30 Day Chip

Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery, and I'm glad I did.

I knew I had a big day ahead of me on Saturday, so it was kinda of a blessing that I didn't have many options open for Friday night.  Although it was nice to have one of the neighbors come down and invite me to go night fishing at the lake in town.  If I didn't already have plans to go to Celebrate, I would have joined him just to get out.

Instead I went to Celebrate and got my 30 Day co-dependancy chip.  It's actually more than 30 days, but I skipped last week because of my hike.  Anyway, the chip signals that I've taken the steps to live a life 'free' from co-dependancy.

Am I completely free?  No.  But I do know I make improvements everyday and my life isn't as dark as it was two months ago.

It is ironic though that when I got home that evening and got ready for bed, my wife texted me: "I miss you!!"

Are you proud of me that I looked at it...digested it for what it was...and didn't respond?  Today is Monday, and I still haven't responded.  To me, actions speak louder than words and when I had to send an electronic check yesterday for the 2nd installment of my property taxes (after cashing in vacation days), it just became clear that my wife's words are hollow.  She said she missed me just one day after crucifying her childhood friend and accusing her of wanting me.  Nope...not gonna play that.

Even though I kinda wanted to respond, I just chose not to.  Any response to my wife would have given her the satisifaction that she is still 'affecting' me, and even though she may be, she doesn't need to know that or gain any power over me,  Instead, I packed yet another box of her 'stuff' and put it in the spare bedroom, counting the days down (8 left days today) that she doesn't respond to my papers.

I spent Mothers Day with my mother yesterday.  It was quiet for the most part.  Just her, my father, and me.  The first time in 8 or 9 years we didn't go over to my SIL's house...and while I miss them and would have liked to have spent some time with them, I was happy not to sit in traffic for the first time in years...as were my own parents.

I did however send my MIL a card, and left her a voice message yesterday, in which she wrote me a gracious email back last night thanking me and continuing her support.

My wife stayed put, in her new base of operations, spending the day with her roommate.  It didn't go un-noticed that she did not drive down to be with her daughter who had the day off.  But perhaps, just perhaps, my wife's finances are catching up to her and she's realizing that she is indeed running out of funds and needs to save as much as she can now realizing that the government may not be sending her anymore checks.

In other news, I spent a wonderful day on Saturday with my friend who flew out for a wedding.  We spent the whole day together and came to discover that we have much more in common than we ever thought.  It was nice that a few other school friends of ours were able to meet us for a mid-afternoon relaxation and social gathering with live music at a place on the beach.  Long story short, we were both shocked that the day went by so fast, and it was 9:30pm before we knew it.  I dropped my friend off at the place she was staying and came home and went back to bed....exhausted.

She starts work next week and plans on saving up enough to move back to the area at the end of the year.  I think the weekend really soldified it for her....not just because of me (I don't expect that), but you could tell she really missed her hometown, and was so happy (and felt welcome) when our other childhood friends showed up.  At one point she got very emotional (something I really liked to see...someone vulnerable and with feelings for a change) about the day.  It really touched me and I knew that these are the type of genuine emotions I want to see in someone...that she appreciates friends, and family, and warmth, and all the psoitive stuff, and isn't afraid to show it.  That is as opposed to someone who has walled themselves off for years, never allowing anyone to see any cracks and doesn't really radiate warmth anylonger. (Sorry...that's kinda rude and demeaning...but it's also the facts).

So I'm starting off this week in a postive direction for the first time in a long while.  So much so, I just realized I even forgot to take my medication this morning...and I feel fine!

Saddened by the right decision.

I wish this entry was more upbeat.  It isn't lost on me that the last few days I've sounded more like a whiny 5 year old in some of my long winded rants, and yesterday I even had a thought in the afternoon that I would try and concentrate on more positive aspects of my life, and not always be so dour.

That changed this morning after a series of text events from my wife that has left one of her best friends shattered.

I went to bed early last night, well early for me...9:45pm.  I didn't even hear the text messages coming into my phone after 10pm, but I awoke to 4 messages waiting for me from one of my wife's best friends.  The texts went on to say that my wife unleashed her fury on her friend in a not-so-nice email last night, only after her friend tried to wish her a Happy Birthday the day before and never received a response.

After being concerned that she hadn't heard from my wife in 24 hours, she was shocked to find a scathing letter directed to her the following evening accusing her 'former' friend of not only wanting me, but also causing me to file for divorce.

*Sigh*

My wife is mentally ill, and not in the same way when I was suffering from depression. No, my wife is conjuring up an alternate reality for herself where events are fictionalized and desperate to share either these fantasies to whomever will listen, or lash out at those remaining close to her.

This friend has been a childhood friend of my wife's and is in a current, loving, and happy relationship with a man now for over a year.  And yet somehow, my wife has come to the conclusion that the friend wants me.  I've heard similar rants before.  My wife once accused a female friend of mine who lives hours away that she was in love with me as well.  And at a party we threw last year, my wife went on to publicly announce to anyone in earshot that I once had a relationship with another woman (who was/is engaged at the time) at the party when I was in Jr. Highschool (not true)...my mom only brought me and this other girl to the Jr. High dance because the other mothers girl had to work.  We are still friends to this day, and my wife was totally fine when I asked if we could invite them over....but then again, when alcohol is involved, the Mr. Hyde of my wife's personality comes out.

In my wife's email rant to her friend, she went on to detail that she is mad at her sister and her mom, and wished her mom never birthed her...that she wanted/wants a different mom.  It is heartbreaking for me to hear this.  Not only because my wife is mentally not herself, but doesn't even realize how many times her mom has bailed her out and helped her over the years.  Her parents bought her a car, paid for its insurance, lent her money time after time after time and never demanded to be paid back.  Her mom has taken in her 20 year old grandaughter because my wife is unfit.

In the end my wife told her friend that when the divorce is over in 6-7 months, that the friend can have me.  To add insult to injury, she also "defriended" her on Facebook.  Her friend is in shock, speechless, and hurt.  I can identify.  But now my wife is throwing away a 30 year friendship based on....nothing. 

It is so sad.

And yet, all I can do is pray for my wife and see that God envelops her in His love and brings her back into His fold, and her sanity.  It's also tidbits of things like this that while it saddens me deeply to see that as her own downward spiral continues to plummet, that I made the right decision to step away and move on.

You cannot serve two masters.  If I am truly your Master, you will desire to please Me above all others.  If pleasing people is your goal, you will be enslaved to them.  People can be harsh taskmasters when you give them this power over you. (May 3rd devotional, -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

I'm a few days behind in my daily devotionals, reading two a day until I catch up, but I had to share this one today because it really seemed to hit home for me.

The last two sentences describe me to a 'T', and a habit I am trying to break. 

Part of being co-dependant is wanting to please people by any and all means, and often the co dependant is not even aware of this because this activity becomes the norm.  I did as much as I could within reason to please my wife, and my enslavement was thus making me secretly miserable as I wrote check after check to cover her, and then looked the other way when behavior was not appropriate so I could avoid an argument or making her somehow displeased with me.

I wanted her love, and I wanted the text book marriage.  It's becoming apparent to me she did not.  She wanted to be married on paper and security and occasional fun, but she wanted it by her rules, not "ours" or God's or the textbook.  She wanted to come and go as she pleased, spend what she wanted, drink when she wanted, and maintain her social butterfly status...moving from one fun event to another.

I allowed her to carry on this way for so long that after a certain point in time, it would seem out of place for me to even question things any longer.  I submitted.  I became enslaved.  I gave her all the power, or somewhere forgot that I could yield my own.  I slogged away at work, day-in/day-out, made sacrifice after sacrifice after sacrifice and somehow it still was never enough to make her happy.

Her happiness was gauged on how much she could do, how much she could get away with, and how much she could control me.  Her control came in the form of with holding information, withholding intimacy, withholding recognition for deeds well done, withholding respect, putting me down in front of others, telling neighbors our secrets (one-sided of course).

Tomorrow I should get my 30 day chip at Celebrate Recovery for working on my codependency and 11 days (the magic day is the May 21st), until I "win" if my wife doesn't respond.

Of Mother's Day and Birthdays

Today is my wife's 42nd birthday.

