Therapy, Part Duex

Well, I've been back on my anti-depressants for just over two weeks now (although I did forget to take one this morning), and I'm not sure they have kicked in or not. This past week especially I've had a lot of physical anxiety, precursor to a full fledged panic attack, on at least three seperate days now. This past Saturday was the worst where I broke down and took a pill to combat the feeling. Otherwise a steady stream of exercising, breathing exercises, and intense prayer only seem to have a temporary effect on me. My birthday sucked. That was two weeks ago, and for those that are wondering....no, I did not get anything, not even a card from my wife. On the 17th, instead of drinking green beer and 'whupping' it up at any watering hole, I was instead at therapy. I planned on an hour session and it came to be closer to an hour and half, maybe slightly more. There was a lot of self-pity and crying, but it felt good to get it out. The therapist gave me a book to borrow, "Don't seat the small stuff: For couples". The following few days, I devoured that book and it made a lot of sense....in the moment. But as is usually the case, mere hours after a temporary reprieve, I start feeling crappy again, a small ball of anxiety and sadness manifesting within my chest....sometime making it uncomfortable to breathe. I've realized I am so scared of rejection...of being alone...of taking the steps to start over yet again. Whereas divorce never entered my vocabulary a few years ago, the thought is populating my head more and more often. I have so much love to give someone, and the desire to share and to be wanted by my wife or anyone. I'm a decent looking guy. I actually got hit on the other day and it made me feel good, but then again, it wasn't my wife...the person I swore "For better or for worse, till death do us part". I know I could remarry...someday....but I don't want to. I don't understand why my wife is so hot and cold. After my session, the therapist asked me to ask my wife to attend the following week. To my surprise, my wife agreed. However, the session did not go as I envisioned it. I really...honestly....really tried to steer away from financial talk, but the therapist sensed a hot button and pushed. Once again, my (or our) hour session went almost 2 full hours with me crumbling near the end and realizing how resentful my wife is when it comes to the topic of money. But everytime I hear my wife explain or attempt to talk about it, I am always in utter shock on how much denial she is in when it comes to her part and responsibility for 'our' current situation. Even the therapist tried to point things out to her, but she wasn't hearing it, or if she was, it was in one ear and out the other. We are supposed to go again today at 5:30 and I'm looking forward to it. Just so I can release again. Hopefully my wife remembers. We were given a HW assignment from the therapist this past week. We were supposed to write each other a note everyday and place it for the other to find. A compliment. A word of encouragement. A loving word. I managed to do it 3 times for my wife. She never acknowledged any of them. In return she never wrote me one note. I'm hurt. This morning I awoke early from stress. I laid in bed, my eyes once again filling up with tears. I tried to hide them by washing my face with a wash cloth. My wife never noticed. Now that I sit and write this entry and look back over the past two weeks, I realize how hard I have tried...........and how little my wife has, if at all. I can't continue like this. Perhaps I do need to call that lawyer afterall next week. God...I hate my life right now again.

Birthday Blues

Today is my birthday.

And I feel sick to my stomach.

I took my pill this morning (Day 4), and have discovered my emotions are still stronger that the medication that most likely hasn't yet kicked in, and once I found myself in my car driving to work, couldn't help but have my eyes well up.

My wife got up slightly before me, (she rarely does), and by some small wishful fantasy of mine, I thought perhaps she might have gotten up early to put out a birthday card or present for me.

That wasn't the case. As I came downstairs to a pot of coffee I did get a "Happy Birthday" from her, and a peck of a kiss......but no card....and no present.

As long as I'm feeling sorry for myself, let me also say I received no email, card, or call from my step-daughter either. Still awaiting the 'thank you' for the present I sent her last month.

Really? Wow, why am I not surprised.

The day is still early, and I'd like to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I'm being very premature. Perhaps there will be a card waiting for me later tonight, maybe not. I don know she has told me that she has a softball game this evening at 7:30, so the earliest she will be home is around 8:45. There are no indications of any planned festivities this weekend and I suppose that's weighing on my mind as well. My wife planned on going to her sister's for dinner this upcoming Sunday and then my parents invited us both out to dinner for my birthday. I told my wife she was invited out with my parents, but instead of saying "okay, I'll call my sister and reschedule for another time.", I instead got....nothing. Yup...nothing.

I don't want to call my birthday a 'test', but in a way it is. I can honestly see where I rank, and it's not very high by my observations.

So do I continue to pray to God and hope this gets better...some day? Will that day be in a month? A year? A decade? I'm not sure I can last that long or want to wait that long any more.

The more and more I think about everything, and if I am really honest with myself, I don't have a partner in the biblical sense and more and more both my family and friends are telling me and have been telling me I'm getting walked on. So why don't I have a spine?

It's because I'm a dreamer. I want to be in-love. I want a real marriage, a real partner, a real best friend, a real person I can grow old with who respects me. I honestly don't feel I have that, nor do I feel I am going to get that anytime soon.

My biggest fear in all of this: being labeled a failure, another statistic, a man with baggage. I fear for losing my house, something I've tried so hard to keep and fought so hard for to keep us above water.

My inlaws, whom I have a great relationship with, are out of town for the next 2 weeks, and I really feel strongly that I need to see them on my own as a sit down as well as my own parents and explain my thoughts, concerns, and issues, so that if I do indeed decide to move forward in seeking legal counsel that this doesn't take them by surprise. I know for a fact my wife will be livid when she finds out I spoke to her parents and mine, but I really don't see any other option at this point and believe me, it won't be the first time she gets mad at me and gives me the silent treatment.

I see my counsler tonight. Did I already mention that? Yeah, I'm seeing one on my birthday to let it all out. I have no other plans anyway...apparently. I pary to God for a miracle, but to be honest, my prayers have pretty much have gone un-answered for quite some time now, so I don't have a lot of faith for divine intervention right about now, and that really sucks and makes me feel bad too. Chalk that up as a 'spiritual' failure in my book.

I do have a friend taking me out to lunch today and I've already shared much of this with him. He's a good guy and probably my best friend these days. But after lunch, I don't know if I can come back to work today. I'm just not 'feeling' it. I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have no desire to really interact with anyone else for fear of myself having a meltdown.

That's all for now.

Meds- Day 4

Today is day 4 on my 20mg of Citropram.....and I feel okay.

I'm not nearly as emotional as I was yesterday. I'm surprised I survived a whole day of work without anyone noticing what a basket case I was. However, towards the end of the day, my chest was a little sore, like the onset of a panic attack that never took hold. Just a light ache when I took deep breaths.

And strangely, my wife was very nice and chatty and even somewhat loving towards me last night. Basically almost a 180 from a few days before. Probably one of the reasons relationships drive me nuts. (sometimes I wonder if she actually the bipolar one and not me, or maybe we both are and I'm the only one who knows)

I met her after work at the bowling alley and was greeted by not only a kiss from her, but her team mates all commented on how good I'm starting to look now that I've dropped 20lbs. Yup, I weighed in this morning at 217, down from 237 almost 2 months ago. It was an ego boost to my soul that people are noticing and asking me what I'm doing....so that was my bright spot of the day.

I have selected the 'in-network' therapist out of my own personal financial concerns and will have my 1st visit with her tomorrow, Wed., at 5:30pm. Depending on how it goes, I have chosen the first female therapist as a backup and have a tentative appointment Saturday morning as a back-up plan. She seemed to give me a better vibe over the phone in our brief phone conversation.

Took my gym clothes today so I will be hitting the gym after work, at least to ride the bike. Started the morning with my wife 'touching' me in bed...nothing sexual...just placed her hand on me and for the first time in months I didn't want the moment to end. Had a good cup of coffee and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and so far work is 'okay' today.

Someone recommended that I read the book of Proverbs yesterday. I tried reading chapter 1 & 2, but I just couldn't focus. It just wasn't making sense, but then again, nothing was yesterday.

Trying out Therapists

What an awkward and uncomfortable process.

Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.

Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.

Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.

The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.

The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.

Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.

Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"

Bah....this whole process sucks.

Falling

I'm starting to exhibit the signs of a mini-meltdown again, and the last few days have been increasingly hard for me to feel any source of positive emotions.

Perhaps the trigger was the dealings of my wife mid-last week. A lot had to do with the fact she said I wasn't showing my step-daughter any respect, and I had, and still am for that matter, able to digest and find truth in this. Maybe it's the fact my wife has now left the door open for my step-daughter to possibly come back....a source of tension for everyone involved. My wife and her daughter have a love/hate relationship and the cloud of darkness at times in the house is palpable.

Perhaps it the fact my birthday is coming up in a few days and we have no plans, or at least I take it as my wife has made no plans to celebrate it and instead invited her friends to our house next Saturday.

Perhaps it the lack of any real sex-life as of late.

Or is it the threat of another layoff any day, and our still 'head-just-above-water' financial status.

My mother gave me a lecture or dressing down yesterday over the phone as well in reagrds to fixing a leaky sinkin my house. Apprantly my 'priorities' are all wrong and she's very disapointed in me.

Needless to say, I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of grief that I cannot control.

I chose not to go to church this past weekend. As a matter of fact, it took all my energy to get out of the house to go to the gym yesterday and even more so this morning to get ready for work. I realize I'm not happy at work. I loathe it, but bills need to get paid.

Last night my wife informed me we were going to her sister's house for dinner. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 40 minutes away, and these dinners always seem to be hours on end. I like my sister and brother in law...I do. But Sunday nights (a work night) is not my cup of tea to have yet another 4.5 hour outing. And now my wife informed me last night that she will be having dinner with her family on Sundays from now on for the foreseeable future. I am welcome to go and invited, but I just can't see meyslef doing this every Sunday. I get burnt out on all the nonsense.

