In like a lion, out like a lamb.

...And such was teh case for the 1 year anniversary that she left.

It was actually yesterday.

1 year that I came home and she was gone, with much of her clothes.

Don't have much really to say on it now that it happened.  Oh, I thought about it a lot the previous two weeks.  I allowed it to keep me up a few times, but when yesterday actually came and left, the day was pretty much went by without a single peep.

The only odd that happened was Tuesday night I got blind copied on an email from my lawyer to hers at 9:30pm stating we reject her recent counter proposal outright.  I like when my lawyer said "Your counterpropsal does not support either the law or the facts of teh case.  When your client wants to get realistic about negotiation, you can contact us."

I have no idea what the offer was, but seeing that her attorney's email had some disclaimer at the end in regards to tax advice and the like, I can only assume that my wife is attempting to make me file both jointly and even pay her tax preparation.  Remember, she's quite pissed off that I am filing seperately as I will be getting a return this year, and she will have to most likely pay.  I'm sure she was counting on getting 1/2 my return, me paying her for her tax preperation, and be able to wash her hands of it.

Despite my continued mess, I had an awesome weekend.  Saw some old schhol chums from years past,...try like 25+ years.  I also had time with my parents, my church, and close friends tooks me out to dinner.  Perhaps it wasn't a perfect birthday weekend (yes, I turned another year), but a far cry from last years when my wife sent me a text message late in the day and otherwise racked with misery.

Shields Up

I was on pins and needles yesterday afternoon once I sent the note to my wife about taxes.

The lack of immediate repsonse from her meant one of three things to me:

1. She hadn't checked her email.
2. Her cell phone was either out of range or dead.
3. She didn't care.

If you bet on #1, (which I did), you were correct.  Starting at 8am this morning the first salvo of heated email came flying my way. 

I won't go into all the nonsensical details, but the gist of it was I was "screwing her...but she's used to it because that's all I do now."

*Sigh*

Yes, I am mad at that statement...and frustrated...but now I have to laugh at it.  I just have to.  It shows me (yet again) she hasn't really changed to the core, she's still in denial after a year, and what selective and revisionist history she has.

So I ask, did I screw her when:

• She left against all families advice to the contrary?
• She was let go from her job for performance related issues?
• She told the neighbors she is paying my bills?
• She accused my female friends of having an affair with me?
• When she lied about having a girls night out locally, but ended up in Vegas with another man?
• When I paid her taxes last year when she said she would pay for them herself?
• When she ran her credit cards into the ground so as collection agencies call her?
• When she called my mother out of the blue and cursed her out while drunk?
• When her first marriage failed?
• She chose happy hour over our Anniversary?
• When she told the lawer I am not giving her access to her belongings, even though I took the time to box them up, and request that she pick them up multiple times?

Yup, I was told that I am 'screwing' her.  This coming from the person who just told me she is 'NOT ON THE BOOKS' at her current 'cash only' job and who doesn't have a 1099 or W2.  My tax man said: "No way, do you want to risk that.  If she gets caught for tax fraud/evasion, I could be on the hook if I file jointly.

Whatever.

Anxiety at 3:30am

After drinking too much Ice-Tea yesterday, I found myself losing track of time and not hitting the sack until about 11:15pm.. Granted the time just changed two days ago, so maybe my body thought it was 10:15 instead.

Pretty uneventful day at work yesterday, and it looks that way again today.  Pretty slow which has given me time to think too much and then try to distract myself by listening to some podcasts I subscribe to via my phone.

I went to the gym both Saturday and Sunday, and since my dad came over this morning to walk my dog, I brought my gym clothes again with me today and I hope to get a decent shoulder workout in tonight for about 30 minutes or so before I go back home.

So a car alarm went off at 3:30 am this morning somewhere in my neighborhood.  Once I shook the cobwebs out and became somewhat aware, I decided I needed to use the restroom as well.  I looked out various windows, but never could identify where the alarm was coming from.  But I also became aware that I had a knot behind my sternum which was actually somewhat uncomfortable and interfered with my breathing.

This happens to me on occasion.  Not as much as it used to, but it does happen.  It's a mild anxiety attack.  The thing is, I have no idea what may have caused it.  I had no alcohol last night, ate a healthy meal, walked my dog after work, etc., etc.  The only thing I can think of is the fact I have to contact my wife sometime today...probably via email...to let her know she has to do her own taxes.

So I took a Clonzapam at 3:38 this morning and awaited for the effects to kick in (usually about 15 minutes).  Soon, I was sound asleep again, and even had a hard time waking up.

In the big scheme of things, this really is a trivial matter.  She's a big girl, and lord knows she is capable, albeit lazy and is expecting me to do it.  And while there should be absolutely no reason for any confrontation in regards to this, I fully expect some backlash.

I can only surmise that I've been thinking about this the last three days and at some deep level within have psyched myself out...in fear.  Isn't that sad?  I'm actually fearful on how she is going to react and I can't even justify why.  What's even more oxymoronic about this whole thing is in one of the podcasts I was listening to yesterday, the whole hour was on 'male confidence', the lack thereof and how to build it.

When I think about myself, I feel fairly confident in many aspects of my life: I've never had an issue making friends.  I am confident in my work abilities.  I am confident in my education and various skills.  I am confident in most of my personal convictions.  But I am not always confident with the opposite sex.

Yep, I said it.

I feel like I can carry on a conversation with a woman.  I can be friends with them.  I can work with them.  I can respect them.  But somehow they disarm me in a way that I suppose I mentally cower at times in terms of speaking about relationships and conflict.  I do not believe I am the 'cave man' or 'Alpha male'.  I tend to be submissive..most likely because I hate conflict.  I want people to like me, so I strive to be delicate and my boundaries are not well defined.  I am emotional.

All this plays into the definition that I am codependant.

I need to 'buk up' as they say and get my 'man card' back.  I can be strong without being a prick and that's what I need to do.  I nee to tell her: "This is how it is NOW...", and be done with it.  Don't get sucked into what she thinks or says or does, or what her family says, thinks, or does.  I need to be captain of my own ship now.  I need to believe that.  I need to own that.  I need to act the part.

The Taxman Cometh...

I will try and not let this be a rant today.  It isn't meant to be one, but I can already feel the stress this building this week.

I have a tax appointment on Saturday.  I just made it yesterday, late in the day once the tax office returned my call and we worked out a time. 

As you may have picked up through previous posts, we went together last year to see our tax man only to have to the next day be the intervention.  When the dust began to settle (after a year it hasn't completely settled yet) I was stuck paying the whole thing.  I paid for the preparation of our taxes.  I paid for both the state and federal income taxes, and I paid for the penalties that my wife incurred by accessing her IRA.

I should be over it, but truth is, I'm not.  I still feel a twinge of anger and/or frustration when I think about how she left me to pay her debt...and continues to do so.  Yes, you can say 'we' incurred the debt together as 'community' practices.  Sure, I suppose there is an argument for that but it's a hard argument for me to swallow and accept seeing that all the penalties 'we' incurred were the result of 'her' actions despite the 'numerous' times I tried to give advice.

Okay, I'm beating a dead horse.

Anyway, a few weeks back she contacted me, "out of the goodness of her heart", that she is willing to file 'jointly' with me again.  Her claim is that I will save money by filing jointly, and if I choose to go solo on this, I will be penalized by the government even more.  Sadly, my attorney agrees as do a few other I asked about it.

The issues I have with this is threefold:

1. Once again, the burden is on me to make the appointment, do the legwork, etc., where she doesn't need to lift a finger (typical).
2. Even though it may save me money for 'my' taxes, I can't shake the feeling that I'll be paying for her and her tax preparation...again.
3. She truly has pitched this to me as "I'm doing you a favor".  Anytime she can take credit for something, and let other people know that she is being 'helpful' just irks me.  I'm sure her family is doting over what a 'fine' person she is, how 'brave' and 'courageous' she is in the face of my adversity.  Maybe not, but my brain works that way.

