I don't even know where to begin.
There's not enough prayers or words of encouragement right now that can help fill the gut wrenching, heart-breaking void that is my life.
It seems these past few days a steady diet of Xanax, Lexapro, water, sleepless nights, staring in the mirror, wailing tears, and wondering when/where/what went wrong has brought my marriage to the desolate wasteland that it now appears to be.
The family came together and had the intervention this past Sunday, but it's not the outcome I was hoping for, nor the way I would have started it. Even though my SIL/BIL only have the best of intentions, and really want to help me and my wife they tipped our hat about the "meeting" before I even knew the hour. Of course, my wife felt naturally betrayed by me and places 99% of the blame, vitriol, anger, and venom at my feet without even knowing how events were set in motion. Everyone explained to me that I should expect that, but unless you are in my shoes, with my heart, and my mind, I can't even begin to explain the level of hurt, frustration, pain, and emptiness I feel.
All the hugs, prayers, supportive words, and telling me I did the "right" thing, doesn't make any of this any easier to cope. They say it gets better with time, but I've never been big on cliches and the big looming question mark over my head and the state of where we stand.
It was a family decision to have an intervention, not just mine. And even then, I was wishy-washy, scared, feeling vulnerable, and not really 100% emotionally/mentally prepared. I really wanted to wait one more week, but the Interventionsist seemed to convince everyone else that 'now' was the time, not next week. I personally think it was a mistake that my BIL notified my wife via text message of a "family meeting" on her way to a concert and without telling me first. But he pulled the trigger, and events were set in motion.
My wife was on her way to a concert with her girlfriends. Imagine what the conversation was like that night. In an instant, I became public enemy #1 with her friends, and they don't even know my side of the story.
I was expecting to have a calm night at "my" house....watch a little TV, take a shower, make some dinner, go to bed. Instead, once my SIL informed me that my wife now knew, my heart sank and ice ran through my veins. Oh great, I need to get out of the house lest my wife come home late, inebriated, and start a fight with me.
I packed a change of clothes, grabbed a few toiletries, and my dog and left for my parents house. Sure enough, my phone started to receive not so nice text messages from my wife. I couldn't respond, lest I get sucked in deeper. I turned my phone off and spent the night at my parents...in tears and in fear of why, oh dear God, why am I being put through this?
My wife called my parents at 1:30am and demanded to speak with me. My mother, who answered said "No, he's sleeping and I'm not going to wake him." She called a a few more times and gave up, the whole time we thought she may drive down herself. Thank goodness she didn't.
I spent the remainder of my waking hours praying for strength and comfort and peace...sadly...not much was attained...the whole time I kept thinking "Well, this is it. The beginning of the end of my marriage of 8 years. I don't want a divorce, but for the life of me I can't see how this is going to end on a positive note. Why God? Why?"
Next: D-day
February 28, 2012
February 23, 2012
All quiet today
Not much to report today.
Met with a lawyer yesterday afternoon to check my options. The only good news that really came out of anything is that since my wife is broke, she wouldn't be able to put up much of a legal fight against me (not that I want that to begin with), and I'd most likely end up with the house.
Bad news is that I may have to pay upto 4 years spousal support in a step-down model, but that's in an extreme case.
More importantly is my dog. I know most people thinks that's crazy, but he is my puppy and my love (albeit he's six years old), and I would fight for him.
Even the lawyer suggested we use an interventionist and recomended that I also seek counsleing at Al-Anon. Probably a good idea, but I just don't have the time or energy right now. Maybe in the coming weeks.
My inlaws have offered to pay a portion of the intervnetion process, but an actual dollar amount has not been officially discussed. At least they are willing.
I took two calls from interventionists today. One seemed very nice, very reasonable, and was willing to work with my budget. I was imprssed by this because she said the ultimate goal was to get my wife help. The downside was she wouldn't be available until March 10th at the earliest.
The second one seemed to take a much more liberal approach and quite honestly I'm not sure I was buying what he was selling (plus he only had 4 years experience) and wanted to treat my wife with kids gloves. No, the whole family has been treating her with kid gloves for years, and she's steamrolled over us. He was ready to go to action this week, but I'm not ready and neither is my father in law. March 10th is two weeks away and I know that ticks my SIL off, so we'll have to negotiate.
We were going to possibly meet as a family today with an interventionist my SIL was going to set up, but since my SIL never contacted me today, I guess thats not happening.
More to come....
Met with a lawyer yesterday afternoon to check my options. The only good news that really came out of anything is that since my wife is broke, she wouldn't be able to put up much of a legal fight against me (not that I want that to begin with), and I'd most likely end up with the house.
Bad news is that I may have to pay upto 4 years spousal support in a step-down model, but that's in an extreme case.
More importantly is my dog. I know most people thinks that's crazy, but he is my puppy and my love (albeit he's six years old), and I would fight for him.
Even the lawyer suggested we use an interventionist and recomended that I also seek counsleing at Al-Anon. Probably a good idea, but I just don't have the time or energy right now. Maybe in the coming weeks.
My inlaws have offered to pay a portion of the intervnetion process, but an actual dollar amount has not been officially discussed. At least they are willing.
I took two calls from interventionists today. One seemed very nice, very reasonable, and was willing to work with my budget. I was imprssed by this because she said the ultimate goal was to get my wife help. The downside was she wouldn't be available until March 10th at the earliest.
The second one seemed to take a much more liberal approach and quite honestly I'm not sure I was buying what he was selling (plus he only had 4 years experience) and wanted to treat my wife with kids gloves. No, the whole family has been treating her with kid gloves for years, and she's steamrolled over us. He was ready to go to action this week, but I'm not ready and neither is my father in law. March 10th is two weeks away and I know that ticks my SIL off, so we'll have to negotiate.
We were going to possibly meet as a family today with an interventionist my SIL was going to set up, but since my SIL never contacted me today, I guess thats not happening.
More to come....
February 22, 2012
Slept last night
For whatever reason, today I feel 'strong'. Not that I can't crack at a moments notice, but today, for some unknown reason, I feel "okay".
Yesterday was a day of phone calls. Trying to find an affordable interventionsist, whose in the area, and meets my SIL/BIL requirements was a tad daunting. I've never had to do this before and it's overwhelming to say the least. It's even more overwheleming and frustrating when you are trying to coordinate phone calls and research with both inlaws and SIL/BIL and then waiting for them to reply with their $.02 and make everyone happy.
I know they mean well, but I am the one footing the bill, and I'm not sure they understand how emotional and stressful this is for me while I maintain my grip on sanity.
I prayed off and on most of the day yesterday, and after each call to a clinic it slowly began to sink into me that this isn't my fault, and that my wife has a problem she cannot control and that I and my daughter are the victims of this. It was also ecouranging to learn how many of these people believe in God, and two of the people I spoke with yesterday finished our calls with a prayer.
My SIL also told me she started a new bible study yesterday at her church and at the end she gave out my name and my wife's name for prayer request, so perhaps my strength today is coming from the Holy Spirit. I just hope I can maintain this strength for the coming days ahead of me.
I got a text message from a friend yesterday (beleive it or not a, recovering alcoholic himself) who met me after work to just talk to me. It was filled with my tears and pain, but that's what I needed right then....a physical shoulder to cry on and to vent and to listen. Human contact and interaction.....not via phone or email or text messages....but someone I could look in their eyes and who would look back at me. Thank you Lord.
Anyway, got home at 6:45pm, took a hot shower and my wife actually made me a pretty decent dinner (although having her Margarita while she made it). At 9:45 I could not keep my eyes open any longer and went to bed at 10pm. I was surprised that my wife came to bed as well just minutes later. She usually stays up until much later. No contact between us, but I fell right asleep and didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. Boy, I really needed that.
I told my wife goodbye, gave her a kiss (....yes, I did....) and left for work. My dad called again today on my way to work and I was glad. It's weird, but anotehr thing I am so thankful for....my dad and I have a closer relationship these days than we did when I was growing up. He told me he was concerned for my health and my mental well being....something that made me melt inside a bit...I haven't heard him say that for a long time. He says he's been praying for me hourly and knows that I am doing everything in my power, and if it fails, it's not my fault....my wife just doesn't want to change.
I took a Clonzapam with me today, just in case....but so far, I haven't had to take it. Here's to hoping that tonight will be just as calm on the home front and give me a bit to emotionally recharge and God willing, get another night of awesome sleep and remember to turn this whole thing over to God and put my trust in Him.
Yesterday was a day of phone calls. Trying to find an affordable interventionsist, whose in the area, and meets my SIL/BIL requirements was a tad daunting. I've never had to do this before and it's overwhelming to say the least. It's even more overwheleming and frustrating when you are trying to coordinate phone calls and research with both inlaws and SIL/BIL and then waiting for them to reply with their $.02 and make everyone happy.
I know they mean well, but I am the one footing the bill, and I'm not sure they understand how emotional and stressful this is for me while I maintain my grip on sanity.
I prayed off and on most of the day yesterday, and after each call to a clinic it slowly began to sink into me that this isn't my fault, and that my wife has a problem she cannot control and that I and my daughter are the victims of this. It was also ecouranging to learn how many of these people believe in God, and two of the people I spoke with yesterday finished our calls with a prayer.