It has been 9 days since I last had any contact with her whatsoever.  I have not tried to contact her, nor has she tried to contact me.  Yesterday she received a letter in the mail indicating that her car insurance is now cancelled due to non-payment.  Also another CC bill in her name came that I opened to discover that has not been paid either, for at least two months.

A mutual friend tried to contact her yesterday via text message to ask if she found a job yet or if she plans on coming down for mother's day to spend with her daughter.  My wife has yet to reply, so I will take that as 'No' on both accounts.  I spoke with my daughter yesterday and she plans on spending Mothers Day with her biological father and his new girlfriend.  Good for her.

Yesterday, my SIL invited me (and my parents) over to their house for Mothers Day to spend the day with the family, although my mom is a bit reluctant.  In fact, my own mother said she needed some 'sapce' right now from everyone and would feel awkward if they attended while my wife wasn't there.  I understand her feelings, although I don't share them.  Instead my mom wants to spend it with me, my father, and my dog.  Something local and close where driving is not really involved.  I'm fine with that.  As much as I would like to see my FIL, BIL, MIL, SIL...I also don't want to drive 45 minutes alone each way.

My father also turned 68 on Monday.  So we will be combining his birthday and Mothers day together.

I don't have a lot of money either, which is embarrassing not to be able to buy my parents gifts right now.  For as much as they have been there for me these last few months, I've been struggling a bit financially.  I had to pay the Federal taxes and property taxes by myself.  Then there was the retainer for the lawyer.  Then the double of utilities since my wife wasn't honest about paying those before she left.

I've been eating cans of soup and sandwiches and $2 microwave meals for the past 2 weeks until I can get out of the mud here.  It's put a damper on my social life as well, not that I have much of one anyway, but everything I've done has been freebies with friends or minimal cost, perhaps splurging a few extra dollars on the weekends.  One benefit I suppose is a lack of any alcohol myself.  Really can't justify $4-5 beers anywhere, so that's helped keep my weight down as well. 

So what are my feelings about today?  This is the first time in 10 years that I have not bought my wife a gift, a card, or spent with her.  I haven't even acknowledged it (and I don't count this post as acknowledgement) because of everyone's blunt suggestions.  I have a feeling that since the majority of her friends live her, she may try to come down and convince her local friends to hang out.  That's fine by me.  I more or less have been distancing myself from a few of them anyway, and realize I don't really miss them that much.  Also, again, the more she drives back and forth to here the more money she spends on gas, and now that her toll-road transponder is inactive, she'll be racking up heavy fines.  Since I have yet to hear a response from her or anything from my lawyer, I suspect that she hasn't been able to hire one herself.  She has 13 days left to respond (actually 11 if I throw out Sunday's) before I "win" (whatever that means) by default.

Otherwise I feel 'okay'.  Still on my Lexapro, but after this bottle runs out, I'm not sure if I'll renew the prescription or opt for a lower dosage and wean myself off for a month.  Still have more things of hers to pack, I just haven't really had the time or fortitude to make it a priority, but I do plan on packing another box or two shortly.  I'd like to get rid of some of this stuff, not because it's taking up room, just because I don't want to be reminded day in and day out.  Then I think about meeting new people and having to explain 'items' in the house I really don't want to explain.

Speaking of which, my divorced female friend comes into town today for a wedding she will be attending on Friday.  She will spend part of the day with her mom on Sunday before she flies back and asked to spend the day with me on Saturday.  She wants me drive her about some of our childhood stomping grounds and I agreed.

We haven't spoke on the phone yet, but email each other almost daily and send text messages and pictures of our daily activities to each other.  She's just a good friend.  We are aware and honest with each other about our circumstances, and both adult to know that we have to let our wounds heal.  It's actually good that there is distance between us right now.  I try to block any emotions right now, because I'm very wary of myself and my state of mind and heart.  We agreed we will deal with things in 6 months from now, and a lot can happen in those six months.  She starts a new job next week, and plans on working her arse off throughout the New Year and is eyeing moving back to our hometown in January.  That doesn't mean she will, it may take more time. 

Did I mention she's a Christian?  She has a lot of the same values and morals that I share....although I know I am getting WAY ahead of myself....again, a warning I need to keep myself in check.  But she has really helped me open my eyes the last few weeks, has been very above board, honest, and fair with what she says.

The remainder of this week will be low key (I hope), unless I get a surprise visit tonight or any day this week that I'm not expecting.  Friday night will be with Celebrate Recovery, and it looks like my weekend is booked once again.

Scheduling distractions

I really tried to break free from the norm this past weekend.

I allowed myself to keep busy, get out of the house, get things done, and do thinsg I wanted to do without thinking way too much.

Friday night I met up with Rex and his wife for the sundown canyon hike with our pooches.  There was supposed to be 20 people in total, but in actuality, only 5 of us showed (plus the guide).  Kind of disapointing for a club I just joined and this was my first outing with them to meet new people (and I already knew 2 of them).

My little guy

But the hike was fun and easy.  I think my dog really enjoyed it.  So many new smells for him.  It was about 3 miles in total, and was quite the learning experience.  Our guide taught us about some plants we could eat, some we should avoid, and some with medicinal value.  Didn't see much wildlife, just heard a bunch of frogs, saw a few bats, and that's about it.  The cool thing was the supermoon.  It was awesome to see the canyon lit up by this large moon.  Got home about 9:30pm, took a shower, had a late snack and hit the hay.

Saturday was about going to my men's group in the morning, then a Train Fair (one of my hobbies) where I took a lot of pictures and saw various exhibits.  Couple of things I wanted to buy, but I'm kinda holding on to my money right now....just in case any other surprises come my way.



BNSF #6967 on Saturday.

 In the afternoon, I hit the gym...hard.  Felt good to push some weights around and focusing on my chest and triceps.  I love that burn, and the endorphins, the rush, and that pumped up feeling.  I had some time to kill, so I installed my new video card in my computer.  Love it!  Runs so smooth now.

After that, I came home, cleaned up, and attended a friend's BBQ.  It was great because it was intimate.  A total of 9 of us, and a few of us have been friends since 3rd grade!  We had awesome food, told some stories, laughed, and shared various micro-brews...some were very tasty indeed.  My friend also has a fire pit in his backyard, and it was nice to all sit around it liek we were camping and back in Boy Scouts.  But I knew my buddy had an early morning the next day, so I left at about 9:30 and was home by 10pm.

Finally yesterday, Sunday, hit the gym again (back and biceps) and took myself to see The Avengers.  It was a great superhero movie, and I loved it!!  My parents stopped by unexpectedly at 5:30 and took me out for pizza, and then last night my 'divorced' female friend texted me and we chatted a bit before we said our good-nights and went to bed.

Although I had a difficulty falling asleep last night.  Despite all the stuff I did and disctractions, there is some underlying anger and funk still there, and at one point I got really angry at my wife.  It's her birthday this Wed.  She offically turn's 42 and when I told people I thought about sending her a card, everyone told me I was crazy.  Okay, I'm not going to.  But just because I don't like her behavior, and she treated me like crap on my birthday, doesn't mean I can't show respect for hers.  But like I said, everyone more or less crucified me when I brought it up.

Perspective

I got up early this morning, no real reason why, but my eyes popped open for the final time just after 5am.  I don't like that, seeing that I easily have at least another hour to hour and a half before I really have to get up.

At the urging of my dog, I made my way downstairs at about 5:20 and fed him...an hour early.  I made myself some coffee and tried to straighten up the kitchen a tad.  I even found time to watch a little recorded TV before I made my way out the door.

I was super hungry this morning, so I decided to hit Del Taco and get another cup of coffee and a breakfast burrito, and I kept thinking about this evening.....looking forward to hanging out with my dog, doing a nature hike, meeting some new people while hanging with Rex and his wife.

Mid meal, I got a text message from another friend....

A mutual friend of ours, Joe, well his elderly father passed away early this morning.  I never met Joe's father, but Joe and I have been friends for about 8 years.  Joe's a bit older than me, probably late 40's and I know he has an older sister, so I can only guestimate that his father was maybe in his 70's?  Not exactly sure, but as far as I know, he was healthy.

