I was trying to craft my advice did I realize that I'm not over it. A lot of memories came back to the surface...a lot of emotions as well. I became both sad and angry all over again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel misled by my wife and a bit hurt by her decision that affected me without my input. But that's a whole other blog entry and then some by itself, so I'll leave that be for now.
Finally, I'll say I got up this morning.....late....by my wife hitting me in the back to tell me the time. For some reason, this made me a tad angry as well. Instead of shaking me, or calling out my name, she pushed me very hard in the back, abruptly, rudely. Maybe she didn't mean that at all, but that's what it felt like on my end. I hurried to clean up, get dressed, and I was out the door again, purposely not saying 'Goodbye...love you'. I've been on edge and angry the last two days, and after getting hit in the back, the last thing I wanted to do right now was to say "Goodbye." I have the strong feeling she doesn't care all that much either.
I've had some moments of internal reflection and meditation the last few days, and the majority of my solitary thoughts have not been of a positive nature.
I've allowed some self doubt and pity to creep back in my life. Feelings of despair and being alone, even while amongst family and friends has also resurfaced. I've been feeling tired again, often opting to go to bed early, and the time I am awake seems like I'm doing everything else for everbody else other than me. No 'me' time if you will. One can argue that my watching TV may be considered 'me' time, but when I am scanning for commericals to unlaod the dishwasher, vacuum, do laundry, etc....it never feels like down time..
My latest place of employment, like so many others with the floundering economy, began laying off again. Here we are, a week before Thanksgiving, a time for family and ushering in the Holidays leading up to Christmas, and 30 people got laid off. There's rumors of more to come. I may or may not be part of that mix, and doubtless, it's a bit nerve-wracking.
My wife and I also have a lot of tension between us right now again too. Though we aren't fighting, it just feels like there is something bubbling under the surface and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. It's made us both uneasy, and admittedly, I don't want to bring it up lest it be an excuse or opening for her to comment on something that really isn't there. It made me so uncomfortable yesterday, I was physically getting ill. It was either a anxiety pill, or go to the gym. I went to the gym and exploded on the weights. It seemed like I had so much tension wrapped up inside me, my body was screaming for an outlet, and it took the form of pumping a lot of iron. Even with my shoulder, I was able to overcome my fears and trepedation of heavy weight and knock it out. It felt like I had boundless energy for that 45 minutes, and it really helped release a lot of the negativity I was keeping inside. I didn't even tell my wife I was going. I just got in my car and went, and when I got home, I could tell she was a bit irritated that I didn't tell her I was leaving.
And I really didn't care.
I wasn't intentionally trying to being adolescent about it, but the first thought that went through my head was...."Well, know you know how it feels when you pull this crap with me...Sucks doesn't it?" And I didn't think about it too much after that.
My friends mother also died this past week. She had been battling both lung and brain cancer for years....most likely attributed to smoking they figure. It was expected to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, and I haven't spoken to me friend since he sent me an email. I don't know what to say to him, so I avoided calling him the first two days. I attempted last night, but he didn't answer the phone. I didn't leave a message. I'll try again later today perhaps. I never knew his mother so I feel out of place making any comments on a subject I don't know anything about.
Another friend emailed me about he and his wife trying to have a baby, and the difficulties they are having, as her tubes are apparently blocked. He knew we had a similar situation a few years back when my wife and I were attempting to have a baby. He wanted advice as he is having some trouble dealing with the emotional aspects of the recent failures. I didn't realize until I began to respond to him that I too clearly wasn't over our failed attempts and my wifes decsion that we were to stop trying. I try to not to think about it anymore, I suppose I'm living in denial, and it was only when I was trying to craft my advice did I realize that I'm not over it. A lot of memories came back to the surface...a lot of emotions as well. I became both sad and angry all over again. I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel misled by my wife and a bit hurt by her decision that affected me without my input. But that's a whole other blog entry and then some by itself, so I'll leave that be for now.
Finally, I'll say I got up this morning.....late....by my wife hitting me in the back to tell me the time. For some reason, this made me a tad angry as well. Instead of shaking me, or calling out my name, she pushed me very hard in the back, abruptly, rudely. Maybe she didn't mean that at all, but that's what it felt like on my end. I hurried to clean up, get dressed, and I was out the door again, purposely not saying 'Goodbye...love you'. I've been on edge and angry the last two days, and after getting hit in the back, the last thing I wanted to do right now was to say "Goodbye." I have the strong feeling she doesn't care all that much either.
November 05, 2008
President Elect
"Remind your people to submit to the government and its officers. They should be obedient, always ready to do whats good. They must not speak evil of anyone, and they must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone." (Titus 3: 1-2)
So history was made last night. It was made even before my states polls were even closed which always irritates me with the whole time zone thing. Often it seems many elections are called even before exits polling can be done in the west.
