She's out

It's a tacky title, I know.

I just can't think of what else to call it right now.

My wife just called my cell phone.

I did not pick up.

I let it go to voice mail.

I just listened to it.  She informed me that she has completed her 'process' and she is now out.  She said she misses me...and that she loves me.

I honestly don't know how I feel right now.  I'm kinda numb, various emotions swirling about.

The first question that comes to my mind is: I thought it was 10 days?  Today is day 8.  The last I spoke with her when she let me know she was leaving for it, she said she's call me on Sunday.  That's two days from now.  It's only 3pm and she has her cell phone back.  I imagine her mother (my MIL) went to pick her up.  WIll she make the long drive back today, or will they wait until tomorrow?

For sure I must go to the gym tonight.  I must exercise and exhaust myself so that I cannot think and pray that slumber takes me quickly this evening.

I'm still going to the campfire tomorrow, whether she calls again or not.  Whether she comes back tomorrow or not.

I'm sitting here....stealing long moments of looking out the window....taking deep breaths.....trying to clear my mind and day dream.  My eyes lose focus as they stare out into nothing, only to come back to reality inorder to type another sentence.

tick....tock...tick....tock

"Now what?" enters my mind.  We will have to talk eventually, but do I want to listen?  I cannot allow myself to fall back into old habits.  I cannot and will not be a doormat again.  My parents won't go for it.  Most of my friends won't either.  And lets not forget all those that wrote me off thinking it was my fault that she left.  I don't need those people in my life anymore, nor do I want them to be.

Is this why God has allowed the other women to disapear before anything even started?

I recall an earlier post, not too long ago, in which I named all the things I DO NOT miss.  In that regard, it's been nice. 

Thre's a reason there is a cliche that says "lepoards don't change their spots".  Is 8 days enough for a person to be broken, and realize that they caused damage?  Is it enough to recognize that they have their own faults?  To want to change?  To make a decision to turn their life around?

I just don't know.

Obstacles.

Maybe the Lord is really trying to tell me something.  If He is, I wish He would be more clear and concise, or perhaps open my ears, eyes, and mind to comprehend the things I seem to have little control over.

As you read yesterday, I met someone earlier in the week, and we seemed to have hit it off pretty well.  We were planning on meeting for a friendly lunch sometime this weekend.  Well, no sooner did I publish yesterday's post, I received a text message from her unexpectedly cancelling on me.  She said she was sorry, but something 'came up', and she didn't go into any further explanation, but a vague "maybe some other time?"

I texted her back asking if everything was okay, kinda prompting another chance to fill me in.  She said 'yes, everything was fine', and apologized again....nothing further.  Has me scratching my head and wondering what happened.

Then this morning I received a text message from my divorced friend in another state who planned on moving here by the end of the year.  She's the one I also mentioned before that she would like to explore a relationship with me, once she moves.  Well, she informed me today that she is resigning from her job at the end of the day today because the work schedule is too hectic and they will not bend, leaving her unable to schedule meaningful daycare for her daughter.  Long story short, her move is now placed on hold as after today she will have no job again.

I know you guys reading this are probably thinking "Hey buddy.....You're not even legally divorced yet.  It's only been 4 months.  You need time to heal, time to yourself, and be final in your divorce before you even consider moving on."

You're all probably right.

And that's what I'm wondering...if God is sending me a message to slow down...cool my jets....don't do anything rash.  Just continue to surround yourself with friends for the right now.  He has someone planned for me...the right someone, sometime in my future.

Yeah, I know this.  I just have never been good with patience.  And I hate being alone.  I joke, but can we say "co-dependant much"? 

Did I mention yesterday I looked at my most recent paycheck and noted that I have 90+ hours of vacation tiem saved up?  Yeah....with nowhere to go.  At least I don't want to go by myself.  I've asked a few friends, and only one of them kinda responded with half-hearted interest.

I came in early today, so I'll early as well...go to the gym.  Need to work off this pent up energy I'm storing and just focus on the campfire tomorrow.

Bored

It's Thursday here at work, and it is incredibly slow.....and warm.  Should hit about 90 degrees today.  I went to my car at lunch, and took a brief cat nap while listening to another audio book, and now I'm watching the minutes click by for what seems to be hours.

I'd rather be home today.  Doing what?  Anything but being here.  Going to the gym, walking mydog, watching a movie...anything.  I really almost played hooky today.  Actually yesterday, I had full intent of calling in today and staying home, but once I got up I decided to come in afterall.  Not sure why...guilt I think.

The good news is that after 11 days, my uticaria finally cleared up by late Monday evening.  So I've more or less been medication free the last 40 hours and I'm starting to feel like myself again.

I'm making a pork tenderloin with carrots, onions, potatoes and garlic in a crockpot for dinner tonight.  I got up at 5:30am with my dog and started prepping my dinner.  I invited my best friend over tonight and he agreed, so we'll have dinner at 6:30.  I think I may go to Trader Joes after work and get us both a really nice craft beer.

I also splurged and treated myself to a new Google Nexus 7 tablet.  Got it yesterday and spent the evening last night configuring it, but didn't really have a chance to play with it yet.  Looking forward to reading some books, watching some Netflix, and studying the constelations in my backyard with it.  Also installed the bible on it.  It's pretty awesome.  It was $199 and I saved up quite a while to buy one for myself.

I sometimes wonder about my wife's treatment this week.  She is just past 1/2 way through it by now.  I wonder if she is able to identify or has come to terms with herself with how much pain she has caused me and so many others.  I wonder if she's crying at all?  Even 1/10th the tears I have shed the last 4 months?  I hope that doesn't make me a bad person in hoping that she is crying.   It's weird.  One minute I "kinda" care, the next...not so much.  Is this what healing feels like?  Did I finally turn a corner in my own head?  If so, I can't tell you when or where it happened.  I just became aware of it the last few days or so...I haven't really missed her.  Oh, I miss the company of another person...I miss the idea of being married....of being in love....and I look forward to the day when it happens again.....but just not with her.  I'm actually now dreading her call next week when she tells me she's back and wants to see if we can go to therapy together.  Right now...I have no interest in it.

Like I said....I don't miss the arguing, the laziness, the smoking, the drinking, the attitude, the under the breath comments, the cold shoulder.  No....I don't miss it at all.

My inlaws and SIL/BIL have been very quiet this past week.  Not a peep from them.  Still talk with my step-daugther.  She seems strong.  We don't talk about her mother though.  Everything but it seems like.

I did meet someone last week.  Not even sure if I should mention it here, but I guess I just did.  She's 39, divorced and has an 11 year old son who lives nearby.  We haven't gone out yet.  Not even sure if it is appropriate, although we are supposed to meet up for lunch in public...driving ourselves seperately.  Maybe I'm trying to justify it in my head....two 'new friends' meeting for lunch.  That's all.  I'm wrestling with it big time.  First time in over ten years I don't know how to act around the opposite sex.  I haven't told any of my friends....or my parents....yet.  Is 4 months too soon?

Probably....but I'm so bored at home, especially on the weekends, and I'm so sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself or at the very least pretending that I have control over my thoughts.  And most of my neighbors are tyring my nerves anyway...I need to get away from them as well.  Who knows....we may have lunch and either one of us will realize something not right and it won't work.  Heh...I'm probably thinking way too much about it right now.

Saturday evening, I have a bonfire to attend.  I'm looking forward to that at least.  A few hours eating hamburgers and smores and telling stories and jokes around a campfire.  That's my big plans for Saturday.

3.5 hours left before I go home.

