An open letter to 'Anonymous'

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your comments from my previous entry, and I do take them to heart. You made some excellent points towards the end, and I really do indeed try to make an effort these days to think before I speak...I try to speak in a calm and rational manner hoping to get across a certain level of respect and love as you point out. Sometimes I do better than others.

To clarify the context of my birthday present: It wasn't wrapped. My wife actually said if I wanted my gift, it was in the 'trunk of the car' and that I could grab it anytime.

Yes, my wife did indeed get me something I desired, but I believe that my wife waited until that morning when I was away at church to make an 'obligatory' purchase at the last minute, as if it were almost an afterthought. The fact that it was in the trunk, unwrapped, and I was told if I wanted it to go get it just before the phone incident leads me to believe it was last minute purchase.

I could be wrong, but we've been married for almost 5 years now, and I've witnessed my wife do this before with others. Where I do fall short is that you are right,....I guess I did 'expect' a gift which may have been selfish on my behalf. But I guess I also expected it wrapped and presented to me as well, which tends to be the norm for most birthday presents.

Do I think my wife loves me? Yes I do.

Do I think she treats me as a loving husband, her best friend, her chosen mate, for better or for worse? Sometimes yes, more often not as of late. But it wasn't always like this.

Maybe I am a bit over-sensitive and I continue to pray about this quite often. And I pray for my own tolerance, my own heart softening, getting over my own selfishness, my own humility and humbleness, and the condition of my own heart.

I would gladly give up any 'expected' birthday present to have back the woman I married 5 years ago who openly shared with me and treated me as an equal.

Are we the same couple that began dating almost 7 years ago? No. We both believe in God and Christ, but I admit that there was a time in my life I was complacent with the Word and my beliefs. I was the 'band-wagon' Christian who thought if I just put in my hour once a week, tithed a bit here and there, and if I treated people good the majority of the time, I was in the 'club'.

It was only when depression took hold of my life like a cancer, when the Enemy clearly had a foothold in my mind and riddled me with self-doubt, when pills and thoughts of ending it all seemed feasible did I succumb to and 'rediscover' God and Christs love and forgiveness towards me.

I began to realize how prideful I was, how much venom and bitterness I was carrying around, what a scum I really was. I also believe that this period of my life helped push my wife away at times.

Today, while still far from perfect, I also know that the Lord is indeed with me. I want to share that with my wife. I want my wife to grow closer to me again, and vice-versa and I want her to share in Christ's love and word as well. However, (at this time) she does not share the same amount of zeal for God, Christ, or church that I do today. It's a struggle for her to attend church at all. We rarely pray together. Her 'secular' actions and attitudes at times can be heartbreaking and a cause for concern. But I also realize not to long ago, I was acting just like that as well. Drinks and social activities were always at the top of the list. Christ unfairly was always towards the bottom.

Now I slightly going off track here, so I'll try and bring it back about.

I totally I agree that I should be cleaved from my parents, especially from my mom. I am trying not to make excuses for either my mother or myself, but I am an only child and I do feel at times that my parents do indeed care about my welfare moreso than my spouse. That may sound harsh, but that is indeed how I feel at times.

My wife has made it very clear on certain occasions where her priorities lie in life, and sadly through her actions and comments I seem to have been demoted from my original ranking. Now, in defense of my wife, my mother does make it hard at times to lead a normal life. Even at my age, my mother is very over-protective, very stubborn, and does have a tendancy to either butt-in when not wanted, or to droll on and on about trivial matters. There are days when the phone rings, I don't even want to pick up the phone because I cringe at the thought of a 20 minute diatribe of matters than shouldn't be her concern to begin with. That I do understand where my wife's frustration stems from, but my wife is a little less tactful in her responses and respect to my parents.

You made a comment that my wife's anger was 'born out of love'. I hope I don't come across as a smart alleck, but my wife must love me more today than she has ever loved me before. My wife has a tendency to get much more angrier, sarcastic, and haughty than ever before....to the fact I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore other than breathing. This may sound like a cartoonish exageration, but there are days where a very simple question will set her off. I cannot imagine in 100 years that she would talk to her own mother or father this way, let alone how I, her husband, deserves this scorn.

It is very hard to ignore that anger as you suggest. Is it because we are both Italian? Is it because I still have my 'explosive' moments as well? While at times it may seem to the reader of this blog I am a cowering shell of a man, believe me, it is only through God's grace that I haven't gone postal. I'm a big dude, and prior to my surgeries was very muscular, I even have friends today that say they wouldn't ever think about messing with me. They've seen me mad...both emotionally and physically. Today, while many of my tears come from sadness and fear, I have also shed many a tear because I can't think of another outlet for my anger. Meaning....sometimes I cry because its better than hitting, lest I seriously hurt someone or myself. I channel that deep seated hostility and anger from my fists and my tongue into sobs. While I do understand your suggestion that I may earn more respect and love from her during those tense moments, that is a challenge for me....one I am willing to take, but a challenge none the less.

So Anonyomus (and friends), I know this entry went on and on today.....for that I'm sorry if I lost focus, but Anon....Thank you for your words (I really mean it). I will have to digest them for a bit. I hear what you are saying. I agree with your logic and points, but how to apply them to my situation is a challenge for me.

Botton line: My wife and I are not equally yoked right now. We do love each other...but that love is strained right now because we are unequally yoked. Our priorities today are individual priorities, not those of a married 'couple'. I was an ass and fell away from God and I'm trying to climb that hill again with His help, no longer by myself. I want to climb that hill with my wife, but she tells herself that she is happy where she is at with her priorities, and God is not one of them and I'm not convinced I am either.