My own father turns 68 this upcoming Monday, May 7th.

I have no idea what I will do when my father (or mother for that matter) passes.  It's becoming a reality to me however, that my parents life is past the 1/2 way mark, and they have become incredibly close to me this past year, especially my father.  My father knows that I have a delicate psyche, that I am soft and emotional, but I know he loves me so much as does my mom.

The good news is that both my parents are saved and I have no doubt that they will be with Jesus someday, but that doesn't make it much easier for me.

A feeling of loneliness hit me at Del Taco (don't laugh, eben though it does sound funny). 

I was sitting there alone this morning, eating breakfast b myself, after leaving my house, that I live in....by myself.  I have no brothers or sisters.  I have no biological children, only a 20 year step-daughter who only within the last couple of years started to call me day....but now doesn't live with me anylonger.  I have a soon to be ex-wife, and I wonder about the legacy I will leave here on this planet.

What if my dad passes unexpectedly in the next year or so?  Or my mom?  I am just now re-discovering my inner self, and I know right now I am fragile.  The Lexapro barely helps and I can't even imagine dealing with death and the sense of loss.  I already know I'm going to have to be put on tranquilizers when my dog eventually passes, so I can't even imagine my own parents.

Not to belittle anything, but like I said I haven't even met Joe's dad, and I'm crying for him this morning.  I don't even know how to reach out to Joe right now, let alone respond to the text from our friend.  I'm incredibly sad right now and it's put a damper on my day as I yet again I turn inward and think about my life.

Unpredictable feelings are predictable

After work last night I came home and walked my pup.  It was a really nice walk for him, and for me as well.  I kept thinking about Friday's nature-walk/dog-gathering I'll be attending with people I never met before and I'm looking so forward to it.

My video card came in the mail as well, but by the time I started dinner for myself, my pup, did a load of laundry (sheets for the bed), took a shower, it was getting kind of late to install it in my computer so I let it slide until maybe tonigt when I get home.

It rained again last night, again unpredicted from the weatherman.  We were supposed to have fog and continue to be overcast, but the rain once again seemed to have come out of nowhere, but that's okay with me....it's strange how rain makes me so sleepy.  No sleeping pill last night, and I only got up once (around 4am) last night.

Interlude: As I type this post I'm listening to "Crash & Burn" by Nadia Ali (Sultan & Ned Shepard Remix).  She has such a beautiful and sultry voice, especially for dance type music.  I think I love everything she sings...her voice is just amazing to me.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, I got a very nice and lengthy email from my friend who got divorced and shared some of her own continuing pain and frustrations with me....and her own journey of recovery....and her plans for the future (moving back to our home state at the end of the year).  I could identify with a lot she had to say, and I have to be very aware and cautious on how to interpret her feelings and dreams so that they don't interfere with my own vulnerabilities.

Speaking of feelings, last night a wash of anger came over me at 7:38pm.  Yes, I happened to look at the clock on the DVR at that exact moments and took note.  I had finished dinner, and it was just me and my little boy in the living room and I was waiting for Survivor to start...and this wave of anger overtook me.

I know it's a phase of a this cycle I'm experiencing, and natural in these types of situations, but to be aware it was happening and growing at that exact moment tripped me out.  I quickly reached for my cell phone and called a friend from church to let him know and we chatted for the next few minutes....not just about me, but about his own struggles as well, and while the feeling didn't disappear, it was lessened enough for me to get through the night.

Until I awoke this morning...

I can't say I was in a foul mood, or burning with rage, or even anger....but I was off.  The best way I can explain it was a feeling of a cartoonish dark cloud hovering over my head.  Frustration in general?  Disapointment with the lack of any real effort from my wife?  They say actions speak louder than words, and in her case, she's the walking definition of the aforementioned cliche.

It's her birthday next week too.  Do I take the higher road and send her card?  Yes, I actually have thought about it.  I know I'll be sending my MIL a mothers day card.  But in liue of everything, I can't believe I'm thinking of sending her a card. 

I'm such a wuss.

Sticking my toe in the water

Last night was gloomy yet again.  Rained a bit around 9pm which was an unexpected surprise to all the  weathermen. 

I made myself a really good dinner.  I diced up some yukon potatos and onions, coated them in olive oil, cracker pepper, Lawry's seasoned salt, rosemary, and some salad herbs and baked them in a casserole dish for 2o minutes at 450 degrees.  At the 20 minute mark, I added a tilapia filet that had been marinating in a garlic/tuscan concoction and baked another 25 minutes.  It was delicious.  So much so, I'm gonna do it again tonight, but with the extra baby reds I have and throw in a few additional veggies as well.

Gave my pup a yummy dinner too.  I like to spoil him once in a while and he showed his gratitude my snuggling up with me in bed last night.

My new video card will be here today.  I bought a new video card with some Amazon gift cards I had saved up over time, and that will replace the one that burnt out a week ago after 4 years of dedicated service.  I'm looking forward to it too, because it will give me an opportunity to start exploring the world around me at home.

Speaking of which, I signed up with "Meetup.com" yesterday and created a profile with some of my favorite hobbies. 

And I already signed up for my first outing this Friday night!  It's not a singles mixer, but instead of going out to dinner with my friend Rex and his wife as was mentioned yesterday, I talked them into going on a 2mile sundown nature hike with a dog club at 7pm instead.  There will be 20 people along with their dogs and we will be led on a small hike in an area about 10 miles from my house.  It ends at 9pm and will be beneficial for me: I will meet more people, I will exercise my boy, and I will get out of the house on a Friday night.

So I won't be going to Celebrate Recovery this week afterall.  Then on Saturday morning, after I do attend my men's support group at chruch, I will be attending a Train festival (free admission) for a few hours (9am-2pm), then come home and back to my other friends house later in the afternoon to break in his brand new BBQ!   So it should be an action packed Friday and Saturday that will only cost me gas and time driving back and forth.

In other news, today is day 12 since my wife got served papers and no lawyer response from her yet. (18 days left and I win by default).  Another bank letter came yesterday for her (which I opened) and surprise....she's behind 2 payments.  The Toll Road agency also called for her and left a message, looks like she has not paid her monthly transponder bill, so she's racking up fines there as well. 

Some people will never learn.

However, she did visit her daughter on Monday (a good thing) and they had lunch and saw a movie.  I'm glad that she's at least making occasional contact with her daughter.  It's my understanding that she still doesn't want a divorce, but looking at her actions with me as "taking a break".  Awesome.  Glad to know she's taking a break, but failed to tell me.  Also heard that she still plans on paying for her portion of taxes, but I still haven't seen anything yet.

My divorced friend I mentioned a few posts back will be in town next week and wants to get together next Saturday.  I hope so.  We're supposed to hangout for most of the day on Saturday, culminating with dinner with some old friends, but who knows.  I don't want to get my hopes up for something that may not even be there, and even if there was the tiniest inkling that 'something' is there, there's the logistics of her being 6 hours away and me only 'seperated' in the legal sense not to mention fighting off any idea to myself that I'm on a rebound and my brain is sending me false hope.

She sent me a brief note yesterday saying she was going to write me a letter today.  I feel a little childish....I've been checking my email every couple of hours, and thus far nothing.

Taking it to heart

I received an email from a school chum of mine today that had something to say that was quite poignant to me.  My friend Rex (not his real name) and I have been friends since 9th grade.  We were Biology lab partners together back then ('84) and we've maintained our friendship over the years.

Oh, there's been times our friendship has been strained, and other times where we took different paths and interests, but I'm very happy and lucky to day that today, in 2012 our friendship is just as good, if not better than it was back in '84.  That's a friendship of 27 years, and perhaps I'm a bit more sentimental about than Rex is, but I can count my "best" friends on one hand, and even though we have diffrent religous beliefs and ideologies, Rex is one of my '5' inner core friends.

He sent me an email wondering how my past weekend was and wanted to see if maybe I'd like to get together with him and his wife either this Friday for dinner, or maybe take the dogs for a long walk after work on Thursday (weather permitting).  I think I'll take him up on the dinner.  I could use a break from all the therapy sessions, and support groups I attend.  Not that I am burnt out from them or bored, it's just that when I think about it, I have been attending (on average) 3 various type of support meetings a week for close to 3 months now and I haven't been out on a Friday night for over a month.