Rinse and repeat.

Weekend Adventure

Looking back, I actually did quiet a bit this weekend.

Friday night I went to Celebrate after work.  Not much to report there.  Just came home and watched Netflix before I went to bed.

Saturday morning saw me at another long men's support group that lasted just over 2 hours.  I start get drained at about the 1.5 hour mark, so anything after that, I start to fade.

Went to teh gym, rode the bike for a bit and then did some chores in town.  Thankfully it was starting to cool down just a bit.  It was no longer 90+ and humid, but somewhere in the high 80's.  I'm starting to feel a bit funny with all the drugs in my body.  For my Uticaria I have a regime of the following: Prilosec OTC in the morning, followed by 10mg of Prednisone (steroids) throughout the day, 5mg of Clarinex (an anti-histamine) and lastly, Ratadine 5mg...an acid reducer.  These are supposed to turn 'off' the receptors that produce my hives.

On top of that, through in my cholesterol medicine and my new amped 40mg dosage of Citropram, and you might begin to understand why I'm a little bloated and foggy.  Unfortunately, my Prednisone isn't kicking in like it used to, as my Uticaria has been 9 days now.  I thought I was gonna be clear today as it was almost completely gone yesterday, but this morning I awoke to a whole new batch on the top of my hands, my shoulders, and neck.  So frustrating.

Anyway, Saturday night we went to the cajun restaraunt.  It was a fun and nice drive up, the 4 of us talking and catching up about everything.  Dinner was 'good', but nothing that would knock my socks off.  I had fried oysters and ctafish, some dirty beans and rice, side salad, sweet tea, french bread, and some jumbalya.  Like I said, it was good, but not excellent.

Finishing much sooner than we though we would, we opted to walk around the city a bit.  Strange neighboorhood with a lot of "freaks" and curio shops.  It's a popular area, although run-down.  They had a makeshift carnival going on, so we walked about with our phone cameras and took plenty of cool pictures with Instagram.  Finally drove home and back in bed by 10:45.



Yours truly

Sunday, I worked on my train model early on, church, then me and my pup when on a road trip to see my college friend afterall.  It was a really nice drive and I think my pup was excited!.  About 2/3 of the way there, we made a pit stop so he could go potty and stretch at an outdoor picnic stand under the trees.  We sat in the shade for a good 30 minues or so watching motorcyle after motorcylce drive by before we headed back out.

Seeing my freind was nice.  I met his wife and 3 children for teh first time in person.  He served a nice lunch of steak and salad as we sat poolside and caught up and just talked about things.  It was a nice 4 hour visit, finished off with the obligatory pictures before our drive back.

Once again, my pup and I made two pitstops again so he could stretch and I could take pictures.  By the time we got home both of us were exhausted.  Dinner was a salad for me, and my dog was snoring by 7:30.  I didn't last too much longer with me in bed at 9:20.

The last 3 days I finally had some sort of peace.  I had good times with good friends who help remind me of who I was and who I still am.  Such a blessing.

Although this morning my Uticaria flared back up, and the meds are taking a toll on me.  All I can think about right now is going home, relaxing and going to bed praying that these hives will dissapear by tomorrow.

Strange weather

Well we had a freakish weather front move in out of nowhere last night.  I don't recall any of the weathermen predicting we were gonna rain, but with the heat we've been experiencing the last few days, it got cloudy yesterday afternoon, and started to rain after 5pm.

With temperatures hovering around the low 90's, mixed with sudden rain, you can imagine how humid it was...something my area is not known for.  I almost turned on the AC just to combat that sticky feeling, but didn't have to after all.

Made myself a dinner of gnocchi and marinara sauce, got a new steam mop and mopped my kitchen and bathroom, and me and the pup watched TV.

My uticaria was about 95% gone, but that heat and humidity brought a little  of it back last night, so one Prednisone later and I awoke looking and feeling all clear.  Should not have to take anymore hopefully after today. 

Finishing off my 20mg of Citropram, and will bump up to 40mg here in the next day or two and see how that goes.

So far it's quiet at work.  Not sure why, but the phone has barely rang and it seems like many of our employees are out.  Did I miss a memo?

Tonight will be Celebrate (kinda bummed that the mega-church still has not answered my email from a few days ago).  Not sure if that means they are super busy and swamped, or just don't pay attention to their email.  Anyway, if the weather keeps up, I'll be home again tonight eating leftover meatloaf I made earlier in the week and watch Netflix (probably Mad Men).

Tomorrow I am supposed to go with my friend to a Cajun restaurant for dinner about an hour away.  I'm pretty excited about that, so I'm not bummed I'm staying in tonight.  And Sunday another college friend invited me out to his house about 1hr 15min away...but it may be HOT.  He wants me to meet his family, and I'm looking forward to it, but it's supposed to be in the upper 90's at his house with humidity and asked me to take my dog as well.  That one is up in the air right now.  At least gas prices are coming down a bit.  Filled up at $3.49 a gallon this morning, so the only cost of going out to my buddies house is gas...he's gonna feed me BBQ, so I'm chill.

My daughter let me know yesterday that her mother (aka my wife) made the drive up to her treatment center yesterday and her first day I believe is today.  Friday the 13th...hope that doesn't mean anything. LOL...of course it doesn't...I don't believe in that stuff anyway.  She supposedly comes back on the 22nd and said she would call me that evening, or possibly the next day.

From the bottom of my heart, I really do hope that it does her some good.  While it may not be for alcohol, maybe she will discover some painful truths about herself and her behaviors that will help teach her about future decisions and directions in her life.  Her last text to me was yesterday saying she was leaving to go and that she loved me.

That is the first time she said 'love' in I don't know how long.  Seriously, I can't remember.  But as I had dinner with my mom and her friend the other night, it was once again brought to my attention how many years my wife has always put herself first, fun first, marriage and me a distant second.  This treatment is for her personal demons, not to solve her financial problems, spiritual matters, alcohol, and other things.  I can forgive in time, but I can't forget. 

I assume that she may want to try to work things me...not right away...we're not talking next week when she gets back, but I have a feeling she'll want to see if we can repair things.  I'm just not sure I want to anymore.  Yes, I'm jaded, but I am very skeptical about long lasting changes and behaviors.  There has been so much damage to me, my family, the way certain people act towards me, etc....I just don't really want to try.  At least not now.  No one can say I didn't try 100x before it all came to a head.

I have to remind myself I am working on being in a better place, especially mentally, given my track record for depression and anxiety.  I don't ever want to be put through this ever again.  I don't even want to set myself up for the 'possibility' of getting hurt again.

Yeah, it suck being solo.  These last 4 months have been extremely lonely, but I'd rather be lonely that to walk back through my door on eggshells like I did in the past.  I'd rather be alone than to wonder if my wife was smashed and wondering if and when she may be coming home.  I may miss her, or the person she 'used' to be, but I DO NOT MISS THE STUPID TRIVIAL ARGUMENTS OVER NOTHING.

And I didn't even get a sucker

Saw my Dr. yesterday and he finally gave me a new perscription for my Predisone after look at my condition, but did warn me that it may have an adverse affect with my Citropram.  Said there have been reports that it can actually deepen certain feelings and moods like depression.

And we also did talk about my Citropram.  I told him that the 20mg didn't feel like it was having much of an effect on me, so he bumped it up from 20mg to 40mg.  So, in taking what he said about the combination of the two, I will wait until I am off the steroids before I increase my dosage on the depression meds.