So my wife is out Monday's, out Wedensday, and now Sunday evenings as well. I can't get her to even spend 1.5 with me at church. It seems the only thing my wife wants to be involved with anymore and invite me if there is alcohol involved. That may not be a fair statement, but that what it seems like to me.

And let's not even get me started on that damn Facebook. She can bury herself in that for hours at a time and I'm learning to despise her friends a little more each time. I'm becoming envious that they are effectively taking up more time than our own relationship.

The strange thing that throws me for a loop is she does says she loves me and she does kiss me, but it seems our passion is gone. If one were to ask me anymore, I could not say for certainty that she is still 'in love' love with me and that hurts.

So the last few days my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've taking a 1 mg Clonzapam to calm me down and I wonder if they are losing their potency sitting in the medicine cabinet, because they just don't seem like they kick in as quickly as I remember.

I also started (day 3) of my Citropram (anti-depressant) but it's going to take a few more days for them to kick in as well.

I cried this morning.

And once again I wondered and got deathly scared of the word 'divorce'. I don't want to lose my house, and freindships, and I loathe confrontation, but I am not a happy person.

My 'Taking it Back' strategy seemed to work in other areas, like getting me productive in losing weight and kick-starting my hobbies, but it hasn't helped me emotionally.

Today I got a list of therapsists that deal with marriage therapy, anxiety and panic disorders, depression, etc. I made a call and left a message to a new female Dr. near my house and I suppose I'm waiting for a call back. I did tell my wife this morning that I need to see a counsler and there really wasn't a notable response back, but I thought I'd let her know anyway.

I have 10 more months on my car payment and I wonder if I can stick it out. The whole idea of selling the house (and taking a loss), packing and moving into a condo, or asking my wife to leave just seems so unreal to me, but it's been part of my thought process the last few days. More than ever I've been thinking about a new partner, someone who actually wants to be my equal, someone who also has a priority for God as well.

My wife has all this potential now, thus the reason I married her and fell in love with her in the first place.....but as a friend recently told me, "she's lost", and all my prayers and dilligence don't seem to be making a dent.

Two posts, One day

It's nearing 5 o'clock, and while I've kept myself distracted for the most part of the day, I can't help but circle back around to what happened last night/this morning and feel just as confused all these hours later.

:Interupt:

I just got a text message from my wife. She says she is going to hang out with a friend of hers and will be home later.

I suppose that saves me some awkwardness when I get home. I guess I'll head to the gym again, ride the bike, lift some weights, burn some negative energy, and go home.

Weird, the friend she's about to go see is a friend I spoke to earlier about our issues. This friend I can usually trust in 100% confidence not to share anything with my wife, so I'm not too worried (although there's always a chance I could get the shit torn out of me later when I'm just minding my own business). Anyway, the friend knows how I feel and may be able to calm my wife down in her own way.

I still feel a bit anxious. Not sure if it's reaction to the pill this morning, or my emotions are still flared up, or a combo of both. Probably the later. My wife needs some space and nothing good could come of us seeing each other right now. Here's to hoping her friend talks some sense into her and points out that me, the husband, isn't the only person who thinks certain things.

Okay....I'm off to try and work out my nerves.

And you're right....this is no Japan...and I need to remind myself of that.

"You don't treat her like a daughter"

Well, my evening got worse last night....and no matter how bad I was tempted (and believe me I was), I cut the impending argument off at the pass and just excused myself to our room at 10pm.

As I mentioned yesterday, the previous few weeks seem to have been okay. Wife and I had been getting along, but then there is always that calm before the storm.

It appears my step-daughter who recently moved out 6 weeks ago is having 'social problems' in her new environment. I kinda predicted this months ago and warned and warned and warned to both my wife and my step-daughter this was a mistake. But my step-daughter is stubborn and she 'had to get out and be with her friends.'

I had a feeling that tiem had passed for many of these teenagers and it wasn't going to be like highschool anymore. They will have jobs, and boyfriends and girlfriends, and college, and want to move away from that town themselves. I said to my wife "Mark my words....The first 2-3 weeks it will be fun, but by week 4 the novelty will wear off and her friends won't be as accessible and in two months she'll be calling us up to move back in."

I clearly remember sitting my step-daughter down and talking to her, warning her of this, etc., etc., etc. But she was determined. So I said to my wife and daughter, "If she goes, she needs to stick it out for at least 6 months." My step-daughter has a history of quitting, and most of the problems she has today is because everyone in her family makes excuses for her time and time again. How does one learn from their mistakes or learn to pick themselves up off the ground if she never experiences her own personal responsibility?

Needless to say, I guess after 6 weeks out in the wild, she's hinted that life is not all what its cracked up to be. So of course, instead of words of encourgement, my wife has already basically caved "If it gets too bad, you can come home."

WHAT?? No one has discussed this with me. I wasn't part of this, and I'll be honest, my house is much less stressful, and much more clean. Bills have gone down.. My TV is actually my TV again. There are no radical mood swings, dirty dishes piling up, and the feeling of anybody walking on egg shells.

Smash cut to last night:

I was sitting watching the TV by myself and I heard my wife talking to her ex. Come to find out my step-daughter lied to us. She not living with an older married couple and their kid as she once explained to me. She living with un-married teenagers and their brand new baby!! Oh great. To top it off, many of her 'friends' are no longer available to her, and her 'best' friend I guess told her to take a hike recently after she herself just had an abortion. Oh.....my.....God.

After the call, I asked my wife what was going on, and she told me. I said, remember...we agreed...6 months. She has to stick this through.

The next thing I heard was:

"You do not repsect her or treat her like a daughter."

Stunned to say the least.

I let her in my house, basically rent free, shuttle her to and from school, take care of her meals and everything else. All I asked for in return was to walk the dog 2x a week (to relieve me), and keep her room clean. She failed at these simple tasks. I never spanked her, new restricted her, only took her PC away from her once for lying to me for two weeks. I recently sent her money for her B-day, and to this day I have not received a call or a thank-you.

And I don't show her respect?

I could feel the ire welling up within me. Wanting to avoid any blow-out and sensing anxiety, I took a Clonzapam to calm me down. Too bad it's not instant. I went to bed without saying goodnight to my wife.

This morning, my wife had a major attitude towards me. Cold shoulder and infifference. Seriously? "What did I do?", I asked. She just went on and on on how I'm not a good step-father, never bonding with her daughter, again, not showing her respect.

"So this is all my fault? My fault she can't get along with people? My fault she ran off despite all my warnings? My fault she dropped out of school? My fault she's lazy and quits everything? My fault no one can tell she's telling the truth or not depending on the subject? Oh, this is just rich..."

I'm summing it all up. There was a lot more said by both of us, and I look back, and honestly, I still don't know what started it and how it got directed back to me. I'm livid right now. I ended up taking my 'happy pill' today, and forsee me starting a new regime over the next few weeks to mellow me out.

I won't lie. Today on my drive to work, all I could think about is divorce. I have tried, and tried, and tried. My wife...and I do love her....lives in her own world and is in so much denial...about everything....I can't even begin to to want to choose an area to work on. In my car today I listened to Christian radio and prayed feverently. Yes, I'm mad right now. I'm actually very hurt. Consider my b-day screwed to the point I don't even want to be around right now, and in that 1% chance my wife even tries to make ammends (she won't), I'm not in the mood to be receptive.

Hopefully this will all blow over, and I suppose my own emotions are super high right now. But I can't help but think I made a huge mistake 7 years ago. I'm having these visions (seriously) of being married to someone else, raising a child with a loving wife who is committed to marriage, family, and Christ....first.

It's really sad......very, very sad....my marriage right now is just an exercise in complacency and going through the motions. It's so hard to be in love with someone when you know they really don't love you back the same way.

March check in

Can't believe it's already been just over a month since my last entry. Where does the time go?

A few quick updates first:

• My train hobby is picking up 'steam' so to say. I have effectively built 85% of a 3.5' x 6.5' benchwork layout. I hope to complete this foundation in the next 2 weeks and get ready for the real fun: laying track. Too bad my wife, (as per usual) jumped to a massive conclusion about this before it was even close to being constructed. She got on my case about thinking it would end up in our 'guest bedroom' as a permanent fixture but I tried to explain I was 'temporarily' building it in there because of the lighting, solid hardwood floor and ample room to make construction and clean up easier. That was a 2 hour argument she started and already made up her mind before I was even done. Sucked for me, because in the end, it ended up in a different room anyway. I wish she's just keep things to herself at times until 'after' crap is finished....and save everyone a lot of energy, and feelings for stuff that didn't happen except in her head.
• Diet is stalled out. I've been hovering at 223lbs the last 2 weeks and can't seem to budge again, but I have plans on hitting the gym the next 4 days pretty hard.
• Been reading books like a madman. I read two books in totality over the last 4 weeks, and have already made considerable gains in 2 others I recently started.
• This upcoming weekend is the weekend me and some of my guy friends have set aside to make beer. This was one of my 'Taking it Back' tasks for 2011, and I hope to check it off this weekend. Alas, (I know this sucks in saying this), I wish my wife would chill out. Not to be out-done, because God forbid I do 'something' fun for once on my own, she's upping the ante like this is some kinda un-said competition and has proclaimed Girls Day Out this Saturday...yeah, like she ever needed to proclaim this. Whatever. I shouldn't care, but I'd be lying if I didn't thinks part of the reason she's doing this is to get under my skin. Maybe not so directly to my face, but the comment she made to a friend, "I need to get out of our town" just seemed childish. We just went away last weekend, and 2 weeks ago she went out to her friends, so I have no idea what the heck she's talking about...as if there is some ankle chain holding her down and can't breathe. Really?
• There's a shake up at my company yet again. President stepped down and we will get a new chief in 3 weeks. Great...this all coincides with the 'reumor' of layoffs for next week.
• My birthday is next week, mid week, and my wife announced that next Saturday she invited 'her' friends over to our house. Great....So my b-day weekend gets usurped by her social life. No wonder I've been moody the last few days. God, I sound like such a baby and so selfish, but yes, this stings a bit and perhaps has made me feel a bit more aggressive towards her the last few days.
• Or was it the fact she managed to bounce 3 checks last week?
• Or the fact the cable company called last night to inform us we're two months behind that I had no idea about because she normally takes care of this. But hey, she's got softball on Wed., and bowling on Monday, so of course she has no time for the actual responsibilities...like bills. That would get in the way of 'fun'.

