Emotions and favors are getting the best of me.

A little late in the day for this entry, but I needed a break and collect myself today.

My wife texted me last night.  Wanted to tell me she moved back in with her parents on Friday, and it was her dad's birthday today.

Great.  Glad you were able to point out to me your dad's birthday to me (which I already knew about, for the record).  Too bad you neglected to wish my own dad happy birthday when it was his, or acknowledged mine with a text message.

She also texted me again about her signing up and attending the "Hoffman Institute."  I didn't respond right away...namely because I don't know how to respond, nor did she ask me a question.  It was a statement, not an inquiry.

After a while she texted me back, this time asking.  I plainly told her "Okay, but I have nothing to say on it."  She asked if she could send me a 27 page packet/document to show me part of her initial homework she needs to read and answer some questions about before she attends her 8 day in group therapy session.

"That's fine.", is all I replied.  And sure enough, I got it later that evening.  I waited until this morning to print it out and read it (more on that in a bit).

Last night, I took a step back.  It doesn't matter that I just got my 60 day chip.  Any empowerment I was feeling on Friday night, quickly dissipated Sunday evening.  I spent all day Sunday alone.  It sucked.  It really, really sucked.  Sure I got a ton of chores done, but I had too much time to think on my own and soon I became my own worst enemy.  It doesn't matter that I listened to Joel Osteen that morning, or attended my men's morning group on Saturday, or Celebrate on Friday evening.  It all went out the window last night when Satan told me I was destined to be alone.

It has been 4 montsh since I had physical contact with the opposite sex.  My libido has not diminished, but my partner has.  It's more than just sex however.  It really is a lot of loneliness and that feeling of being wanted/unwanted.

I could feel teh anxiety growing in me, and so for the first time in over a month I took a pill last night.  A Clonzapam.

This morning found me very emotional when I got up.  By the time I left my house this morning, I was crying again.  I hadn't cried in a few days, or maybe even a week now.  It was uncontrollable and it was all about anger, frustration, sadness, loniliness, and wondering where God is.

I read my devotionals this morning and said my prayers. 

Today they had no affect on me.

I wrote a letter to a man at my church...the leader of my Saturday group.  I cried the whole way through typing it.  I have heard no response as of yet.

At lunch I called my father and spoke with him for 15 minutes.  It helped, but didn't solve anything,  Even as he spoke with me, I was fighting the feeling of tears welling up inside me.  The last 16 hours have been a bitch both mentally and emotionally.

If that wasn't enough, my SIL called me at 12:40 today and spoke AT me for 20 minutes.  Now my own SIL (the one who urged me to seek a lawyer, who convinced the whole family that her sister needed an intervention and was drinking too much (she was), the one in my corner) seems like she's taking a step back.  She asked me to put the divorce on hold.  At least until her sister goes through her treatment.

Hey I'm all for my ex to get into therapy.  It's not the therapy I would have liked her to get, but at least she's going.

I'm not so surprised that her parents took a step back this last week.  Families can only endure so much I suppose when their child is 'troubled' and needs help.  I get that.  I am a bit surprised, however, that my SIL magically took a step back, and now wants me to follow suit.

Why is it they keep telling me, or at the minimum, strongly suggest on what I have to do....in order to benefit my ex.  I'm not a vindictive guy.  I'm not out to hurt my ex, or get revenge.  But seriously, how many free passes does she get?  And why does everyone expect me now to put the brakes on.  If you remember, these are the same people that ENCOURAGED me to move forward with obtaining a lawyer and filing paperwork.  Now they want me to stop because it's "too much stress" for my ex to handle?

Too much stress?

She's had the last 3+ months to do something when she thought the grass was greener elsewhere.  To take care of her affairs.  Show some progress in her job search, her education, her decisions.  Now that she FINALLY agreed that she needs help, everyone has to put the brakes on?  Including me?

What about my stress?  What about the fact I've been flying solo for over three months with no closure, no nothing.  Defending myself against all my would be detractors.  Taking care of the house, bills, dog, etc. by myself while still holding down a job?  I've lost over 20 lbs from this ordeal, basically quit drinking myself, and have spent hours upon hours in various meetings to cope with something I did not cause to begin with, and now I have been requested to step back?  It has reduced me at times to an emotional fetus.

My sister in law wanted an answer right then and there.  Are you kidding me?  I haven't spoke to her in over a week, my in laws in a few weeks, and the last conversation I had with my wife was she was still blaming my mother again for who knows what.  It's like drinking out of a firehouse, and I am expected to make a decision on the fly?

I told my SIL I had to digest and think about it.  I could tell she was actually peeved.  Again, are you kidding me?  You called me at work.  I have a meeting I have to attend in a few minutes.  You guys shove this down my throat out of nowhere and am expected to make a decision that will please you.  That is unfair, and I told my SIL as much.  She said I wasn't listening at one point.  Um, I just sat and listened to you, un-interrupted for 15 minutes and kept my voice calm and collected.  Don't tell me that I am not listening.

What I am hearing is a 180 degree shift in our united stance, and I'm the last one to hear about it, and am expected to fall in line...as has been the norm.  Sorry, but this is complete bullshit, no matter how noble the cause is.  It was somewhat portrayed to me that if I didn't go along with her request that her sister, my ex, would have a harder time.   Not to sound like an an arse, but....yeah, so?  It's only harder because she chooses to make it harder for herself.  How does my decision one way or another affect her ability to fill out a essay questionnaire?  At age 42, my ex lost her ability to form sentences now?  My SIL said the ball was in my court.

What is it with my family and their basketball analogies?  Why is everything in my court?  No one seems to have given a rats ass to my plight in the past.  When the ball was in my exes court, we all walked away.  I didn't ask for the ball back.  I don't want to play this stupid game right now.  I want some DESERVED peace.  I have my own mental struggles to deal with.  Don't add to them...thank you.

Upcoming weekend

Today appears to be yet another slow day at work.  Ugh, I can't wait for this day to be over and it's not even 10am yet.

Watched Bridesmaidls last night on Netflix.  Funny, and cute, but was it all that which everyone else make it to be?  Maybe you have to be a woman to really appreciate?

As of Wed., my estranged (soon to be ex)wife was at a Casino.  Huge changes she's making...can't you tell?  So rumor has it she moves back in with her parents this weekend, but we'll see.  Actually I don't care.

Got up early again this morning. I don't like this new habit of getting up at, or just before 5am.  I partly blame the dog, as this has been his new habit for at least a month now.

Tonight I'll go to Celebrate and get my somewhat overdue 60 day chip. Should have gotten it last week, but I didn't go. That's from 7-9pm.  Then I'll come home and watch the telly.

Saturday will be chores, grocery shopping, and the gym.  I agreed to meet my friend and his wife and their little camping spot tomorrow late afternoon and hang out for a few hours.  I'll be outside, by a campfire, under the stars until I come later.

Sunday will be church and the gym again, and then a possible dinner with another friend (still TBD). 

I'm looking forward to getting out just to quell my restless spirit.  The last two days, I've been a little agitated.  Probably a combination of getting up super early, long, boring days at work, not being able to go to the gym this last week, and teh idea of my inlaws taking in their daughter after they said they wouldn't (but I understand at my core why they did).  Just an overall feeling of anxiousness fro no real reason.

Slow Day(s)

Both yesterday and today have been mind numbingly slow.

I hate days like this where the clock seems to take foever to move an hour. 

So, I've been utilizing my time to try and make some sort of plans for the weekend.

It looks like tomorrow night will see me at Celebrate Recovery where I hope to be getting my 60 day chip for attending co-dependancy forums and open discussions.  That's the only plus, otherwise I'll be home shortly after 9pm and probably just watch some TV before I hit the bed.

Saturday looks as if I'll be doing chores about the house, maybe work on a train model, and hit the gym.  A buddy of mine invited me down to a campground he and his wife are staying at this weekend about 20 miles from where we live, just to hang out.  I won't be spending the night, but seriously thinking about going down with my dog and just hanging out by a bonfire and have a small cookout, watch the sunset, hang out under the stars for a bit and then drive back home.

Sunday will find me at church, then the gym again, and possibly hang out with some friends in the afternoon, but that isn't set in stone.

