Tuesday update

After Monday nights conference call, the family came to the conclusion and is looking at me to make my house an Alcohol Free Zone. That means that any alcohol in my house, including the 6 pack my wife bought on Sunday needs to be removed from the house. They also asked me to refrain from drinking anything at all as well, and I agreed.

My wife came home at 9:45pm Monday night from her bowling and appeared to be sober for all intents and purposes but did tell me she did have a couple of beers. Exhausted from the conference call and everything else, I just went to bed and did not discuss with her any that happened on the conference call that evening.

I had a restless night Monday/Tuesday morning. I maybe got 4 hours of sleep and woke up very tense. So tense in fact my legs were aching. I probably should not have had coffee in my anxious state, but I did anyway.

I was debating to wait until I got home to talk to my wife about the Alcohol Free zone, but I couldn't bare the all day wait, so I picked up the phone at around 10am yesterday and called her at home. I was upfront and honest and told her about the conference call and all those that participated. I also told her about the family asking me not to drink for the forseeable future and also to remove all alcohol from our house.

Although she was calm on the phone, and said we would talk later when I got home from work, she said her family was "out of their minds and hypocrites". She said she can "socially drink" and will quit when she is ready too and does not plan on pouring out the beer. Well, I can't say I was happy with her response, but the feeling of getting it out in the open and off my chest for the rest of the day did help me.

AT 3:30pm I received a text from my wife. She was going to visit her aunt 40 miles away and would be home later. I found this odd because in the 8.5 years that we have been married my wife has NEVER 'randomly' visted her aunt under any circumstance.

This means that I would now have to pick up my daughter from work who was upset that her mom didn't pick her up (but such is the case as of late). It also meant that the talk we were 'supposed' to have would not be taking place...again.

My brother in law called me at 7:30 and we spoke for 20 minutes. He wanted to smooth things over a bit from the night before. He realized that my SIL words were a bit "over-the-top" towards me and he said they had a long talk afterwards about her reactions. Anyway, I shared with him the fact my wife was at her aunt's, and he came to the same conclusion without me prompting him: "She has nowhere else to go, is grasping for straws, and trying to get ANY family member left over to see her side of things, to get anyone to empathize with her." Towards the end of the conversation, he was very blunt and honest with me: "You need to file for divorce. She isn't going to change unless she sees you mean business. We all know you have been patient and have endured a lot over the years, but the human body wasn't built for this level of stress on a daily basis that you are going through. We want you to be happy, and we just don't see this marriage continuing with my sister's behavior and attitude."

Wow.

They have gone from asking me to see a lawyer to see what my option are to outright telling me to file for divorce to wake her up. That kinda takes a small burden off me, as part of my emotional problems as of late was wondering if I had acceptance from the family if I went that route.

To add to that, my mother called me this morning as well. I shared what my BIL said to me. She took all of one second to say "We agree. Your dad and I also believe you need a divorce. We want you to be happy and you can find someone else out there, a Christian that has values and has the ability to 'love' back." She also went on to tell me that my aunt and uncle also think I need to divorce my wife that they think "she has problems".

Wow. That's 75% of my family is now urging me to file, with my FIL/MIL 'somewhat' supportive as well.

I am going to my second Al-Anon meeting tonight at 7:30pm. My birthday is this Friday. It's supposed to rain all weekend....typical for me.

Anyway, I meet with a new lawyer on March 22nd.

Onward.

Not a good day.

Monday morning my wife and I got into an argument...one of the reasons I was so mad. It didn't help that I recieved an email from my SIL wondering how committed I was all of a sudden to the cause. It was kinda a hrash email, and I understand where she is coming from, but at the same time, she's not me, nor is she standing in my shoes, or living under my roof to see the day to day dealing sI go through.

Last night the interventionist held another conference call. My parents did not attend. My step-daughter said she felt that she was being placed in the middle of things (I understand that too) and did not want to participate any longer as she sees nothing happening (I agree).

So it was my BIL/SIL, me, interventionist, & MIL/FIL. FIL didn't say one thing on the phone, so I may as well write him off as well. So we're almost at half strength now.

The first 30 minutes of the call was my BIL/SIL telling me I need to do more. They said I missed opportunities to put my foot down and play hard ball. There is some truth to that, but it was very hard to hear their combined criticism for 30 minutes. I could feel myself fighting back the tears out of frustration. It must be so nice to sit in a sperate house 30 miles away and criticize my every move whether they see it or not and think they have one iota of the pesonal conflict and pain I am going through on a daily basis.

They even told me I need to see a professional therapist...of course at my expense. I've already agreed to go to Al-Anon for them (again, tomorrow night), I am going to a men's support group on Saturday mornings, church on Sundays, listening to the 'Codependent' audio book.....plus I work. How much more can one person do? I'm tapped out.

My wife brought home a six pack of beer on Sunday night and by the time I got home yesterday evening (she went bowling) I noted that two were missing (i.e. drank). Everyone on the phone said I needed to get tough and pour it all out, and tell my wife that our house is now an 'alcohol free zone', and that includes me as well.

I poured one out this morning, but left three. I figure when I get home I will have to sit down and have a talk I am not looking forward to...actually aprehensive and stressed out about...and tell her about the conference call last night and what the family decided that I have to be the trigger man for.

I can only imagine how that is going to go, on top of the argument we had yesterday morning. To me, this is only one more nail in the coffin for our marriage, and everytime I have to get tough either on my behalf or on my families behalf, it only seems to get worse for me.

So this morning, on top of my restless sleep, I have a ball of anxiety that called for a Xanax...that does not appear to be working for me.

Right now I just want to go home and crawl in bed and be left alone. Today is going to be a hard day to concentrate.

Mad.

Today.....I am mad.

So mad in fact, I had a hard time falling back asleep once I got up at 3am.

So mad, that it has taken me these last few hours just to calm down enough to think straight.

Right now, I feel like like going medieval, but trying to stay centered.

When the enemy attacks, he goes right for the jugular.

I'd write about it right now, but I fear my judgement is clouded.

Finding my voice?

Not sure what happened to the first lawyer I spoke with, but he seems to have fallen off the planet. It's Friday afternoon now, and after two attempts earlier this week, he has not contacted me back.

So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.

That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?

Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.

My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.

I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).

Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?

I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.

Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.

One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:

1. I did not Cause it.


2. I cannot Control her.


3. I cannot Cure her.

It's in the Lord's hands, and ultimately she has to make certain decisions. And if they are the wrong ones for me, I don't have to adhere or be controlled by those decisions unless I allow myself to be.

It's about finding my voice. Again.

I don't have to be mean. I don't have to be judgemental. I don't have to let it bring me down or affect me...not unless I allow it to.

It's about me being calm and collected and trying my hardest to draw definitive lines in the sand. Black & White. Actions = consequences. (Heh...that looks tough here as I type it, but can I really put it into practice and stick to it? - That's the $100K question).

My mom spoke 'at' me again yesterday via phone. She's under the impression (and therefor, conclusion) my wife will not change....ever.

She's urging me to divorce. My mom wants me to be happy. I've hid a lot from her over the years...to protect her...and myself. I never lied to her...I just chose not to tell her about my wife's issues, or mine for that matter, but it's all out there now.

When she listened to everybody else and their dealings with my wife during the failed intervention, my mother was stunned.

She's upset I didn't have the 'balls' to leave sooner.

My mom is old school...hardcore. If it were up to her, I should have been divorced 2-3 years ago when my health was first starting to be affected, she just didn't know to what extent my emotional and physical states were...because I learned to mask my feelings an hour at time here and there. I put on the good face at family events, all the while I was miserable.

That's it for now.

Random thoughts at 1:30

It's a painfully slow day at work today.

It has allowed me to listen a bit more to my new audiobook although I may have to go back and re-listen to portions again to make sure they sank in or that I can digest them. For the life of me right now, I can't seem to recall too much of the last 30 minutes I listened to (perhaps because my brain is shuffling around too much info right now).

My dad called me today from out of state. My grandmother is still alive, no real change in her health one way or another. I was glad to hear from him though and I miss him. He's only been gone since Saturday, but the 17th (when he returns) can't get here soon enough. He's my rock (no offense mom, I love you too if you ever stumble upon this).

Not sure what's going on with the lawyer I met with a few weeks back. I sent an email on Monday and no reply. I called his office yesterday, spoke with his secretary about setting up a new meeting, and I have received no reply yet.

So I contacted a new lawyer today....someone that was referred to me by my best friend. He only practices family law and is somewhat closer to my house, and also on my way home from work, which may be better for me in the long run, especially if the original lawyer is too busy to contact me back.

On the emotional front: I still feel okay today. Still no Xanax and no tears today. I'm reading my daily devotionals, continuing to pray, getting encouragement from my MIL.

My wife supposedly committed to playing "Bunco" at one of the neighbors homes tonight as a substitute for someone else who can't make it. I hope she goes. I know she wants to 'talk' with me, but I honestly can't think of what to say. My SIL & MIL & interventionist say we all need to stay focused and keep any conversation with her about alcohol and treatment. I know my wife will want to talk about other marriage issues, and deflect, and go off on other tangents. It's my job to 'detach' myself from those accusations and only talk about alcohol...which is going to be hard to do.

My prayer today will be for me to brush off all that other crap that may be flung towards me and stay on point. Tougher than it sounds.

I noticed my armpits are particularly sweaty today. Nerves.

Al-Anon - my first meeting

I can honestly say, if you would have asked me some time back one of the last things on Earth I would ever expect myself to particpate in is any 12-step program, let alone based on the behaviors of someone else.