So I need to contact her probably today or tomorrow and let her know about my appointment.  Personally I don't want to see her.  I do not want her showing up the same time I do.  I think after I am done, I will be just sending her the address (they moved from last year), and count on her to agree to go.

She also is still bugging me about the paperwork on her ring.  I hate to use this as a bargaining chip or leverage, but I may not give it to her until I know she goes to the tax man.  The flip side to this is she might be angry or not agree to go at all unless I give her the paperwork first.  But she sounds like she really needs it to sell the ring.

Truth be told is that I do feel some degree of guilt thinking like this and actually carrying this out.  It doesn't "feel" Christian-like to me...to use leverage...or blackmail.  On the other hand, I can't help but also recall the dozens upon dozens of times my wife has made me wait on her to get something done, told untruths, made me jump through her 'hoops', neglected responsibilities, and more...so why do I want to make ANYTHING easy for her? 

This post kinda flies in the face of my last few ones about 'forgiveness' as well.  Doesn't seem like I have matured much in that department...and I'm aware of that.

New counsel

This morning was a legal date for our lawyers coalled the "Trial Setting Conference".  I could be wrong, but my best understanding is that both my lawyer and opposing counsel stand before the judge and claim that both sides can't work it out on their own.

Namely my settlement offer was rejected by my wife, and her rebuttle is rejected by me...at least on paper.  So hearing that the judge tells both lawyers that the next step is that we will all meet in person at some future date (I'm assuming a few weeks or so) and hash it out as one last ditch effort before it goes to trial.

My lawyer seems to be confident that 90% of all cases are settled here as neither party wants to go to court and spend the money.  I would agree, but since my wife seems to be somewhat irrational and stubborn, it will not surprise me (and to the detriment of both our pocketbooks) if she digs in and tries to "get even" in return for my rejection of her claiming to want to work it out.

She supposedly had an interview two weeks ago.  Doing what and where, I have no idea, but her part time job isn't cutting it.  That would explain why, out of nowhere, my cell phone was hammered the last 2 days with increasingly hostile text messages (all of which I ignored) for the receipt of the ring I bought her 9.5 years ago.  It seems everyones best guess is that she wants, or needs, to sell it.  I understand that, but I'll also admit it saddens me.  It was a nice ring.  I spent a lot of time picking it out and still remember the day I gave it to her in front of her parents and mine.

Even if she gave it back to me, I could never give it to someone else.  Too many memories.

But the idea that she is demanding that I cough up the receipt magically after almost ten years in silly.  Do you keep every receipt?  And why is it she expects me to jump through hoops locating and giving it to her 'now'.  When I ask for something, she gets around to it whenever she feels like it, and I'm supposed to jump because she asked me to?  Not gonna happen.

Anyway, I have a call in to a new CPA to do the taxes.  It is not determined if my ex will cooperate or not.  Part of me says 'no', because she's mad I'm not jumping at her every command these days, part of me says 'yes' because this is yet another thing I would pay for and one less thing she'd have to take care of herself.  So I have no idea.

Finally, I meet with a new counsler today.  A faith based one.  One who doesn't know me, doesn't know one iota of our story.  But I feel the continuing need and desire to have someone address some of my 'spiritual' hangups as of late.  There is a certain level of guilt, shame, failure, anger, and forgiveness I have yet to come to terms with.  Feelings that wake me up early in the morning, that paralyze me from moving forward at times, that still make me want to crawl into a fetal position at times.  But I can tell you I've been off my medication now for at least 2 months.  I did have a minor anxiety episode yesterday based on the knoweldge of today's events and the deluge of text messages she's been sending me, but I haven't caved yet.

7 Cardinal Rules

 

A friend of mine posted this to their Facebook page, and I'm re-posting it here. 

I must have read this a dozen times already today, and each time it seems to affect me in deeper way.  All of these 'rules' ring truth on some level to each of us.  At least I'd like to think that everyone can identify to a certain extent on each one of these and how they might apply to our own lives.

I'm also going to admit to you it made me tear up slightly as well.  And don't think I haven't noticed how various topics can set me into an emotional tailspin as of late either.  This week in general I have noticed I've been abit moodier in general.  I've been quick to get frustrated, quick to snap at people, quick to make judgment, etc.

So taking these one by one:

1. I'm having an unusually hard time making peace with my past. I think because I truly believe that I haven't been able to have 'my' say to my inlaws, my ex, the friends and neighbors who passed judgement on me without knowing the truth.  In my selfish way, I feel wronged, and I can't see a rational way to correct the perceptions leveled against me, the majority of which are just untrue.
2. Because I do value my friendships and relationships, this has also been a hard one to swallow.  Not that I want it to be my business, but again, I don't like the fact people have based their perceptions and severed ties with me based on falsehoods about my character.
3. Ahhh, the cliche of all cliche's.  Not sure if I believe this anymore, at least as it applies to me.  I see that it has a direct connection to the previous 2 rules.
4. Hard to do.  Especially when I know I work hard, pray hard, take my time in making decisions and try my best to alleviate any obstructions or sources of conflict.  Namely what most of us say "That's not fair."  No it isn't.  It never will be.  Need to accept that, not necessary that I 'understand' it, however.
5. Have you read my blog?  My mind is my own worst enemy.  If I could turn my thought off, the majority of all these other rules may not even factor in.
6. Well, I may think God is in charge, but I understand the intent behind this.  As in #5, my mind is my own worst enemy and I allow this to rule my state of happiness....which in case if you have't figured out by now is pretty damn vacant.
7. I couldn't imagine 'owning' all the problems of the world, nor do I want to, nor do I think I do.  I worry about my own problems, but I think (there I go with that thinking again) that the majority of my problems would not be so if certain people lived in reality and stopped putting themselves first.  And as I type that, and read it, it comes across very arrogant and selfish on my behalf.  I don't claim to have all the answers, nor do I think I am always right or have the best way...but I do have a hard time grasping the fact that others willing drop the ball, throw in the towel, give up, lie and cheat when it others peoples feelings and emotions are in play.

No Title

I can't think of a relevant title for my thoughts today.  Is it about emotions?  Is it about love?  Anger? Confusion?  Frustration? My own pity party?  Something of all of the above?

Probably the later.

I'll shamefully admit I git sucked into watching ABC's 'The Bachelor' this season staring Sean...I'm not saying this because I'm a guy, but he rally seems like a genuine dude...who really cares about people and life.  He also comes across very articulate and smart, despite the sterotypical blonde and jock features.

I really like the guy and would consider him 'quality' friendship material if I ever met him.

But this post isn't about Sean.  I'm not even sure why I got interested in watching this.  Perhaps as some hidden level I am curious to see how 'love' works on a reality show that is part entertainment and how I would react and respond to it at my own level.

Do people really fall in love this quickly?  Is it the lights, the camera, the fantasy, the preconceptions?  I'm fascinated (God, only knows why) that not just one woman, but a handful of them all have claimed to be 'falling' for a man after these brief encounters with him in a make-believe world, and knowing that other women are vying for his attention at the same time.

Okay, so most of these woman range between the ages of 24 and 32, and I think only one claims to have been married briefly once before at the age of 17, but am I that jaded in my early 40's to be so dumbfounded my their televised devotions? 

The weird thing is, I am honestly saying to you that I'm emotional (to a certain extent) on some of the outcomes of the dates and rose ceremonies.  I 'feel' for some of these women, and wonder I haven't met anyone like this myself.  Do women really throw themselves at men, and have 'love' on their mind...claiming to be a supporter of both family and a husband and seemingly neglect all other thoughts?  Or is this just TV and creative editing?  Or is it their age and not having real world experience that an extra decade or two under their belts (like me) that can form a real foundation.