As I stated in yesterdays post, there is an emerging occurrence that people are identifying as Voting Anxiety Disorder, the feeling of uneasiness, irritability, stress, depression and the like as election days come near.
I think I came to the conclusion that Obama was going to win a few weeks ago, maybe even a few months ago and I thought I was prepared for all that. To be honest, I wasn't all that crazy about McCain either, and although it may be unfair to say, I believed McCain was the lesser of two evils (BTW: I don't think either is 'evil'). As the electoral votes started to come in last night I found myself getting depressed and irritated. To the point where I had to change channels as I was disheartened by the over-zealous glee of the opposing voters as if Obama was the second coming.
When I saw Jesse Jackson cry, it seemed as my whole body seized up inside. I don't think I am a sore loser, but clearly, something inside me prevents me from being happy. In fact, as I went to bed last night I could feel my chest tighten up. I really began to concentrate on relaxation techniques and all I could hope for was a peaceful slumber.
As I awoke this morning to greet a new day, I realized I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to turn on the news and I dread going to work listening to the armchair quarterback either praising Obama or dismissing McCain. I must have flipped the radio station in my car a dozen times this morning as every station seemed to be announcing to the world a new savior is among us who will get us out of Iraq, fix our economy, give us health care, and so much more.
I don't want want to sound like I am against these things. I'm not necessarily, but I think I do live in reality. And I personally don't see how all this is going to be done realistically in the first few years let alone first 100 days. I think I more scared that policies are going to affect my finances at home. Sure, I'm worried about higher taxes, the mortgage, keeping my job let alone all the other moral, social, military issues on a bigger scale.
I realize I'm going off on a tangent here, so I'll try to reign it back in to my original thoughts and feelings.
I'm starting this day feeling very awkward and uptight. I'm worried about the next 4 years. I think the future is going to be very turbulent on both the domestic and global stages for America.
So history was made last night. It was made even before my states polls were even closed which always irritates me with the whole time zone thing. Often it seems many elections are called even before exits polling can be done in the west.
As I stated in yesterdays post, there is an emerging occurrence that people are identifying as Voting Anxiety Disorder, the feeling of uneasiness, irritability, stress, depression and the like as election days come near.
I think I came to the conclusion that Obama was going to win a few weeks ago, maybe even a few months ago and I thought I was prepared for all that. To be honest, I wasn't all that crazy about McCain either, and although it may be unfair to say, I believed McCain was the lesser of two evils (BTW: I don't think either is 'evil'). As the electoral votes started to come in last night I found myself getting depressed and irritated. To the point where I had to change channels as I was disheartened by the over-zealous glee of the opposing voters as if Obama was the second coming.
When I saw Jesse Jackson cry, it seemed as my whole body seized up inside. I don't think I am a sore loser, but clearly, something inside me prevents me from being happy. In fact, as I went to bed last night I could feel my chest tighten up. I really began to concentrate on relaxation techniques and all I could hope for was a peaceful slumber.
As I awoke this morning to greet a new day, I realized I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to turn on the news and I dread going to work listening to the armchair quarterback either praising Obama or dismissing McCain. I must have flipped the radio station in my car a dozen times this morning as every station seemed to be announcing to the world a new savior is among us who will get us out of Iraq, fix our economy, give us health care, and so much more.
I don't want want to sound like I am against these things. I'm not necessarily, but I think I do live in reality. And I personally don't see how all this is going to be done realistically in the first few years let alone first 100 days. I think I more scared that policies are going to affect my finances at home. Sure, I'm worried about higher taxes, the mortgage, keeping my job let alone all the other moral, social, military issues on a bigger scale.
I realize I'm going off on a tangent here, so I'll try to reign it back in to my original thoughts and feelings.
I'm starting this day feeling very awkward and uptight. I'm worried about the next 4 years. I think the future is going to be very turbulent on both the domestic and global stages for America.
November 04, 2008
Voter Anxiety
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -(Isaiah 41:10)
It really didn't come as much as a surprise when I heard a news report on the radio the late last week about a the newly emerging 'voter anxiety disorder'. Therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists have spoke about this before, but it seems people are generally feeling much more prone about it today than in years past. In easy speak, people are feeling much more restless, tired, stressed, nervous, uptight, etc. as election day nears. Symptoms can include insomnia, hypertension, mood swings, and just about anything else associated with cases of depression, but seems to come to a head the closer we get to a major election.
I think it's safe to say I can be counted among these worryworts, but the odd thing is, is that I recognize it, I understand it, yet I cannot overcome it.
No one can argue that this election doesn't mean something for Americans. It's historical on may fronts....we either have our first female Vice President, or our first Black President. This person will help chart the course to determine how bad our recession really is, how morality is viewed upon, how quickly we leave Iraq.