Last night was my 1st Al-Anon meeting.

For those that don't know, Al-Anon is a free support group based on the tennents of the AA 12-step program, but is geared for idviduals or family members that are dealing with an alcoholic or other substance abusive person in their lives.

Thankfully, by luck I found a meeting right in my very town, only a few miles from my house that runs 1.5 hours starting at 7:30pm.

I had only told my wife the day before that I was attending 'a meeting' at 'a' church. No, I did not disclose it was an Al-Anon meeting or name 'the' church. She thought something was fishy, and for the first time in weeks all of a sudden was interested in what I was doing. So much so, that she drove around town last night for 30 minutes, trying to 'catch' me, or 'stalk' me, or whatever you want to call it. Weird. The same person who tells me to leave her alone, ignores me, belittles me to the neighbors, verbally hostile towards me....all of a sudden has an interest on what I am doing. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't care (at least last night I didn't), and I went and told her I would be home at 9pm.

I could tell you the wacky stunt she pulled, and the weird texts she sent me, but thats besides the point of this post. The fact is, I went to the meeting.

I wasn't sure what to expect. It was held in a small elementary classroom as part of the Episcopal church in town, and the majority of the group (there was about 11 of us) were first timers. I think there was only 3 (including the leader for the night) that were regulars.

I will be honest, the first 1/2 hour was kind of a waste for me. It was obligatory passage reading, the serenity prayer, announcements, etc I guess that happen at every meeting as a formal structure.

It was only the last hour in which people got to share. Being my first time, I wasn't expected to share, but I have nothing to lose and I already came here and made the decision to leave my house, so why not? I voluntered my story. So much has happened over the last few years, and especially these last few month, but I was able to keep it and hit the major point in roughly 7 minutes or so.

They asked me what I wanted out of this experience. I paused, took a few seconds to think about it, and this is what I came up with:

1. I want my health back. I don't want to lose weight via stress, have high blood pressure, be on Xanax, maintain my focus and mood.


2. I want my sleep back. I don't want to spend anymore sleepless nights wondering what the future may hold, feeling the anxiety keeping me up at nights, quieting my mind from all the scenarios I have no control over.


3. I want my spine back. This was the most important one to me. I explained that years ago I used to be a strong male figure. A leader. But over the course of this marriage (and not just because of alcohol), somehow, somewhere, someway, I lost my backbone and have become a doormat to the person I provide for. The love I have for my wife is not reciprocated nor appreciated no matter what I do and therefor I am torturing myself day-in and day-out. I want to wake up someday and say "NO....this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated anylonger." A voice I used to have, but don't have now.

A few others (not all) voluntered their own stories, and I was surprised how similar they sounded to mine. Just change a few names, a few dates, and both the men and women here of diffrent ages were living my life as well.

Some may say that in itself may be empowering, but I'm not so sure. The only thing it told me is that people of all ages have screwed up marriages rooted in addiction, and the behaviors are all the same. It didn't make me feel better, but just sad for all the others expereincing the same degree of pain (maybe more, maybe less) that I am. I really wanted to pray for one man in particular who couldn't have been much older than me, but has two young daughters at stake with a young wife that has been in and out of rehab for years now....and he hasn't left her. He cried in front of us, and I could really empathize. I got him tissues and during the break, I told him don't be embarrassed...I cry all the time, it just so happens last night I told him I was dehydrated and my tear bank was empty.

Overall, it was just about sharing. No one tried to solve anything for anybody. No one was giving legal advice, or choosing sides. It was a group of people that were in love with someone who can't love themselves and we can't understand why. At the end, it felt a little morose, but I left with my head held up high and took a deep breath and went home.

I didn't even get into the wacky antics my wife pulled only hours earlier....I didn't want to even address them. I just took my shower, got in my pajamas (it was cold) and went to bed.

Today is the first morning I got up after sleeping pretty decent that I did not feel the need to pop a Xanax. And now hours later, I still feel okay. I mean that could possibly change, but right now, at least at this instant...I feel 'Okay'.

Interlude: Codependent No More

Our family interventionist suggested we read a book: "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. Well, I'm always up for a certain level of challenge, and finding no lasting help thus far in my current situation, I decided to look into this titile.

I was happy to learn there is an unabridged audio version clocking in just shy of 9 hours available on Audible.com for roughly $10. I went ahead and downloaded the 128MB file to my Android phone and began listening yesterday afternoon.

I'm only just shy of two hours into by now (listening both yesterday and this morning already) and have come to the conclusion I am a textbook 'codependent'.

While I may not fit 100% of all the symptons, I do embody quite a bit of them, say a guestimate of 80-85% of the examples given thus far. And it's just not the authors random writings...she provides real life case studies written by real people. It was amazing to hear how many of these stories paralleled my own to a very high degree. Sure, there are some differences here and there, but the overall pictures that these people paint are very similar to my own.

That makes me feel both happy and sad. Sad that these people are expereincing the same level of pain that I am (because it's harsh and it sucks), but happy to know by other first hand accounts that this situation is not unique to me, my family, and not 100% of my doings.

Part I of the book is defing what codependency is, and there symptoms. Part II, which I am now about to begin is the beginnings of how I am going to identify my own issues and start to change myself, for the betterment of myself.

The first key word - detachment. It's only been briefly defined thus far, and I'm sure we'll dig deeper here shortly, but I already get the sense I am going to make the very tough decision and force myself to act upon it, to detach my hurt and current feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, sadness, etc. from a my wife who doesn't give a rip to begin with. I am wasting energy, and emotions on someone who doesn't even recognize them to begin with and is currently incapable of both processing that or even returning any sense of empathy or compassion.

As someone recently told me, she can't love me if she can't love herself. And quite clearly she's living a facade of an exisitence and doesn't even note it herself.

In other news, I will be attending my first open Al-Anon meeting tonight at 7:30. My wife appraoched me this morning (unusual to begin with) and said she wants to talk. Does this have anything to do with the fact she got into a texting war with my BIL/SIL yesterday? The fact my MIL/FIL are upset with her. Funny...you've ignored me for 8 days straight, and now you want to talk. Sorry, tonight I have a meeting, perhaps tomorrow. I've waited and waited and waited to talk to you and we have given you multiple opportunites to voice your side, just to be blown off at every chance.

Now you want to talk?

The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part VI)

Sunday/Monday wrap-up.

Saturday evening was touch and go as to whether our smaller Sunday meeting with my wife would actually take place. It was not looking to good as my wife, still only texting (no actual phone calls), kept saying she's in no rush to get anywhere.

Even though her father directly requested that she show up at 2pm, as promised, no one was holding there breath.

Sunday I attended church and an elder pulled me aside seeing that I have been distressed and spoke with me for a good 20 minutes. It really didn't help all that much other than me breaking down and crying and releasing some emotions, all the while counting down the time until 2pm.

The interventionsist called me and said he didn't think my wife was going to come, so he wasn't going to make the drive and I can't blame him. But I was determined to show my inlaws that I still have a fight in me, so I drove to their house and got there at 2pm. I hung out until 3pm and gave up. My wife was a no show. Her parents were very disapointed, but for some reason, my father inlaw despite faced with numerous verbal accounts from the family, and witnessed his own daughter blowing off his specific request, still seems to be in somewhat of denial himself.

He talks big one second, and when we get to the 11th hour, he remains silent. I brought this concern up to the interventionsist, and he agreed....my FIL seems to be mentally wrestling with the facts...of course what parent doesn't want to give thier child a second, thrid, fourth, fifth chance? However, it's becomming clear to me that as a family that is supposed to be united on this front, the patriarch is slowly fading into the background and not leading.

I was back at my home by 3:30pm and I got a text (what is it with my family and texts?) from my MIL that my wife showed up at 3:15 claiming her cell phone was dead. My inlaws didn't excuse her...telling her she should have left earlier, or stopped at a gas station or restaraunt to give call.

My MIL also said that my wife was upset that I was there yet again to give my side of the story and she wasn't, but they said they shot that down saying they have asked for her side of the story for weeks and she either blows them off, or has a convenient excuse of some sort.

She did tell them that while she didn't drink and drive this time, that she did drink when she was out of town, yet another broken promise. She said she could go without drinking and prove us wrong. That didn't last all of two days.

Anyway, she didn't stay long, maybe 30 minutes at most, and was back at our house sometime around 4:30pm. And the first thing she did? Grab the very last beer in the house and drink it in front of me and our daughter. I was so stunned, I was literally speachless, something that my BIL/SIL would eventually give me the 3rd degree for last night when I said that. (I can't seem to win).

My wife was quiet most of the time saying very little to me or our daughter. She watched a little TV with us and made her way up to bed at 8pm. This bummed me out, because that was my strategy....to remove myself and go to our room by myself and watch some TV until I hopefully fell asleep.

So I stayed up until 9:30, and decided to go to our room and I crawled into bed. I guess she couldn't sleep, and somewhere around 2am, went downstairs to try and sleep on the couch to no avail. I eventually got up at 7am, got ready for work and left...again, neither of us saying anything.

Of course my dad called me from out of state, the interventionsist called me, my MIL called me, my mother called me all throughout the day....all offering up the same re-hashed advice that no husband/son wants to hear. Nothing very helpful, just more "You need to do this, you need to do that."

I came home and walked my dog and counetd down to 8pm for our supposed 1Hr family conference call.