It not fair to my ex-wife, and probably not fair to me either, but as a viewer (and human) I can't help but compare snippets of my life to the ones playing out on my TV every week for 2 hours at a time.  I'm suckering myself into believing that 'I' actually have a connection with these lovelorn hopefulls, and when Sean dismisses one of them during the weekly rose ceremonies, I 'feel' bad for them.  I 'feel' to the extent that I could actually picture them as possibly my own future wife...living out the fantasy that I never recieved from my own marriage.

I look at these women on TV, hear their stories, see how they act, how they respond, their mannerisms, etc., and wonder why I didn't experience any of that.

But then I need to remind myself, I am about 10 years older.  That the tropical settings of romantic islands, or cabins with roaring fires amongst serene lakes and snow capped mountains, being jetted in private planes, having 1st class dinners, driving in limosines daily, wearing tuxedos and upscale dresses is not reality.  No I drive a 5 year old SUV, and sit in traffic an hour a day, and shop at the local grocery store in my gym clothes, and pick up after my dog, and pick up cigarette butts from my neighbors in my driveway.  I buy clothes from Kohl's, and clip coupons, and occasionally have TV dinners.  I don't have a six pack (never did), am battling grey hair, and wake up sore in my joints from a hard workout from the day before.

It's not real.  And when the cameras go away, what do these women turn into?  Where do they return?  Do they have the same mundane existance most of us do?  How do they react when the 'fairy tale' is over?  Will Sean and his fiance (presumably revealed on the last show) actually get married and live happily ever after?  Or will it end a few months later like 75% of all the contestants from the previous seasons?  If they do get married, will they get divorced like 50% of couples do these days?

More importantly, why am I allowing a show get to me as much as it has and force me to really examine myself day in and day out and my feelinsgs on love?

Couponing...my new sport

I am nowhere near the level of those crazy homebodies on 'Extreme Couponing'.  I don't scour the papers, local ads, or Internet for hours at a time just to save $.25 on snacks I'll never eat in a 100 years.

But I am getting good at it.

I have to be, being a single man who supports himself these days.  It's becoming a new ritual for me.  I get the Sunday paper, sit down with a cup of coffee and my scissors, turn up the radio, and clip away the items I know I will use, and the occasional items I think I 'might' use someday in the future.

I also signed up for my grocery store's electronic rewards program where I get an email about 3 times a week for items coming up on sale.

I average around 35% savings every Sunday when I grocery shop for the week.  That's a combination of paper coupons, electronic coupons, and a little pre shopping stragegy for the week.  It's not uncommon for me now to plan out dinners based on weekly ads and how much I'll buy.

The lowest I think I've saved is around 24%.  That's when I first started.  My personal best record is either 47 or 48%, but like I said, it's generally around 35-37% for the most parts these days.  On a single income, that's quite substantial.  I'm spending roughly only $.65 on the dollar. So what used to cost me $100 in grcoceries, now only costs me around $65. This is generally pretty good as I figure I'm saving about $100 a month (probably more like $125-150), or $1,200+ a year.

I wish I could say this also translates into eating healthier....but alas, it doesn't.  I don't buy candy bars, sugar cereal, soda pop, or heavily breaded or fried fare...but I do get an occasional frozen pizza now, or some other 'rich' skillet meal with cheese sauce (maybe some Haburger or Tuna helper).  I could still cut back on the carbs I suppose, and eat more veggies or 'natural' products.  I'm aware of this, and do try, sometimes with better results than others.  I also note that I ingest a little too much sodium though from frozen meals or cup of noodles I take to work for lunch. 

I'm getting good at noting marketing patterns as well.  I don't think most guys pay any attention to this, and perhaps women do but they just don't discuss it or find it interesting as I do.  What I'm saying is that I can predict pretty well now when certain items will go on sale based on upcoming holidays, or coupons in the weekly paper, commericials, or even judging marketing/sales cyles (Ex: Oscar Meyer lunch meats have not been on sale the past two weeks, but Hormel and Johnson Farms has, so Oscar Meyer is due for a sale either next week or the week after).  That's a lame example, but it holds true.  If Coke is on sale this week, Pepsi products usually are the following, and I save coupons for my next trip.

I even bought myself a coupon organizer from Amazon sometime back, and it really helps.

These savings also translate into me bringing more bagged lunches at work.  Not only is this a savings from going out to lunch a few times a week, it also save me money on gas.  I noticed that over the last few months, my estimated MPG in my car has crept up from 19 MPG to 20.2 MPG these days.  I'm actually making my tank stretch a little further nowadays as well, which is really important since gas prices in my area just spiked again ($4.29 a gal for 87 octane today).

Going to CR on Friday nights, or just staying home has also helped.  I'm not hitting the town throwing away $25 for friday night dinners and drinks.  If I am going to have a beer or a mixed drink, I do it at home.  I can get a whole bottle of Jack Daniels on sale for around $15, whereas a single Jack & Coke's at the local watering hole is now $6 each!  There was a while I was having a few beers every Friday night after work.  Generally that was $20 give or take afew every Friday...probably closer to $85 - 100 a month.  Now I don't.  That's a huge saving right there if you think about it.

Video games?  I buy used or wait until they are 3-4 months old, because they usually drop in price afetr an appropriate cycle in time like most software.  Why buy a game on day 1 for $59.99, when I can get it for $29.99 or $39.99 4 months from now?

Lastly, this mentality has carried over to my utilities as well.  I may have mentioned it before, but when I am gone to work for the day, I don't have fans running in the house 24/7 as 'we' did under the old regime.  I unplug certain appliances if not in use (toaster, electric shaver chargger, oscilating fans, etc.) and make sure the lights are all off. With her out of the house, my utilities have actually dropped to 1/3rd their former level...yes..this is fact.

I get a kick when the checker behind the cash register looks at me and says, "Pretty good for a guy.  I'm impressed."

So call that a silver lining if you will.

A Lesson from Paul

When others are happy, be happy with them.  If they are sad, share their sorrow.  Live in harmony with each other.  Don't try and act important, but enjoy the company of ordinary people.  And don't think you know it all! 

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.  Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.  Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible.

Dear friends, never avenge yourselves.  Leave that to God.  For it is written:

"I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord.

Instead, do wha the Scriptures say"

"If your enemies are hungry, feed them.  If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you."

Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good. (Romans 12: 15-21)

This passage is from my New Believers Bible, a slightly more simplistic version than the same verses in my NIV bible, but same nonetheless.

After debating on not going to church yesterday because I really wasn't in the mood to do so, I'm glad that a friend talked me into going afterall.  The message seemed longer than usual, but perhaps God really needed to speak AT me and TO me.

See, I've been struggling the last few weeks in regards to forgivness, a degree of bitterness, thoughts of 'justice' and 'fairness', and overall moving on.  But that's the rub, these issues I am guilty of making MY own, and not placing faith in God that He will see me through it all.

If you'll recall, it wasn't to long ago I was speaking of forgiveness right here in an earlier post.  But it just wasn't about me forgiving, but trying my hardest to remember not to seek the world's brand of justice, not to seek revenge, not to drag her down as far as I can in a game of "Who's going to win this"?

The real answer is, we both already lost.  But who gains to lose more?  Not just financially, but spiritually, and in happiness.  Yes, she may indeed get 1/2 my money that I saved up and she blew through her own.  I may have the law decide I own her for four years while she continues to do nothing.

But I have a chance of finding a different type of happiness.  My habits will bring me new friends, and hopefully someday a new outlook, where I can be at peace with myself inside.  Perhaps He will introduce me to someone else, someone appreciative of what I have to offer and recognize my hard work and values for what they are and continue to be. 