It's been very stressful the last six months or so. First Americans dealt (and are still dealing with) the mortgage crisis, whether or not we can keep our houses or not. Then panic on Wall Street led to people seemingly loosing their hard earned investments overnight with no clear stability for the immediate future. Credit debts are at an all time high, foreign investors are skeptical on the state of our economy, and who hasn't read in the papers that people are being laid off yet again.
My company laid off 15 people last week, and they are scheduled to lay off more soon. To say I'm nervous and a little scared is an understatement. Some of my peers tell me not to worry...but I can't help it. I heard that once before, and I was summarily let go with no notice and struggled for quite some time before I got a solid job again. I've been at my new job for 1 year and 5 months, and now I see the same pattern all over again. Christmas is right around the corner and the bills aren't getting any smaller. My wife just informed me last week that her own financial status is strained. We don't live in luxury by any means, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how much more we can cut back on expenditures. Perhaps a bit, but not much.
Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much the last few days. I've been thinking about the election alot. I generally have always liked history and find politics both fascinating and stimulating. Right now I'm not so keen on either candidate, but one scares me much more than the other.
But I have to remember that all things are in God's hands, and in His control. I'm not sure I'll ever remember that lesson....I clearly fail to put it into practice on a day to day basis.
This past Sunday I went to church, and once again I was in awe on how the message just seemed to be tailored and written for me. Our pastor hit on every note I had been thinking about the last few weeks, and I can't help but be convinced yet again there is indeed a God the Father who already knows me inside and out. He has tried to teach me this lesson over and over and over again. I hear the teachings, I acknowledge them, I understand His logic....but I fail to trust.
I asked my wife to pray for me this morning. She said she would and asked me not to stress. I haven't taken any relaxers in quite some time, but the thought crossed my mind last night as I sat on the couch...uptight and nervous about todays outcome and our immediate future.
These things are out of my control, and I need to trust God that these things are in His control no matter the outcome. I pray to be strong and to give Him glory. I pray now hour by hour, day by day....just to have me mentally get through the day with out either snapping or shutting down.
I admit....I am uneasy and scared right now.
It really didn't come as much as a surprise when I heard a news report on the radio the late last week about a the newly emerging 'voter anxiety disorder'. Therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists have spoke about this before, but it seems people are generally feeling much more prone about it today than in years past. In easy speak, people are feeling much more restless, tired, stressed, nervous, uptight, etc. as election day nears. Symptoms can include insomnia, hypertension, mood swings, and just about anything else associated with cases of depression, but seems to come to a head the closer we get to a major election.
I think it's safe to say I can be counted among these worryworts, but the odd thing is, is that I recognize it, I understand it, yet I cannot overcome it.
No one can argue that this election doesn't mean something for Americans. It's historical on may fronts....we either have our first female Vice President, or our first Black President. This person will help chart the course to determine how bad our recession really is, how morality is viewed upon, how quickly we leave Iraq.
It's been very stressful the last six months or so. First Americans dealt (and are still dealing with) the mortgage crisis, whether or not we can keep our houses or not. Then panic on Wall Street led to people seemingly loosing their hard earned investments overnight with no clear stability for the immediate future. Credit debts are at an all time high, foreign investors are skeptical on the state of our economy, and who hasn't read in the papers that people are being laid off yet again.
My company laid off 15 people last week, and they are scheduled to lay off more soon. To say I'm nervous and a little scared is an understatement. Some of my peers tell me not to worry...but I can't help it. I heard that once before, and I was summarily let go with no notice and struggled for quite some time before I got a solid job again. I've been at my new job for 1 year and 5 months, and now I see the same pattern all over again. Christmas is right around the corner and the bills aren't getting any smaller. My wife just informed me last week that her own financial status is strained. We don't live in luxury by any means, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how much more we can cut back on expenditures. Perhaps a bit, but not much.
Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much the last few days. I've been thinking about the election alot. I generally have always liked history and find politics both fascinating and stimulating. Right now I'm not so keen on either candidate, but one scares me much more than the other.
But I have to remember that all things are in God's hands, and in His control. I'm not sure I'll ever remember that lesson....I clearly fail to put it into practice on a day to day basis.
This past Sunday I went to church, and once again I was in awe on how the message just seemed to be tailored and written for me. Our pastor hit on every note I had been thinking about the last few weeks, and I can't help but be convinced yet again there is indeed a God the Father who already knows me inside and out. He has tried to teach me this lesson over and over and over again. I hear the teachings, I acknowledge them, I understand His logic....but I fail to trust.
I asked my wife to pray for me this morning. She said she would and asked me not to stress. I haven't taken any relaxers in quite some time, but the thought crossed my mind last night as I sat on the couch...uptight and nervous about todays outcome and our immediate future.
These things are out of my control, and I need to trust God that these things are in His control no matter the outcome. I pray to be strong and to give Him glory. I pray now hour by hour, day by day....just to have me mentally get through the day with out either snapping or shutting down.
I admit....I am uneasy and scared right now.