What a fricken mess. The 1hr call turned into a 1hr 45 min call, most of it going in circles. The interventionist tried to involve my FIL, but it was pretty evident to everyone he's shying away from all this now. More information and behavior came to light from all the other family memebers, and then it seemed my BIL/SIL slightly turned on me, stating I'm not doing enough. I'm not putting my foot down. Why didn't I say anything when she came home and cracked a beer?

Well, first of all....I am not the Alpha's they are. I'm am worn down, and any few minutes of peace I get these days is a treasure. It's really easy to sit and command from the side lines when you aren't living/breathing it when the monster is in the room. They can easily walk away, hang up the phone, or turn their attentions to something else. My SIL has been married 3x. My BIL 2x. They've been through this before and chose to move on.....I haven't and take my vows seriously. It frustrated me that they feel exasperated that I'm holding back. But what can I do? I already spoke to a lawyer, and I have no legal authority to change the locks or kick her out. She's 42 years old...what am I gonna do...chain her to the door? I have to work....she is unemployed...so I'm gone 50 hours a week and she goes bowling on Monday nights...what/when/how am I uspposed to do anything? No one has any REAL ideas, not even the interventionist, yet my BIL/SIL threw the gauntlent down last night on the phone saying I have to do more!!

Even my daughter finally said "Well, what are WE supposed to do? You aren't here. You don't see the monster that my mom is when she goes off on a tirade or gets in her mood. She's relentless and mean." Yes, we are admiting that both of us who live with her are scared, and my BIL/SIL think that's an excuse on our part. Yeah, because that's what I like...constant yelling, tears, arguments, etc. Again, it's just so easy to be an armchair quarterback and point out things someone should be doing when you're not the one getting your hands bloody.

Finally, we had enough. Eveyone said they thought the meeting was productive. My daughter and I looked at each other and wondered "What meeting were we at then?" Neither she nor I saw anything happen. We heard my BIL/SIL criticize me, my FIL walked away from the phone, and more pressure placed on me...and my wife is still out bowling and doing what she wants.

I had it. After that call, I went to my room, took a sleeping pill, prayed, and just asked to get me through this day.

My wife, surprisingly came home at 10:10 (Thank God the call ended 20 minutes ago). She got into bed herself, facing away from me...we didn't talk at all.

I got up this morning, and here I am at work. I'm having intestinal issues this morning due to the stress of the call, and ended up taking a Xanax at 7am.

The end of a marriage, or a new beginning (Part V)

Hey there all. I want to thank so many people for their support, not that anyone is happy about the situation I find myself in, but the support coming from people that both know me, and those that don't that have offered my wife and myself up for prayer.

No one ever enters a marriage thinking it will end. I know I didn't, and that's perhaps why I waited until I was 32 years old. We dated almost a whole year before we walked down that aisle together and I still remember thinking how beautiful she was in that dress, and visions of kids, and growing old together.

Today I fired off a letter to the lawyer I met back on the Feb 22nd to ask for a follow up meeting at the end of this month to see whether or not I make the very hard and painful decison to move on with my life and try to find some semblance of peace. For as long as my wife denies treatment, continues to put herself first before everyone else, and can't face her demons, then neither she nor I will ever be happy.

As my mother in law told me yesterday (swear), she knows that I have put up with more than anyone could have asked, that I stuck it out through all the bad with very little good and neither she or my father-in-law fault me.

I know I said Wed/Thur would be next in this series, but nothing of note happened. I tried to reach out to my wife on Thursday, but was ignored. And apparently so was everyone else. The only sad thing I have to report is that the neighbor who sent me that ugly text message last Sunday....well, I ran into her on the street. I only planned on having a 5 minute conversation with her, but got sucked into listening to the most one-sided, biased diatribe based on very little factual information ever. I was polite and cordial, midnful to keep my mouth shut and to listen...(kill them with kindness is what I remember hearing).

It was pretty evident that 15 minutes into me listening to her, that I had lost a friend and neighbor. I was told that the intervention was wrong, even more so that the family was involved. Um...then how do interventions work? Who did she think shoudl be involved? Her? The neighborhood enablers? If my wife wanted to quit drinking and could do so on her own, we wouldn't be here today. Do you think I really wanted to do this? To make my life a living hell, be liable for a DUI or worse, and put up with all the shennanigans the whole family has put up for a long time now....just because you're the neighbor and her friend and you think we're ganging up on her?

Good God, I know for a fact if her own daughter was caught up into something bad, she'd do everything possible to save her daughter and could give a rats ass what some schmuck 5 doors down has to say when they only have tidbits of information. Oh well, I suppose that's the least of my current worries.

Every night this past week I've been awakened at 2am, just pondering over things. My thoughts are like that of a scratched record, that keep skipping back and repeating themselves dozens upon dozens of times before I drift back to sleep and muddle through another long day of semi-productive work.

For the first time in years (other than being ill), I was in bed at 9:30pm on Friday night. I skipped bible study Saturday morning. Instead I took my dog for a good hour walk, did chores about the house, 2 loads of laundry, and even went to the gym to ride the bike for 30 minutes. Still dropping weight like a mad-man. Today I weighed in at 210.4 lbs. On January 1st of this year I was 234.6. That's 24.2 lbs I've lost, and not all from diet and excercise....

My appetite is 'meh', and I've been drinking either water or coffee. The last sip of alcohol that touched my lips was one tumbler of whisky on ice 7 days ago to help me relax, and before that, it was another 7 days. So I've had one drink in the past 14 days myself.

I've gotten a lot of advice over the last few days. Tons of text messages, from family and church friends. It's wild to read all the advice. It appears that most think I'm okay to get a divorce, albeit a small number keep asking me to hold on and hold out waiting for some divine answer or act from God. But how long do I wait? Another year? Another 2? Wait until she kills someone? Some think that the mere filing of papers and serving her will show make her sit up and take notice on just how far I've been pushed.

Believe me, I am not taking this lightly at all. In my hearts of hearts, I really am still holding out that something will change in the coming days or weeks, but sooner or later I have to draw a line in the sand. I think it will be the end of the month.

If this isn't bad enough, my father...my rock and support system had to fly off early Saturday morning. My parents got a call a few days back (they didn't want to tell me to help protect me), that his mothers, (my grandmother), health is failing and she may not make it past this week. She's 95 years old, but that doesn't make it any easier. She's saved, but today she's lucid at best. My mom is alone at her house, worrying about both me and my dad. My mom is about to crumble as well emotionally.

So yes, when it rains it pours...and that may explain my rapid weight loss. My stress can be measured on the Rhicter scale.

To be continued....

Interlude to sadness and madness.

Today, I'm agitated.

But at least I haven't cried yet once today.

I spoke to my MIL this morning. No one has heard from my wife in days now, so I have no idea how the second interview went, or of she even had one. I did hear that she had one interview on Tuesday, that it was gruelling, and she's now not sure she likes the company.

Every free moment I am asking/praying to God to keep me calm and at peace. I am really trying to tunr this over to God and let His will be done and not to take it back. Trying to live one day at a time, nay, one hour at a time in my mind and heart.

Spoke with the interventionist this morning. We agreed that our second meeting (if she shows up) will include a change of venue and smaller in scale. It will now be at my inlaws house (instead of mine) with only my inlaws, myself, my wife and the interventionist. We are removing my parents, my BIL/SIL, and the hostile/nosey eyes of the neighbors whose judgements against me appear to have already been cast evem though we've never spoken and they don't know what happens in my house. Either way, I plan this time on going back to my own home when it's over and I don't care how uncomfortable either of us are.

That's supposed to take place in 48 hours from now.

I'm trying not to get mad and to concentrate at work, but I can tell I'm agitated now and my frustration is beginning to boil and mount and I have no release.

My dad walked my dog today for me a good hour and half. I'm glad he did, because I've felt horrible I haven't done it the last two days myself.

Looks like tonight I will spend another night home, alone, watching TV, eating leftovers, and hitting bed at a decent hour. Need to get my sleep, clear my mind, and rest up for Sunday.

My mouth is continuously dry, like cotton mouth. I wonder if this is a side effect of any of the meds I'm currently on.

The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part IV)

Tuesday.

I texted my wife in the morning: "Thinking of you and saying prayers for us."

No response.

More and more frustration is setting in. Two days have gone by now and I feel as if I am in utter limbo. I have no idea what is going on...with anyone....which makes my exsistence at work feel all the more lonely.

I can't believe I'm still able to function at work while averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night and extreme anxiety of an unclear future. I'm going home tonight to an empty house. My step-daughter has elected to spend the night at a friends house for the next two nights, so I know I have the whole place to myself.

Later in the afternoon, a fellow church member from my men's group (a former drug an alcoholic himself in a former life...now sober for 15+ years) offers to come by my house sometime tonight, and I agree. I could use a little company and spiritual support.

It's cold when I get home at 5:40pm so I turn on the heater. A quick look around shows that everything in the house appears to be intact. A decent sign I suppose.

I put some of my toiletries away, look through the mail, and take a nice hot shower and jump in my sweats. I don't have much of an appetite still, but I manage a few tortilla chips and some salsa and a large glass of water.

There's my own whisky bottle at the bar...mocking me. I want my own drink. My carnal side desires it, feels that I deserve it for the crap I've been going through the last 72 hours. Just one glass will help take the edge off I figure, maybe warm my belly, and help me sleep better.

Then my spirtual side kicks in. No. I can't. Isn't this what the whole thing is about? Alcohol abuse? How better am I if I start to go down that path? I decide not to afterall.

