*Sigh*...I had to prepare a 4 page rough draft and provide to my lawyer a document on "all things fair and equal". In other words a line by line, item by item list of all major/minor appliances, furniture sets, decor, collections, and everything in between on what I think is fair market value, what I am willing to give up, and what I am willing to negotiate for or split 'fairly'.
I am being very liberal, and if my wife is smart, she will not fight me and realize I am actually being more than fair, handing over things to her that I don't really care about or have no energy to squabble over.
The time to do this is now as well, as her funds are dried up, and all things considered probably doesn't have the money to drag this out or want lengthy court costs. If she wants to be petty, argumentative, or vindictive, it's gonna cost her money she just doesn't have.
And I know her parents do not want to store any of her stuff (hence the reason it is still in my garage). So either they will have to capitulate, or she will have to rent a storage unit....an additional cost she cannot afford.
I urged my lawyer to review as soon as possible, contact me with any concerns, additions, subtractions, etc....but that we (I) need to get this show on the road and get this over with. I am entering my 8th month now, and I really need to start my life again.
I need to know what my financial future holds and if I do indeed have to pay alimony, let me start now so I can have it over (4 years) as soon as possible.
My friends and family are encouraging me, standing by me, supporting me. My faith on the spiritual side is a bit more complex....some days are better than others, His will be done. Christmas is only 4 weeks away, so I need to prepare myself for the emotional storm that is ahead of me if Thanksgiving was any indication on how hard things will be.
One day at a time.....One day at a time.
November 29, 2012
November 27, 2012
Thanksgrieving
So this is what the beginning of the holiday season is starting to feel like during a seperation.
It sucks.
Thanksgiving was a little tough for me. It was the first time in 10 years I had not spent with my wifes family. No large meal at tables that seat almost 15+. No nephews. No daughter. It also just happened to be my Mother-in-laws birthday. As much as it hurt to pick up the phone, I went ahead and called her cell phone (she didn't pick up) and left her a Happy Birthday message (I also have received no reply).
While the "no reply" is understandable...I'm a bit dissapointed and hurt on how things have now turned sour on their end (not mine) and I have fallen out of favor despite the fact I'm not the one with the myriad of issues and decades worths of poor decision making.
So I walked my dog, caught up on some taped shows, went to the gym and tried to keep myself as busy as possible until I was to meet my parents at 4pm. By the time 4pm rolled around, I would have already been at my inlaws for a couple of hours, helping my Father-in-law cook as I've done the last 10 years. Now I am at home, alone, sitting idle.
My parents and I went to one of their friends house for Thanksgiving for the first time. It was nice, but it just wasn't the same to me. I was a little quiet and reserved. Despite everyones good intentions and the feast in front of us offered up in love...my mind sometimes drifted elsewhere....to the Thanksgiving I was not at.
But one thought did occur to me (and more than once): I missed my inlaws, my nephews, my daughter, my extended family.....but I didn't so much miss my wife. I didn't miss her smoking, nor did I miss her trying to embarass me with lame (and oft exagerated) stories of the past, or watching her down glass after glass of wine.
I was home by 7:30pm that night, watched a bit more TV, and went to bed.
It was Saturday evening, around 10:45pm that my cell phone rang. I wasn't really thinking when I reached for it, nor did I look at the display, but when I answered after being hypnotized from the TV I realized it was my wife.
She told me once again that she missed me. That her Thanksgiving just wasn't the same without me there. While that was nice to here on one hand, it opened up the wounds that I had experienced just a couple days before, and also reminded me of last years Thanksgiving when my wife had already started a her downward spiral and embarrassed me and herself and our marriage was holding together by a strand.
And as if on cue, the conversation became a 1 way conversation. Where she spoke and I listened, but everytime I tried to say something I was cut off, interupted, or challenged. Yup...she still doesn't get it. She says she does, but deep down, I don't think so. According to her it was everyone elses actions that led to her actions of rebellion (I.E. everybody else made her this way...it's everyone elses fault even though she recognizes she screwed up).
She then changed her story about leaving me. She said it was only meant to be for two weeks, to clear her head. I call B.S. She packed up a hell of a lot more than 2 weeks of clothing and personal items. Items no one would take with them for just 2-weeks if they intended to come back. Hell, I didn't even know where she was for almost the 1st two weeks. And now, after 8 months she tells now tells me it was only to be for 2 weeks? B.S.
Her cash job ends in less than 2 weeks from now. Said she was given notice by the owner her last day would be the end of the month.
She continued to talk for a while, because Lord knows I couldn't get a word in, so I finally just said "I'm hanging up." and I did at 11:45. I was on that phone for 30 minutes, and for 25 of those minutes she did all the talking, saying how she changed, how I'm not giving her a chance, that she misses me, etc., etc. The thing is, I'll admit I started to sway a bit. I started allowing my emotions to rule over logic. I started to rethink everything yet again, my co-dependancy kicking in, and thinking "she can be fixed." I had to get off the phone, especially since she cut me off at every turn. Looking back..that in itself is a sign of zero respect towards me. No there may have been 'surface improvements', but deep down to her it's everyone else's fault, she's not paying her bills, she got let go again from a job.
I cannot ever be sure if she really does love me or if I am just a security blanket to be used and abused and in 6 months to a year from now everything returns to the same 'ole, same 'ole.
The last 8 years in my neighborhood, all the neighbors put their Christmas lights that day after Thanksgiving. We all go out, help each other, have a few beers, and make an afternoon out of it.
This year, only 1 neighbor put his lights up. No one else (even today), and I'm not really in the mood to do it either. Nor am I in the mood to decorate inside. No garland, no lights, no ornaments. It seems like a hassle for just one person...me.
Spoke with my lawyer yesterday. He wants me to start my list of negotiation items, room by room, and have to him by this weekend so he can review and send to her lawyer. My parents want this over. They even offered to pay for a 'mediator' just to move this along and have resolution by February so I can move on with my life. I hear them, and don't want to drag it out longer than I have to as well....but if last night nightmare dream of me and my wife is any indication, my emotions and mental health on all this is still raw. I do well, and then she calls me up...and I'm ruined for the next few days all over again.
Sucks.
It sucks.
Thanksgiving was a little tough for me. It was the first time in 10 years I had not spent with my wifes family. No large meal at tables that seat almost 15+. No nephews. No daughter. It also just happened to be my Mother-in-laws birthday. As much as it hurt to pick up the phone, I went ahead and called her cell phone (she didn't pick up) and left her a Happy Birthday message (I also have received no reply).
While the "no reply" is understandable...I'm a bit dissapointed and hurt on how things have now turned sour on their end (not mine) and I have fallen out of favor despite the fact I'm not the one with the myriad of issues and decades worths of poor decision making.
So I walked my dog, caught up on some taped shows, went to the gym and tried to keep myself as busy as possible until I was to meet my parents at 4pm. By the time 4pm rolled around, I would have already been at my inlaws for a couple of hours, helping my Father-in-law cook as I've done the last 10 years. Now I am at home, alone, sitting idle.
My parents and I went to one of their friends house for Thanksgiving for the first time. It was nice, but it just wasn't the same to me. I was a little quiet and reserved. Despite everyones good intentions and the feast in front of us offered up in love...my mind sometimes drifted elsewhere....to the Thanksgiving I was not at.
But one thought did occur to me (and more than once): I missed my inlaws, my nephews, my daughter, my extended family.....but I didn't so much miss my wife. I didn't miss her smoking, nor did I miss her trying to embarass me with lame (and oft exagerated) stories of the past, or watching her down glass after glass of wine.
I was home by 7:30pm that night, watched a bit more TV, and went to bed.
It was Saturday evening, around 10:45pm that my cell phone rang. I wasn't really thinking when I reached for it, nor did I look at the display, but when I answered after being hypnotized from the TV I realized it was my wife.
She told me once again that she missed me. That her Thanksgiving just wasn't the same without me there. While that was nice to here on one hand, it opened up the wounds that I had experienced just a couple days before, and also reminded me of last years Thanksgiving when my wife had already started a her downward spiral and embarrassed me and herself and our marriage was holding together by a strand.
And as if on cue, the conversation became a 1 way conversation. Where she spoke and I listened, but everytime I tried to say something I was cut off, interupted, or challenged. Yup...she still doesn't get it. She says she does, but deep down, I don't think so. According to her it was everyone elses actions that led to her actions of rebellion (I.E. everybody else made her this way...it's everyone elses fault even though she recognizes she screwed up).
She then changed her story about leaving me. She said it was only meant to be for two weeks, to clear her head. I call B.S. She packed up a hell of a lot more than 2 weeks of clothing and personal items. Items no one would take with them for just 2-weeks if they intended to come back. Hell, I didn't even know where she was for almost the 1st two weeks. And now, after 8 months she tells now tells me it was only to be for 2 weeks? B.S.
Her cash job ends in less than 2 weeks from now. Said she was given notice by the owner her last day would be the end of the month.
She continued to talk for a while, because Lord knows I couldn't get a word in, so I finally just said "I'm hanging up." and I did at 11:45. I was on that phone for 30 minutes, and for 25 of those minutes she did all the talking, saying how she changed, how I'm not giving her a chance, that she misses me, etc., etc. The thing is, I'll admit I started to sway a bit. I started allowing my emotions to rule over logic. I started to rethink everything yet again, my co-dependancy kicking in, and thinking "she can be fixed." I had to get off the phone, especially since she cut me off at every turn. Looking back..that in itself is a sign of zero respect towards me. No there may have been 'surface improvements', but deep down to her it's everyone else's fault, she's not paying her bills, she got let go again from a job.
I cannot ever be sure if she really does love me or if I am just a security blanket to be used and abused and in 6 months to a year from now everything returns to the same 'ole, same 'ole.
The last 8 years in my neighborhood, all the neighbors put their Christmas lights that day after Thanksgiving. We all go out, help each other, have a few beers, and make an afternoon out of it.
This year, only 1 neighbor put his lights up. No one else (even today), and I'm not really in the mood to do it either. Nor am I in the mood to decorate inside. No garland, no lights, no ornaments. It seems like a hassle for just one person...me.
Spoke with my lawyer yesterday. He wants me to start my list of negotiation items, room by room, and have to him by this weekend so he can review and send to her lawyer. My parents want this over. They even offered to pay for a 'mediator' just to move this along and have resolution by February so I can move on with my life. I hear them, and don't want to drag it out longer than I have to as well....but if last night nightmare dream of me and my wife is any indication, my emotions and mental health on all this is still raw. I do well, and then she calls me up...and I'm ruined for the next few days all over again.
Sucks.
November 15, 2012
And it drags on
Sometimes it is takes all of what little energy I have left not to stand up in the middle of the day, look to the heavens, scream, and just go home.
Divorce is so, so ugly.
And not because I dislike the other person, hate them, wish them ill, seek retribution, or to get even. A lot of times I just wish I would wake up to find the last few years was a bad dream and didn't take place at all.
Yesterday, my lawyer contacted me and wanted to know what I wanted to do as my next step.
Huh?
The last time I spoke with him was 3.5 weeks ago, and I told him lets go for a settlement and he's said he start drafting the papers. I have this in writing as we generally exchange emails. I read his email again, thinking I may have missed something or read it wrong. Nope...I let it it sink in for a few minutes.
For the last 3.5 weeks I was under the impression he was moving forward and preparing a draft to present to her lawyer. Back when we started this whole thing in April, I made it very clear...I want this wrapped up by the holidays.
Well, it is quite apparant to me that nothing got done the last few weeks. Nothing. It's like my whole divorce proceeding went on sabbatical and no one bothered to tell me.
So I called him up. "What the hell man? I thought my last communication with you, Oct 16, made it bery clear."
"Well, I suggest you talk to your wife and try to negotiate things so we can avoid court."
WTF? Why didn't you make that clear to me back then? I made a whoel list of what I wanted, and was very liveral in my concessions to her, just to let her go and be happy. I was more than fair, giving/offering her "stuff" I either don't need, don't care about, or things I bought before our marriage I am letting go for free....no strings attached.
Sigh...so 3.5 weeks wasted irked me to begin with, so I took a chance to call her. I wanted to be cordial, to be nice. Asked her how her day is going. Didn't ask her for any money, even the stuff she offered and never paid. I didn't even mention how the CC companies began calling the house again looking for her.