On the other hand, what are the chances of her doing the same?  She will go through the alimony, she will be continue to fault everyone else, she will continue to surround herself with enablers and those who don't know His word.

My grandfather is in his mid 90's, I'm in my early 40's, and I can look back over the last 30 years of my relationship with him and realize that my grandfather is still bitter although he tries to bury it deep down inside and pretend its not there.  But we see it.  He isn't fooling anyone.

He never remarried.  He never allowed himself to find that kind of joy again.  If I listen to my mom and my aunt and my grandmother, then my grandfather has been smoldering for over 50 years now.

I don't want to be that guy.

Yesterday's message was more than just being about forgiveness.  It was about not seeking vengeance.  Not seeking tit-for-tat.  Not seeking to reject.  Not about "getting even".  Instead it was about letting God handle the inequities in life, that He will deal out His justice when He is ready.  It may take months, even years, or maybe in the afterlife, but He will determine the outcome if I trust Him. 

Instead I am to kill her with kindness.

To be honest, that's hard for any of us to do.  And I am no different from anyone else. 

I can fully admit that I'm guilty of wanting to dole out my own brand of justice.  But if I do?  Does that make me any better than her?  Do I get a trophy if she is miserable and I "win"?  Will my own thoughts betray me and blind me from letting me see the person I may possibly meet in the future?  Will my own smoldering rage scare others away?  Will I miss the mark of eternal joy because I was hung up on something trivial, and material that I can't take with me into the next life anyway?  Will God look at me and say "You didn't get it my son.  I told you to forgive as I have forgiven you.  I wanted you to be a light amongst others, but instead you squandered any possible joy you could have experienced with thoughts of injustice and anger and drove others from you instead of to you."

God also says he doesn't remove anything from the faithfulls lives that He doesn't replace with something better.

I want that "better".  Not because I am greedy or claim to 'deserve' it for my trials and tribulations, but because I want to share with someone I can respect and will respect back.  I want to be treated the way I treat others and how I would treat a wife, a spouse, a helpmate, a soulmate.  I want to be secure in giving my love out again, and knowing that person will love me...in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, who puts marriage first....above stagnant gossipers trudging through life and have disposable relatinships because they may not agree on one thing.

My pastor finished yesterday with the an old saying, but he added something new (at least to me) at the end:

"They say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'.  Perhaps, but it tends to leave an aweful aftertaste for all the rest of your days."

All quiet on the Western front....sorta

It's been relatively quiet the last few weeks, that is to say, I haven't heard anything directly from 'her' side since my last post.  Which all things considering, is a good thing for me.

I spoke to my lawyer once, I think the same day as I posted, later in the afternoon and he told me not to worry.  He says this was a ludicrous offer and only a judge, out of his/her mind, would accept this.  Which begs me to ask, if the counetr offer is so outlandish to begin with, why did her lawyer allow that offer to even float over?  I guess it really doesn't matter...maybe her lawyer allowed this to happen to either: A) see if they could get a rise out of me and how I would react, or B) Everything my ex-wife does earns her lawyer $$, even the silly stuff she can be billed for, but I do indeed wonder how my wife is paying for this all.

I know I'll end up paying her some alimony, but the longer she doesn't get her hands on it, the better.  The only news I really have to report is that my lawyer and hers have a meeting on Feb. 26th as a preliminary to setting a trial date.  This is mandated by the court and I have a copy of the official summons, so it is moving at a snail's pace....but it is moving.

One really sad thing happened this past week that breaks my heart, but also goes to prove yet again that my wife has infact not changed is the following:  My step-daughter turns 21 in about two weeks from now and she posted the fact she is having a party in a few weeks.  A mutual friend of my wife's and mine (Mostly my wife as they grew up together, went to school together, were best friends at some point) asked my step-daughter if she could attend.  My step-daughter said yes and sent my wife's friend the details.

The very next day, my step-daughter (who as I said will be 21) was forced to call this person and "un-invite" her per my wife's crazy demands.  My wife is upset that this person was "one" of the people that shared the fact that she lied to me and went out of town to meet her male 'friend' when I was led to believe she was taking part of a girl's night out only 30 minutes from our house, as opposed to 4 hours away in another state.

So yes, my wife has been texting some nasty stuff to her ex-friend blaming her for taking my side, and thus is not invited to her daughter's birthday.  This person has helped my wife so many times in the past, even prior to me, by babysitting her daughter when she was growing up, attending other functions, and countless other favors.

There is absolutely nothing I can do here but shake my head at my ex.  This person is heart-broken for being uninvited, but not by my daughter, but by my ex.  My ex is so bitter and angry in these text messages, there is no way she has 'changed'.  How she has her parents believing she is, is beyond me.

This is the person who accuses me for not being able to forgive her, but apparently she can't forgive her own best friend for exposing her own double-life.  Good Lord.  Even though this incident has nothing directly to do with me, it still affects me indirectly to see how vitriolic my wife can be and how she continues to hurt those that don't agree with her or see her side.

I told this person she is better off.  Be strong.  You didn't do anything wrong.  Your only crime (and it's only a crime to my wife) is that you exposed her lies, and you weren't the only one.  Why do you want to be associated with someone who can throw away a 30 year friendship just as easily as an 8 year marriage? Be happy.  Don't let her rob your joy, because if you get caught up in the drama, you gave 'her' the power....that is me talking from experience....first hand.

"It's not about the money.....But,...."

"....I want all of yours, even though I blew all mine."

Ah, the famous mantra of my estranged wife.

If you haven't been paying attention as of late, this weeks marks just over 10 months that my wife walked out on me.  And when she walked out on me, she took with her:

• More than 1/2 our joint checking account.
• Went through over $20K of her 401K/IRA savings (which I never saw a penny of).
• Left me to pay her Federal Income taxes.
• Stuck me with the entire property taxes for the year and homeowners insurance.
• Stuck me with a Credit Card with $3,200 in debt that she incurred solely.

She currently lives with her parents, rent free and has a 40 hour a week job that pays in cash...under the table...so who knows if she has any legitimate or legal earning W2.

I currently pay:

• Her medical benefits coverage.
• Her $3,200 CC in which I make monthly payments of $87 and have been for the past 10 months.
• I paid her Federal Income taxes since we filed jointly before she left.
• Mortgage, ALL utilities, my own car, insurance, gas, groceries, vet bills (BTW, she has never once asked about the dog).
• I cannot rent out the spare bedroom, because that is where all her clothes, shoes, personal belongings are....in boxes....that she won't pick up.  So I'm effectively "storing" her possessions for free.

I have offered her 2 seperate, more-than-fair proprosals, where as much as it pains me, I have capitulated certains additional sacrifices just to have her move on and out.  Both of them have been rejected.  We have no children together,, and I have gotten her at least 3 job interviews in between her sitting about the house all day long playing 'Words with Friends'.

For the past 10 months she has told me how she has "changed", that I need to give her another "chance".  That I was controlling the money. -WAIT. RIGHT. HERE.  Can someone explain to me how I controlled all the money...if we had seperate checking and savings accounts?  How was I controlling when I paid all the bills...on time....and bought everything for the house.  If I "controlled" the money...where did the money come from when she bought liquor and cigarettes?  If I "Controlled" the money, why were the banks looking for her and not me?  Who between the two of us had a bankruptcy prior to our marriage and had issues with the IRS?  NOT ME.

So this leads me up to today.

I got a new counter-offer today from her attorney.  My own attorney even had to chuckle, and said this is clearly a 'stall tactic' and cannot be serious.  Today's counter offer is as such:

• She wants 1/2 of my 401K.  Lord knows I can't ask for 1/2 of hers...she already took it out of the bank, and spent it when she wasn't supposed to because of the divorce.
• She wants 1/2 the house.  The house she never paid one dime for because she was bankrupt, the one where I paid all the taxes on it, the insurance, home improvements, etc.  The house she VOLUNTARILY walked out of 10+ months ago.
• She wants me to now pay her entire CC debt, in the neighborhood of $6K.  The debt she cannot pay.  The debt where the CC companies call for HER.  The CC's with the insane interest rates she incurred because of bad decisions, and could never pay back.
• And the best one.  She wants 60% of my monthly income for support and we don't even have kids.