Finally at around 6:45, not just one, but two men from my church support group stops by and allows me to unload. This isn't their problem, this isn't their life, yet they lived it themselves before in the past and just sit and listen. I really needed that. I really needed to just talk to someone that I wasn't related to....who could identify because they had their own issues in the past. I'm very thankful for them.

I'm not sure what I expected. They prayed for me, my wife, the situation....but nothing has changed. Has it?

They leave at 8pm and I manage to stay up until 10. I go to bed and quickly fall asleep with the help of a single sleeping pill. I put on an extra blanket because I'm cold, and I like the feeling of the extra weight, and the house is empty other than my dog who cuddles up next to me.

I awake suddenly at 2:30am. My heart is beating fast and there's a knot in my sternum.....anxiety and stress. I spend the next 1.5 hours praying for the thousandth time, the same prayer. I've said it so many times now, I'm not even sure if I mean it anymore. I want to...I want to badly...but I can't think of anything new to say or ask.

I've been told to Thank Jesus for everything....that everything unfolds via His hand...if I only place my trust in Him. Paul tells us: "Do not worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand." (Eph 4:6-7)

I try this over and over and over again, yet I feel no peace. And what excatly am I to thank God for in this situation? I'm at a loss for an answer.

I sleep a bit more, but get up at 6am. I have a cup of coffee, pop my pills, read my devotional, say goodbye to my dog and drive up to work. Another long day ahead of me.

I still haven't heard from my wife, or feel any better about anything.....

Next: Wed/Thur

The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part III)

Day 1/Evening 1: I took a few minutes, in a daze on what just transpired, to gather a few belongings and my dog once again and go back to my parents house. Heck no, if I am going to be asked to leave "my" house that I "solely" paid for, I am for sure taking "my" dog.

I can't even remember the drive back to my parents house that late afternoon. With me, I had taken a few days worth of work clothes, my sweats and a few miscellaneous things.

My stomach was upset so my mom made me a scrambled egg, some cottage cheese, and a few slices of a pear...that was my dinner. I wasn't really in the mood for any type of discussion, but my parents emphasized that they also felt divorce was in my future and that they were now convinced more than ever that after watching my wife's reactions, there was no way she was ever going to admit that she needed help or take responsibility for anything....ever. Better to cut my losses now and move on with my life and try to find happiness, even if it takes a while, than to be continously walking on egg-shells for the remainder of my life, or until my wife wants to get help.

I went to my parents guest bed (a twin no less...ugh) and had a restless night. I slept on and off, (mostly off) and kept playing the events of the day in my head over and over again non-stop. I finally gave up at around 6am, got up and had a nice hot shower and heated up some day old coffee to try and ward off the minor headache I was experiencing. (My parents don't have any aspirin...go figure.).

The weather was a great indicator of my mood and feelings: dark, cold, overcast and about to rain. I contemplated taking the day off, but to what end? Sitting around with my dad all day, moping, sulking, feeling sorry for myself, crying? No..had to go to work despite my state of mind.

Lexapro: check.
Xanax: check.

The day was excruciatingly long. I got a few texts from my daughter, my SIL, my MIL to see how I was doing. Um....shitty. How do you think I'm doing?

My SIL informed me that after I left the intervention, the interventionsist met with (of all people) my neighbor...the one that texted me to say "I don't want anything to do with you anymore." Not sure what I think of this. Why is the neighbor now involved? It was later explained to me that they roped the neighbor into this as a way to get my wife to open up and talk. They thought my wife may feel more comfortable if the neighbor was there.....Well, while I may understand this on the surface....in the end this is MY marriage, and a FAMILY problem...not the nosey neighbor who knows nothing. My wife and neighbor and the interventionsist were supposed to meet on Monday afternoon. Do you understand why I am starting to feel this is now turning into a circus and I absolutely have no control anymore on whats going on?

I read a few bible verses, prayed a bit, and my drive back to my parents home at 5 was long...as it was now pouring rain and would be for the next few hours. I finally got a text from my wife "I am in the next state, made it safe, see you Sunday." That's it.

Watched some TV with my parents and went back to bed at 10pm. I kept thinking..."Again, why am I here and she got to stay at the house? Why is the neighbor involved? What the hell is going on? Why didn't the interventionist call me back like he said he would and tell me how the meeting with the wife and neighbor went?"

So I can return back to my home on Tuesday evening with my dog and spend the remainder of the week alone (my daughter went to stay with her friend for the next few days), in seclusion from my neighbors whom I am sure all think I am a heel by now.

I don't feel any better....at all. This is a shit-storm I find myself in the middle of and not of all my doing.

Next: Tuesday

The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part II)

Sunday morning seemed to drag on forever.

The meeting was scheduled back at my house at 11am. When I arrived in my car, I saw that my inlaws, my BIL/SIL and for the first time our hired 'gun' standing outside. My parents took their own car and followed me up.

I could see my wife standing in the neighbors driveway a few houses down, and of course a few of my neighbors...people we've shared our home with and 8 years of memory staring back at me. I can only imagine what my wife has been saying to them...so what was to be a family affair has now turned into a public circus. Oh...this is going to go just frickin' splendid. Two of my neighbors walked by a little closer (nosey I'm sure) and one just looked away from me when her eyes met mine. By now I feel ill to my stomach, light-headed, and weak-kneed.

My wife defiantly stepped into the house and stood in the kitchen as the rest of sat around the table. She was not going to sit.

The process is supposed to be open, without negativity, without judgement, without malice and instead warm, loving, cautionary. Well, that's how our interventionist explained it. Clearly, he's never met my wife and didn't know what he was getting into.

My BIL started, followed by my SIL, then my MIL, and I was number 4. It didn't matter what anyone said to her, her eyes were locked onto me....I could only imagine the daggers behind those eyes. I explained that I didn't want a divorce, and I still don't. That I love her, but this drinking a bottle a day, every day, at all hours...coming and going as she pleases is dangerous, disrespectful, not normal behavior...and that she needs help. Her daughter opened up by revealing to us all (something I didn't know) that she was picking her up from work with open containers on numerous occasions.

Well, as you can imagine....no matter how calm and even we kept our voices, my wife flat out rejected the any possibilty that she was an alcoholic. And if she did drink...it was because of me. Yup...here we go.

It was amazing to hear how much she blocked out, forgot, denied and managed to redirect towards me. The whole family recognizes and points out to her that she never takes any responsibility for anything and as I guage the temperature of the room, I can slowly see (that although I have everyone's support) this is about to fail. I am not the cause of ALL of her problems, and in teh end, we all make our own personal decisions...I didn't pour any of these drinks down her throat.

Sure enough. She refused to go to treatment and actually walked out on us all....up to the neighbors I'm sure to bury me in slander. Yup...within minutes a text message from a female neighbor up the street direct to me said "I want nothing to do with you anymore." (*SIGH*)

Great, for sure I've lost a friend in a neighbor who knows nothing of our issues and my ongoing struggle. If that is one neighbors reaction, I can imagine there will be more...and for what reason? Because I want to save my marriage? Because I want my wife to be safe? To clear her own personal demons? After all the years I've helped bail her out financially, took my step-daughter in (not once, but twice), taken her places, always tried to help her....now I'm to be villified and flogged in public because I care and I'm in love.

The most irritating thing of the whole ordeal is yet again, my father in law, the grizzled Marine...just sat silent the whole time not wanting to step-up to his own daughter and allowed for the rest of us squirm and twist in the wind, especially me.

The interventionist, as nice as he was, could not seem to command my wife's attention at all (which I was afraid of) and she blew us all off...including her own mother who was now crying. In retrospect, I knew this was going to be a disaster from the start and sure as spit, somehow, I went along with it and just watched it fail before my eyes.

And get this....of all things, everyone agreed that now I should leave the house for the night!! What?? This is my house...the house I paid for without any money from my wife...from my own savings...with only my name on the title and loan documents....and I'm the one that has to leave?

The initial plan was for her to enter treatment, with the back up that if she refuses, we pack her a few bags and tell her to leave until she can sit down and talk. But instead, now I'm leaving again.....(double sigh)

Next: 1st night.

The end of a marriage, or a new beginning? (Part I)

I don't even know where to begin.

There's not enough prayers or words of encouragement right now that can help fill the gut wrenching, heart-breaking void that is my life.

It seems these past few days a steady diet of Xanax, Lexapro, water, sleepless nights, staring in the mirror, wailing tears, and wondering when/where/what went wrong has brought my marriage to the desolate wasteland that it now appears to be.

The family came together and had the intervention this past Sunday, but it's not the outcome I was hoping for, nor the way I would have started it. Even though my SIL/BIL only have the best of intentions, and really want to help me and my wife they tipped our hat about the "meeting" before I even knew the hour. Of course, my wife felt naturally betrayed by me and places 99% of the blame, vitriol, anger, and venom at my feet without even knowing how events were set in motion. Everyone explained to me that I should expect that, but unless you are in my shoes, with my heart, and my mind, I can't even begin to explain the level of hurt, frustration, pain, and emptiness I feel.

All the hugs, prayers, supportive words, and telling me I did the "right" thing, doesn't make any of this any easier to cope. They say it gets better with time, but I've never been big on cliches and the big looming question mark over my head and the state of where we stand.

It was a family decision to have an intervention, not just mine. And even then, I was wishy-washy, scared, feeling vulnerable, and not really 100% emotionally/mentally prepared. I really wanted to wait one more week, but the Interventionsist seemed to convince everyone else that 'now' was the time, not next week. I personally think it was a mistake that my BIL notified my wife via text message of a "family meeting" on her way to a concert and without telling me first. But he pulled the trigger, and events were set in motion.