I explained to her the situation. She said, "Go to court."
What? You want to spend money you don't have, or don't need too just so you can get, what, satisfaction of vengenance you think you desrve?
Pretty much.
She then went on to tell me how I am not giving her a chance. That she fixed herself, but I am being stubborn, and I need therapy in actuality.
What? You spent 7 days playing with crayons at a ranch, and not even for alcohol. And I need fixing? You think that you're fixed? You forgive me? WHAT?? Um, this conversation right here shows me that infact you aren't fixed, because YOU ARE IN SO MUCH DENIAL, and as USUAL, it is EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT, not yours.
I then pointed out that in fact the banks were calling for her, and she said "These things take time." Are you kidding me? How is it it took me 2 days to get all my crap resteeled with the banks and CC companies....and it is taking you 8 months? Do you even hear yourself? Are you really that disconnected? This is what I am talking about...it takes any 'normal' person 20 minutes of phone calls one day to get this shit straightened out...you are 8 months into it, and you haven't even tried. Is that how you changed? If so, you need to tell your parents to go back to the ranch and demand their money back.
And of course she "says" she forgives me for things and let the past be the past, but every discussion I've had with her....guess where we go? BINGO...she brings up the past. Yeah, you've really let go of it, and yeah, your really learned foregiveness. Unbelievable.
I was a little mad when I got off the phone with her, but as the day wore on, I came to realize she really hasn't changed deep down. She may have on the surface, or at least for appearance sake for the benefit of her parents and sister...but she is still irresponsible (perhaps not drunk), still doesn't understand foregiveness or the concept of moving on, still has a warped sense of reality...oh, and to top it all off, she's leaving the "dream" job in three weeks she was so excited about in August. And no back up in place right now.
Yeah, and you want me to take you back...In three weeks you will have no job....again....by your own design. Now with no unemeployment, no healthcare, and debt. Too bad you didn't listen to your "idiot" husband and family back when the advice was free.
If anything, I am depressed I was so blind despite all the warnings, that this person lives in her own universe.
Divorce is so, so ugly.
And not because I dislike the other person, hate them, wish them ill, seek retribution, or to get even. A lot of times I just wish I would wake up to find the last few years was a bad dream and didn't take place at all.
Yesterday, my lawyer contacted me and wanted to know what I wanted to do as my next step.
Huh?
The last time I spoke with him was 3.5 weeks ago, and I told him lets go for a settlement and he's said he start drafting the papers. I have this in writing as we generally exchange emails. I read his email again, thinking I may have missed something or read it wrong. Nope...I let it it sink in for a few minutes.
For the last 3.5 weeks I was under the impression he was moving forward and preparing a draft to present to her lawyer. Back when we started this whole thing in April, I made it very clear...I want this wrapped up by the holidays.
Well, it is quite apparant to me that nothing got done the last few weeks. Nothing. It's like my whole divorce proceeding went on sabbatical and no one bothered to tell me.
So I called him up. "What the hell man? I thought my last communication with you, Oct 16, made it bery clear."
"Well, I suggest you talk to your wife and try to negotiate things so we can avoid court."
WTF? Why didn't you make that clear to me back then? I made a whoel list of what I wanted, and was very liveral in my concessions to her, just to let her go and be happy. I was more than fair, giving/offering her "stuff" I either don't need, don't care about, or things I bought before our marriage I am letting go for free....no strings attached.
Sigh...so 3.5 weeks wasted irked me to begin with, so I took a chance to call her. I wanted to be cordial, to be nice. Asked her how her day is going. Didn't ask her for any money, even the stuff she offered and never paid. I didn't even mention how the CC companies began calling the house again looking for her.
I explained to her the situation. She said, "Go to court."
What? You want to spend money you don't have, or don't need too just so you can get, what, satisfaction of vengenance you think you desrve?
Pretty much.
She then went on to tell me how I am not giving her a chance. That she fixed herself, but I am being stubborn, and I need therapy in actuality.
What? You spent 7 days playing with crayons at a ranch, and not even for alcohol. And I need fixing? You think that you're fixed? You forgive me? WHAT?? Um, this conversation right here shows me that infact you aren't fixed, because YOU ARE IN SO MUCH DENIAL, and as USUAL, it is EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT, not yours.
I then pointed out that in fact the banks were calling for her, and she said "These things take time." Are you kidding me? How is it it took me 2 days to get all my crap resteeled with the banks and CC companies....and it is taking you 8 months? Do you even hear yourself? Are you really that disconnected? This is what I am talking about...it takes any 'normal' person 20 minutes of phone calls one day to get this shit straightened out...you are 8 months into it, and you haven't even tried. Is that how you changed? If so, you need to tell your parents to go back to the ranch and demand their money back.
And of course she "says" she forgives me for things and let the past be the past, but every discussion I've had with her....guess where we go? BINGO...she brings up the past. Yeah, you've really let go of it, and yeah, your really learned foregiveness. Unbelievable.
I was a little mad when I got off the phone with her, but as the day wore on, I came to realize she really hasn't changed deep down. She may have on the surface, or at least for appearance sake for the benefit of her parents and sister...but she is still irresponsible (perhaps not drunk), still doesn't understand foregiveness or the concept of moving on, still has a warped sense of reality...oh, and to top it all off, she's leaving the "dream" job in three weeks she was so excited about in August. And no back up in place right now.
Yeah, and you want me to take you back...In three weeks you will have no job....again....by your own design. Now with no unemeployment, no healthcare, and debt. Too bad you didn't listen to your "idiot" husband and family back when the advice was free.
If anything, I am depressed I was so blind despite all the warnings, that this person lives in her own universe.
October 31, 2012
Vacation Needed
This last week, I've been really craving some time away from home, and work, and family.
I haven't been on a real vacation in years. When I say real vacation, I mean out of state or country to someplace new I've never been too before for more than an extended weekend.
The last 3 day weekend I had away from home, with friends, was July 2011...and it rained 1/2 the time, and was only 1.5 hours away from home.
I really just want to decompress for a few days, and I don't mean sitting at home watching Nteflix and throwing back an occassional beer here and there.
No, I want to sit out on a balcony and watch the sun set. I want to experience a nice meal at a fancy restaraunt. I want to sleep in a cozy bed without having to get up at 6am to feed the dog. And probably most importantly....I want to sit in a jacuzzi, close my eyes, and feel the warm water melt away the tension that has plagued me for so many months.
I saw this picture and feel this may be the place to go for a few days. If not now, then when? That's the big issue. When? I have to stop worrying about what other people think of me, under their watchful eyes for me to make a misstep or a wrong move and just live MY life. F 'em.
October 29, 2012
Annoying tension
I had anotehr fabulous weekend for all intents and purposes, but today I could use one of my anxiety pills, and I'm not sure why I can't just 'let go'.
Last Thursday was my 9 year anniversary. My estranged wife spent time with her friends...I stayed home. I ignored her text earlier in the day, and the stupid photo she posted about sunsets are sometimes more than sunsets.
Whatev's....
Saturday I was super tired and in bed by 9:30 due to a lack of sleep from the night before. I actually slept in until about 8am Sunday, which is even more reare for me. My pup is doing fine after a minor procedure and we took a late morning walk after church. My wife was at my SIL/BIL's house, whooping it up at their annual costume party (My secret: - I don't care.)
Then yesterday afternoon I spent time with my old grammar school chums. We had a ball telling stories and jokes while sampling some microbrews and wings. It was a great day by any standard.
Then today, my ex called me at 10:00 am knowing that I am at work. Why do I allow myself to get sucked into these calls? For the next 20 minutes I heard how she changed. I'll admit....it did tug at my heart-strings a bit, but I didn't budge. I didn't waver.
These conversations are getting very repetitive, and irritating. But I do understand she is trying to 'reconcile'. I told her today, blunty, that I'm glad she believes she has changed, but again, I went down a laundry list of reasons as to why I am making this stand. I could not be any clearer today that I am protecting myself, bith financially and emotionally. That I will not be walked on again, taking advantage of, be anyone's door mat. I am not going to work until I am 70 years old to continue to her out and her history or repetitive bad decisions.
Maybe she has changed....if so, let the next guy revel in it.
No, after my BIL pulled his calling stunt a month back and then my MIL seemingly turned on me telling me I wasn't a Christian.
She asked me why I wasn't giving her a chance. I told her I gave her numerous chances, more so than any sane man would have (so says her own father), only for her to reject them over and over and over again and put herself first. Above her husband. Above her marriage. Above her child. Abover her responsibilities. Above God.
No..she hates the fact she is living with her parents at 42. She hates the fact I'm not there to talk down to. She hates the fact that I grew a set. She hates the fact that I can seemingly function without her. She hates the fact she has to tell any future suitors she had 2 failed marriages by age 41. She hates the fact that I am going out with friends and her parents are keeping an eye on her. Of course she's on her best behavior....now.
But that doesn't stop the anxiety within me. She has always had the ability to go for my emotional jugular. Deep down I am a softie. She knows that. I know that.
Well, you can blame your sister for my new found fortitude. She's the one that told me and my parents that I needed to grow a pair of balls. You're just surprised I took her advice and began to actually grow them.
Last Thursday was my 9 year anniversary. My estranged wife spent time with her friends...I stayed home. I ignored her text earlier in the day, and the stupid photo she posted about sunsets are sometimes more than sunsets.
Whatev's....
Saturday I was super tired and in bed by 9:30 due to a lack of sleep from the night before. I actually slept in until about 8am Sunday, which is even more reare for me. My pup is doing fine after a minor procedure and we took a late morning walk after church. My wife was at my SIL/BIL's house, whooping it up at their annual costume party (My secret: - I don't care.)
Then yesterday afternoon I spent time with my old grammar school chums. We had a ball telling stories and jokes while sampling some microbrews and wings. It was a great day by any standard.
Then today, my ex called me at 10:00 am knowing that I am at work. Why do I allow myself to get sucked into these calls? For the next 20 minutes I heard how she changed. I'll admit....it did tug at my heart-strings a bit, but I didn't budge. I didn't waver.
These conversations are getting very repetitive, and irritating. But I do understand she is trying to 'reconcile'. I told her today, blunty, that I'm glad she believes she has changed, but again, I went down a laundry list of reasons as to why I am making this stand. I could not be any clearer today that I am protecting myself, bith financially and emotionally. That I will not be walked on again, taking advantage of, be anyone's door mat. I am not going to work until I am 70 years old to continue to her out and her history or repetitive bad decisions.
Maybe she has changed....if so, let the next guy revel in it.
No, after my BIL pulled his calling stunt a month back and then my MIL seemingly turned on me telling me I wasn't a Christian.
She asked me why I wasn't giving her a chance. I told her I gave her numerous chances, more so than any sane man would have (so says her own father), only for her to reject them over and over and over again and put herself first. Above her husband. Above her marriage. Above her child. Abover her responsibilities. Above God.
No..she hates the fact she is living with her parents at 42. She hates the fact I'm not there to talk down to. She hates the fact that I grew a set. She hates the fact that I can seemingly function without her. She hates the fact she has to tell any future suitors she had 2 failed marriages by age 41. She hates the fact that I am going out with friends and her parents are keeping an eye on her. Of course she's on her best behavior....now.
But that doesn't stop the anxiety within me. She has always had the ability to go for my emotional jugular. Deep down I am a softie. She knows that. I know that.
Well, you can blame your sister for my new found fortitude. She's the one that told me and my parents that I needed to grow a pair of balls. You're just surprised I took her advice and began to actually grow them.
October 26, 2012
Survived
Today is Friday, and for all intents and purposes I survived yesterday....my 9th wedding anniversary.
I stayed home, made myself some fish and steamed veggies, poured myself a drink, and watched TV with my pooch.
I know she went to a BBQ with some of her friends, (formerly mine I suppose), perhaps to lift her own spirits.
We didn't speak at all yesterday, just the single text from her and my reply. She made one snide remark later in the day, a vieled coded dig about 'sunsets'. I know what she meant, I'm not stupid, but I didn't take the bait.
