Changes and witnessing

For those that are stopping by and wondered what happened to the subdued green palette here before, I thought it was time for a little change.

I wanted a little color, something that was a little bit more upbeat. I like the fact that Blogger has some new picture inspired templates, and the background picture you see here was out of their stock section. Why this picture? Well, I love the southwest. I may not always enjoy 100+ degree temperatures, but I love the mystery and isolation of a beautiful desert. The way these barrel cactus's stand for 100+ years in complete solitude and weather the elements has some symbology buried somewhere in their about me.

There was another picture as well or a beautiful blue sky with billowy clouds that I liked as well, but this one won out...just barely.

Not sure if I'll keep the format as it stands right now. I may play with a few of the colors and fonts before I settle on a finalized look, so bare with me if you notice a few minor changes over the next few weeks.

Okay, back to the present.....I didn't do too much this weekend. We stayed in both Friday and Saturday nights which I guess is a good thing from a financial standpoint. It may not be good from a diet standpoint as neither one of us was in the mood to cook, so my wife ordered a pizza in which I only ate about 4 slices. I was also happy and surprised she took a rare interest in a video game I was playing. It's called 'Alan Wake' and it's a very unique, story-driven, game with interesting writing and very realistic graphics. Normally she's not into my games, but this one plays like a movie, and she got sucked in and was genuinely interested.

Saturday morning I went to my men's bible study, then the gym, then to the butcher to buy my hog casing and back fat to make sausage. When I was there, I met an interesting dude who was a bit salty in his language, but he invited me over to his house to give me some elk sausage he had flown in from Alaska. Now I know this sounds terribly weird and possibly dangerous and may raise a yellow flag with most people, but I just left the gym and I was looking big and this guy was older but he truly seemed authentic to me (though I did call my wife from cell phone....just in case). His place was only about 2 miles from the butcher shop and in a pretty public area so I agreed. I never stepped in his house and he was kind enough to bring me out a few pounds of sausage....gave me his card....and said in the coming weeks he'd be smoking some salmon (my favorite) and said he'd like for me to come back over and even bring my wife. We'll see, but so far he seems harmless enough. There may be an opportunity down the road to witness to him, but it just didn't feel right for me to bring it up, but through his conversation with me he offered up that he was divorced and despite his jovial demeanor towards me, I could sense some confusion and bitterness underneath.

Speaking of witnessing, I had a long lost cousin contact me yesterday. I won't go into all the details on what brought us to our first conversation in almost 7-8 years yesterday, but it seemed like a miracle to me. He's my second cousin, is quite a few years older than me (I believe he's in his late 50's), live is San Fransisco and gay.

I don't know exactly what happened in the past, nor do I want to know, nor is it my business, but parts of my family have written my parents (and by proxy...me) because we're Christian. I think in their mind they picture or stereotype all Christians as these right-wing fanatics who are intolerant and preach hate in regards to sexual identity.

I finally had the chance to set the record straight with him yesterday, and I could just tell he was so relieved and a great burden was lifted off his shoulders. I calmly told him that I was sorry he and others felt that way, but they never bothered to try and talk to me...to find out my viewpoints, my thoughts, my concerns, instead they let CNN and Al Franken define who I was instead.

I think he was surprised to learn my best friend in college was gay, that he stood in my wedding party. He was even more surprised to learn that I don't believe being gay is a one way ticket to hell.

Being a Christian is a relationship between you and God. We are not supposed to judge others, and the only way to heaven in through Him, not me, not politics, not a pastor, not tithing, and not just good works. I told him we'll be very surprised by who we see and who we don't see in heaven, that WE ALL fall short if only by the grace of God. No one is better than someone else, and there is no mention of sexuality in heaven. Sexuality is an issue here on earth and quite frankly I think once we die and are in heaven, sex in the 'carnal' sense no longer has any meaning. Of course I don't know this for fact, but there's nothing I've read in the new testament that describes husbands and wives and procreation in heaven.

I don't want this entry to be about gay versus straight. It's not. It's about a family member who carried around with him a lot of pent up frustration over the years on hear-say and came to false conclusions and separation based on perceived ideology...not actually talking to someone. I think after we spoke for nearly 40 minutes, he realized that my walk with Christ is not fire and brimstone. I told him Christ hung out with thieves, liars, prostitutes, the lowly of society....not the rich and pompous and elite do-gooders. I told him I have my own struggles...with depression and sin, and had thoughts of anger and bitterness as well, that just because I'm Christina, it didn't stop me from being human. I told him (not in great detail) of my struggles in marriage and that I still swear when I'm mad, and I still have drinks here and there.

It really opened his eyes and he promised to contact me again in the future. By no means am I a theologian, nor can I quote bible scripture of the top of my head, but looking back, all the events that led him to call me is nothing short of a blessing from God and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be open and not condemning.

Brief Check-in

A bit of a small entry today....basically I'm bored to death.

Our work is very slow this week. Calls are considerably down and a current re-re-review of our departmental budget has basically handcuffed my manager from making any progress whatsoever on any planned projects. Looks like we're all twiddling our thumbs which sucks because it makes for very long days. This is day number three in whcih we are all more or less staring at each other praying that the phone rings to give us something to do.

My wife told me she wants to play softball on Wed. nights now with a few of her friends at work. I really don't know how I feel about this. On one hand I look at it as just another night we're not together, her spending money we don't have, and possibly another excuse for her to have a drink mid-week now. The flip-side is I have the house to myself one extra night and not bothered where I could possibly work on my trains in peace, that she may be getting some exercise. To give her an ounce of credit, she did ask me if I wanted to play, but I think only really because they are desperate for people...I think as it stands they are short a few people for a whole team. And softball/baseball just isn't my thing.

My weigh-in this morning has me in at 225 on the nose, or down a total of 12 pounds. I can now tuck my shirt in my pants without trying to hide a little ponch, and now a few co-workers have noticed and said I look thinner in the face.

It is day two without my step-daughter, and I feel good. I did look in her vacant room today and noticed that even though I asked her a half a dozen times to make it spotless, and she promised me and assured me it would be....alas it's not. Clumps of 1/2 attempted piles of swept up debris in various spots. It's like she got distracted 1/2 way through, couldn't find a dustpan or the vacuum, so she just left it for us. It figures....and it's exactly what I expected and it pisses me off. I mentioned it to my wife this morning and she said "Well, it's as good as it gets for her." (Translation on how I understand it: Just another excuse and enablement from my wife to let her daughter do a half-assed job and no repercussions or responsibility.) This means I will clean it this weekend, if not tonight, and throw out anything left behind. I guess it makes me mad because I really feel my step-daughter took complete advantage of willingness to put her up when her dad kicked her out, and she has zero respect for me, my very lenient rules, and my house. No, I'm thinking I don't really miss her afterall and I will learn to relax more over time and feel comfortable in my own house. That room will be mine for my trains or storage....I don't care what my wife says.

Yeah, I sound a little cranky today. The last two nights I've been suffering some erratic sleep patterns and some disturbing dreams....bordering on full fledged nightmares. Anyway, I felt a little agitated this morning, slightly anxious, but nothing I can narrow it down to as the 'root' cause.

Still thinking about missing church this last weekend and feel guilty. However, unsure if the guilt is justified or not. Am I feeling guilty because I'm conditioned to believe that 2-3 hours a week are 'required' to be in God's grace, like it needs to be my works that grant me salvation, or, is my spirit really that hungry, and the restless sleep and nightmares a condition of the Enemy creeping in. And why do I analyze my personal theology and faith so much. I have OCD when it comes to my personal walk with Christ.