You know, I'm just in a mood today. Looking back at these last few bullets...that's raw. I wasn't planning on that at all, but I'm not going to erase it. I've been holding this in the last few days and slowly simmering....not boiling though. I think I've learned that 'boiling' gets me nowhere but making myself sick. But it's all true....at least from MY perspective. I'm sure she'd have an answer or explanation for all these...and even though deep down I do care, I just can't muster up the energy to invest in listening to them...because to me, it's just blah, blah, blah...someone trying to justify things in their own mind to someone else to make themselves feel better or deflect the balme or responsibility, or whatever.

Sorry this post took a negative turn. Wasn't my intention.

What was that all about?

Yesterday was a very odd day for me.

Often my entries are very fresh...if I'm at a keyboard, they are in the heat of the moment....raw and unedited.

After I signed off yesterday I was looking forward to going to the gym and burn off that negative energy. As I drove to the gym, I saw a car in front of me that had a bumper sticker from a company called (of all things) 'Christ Bumpers'...and it had a message from both old and new testaments that seemed to minister to me, although seemingly by coincidence.

Needing some additional uplifting, I turned to the Christian radio station and the message was regarding those that are exposed over and over and over to the good news, yet still reject it. Too bad I only caught the tail end of it, but just these brief ten minutes or so seemed to give me some comfort.

I went to the gym and rode the bike for 30 minutes, increasing the resistance by a notch and noted that my endurance is indeed improving. There's no way I could do level 10 for 30 minutes 6 weeks ago. It was more like level 8 for 15 minutes, then 20 minutes, then 25 all the while while increasing the resistance as well.

Last night my wife had softball (her team won by the way), so I was alone with my dog for about 2 hours. It was nice. I got to catch up on some shows I had previously taped, but I got to play with my dog. For being 5.5 years old, he was like a puppy last night....being goofy and silly and we had a good time. After we played he snuggled up with me on the couch as I lay down...and he lay next to me.....not hard for him to do when I'm gently petting him.

It's what the doctor ordered....at least for the moment.

Last night I did have a 'uncomfortable' dream though. It wasn't a nightmare or disturbing. It was about my college friends from 20 years ago. I just happened to walk into a night spot and noted a very close group of my friends there obviosuly for a party I wasn't invited to. I could tell at first they were all a bit uncomfortable that I just happened to be there, not because they didn't like me or want me there, but more so they were embarassed in fact I wasn't invited. The reason was that the 'organizer', an old friend of mine, had decided to exclude me from his life (true story) without ever saying why.

I know this sounds odd, but its a true story. I have/had a friend I used to hang out with in college and about 10 years ago he just wrote me off with no explanation. I wrack my brain to this day wondering what happened. Was it something I did? Something I said? The fact that I am the polar opposite of his politcal viewpoint and even perhaps his religious viewpoints? I don't know.

I suppose I could write him a letter, try to extend the olive branch to know what I did...or didn't do...but I've been afraid. I'm afraid I may hear something I don't want to hear. I want to be a man about this, but there's something to that old saying "somethings are better left unsaid." Or that old movie, A Few Good Men. "You can't handle the truth!" Maybe.

I'm a very sensitive man,a nd the last thing I hate to do is to hurt anyone or disapoint them. I've asked mutual friends of our why I was written off, but either they are trying to protect me, or truly do not know.

Anyway, I look back at our relationship.....and we are opposites. It's not that he is a bad person...not at all. He's a loving husband and father and very smart. But we do not agree in politics (at all), and I'm pretty sure he's agnostic and may think I'm too religious for him. The thing is, I really don't espouse my beliefs unless someone asks. I am not a rolemodel for the faithful, nor am I on street corners condemning the masses. If I did, I'd start with the man in the mirror.

I really don't know and it's one of those open ended mysteries that plagues me. Why it came to a head in my dreams last night, I have no idea.

I'm sure I will dwell on this for a bit today, off and on...that's who I am...but it will pass in time until my next mental crisis.

That being said, I'm in a better emotional state today.

Oh, and today I was 223.8 lbs. Yay.

Emotional day

Today seems like an abberation of the past few weeks.

For the first time since the new year, I seem to be extremely emotional today, and not of the happy go-lucky sort.

I woke up cold (it was 62 in the house), and sore (took the last few days off from the gym) as I've been more achy than usual. The only good news is my wiegh in this morning has me at 224, and yesterday I was 223.8, so I breached the 225 barrier of the last two weeks. You'd think I'd be elated, but instead I just seemed....introspective and docile.

I didn't want to come to work again today and while I was a bit busier than I had been the last two weeks, it hasn't been enough to make this day go by any faster. Actually the last 2 hours seemed like 4.

Okay, back to my emotions. I've run the gamut of being disgusted, mad, sad, crying, lonely, angry, and judgemental to some degree. Not at anyone person or thing that I can pin it all on, but just in general.

I had fantasies of being alone again this morning, with the random thoughts of "Why did I get married again?" I know it's Valentines day next Monday, but I think we're both kinda ignoring it for some reason. She has bowlinng and I just don't want to spend the money. My wife did hurt my feelings the other day. Out of the blue she said I wasn't 'spontaneous' anymore. This really bothered me, and still does.

I don't know how many times I have attempted to be spontaneous, just to be shot down numerous times to the point I just kinda gave up and decided I gotta do more stuff to keep me busy. She wasn't trying to be mean or start an argument with me...it just sorta came out of her mouth....and it's been nagging me for days now. Of course, like an idiot, I countered "Ha...that's rich. When was the last time you were spontaneous? I could name 100 things where you'd be pressed to name 5." The rest of our drive back home was pretty quiet and neither one of us have brought it up since, but I haven't let it go yet.

I've been having dreams of old friends again....those that I've lost touch with....and don't know why. That is, I don't know why we drifted apart, but we did and it saddens me.

I read a passage in a book today about a man, very similar to myself, who lost his dog unexpectdely after 10 years. I cried. I cried very hard and I just pray to God that pets do have souls and go to heaven, or that I'll see my dog again some day in the afterlife. He's 5 years old and I love him more than you can imagine. He has been my saving grace, and even as I type this, my eyes are watering up again.

Remember when I said I need to stop reading the news? Yeah, I can't even follow my own advice. I read a story today about a teenage mom who gave birth to a baby and left it abandoned in a public portable outhouse outside a circus. A groundskeeper found the baby close to death and had it rushed to teh hospital suffering from hypothermia. Can you imagine being dumped off in a toilet at birth?

Then what about the whale that was hit by a boat and has a broken back in the bay area?

God, please hear my prayers today. This world is cruel, and sick, and we all suffer from loss.

I need to go now.

Friday update

Heh, what a boring title. I wanted to try an be cute, but maybe it's too early in the morning for my creative side to be functioning.

I ended up going to the gym last night and rode the bike for a full 30 minutes. Afterwards I did about 15 minutes of legs, came home and mae myslef a pretty lean steak sandwich with lettuce, tomato, red onion, and a slice of swiss on flax multigrain flatbread chased with a large glass of water. Dessert was fat free butterscoth pudding made with 2% milk.

So why am I telling you this? Well, I'm still sore as heck, but had two decent nights of solid sleep, but this morning I weighed in ar 224.6 lbs. I have officially broke the 225 barrier and haven't weighed this in almost 4 or 5 years. My goal is still 216 by mid March, so I have just under 10 lbs to go in the next 5-6 weeks (or 2 lbs a week).

What do I miss most? I actually have these 10 minute periods where the craving for an ice cold beer is all consuming. But generally if I do something else, I can make. That's not to say if my friends didn't come over and put a beer in front of me....well....I'd probably drink it. I also still miss 'crunchy' food.

Still a bit cool here but supposed to warm up this weekend. One of my friends finally decided to have a small Super Bowl gathering that we'll be attending so after work tonight I'll be going to the grocery store to pick up my contribution (undetermined at this point), but I'm also going to pick up meat for sausage. I figure tonight I'll grind meat and marinate, and tomorrow I'll stuff casings. If I can get this done in the morning, I can go to the gym, and still maybe make it to Home Depot to pick up my train layout supplies as well. I hope this will be a productive weekend for me.

I'm officially 1 month into 'Taking it Back', and so far, I'm pretty happy with the results....and the nice thing is...they are of my own making this time.

Hump day update

Wow, look at me....on a roll with updates this past week.