October 31, 2008
Money truly is the root of all woe
Uggg....
So we had another argument last night.
About the usual....money.
My wife started the conversation innocently enough..."Let me run something by you."
Whenever I here something like that, especially from her, there really is no upside. I suppose it was good she waited until it was later in the evening and I was already sitting down.
"What if I took out $15K our from my 401K to pay off my credit card bills, repay my mother, and help with the property taxes."
I suppose her heart was in the right place, but the amount of $15K was a jaw dropper. Now assuming that she pays her mother back the money I am 'aware' of, and even helps to pay the property taxes....that still doesn't account for $10K left over. How can we be in additional $10K worth of debt that I'm not really aware of.
It doesn't help matters that our country seems to be headed towards a recession, and the fact that my company just recently let go of 15 employees, with an additional rumored 20-25 before the end of the year. Then sometime early next year, a reorganization is supposedly in the works with even more employees losing their jobs.
Didn't I just go through this 2 years ago? I'm already beginning to stress out again and these are just rumors. I so wanted to take a vacation this year....to go on the cruise we've been talking about for the past 4 years....but rumors likes these scare me...and tend for me to go into lock down and conservative mode. No wonder I've started to experience my insomnia again this past week.
I know Jesus tells us not to worry, to cast our burdens and troubles upon him and look to Him for peace...I just don't know if I can endure another round of this stress and possible unemployment again so soon. It's been a rough career for me, and as soon as things seem to settle down for me, that's when things always seem to get shaken up....and I always end up on the short end of the stick.
So we had another argument last night.
About the usual....money.
My wife started the conversation innocently enough..."Let me run something by you."
Whenever I here something like that, especially from her, there really is no upside. I suppose it was good she waited until it was later in the evening and I was already sitting down.
"What if I took out $15K our from my 401K to pay off my credit card bills, repay my mother, and help with the property taxes."
I suppose her heart was in the right place, but the amount of $15K was a jaw dropper. Now assuming that she pays her mother back the money I am 'aware' of, and even helps to pay the property taxes....that still doesn't account for $10K left over. How can we be in additional $10K worth of debt that I'm not really aware of.
It doesn't help matters that our country seems to be headed towards a recession, and the fact that my company just recently let go of 15 employees, with an additional rumored 20-25 before the end of the year. Then sometime early next year, a reorganization is supposedly in the works with even more employees losing their jobs.
Didn't I just go through this 2 years ago? I'm already beginning to stress out again and these are just rumors. I so wanted to take a vacation this year....to go on the cruise we've been talking about for the past 4 years....but rumors likes these scare me...and tend for me to go into lock down and conservative mode. No wonder I've started to experience my insomnia again this past week.
I know Jesus tells us not to worry, to cast our burdens and troubles upon him and look to Him for peace...I just don't know if I can endure another round of this stress and possible unemployment again so soon. It's been a rough career for me, and as soon as things seem to settle down for me, that's when things always seem to get shaken up....and I always end up on the short end of the stick.
October 29, 2008
I Dream of True Love
Every once in a while I experience a dream so full of life and warmth I never wish it to end.
For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.
They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.
I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.
There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.
All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.
Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.
She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.
As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.
As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."
That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.
It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.
Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.
When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.
I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.
And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.
For a person like myself who generally suffers from the occasional bouts of insomnia, is known to be a light sleeper, and tends to have his dreams more often than not filled with disturbing or uncomfortable images that I relish the good ones when I have them.
They are snippets of my subconscious crafting worlds, episodes, scenarios that I experience for God only knows what reason. This morning I awoke from a beautiful dream filled with such intense emotion and reality I felt crest-fallen when I began to realize it was indeed just a dream. I hoped to close my eyes again very quickly and resume my slumber and return to the love I just felt, but it was too late.
I dreamt that I was back in school again. I'm not exactly sure if it was the last few years of High School or College that events took place in, but I was surrounded my numerous students working on a refurbishment project in the hallways. It's as if they were repainting, putting up new wallpaper, cleaning and beautifying in general.
There was a woman there that I seemed to have had casual contact with. She was blond, attractive and about my age if not a year or two younger. She wasn't mean to me by any certain terms, but I felt the vibe she didn't really care for me all that much, somewhat indifferent. My brain was telling me I had been nice to her in the past and I tried to be friendly and cordial, but efforts had never gotten me anywhere.
All of a sudden, with no warning, time flashed forward in an instant. It's as if 5 years past in a blink of an eye and there we were again. However, this time I found myself standing behind her in a line grasping her upper arm in my hands and felt the weight or her body leaning back into me....as couples normally do. It donned on me that we were indeed just that, a couple now...inexplicably...yet it was clear to me something had happened over time and we were bonded together.
Now the girl had a name.....Becky. And she looked exactly like the actress who plays Dr. Reid on the NBC sitcom Scrubs.