My SIL also told me she started a new bible study yesterday at her church and at the end she gave out my name and my wife's name for prayer request, so perhaps my strength today is coming from the Holy Spirit. I just hope I can maintain this strength for the coming days ahead of me.
I got a text message from a friend yesterday (beleive it or not a, recovering alcoholic himself) who met me after work to just talk to me. It was filled with my tears and pain, but that's what I needed right then....a physical shoulder to cry on and to vent and to listen. Human contact and interaction.....not via phone or email or text messages....but someone I could look in their eyes and who would look back at me. Thank you Lord.
Anyway, got home at 6:45pm, took a hot shower and my wife actually made me a pretty decent dinner (although having her Margarita while she made it). At 9:45 I could not keep my eyes open any longer and went to bed at 10pm. I was surprised that my wife came to bed as well just minutes later. She usually stays up until much later. No contact between us, but I fell right asleep and didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. Boy, I really needed that.
I told my wife goodbye, gave her a kiss (....yes, I did....) and left for work. My dad called again today on my way to work and I was glad. It's weird, but anotehr thing I am so thankful for....my dad and I have a closer relationship these days than we did when I was growing up. He told me he was concerned for my health and my mental well being....something that made me melt inside a bit...I haven't heard him say that for a long time. He says he's been praying for me hourly and knows that I am doing everything in my power, and if it fails, it's not my fault....my wife just doesn't want to change.
I took a Clonzapam with me today, just in case....but so far, I haven't had to take it. Here's to hoping that tonight will be just as calm on the home front and give me a bit to emotionally recharge and God willing, get another night of awesome sleep and remember to turn this whole thing over to God and put my trust in Him.
February 20, 2012
The last 60 hours.
It's 9am and I've already been on the phone with my father once this morning at 7:45...just wanting to hear his voice and his encouragement. He says he supports me 100%, has been praying daily for both me and my wife, but understands that the bandaid must be "ripped" off soon.
He recognizes that there only seems to be two outcomes: 1) My wife breaks down and gets professional help, or 2) My marriage is over.....but as he pointed out...the choice is really all hers. I've done everything I could have possibly done these last few months, giving her opportunity after opportunity, after opportunity to make her own choices and take her priorities seriously...and instead she has chosen to hit the bottle.
Friday night when I came home the neighbors invited me and my wife out for sushi. I was dead tired being up close to 40 hours straight at that point, but I agreed and dinner was okay. My wife surprised me by actually paying for my portion, but I did have to suffer one or two cheap shots from her at dinner. I noticed that everyone at our table drank water (5 of us) except my wife who had to have a half carafe of hot sake (she was No 6 BTW).
When we made it home, I took a hot shower and was in bed by 8:30pm, and slept all the way through until 6:15am Saturday morning when I rousted myself up for my men's support group at church.
My BIL/SIL called me Saturday afternoon as I was walking the dog and we had a 45 minute conversation. I was strong through most of it, gaining their total support, although I did get choked up one or twice. They requested that I get a professional counsler to the intervention as well (of course, at my expense) to help guide the day, make sure we all stay on track, and I suppose to also make sure cooler heads prevail. After some initial thoughts, I tended to agree, and now I'm tasked today (Monday) to find one and try to figure out schedules. Ugh...more pressure and more of this landing at my feet.
Later Saturday afternoon my neighbors (another set) and my wife an I went out for the afternoon, food tasting and bought goodies home for us all to continue in the backyard while I BBQ. It was the first time in weeks that I didn't think about our "situation", and the first time I felt some peace in days. While I will give my wife credit for being cordial and nice to me this weekend, there was no affection between us. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed, but she treated me more like her friend than a husband. A roommate, not a soul mate.
Sunday morning I went to church, then the gym, and when I came home I had a few minutes alone with my step-daughter. She told me that she had called her grandparents (my inlaws) and she said she explained to them that she thinks her mom does have a drinking issue, drinks 1-2 bottles a day, and has driven while under the influence on rare occasions. She also told them about their fight the previous week in which I had to intervene.
If anything right now I'm so proud of her and happy that even my step-daughter is standing up and taking notice and being honest with the family. I'm not in this alone, although I still feel I have the most to lose.
Later yesterday afternoon, yet a third neighbor asked me to hang out with him...to get him out of the house and he'd buy me lunch. He did, and I admit I had two beers....Then my wife texted me to say she got more BBQ stuff fro me to cook and told me to come home with him to make dinner for him and his wife. We did and it was fine, although no interaction between my wife and I except cordial conversation. Soon they left, and my wife and I watched "Once upon a time." on opposite ends of the couch. When it was over at 9pm I went to bed...we didn't say anything to each other.
At 3:30am this morning, I woke up, my spirit heavy...or was it stress? I prayed for a bit, fell back asleep, got up at 6:30 and got ready for work....and left. Yet another morning where I left without saying "Goodbye" or giving her a kiss on the forehead as I've done for years.
Right now....I feel...."even", although an hour ago I was uptight, scared, ansty, mad, and just overall frustrated with the situation. She has bowling tonight...yet another $50 night for her, someone who has no money and no job, but I'm okay with that. I need the peace and quiet for the coming storm that is rapidly approaching....
God, Lord....Father....Please give me strength to stay focused, be strong, be firm, yet be loving and at peace.
He recognizes that there only seems to be two outcomes: 1) My wife breaks down and gets professional help, or 2) My marriage is over.....but as he pointed out...the choice is really all hers. I've done everything I could have possibly done these last few months, giving her opportunity after opportunity, after opportunity to make her own choices and take her priorities seriously...and instead she has chosen to hit the bottle.
Friday night when I came home the neighbors invited me and my wife out for sushi. I was dead tired being up close to 40 hours straight at that point, but I agreed and dinner was okay. My wife surprised me by actually paying for my portion, but I did have to suffer one or two cheap shots from her at dinner. I noticed that everyone at our table drank water (5 of us) except my wife who had to have a half carafe of hot sake (she was No 6 BTW).
When we made it home, I took a hot shower and was in bed by 8:30pm, and slept all the way through until 6:15am Saturday morning when I rousted myself up for my men's support group at church.
My BIL/SIL called me Saturday afternoon as I was walking the dog and we had a 45 minute conversation. I was strong through most of it, gaining their total support, although I did get choked up one or twice. They requested that I get a professional counsler to the intervention as well (of course, at my expense) to help guide the day, make sure we all stay on track, and I suppose to also make sure cooler heads prevail. After some initial thoughts, I tended to agree, and now I'm tasked today (Monday) to find one and try to figure out schedules. Ugh...more pressure and more of this landing at my feet.
Later Saturday afternoon my neighbors (another set) and my wife an I went out for the afternoon, food tasting and bought goodies home for us all to continue in the backyard while I BBQ. It was the first time in weeks that I didn't think about our "situation", and the first time I felt some peace in days. While I will give my wife credit for being cordial and nice to me this weekend, there was no affection between us. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed, but she treated me more like her friend than a husband. A roommate, not a soul mate.
Sunday morning I went to church, then the gym, and when I came home I had a few minutes alone with my step-daughter. She told me that she had called her grandparents (my inlaws) and she said she explained to them that she thinks her mom does have a drinking issue, drinks 1-2 bottles a day, and has driven while under the influence on rare occasions. She also told them about their fight the previous week in which I had to intervene.
If anything right now I'm so proud of her and happy that even my step-daughter is standing up and taking notice and being honest with the family. I'm not in this alone, although I still feel I have the most to lose.
Later yesterday afternoon, yet a third neighbor asked me to hang out with him...to get him out of the house and he'd buy me lunch. He did, and I admit I had two beers....Then my wife texted me to say she got more BBQ stuff fro me to cook and told me to come home with him to make dinner for him and his wife. We did and it was fine, although no interaction between my wife and I except cordial conversation. Soon they left, and my wife and I watched "Once upon a time." on opposite ends of the couch. When it was over at 9pm I went to bed...we didn't say anything to each other.
At 3:30am this morning, I woke up, my spirit heavy...or was it stress? I prayed for a bit, fell back asleep, got up at 6:30 and got ready for work....and left. Yet another morning where I left without saying "Goodbye" or giving her a kiss on the forehead as I've done for years.
Right now....I feel...."even", although an hour ago I was uptight, scared, ansty, mad, and just overall frustrated with the situation. She has bowling tonight...yet another $50 night for her, someone who has no money and no job, but I'm okay with that. I need the peace and quiet for the coming storm that is rapidly approaching....
God, Lord....Father....Please give me strength to stay focused, be strong, be firm, yet be loving and at peace.
February 17, 2012
To intervene, or not to intervene (part 2)
Today is a bear.
I didn't sleep at all last night and now I'm cranky and irritable and feel like I'm bubbling under the surface.
I hate waiting.
I'm waiting for my SIL to cooridinate the next steps. She and my BIL are supposed to meet with my inlaws sometime later this afternoon, or early evening and I seem to be in an emotional holding pattern.
Last night, I was on the receiving end of yet another rehashed 1 hour and 15 minute venting from my wife. Of course most of it was directed to me and about me, but there was a sprinkling of her daughter, her 1st ex-husband, and random other participants that have somehow wronged her in a way in which she feels is why she is where she is now....miserable.
