Straight up: I had a physical last week. New doctor. My vision is 20/15 (pretty good for 41). My blood pressure is still a bit elevated (stress I assume), and we had a talk about depression.
I'm on a new cycle of 20mg Lexapro. Also taking .25mg of Xanax for anxiety attacks when they happen----usually a discomfort in my chest, like a knot, with a little trouble of breathing and sometimes cotton mouth.
I've been getting a lot of support from my parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law, and my church. I am not getting any support from my wife....you know, the person who can do no wrong...ever.
Yesterday was Valentines day.
I bought my wife her favorite flowers: Tulips. I bought her two cards as well, one sweet, one a bit 'randy'. I also wrote her a note exclaiming that after 8 years I am indeed still in love with her.
None of these were acknowledges. In fact, I did not receive a card in return.
Last week she told me she loved me...twice.
Last night she accused me of hiding something on my computer. It turned out to be a IP address in my history that was password protected. When I showed her it was for our wireless router and gave her the password so she could check it out herself, I received no apology.
Another Valentines day ruined and in the trash.
To her it's about trust.
I broke her trust sometime back and have since apologized with all my heart at least 100 times if not more. Okay, I admit...during some lonely times I surfed some adult material on the web...and tried to cover it up...and got caught. I have learned my lesson and know this is not pleasing to God or my wife. She said she could forgive me for the indescretion, but not the cover up.
I understand that and have taken full responsibilty and have repented 100 times as well. I went as far as to come clean to my parents, my in-laws, my church, and my BIL/SIL. They have all forgiven me. Christ has forgiven.
My wife has not.
I understand that trust has been broken. That I brought this on myself. But I am human. I make stupid mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. She makes stupid mistakes...and I forgive her. I ask for forgiveness as much as I deal it out.
But this happened some time ago. And just last week, things were fine. So why yesterday, of all days, did all this have to be dredged up yet again...to be thrown in my face...again. To be reminded that her trust is broken and I'm not worthy.
I have spent weeks, months, years in tears for one reason or another....asking God to intervene in my marriage. And nothing. Nothing but my constant heartache, pain, unfocused days, and sleepless nights.
Last night I got angry. How long is long enough? How many times must I apologize for the past? 100? 1000? 10,000? I have been paying penance forever, and continue to do so. But last night I told her I was hiding nothing....and that was the truth...but she spent 45 minutes trying to uncover something that wasn't there to begin with. What happened to that love she claimed she had for me 1 week ago?
So today I'm angry. Not lose-it-out-of-control-anger, but anger that she will not get over this and she cannot forgive me. Her heart is hardened, like Pharoah.
I am reaching the end of my rope. I know I have said that before and last time I was so close to seeing a lawyer. I need a fresh start. A do-over. A person who can love me despite my faults and with teh ability to forgive and move on......not to constantly berate me and hit me over the head at random times and rehash the past so that no wounds will ever heal.
God...I scream..."Where are you?"
February 15, 2012
February 07, 2012
Questions of faith.
"Strive to trust ME in more and more areas of your life. Anything
that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running
away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have
hidden in the difficulties. If you beleive that I am sovereign over every
aspect of yoru life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don't
waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment -- accepting things esactly as they
are -- and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances." (Jesus
Calling by Sarah Young)
That's my problem God... No matter how much I try not to, I do waste energy regretting the way things ought to have been according to me. I know your plan isn't necessarily my plan, but you know my heart, and my heart aches. From an early age you blessed me with a great mind...a mind that could think outside the box. A creative mind with a great immagination. I had visions early on on what my life was going to be like: A happy marriage, A loving wife, beautiful kids.
Yet somewhere down the line, I must have blinked, because none of those visions came true. No...somewhere my thoughts went astray. I became plagued with self-doubt, confusion, queations of faith. The doctors said I am prone to depression, that my brain doesn't make enough of the chemicals it should be. Not enough seratonin or endorphins or whatever.
My wife once said I was 'broken' and I needed to be 'fixed'. At first I thought she was just saying things to say them in the heat of the moment, but now.....I'm not so sure. Maybe I am just this side of 'clinical'. Maybe I am indeed on the precipice of functional.