I likemy doctor, he does atcually seem to be someone concerened about me and did say he'd like to follow up in a few weeks, and if the 40mg doesn't do the trick...he wants to refer me to a pychologist (the ones that can adminsiter drugs).

And despite my cholesterol medication, good eating habits, and regular exercise he is still a little concerned about by ldl's (the bad choelsterol).  He said despite my build, and weight,...he is concerned about my stress levels and hw this could lead to heart disease.  To be honest....I know I've mentioned this before...unless I can learn to relax, breath, calm down, etc....I will indeed have a heart attack someday, and not because of being overweight (I'm not), or smoking (I don't), or lack of exercise (I do)...it will be the stress that kills me.

Speaking of stress, it didn't help that a coworker has it on pretty good authority that my company will be downsizing next month.  Unsure which departments, or how many people, but it still makes me nervous.  That's all I need, to lose my job after 5 years next month while going through a divorce.  But best not worry about that now.  As Joel Osteen says, God gives you the strength for today, and tomorrow He will give you the strength for that day.  We are to live in the present and be thankful for our place today....not to worry about what may or may not happen in a month from now.

After I left the Dr's office, I came home and played with my dog for a bit, but it was hot.  91 degrees.  I made my self a little snack and decided to treat myself to a movie.  Yup, I went to see The Amazing Spiderman at 3:30.  Pretty good, 4/5..a bit anti-climatic, but a nice reboot.  By the time I got home it was 6:30.  Decided not to go to the seperated men's group on account I never got a call back from the message I left to the church, plus it was hot, plus I was hungry.

I just decided to walk my dog instead and once I got back home made myself a nice cool salad for dinner and stared my steroids.  At 9:00pm I checked the thermostate upstairs.  87!!!!  Yeah, decided to sleep on the couch instead. Took two pillows and me and my dog slept downstairs.  The only bad news with Prednisone it makes you go potty a lot.  So I had to get up at least three times throughout the night to relieve myself.  Dog got me up at 5:30 for his feeding, then I went back and cat-napped until 7.

I was feeling a bit refreshed this morning, but it's getting warm again and the heat is sapping my energy.  If they turned off the lights in my office today, I'm sure I could sleep some moe.

Just needed to post this

Saw this earlier today, and took it as my own.  Words I should probably memorize and make this my own.

Dr. visit today

I was so tired yesterday that I couldn't make it much past 9pm.  I tried watching MaterChef and caught myself dozing at around 920, so I put myself to bed.  But it was warm.  Even with ceiling fans and open windows, my thermostat upstairs was reading 87 degrees.

So I slept on top of the bed, only to be aoken once again by my dog at 4:45am.

I also notcied that my hands were a bit swollen and I had some more welts on my left arm in addition to my palms itching and irritated.  Looks like the fatigue, heat, and stress are causing my Uticaria to flare up again so I made an appointment with the Dr. today.

The good news is that I get to leave work at 1pm today for a 1:30 appointment.  And since it is only 2 blocks from my house, I dhould be home by 2pm today.  Yay!!

I'll open up the house, get some air going through there and spend some time with my dog and working on a model of mine.

I needed a good arse kicking yesterday, and thanks to 'Anon' for pointing somethings out to me I needed to hear again.  Yup, I started grwoing my cajones...then misplaced them for a few days...Need to dust them back off and re-attach.

I'm thinking of taking myself to see SpiderMan then this afternoon.  There's a showing at both 3:30 & 4:30.  May keep me out of the heat and give me time to pick up my steroids later at teh local CVS.

Also debating on going to another group tonight at the nearby mega-church.  They have a men's meeting for 'seperated' men that starts at 7pm (until 9).  They also have a 13 week workshop for those wanting to work through their divorces.  Boy....I never heard of these things before, and now it's as if I have too many choices.  I'll probably call first to get info, 'cause I'm not sure which one may fit me better.  I can't imagine the one that meets tonight all that different from my co-dependancy meetings....in other words...if it's just another open share group, I think I'll pass.  Not to sound uncaring, but I already know where my pain and hurt is, not sure I want to hear about others that I already hear on Friday nights as well.  Could just be doubling up on the same mounatin of pain, and that is not healthy for me. 

Tomorrow evening I meet my mom and her friend for dinner, so it seems as if I have the next two days planned out for me.

Saturday my friend want me to go to dinner with him at this world famous cajun restaraunt about an hour away.  I think I may do that as well.

Today is my SIL's b-day.  She turns 45.  I did wish her a happy birthday and she thanked me, bit other than that, no other discussions took place.

While I was walking my dog yesterday, one of the 2 female nighbors actually waved at me.  That's a first in a long time.  Then literally 20 seconds later the second one drove by (no joke)...this time I tried to wave first....she saw me...and just blew by as if I was invisble.  I had mixed feelings:  Part of me chuckled on how stupid and immature she is acting, then part of me just looked back down to the ground in disgust and apathy.

Oh well, 2.5 hours left before I leave.

I wish I were Vulcan

Spock explaining Pon Farr

If anyone has ever watched the Star Trek: The Original Series (ST:TOS as its known by most geeks like me), you'll know that scinece officer Spock is Vulcan.  One of the traits of being Vulcan as opposed to their genetic bretheren, the Romulans, is that they work very hard to repress their emotions.

Only once every 7 years, known as Pon Farr, do they allow their emotions to run wild...usually in an over the top agressive fashion including overt sexuality and violence.

I'll also let you know I've been off my medication, Citropram (generic Lexapro), for almost two months now.  To be honest, I'm not sure the dosage was working for me anyway.  I was taking it every day for almost three months, and I didn't feel any different.  Granted, it's one of the most tumultous peridos of my life, but other drugs I have felt the effects, not so much on this one.

Anyway, my emotions were all over the place again this weekend.  The two main emotions felt: sadness (and it's step cousins - anxiety, loniliness, doubt) and some anger (guest starring rage & bitterness).

I didn't go to Celebrate on Friday night, which was probably a HUGE mistake.  Instead, I went to a bar and a few beers.  Not a great combination - beer & feelings of failure.  Not even sure why I went.  I suppose a part of me just didn't want to hang out with other hard luck cases again on a Friday night, thinking somehow I may have overcome things or I deserved a break from this weekly ritual.  Oh, and in case you're wondering...no, I didn't get loaded or drunk.  I actually had 2 fish taco's and met a friend there, but was home no later than 8pm.

Saturday I went to my men's group in the morning.  It was long.  2 hours long to be exact, about 30 minutes over our normal time.  I'm not sure what got accomplished there either.  I didn't feel that much different once I left.  Actually worse now that I think about it.  I started really feeling sorry for myself....Down right feelings of being pathetic.  I tried to get out...I did walk my dog, did go to the gym...but those two things only took up less than 2 hours of the whole day.  The rest of the day was me alone with my mind.

Yesterday was even worse.  I stared the morning by watching Joel Osteen then going to my own church...where I sat in the back row...and cried.  One of the guys from my men's group saw me and tried to comfort me, but he knew I was a lost cause.  I sucked it up, and finished the service, then went grocery shopping.

I did have a reprieve in the afternoon when some friends asked me to go to an outdoor concert with them.  I did and had a great time, until one of them let it slip that my wife and her parents hosted a BBQ last night (Saturday) and many of our mutual friends went.  The reason for the BBQ? A "thank you" dinner for those that "supported" her and a "goodbye" before she goes to treatment.

Really?

A "Thank You for your support" BBQ.  What are they supporting?  The fact she left?  The fact they enable her?  The fact she been unemployed for 15 months and has done nothing about it?  The fact she stuck me with the bills?  That she walked away?  Are you F'n kidding me? Wow...looks like my inlaws did a 180.

