Broken and Blessed

"You show me a man or woman who has been broken and I'll show you a person who has great potential to serve God." (God is in control, -Charles Stanley)

Yes, this may make sense to some and logical on the surface at first glance, but I am not sure I agree in totality.

As Mr. Stanley goes on, he explains that only when man is at his lowest can he truly appreciate the blessings and plans God has in store for each of us when we cry out and recognize Him, His love, and His mercy for us.

I'm not sure Mr. Stanley has been in my shoes or those of numerous others who 'love' God, yet do feel abandoned at times. Unfortunately for all of us, this domain is not Paradise as described in the Bible. This realm we currently inhabit is a result of the fall of man, and Satan has dominion over the earth and can influence, manipulate, deceive, etc. in order to plant doubt within our heads.

I'm not proud to admit that I have succumbed to doubt on numerous ocassions, and it may not be predicated on my faith alone. Studies have shown that people, even those strong in God, can be subject to chemical imbalances in the brain that may cause depression and other associated feelings of the negative variety.

I know from my own personal experience, I have felt 'broken' on more than one occassion this last year or two, and I'm not sure I was in any shape for myself or as an example to any other that I had great potential to serve God. As a matter of fact, I often wondered where God was at all, and when it seemed all too silent, my paranoia, fears, emotions, depressions sank even lower. I actually wonder how close I was to the 'edge' I really was before I could have snapped. As bad as things were on my really bad days, I am glad they didn't get worse, but in all honesty I wonder how much further I could sink. I even recognized the potential to sink even further. Only God knows how close I was to cashing it all in on myself. Saying goodbye to all I cared about.

And during all this self-loathing, I felt alone. No matter how much prayer I tried.....it seemed to go nowhere. So how could I have served the Lord? How much potential did I have? For arguments sake, let's say I did indeed have potential....but in all practicality, I was numb and useless and nowhere close to being used by God. I even think it's better that I wasn't used lest I give horrible advice or say something in anger or biterness or sadness. Surely these were the exact thoughts lingering in my own head.

So only at your lowest do you have potential to serve God? On the contrary, thats when I think people even with shaky faith get desperate. Logic, care, rationality goes out the window. Thsi is when the Enemy strikes and lures us away with the easier path....the road less travled...the easy way out. I just want the pain and heartache to stop. Of course I want God there with me, but when he appears to be silent, I'm not sure I want to wait around for the life lesson as suggested. No...I want out now, and I am 'tempted', whether it be violence or alcohol or self-pity or eternal sleep to make it stop.

However, to give the author credit, it's only when you begin to pull yourself up by the bootstraps does one allow for the time of reflection to note God can use you. As long as your are willing that is. I look to Him now, myself, just to fill in the voids and gaps within my own life. When the chips are down and at least stabilized, and when I remember, I ask or talk to God to help fill the dull pockets of my existance. That doesn't mean I always understand, or rejoice in Him...it means there are pockets of my life that need filling, and I commune with God to help pass the time....at least until the next tribulation. I can only hope that the tribulations get further and further apart, that God fills in the times more frequently, and throught this frequency I re-learn happiness and joy. No one said it was going to be easy or short. It's in His timing, as long as He sees that I am fit and can handle it.