Lord, I literally cry out and weep to you. Give me strength. I don't care about the cliches of You will only give me as much as I can handle. Don't you get it God? I don't want to handle anymore. I want a break. I want some peace. I want to wake up and be joyful for this day you made....but I'm not.
I tried the Lexapro. I tried the Cimbalta. I tried therapy. I tried prayer. I tried to give it all to you, to lighten the load, but somewhere along the line I failed. I took it back, or maybe I never gave it to you to begin with. I don't even know anymore. It's all so hazy.
I made an appointment to see a Dr. this Friday morning. I need different medications, or a stronger dose. I'm depressed Lord....You know this to be true.
Why does the scripture "To die is to gain." keep echoing in my head. Satan, is that you? Are you really stalking me at every single corner, or is my mind becoming so feable in some aspects, I can't identify anylonger whose got their hands in what anymore?
When does my life become fun again?
December 06, 2011
Sleep Delerium
I'm super tired today.
You ever reach that point where you are so tired, you can't sleep, and your mind is quiet aware that your body is just going through the motions? That's how I feel right now.
Although I am on two cups of coffee and a crappy sausage breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box...my head feels a combination of 'high' and 'numb'.
I went to bed last night at about 9pm, and struggled to keep my eyes open while watching TV until about 10. Shortly after that I feel asleep..say 10:15 or so? Next thing I know it's 1:45am and from then I am up until sometime around 5am where I drift off again, just to wake up for work at 6. So, if I'm lucky I've got just about 4 hours sleep.
What does that mean? It means I'm a bit irritable today...i.e. grouchy.
You ever reach that point where you are so tired, you can't sleep, and your mind is quiet aware that your body is just going through the motions? That's how I feel right now.
Although I am on two cups of coffee and a crappy sausage breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box...my head feels a combination of 'high' and 'numb'.
I went to bed last night at about 9pm, and struggled to keep my eyes open while watching TV until about 10. Shortly after that I feel asleep..say 10:15 or so? Next thing I know it's 1:45am and from then I am up until sometime around 5am where I drift off again, just to wake up for work at 6. So, if I'm lucky I've got just about 4 hours sleep.
What does that mean? It means I'm a bit irritable today...i.e. grouchy.
December 05, 2011
Spiritual Attack
I'm human.
Plain and simple.
I have a lot of faults. Many of my own doing and design, others by circumstance, outside influence, or circumstances beyond my control. But God promises to always give one a way out. It's nice to know that in hindsight, and when thinking about the future, but most of us are ruled by the moment. When fall and stumble when we are at our weakest, and many times we don't even think about God....not at least until after the fact when we find ourselves in a pickle or begin to reap the consequences.
That's how I feel lately. I believe the Holy Spirit has been working on me for a long, long time, but I've been either ignoring it or fighting it, thinking I will have time in the future to make it all better and everything all right. Instead, I succumb to temptation and then become so self-convicting of myself it make me physically ill.
Today is day 10 (?) of my 20mg Lexapro cycle. I have a knot of stress behind my sternum that started Saturday night and ebbs and flows with the hours. I cried at church yesterday....I was (and still am) pretty emotional and filled with self-angst, indicating to me (or at least the way I am currently interpreting it) that the meds haven't kicked in yet. I don't feel balanced, and now I'm beginning to wonder if this time it isn't a brain/chemical thing, or a Spiritual warfare thing.
The last few weeks I've felt a calling from God, at least I think I am, and that's the last thing the Enemy wants....fro me to have joy and be in God's presence. So the Enemy is using his old tricks againts me in full force. He is telling me I am not worthy, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve a solid marriage, I don't deserve to be forgiven for my thoughts and desires.
It's an uphill battle, and he knows my weakest point is my heart and my mind. I am my own worst enemy, full of self-conviction. I know that if I repent and declare with my heart my faults and sins, that God will forgive me. That is His promise to us. So why can't I forgive myself? If He is master of everything and can do anything, including forgiveness, why do I have a hard time as a lowly person doing the same? Am I better than God? Do I not believe He cannot forgive me? Absolutely not!!! But the world throws things at me....cold shoulders, snide comments, accusations of self-worth, anger and negative emotions directed towards me that cloud my vision. And once my vision is clouded, I internally wrestle with myself and my thoughts. I proclaim I am not worthy even though God says we all ARE!