My aunt called me yesterday on my way home. We had a nice chat about a lot of different things, and I told her what my MIL said to me about being "un-Christian". My aunt borders on being an aetheist and agnostic...religion just isn't for her (something I pray about often, that she becomes saved herself, along with my uncle. They are great people, loving, and caring....just don't like any religion). This revelation really upset my aunt which was a surprise to me. She thought it was both wrong and mean to use my religious beliefs against me the way my MIL did. It actually really upset my aunt...more so that I would have guessed, and of course she said "do not tell your mother this", and I haven't.
My mom would go ape-$#it if I told her.
Yeah, kinda embarassing for a 42 year old man...to have his mom get mixed up into all this. I will tell her someday, but after my divorce is finalized. No reason to shake a hornets nest if I'm smart.
I have to leave early today. My dog...my little boy....is under the knife. He is getting a small cyst removed from his eyelid. He's also having his ears plucked, his teeth cleaned, and his anal glands expressed. Poor guy....no food this morning for him....doctors orders. He'll be put under and will stay at the vets all day until I pick him up for observation. He is 7 years old now, entering middle age. Such is the cycle of life. He has been such a blessing to me. Anyway, I'll be home with home tonight so I can watch him. I'm sure he'll be groggy and in a bit of pain.
I stayed home, made myself some fish and steamed veggies, poured myself a drink, and watched TV with my pooch.
I know she went to a BBQ with some of her friends, (formerly mine I suppose), perhaps to lift her own spirits.
We didn't speak at all yesterday, just the single text from her and my reply. She made one snide remark later in the day, a vieled coded dig about 'sunsets'. I know what she meant, I'm not stupid, but I didn't take the bait.
My aunt called me yesterday on my way home. We had a nice chat about a lot of different things, and I told her what my MIL said to me about being "un-Christian". My aunt borders on being an aetheist and agnostic...religion just isn't for her (something I pray about often, that she becomes saved herself, along with my uncle. They are great people, loving, and caring....just don't like any religion). This revelation really upset my aunt which was a surprise to me. She thought it was both wrong and mean to use my religious beliefs against me the way my MIL did. It actually really upset my aunt...more so that I would have guessed, and of course she said "do not tell your mother this", and I haven't.
My mom would go ape-$#it if I told her.
Yeah, kinda embarassing for a 42 year old man...to have his mom get mixed up into all this. I will tell her someday, but after my divorce is finalized. No reason to shake a hornets nest if I'm smart.
I have to leave early today. My dog...my little boy....is under the knife. He is getting a small cyst removed from his eyelid. He's also having his ears plucked, his teeth cleaned, and his anal glands expressed. Poor guy....no food this morning for him....doctors orders. He'll be put under and will stay at the vets all day until I pick him up for observation. He is 7 years old now, entering middle age. Such is the cycle of life. He has been such a blessing to me. Anyway, I'll be home with home tonight so I can watch him. I'm sure he'll be groggy and in a bit of pain.
October 25, 2012
Today is....
.....my 9th Anniversary.
And I actually feel quite good, or at least indifferent, and I'm actually proud of myself.
I feared this day for many reasons over the past few months, especially when everything was turned on its head and upside down earlier this year.
Perhaps it the steady stream of medication I'm on, but I am not (at least up to this point of writing) feeling depressed, lonely, or sad.
Oh, that doesn't mean I don't recognize the significance of today and wish things were different, but I suppose in fact I am indeed a stronger person today. Last year at this time we had gone to see her friend for a three day getaway, and while I enjoyed her friends, the food, the conversation....the more I think about it, it sure didn't feel like an Anniversary between husband and wife. We were kind of in a tense spot last year, and spent a long time in the car, both of struggling at times to lighten the overall mood. Not that it was horrible, it's just we were in a tough spot and secretly I wasn't really into it...and I don't think she was either. We were going through the motions of an Anniversary.
Her habits were in full swing, and my frustration and anger was festering under the surface,and even though we were together, I recall feeling alone even though she thanked me for a nice weekend.
I did receive a text from her today this morning: "Have a good day at work and Happy Anniversary."
As I read it, the first thought that came to my mind was "Oh, now you remember."
I purposely didn't respond at first. I didn't know what to say. My gut instinct was to ignore it, but if I did, I know I'm just setting myself up for getting additional texts throughout the day accusing me of being cold, ignoring, or worse.
"Thank you, and have a nice day as well." is all I could muster. Then I made myself breakfast, a cup of coffee, took my meds and went to work.
I'm okay today.
And I actually feel quite good, or at least indifferent, and I'm actually proud of myself.
I feared this day for many reasons over the past few months, especially when everything was turned on its head and upside down earlier this year.
Perhaps it the steady stream of medication I'm on, but I am not (at least up to this point of writing) feeling depressed, lonely, or sad.
Oh, that doesn't mean I don't recognize the significance of today and wish things were different, but I suppose in fact I am indeed a stronger person today. Last year at this time we had gone to see her friend for a three day getaway, and while I enjoyed her friends, the food, the conversation....the more I think about it, it sure didn't feel like an Anniversary between husband and wife. We were kind of in a tense spot last year, and spent a long time in the car, both of struggling at times to lighten the overall mood. Not that it was horrible, it's just we were in a tough spot and secretly I wasn't really into it...and I don't think she was either. We were going through the motions of an Anniversary.
Her habits were in full swing, and my frustration and anger was festering under the surface,and even though we were together, I recall feeling alone even though she thanked me for a nice weekend.
I did receive a text from her today this morning: "Have a good day at work and Happy Anniversary."
As I read it, the first thought that came to my mind was "Oh, now you remember."
I purposely didn't respond at first. I didn't know what to say. My gut instinct was to ignore it, but if I did, I know I'm just setting myself up for getting additional texts throughout the day accusing me of being cold, ignoring, or worse.
"Thank you, and have a nice day as well." is all I could muster. Then I made myself breakfast, a cup of coffee, took my meds and went to work.
I'm okay today.
October 23, 2012
Surprise Review
Today I had my 6 month review at work. We have these little one-on-one PDS (Personnel Development System) twice a year to guage how we are doing and part of our bonus (if we get one) is based on this.
Well, I walked in today at had an email from my boss that she wanted to see me.
Deep down, I was a little nervous I suppose. As much as I try to leave my personal life outside of work, it is almost impossible to do without my placid facade cracking from time to time.
As much as I have tried to keeps things tidy and under wraps for the benefit of my work place environment, most of my coworkers have kind of figured out that my marriage dissolving.
It was a nice surprise to hear my boss give me some positive reviews, even a few 'Exceeding Expectations' on a few projects. This will translate into an 'okay' bonus at the sometime next month. Lord knows I need it as my lawyer just hit me up for another $300 because of my wife's silly questions.
And at the very least it signifies that I'll be here for at least the next 6 months, safely.
So...Yay.
The otehr good news is that an old Elementary School classmate is scheduling a reunion of many of us who grew up together during that time. She just created the event yesterday, and invited close to 25 people. It's been 24 hours and already 9 people agreed to go, and otehrs are already looking into flights and hotels. How awesome is that?
And it also falls on my birthday. What a great birthday for a change....I will be with my closest friends of 30 years for a change, and not disapointed by someone who thought of herself for once.
Well, I walked in today at had an email from my boss that she wanted to see me.
Deep down, I was a little nervous I suppose. As much as I try to leave my personal life outside of work, it is almost impossible to do without my placid facade cracking from time to time.
As much as I have tried to keeps things tidy and under wraps for the benefit of my work place environment, most of my coworkers have kind of figured out that my marriage dissolving.
It was a nice surprise to hear my boss give me some positive reviews, even a few 'Exceeding Expectations' on a few projects. This will translate into an 'okay' bonus at the sometime next month. Lord knows I need it as my lawyer just hit me up for another $300 because of my wife's silly questions.
And at the very least it signifies that I'll be here for at least the next 6 months, safely.
So...Yay.
The otehr good news is that an old Elementary School classmate is scheduling a reunion of many of us who grew up together during that time. She just created the event yesterday, and invited close to 25 people. It's been 24 hours and already 9 people agreed to go, and otehrs are already looking into flights and hotels. How awesome is that?
And it also falls on my birthday. What a great birthday for a change....I will be with my closest friends of 30 years for a change, and not disapointed by someone who thought of herself for once.
October 15, 2012
A New Dawn
This past weekend (Friday evening, Saturday, Sunday) was probably one of the best weekends I've had in what seems like forever.
I was relaxed, took in some sights, and visited some old stomping grounds of mine that I hadn't been to in years, and I was all smiles and forgot aout everything else.
I did something new and unheard of....even for me. I went to a sports tavern last night and watched the Sunday Night game (Green Bay vs Texans) with others and not only had a great time, I was even clapping and hooting and holloring at times along with everyone else.
And what made it special? Well a few diffrent things:
- I went with a new group of friends, not the same old regulars I generally hang out with. So there was no pretense about answering questions everyone else always seem to inquire about.
- I broke out of my regular weekend routine. Oh, I still did chores and grocery shopped, but I put away time and challenged myself to get out there.
- I visted some old haunts that I hadn't really taken the time to visit or enjoy in years. They may have changed a bit here and there, but for all intenst and purposes they brought back memories from my single days.
- I took in the sunset, walked about town, sat down on the grass and looked up at the sky...daydreaming on clouds.
- And probably most importantly, I let my guard down and allowed myself to be happy and relaxed. And it worked.
I didn't text back.
Nope I'm finally having a good time with new friends and with some trepidation, picking up a pen to start a new chapter and I'm not gonna start a texting conversation in the midst of it. Nope, you had your chance.
I also decided to take a day off this Friday and meet another friend for lunch mid-day and walk around a little artist community. And then that evening I will be watching Prometheus with yet another friend who asked me not to watch it until she could watch it with me as well.
Weird....last week I was crying on Monday and today I'm in one of the best moods. Thank you Jesus.
October 11, 2012
Mental Illness Awareness Week: Oct 7-13
I meant to bring this to everyones attention yesterday, but I simply forgot.
As someone who grew up not believing in a lot of mental health conditions except the obvious ones that troubled people displayed, I didn't think about it much. I honestly thought that a lot of things were 'made up' or 'convienent excuses' to get out of a jam or shirk responsibilities.
I even thought that ADD was a 'made-up' condition, because I never heard about it prior to the late 90's, and my parents and grandparents never heard of it either. To me, it was more about lazy parents who weren't disciplining their children, using the TV as a surrogate parent, and too many sugary snacks, and inconsistent rules at home. For the most part, I still think that way.
I really do believe it is a rampant excuse, all too easy to diagnose and write a prescription for. Back in '02 or was it '03, I was feeling a little depressed and at the urging of some friends, I went to see a clinical shrink. Mind you, I've never been to one before and never had met this person before either. We had a sit down talk that lasted all of 15 minutes, and at the end he 'diagnosed' me with ADD.
What? I was in my early 30's then, and some quack who just met me 20 minutes prior was ready to put me on medication. That's why I'm not so sure about the 'inflated' numbers being touted around in this country for those with 'mental' challenges.
That being said, I do indeed believe there are people with issues, and should not be as easily dismissed as I once would have done. While I do not believe I have ADD, I do believe that I suffer from bouts of depression. And I know it can be debilitating no matter what a person looks like on the outside.
I'm a physically fit man, who watches his diet, doesn't smoke, never did drugs, comes from a loving family, and knows God. But I have struggled with depression off and on for the greater part of the last 20 years. It has affected my sleeping patterns, my mood, my appetite, my anxiety and more. I've had outright panic attacks that have crippled me in public and made it hard to breath, wondering if I was suffering a mild heart attack or not. I have been laughing one minute, only to curl up in a fetal position the next, crying uncontrollably. I have day dreamed of running away, and I will admit to you I have often asked God (in the past) to take me while I'm asleep because I have felt inconsequential at times, and at others that this whole thing called 'life' was pointless.
At those times, I longed to be in heaven because I was tired of my fellow human beings. Tired of the never ending bad news. Sick of broken hearts, broken promises, broken words, and the depravity of people. I longed to be somewhere else where there are no more tears or emotional pain. I still feel this at times, but not as strongly.
I take medication now. And have been off and on for quiet some time. It's a double edge, but necessary sword. The pills can numb you, and you can tell, I won't lie. But when off of them, the axe of depression can come down hard.
What am I trying to say today?