I'm also trying just to find thinsg to do in my area.  Looks like next weekend might have a better selection for things to do, like an outdoor fish fry next Friday night under the stars with a live band.  I'm also awaiting a tour book to come in the mail because I'm considering a driving trip later in July for a few days...just to get out of town.  It donned on me yesterday when I was thinking about this past year.....I haven't gone anywhere for or by myself in a year now.  Any 3 day vacations I have had, I've spent at home doing chores, legal stuff, and other crap....never doing a damn thing. 

This must change this year.

2012 is 1/2 over and I must try and accomplish going somewhere,....anywhere, lest I look back at this time next year and realize another year has come and went that I wasted doing nothing.

Meeting with my Mentor

Last night I was able to step out of the confines of being in a church setting and meet with my spiritual advisor at a local Starbucks to catch up.  I call him my spiritual advisor, or mentor, for lack of any other appropriate title right now.

He's a man who leads a study at my church and over the course of the last few years has opened my eyes to a lot of things I was previously missing in my search for a 'higher' meaning.  I'm not trying to sound cute, deep, or esoteric....but during my personal spiritual battles of depression and looking for answers knowing that there was something else out there....something I was hungry for, but was not being fed....he took an interest in me and started sharing with me his life journey (not entirely rosey itself) until he found Christ.

He allowed me to believe that Christians weren't indeed perfect, that they/we are a continual work in process, not bound by the laws of the Old Testament and fire and brimstone, but under the new idea that love, forgiveness, and being human is the way.

I had been going to his meetings on a regular basis up until Nov. 2011 when my marriage started to quickly unravel.  It would be a few more weeks or so before I took a step back and tried to pour my energy into saving my marriage and briefly took my eyes off of God.  It would be a few more weeks then before the failed intervention and before I found myself in Al-Anon and a different support group for the hard luck cases I attend now.

But he never forgot about me.  He gave me some distance, knew I was under a lot of stress and self-condemnation, but stayed supportive of me through prayer and occasional chats at church. 

Last night he explained that I was weighing heavy on his heart (what a great feeling to know that I actually matter to others outside my family) and wanted to see me.  He voiced concern and was just curious how my current walk was with the Lord....that if through this separation from my wife and my anger...if I had distanced myself from God. 

I explained to him...on the contrary...I am closer to God now, but still far from perfect.  I shared that I was attending Celebrate Recovery Friday nights, reading daily devotionals, listening to Joel Osteen, and still praying for my wife just about every day.  I explained I don't hate my wife at all....far from it, but I just can't be around her right now until she makes the decision to get better, and time will tell on that front. 

See, my life has changed radically the last few years (you know that) and not just through this marital turmoil...I could go on and on and fill pages, probably to the tune of a dead horse, but to sum it up succinctly:  I recognize behaviors that are not befitting of both of our ages and a healthy marriage.  I have recognized that I need to be responsible to God and myself first, spiritually, financially, etc.  That I am not a doormat anymore (at least trying so).  That past poor decisions or lack of me standing up has led to years of pain and misery.

We talked about other things as well, but it was nice to hear yet again that while we all have faults, that I should not condemn myself (Condemnation and doubt is the work of the Enemy, for there is no condemnation in Christ), that my Heavenly Father has forgiven me and loves both me and my wife and He wants her when she is ready.  It just so happens I heard the calling and draw back to Him first to submit to His will, where she wants to continue to be the master of her own domain....and look where that has gotten her so far.  She was determined to do things 'her' way, and now she's finding out, albeit slowly, her ways aren't the best ways....or working out the way she had planned.

Overall it was a nice conversation.  Two guys, being themselves, actually allowing a few "blue' words to spill from their lips without having to get on a knee and ask for forgiveness every 5 minutes(lol) and having a nice Mocha Chip Frappacino.

All in all, a nice hour and a half spent last night.

Rock Bottom (Part 2)

Sunday morning found me at church, and to be quite honest, only so-so attentive.

After the service, one of the men who has helped me through my various struggles in the past invited me out for coffee Tuesday night just to catch up and see how I'm doing.  I agreed, and so I will be seeing him this evening.  He briefly asked me what going on, and I gave him the abbreviated 5 minute version.  I explained that now I'm going through my 'anger' stage, if that makes sense.

Afterwards I came home to work on a train model of mine, make myself a sandwich, and decided to take my pup for a walk.  We went on a stroll around the lake in my town, but it was surprisingly a bit warm.  I didn't want to overheat my little guy, so I decided to take him to the local pet store and buy him a new toy and treats. 

It was fun putting him in the basket and pushing him down the aisles as he looked around, sniffing at all the curious smells.  I hope enjoyed it.  I know it's small little things like that which put a smile on my face these days.

In the afternoon, my parents came over once again, and we opted to share a pizza in town.  Father's Day was a bit mellow for us...I just gave my dad a card and we shared a pitcher of beer at the pizza parlor.  Afterwards we came back to my house where we watched the rest of the U.S. Open (golf).

At about 7:45 I received a text from my SIL urging me to take my wife's call (a call which I earlier ignored).  So as not to look like I'm an arse, I gave my wife a call around 8pm or so.  We spoke for about 20 minutes.  The gist of the conversation was this: My wife had went up to her parents house after our little squabble Saturday morning, only to get into a large argument with her parents.  She didn't go into details, but basically said it was ugly.  As a family (my wife, MIL/FIL & SIL) drove to a treatment center to check out, but ultimately my wife did not enroll because she said it was full of hard core heroin and major drugs.

Anyway, somehow, someway my SIL convinced my wife to enroll in an 8 day program called the Hoffman Institute.  It is not covered by insurance, so it is my understanding my in laws will pay the hefty application fee and that my wife will attend this intensive inpatient program in mid-July.  In the meantime she will be collecting her stuff over the next few days and move back to our state and move in with her parents for the next three weeks until she enrolls into the program.  She'll be done by the end of July and I have no idea what her plans are after that.

The reason she called me was that she finally admitted her life is out of control.  That she is not happy with herself, her surroundings, some of the choices she has made, etc.  That being said, she never once said she was 'sorry' to me, nor sis she admit to being an 'alcoholic'.  It was more an admission that she was 'depressed' and she's hitting "rock bottom" her own way.  To be honest, I wasn't sure this day would come, at least not so soon, if you consider 3 months soon.  My wife has always been fiercely independent, closed off emotionally, stubborn, bitter, etc.  I guess the 3 months away from home & her family, along with the knowledge that funds are dwindling and there are no job prospects in sight, coupled with the fact I did not chase after her and more or less ignored her must have finally gotten to her.

She also admitted that her current living situation and surroundings wasn't conducive to a healthy and happy environment for her.  Well, we all told her that 3 months ago, but I suppose she needed to come to that conclusion on her own.

She finally asked me if I would halt my divorce proceedings against her.  Asked if I would table them for 6 months.

As much as it pains me, I told her "No."

I have spent 8+ years being her doormat.  The incidents and painful memories and baggage I've been carrying have been well documented within this blog.  When I try to be calm and think back over time, the "Con's" far outweigh any "Pro's" I can muster up.  Just the day before, Saturday, I was once again on the receiving end of her accusations, so it's a little hard for me to believe she did a 180 in 24 hours.  The knowledge that she is getting into treatment a month from now does not erase all the damage I and my family have felt over the years.

Just this past month, while the process has been slow, I know I can meet other people.  As a matter of fact (and I'm not tooting my horn here), I was just asked out by a woman yesterday.  No joke! 

I spoke with my best friend about the situation yesterday.  He also encouraged me to go through with the divorce, to let my wife know I am not messing around anymore and I have been reborn.  If the stars should someday re-align, there's no reason why we can't date and re-marry in a year from now, but I have to go through with this, for my own sanity and closure and to "man up" if you will.  Looking back I have given her dozens upon dozens of chances...and she has thrown them all away.  Now that it has become too much for her to bare, she wants me to back up?  She actually said "If you love me, you would."

Well, well, well.  If that isn't emotional manipulation, I don't know what is. 