My wife was on her way to a concert with her girlfriends. Imagine what the conversation was like that night. In an instant, I became public enemy #1 with her friends, and they don't even know my side of the story.

I was expecting to have a calm night at "my" house....watch a little TV, take a shower, make some dinner, go to bed. Instead, once my SIL informed me that my wife now knew, my heart sank and ice ran through my veins. Oh great, I need to get out of the house lest my wife come home late, inebriated, and start a fight with me.

I packed a change of clothes, grabbed a few toiletries, and my dog and left for my parents house. Sure enough, my phone started to receive not so nice text messages from my wife. I couldn't respond, lest I get sucked in deeper. I turned my phone off and spent the night at my parents...in tears and in fear of why, oh dear God, why am I being put through this?

My wife called my parents at 1:30am and demanded to speak with me. My mother, who answered said "No, he's sleeping and I'm not going to wake him." She called a a few more times and gave up, the whole time we thought she may drive down herself. Thank goodness she didn't.

I spent the remainder of my waking hours praying for strength and comfort and peace...sadly...not much was attained...the whole time I kept thinking "Well, this is it. The beginning of the end of my marriage of 8 years. I don't want a divorce, but for the life of me I can't see how this is going to end on a positive note. Why God? Why?"

Next: D-day

All quiet today

Not much to report today.

Met with a lawyer yesterday afternoon to check my options. The only good news that really came out of anything is that since my wife is broke, she wouldn't be able to put up much of a legal fight against me (not that I want that to begin with), and I'd most likely end up with the house.

Bad news is that I may have to pay upto 4 years spousal support in a step-down model, but that's in an extreme case.

More importantly is my dog. I know most people thinks that's crazy, but he is my puppy and my love (albeit he's six years old), and I would fight for him.

Even the lawyer suggested we use an interventionist and recomended that I also seek counsleing at Al-Anon. Probably a good idea, but I just don't have the time or energy right now. Maybe in the coming weeks.

My inlaws have offered to pay a portion of the intervnetion process, but an actual dollar amount has not been officially discussed. At least they are willing.

I took two calls from interventionists today. One seemed very nice, very reasonable, and was willing to work with my budget. I was imprssed by this because she said the ultimate goal was to get my wife help. The downside was she wouldn't be available until March 10th at the earliest.

The second one seemed to take a much more liberal approach and quite honestly I'm not sure I was buying what he was selling (plus he only had 4 years experience) and wanted to treat my wife with kids gloves. No, the whole family has been treating her with kid gloves for years, and she's steamrolled over us. He was ready to go to action this week, but I'm not ready and neither is my father in law. March 10th is two weeks away and I know that ticks my SIL off, so we'll have to negotiate.

We were going to possibly meet as a family today with an interventionist my SIL was going to set up, but since my SIL never contacted me today, I guess thats not happening.

More to come....

Slept last night

For whatever reason, today I feel 'strong'. Not that I can't crack at a moments notice, but today, for some unknown reason, I feel "okay".

Yesterday was a day of phone calls. Trying to find an affordable interventionsist, whose in the area, and meets my SIL/BIL requirements was a tad daunting. I've never had to do this before and it's overwhelming to say the least. It's even more overwheleming and frustrating when you are trying to coordinate phone calls and research with both inlaws and SIL/BIL and then waiting for them to reply with their $.02 and make everyone happy.

I know they mean well, but I am the one footing the bill, and I'm not sure they understand how emotional and stressful this is for me while I maintain my grip on sanity.

I prayed off and on most of the day yesterday, and after each call to a clinic it slowly began to sink into me that this isn't my fault, and that my wife has a problem she cannot control and that I and my daughter are the victims of this. It was also ecouranging to learn how many of these people believe in God, and two of the people I spoke with yesterday finished our calls with a prayer.

My SIL also told me she started a new bible study yesterday at her church and at the end she gave out my name and my wife's name for prayer request, so perhaps my strength today is coming from the Holy Spirit. I just hope I can maintain this strength for the coming days ahead of me.

I got a text message from a friend yesterday (beleive it or not a, recovering alcoholic himself) who met me after work to just talk to me. It was filled with my tears and pain, but that's what I needed right then....a physical shoulder to cry on and to vent and to listen. Human contact and interaction.....not via phone or email or text messages....but someone I could look in their eyes and who would look back at me. Thank you Lord.

Anyway, got home at 6:45pm, took a hot shower and my wife actually made me a pretty decent dinner (although having her Margarita while she made it). At 9:45 I could not keep my eyes open any longer and went to bed at 10pm. I was surprised that my wife came to bed as well just minutes later. She usually stays up until much later. No contact between us, but I fell right asleep and didn't get up until 6:30 this morning. Boy, I really needed that.

I told my wife goodbye, gave her a kiss (....yes, I did....) and left for work. My dad called again today on my way to work and I was glad. It's weird, but anotehr thing I am so thankful for....my dad and I have a closer relationship these days than we did when I was growing up. He told me he was concerned for my health and my mental well being....something that made me melt inside a bit...I haven't heard him say that for a long time. He says he's been praying for me hourly and knows that I am doing everything in my power, and if it fails, it's not my fault....my wife just doesn't want to change.

I took a Clonzapam with me today, just in case....but so far, I haven't had to take it. Here's to hoping that tonight will be just as calm on the home front and give me a bit to emotionally recharge and God willing, get another night of awesome sleep and remember to turn this whole thing over to God and put my trust in Him.

The last 60 hours.

It's 9am and I've already been on the phone with my father once this morning at 7:45...just wanting to hear his voice and his encouragement. He says he supports me 100%, has been praying daily for both me and my wife, but understands that the bandaid must be "ripped" off soon.

He recognizes that there only seems to be two outcomes: 1) My wife breaks down and gets professional help, or 2) My marriage is over.....but as he pointed out...the choice is really all hers. I've done everything I could have possibly done these last few months, giving her opportunity after opportunity, after opportunity to make her own choices and take her priorities seriously...and instead she has chosen to hit the bottle.

Friday night when I came home the neighbors invited me and my wife out for sushi. I was dead tired being up close to 40 hours straight at that point, but I agreed and dinner was okay. My wife surprised me by actually paying for my portion, but I did have to suffer one or two cheap shots from her at dinner. I noticed that everyone at our table drank water (5 of us) except my wife who had to have a half carafe of hot sake (she was No 6 BTW).

When we made it home, I took a hot shower and was in bed by 8:30pm, and slept all the way through until 6:15am Saturday morning when I rousted myself up for my men's support group at church.

My BIL/SIL called me Saturday afternoon as I was walking the dog and we had a 45 minute conversation. I was strong through most of it, gaining their total support, although I did get choked up one or twice. They requested that I get a professional counsler to the intervention as well (of course, at my expense) to help guide the day, make sure we all stay on track, and I suppose to also make sure cooler heads prevail. After some initial thoughts, I tended to agree, and now I'm tasked today (Monday) to find one and try to figure out schedules. Ugh...more pressure and more of this landing at my feet.

Later Saturday afternoon my neighbors (another set) and my wife an I went out for the afternoon, food tasting and bought goodies home for us all to continue in the backyard while I BBQ. It was the first time in weeks that I didn't think about our "situation", and the first time I felt some peace in days. While I will give my wife credit for being cordial and nice to me this weekend, there was no affection between us. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed, but she treated me more like her friend than a husband. A roommate, not a soul mate.

Sunday morning I went to church, then the gym, and when I came home I had a few minutes alone with my step-daughter. She told me that she had called her grandparents (my inlaws) and she said she explained to them that she thinks her mom does have a drinking issue, drinks 1-2 bottles a day, and has driven while under the influence on rare occasions. She also told them about their fight the previous week in which I had to intervene.

If anything right now I'm so proud of her and happy that even my step-daughter is standing up and taking notice and being honest with the family. I'm not in this alone, although I still feel I have the most to lose.

Later yesterday afternoon, yet a third neighbor asked me to hang out with him...to get him out of the house and he'd buy me lunch. He did, and I admit I had two beers....Then my wife texted me to say she got more BBQ stuff fro me to cook and told me to come home with him to make dinner for him and his wife. We did and it was fine, although no interaction between my wife and I except cordial conversation. Soon they left, and my wife and I watched "Once upon a time." on opposite ends of the couch. When it was over at 9pm I went to bed...we didn't say anything to each other.

At 3:30am this morning, I woke up, my spirit heavy...or was it stress? I prayed for a bit, fell back asleep, got up at 6:30 and got ready for work....and left. Yet another morning where I left without saying "Goodbye" or giving her a kiss on the forehead as I've done for years.

Right now....I feel...."even", although an hour ago I was uptight, scared, ansty, mad, and just overall frustrated with the situation. She has bowling tonight...yet another $50 night for her, someone who has no money and no job, but I'm okay with that. I need the peace and quiet for the coming storm that is rapidly approaching....

God, Lord....Father....Please give me strength to stay focused, be strong, be firm, yet be loving and at peace.

To intervene, or not to intervene (part 2)

Today is a bear.

I didn't sleep at all last night and now I'm cranky and irritable and feel like I'm bubbling under the surface.

I hate waiting.

I'm waiting for my SIL to cooridinate the next steps. She and my BIL are supposed to meet with my inlaws sometime later this afternoon, or early evening and I seem to be in an emotional holding pattern.