Knowing Christ and God and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be a blessing. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely under the microscope and that I am not worthy of Thier free gifts, and I'm trying to 'earn' my salvation. I know that's a big HUGE "No-No", but my mind gets the better of my heart more often than I would like to admit.

I think I may have to crack the New Testament later for some words of strength and encouragement.

Taking it Back - an update (part III)

It's been another 5 days since my last update and I have a hodge-podge of small blurbs regarding both my resolution and other thinsg in general:

Resolution wise (Taking it Back):

• I've lost approx 11 pounds in the last 22 days from hitting the gym, riding the bike, lifting weights, eating better, and cutting back on alcohol consumption. (Going tonight as a matter of fact)
• I've been actively trying to organize a 4 day camping trip at a nice oasis about 90 miles from our home and getting some freinds involved. It started out pretty good, but since no one wants to commit to an actual day, it's kinda up in the air....but I tried.
• I bought some replacement sausage stuffing tubes via Amazon and they were delivered yesterday. I hope to get back into home made sausage making again in the coming weeks and have a tasting BBQ shortly thereafter.
• I went to a model railroad train convention this past weekend and bought myself a train and some supplies. I look to start buying some wood within the next month after I clean up my office and begin construction on the basic frame for a train layout.
• I told my wife I am attending a party for a friend of mine on Feb 18th. She is welcome to come with me, and I'd like her to attend, but I'm going one way or another and that's that.
• I found a 10-year old dog I want to support at a shelter in a different state. If I was closer, I would have lobbied to adopt her myself. Dogs continue to touch my hear like no other thing has done in the last 5 years.

Other stuff:

• My step-daughter moved out of the house yesterday for the foreseeable future. I understand as a parent that my wife has mixed emotions (as do I), but when I woke up this morning, I already noted that a emotional burden seemed to be off my shoulders. This topic and event alone deserves it's very own post and I'll get to that soon in the coming days.
• I've been struggling a bit with a personal issue that weighs on my mind a lot as of late, and perhaps that's why I didn't go to church this past weekend. My walk with the Lord and my selfish thoughts are at war. Then enemy is trying to poke at a weakness of mine, and I'm stumbling a bit.
• My work has been very slow this whole week thus far and it's been a struggle for me to get super motivated. In other words, I'm bored beyond belief.
• I'm med-free right now. No anti-depressents, and I feel just fine. Perhaps going back to the gym and getting my adrenaline and endorphines up along with this 'Taking it Back' attitude may have really helped my mental outlook.
• A friend, 15+ years ifromthe past has located me and wrote me an email. I'm a little hesitant to acknowledge him and write back. It was a long time ago, and people grow up and change, but he hurt me and I'm not sure I want to re-experience the past. I don't know what to do just yet. I take my friendships (and loyalty) very seriously...and I want to forgive him, but it's hard right now.
• My wife's and mine sex-life runs hot/cold. One minute I so want to....the next it just seems like a hassle and chore. She only seems to get in the mood when drinking. This may change with the step-daughter now gone. Time will tell.
• I feel the need to purge crap from my garage this weekend.

Taking it Back - an update (part II)

Shortly after that party (see part I - yesterday's post) I really started to want to make some changes, and hopefully make them stick this time. I think we all say that from time to time, and eventually a brief hiccup or trip in a pattern eventually leads to two, then three, and before you know all progress is lost and we're all back to square one.



Pretty much like all New Years Resolutions. I think everyone can agree that they know someone, if not themselves, that make lofty proclomations on December 31st, and some two weeks later, 50% or more have already abandoned them.



I have a theory about all that. Aside from the obvious machismo bragging and alcohol induced blustering we all do on Dec. 31st regarding clean slates and starting over, I think the main problem is that most people, (and I've been guilty of this myself) make too lofty a set of goals. We are most likely doomed to fail because we shoot for the stars and believe we can give it the 'ole 150% effort to make these radical changes, but deep down inside, if we are honest with ourselves, we just don't have the willpower. We say, we'll start tomorrow, or the day after next, or even next week. When we approach those new lines in the sand, we tend to re-draw them yet again, extending them out even further. We say (and try to justify to ourselves), "Well, what's one more day?"



But we end up saying that more often than we would like to admit.



So this year, mentally armed with my new mantra of "Taking it all Back", I set some more realistic goals, smaller in scale. I wrote them down on a piece of paper somewhat like a bucket list. Now I may not accomplish 'all' of these things, but I'll be happy if I at least attempt some of them. 'Attempting' and not completing is much better that 'Never attempting' and then give up.



So, to share a bit of my bucket list with you may also help you get a better understanding of me and also helps myself take a personal account and sense of responsibility towards all this.

• Lose 21 lbs by mid March (2.5 months) and get down to my wedding weight of 215.


• Go camping with some friends sometime this year.


• Build a 4' x 8' wood framed layout for my model train hobby and begin to set up in the spare bedroom.


• Reduce our (both my wife's and mine) overall CC debt by 25%.


• Restart some of my lost hobbies like brewing beer and making homemade sausage and then throw a fun BBQ this summer and invite people I want to invite.


• Volunteer at an animal shelter and make a difference for abandoned pets.


• Pray to, and be more Thankful towards God more often.


• Try to let go of the past, relax, and spend more time doing things I want to do for myself and not worry if my wife or anyone else is involved or not.

This is just a taste, and some of these things may morph into other things not yet known, but it's a start. It's realistic. And I'll feel good if I attempted most of these.

More on these later and how I'm doing thus far.

(To be continued....)

Taking It Back - an update (part I)

Gosh, I just realized it been almost a month since my last post and I can't believe that time has flown already. I could have sworn I posted my thoughts regarding the changes I wanted to make for the New Year, but apparently I didn't.

The last few weeks of 2010, I was starting to get a bug up my butt about my life. As the days wore on I started to think back over various situations, personal events, emotional ups and downs, relationships, etc.

I kept circling back to a predominant thought: I was getting depressed and irritated over many things I couldn't control, and in some cases allowed them to get the better of me. I realized I wasn't in control, nor was I doing anything to gain that control back. Not that I need people to start answering to me per-se, but I was becoming more aware that I was becoming complacent, and that perhaps some of my 'issues', whether trivial or bigger in nature, were issues because I allowed them to be issues. I allowed them to dominate my mind instead of shrugging them off. I was, to a certain extent, choosing to be unhappy because I didn't pick myself up by the bootstraps.

Perhaps in some peoples mind, maybe even my wife's, I was becoming the weak man by essentially rolling over and taking it on the chin the majority of the time.

I'm not exactly sure what triggered me to start re-thinking things, but I became somewhat motivated to make some changes, and I knew that I had to do it, that I couldn't wait for anyone else (except God....but He's been a bit silent lately) to make those changes for me.

It started with a phrase that kind of morphed into a mantra for myself: "Taking it Back."

I'm not one for the Tony Robbin's school of positive thinking and I don't have wacky motivational posters or self help books lying about. There's no 'primal scream camp' or 'walking over coals' seminar I'm going to anytime soon. It was just the simple fact of questioning myself "Why can't I take my life back?" "Why can't I take my happiness back?" What is preventing me? The answer was staring me in the mirror....I was the one in the end of preventing myself from doing anything. I needed to both understand and take responsibility for that.

It actually started before Christmas. My wife and I got invited to a party from a friend of mine and I was excited to go because there were going to be some of my friends there that I hadn't seen in years. It was like a mini class reunion, and my wife and I discussed this and we both agreed to go weeks in advance.