I sat and listened....quietly...I've heard it all before....multiple times. The tune doesn't change, just the day and the hour. Somewhere around 45 minutes into I half tuned out. I wasn't about to get mad, scream back, do something stupid that could be used against me. I just grinned and bared it and pretended this will all be over soon enough.
After 8 years of marriage I realize when it is absolutely pointless and fruitless for me to respond. Just best let her vent, and let herself repeat adnaseum...as if the first 10 times she yelled about something it didn't sink in or I didn't hear.
But somewhere last night (at least I say that now) I mentally hit both an emotional and mental wall of sorts, and realized that this is never going to change, not until she wants to change herself and get help. I'm done.
I have to worry about my own mental health, and state of being. I have to worry about being able to focus on my job, and be able to sleep and be healthy. I cannot do that with her random behaviors that everyone recognizes except herself.
Whereas yesterday I was scared of losing my wife, of admitting my marriage is over, thinking about divorce is a sin in God's eyes, and afraid of the eventual confrontation that somehow is destiny......now I just want the day to come where she makes her choice and I can move on.
I emailed my SIL this morning and said, "lets get this thing going"....if I have to wait anylonger I'm going to go mad. If she is going to chose not to get help, to be angry at me, and then leave...lets just rip the bandaid and let the healing begin. Next month I'm 42, and despite battling this depression and mental fatigue, I'm still a young and good looking guy, and maybe I can start over with someone this time in which I am equally-yoked.
I'll cut this one short here.....I have more to say, more to express, but I need to clear my head a bit and take a breather....
I didn't sleep at all last night and now I'm cranky and irritable and feel like I'm bubbling under the surface.
I hate waiting.
I'm waiting for my SIL to cooridinate the next steps. She and my BIL are supposed to meet with my inlaws sometime later this afternoon, or early evening and I seem to be in an emotional holding pattern.
Last night, I was on the receiving end of yet another rehashed 1 hour and 15 minute venting from my wife. Of course most of it was directed to me and about me, but there was a sprinkling of her daughter, her 1st ex-husband, and random other participants that have somehow wronged her in a way in which she feels is why she is where she is now....miserable.
I sat and listened....quietly...I've heard it all before....multiple times. The tune doesn't change, just the day and the hour. Somewhere around 45 minutes into I half tuned out. I wasn't about to get mad, scream back, do something stupid that could be used against me. I just grinned and bared it and pretended this will all be over soon enough.
After 8 years of marriage I realize when it is absolutely pointless and fruitless for me to respond. Just best let her vent, and let herself repeat adnaseum...as if the first 10 times she yelled about something it didn't sink in or I didn't hear.
But somewhere last night (at least I say that now) I mentally hit both an emotional and mental wall of sorts, and realized that this is never going to change, not until she wants to change herself and get help. I'm done.
I have to worry about my own mental health, and state of being. I have to worry about being able to focus on my job, and be able to sleep and be healthy. I cannot do that with her random behaviors that everyone recognizes except herself.
Whereas yesterday I was scared of losing my wife, of admitting my marriage is over, thinking about divorce is a sin in God's eyes, and afraid of the eventual confrontation that somehow is destiny......now I just want the day to come where she makes her choice and I can move on.
I emailed my SIL this morning and said, "lets get this thing going"....if I have to wait anylonger I'm going to go mad. If she is going to chose not to get help, to be angry at me, and then leave...lets just rip the bandaid and let the healing begin. Next month I'm 42, and despite battling this depression and mental fatigue, I'm still a young and good looking guy, and maybe I can start over with someone this time in which I am equally-yoked.
I'll cut this one short here.....I have more to say, more to express, but I need to clear my head a bit and take a breather....
February 16, 2012
To intervene, or not to intervene. (Part I)
Anonymous asked me a question based on my last post wondering if I am stressed or relieved that my family (actually her side...they actually requested that my own parents do not participate) wishes to have an intervention with my wife regarding her drinking.
It's a complicated answer in which I've had very little time to digest the whole situation and feel that somehow this decision is out of my hands.
A bit of background first:
It's a complicated answer in which I've had very little time to digest the whole situation and feel that somehow this decision is out of my hands.
A bit of background first:
- My wife had a terrible first marriage that did not end on good terms.
- My wife can be emotionally stubborn and proud, and finds it very hard to admit her weaknesses, let alone when she is wrong or the ability to say 'sorry'.
- Her relationship with her daughter is tenous at best.
- You've probably realized (if you've been reading me for any amount of time), that our relationship is also tenous, at best. Some good days...some bad days.
- My wife has been out of a job for 10 months now, and gave up looking about 3 months ago.
- My wife does not regularly attend church, nor has a desire too.
There are other points as well, including the ones I bring to the table, but suffice to say I think whereas I can admit my demons, my shortcomings, my faults...my wife is in complete denial of her own. And now that she doesn't work, this has 'enabled' her to hit the bottle a bit more than normal as a form of 'escape', although I'm sure like most functional alcoholics, she will completely deny that.
As far as the intervention goes, yes, I'm both stressed and feeling releived at the same time. I just want it over so I can figure out on how to move on, one way or another.
However, it seems (not that I'm faulting her) that my SIL is full steam ahead on this and kinda took charge. We spoke the other day about my wifes Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde personality, and the next thing I knew (less than 24 hours later) was that her family wants to have an intervention, and soon.
My wife does indeed need help and needs to be confronted, but I can't help but feel this is all going to blow back on me and perceived by her as all my doing. In fact, I just wanted my SIL to talk to my wife about getting her butt in gear and start looking for a job since when I bring it up at home, it generally starts an argument.
I asked for the support of my SIL/BIL and inlaws to sit and talk with her in the coming weeks to see what her 'plan', if any, was. To 'strongly' encourage her to go back to school, or start looking for a job again. The drinking was mentioned and my SIL and MIL agreed that my wife has a drinking problem (so do I). My step-daughter asked for the intervention.
Wham-o.
I get a call saying we need to get together soon and I should rehab numbers ready. This is all a lot to digest while I am at work and can't actually talk to anyone.
To be continued.....
Drugs make me tired, or is it more?
Since I started yet another regime of mood stablizers, anti-anxiety medication, and cholesterol meds, I have been more tired than usual as of late.
But I wonder how much is due to the drugs, and how much is due to me just being emotionally tired.
The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Some good days, some bad. There have been days of secret tears, and other days of public laughter. Though God requests us not worry about the future, I fully admit (as I have many times before) that this is an issue I struggle with. I give it up to the Lord, and eventually take it all back, wondering why my prayers aren't heard and what is this whole "in His time" thing mean?
Yesterday it rained and by the time I got home I was cold and a bit hungry. My wife who stayed home all day had made nothing, so I made myself a can of soup. We didn't speak much yesterday when I got home, and to be honest I was quite okay with that.
I went to bed at 9pm and tried to watch some TV but my eyes were heavy and by 9:45 I gave up. The next thing I knew it was 3:30 and my wife had grabbed her blanket and pillow and went downstairs. I imagine my snoring was keeping her from sleep and I have no idea what time she went to bed. Nor did I care. I fell back asleep at about 3:40 and was fine until 6:30 when she made her presence known by flopping back in our bed (I'm sure trying to wake me up and let me know she was frustrated from her lack of sleep...she's like that...I'm not).
I finally arose at 6:45am and had my two cups of coffee.
It is now 9am and I swear, I could go back to sleep right now. I know that the side effects of these drugs are drowsiness, and I can tell the Lexapro is starting to kick in. My thoughts are focused one minute, then a slight haze the next.
I did receive a text msg from my SIL yesterday afternoon. She said she was planning on talking to her mother sometime around or just after 4pm, but I haven't heard anything yet.
Tonight, my wife and I are still supposed to go out to dinner. At least she acknowledged that this morning as I left and reminded her we have reservations at 8pm. I'm attempting to salvage Valentine's Day, although I don't have much hope. Just need to make it through the next 80 hours or so until Sunday night.
I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm.
But I wonder how much is due to the drugs, and how much is due to me just being emotionally tired.
The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Some good days, some bad. There have been days of secret tears, and other days of public laughter. Though God requests us not worry about the future, I fully admit (as I have many times before) that this is an issue I struggle with. I give it up to the Lord, and eventually take it all back, wondering why my prayers aren't heard and what is this whole "in His time" thing mean?
Yesterday it rained and by the time I got home I was cold and a bit hungry. My wife who stayed home all day had made nothing, so I made myself a can of soup. We didn't speak much yesterday when I got home, and to be honest I was quite okay with that.
I went to bed at 9pm and tried to watch some TV but my eyes were heavy and by 9:45 I gave up. The next thing I knew it was 3:30 and my wife had grabbed her blanket and pillow and went downstairs. I imagine my snoring was keeping her from sleep and I have no idea what time she went to bed. Nor did I care. I fell back asleep at about 3:40 and was fine until 6:30 when she made her presence known by flopping back in our bed (I'm sure trying to wake me up and let me know she was frustrated from her lack of sleep...she's like that...I'm not).
I finally arose at 6:45am and had my two cups of coffee.
It is now 9am and I swear, I could go back to sleep right now. I know that the side effects of these drugs are drowsiness, and I can tell the Lexapro is starting to kick in. My thoughts are focused one minute, then a slight haze the next.