One of the aspects of 'moving' on, is to indeed get out there...to begin experiencing life and laughter again.  To get one's mind of the scheduled mundane talks and pity parties and begin to meet new people and learn to enjoy 'social' things again.  Maybe I can even practice my 'flirting' techniques with a waitress?  It has been 9+ years since I spoke with another woman, even in a playful manner...

Anyway, we got on the subject on "how I'm doing" and I told Rex that I still have my moments, but each day I gain a little more confidence back.  That slowly but surely, I'm re-discovering that 'man' that has been buried deep within me for so long.

Rex explained in his email: "Funny you should mention your inner voice.  I was just telling my wife (and she agreed) that you haven't been the same person we knew for some time now.  You used to be much more 'joking' and 'laughable', but we thought it was stress or something else, but we were commenting that over the past year you had been withdrawing into a shell.  You weren't the same guy we liked hanging around with."

He wasn't trying to be hurtful, or mean, or anything like that.  It was his way of telling me that he (and others who care and 'know' the real 'me') had noted that I was shutting down over time...loosing my spirit, smiling less.

I'm glad he did.

Despite my best efforts, I wasn't fooling anyone.  I was expending a lot of wasted energy trying to 'cover up' or 'hide' my issues that it actually became full time work when in public and social settings.  I was concentrating so hard to put my game face on, that I was in actuality making it quite clear to everyone I came into contact with that I was dealing with something just under the surface.  And thus I missed out on a lot of fun, a lot of inside jokes, a lot of stories and memories, because I was trying to maintain a false facade of who I was.

And people did notice.

But by Rex telling me this, I am now aware of it.  Aware that I need to relax, let my guard down, go with the flow, be open to things because I don't need to hide anylonger.  I don't have to fake happiness that isn't there anymore, and instead allow my self 'real' happiness.

Far from a midlife crisis, but the scenarios are going through my head now on wanting to pick myself up and get out there.  I've been thinking of a new wardrobe, a new haircut, hitting the gym more than I already do, getting a tan...Kinda like starting on version 2.0.

Surprise, Surprise.....(Er...not really)

It borders on being comedic.

I had a gut feeling that my wife was going to pay the house a surprise visit this weekend, knowing that I would be out of town for the day.  Even though I kept my plans on the down low, mutual friends always have a tendency not to think and let information slip.  And my instincts didn't let me down.

Sure enough...even though she hasn't spoken to me in over a week, or even acknowledged to me she was served papers (she's let everyone else know, however), she made the 4.5 hour drive to my house on Saturday expecting to have free access.

I myself happened to be two hours away when I got her first text in a week: "Did you change the locks on the house?  And my garage door remote doesn't work."

Duh...She knew damn well I changed the locks on the house otherwise she wouldn't have been pressing her daughter two weeks ago for an extra copy of the key.  Do you think I'm that stupid?  And of course I changed the remote code on the garage....don't you think I know what a golden opportunity it would be for you to raid the garage?  Your friends are giving you up.  They warned me (they didn't have to, but they confirmed my suscpicions anyway) that you were going to try and take some of my valuables.  Silly woman...do you think I just fell off the turnip truck?  When you go silent, and your neighbor friends all go silent as well just days beforehand, you don't think that screams 'somethings up'.

But I had a good laugh. 

I don't think she expected me to put all her boxes on the porch Saturday morning before I left, signaling that I knew she was coming.

My response to her text:

"Take the boxes on the porch....they are yours."

But when I returned that evening, they were all still there intact.

Come to find out she went to yet another party Saturday night in the area.  Are you kidding me?  She drove 4.5 hours (again, now for the third time in less than 3 weeks) to attend another party?  Spoke to my step-daughter yesterday (Sunday), and, NO, as expected my wife did not visit her own daughter yet again....though she had to drive right by her place both ways.  Sad....Sad...Sad.

Yesterday, my wife came by the street again.  This time I was home, and I think she knew it.  I did not bother going outside or even acknowledging her presence other than my text "Pick up your stuff on the porch."  She was at the neighbors house (the woman who told me 2 months back that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore), for almost 3.5 hours.  That neighbor lives 3 houses down (lets say 60 yards?).  And she still did not get her stuff.

My wife sped off at 6:30pm, which is kind of late to drive back another 4.5 hours, so I assume she's staying in the area yet again.  Well, today would be the perfect time to raid the house seeing that I am at work.  I left her stuff on the porch again and am having a neighbor watch for her car.

My father is also supposed to stop by within the hour and take a look.  See if my dog is okay.  I locked him up inside today so my dad will let him out to go potty soon and check the house.  I'll feel much better when he calls. (Update - He just called.  House is okay.  My pup went outside and pottied.  And all the stuff is still there though...she still hasn't collected it.)



Clothes...awaiting pick up.

 Anyway, another neighbor called me this morning and let me know she overheard the conversation between my wife and the other neighbor from Saturday.  I guess my wife is spinning a masterful tale because it was overheard that the neighbor said that "if I truly loved my wife, I would get in my car and go get her and bring her back."

WHAT?

Um...she left me.  She left her daughter.  She broke all ties with her family.  She had a place lined up in another state to crash.  She stiffed me on taxes and bills.  She raided the bank account before I could close it.  She lied to me.  She lied to her daughter.  She still drinks and is in denial.  She still has no job and spending money she doesn't have.  She's alienanting friends who won't cover for her anylonger.

AND IF I LOVE HER....I HAVE TO GO GET HER?!?

Hahahahahahahahahaha

No, that only makes me an enabler to the Nth degree and sweeps EVERYTHING under the rug.

Screw the neighbors.  You may have two...count 'em...2...people fooled, but you're not fooling the rest.  Like I give a rats ass now what the two female neighbors (who have ignored me the past two months) think.  What...?  They are going to stop talking to me now?  They already did two months ago.

Like I said...pure comedy....I needed a good laugh.

Another fine weekend?

Flowers I took this morning via Instagram

It has been one week today that my wife was served papers.

I have received zero contact from her since.

I have no idea if she will continue to go to therapy or not.  I'm even doubting she went the first time since I still haven't received any official paperwork from the insurance company (since it's in my name and provided by my company) as of yet, and they are pretty prompt about doing that.

Speaking of therapy, today is my third session with my own therapist, and I'm not even sure where we'll begin.  My thoughts on the matter are kind of unfocused right now, so I may need him to lead me today.  I also plan on working in the gym tonight as well, most likely after my seesion.

Later tonight will also be my 3rd week in a row at Celebrate Discovery for co-dependancy.  What a way to spend a Friday night these days isn't it?  When I get home, I'll watch a movie "Horrible Bosses" that came in from Netflix, and go to bed after that.

I'm supposed to spend the day with some friends tomorrow on an outdoor adventure again, followed by dinner.  It will be an all day affair, so my dad is picking up my dog today and my parents will keep him overnight until I pick him back up on Sunday when I have breakfast with them.

The only issue I may have with this outing is one of my wife's friends is going, and I'm sure she'll be taking in everything I do, say, and act and eventually report it back to my wife.  This is the friend that invited me to her boyfriends surprise party a few weeks back that I backed out of at the last minute because my wife showed up.  I imagine there will be some tension between us, so I have to be very careful and be very mindful on what I say.  Which more or less means I will not say anything, and even when asked directly, I will need to be polite and tell her I am not willing to talk about it on a such a nice day outside.  Needless to say, I'm a tad nervous and probably thinking about it much more than she is at this point (yet another character flaw of mine....overthinking things that haven't even happened yet).

The good news is there will be a total of 11 of us, so hopefully it won't come up at all, but since my friend will be driving, I will be stuck with her in the car more than I would like to be allowing for any conversation to happen.

Then Sunday will be spent with my parents in the morning, perhaps the gym again in the late morning/early afternoon, and possibly yet another neighborhood gathering mid-afternoon just to go back to work on Monday.  Seems like I will have a lot to keep myself busy and moving, so hopefully that will continue my own healing process and not feel like such an introvert (like the last 5 evenings in a row at the house).