But where does this self-loathing come from if I am one with God? The Enemy, while ultimately defeated, is still strong today and wishes to attack me....us...to get our eye of the Lord. It seems the more I pary and the more I delve into the Word, the more opposition is thrown my way. The trials and tribulations don't relent and it is taxing. I was so emotionally and physcially drained yesterday I slept for at least 8 hours, and could have slept more.
God, please hear my cries out to you. Pick me up. Heal me. Heal my wife. Heal our marriage.
Plain and simple.
I have a lot of faults. Many of my own doing and design, others by circumstance, outside influence, or circumstances beyond my control. But God promises to always give one a way out. It's nice to know that in hindsight, and when thinking about the future, but most of us are ruled by the moment. When fall and stumble when we are at our weakest, and many times we don't even think about God....not at least until after the fact when we find ourselves in a pickle or begin to reap the consequences.
That's how I feel lately. I believe the Holy Spirit has been working on me for a long, long time, but I've been either ignoring it or fighting it, thinking I will have time in the future to make it all better and everything all right. Instead, I succumb to temptation and then become so self-convicting of myself it make me physically ill.
Today is day 10 (?) of my 20mg Lexapro cycle. I have a knot of stress behind my sternum that started Saturday night and ebbs and flows with the hours. I cried at church yesterday....I was (and still am) pretty emotional and filled with self-angst, indicating to me (or at least the way I am currently interpreting it) that the meds haven't kicked in yet. I don't feel balanced, and now I'm beginning to wonder if this time it isn't a brain/chemical thing, or a Spiritual warfare thing.
The last few weeks I've felt a calling from God, at least I think I am, and that's the last thing the Enemy wants....fro me to have joy and be in God's presence. So the Enemy is using his old tricks againts me in full force. He is telling me I am not worthy, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve a solid marriage, I don't deserve to be forgiven for my thoughts and desires.
It's an uphill battle, and he knows my weakest point is my heart and my mind. I am my own worst enemy, full of self-conviction. I know that if I repent and declare with my heart my faults and sins, that God will forgive me. That is His promise to us. So why can't I forgive myself? If He is master of everything and can do anything, including forgiveness, why do I have a hard time as a lowly person doing the same? Am I better than God? Do I not believe He cannot forgive me? Absolutely not!!! But the world throws things at me....cold shoulders, snide comments, accusations of self-worth, anger and negative emotions directed towards me that cloud my vision. And once my vision is clouded, I internally wrestle with myself and my thoughts. I proclaim I am not worthy even though God says we all ARE!
But where does this self-loathing come from if I am one with God? The Enemy, while ultimately defeated, is still strong today and wishes to attack me....us...to get our eye of the Lord. It seems the more I pary and the more I delve into the Word, the more opposition is thrown my way. The trials and tribulations don't relent and it is taxing. I was so emotionally and physcially drained yesterday I slept for at least 8 hours, and could have slept more.
God, please hear my cries out to you. Pick me up. Heal me. Heal my wife. Heal our marriage.
November 29, 2011
Upheavel
My life is currently upside down.
My marriage is once again under attack and has been for the past 11 days. It's not looking to good folks, and this time, it was me who screwed up.
Things had been going well for a bit now, and I stuck my foot in my mouth, made a mistake (one too many based on my past) and I can understand why my wife may have issues with trust with me.
I'm in the dog-house big time, and I don't think there's been a day gone by in the last 11 days where I haven't been crying or submitting to the Lord. I know He has forgiven me, as has my family (I have discussed this with them already...and it was humbling and embarassing to say the least).
That being said, my wife is keeping me at arms distance until after the Holidays. Although she is cordial towards me one minute, it can turn somewhat hostile the next in which I just need to sit and listen. That's tough.....to listen to the same accusations day in and day out. I know I screwed up...but to be reminded numerous times a day in spirit crushing.
My sleep and eating cycles have been disrupted, and even in the same room, I feel 100 miles away from her and it kills me.
I'm now on day 5 or 6 of a new Lexapro cycle to help me cope as well as some mild anxiety medication. The sleeping pills I take at night don't seem to help much.