I don't think I was supposed to know about this.

My wife then texted me yesterday...not mentioning the BBQ...but hoping that we can work things out after she returns in a couple of weeks.  So, when I got home yesterday afternoon....I just sat with my dog and began thinking.  All I could think about was a BBQ with all these enablers about hugging her, giving her kinds words, congratulating her...blah, blah, blah.  And I'm home alone.

Yeah, I know as I write this, it makes me look small and petty and whiny.  Hell, I agree with that and much more.  It made me angry.  Sorry, but this makes me want to dig in further and I'm glad I wrote a few of these people out of my life.  Even if my wife and I were to get back together....I said 'if'...I'll be darned sure that there is a few certain people that will never set foot in my house again.  Not that I am angry, violent, or wish them any ill will.  I just don't need them in my life and I feel like a schmuck, but they allowed me to draw that line in the sand and made me decide who I will accept and who I won't accept in my life anymore.  For lack of a better term...they are dead to me (at least for now until I the pain is over...and I can willingly forgive).

Then my mom called me....and I lost it.

Yup...my mom's only son was alone in an unlit house crying that I am hurt, I am lonely, and I want the pain to go away.  She offered to drive over to my house and keep me company.  I thanked her, but said "No.", I didn't feel like company...just wanted to go to bed...and that's what I did at 8:30 last night.

No wonder I got up at 4:30am this morning.

Afternoon meditation

David Byrne of Talking Heads fame

This afternoon continues to be quiet, both in my work, and in my spirit.

I am consciously trying to slow my thinking down, clear my mind, toss away the garbage.

I'm also listening to the Talking Heads on Pandora.  David Byrne's voice and lyrics can be both hypnotic and mesmerizing depending on the song.  If you get a chance, just give "The Lady Don't Mind" a chance.  It's a strange little ditty.

I remember seeing a concert of their's back around 1989 or 1990.  What a trip that was.  And how could anyone forget the video and song "Burning Down the House"?

Some lines I came across in my devotionals today:

• Many voices clamor for your attention, trying to divert you to another path.  But I have called you to walk ever so closely with Me.
• I have called each of My children to a different path, distinctly designed for that one.  Do not let anyone convince you that his path is the only right way.
• Since I am invisible, you must not let your senses dominate your thinking.
• The curse of this age is overstimulation of the senses, which blocks out awareness of the unseen world.
• The goal is to be aware of unseen things even as you live out your life in the visible world.

Take any one of these statements for a spin in your head for a minute or so.  Sometimes many of these apply tome (perhaps you) all at once.  Myself, I am really trying to tune into those things unseen...the ebbs and flows, the way situations swing, and not directly or indirectly fight them, but to be aware and make my decsions based upon them.  Not sure if that makes sense or not, but it's like taking a deep breath in and slowly breathing back out, eyes closed and try to become centered to my surroundings.

So enevitably, the weekend is upon me again and I have no idea what I want to do.  It's funny, because this week was so slow at work that I couldn't wait for it to be over but now that Friday afternoon is here, I'm at a standstill on what I want to do this weekend.  Yea, there's the boring chores I always seem to talk about, but I feel like I want to do to something memorable, but what, I do not know.  Take a drive to a new town with my dog?  Try a new dive bbq joint I've never been to?  Pack more stuff at the house?  I dunno.

I feel like I need to organize something to.  But what?  And for whom?  For me?

I think my wife drives to her facility tomorrow. Or maybe it's next week, the 13th.  I dunno anymore.

I have an option to drive out of town in two weeks for a few days off...though unsure if I am going to follow through with that or not.  6 hour drive to hang out with a friend for 1.5 days, just to drive back?  I really need it, but I just dunno.

Post 4th

You know...Christians do in fact swear.  As a matter of fact, I've let a few words rip from my mouth on occassion even though I know better.  And even though I may not say them, I sure am thinking them.

So it was yesterday, when my wife decided to park her car in my driveway while she wanted to hang out with the neighborhood.  Enter curse word here.  Really?  Two of the female neighbors, of course the two I suspected, greeted her with open arms. 

Gag me.

My wife was actually pleasant towards me.  I gave her more of her mail I had been collecting, and we chatted a few minutes.  It was tough for both of us, more so for me though.  Anger and Sadness were at war with each other inside of me. 

I even allowed her to see my dog.  A few of the neighbors saw me and invited me over, but of course the 'enter curse word here' females just looked at me.  No "Hi", No waves, No "Happy 4th"..not that I expected any.  Explative them! 

I hung outside for a bit, but one I realized that there was some actual planning behind all this now, and it was no fluke my wife just showed up, I decided to leave.  Explative this!

Went to my other friends house and hung out for a BBQ and firework show.  Came home by 10pm to see that my wife's car was still in my driveway.  Oh...yay....probably too hammered to drive home so she spent the night at the neighbors house.  Good.  She texted me, wondering if I was home yet.  Yes, I am home, but it's after 10pm, and I have to work tomorrow.  Not going to deal with you at 10:30pm on a Wed night with the nosey neighbors about.  Nope, not putting on a show for them.

Not sure why, but the whole thing has me riled up.  Explative all of them.

Uptight

My Uticaria is almost gone.  Just a few small welts left on the back of my neck that are putting off some heat, but slept pretty well last night.

Work is still slow, been here almost two hours this morning and it has afforded me the dreaded luxury of getting as much of my legal documents together this morning (making last minute copies of stuff, highlighting things, signing on the 'X', blah...blah...blah).  I know this will not be an easy process for my wife, unless her mom helps her do it, because as organized and as anal as I can be, collecting all this papers and putting them in some sort of order that makes sense still feels very chaotic.  And I also have the luxury of all these items coming to my house, a photocopier, scanner, and an analytical mind.  My wife will have to fill in the blanks where she can, and have to do a lot of leg work to catch up to what I have already done.

So I will turn this pile of papers in at 11:15am, and wash my hands of everything for at least a month.  My attorney will be on vacation the second 1/2 of July, and I came to an agreement with my wife that I would hold back until August (I'm basically getting a reprieve for a month over any undue and outrageous attorny fees).

This whole thing makes me feel uptight though.  I've been slightly anxious all morning.  It doesn't help that my mom must have called me a half a dozen times yesterday for no real reason.  All trival stuff that could wait for any normal person, but she tends to get fixated when she beleives she needs an answer.  If you don't pick up the phone when she calls, she will continue to call every 15 minutes until you do, with increasingly longer messages.  It can be insane at times, but I don't feel the need to talk everytime she wants to.

My plans for the 4th are still up in the air.  I got invited to 4 different gigs....but none of them are all that appealing to me.  I have no real desire to travel anywhere, spend money, get stuck in traffic, explain things to people.....Speaking of which, one of the neighbors ran into me last night and of course the first thing out of her mouth was asking me what's up with my marriage.  Ugh...I was polite at first, and answered her question as vaguley as I could...HINTING very heavily that I didn't want to talk about it.  But she didn't get the hint.  By the 4th time she was 'prying' and starting to put words in my mouth for me, I was starting to get irritated and finally said "Sorry, I just can't talk about this anymore, nor do I want to." and cut her off.  I hate doing that to people, but she just wasn't getting it.

I also think I feel a bit anxious because I have a few friends who haven't returned my calls in the last two days.  Not sure if that is my co-dependence sneaking out or not, but I can't stand when someone says they are going to call you, and then don't, and then don't return any text messages for two days on end.  I'm sure I'll get contacted eventually, but the attitude will be like "no big deal" to them.  Well, good for them, but I don't like it myself.  I like to treat people as I would like to be treated...and I often show people my courtesy when it comes to following through on communication.