I think I may have already mentioned this earlier this week, but I began re-listening to "Codependant No More" on my Adnroid phone and find this second time around is just as helpful.

Still a bit angry, but no tears for a few days now.  But that may change tonight.

I hope on Sunday I will have a chnace to pack yet another box of my wife's trinkets and misc. crap such as the tons of 1/2 used lotion samples, women's hair brushes and assorted feminine toiletries and stupid magnets with lame cliche sayings about "everyday is wine day" or something similar.  Just some purging of excess stuff that I will never use that I want to throw out, but feel it may not be wise just in case the court slaps my hand.

Oh, I think I need to clarify one thing from yesterday's post: "Fresh Wounds".  Fresh wounds was a term I used yesterday to comment on the process of my own divorce.  The wounds have been there for quite some time, months if not years to be exact, but the idea of actually serving papers finally feels like the 'line in the sand' has been drawn.  Since that was only a week ago and my wife hasn't even repsonded as of yet, I feel very cautious about pursuing any type of dating in my life.  I think people will give me a hard time and say 'the ink isn't even dry yet'....Yes, I agree with that.  That being said, the failed intervention was back in mid Feb, and we're rapidly approaching May 1st now.  I've been toying with the idea of creating a profile on a Christian dating site, but feeling it may be a bit premature still.  And with yesterdays revelation that an old aquaintence felt the need to share she once faniced me, I admit, has sparked my interest...but I wonder how much of this interest is me being on the 'rebound'.  At least she comes out to visit in about 3 weeks from now, so maybe that will give me a chance to sort things out a bit more.

Developments

It did rain last night, not as heavy or as early as the weathermen had predicited.  It was actually much more mild than I anticpated.  We were supposed to get thunder and lightning, but that didn't happen.  It was supposed to start raining heavily at 6pm, but by 8pm it was just merely sprinkling with a few light showers throughout the night.

The heater didn't even kick in.

At 7pm last night my MIL called me.  Seems my FIL had a change of heart or mind and now they wouldn't be coming down today to pick up my wife's clothing.  So I have six large boxes of clothes, her work crap, and a full suitcase of hers that I am now moving into the spare bedroom.

Dang-it, I was hoping it would be gone, but now looks like I will be storing it for a while afterall.

Two of the men from church tried to call me after that, but I wasn't in the mood.  I just let them go to voicemail.  See, on my way home from work my mom called yet again and talked AT me for 15 minutes.  Nothing new...same stuff, different day.  It just gets exasperating after a while.

Recieved an email from a childhood friend I recently re-connected with.  She lives in another state and she too is a recent re-dedicated Christian who also went through a divorce a year ago and has two small girls.  She revealed to me that when she was younger back when we were in Jr. High and High School, she had a secret crush on me....even went as far as to stalk my work place back then, but never had the nerve to say anything to me.  She thought I was out of her league.  That was very flattering and sweet, and she's gorgeous today.

No...nothing is happening on that front...she just wanted me to feel good.  She's quite aware of my situation and has been very kind to me these past few weeks, but she has plenty of her own stuff going on and she's at least 6-7 hours away, and my wounds are way to fresh (as are hers).  Plus, that was 20 years ago.

Lastly a male friend of mine sent me an email this morning which was a surprise.  Seems that my wife contacted him last week (out of the blue) and was quizzing him on me.  Was trying to dig and pry on what I have been up to...which was a surprise to him, because other than this blog I journal in, most of my friends (other than my dearest and closest) don't have any idea on what's happening.  They say "loose lips sink ships", so other than here, mums the word.  It's good to see that my wife is digging for dirt on me now and apparently no one has anything to say to her and it's frustrating her.  Good.

Discoveries

Discoveries.

Today's title just popped into my head.  There was no forethought or planning involved, but it seems apropos as I type this...multiple explanations already racing to the forefront of my frontal lobe.

Discoveries.

Last night was about discoveries.

As I came home to pack up what I thought was just one more box of my wife's clothing, it actually turned into three (I can't believe how much I underestimated how much clothing she actually had) and with certain items memories came flooding back:  I remember when she wore this dress for the first time.-or- I loved this denim jacket of hers. -or- I recall her wearing this when we went on vacation that one year.  Just certain items, not all of them.

And then I found a box under our bed from the day she got let go from her work a year ago.  Inside were all this miscellaneous work related garbage that only would make sense to her, but then I came across some of my old letters to her when we first dated and early on in our marriage.  Some of them I remember writing, some of them I don't...but she kept them (or maybe she even forgot herself and just stuffed them in a drawer).

There were also pictures of me, of us, of family gatherings.  Boy did I look young 9 years ago.  I still had dark hair.  Not so much grey as I do now.  My wife looked good too.  We looked happy. 

I took all the pictures that were of me and us together.  I'm not sure why, but I don't want her having anything of me right now.  Maybe I've seen too many TV shows were the ex throws darts at the guy, or burns them at a bonfire with all her girlfriends standing around in a circle with a bottle of red wine.  Maybe I want her to know that I went through her stuff and I'm 'scrubbing' myself from her life.  Maybe I'm being childish.  Maybe I want to keep those as memories of happier times that one day I can look back at fondly.

Maybe a combination of all of the above.

I discovered that I didn't cry.  I mean, I wasn't happy or thrilled or anything like that, but I wasn't devastated either.  I was more morose and melancholy and business like.  I looked at the process as just getting rid of "stuff", looking forward to having more space and less reminders.  It's liberating in a weird way to see all these boxes being packed up and soon to be gone.

My dog was indifferent.  This time he really didn't even bother to smell her stuff.

I did the same to Facebook last night as well.  I began deleting and untagging pictures of us or her in my albums.  Don't ask me why...I just did.

I still haven't received a reply regarding the $174 in CC payments I covered for her.  But she did get a cancellation warning from the auto insurance company yesterday if she doesn't pay within the next week.  She just got that policy a month ago, and already isn't paying them on time.  Thank God it's in her name and I'm in no way attached to her policy.  Yup...42 years old...and completely irresponsible

My SIL called me and said that my wife went on a rant yesterday on her own FB status, and no one knows why.  Something about looking at lie through rose colored glasses, and people should mind their own business and keep advice to themselves, and that there is two sides to every story and she's right and misunderstood, or whatever.

I discovered that I didn't care as much as I thought I would. 

I admit I actually chuckled.  It's good to know that as much as things change, they also stay the same.

It goes to show that she still can't find happiness no matter where she runs to.  It shows me she's still an 'angry' person in general and I began to wonder how much of my depression over the years was a result of living with someone who is just plain angry and unhappy in general.  I know I'm co-dependant, and as I type this I am continuing to discover just how intertwined my life and mental well being is/was affected by her overall attitude and personality.  Let the next guy pay for her never ending financial pickles.  Let the next guy deal with her coming home and leaving whenever she wants to.  Let him deal with the agony she causes with her daughter and family.  Let him deal with her belief that the world is out to get her and she can do no wrong.

It's supposed to rain later today and tonight.  I have lunch with two of my guy friends today, and when I get home a nice hot dinner and cozy up on the couch with my dog and drink some hot tea as we listen to the pitter-patter on the roof.  I may even light my fireplace.

Fighting the feeling

I slept pretty good last night.  It got a little chilly at the house, so I snuggled up in the blankets, my Shnauzer pressed into me....and actually had a dream about my wife.

I think I dreamt about her because even though we didn't speak yesterday, I was thinking of her as I opened our mailbox and discovered this months new bills showing that last months were never paid (before she left).  I was kinda angry as she 'promised' me that she would take care of the bills for March (since she was still there until the 20th), and now I have to double up the payments on most of them to keep current.

My mom took me out to dinner last night.  We had Thai and did a little shopping at Target.  While we were out, (speak of the devil), my wife texted me.  She texted me a picture of some clouds, and said:

Saw these clouds today...(when I'm having my little "reflection time"  I like to see what shapes I can make out of them)  anyhow, the 2nd one down reminded me of the Millenium Falcon or a pod racer....maybe a ship from Star Trek...just thought I'd share....

This is the first time she has tried to contact me in about 6 days.  I didn't know how to respond, other than a simple "I can see that.  Thank you."...and that was that.