I did receive a text msg from my SIL yesterday afternoon. She said she was planning on talking to her mother sometime around or just after 4pm, but I haven't heard anything yet.
Tonight, my wife and I are still supposed to go out to dinner. At least she acknowledged that this morning as I left and reminded her we have reservations at 8pm. I'm attempting to salvage Valentine's Day, although I don't have much hope. Just need to make it through the next 80 hours or so until Sunday night.
I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm.
February 15, 2012
Slightly Empowered
Yeah, this is the second post of the day. Not exactly sure what this means other than I'm a bit antsy this afternoon.
Spoke to my sister-in-law today at length and she revealed some things to me about my wife and also believes that my wife in in need of both therapy and rehab. I'm not exactly sure why her family keeps dancing about around on eggshells regarding her drinking. Probably the same reason I do....she can be a BEAR when confronted about her drinking and no one wants to take her on by herself. The thing is, I at least admit it up front. I think they know it as well, but have a slightly harder time deciding who is going to take the first step, or any step for that matter.
Maybe it's the Lexapro talking right now, but after our talk, I had a little more confidence into taking matters into my own hands. That is to day, standing up for myself and putting myself first. Lord knows my wife doesn't. She makes sure she is first, as reiterated by my SIL.
When does one stop caring? For me it fluctuates. I'm honest to say right this second I feel brave, but ask me again in two hours or tomorrow, and I might be singing another tune.
We still have tentative plans for tomorrow evening and supposedly Saturday afternoon, so I just have to make it through the next 96 hours or so. Sunday can't get here soon enough, and I have to figure out what I/we are going to do.
I stare at the clock right now and I have 70 minutes left at work. Then I have a 30 minute commute after that. So in approx 100 I get to enter my domain of 'bliss' (*sarcasm).
Right now I just don't give a crap.
As my SIL just said "How can it get any worse?"
True dat.
Spoke to my sister-in-law today at length and she revealed some things to me about my wife and also believes that my wife in in need of both therapy and rehab. I'm not exactly sure why her family keeps dancing about around on eggshells regarding her drinking. Probably the same reason I do....she can be a BEAR when confronted about her drinking and no one wants to take her on by herself. The thing is, I at least admit it up front. I think they know it as well, but have a slightly harder time deciding who is going to take the first step, or any step for that matter.
Maybe it's the Lexapro talking right now, but after our talk, I had a little more confidence into taking matters into my own hands. That is to day, standing up for myself and putting myself first. Lord knows my wife doesn't. She makes sure she is first, as reiterated by my SIL.
When does one stop caring? For me it fluctuates. I'm honest to say right this second I feel brave, but ask me again in two hours or tomorrow, and I might be singing another tune.
We still have tentative plans for tomorrow evening and supposedly Saturday afternoon, so I just have to make it through the next 96 hours or so. Sunday can't get here soon enough, and I have to figure out what I/we are going to do.
I stare at the clock right now and I have 70 minutes left at work. Then I have a 30 minute commute after that. So in approx 100 I get to enter my domain of 'bliss' (*sarcasm).
Right now I just don't give a crap.
As my SIL just said "How can it get any worse?"
True dat.
When pain turns to anger
Straight up: I had a physical last week. New doctor. My vision is 20/15 (pretty good for 41). My blood pressure is still a bit elevated (stress I assume), and we had a talk about depression.
I'm on a new cycle of 20mg Lexapro. Also taking .25mg of Xanax for anxiety attacks when they happen----usually a discomfort in my chest, like a knot, with a little trouble of breathing and sometimes cotton mouth.
I've been getting a lot of support from my parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law, and my church. I am not getting any support from my wife....you know, the person who can do no wrong...ever.
Yesterday was Valentines day.
I bought my wife her favorite flowers: Tulips. I bought her two cards as well, one sweet, one a bit 'randy'. I also wrote her a note exclaiming that after 8 years I am indeed still in love with her.
None of these were acknowledges. In fact, I did not receive a card in return.
Last week she told me she loved me...twice.
Last night she accused me of hiding something on my computer. It turned out to be a IP address in my history that was password protected. When I showed her it was for our wireless router and gave her the password so she could check it out herself, I received no apology.
Another Valentines day ruined and in the trash.
To her it's about trust.
I broke her trust sometime back and have since apologized with all my heart at least 100 times if not more. Okay, I admit...during some lonely times I surfed some adult material on the web...and tried to cover it up...and got caught. I have learned my lesson and know this is not pleasing to God or my wife. She said she could forgive me for the indescretion, but not the cover up.
I understand that and have taken full responsibilty and have repented 100 times as well. I went as far as to come clean to my parents, my in-laws, my church, and my BIL/SIL. They have all forgiven me. Christ has forgiven.
My wife has not.
I understand that trust has been broken. That I brought this on myself. But I am human. I make stupid mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. She makes stupid mistakes...and I forgive her. I ask for forgiveness as much as I deal it out.
But this happened some time ago. And just last week, things were fine. So why yesterday, of all days, did all this have to be dredged up yet again...to be thrown in my face...again. To be reminded that her trust is broken and I'm not worthy.
I have spent weeks, months, years in tears for one reason or another....asking God to intervene in my marriage. And nothing. Nothing but my constant heartache, pain, unfocused days, and sleepless nights.
Last night I got angry. How long is long enough? How many times must I apologize for the past? 100? 1000? 10,000? I have been paying penance forever, and continue to do so. But last night I told her I was hiding nothing....and that was the truth...but she spent 45 minutes trying to uncover something that wasn't there to begin with. What happened to that love she claimed she had for me 1 week ago?
So today I'm angry. Not lose-it-out-of-control-anger, but anger that she will not get over this and she cannot forgive me. Her heart is hardened, like Pharoah.
I am reaching the end of my rope. I know I have said that before and last time I was so close to seeing a lawyer. I need a fresh start. A do-over. A person who can love me despite my faults and with teh ability to forgive and move on......not to constantly berate me and hit me over the head at random times and rehash the past so that no wounds will ever heal.
God...I scream..."Where are you?"
I'm on a new cycle of 20mg Lexapro. Also taking .25mg of Xanax for anxiety attacks when they happen----usually a discomfort in my chest, like a knot, with a little trouble of breathing and sometimes cotton mouth.
I've been getting a lot of support from my parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law, and my church. I am not getting any support from my wife....you know, the person who can do no wrong...ever.
Yesterday was Valentines day.
I bought my wife her favorite flowers: Tulips. I bought her two cards as well, one sweet, one a bit 'randy'. I also wrote her a note exclaiming that after 8 years I am indeed still in love with her.
None of these were acknowledges. In fact, I did not receive a card in return.
Last week she told me she loved me...twice.
Last night she accused me of hiding something on my computer. It turned out to be a IP address in my history that was password protected. When I showed her it was for our wireless router and gave her the password so she could check it out herself, I received no apology.
Another Valentines day ruined and in the trash.
To her it's about trust.
I broke her trust sometime back and have since apologized with all my heart at least 100 times if not more. Okay, I admit...during some lonely times I surfed some adult material on the web...and tried to cover it up...and got caught. I have learned my lesson and know this is not pleasing to God or my wife. She said she could forgive me for the indescretion, but not the cover up.
I understand that and have taken full responsibilty and have repented 100 times as well. I went as far as to come clean to my parents, my in-laws, my church, and my BIL/SIL. They have all forgiven me. Christ has forgiven.
My wife has not.
I understand that trust has been broken. That I brought this on myself. But I am human. I make stupid mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. She makes stupid mistakes...and I forgive her. I ask for forgiveness as much as I deal it out.
But this happened some time ago. And just last week, things were fine. So why yesterday, of all days, did all this have to be dredged up yet again...to be thrown in my face...again. To be reminded that her trust is broken and I'm not worthy.
I have spent weeks, months, years in tears for one reason or another....asking God to intervene in my marriage. And nothing. Nothing but my constant heartache, pain, unfocused days, and sleepless nights.
Last night I got angry. How long is long enough? How many times must I apologize for the past? 100? 1000? 10,000? I have been paying penance forever, and continue to do so. But last night I told her I was hiding nothing....and that was the truth...but she spent 45 minutes trying to uncover something that wasn't there to begin with. What happened to that love she claimed she had for me 1 week ago?
So today I'm angry. Not lose-it-out-of-control-anger, but anger that she will not get over this and she cannot forgive me. Her heart is hardened, like Pharoah.
I am reaching the end of my rope. I know I have said that before and last time I was so close to seeing a lawyer. I need a fresh start. A do-over. A person who can love me despite my faults and with teh ability to forgive and move on......not to constantly berate me and hit me over the head at random times and rehash the past so that no wounds will ever heal.
God...I scream..."Where are you?"
February 07, 2012
Questions of faith.
"Strive to trust ME in more and more areas of your life. Anything
that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running
away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have
hidden in the difficulties. If you beleive that I am sovereign over every
aspect of yoru life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don't
waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment -- accepting things esactly as they
are -- and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances." (Jesus
Calling by Sarah Young)
That's my problem God... No matter how much I try not to, I do waste energy regretting the way things ought to have been according to me. I know your plan isn't necessarily my plan, but you know my heart, and my heart aches. From an early age you blessed me with a great mind...a mind that could think outside the box. A creative mind with a great immagination. I had visions early on on what my life was going to be like: A happy marriage, A loving wife, beautiful kids.