I'm super sore today. Last night I went 110% on bombing my shoulders and even did some legs at the gym. Years ago I had huge legs. I wasn't the fasted person in the world (I hate and loathe running of any sort), but I can remember both Highschool Football and soccer coaches were interested in me based on my legs alone.

In college I blew out my knee. Torn ACL and meniscus. Long recovery, but that was back in '93-'94. Today, I just don't work out my legs that much anymore, but last night I wanted to change it up at the gym (I'm already getting sick and tired of the bike for 25-30 min), so I decided to do calves, hamstrings, and quads. Wow is all I can say. My quads are just a former shaodw of themselves and I was even surprised on how little weight I can do these days compared to yesteryear.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and I'm sore....I mean sore. Not really my legs, but my shoulders. Bought some protein powder for a post work-out drink, had a baked potatoe and single breast of chicken topped with just salsa last night. This morning was one packet of oatmeal and flaxseed. My weight.....225.8 (still down from my inital 237), but I really haven't budged the last few days. Was it the pizza Friday night? The two beers I had on Sunday? I don't know, but I have to be extra dilligent the remainder of this week. I'm hoping to be 224 by Sunday without starving myself.

Wife is playing her first softball game tonight at 8:50pm. I'm pretty sure the field closes at 10pm so hopefully everyone will go home afterwards and I won't have to worry about her grabbing beers at 10:30, But even if she does, I have to not let it get to me.

Work has picked up a bit, but not enough to make the day super meaningful. Still bored, but the 8 hour stretch now seems like only 5-6.

Saturday, I may go to Home Depot to buy the basic 2x6's, clamps, screws, and what not to start my train layout. I measured the room this morning and while 4' x 8' just looks huge for a N-scale train, I may just settle for 3' x 6' or 7'. I have a folding table in their now which is 2.5' x 6' and that's just to shallow. Amazing what 6" more making it 3' can do. I have a friend who said he may be available later in the day to help me bring the wood back in his truck as I don't think a sheet of plywood will fit in mine.

I'm also contemeplating making sausage Saturday as well. With Superbowl this weekend, all the grocery stores in my area are having fantastic sales on meat, so I have to at least buy pork and beef on Saturday if I don't make it. I have no idea what I'm really doing for Saturday.

Speaking of Superbowl.....so far, we have no plans. In the past we've usually been invited to parties, or have thrown 1 or 2 small ones ourselves over the years, but as of today....nothing. I hope we get together with someone. I like to chat and watch the commercials with friends, but so far, there is no word, so unsure if we'll be alone this weekend or not. It may be better for my diet if we are alone.....the temptation of having beer and buffalo wings, chips & dip and other crap may just ruin my progress this week.

Egypt: I'm so lost

Yes, this post is way out of left field but what's been going on Egypt the last week has me completely baffeled.

Despite everything I talk about or share here, I normally don't comment on world events. It's not because I live in a bubble. You'd be surprised to learn that I'm pretty much a news junkie....and maybe one of the reasons I've been prone to depression.

This may be a generalization, but I tend to beleive that most news that we watch, read, or hear about leans towards the negative. Most headlines or lead stories today overwhelmingly have a 'dire' outcome and are over sensationalized. It seems for every one feel good story, or article for hope and human kindness, it is quickly outnumbered by those full of death, disease, destruction, corruption, crime, sexual immorality, whatever.

I'm not sure I'm the biggest fan of the digital age, that news is at our fingertips 24/7. I almost feel we are too conencted. It was only less than 75 years ago that news sometimes took a few days to reach us. Even with the introductions of the telephone, televisions, film camera's, etc., it still seemed to take a bit of time for 'world' events to hit the common person. I think of the films of the 50's where children were sheltered and thier biggest concern was if it was a snow day. Women wondered about what was happening at the local salon, and in general we were all just a bit more isolated.

Then came cell phones, and satellites, and the Internet. Now it's iPad's, and Facebook, and Smart Phones, and GPS in your car. Yes, the technology is great and it stands for progress and moving us forward, but mankind has allowed information to flow too freely. We hear of cyber-bullying (a term that wasn't around 10 years ago). We hear about 'sexting', and all the drivel from wannabe armchair politicians from Twitter and most of it is from reality stars or musicians.

I've often said 'ignorance can indeed be bliss', and we all may be just a little happier if we just stopped listening to the news for a few days.

But I'm guilty of not following my own advice. See, I get bored very easily, especially when it's slow at work. My smart phone doesn't help now that I get CNN updates to my phone a few times a day to keep me abreast of what's going on. I'll be the first to admit, relucantly, that I'm pretty plugged in (I think this comes out of my natural tendency to analyze and raw curiosity) to the world. I'm pretty well informed about about current events.

But Egypt has taken me completely off guard.

I understand the Egyptian people want the gov't ousted. But what started this? Why now? What do the people really want? And other than unstability in oil prices for us, what is the immediate, intermediate, and long term global impact?

I've tried to read a few articles on both CNN and Fox, listen to a few interviews on AM radio....but I still feel cluless. It scares me a bit even though it's on the other side of the world. That whole region of the middle east....it never ending chaos and has been for thousands of years. Granted, I'm not muslim, and this may be a generalization, but for a region that is predominatly muslim, they sure hate each other as much as they hate the west and Christianity.

Oh, there's blights Christianity as well (Crusades anybody?), but this part of the world just can't seem to get it after 3000+ years, let alone our measly 225.

Birthing pains for the end as foretold in Revaltions?

I really need to stop listening to the news for my own sanity.

Changes and witnessing

For those that are stopping by and wondered what happened to the subdued green palette here before, I thought it was time for a little change.

I wanted a little color, something that was a little bit more upbeat. I like the fact that Blogger has some new picture inspired templates, and the background picture you see here was out of their stock section. Why this picture? Well, I love the southwest. I may not always enjoy 100+ degree temperatures, but I love the mystery and isolation of a beautiful desert. The way these barrel cactus's stand for 100+ years in complete solitude and weather the elements has some symbology buried somewhere in their about me.

There was another picture as well or a beautiful blue sky with billowy clouds that I liked as well, but this one won out...just barely.

Not sure if I'll keep the format as it stands right now. I may play with a few of the colors and fonts before I settle on a finalized look, so bare with me if you notice a few minor changes over the next few weeks.

Okay, back to the present.....I didn't do too much this weekend. We stayed in both Friday and Saturday nights which I guess is a good thing from a financial standpoint. It may not be good from a diet standpoint as neither one of us was in the mood to cook, so my wife ordered a pizza in which I only ate about 4 slices. I was also happy and surprised she took a rare interest in a video game I was playing. It's called 'Alan Wake' and it's a very unique, story-driven, game with interesting writing and very realistic graphics. Normally she's not into my games, but this one plays like a movie, and she got sucked in and was genuinely interested.

Saturday morning I went to my men's bible study, then the gym, then to the butcher to buy my hog casing and back fat to make sausage. When I was there, I met an interesting dude who was a bit salty in his language, but he invited me over to his house to give me some elk sausage he had flown in from Alaska. Now I know this sounds terribly weird and possibly dangerous and may raise a yellow flag with most people, but I just left the gym and I was looking big and this guy was older but he truly seemed authentic to me (though I did call my wife from cell phone....just in case). His place was only about 2 miles from the butcher shop and in a pretty public area so I agreed. I never stepped in his house and he was kind enough to bring me out a few pounds of sausage....gave me his card....and said in the coming weeks he'd be smoking some salmon (my favorite) and said he'd like for me to come back over and even bring my wife. We'll see, but so far he seems harmless enough. There may be an opportunity down the road to witness to him, but it just didn't feel right for me to bring it up, but through his conversation with me he offered up that he was divorced and despite his jovial demeanor towards me, I could sense some confusion and bitterness underneath.

Speaking of witnessing, I had a long lost cousin contact me yesterday. I won't go into all the details on what brought us to our first conversation in almost 7-8 years yesterday, but it seemed like a miracle to me. He's my second cousin, is quite a few years older than me (I believe he's in his late 50's), live is San Fransisco and gay.

I don't know exactly what happened in the past, nor do I want to know, nor is it my business, but parts of my family have written my parents (and by proxy...me) because we're Christian. I think in their mind they picture or stereotype all Christians as these right-wing fanatics who are intolerant and preach hate in regards to sexual identity.

I finally had the chance to set the record straight with him yesterday, and I could just tell he was so relieved and a great burden was lifted off his shoulders. I calmly told him that I was sorry he and others felt that way, but they never bothered to try and talk to me...to find out my viewpoints, my thoughts, my concerns, instead they let CNN and Al Franken define who I was instead.

I think he was surprised to learn my best friend in college was gay, that he stood in my wedding party. He was even more surprised to learn that I don't believe being gay is a one way ticket to hell.

Being a Christian is a relationship between you and God. We are not supposed to judge others, and the only way to heaven in through Him, not me, not politics, not a pastor, not tithing, and not just good works. I told him we'll be very surprised by who we see and who we don't see in heaven, that WE ALL fall short if only by the grace of God. No one is better than someone else, and there is no mention of sexuality in heaven. Sexuality is an issue here on earth and quite frankly I think once we die and are in heaven, sex in the 'carnal' sense no longer has any meaning. Of course I don't know this for fact, but there's nothing I've read in the new testament that describes husbands and wives and procreation in heaven.