Last night, I was on the receiving end of yet another rehashed 1 hour and 15 minute venting from my wife. Of course most of it was directed to me and about me, but there was a sprinkling of her daughter, her 1st ex-husband, and random other participants that have somehow wronged her in a way in which she feels is why she is where she is now....miserable.

I sat and listened....quietly...I've heard it all before....multiple times. The tune doesn't change, just the day and the hour. Somewhere around 45 minutes into I half tuned out. I wasn't about to get mad, scream back, do something stupid that could be used against me. I just grinned and bared it and pretended this will all be over soon enough.

After 8 years of marriage I realize when it is absolutely pointless and fruitless for me to respond. Just best let her vent, and let herself repeat adnaseum...as if the first 10 times she yelled about something it didn't sink in or I didn't hear.

But somewhere last night (at least I say that now) I mentally hit both an emotional and mental wall of sorts, and realized that this is never going to change, not until she wants to change herself and get help. I'm done.

I have to worry about my own mental health, and state of being. I have to worry about being able to focus on my job, and be able to sleep and be healthy. I cannot do that with her random behaviors that everyone recognizes except herself.

Whereas yesterday I was scared of losing my wife, of admitting my marriage is over, thinking about divorce is a sin in God's eyes, and afraid of the eventual confrontation that somehow is destiny......now I just want the day to come where she makes her choice and I can move on.

I emailed my SIL this morning and said, "lets get this thing going"....if I have to wait anylonger I'm going to go mad. If she is going to chose not to get help, to be angry at me, and then leave...lets just rip the bandaid and let the healing begin. Next month I'm 42, and despite battling this depression and mental fatigue, I'm still a young and good looking guy, and maybe I can start over with someone this time in which I am equally-yoked.

I'll cut this one short here.....I have more to say, more to express, but I need to clear my head a bit and take a breather....

To intervene, or not to intervene. (Part I)

Anonymous asked me a question based on my last post wondering if I am stressed or relieved that my family (actually her side...they actually requested that my own parents do not participate) wishes to have an intervention with my wife regarding her drinking.



It's a complicated answer in which I've had very little time to digest the whole situation and feel that somehow this decision is out of my hands.


A bit of background first:

1. My wife had a terrible first marriage that did not end on good terms.


2. My wife can be emotionally stubborn and proud, and finds it very hard to admit her weaknesses, let alone when she is wrong or the ability to say 'sorry'.


3. Her relationship with her daughter is tenous at best.


4. You've probably realized (if you've been reading me for any amount of time), that our relationship is also tenous, at best. Some good days...some bad days.


5. My wife has been out of a job for 10 months now, and gave up looking about 3 months ago.


6. My wife does not regularly attend church, nor has a desire too.

There are other points as well, including the ones I bring to the table, but suffice to say I think whereas I can admit my demons, my shortcomings, my faults...my wife is in complete denial of her own. And now that she doesn't work, this has 'enabled' her to hit the bottle a bit more than normal as a form of 'escape', although I'm sure like most functional alcoholics, she will completely deny that.

As far as the intervention goes, yes, I'm both stressed and feeling releived at the same time. I just want it over so I can figure out on how to move on, one way or another.

However, it seems (not that I'm faulting her) that my SIL is full steam ahead on this and kinda took charge. We spoke the other day about my wifes Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde personality, and the next thing I knew (less than 24 hours later) was that her family wants to have an intervention, and soon.

My wife does indeed need help and needs to be confronted, but I can't help but feel this is all going to blow back on me and perceived by her as all my doing. In fact, I just wanted my SIL to talk to my wife about getting her butt in gear and start looking for a job since when I bring it up at home, it generally starts an argument.

I asked for the support of my SIL/BIL and inlaws to sit and talk with her in the coming weeks to see what her 'plan', if any, was. To 'strongly' encourage her to go back to school, or start looking for a job again. The drinking was mentioned and my SIL and MIL agreed that my wife has a drinking problem (so do I). My step-daughter asked for the intervention.

Wham-o.

I get a call saying we need to get together soon and I should rehab numbers ready. This is all a lot to digest while I am at work and can't actually talk to anyone.

To be continued.....

Drugs make me tired, or is it more?

Since I started yet another regime of mood stablizers, anti-anxiety medication, and cholesterol meds, I have been more tired than usual as of late.

But I wonder how much is due to the drugs, and how much is due to me just being emotionally tired.

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Some good days, some bad. There have been days of secret tears, and other days of public laughter. Though God requests us not worry about the future, I fully admit (as I have many times before) that this is an issue I struggle with. I give it up to the Lord, and eventually take it all back, wondering why my prayers aren't heard and what is this whole "in His time" thing mean?

Yesterday it rained and by the time I got home I was cold and a bit hungry. My wife who stayed home all day had made nothing, so I made myself a can of soup. We didn't speak much yesterday when I got home, and to be honest I was quite okay with that.

I went to bed at 9pm and tried to watch some TV but my eyes were heavy and by 9:45 I gave up. The next thing I knew it was 3:30 and my wife had grabbed her blanket and pillow and went downstairs. I imagine my snoring was keeping her from sleep and I have no idea what time she went to bed. Nor did I care. I fell back asleep at about 3:40 and was fine until 6:30 when she made her presence known by flopping back in our bed (I'm sure trying to wake me up and let me know she was frustrated from her lack of sleep...she's like that...I'm not).

I finally arose at 6:45am and had my two cups of coffee.

It is now 9am and I swear, I could go back to sleep right now. I know that the side effects of these drugs are drowsiness, and I can tell the Lexapro is starting to kick in. My thoughts are focused one minute, then a slight haze the next.

I did receive a text msg from my SIL yesterday afternoon. She said she was planning on talking to her mother sometime around or just after 4pm, but I haven't heard anything yet.

Tonight, my wife and I are still supposed to go out to dinner. At least she acknowledged that this morning as I left and reminded her we have reservations at 8pm. I'm attempting to salvage Valentine's Day, although I don't have much hope. Just need to make it through the next 80 hours or so until Sunday night.

I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm.

Slightly Empowered

Yeah, this is the second post of the day. Not exactly sure what this means other than I'm a bit antsy this afternoon.

Spoke to my sister-in-law today at length and she revealed some things to me about my wife and also believes that my wife in in need of both therapy and rehab. I'm not exactly sure why her family keeps dancing about around on eggshells regarding her drinking. Probably the same reason I do....she can be a BEAR when confronted about her drinking and no one wants to take her on by herself. The thing is, I at least admit it up front. I think they know it as well, but have a slightly harder time deciding who is going to take the first step, or any step for that matter.

Maybe it's the Lexapro talking right now, but after our talk, I had a little more confidence into taking matters into my own hands. That is to day, standing up for myself and putting myself first. Lord knows my wife doesn't. She makes sure she is first, as reiterated by my SIL.

When does one stop caring? For me it fluctuates. I'm honest to say right this second I feel brave, but ask me again in two hours or tomorrow, and I might be singing another tune.

We still have tentative plans for tomorrow evening and supposedly Saturday afternoon, so I just have to make it through the next 96 hours or so. Sunday can't get here soon enough, and I have to figure out what I/we are going to do.

I stare at the clock right now and I have 70 minutes left at work. Then I have a 30 minute commute after that. So in approx 100 I get to enter my domain of 'bliss' (*sarcasm).

Right now I just don't give a crap.

As my SIL just said "How can it get any worse?"

True dat.

When pain turns to anger

Straight up: I had a physical last week. New doctor. My vision is 20/15 (pretty good for 41). My blood pressure is still a bit elevated (stress I assume), and we had a talk about depression.

I'm on a new cycle of 20mg Lexapro. Also taking .25mg of Xanax for anxiety attacks when they happen----usually a discomfort in my chest, like a knot, with a little trouble of breathing and sometimes cotton mouth.

I've been getting a lot of support from my parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law, and my church. I am not getting any support from my wife....you know, the person who can do no wrong...ever.

Yesterday was Valentines day.

I bought my wife her favorite flowers: Tulips. I bought her two cards as well, one sweet, one a bit 'randy'. I also wrote her a note exclaiming that after 8 years I am indeed still in love with her.

None of these were acknowledges. In fact, I did not receive a card in return.

Last week she told me she loved me...twice.

Last night she accused me of hiding something on my computer. It turned out to be a IP address in my history that was password protected. When I showed her it was for our wireless router and gave her the password so she could check it out herself, I received no apology.

Another Valentines day ruined and in the trash.

To her it's about trust.

I broke her trust sometime back and have since apologized with all my heart at least 100 times if not more. Okay, I admit...during some lonely times I surfed some adult material on the web...and tried to cover it up...and got caught. I have learned my lesson and know this is not pleasing to God or my wife. She said she could forgive me for the indescretion, but not the cover up.

I understand that and have taken full responsibilty and have repented 100 times as well. I went as far as to come clean to my parents, my in-laws, my church, and my BIL/SIL. They have all forgiven me. Christ has forgiven.

My wife has not.

I understand that trust has been broken. That I brought this on myself. But I am human. I make stupid mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. She makes stupid mistakes...and I forgive her. I ask for forgiveness as much as I deal it out.

But this happened some time ago. And just last week, things were fine. So why yesterday, of all days, did all this have to be dredged up yet again...to be thrown in my face...again. To be reminded that her trust is broken and I'm not worthy.

I have spent weeks, months, years in tears for one reason or another....asking God to intervene in my marriage. And nothing. Nothing but my constant heartache, pain, unfocused days, and sleepless nights.