Yet somewhere down the line, I must have blinked, because none of those visions came true. No...somewhere my thoughts went astray. I became plagued with self-doubt, confusion, queations of faith. The doctors said I am prone to depression, that my brain doesn't make enough of the chemicals it should be. Not enough seratonin or endorphins or whatever.
My wife once said I was 'broken' and I needed to be 'fixed'. At first I thought she was just saying things to say them in the heat of the moment, but now.....I'm not so sure. Maybe I am just this side of 'clinical'. Maybe I am indeed on the precipice of functional.
Lord, I literally cry out and weep to you. Give me strength. I don't care about the cliches of You will only give me as much as I can handle. Don't you get it God? I don't want to handle anymore. I want a break. I want some peace. I want to wake up and be joyful for this day you made....but I'm not.
I tried the Lexapro. I tried the Cimbalta. I tried therapy. I tried prayer. I tried to give it all to you, to lighten the load, but somewhere along the line I failed. I took it back, or maybe I never gave it to you to begin with. I don't even know anymore. It's all so hazy.
I made an appointment to see a Dr. this Friday morning. I need different medications, or a stronger dose. I'm depressed Lord....You know this to be true.
Why does the scripture "To die is to gain." keep echoing in my head. Satan, is that you? Are you really stalking me at every single corner, or is my mind becoming so feable in some aspects, I can't identify anylonger whose got their hands in what anymore?
When does my life become fun again?
December 06, 2011
Sleep Delerium
I'm super tired today.
You ever reach that point where you are so tired, you can't sleep, and your mind is quiet aware that your body is just going through the motions? That's how I feel right now.
Although I am on two cups of coffee and a crappy sausage breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box...my head feels a combination of 'high' and 'numb'.
I went to bed last night at about 9pm, and struggled to keep my eyes open while watching TV until about 10. Shortly after that I feel asleep..say 10:15 or so? Next thing I know it's 1:45am and from then I am up until sometime around 5am where I drift off again, just to wake up for work at 6. So, if I'm lucky I've got just about 4 hours sleep.
What does that mean? It means I'm a bit irritable today...i.e. grouchy.
You ever reach that point where you are so tired, you can't sleep, and your mind is quiet aware that your body is just going through the motions? That's how I feel right now.
Although I am on two cups of coffee and a crappy sausage breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box...my head feels a combination of 'high' and 'numb'.
I went to bed last night at about 9pm, and struggled to keep my eyes open while watching TV until about 10. Shortly after that I feel asleep..say 10:15 or so? Next thing I know it's 1:45am and from then I am up until sometime around 5am where I drift off again, just to wake up for work at 6. So, if I'm lucky I've got just about 4 hours sleep.
What does that mean? It means I'm a bit irritable today...i.e. grouchy.
December 05, 2011
Spiritual Attack
I'm human.
Plain and simple.
I have a lot of faults. Many of my own doing and design, others by circumstance, outside influence, or circumstances beyond my control. But God promises to always give one a way out. It's nice to know that in hindsight, and when thinking about the future, but most of us are ruled by the moment. When fall and stumble when we are at our weakest, and many times we don't even think about God....not at least until after the fact when we find ourselves in a pickle or begin to reap the consequences.
That's how I feel lately. I believe the Holy Spirit has been working on me for a long, long time, but I've been either ignoring it or fighting it, thinking I will have time in the future to make it all better and everything all right. Instead, I succumb to temptation and then become so self-convicting of myself it make me physically ill.
Today is day 10 (?) of my 20mg Lexapro cycle. I have a knot of stress behind my sternum that started Saturday night and ebbs and flows with the hours. I cried at church yesterday....I was (and still am) pretty emotional and filled with self-angst, indicating to me (or at least the way I am currently interpreting it) that the meds haven't kicked in yet. I don't feel balanced, and now I'm beginning to wonder if this time it isn't a brain/chemical thing, or a Spiritual warfare thing.
The last few weeks I've felt a calling from God, at least I think I am, and that's the last thing the Enemy wants....fro me to have joy and be in God's presence. So the Enemy is using his old tricks againts me in full force. He is telling me I am not worthy, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve a solid marriage, I don't deserve to be forgiven for my thoughts and desires.
It's an uphill battle, and he knows my weakest point is my heart and my mind. I am my own worst enemy, full of self-conviction. I know that if I repent and declare with my heart my faults and sins, that God will forgive me. That is His promise to us. So why can't I forgive myself? If He is master of everything and can do anything, including forgiveness, why do I have a hard time as a lowly person doing the same? Am I better than God? Do I not believe He cannot forgive me? Absolutely not!!! But the world throws things at me....cold shoulders, snide comments, accusations of self-worth, anger and negative emotions directed towards me that cloud my vision. And once my vision is clouded, I internally wrestle with myself and my thoughts. I proclaim I am not worthy even though God says we all ARE!
But where does this self-loathing come from if I am one with God? The Enemy, while ultimately defeated, is still strong today and wishes to attack me....us...to get our eye of the Lord. It seems the more I pary and the more I delve into the Word, the more opposition is thrown my way. The trials and tribulations don't relent and it is taxing. I was so emotionally and physcially drained yesterday I slept for at least 8 hours, and could have slept more.
God, please hear my cries out to you. Pick me up. Heal me. Heal my wife. Heal our marriage.
Plain and simple.
I have a lot of faults. Many of my own doing and design, others by circumstance, outside influence, or circumstances beyond my control. But God promises to always give one a way out. It's nice to know that in hindsight, and when thinking about the future, but most of us are ruled by the moment. When fall and stumble when we are at our weakest, and many times we don't even think about God....not at least until after the fact when we find ourselves in a pickle or begin to reap the consequences.
That's how I feel lately. I believe the Holy Spirit has been working on me for a long, long time, but I've been either ignoring it or fighting it, thinking I will have time in the future to make it all better and everything all right. Instead, I succumb to temptation and then become so self-convicting of myself it make me physically ill.
Today is day 10 (?) of my 20mg Lexapro cycle. I have a knot of stress behind my sternum that started Saturday night and ebbs and flows with the hours. I cried at church yesterday....I was (and still am) pretty emotional and filled with self-angst, indicating to me (or at least the way I am currently interpreting it) that the meds haven't kicked in yet. I don't feel balanced, and now I'm beginning to wonder if this time it isn't a brain/chemical thing, or a Spiritual warfare thing.
The last few weeks I've felt a calling from God, at least I think I am, and that's the last thing the Enemy wants....fro me to have joy and be in God's presence. So the Enemy is using his old tricks againts me in full force. He is telling me I am not worthy, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve a solid marriage, I don't deserve to be forgiven for my thoughts and desires.
It's an uphill battle, and he knows my weakest point is my heart and my mind. I am my own worst enemy, full of self-conviction. I know that if I repent and declare with my heart my faults and sins, that God will forgive me. That is His promise to us. So why can't I forgive myself? If He is master of everything and can do anything, including forgiveness, why do I have a hard time as a lowly person doing the same? Am I better than God? Do I not believe He cannot forgive me? Absolutely not!!! But the world throws things at me....cold shoulders, snide comments, accusations of self-worth, anger and negative emotions directed towards me that cloud my vision. And once my vision is clouded, I internally wrestle with myself and my thoughts. I proclaim I am not worthy even though God says we all ARE!
But where does this self-loathing come from if I am one with God? The Enemy, while ultimately defeated, is still strong today and wishes to attack me....us...to get our eye of the Lord. It seems the more I pary and the more I delve into the Word, the more opposition is thrown my way. The trials and tribulations don't relent and it is taxing. I was so emotionally and physcially drained yesterday I slept for at least 8 hours, and could have slept more.
God, please hear my cries out to you. Pick me up. Heal me. Heal my wife. Heal our marriage.
November 29, 2011
Upheavel
My life is currently upside down.
My marriage is once again under attack and has been for the past 11 days. It's not looking to good folks, and this time, it was me who screwed up.
Things had been going well for a bit now, and I stuck my foot in my mouth, made a mistake (one too many based on my past) and I can understand why my wife may have issues with trust with me.
I'm in the dog-house big time, and I don't think there's been a day gone by in the last 11 days where I haven't been crying or submitting to the Lord. I know He has forgiven me, as has my family (I have discussed this with them already...and it was humbling and embarassing to say the least).
That being said, my wife is keeping me at arms distance until after the Holidays. Although she is cordial towards me one minute, it can turn somewhat hostile the next in which I just need to sit and listen. That's tough.....to listen to the same accusations day in and day out. I know I screwed up...but to be reminded numerous times a day in spirit crushing.
My sleep and eating cycles have been disrupted, and even in the same room, I feel 100 miles away from her and it kills me.
I'm now on day 5 or 6 of a new Lexapro cycle to help me cope as well as some mild anxiety medication. The sleeping pills I take at night don't seem to help much.
Lord give me strength, and peace of mind, and rest my soul. Through you, even the most hardened hearts can soften. I am human, and I am not perfect. I will occassionally stumble, and thus try harder the next time. Why do these silly temptations get in my way time and time again?