Mind games?  Is she really reflecting?  My mom told me to stay strong, that someday....maybe not soon...but someday my wife will realize what a mistake she made and what she threw away.

Regardless, I think that's why I may have dreamed of her last night.

But then as I was shaking the cobwebs out of my head and having my first cup of coffee this morning, I took a look at the bills: Partial paid water bill, unpaid CC bill, unpaid HOA bill, unpaid property tax bill.  And then I started to think about the fact she is still bowling in another state, and driving all over the place, and hanging out at Irish pubs, and I come to the realization that her priorities are still the same....they are all about her and her fun.

And I get mad.

I get angry.

I want to get even.

But I know that's not the way. 

That's not me.

I ask for God to forgive me for these thoughts I am having and remind myself that my wife has lost it.  I ask Him to calm my spirit, to take a deep breath, and remember to continue to pack her things when I get home.

Against my better judgement, I did send her an email today, with copies of her Credit Card bill.  2 of them.  $87 each....that I paid.  And I asked her for a reimbursement.  No response yet.  I don't expect one.  I'm trying to realign myself and change my thought process to "it's just business".

Detachement is the key word, and I replayed that audio chapter from 'Codependant No More' again today.  I may have to listen again later today.  I'm fighting the feeling of wanting to call her and talk, but I'm still mad and no nothing good is going to come out of my mouth, so I pray I endure and make it through the day without further temptation.

Off Roading

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you.  Hear Me saying, Peace, be still to your restless heart.  No matter what happens, I will never leave you or forsake you.  Let this assurance soak into your mind and heart, until you overflow with Joy.  Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, you need not fear." (April 20 daily devotion, Jesus Calling)

I must have read this a 1/2 dozen times so far, and I expect to be reading it a half a dozen more over the next few days (or hours).

This past weekend had a lot of ups and downs.  My wife was served papers on Friday morning and it is my understanding she is reaching out to friends (the few left) for her own lawyer.  Not sure how she is going to pay for one, but that may explain why I learned on saturday she is now dipping into what's left of her IRA account (and paying stiff penalties to boot), but the less money she has it may be better for me in the long run.  I can't imagine her spending what little left she has to fight me, but then again, she is so unpredictable as of late, who knows.

Spoke with my inlaws on Saturday afternoon.  They said they would be more than happy to pick up all her clothes if I were to box them up and place them on the porch.  My mother-in-law said she's text my wife and tell her she has a week to pick them up from their house, and if she didn't they would either sell them or donate them to goodwill.  My MIL made it clear to me that she is not enabling her daughter, how disapointed they are with her, and they aren't going to store her belongings in lieu of her behaviors.

Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery again.  I didn't stay for the afterhour social gathering, just the open-share meeting.  It was nice to 'release' again, and it's so heartbreaking to hear other mens stories like my own.  Some are further along in the process than I am and some seem to be doing okay.  I wish I were.  I think I cried everyday the last four days now.

I came home and was in bed by 11pm, but as my troubled being would have it, I woke up at around 3am, and could never fall back asleep.  It really sucks when you can't turn your mind off and the same crap just keeps playing over and over again in a loop in your brain.

Off Road

Saturday day, my friend took me out off-roading for the day.  He has an FJ Crusier and belongs to a FJ club and we went on a 40+ mile off road adventure.  It was fun, but I warned him...my mind is divided.  I maybe sitting in the co-pilot seat with him, bouncing up and down on teh trail, but my mind kept drifting back to my marriage.  Had dinner at my parents house that night, came home, watched TV and hit the bed by 9:30.  Yes, 9:30 on a Saturday, but I needed it.



Aftermath of trip



Sunday was filled with church (where I cried yet again), and afterwards I came home to pack three more boxes of my wifes clothing.  I figure I have at least 2 more to do tonight before I call my MIL up to have her pick it all up sometime this week.  I cleaned house, did some grocery shopping, and dusted my whole downstairs.  Then I realized that my 4.5 year old PC at home....the graphics card died.  I could replace the graphics card for around $200, or buy a new PC (this years model) for about $700.  Despite my personal situation, I am leaning to a new PC right now because even if I just replace the graphics card, it's starting to show it's age and is slowing down a bit.  I think my hard drive has just about had it as well, and I need to learn Win 7 anyway for work purproses.  At least I checked my Best Buy credit status and I can buy a new PC and pay it off with no interest over the course of 18 months.  A little math suggests I have a payment of $42 a month, so I just might.

And as no surprise to anyone, my wife has not paid me any money for her taxes and a new round of bilsl coming in this week suggest she only made partial payments on the last ones.  So in the next few weeks, I'll have to think about going to my church and inquiring about perhaps finding a room-mate for a while.  I could use the extra $600 a month right now (which is DIRT CHEAP in my area).  People would kill for that price, but I need to find the right person...who will also like my dog...and be mature enough and responsible enough to treat my house like they would there own.  Maybe someone from Celebrate?

I also hit the gym yesterday.  Did legs, rode the bike for a bit, just getting in some exercise.

A few of the neighbors began talking to me again.  Things are slowly turning around there.  At least a few are starting to accept the fact and idea that my wife leaving wasn't my fault.  Some are starting to put things together and realize my wife may have been exaggerating circumstances, or embelishing the facts a bit more than previously reported.  By keeping my mouth shut, and by staying humble and quiet, I have allowed herself to dig her own grave in that regard.  A couple of them told me that they don't blame me now and they know that I've been patient and wanting to give her more than her fair share of chances....at least they are starting to see that for themselves.  One couple even invited me over for dinner.  But I'm not gloating....far from it.  I just remain quiet, try to change the subject, or keep to myself for the time being,

Friday

It's early Friday afternoon, and nothing new to report.

My dad came by and took my dog for the night, so that frees me up to go to the gym after work, then Celebrate Recovery at 8pm, play a video game when I get home at 9:15 (or so), hit the hay and be on my way for tomorrow's day ride excursion with me friend.

They say "no news is good news", so in that regard I've not heard from my wife since Wed evening now.  Nor from my lawyer, or anyone else.  I hate sitting in limbo.

I've brought my headphones back to work and started to re-listen to "Codependant No More", and read my devotionals today.

At lunch, I went for a walk.  I created a radio station on my Droid called "America" using Pandora.  I sat under a tree I had walked to about two blocks away from work and just listened to these soft classic rocks ballads of the 70's.  Many of the songs are so pretty, and the lyrics so poignant.  A few of them were pretty apropos as they sung about lost loves, heartache, and of all things....cheating. 

I'm not making light of it, but I think it is kinda weird that this is what my ears are attuned to right now, or selectively hearing or filtering through.

Mom called me afterwork yesterday as I drove home.  Wanted to know how I was doing.  What does she expect? "Hey, everything is just awesome.  I'm serving my wife papers.  My marriage is ending.  I'm heading back to an empty house and packing boxes of clothes and memories.  Taking pictures off the wall.  How are you?"

Ick.

Praying that God now softens and works on my own heart.  I'm feeling bitter and angry today and I don't like it.  Not one bit.  I need to work on forgiveness, but it just seems so hard right now.  I'm actually deflecting it altogether if I'm being honest with myself.  I'm trying not to think about it, so I don't have to think about forgiveness.

It's been over three months now since I've been intimate with my wife.  Not sure why I'm sharing that with you.  It's waaaaaayyyyy too early to even consider dating anyone right now, but I can't help but thinking about certain aspects of relationships, and trying to figure out when the appropriate amount of time needs to pass before I even consider putting myself back out there.  3 months?  6 months?  When the divorce is over?  Probably the latter.  That's the "right" thing to do, but it feels strange not to have a partner after 10 years.  And now I have to wrestle with the idea if I am emotionally cheating before my marriage is officially over, and if so, does that not equate me to my wife?

I'm over-analyzing again today.  Actually, I think I'm just talking just to tlak.  Filling space because somehow I feel obligated to journal this crap.  It's not making any real sense to me either, so don't feel bad if you're lost...heck, you should be in my mind right now.  Everything in there is chaos right now.

An "America" to relax by.

I'm not the biggest fan of classic rock music, and I was a little young when America was in their hey-day, but I discovered them for myself sometime in my mid-thirties.