Last night I got angry. How long is long enough? How many times must I apologize for the past? 100? 1000? 10,000? I have been paying penance forever, and continue to do so. But last night I told her I was hiding nothing....and that was the truth...but she spent 45 minutes trying to uncover something that wasn't there to begin with. What happened to that love she claimed she had for me 1 week ago?

So today I'm angry. Not lose-it-out-of-control-anger, but anger that she will not get over this and she cannot forgive me. Her heart is hardened, like Pharoah.

I am reaching the end of my rope. I know I have said that before and last time I was so close to seeing a lawyer. I need a fresh start. A do-over. A person who can love me despite my faults and with teh ability to forgive and move on......not to constantly berate me and hit me over the head at random times and rehash the past so that no wounds will ever heal.

God...I scream..."Where are you?"

Questions of faith.

"Strive to trust ME in more and more areas of your life. Anything
that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running
away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have
hidden in the difficulties. If you beleive that I am sovereign over every
aspect of yoru life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don't
waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment -- accepting things esactly as they
are -- and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances." (Jesus
Calling by Sarah Young)

That's my problem God... No matter how much I try not to, I do waste energy regretting the way things ought to have been according to me. I know your plan isn't necessarily my plan, but you know my heart, and my heart aches. From an early age you blessed me with a great mind...a mind that could think outside the box. A creative mind with a great immagination. I had visions early on on what my life was going to be like: A happy marriage, A loving wife, beautiful kids.

Yet somewhere down the line, I must have blinked, because none of those visions came true. No...somewhere my thoughts went astray. I became plagued with self-doubt, confusion, queations of faith. The doctors said I am prone to depression, that my brain doesn't make enough of the chemicals it should be. Not enough seratonin or endorphins or whatever.

My wife once said I was 'broken' and I needed to be 'fixed'. At first I thought she was just saying things to say them in the heat of the moment, but now.....I'm not so sure. Maybe I am just this side of 'clinical'. Maybe I am indeed on the precipice of functional.

Lord, I literally cry out and weep to you. Give me strength. I don't care about the cliches of You will only give me as much as I can handle. Don't you get it God? I don't want to handle anymore. I want a break. I want some peace. I want to wake up and be joyful for this day you made....but I'm not.

I tried the Lexapro. I tried the Cimbalta. I tried therapy. I tried prayer. I tried to give it all to you, to lighten the load, but somewhere along the line I failed. I took it back, or maybe I never gave it to you to begin with. I don't even know anymore. It's all so hazy.

I made an appointment to see a Dr. this Friday morning. I need different medications, or a stronger dose. I'm depressed Lord....You know this to be true.

Why does the scripture "To die is to gain." keep echoing in my head. Satan, is that you? Are you really stalking me at every single corner, or is my mind becoming so feable in some aspects, I can't identify anylonger whose got their hands in what anymore?

When does my life become fun again?

Sleep Delerium

I'm super tired today.

You ever reach that point where you are so tired, you can't sleep, and your mind is quiet aware that your body is just going through the motions? That's how I feel right now.

Although I am on two cups of coffee and a crappy sausage breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box...my head feels a combination of 'high' and 'numb'.

I went to bed last night at about 9pm, and struggled to keep my eyes open while watching TV until about 10. Shortly after that I feel asleep..say 10:15 or so? Next thing I know it's 1:45am and from then I am up until sometime around 5am where I drift off again, just to wake up for work at 6. So, if I'm lucky I've got just about 4 hours sleep.

What does that mean? It means I'm a bit irritable today...i.e. grouchy.

Spiritual Attack

I'm human.

Plain and simple.

I have a lot of faults. Many of my own doing and design, others by circumstance, outside influence, or circumstances beyond my control. But God promises to always give one a way out. It's nice to know that in hindsight, and when thinking about the future, but most of us are ruled by the moment. When fall and stumble when we are at our weakest, and many times we don't even think about God....not at least until after the fact when we find ourselves in a pickle or begin to reap the consequences.

That's how I feel lately. I believe the Holy Spirit has been working on me for a long, long time, but I've been either ignoring it or fighting it, thinking I will have time in the future to make it all better and everything all right. Instead, I succumb to temptation and then become so self-convicting of myself it make me physically ill.

Today is day 10 (?) of my 20mg Lexapro cycle. I have a knot of stress behind my sternum that started Saturday night and ebbs and flows with the hours. I cried at church yesterday....I was (and still am) pretty emotional and filled with self-angst, indicating to me (or at least the way I am currently interpreting it) that the meds haven't kicked in yet. I don't feel balanced, and now I'm beginning to wonder if this time it isn't a brain/chemical thing, or a Spiritual warfare thing.

The last few weeks I've felt a calling from God, at least I think I am, and that's the last thing the Enemy wants....fro me to have joy and be in God's presence. So the Enemy is using his old tricks againts me in full force. He is telling me I am not worthy, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve a solid marriage, I don't deserve to be forgiven for my thoughts and desires.

It's an uphill battle, and he knows my weakest point is my heart and my mind. I am my own worst enemy, full of self-conviction. I know that if I repent and declare with my heart my faults and sins, that God will forgive me. That is His promise to us. So why can't I forgive myself? If He is master of everything and can do anything, including forgiveness, why do I have a hard time as a lowly person doing the same? Am I better than God? Do I not believe He cannot forgive me? Absolutely not!!! But the world throws things at me....cold shoulders, snide comments, accusations of self-worth, anger and negative emotions directed towards me that cloud my vision. And once my vision is clouded, I internally wrestle with myself and my thoughts. I proclaim I am not worthy even though God says we all ARE!

But where does this self-loathing come from if I am one with God? The Enemy, while ultimately defeated, is still strong today and wishes to attack me....us...to get our eye of the Lord. It seems the more I pary and the more I delve into the Word, the more opposition is thrown my way. The trials and tribulations don't relent and it is taxing. I was so emotionally and physcially drained yesterday I slept for at least 8 hours, and could have slept more.

God, please hear my cries out to you. Pick me up. Heal me. Heal my wife. Heal our marriage.

Upheavel

My life is currently upside down.

My marriage is once again under attack and has been for the past 11 days. It's not looking to good folks, and this time, it was me who screwed up.

Things had been going well for a bit now, and I stuck my foot in my mouth, made a mistake (one too many based on my past) and I can understand why my wife may have issues with trust with me.

I'm in the dog-house big time, and I don't think there's been a day gone by in the last 11 days where I haven't been crying or submitting to the Lord. I know He has forgiven me, as has my family (I have discussed this with them already...and it was humbling and embarassing to say the least).

That being said, my wife is keeping me at arms distance until after the Holidays. Although she is cordial towards me one minute, it can turn somewhat hostile the next in which I just need to sit and listen. That's tough.....to listen to the same accusations day in and day out. I know I screwed up...but to be reminded numerous times a day in spirit crushing.

My sleep and eating cycles have been disrupted, and even in the same room, I feel 100 miles away from her and it kills me.

I'm now on day 5 or 6 of a new Lexapro cycle to help me cope as well as some mild anxiety medication. The sleeping pills I take at night don't seem to help much.

Lord give me strength, and peace of mind, and rest my soul. Through you, even the most hardened hearts can soften. I am human, and I am not perfect. I will occassionally stumble, and thus try harder the next time. Why do these silly temptations get in my way time and time again?

I also need to learn to forgive myself.

Eyesight is going on me

The last few days, I have forgotten my eye-glasses at home.

And now that I don't have them with me, they are more missed than ever.

When did my reading ability get so hazy?  It's as if when I turned 40 years old, God flipped yet another switch within my body and has allowed for my once 20/15 eyes to get very tired and fuzzy.  The cruelty of it all is that: A) I love to read, and B) I started building models about a year or so back and my eyes are needed more than ever.

I'm really noticing my issues today as I got a new textbook to begin studying for an exam I wish to take in a few months on convergence technologies.  I cracked the book open today, and noted that my eyes are both very fatigued in feeling, and appropriate reading distance from my face....everything is becoming increasingly blurry.

It's a little disconcerting, to say the least.  At this rate, it'll be sooner rather than later, that I will need to wear reading glasses full time, or opt for surgery.  Just a Godly reminder that our bodies...our earthly temples...are not perfect, but finite, and as in all things in the circle of life...they too have begun to show their age and break down slowly with each passing day.

That's the irony of it all...a sick joke the universe plays out.  Musicians who lose their hearing, Master Chefs that lose their sense of smell, engineers who lose their dexterity, and those of us who read and observe the world through our eyes....begin to lose our sight.

8 year anniversary

Today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.

My wife is home asleep as she still is not having any luck finding a job, and I am having my coffee at my desk this morning loathing, yet thankful, for the job I do have. The stress of the last few months hasn't been as bad as I initially anticipated, but I'm not jumping up and down in glee either.

God has been good these last few weeks. I've been having a real internal struggle and self-conviction in regards to my thoughts, desires, lusts, and general frame of mind. I've been praying more often and breaking out the bible a bit more trying to find some comfort and peace in all this. Not just my home and financial life, but all the wacky things going on in the world as well.

One minute I do indeed find comfort, then next, I'm a bit nervous.

I have to keep reminding myself that salvation is done through grace, not by works, as I continously catch myself wondering if I could have done something better, or was I good enough today. How many times did I sin, and how many times did I recognize that and repent? And did I really mean my repentenance? I hope that I do.

Anyway, 8 years. Not all of them have been great. I'm sure my wife would say the same, as would any real couple that is honest with themselves.

I think back to "what if's", such as "What if I didn't get married?", "What if I chose to get a divorce?", "What if I married someone else?", "What if I did check out?" There have been a lot of tears, cries for justice, stretches of extreme loneliness, despair, anger, and sadness.