Well, that I have changed my view and perspective on these things, and I think it is important that if you feel any inkling, even the smallest itch that maybe something may not be jiving in your own life.....don't be afraid to check it out with a doctor or two. Talk to someone. Do some research like I did. Get involved in a group of some sort. It doesn't have to be all touchy feely, and you don't have to feel ashamed or a pariah. More people suffer from various types of mental illness than one could guess....we as a society have learned to hide it well, and bury those thoughts and feeling down....but at a cost: It could be health issues (as I experienced), or unhealthy relationships, or constant mood swings.
You don't have to be missing a chromosome, have a birth defect, or be a survivor of a tragic head injury to have a degree of 'mental illness'. The term is very broad, and God didn't create his perfect creation to suffer. We suffer because we think our willpower and the ability to fix things is greater than Him. Because this is a sinful world, corrupt, and has been dying since the days of Adam and Eve. But take heart that it will be restored to its former glory one day sometime in the future where we will know no more tears as death will be conquered and sorrow will have no meaning. Remember, this world is Satan's domain and it doesn't mean there's a guy with a pitchfork and union suit rubbing his hands and laughing at you.
No he accuses you, condemns you, tells you that you are weak and undeserving of health and happiness. He plants the seeds of doubt, and spoils the fruit of your labors. He takes your focus off the simple and joyful things of life and enjoys making things complicated to the point where you want to give up. I know this first hand because I have lived it, and I am human.
What ever your belief system is, go get educated and informed...if not for yourself, then perhaps for a friend or a loved one who is silently suffering. Check out this website: http://www.nami.org/
And try to take it one day at a time. It's easy to say, much harder to do, as I often stumble in my own advice.
As someone who grew up not believing in a lot of mental health conditions except the obvious ones that troubled people displayed, I didn't think about it much. I honestly thought that a lot of things were 'made up' or 'convienent excuses' to get out of a jam or shirk responsibilities.
I even thought that ADD was a 'made-up' condition, because I never heard about it prior to the late 90's, and my parents and grandparents never heard of it either. To me, it was more about lazy parents who weren't disciplining their children, using the TV as a surrogate parent, and too many sugary snacks, and inconsistent rules at home. For the most part, I still think that way.
I really do believe it is a rampant excuse, all too easy to diagnose and write a prescription for. Back in '02 or was it '03, I was feeling a little depressed and at the urging of some friends, I went to see a clinical shrink. Mind you, I've never been to one before and never had met this person before either. We had a sit down talk that lasted all of 15 minutes, and at the end he 'diagnosed' me with ADD.
What? I was in my early 30's then, and some quack who just met me 20 minutes prior was ready to put me on medication. That's why I'm not so sure about the 'inflated' numbers being touted around in this country for those with 'mental' challenges.
That being said, I do indeed believe there are people with issues, and should not be as easily dismissed as I once would have done. While I do not believe I have ADD, I do believe that I suffer from bouts of depression. And I know it can be debilitating no matter what a person looks like on the outside.
I'm a physically fit man, who watches his diet, doesn't smoke, never did drugs, comes from a loving family, and knows God. But I have struggled with depression off and on for the greater part of the last 20 years. It has affected my sleeping patterns, my mood, my appetite, my anxiety and more. I've had outright panic attacks that have crippled me in public and made it hard to breath, wondering if I was suffering a mild heart attack or not. I have been laughing one minute, only to curl up in a fetal position the next, crying uncontrollably. I have day dreamed of running away, and I will admit to you I have often asked God (in the past) to take me while I'm asleep because I have felt inconsequential at times, and at others that this whole thing called 'life' was pointless.
At those times, I longed to be in heaven because I was tired of my fellow human beings. Tired of the never ending bad news. Sick of broken hearts, broken promises, broken words, and the depravity of people. I longed to be somewhere else where there are no more tears or emotional pain. I still feel this at times, but not as strongly.
I take medication now. And have been off and on for quiet some time. It's a double edge, but necessary sword. The pills can numb you, and you can tell, I won't lie. But when off of them, the axe of depression can come down hard.
What am I trying to say today?
Well, that I have changed my view and perspective on these things, and I think it is important that if you feel any inkling, even the smallest itch that maybe something may not be jiving in your own life.....don't be afraid to check it out with a doctor or two. Talk to someone. Do some research like I did. Get involved in a group of some sort. It doesn't have to be all touchy feely, and you don't have to feel ashamed or a pariah. More people suffer from various types of mental illness than one could guess....we as a society have learned to hide it well, and bury those thoughts and feeling down....but at a cost: It could be health issues (as I experienced), or unhealthy relationships, or constant mood swings.
You don't have to be missing a chromosome, have a birth defect, or be a survivor of a tragic head injury to have a degree of 'mental illness'. The term is very broad, and God didn't create his perfect creation to suffer. We suffer because we think our willpower and the ability to fix things is greater than Him. Because this is a sinful world, corrupt, and has been dying since the days of Adam and Eve. But take heart that it will be restored to its former glory one day sometime in the future where we will know no more tears as death will be conquered and sorrow will have no meaning. Remember, this world is Satan's domain and it doesn't mean there's a guy with a pitchfork and union suit rubbing his hands and laughing at you.
No he accuses you, condemns you, tells you that you are weak and undeserving of health and happiness. He plants the seeds of doubt, and spoils the fruit of your labors. He takes your focus off the simple and joyful things of life and enjoys making things complicated to the point where you want to give up. I know this first hand because I have lived it, and I am human.
What ever your belief system is, go get educated and informed...if not for yourself, then perhaps for a friend or a loved one who is silently suffering. Check out this website: http://www.nami.org/
And try to take it one day at a time. It's easy to say, much harder to do, as I often stumble in my own advice.
October 09, 2012
7 months and I still struggle
The last few days have been a little rough.
Despite the distraction that was a great BBQ this past Saturday night, once again my thoughts turn inward and for reasons I cannot explain, and how illogical they seem to their core, I somehow still feel like I either failed or could have done more.
My dad came over early this morning to walk my dog for me, and I was trying to enjoy a cup of coffee this morning on the couch when he came over. I had awoken once in the middle of the night after a dream I had in regards to my wife. I can't recall any details of the dream, but I know it was her.
In the quiet darkness of 6am prior to the sun coming up, I just sat and allowed my fractured feelings dominate my mind and rule over my heart again.
It sucked.
I looked at a calender and it's closing in on 7 months now that she walked out.
It's been two months since her 'life coaching'.
It has been 1 week since we last spoke.
Lord, why do I continue to hurt so much? Why do these thoughts plague me as they do? The signs have all been there. The support of family, friends, church. The daily devotionals, the prayers, the attempt at regaining my life...
Although there has been progress, at times it just seems as everything I know to be true, and everything that I learned just won't stick.
In this last week, I've actually had two separate women approach me in public....making small talk with me...It's nice and I know I have a lot to offer. I can still attract the opposite sex, but as nice as the simple flirting goes to lift my spirits...the feeling is only temporary.
I wish I could be angry, and hateful, and bitter at times with my wife. Perhaps that would fuel me to get over this faster. But it's just not in my nature....not in my genetic coding to hold a grudge. I am a forgiving person to a fault.
Why is it that everyone knows that my wife had major issues (including me), and yet I still allow myself to have my spirit broken by the past and now my BIL/MIL. It is so maddening and non-sensical. Knowing how absurd it is even makes it more ludicrous to me.
I feel like going home today. I have work today, but my mind is just not in it. I'd like to go to a bar myself, and check out for a few hours, but even I know that it just comes back later.
I have effectively become my own punching bag.
Despite the distraction that was a great BBQ this past Saturday night, once again my thoughts turn inward and for reasons I cannot explain, and how illogical they seem to their core, I somehow still feel like I either failed or could have done more.
My dad came over early this morning to walk my dog for me, and I was trying to enjoy a cup of coffee this morning on the couch when he came over. I had awoken once in the middle of the night after a dream I had in regards to my wife. I can't recall any details of the dream, but I know it was her.
In the quiet darkness of 6am prior to the sun coming up, I just sat and allowed my fractured feelings dominate my mind and rule over my heart again.
It sucked.
I looked at a calender and it's closing in on 7 months now that she walked out.
It's been two months since her 'life coaching'.
It has been 1 week since we last spoke.
Lord, why do I continue to hurt so much? Why do these thoughts plague me as they do? The signs have all been there. The support of family, friends, church. The daily devotionals, the prayers, the attempt at regaining my life...
Although there has been progress, at times it just seems as everything I know to be true, and everything that I learned just won't stick.
In this last week, I've actually had two separate women approach me in public....making small talk with me...It's nice and I know I have a lot to offer. I can still attract the opposite sex, but as nice as the simple flirting goes to lift my spirits...the feeling is only temporary.
I wish I could be angry, and hateful, and bitter at times with my wife. Perhaps that would fuel me to get over this faster. But it's just not in my nature....not in my genetic coding to hold a grudge. I am a forgiving person to a fault.
Why is it that everyone knows that my wife had major issues (including me), and yet I still allow myself to have my spirit broken by the past and now my BIL/MIL. It is so maddening and non-sensical. Knowing how absurd it is even makes it more ludicrous to me.
I feel like going home today. I have work today, but my mind is just not in it. I'd like to go to a bar myself, and check out for a few hours, but even I know that it just comes back later.
I have effectively become my own punching bag.
October 08, 2012
A little of this, a little of that
Not much to say as far as my relationship goes.
It's officially been a week since my MIL went off on me, a 2 weeks since my BIL and I had that odd conversation. I wish those thoughts would go away, and I caught myself this morning thinking about my wife and the good times we used to have.
Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery services instead of my men's group. I had a friend who was giving his testimony Friday night, and I was shocked at his life story....and even more impressed of the miracle that has happened since then to turn his life around. It was just about three years ago that he and another stranger, both of them angry at the world and angry at themselves crossed paths at the wrong time.
My friend had been stabbed three times and he almost killed his assailant himself during a barroom brawl. My friend spent time in jail, and the other man survived as well, each finding their own way and own path into Celebrate Recovery without the knowedge of the other.
Both eventually accepted Christ, and began their journey of forgiveness to all those they had hurt over the years, including themselves.
It would be almost two years later in which they would run into each other, of all things, a Thanksgiving Dinner. Long story short....they shook hands, asked each other for forgiveness, and at the very least acquaintences and cordial with each other.
Wow.
I didn't know any of that, as we only became friends about 2 years ago ourselves.
He is a transformed person. Happy, loving, joking, friendly. By his own admittance, a changed man.
While my own life story isn't nearly that tragic, I wish I had his peace in things. I usually do when surrounded by friends. The toughest challenge for me is the alone time. For years it never bothered me to be alone. I spent much of my youth alone, although I made friends easily, I just always was okay with our without people around me. That might have changed in college where I met a great group of people, joined a fraternity, and made lifelong friends.
Today it's hard spending weekends by myself. The house almost seems too quiet at times (albeit, I don't miss the smell of cigarettes or sarcasm).
I threw a BBQ this past Saturday. I think 15 of my close friends showed up, and for those 5-6 hours, it felt like old times. We joked, we ate, we traded barbs and stories...and I was at peace. I have a great set of friends. The subject of my wife only came up once or twice (and not by me) and while those conversations only last a minute or so each and were not mean spirited or negative, everyone agreed that my wife had issues. I caught myself actually defending her and saying she is 'trying' to turn over a new leaf...but it was surprising to hear the consensus "well, she's got a long way to go and be skeptical...she wants out of her parents house adn 1/2 your money."
I honestly was both bothered and humbled at the same time by these comments. Had I really been that naive? Did they see something that I chose to block out for years? Or are they just being friends and feel obligated to say the 'correct' thing (i.e. It's her fault not yours). I don't know. Either way, the BBQ was a blast, and I wish I could do it more often if it wasn't so expensive.
Yesterday (Sunday) was the complete opposite. Instead of being surrounded by 15+ friends, it was just me and my dog all day long. I managed to hot the gym, but otherwise I stayed in all day long cleaning, chores, and catching up on TV. It was nice....bt sucked at the same time. Didn't really want to go anywhere. Gas is close to $4.70 a gal now, so I'm trying to make my $$ stretch by not going anywhere.