When I'm depressed, or I feeling a little anxious and need some calming music to relax to, I put on "America's" Greatest Hits.

For some reason, I find their harmony very relaxing and soothing to me, however, depending on the song it can depress me if I really listen to the lyrics.

Today, using my Android phone, I am going through their entire catalog from the cloud, and have to say, it has a weird effect on me.

One of the main guys, I forget his name right now, but he became a born again Christian and wrote a book about his personal journey of leading a rock 'n roll lifestyle (drugs, money, women) before he cleaned up his act.  I think he recently died not to long ago.  I hope they make an audio version of his book.  I'd like to listen to it as a fan.

Anyway, it's late Thursday afternoon....no news on any front really right now.  Just looking forward to tomorrow night and Saturday with my friend, and here's to hoping I make some new friends as well.

Pins & Needles

Every time my smartphone rings or chirps right now, I jump.

Any time now I should be either receiving an email from my lawyer saying my wife has been served, or an heart wrenching text from my wife once she receives the doucments, whoever gets to it first.

Had a decent dinner with a friend of mine from church last night.  I took him to a Thai place in town, and it was nice to spend a hour outside the house.  My friend is a recovering alcoholic himself.  He's been sober  right around 6 months now I believe.  To listen to his story, he's lost days of his life due to blackouts....knowing he started on a Tuesday and the next thing he knows its Thursday, losing 48 hours of his life. 

He's been an excellent friend and support person for me and I'm glad he's in my life.

After dinner I went to PetSmart to get some "bribes" for my dog.  As I was standing in line, my phoen chirped.  It was my wife wondering if I am going to talk to her anytime soon.  I want to, but like I said yesterday, I don't even know where to start.  I did not call or text her back. 

When I got home last night there was an interesting voice mail message from the bank.  It appears my wife must have called within the last day or two and wanted to inquire about 'liquidating' her IRA.  She only opened that IRA less than a year ago, when she rolled her 401K over into it and already paid a penalty on that.

I suspect my wife is now having financial issues, even more so than I would have guessed.  I have two weeks worth of unemployment forms/letters for her at the house I did not forward...nor has she asked for them (strange), so I have no idea how she is getting unemeployment right now.

And according to a mutual friend who spoke with her earlier in the week, no job prospects either.

Curious, I called the bank this morning and asked if there was any penalties if someone wished to liquidate or borrow from their IRA.  Yes, somewhere between 10-15% depending on the nature of the request and amount.  Hey, the more she borrows against herself, the more penalties she has to pay, meaning less money for her. 

I have a suspicision that she will be coming down this weekend.  Whether it's today, tomorrow, or Saturday, I just have a gut feeling she's going to be driving down whether she's been served or not.  I suspect she want's to talk to me since I've been avoiding her. I also suspect she wants her mail.  And possibly now to go to the bank and see about her IRA (unless she's doing that in her new state).

I think I'm going to ask my parents to take my dog Friday night once my dad comes by to walk him and keep him overnight.  Two reasons: 1) I do suspect my wife will be dropping by unexpectedly, and I don't want 'my' dog (the only thing left in my life who is my companion) to be in the middle of anything, and 2) My other friend wants to take me out for the day on Saturday.  He belongs to an off-road truck club, and wants to take me on a 1/2 day excursion with his club.  He's been asking me forever and I something was always coming up on my end, but I agreed this time as my schedule is wide open, and if I am indeed gone most of the day from the house on Saturday, the less chances my served and angry wife will be able to confront me.

Slept 'okay' last night.  still getting up once or twice in the middle of night for no reason, but this time I didn't use a sleeping pill.  I did, however, get up at 5:30...an hour before I usually do during the week, but laid under the covers until about 6:10 before I got up and had coffee and watched some TV. 

Have a mild headache now, probably from lack of breakfast.  I still feel a little anxious today, most likely because of the aforementioned 'waiting' to get 'the' call.  But it's been pretty quiet on the family side as well.  My MIL or SIL haven't contacted me in a few days now.  I think my SIL is out of town, but it's a tad unusual not to her from my MIL for this long.

My walk with God has taken a slight back seat lately.  I still pray everyday in the morning, but I haven't been reading my daily devotionals like I should be, nor have I been turning 'everything' over to Him either.  Some of my pride or that male stubborness is kicking in making me falsely beleive I can handle things, I can now start controling things.....but I know I'm wrong.  So tomorrow will be Celebrate Recovery, and church on Sunday.  Men's group is not meeting this Saturday.

Need to make it past the next few days.

Tough 24 hours

The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.

My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.

Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.

I hurt so much right now.

I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.

I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.

I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.

I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.

How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.

The list can go on and on.

I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.

But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.

I really am that co-dependant.

Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.

I cried this morning.

And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.

I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.

I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.

I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.

Ugh..copies from the county clerk

It's one thing to have your lawyer tell you that he will file on dissolution of marriage on your behalf.

It's another thing all together when you get an email with copies of the actual filing rubber stamped by the county clerk and in .PDF format.

No turning back.

What an icky feeling.

Hate it.

Nervously calm

I have a strange feeling ovr my body today.

Although I am calm, I have an underlying feeling of anxiety in my chest today. The events of the last few days have made me so tired, that I finally couldn't stay awake any longer last night and hit the sheets at 9:30pm.

Barring from getting up once to use the restroom in the middle of the night, I more or less slept until 6:30am today.

My wife texted me numerous times yesterday, pleading for me to call her. After a few ignores, I responded to a text "You crushed me." in reference to the alleged affair. She called me, and I ignored the call. Her texts then turned somewhat ugly, and then finally admitted she did indeed go to a city back in January and lied to me and her daughter, but she denies meeting anyone there or having an affair.

I really don't believe for one second she drove 4 hours by herself, and then stayed by herself for 2 days. Remember, she was unemeployed at the time (and still is). She asked friends to cover for her. If she has nothing to hide, then why go through all this trouble.

She then texted she went to see a therapist. Awesome. so you go one time after kicking and screaming and denying and lying, and I am supposed to be impressed?

She then called me a second time last night at 6:30pm begging for me to call her.

Are you kidding me?

You have put me, your daughter, your family, and 1/2 your friends on ice the last 26 days, only texting when you feel like it, and now you want to talk on the phone? Hmmmm...coincidence that you found out I know about a possible 'alleged' affair and you're now calling me?

I'm busy today at work, which is a good thing. Idle time, leads to an idle mind, which is my own worst enemy. As "Anon" pointed out yesterday, it doesn't really matter anymore. The wheels are in motion. You will be served sometime this week if and when the process server can track you down.

Again, thanks for stiffing me on the taxes that you owe and I had to pay today on your behalf just to keep my name and credit clear of the IRS. Thanks for lying to me and your daughter and your family about your whereabouts back in January.

I so want to talk to you, but am afraid to because my mind and heart are torn. I still love you, but I refuse to be kicked down anymore. I love you, but your behavior disgusts me. I want to scream and yell, but what does that change? You are damaged and don't even know it. I'm so mad at you, but then again, you are sick...the alcohol has changed you and it's a disease and you are looking at the world from a lost point of view. I feel sorry for you.

An 'affair' of the heart.

.....

Just when you think the bottom can't fall out anymore that it already has, a blind-sided surprise has managed to rip the rug out from underneath me and send me into a dizzying spiral of depression.

The problem is right now I cannot be 100% positive of the validity of this information, however, 2 seperate people who don't know each other and live in completely different geographic regions have very similar stories and time frames for said events. Coupled with my wife's strange behavior and something she packed when she left, leads credence to this 'story', or at the very least points in the direction of it being true.

One of my wife's friends called me late Friday afternoon and said she could no longer cover up for my wife. That in the past week, having been married twice herself, could not bare to hear how crappy I've been treated and felt the need to share something with me....that my wife is possibly having an affair, dating back to January, weeks before the intervention. The gentlemen in question is quite possibly an ex-boyfriend from years ago who is also currently married and has two children of his own.