Again, she never once told me that she still loved me.  Instead she wanted me to PROVE to her, through my actions, that I loved her.  No, I don't see any real change here.  As I told her Saturday "Actions speak louder than words."  Let me see her turn her life around first and make steps in a positive direction before I can even entertain her musings.  Maybe some day in the future she will change, but I'll have to wait and see.  I want someone who I can share my life with spiritually, someone who will accept my entire family (including my mom), someone who is financially responsible so I don't have to worry about calls from collection agencies anymore, someone who will make marriage a priority.....not bowling, someone who wants to better their life not to drink and hide behind Facebook all day long.

Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound pompous....but I do indeed deserve better than what I've endured.

Rock bottom? (Part 1)

Today I feel as if I am in a stupor.  Not bad, not depressing, but "clouded".

My wife came down, again, this weekend and spent the night at the Nosey Neighbor's house  on Friday.  Of course, I was a tad bit nervous as one of my other neighbors warned me she had been drinking and I *may* expect a late visit at my door.

Thankfully that never came, but I spent Friday night inside my house catching myself looking out the window every 45 minutes or so.  Not good for me to be continually uptight.

I spoke with my SIL and said "Yes", she in fact knew that her sister was down this weekend and would be actually seeing her and her parents together sometime late Saturday morning.  My SIL proceeded to inform me that my wife has been trying to paint me in a bad light towards her parents as of late (which is to be expected I suppose).  Although that bums me out to a certain extent, I was forming the conclusion in my own mind that she must be grasping at straws now.  That her inability to find a job, mounting bills, loss of her family, and the realization that I'm not pursuing her or rolling over at this point must be getting to her.

I still get the 'death' stares from two female 'enablers' on my street, but in all seriousness, I really don't give a damn.  I've survived 3 months now of their petty behaviors, so who cares?

I received a text message Saturday morning from my wife that she wanted her mail.  No problem.  I took all of her mail, placed it in a bag, and told her to meet me outside now as I am headed to the gym and then I am headed out with my family to spend Father's Day with my grandfather.

I was a bit shocked at the site of her on Saturday.  I hope my facial expressions didn't give it away or reveal too much and I didn't bring it up to her (no reason to add insult to injury), but she looks like hell.  I don't say that to be mean, I actually say that out of genuine concern.  She looked horrible.  Her face was completely broken out in a rash I had never seen before, and she looked "older".  This was clearly not the person I married.

I handed her the bag of mail and turned to walk away, to get back in my car and leave for the gym.  But apparently she had something to say to me, so I stopped and listened.  She went on to say that she has gone to 4 therapy sessions, on her own, and is done with that and if I wanted to save our marriage that I would agree to go to couples counseling.  What about all the counseling sessions I suggested over and over which you said "Didn't work", or "There was nothing wrong with you, but with me."

I said I'm not sure if I am interested or not.  I told her that I'm going to use her own words that she used on me so many times in the past: "Actions speak louder than words.  As far as I can tell, you have done NOTHING in the last three months to show me you took positive steps.  You have failed to pay bills.  You have accused mutual friends of 'wanting me' insinuating that I may be having an affair.  You have the neighbor who claims to want nothing to do with this, watch me come and go and report to you.  You bad mouth me to EVERYONE.  You have had your lawyer threaten me with a restraining order and lied to them about me not giving you your mail or denying you access to your personal belongings."

I inquired about her 4 sessions.  They were 1 hour each.

"And now, you claim to have 4 therapy sessions that I have to take your word for and you expect me to believe that after 4 sessions that negates 42 years of issues?  8 years of marriage?  What you've said to my mother?  What you've told the whole neighborhood, your former coworkers, etc?  You're kidding right?"

I began to raise my voice, slightly.  She asked me to keep it down, that she was embarrassed and didn't want the neighborhood to hear.  I replied "I don't care if they hear me or not.  I have nothing to hide and thanks to you, they know EVERYTHING anyway, of course from your exaggerated and biased side.  So what are they going to hear that you haven't been telling then for the past 3 months anyway?  Are they not going to talk to me anymore?  Guess what, 1/2 of them don't anyway thank you very much."

I didn't swear, I didn't call her any names, but I let her know that through Celebrate, by own therapy, Al-Anon meetings, and my own men's support group I am getting stronger and am no longer going to be your personal doormat.

She began to cry.

It really didn't faze me.  Do you know how many nights sleep I lost over the past 3 months?  How many tears I have shed?  How many mutual friends I have lost due to your exaggeration and/or fabrications?  How much a financial burden I have taken on by myself?  How many hours of my own therapy meetings I have gone to now to gain some semblance of my spine and life back?  Family members divided?  How much weight I lost?  What medications I am on for blood pressure, depression, anxiety, and the like?

A few tears from her mean nothing to me right now.

I told her that I am headed to the gym and will be gone the rest of the day after that.  She said she'd be in town through Monday.  I don't care.  I left.

(To be continued)

Holding Patterns

I suppose it is inevitable for everyone once in a while.

Holding patterns.

That is the feeling I have thus far today.  It's not neither good nor bad, but somewhat....uncomfortable.  Like the feeling I should be much more productive than I actually am being right now because I feel the inner machinations of myself waiting fro something to happen to spur me on, or forward.

I'm not sure if it is God telling me to be silent and still for the time being, or if I'm just aware that I 'should' be doing something, but 'unaware' of what is actually stopping me.  Whatever it is ultimately, I don't cherish the feeling.

On the divorce front: Nothing has happened in a week now.  My wife, as far as I know, hasn't had her lawyer do anything further (but then again, I may be surprised later on today going into the weekend.).  I hope not.  I could really use a break this weekend seeing that its Father's Day.  I wonder if she will be coming back down to visit her father?  By the way,...that's something I find somewhat painful this year: Not seeing my FIL.  I did mail him a card on Tuesday, so he'll probably get it today or tomorrow. 

Speaking of which, my MIL and SIL have been awfully silent this past week.  I kinda figured this would happen.  The slowly 'pulling' away and closing the door without slamming it.  Who was I kidding to believe that our relationship could ever be the same?  I see the writing on the wall.  God's 'period' on that chapter of my life will soon be written.  Time to come to terms with that, and it's not easy.

I also haven't had the time to finish the other part of my paperwork.  I know I keep putting it off with every passing day, but the days are filled with work, followed by coming home after sitting in traffic 40 minutes and walking the dog.  Then it's preparing dinner, doing other odd chores, and before I know it, it is after 7pm again and the last thing I want to do is legal stuff.  I'll probably have to do it this weekend, but that sucks too because my parents (and family) seems to always have crap planned now on the weekends smack in the middle of the day.  Like this weekend - My family wants a Father's Day with my aunt/uncle and grandfather on Saturday (that will be most of the day), and then Sunday my mom already said she wants another one just with my father.  How can I say no?  Especially after everything they do for me, but at the same time, I just feel I have no "me" time.

I'm also not looking forward to my aunt/uncle & grandfather's questioning on "How are you doing?"  I'll have to endure their discussion, platitudes, and advice whether I want to or not and just grin and bare it.

No time for my modeling, no time to meet new people, no time to get out.  As a matter of fact, I am forcing myself to go to the gym for a 1/2 hour tonight otherwise, when will I go again?  I need to burn some energy...whether I have the time or not.  I know that sounds like a whiny excuse: "Well, you should have all the time in the world now.  You're a bachelor.  What commitments do you have?"  Yeah, I get that....but in all seriousness....it isn't easy being by yourself.  I don't know how single mothers do it and I have a new found respect for them.  Time is a precious commodity now, more so that ever before, and if and when I have an extra hour I'm not even sure what to do with it: A) relax, rest, and recuperate -or- B) plug away at yet another task that needs to get done that I just can't seem to get to.  I seriously need 8 days in a week, or 26 hours in a day now.

And now for something completely different....

Joel Osteen

I don't know why, but Monty Python just entered my head when thinking about a title for this post.

I love British humor.  I actually love any type of dry, quick wit.  To me it's a sign of intelligence.  The ability to make a dead pan comment or see the insane side of a sane world without resorting to lowbrow words or situations is a sign of intelligence to me.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned Joel Osteen Ministries before or not.  I came across him for the first time a month or so back when I missed my regular church service and felt the desire (notice I didn't say need) to watch a Sunday morning TV sermon.  Anyway, I stumbled across him and with a skeptics ear I listened.  I say 'skeptics ear' because I'm a little worried about some televangelists...and there's plenty of reason to be such, but I actually liked what he said. 