With only a few days prior to the party, my wife's parents called up and said they too were 'attending' a party of a family friend of theirs (no relationship to me, blood or otherwise), and it just happened to fall on the same evening. Well, with only 3 days notice I explained to my wife I was not, in fact, going, I had made a commitment to my friends party, and her parents attend this same exact function every year. I can't help that they waited until the last minute to let us know, and I've been to their 'party' for the last 7 years. And I'm not exaggerating when I say if you've been to one, you've been to them all. They are always the same: Costco meat and cheese platter, pot of peas and mushrooms, soda in cans, grocery store bought cookies and 40 people standing around a house that only accommodates 20 and the same exact stories crop up every year.

My wife played it off because deep down I think she really though when it came to that day, I would end up go to her party. Well, that day came and when she asked me why I wasn't getting ready, I told her "I'm not going. I've already have had plans to attend the other one as you know for the last three weeks, not three days." She said her father (my father-in-law), would be upset. I replied, "I doubt it. Plue I already told him I was not going and he didn't say anything." (BTW: I had talked to him once before, and he secretely told me he could care less for this event as well. He just goes becasue he has nothing else to do.)

Needless to say she was surprised,....then pissed,.... and then gave me the silent treatment for the next 2 days. But you know what?...... for the first time in ages....I didn't care!

She was going to punish me by not talking to me? Okay. She was going to walk around the house, pouting? Okay. She's the one walking around in a cloud of self-anger...not me. I was totally fine with my decision and it didn't bother me and the guilt trip she was trying to apply wasn't taking hold. I think that's what made her even more mad...that I wasn't being affected...and once she figured out that the only person walking around with a dark cloud over her head was herself, she magically forgave me and pretended nothing happened by the 3rd day. See,....I didn't get sucked into trying to appease and apologize, or to 'smooth things over' with her. I wasn't wrong to begin with and hadn't done anything wrong, just asserted myself for the first time in years.

Now if her party was any other time, I would have gone, as it's not that big of a deal to me. I was just determined not to sweat it this time and show a weakness in my emotions.

And that's when the changes started.

(to be continued...)

"Why no presents this year?"

My step-daughter hit me with a loaded question yesterday and I had one of those moments where I was awkwardly silent at first, but my mind was racing at the speed of light for the 'diplomatic' reply.

"So Dad.....Why this year are we not really exchanging presents like in the past?", she asked, as it was only her and I standing in the kitchen as I was making spaghetti noodles for dinner after a long day and an hour commute home due to the torrential rain.

The easy answer would have been to blurt out in disgust "Ask your mother...the one who got us into this mess.", but I didn't. I needed to focus, collect my thoughts, and be Christian-like and fair.

I may have strong feelings on a subject, and my interpretation of events may be factual and true, but would they serve the collective or common good to be blunt and lay this all at the feet of one person.

The answer is "No."

The fact really is that it does take two to tango. As much as I may blame my wife for our financial issues (see my previous post on 'Forgive and Forget' btw) , I also allowed it to happen and turned a blind eye early on. And that's not to say every once in a while I wasn't exactly making the best and wisest of money related decisions.

But she's 19 now, and a part-time employee herself trying to learn (albeit late) about how the world turns. I decided she was old enough to know certain things...we can't shelter forever, and she is a part of this household....so I decided she had a right to know the truth. I didn't have to go into much detail, or take this as an opportunity to bash anyone (including myself mind you), just paint a clear enough picture that answers this upfront question, and may hopefully explain other things as well she may be privy to.

"Well....your mother and I are kinda in a financial bind. This year has been very hard for us both as you may have picked up from the banks calling weeks on end. Suffice to say, your mother and I are living paycheck to paycheck...hence...why we are eating more soup and spaghetti and staying home on the weekends. It hopefully won't be like this forever, but right now, and for the immediate time being, your mother and I are doing what we can to not fall down any further. Hopefully, with any luck, this is the indeed the worst of it and all we can do is go up from here. It may be a few months, maybe a year, but we're trying to correct certain issues that may have been neglected."

I think she took it fairly well and hopefully will respect me someday for telling it that way.

Humbling quote

I came across this quote the other day from Rick Warren, although I'm not exactly sure he is indeed the author. It seems I may have heard something similar once before, but since I saw this the other day, I CANNOT stop thinking about it:

If you have forgave, but not forgot....Did you really forgive to begin
with?

Whoa.

Heavy times 10. Man 'o man, I can think of countless things over the years that I haven't forgotten, and I wonder if I still hold even the minorest of grudges on any of them. I think I do and that puts a whole new perspective on how I have been dealing with things, both new and old.

Whoa.

What side of the fence am I even on anymore?

I've really been flip flopping emotionally this Christmas. Generally, I tend to look forward to the Christmas break, Christmas itself, and family. Still no lights on the house and we didn't send out one card this year. Not one.

There is so much to be thankful for, and yet.....I'm allowing myself to get mired in frustration and making excuses not to get into the spirit of the season. It's been raining very hard the last few days and is expected to up until Thursday of this week. Needless to say, we've all been cooped up inside the house, my dog included, and maybe getting a little stir crazy and depressed.

It's a clinical fact that people that don't get enough sunlight tend to get depressed more easily, and even though I know this, I can't seem to fend it off with my knowledge. It's amazing that we can all be in the same house together and barely have anything to say to one another for hours at a time. We are all at fault on this, yet I think I'm the only one that really notices.

I was watching Extreme Home Makeover as well, and let me tell you....that show is humbling. Just when I think our life is stagnant, I see these families that endure so much more....and yet, sometimes through their own pain they still seem to keep their head held up and face adversity, and find fun and meaning in just about everything. I feel so guilty and pathetic inside when I see the struggles of others.

I want that feeling of hopefullness and cheerfulness and love. Not just for me, but for my wife and daughter as well...yet it seems to elude us all.

I feel horrible about Christmas this year in the sense of giving. It's no secret (at least here) that we're scraping by. Paycheck to paycheck. It's one thing to agree with my own family that we won't be exchanging gifts this year, but I am so ashamed and embarrassed that we won't be able to get any gifts for wife's family either, including my nephews. Through my sister and brother in law, I have 4 nephews ranging from 6 to 17. We can't get them anything this year. We're even struggling to get anything for our daughter. I mentioned to her cautiously that this year would be low-key, to only expect stocking-stuffers. I think she understood and seems okay with it, but that still doesn't make me feel better and reinforces the feeling that somewhere along the lines we failed.

I'm kinda cringing inside to face everyone on Christmas Day at my inlaws empty handed. And there isn't any solace in the fact that I didn't cause our current status. I can't help it, but I feel as if my brother and sister in law will judge us and perhaps make up some story for the kids as to why their aunt and uncle didn't get them anything this year. I hope my wife has the discussion with her sister ahead of time. I loathe any type of confrontation even though this isn't of the agressive or negative type.

I have a longing to dig into the Word for comfort, but I find that feeling of relief is only temporary. I get words and thoughts of encouragement, but like a morning fog, they begin to fade as things heat up. I didn't go to church yesterday...I slept in. I'd like to say the pouring rain was my excuse, but how much of an excuse is it when my chruch is only a few blocks away?

It's lunch time. I'm having a can of soup. Skipped breakfast. I just want to go home, take a shower, and go to bed.

And 6.5 hours later....

....I'm not as mad as I was earlier.

It's really strange how emotions work. We've all heard the cliche, 'Time heals all wounds', and in some cases (not all) there is some semblence of truth to that. Where as this morning I was in a dire mood, grouchy, whatever....I just noticed that for the last few hours I've been pretty much ambivalent to everything. Did something change in our financial status the last 6-7 hours..?? No.