She was on a cell phone, speaking to her mother and joking and laughing and we seemed to be in good spirits. It was then when a second, smaller cell phone on her person and she handed me the first phone and told me to talk to her mother while she picked up the second phone.
As she handed me the first, she spun 180 degrees to face me and there was a few feet of distance between us as she lifted the second phone to her ear and began speaking...the whole time her eyes were on me in a very gentle and joyous way. Realizing I had her mother on the phone I said "Hello....", a brief pause, "You know when I first met your daughter she wanted nothing to do with me. Now she is the love of my life and I thank you.", and with that I became very emotional and my voice cracked and I could feel a tear forming in my eye.
As I said those words, I could tell her mother was speechless on the other end of the phone and very touched and thankful for what I just said. I looked at my girlfriend, and although she was still on the second phone speaking to whomever, she had clearly heard my words as well and was overcome with emotion. It's as if her soul melted and she cocked her head ever so slightly to one side, her own eyes beginning to well up as well and mouthed the words silently to me "I love you too."
That brief moment in time, when our eyes were locked in their gaze with each other and I recognized the words she had silently spoken....I cannot begin to tell you the flood of positive emotions that came over and filled me from the inside out. It's a love I can't even adequately explain, but I know the feeling was genuine warmth, peace, joy, love....and so much more. I can only imagine this is but a taste of the love the Jesus Christ has for each one of us....and let me tell you, it was so exhilarating I never wanted to be a part from that feeling.
It's as if in my dream I actually experienced what true, pure, uncorrupted, selfless love actually is and can be. I didn't want the moment to end or the feeling to ever leave me.
Shortly after my eyes began to open, and I realized I was awakening and what I had just took part in was a dream. I so badly wanted it not to end, I closed my eyes again hoping I could spend just a few more moments in that ultimate state of bliss....but it was not to happen.
When I became fully aware of where I was (bed) and realized I needed to get up and get ready for work it was very quiet. I instantly began playing the scene over and over in my head for that euphoric feeling and then I felt slightly ashamed and even guilty.
I realized that my wife was still sleeping next to me and the next few thoughts I had were these: If you could only love me like the woman in my dreams did. Why is not our 'love' for each other like this. Why do I feel I have the potential to love you like that, but it will never be reciprocated in that fashion.
And then I felt a twinge of guilt. Did I just commit an affair in my head with an imaginary companion. There was nothing sexual at all. It was just the feeling of mutual respect, mutual love, mutual sharing, a relationship in its purist form....something that I don't think I will ever experience with my own wife....and that just saddens me to the core. I wish my wife could love me in the same manner, but I just don't see that ever happening. It hurts me just to type these last few sentences and depresses me. I'm sad to admit I want more time in my dream induced relationship than my real one as I seemed to have been more admired, respected, and felt 'wanted' more so than my wife can give me.
October 21, 2008
Suicide on the rise in the U.S.
I found this article on CNN.com and wanted to share it:
After a decade-long decrease, U.S. suicide rates have started to rise, largely because of an increase in suicides among middle-aged white men and women.
If the economy continues to decline, suicides could go up, researchers say.
White people age 40 to 64 have "recently emerged as a new high-risk group for suicide," according to the study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.
Suicides increased between 1999 and 2005 by about 3 percent annually in white men and 4 percent in white women age 40 to 64, according to Susan Baker, M.P.H., of the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in Baltimore, Maryland, and her colleagues. Suicide rates remained the same in Asians and Native Americans, and declined in blacks.
Overall, the suicide rate rose in the early 1980s, then dropped each year from 1986 to 1999. From 1999 to 2005, however, the rates have increased 0.7 percent annually.
In all, 32,637 people killed themselves in the United States in 2005, a rate of 11 per 100,000 people.
The reason for the increase is unknown. But if economic conditions continue to decline, suicides could go up. "This is a concern, especially when one looks at the high rates during the Great Depression," says Baker. Health.com: How exercise can improve your mood
Seetal Dodd, Ph.D., a senior fellow at the University of Melbourne in Australia, has found that suicide rates tend to fluctuate with the economic trends -- at least in men.
Seetal Dodd, Ph.D., a senior fellow at the University of Melbourne in Australia, has found that suicide rates tend to fluctuate with the economic trends -- at least in men.
The study is cause for concern, Dodd says, because it identifies middle-aged white men as the new high-risk group for suicide -- the same section of the population at risk for suicide during an economic downturn.
"There is a considerable risk that the current economic situation may result in a further spike in the suicide rate for men of working age, especially if we start to see an increase in unemployment and a decrease in housing affordability and consumer sentiment," Dodd says.
Robert Bossarte, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Rochester in New York, says that people have traditionally focused on suicide prevention in the very young and the old, but not necessarily the middle-aged. Historically, people over 65 have had the highest suicide rates, but this study suggests that trend is changing.