And by my limited knowledge of the Words, Joel's message's easily pass my personal litmus test on being biblically sound.

Today is Tuesday.  That is six days ago I received the inflammatory letter from my wife's attorney, and you can guess by now I have allowed it to affect me at a very deep level.  Thank goodness my ex can't see me because there's no reason I'd like to give her to know that she was able to get into my head so good and derail me for so many days.

But then today (albeit 6 days later) I felt the need inside me to listen to a Joel Osteen sermon online.  I've never been to his website before.  Today was the first time.  I signed in and went to his podcast section and chose sermon #515 - "The Power of Letting Go" (which happened to be recorded May 27, 2012, just a few weeks back).

WOW!!

The message was designed for me to hear today.  Maybe God wanted me to think about things the last 6 days before I was ready to accept something.  That something was the "idea of 'Letting Go'".  Joel makes a a great point towards the end of this 30 minute sermon.
    

"Why do we place a question mark, where God has put a period?"

Meaning, whether we understand things or not, we should tune in more acutely and listen to God's answer, and accept it for what the final result is.  Instead, we sit and try to figure things out and wedge it conveniently into our own parameters so that we can understand things.  Joel goes on to say that "we don't know all the answer, and nor do we need to."  We need to create a new file drawer in our head...one that is labeled "I don't know why".  That one is missing because we always try to create an answer for everything and justify things at the moment so that we can process it for ourselves and thus move on.

But sometimes things just don't compute.

And so we stew, and we think, and we analyze, and we play the tape in our heads over and over and over again....looking for that one clue....that one piece of information....that one hint....that we can say "Aha!!....That's why that happened."

But are we ever really satisfied with that answer...or non-answer?  I know I generally am not, and thus begins the cycle of driving myself insane, and spiraling into depression, anger, frustration, and everything else negative that I tend to blog about.

When God just put a period on that chapter.

And then we turn the page, and a new chapter is about to begin.

I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to this, maybe even more so.  For whatever reason, I was created to over think things to death.  Even though I don't like to shoehorn myself into the stigma of being a pessimist, I do indeed tend to look at the glass as 'half empty'.

And who am I to question the Creator who knows everything where I no just a fraction of nothing?

I need to learn to "Let Go."  All this thinking and worrying and making up answers in my head, is just what I alluded to yesterday...it all amounts to nothing, because I don't know the final answer nor do I have all the information.  And maybe God just wants me to accept His period on it, move on, and not try to put my question mark at the end.  The more I question things looking for an answer, the longer I wait before I can turn the page and start a new chapter, the chapter He is going to write for me.

It's me about getting over that mental hurdle and convincing myself I will be okay.  You know that.  My friends know that.  My family knows that.  God knows that.  I just need to accept it and own it myself.  That's the trick.

Once I have done that, I can move on.

Uptight

I should be more relaxed today, but I'm not.

I had a pretty decent weekend.  Saturday I spent the day with a group of friends at a BBQ festival and got sun-burned.  So bad in fact I think I gave myself a mild case of sun-stroke as by the time I got home I was physically ill with such a migraine headache that I had to take an ice cold shower, eat aspirin like PEZ, put a cold compress on my forehead, and turn all the lights off in my house.

Sunday I met my parents for breakfast, listened to a Joel Osteen sermon on "God Closing Doors" (how apropos for me), and hung out with some new church friends.

All in all , the weekend was full of activity, but I couldn't shake that irritating 'pebble in the shoe' feeling that my wife made a surprise visit to town.  As much as I wanted to relax, get my mind off things, enjoy what God has to offer, I was slightly robbed of my joy.  The thing is, is that I recognize this for what it is, and yet still can't shake it.

The knowledge of her surprise arrival came late Wed afternoon as my lawyer contact me and shared with me a letter that he received from her attorney making wild allegations and that she 'demanded' a house visit on Thursday (my day off and no prior notice) and if I didn't grant it she would hold me in contempt and file a restraining order and sanctions against me.

You can imagine my utter shock when I read this, and my heart just sank.  Here, all this time, I've been minding my own business and I'm threatened with a Restraining Order? 

The following allegations were made against me:

1. I was denying her access to a community home.  FACT: I have a Grant Deed that shows I am the sole owner of said property, and the fact my wife has never called once to request that she come over.  This was all new to me.
2. I was denying her access to her mail.  FACT: Not only has the nosey neighbor came down and collected mail from me in mid-May, I actually handed my wife her mail the last time I physically saw her on May 19th.  I haven't seen her since to give her any mail, nor has she requested any.  Also the fact is that she can go to the USPS office and get a change of address form, request mail forwarded to her new address, or contact her billing agencies and make changes the last 2.5 months is beyond me.  I am not denying her access to her mail, she simply hasn't claimed it or made any effort to retrieve and everyone knows this, so unsure how she came to this conclusion.
3. I was denying her access to personal belongings.  WHAT? FACT:  I actually packed up her stuff in boxes with tissues paper and put them out on the porch for her to collect, not once, but twice while she was in town and she refused to take them.  When I last saw her on May 19th, I told her "Take your stuff" and she flatly refused saying she would make arrangements at a later date.
4. She had a right to the house as she was still paying utility bills.  FACT: In the 2.5 months she has been gone I received $100 for the water bill, and $100 for the cable bill (which was late to begin with before she even left).  Every other bill I have paid.  So the idea of generously giving me $200 for invoices that were late to begin with over a 2.5 month period while I have paid for EVERYTHING else constitutes the idea she has privileges to the house is beyond me.

So of course my lawyer and I had a conversation that evening.  In return he fired off a letter to her attorney refuting her charges and denying her access to the house.  While that should have made me feel better, the truth is it didn't.  All my wife had to do was to ask for her mail and I would have set it out on the porch.  If she wanted her stuff, she could have just let me know and once again I would have placed it outside..  But now I received threats of sanctions.  And of course this whole email exchange probably cost each of us $200 for no reason.  $200 that each of us probably didn't need to spend. 

The upside is that my lawyer seems to be letting her know this is not the way to approach things.  That initial threats is not the way to go about this, but offering up a solution, compromise that we can agree on is better for both parties.  I totally agree.  I now feel as if my ex is making this combative which it doesn't need to be by stirring the pot, making exaggerated claims, and making sure we piss away money for no reason.  He also said it was ludicrous to make a last minute announcement that she would show up with 24 hour notice only during a work week and made demands that no one be there.  He insisted that a neutral third party be present to document things taken and the arrangements had to be on a weekend so I don't have to take off of work (BTW: she still has no job).

Of course the thought of my wife showing up anyway on the street ruined my day off and the rest of the week.  The good news is that on Thursday I was able to take my dog to the vet, clean some house, go to the gym, see the doctor, catch up on some TV...but my nerves were already shot.  I felt as I had to keep looking over my shoulder to see if she was stalking me, or going to pound on the door with a  sheriff or something else.

Because my nerves were shot, I had a mild breakdown at the Dr.'s office.  As hard as I tried to reign it in, I began to cry.  I was truly embarrassed and so hard on myself for my inability to let go and move on.  The Dr. prescribed me more Citropram (Lexapro), and a stronger dosage of anxiety medication.

My parents were a little concerned with me, and I had a few people pray for me, but I didn't go into a lot of detail.  I also made the unpleasant decision to cull 2 more mutual friends of ours from Facebook as I'm positive they are telling my wife my actions.  It's no coincidence to me that she came down the same weekend she knew I was going to be at the BBQ festival.

Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery.  While I was happy to attend, and I did get some peace for 2.5 hours, I still have my moments where I sit back and just have to say "What has your life come to?"  This is such bullshit.  It's hard for me not to get angry, frustrated, defensive, depressed....when I keep thinking I'm the one playing by the rules, trying to be level-headed, responsible, etc.  Deep down I know I am taking the high road and trying to show everyone on the outside that I will persevere, that I am being the rationale one....but it is soooo hard.  At times I feel like I am indeed living a dual identity...a pleasant facade on the outside, while burning rage on the inside.  And don't think I am not aware this is a battle I'm fighting in a spiritual sense....my Christian side versus the Enemy trying to kick me in the groin everyday.