Lord give me strength, and peace of mind, and rest my soul. Through you, even the most hardened hearts can soften. I am human, and I am not perfect. I will occassionally stumble, and thus try harder the next time. Why do these silly temptations get in my way time and time again?
I also need to learn to forgive myself.
My marriage is once again under attack and has been for the past 11 days. It's not looking to good folks, and this time, it was me who screwed up.
Things had been going well for a bit now, and I stuck my foot in my mouth, made a mistake (one too many based on my past) and I can understand why my wife may have issues with trust with me.
I'm in the dog-house big time, and I don't think there's been a day gone by in the last 11 days where I haven't been crying or submitting to the Lord. I know He has forgiven me, as has my family (I have discussed this with them already...and it was humbling and embarassing to say the least).
That being said, my wife is keeping me at arms distance until after the Holidays. Although she is cordial towards me one minute, it can turn somewhat hostile the next in which I just need to sit and listen. That's tough.....to listen to the same accusations day in and day out. I know I screwed up...but to be reminded numerous times a day in spirit crushing.
My sleep and eating cycles have been disrupted, and even in the same room, I feel 100 miles away from her and it kills me.
I'm now on day 5 or 6 of a new Lexapro cycle to help me cope as well as some mild anxiety medication. The sleeping pills I take at night don't seem to help much.
Lord give me strength, and peace of mind, and rest my soul. Through you, even the most hardened hearts can soften. I am human, and I am not perfect. I will occassionally stumble, and thus try harder the next time. Why do these silly temptations get in my way time and time again?
I also need to learn to forgive myself.
November 08, 2011
Eyesight is going on me
The last few days, I have forgotten my eye-glasses at home.
And now that I don't have them with me, they are more missed than ever.
When did my reading ability get so hazy? It's as if when I turned 40 years old, God flipped yet another switch within my body and has allowed for my once 20/15 eyes to get very tired and fuzzy. The cruelty of it all is that: A) I love to read, and B) I started building models about a year or so back and my eyes are needed more than ever.
I'm really noticing my issues today as I got a new textbook to begin studying for an exam I wish to take in a few months on convergence technologies. I cracked the book open today, and noted that my eyes are both very fatigued in feeling, and appropriate reading distance from my face....everything is becoming increasingly blurry.
It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. At this rate, it'll be sooner rather than later, that I will need to wear reading glasses full time, or opt for surgery. Just a Godly reminder that our bodies...our earthly temples...are not perfect, but finite, and as in all things in the circle of life...they too have begun to show their age and break down slowly with each passing day.
That's the irony of it all...a sick joke the universe plays out. Musicians who lose their hearing, Master Chefs that lose their sense of smell, engineers who lose their dexterity, and those of us who read and observe the world through our eyes....begin to lose our sight.
And now that I don't have them with me, they are more missed than ever.
When did my reading ability get so hazy? It's as if when I turned 40 years old, God flipped yet another switch within my body and has allowed for my once 20/15 eyes to get very tired and fuzzy. The cruelty of it all is that: A) I love to read, and B) I started building models about a year or so back and my eyes are needed more than ever.
I'm really noticing my issues today as I got a new textbook to begin studying for an exam I wish to take in a few months on convergence technologies. I cracked the book open today, and noted that my eyes are both very fatigued in feeling, and appropriate reading distance from my face....everything is becoming increasingly blurry.
It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. At this rate, it'll be sooner rather than later, that I will need to wear reading glasses full time, or opt for surgery. Just a Godly reminder that our bodies...our earthly temples...are not perfect, but finite, and as in all things in the circle of life...they too have begun to show their age and break down slowly with each passing day.
That's the irony of it all...a sick joke the universe plays out. Musicians who lose their hearing, Master Chefs that lose their sense of smell, engineers who lose their dexterity, and those of us who read and observe the world through our eyes....begin to lose our sight.
October 25, 2011
8 year anniversary
Today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.
My wife is home asleep as she still is not having any luck finding a job, and I am having my coffee at my desk this morning loathing, yet thankful, for the job I do have. The stress of the last few months hasn't been as bad as I initially anticipated, but I'm not jumping up and down in glee either.
God has been good these last few weeks. I've been having a real internal struggle and self-conviction in regards to my thoughts, desires, lusts, and general frame of mind. I've been praying more often and breaking out the bible a bit more trying to find some comfort and peace in all this. Not just my home and financial life, but all the wacky things going on in the world as well.