I think tonight after work will be the gym, followed by chilling at home solo tomorrow.

UPDATE: Oh how the hours can change things.

I dropped off my sizeable packet to the lawyers today, although he wasn't in the office.  Just went over a few quick notes with the office manager, asked for my packet to be worked on, otherwise thinsg will be put on hold until August.

When I returned to work I noted that I received an email from a 'Christian' friend of mind which was both cryptic and vague.  In about two sentences that didn't explain much of anything, my friend has decided to sever their relationship with me based on this line: "I don't think we share the same values.  Take care."  I don't even know what my friend is referring to, and of course although it's only been about 4 hours, I haev received no repsonse to my inquiry as to why or what happened?  Did I say or do something recently in my frustrations?  Did I project something?  We had spoken by phone just this past Sunday and all seemed okay.  Our conversation was 20 minutes long and I thought we hung up on a good note.  Apparently I may have reacted or didn't react, said something, alluded to something else that may have been offensive, but for the life of me I can't think what.  Needless to say the message was troubling and is very disheartening to me.  Not sure why, but it made me cry a bit and has me once again pondering how co-dependant I really am.

And finally, my wife called me an hour ago.  It appears my step-daughter just got a car today... a used Toyota Camary.  She also informed me that she will be coming to the street tomorrow and wanted to see me.  Why is it my 'so called neighbors' can't give me a heads up?  Apparently a few of them knew this and didn't want to tell me.  Anyway, she wants to see MY dog and wants to hang out with the neighbors tomorrow and hopes I can come out and be socialable as well.  Well, I am not going to run and hide from my own street anymore, but I will be avoiding certain neighbors, and I will be leaving my street later in the afternoon to get out of there.

I want to avoid any drama, any ill words I may say or be said against me, don't want to deal with the looks or conversations from nosey neighbors, or give my wife any fodder for her to use against me at some future date.  Meaning, I cannot have a drink in front of anyone tomorrow.

Dangit, this day just turned upside down.

Year is half over.

Today is July 2nd, and I came to the realization that this year is half over.

It's 1/2 over and I did not expect this year to go the way that it did. 

I had wrote sorta a bucket list on January 1st of many of the things I wanted to accomplish this year.  I did the same thing last year and was happy to look back and realize I did teh majority things I had planned on or had set out to do in 2011.

2012 isn't going the way I had planned.  Not by a long shot.  No trips.  No home rennovations.  No major progress on my train layout.  The only thing I have done is lose weight...and lose money.

I don't want for this post to be dour today.  I'm actually in an upbeat mood for the most part, but it is tough to medidiate and swallow the fact that six months have gone by....six months I will never get back...and they have been some of the worst six months of my life that has left me to a certain extent socially paralyzed.

Part of it is a money issue.  I thank God everyday that I have a job.  And He sustains and fulfills my basic needs.  There is food on my table, and electricty in my house, and gas in my car.  But I can't really go anywhere, buy anything nice, and I'm constantly cutting coupons, turning off lights, not turning on my (A/C...thank goodness it hasn't been super hot yet) and reigning in a lot of expenditures.  This tightening of the belt has caused me to do more cleaning at home, reading more books, watching more home videos, and spending a lot more time with my dog.  It's also forced me to get a tad more creative in finding alternative entertainment outside...which isn't a bad thing....in the form of hiking, picnics, hanging outside in the backyard or front with a few of the neighbors.

The part is a soical issue.  Many of my friends still ask the burning 'questions'...Some of which I don't mind answering, some of them I do.  A few "friends" have written me off, and in turn I've written a few of them off as well.  Some of them I miss...others...not so much.

One of the issues I have to deal with is my stress induced Chronic Uticaria.  I haven't had an episode in a few years now, but not dealing with mental stress can activate it, and I had mild epsiode that started this past Friday.  I usually treat it with plenty of rest, and steroids such as Predisone, cortaid...and plenty of cool showers and cold compresses.  It can be highly irritaing in a full blown case...causing me to itch, and swell,, and look visually un-appealing.  It's brought on by a combination of stress, fatigue, and heat.  All three of which happened this past week, and I spent the weekend paying for it.  At least it's almost cleared up now, and hopefully will be gone by tonight.

I didn't go to Celebrate on Friday, and Saturday's mens group was cancelled.  I didn't go to church yesterday because I did look like a leper, so I watched Joel Osteen instead and worked about the house.  One friend came over and hung out with me yesterday afternoon for a few hours and we visited out on my porch.  All in all, I tried to spend no money.  See, my lawyers bill came in on Friday, and it was a whopping and unexpected $900 for the month of June.  I can only imagine what my wife's is and this may have been her reasoning to ask me to put things on hold.  After getting this bill, I can understand why, and have no qualms now about placing thinsg on hold until she gets out of treatment later this month.

Speaking of my wife....she texted me over the weekend and asked if I would reaad her second packet of pre homework she is doing prior to her treatment. I said I would, and I got the 40 page packet.  To be honest...I'm not that impressed.  My SIL told me that my wife is under a lot of pressure and is completely stressed out over it...and now that I have a copy, and read the first third of it...I don't see what the issue is.  It's not like she's working or taking care of anyone, so she has all the time in the world.  The very first page says this packet generally takes 8-12 hours to complete if one is being honest with themselves.  My wife claims it took her almost a week and a half.  I don't see how, but I'm not around her, so I can't judge.  I know I work 40 hours a week, sit in traffic 5 hours a week, go to meetings, pay bills, etc, etc...and I still find time to collect all my financial documents, study for a test, etc.  But then again, I've always been good with time management....and my wife isn't.

Today is super slow at work.  Kinda figured it would be with the 4th smack in the middle of the week.  Speaking of which, I have no plans for the 4th as of yet.  I have a few options open to me, but none of them strike my fancy.  I'd rather just chill with my dog.  More on that later..or once I decide what I want to do.

Emotions and favors are getting the best of me.

A little late in the day for this entry, but I needed a break and collect myself today.

My wife texted me last night.  Wanted to tell me she moved back in with her parents on Friday, and it was her dad's birthday today.

Great.  Glad you were able to point out to me your dad's birthday to me (which I already knew about, for the record).  Too bad you neglected to wish my own dad happy birthday when it was his, or acknowledged mine with a text message.

She also texted me again about her signing up and attending the "Hoffman Institute."  I didn't respond right away...namely because I don't know how to respond, nor did she ask me a question.  It was a statement, not an inquiry.

After a while she texted me back, this time asking.  I plainly told her "Okay, but I have nothing to say on it."  She asked if she could send me a 27 page packet/document to show me part of her initial homework she needs to read and answer some questions about before she attends her 8 day in group therapy session.

"That's fine.", is all I replied.  And sure enough, I got it later that evening.  I waited until this morning to print it out and read it (more on that in a bit).

Last night, I took a step back.  It doesn't matter that I just got my 60 day chip.  Any empowerment I was feeling on Friday night, quickly dissipated Sunday evening.  I spent all day Sunday alone.  It sucked.  It really, really sucked.  Sure I got a ton of chores done, but I had too much time to think on my own and soon I became my own worst enemy.  It doesn't matter that I listened to Joel Osteen that morning, or attended my men's morning group on Saturday, or Celebrate on Friday evening.  It all went out the window last night when Satan told me I was destined to be alone.