I know this is a long post, but I haven't said anything in about 5 days or so.

An anniversary of a different sort

Tomorrow is my 5 year anniversary at my most recent job. 

It's a love/hate relationship, someday I dread it, but other days it has been both my savior financially and mentally.  It has afforded me to pay for my car, my house, starting a new 401K savings.  It has also afforded me some semblance of sanity in a tough economy where I myself was let go from a 10 year old job about 6.5 years ago.

Overall I truly do have mixed emotions and feelings about it.  On one hand, it isn't my dream job.  I feel like I've been held back at times, overall company morale is at an all time low this past year with many of our perks disappearing due to budget cuts.   As a matter of fact, even though it is a 5 year anniversary, there are no plans with my department.  Looks like the lunch got cut.  Maybe I'll bring in some donuts for everyone...on me.

On the flip side with so many people out of work, and my state in particular with close to 12% unemployment, I'm constantly reminding myself to thank the Lord for everything he has provided for me thus far.

Yeah, I get some "icky" grunt-work from time to time.....well....a lot of the time more recently, but then again beggars can't be choosers.  I wish I worked slightly closer to home, but all-in-all the hour round trip commute could be worse.  Many of my fellow employees drive much further.

So what do I have planned for my Thursday off?  Chores!  I have a Dr. visit in the morning, followed by taking my pup in for his annual checkup.  I then need to go to the car dealership and get a spare bulb to replace my burnt out rear blinker/brake light.  Then it's all about filling out legal paperwork so I can turn that in on Friday to my lawyer.  And if I have some spare time, maybe work on my friends testimony that she asked me to help her re-write it.

Ah...the life of a 42 year old bachelor.  That's okay....I've been taking care of all this stuff by myself for years anyway.

A Gathering of Info

"Then Saul said to Samuel, “ I have sinned; I have indeed transgressed the command of the Lord and your words, because I feared the people and listened to their voice." (1 Samuel 15:24)

I heard this yesterday while watching Joel Osteen on TV and it really struck a chord with me.  How many times does God give us a command, or lesson, or advice, or whatever.....and we do what is pleasing to mankind instead, because we want to be accepted and liked by everyone in our personal circles?

I'm guilty of this, and in the end no matter how many people your try and please, you always end up making someone mad.  As the saying goes "You can't please everyone."  Yes, so if we know that, why then don't we please the Lord first?  In the end, no one else grants me permission into heaven except Him.  He shows me ultimate mercy and foregivness, while people do not.  I am solely responsible to Him at the end of the day, not my neighbors, not my friends, not my family.

So why?  Because we want to please others.  We want others to like us.  To accept us.  To continue to call us and ask us to hang out with them.  But really, is this the best course of action.  In some cases...it is not.  We put the acceptance of others before the acceptance of God.

Anyway, just something to ponder.

This weekend was upbeat for me.  I actually got a lot done and was productive and was still able to find the time for enough fun, and the result: I didn't think about my wife once.  I went to the gym both days, walked my dog, had an afternoon with friends, went out to eat, grocery, laundry, clean, games, etc.  Men's group on Saturday.  All in all it was an above average weekend.

But today, I'm back to business.  I feel prepared now to fill out my financials for my lawyer.  Earlier today I spent some time making digital copies of all my CC statements, utility bills, pay stubs, mortgage statement, insurance doucments, and the like....all so that I can promptly fill out (to the best of my ability) everything this week.

I think my wife will be shocked to learn how well I have everything documented....right down to the check number and date thinsg were mailed.  My wife takes horrible records and misplaces all this kind of stuff, so hopefully it will be difficult for her to assemble any counter documents.  And even if she did, hers will show late payments, missed payments, and the like.

Sure, I might have one or two pieces missing...but it's just a matter of time before I can get copies or next months statements to make my case even more accurate.  I hope that if I can get this prepared by Thursday, I will drop them off on Friday for his review, and then we can move onto the next phase next week. 

In the meantime...wife still has no job.  So she's been at her new location for 9-10 weeks now, and nothing.  Well, unless you count all the late fees and penalties she's currently wracking up for the stuff in her name.  I will be genuinely surprised if she doesn't declare personal bankruptcy in the coming months at this rate.  I just don't see how she can dig herself out unless her parents come to her aid, but I don't think that is going to happen any time soon.  Her sister did tell me though that her Facebook pictures show her this past weekend hanging out drinking some monster margaritas.  Her sister is just fuming mad at her....how she can be so stupid.

Oh well.

June 1, 2012

Catchy title don't you think?

Nothing exciting to talk about.  No major plans for the weekend.  I'll be going out to pizza for lunch with a few coworkers today, my pops walked my dog this morning, and after work I'm meeting a friend for a drink, but it will be an early night.

I'll have just enough time to go home, change into something comfortable, and rush down and meet a friend for all of 2 hours for a drink and catching up before I come home to a once again empty house.  Probably just catch up on some TV.

I'll be going to my men's group tomorrow morning, and the rest of the day I have nothing but time.  I'll probably vacuum and mop, go to the gym, and work on a model.  Yup no plans.

Same for Sunday.  Church.  Maybe some gym, lay out in the sun again (but be more careful this time), but nothing exciting.

I will have to work on my legal papers this weekend.  I'm not looking forward to that.  I have to put in some preliminary financial numbers for my lawyer to get the ball rolling.  Sucks.  It's not a lot of work, but I have to make sure I'm as accurate as possible.  This will dictate how much my wife *may* be entitled to for the next four years even though she's done nothing in return.  I think that's the part that gets my goat....

Still a little bitter today...and angry...just have to 'not worry' as God commands.  His will be done.

The 80's...a simpler time

Flock of Seagulls

I love Pandora on my android phone.  I also invested in some mid-level noise canceling headphones a few months back from eBay which allow me to listen to audiobooks, podcasts, and streaming music through my smart phone all while drowning out my coworkers.

Sometimes, like today, I can lose myself in the music I grew up with in the 80's.   My friend told me about a station called "Haircut 100" which plays all the alternative rock, ska, new-wave, and pop-rock of that decade including artists like David Bowie, Depeche Mode, Madness, The Fixx, Big Country, Flock of Seagulls, and the like.

It's fascinating to me how the brain associates memories with certain stimuli from our senses.  Over the years various smells have brought back vivid memories for me, transporting me back in time.  I can almost picture with perfect clarity events as they unfold as if they just happened moments ago.

The same tends to happen with me and music.  Certain songs, whence I hear them put me right back into High School.  I can remeber driving in my car with friends, dates, hanging out at the beach, and even emotions.  Yes, certain songs bring back deep seeded emotions that fill my being such as love, excitement, anticipation...and even the bad ones: sadness, loss, frustration, etc.

But today most of the songs I'm listening to I have favorable memory associations with, and wish I could be 16, 17, 18 years old all over agin.  Ah, to have those problems as opposed to the mind numbing ones we experience as we get older.

A time where I was in fact concerned about styling my hair, which clothes I was wearing, and what tape cassettes I had in my car.  Where the biggest financial concern I had was if I could get a $4.50 movie ticket after filling my $20 gas tank.

Lord I miss those days, but I have my music that I can relive those happier times in 3-4 minutes chunks of time.

Burnt out...literally

So another 3 day holiday weekend came and went and despite just hanging out at my house yesterday I am exhausted!

Friday, I went ahead and skipped Celebrate Recovery.  I just stayed home and watched TV.  A friend texted me, and I just ignored it...I didn't want to head out anywhere after 9pm.  And I'm still actively segregating myself from some of my neighbors....putting some distance between me and them after last weeks wifely visit.

I also skipped my men's group on Saturday morning at 6:15.  Instead, I did chores about the house.  I walked my dog, went to the grocery store, and bombed my legs at the gym.  I bombed them so hard, that I'm actually having trouble walking the last few days since. My quads, glutes, and hamstrings are indeed that sore.  Iwas hoping to go to the gym all three days.  Instead, I made it only the once.