I don't want this entry to be about gay versus straight. It's not. It's about a family member who carried around with him a lot of pent up frustration over the years on hear-say and came to false conclusions and separation based on perceived ideology...not actually talking to someone. I think after we spoke for nearly 40 minutes, he realized that my walk with Christ is not fire and brimstone. I told him Christ hung out with thieves, liars, prostitutes, the lowly of society....not the rich and pompous and elite do-gooders. I told him I have my own struggles...with depression and sin, and had thoughts of anger and bitterness as well, that just because I'm Christina, it didn't stop me from being human. I told him (not in great detail) of my struggles in marriage and that I still swear when I'm mad, and I still have drinks here and there.

It really opened his eyes and he promised to contact me again in the future. By no means am I a theologian, nor can I quote bible scripture of the top of my head, but looking back, all the events that led him to call me is nothing short of a blessing from God and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be open and not condemning.

Brief Check-in

A bit of a small entry today....basically I'm bored to death.

Our work is very slow this week. Calls are considerably down and a current re-re-review of our departmental budget has basically handcuffed my manager from making any progress whatsoever on any planned projects. Looks like we're all twiddling our thumbs which sucks because it makes for very long days. This is day number three in whcih we are all more or less staring at each other praying that the phone rings to give us something to do.

My wife told me she wants to play softball on Wed. nights now with a few of her friends at work. I really don't know how I feel about this. On one hand I look at it as just another night we're not together, her spending money we don't have, and possibly another excuse for her to have a drink mid-week now. The flip-side is I have the house to myself one extra night and not bothered where I could possibly work on my trains in peace, that she may be getting some exercise. To give her an ounce of credit, she did ask me if I wanted to play, but I think only really because they are desperate for people...I think as it stands they are short a few people for a whole team. And softball/baseball just isn't my thing.

My weigh-in this morning has me in at 225 on the nose, or down a total of 12 pounds. I can now tuck my shirt in my pants without trying to hide a little ponch, and now a few co-workers have noticed and said I look thinner in the face.

It is day two without my step-daughter, and I feel good. I did look in her vacant room today and noticed that even though I asked her a half a dozen times to make it spotless, and she promised me and assured me it would be....alas it's not. Clumps of 1/2 attempted piles of swept up debris in various spots. It's like she got distracted 1/2 way through, couldn't find a dustpan or the vacuum, so she just left it for us. It figures....and it's exactly what I expected and it pisses me off. I mentioned it to my wife this morning and she said "Well, it's as good as it gets for her." (Translation on how I understand it: Just another excuse and enablement from my wife to let her daughter do a half-assed job and no repercussions or responsibility.) This means I will clean it this weekend, if not tonight, and throw out anything left behind. I guess it makes me mad because I really feel my step-daughter took complete advantage of willingness to put her up when her dad kicked her out, and she has zero respect for me, my very lenient rules, and my house. No, I'm thinking I don't really miss her afterall and I will learn to relax more over time and feel comfortable in my own house. That room will be mine for my trains or storage....I don't care what my wife says.

Yeah, I sound a little cranky today. The last two nights I've been suffering some erratic sleep patterns and some disturbing dreams....bordering on full fledged nightmares. Anyway, I felt a little agitated this morning, slightly anxious, but nothing I can narrow it down to as the 'root' cause.

Still thinking about missing church this last weekend and feel guilty. However, unsure if the guilt is justified or not. Am I feeling guilty because I'm conditioned to believe that 2-3 hours a week are 'required' to be in God's grace, like it needs to be my works that grant me salvation, or, is my spirit really that hungry, and the restless sleep and nightmares a condition of the Enemy creeping in. And why do I analyze my personal theology and faith so much. I have OCD when it comes to my personal walk with Christ.

Knowing Christ and God and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be a blessing. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely under the microscope and that I am not worthy of Thier free gifts, and I'm trying to 'earn' my salvation. I know that's a big HUGE "No-No", but my mind gets the better of my heart more often than I would like to admit.

I think I may have to crack the New Testament later for some words of strength and encouragement.

Taking it Back - an update (part III)

It's been another 5 days since my last update and I have a hodge-podge of small blurbs regarding both my resolution and other thinsg in general:

Resolution wise (Taking it Back):

• I've lost approx 11 pounds in the last 22 days from hitting the gym, riding the bike, lifting weights, eating better, and cutting back on alcohol consumption. (Going tonight as a matter of fact)
• I've been actively trying to organize a 4 day camping trip at a nice oasis about 90 miles from our home and getting some freinds involved. It started out pretty good, but since no one wants to commit to an actual day, it's kinda up in the air....but I tried.
• I bought some replacement sausage stuffing tubes via Amazon and they were delivered yesterday. I hope to get back into home made sausage making again in the coming weeks and have a tasting BBQ shortly thereafter.
• I went to a model railroad train convention this past weekend and bought myself a train and some supplies. I look to start buying some wood within the next month after I clean up my office and begin construction on the basic frame for a train layout.
• I told my wife I am attending a party for a friend of mine on Feb 18th. She is welcome to come with me, and I'd like her to attend, but I'm going one way or another and that's that.
• I found a 10-year old dog I want to support at a shelter in a different state. If I was closer, I would have lobbied to adopt her myself. Dogs continue to touch my hear like no other thing has done in the last 5 years.

Other stuff:

• My step-daughter moved out of the house yesterday for the foreseeable future. I understand as a parent that my wife has mixed emotions (as do I), but when I woke up this morning, I already noted that a emotional burden seemed to be off my shoulders. This topic and event alone deserves it's very own post and I'll get to that soon in the coming days.
• I've been struggling a bit with a personal issue that weighs on my mind a lot as of late, and perhaps that's why I didn't go to church this past weekend. My walk with the Lord and my selfish thoughts are at war. Then enemy is trying to poke at a weakness of mine, and I'm stumbling a bit.
• My work has been very slow this whole week thus far and it's been a struggle for me to get super motivated. In other words, I'm bored beyond belief.
• I'm med-free right now. No anti-depressents, and I feel just fine. Perhaps going back to the gym and getting my adrenaline and endorphines up along with this 'Taking it Back' attitude may have really helped my mental outlook.
• A friend, 15+ years ifromthe past has located me and wrote me an email. I'm a little hesitant to acknowledge him and write back. It was a long time ago, and people grow up and change, but he hurt me and I'm not sure I want to re-experience the past. I don't know what to do just yet. I take my friendships (and loyalty) very seriously...and I want to forgive him, but it's hard right now.
• My wife's and mine sex-life runs hot/cold. One minute I so want to....the next it just seems like a hassle and chore. She only seems to get in the mood when drinking. This may change with the step-daughter now gone. Time will tell.
• I feel the need to purge crap from my garage this weekend.

Taking it Back - an update (part II)

Shortly after that party (see part I - yesterday's post) I really started to want to make some changes, and hopefully make them stick this time. I think we all say that from time to time, and eventually a brief hiccup or trip in a pattern eventually leads to two, then three, and before you know all progress is lost and we're all back to square one.



Pretty much like all New Years Resolutions. I think everyone can agree that they know someone, if not themselves, that make lofty proclomations on December 31st, and some two weeks later, 50% or more have already abandoned them.



I have a theory about all that. Aside from the obvious machismo bragging and alcohol induced blustering we all do on Dec. 31st regarding clean slates and starting over, I think the main problem is that most people, (and I've been guilty of this myself) make too lofty a set of goals. We are most likely doomed to fail because we shoot for the stars and believe we can give it the 'ole 150% effort to make these radical changes, but deep down inside, if we are honest with ourselves, we just don't have the willpower. We say, we'll start tomorrow, or the day after next, or even next week. When we approach those new lines in the sand, we tend to re-draw them yet again, extending them out even further. We say (and try to justify to ourselves), "Well, what's one more day?"



But we end up saying that more often than we would like to admit.



So this year, mentally armed with my new mantra of "Taking it all Back", I set some more realistic goals, smaller in scale. I wrote them down on a piece of paper somewhat like a bucket list. Now I may not accomplish 'all' of these things, but I'll be happy if I at least attempt some of them. 'Attempting' and not completing is much better that 'Never attempting' and then give up.



So, to share a bit of my bucket list with you may also help you get a better understanding of me and also helps myself take a personal account and sense of responsibility towards all this.

• Lose 21 lbs by mid March (2.5 months) and get down to my wedding weight of 215.


• Go camping with some friends sometime this year.


• Build a 4' x 8' wood framed layout for my model train hobby and begin to set up in the spare bedroom.


• Reduce our (both my wife's and mine) overall CC debt by 25%.


• Restart some of my lost hobbies like brewing beer and making homemade sausage and then throw a fun BBQ this summer and invite people I want to invite.


• Volunteer at an animal shelter and make a difference for abandoned pets.


• Pray to, and be more Thankful towards God more often.


• Try to let go of the past, relax, and spend more time doing things I want to do for myself and not worry if my wife or anyone else is involved or not.

This is just a taste, and some of these things may morph into other things not yet known, but it's a start. It's realistic. And I'll feel good if I attempted most of these.

More on these later and how I'm doing thus far.

(To be continued....)

Taking It Back - an update (part I)

Gosh, I just realized it been almost a month since my last post and I can't believe that time has flown already. I could have sworn I posted my thoughts regarding the changes I wanted to make for the New Year, but apparently I didn't.

The last few weeks of 2010, I was starting to get a bug up my butt about my life. As the days wore on I started to think back over various situations, personal events, emotional ups and downs, relationships, etc.

I kept circling back to a predominant thought: I was getting depressed and irritated over many things I couldn't control, and in some cases allowed them to get the better of me. I realized I wasn't in control, nor was I doing anything to gain that control back. Not that I need people to start answering to me per-se, but I was becoming more aware that I was becoming complacent, and that perhaps some of my 'issues', whether trivial or bigger in nature, were issues because I allowed them to be issues. I allowed them to dominate my mind instead of shrugging them off. I was, to a certain extent, choosing to be unhappy because I didn't pick myself up by the bootstraps.