I watched Joel Osteen yesertday. His 30 minute sermon was written just for me. It was a good thing I was alone, otehrwise it would have been embarrassing to see my eyes water up at the message. The message was about timing....the Lord's timing....not mine. Oy...it was a humbling reminder that God is at work in all of ur lives whether we recognize it or not, understand it or not.
Today is Columbus Day and I'm at work. It's slow today. I think many parents are home with their kids since today is another day off from school. For the first time in a while it's overcast and cool. About 20 degrees cooler than it was a week or two back, and I could have slept in longer. Why can't I sleep in on the weekends, but when I have to be at work (usually Mondays), my body could easily slumber that much longer.
It's officially been a week since my MIL went off on me, a 2 weeks since my BIL and I had that odd conversation. I wish those thoughts would go away, and I caught myself this morning thinking about my wife and the good times we used to have.
Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery services instead of my men's group. I had a friend who was giving his testimony Friday night, and I was shocked at his life story....and even more impressed of the miracle that has happened since then to turn his life around. It was just about three years ago that he and another stranger, both of them angry at the world and angry at themselves crossed paths at the wrong time.
My friend had been stabbed three times and he almost killed his assailant himself during a barroom brawl. My friend spent time in jail, and the other man survived as well, each finding their own way and own path into Celebrate Recovery without the knowedge of the other.
Both eventually accepted Christ, and began their journey of forgiveness to all those they had hurt over the years, including themselves.
It would be almost two years later in which they would run into each other, of all things, a Thanksgiving Dinner. Long story short....they shook hands, asked each other for forgiveness, and at the very least acquaintences and cordial with each other.
Wow.
I didn't know any of that, as we only became friends about 2 years ago ourselves.
He is a transformed person. Happy, loving, joking, friendly. By his own admittance, a changed man.
While my own life story isn't nearly that tragic, I wish I had his peace in things. I usually do when surrounded by friends. The toughest challenge for me is the alone time. For years it never bothered me to be alone. I spent much of my youth alone, although I made friends easily, I just always was okay with our without people around me. That might have changed in college where I met a great group of people, joined a fraternity, and made lifelong friends.
Today it's hard spending weekends by myself. The house almost seems too quiet at times (albeit, I don't miss the smell of cigarettes or sarcasm).
I threw a BBQ this past Saturday. I think 15 of my close friends showed up, and for those 5-6 hours, it felt like old times. We joked, we ate, we traded barbs and stories...and I was at peace. I have a great set of friends. The subject of my wife only came up once or twice (and not by me) and while those conversations only last a minute or so each and were not mean spirited or negative, everyone agreed that my wife had issues. I caught myself actually defending her and saying she is 'trying' to turn over a new leaf...but it was surprising to hear the consensus "well, she's got a long way to go and be skeptical...she wants out of her parents house adn 1/2 your money."
I honestly was both bothered and humbled at the same time by these comments. Had I really been that naive? Did they see something that I chose to block out for years? Or are they just being friends and feel obligated to say the 'correct' thing (i.e. It's her fault not yours). I don't know. Either way, the BBQ was a blast, and I wish I could do it more often if it wasn't so expensive.
Yesterday (Sunday) was the complete opposite. Instead of being surrounded by 15+ friends, it was just me and my dog all day long. I managed to hot the gym, but otherwise I stayed in all day long cleaning, chores, and catching up on TV. It was nice....bt sucked at the same time. Didn't really want to go anywhere. Gas is close to $4.70 a gal now, so I'm trying to make my $$ stretch by not going anywhere.
I watched Joel Osteen yesertday. His 30 minute sermon was written just for me. It was a good thing I was alone, otehrwise it would have been embarrassing to see my eyes water up at the message. The message was about timing....the Lord's timing....not mine. Oy...it was a humbling reminder that God is at work in all of ur lives whether we recognize it or not, understand it or not.
Today is Columbus Day and I'm at work. It's slow today. I think many parents are home with their kids since today is another day off from school. For the first time in a while it's overcast and cool. About 20 degrees cooler than it was a week or two back, and I could have slept in longer. Why can't I sleep in on the weekends, but when I have to be at work (usually Mondays), my body could easily slumber that much longer.
October 05, 2012
Oscar the Grouch
The last few days I had been actually feeling 'okay'.
Work has picked up a tad which is nice because it makes the day go by faster, and I can turn my mind to more daily and appropriate responsibilities. My neighbors (other than the 2 women) have been very cordial with me this week and even invited me out to dinner one night.
My deepest thoughts I either share right here, or with my dad. I sanitize, or hold back a tiny bit from my mother because she has a tendency to over react or get involved when I don't need her to be. Case in point, when I told my dad about the recent calls I received from my MIL & BIL he was a bit upset himself, but warned me it may be better not to divulge to my mother.....lest she get worked up and do something stupid.
That's really hard to do...when my mom calls and asks me how I am...I have to "lie" and say I'm 'okay' when in actuality I want to tell her what happened, and if anything, just to unload. It's very hard to keep all this stuff bottled up inside day after day after day, and also not turn to drinking myself. In all honesty, there is no booze in my house at all, and though I've been tempted to get a bottle of whisky the last few days, the fact is I haven't.
The last few nights I've even been getting a decent amount of sleep for a change. Well, at least the last 3 days anyway, despite the heat.
But then I woke up this morning, and just felt grouchy. Negative energy slowly building within my core. I've been pretty good about my meds everyday, but it seems today my emotions have a stronger will than the happy chemicials coursing through my brain. In a nutshell, I feel angry.
I called my dad and let him know. Not because I expected him to solve anything or make me feel better. It was just to verbalize my feelings and get them out in hopes I may feel better. It didn't really work. He said this is all to be expected...Good days & bad days.
I'm not on the verge of tears today. I'm just angry. Today, my wife is supposed to hand in her paperwork to my lawyer. Today is the deadline and hopefully this will move along if she doesn't stall.
I haven't called or talked to her or her family, nor have they attempted to contact me since last Sunday. I wonder if they think I'm going to blink and cave. My dad thinks so. He thinks that these recent calls were their attempt to be 'reasonable' and for me to give her another chance...that I could possibly be worked over somewhat emotionally. The truth is...I can be...and have been known to cave in the past. But this time, I'm just not...and maybe they are surprised. Maybe they are expecting that phone to ring any minute and for me to ask her to come back now that her behavior has improved the last 7 weeks.
Yes, it's a start (her improvements that is)...but no, it isn't going to happen. I'm not picking up the phone at this point, especially since my 'Chistianity' came into question. 7 weeks of 'decent' behavior under the watchful eye of your own parents does not negate years of shit. You can continue to pay for her until the court says otherwise.
Work has picked up a tad which is nice because it makes the day go by faster, and I can turn my mind to more daily and appropriate responsibilities. My neighbors (other than the 2 women) have been very cordial with me this week and even invited me out to dinner one night.
My deepest thoughts I either share right here, or with my dad. I sanitize, or hold back a tiny bit from my mother because she has a tendency to over react or get involved when I don't need her to be. Case in point, when I told my dad about the recent calls I received from my MIL & BIL he was a bit upset himself, but warned me it may be better not to divulge to my mother.....lest she get worked up and do something stupid.
That's really hard to do...when my mom calls and asks me how I am...I have to "lie" and say I'm 'okay' when in actuality I want to tell her what happened, and if anything, just to unload. It's very hard to keep all this stuff bottled up inside day after day after day, and also not turn to drinking myself. In all honesty, there is no booze in my house at all, and though I've been tempted to get a bottle of whisky the last few days, the fact is I haven't.
The last few nights I've even been getting a decent amount of sleep for a change. Well, at least the last 3 days anyway, despite the heat.
But then I woke up this morning, and just felt grouchy. Negative energy slowly building within my core. I've been pretty good about my meds everyday, but it seems today my emotions have a stronger will than the happy chemicials coursing through my brain. In a nutshell, I feel angry.
I called my dad and let him know. Not because I expected him to solve anything or make me feel better. It was just to verbalize my feelings and get them out in hopes I may feel better. It didn't really work. He said this is all to be expected...Good days & bad days.
I'm not on the verge of tears today. I'm just angry. Today, my wife is supposed to hand in her paperwork to my lawyer. Today is the deadline and hopefully this will move along if she doesn't stall.
I haven't called or talked to her or her family, nor have they attempted to contact me since last Sunday. I wonder if they think I'm going to blink and cave. My dad thinks so. He thinks that these recent calls were their attempt to be 'reasonable' and for me to give her another chance...that I could possibly be worked over somewhat emotionally. The truth is...I can be...and have been known to cave in the past. But this time, I'm just not...and maybe they are surprised. Maybe they are expecting that phone to ring any minute and for me to ask her to come back now that her behavior has improved the last 7 weeks.
Yes, it's a start (her improvements that is)...but no, it isn't going to happen. I'm not picking up the phone at this point, especially since my 'Chistianity' came into question. 7 weeks of 'decent' behavior under the watchful eye of your own parents does not negate years of shit. You can continue to pay for her until the court says otherwise.
October 02, 2012
Et tu Brute?
Wow.
Just wow.
I haven't written in a few days now, because I have been speechless and trying to process the call I received on Sunday from my Mother In Law.
Oh how the winds and the tides change so unexpectedly and violently.
If you'll recall I received a bizarre text message from my BIL just over a week ago, and after playing his stupid texting games, we spoke on Saturday and it was such a bizarre conversation.
Well, my MIL just topped that and reduced me to tears on Sunday afternoon. I had such a hard time after our conversation, I had to take some anxiety medication just to calm down and relax that softball size tightening in my chest just behind my sternum.
My MIL and I have had nothing but decent conversations in the pats. Truth is, I love her and my FIL deeply and couldn't ask for better inlaws for the most part. They are loving people with good souls, and I miss them terribly through all this, and one of my biggest fears was to lose them as family.
Perhaps they will be the ones to sever ties with me afterall and make this fear a reality.
You see, I am moving forward with my divorce. After attending 4 seperate counseling session with my wife starting about 7 or 8 weeks ago, I finally told her I can't do it anymore....that is the counseling. Nothing new was happening and all I heard, as usual, was how everything is everyone elses fault and barely taking any responsibility for her own actions. I have heard how horrible my mom is, how my past affected her. How her parents did this and did that. How her daughter did this and did that. Etc. Still denying she's an alcoholic (she has cut way back, but has not stopped drinking BTW). She told me how she was taking care of her bills now (the letters in the mailbox and continued calls from collections agencies would suggest otherwise).
She said she wanted to start over. She still loves me. Leave the past in the past.
And yet she keeps bringing up the past, so my response is also to bring up the past. She wants to pretend the last few years didn't happen. Why? Because she knows she messed up? Because her unemployment benefits have run out? Because she has wiped out her savings and is still in debt? No her bad decisions are hers and hers alone...not for me to take care of and clean up like I did so many times in the past. Let her parents clean it up for a while. Let them deal with her lack of a job, creditor phone calls, creditor mail, etc.
Anyway, I'm getting off track (can we say "tangent"?).
Okay, so I get a call Sunday afternoon from my MIL. She asks me just to listen, not to speak, as she has written things out on a piece of paper she wanted to say (Oh great...why do I think this is gonna go bad?).
I stay quiet and let her speak:
I'm just giving you the highlights here. I listened to what was a good ole character bashing fro a good 10 minutes, followed by the humorous "But I'm not judging you."
Oxymornic statement of the year.
When it was my turn to respond, I said the following:
Yeah, because now it'll never be awkward at any possible future family gatherings hearing what I just heard. Just breaks my heart and then some.
Just wow.
I haven't written in a few days now, because I have been speechless and trying to process the call I received on Sunday from my Mother In Law.
Oh how the winds and the tides change so unexpectedly and violently.
If you'll recall I received a bizarre text message from my BIL just over a week ago, and after playing his stupid texting games, we spoke on Saturday and it was such a bizarre conversation.
Well, my MIL just topped that and reduced me to tears on Sunday afternoon. I had such a hard time after our conversation, I had to take some anxiety medication just to calm down and relax that softball size tightening in my chest just behind my sternum.
My MIL and I have had nothing but decent conversations in the pats. Truth is, I love her and my FIL deeply and couldn't ask for better inlaws for the most part. They are loving people with good souls, and I miss them terribly through all this, and one of my biggest fears was to lose them as family.