I asked why she was telling me this now, and the friend explained that she knows what it's like to be cheated on, and is having a hard time continuing to cover up for my wife. Apparently back in January, my wife told me, our daughter, and her family that she was going away for a girls weekend in which nobody thought any differently. In reality this 'girls weekend' didn't happen at all. Instead my wife told her girlfriend to 'cover for her' and if anyone were to ask, that they hung out and to be careful what she posts on Facebook. Why? Because my wife was spending the next few days elsewhere and didn't want anyone, especially me or any member of the family to find out. Most likely with this male companion.

Ice ran through my viens as I heard this and I broke down. Boy did I break down. I never thought I could cry like that, but I did. It was so bad, my neighbor came over to see what was wrong, and in my frazzled state I blurted it out, without knowing the extent of the details or if it was even true.

It just so happens my SIL called me as well and I shared this with her and my BIL, and they said they suspected something as well, but weren't 100% sure themselves, but my wife leaving to where she did and when sounded a little fishy. They just never said anything to me to protect my feelings in case they were wrong.

On Sunday I walked to a neighbors house. A young woman who lives alone but had befriended my wife about 6 months ago. I put her on the spot and asked her if she knew anything. She said she was wondering why my wife's car has been gone lately, and why my wife hasn't been returning her texts or emails. The neighbor said that indeed my wife was receiving and responding to texts from a man back in January. The neighbor said she confronted my wife about it and told my wife she should not be doing this, it will lead to danger, and heartbreak, and more. But the neighbor said she suspected something was up as well.

These two seperate women who don't know each other mentioned another man, around January, who lives in the same area as my wife is now 'visiting'.

You can imagine that I did not sleep at all.

I also have a bleeding ulcer or something. My toilet has been pooling with bright red blood the last day, and after countless hours of crying and pain I am numb. I actually took a brief nap in my car today at lunch I am so tired.

And then to make matters worse, the one neighbor who discovered my crying on Friday night told his wife, who in turn told their neighbor, who in turn (yet again) texted my wife and called her on this.

I haven't spoke to my wife at all in days now, but I received a bevy of frantic texts from her late Saturday begging me to contact her. She denies all this. She denies having an affair. Says it's utter B.S. But why would someone call me out of the blue and tell me this? Why would a second person then match many elements of this story if it wasn't true? How could two people who don't know each other tell me very similar things.

Well, maybe my wife hasn't slept with him...yet, and therefor is able to deny a 'physical' affair. But there is something there on a possible emotional level....maybe just flirting...maybe a shoulder to cry on....but it's WRONG no matter how far it has gone or hasn't gone, especially if it's an old boyfriend.

I have cut off ALL COMMUNICATION from my wife. I am not calling her back. I am not forwarding her mail. Today is Monday and taxes are due. I still have seen no money from her, so I pretty much got stiffed. And all these claims she still loves me....?? When she lied to me about 'girls-weekend'. Bah.

I will be packing more of her clothes tonight and put them on the porch. But I am not helping her anymore. I am note even forwarding her the unemployment papers. I don't want to be vindictive or an ass, but I don't see why I should make it easy for her to get her government pay as she continues bowling and drinking and stiffing me, and now 'Possibly' linked to an affair. In her mind, an affair may be sleeping with someone, not hanging out, texting back and forth, etc.

No turning back...the wheels are now in motion

Despite my wife saying she was not going to go the party last night, I'm glad I chose to stay home anyway.

Why?

Well as my SIL predicted, my wife showed up anyway.

*Sigh*

Well, at least she had the decency not to come to the house last night. And if she did, she would find two large boxes on the porch I packed for her, including her mail. One box is all shoes. The other more clothes. I'll pack more in the future, but two boxes is all I felt like last night.

That being said, I went to bed at an early hour of 9pm. Slept 'okay' although I did get up once at midnight, and again at 3am, and finally at 5:15 in which I decided just to get up and start my day.

Did some grocery shopping...for one....and am going to treat myself to steak one night this week.

Met with my lawyer this morning. 30 minutes is all it took, plus a check for his retainer fee. That being said, I signed the papers. She will hopefully be served mid-week next week in her new state. Lawyer told me to avoid any contact with her, lest I get emotional or allow her to talk me into something.

On the way home I called my dad with the news. He's supportive. For me, I really had no emotion. I wasn't feeling happy or sad. I wasn't depressed or angry. It just felt like a business transaction.

That was until I called my best friend. I let him know what I did and he congratulated me. He said he knows I tried, tried hard for quite some time, but my wife is all about herself right now.

And then I cried. Right there and then in the car. I had a good 3 minute cry, and I'm sure there will be more of those in the days and weeks to come. And then someday next week, when my wife gets served by surprise, the crap will really hit the fan. She says she doesn't want a divorce, that she still loves me (as I've said here before), but I see not one iota of evidence of ANY attempt over the last 3+ weeks to rectify anything.

No...like I said yesterday. Bowling, and parties are her top priorities right now.

So, therapy in about 5 hours, then Celebrate Recovery at 8pm, followed by men's support group tomorrow at 6:15am.

War of Words II

This morning was rich.

I got a text from my wife at around 10am asking me if I wanted to meet her for lunch. So she got here either super early, or she came down the night before and spent the night somewhere in the area.

OMG, come to find out she spent the night at the girls house who is throwing the surprise b-day party for my good friend later today. It gets better. Said mutual friend told my wife I will not go to the party because she will be there. Ahh...great. Really? So not only do you invite my in-denial wife about her drinking to a bar, you let her stay with you and not tell anyone, and then proceed to tell my wife I won't attend because of her drinking.

Am I living in Bizarro world?

I asked my wife is she saw a counsler yet.

She avoided the question by deflecting it to something else.

I asked again.

She stared talking about her sister and how her sister is meddeling in her life and our marriage.

I said "I will assume 'No' since you can't answer the question."

"Actually I do, on Monday."

"Then why don't you just answer the question the first time, instead of dancing around talking about your sister, and everything else?"

-long pause-

I push more..."And what about the deposit you were going to put in the bank for YOUR taxes? You've told me 2x now over the past 2 weeks, and I haven't seen anything. Instead...as is the norm....you are here for a party, meaning you put yourself and fun first, before family, marriage, and responsibility."

That opened the flood gates. I got a series of angry texts in return....all deflections, all excuses, and how I'm not a good friend because I'm not going to a party tonight. They were so random, they didn't even make sense, and oddly this time I didn't get mad or emotional.

She then had the audacity to say "I thought YOU wanted to work on the marriage?" I simply replied..."I'm going to counseling. I'm paying my bills. I'm being a responsible adult. I didn't run away. Something you cannot seem to do."

Her last text to me (which I don't beleive for one second) was "You can go ahead to the party, I'm not going. You make me feel like a child and like shit."

No....you make yourself feel like shit because you know I am right. You feel like shit because you are running out of excuses to get into counseling (it's been over 3 weeks now and you haven't yet gone). You feel like shit because deep down in your heart you know you abandoned your daughter, you abandoned your marriage, you've alienated your family, and your spending the night at other peoples houses and not your own bed. You feel like shit because you know you owe money for your responsibilities but you spend your government handout instead at bowling alleys, bars, and filling your gas tanks driving to your friends places. You feel like shit because you cannot talk, text, or look your daughter in the face right now. You feel like shit because the big dream of getting a job in another state isn't happening like you thought it would.

You feel like shit, because you know all of this is WRONG.

I spoke to my daughter this morning. She feels like crap today. She knew before I did that her mom came into town yesterday, and my wife hasn't even attempted once to contact her.

As I pointed out to my wife. She puts herself and fun first. Family, marriage, God all come in last place.

I am not going to the party tonight: 1) I cannot believe my wife is not going to go after she drove 4 hours yesterday to get here. 2) I cannot believe my friends girlfriend is knowingly harboring my alcoholic wife in her own house and failed to mention that to me when she asked for me to help set the party up. 3) I cannot believe my friends girlfriend told my wife why I wasn't going to attend, thus my wife telling me how crappy I am for doing that to him. 4) I need to pack additional boxes of my wifes clothing and put them on the porch tonight for what I believe will be the inevitable late night drive-by.

I have my second one-on-one therapy session tomorrow, and my lawyer appointment as well. Need to get the ball rolling. My "real" wife, the one I married has been abducted and replaced by stubborn, prideful, irresponsible, cold-hearted, alcoholic.