Perhaps in some peoples mind, maybe even my wife's, I was becoming the weak man by essentially rolling over and taking it on the chin the majority of the time.

I'm not exactly sure what triggered me to start re-thinking things, but I became somewhat motivated to make some changes, and I knew that I had to do it, that I couldn't wait for anyone else (except God....but He's been a bit silent lately) to make those changes for me.

It started with a phrase that kind of morphed into a mantra for myself: "Taking it Back."

I'm not one for the Tony Robbin's school of positive thinking and I don't have wacky motivational posters or self help books lying about. There's no 'primal scream camp' or 'walking over coals' seminar I'm going to anytime soon. It was just the simple fact of questioning myself "Why can't I take my life back?" "Why can't I take my happiness back?" What is preventing me? The answer was staring me in the mirror....I was the one in the end of preventing myself from doing anything. I needed to both understand and take responsibility for that.

It actually started before Christmas. My wife and I got invited to a party from a friend of mine and I was excited to go because there were going to be some of my friends there that I hadn't seen in years. It was like a mini class reunion, and my wife and I discussed this and we both agreed to go weeks in advance.

With only a few days prior to the party, my wife's parents called up and said they too were 'attending' a party of a family friend of theirs (no relationship to me, blood or otherwise), and it just happened to fall on the same evening. Well, with only 3 days notice I explained to my wife I was not, in fact, going, I had made a commitment to my friends party, and her parents attend this same exact function every year. I can't help that they waited until the last minute to let us know, and I've been to their 'party' for the last 7 years. And I'm not exaggerating when I say if you've been to one, you've been to them all. They are always the same: Costco meat and cheese platter, pot of peas and mushrooms, soda in cans, grocery store bought cookies and 40 people standing around a house that only accommodates 20 and the same exact stories crop up every year.

My wife played it off because deep down I think she really though when it came to that day, I would end up go to her party. Well, that day came and when she asked me why I wasn't getting ready, I told her "I'm not going. I've already have had plans to attend the other one as you know for the last three weeks, not three days." She said her father (my father-in-law), would be upset. I replied, "I doubt it. Plue I already told him I was not going and he didn't say anything." (BTW: I had talked to him once before, and he secretely told me he could care less for this event as well. He just goes becasue he has nothing else to do.)

Needless to say she was surprised,....then pissed,.... and then gave me the silent treatment for the next 2 days. But you know what?...... for the first time in ages....I didn't care!

She was going to punish me by not talking to me? Okay. She was going to walk around the house, pouting? Okay. She's the one walking around in a cloud of self-anger...not me. I was totally fine with my decision and it didn't bother me and the guilt trip she was trying to apply wasn't taking hold. I think that's what made her even more mad...that I wasn't being affected...and once she figured out that the only person walking around with a dark cloud over her head was herself, she magically forgave me and pretended nothing happened by the 3rd day. See,....I didn't get sucked into trying to appease and apologize, or to 'smooth things over' with her. I wasn't wrong to begin with and hadn't done anything wrong, just asserted myself for the first time in years.

Now if her party was any other time, I would have gone, as it's not that big of a deal to me. I was just determined not to sweat it this time and show a weakness in my emotions.

And that's when the changes started.

(to be continued...)

"Why no presents this year?"

My step-daughter hit me with a loaded question yesterday and I had one of those moments where I was awkwardly silent at first, but my mind was racing at the speed of light for the 'diplomatic' reply.

"So Dad.....Why this year are we not really exchanging presents like in the past?", she asked, as it was only her and I standing in the kitchen as I was making spaghetti noodles for dinner after a long day and an hour commute home due to the torrential rain.

The easy answer would have been to blurt out in disgust "Ask your mother...the one who got us into this mess.", but I didn't. I needed to focus, collect my thoughts, and be Christian-like and fair.

I may have strong feelings on a subject, and my interpretation of events may be factual and true, but would they serve the collective or common good to be blunt and lay this all at the feet of one person.

The answer is "No."

The fact really is that it does take two to tango. As much as I may blame my wife for our financial issues (see my previous post on 'Forgive and Forget' btw) , I also allowed it to happen and turned a blind eye early on. And that's not to say every once in a while I wasn't exactly making the best and wisest of money related decisions.

But she's 19 now, and a part-time employee herself trying to learn (albeit late) about how the world turns. I decided she was old enough to know certain things...we can't shelter forever, and she is a part of this household....so I decided she had a right to know the truth. I didn't have to go into much detail, or take this as an opportunity to bash anyone (including myself mind you), just paint a clear enough picture that answers this upfront question, and may hopefully explain other things as well she may be privy to.

"Well....your mother and I are kinda in a financial bind. This year has been very hard for us both as you may have picked up from the banks calling weeks on end. Suffice to say, your mother and I are living paycheck to paycheck...hence...why we are eating more soup and spaghetti and staying home on the weekends. It hopefully won't be like this forever, but right now, and for the immediate time being, your mother and I are doing what we can to not fall down any further. Hopefully, with any luck, this is the indeed the worst of it and all we can do is go up from here. It may be a few months, maybe a year, but we're trying to correct certain issues that may have been neglected."

I think she took it fairly well and hopefully will respect me someday for telling it that way.

Humbling quote

I came across this quote the other day from Rick Warren, although I'm not exactly sure he is indeed the author. It seems I may have heard something similar once before, but since I saw this the other day, I CANNOT stop thinking about it:

If you have forgave, but not forgot....Did you really forgive to begin
with?

Whoa.

Heavy times 10. Man 'o man, I can think of countless things over the years that I haven't forgotten, and I wonder if I still hold even the minorest of grudges on any of them. I think I do and that puts a whole new perspective on how I have been dealing with things, both new and old.

Whoa.

What side of the fence am I even on anymore?

I've really been flip flopping emotionally this Christmas. Generally, I tend to look forward to the Christmas break, Christmas itself, and family. Still no lights on the house and we didn't send out one card this year. Not one.

There is so much to be thankful for, and yet.....I'm allowing myself to get mired in frustration and making excuses not to get into the spirit of the season. It's been raining very hard the last few days and is expected to up until Thursday of this week. Needless to say, we've all been cooped up inside the house, my dog included, and maybe getting a little stir crazy and depressed.

It's a clinical fact that people that don't get enough sunlight tend to get depressed more easily, and even though I know this, I can't seem to fend it off with my knowledge. It's amazing that we can all be in the same house together and barely have anything to say to one another for hours at a time. We are all at fault on this, yet I think I'm the only one that really notices.

I was watching Extreme Home Makeover as well, and let me tell you....that show is humbling. Just when I think our life is stagnant, I see these families that endure so much more....and yet, sometimes through their own pain they still seem to keep their head held up and face adversity, and find fun and meaning in just about everything. I feel so guilty and pathetic inside when I see the struggles of others.

I want that feeling of hopefullness and cheerfulness and love. Not just for me, but for my wife and daughter as well...yet it seems to elude us all.

I feel horrible about Christmas this year in the sense of giving. It's no secret (at least here) that we're scraping by. Paycheck to paycheck. It's one thing to agree with my own family that we won't be exchanging gifts this year, but I am so ashamed and embarrassed that we won't be able to get any gifts for wife's family either, including my nephews. Through my sister and brother in law, I have 4 nephews ranging from 6 to 17. We can't get them anything this year. We're even struggling to get anything for our daughter. I mentioned to her cautiously that this year would be low-key, to only expect stocking-stuffers. I think she understood and seems okay with it, but that still doesn't make me feel better and reinforces the feeling that somewhere along the lines we failed.

I'm kinda cringing inside to face everyone on Christmas Day at my inlaws empty handed. And there isn't any solace in the fact that I didn't cause our current status. I can't help it, but I feel as if my brother and sister in law will judge us and perhaps make up some story for the kids as to why their aunt and uncle didn't get them anything this year. I hope my wife has the discussion with her sister ahead of time. I loathe any type of confrontation even though this isn't of the agressive or negative type.

I have a longing to dig into the Word for comfort, but I find that feeling of relief is only temporary. I get words and thoughts of encouragement, but like a morning fog, they begin to fade as things heat up. I didn't go to church yesterday...I slept in. I'd like to say the pouring rain was my excuse, but how much of an excuse is it when my chruch is only a few blocks away?

It's lunch time. I'm having a can of soup. Skipped breakfast. I just want to go home, take a shower, and go to bed.

And 6.5 hours later....

....I'm not as mad as I was earlier.

It's really strange how emotions work. We've all heard the cliche, 'Time heals all wounds', and in some cases (not all) there is some semblence of truth to that. Where as this morning I was in a dire mood, grouchy, whatever....I just noticed that for the last few hours I've been pretty much ambivalent to everything. Did something change in our financial status the last 6-7 hours..?? No.

I admit though, I have checked our online statement 3 seperate times today. Why? I don't know. Was I expecting something to be added in there by a miracle? No. By staring at the same black and white figures, over and over did I think a light bulb would go on over my head? No. Well, I suppose the good news is nothing else cleared today. I can't imagine how I would feel right now if I logged in and we were down anotehr $100. Would that be an excuse for me to go all Richter? And if I did go Richter, would that really change anything? No.

I did get a text message from one of my wife's best friends. She knows that I've been on edge lately and I give her all the credit I can muster up by knowing she has never gone to my wife with our conversations. She really does know how to keep personal affairs and knowledge to herself. She doesn't kiss and tell, and she won't go running to my wife and gasp "You won't believe what your husband just said...."

