Last week, I was a bit frustrated with my wife, and I can only guess she was a little frustrated with me. We are both headstrong people, who feel 'right' in the moment. However, as time passes and cooler heads prevail, I often find myself the one who can admit his own faults and try to correct them for the better. Sometimes I really mean it, other times, not so much, but I try and look at the big picture. And if the big picture requires me to eat a little crow once in a while, so be it. I learned through many years of self-induced anguish, that being 'right' isn't always so important.
A lesson my wife still needs to learn in my opinion.
So last Friday we went to a 'couples' class sponsered by a local church to speak about communication issues. It wasn't necessarily what I was hoping for or what I expected, but it did help. Sometimes I wonder why my wife is more responsive to a third party pointing something out to her than when I point out the exact same thing. When I do it, I am being accusatory or nit-picky, or whatever. When someone else does it, it is 'somewhat' recognized and digested by her. But I suppose it's better she realizes it from someone, if at least its not going to be me.
The course/discussion was 2 hours long, and raised some interesting questions that even after 4 years of marriage, I think we both realized we didn't reallyy know the true answers. Such as: 1) What are your dreams? 2) What is 'your' history? and a few others. I guess we had some slight ideas, maybe a very broad picture, but never really knew what each others dreams, hobbies, history truly was.
After the course we had a late dinner, and it was very nice. It was like when we were dating. We actually spoke about things and I at least vowed internally to put some of the courses ideas into action. How long I can perpetuate these ideas into actions, and if my wife will do the same....time can only tell. But Friday night was a 'good' night.
Saturday we got along fine, but did our own chores about the house, and she went out to a girls birthday party that evening. I hung out with the neighbors, but was in relatively early and enjoyed some alone time in front of the TV with my dog.
Sunday I decided I would 'test' some of the points made in class. I decided to take my wife out shopping and in the car I asked her about her dreams and hobbies. While I did know some of the answers, I suppose I was surprised by a few others and asked why she didn't do some of the thinsg she wanted, and what could I do to see that a few of them could be met. I just listened and I made suggestions, very conscious of staying neutral. All in all, it went very well, and I conceded to a few of her points and will make some changes shortly...and I'm actually okay with them.
In the end she seemed happier, and I too admit I was a bit happier. And best of all, at least for the last few days, she has been very civil and generous to me in return. I hope it lasts. I continue to pray to that she will become closer to God and maybe attend church with me more often. Not only for her sake, but mine as well. Even though things seem like they may be getting better in my marriage, my faith at times and my own self doubts still silenty shake me to my core.
I really am bad when I am alone for too long. Despite all the recent progress, other thoughts plague me and secretely depress me. I've been thinking about death a lot again lately. Not just my own, but that of my wife, and my parents, and grandparents....and I truly question if I will see them in heaven let alone myself in heaven some day. I'm sure it's the enemy trying to impede my faith and growth with God, but I secretly am terrified.
Sometimes I pray that the Lord will take me before my wife. I don't think I'd fare very well with that type of loneliness later on. I have a step-daughter, who doesn't live with us anylonger, and while I know my step-daughter may 'like' me, I know I can never achieve the same sort of affectiosn she gives her natural father. At times I cannot help but feel she looks to me as if I am just some grown up baby sitter. I fear that if my wife passes before me, my step-daughter will drift away soon never to contact or check up on me. With no brothers or sisters or children of my own, I see myself dying alone in a home were only the neighbors or a bill collector discovers me from either the smell or the some other sign that something is askew.
I know that sounds horribly morbid, but I really can't control my thoughts and wonder why they plague me. Why do these thoughts take hold within my head and drive me to tears at times? I seriously think there is something wrong with me at times, as I can't help shake feeling so alone despite my current family and friends. Some one say enjoy everyday, every moment now, but I can't help but be realistic in knowing that someday these things will be removed from my life without my say and I am terrified of that day getting closer and closer with every hour that passes on the clock.
1 comment:
I love the way you've written it... its so easy to identify with and I've faced some of the "third party pointing out..." issues.. It feels good to read your blog.
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