But as she tells me...."It's not about the money."

Well, if it's not, why are you so keen on taking all of mine after your blew all of yours?

What Lance Armstrong is teaching me

Admitedly, I am not a huge 'bike' fan.  I don't even own a bike of any type, and I could not tell you who has ever won the Tour de France if it wasn't for Mr. Armstrong and his 'legacy', now tainted.

There's a lot of talk this week about his upcoming interview with Oprah, not that I watch or care for her network either, about his finally coming 'clean' about his alleged doping over the years.  I never believed him in the first place, I always though he was doping, but other than a passing thought, I never paid anymore than 10 seconds attention to it over the years.

But this week, his upcoming confession, seems to be the talk of the sports world.  To me,something else hit me altogther different.

I've been reading some passing commentaries on him, and even some status updates from friends on Facebook regading his interview to be shown later this week, and the topic of forgiveness came up.

There's a lot of people who seem to want to forgive him, and that's good.  There's also, as to be expected, a vocal minority that won't.  Saying he's had chance, after chance, after chance and how could he ever be trusted again?

Maybe, maybe not...but to keep things in perspective, biking is just a sport.  And what is a sport, but a game afterall?  Are we saying we never cheated at a game?  Never cheated at Monoploy or Chutes and Ladders as kid?  Never but in a secret code on a video game to gain some benefit that would help us achieve our goal...an exploit?

I suppose it doesn't matter.  Cheating, no matter how trivial, is cheating....and cheating therefor is a lie.  And a lie is a sin.

But I'm not here about fire & brimstone today.  Not getting on a soapbox about sin.

But I am going to talk about forgiveness...and who better to falls short than the guy typing out this entry, the guy in the mirror.

I am no saint.  I am flesh and blood.  Born into this world, no better nor no worse than anyone before or after me.

In my life, I have made many mistakes.  Some innocent ones, some calculated ones....but each time I sought forgiveness.  Not only from the the person I may have hurt, intentionally or not, but also forgiveness from my Lord.  Each and everytime I have fallen, God has been true to His word: "Child, you are forgiven."

Colossians 3:13, Mathew 6:14-14 & 18:21-35, Luke 3:3, Acts 13:38-39, Hebrews 9:22, 1 John 1:8-9 are just a smattering of verses talking about forgivness.

Colossians tells us, no, commands us to "Forgive those that offend us (i.e. sin against us), because the Lord our God has forgiven you.".

So why am I having an issue with it as of late?

I do not want to carry out the rest of my days as a bitter person.  I've seen the emotional damage and hardening of the heart it can do first hand.  My grandfather never forgave my grandmother for having an affair and leaving him some 50+ years ago.  My grandfather is 95 years old, and he still carries a certain bitterness towards the whole thing and you can see the agitation in his eyes even today.  He never remarried.

I don't want to be that guy.

Truth be told, because my blog is about my truth, I want to forgive my estranged wife...but I can't tell if I have or haven't yet.  The fact that I can't tell, should be a clear sign that apparently I haven't.  And that's both sad and a shame.

This past week I had another dream about her.  And last night I had a dream about my step-daughter.  I am constantly thinking about my inlaws, who turned....who said they are dissapointed in me because I haven't forgiven their daughter. 

I don't know how to repsond to that mindset.  On the one hand, they are correct.....That's where the line between forgive and forget are blurred.  I want to release her for I know for as much as she *may* have changed (little evidence of such), I don't want my future to be cloudy to others accepting me because I can't let go of the past.  I try to 'forgive' daily, but that doesn't mean I forgot the pain I have endured: the leaving, the untruths, the ridiculous accusations, the tit-for-tat mentality.

Looking back at everything else in my life, I have done a lot of forgiving this past year.  I have let go of quite a many things that have plagued me for years, if even decades.  I really don't think much about those things anymore.  I'd like to think I've attempted to mend every fence out there, and if I haven't, at least I can't think of any that keep me up at night.

That being said, I do find myself harboring...let's just say "not positive" feelings...towards my ex-wife.  I do not hate her.  I do not wish ill will or harm to her.  In a way, I will always love her.  But she did infact mess me up....big time. I am not the same person I was a year ago, even two years ago.

Many, and I mean many, peopel have told me I am better off.  They recall incidents that they said made them feel uncomfortable when they saw my wife act a certain way, usually under the influence, especially actions towards me.  I know my contemplations on the matter is still cloudy, because truthfully I don't always see it...but perhaps I was already used to it, numb to it, accepting of it already for so long it was the norm to me.

There are two new ladies in my life now, but I'm gunshy to act on anything right now.  First, my 'divorced' friend is moving out here in a about 2 weeks.  Yes, she actually is...and she's been talking to me a bit more frequently as of late...perhaps 'probing' the overall situation to ascertain if there is any future at all.  The other is a person I met at Celebrate Recovery....who is divorced herself, but with 3 teenage daughters, one of which is already in college.  She isn't looking for me to take care of her, and she knows 'everything' about my current situation and still accepts me...and even supportive.  I look at her in amazement and realize she has been more open, supportive and caring in the last few months than my wife has been the last few years.  We actually have a lot in common, but she cannot have anymore children...and I'm a bit leary that her 'financial' stability is a bit questionable.  That's one thing I cannot deal with anymore....I spent 10 years being someone's financial rock...who took and took and took and never returned.  I can't go through that again.

Okay, I'm kinda rambling now, so let me bring it back home.

Forgiveness.

Do onto others, as we would like done to us.  That includes forgiveness.  What's past is past and cannot be changed, but that doesn't mean I have to be bitter about it, because if I am bitter, then I have allowed that person to steal my joy.

9 Month, but....

...who's counting?

Apparently I am.

Perhaps that's why I awoke in a foul mood this morning.

Last night, I came home and filled my bath tub with hot water and Epsom salts and soaked for about 20 minutes before I stood and showered off.  I wanted to try and relax, but I gues I was thinking and concentrating so hard on wanting to relax, my mind really wouldn't let me.

I felt a little awkward sitting in the tub, replacing my aforementioned tumbler of whisky (I didn't have any) with a beer and tried to lean back and close my eyes.  How do women do it?  How do you relax?  I just couldn't seem to get comfortable...sliding about, never finding a 'correct' position.

The closest I came to ever feeling relaxed was a pipe-dream of me sitting poolside at a resort in the desert, cold drink in hand.  Sadly, it's windy, cold, gloomy and dark at 5:30 these days.  I can only see myself enjoying this day dream at teh bare minimum 3-4 months from now.  *sigh*

The only thing I can say is that if it wasn't for the fact I had to feed my dog, and then make a clumsy dinner for myself, my legs did feel slightly rejuvinated.  I'm not sure if it was the soaking in salts or all in my head, but my legs did feel better temporarily.  But then the phone rang numerous times.  My aunt called 3 times and I never answered...I spoke with her the day before and everything with her is some drawn out ordeal and I just didn't want to speak with anyone.  My mom called too.  I ignored her as well.

Do you know how hard it is to relax, especially when you plan on it, and then the phone won't stop ringing?  It's liek Murphy's Law or the universe in conspiring against any semblance of peace I desire.  My 'divorced' female friend also called me from outta state to let me know she was possibly moving into the area towards the end of January.  I have no idea what that means for 'us'...if there even is an 'us' anymore, and I listened to her woes about her ex wanting to keep the kids in his current state.  I guess time will tell, and I'll deal with that bridge if and when it actually comes to fruition.