And God has gotten me through all that...thus far.

No, my life is far from perfect. I don't have the life I wanted. I don't have the child I dreamed of. I don't have the best job. I haven't been able to take my hobbies to the next level. I pray that my wife would be more of a companion.....but this is the 'lot' the Lord has planned out for me.

It could be worse.

I could be living in Libya, or Iraq, or Mexico I suppose. I could have a disease or some other ailement. Or worse,.... maybe I wouldn't know the Lord.

The point is...and it's a stretch (even for me)...that I have to recall that old cliche...."the grass isn't always greener on the other side". I need to be thankful for what I do have. And even though my marriage and my day to day life may seem dull, tired, going through the motions....I do love my wife...even if she has a different type of love for me I don't quite grasp.

Things between us have been better that last few weeks. And there is a lot of potential in her, and in us, and I continue to pray that God softens her heart and draws her closer to Him. I think when she is ready to submit to Him, and accept Him....perhaps our marriage will be what He initially intended.

Steve Jobs

It's been a few days now since the infamous Steve Jobs passed away, and I'll be honest, I don't give too much indepth thought to when certain celebrity personalities die, but somehow his death has had me in some deep thinking.

I'm always bummed out to a certain degree when a personality I tend to like or follow passes, but I don't dwell on it. If it was an artist or an actor/actress, I may go back and break out and watch an old movie or go through my record collection to hear some fondly remembered tunes. I may even read their wikipedia page to glean some interesting tid bit of information to satisfy my curiosity to one degree or another.

But Steve Jobs is different to me.

I don't own any Apple products at all. No iPhone, iPad, iPod, Mac or anything else. It's not that I have anything against Apple (other than the fact they are overpriced pieces of hardware). As a matter of fact, I think Apple (and Steve Jobs vision for that matter) made a huge impact on the world this past decade as far as technology goes. Let's face it...the hardware (overpriced as it is) is solid stuff. Idiot proof. Simplistic, yet functional design.

I will agree with some of the newspapers and media outlets that he was indeed a modern day Edison. An inventor with a drive and a vision. Yes, I'll agree that a world without his inventions would be a radically different place, and I'll miss anything future he may have had brewing in his brilliant mind.

But that's where it stops.

I'm actually really shocked and dumbstruck on how many people (at least in the states thus far) are mourning him like a god. Within minutes of his passing, many peopel I know on Facebook changed their profile pictures in rememberence of him. Twitter was aflood with "RIP" messages. Tributes began springing up almost instantaneously. People proclaimed we have lost an incredible mind, and incredible person, and they were downright distraught. In all seriousness, his death has garnered a legion of ordinary people thinking he was akin to being the messiah.

The fact I'm taking issue with, is just that: He isn't a god. He isn't a messiah. As a matter of fact, by all accounts I've read....he was an athiest, and somewhat vocal about it. Now, I have no clue where his mind or heart was at in the final moments. I'm not sure of us will truly know, but if I were a gambling man...I would wager he passed still as an athiest.

I'll even go further in saying that of all the condolences I've read or heard thus far on various media websites or outlets, I have yet to hear one person say "We know you are with God." -or- "Our prayers go to your family." -or- "God Bless."

Seriously, I have not heard one mention of God, prayer, Christ, heaven which strikes me very oddly.

That bums me out.

I'm not going to quote bible verses today, but you can probably guess where I think Steve may have ended up. And I'm not happy about that. I take no delight in anyone losing their soul to spend enternity absent of God's presence. Especially a mind as brilliant as his.

I even included the cartoon above which pokes fun of the pearly gates, as if Steve Jobs has more organizational skill than Peter or heaven itself. I found that very odd as well, because that cartoon popped up on the Internet within hours of the news of his passing. Maybe I'm being over-sensative on the matter.. What's done is done and no prayer today can change the mind or heart of the departed after the fact.

Catching up

Whoa, It's already been a month yet again since my last post. Boy, does time fly or what?

I had to read my last post to remember where I was some 40 days ago and it's weird to read that because it felt as if it triggered those emotions all over again. Does that make sense? As I read my last post, it was like time transported me back and I was living in that exact moment...kinda liek the movie "Groundhog's Day".

So, let's catch up....

Wife is still not working. It's somewhere between 5 and 6 months now and still no bites. I'm not exactly sure how many jobs or what types she is applying for, but nothing as of yet. I still have a grave suspicion she could be trying harder, or lower her expectations a tad, but pride is a silent but strong monster in her psyche. The few jobs that are 'available' to her, are 'beneath' her as she says....well, I don't know what to say at this point. She has made no effort to go back to school or learn a new trade....and I'm waiting for a new textbook to come in for myself because I will be taking another certificate course within the next few weeks as it applies to my trade and craft.

We still don't have health insurance, but at least my step-daughter has supposedly taken it upon herself with my wife's encouragement to get her own through her part time job. Yes, my daughter actually did get her old job back, albeit later than we all expected her too, and she still isn't working more than 25(?) hours a week? She did check out the community college in the area and even took an assesment test a few weeks back, but we still haven't heard any plans on her behalf. Perhaps she is waiting for next semester? I'll have to ask. She still isn't paying us any rent. I'll have to ask my wife why not and when we can expect it as well.

So my job? Well, truth be told....I took a personal day yesterday. I just needed it. It poured at my house all day, so I sat down and watched TV, played my Xbox, hit the gym, and was in bed by 10pm....and I slept in until 7am today. Felt good to get away from the office. I'm just really burnt out here now too after 4 years....not of my job....but of the insane politics and the inability of my managers to make a decision on anything that costs more than $5. Oh, I totally get that we are in an extended recession,....and it's tough to find a job,.....but my company also removed paper towels and hand sanitizers from the restrooms to cut costs, and now I hear they may be getting rid of the already shitty freeze-dried coffee to boot. Yes, I come to a place that is already demoralizing every day...plug through it 8 hours day...to come home to the same ole, same ole.

Rinse and repeat.

In other news, I began to volunteer for the Billy Graham crusade through my church. I've been praying on the sidelines for months now, if not longer.....I feel as if God wants to use me somewhere...perhaps as a lesson to my own beliefs, behaviors, and mental state. My sinful side has been making excuses as to why I shouldn't volunteer, but the urge has been strong lately. God is still working within me, allowing me to be self-convictive of myself. I know that salvation is not based on "works" but on faith and mercy from Christ, but I still have a feeling I need to be doing more to share His word and lead others...quite possibly even through my own pain and backstory.

I had to fill out a small questionnaire on their behalf stating as to how I know I am a Christian today, and what are my main beliefs (I imagine to make sure they coincide with that of the inspired word). I couldn't help but think back a few years ago to a point where self-termination was a recurring thought. I wonder, and hope I will be brave enough some day to share with my parents that I wanted to leave this mortal plane...and not by anything they did or didn't do. I don't blame them for my depression...meaning I don't think they were the cause. Although, looking back, perhaps they could have noticed a little earlier or intervened more at some point, but I'm not sure when. Yes, my mom is a control freak. I know she loves me 110%...but it's also very stifling and didn't allow me to grow socially the way I should have.

In some cases, one could say I deserve an Oscar, for my ability to "pretend" I was a functional member of society and that I could put on a good "game face" in social settings. Little did anyone know I could barely hold it together....that alcohol, Lexapro, anti-anxiety pills were in my arsenal of holding it together or pretending I was someone/somewhere else most of the time. How many times did I weep in my car? In the shower? On walks with my dog? How many times did I ask God....nay, beg....God to take me home? Man...depression sucks.

But let's not end this entry on a low note. I do feel better today....not perfect...not happy go-luck,....but better. And if I could lead at least one person to the Lord, or plant the seed, based on my own life and my own trials...I would find that very satisfying and fulfilling towards the Father.

Continuing Challenges

Damn it!

When will it end?

I'm a bit numb today. Probably an internal defense mechanism kicking, because deep down inside, my mind is probably telling my body "What's the point in crying?" Currently I am not taking any medication, but my mental state really does seem to mimic (at least today), the fact that I cannot seem to form any emotion....maybe mild agitation.

As usual, it seems like God has dumped me in the middle of everyone else's problems just to see how I am going to react or handle it. I can't say I'm at peace, or on the other side of the spectrum, mad. I'm just going through the motions of my stagnant life (& job for that matter) looking forward these day to just going home and going to bed. I wouldn't classify that as depression (at least not yet anyway)....it's just my daily routine because I don't have the means, money, or energy for anything else.

My wife is still not working. she's taken a few odd jobs with friends and neighbors paying a little cash under the table, but as far as a real job, with a real paycheck, and real benefits....nothing. She hasn't even gotten a bite in the past three months.

And because of a paperwork screwup from her formal company, we were dropped from healthcare coverage and my current company will not let me enroll until December. So right now, we are uninsured...so we can't get sick.

Oh, and my step-daughter moved back in. Her grand experiment in a different state didn't work out. And before she was to move back with us, my wife had made it clear that she was supposed to make sure at least my step-daughters job transfered back, and she assured us it was. Well, surprise, surprise....as goes everything apparently it wasn't and I just found out yesterday. I can't help but think that she already knew this ahead of time and just told my wife what she wanted to hear and then 'feigned' shock and ignorance when she moved back in.

So yes, I now have a 41 year old wife, and a 19 year old step daughter, both with only High School educations....unemployed...and living at my house....with no health insurance....and you wonder how I'm feeling?

Just f'n great.