Perhaps they will be the ones to sever ties with me afterall and make this fear a reality.
You see, I am moving forward with my divorce. After attending 4 seperate counseling session with my wife starting about 7 or 8 weeks ago, I finally told her I can't do it anymore....that is the counseling. Nothing new was happening and all I heard, as usual, was how everything is everyone elses fault and barely taking any responsibility for her own actions. I have heard how horrible my mom is, how my past affected her. How her parents did this and did that. How her daughter did this and did that. Etc. Still denying she's an alcoholic (she has cut way back, but has not stopped drinking BTW). She told me how she was taking care of her bills now (the letters in the mailbox and continued calls from collections agencies would suggest otherwise).
She said she wanted to start over. She still loves me. Leave the past in the past.
And yet she keeps bringing up the past, so my response is also to bring up the past. She wants to pretend the last few years didn't happen. Why? Because she knows she messed up? Because her unemployment benefits have run out? Because she has wiped out her savings and is still in debt? No her bad decisions are hers and hers alone...not for me to take care of and clean up like I did so many times in the past. Let her parents clean it up for a while. Let them deal with her lack of a job, creditor phone calls, creditor mail, etc.
Anyway, I'm getting off track (can we say "tangent"?).
Okay, so I get a call Sunday afternoon from my MIL. She asks me just to listen, not to speak, as she has written things out on a piece of paper she wanted to say (Oh great...why do I think this is gonna go bad?).
I stay quiet and let her speak:
- She is dissapointed in me on how I handled the call with my brother in law and how I 'refused' to speak with him. She thought I was better than that since in the past they were there for me when I needed someone to talk to.
- She says I am not the "Christian man" she thought I was for I will not "forgive" her daughter and give her a chance after she completed her "life coaching" therapy 7 weeks ago. God will judge me.
- She is further dissapointed that I quit going to counseling with my wife and shows that I am not "trying".
- She doesn't understand why my mother will not accept my wife's phone call to apologize. (Liek I have any control over that).
- She doesn't undertand and is disapointed that I keep bringing up the past and can't move forward.
I'm just giving you the highlights here. I listened to what was a good ole character bashing fro a good 10 minutes, followed by the humorous "But I'm not judging you."
Oxymornic statement of the year.
When it was my turn to respond, I said the following:
- If you figure out what my BIL has to say to me, then by all means share it with me. I gave him multiple chances to tell me what he 'specifically' wanted to say, but instead I was told I was hiding behind words, playing a chess game, didn't trust him, and inferred I wasn't a real man. So yes, at that point I told him I would not meet him. I still have no idea what happened, and I'm not going to feel bad if my BIL can't spit it out.
- Your daughter has never shown my mother respect. Your daughter cursed my mother out and hung up on her. My mother has only ever been nice to your daughter and grand-daughter and your daughter has been cold towards her for years. Please tell me what my mom has done? And please tell me why this is my issue. That is between your daughter and my mom. If my mom doesn't want to talk to her, then she's not ready to. I have no control over that.
- Yes, I do bring up the past...as does your daughter EVERY SINGLE TIME. You and your husband, my parents, my BIL/SIL are not there so you do not know what is being said. Next time I will bring a tape recorder and we'll see who talks about the past more. I stopped going to counseling because I was tired of hearing how everything is once again everyone elses problem and she barely acknowledges her own responsibility in any of these things.
- The biggest thing for me was the "not a Christain man" comment. Seeing that my wife doesn't own a bible, and hasn't gone to church with me in years, how dare you question my principles. I never claimed to be a saint, never claimed to be perfect. In fact, when I stumble and fall I man up, come to you and apologize. Your daughter doesn't even know the word 'sorry'. And your right, God...the person I am responsible to will indeed judge me...he will judge us all...and look into our hearts and He will know the pain and the heartache I've been through...not you, not your daughter, not my parents, not my BIL/SIL. Sounds like you are in fact judging me.
Yeah, because now it'll never be awkward at any possible future family gatherings hearing what I just heard. Just breaks my heart and then some.
September 27, 2012
Daydreaming for a reprieve
Last night, my mother was kind enough to come over and take me to dinner. It wasn't anything fancy, just some fish tacos, ice tea, chips & salsa. Afterwards we went to the pet store in town and she bought my little guy a new stuffed toy and a bag of dog food. Hey it isn't much, but these days $20 is $20 and in lieu of the upcoming court stuff, I'm not going to refuse.
Although it does weigh on me a bit that my parents are helping me out at 42. Mind you, I'm a hard worker and I'm generally good with money and very responsible. I've made a lot of sacrifices these last few years...more so than I like...but I allowed myself and my wife to bite off a bit more than we could have chewed. When the yellow flags went up some time back, I made a overt decision to cut back on things because I knew then that she would not. Perhaps I was just prolonging the inevitable.
I try not to get angry. I don't like being angry. It doesn't get solve or help anything. Doesn't change things. Doesn't pay the bills. At times I'm not even sure what the definition of anger is anymore. Maybe I'm really feeling a combination of failure, stupidity, anxiety, and frustration. Mix all those together under a small simmer for years and outcomes what feels like anger.
I told my mom what transpired earlier that day. The phones calls and the texts which I ignored until I got off of work. The car ride home I accepted my wifes call and at first she pleaded with me to reconsider a divorce...that she has 'changed'. That I'm not giving her a chance now.
Funny I thought I gave her years of chances that were neglected, dismissed, rejected, etc. She is under the belief that the past 7 weeks of 'decent' behavior since check-in with the 'life-coach' now negates or sweeps under the run all of her prior responsibilities. She's "sorry" now.
Wasn't sorry a few months ago. Wasn't sorry when she left. Wasn't sorry when she went out drinking and having fun with her friends. Wasn't sorry when she left her daughter, or threw away all the advice so many people gave her.
Okay enough of the broken record.
Anyway, her demeanor changed slightly on the phone when I wouldn't budge. Then it became all about my faults. Yes...in one ear and out the other for me. I heard it all before. Nothing new is being brought to the table. She wants to come over this evening and get her mail. I noticed she got a new magazine subscription and had it sent to the house. Why?
Speaking of mail, she sent me a Halloween card that I retrieved from the mailbox yesterday. It was a nice card, funny. It was signed. What timing, right? But the thing is, I looked at the card and my gut instinct was torn on it. Does she really mean it, or is this a hollow attempt to get on my good side? It's kinda sad that I have to have that internal argument...is this card genuine or fake? To be honest...I don't know, and now a day later, I still don't know.
She informed me that her unemployment has officially run out. She is solely dependant on her cash only job now. I have mixed feelings on that, and I'm not proud. Part of me feels bad, but a small part of me only. I'm not jumping up and down for joy....I take no glee in her financial heartaches....but I will admit the larger part of me feels like saying: "Well, Karma finally caught up. Glad you had a lot of time goofing around and hope you had a lot of fun putting yourself first. Now you can pay for yourself, for once, or you can become your parents burden for a while. If they are okay for bailing you out , as usual, who am I to say otherwise."
Not only has her unemployment run out, and she chose to do nothing the past year and a half to correct it, next month my company's open enrollement for benefits is up. I will not be signing her up. The money I will save from that will go towards her bills she stuck me with.
After dinner my mom came back over to my house and we sat and talked for a bit. Well, she did most of the talking. She had to point out to me numerous examples of bad moments. Some of them I actually forgot (or did I bury them and pretend they didn't happen?), but she wasn't wrong in any of them. There they were again... a virtual pile of my wifes transgressions...whether directed towards me, her family, her daughter, the neighbors, or just stupid decisions that put her in the place she is now. I had to be reminded that she did these things, I didn't. She dug this hole even though I tried numerous times to take away the shovel. Now she has to lay in it.
I feel anxious. Anxious for the unkown I suppose. What's going to be said or done this evening? What will happen in the weeks ahead? When will this be over? When will these feelings of confusion and numbness stop?
Although it does weigh on me a bit that my parents are helping me out at 42. Mind you, I'm a hard worker and I'm generally good with money and very responsible. I've made a lot of sacrifices these last few years...more so than I like...but I allowed myself and my wife to bite off a bit more than we could have chewed. When the yellow flags went up some time back, I made a overt decision to cut back on things because I knew then that she would not. Perhaps I was just prolonging the inevitable.
I try not to get angry. I don't like being angry. It doesn't get solve or help anything. Doesn't change things. Doesn't pay the bills. At times I'm not even sure what the definition of anger is anymore. Maybe I'm really feeling a combination of failure, stupidity, anxiety, and frustration. Mix all those together under a small simmer for years and outcomes what feels like anger.
I told my mom what transpired earlier that day. The phones calls and the texts which I ignored until I got off of work. The car ride home I accepted my wifes call and at first she pleaded with me to reconsider a divorce...that she has 'changed'. That I'm not giving her a chance now.
Funny I thought I gave her years of chances that were neglected, dismissed, rejected, etc. She is under the belief that the past 7 weeks of 'decent' behavior since check-in with the 'life-coach' now negates or sweeps under the run all of her prior responsibilities. She's "sorry" now.
Wasn't sorry a few months ago. Wasn't sorry when she left. Wasn't sorry when she went out drinking and having fun with her friends. Wasn't sorry when she left her daughter, or threw away all the advice so many people gave her.
Okay enough of the broken record.
Anyway, her demeanor changed slightly on the phone when I wouldn't budge. Then it became all about my faults. Yes...in one ear and out the other for me. I heard it all before. Nothing new is being brought to the table. She wants to come over this evening and get her mail. I noticed she got a new magazine subscription and had it sent to the house. Why?
Speaking of mail, she sent me a Halloween card that I retrieved from the mailbox yesterday. It was a nice card, funny. It was signed
She informed me that her unemployment has officially run out. She is solely dependant on her cash only job now. I have mixed feelings on that, and I'm not proud. Part of me feels bad, but a small part of me only. I'm not jumping up and down for joy....I take no glee in her financial heartaches....but I will admit the larger part of me feels like saying: "Well, Karma finally caught up. Glad you had a lot of time goofing around and hope you had a lot of fun putting yourself first. Now you can pay for yourself, for once, or you can become your parents burden for a while. If they are okay for bailing you out , as usual, who am I to say otherwise."
Not only has her unemployment run out, and she chose to do nothing the past year and a half to correct it, next month my company's open enrollement for benefits is up. I will not be signing her up. The money I will save from that will go towards her bills she stuck me with.
After dinner my mom came back over to my house and we sat and talked for a bit. Well, she did most of the talking. She had to point out to me numerous examples of bad moments. Some of them I actually forgot (or did I bury them and pretend they didn't happen?), but she wasn't wrong in any of them. There they were again... a virtual pile of my wifes transgressions...whether directed towards me, her family, her daughter, the neighbors, or just stupid decisions that put her in the place she is now. I had to be reminded that she did these things, I didn't. She dug this hole even though I tried numerous times to take away the shovel. Now she has to lay in it.
I feel anxious. Anxious for the unkown I suppose. What's going to be said or done this evening? What will happen in the weeks ahead? When will this be over? When will these feelings of confusion and numbness stop?
September 26, 2012
Looks like it started.
The first series of phone calls with no messages has begun this afternoon, followed by texts asking me to pick up or return her calls.
The anxiety behind my sternum is building, my stomach is in knots, and I've had to excuse myself to the restroom once already for emergency relief.
I'm supposed to meet my mom after work today. She has offered to take me to dinner in town, and this has already been planned prior to the calls and texts.
I must remain strong, and trust in the Lord and turn this over to Him for today, for it is Him that can grant me peace and gives me energy to make it through this day.
The anxiety behind my sternum is building, my stomach is in knots, and I've had to excuse myself to the restroom once already for emergency relief.
I'm supposed to meet my mom after work today. She has offered to take me to dinner in town, and this has already been planned prior to the calls and texts.
I must remain strong, and trust in the Lord and turn this over to Him for today, for it is Him that can grant me peace and gives me energy to make it through this day.
September 25, 2012
About to hit the fan
After some mind numbing and confusing back and forth with my lawyer the past few days, he finally provided me with a copy of a letter he sent to my wifes attorney today requesting that this is our second, and final, request that she fill out her PPD's and have them turned in by October 5th.