I also need to learn to forgive myself.
My marriage is once again under attack and has been for the past 11 days. It's not looking to good folks, and this time, it was me who screwed up.
Things had been going well for a bit now, and I stuck my foot in my mouth, made a mistake (one too many based on my past) and I can understand why my wife may have issues with trust with me.
I'm in the dog-house big time, and I don't think there's been a day gone by in the last 11 days where I haven't been crying or submitting to the Lord. I know He has forgiven me, as has my family (I have discussed this with them already...and it was humbling and embarassing to say the least).
That being said, my wife is keeping me at arms distance until after the Holidays. Although she is cordial towards me one minute, it can turn somewhat hostile the next in which I just need to sit and listen. That's tough.....to listen to the same accusations day in and day out. I know I screwed up...but to be reminded numerous times a day in spirit crushing.
My sleep and eating cycles have been disrupted, and even in the same room, I feel 100 miles away from her and it kills me.
I'm now on day 5 or 6 of a new Lexapro cycle to help me cope as well as some mild anxiety medication. The sleeping pills I take at night don't seem to help much.
Lord give me strength, and peace of mind, and rest my soul. Through you, even the most hardened hearts can soften. I am human, and I am not perfect. I will occassionally stumble, and thus try harder the next time. Why do these silly temptations get in my way time and time again?
I also need to learn to forgive myself.
November 08, 2011
Eyesight is going on me
The last few days, I have forgotten my eye-glasses at home.
And now that I don't have them with me, they are more missed than ever.
When did my reading ability get so hazy? It's as if when I turned 40 years old, God flipped yet another switch within my body and has allowed for my once 20/15 eyes to get very tired and fuzzy. The cruelty of it all is that: A) I love to read, and B) I started building models about a year or so back and my eyes are needed more than ever.
I'm really noticing my issues today as I got a new textbook to begin studying for an exam I wish to take in a few months on convergence technologies. I cracked the book open today, and noted that my eyes are both very fatigued in feeling, and appropriate reading distance from my face....everything is becoming increasingly blurry.
It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. At this rate, it'll be sooner rather than later, that I will need to wear reading glasses full time, or opt for surgery. Just a Godly reminder that our bodies...our earthly temples...are not perfect, but finite, and as in all things in the circle of life...they too have begun to show their age and break down slowly with each passing day.
That's the irony of it all...a sick joke the universe plays out. Musicians who lose their hearing, Master Chefs that lose their sense of smell, engineers who lose their dexterity, and those of us who read and observe the world through our eyes....begin to lose our sight.
And now that I don't have them with me, they are more missed than ever.
When did my reading ability get so hazy? It's as if when I turned 40 years old, God flipped yet another switch within my body and has allowed for my once 20/15 eyes to get very tired and fuzzy. The cruelty of it all is that: A) I love to read, and B) I started building models about a year or so back and my eyes are needed more than ever.
I'm really noticing my issues today as I got a new textbook to begin studying for an exam I wish to take in a few months on convergence technologies. I cracked the book open today, and noted that my eyes are both very fatigued in feeling, and appropriate reading distance from my face....everything is becoming increasingly blurry.
It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. At this rate, it'll be sooner rather than later, that I will need to wear reading glasses full time, or opt for surgery. Just a Godly reminder that our bodies...our earthly temples...are not perfect, but finite, and as in all things in the circle of life...they too have begun to show their age and break down slowly with each passing day.
That's the irony of it all...a sick joke the universe plays out. Musicians who lose their hearing, Master Chefs that lose their sense of smell, engineers who lose their dexterity, and those of us who read and observe the world through our eyes....begin to lose our sight.
October 25, 2011
8 year anniversary
Today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.
My wife is home asleep as she still is not having any luck finding a job, and I am having my coffee at my desk this morning loathing, yet thankful, for the job I do have. The stress of the last few months hasn't been as bad as I initially anticipated, but I'm not jumping up and down in glee either.
God has been good these last few weeks. I've been having a real internal struggle and self-conviction in regards to my thoughts, desires, lusts, and general frame of mind. I've been praying more often and breaking out the bible a bit more trying to find some comfort and peace in all this. Not just my home and financial life, but all the wacky things going on in the world as well.
One minute I do indeed find comfort, then next, I'm a bit nervous.
I have to keep reminding myself that salvation is done through grace, not by works, as I continously catch myself wondering if I could have done something better, or was I good enough today. How many times did I sin, and how many times did I recognize that and repent? And did I really mean my repentenance? I hope that I do.
Anyway, 8 years. Not all of them have been great. I'm sure my wife would say the same, as would any real couple that is honest with themselves.
I think back to "what if's", such as "What if I didn't get married?", "What if I chose to get a divorce?", "What if I married someone else?", "What if I did check out?" There have been a lot of tears, cries for justice, stretches of extreme loneliness, despair, anger, and sadness.
And God has gotten me through all that...thus far.
No, my life is far from perfect. I don't have the life I wanted. I don't have the child I dreamed of. I don't have the best job. I haven't been able to take my hobbies to the next level. I pray that my wife would be more of a companion.....but this is the 'lot' the Lord has planned out for me.
It could be worse.
I could be living in Libya, or Iraq, or Mexico I suppose. I could have a disease or some other ailement. Or worse,.... maybe I wouldn't know the Lord.
The point is...and it's a stretch (even for me)...that I have to recall that old cliche...."the grass isn't always greener on the other side". I need to be thankful for what I do have. And even though my marriage and my day to day life may seem dull, tired, going through the motions....I do love my wife...even if she has a different type of love for me I don't quite grasp.
Things between us have been better that last few weeks. And there is a lot of potential in her, and in us, and I continue to pray that God softens her heart and draws her closer to Him. I think when she is ready to submit to Him, and accept Him....perhaps our marriage will be what He initially intended.
My wife is home asleep as she still is not having any luck finding a job, and I am having my coffee at my desk this morning loathing, yet thankful, for the job I do have. The stress of the last few months hasn't been as bad as I initially anticipated, but I'm not jumping up and down in glee either.
God has been good these last few weeks. I've been having a real internal struggle and self-conviction in regards to my thoughts, desires, lusts, and general frame of mind. I've been praying more often and breaking out the bible a bit more trying to find some comfort and peace in all this. Not just my home and financial life, but all the wacky things going on in the world as well.
One minute I do indeed find comfort, then next, I'm a bit nervous.
I have to keep reminding myself that salvation is done through grace, not by works, as I continously catch myself wondering if I could have done something better, or was I good enough today. How many times did I sin, and how many times did I recognize that and repent? And did I really mean my repentenance? I hope that I do.
Anyway, 8 years. Not all of them have been great. I'm sure my wife would say the same, as would any real couple that is honest with themselves.
I think back to "what if's", such as "What if I didn't get married?", "What if I chose to get a divorce?", "What if I married someone else?", "What if I did check out?" There have been a lot of tears, cries for justice, stretches of extreme loneliness, despair, anger, and sadness.
And God has gotten me through all that...thus far.
No, my life is far from perfect. I don't have the life I wanted. I don't have the child I dreamed of. I don't have the best job. I haven't been able to take my hobbies to the next level. I pray that my wife would be more of a companion.....but this is the 'lot' the Lord has planned out for me.
It could be worse.
I could be living in Libya, or Iraq, or Mexico I suppose. I could have a disease or some other ailement. Or worse,.... maybe I wouldn't know the Lord.
The point is...and it's a stretch (even for me)...that I have to recall that old cliche...."the grass isn't always greener on the other side". I need to be thankful for what I do have. And even though my marriage and my day to day life may seem dull, tired, going through the motions....I do love my wife...even if she has a different type of love for me I don't quite grasp.
Things between us have been better that last few weeks. And there is a lot of potential in her, and in us, and I continue to pray that God softens her heart and draws her closer to Him. I think when she is ready to submit to Him, and accept Him....perhaps our marriage will be what He initially intended.
October 07, 2011
Steve Jobs
It's been a few days now since the infamous Steve Jobs passed away, and I'll be honest, I don't give too much indepth thought to when certain celebrity personalities die, but somehow his death has had me in some deep thinking.
I'm always bummed out to a certain degree when a personality I tend to like or follow passes, but I don't dwell on it. If it was an artist or an actor/actress, I may go back and break out and watch an old movie or go through my record collection to hear some fondly remembered tunes. I may even read their wikipedia page to glean some interesting tid bit of information to satisfy my curiosity to one degree or another.
But Steve Jobs is different to me.
I don't own any Apple products at all. No iPhone, iPad, iPod, Mac or anything else. It's not that I have anything against Apple (other than the fact they are overpriced pieces of hardware). As a matter of fact, I think Apple (and Steve Jobs vision for that matter) made a huge impact on the world this past decade as far as technology goes. Let's face it...the hardware (overpriced as it is) is solid stuff. Idiot proof. Simplistic, yet functional design.
I will agree with some of the newspapers and media outlets that he was indeed a modern day Edison. An inventor with a drive and a vision. Yes, I'll agree that a world without his inventions would be a radically different place, and I'll miss anything future he may have had brewing in his brilliant mind.
But that's where it stops.
