Do not Fear

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

I couldn't help it. Yesterday I sat in church, in the back row which I usually do...alone. Not just alone in person, but with my thoughts as well. The Enemy struck hard at my spitritual defenses yesterday, as I had already awoken with stress, little sleep, and mounting frustration. By the time I sat down, my mind was everywhere else but on God. Thoughts of insecurity, anger, running away, and sexual matters (to name just a few) were zooming around in my head like a whirlwind and I could feel the tears wanting to well up within my eyes.

And then, this verse came up on the screen, and finally it felt like a hammer found its target right between my eyes. This was to be my verse for the day, and also a realization of my failings.

I couldn't hold back any longer. I cried and was embarrased....and alone in front of my God....broken. Broken is such a weird way to explain it, but I cannot think of any other right now, and to think that I am broken, at least in the head if not in the spirit, is also disturbing. I wonder often as I am sure so many others do, why God allows for mental anxiety and chemical imbalances to any of his children and creations. Perhaps mine is a mild case, but everyone reacts differently and people all have varying degrees of what they can handle before they snap. I feel that my life this last year has been like a rubber band. Somedays it stretches more so than others, but eventually the elasticity begins to wane, or under great pressure, the rubber band does snap.

Yesterday was the accumulation of the prior weeks stressors, and my personal rubber band was stretched to its limit....I just wanted release. Even in Church, where I look for Peace, I recognize that Satan knows he won the week. My spirit was held together with bubble gum and duct tape. I wanted the easy way out, and my eyes were not on God. I was sitting in my pew, angry at everything and everyone and wanting a drink...an alcohol laced one that is. I also had thoughts of sexual desires....temptations....again to get my mind off of God and take the easy road.

It was then again, I read this verse and it sucked all the wind out of my sails....not that I had much to begin with anyway. I was dismayed, I had no more strength, and I did fear. I feared a lot.

After the service I felt the compulsion to talk to someone. A stranger. For my family and my friends, and even my 'shrink' aren't helping me right now. I spoke with a stranger and recounted the last week...my anger, my frustration, my insecurities, my fear....and I broke down. I bawled as he listened, and then he confided within me...that all men, including himself have had very similar circumstances. Perhaps it was the Enemy, or perhaps God wants my attention...despertly enough...that he wishes me to be fully broken in order for me to finally let go and submit to all the issues of the world, so that He can point out that I can't fix these things without His help. I must be broken completely to be built back up. While I do understand this concept, and it does make sense, I wasn't prepared nor sure if I am even now, that this is the course of action that is planned for me.

If it is...then it sucks.

I am tired of crying. I am tired of fear. I am tired of my anger. I am tired of being tired and tired wondering if my prayers are indeed inadequate and if I am actually letting go. I must submit 100%. 95% isn't enough, nor is 98%. It must be 100% or else I haven't completely submitted or given up control...and thus I cannot survive mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Jesus,....Lord.....please uphold me with your righteous hand and rebuild me and let your peace comfort me and be an example to others....to use my own story as a testamonial as I do not wish this pain on anyone.