It has been 4 montsh since I had physical contact with the opposite sex.  My libido has not diminished, but my partner has.  It's more than just sex however.  It really is a lot of loneliness and that feeling of being wanted/unwanted.

I could feel teh anxiety growing in me, and so for the first time in over a month I took a pill last night.  A Clonzapam.

This morning found me very emotional when I got up.  By the time I left my house this morning, I was crying again.  I hadn't cried in a few days, or maybe even a week now.  It was uncontrollable and it was all about anger, frustration, sadness, loniliness, and wondering where God is.

I read my devotionals this morning and said my prayers. 

Today they had no affect on me.

I wrote a letter to a man at my church...the leader of my Saturday group.  I cried the whole way through typing it.  I have heard no response as of yet.

At lunch I called my father and spoke with him for 15 minutes.  It helped, but didn't solve anything,  Even as he spoke with me, I was fighting the feeling of tears welling up inside me.  The last 16 hours have been a bitch both mentally and emotionally.

If that wasn't enough, my SIL called me at 12:40 today and spoke AT me for 20 minutes.  Now my own SIL (the one who urged me to seek a lawyer, who convinced the whole family that her sister needed an intervention and was drinking too much (she was), the one in my corner) seems like she's taking a step back.  She asked me to put the divorce on hold.  At least until her sister goes through her treatment.

Hey I'm all for my ex to get into therapy.  It's not the therapy I would have liked her to get, but at least she's going.

I'm not so surprised that her parents took a step back this last week.  Families can only endure so much I suppose when their child is 'troubled' and needs help.  I get that.  I am a bit surprised, however, that my SIL magically took a step back, and now wants me to follow suit.

Why is it they keep telling me, or at the minimum, strongly suggest on what I have to do....in order to benefit my ex.  I'm not a vindictive guy.  I'm not out to hurt my ex, or get revenge.  But seriously, how many free passes does she get?  And why does everyone expect me now to put the brakes on.  If you remember, these are the same people that ENCOURAGED me to move forward with obtaining a lawyer and filing paperwork.  Now they want me to stop because it's "too much stress" for my ex to handle?

Too much stress?

She's had the last 3+ months to do something when she thought the grass was greener elsewhere.  To take care of her affairs.  Show some progress in her job search, her education, her decisions.  Now that she FINALLY agreed that she needs help, everyone has to put the brakes on?  Including me?

What about my stress?  What about the fact I've been flying solo for over three months with no closure, no nothing.  Defending myself against all my would be detractors.  Taking care of the house, bills, dog, etc. by myself while still holding down a job?  I've lost over 20 lbs from this ordeal, basically quit drinking myself, and have spent hours upon hours in various meetings to cope with something I did not cause to begin with, and now I have been requested to step back?  It has reduced me at times to an emotional fetus.

My sister in law wanted an answer right then and there.  Are you kidding me?  I haven't spoke to her in over a week, my in laws in a few weeks, and the last conversation I had with my wife was she was still blaming my mother again for who knows what.  It's like drinking out of a firehouse, and I am expected to make a decision on the fly?

I told my SIL I had to digest and think about it.  I could tell she was actually peeved.  Again, are you kidding me?  You called me at work.  I have a meeting I have to attend in a few minutes.  You guys shove this down my throat out of nowhere and am expected to make a decision that will please you.  That is unfair, and I told my SIL as much.  She said I wasn't listening at one point.  Um, I just sat and listened to you, un-interrupted for 15 minutes and kept my voice calm and collected.  Don't tell me that I am not listening.

What I am hearing is a 180 degree shift in our united stance, and I'm the last one to hear about it, and am expected to fall in line...as has been the norm.  Sorry, but this is complete bullshit, no matter how noble the cause is.  It was somewhat portrayed to me that if I didn't go along with her request that her sister, my ex, would have a harder time.   Not to sound like an an arse, but....yeah, so?  It's only harder because she chooses to make it harder for herself.  How does my decision one way or another affect her ability to fill out a essay questionnaire?  At age 42, my ex lost her ability to form sentences now?  My SIL said the ball was in my court.

What is it with my family and their basketball analogies?  Why is everything in my court?  No one seems to have given a rats ass to my plight in the past.  When the ball was in my exes court, we all walked away.  I didn't ask for the ball back.  I don't want to play this stupid game right now.  I want some DESERVED peace.  I have my own mental struggles to deal with.  Don't add to them...thank you.

Upcoming weekend

Today appears to be yet another slow day at work.  Ugh, I can't wait for this day to be over and it's not even 10am yet.

Watched Bridesmaidls last night on Netflix.  Funny, and cute, but was it all that which everyone else make it to be?  Maybe you have to be a woman to really appreciate?

As of Wed., my estranged (soon to be ex)wife was at a Casino.  Huge changes she's making...can't you tell?  So rumor has it she moves back in with her parents this weekend, but we'll see.  Actually I don't care.

Got up early again this morning. I don't like this new habit of getting up at, or just before 5am.  I partly blame the dog, as this has been his new habit for at least a month now.

Tonight I'll go to Celebrate and get my somewhat overdue 60 day chip. Should have gotten it last week, but I didn't go. That's from 7-9pm.  Then I'll come home and watch the telly.

Saturday will be chores, grocery shopping, and the gym.  I agreed to meet my friend and his wife and their little camping spot tomorrow late afternoon and hang out for a few hours.  I'll be outside, by a campfire, under the stars until I come later.

Sunday will be church and the gym again, and then a possible dinner with another friend (still TBD). 

I'm looking forward to getting out just to quell my restless spirit.  The last two days, I've been a little agitated.  Probably a combination of getting up super early, long, boring days at work, not being able to go to the gym this last week, and teh idea of my inlaws taking in their daughter after they said they wouldn't (but I understand at my core why they did).  Just an overall feeling of anxiousness fro no real reason.

Slow Day(s)

Both yesterday and today have been mind numbingly slow.

I hate days like this where the clock seems to take foever to move an hour. 

So, I've been utilizing my time to try and make some sort of plans for the weekend.

It looks like tomorrow night will see me at Celebrate Recovery where I hope to be getting my 60 day chip for attending co-dependancy forums and open discussions.  That's the only plus, otherwise I'll be home shortly after 9pm and probably just watch some TV before I hit the bed.

Saturday looks as if I'll be doing chores about the house, maybe work on a train model, and hit the gym.  A buddy of mine invited me down to a campground he and his wife are staying at this weekend about 20 miles from where we live, just to hang out.  I won't be spending the night, but seriously thinking about going down with my dog and just hanging out by a bonfire and have a small cookout, watch the sunset, hang out under the stars for a bit and then drive back home.

Sunday will find me at church, then the gym again, and possibly hang out with some friends in the afternoon, but that isn't set in stone.

I'm also trying just to find thinsg to do in my area.  Looks like next weekend might have a better selection for things to do, like an outdoor fish fry next Friday night under the stars with a live band.  I'm also awaiting a tour book to come in the mail because I'm considering a driving trip later in July for a few days...just to get out of town.  It donned on me yesterday when I was thinking about this past year.....I haven't gone anywhere for or by myself in a year now.  Any 3 day vacations I have had, I've spent at home doing chores, legal stuff, and other crap....never doing a damn thing. 

This must change this year.

2012 is 1/2 over and I must try and accomplish going somewhere,....anywhere, lest I look back at this time next year and realize another year has come and went that I wasted doing nothing.

Meeting with my Mentor

Last night I was able to step out of the confines of being in a church setting and meet with my spiritual advisor at a local Starbucks to catch up.  I call him my spiritual advisor, or mentor, for lack of any other appropriate title right now.