I admit though, I have checked our online statement 3 seperate times today. Why? I don't know. Was I expecting something to be added in there by a miracle? No. By staring at the same black and white figures, over and over did I think a light bulb would go on over my head? No. Well, I suppose the good news is nothing else cleared today. I can't imagine how I would feel right now if I logged in and we were down anotehr $100. Would that be an excuse for me to go all Richter? And if I did go Richter, would that really change anything? No.

I did get a text message from one of my wife's best friends. She knows that I've been on edge lately and I give her all the credit I can muster up by knowing she has never gone to my wife with our conversations. She really does know how to keep personal affairs and knowledge to herself. She doesn't kiss and tell, and she won't go running to my wife and gasp "You won't believe what your husband just said...."

She told me not to long ago that she sees her own therapist. At least once a week for almost a year. She suggested I go back, and it's not that I am against that notion. I need to vent. But as I explained to her, two things come up immediately for me: 1) Even if I wanted to go to a therapist right now....I have no money as a co-payment. 2) I'm not sure how talking to someone else right now solves the issue that my wife is financially irresponsible. I can talk to someone until I am blue in the face, but that doesn't stop my wife's behavior.

Anyway, she texted me mid morning to see how I was. I don't know what got into me, but I took it as an opportunity to vent. I wrote a spirited email to describe in fact exactly the way I had been feeling.

It felt so damn good to expunge and unload all this pent up negative energy I've been carrying around for a few days. But as I typed this last sentence, I can't help but wonder, why didn't I vent and unload to God? Why haven't I placed all this minutae at His feet to help carry me along? Oy, is this yet another failure to a test of being a Christian...putting my faith in man instead of with God?

So what's on the agenda tonight? Well, I see myself watching a movie on DVD or a show later. Tomorrow I plan on attending men's study at church (I need it), hitting the gym, working on my model, and spending no money.

Medication inconsistency & insomnia

Well, if it's not one thing, it's the other. Lately, I've been so tired I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open past 9:30pm. If given the chance, I could probably sleep in my car at lunch for the past few weeks. Now today, my eyes sprung open at around 2:11, again in the 3 o'clock hour, again at roughly 4:30, and finally wide awake at around 5:15am.

And I still managed to forget to take my happy pill yet again. I've been so inconsistent as of late, it's probably doing no good for me at all, and I'll have to start a new cycle tomorrow and wait the roughly 2 weeks to get back on track. Ugh.

I was mad yesterday. After writing my entry and sitting in my car driving home, I got mad. I could feel my jaw hinge getting sore from the unconscious clenching I had been doing previously up to that point. I don't know why, but something told me to look at the bank account.

I looked.

I was not happy at what I saw.

My wife, despite not having any more credit cards and no ATM/Debit card anylonger has been writing checks and not giving me a heads-up. Long story short....our mortgage is due the 16th without incurring a an additional $108 late fee, and she doesn't get paid until the 17th. If we spend no money and I mean NO MONEY the next 5 days (means no gas for our cars, no eating out, no nothing), we will still be short roughly $100. The last couple of checks: $40 'bowling' (hers), $89 'beauty supplies' (various shampoos and what not), $35 Ralph's (supplies for a party we got invited too that she volunteered to make tamales). Those were just some of them. And she gets on my case for not keeping a check register??? I check the online statements almost every other day so I know what's up. She actually does keep a check register and is still clueless.

No, I can't even fight with her now. It's just not worth it for me to get worked up, scream and yell for to someone that is in denial. In the end, I'll end up looking like an ass, and somehow it'll be my fault.

We've been doing this 'joint' account thing for almost two months now, and I'm starting to suspect it's not working. Well, it's not working for me, but apparantly working for her because she can keep writing checks counting on me. We spoke briefly about it this morning. She looked at me like "well, there's nothing we can do, so don't stress about it"...Really? There's nothing 'we' can do? Um...yes, 'you' can stop writing checks for $90 worth of shampoo and conditioner. Say maybe skip 'bowling' one week and have an extra $40. Why is up to me to figure everything out?

Dammit...this isn't how I wanted to start my day or weekend. I'm frustrated, a little ticked, forgot my meds, and now broke until next week where we'll be late paying the mortgage. Oh, I just can't wait to go to my inlaws this Thursday and pretent everything is hunky-dory.

Still no spirit

Well, another week has gone by and we still have zero Christams decoration up. That's both inside and out. No lights outside, no tree inside.

My aunt gave me a really strange call a few days ago. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, she's borderline agnostic/atheist. That's not to say she isn't 'spiritual', but she's was more or less a child of the 60's and was into the whole New Age movement a few decades back and even followed some teaching of some East Indian Guru for a while. The good news I guess is she grew out of that, but hasn't landed anywhere else. I suspect she does believe in a higher power, but I know she doesn't attend church and can't believe that an all loving God would allow such atrocities to take place today if 'He' cared about us. I won't go into much more than that, but suffice to say we don't talk about Christianity and she always has 'her answer' for everything.

I don't know why I just brought that up other than to give some background on the call I got the other night. It was about Christmas Eve and the dinner I offered to cook. Long story short she talked to me for just under 30 minutes.....and I mean that literally. I timed it on my cell phone, and she did 90% of the talking with me just saying "Okay" and "Uh-huh" sprinkled in at certain intervals just so I wouldn't seem rude. But I tuned out for the most part five minutes in when she start telling me about all her dietary requirements, and not just what she could and couldn't have (which most of it is B.S. to begin with), but then she started dictating the time I have dinner so that SHE could drive home afterwards without hitting traffic. That probably seems like an acceptable request by most standards, but here's the thing.....my aunt makes everything a drama and she's always at the center of it. Not just in her dealings with me, but I've seen her talk to her husband (my uncle), my grandfather, my mother (her sister) the same way. Everything revolves around her. It's not that she's intentionally being malicious, rude, spoiled, whatever...but I really and honestly believe in my heart of hearts that she doesn't realize that she puts her well being ahead of everyone else.

