Today seems like an abberation of the past few weeks.
For the first time since the new year, I seem to be extremely emotional today, and not of the happy go-lucky sort.
I woke up cold (it was 62 in the house), and sore (took the last few days off from the gym) as I've been more achy than usual. The only good news is my wiegh in this morning has me at 224, and yesterday I was 223.8, so I breached the 225 barrier of the last two weeks. You'd think I'd be elated, but instead I just seemed....introspective and docile.
I didn't want to come to work again today and while I was a bit busier than I had been the last two weeks, it hasn't been enough to make this day go by any faster. Actually the last 2 hours seemed like 4.
Okay, back to my emotions. I've run the gamut of being disgusted, mad, sad, crying, lonely, angry, and judgemental to some degree. Not at anyone person or thing that I can pin it all on, but just in general.
I had fantasies of being alone again this morning, with the random thoughts of "Why did I get married again?" I know it's Valentines day next Monday, but I think we're both kinda ignoring it for some reason. She has bowlinng and I just don't want to spend the money. My wife did hurt my feelings the other day. Out of the blue she said I wasn't 'spontaneous' anymore. This really bothered me, and still does.
I don't know how many times I have attempted to be spontaneous, just to be shot down numerous times to the point I just kinda gave up and decided I gotta do more stuff to keep me busy. She wasn't trying to be mean or start an argument with me...it just sorta came out of her mouth....and it's been nagging me for days now. Of course, like an idiot, I countered "Ha...that's rich. When was the last time you were spontaneous? I could name 100 things where you'd be pressed to name 5." The rest of our drive back home was pretty quiet and neither one of us have brought it up since, but I haven't let it go yet.
I've been having dreams of old friends again....those that I've lost touch with....and don't know why. That is, I don't know why we drifted apart, but we did and it saddens me.
I read a passage in a book today about a man, very similar to myself, who lost his dog unexpectdely after 10 years. I cried. I cried very hard and I just pray to God that pets do have souls and go to heaven, or that I'll see my dog again some day in the afterlife. He's 5 years old and I love him more than you can imagine. He has been my saving grace, and even as I type this, my eyes are watering up again.
Remember when I said I need to stop reading the news? Yeah, I can't even follow my own advice. I read a story today about a teenage mom who gave birth to a baby and left it abandoned in a public portable outhouse outside a circus. A groundskeeper found the baby close to death and had it rushed to teh hospital suffering from hypothermia. Can you imagine being dumped off in a toilet at birth?
Then what about the whale that was hit by a boat and has a broken back in the bay area?
God, please hear my prayers today. This world is cruel, and sick, and we all suffer from loss.
I need to go now.
1 comment:
it was completely accidental that i happened across your blog, but strangely even after realizing this was not what i had been looking for, i continued to read your excerpts. i understand so much of what you are/were going through. it seems if we are similar that it may be in that we both take on an unusually amount of guilt for situations we alone are not completely responsible for. i dont believe this is a bad quality. i think it is my internal balancing mechanism - the one that insists i be fair and rational and put myself in someone else's shoes to better understand what they are feeling or how they arrived at where they are.
you have a very fluid style of writing and convey your thoughts with great clarity. it was more as if i were seeing what you said than reading it.
i know how lonely,negative and depressing it can feel to be in a relationship that has become strained and methodical after having left necessary issues addressed and resolved when they came up. i hope you have a close friend who can give you a hug and remind you of the comfort that comes from simple contact born from eyes full of warmth and understanding.
keep writing....it is the best form of release and personal therapy in any situation. i really need to take my own advice as i seemed to STOP blogging when things started making me feel unhappy.
enjoy your dog - they are amazing animals and loyal and loving.
take care. i will think of you and believe that your positive outlook and hopeful spirit will serve you by bringing the happiness you desperately would like to share with the world. :) you are very special - and have moved me more than any stranger has to date. you deserve to be appreciated.
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