So where was I?  Oh, so I awoke this morning at 5am and it dawned on me it was 9 months today my wife walked out.  Awesome.  Christmas is in 5 days and I have no spirit.  I don't even know how I can last the next two days at work....probably hour by painful hour.

I've also been off my pills for a few weeks now...and while some side effects have finally dissapeared (i.e. bloating), I can once again tell I am super moody.  My dad came over thsi morning at 7:30am, just before I left, to walk my dog...and he started asking me all these simplistic questions I know we have discussed numerous times before....and I'm trying to maintain both my composure and my patience.  He then began pointing out my windows need to be washed....Really?  You want me to wash them even though the forecast calls for rain and you don't live here?  Oh and thanks for pointing out I have a 'few' glasses out on my counter and not in the sink.

How do single mothers do it?  I mean I work all day, come home, walk my dog....then need to find time to cook dinner, clean up, vacuum, laundry, shower, feed the dog, get/open mail, shop, lack of sleep, etc....I am one person.  If I could have 8 days a week I'd take it, but you're going to come over and now nag and nit-pick at my day to day house chores.  Sure, let me pull another hour of tranquility I have set aside out of my arse and make sure my house is tidy for the one hour you are here to walk the dog.

Yeah...that too (above) is an over reaction.  I told you, I'm a little bitch today.

What Dreams May Come

My slumber has been plagued with unpleasant dreams as of late.

Over the course of the last 2 weeks, I have had no less than 7 dreams regarding my estranged wife.  So I'm averaging one psuedo nightmare once every two nights.  So 'nightmare' may be a bit strong, so lets just say they contained very 'life-like' experiences that were not pleasing or made me uncomfortable.

Of course they dealt with our relationship, or recent lack-of.

I think about all the hours I've prayed, the hours spent in various public and private forums: Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, men's groups, licensed therapists, positive reinforcement from friends and family....and I guess on a subconscious level. I'm pretty traumatized or messed up.

I wonder if all the stuff in my head the last few years that led me to depression, general unhappiness, and final resorting to "happy" pills was an offshoot, or manifestation, of deep down feelings I had or didn't have in reagrds to marital "love".

I spoke with my mom last night via phone, and I had to admit to her that my definition of intimate love with a mate, is tainted and corrupt now.  I know it's still new and raw, but I seriously don't know how people recover once their hearts have been broken.  I understand at some rudimentary level now when I hear actual cases of peoples health diminishing and in some rare cases people dying because of a "broken heart".

As of this writing, my wife would have walked out for supposed greener pastures 9 months tomorrow.  We have not spoken to each other now in two weeks.  Every time I think of her, I have a bag of emotions: hurt, frustration, disapointment, anger.....but not hate.  No, I don't hate her.  I was involved with her for just over 10 years.  I may question every poor decision she has made over and over again in my head, never really satisfied with any single answer....And I continually question myself why I allowed this to go on for so long.  Out of fear?  Out of rejection?  Out of lack of confidence?

I can't presume to know one iota on what is going on in her mind.  Where her true emotions are.  I may never know.  It flips flops.  One week she wants to reconcile and tell me how much she changed, how much she misses me, how she still loves me.  The next week she doesn't speak to me, blames me and my family for her shortcomings, becomes difficult, etc.

I've seen her cry in person in regards to our relationship.  But in all honesty, I really don't know if they are real or crocodile tears in knowing I'm not going to be manipulated anylonger, not be an open checkbook, not going to put up with this shit.

There's the impasse....my inability to decipher or determine what she says today is real and heartfelt, or not...just another sham.  In listening to her family from months ago (they have since back tracked and changed their tune), my family, and mutual friends...they have gone on to use words to describe her with not so kind definitions or descriptors.  So why am I having such a hard time digesting the overwhelming evidence and advice?

I bought some Epsom salts yesterday.  The overnight temperature hit the mid 30's where I live.  It's expected to be both windy and cold again tonight.  I am going to the store after work and treat myself to a nice bottle of whisky...something that has not been in my house in a while now.  I am going to sit in a tub, soak in hot Epsom salts, and sip a nice whisky on the rocks.  It's a poor mans spa day.

I just want the dreams to stop.

'Tis not the season

I've been super stressed out the last two plus weeks.

The days just sort of blend into each other right now, and there isn't much to be joyous about.  I coudl literally sit here for hours and unload upon various topics.  Probably one of the reasons why I haven't posted in a few days.....there are so many topics I want to 'express' or 'vent', and I just don't know where to begin.

First and foremost is the recent massacre in CT in regards to the 20 toddlers and 6 adults.  As a conservative, I don't know why I am surprised...I expected the backlash from the left on gun control, but I have kept relatively quiet on it.  Personally, I don't think it is a "gun" issue...that's my opinion...you don't have to like it, or agree with it, but I think it's a "sick" person issue.  There have been so many Memes and posters on the web from celebrities and the left showing statistics on how many people are subject to gun violence here in the states...and I will agree...it staggering.

But it's easy to point at the guns.  They are tangible objects, and the weapons that are used.  However, I think it's our nations morale decay and acceptance of everything these days.  And more importantly the increasing rejection of God in our day-to-day lives.  What many of these 'cute' Memes and posters fail to point out is that Mexico has had a ban on guns for years...and they are one of the highest ranked violent countries with thosuands dying every year from guns...So I ask...How is that ban working out for them?  It's also no surprise to me that gun critics pick and choose statistics that fit their agenda, and blatantly biased.

Did you know Israel arms many of their teachers?  Most teachers are trained and carry weapons in plain sight over there, and when was the last time your heard about a school shooting over in Israel?  Probably never.

Personally I don't own gun.  I really don't.  It just seems expensive, and a 'possible' threat in my house...so I don't own one.  I will also say as a conservative, that I do not understand the need for assault rifles and military grade machine guns in our country.  If I were to change any of the laws here, it would be a ban on those guns such as M-16s, or AK-47s.  But theoretically, they are already tough to get....except if you are a bad guy.  Just ask any gang member in any inner-city, or Mexican drug cartel person, or doomsday prepper.  There's a saying: "When there's a will, there's a way."..so those individuals who want those guns, will eventually get them...And if they don't....well other things kill people just as easily.  Just ask Timothy McVeigh...Using fertilizer, and a rented van, he killed many people in Oklahoma just as easily...without a gun.  Oh, and the same government that is up in a tizzy about this, is the same adminsitration that 'lost' even worse guns during the ongoing "Fast & Furious" debacle and let them fall into the hands of south of the border cartels.

So again, I'm not sure if it's about guns.

It's about people with nothing else to lose in life.  Who are mentally checked out. Where time and time again, the warning signs were there, but society shunned them.  They felt rejected from family, friends, work.  They didn't fit in.  And if they didn't fit in, why did no one take note and try to offer them love or a helping hand?

Because we are slowly....but surely...turning into a society who has turned their backs on religion.  Various groups mock any religion.  And with the mocking comes the laws.  Remove the 10 commandments from the schools and courtrooms.  Remove the crosses from the cemetaries.  Remove the nativity scenes from the downtown square.  Remove the word "Christmas" and replace it with "Holiday".  No one should be offended, so lets remove everything our fore-fathers fought for, and our Military defends.  No more Pledge of Alleigance in class.  No more church clubs on campus...we need to make way for gay clubs, transgender clubs, pass out condoms, etc.

Okay...you may have thought (or are thinking) I have lost my own mind.  But take a few minutes and look around.  Do you make an effort to greet your neighbors everyday, or are you on your cell phone?  Do you read to your kids at night and play family cames with them, or do you give them a Nintendo 3DS and ship them off to a quiet place in the house?  Do you take your kids to church, even if you don't believe yoruself, or do you tell them it fairy tales and those showing compassion from the Good Book are crackpots?  Do you stand up to your city council when they threaten to take away the Christmas trees, the minoras, the crosses, or are your watching Housewives of New Jersey or Honey Boo-Boo.