October 08, 2008
Upcoming 40th
We received an envelope on our doorstep when I got home last night.
I was quite surprised when I opened it up to learn that we were invited to a 40th birthday party for one of our other neighbors. Even more so that is 2 months from now?!?
I'm not exactly sure if it's a misprint so I'll have to call. I don't think I've ever been invited to a party for someone I've only had a few brief conversations with let alone two months in advance. In a way I'm touched. I take a little bit of comfort in knowing that one of the neighbors think well enough of my wife and I to ask us to attend a birthday party.
My wife doesn't know about it yet since she is away on business and I haven't spoken to her yet since I found it. It would be nice if she goes, but even if for some reason she doesn't I will be there. For the longest time I thought our neighborhood needs a certain type of 'healing' or 'support' for each other in lieu of recent events and past indiscretions and cliques that appear to have formed. Despite the fact my wife may not get along with everyone...actually...in all honesty, there have been a few that have shunned my wife for who knows what (at least nothing that I am personally aware of), I'd like to think that my neighbors like me. I may be the second youngest man on the street, but I think I have a certain repoir with everyone and have never ruffled any feathers. I'm smart enough to know what to get involved in...and what not to.
Anyway, it would be somewhat disrespectful if we did not go, and may close down the avenue of any future socialization between our house hold and others. I'm not going inorder to 'score' points, but rather to show my appreciation that they though of us and thank them.
I really don't know much about him, so getting a gift is going to be an exercise in brain power. What do you get someone you really don't know that hopefully won't offend their character?
Hopefully my wife will agree to attend as well....but I plan on going no matter what.
I was quite surprised when I opened it up to learn that we were invited to a 40th birthday party for one of our other neighbors. Even more so that is 2 months from now?!?
I'm not exactly sure if it's a misprint so I'll have to call. I don't think I've ever been invited to a party for someone I've only had a few brief conversations with let alone two months in advance. In a way I'm touched. I take a little bit of comfort in knowing that one of the neighbors think well enough of my wife and I to ask us to attend a birthday party.
My wife doesn't know about it yet since she is away on business and I haven't spoken to her yet since I found it. It would be nice if she goes, but even if for some reason she doesn't I will be there. For the longest time I thought our neighborhood needs a certain type of 'healing' or 'support' for each other in lieu of recent events and past indiscretions and cliques that appear to have formed. Despite the fact my wife may not get along with everyone...actually...in all honesty, there have been a few that have shunned my wife for who knows what (at least nothing that I am personally aware of), I'd like to think that my neighbors like me. I may be the second youngest man on the street, but I think I have a certain repoir with everyone and have never ruffled any feathers. I'm smart enough to know what to get involved in...and what not to.
Anyway, it would be somewhat disrespectful if we did not go, and may close down the avenue of any future socialization between our house hold and others. I'm not going inorder to 'score' points, but rather to show my appreciation that they though of us and thank them.
I really don't know much about him, so getting a gift is going to be an exercise in brain power. What do you get someone you really don't know that hopefully won't offend their character?
Hopefully my wife will agree to attend as well....but I plan on going no matter what.
October 07, 2008
Exhausted
I'm not exactly sure why, but I just don't seem to have much energy lately. The last few days I catch myself constantly yawning, daydreaming, and feeling very lethargic. The idea of actually getting up in the morning and going to work, or basic chores around the house just seems like a monumental undertaking.
While I went to bible study on Saturday morning, I failed to go to church again on Sunday...I just wasn't in the mood to get up....which sounds like an excuse and a cop-out, and it is. That's been on my mind the last few days and I have a twinge of guilt about it as well.
It may be a combination of a few things: warm weather, chores at the house that seemingly never end, my wife is out of town for the next seven days on business, and a very stagnant career.
The weather has been a bit on hot side as of late which can drain your energy, but add to the fact I work in some non-air conditioned rooms or walk quite a bit over black asphalt everyday with no shade, I end up feeling sweaty, dirty, and drained. Lately my soles of my feet and my calves have been very sore where the thought of walking anymore any particular day makes me place my head down on my desk.
With my wife out of town for 8 days straight and myself gone for 9.5 hours a day at work, the thought of coming home to do laundry, walk the dog (plus feeding and picking up after him), getting the mail, cooking dinner, cleanup, vacuum, mop, dust, trash, etc. also seems daunting.
Finally my work. The last two weeks it has been a real struggle to get motivated. It's not a 'bad' job, Lord knows there are plenty worse ones out there. I'm very thankful for what I have. I'm lucky to realize I even have a job in this current economy as well. But all that aside, it's been very thankless as of late. It has been stagnant and riddled with hardware issues that no one wants to spend money on to fix. So I just seem to keep patching and fixing the same things over and over again. It seems as I fix one thing, something else then breaks. Rinse and repeat...ad-naseum.