Saturday was a blur.  I attended a BBQ in the afternoon that I was invited to by a friend at my church.  While it was a nice gesture, I could only stay for about 2 hours.  The other issue was that I was the youngest person their by at least 10, if not more years,  I think the majority of the people there were retired and even though I knew many of them, I still felt out of place and out of time.  I'll be honest and admit it did sting a bit when I came home alone (and to not spend money) and then learn that my wife went to a concert that evening in Vegas with some mutual friends...whooping it up and having a good time.  Money should not be my 'god', but I was a little side-tracked on wondering how she paid for it.

Sunday evening I hosted my BBQ, and it was a blast.  It started right around 5pm, and most everyone left by 9:30pm.  The last few hung around until about 11pm, and the uncomfortable questions about my marriage and the status of my wife were brought up.  I figured it was inevitable, but still, I don't really enjoy getting into deep discussions face to face with my friends.  Even though they are my friends and support me, I find some of their advice and antedotes a little too secular for my tastes.  I also don't like revealing major details like I do here.  It's unsettling to me, and even though I'm sure none of them do...I can't help but feel a tinge of my own paranoia and feel like I failed.  Many of them have told me in the past they always consider me a leader

I really tried to limit the discussion as such: 1) We tried a professional intervention for alcohol abuse and it backfired.  2) She got mad and defiant and thus left me and my daughter and wrote off the family.  3) She's been gone since mid-March and shows no signs of effort to try and reconcile with me or anyone.  4) She's still unemployed as far as I know and is leaving me to pay the bills., And finally 5) There are now lawyers involved.

I try not to get into the nitty-gritty details and when they press further, I sense myself deflecting.  I don't exagerate the issues/problems and I tell everyone I am no saint either, but at the end of the day, the simple fact remains and cannot be changed: I (we) tried, she didn't.  I told them I have my days....some 'okay', some 'not-so'.

Yesterday (Monday) was a strange day for me.  In the past, my whole street usually gets together for a BBQ or chat in the afternoon.  At least it's been that way the previous 7 years.  Yesterday it was dead silent.  To keep myself amused, I watched some TV, followed by starting a new train model, then walked my pup.  I laid out in the backyard for only 30 minutes, and this white boy got burnt!  I can't believe how white I am, and that my brief encounter with the sun left me red after only 30 minutes!  And I was also tired.  Even though I got up to feed my dog at 6am, I went back to sleep and never got up until 9am.  The whole day was me feeling like I was moving in slow motion and even thought about taking an extra day off to recharge my batteries.  It was obvious that having 3 days off only accomplished the fact of pointing out my body and mind is indeed that damn tired.

Then other things entered my mind again.  The things I wish to avoid, but can't.  Perhaps it was all the questions from the day before, or because the neighborhood was too quiet, or the fact I noticed that I didn't spend anytime with either side of my family....Anyway, the feelings of anger and resentment started to re-surface (and I have been reassured by many that this will happen over and over for some time).  I know I won't have any closure until all is said and done some time down the road, but at times my mind just churns over and over like a storm still wondering what God has in store for all of us, and what the plan was from day one some 9 years ago.

I realized I have yet to forgive myself and even though I thought I did, apparently I haven't.  I'm trying to rationalize and come to terms as to why I feel so strongly about marriage vows and somehow I should seen this years ago more crystal clear and have prepared for it.  It's not like people didn't warn me.  There are days now that I think I am more "in love" with my vows and the institution of marriage than I was with my own wife, or even myself.  I wanted it to work so damn badly...I did not want to fail. Not fail myself, not fail in front of my friends, not fail my family (or hers), not fail in front of God.  And yet, somehow fail it did.

Legal Eagle

Yay!  Just in time for the three day Memorial Day holiday, my lawyer finally said he received a response in the mail today from my wife's lawyer. *Sigh*

I know this really isn't a surprise to me because she told me she had met with an attorney last week....It's just that I saw the 3 page legal .PDF that my attorney sent to me today for the first time.  Something I could print out and hold in my hands.

It's pretty straight forward as far as legal documents go and what I should have expected.  Revert her name back to her maiden name (fine).  Dissolution due to irreconcilable differences (fine).  Division of common assets (fine).  As a matter of fact she can have most of her crap anyways...I'll be happy to pack it up for her.  Request for spousal support.......(Dammit....not fine!).

Amazing, but probably suggested by default by her attorney.  So I may be in for a small fight on this one. 

So let me get this straight.  When I was out of work a few years ago, I looked every day for a new job and even took a pay cut and worked as a temp contractor to make sure the bills were paid and we were both taken care of.  She lost her job 13 months ago, and has done very little to rectify that.  She hasn't gone back to school, read any books, took any courses at the local community college.  She turned down jobs that were 'beneath' her, and spent her government money on alcohol and bowling.  We even went without insurance until I could sign up for mine in January.

I am covering one of her credit cards, paid ALL the taxes, paying for her health insurance, her auto club card, making sacrifices left and right and in the middle....while she continues to 'F' around, drive all over, attend parties, continue to bowl, check into casino's, go to concerts....and she wants me to give her spousal support?

The key is to get this down to as little as possible.  It kills me that she up and left (you've heard it all before) and she wants me to pay her.  Why does the responsible one, the one that offered treatment, the one that suffered countless days, weeks, months on whether she'd get home in one piece or not, the one that cried and went to Alanon meetings, that prayed his arse off, that has his head screwed on straight  finanically, who begged for marital counseling, who already gave up so much for so little in return, who forgave and forgave and forgave and was treated like crap expected to pay?  Why does the fuck-up get to continue to party and fuck around and I don't?  This system is so ass backwards.

Well, even if I have to pay alimony, it's only for 4 years (1/2 the time of the marriage) max.

I'm going to try my hardest not to let this ruin my weekend.  I have a BBQ to go to on Sunday, but I don't think I'm going to Celebrate tonight.  My friend invited me, but I think tonight after work I'm going to get my haircut, maybe go to the grocery store, order a pizza, and stay in and play a video game on my Xbox.  No reason to drink alone.  No reason to spend money I don't have.  No reason to do something stupid.

All I can do is continue to pray for her.  That even though she's insane and making sure she gives me a hard time, I can't let her gain power over me anylonger and dominate my weekend and my life.

Crazy is as Crazy does.

What a night.

At approx. 8:10pm my cell phone rang.  It was my wife.

I made the mistake of answering, thinking she may want to have a civil conversation with me.  It took all of 15 seconds for her to ask "Who was the strange woman going into 'OUR' house on Sunday morning at 7am?"

It took me a second to think back, because it was now Wed. evening, and I was caught of guard by the question, and what even prompted it.

"It was Darla (not her real name), my grammar school friend who has been over to 'My' house numerous times.  You've met her before AND her fiance.  You know...the guy you actually used to see in your Monday night bowling league. 

And besides, it wasn't 7am, it was after 8am, and we had a cup of coffee at Starbucks before she went to church.  She came over to drop something off.  So glad to know that the neighbors....who again, don't want to be in the middle of this, let you know within minutes that a mutual friend of 'ours' came over."

She responded, "Well, how do you think that looks to me?  Doesn't that seem a bit odd she's over so early?"

"Makes you look paranoid.  Besides, I invited her over and what do you care who is over and when since you don't live here?"

I didn't like what she was insinuating and told her "Fine...Think whatever you want too, and tell whatever neighbor who felt the need to call you, "Good job, they ratted out our own mutual friend.  You can call Darla yourself."

She started to raise her voice at me, and begin to press the point.  I cut her off mid-sentence "Uh...yeah.  I'm about to watch the season finale of Modern Family.  I'm going to hang up now."  And she started with her accusations again...so I hung up.  Yup, I just hung up.

She called the house phone again 3x times in rapid succession.  Each time, I picked up the phone, and hung it right back up.  At the 4th time she called, I allowed it to go to the answering machine, in which I heard her call me 'childish' and then actually threatened me something to the effect of "It would behoove you to pick up the phone and speak to me if you know what's good for you.  It's not a good idea for you to hang up on me."

Whatever.  I then pulled the cord out of the wall for the rest of the night.