So in the interest of sacrifice and less drama, I am making a few concessions and modifications. I know, I should put my foot down and draw the line somewhere, but in the interest of trying to be humble and respecting my relatives I am bending a tad. In the long run, it's just easier for me and won't cause any awkward moments for the duration of the day. That and the fact that I have three strong willed women in my life: my aunt, my mother, and my wife. I'm just too tired anymore to try and argue with any of them.

~~~~~~~

A strange thing happened to me yesterday I thought I would share....as long as I'm being 100% open and honest here in my anonymous blog. My medicine (as I've been talking about adnaseum lately) makes me very tired and my muscles very achy (plus the gym), but I got in the shower last night as hot as I could stand it and sat down, indian style, and let the water rush over me in hopes of relieving my stress and relaxing me.

As I sat there in my silence, I couldn't help but think that I haven't had a massage in over 7 years. Not juts a full body professional massage, but my wife doesn't even rub my feet or shoulders anymore. Not that I demand that, or even ask....but she doesn't even offer. It wasn't that which got to me, it was the fact I realized just how darn tired I was. And not just physically like a good day or two at poolside would recharge me.....No, I really began to take stock in how tired I was and am in totality.

It my muscles, my eyes, my heart, my soul. I'm so tired of trying to hold everything together as far as finances go, my spirituality, my job, my health, prayers for my family. I harken back to an entry I made here close to two years back, and then suddenly the idea of running away seemed like a plausible fantasy again. For a few brief minutes I pretended I was married to someone else, living somewhere else, working somewhere else. I thought of vacations I never took in my life, but the ones I took in my alternate fantasy. I dreamed of my kids I would never have and an affectionate wife who placed "us" as a priority instead of a bowling league.

And for 30 seconds I imagined I was infact gone, home in heaven, never to look back at this crap. It seemed that the crap was in fact never ending, not measured in year to year, or crap measured by month to month, but the crap I sometimes feel I can measure day to day, and sometimes even hour to hour.

Then I realized I'd been in the shower a godo 20 minutes, so I better suck it up and get out it, once again pushing down those empty feelings into a ball I now try and hide deep down inside myself and pretend they aren't there.....until the next time I am alone and a failure message from the Enemy creeps in and trie sto remind me what a failure everything is and this whole God thing and pill thing and prayer thing just isn't doing anything. I know all this is baloney, but why does it garb me so hard and do such an excellent job of paralyzing me?

Bah Humbug

Well, here's to hoping everyone had a special and great Thanksgiving. Mine was pretty nice. It was kinda low-key and held at my sister-in-laws house. I did fairly well on the eating; although I had two complete dinner servings, I was a good boy and stayed away from having any dessert or yam's, and kept the adult drinking in check. My sister and brother-in-law were very good hosts and it was a little tamer this year as all my nephews and step-daughter were not in attendance.

I spent my 4 days off of work catching up on some TV, working on a train model I am building, going to the gym and working out hardcore at least twice. Maybe a little too hard as my body still feels a bit achy and sore 3 days after the fact.

Been taking my pills as I should be, although I still tend to forget my nightly supplements on occassion (Fish Oil tablets and Vitamin D), but overall have cut way back on my drinking. The Lipitor alternative continues to make me tired and on days like today I feel I could fall asleep at 2pm in the afternoon if I don't force myself to be active.

My wife had an emergency root canal yesterday: $259 was our portion of the bill that was of course unexpected. An additional $259 we don't have but had to pay. Looks like breakfasts will be skipped again this week and generic sandwiches for lunch and as much tuna, rice, and soup as we can eat this week. Oh well....what can you do?

Christmas is upon is in less than 4 weeks now and the feeling hasn't kicked in yet. Due to our finances, we have opted to not buy presents for our family this year. We recently had to explain to both sides why, and they were understanding. Instead, I'll be charged with making a Christmas Eve dinner in which I've been designing the menu the last few days. One thing I can do is cook. God gave me that skill and I always get rave reviews for my meals. This year will be Italian....it's a tad cheaper and easier to do as much of it can be preped the day before.

Usually, the day after Thanksgiving I traditionally put out the Christmas lights. Didn't happen...yet. I ended up helping my neighbors with theirs, and by the time we were all done, it was too late and cold to tackle my house. I was going to do it on Sunday, but then it rained in the morning, and the rest of the day was too cold yet again. We also battled an ant invasion due to the cold snap and rain....ugh. I work all week and this Saturday we have plans in which I won't be home. So by the time I get around to it, it'll be Dec. 5th, and if I feel anything then like how I feel now, I won't be doing it then either. At least my wife hasn't got on my case about it. As a matter of fact she hasn't even put away her Halloween decorations inside the house from last month, so she's letting me pass on this.

Other bad news is my work ended up terminating people again today. Practically the same day as a year ago. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so work has been tense with a black cloud of moral hanging over everyones heads. I'm thnakful everyday for my job even though at times I'm bored out of my skull and fantasize about diffrent careers.....but I got to get through the next 13 months unscathed before the pressure begins to lift off my shoulders and chest.

I have a blood test coming up in the next few weeks. Gonna re-check my cholesterol. Hopefully it's gone down this time. I've tried much harder to be good (although not every day is perfect). More fish. More turkey. More water. More fiber. More excercise. Less booze. Less dairy. So we'll see. If not, then I don't know what's next.

Anxiety attack

I can't pinpoit the exact reason, but last night at about 6pm, I felt the early signs of an anxiety/panic attack.

I hadn't had one for some time, but I probably worked myself up for various reasons yesterday. I'm sure most of it had to do with finances....We have property taxes, mortgage, home owners insurance, both vehicle registration all due within the coming weeks including Christmas. I have 13 more car payments to make on my car before I can breathe a little easier, but of course that's a year from now and doesn't do me any good today.

Couple that with the revelation of my step-daughters negative viewpoint on religion and her 'graduation' from independant study yesterday...of course with no plan moving forward at this point (no plans for college, no plans to get sa drivers license, no idea on what she wants to do, etc).

By the time I got home from work yesterday, I felt that tightening happening in my chest. The feel of adrenaline building up in a ball just behind my sternum with nowhere to go, no outlet. My body getting an occasional shiver of ice running through my veins and my jaw tense enough I realized my teeth were hurting from clenching down.

It's supposed to be the start of the Holidays....where I should be able to relax and let go and thinking about a turkey and mash potatoe induced coma, but instead I'm on edge.

I ended up taking a Clonzapen before our dinner last night in which we were to 'celebrate' my daughter's graduation. I took it at home and thank goodness it kicked in by the time we got to the restaraunt. I felt a little 'high', or as close to that feeling I can describe without being on illict substances, and proceded to make it through dinner much more relaxed and 'floaty'.

We got home at around 9pm and I took the hottest shower I could stand and was in bed reading by 9:30, lights out at 10.

I feel better for the most part this morning, although my wife and I had a discussion about money again this morning (my bad...I brought it up, but I had to before I went to work, as things in the 'joint' account seemed a tad off to me and I couldn't leave it be without knowing what this check was for).

All in all here's to hoping I (and you) have a decent and great Thanksgiving. I know I am going to try hard and relax....but is that really relaxing if I have to try so hard, or is that considered a job?

Step-daughter and spirituality

I've noticed a disturbing trend developing under my roof as of late, and I didn't realize how bad it is/was until just a few minutes ago.

I try not to pry or 'spy' on my step daughter's life; in actuality I look forward to the day she moves out of my house and I can reclaim a little piece of additional peace and quiet back in my home.

She'll be 19 in a few months, and fiercely independant and very opinionated, sometimes angry at the world. That's why I hope and pray this is just a stage or phase she is going through like many youth before her, but since I didn't go through this stage myself, I cannot relate.

I came across some of her recent Facebook postings, and while not yet proclaiming to be an atheist, much of her subject matter has an anti-religion slant in general. I can't help but notice either that many of her 'online' friends she surrounds herslef are infact very vocal about there being no God, that religion does more harm than good, that all Christians and all denominations are sheep, and we have no brains for ourselves.