I'm actually really shocked and dumbstruck on how many people (at least in the states thus far) are mourning him like a god. Within minutes of his passing, many peopel I know on Facebook changed their profile pictures in rememberence of him. Twitter was aflood with "RIP" messages. Tributes began springing up almost instantaneously. People proclaimed we have lost an incredible mind, and incredible person, and they were downright distraught. In all seriousness, his death has garnered a legion of ordinary people thinking he was akin to being the messiah.
The fact I'm taking issue with, is just that: He isn't a god. He isn't a messiah. As a matter of fact, by all accounts I've read....he was an athiest, and somewhat vocal about it. Now, I have no clue where his mind or heart was at in the final moments. I'm not sure of us will truly know, but if I were a gambling man...I would wager he passed still as an athiest.
I'll even go further in saying that of all the condolences I've read or heard thus far on various media websites or outlets, I have yet to hear one person say "We know you are with God." -or- "Our prayers go to your family." -or- "God Bless."
Seriously, I have not heard one mention of God, prayer, Christ, heaven which strikes me very oddly.
That bums me out.
I'm not going to quote bible verses today, but you can probably guess where I think Steve may have ended up. And I'm not happy about that. I take no delight in anyone losing their soul to spend enternity absent of God's presence. Especially a mind as brilliant as his.
I even included the cartoon above which pokes fun of the pearly gates, as if Steve Jobs has more organizational skill than Peter or heaven itself. I found that very odd as well, because that cartoon popped up on the Internet within hours of the news of his passing. Maybe I'm being over-sensative on the matter.. What's done is done and no prayer today can change the mind or heart of the departed after the fact.
October 06, 2011
Catching up
Whoa, It's already been a month yet again since my last post. Boy, does time fly or what?
I had to read my last post to remember where I was some 40 days ago and it's weird to read that because it felt as if it triggered those emotions all over again. Does that make sense? As I read my last post, it was like time transported me back and I was living in that exact moment...kinda liek the movie "Groundhog's Day".
So, let's catch up....
Wife is still not working. It's somewhere between 5 and 6 months now and still no bites. I'm not exactly sure how many jobs or what types she is applying for, but nothing as of yet. I still have a grave suspicion she could be trying harder, or lower her expectations a tad, but pride is a silent but strong monster in her psyche. The few jobs that are 'available' to her, are 'beneath' her as she says....well, I don't know what to say at this point. She has made no effort to go back to school or learn a new trade....and I'm waiting for a new textbook to come in for myself because I will be taking another certificate course within the next few weeks as it applies to my trade and craft.
We still don't have health insurance, but at least my step-daughter has supposedly taken it upon herself with my wife's encouragement to get her own through her part time job. Yes, my daughter actually did get her old job back, albeit later than we all expected her too, and she still isn't working more than 25(?) hours a week? She did check out the community college in the area and even took an assesment test a few weeks back, but we still haven't heard any plans on her behalf. Perhaps she is waiting for next semester? I'll have to ask. She still isn't paying us any rent. I'll have to ask my wife why not and when we can expect it as well.
So my job? Well, truth be told....I took a personal day yesterday. I just needed it. It poured at my house all day, so I sat down and watched TV, played my Xbox, hit the gym, and was in bed by 10pm....and I slept in until 7am today. Felt good to get away from the office. I'm just really burnt out here now too after 4 years....not of my job....but of the insane politics and the inability of my managers to make a decision on anything that costs more than $5. Oh, I totally get that we are in an extended recession,....and it's tough to find a job,.....but my company also removed paper towels and hand sanitizers from the restrooms to cut costs, and now I hear they may be getting rid of the already shitty freeze-dried coffee to boot. Yes, I come to a place that is already demoralizing every day...plug through it 8 hours day...to come home to the same ole, same ole.
Rinse and repeat.
In other news, I began to volunteer for the Billy Graham crusade through my church. I've been praying on the sidelines for months now, if not longer.....I feel as if God wants to use me somewhere...perhaps as a lesson to my own beliefs, behaviors, and mental state. My sinful side has been making excuses as to why I shouldn't volunteer, but the urge has been strong lately. God is still working within me, allowing me to be self-convictive of myself. I know that salvation is not based on "works" but on faith and mercy from Christ, but I still have a feeling I need to be doing more to share His word and lead others...quite possibly even through my own pain and backstory.
I had to fill out a small questionnaire on their behalf stating as to how I know I am a Christian today, and what are my main beliefs (I imagine to make sure they coincide with that of the inspired word). I couldn't help but think back a few years ago to a point where self-termination was a recurring thought. I wonder, and hope I will be brave enough some day to share with my parents that I wanted to leave this mortal plane...and not by anything they did or didn't do. I don't blame them for my depression...meaning I don't think they were the cause. Although, looking back, perhaps they could have noticed a little earlier or intervened more at some point, but I'm not sure when. Yes, my mom is a control freak. I know she loves me 110%...but it's also very stifling and didn't allow me to grow socially the way I should have.
In some cases, one could say I deserve an Oscar, for my ability to "pretend" I was a functional member of society and that I could put on a good "game face" in social settings. Little did anyone know I could barely hold it together....that alcohol, Lexapro, anti-anxiety pills were in my arsenal of holding it together or pretending I was someone/somewhere else most of the time. How many times did I weep in my car? In the shower? On walks with my dog? How many times did I ask God....nay, beg....God to take me home? Man...depression sucks.
But let's not end this entry on a low note. I do feel better today....not perfect...not happy go-luck,....but better. And if I could lead at least one person to the Lord, or plant the seed, based on my own life and my own trials...I would find that very satisfying and fulfilling towards the Father.
I had to read my last post to remember where I was some 40 days ago and it's weird to read that because it felt as if it triggered those emotions all over again. Does that make sense? As I read my last post, it was like time transported me back and I was living in that exact moment...kinda liek the movie "Groundhog's Day".
So, let's catch up....
Wife is still not working. It's somewhere between 5 and 6 months now and still no bites. I'm not exactly sure how many jobs or what types she is applying for, but nothing as of yet. I still have a grave suspicion she could be trying harder, or lower her expectations a tad, but pride is a silent but strong monster in her psyche. The few jobs that are 'available' to her, are 'beneath' her as she says....well, I don't know what to say at this point. She has made no effort to go back to school or learn a new trade....and I'm waiting for a new textbook to come in for myself because I will be taking another certificate course within the next few weeks as it applies to my trade and craft.
We still don't have health insurance, but at least my step-daughter has supposedly taken it upon herself with my wife's encouragement to get her own through her part time job. Yes, my daughter actually did get her old job back, albeit later than we all expected her too, and she still isn't working more than 25(?) hours a week? She did check out the community college in the area and even took an assesment test a few weeks back, but we still haven't heard any plans on her behalf. Perhaps she is waiting for next semester? I'll have to ask. She still isn't paying us any rent. I'll have to ask my wife why not and when we can expect it as well.
So my job? Well, truth be told....I took a personal day yesterday. I just needed it. It poured at my house all day, so I sat down and watched TV, played my Xbox, hit the gym, and was in bed by 10pm....and I slept in until 7am today. Felt good to get away from the office. I'm just really burnt out here now too after 4 years....not of my job....but of the insane politics and the inability of my managers to make a decision on anything that costs more than $5. Oh, I totally get that we are in an extended recession,....and it's tough to find a job,.....but my company also removed paper towels and hand sanitizers from the restrooms to cut costs, and now I hear they may be getting rid of the already shitty freeze-dried coffee to boot. Yes, I come to a place that is already demoralizing every day...plug through it 8 hours day...to come home to the same ole, same ole.
Rinse and repeat.
In other news, I began to volunteer for the Billy Graham crusade through my church. I've been praying on the sidelines for months now, if not longer.....I feel as if God wants to use me somewhere...perhaps as a lesson to my own beliefs, behaviors, and mental state. My sinful side has been making excuses as to why I shouldn't volunteer, but the urge has been strong lately. God is still working within me, allowing me to be self-convictive of myself. I know that salvation is not based on "works" but on faith and mercy from Christ, but I still have a feeling I need to be doing more to share His word and lead others...quite possibly even through my own pain and backstory.
I had to fill out a small questionnaire on their behalf stating as to how I know I am a Christian today, and what are my main beliefs (I imagine to make sure they coincide with that of the inspired word). I couldn't help but think back a few years ago to a point where self-termination was a recurring thought. I wonder, and hope I will be brave enough some day to share with my parents that I wanted to leave this mortal plane...and not by anything they did or didn't do. I don't blame them for my depression...meaning I don't think they were the cause. Although, looking back, perhaps they could have noticed a little earlier or intervened more at some point, but I'm not sure when. Yes, my mom is a control freak. I know she loves me 110%...but it's also very stifling and didn't allow me to grow socially the way I should have.
In some cases, one could say I deserve an Oscar, for my ability to "pretend" I was a functional member of society and that I could put on a good "game face" in social settings. Little did anyone know I could barely hold it together....that alcohol, Lexapro, anti-anxiety pills were in my arsenal of holding it together or pretending I was someone/somewhere else most of the time. How many times did I weep in my car? In the shower? On walks with my dog? How many times did I ask God....nay, beg....God to take me home? Man...depression sucks.