Then my cell phone rang, and rang, and rang.  I never picked those up either.

Then the ALL CAPS TEXT MESSAGES STARTED, until I turned off my cell phone.

Screw you...You call me up and want to pick a fight and insinuate that I'm now having an affair with my engaged childhood friend because some nosey-Nelly on the street saw her for all of 10 minutes before she went to church? 

You called 4 times on the house phone, 3 times on my cell phone, and then start texting me...all within 10 minutes, throwing out nonsense and idle-threats and I'm the one being childish???  You're nuts and clearly more troubled than I originally thought.

No, it pisses you off now that you no longer have ANY POWER over me, and I CHOOSE not to be your door mat anymore.  That I can now have the balls to just end a conversation with you because it's unproductive, stupid, silly, and you only want to bait me into saying something that I will regret and you can hold over my head.

Nope. 

Done.

I actually went to bed last night and fell asleep.  This time, I realized that her words are no longer keeping me up at night.  That I'm not worried about what she thinks or says (at least last night I didn't).  I can't deal with irrational people.

I have a suspicision she'll be making a drive down to the house this fine Memorial Day weekend.

Hump Day 5.23.12

Not much to report today.

Still haven't heard from either my wife or my lawyer, although another CC collector called last night and I was happy to give them my wife's cell phone number and tell them "good luck", and "she doesn't live here anymore so you can stop calling here."  I rounded off the night watching season finale of 'Glee' and a some shows I had taped on my DVR.

My father came over this morning just as I was leaving to take my pup for a walk and stay with him as he got his first mobile grooming in about 6 weeks.  He really needed it.  My father called me when he was all done and says my little guy looks great.  I'm happy to know he wasn't alone all day again and had a good few hours with his 'grampie'.

I'm a few days behind in my daily devotionals.  Still need to read at least two a day for the next few days to catch up.

Started cleaning my backyard up yesterday.  I'll be hosting my first BBQ for my friends since everything went down this Sunday.  So I started to pull a few weeds, sweep up a bit, clean, but I'll do more of it on Saturday.  Noticed a few of my seat cushions need to be replaced.  The elements have not been kind to a few chairs I got, but they were cheap one's I bought at Bed Bath & Beyond about 3 years ago.  The cushions disintegrated. It'll be nice to have my friends over at my house and not have to worry about going to work the next day.  Won't be big, maybe a total of 10 people.  I may relax enough to even sip on a good whisky....something I haven't done in weeks!

I also said I was invited to a BBQ this weekend as well, so I'll be doing that too.  Probably get a haircut on Saturday and plan on still hitting the gym.

I mentioned I joined a few new social clubs that are supposedly in my area, but after looking at their respective upcoming events...they all seem to be an hour away, or at inconvenient times.  To be honest, I also looked at the local mega-church's "singles" program...but they have a caveat...you need to be officially divorced before you can join.  Poop.  And my church doesn't really have a singles group, especially for my age group.  Too soon?

Other than that, work is work, and I get paid tomorrow which will be a relief.  I am also supposed to get a small surprise bonus as well...I don't know how much, but anything at this point is good after this past month.

That's it for now.

1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back.

So I was in utter surprise last Friday when I drove around the corner to my house after a long day at work and then working out at the gym, to see my wife's car parked down the street at the neighbors house.

Well, so much for the neighbors keeping their eyes open and giving me a heads up.  It appears to have done me no good to give many of them my business card with my cellphone number and request they contact me if she were to show up.  Nobody did, and the bummer is when I finally asked one of my neighbors how long she was down, "Oh, a few hours."  A few hours?  Hey, thanks again!

My wife wanted her mail.  The uncollected mail from 2 months.  But why now?  She had 8 weeks to get a change of address form from the Post Office, or to contact each one of these various entities separately and have her mail redirected.  Why the sudden push?

Somethings up.

Oh, and she pulled out $10K from her IRA account a week back.  Oh no....she didn't. 

She did.

Arrrgghhh.

Of all the times in 8+ years of marriage where her irresponsibility reigned supreme, where her non-chalant laise-faire attitude and inaction have caused many a check to bounce, late fees to accrue, numerous coverage lapses occur....of course now she decides to hire her own lawyer in response to me serving papers last month.  With only 2 business days to spare out of the timed 30, she gets her arse in gear and now shows up to the ball game.  Are you kidding me?

With some anger/resentment/frustration...and fear, I took all the boxes I had packed up for her previously and placed them back on the porch.  I then left the house and went to Celebrate Recovery.  I'll be damned if she corners me on a Friday night.

And of course she calls me at 7:30 and demands I put her stuff back in the house.  I tell her to take it.  If she can grab the mail, then she can grab her boxes.

She says she doesn't have any room.

I tell her that I saw her car and it is empty, and she does have room, and she can take her stuff.

She pleads with me that she has nowhere to put it right now, that she needs to make arrangements.  I'm mad, because as usual, she does nothing...but being the nice guy I am (or a fool) I tell her that when I get back home I will put it in the garage (I will actually wait until Saturday morning to do so) as I'm trying not to let her get to me and enjoy my time at Celebrate.

At Celebrate, during our "open share" time, I feel empowered.  I speak my fully allotted 5 minutes, and go slightly over.  This time I did not cry, I did not shrink, I did not falter.  I came home, took a shower and went to bed....and noted that the neighbor who doesn't want to be involved allowed my wife to sleep over at her house. 

On Saturday my wife texts me that she wants to go out with me that night, and actually used the term 'date'.  I said, "No...I have plans this evening, but I have some more mail for you that came today."  She then asked me to meet her at 1pm, and I agreed, but I made it clear, I'm out at 3:30pm...and I was.

I met her, at a bar (no joke) she suggested, but noted that she was only drinking sparkling water.  For show?  Most likely.  I also noted she looked a little worn, and dare I say, put on a few extra pounds as well.  Where I have been losing weight and sleep over all this, she dragged on her cigarettes (one after another...a nasty habit I always hated) and looked...heavier.

She asked me if I still wanted a divorce....I responded by saying that I wasn't going to wait around forever, that her behavior was unacceptable, that she shows no effort, that bills are unpaid.  What choice do I have?  She said she didn't want a divorce, wanted to know if we could start over...to sweep the past 8 years under the rug and never bring it up again. 

Uh..no....things don't magically disappear because one person decides she can snap her fingers and 'pretend' it didn't happen.  I told her "actions speak louder than words" (a mantra of her own she uses over and over again).  I told her she needs to repair her relationship with her family, her daughter, my parents, and show me that she's in some type of program.  That I am not agreeing to anything just so 3, 6, 9 months down the road she wants another 'break', or dredges up the past.  Nope.  Not happening.  I'm not blinking first this time.  I noticed she never said she loved me, never said she was going to give me money, never apologized for her actions.  All I heard was excuses, and manipulation to buy herself more time.

I told her she only puts herself first...never goes to church with me, comes and goes as she pleases, talks disrespectful to my family and hers, treats her daughter as a second class citizen, and I'm not standing for it anymore. 

I didn't cry.  I didn't budge.  But she eventually cried.

I told her that I am in therapy with my own shrink.  That I read books and listen to audio programs.  That I pray daily.  That I go to a men's support group on Saturday mornings, been to Alanon, and just got by 30 day chip from Celebrate. 

She couldn't even tell me the name of her therapist, which makes me believe that there isn't any.

She asked where do we go from here?  I said the ball is in her court, and that I needed to leave....which I did.  She hugged me and didn't let go.  I only half-hearted returned her embrace.  I was starting to feel uncomfortable, and needed to leave strong, and show her she has no power over me anymore.  Truth be told, if I stayed too much longer, I may have started to crack.

Me on the right.

I went to a BBQ that evening, and had a blast (a rare picture of me).  It was only when I was driving home that she texted me and thanked me for meeting her, and that she said I looked really good.  I only replied "Thanks and you're welcome.  I will be driving home soon."  She replied one last time "Drive safe."  That was Saturday night at 11pm.

Today is Tuesday, 1pm, and I haven't heard from her since.  Or from my lawyer, but I suspect any day now I will.