I'm very bothered by this. It both saddens me very deeply and also angers me at the same time. I cannot force religion down her throat, and apparantly all the best Godly advice I've ever given her and examples fo myself going to church has had no affect.

This is the last thing I want to get into her with, or bring to her mothers attention (my wife is a believer, but doesn't go to church herself), but needless to say I'm very concerned this is happening and this attitude prevails under my roof. Granted, I'm not the ideal Christian myself, but I can't help but feel I have failed somwhere in here and she is exposed and reinforced by wordly and secular viewpoints that all just seem so bitter and angry.

If you're a believer will you pray for my step-daughter for a change (instead of me)...to soften her heart and let the Holy Spirit minsister to her when the time is right?

Short week

Not everything is always gloomy in my life.

I was thinking about the tone here the last couple of entries and it does seem to skew to the negative side of things. But I can't possibly have a bad day everyday can i? No, as a matter of fact there are bright moments as well.

I may not have all the money I'd like to have to alleviate some burdens, I may no longer have the very athletic body I once did, may not have the perfect marriage, or job, or temperment, or solid Christian faith I desire to have, but I do have good times.

This past Saturday as it poured rain outside, I was able to play my Xbox game and had a blast. I've been enjoying reading both a crime novel and a biography on model railroading (a passion I recently discovered the last 2 years). I enjoy good food, and I really do have some great friends. I don't say that often enough. I had a few hours with a few of this weekend. One took me to lunch on Sunday, another took me to lunch on Friday, and yet another invited me over Saturday night to hang out and it was good quality time.

Then there's my dog. I love him so much, and even after 5 years he still can play like a puppy and be as silly and entertaining as ever. I love when he snuggles up to me on a cold night, or sits on my lap in the morning as I have a cup of coffee. As I sit and type this entry I am looking at a picture of my little guy standing on his hind legs, staring out my bedroom window intently, watching the world go by in his eyes. He won't be here forever....his time with me is statistically 1/3rd over and I just wish I could spend even more time with him. He has taught me so much patience and love.

I enjoying discovering new eateries with good company, and I love me a good BBQ.

I enjoy that the Holiday's are here, even though this years Christmas won't be about presents. I'm actually looking forward to going to my sister-in-laws house for a meal I don't have to cook, and I enjoy both my parents and my in-laws....for real.

I look forward to when our company shuts down for 10 straight days and I'll be home enjoying building a model, playing a game, going to the gym, eating what I want, and reading my books.

Just wanted to share some positive stuff for once.

The Forgotten update (Part III)

Why am I so bad at this? I'm usually pretty darn good on follow through in other aspects in my life, but I have a convienent tendancy to update this blog when I really want to. I wonder if that is a subconscious defense mechanism on my behalf?

In a way, maybe it's a good thing to space these out the way they are...so much happens in such short time frames, I figure by the time I write something, it's already changed again.

So in no particular order....

Medication: I've been off my pills for about two weeks now. It always happens by forgetting that one in the morning, and before you know, I foget again by day to, and then day 3, and soon it's 2 weeks. I feel 'okay' for the most part, nothing super wild has happened to make my mood swing in eitehr direction. I've been fairly busy...at work and at home and a few social engagements that I suppose my mind has not had a chance to get trapped into thinking about the things I generally get mired too deep in. So why am I writing about this today? Because yesterday my wife called me to remind me to go to CVS and pick up my perscription refill last night. When I opened the door, she was there with my step-daughter and neighbor and made an innocent quip about "Got your 'happy' pills?"

I secretly hate when she mentions this, innocent or not. Especially in front of my step-daughter and neighbor. Great...let's hand out fliers to the cul-de-sac and let them know a potentially bi-polar enighbor whose been known to sob uncontrollably one minute and flash anger the next live on the corner. Thank goodness my wife has never heard me discuss the my thoughts when I was at my lowest a couple of years ago...I'd hate to let it slip that yours truly was praying for the ultimate God visit.

Step-daughter: Supposedly graduates with her GED equivelant in two weeks (a year late mind you). Any plans beyond that? Nope. No discussion of community college or trade school or moving out. No direction. No driver's license. No state ID for that matter. I secretly want her gone. I want my house back. I want the spare room back....and clean (it's so dirty now). I want the peace and quiet back from her 'know-it-all' attitude. I imagine in the next few months we'll have to sit down with her and get her to commit to some kind of plan on way or the other or move-out. It's getting the support from my wife that's going to be hard. That seems to flip flop one day to the next.

Finances: Well, I can honestly say the blood-letting has stopped as far as I can tell. We're far from being out of the woods, but at least we aren't sinking or burying ourselves any further. We signed up with a Christain debt counseling service and submitted all our stuff, but it seems to be taking much longer than I anticipated to get this thing off the ground. Right now we have cancelled all her credit cards and most of mine and are waiting for them to let us know the next step. I may have to ping them on this today.

We did combine our accounts, and I have a better idea on what we are spending, but I'm a tad disapointed my wife seems only semi-serious about this whole thing. I suspect she's counting on me to 'take-over' because she shows little effort and only partial restraint in keeping tabs on the combined account, but when I do question a few things she gets defensive all over again and has a convient answer for everything. So while the overall situation has improved, it's not where I'd like to see it, or where she originally agreed upon.

As far as our relationship together goes, it too has improved, but still has it's moments. My wife is fiercly independant and while I can admire some aspects of that, other times it's just spiteful stuborness. Still can't get her to go to church with me or cut back her smoking. I don't like some of her surprises as they are decisions that also impact me and I still feel I'm the last person to find out at times. On the flipside, she does tell me she loves me more than she used to, does things for me here and there, but still not outwardly affectionate.

Anyway, I think that about sums everything up for now, so hopefully next entry will see a new chapter or topic.

Interlude: I snapped

This posts origin has at least one of its tendrils in our recent financial woes.

About 1.5 weeks ago, I got the property tax invoice from the county, and the first payment of two is due around the first week of December. I can't pay it. The only way I can is to take a loan out on my 401K, which I have never done since I started saving money in a 401k almost 20 years ago.

As I also alluded to in my last entry, my wife and I are combining accounts, and it's taking longer than it should be. Of course my wife feels out of control when her company screwed up the first attempt at direct deposit, and God forbid she actually stay on top of it herself and follow-up with anyone. Same thing happened with her debt consolidation....it was magically going 'nowhere'...until I jumped in and took control. It's not just my wife. I really hate the excuse no matter who it is: "I called and left a message a week ago and am awaiting a call back." Um, ever heard the saying 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'? Especially when it comes to money. I follow up and if someone doesn't call me back when they say, I don't wait another week and cross my fingers. No, I call the next day. I write down names and times. Yeah, maybe that's anal, and perhaps taking on more than I usually have to, but as yet another saying goes "If you want done things right, you gotta do it yourself." Problem is, I've been doing that so long (that is taking the reigns) I've learned I really can't trust others to follow through.....or perhaps they are the smart ones and I'm the idiot because they know if they 'slack' long enough, I'll do it eventually.

Whoa, I really do have ADHD, I'm so far off topic right now.

Okay, coming back around....

So in addition to that, we've been shorthanded at work and I've been having to cover other people. It was also my review at work, so I've been trying even harder to put out that extera effort and be visible and not complain about things. It's also been raining and my poor dog can't get a decent walk in. My stepdaughter has been putting us through the ringer (any 18 year old will do that) and my cholesterol medicine makes me super tired. I mean I can fall asleep at my desk if given the chance, so I've actually been going to bed earlier at night to compensate. I've missed church a few times, beating myself up in my head, and trying to make up for it my reading the Word, listening to Christian radio, and even woke up early on Sunday to watch a televangelist at 6:30am the other day.

Through all this, I forgot to take my 'happy pills' here and there on occasion so my chemistry is a bit unstable.