She told me not to long ago that she sees her own therapist. At least once a week for almost a year. She suggested I go back, and it's not that I am against that notion. I need to vent. But as I explained to her, two things come up immediately for me: 1) Even if I wanted to go to a therapist right now....I have no money as a co-payment. 2) I'm not sure how talking to someone else right now solves the issue that my wife is financially irresponsible. I can talk to someone until I am blue in the face, but that doesn't stop my wife's behavior.

Anyway, she texted me mid morning to see how I was. I don't know what got into me, but I took it as an opportunity to vent. I wrote a spirited email to describe in fact exactly the way I had been feeling.

It felt so damn good to expunge and unload all this pent up negative energy I've been carrying around for a few days. But as I typed this last sentence, I can't help but wonder, why didn't I vent and unload to God? Why haven't I placed all this minutae at His feet to help carry me along? Oy, is this yet another failure to a test of being a Christian...putting my faith in man instead of with God?

So what's on the agenda tonight? Well, I see myself watching a movie on DVD or a show later. Tomorrow I plan on attending men's study at church (I need it), hitting the gym, working on my model, and spending no money.

Medication inconsistency & insomnia

Well, if it's not one thing, it's the other. Lately, I've been so tired I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open past 9:30pm. If given the chance, I could probably sleep in my car at lunch for the past few weeks. Now today, my eyes sprung open at around 2:11, again in the 3 o'clock hour, again at roughly 4:30, and finally wide awake at around 5:15am.

And I still managed to forget to take my happy pill yet again. I've been so inconsistent as of late, it's probably doing no good for me at all, and I'll have to start a new cycle tomorrow and wait the roughly 2 weeks to get back on track. Ugh.

I was mad yesterday. After writing my entry and sitting in my car driving home, I got mad. I could feel my jaw hinge getting sore from the unconscious clenching I had been doing previously up to that point. I don't know why, but something told me to look at the bank account.

I looked.

I was not happy at what I saw.

My wife, despite not having any more credit cards and no ATM/Debit card anylonger has been writing checks and not giving me a heads-up. Long story short....our mortgage is due the 16th without incurring a an additional $108 late fee, and she doesn't get paid until the 17th. If we spend no money and I mean NO MONEY the next 5 days (means no gas for our cars, no eating out, no nothing), we will still be short roughly $100. The last couple of checks: $40 'bowling' (hers), $89 'beauty supplies' (various shampoos and what not), $35 Ralph's (supplies for a party we got invited too that she volunteered to make tamales). Those were just some of them. And she gets on my case for not keeping a check register??? I check the online statements almost every other day so I know what's up. She actually does keep a check register and is still clueless.

No, I can't even fight with her now. It's just not worth it for me to get worked up, scream and yell for to someone that is in denial. In the end, I'll end up looking like an ass, and somehow it'll be my fault.

We've been doing this 'joint' account thing for almost two months now, and I'm starting to suspect it's not working. Well, it's not working for me, but apparantly working for her because she can keep writing checks counting on me. We spoke briefly about it this morning. She looked at me like "well, there's nothing we can do, so don't stress about it"...Really? There's nothing 'we' can do? Um...yes, 'you' can stop writing checks for $90 worth of shampoo and conditioner. Say maybe skip 'bowling' one week and have an extra $40. Why is up to me to figure everything out?

Dammit...this isn't how I wanted to start my day or weekend. I'm frustrated, a little ticked, forgot my meds, and now broke until next week where we'll be late paying the mortgage. Oh, I just can't wait to go to my inlaws this Thursday and pretent everything is hunky-dory.

Still no spirit

Well, another week has gone by and we still have zero Christams decoration up. That's both inside and out. No lights outside, no tree inside.

My aunt gave me a really strange call a few days ago. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, she's borderline agnostic/atheist. That's not to say she isn't 'spiritual', but she's was more or less a child of the 60's and was into the whole New Age movement a few decades back and even followed some teaching of some East Indian Guru for a while. The good news I guess is she grew out of that, but hasn't landed anywhere else. I suspect she does believe in a higher power, but I know she doesn't attend church and can't believe that an all loving God would allow such atrocities to take place today if 'He' cared about us. I won't go into much more than that, but suffice to say we don't talk about Christianity and she always has 'her answer' for everything.

I don't know why I just brought that up other than to give some background on the call I got the other night. It was about Christmas Eve and the dinner I offered to cook. Long story short she talked to me for just under 30 minutes.....and I mean that literally. I timed it on my cell phone, and she did 90% of the talking with me just saying "Okay" and "Uh-huh" sprinkled in at certain intervals just so I wouldn't seem rude. But I tuned out for the most part five minutes in when she start telling me about all her dietary requirements, and not just what she could and couldn't have (which most of it is B.S. to begin with), but then she started dictating the time I have dinner so that SHE could drive home afterwards without hitting traffic. That probably seems like an acceptable request by most standards, but here's the thing.....my aunt makes everything a drama and she's always at the center of it. Not just in her dealings with me, but I've seen her talk to her husband (my uncle), my grandfather, my mother (her sister) the same way. Everything revolves around her. It's not that she's intentionally being malicious, rude, spoiled, whatever...but I really and honestly believe in my heart of hearts that she doesn't realize that she puts her well being ahead of everyone else.