One minute I do indeed find comfort, then next, I'm a bit nervous.
I have to keep reminding myself that salvation is done through grace, not by works, as I continously catch myself wondering if I could have done something better, or was I good enough today. How many times did I sin, and how many times did I recognize that and repent? And did I really mean my repentenance? I hope that I do.
Anyway, 8 years. Not all of them have been great. I'm sure my wife would say the same, as would any real couple that is honest with themselves.
I think back to "what if's", such as "What if I didn't get married?", "What if I chose to get a divorce?", "What if I married someone else?", "What if I did check out?" There have been a lot of tears, cries for justice, stretches of extreme loneliness, despair, anger, and sadness.
And God has gotten me through all that...thus far.
No, my life is far from perfect. I don't have the life I wanted. I don't have the child I dreamed of. I don't have the best job. I haven't been able to take my hobbies to the next level. I pray that my wife would be more of a companion.....but this is the 'lot' the Lord has planned out for me.
It could be worse.
I could be living in Libya, or Iraq, or Mexico I suppose. I could have a disease or some other ailement. Or worse,.... maybe I wouldn't know the Lord.
The point is...and it's a stretch (even for me)...that I have to recall that old cliche...."the grass isn't always greener on the other side". I need to be thankful for what I do have. And even though my marriage and my day to day life may seem dull, tired, going through the motions....I do love my wife...even if she has a different type of love for me I don't quite grasp.
Things between us have been better that last few weeks. And there is a lot of potential in her, and in us, and I continue to pray that God softens her heart and draws her closer to Him. I think when she is ready to submit to Him, and accept Him....perhaps our marriage will be what He initially intended.
My wife is home asleep as she still is not having any luck finding a job, and I am having my coffee at my desk this morning loathing, yet thankful, for the job I do have. The stress of the last few months hasn't been as bad as I initially anticipated, but I'm not jumping up and down in glee either.
God has been good these last few weeks. I've been having a real internal struggle and self-conviction in regards to my thoughts, desires, lusts, and general frame of mind. I've been praying more often and breaking out the bible a bit more trying to find some comfort and peace in all this. Not just my home and financial life, but all the wacky things going on in the world as well.
One minute I do indeed find comfort, then next, I'm a bit nervous.
I have to keep reminding myself that salvation is done through grace, not by works, as I continously catch myself wondering if I could have done something better, or was I good enough today. How many times did I sin, and how many times did I recognize that and repent? And did I really mean my repentenance? I hope that I do.
Anyway, 8 years. Not all of them have been great. I'm sure my wife would say the same, as would any real couple that is honest with themselves.
I think back to "what if's", such as "What if I didn't get married?", "What if I chose to get a divorce?", "What if I married someone else?", "What if I did check out?" There have been a lot of tears, cries for justice, stretches of extreme loneliness, despair, anger, and sadness.
And God has gotten me through all that...thus far.
No, my life is far from perfect. I don't have the life I wanted. I don't have the child I dreamed of. I don't have the best job. I haven't been able to take my hobbies to the next level. I pray that my wife would be more of a companion.....but this is the 'lot' the Lord has planned out for me.
It could be worse.
I could be living in Libya, or Iraq, or Mexico I suppose. I could have a disease or some other ailement. Or worse,.... maybe I wouldn't know the Lord.
The point is...and it's a stretch (even for me)...that I have to recall that old cliche...."the grass isn't always greener on the other side". I need to be thankful for what I do have. And even though my marriage and my day to day life may seem dull, tired, going through the motions....I do love my wife...even if she has a different type of love for me I don't quite grasp.
Things between us have been better that last few weeks. And there is a lot of potential in her, and in us, and I continue to pray that God softens her heart and draws her closer to Him. I think when she is ready to submit to Him, and accept Him....perhaps our marriage will be what He initially intended.
October 07, 2011
Steve Jobs
It's been a few days now since the infamous Steve Jobs passed away, and I'll be honest, I don't give too much indepth thought to when certain celebrity personalities die, but somehow his death has had me in some deep thinking.