So the other day, I was going through my regular boring routine, taking note of yet another 'rinse and repeat' type of day when my mother called. Well, she's a tad impatient as well, but in another realm of my own impatience. She was a bit miffed and felt 'inconvienced' when I didn't call her back from the message she left me at home or on my cell phone. The thing is I hadn't been home yet to hear the message, and since I was in meeting all day at work, my cell phone was on mute. So I missed the 5 attempts she tried getting a hold of me in three hours. Yes, 5 attempts in three hours...all for an umbrella....a $15 dollar umbrella she thought she left at my house and was pissed she couldn't find it, and apparently I need to be on 30 second response duty for said umbrella whereabouts.

So, when I explained to her I hadn't been home, why not try calling my daughter or wife, she exclaimed she already did. So, lets review shall we? In the span of three hours my mother called my wife, my stepdaughter on her cellphone, and 5 times to me. That's 7 times looking for a $15 umbrella. When I did finally get a hold of her to tell her the umbrealla wasn't on our porch, she grilled me why I don't pick up my phone and then jumped to the conclusioon one of my neighbors stole it. I tried to explain logically that's ridiculous....who would go on our porch, in the dark, and even know the umbrealla is there to begin with to steal? There isn't a rash of umbrella thieves in the area that I'm aware of.

Needless to say, I was then told I was being rude and the next time I needed 'help' of any kind, don't bother calling her. That hurt my feelings. So....with all the stuff piling up as of late...and perhaps the lack of happy pills....I snapped. I went from minding my own business/content...to a sailor on a verbal bender the likes of which I haven;t done in years. My hot button was pushed, and if I were a cartoon, you'd see steam shooting from both ears, my eye's popping out, and my forehead turning bright red.

By the time I got off the phone it was all I could do to not pick up the closest object in huck it across the room. At this point my wife came home and tried to calm me down, and the best thing she could do (and she did) was listen to me vent. Oh, and I vented. For a good half hour straight. I used more curse words in that 30 minutes that I think I've used in the last year.

I ended up pouing myself a drink (not smart, or an answer to any problem by the way kids), and then taking a super hot shower to drain my stress and anger away, but not before I almost broke my hand by punching a tile wall (also stupid, but luckily no damage).

An hour later, once my rational mind came back into play, I realized right then and there why it is important to be diligent in taking my pills. I was a raving verbal lunatic, who knows how long I was simmering like that just under the surface.

So here we are a few days later: I've made sure I've taking my pill everday since then. And my mom called yesterday to apologize. After some reflection, she beleives she was in the wrong for the things she said and how she handled the situation over an umbrella. I didn't tell her about my rage afterwards, but I forgive her and myself and I realize I hate that part of me...the wild man with a potty mouth....but sometimes the stress is so much. God, it is so much.

There's a song by a band called 'Depeche Mode' that's entitled "Try walking in my shoes" To me it's so apropos:

I would tell you about the things
They put me through
The pain I've been subjected to
But the Lord himself would blush
The countless feasts laid at my feet
Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes

Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate's made of me
But I promise now, my judge and jurors
My intentions couldn't have been purer
My case is easy to see

I'm not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I've been through
And before we talk of any repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept

If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

The Forgotten Updated (part II)

Actually, this really isn't what I wanted to talk about at all today, but looking back at my last post, I know I said this would be the next entry.

Financially, a lot has happened to both my wife and I over the course of our marriage. Notice that I don't say 'our' financials, because up until very recently (and still not 100% completed) our finances were seperate.

I won't rehash history here (that's what the archives are for), but to put it out there simply here is the brief synopsis: 1) My wife had filed for bankruptcy just prior to our marriage, 2) She's not very good with money or understanding the responsibility of money, 3) We bought a house on the upswing of the market probably paying a tad bit more than we should have, 4) I had a nice paying job that I lost and was unemployed for a few month eventually taking a lower paying job, 5) My 11 year old car died and I bought a new car and financed it for 4 years with larger than I'd liek to admit monthly payments, 6) My step-daughetr came to live with us full time, thus increasing all our monthly bills and responsibilities, without the raises in this economy to make that transition easier, 7) My wife never learned her lesson and despite my constant pleading ran up a new set of credit cards she eventually couldn't pay for. 8) We both dislike our jobs, make less than we did 5 years ago and our bills have increased.

Sound like 75% of the rest of the country? Yeah, I don't expect much sympathy. I will tell you that I don't look for handouts or try to cheat the government, and I although neither one of us may care for our jobs or the people that are a part of them, we both work hard and at times have picked up occasional side jobs or began selling things of ours, or cutting out previous luxuries and making plenty of sacrifices along the way.

At times it seems it's all I can do to keep our heads above water. We have eaten plenty of spaghetti, many of PB&J sandwiches for lunch, or just plain skip breakfast. We've learned to shop with coupons, take advantage of sales, buy generic, and stretch things out as long and as far as we can. My wife has made tremendous strides forward in this realm lately, but it took her getting pounded into the sand again even with all the warning signs and headsup one can give before she really recognized the situation.

It used to really bother me, and I'll admit, it still does at times that she used to 'dismiss' my financial advice, thinking I was more of a nag or combative than I was a person trying to guide her. I used to say "Why would I steer you wrong? What happens to you, both directly and indirectly affects me. It in in yours, mine, and "our" best interest to look at your spending habits." I think she may be honest today in saying that she was in denial before. What I would say and she would dismiss, her parents would then backup what I was saying all along, and then she'd be okay with it, as if tehre was no way I could possibly know what I was talking about, despite the fact my credit was stellar and hers was in the shitter.

A few months back, the old pattern came back around and culminated once again with various creditors and bancks calling our house at all times of the day looking for my wife. Her strategy? Run and hide and maybe they'll go away. On the contrary, fees began piling up again, the calls didn't stop and now letters coming to the door. I told her I couldn't and wouldn't help anylonger. That's the truth....I was/am still having my own financial issues and already gave up so much that I didn't have just spare change lying about to hand out. At one point I was literally rolling tubes of pennies to take to the gas station to put gas in my car.

My wife finally turned to her parents, and thank goodness they put their own foot down and didn't cave in like last time. Now they wanted to see my wifes bank records, canceled statements, and demanded she cut up her cards before they even entertained helping/bailing her out again. I finally got the support I was looking for....I imagine it was there all along actually, but my wife was so embarrassed and running out of stories and excuses to keep her parents and I from all getting on the same page and piece together what the heck happened.

It was one of those very long nights again, when my mother-in-law showed up at our house, and patiently, yet firmly and lovingly, made my wife lay all her cards out on the table. I even learned a few things that night I was both surprised and furious with. My fury gave way to disapointment and then to a sense of 'helplessness'. I recall sitting on our couch doing all the math in my head once I got an idea of the 'whole picture', and I resigned myself to the fact that I'll never being going on any vaction anytime soon, or I'll have to retire late in life (if at all) and that my favorite hobbies and dreams of today (what little are left to begin with) all have to be shelved yet again.

As I heard my wife speak more and more about 'her' (and what is really 'our') situation, my mind forgot we were even married. A few thoughts I had: 1) How the hell did I not see this coming? 2) How did she allow this to happen yet again? 3) Is she seriously thinking that everything is okay? Is she that blind? That far in denial? That far out of touch in reality? 4) How many more crappy sandwiches am I going to have to eat? 5) When can I buy myself any new toy, book, game, or small gadget? 6) And yes, "Why did I marry her again? My life was so much more simple and carefree and secure when I was single...

To be continued......

The Forgotten Update (Part I)

I just realized I left two big things out there from almost a month ago and haven't said anything since.

One was in reagrds to me visiting the doctor, and the other was my wife's (and thus mine as well by default) financial issues.

Well, I'll tackle the health one here in this post.