So in the interest of sacrifice and less drama, I am making a few concessions and modifications. I know, I should put my foot down and draw the line somewhere, but in the interest of trying to be humble and respecting my relatives I am bending a tad. In the long run, it's just easier for me and won't cause any awkward moments for the duration of the day. That and the fact that I have three strong willed women in my life: my aunt, my mother, and my wife. I'm just too tired anymore to try and argue with any of them.

~~~~~~~

A strange thing happened to me yesterday I thought I would share....as long as I'm being 100% open and honest here in my anonymous blog. My medicine (as I've been talking about adnaseum lately) makes me very tired and my muscles very achy (plus the gym), but I got in the shower last night as hot as I could stand it and sat down, indian style, and let the water rush over me in hopes of relieving my stress and relaxing me.

As I sat there in my silence, I couldn't help but think that I haven't had a massage in over 7 years. Not juts a full body professional massage, but my wife doesn't even rub my feet or shoulders anymore. Not that I demand that, or even ask....but she doesn't even offer. It wasn't that which got to me, it was the fact I realized just how darn tired I was. And not just physically like a good day or two at poolside would recharge me.....No, I really began to take stock in how tired I was and am in totality.

It my muscles, my eyes, my heart, my soul. I'm so tired of trying to hold everything together as far as finances go, my spirituality, my job, my health, prayers for my family. I harken back to an entry I made here close to two years back, and then suddenly the idea of running away seemed like a plausible fantasy again. For a few brief minutes I pretended I was married to someone else, living somewhere else, working somewhere else. I thought of vacations I never took in my life, but the ones I took in my alternate fantasy. I dreamed of my kids I would never have and an affectionate wife who placed "us" as a priority instead of a bowling league.

And for 30 seconds I imagined I was infact gone, home in heaven, never to look back at this crap. It seemed that the crap was in fact never ending, not measured in year to year, or crap measured by month to month, but the crap I sometimes feel I can measure day to day, and sometimes even hour to hour.

Then I realized I'd been in the shower a godo 20 minutes, so I better suck it up and get out it, once again pushing down those empty feelings into a ball I now try and hide deep down inside myself and pretend they aren't there.....until the next time I am alone and a failure message from the Enemy creeps in and trie sto remind me what a failure everything is and this whole God thing and pill thing and prayer thing just isn't doing anything. I know all this is baloney, but why does it garb me so hard and do such an excellent job of paralyzing me?

Bah Humbug

Well, here's to hoping everyone had a special and great Thanksgiving. Mine was pretty nice. It was kinda low-key and held at my sister-in-laws house. I did fairly well on the eating; although I had two complete dinner servings, I was a good boy and stayed away from having any dessert or yam's, and kept the adult drinking in check. My sister and brother-in-law were very good hosts and it was a little tamer this year as all my nephews and step-daughter were not in attendance.

I spent my 4 days off of work catching up on some TV, working on a train model I am building, going to the gym and working out hardcore at least twice. Maybe a little too hard as my body still feels a bit achy and sore 3 days after the fact.

Been taking my pills as I should be, although I still tend to forget my nightly supplements on occassion (Fish Oil tablets and Vitamin D), but overall have cut way back on my drinking. The Lipitor alternative continues to make me tired and on days like today I feel I could fall asleep at 2pm in the afternoon if I don't force myself to be active.

My wife had an emergency root canal yesterday: $259 was our portion of the bill that was of course unexpected. An additional $259 we don't have but had to pay. Looks like breakfasts will be skipped again this week and generic sandwiches for lunch and as much tuna, rice, and soup as we can eat this week. Oh well....what can you do?

Christmas is upon is in less than 4 weeks now and the feeling hasn't kicked in yet. Due to our finances, we have opted to not buy presents for our family this year. We recently had to explain to both sides why, and they were understanding. Instead, I'll be charged with making a Christmas Eve dinner in which I've been designing the menu the last few days. One thing I can do is cook. God gave me that skill and I always get rave reviews for my meals. This year will be Italian....it's a tad cheaper and easier to do as much of it can be preped the day before.

Usually, the day after Thanksgiving I traditionally put out the Christmas lights. Didn't happen...yet. I ended up helping my neighbors with theirs, and by the time we were all done, it was too late and cold to tackle my house. I was going to do it on Sunday, but then it rained in the morning, and the rest of the day was too cold yet again. We also battled an ant invasion due to the cold snap and rain....ugh. I work all week and this Saturday we have plans in which I won't be home. So by the time I get around to it, it'll be Dec. 5th, and if I feel anything then like how I feel now, I won't be doing it then either. At least my wife hasn't got on my case about it. As a matter of fact she hasn't even put away her Halloween decorations inside the house from last month, so she's letting me pass on this.

Other bad news is my work ended up terminating people again today. Practically the same day as a year ago. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so work has been tense with a black cloud of moral hanging over everyones heads. I'm thnakful everyday for my job even though at times I'm bored out of my skull and fantasize about diffrent careers.....but I got to get through the next 13 months unscathed before the pressure begins to lift off my shoulders and chest.

I have a blood test coming up in the next few weeks. Gonna re-check my cholesterol. Hopefully it's gone down this time. I've tried much harder to be good (although not every day is perfect). More fish. More turkey. More water. More fiber. More excercise. Less booze. Less dairy. So we'll see. If not, then I don't know what's next.

Anxiety attack

I can't pinpoit the exact reason, but last night at about 6pm, I felt the early signs of an anxiety/panic attack.

I hadn't had one for some time, but I probably worked myself up for various reasons yesterday. I'm sure most of it had to do with finances....We have property taxes, mortgage, home owners insurance, both vehicle registration all due within the coming weeks including Christmas. I have 13 more car payments to make on my car before I can breathe a little easier, but of course that's a year from now and doesn't do me any good today.

Couple that with the revelation of my step-daughters negative viewpoint on religion and her 'graduation' from independant study yesterday...of course with no plan moving forward at this point (no plans for college, no plans to get sa drivers license, no idea on what she wants to do, etc).

By the time I got home from work yesterday, I felt that tightening happening in my chest. The feel of adrenaline building up in a ball just behind my sternum with nowhere to go, no outlet. My body getting an occasional shiver of ice running through my veins and my jaw tense enough I realized my teeth were hurting from clenching down.

It's supposed to be the start of the Holidays....where I should be able to relax and let go and thinking about a turkey and mash potatoe induced coma, but instead I'm on edge.

I ended up taking a Clonzapen before our dinner last night in which we were to 'celebrate' my daughter's graduation. I took it at home and thank goodness it kicked in by the time we got to the restaraunt. I felt a little 'high', or as close to that feeling I can describe without being on illict substances, and proceded to make it through dinner much more relaxed and 'floaty'.

We got home at around 9pm and I took the hottest shower I could stand and was in bed reading by 9:30, lights out at 10.

I feel better for the most part this morning, although my wife and I had a discussion about money again this morning (my bad...I brought it up, but I had to before I went to work, as things in the 'joint' account seemed a tad off to me and I couldn't leave it be without knowing what this check was for).

All in all here's to hoping I (and you) have a decent and great Thanksgiving. I know I am going to try hard and relax....but is that really relaxing if I have to try so hard, or is that considered a job?

Step-daughter and spirituality

I've noticed a disturbing trend developing under my roof as of late, and I didn't realize how bad it is/was until just a few minutes ago.

I try not to pry or 'spy' on my step daughter's life; in actuality I look forward to the day she moves out of my house and I can reclaim a little piece of additional peace and quiet back in my home.

She'll be 19 in a few months, and fiercely independant and very opinionated, sometimes angry at the world. That's why I hope and pray this is just a stage or phase she is going through like many youth before her, but since I didn't go through this stage myself, I cannot relate.

I came across some of her recent Facebook postings, and while not yet proclaiming to be an atheist, much of her subject matter has an anti-religion slant in general. I can't help but notice either that many of her 'online' friends she surrounds herslef are infact very vocal about there being no God, that religion does more harm than good, that all Christians and all denominations are sheep, and we have no brains for ourselves.

I'm very bothered by this. It both saddens me very deeply and also angers me at the same time. I cannot force religion down her throat, and apparantly all the best Godly advice I've ever given her and examples fo myself going to church has had no affect.

This is the last thing I want to get into her with, or bring to her mothers attention (my wife is a believer, but doesn't go to church herself), but needless to say I'm very concerned this is happening and this attitude prevails under my roof. Granted, I'm not the ideal Christian myself, but I can't help but feel I have failed somwhere in here and she is exposed and reinforced by wordly and secular viewpoints that all just seem so bitter and angry.

If you're a believer will you pray for my step-daughter for a change (instead of me)...to soften her heart and let the Holy Spirit minsister to her when the time is right?

Short week

Not everything is always gloomy in my life.

I was thinking about the tone here the last couple of entries and it does seem to skew to the negative side of things. But I can't possibly have a bad day everyday can i? No, as a matter of fact there are bright moments as well.

I may not have all the money I'd like to have to alleviate some burdens, I may no longer have the very athletic body I once did, may not have the perfect marriage, or job, or temperment, or solid Christian faith I desire to have, but I do have good times.

This past Saturday as it poured rain outside, I was able to play my Xbox game and had a blast. I've been enjoying reading both a crime novel and a biography on model railroading (a passion I recently discovered the last 2 years). I enjoy good food, and I really do have some great friends. I don't say that often enough. I had a few hours with a few of this weekend. One took me to lunch on Sunday, another took me to lunch on Friday, and yet another invited me over Saturday night to hang out and it was good quality time.

Then there's my dog. I love him so much, and even after 5 years he still can play like a puppy and be as silly and entertaining as ever. I love when he snuggles up to me on a cold night, or sits on my lap in the morning as I have a cup of coffee. As I sit and type this entry I am looking at a picture of my little guy standing on his hind legs, staring out my bedroom window intently, watching the world go by in his eyes. He won't be here forever....his time with me is statistically 1/3rd over and I just wish I could spend even more time with him. He has taught me so much patience and love.

I enjoying discovering new eateries with good company, and I love me a good BBQ.

I enjoy that the Holiday's are here, even though this years Christmas won't be about presents. I'm actually looking forward to going to my sister-in-laws house for a meal I don't have to cook, and I enjoy both my parents and my in-laws....for real.

I look forward to when our company shuts down for 10 straight days and I'll be home enjoying building a model, playing a game, going to the gym, eating what I want, and reading my books.

Just wanted to share some positive stuff for once.

The Forgotten update (Part III)

Why am I so bad at this? I'm usually pretty darn good on follow through in other aspects in my life, but I have a convienent tendancy to update this blog when I really want to. I wonder if that is a subconscious defense mechanism on my behalf?

In a way, maybe it's a good thing to space these out the way they are...so much happens in such short time frames, I figure by the time I write something, it's already changed again.

So in no particular order....

Medication: I've been off my pills for about two weeks now. It always happens by forgetting that one in the morning, and before you know, I foget again by day to, and then day 3, and soon it's 2 weeks. I feel 'okay' for the most part, nothing super wild has happened to make my mood swing in eitehr direction. I've been fairly busy...at work and at home and a few social engagements that I suppose my mind has not had a chance to get trapped into thinking about the things I generally get mired too deep in. So why am I writing about this today? Because yesterday my wife called me to remind me to go to CVS and pick up my perscription refill last night. When I opened the door, she was there with my step-daughter and neighbor and made an innocent quip about "Got your 'happy' pills?"

I secretly hate when she mentions this, innocent or not. Especially in front of my step-daughter and neighbor. Great...let's hand out fliers to the cul-de-sac and let them know a potentially bi-polar enighbor whose been known to sob uncontrollably one minute and flash anger the next live on the corner. Thank goodness my wife has never heard me discuss the my thoughts when I was at my lowest a couple of years ago...I'd hate to let it slip that yours truly was praying for the ultimate God visit.

Step-daughter: Supposedly graduates with her GED equivelant in two weeks (a year late mind you). Any plans beyond that? Nope. No discussion of community college or trade school or moving out. No direction. No driver's license. No state ID for that matter. I secretly want her gone. I want my house back. I want the spare room back....and clean (it's so dirty now). I want the peace and quiet back from her 'know-it-all' attitude. I imagine in the next few months we'll have to sit down with her and get her to commit to some kind of plan on way or the other or move-out. It's getting the support from my wife that's going to be hard. That seems to flip flop one day to the next.

Finances: Well, I can honestly say the blood-letting has stopped as far as I can tell. We're far from being out of the woods, but at least we aren't sinking or burying ourselves any further. We signed up with a Christain debt counseling service and submitted all our stuff, but it seems to be taking much longer than I anticipated to get this thing off the ground. Right now we have cancelled all her credit cards and most of mine and are waiting for them to let us know the next step. I may have to ping them on this today.

We did combine our accounts, and I have a better idea on what we are spending, but I'm a tad disapointed my wife seems only semi-serious about this whole thing. I suspect she's counting on me to 'take-over' because she shows little effort and only partial restraint in keeping tabs on the combined account, but when I do question a few things she gets defensive all over again and has a convient answer for everything. So while the overall situation has improved, it's not where I'd like to see it, or where she originally agreed upon.

As far as our relationship together goes, it too has improved, but still has it's moments. My wife is fiercly independant and while I can admire some aspects of that, other times it's just spiteful stuborness. Still can't get her to go to church with me or cut back her smoking. I don't like some of her surprises as they are decisions that also impact me and I still feel I'm the last person to find out at times. On the flipside, she does tell me she loves me more than she used to, does things for me here and there, but still not outwardly affectionate.

Anyway, I think that about sums everything up for now, so hopefully next entry will see a new chapter or topic.