We are increasingly becoming more and more detached from one another.

Ask yourself,...how was our society different 20, 20, 50 years ago?  Do kids curse more today than they did when your parents were that age?  Was there that many drugs and sexually transmitted diseases?  Were their noses buried in Twitter and Facebook, or did they actually talk to people...face-to-face?

Was politics, either left or right so ingrained in everything we do?  Sure people will always have strong opinions...but they weren't always so laced with profanity, threats, and lack of manners. 

I really feel for the families.  I do.  I pray for them.  I don't wish that on anyone.  I do believe these 20 children are with God right now...and I'd like to think they will be eternally happy and joyish, even if their lives were cut short here...but this world is corrupt...and just is getting more disgusting by the day.

I think it's ironic that all the news anchors, pundits, politicians all start off by saying "Our prayers are with the American people tonight."  Aren't these the same people who otherwise nightly want religion out of our daily lives...that pesky Jesus and God and those commandments out of public view.  But when bad stuff happens, we ask "Where was God in this?" 

I ask..."Where were you when God tried calling you?"

I don't think God left us.....we chose as a country, to leave Him.

Gloomy Friday

The weather sure took a turn last night.  It really does look like winter around here, or at least appears as to what one would expect as a typical foggy London day.

It's not really raining, but the air is thick with moisture and gray and chilly.  Everything is wet via condensation, much more than typical.  Traffic reports have warned to keep our lights on as visibility is reduced.

When I got home last night I wasn't in the mood to walk my dog, but as exasperated as I was, I did anyway.  It's not his issue that I had a long day at work, back to back to back meetings and a reduced lunch.  He's just happy to see me, and I, him.

A friend offered to come over and make me dinner last night, and I agreed.  Before my friend came over though, I did a rare thing...I sat in my shower/tub with a beer and just let myself soak in the warm water.  If I had a set of two x-chromosomes, I may have even put on some relaxing music and dimmed the lights.  Then I remembered a quip from a sitcom I saw earlier in the week where they were talking about men taking baths, and one of the jokes had a punch line along the lines of "Ewww...I'm not into testicle tea".

It made me laugh.

It was then I also wished I had some Epsom salts.  I know that sounds weird, but I read an article earlier this week about the multiple health benefits of soaking in a tub of Epsom salts.

As I just gelled in the tub for a bit, I kept thinking about taking vacation.  Not now though...it's obviously the holidays, but sometime in a few months.  I need it to be: A) slightly warmer and B) Wait for the days to get a bit longer.  See, I wanna hang out at a pool and relax, drink in hand, and watch the sun set at 6:30 or so.....not 5pm.  I'm thinking about going back to the Grand Canyon.  It's been about 6 years since I've been, and I really want to take the train in Williams again.  It was so much fun, and the stars at night were just incredible.

Despite the fact I was indifferent about having company, I didn't say "No". so my friend came over and made me a chicken dinner.  It was pretty darn good for what it was, and afterwards we just watched a little TV.

I must have slept wrong as I woke up this morning at 5:00 with a crick in my neck.  Annoying enough that one aspirin didn't help and I took another hot shower this morning.

Work is slow once again today.  It's so erratic. 

I'm on the fence about going to CR tonight.  I didn't go last weekend and even though it is strictly voluntary, I feel obligated to go...not sure why.  Part of me just wants to go home again if this weather continues (as it appears it will), watch some TV, eat some leftovers, and turn on my gas fireplace, dog in lap.

Merry Christmas...from your lawyer

Sometimes I really just need to sit back and be amused at life.

This isn't supposed to be downer post...I'm just posting because it is kinda funny.

So yesterday, in the mail, I got my first official Christmas card of the season....

From......

.....My lawyer.

No joke.

I went to my mailbox when I got home like I normally do, collected everything in it, walked in my house as I'm putting down my stuff and noticed a gold-ish envelope addressed solely to me.

Imagine my chuckle at all things holy and a perfect summation of this year when I realize my Christmas card is from my lawyer, signed by his office, and also included was his business card (in case I forget his number?).

Talk about an exclamation point on all things backwards.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spoke to my grandfather today during a brief break in a day chock full of mindless training.  I have some mandatory time off coming up in a few weeks, so I told him I'd drive up one day and take him to lunch.  He sounded very thankful about that.

I also received a very nice email from my step-daughter today.  In a nutshell, she says she'll always consider me her step-father, no matter what, that I always treated her nice and she knows the crap I've been going through. 

--Wow--  That made my day.

The Grinch stole my Christmas.

When it rains....

So I had dinner with my mom last night after sitting in traffic for 45 minutes to go 20 miles and wasn't really relaxed to begin with.  It's hard to get relaxed after working all day and then knowingly subjecting yourself to sitting in ridculous traffic just to have a sandwich with your mom.

To say I was a little wound up was an understatement.

It didn't help when my mom informed me mid-meal that my aunt and uncle have decided not to drive  the "whole 2 hours" this year for Christmas.

So not only did Thanksgrieving take a back seat this year, it appears Christmas has been cast off by my portions of my family as well....which makes me a little, no- rephrase, pretty sad.

So not only has my annual Holiday memories and experiences of 10 years been decimated by my 'other' family, it appears that my own family is going to make it that much un-special.

To be honest, I kinda feel crappy about the whole thing.

Really crappy.

2012 will go down as the worst year of my life. and I'm so glad I have only 26 more days to endure it.  I am seriously going to try my hardest to make 2013 'MY' year, no matter what the stakes.

I'm so tired of taking a back to seat to everyone else's selfish ideals and putting themselves first, that I can't take people (even parts of my own family) seriously anymore.

Other than my dog and my parents, I am putting myself first in 2013, ramifications be damned.  That doesn't mean I'm going to turn into a douche, or someone arrogant...it's just I'm not going to wait on people anymore that eventually let me down for their own self-serving interests.

I am determined that in 2013 I will take a vacation.  And I think next year, I am going to try and visit my relatives in Michigan for a real "white" Christmas...the kind I have never experienced before.

As I was digesting this new revleation from my mom last night, she actually suggested that she, my father, and I go to a movie and out for dinner on Christmas.

WHAT?!?!?

When did we decide it was okay to act like we are in a retirement community and pretend we're all 75 years old and Christmas is "just another day"?  Not me.  Screw that.....I don't want to see a movie on Christmas.  I want a home cooked meal, egg nog, blinking lights, crappy music, sit around in my PJ's or sweats, look at a crackling fire, have some champagne and have my pup curled up on my lap giving glory to the one true Lord who died for my salvation.

Guarding the mouth

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. (Psalms 141:3)

A simple phrase.  A simple command.  Yet so hard to do in practice.

Joel Osteen touched on this verse this past weekend, and I've been mulling it over in my head and am going to make a conscious effort this week to speak positive to those that I come into contact with, and to also *try* and have a positive attitude.

How many times have we heard that our moods affect those around us...for better or for worse?

If we are Debbie Downer of Negative Nelly, who wants to be around us?

If we constantly walk around in self-doubt, a cloud over are head, mired in negativity...don't we drag ourselves downs and thus perpetuate our own stereotype?

There's a reason there's the phrase "Birds of a feather, flock together."

Jesus, God, & Holy Spirit only want the best for us.  For you.  For me.  For our friends.  For our family.  However, it just isn't our day to day actions on display for others to interpret.  It is also our words, our attitude, our mindset.

Perhaps God has sent an Angel to us with our answered prayer, but the only reason we are not receiving this answer is that we have put up our own roadblocks from obtaining it.  These roadblocks may in fact be the words we speak.