I look back at this summer and with the holidays approaching once again, and I realize that yet another year is almost gone where we have not taking any sort of vacation. We either have no money, or no time. Or is it because we are not willing to make the time? It just seems we always have some sort of other obligation we aren't in control of, and when we do get a break, it's perhaps one day...and we're so tired...we just want to stay home anyway.
I can't speak for my wife, but once again, I just feel burnt out. The 9.5 hour day just seems like it drags on and on, and my normal work week seems like it takes forever for Friday to roll around.
I slept okay last night, but had no real strength (mental or physical) to want to get up today. I could have stayed in bed another hour or so, but the fact that I do have a job and responsibility did make me get up. Even my infusion of a medium cup of Starbucks isn't getting me peppy enough to last the whole day.
As I was walking into work this morning, I was thinking about happiness again. On how I wish I could do certain things all over again, perhaps even my career. I don't know how to explain how I feel about my job. I do indeed like it, but perhaps more so on my terms. If I could be left to my own devices, and my own budget, I think I'd enjoy my job much more. But the fact that I have to answer to people who don't understand my niche hardware, or hold the purse strings on ever getting new equipment makes it seems like I always show up to work with one arm tied behind my back and someone else erecting hurdles in my path. Despite the earlier 'promises' that I was hired to take the ball and run with it, clearly no one has given me the ball yet. I'm still waiting for it to be passed down to me, and I doubt it's going to happen anytime soon.
So I was contemplating, yet again, on why I do what I do. Why aren't I working with animals. Why am I still here? Sure, my bills and financial responsibilities (especially those of my wife) won't go away anytime soon, so I do what I have to do, to ensure we make it. But as every day marches on, I realize I'm not really happy, and I don't think I have been for quite some time now. Could I be happy with something easier and pays less? I don't know. I don't want something easy in the sense of non-challenging....I need a challenge. I'm just tired of corporate America...and I just keep thinking about dogs and pets instead...and working at a pet store or something.
My thoughts are really disjointed today. I'm quickly scanning back over the last few paragraphs and I realize I'm spending a lot of time writing, but not really capturing my feelings as I intended to share with you so I think I'll end here for now.
While I went to bible study on Saturday morning, I failed to go to church again on Sunday...I just wasn't in the mood to get up....which sounds like an excuse and a cop-out, and it is. That's been on my mind the last few days and I have a twinge of guilt about it as well.
It may be a combination of a few things: warm weather, chores at the house that seemingly never end, my wife is out of town for the next seven days on business, and a very stagnant career.
The weather has been a bit on hot side as of late which can drain your energy, but add to the fact I work in some non-air conditioned rooms or walk quite a bit over black asphalt everyday with no shade, I end up feeling sweaty, dirty, and drained. Lately my soles of my feet and my calves have been very sore where the thought of walking anymore any particular day makes me place my head down on my desk.
With my wife out of town for 8 days straight and myself gone for 9.5 hours a day at work, the thought of coming home to do laundry, walk the dog (plus feeding and picking up after him), getting the mail, cooking dinner, cleanup, vacuum, mop, dust, trash, etc. also seems daunting.
Finally my work. The last two weeks it has been a real struggle to get motivated. It's not a 'bad' job, Lord knows there are plenty worse ones out there. I'm very thankful for what I have. I'm lucky to realize I even have a job in this current economy as well. But all that aside, it's been very thankless as of late. It has been stagnant and riddled with hardware issues that no one wants to spend money on to fix. So I just seem to keep patching and fixing the same things over and over again. It seems as I fix one thing, something else then breaks. Rinse and repeat...ad-naseum.
I look back at this summer and with the holidays approaching once again, and I realize that yet another year is almost gone where we have not taking any sort of vacation. We either have no money, or no time. Or is it because we are not willing to make the time? It just seems we always have some sort of other obligation we aren't in control of, and when we do get a break, it's perhaps one day...and we're so tired...we just want to stay home anyway.
I can't speak for my wife, but once again, I just feel burnt out. The 9.5 hour day just seems like it drags on and on, and my normal work week seems like it takes forever for Friday to roll around.
I slept okay last night, but had no real strength (mental or physical) to want to get up today. I could have stayed in bed another hour or so, but the fact that I do have a job and responsibility did make me get up. Even my infusion of a medium cup of Starbucks isn't getting me peppy enough to last the whole day.
As I was walking into work this morning, I was thinking about happiness again. On how I wish I could do certain things all over again, perhaps even my career. I don't know how to explain how I feel about my job. I do indeed like it, but perhaps more so on my terms. If I could be left to my own devices, and my own budget, I think I'd enjoy my job much more. But the fact that I have to answer to people who don't understand my niche hardware, or hold the purse strings on ever getting new equipment makes it seems like I always show up to work with one arm tied behind my back and someone else erecting hurdles in my path. Despite the earlier 'promises' that I was hired to take the ball and run with it, clearly no one has given me the ball yet. I'm still waiting for it to be passed down to me, and I doubt it's going to happen anytime soon.