I'm always bummed out to a certain degree when a personality I tend to like or follow passes, but I don't dwell on it. If it was an artist or an actor/actress, I may go back and break out and watch an old movie or go through my record collection to hear some fondly remembered tunes. I may even read their wikipedia page to glean some interesting tid bit of information to satisfy my curiosity to one degree or another.
But Steve Jobs is different to me.
I don't own any Apple products at all. No iPhone, iPad, iPod, Mac or anything else. It's not that I have anything against Apple (other than the fact they are overpriced pieces of hardware). As a matter of fact, I think Apple (and Steve Jobs vision for that matter) made a huge impact on the world this past decade as far as technology goes. Let's face it...the hardware (overpriced as it is) is solid stuff. Idiot proof. Simplistic, yet functional design.
I will agree with some of the newspapers and media outlets that he was indeed a modern day Edison. An inventor with a drive and a vision. Yes, I'll agree that a world without his inventions would be a radically different place, and I'll miss anything future he may have had brewing in his brilliant mind.
But that's where it stops.
I'm actually really shocked and dumbstruck on how many people (at least in the states thus far) are mourning him like a god. Within minutes of his passing, many peopel I know on Facebook changed their profile pictures in rememberence of him. Twitter was aflood with "RIP" messages. Tributes began springing up almost instantaneously. People proclaimed we have lost an incredible mind, and incredible person, and they were downright distraught. In all seriousness, his death has garnered a legion of ordinary people thinking he was akin to being the messiah.
The fact I'm taking issue with, is just that: He isn't a god. He isn't a messiah. As a matter of fact, by all accounts I've read....he was an athiest, and somewhat vocal about it. Now, I have no clue where his mind or heart was at in the final moments. I'm not sure of us will truly know, but if I were a gambling man...I would wager he passed still as an athiest.
I'll even go further in saying that of all the condolences I've read or heard thus far on various media websites or outlets, I have yet to hear one person say "We know you are with God." -or- "Our prayers go to your family." -or- "God Bless."
Seriously, I have not heard one mention of God, prayer, Christ, heaven which strikes me very oddly.
That bums me out.
I'm not going to quote bible verses today, but you can probably guess where I think Steve may have ended up. And I'm not happy about that. I take no delight in anyone losing their soul to spend enternity absent of God's presence. Especially a mind as brilliant as his.
I even included the cartoon above which pokes fun of the pearly gates, as if Steve Jobs has more organizational skill than Peter or heaven itself. I found that very odd as well, because that cartoon popped up on the Internet within hours of the news of his passing. Maybe I'm being over-sensative on the matter.. What's done is done and no prayer today can change the mind or heart of the departed after the fact.
October 06, 2011
Catching up
Whoa, It's already been a month yet again since my last post. Boy, does time fly or what?
I had to read my last post to remember where I was some 40 days ago and it's weird to read that because it felt as if it triggered those emotions all over again. Does that make sense? As I read my last post, it was like time transported me back and I was living in that exact moment...kinda liek the movie "Groundhog's Day".
So, let's catch up....
Wife is still not working. It's somewhere between 5 and 6 months now and still no bites. I'm not exactly sure how many jobs or what types she is applying for, but nothing as of yet. I still have a grave suspicion she could be trying harder, or lower her expectations a tad, but pride is a silent but strong monster in her psyche. The few jobs that are 'available' to her, are 'beneath' her as she says....well, I don't know what to say at this point. She has made no effort to go back to school or learn a new trade....and I'm waiting for a new textbook to come in for myself because I will be taking another certificate course within the next few weeks as it applies to my trade and craft.
We still don't have health insurance, but at least my step-daughter has supposedly taken it upon herself with my wife's encouragement to get her own through her part time job. Yes, my daughter actually did get her old job back, albeit later than we all expected her too, and she still isn't working more than 25(?) hours a week? She did check out the community college in the area and even took an assesment test a few weeks back, but we still haven't heard any plans on her behalf. Perhaps she is waiting for next semester? I'll have to ask. She still isn't paying us any rent. I'll have to ask my wife why not and when we can expect it as well.