I know my wife has the day off today, so she will most likely get a message from her attorney today. Why it took these extra two weeks, I have no clue, but needless to say these past 4 days (I only discussed one event with my BIL) I have dealt with my attorney, my BIL, my parents, and a surprise visit from my wife on Sunday (that did not end well).
No wonder I'm only averaging 4-5 hours of sleep per night (if I'm lucky). Even this morning I woke at 3:15am and was up for at least a good hour before I fell back asleep and my dog woke me up finally at 6.
I am so mentally tired from all this. I do not wish this on anyone. I am trying my hardest to remain calm, cordial, and focused....but my wife is making it hard. She knows how to say just the right things to make me second guess all this, and at other times knows just what buttons to push to make me crack.
Between my parents, family, and closest friends....they are constantly re-grounding me and reminding me of the years and years of shennanigans based on her poor decisions, and left me to clean up the mess over and over again.
It's all true......but in my heart....and the commandment from my Lord....I need to stay strong and forgive. I can forgive....forget is a different story.
Has she chanegd?
In many ways yes, but it's only been 7 weeks (or so) from her self-imposed "life coaching" symposium, or whatever it was. Not sure 7 weeks of decent behavior, and 8 days of intense therapy negates years of mental abuse and crappy patterns I've been subject to.
So, I truly expect the proverbial _____ to hit the fan today. Thank goodness I'm at work, but I wholly expect the fireworks to begin later today or tomorrow. And of course, I forgot to take my meds again today (3 days now...I'm screwed).
I wish I could say this was the calm before the storm, but it's been pretty stormy already the last few days.
I know my wife has the day off today, so she will most likely get a message from her attorney today. Why it took these extra two weeks, I have no clue, but needless to say these past 4 days (I only discussed one event with my BIL) I have dealt with my attorney, my BIL, my parents, and a surprise visit from my wife on Sunday (that did not end well).
No wonder I'm only averaging 4-5 hours of sleep per night (if I'm lucky). Even this morning I woke at 3:15am and was up for at least a good hour before I fell back asleep and my dog woke me up finally at 6.
I am so mentally tired from all this. I do not wish this on anyone. I am trying my hardest to remain calm, cordial, and focused....but my wife is making it hard. She knows how to say just the right things to make me second guess all this, and at other times knows just what buttons to push to make me crack.
Between my parents, family, and closest friends....they are constantly re-grounding me and reminding me of the years and years of shennanigans based on her poor decisions, and left me to clean up the mess over and over again.
It's all true......but in my heart....and the commandment from my Lord....I need to stay strong and forgive. I can forgive....forget is a different story.
Has she chanegd?
In many ways yes, but it's only been 7 weeks (or so) from her self-imposed "life coaching" symposium, or whatever it was. Not sure 7 weeks of decent behavior, and 8 days of intense therapy negates years of mental abuse and crappy patterns I've been subject to.
So, I truly expect the proverbial _____ to hit the fan today. Thank goodness I'm at work, but I wholly expect the fireworks to begin later today or tomorrow. And of course, I forgot to take my meds again today (3 days now...I'm screwed).
I wish I could say this was the calm before the storm, but it's been pretty stormy already the last few days.
September 24, 2012
Standing in Parentheses
It's my fault I forgot to take my pills the last two mornings in a row...probably when I need them the most, now I need to start over.
The last 60 hours feels like I've been standing in the midst of a whirlwind in which I neglected to take a look at the weather report prior.
Friday night (21st) my BIL, who has not contacted me in anyway shape or form since late February decided to send me a text message shortly after 7pm saying he wishes to talk to me. Strange. He only sees me at family functions, and otherwise he normally doesn't reach out to me. Years ago he asked me once to go camping with him and I declined for whatever reason and since then he really has not offered to do anything with me since. I have asked him to a few various things over the years, and other than a Father's Day we hosted at my house, he's declined everytime. Despite that, I thought we had a decent relationship. He seems like a good man, a good husband, and a caring father. I would say he really does have a head on his shoulders, and I've never had anything bad to say about him.
During the events that took place back in February, he was a strong advocate for me and was fair, and very matter-of-factly. I may not have agreed with everything he ever said, and sometimes thought he took a route of 'superiority' sometimes in his speaking, but he's a lawyer himself and I admired (past tense) the way he could get to the heart of things.
My internal yellow flag went up on Friday when I got his text. I replied back "Sure, may I inquire as to why...please?" After a few more minutes he responded that, again, he'd like to speak with me. Okay....I got that...that was said in the opening text. "Can you be more specific?" I replied? I even called him on his cell phone since he apparently just texted me from it but 30 seconds ago. He did not answer. I got his voice mail.....(Oh great...he won't pick up the phone even though he is clearly texting me from it).
My message was that I was headed to church this evening, but I had a few minutes "now" to spare so let's talk. Of course his text reply came later while I was in church and simply stated "I'd rather do this in person and not on the phone or text." **Take note - Any "normal" person would begin to feel something is "up" at this point. And for someone who doesn't want to text, I'd like to point out he started this odd conversation with a text. His text (unedited):
I did not reply, because I am now puzzled about the tone behind "I am not screwing around here." Um, I didn't say you were screwing around, I just want to know what 'specifically' about my wife and I you wish to talk about. Why is this so hard to answer? My spider-sense is now pinging hard and I CHOSE not to reply lest I get sucked into something late on a Friday night. Of course my mind is now turning 100 MPH and I barely slept at all that night. Saturday is gonna suck, this I know.
Saturday I went to the gym, and while I was at the gym....guess what....I get another text from my BIL asking where and when I want to meet. WTF? What is this with all the texting and no phone calls. No, at this point we are going to have a phone conversation...no more texting from me. We're adults for crying out loud, (although some would argue I may not be at times).
As I got home and am standing in my garage I attempt to call him one more time. This time he picks up.
Me: Hey, how's it going? How are you?
BIL: Fine. And you?
Me: Well, to be honest I'm a bit tired. I didn't sleep much last night.
BIL: Why is that?
Me: Well, your texts caught me off guard. You haven't spoken to me in 6 months. You have never called to see how I'm doing, how I've been, how I'm coping...nothing. Then I get a random text from you at 7pm last night stating you want to talk to me but won't tell me why or what about. Forgive me if that seems out of place to me and raises a flag in my head.
BIL: That wasn't my intention, and I'm sorry you didn't sleep, but that's you over analyzing things.
Me: Perhaps. But it just seems odd.
BIL: Do you not trust me?
Me: I did not say that. Trust never entered my mind. Why would I not trust you?
BIL: You say a flag went up in your head.
Me: Er, yes.
BIL: So what is it then?
Me: What do you mean?
BIL: Why don't you trust me?
Me: I didn't say that. I never used the word 'trust' and...(::BIL interupts me::)
BIL: Whoa, whoa, hoa. Just stop.
Me: What?
BIL: You're hiding behind words.
Me: ????? (:: awkward silence as I try and process what he just said::)
BIL: I am not trying to dress you down or tear into you.
Me: Er....Uh...I didn't say you were nor was I thinking that.
BIL: This isn't a chess game. I'm not trying to get one step ahead of you.
Me: (::more awkward silence::??????::) With all due respect you lost me. What are you talking about? What does chess or games have to do with anything right now? Nothing resembling a game left my mouth.
BIL: I want to talk to you in person, if you can't do that, just let me know.
Me: Seriously, I'm lost. I'm not sure what you want to accomplish.
BIL: I don't want to do 'this' over the phone. (**note: DO WHAT????) Real men meet in person.
That one caught me like a deer in headlights. So you are now inferring I am not a REAL man, because I'm dubious on this whole vague conversation to begin with and I'm now skeptical to meet with you.
Me: Okay. In that case, thanks but I think I'll pass.
BIL: Okay...Just remember....You CHOSE to not have this conversation.
Did my brother-in-law just threaten me over...well...who knows what?
Me: Er...okay. Goodbye. (::I hung up::)
I must have stood in my garage for a good ten minutes scratching my head on what the hell just happened. I just participated in a conversation that I feel I was actually not a participant in. WTF was that all about? Seriously? I'm not a 'real man'? I'm playing 'chess'? I'm hiding behind words and have a lack of 'trust'.
Um....let's remember...YOU TEXTED ME FIRST. YOU NEVER SAID WHAT YOU WANTED TO TALK ABOUT. And don't say about me and my wife...No duh, that was inferred in the very begining. What could you possibly have to say in person that you can't say over the phone. Why do I feel I just got dragged down to Jr. High school by my 47yo BIL?
Needless to say, this whole conversation, or lack thereof....is not sitting well with me because I don't know what the HELL IT WAS ABOUT. But I guesss my BIL now thinks I'm a schmuck, and as others predicted would happen, my estranged wifes family seems to now be turning on me, and I was just minding my own business on a Friday night.
The last 60 hours feels like I've been standing in the midst of a whirlwind in which I neglected to take a look at the weather report prior.
Friday night (21st) my BIL, who has not contacted me in anyway shape or form since late February decided to send me a text message shortly after 7pm saying he wishes to talk to me. Strange. He only sees me at family functions, and otherwise he normally doesn't reach out to me. Years ago he asked me once to go camping with him and I declined for whatever reason and since then he really has not offered to do anything with me since. I have asked him to a few various things over the years, and other than a Father's Day we hosted at my house, he's declined everytime. Despite that, I thought we had a decent relationship. He seems like a good man, a good husband, and a caring father. I would say he really does have a head on his shoulders, and I've never had anything bad to say about him.
During the events that took place back in February, he was a strong advocate for me and was fair, and very matter-of-factly. I may not have agreed with everything he ever said, and sometimes thought he took a route of 'superiority' sometimes in his speaking, but he's a lawyer himself and I admired (past tense) the way he could get to the heart of things.
My internal yellow flag went up on Friday when I got his text. I replied back "Sure, may I inquire as to why...please?" After a few more minutes he responded that, again, he'd like to speak with me. Okay....I got that...that was said in the opening text. "Can you be more specific?" I replied? I even called him on his cell phone since he apparently just texted me from it but 30 seconds ago. He did not answer. I got his voice mail.....(Oh great...he won't pick up the phone even though he is clearly texting me from it).
My message was that I was headed to church this evening, but I had a few minutes "now" to spare so let's talk. Of course his text reply came later while I was in church and simply stated "I'd rather do this in person and not on the phone or text." **Take note - Any "normal" person would begin to feel something is "up" at this point. And for someone who doesn't want to text, I'd like to point out he started this odd conversation with a text. His text (unedited):
I am not screwing around here. I want to talk to you about you and _____. Either lets do this or tell me no.
I did not reply, because I am now puzzled about the tone behind "I am not screwing around here." Um, I didn't say you were screwing around, I just want to know what 'specifically' about my wife and I you wish to talk about. Why is this so hard to answer? My spider-sense is now pinging hard and I CHOSE not to reply lest I get sucked into something late on a Friday night. Of course my mind is now turning 100 MPH and I barely slept at all that night. Saturday is gonna suck, this I know.
Saturday I went to the gym, and while I was at the gym....guess what....I get another text from my BIL asking where and when I want to meet. WTF? What is this with all the texting and no phone calls. No, at this point we are going to have a phone conversation...no more texting from me. We're adults for crying out loud, (although some would argue I may not be at times).
As I got home and am standing in my garage I attempt to call him one more time. This time he picks up.
Me: Hey, how's it going? How are you?
BIL: Fine. And you?
Me: Well, to be honest I'm a bit tired. I didn't sleep much last night.
BIL: Why is that?
Me: Well, your texts caught me off guard. You haven't spoken to me in 6 months. You have never called to see how I'm doing, how I've been, how I'm coping...nothing. Then I get a random text from you at 7pm last night stating you want to talk to me but won't tell me why or what about. Forgive me if that seems out of place to me and raises a flag in my head.
BIL: That wasn't my intention, and I'm sorry you didn't sleep, but that's you over analyzing things.
Me: Perhaps. But it just seems odd.
BIL: Do you not trust me?
Me: I did not say that. Trust never entered my mind. Why would I not trust you?
BIL: You say a flag went up in your head.
Me: Er, yes.
BIL: So what is it then?
Me: What do you mean?
BIL: Why don't you trust me?
Me: I didn't say that. I never used the word 'trust' and...(::BIL interupts me::)
BIL: Whoa, whoa, hoa. Just stop.