But let's not end this entry on a low note. I do feel better today....not perfect...not happy go-luck,....but better. And if I could lead at least one person to the Lord, or plant the seed, based on my own life and my own trials...I would find that very satisfying and fulfilling towards the Father.
August 25, 2011
Continuing Challenges
Damn it!
When will it end?
I'm a bit numb today. Probably an internal defense mechanism kicking, because deep down inside, my mind is probably telling my body "What's the point in crying?" Currently I am not taking any medication, but my mental state really does seem to mimic (at least today), the fact that I cannot seem to form any emotion....maybe mild agitation.
As usual, it seems like God has dumped me in the middle of everyone else's problems just to see how I am going to react or handle it. I can't say I'm at peace, or on the other side of the spectrum, mad. I'm just going through the motions of my stagnant life (& job for that matter) looking forward these day to just going home and going to bed. I wouldn't classify that as depression (at least not yet anyway)....it's just my daily routine because I don't have the means, money, or energy for anything else.
My wife is still not working. she's taken a few odd jobs with friends and neighbors paying a little cash under the table, but as far as a real job, with a real paycheck, and real benefits....nothing. She hasn't even gotten a bite in the past three months.
And because of a paperwork screwup from her formal company, we were dropped from healthcare coverage and my current company will not let me enroll until December. So right now, we are uninsured...so we can't get sick.
Oh, and my step-daughter moved back in. Her grand experiment in a different state didn't work out. And before she was to move back with us, my wife had made it clear that she was supposed to make sure at least my step-daughters job transfered back, and she assured us it was. Well, surprise, surprise....as goes everything apparently it wasn't and I just found out yesterday. I can't help but think that she already knew this ahead of time and just told my wife what she wanted to hear and then 'feigned' shock and ignorance when she moved back in.
So yes, I now have a 41 year old wife, and a 19 year old step daughter, both with only High School educations....unemployed...and living at my house....with no health insurance....and you wonder how I'm feeling?
Just f'n great.
When will it end?
I'm a bit numb today. Probably an internal defense mechanism kicking, because deep down inside, my mind is probably telling my body "What's the point in crying?" Currently I am not taking any medication, but my mental state really does seem to mimic (at least today), the fact that I cannot seem to form any emotion....maybe mild agitation.
As usual, it seems like God has dumped me in the middle of everyone else's problems just to see how I am going to react or handle it. I can't say I'm at peace, or on the other side of the spectrum, mad. I'm just going through the motions of my stagnant life (& job for that matter) looking forward these day to just going home and going to bed. I wouldn't classify that as depression (at least not yet anyway)....it's just my daily routine because I don't have the means, money, or energy for anything else.
My wife is still not working. she's taken a few odd jobs with friends and neighbors paying a little cash under the table, but as far as a real job, with a real paycheck, and real benefits....nothing. She hasn't even gotten a bite in the past three months.
And because of a paperwork screwup from her formal company, we were dropped from healthcare coverage and my current company will not let me enroll until December. So right now, we are uninsured...so we can't get sick.
Oh, and my step-daughter moved back in. Her grand experiment in a different state didn't work out. And before she was to move back with us, my wife had made it clear that she was supposed to make sure at least my step-daughters job transfered back, and she assured us it was. Well, surprise, surprise....as goes everything apparently it wasn't and I just found out yesterday. I can't help but think that she already knew this ahead of time and just told my wife what she wanted to hear and then 'feigned' shock and ignorance when she moved back in.
So yes, I now have a 41 year old wife, and a 19 year old step daughter, both with only High School educations....unemployed...and living at my house....with no health insurance....and you wonder how I'm feeling?
Just f'n great.
July 27, 2011
RIP Dan Peek
I just read that Dan Peek, one of the founding members of a band called "America" passed away last Sunday. He was 60 years old.
America is one of my favorite bands, and thier greatest hits album is one of my top 10 treasured albums I own. I don't usually care for classic 70's rock, but this album just resonates with me. I'm bummed I never got to see him live myself. I had an opportunity some years back, but just went. So bummed now.
What I didn't know was that Dan was a Christian, and a vocal one in his years after he left the band.
This is a 6 minute video on his testimony. Living the Rock n Roll lifestyle, turning away from God, and then coming back like the prodigal son years later.
America is one of my favorite bands, and thier greatest hits album is one of my top 10 treasured albums I own. I don't usually care for classic 70's rock, but this album just resonates with me. I'm bummed I never got to see him live myself. I had an opportunity some years back, but just went. So bummed now.
What I didn't know was that Dan was a Christian, and a vocal one in his years after he left the band.
This is a 6 minute video on his testimony. Living the Rock n Roll lifestyle, turning away from God, and then coming back like the prodigal son years later.
July 14, 2011
The Tables Turned
So I had an interesting flip today that I wasn't expecting....
The last few days I had a niggling in my head to call a family friend whose husband passed about two months ago. The last time I saw/spoke to the widow was during the funeral and I am aware that time has passed and I wanted to check on her. I had been meaning to do it for a few weeks now myslef, but as things generally happen, my thoughts get distracted and before I know it it's either too late, I'm not near a phone, or I forget.
But the thought really got in my head these past few days so I was determined to call her up today, and I did. Before I knew it, she was praying for me!!
That's right....I went to call her up to see how she was doing, to check in, to say "Hi.", (which she was indeed grateful for) and the next thing I knew, she had me closing my eyes on the phone holding back some tears as she asked the Lord to lift me and my wife up, to give me a wonderful day, to give me peace and joy.
Wow....I am so touched and thankful for these people in my life who stuck with me through my darkest times, when I didn't care if I woke up or not.
In other news my wife has an interview today. It's not a dream position for her, and I think she realizes that our state is pretty uch behind everyone else. She's getting bored at home (I know that feeling) and the stress is starting to sink in. I thinks she's also coming to terms that without a degree, or even an AA from a local community college, that her income is going to be lower as well.
That being said, we've been getting along pretty well as of late...although I still wish (and pray) she's cut back on the drinking and smoking. I don't have a problem with a glass of wine, but a bottle a day troubles me, and it's a continuing prayer I still pray...to ask for God to speak to her heart.
Speaking of God...I've once again found myself both craving His attention and yet rejecting Him at the same time. I take note of the seperation (duly all my fault) I have incurred by not taking the Word seriously these last two weeks. I've been focusing on wordly fun, whether it be telling a few crass jokes, swearing a bit more that usual, feeling impatient with people.....well, I've been taking note of this in the mirror.
Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed that I once again 'get right' and pray that the certain temptations don't cloud my mind. I awoke this morning again and prayed...and felt 'decent'. Not great, but not bad either.....and then my family friend really laid down the Spirit on me over the phone and I feel good and recognize God does indeed love all of us, even through the haze and fog we create of our own doings or 'mis-doings' if you will.
Tonight, I am taking my mother and mother-in-law to a concert. We are seeing Ottmar Liebert, a flamenco guitarist....I love Spanish music. This is a treat and a late Mother's Day gift to my mom....the only person who really gets me.
The last few days I had a niggling in my head to call a family friend whose husband passed about two months ago. The last time I saw/spoke to the widow was during the funeral and I am aware that time has passed and I wanted to check on her. I had been meaning to do it for a few weeks now myslef, but as things generally happen, my thoughts get distracted and before I know it it's either too late, I'm not near a phone, or I forget.
But the thought really got in my head these past few days so I was determined to call her up today, and I did. Before I knew it, she was praying for me!!
That's right....I went to call her up to see how she was doing, to check in, to say "Hi.", (which she was indeed grateful for) and the next thing I knew, she had me closing my eyes on the phone holding back some tears as she asked the Lord to lift me and my wife up, to give me a wonderful day, to give me peace and joy.
Wow....I am so touched and thankful for these people in my life who stuck with me through my darkest times, when I didn't care if I woke up or not.
In other news my wife has an interview today. It's not a dream position for her, and I think she realizes that our state is pretty uch behind everyone else. She's getting bored at home (I know that feeling) and the stress is starting to sink in. I thinks she's also coming to terms that without a degree, or even an AA from a local community college, that her income is going to be lower as well.
That being said, we've been getting along pretty well as of late...although I still wish (and pray) she's cut back on the drinking and smoking. I don't have a problem with a glass of wine, but a bottle a day troubles me, and it's a continuing prayer I still pray...to ask for God to speak to her heart.
Speaking of God...I've once again found myself both craving His attention and yet rejecting Him at the same time. I take note of the seperation (duly all my fault) I have incurred by not taking the Word seriously these last two weeks. I've been focusing on wordly fun, whether it be telling a few crass jokes, swearing a bit more that usual, feeling impatient with people.....well, I've been taking note of this in the mirror.
Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed that I once again 'get right' and pray that the certain temptations don't cloud my mind. I awoke this morning again and prayed...and felt 'decent'. Not great, but not bad either.....and then my family friend really laid down the Spirit on me over the phone and I feel good and recognize God does indeed love all of us, even through the haze and fog we create of our own doings or 'mis-doings' if you will.
Tonight, I am taking my mother and mother-in-law to a concert. We are seeing Ottmar Liebert, a flamenco guitarist....I love Spanish music. This is a treat and a late Mother's Day gift to my mom....the only person who really gets me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)