He's a man who leads a study at my church and over the course of the last few years has opened my eyes to a lot of things I was previously missing in my search for a 'higher' meaning.  I'm not trying to sound cute, deep, or esoteric....but during my personal spiritual battles of depression and looking for answers knowing that there was something else out there....something I was hungry for, but was not being fed....he took an interest in me and started sharing with me his life journey (not entirely rosey itself) until he found Christ.

He allowed me to believe that Christians weren't indeed perfect, that they/we are a continual work in process, not bound by the laws of the Old Testament and fire and brimstone, but under the new idea that love, forgiveness, and being human is the way.

I had been going to his meetings on a regular basis up until Nov. 2011 when my marriage started to quickly unravel.  It would be a few more weeks or so before I took a step back and tried to pour my energy into saving my marriage and briefly took my eyes off of God.  It would be a few more weeks then before the failed intervention and before I found myself in Al-Anon and a different support group for the hard luck cases I attend now.

But he never forgot about me.  He gave me some distance, knew I was under a lot of stress and self-condemnation, but stayed supportive of me through prayer and occasional chats at church. 

Last night he explained that I was weighing heavy on his heart (what a great feeling to know that I actually matter to others outside my family) and wanted to see me.  He voiced concern and was just curious how my current walk was with the Lord....that if through this separation from my wife and my anger...if I had distanced myself from God. 

I explained to him...on the contrary...I am closer to God now, but still far from perfect.  I shared that I was attending Celebrate Recovery Friday nights, reading daily devotionals, listening to Joel Osteen, and still praying for my wife just about every day.  I explained I don't hate my wife at all....far from it, but I just can't be around her right now until she makes the decision to get better, and time will tell on that front. 

See, my life has changed radically the last few years (you know that) and not just through this marital turmoil...I could go on and on and fill pages, probably to the tune of a dead horse, but to sum it up succinctly:  I recognize behaviors that are not befitting of both of our ages and a healthy marriage.  I have recognized that I need to be responsible to God and myself first, spiritually, financially, etc.  That I am not a doormat anymore (at least trying so).  That past poor decisions or lack of me standing up has led to years of pain and misery.

We talked about other things as well, but it was nice to hear yet again that while we all have faults, that I should not condemn myself (Condemnation and doubt is the work of the Enemy, for there is no condemnation in Christ), that my Heavenly Father has forgiven me and loves both me and my wife and He wants her when she is ready.  It just so happens I heard the calling and draw back to Him first to submit to His will, where she wants to continue to be the master of her own domain....and look where that has gotten her so far.  She was determined to do things 'her' way, and now she's finding out, albeit slowly, her ways aren't the best ways....or working out the way she had planned.

Overall it was a nice conversation.  Two guys, being themselves, actually allowing a few "blue' words to spill from their lips without having to get on a knee and ask for forgiveness every 5 minutes(lol) and having a nice Mocha Chip Frappacino.

All in all, a nice hour and a half spent last night.

Rock Bottom (Part 2)

Sunday morning found me at church, and to be quite honest, only so-so attentive.

After the service, one of the men who has helped me through my various struggles in the past invited me out for coffee Tuesday night just to catch up and see how I'm doing.  I agreed, and so I will be seeing him this evening.  He briefly asked me what going on, and I gave him the abbreviated 5 minute version.  I explained that now I'm going through my 'anger' stage, if that makes sense.

Afterwards I came home to work on a train model of mine, make myself a sandwich, and decided to take my pup for a walk.  We went on a stroll around the lake in my town, but it was surprisingly a bit warm.  I didn't want to overheat my little guy, so I decided to take him to the local pet store and buy him a new toy and treats. 

It was fun putting him in the basket and pushing him down the aisles as he looked around, sniffing at all the curious smells.  I hope enjoyed it.  I know it's small little things like that which put a smile on my face these days.

In the afternoon, my parents came over once again, and we opted to share a pizza in town.  Father's Day was a bit mellow for us...I just gave my dad a card and we shared a pitcher of beer at the pizza parlor.  Afterwards we came back to my house where we watched the rest of the U.S. Open (golf).

At about 7:45 I received a text from my SIL urging me to take my wife's call (a call which I earlier ignored).  So as not to look like I'm an arse, I gave my wife a call around 8pm or so.  We spoke for about 20 minutes.  The gist of the conversation was this: My wife had went up to her parents house after our little squabble Saturday morning, only to get into a large argument with her parents.  She didn't go into details, but basically said it was ugly.  As a family (my wife, MIL/FIL & SIL) drove to a treatment center to check out, but ultimately my wife did not enroll because she said it was full of hard core heroin and major drugs.

Anyway, somehow, someway my SIL convinced my wife to enroll in an 8 day program called the Hoffman Institute.  It is not covered by insurance, so it is my understanding my in laws will pay the hefty application fee and that my wife will attend this intensive inpatient program in mid-July.  In the meantime she will be collecting her stuff over the next few days and move back to our state and move in with her parents for the next three weeks until she enrolls into the program.  She'll be done by the end of July and I have no idea what her plans are after that.

The reason she called me was that she finally admitted her life is out of control.  That she is not happy with herself, her surroundings, some of the choices she has made, etc.  That being said, she never once said she was 'sorry' to me, nor sis she admit to being an 'alcoholic'.  It was more an admission that she was 'depressed' and she's hitting "rock bottom" her own way.  To be honest, I wasn't sure this day would come, at least not so soon, if you consider 3 months soon.  My wife has always been fiercely independent, closed off emotionally, stubborn, bitter, etc.  I guess the 3 months away from home & her family, along with the knowledge that funds are dwindling and there are no job prospects in sight, coupled with the fact I did not chase after her and more or less ignored her must have finally gotten to her.

She also admitted that her current living situation and surroundings wasn't conducive to a healthy and happy environment for her.  Well, we all told her that 3 months ago, but I suppose she needed to come to that conclusion on her own.

She finally asked me if I would halt my divorce proceedings against her.  Asked if I would table them for 6 months.

As much as it pains me, I told her "No."

I have spent 8+ years being her doormat.  The incidents and painful memories and baggage I've been carrying have been well documented within this blog.  When I try to be calm and think back over time, the "Con's" far outweigh any "Pro's" I can muster up.  Just the day before, Saturday, I was once again on the receiving end of her accusations, so it's a little hard for me to believe she did a 180 in 24 hours.  The knowledge that she is getting into treatment a month from now does not erase all the damage I and my family have felt over the years.

Just this past month, while the process has been slow, I know I can meet other people.  As a matter of fact (and I'm not tooting my horn here), I was just asked out by a woman yesterday.  No joke! 

I spoke with my best friend about the situation yesterday.  He also encouraged me to go through with the divorce, to let my wife know I am not messing around anymore and I have been reborn.  If the stars should someday re-align, there's no reason why we can't date and re-marry in a year from now, but I have to go through with this, for my own sanity and closure and to "man up" if you will.  Looking back I have given her dozens upon dozens of chances...and she has thrown them all away.  Now that it has become too much for her to bare, she wants me to back up?  She actually said "If you love me, you would."

Well, well, well.  If that isn't emotional manipulation, I don't know what is. 