Sunday I went to another BBQ at yet a different friends house, and I got invited to yet another one this upcoming Sunday.

My divorced friend started her new job yesterday.  She still found the time to write me a letter at lunch, and again last night.  I told her that my wife responded to my papers.  She said she thought she would...because my wife still has no job and wants a piece of my paycheck.  That she's becoming aware that I was her security, and now she doesn't have any, so of course she wants my alimony check.  She went on to describe the financial heartbreak she went through with her ex-husband.  How he made promises he never kept and forced her to use her 401K money, pay penalties, etc to keep their head above water, and once they divorced, he never replaced any funds and only gave her a mere pittance to survive until she got this new job and basically starting over at 42 herself.

I was 'okay' the last few days, until this morning when I checked my online banking statement.  In all my life, I never had an issue with money.  I have always been financially responsible.  But it's a good thing I get paid this Thursday.  My account is pretty bleak.  This past month I wrote some very hefty checks, and doubled up on utilities my wife never paid to boot.  She basically drained me this last month, by doing nothing.  I didn't give her a penny, but I had to cover so many things.

Last nights dinner was Cheerios.  Today's lunch was a $2 frozen meal (no breakfast).  Tonight I'm thinking a can of soup.  And people wonder why I'm losing weight?  Well, it's pretty hard to keep full when you have no money because lawyers, tax collectors, utilities, and the government takes it all within 4 weeks of each other.

(Today's post felt like a rant...but it also felt good).

Headache

I awoke to a minor headache this morning.  I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I accidentally found out that my wife made the four hour plus trek down on Wed. night under the radar and stayed with a friend in a neighboring city so she could attend a night on the town.

Not sure if it was a party, or a birthday dinner, or girls night out, or whatever.  I suppose it really doesn't matter.  The fact is she came down and for someone who claims to "Miss me" and "doesn't want a divorce" once again proved to me (this should be ingrained in my head by now, but somehow isn't) where her priorities are.

It's clearly not reconcilation.  Not with me.  Not her sister.  Not her mother.  Not her daughter.

I spoke with them last night.  None of them knew she was down here.  As a matter a fact my daughter told me that her mother and her had a falling out earlier in the week and now they aren't talking to each other.

So the pattern of destruction continues.

Do you know how many times over the course of my marriage I heard her say "Actions speak louder than words."?

Well her actions/inactions (I've used this analogy before) scream to me, but I'm sure sound like muffled giggles to her friends who continue to embrace and coddle her.  "Oh, you're misunderstood." "Your whole family turned their backs on you.  Here have a drink."

I need to write these people off myself.  Why I haven't yet, I don't know.  It's probably because I can secretly keep tabs on my wife whereabouts like what happened yesterday."

No wonder she is demanding her mail be delivered to the neighbor and pressed me on it this week.  She knew she was going to be here. 

So once again this morning, I took all her boxes and put them on the porch....just in case she drives by the house today, she will know that I know she's in town.  I also did not deliver the mail to the neighbor, nor am I.  If she can drive all the way to the area and spend the night at her girlfriends, then she can be a "big girl" and come to the house and grab her crap without involving anyone else.

I am nervous though that the money she pulled out last week from her IRA, and the fact she is down here may mean she is trying to find a lawyer at the 11th hour.  She has today and Monday to respond to my papers, so of course I have paranoia and these are going to be the longest two days.

I awoke once at 2:30 this morning, and although I did eventually fall back asleep it was restless and light.  I never got a good night rest after that.  Spoke with my father this morning.  He is going to walk my dog and spend a little extra time at my house today just in case.

I have a personal therapy session today at 4pm.  I need it today.  I know people are praying for me, and that I have support from various people, but I still feel like I am doing this on my own.  This week I have felt very alone.  I feel like I am in this battle I don't want to be in and there are a lot of spectators cheering me on from the nose bleed section of seats, unable to physically reach out and hand me the proper tools or stand next to me.  I get a few "Atta-boys", but words and hand claps don't really have a tangible affect with me.

Took an aspirin about 1/2 hour ago.  Even had a bowl of oatmeal and two cups of coffee, but I still have a headache.

A New Dawn

Hopefully yesterday was just a fluke.

Lord, I hope so.

Afterwork I met my mother for dinner near where I live and she knew I was slightly upset.  While we sat with our meal, I explained everything that happened the evening before: The texts, the messages, the nightmare, the news about my divorced friend. All of it.

She didn't really have anything new to say other than she had recently spoken to both my grandfather and my aunt, and supposedly both of them think I am much better off.  They secretly had reservations about my wife for a long time.  I can't help but sarcastically chuckle inside: "Am I the only person that didn't notice things were wrong?"

During our dinner, I received one text from my wife (the only one I received all evening) requesting that at the very least I find her cosmotology license renewal and bring it to the neighbor by today.  The fact is, I don't have it.  I checked all the mail.  It isn't there.  I double checked.  It isn't there.  She will have to contact them herself and request a follow up and say it got lost in the mail or something, but I'm sure she'll blame me later today when I have to write her I don't have it.

Before I had dinner with my mother, I spoke with my lawyer for the first time since my wife was served, almost 30 days ago.  We had at most a 10 minute call and got straight down to business, as I wrote my questions out ahead of time so that I would remember them and not get off topic:

1. As far as my lawyer knows, as of yesterday afternoon, my wife has not hired her own attorney nor contacted him.  I assume because she can't afford one, but she did deplete her IRA account last week of another $10K (and a hefty penalty for withdrawl), leaving approx $25K left to her name.  This is good news for me on the surface, but anything could happen over the course of the next 3 bsuiness days.
2. I am under no obligation to deliver her mail to anyone.  My lawyer even suggested I don't, especially to the neighbor who in the past has been verbally hostile.  My lawyer agreed with me that she has had every opportunity to contact the USPS and request a change of address form, or contact her debtors individually to make address changes.  Because she chose to leave on her own accord, she is responsible for her own transactions, not me.  It's not that I want to be an ass, I really don't.  It's also not hard for me to walk to the neighbors and hand over her mail.  But the fact is: A) I don't want to, B) I am not required to, C) And why am I helping her out again when she isn't helping me?
3. Because we are still technically married, I have every right to open any financial mail of hers, including invoices, bank statements, and the like.  Personal letters, no.  But anything else, even if it is in her name is fair game, and my lawyer suggested I make photocopies of everything: every bill she is delinquent on, every fine she accrues, every amount she withdrawls from the bank.  I suppose this is so that just in case, we can show the judge I am not responsible for any of this, that her continued irresponsibility is to blame.
4. If she continues to send me hostile emails, texts, or voice messages...ignore them all.  Do not respond, but if they get out of hand or escalate to direct her to speak to him.

I felt much better after talking to him.  It takes some pressure of my mind in knowing that I am still doing things legally within my rights as she continues to screw the pooch.  He also indicated that my impending divorce may move on teh fast track and be over sooner rather than later.

Onto other things:

I still feel lonely, but I did sleep fine last night.  As a matter of fact I went to bed at 9:30 last night, and probably fell asleep by 9:45.  I did have one dream early this morning that I remember though: It was my neighbors telling me they saw my wife's car down the street again letting me know she's in town....then I woke up.

I have a BBQ to go to both on Saturday and again on Sunday with different friends, and I am meeting a friend early Sunday morning before church for coffee.  It'll fun, but the fact I am going solo isn't lost on me.

Finally my divorced friend texted me again last night around 8pm to see how I was holding up.  She said her ex-husband has calmed down a bit and may even feel bad about his over-reaction the night before, but she didn't indicate if he's going to allow her stay one extra month or not now.

I told her I was praying for her, for him, for me, for my wife...and I am.  She said thank you and said she was praying for me as well.

Then she sent me a text calling me "Sweetie", then a follow up correcting herself and used my given name.  I told her don't be embarrased, it's fine, and that is one of the reasons she makes me feel alive and special.  Her last text to me was: "You are alive, and you are special!"

It made me feel really good,...and confused.  Does she want to persue something with me someday or not?  But I had to remind myself that we are both emotionally volatile right now, and nothing...nothing can even begin to happen or develop until January.  And what if I meet someone else between now and then without all these complications.  Ugh...timing.