So I was contemplating, yet again, on why I do what I do. Why aren't I working with animals. Why am I still here? Sure, my bills and financial responsibilities (especially those of my wife) won't go away anytime soon, so I do what I have to do, to ensure we make it. But as every day marches on, I realize I'm not really happy, and I don't think I have been for quite some time now. Could I be happy with something easier and pays less? I don't know. I don't want something easy in the sense of non-challenging....I need a challenge. I'm just tired of corporate America...and I just keep thinking about dogs and pets instead...and working at a pet store or something.
My thoughts are really disjointed today. I'm quickly scanning back over the last few paragraphs and I realize I'm spending a lot of time writing, but not really capturing my feelings as I intended to share with you so I think I'll end here for now.
October 02, 2008
Dreams
It started Monday night, and now it's been three days in a row now that I've had 'bad' dreams. Not exactly nightmares, or anything demonic or evil, but bad dreams none the less.
Monday night I had a dream in regards to my old job again...the one I lost two years back. I felt very uncomfortable running into old co-workers and I found myself walking the halls of my old company again. I'm not exactly sure why I was there, or what my circumstances were, but I do know in the back of my mind I was concerned about finances.
Tuesday I dreamt my wife and I were arguing, and that she threatened divorce. I have no idea again the circumstances that led up to this. When I woke up that morning my emotions were both of sadness and of anger. Perhaps I've been thinking about my neighbors too much and how their circumstances sometimes overlap with mine.
Last night. once again it was work related, and I found myself in an innocent pickle and my delays were causing the grief of others that were just trying to get their own job done as well. I was clearly out of my comfort zone and familiar territory.
The result of these has left me a little weary in the morning, and a bit sore. I've been waking up to find myself not energized and my legs and lower back full of aches.
My wife has been haveing a rough time at her own work this past week as well. She's been getting up early to go to work, working long hours, and then coming home and working on her laptop for additional hours. Last night as I watched TV, she was on her laptop until 11pm! She's on salary (for 40 hours), but easily has worked about 60 hours a week the past two, and has to go out of town next week on a business trip for 6 days (Vegas, no less). She's been getting no support at work...she told me her boss and her co-worker have been working very minimal hours at best...and then keep questioning her on the status of everything. There may be some organizational changes in the future she fears as well, which may place her under a different manager, and now she fears that she'll be stuck in her position for another five or more years.
Unfortunately with the economy the way it it, and her limited skill set, she can't really afford to quit and look for a new job. We aren't broke, nor are we close to losing our home, but we really can't afford any luxuries right now...and we don't even have a child living with us. It could be worse, but we're a long way from better too. I've been watching the candidates and this whole financial crisis thing pretty closely. We've definetly tightened our belts and made some personal sacrifices that come close to the time when I did lose my job. It can be very frustrating and mentally taxing to us and our marriage.
Monday night I had a dream in regards to my old job again...the one I lost two years back. I felt very uncomfortable running into old co-workers and I found myself walking the halls of my old company again. I'm not exactly sure why I was there, or what my circumstances were, but I do know in the back of my mind I was concerned about finances.
Tuesday I dreamt my wife and I were arguing, and that she threatened divorce. I have no idea again the circumstances that led up to this. When I woke up that morning my emotions were both of sadness and of anger. Perhaps I've been thinking about my neighbors too much and how their circumstances sometimes overlap with mine.
Last night. once again it was work related, and I found myself in an innocent pickle and my delays were causing the grief of others that were just trying to get their own job done as well. I was clearly out of my comfort zone and familiar territory.
The result of these has left me a little weary in the morning, and a bit sore. I've been waking up to find myself not energized and my legs and lower back full of aches.
My wife has been haveing a rough time at her own work this past week as well. She's been getting up early to go to work, working long hours, and then coming home and working on her laptop for additional hours. Last night as I watched TV, she was on her laptop until 11pm! She's on salary (for 40 hours), but easily has worked about 60 hours a week the past two, and has to go out of town next week on a business trip for 6 days (Vegas, no less). She's been getting no support at work...she told me her boss and her co-worker have been working very minimal hours at best...and then keep questioning her on the status of everything. There may be some organizational changes in the future she fears as well, which may place her under a different manager, and now she fears that she'll be stuck in her position for another five or more years.
Unfortunately with the economy the way it it, and her limited skill set, she can't really afford to quit and look for a new job. We aren't broke, nor are we close to losing our home, but we really can't afford any luxuries right now...and we don't even have a child living with us. It could be worse, but we're a long way from better too. I've been watching the candidates and this whole financial crisis thing pretty closely. We've definetly tightened our belts and made some personal sacrifices that come close to the time when I did lose my job. It can be very frustrating and mentally taxing to us and our marriage.
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