Again, she never once told me that she still loved me.  Instead she wanted me to PROVE to her, through my actions, that I loved her.  No, I don't see any real change here.  As I told her Saturday "Actions speak louder than words."  Let me see her turn her life around first and make steps in a positive direction before I can even entertain her musings.  Maybe some day in the future she will change, but I'll have to wait and see.  I want someone who I can share my life with spiritually, someone who will accept my entire family (including my mom), someone who is financially responsible so I don't have to worry about calls from collection agencies anymore, someone who will make marriage a priority.....not bowling, someone who wants to better their life not to drink and hide behind Facebook all day long.

Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound pompous....but I do indeed deserve better than what I've endured.

Rock bottom? (Part 1)

Today I feel as if I am in a stupor.  Not bad, not depressing, but "clouded".

My wife came down, again, this weekend and spent the night at the Nosey Neighbor's house  on Friday.  Of course, I was a tad bit nervous as one of my other neighbors warned me she had been drinking and I *may* expect a late visit at my door.

Thankfully that never came, but I spent Friday night inside my house catching myself looking out the window every 45 minutes or so.  Not good for me to be continually uptight.

I spoke with my SIL and said "Yes", she in fact knew that her sister was down this weekend and would be actually seeing her and her parents together sometime late Saturday morning.  My SIL proceeded to inform me that my wife has been trying to paint me in a bad light towards her parents as of late (which is to be expected I suppose).  Although that bums me out to a certain extent, I was forming the conclusion in my own mind that she must be grasping at straws now.  That her inability to find a job, mounting bills, loss of her family, and the realization that I'm not pursuing her or rolling over at this point must be getting to her.

I still get the 'death' stares from two female 'enablers' on my street, but in all seriousness, I really don't give a damn.  I've survived 3 months now of their petty behaviors, so who cares?

I received a text message Saturday morning from my wife that she wanted her mail.  No problem.  I took all of her mail, placed it in a bag, and told her to meet me outside now as I am headed to the gym and then I am headed out with my family to spend Father's Day with my grandfather.

I was a bit shocked at the site of her on Saturday.  I hope my facial expressions didn't give it away or reveal too much and I didn't bring it up to her (no reason to add insult to injury), but she looks like hell.  I don't say that to be mean, I actually say that out of genuine concern.  She looked horrible.  Her face was completely broken out in a rash I had never seen before, and she looked "older".  This was clearly not the person I married.

I handed her the bag of mail and turned to walk away, to get back in my car and leave for the gym.  But apparently she had something to say to me, so I stopped and listened.  She went on to say that she has gone to 4 therapy sessions, on her own, and is done with that and if I wanted to save our marriage that I would agree to go to couples counseling.  What about all the counseling sessions I suggested over and over which you said "Didn't work", or "There was nothing wrong with you, but with me."

I said I'm not sure if I am interested or not.  I told her that I'm going to use her own words that she used on me so many times in the past: "Actions speak louder than words.  As far as I can tell, you have done NOTHING in the last three months to show me you took positive steps.  You have failed to pay bills.  You have accused mutual friends of 'wanting me' insinuating that I may be having an affair.  You have the neighbor who claims to want nothing to do with this, watch me come and go and report to you.  You bad mouth me to EVERYONE.  You have had your lawyer threaten me with a restraining order and lied to them about me not giving you your mail or denying you access to your personal belongings."

I inquired about her 4 sessions.  They were 1 hour each.

"And now, you claim to have 4 therapy sessions that I have to take your word for and you expect me to believe that after 4 sessions that negates 42 years of issues?  8 years of marriage?  What you've said to my mother?  What you've told the whole neighborhood, your former coworkers, etc?  You're kidding right?"

I began to raise my voice, slightly.  She asked me to keep it down, that she was embarrassed and didn't want the neighborhood to hear.  I replied "I don't care if they hear me or not.  I have nothing to hide and thanks to you, they know EVERYTHING anyway, of course from your exaggerated and biased side.  So what are they going to hear that you haven't been telling then for the past 3 months anyway?  Are they not going to talk to me anymore?  Guess what, 1/2 of them don't anyway thank you very much."

I didn't swear, I didn't call her any names, but I let her know that through Celebrate, by own therapy, Al-Anon meetings, and my own men's support group I am getting stronger and am no longer going to be your personal doormat.

She began to cry.

It really didn't faze me.  Do you know how many nights sleep I lost over the past 3 months?  How many tears I have shed?  How many mutual friends I have lost due to your exaggeration and/or fabrications?  How much a financial burden I have taken on by myself?  How many hours of my own therapy meetings I have gone to now to gain some semblance of my spine and life back?  Family members divided?  How much weight I lost?  What medications I am on for blood pressure, depression, anxiety, and the like?

A few tears from her mean nothing to me right now.

I told her that I am headed to the gym and will be gone the rest of the day after that.  She said she'd be in town through Monday.  I don't care.  I left.

(To be continued)

Holding Patterns

I suppose it is inevitable for everyone once in a while.

Holding patterns.

That is the feeling I have thus far today.  It's not neither good nor bad, but somewhat....uncomfortable.  Like the feeling I should be much more productive than I actually am being right now because I feel the inner machinations of myself waiting fro something to happen to spur me on, or forward.

I'm not sure if it is God telling me to be silent and still for the time being, or if I'm just aware that I 'should' be doing something, but 'unaware' of what is actually stopping me.  Whatever it is ultimately, I don't cherish the feeling.

On the divorce front: Nothing has happened in a week now.  My wife, as far as I know, hasn't had her lawyer do anything further (but then again, I may be surprised later on today going into the weekend.).  I hope not.  I could really use a break this weekend seeing that its Father's Day.  I wonder if she will be coming back down to visit her father?  By the way,...that's something I find somewhat painful this year: Not seeing my FIL.  I did mail him a card on Tuesday, so he'll probably get it today or tomorrow. 

Speaking of which, my MIL and SIL have been awfully silent this past week.  I kinda figured this would happen.  The slowly 'pulling' away and closing the door without slamming it.  Who was I kidding to believe that our relationship could ever be the same?  I see the writing on the wall.  God's 'period' on that chapter of my life will soon be written.  Time to come to terms with that, and it's not easy.

I also haven't had the time to finish the other part of my paperwork.  I know I keep putting it off with every passing day, but the days are filled with work, followed by coming home after sitting in traffic 40 minutes and walking the dog.  Then it's preparing dinner, doing other odd chores, and before I know it, it is after 7pm again and the last thing I want to do is legal stuff.  I'll probably have to do it this weekend, but that sucks too because my parents (and family) seems to always have crap planned now on the weekends smack in the middle of the day.  Like this weekend - My family wants a Father's Day with my aunt/uncle and grandfather on Saturday (that will be most of the day), and then Sunday my mom already said she wants another one just with my father.  How can I say no?  Especially after everything they do for me, but at the same time, I just feel I have no "me" time.

I'm also not looking forward to my aunt/uncle & grandfather's questioning on "How are you doing?"  I'll have to endure their discussion, platitudes, and advice whether I want to or not and just grin and bare it.

No time for my modeling, no time to meet new people, no time to get out.  As a matter of fact, I am forcing myself to go to the gym for a 1/2 hour tonight otherwise, when will I go again?  I need to burn some energy...whether I have the time or not.  I know that sounds like a whiny excuse: "Well, you should have all the time in the world now.  You're a bachelor.  What commitments do you have?"  Yeah, I get that....but in all seriousness....it isn't easy being by yourself.  I don't know how single mothers do it and I have a new found respect for them.  Time is a precious commodity now, more so that ever before, and if and when I have an extra hour I'm not even sure what to do with it: A) relax, rest, and recuperate -or- B) plug away at yet another task that needs to get done that I just can't seem to get to.  I seriously need 8 days in a week, or 26 hours in a day now.