Approx. two weeks ago I had my physical. It went 'okay' and I explained to the doctor some of my 'bleeding' issues below. The doctor took a look at my bum, if you will, and used a device to look a bit 'more closely'. It was a tad uncomfortable, and the doctor didn't see anything out of place or abnormal. Most likely it is brough on by stress, and I'm happy to say I haven't bled in close to two months now.

I've dropped a few pounds since last year. I'm currently 227lbs, down from 236 last year, but of course the doctor would like to see me closer to 200-210 for my height and frame.

My blood work came back pretty much normal, liver looks good, white blood cell count, blah, blah, blah. However, my cholesterol is still a bit high. I'm in the 220 range and so the doctor put me on a perscription of generic Lipitor and I need to go back in two months. I still contend I eat somewhat healthier than the average person, and while I don't workout as much as I used to, I still am a bit more active than the average person.

It must be genetics, because as I explained to the doctor I can't even remember the last time I had shrimp, lobster, eggs, or whole milk. I use egg substitute, drink 1% milk if and when I actually drink milk, and really cut back on the buffalo wings (a personal favorite I crave).

Doctor told me to get my heart rate up when I exercise (i.e. fast walking or bike riding instead of weight lifting), eat much more fish and veggies, and cut back on red meats. So these last two weeks I have done just that. I've been eating a higher fiber cereal, cutting back on any cheese (not eliminating, but cutting back), having tuna and more fish, and steamed veggies with Smart Balance butter. I may start taking fish oil tablets as well. I also rode the bike at the gym this last weekend and will do so again this weekend as well.

Anyway, I go back in two months to see if I improved.

As far as the Happy Pills go, I'm on a new regime of 'Citropram'(?), basically a Lexapro substitute. I started off on 20mg, and now am down to 10mg a day. They usually say it takes at least 2-3 weeks for your body to adjust, but I could tell in just one week. I do feel more 'even keel' and I know this stuff works. My mood swings are much more controlled that before and I haven't had a 'crying' fit since. The only side effect: sexual. How do I say this in the best decorum(?): I can still get aroused, there is no issue there at all.....but it's hard for me to achieve a 'finished state' which can be a bit frustrating for both of us, but probably moreso for myself. I get right to the 'edge', and then stay there until I'm too tired or sore to continue, and thus I'm the one that feels a bit cheated in the end.

Next: financials

Is my wife starting to take notice?

By nature, both my wife and I are not morning people. I do adjust a lot faster in the AM than my wife does once I have a cup of coffee. I tend to be usually much more active and productive in the morning than most people once I have my caffiene, but I do tend to operate alone. I'm not one for small talk, idle banter, or "cheery good mornings" first thing upon waking.

Neither is my wife. She actually tends to sleep in a bit longer than myself, although she does go to bed a bit later than me on average as well. However, I noted that the last few weeks, she has been sleeping less and even getting up earlier than me during the week, whereas I have actually been sleeping a bit better and later.

I usually get up at around 6:15 and feed the dog by 6:30, and very rarely do I get to go back to bed for any kind of snoozing. Lately, however, since my wife has been getting up earlier and feeding the dog, I've been lucky and been able to sleep in until 7am or even 7:15.

Why the chnage in my wifes behavior?

Her own stress.

As I mentioned, it's been a little dicey as of late with our finances. I've been doing my best taking care of the big things, and trying to cover her shortfalls as well, but this has drained our saving (I should say 'my' saving as we have seperate accounts) where I can't cover her anylonger. I think she knows this now. We both have made plenty of sacrifices over the last year, and even more so over the last couple of months.

It's been a struggle, but we survive. There's been no vacations, no luxuries, no frivolous spendings. There has been more bagged lunches, cheap dinners, and making other household goods stretch a bit further and longer.

It's been an adjustment for both of us, and while I can't say it's been easy or that I like it, we've been dealing with it. What else can we do but deal with it? But I really can't make any more sacrifices myself. Other than a single magazine subscription that I just renewed and the occasional used book or discounted game, there really isn't anything left for me to cut out. (A nice side benefit I suppose is the fact I'm hardly buying any more liquor either....just an odd side note).

But how did we get here? Well, as I've said before, and I think I am being as honest and fair as I can possibly be, my wife hasn't done us any favors in the past with her spending habits. No, she doesn't go out and buy $200 dresses or $100 shoes. She doesn't drive a fancy car or expensive furniture. She does however tend to put a lot of crap on credit cards including lunches with girlfriends. She gets her nails done a lot, and seems to get a lot of other small stuff. The problem is this: her credit cards are already at very high interest rates and all she does is make the minimum payments. She is also generous with her friends for lunches, also charging these, and maybe the generosity is always 'reciprocated'. So over time, the interest alone is beginning to outpace what she can pay onthe minimum payments. Now it didn't happen overnight, but despite my warnings and naggings and her assurances....what wasn't supposed to happen did....I'm just the only one who isn't in denial about it.

Okay, that's neither here nor there at this point. Suffice to say my wife's current paychecks are basically spent now as soon as she gets them....either to credit card companies or 'fees' assessed by the bank on bounced checks and overdraft protection. It's not that I am ignorant of any of this, it's just that I kinda gave up for right now and find my stress level is much lower if I don't know every detail.

Well, while this may work a bit for my stress, it apprantly has caught up with my wife and now she is stressed out...much more than she leads on.

So this morning, as I came downstairs, getting my coffee fix, and trying to wake myself up, my wife begins to talk to me of her own free will:

I guess she went to her mother sometime this last week and asked for her mother to co-sign a loan fro $10k. This will supposedly pay off her credit cards, and also get the bank off her back. She told me that she has already closed one account and that she is going to get rid of her public storage unit that she is 2 payments behind on (and something I've been lobbying to get rid of for years). She wants to close her checking account and have her check deposited into my account and allow me to be in charge of all the bills. I would give her a weekly allowance. She even mentioned she may have to temporarily give up her *bowling* league for a season (a re-occuring weekly cost of $25-50 every Monday evening).

So I think it is finally sinking into her that she is over her head and all her hard work and long hours is only covering her late fees and interest...that past actions and decisons *she* made has put *us* in a bind.

Now is it 100% her doing? No. I've done a few splurgings on occassion. I've let my eyes be bigger than my wallet here and there. But our situation is 80% my wife and 20% me. I know that may not seem fair or nice, but since we do have seperate accounts, and money isn't pooled, it's easy for me to do the math. I know exactly everything I pay for, and while it's tight, and I skip a lunch here and there, I don't have the bank calling me up and I do not have late fees.

So here's the big caveat to the loan fro my wife. Her mother only agreed to co-sign if we both had a sit down talk with her and bring our bank statements. Her mother admitted this may be a huge invasion of privacy, but I can't blame her. She isn't going to go in on a loan for her daughter if she can't get an accurate accounting of where the current money is going.

I really don't have a problem with this at all. I have nothing to be ashamed of or hide from my mother-in-law. My accounting is rock solid and my spending habits can be all justified. I think my wife is more nervous, as now she won't just have to passify me, but now explain to her mom and most likely her dad. I feel a stern, yet loving, lecture coming our way, and I'm okay with it.

I think her parents need to know. They need to know that I am doing my very best, that I'm not just spending willy-nilly, that my own advice to my wife has never sunk in and I can't cover her anylonger. To me, this actually may be a saving grace moment. I won't be alone in this struggle any longer and my wife can't be in denial any more either. It will relieve some stress off my back as I feel the knowledge is out there. She is going to have to make some promises and deals with her parents....and I'm okay with that.

I am thankful that my wife came to me and seems to understand the severity of our financial issues. That we can't continue to live paycheck to paycheck, barely keeping our eyes above water. I hope that this may even bring us closer together. That she trusts me with her money and knows that I have both of our best interests at heart. That I'm not going to lose my cool or top, and use this situation as a building process moving forward.

I know this is a longer than usual post, but it feels good to get it out there. Now as I pointed out to my wife this morning, it's up to her to get this ball rolling. If she's serious, she needs to start putting this all in motion and commit to a time frame. She has a tendency to have all these ideas, but never follows through on them. Well, I'm here to support her, but I'm not going to drive this. She says she'd liek to have this all taken care of (and close down the storage unit) by Nov. 1.

We'll see.