Me: What?
BIL: You're hiding behind words.
Me: ????? (:: awkward silence as I try and process what he just said::)
BIL: I am not trying to dress you down or tear into you.
Me: Er....Uh...I didn't say you were nor was I thinking that.
BIL: This isn't a chess game. I'm not trying to get one step ahead of you.
Me: (::more awkward silence::??????::) With all due respect you lost me. What are you talking about? What does chess or games have to do with anything right now? Nothing resembling a game left my mouth.
BIL: I want to talk to you in person, if you can't do that, just let me know.
Me: Seriously, I'm lost. I'm not sure what you want to accomplish.
BIL: I don't want to do 'this' over the phone. (**note: DO WHAT????) Real men meet in person.
That one caught me like a deer in headlights. So you are now inferring I am not a REAL man, because I'm dubious on this whole vague conversation to begin with and I'm now skeptical to meet with you.
Me: Okay. In that case, thanks but I think I'll pass.
BIL: Okay...Just remember....You CHOSE to not have this conversation.
Did my brother-in-law just threaten me over...well...who knows what?
Me: Er...okay. Goodbye. (::I hung up::)
I must have stood in my garage for a good ten minutes scratching my head on what the hell just happened. I just participated in a conversation that I feel I was actually not a participant in. WTF was that all about? Seriously? I'm not a 'real man'? I'm playing 'chess'? I'm hiding behind words and have a lack of 'trust'.
Um....let's remember...YOU TEXTED ME FIRST. YOU NEVER SAID WHAT YOU WANTED TO TALK ABOUT. And don't say about me and my wife...No duh, that was inferred in the very begining. What could you possibly have to say in person that you can't say over the phone. Why do I feel I just got dragged down to Jr. High school by my 47yo BIL?
Needless to say, this whole conversation, or lack thereof....is not sitting well with me because I don't know what the HELL IT WAS ABOUT. But I guesss my BIL now thinks I'm a schmuck, and as others predicted would happen, my estranged wifes family seems to now be turning on me, and I was just minding my own business on a Friday night.
September 07, 2012
Friday the 14th
I really needed my sleep last night, and despite the heat and refusing to turn on my A/C, I did. I could have slept longer in fact, and it crossed my mind to call in sick today, but I didn't. It's casual Friday, and I hate to waste those days. And surprisingly, I've been busy this morning and now my day is already half over.
Anyway, the sleep came from the previous two nights of lack of sleep. My wife texted me Wed., morning saying that she herself is stressed out and didn't sleep well herself the night we met and spoke. She did manage to respond that she will go to the party anyway.....doesn't surprise me at all.
I for sure won't be going. Instead, I am going to an Octoberfest celebration, something I wanted to go to for years, but never had a reason to go until now. So my buddy and I will be going and spending the day eating brats, listening to German or Bravarian music, and tasting various German beers. Yeah, it's in the middle of September, but that's cool.
I don't have much plans for the weekend. I'm probably going to go for a short workout after work, and then come home and watch a movie or jabber with the neighbors. Can't afford anything right now as mortgage is due today, and I need the rest for gas and toll until next Thursday. So I'll need to entertain myself the next few days by sticking close to home. That's okay...it'll give me a chance to do chores, watch a few movies, work on some hobbies and other things.
I broke down and called my lawyer today. Didn't get a hold of them, just left a message to see if they got my faxed documents from two weeks ago and see where we are in the process. As I hadn't got a scathing email or call from my wife as of yet, I'll assume she hasn't been notified that I'm requesting we move forward. It'd be nice to know if there is a time frame I can wrap my ahead around to begin anew.
I'd also like to get these boxes out of my sight, and start advertising for a possible roommate. My wife is still barely chipping in, and as I opened her unemployment benefits envelope, I noted that she has about 3 - 4 weeks of income left. Then she will be dependant on her cash only job which may even even pay less than her unemployment by my calculations. She either needs to 'buck-up' and get a 'real' job, or she's going to be dependant on her parents for the forseable future. I don't take any pride or joy in that at all. However, perhaps her parents will finally see what I've been dealing with for the past few years and they'll put pressure on her instead of me always looking like the bad guy who only appears to care about money.
So I standby waiting for the lawyer to return my call and tell me what's up.
Anyway, the sleep came from the previous two nights of lack of sleep. My wife texted me Wed., morning saying that she herself is stressed out and didn't sleep well herself the night we met and spoke. She did manage to respond that she will go to the party anyway.....doesn't surprise me at all.
I for sure won't be going. Instead, I am going to an Octoberfest celebration, something I wanted to go to for years, but never had a reason to go until now. So my buddy and I will be going and spending the day eating brats, listening to German or Bravarian music, and tasting various German beers. Yeah, it's in the middle of September, but that's cool.
I don't have much plans for the weekend. I'm probably going to go for a short workout after work, and then come home and watch a movie or jabber with the neighbors. Can't afford anything right now as mortgage is due today, and I need the rest for gas and toll until next Thursday. So I'll need to entertain myself the next few days by sticking close to home. That's okay...it'll give me a chance to do chores, watch a few movies, work on some hobbies and other things.
I broke down and called my lawyer today. Didn't get a hold of them, just left a message to see if they got my faxed documents from two weeks ago and see where we are in the process. As I hadn't got a scathing email or call from my wife as of yet, I'll assume she hasn't been notified that I'm requesting we move forward. It'd be nice to know if there is a time frame I can wrap my ahead around to begin anew.
I'd also like to get these boxes out of my sight, and start advertising for a possible roommate. My wife is still barely chipping in, and as I opened her unemployment benefits envelope, I noted that she has about 3 - 4 weeks of income left. Then she will be dependant on her cash only job which may even even pay less than her unemployment by my calculations. She either needs to 'buck-up' and get a 'real' job, or she's going to be dependant on her parents for the forseable future. I don't take any pride or joy in that at all. However, perhaps her parents will finally see what I've been dealing with for the past few years and they'll put pressure on her instead of me always looking like the bad guy who only appears to care about money.
So I standby waiting for the lawyer to return my call and tell me what's up.
September 05, 2012
A solemn meal
I met my wife last night at an Italian restaurant at 5:30pm last night, smack between both my house and her parents.
I tried my best to be strong, keep my composure, and remain confident, and looking back at the events last night, I think I did a pretty decent job.
We spoke cordially and honestly, but it was tough. It was very tough to see her cry. I've seen her cry before, but not always when it comes to us. That's usually my gig.
I told her that I will not be going to counseling with her Thursday. Truth be told, I haven't even looked at the packet (i.e. homework) that he gave us last week, and I told her I wanted to be fair and just and to fill it out with a clear head. Anything I do now will be rushed, not well thought out, and I didn't want to make anything up just to satisfy her or him to say I completed it. It isn't fair to her, nor myself.
I told her that as much as I do miss her, I do not miss certain aspects of her...and I was quite blunt: I told her I did not miss her alternate side, the side that can be mean, sarcastic, unforgiving, and condescending. I told her about the not so pleasant dream I had in regards to the neighbor who now shuns me. I told her that there are certain friends of hers I'm quite okay with never seeing them again. I wasn't mean in my disposition in this explanation. I was calm and got to the point, stating these feelings matter-of-factly so as I would not lose my own composure or get distracted by emotions within. Is it better to rip the band-aid off quickly, or slowly peel it away? As a matter of fact, a mutual friend invited us both to a party in two weeks. She asked me if I was going to go. I said probably not due to the fact that the two female neighbors who despise me were invited as were a few of my wife's ex-coworkers who believed her tall tales of exaggerated untruths without ever speaking to me about my side of the events. I don't feel the need to explain myself and I don't want to feel awkward, so why would I go? I know a bunch of my other friends won't be going either due to the nature of my wife and I....we were the common bond between varying sets of friends.
I also asked how she envisioned the upcoming Holidays. She said she wanted to spend them with me, and I told her that this year, when she left for another state that my family had already began making plans. Thanksgiving will be at my moms, Christmas possibly at my Aunt & Uncles. She suggested that I can do both, that is have Thanksgiving with my parents, and then come to her sisters house in the evening. Same with Christmas. Although I suppose this is plausible, it wouldn't be easy, and I surely don't want to upset my parents. As much as I appreciate her gesture and would love to see her family....especially my FIL & MIL (I miss them dearly).
This is when she began to cry. Where she told me she feels like she's getting the short end of the stick. I replied that isn't a fair statement. She may be feeling like she's getting the short end of the stick after 5 weeks, but I got the short end of the stick for over 5 months, so her comment didn't really phase me.
When dinner was over, I insisted that I pay and we walked out together. I told her I have a pamphlet I wanted her to read about codependency in regards to me, and she said she had a book to give me in the future as well and I agreed to read it. We hugged. I told her I was sorry, it wasn't my intention to make her cry. I am not trying to get 'even', or 'vengenance', etc. But I had to tell her I need to step away for a while.
When I got home, I packed two more boxes of her stuff. One large box of some of her knick-knacks, and another box of the ridiculous amount of trial size shampoo bottles, body lotions, and other toiletries that have been in our vanity for 8 years and never used.
I went to bed, and despite taking a sleeping pill, I was up off and on all night long, and when I awoke this morning, I feel empty, solemn, and sad.
I tried my best to be strong, keep my composure, and remain confident, and looking back at the events last night, I think I did a pretty decent job.
We spoke cordially and honestly, but it was tough. It was very tough to see her cry. I've seen her cry before, but not always when it comes to us. That's usually my gig.
I told her that I will not be going to counseling with her Thursday. Truth be told, I haven't even looked at the packet (i.e. homework) that he gave us last week, and I told her I wanted to be fair and just and to fill it out with a clear head. Anything I do now will be rushed, not well thought out, and I didn't want to make anything up just to satisfy her or him to say I completed it. It isn't fair to her, nor myself.
I told her that as much as I do miss her, I do not miss certain aspects of her...and I was quite blunt: I told her I did not miss her alternate side, the side that can be mean, sarcastic, unforgiving, and condescending. I told her about the not so pleasant dream I had in regards to the neighbor who now shuns me. I told her that there are certain friends of hers I'm quite okay with never seeing them again. I wasn't mean in my disposition in this explanation. I was calm and got to the point, stating these feelings matter-of-factly so as I would not lose my own composure or get distracted by emotions within. Is it better to rip the band-aid off quickly, or slowly peel it away? As a matter of fact, a mutual friend invited us both to a party in two weeks. She asked me if I was going to go. I said probably not due to the fact that the two female neighbors who despise me were invited as were a few of my wife's ex-coworkers who believed her tall tales of exaggerated untruths without ever speaking to me about my side of the events. I don't feel the need to explain myself and I don't want to feel awkward, so why would I go? I know a bunch of my other friends won't be going either due to the nature of my wife and I....we were the common bond between varying sets of friends.
I also asked how she envisioned the upcoming Holidays. She said she wanted to spend them with me, and I told her that this year, when she left for another state that my family had already began making plans. Thanksgiving will be at my moms, Christmas possibly at my Aunt & Uncles. She suggested that I can do both, that is have Thanksgiving with my parents, and then come to her sisters house in the evening. Same with Christmas. Although I suppose this is plausible, it wouldn't be easy, and I surely don't want to upset my parents. As much as I appreciate her gesture and would love to see her family....especially my FIL & MIL (I miss them dearly).
This is when she began to cry. Where she told me she feels like she's getting the short end of the stick. I replied that isn't a fair statement. She may be feeling like she's getting the short end of the stick after 5 weeks, but I got the short end of the stick for over 5 months, so her comment didn't really phase me.
When dinner was over, I insisted that I pay and we walked out together. I told her I have a pamphlet I wanted her to read about codependency in regards to me, and she said she had a book to give me in the future as well and I agreed to read it. We hugged. I told her I was sorry, it wasn't my intention to make her cry. I am not trying to get 'even', or 'vengenance', etc. But I had to tell her I need to step away for a while.
When I got home, I packed two more boxes of her stuff. One large box of some of her knick-knacks, and another box of the ridiculous amount of trial size shampoo bottles, body lotions, and other toiletries that have been in our vanity for 8 years and never used.
I went to bed, and despite taking a sleeping pill, I was up off and on all night long, and when I awoke this morning, I feel empty, solemn, and sad.
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