If I am constantly negative, always down, nothing kind or positive to say....is it any wonder that blessings don't come my way?  Perhaps God has told that Angel..."Oh, he will get his promise fulfilled, but not until her is ready, so hold up upon delivery."

Thus, I must guard my mouth.

I may be angry.  I may be disappointed.  I may be hurt.  But I need to recognize those feelings for what they are, accept hem, deal with them, and treat them as a life and character building lesson.  I may not like the way that my wife portrays me, what she said (truthful or her version of the truth), I may lose friends (who weren't 'real' friends to begin with) but that doesn't mean I need to stoop to that level.

By stooping to that level, I am not helping myself and look bitter.  And if project those feelings to others, imagine what it is doing to me hour by hour, day by day.

My personal challenge this week is to not speak negative about my situation.  Not to lower myself to name calling.  Try my hardest (and it will indeed be hard) not to be bitter or angry.  It s recognizing that this person is sick in a different way than I am.  Where I am codependent, she is in denial.

I must pray for a softening of both of our hearts.  For the ability for me to forgive and move forward, and for her to do the same.  I cannot control her, but I can attempt to control myself.

If I am able to guard my mouth, I cannot feed into the enemies glee of destruction and bring others down.  They will look at me in the end as a positive person, who will not get sucked into the trifleness of petty speak.

The change starts within, and if I can manage to change my attitude, perhaps my blessing will come sooner rather than later....God willing.

Polenta, introspection of love, & the Holiday Spirit

I have once again allowed myself to be overtaken by the thoughts of the world.  Those thoughts are the natural outcome of grief, guilt, shaky faith, uncertainty, and a lack of trust that God is with me every moment of every day.

I've been having a hard time as of late getting into the Holiday spirit.  I have not decorated the inside of the house, haven't thought about baking (yes, I do in fact bake), haven't started my Christmas shopping, and internally cringe when I think about decorating the outside of the house.

People with kind hearts and well meant advice will tell you that the best way to overcome grief and depression is to continue your normal habits, even if that other person is no longer there to share them with you, to help, or to be a part of.

Thanksgiving wasn't the same this year....you can read about that from an earlier post.

As I sit still on my couch on a rainy day this past Sunday, the same thoughts begin to creep in regarding Christmas.  This may be the last year my grandfather is with me (he's 96 now).  My Aunt and Uncle live at least 2+ hours away.  My step-daughter and nephews have their own lives and families and will spend this year with my wife's family.  Speaking of which...again....this will be the first time in 10 years that I have not spent the Holidays with my inlaws.  I am not sure my exact feelings on all this.  Other than right this minute, I try not to think about it too much.  The less I think about it, the better I am.  Out of sight, out of mind.

During a brief break in the weather yesterday, and sheer boredom, I went ahead and decorated the outside of my house.  The funny thing is, is that I am not sure for whom I decorated for.  Was it for me?  Was it habit in order for me not to look like the neighborhood Grinch?  A sign to the neighbors I'm still alive and kicking?  Was it for the little kids on my street who pass by my house everyday to and from school so that I contniue to make their memories special?  Was it a silent punishment towards myself to remind me what my life has been for the past 9 years?  Do I secretly wish to recapture any feeling of Christmas altogther, for as of late I feel as I am missing it?

There's probably a small fraction of all those things together somewhere banging around in my head.  I just don't really know, but the fact is I did it.

I *had* to call my wife on Thursday night last week after speaking with my lawyer to see if she had any input whatsoever on the negotiation process.  I didn't want to make the call, but I have to get this ball rolling, and I had to man up. 

The call was very tough.

Same 'ole, same 'ole.  She tried to turn all this into one colossal guilt trip for me.  I didn't want to argue back.  Not that I beleive she is right, it just seems pointless for me to waste energy on getting heated up and discussing reality with someone who just doesn't want to listen, who doesn't beleive they are n the wrong, who still fails to take ownership of certain things.  Yes, those things are in the past, but all your pleading, accustaions, guilt trips, manipulation of words doesn't change the facts and doesn't change the decisions made, and doesn't change the amount of hurt.  I can forgive...I just cannot forget....and I will not allow myself to be a sucker any longer.

I don't care if you think I listen to my family and my friends too much.  The feelings are the same...I am a much better person in everyone eyes without the never ending drama, arguing for arguing sake, hurtful things said and done.  There is an overwhelming consenus that you may have changed on the outside, but it's only temporary, and because you have nowhere else to go, and now you realize that.  You realize what a mistake you have made, and I am the bigger fool if I turn my cheek yet again and accept it.  That is me saying the last 10 years I am willing to give you a pass on...a do-over. 

Well, I'm not.

She asked me if I still *loved* her.

That was Thursday night, and it has entertained my thought process for almost 4 days now, and truth be told.....the more I think about it...the more I have convinced myself I'm not sure what that kind of love is anymore.

Isn't that sad?

Oh, I know I love my parents.  I love my dog.  I love my God.  I love my friends.  But intimate love between mates, husband/wife, lovers?  I don't beleive I understand the definition anylonger.  That feeling has been tainted.  You stopped being my best friend years ago when you skipped out on our Anniversary and my birthday...because bowling was more important.  The definition got warped when Valentines day came and went and I didn't even get a card.  I don't know what "love" is anymore when I come home and the closets are empty and you travel to a diffrent state without telling me where you are going, or when you are coming back.  I don't know what intimate love is when you ask your friends to cover for you and 'pretend' you are having a sleepover with your girlfriends only for me to find out later it was all a lie and you may or may not have been with a male companion.  And you tell me today you love me and I need to let the past be the past and we can move on from here.

No, I'm sorry...I cannot.  Maybe you can...but that has been your MO for as long as I have known you...sweep it under the rug and ask for a do-over.  No, a do-over makes me an idiot, and possibly setting me up for a worse fall than I have aleady endured sometime in the future. 

No, you made your bed, you must now lay in it.  And maybe you have changed.  Maybe deep down you are turning over a new leaf.  Maybe you have been reborn.  I'm just no longer willing to take the risk to find out.  I will never know 100% if you really love me, or it's just a charade because I'm a pushover and I'm easy and I'm a security blanket.

Your sister and brother and mom and dad may no longer wish to speak with me anylonger.  That sucks, it hurts, but I guess it's okay.  Let them pay your bills now.  Let them deal with the half-truths.  Let them deal with the shitty attitude and mood swings.  They've only dealt with it for 4 months.  I dealt with it for 9 years.

The good news is that I know women that already want to date me now.  The bad news is now I understand that my 'love' is tainted.  I am on constant guard.  My walls are being built up.  I don't know what "trust" is anylonger.  AS many days as I break down, there are now days I am also unfazed, because my belief in these matetrs has been shattered.  I look at the millions of pieces of emotions strewn about my feet in a large blast radius, and I don't even know where to begin to begin for re-assembly.

I went to my parents house for dinner last night. 

I needed to.  I needed to hear from them one more time that I am in fact making the right decision.  That I am not second-guessing myself.  That someday this will all pass, and happiness can be mine again...because I deserve it.

My mom made polenta grassa....an Italian dish.  A rarity and a treat.  It was so good, and each bite reminded me that I was 10 years old again and with my grandparents.  It was comforting and familiar.  As I sat and ate slowly, I looked around my parents house....the house I grew up in the first 18 years of my life.  What I wouldn't do to go back.  It felt cozy, and warm, and loving and peaceful.

I just sat there and allowed myself to decompress for an hour or so.  My mom allowed me to take some leftovers home...which I gladly did.  It was a rainy night, and when I got home a nice hot shower followed by crawling into my bed at 9:30 and drifting to sleep.  I got up this morning at 7:18am, so it was a good 10 hours and I loved it.  I'm hoping I can recpature it again tonight.