So my job? Well, truth be told....I took a personal day yesterday. I just needed it. It poured at my house all day, so I sat down and watched TV, played my Xbox, hit the gym, and was in bed by 10pm....and I slept in until 7am today. Felt good to get away from the office. I'm just really burnt out here now too after 4 years....not of my job....but of the insane politics and the inability of my managers to make a decision on anything that costs more than $5. Oh, I totally get that we are in an extended recession,....and it's tough to find a job,.....but my company also removed paper towels and hand sanitizers from the restrooms to cut costs, and now I hear they may be getting rid of the already shitty freeze-dried coffee to boot. Yes, I come to a place that is already demoralizing every day...plug through it 8 hours day...to come home to the same ole, same ole.
Rinse and repeat.
In other news, I began to volunteer for the Billy Graham crusade through my church. I've been praying on the sidelines for months now, if not longer.....I feel as if God wants to use me somewhere...perhaps as a lesson to my own beliefs, behaviors, and mental state. My sinful side has been making excuses as to why I shouldn't volunteer, but the urge has been strong lately. God is still working within me, allowing me to be self-convictive of myself. I know that salvation is not based on "works" but on faith and mercy from Christ, but I still have a feeling I need to be doing more to share His word and lead others...quite possibly even through my own pain and backstory.
I had to fill out a small questionnaire on their behalf stating as to how I know I am a Christian today, and what are my main beliefs (I imagine to make sure they coincide with that of the inspired word). I couldn't help but think back a few years ago to a point where self-termination was a recurring thought. I wonder, and hope I will be brave enough some day to share with my parents that I wanted to leave this mortal plane...and not by anything they did or didn't do. I don't blame them for my depression...meaning I don't think they were the cause. Although, looking back, perhaps they could have noticed a little earlier or intervened more at some point, but I'm not sure when. Yes, my mom is a control freak. I know she loves me 110%...but it's also very stifling and didn't allow me to grow socially the way I should have.
In some cases, one could say I deserve an Oscar, for my ability to "pretend" I was a functional member of society and that I could put on a good "game face" in social settings. Little did anyone know I could barely hold it together....that alcohol, Lexapro, anti-anxiety pills were in my arsenal of holding it together or pretending I was someone/somewhere else most of the time. How many times did I weep in my car? In the shower? On walks with my dog? How many times did I ask God....nay, beg....God to take me home? Man...depression sucks.
But let's not end this entry on a low note. I do feel better today....not perfect...not happy go-luck,....but better. And if I could lead at least one person to the Lord, or plant the seed, based on my own life and my own trials...I would find that very satisfying and fulfilling towards the Father.
I had to read my last post to remember where I was some 40 days ago and it's weird to read that because it felt as if it triggered those emotions all over again. Does that make sense? As I read my last post, it was like time transported me back and I was living in that exact moment...kinda liek the movie "Groundhog's Day".
So, let's catch up....
Wife is still not working. It's somewhere between 5 and 6 months now and still no bites. I'm not exactly sure how many jobs or what types she is applying for, but nothing as of yet. I still have a grave suspicion she could be trying harder, or lower her expectations a tad, but pride is a silent but strong monster in her psyche. The few jobs that are 'available' to her, are 'beneath' her as she says....well, I don't know what to say at this point. She has made no effort to go back to school or learn a new trade....and I'm waiting for a new textbook to come in for myself because I will be taking another certificate course within the next few weeks as it applies to my trade and craft.
We still don't have health insurance, but at least my step-daughter has supposedly taken it upon herself with my wife's encouragement to get her own through her part time job. Yes, my daughter actually did get her old job back, albeit later than we all expected her too, and she still isn't working more than 25(?) hours a week? She did check out the community college in the area and even took an assesment test a few weeks back, but we still haven't heard any plans on her behalf. Perhaps she is waiting for next semester? I'll have to ask. She still isn't paying us any rent. I'll have to ask my wife why not and when we can expect it as well.
So my job? Well, truth be told....I took a personal day yesterday. I just needed it. It poured at my house all day, so I sat down and watched TV, played my Xbox, hit the gym, and was in bed by 10pm....and I slept in until 7am today. Felt good to get away from the office. I'm just really burnt out here now too after 4 years....not of my job....but of the insane politics and the inability of my managers to make a decision on anything that costs more than $5. Oh, I totally get that we are in an extended recession,....and it's tough to find a job,.....but my company also removed paper towels and hand sanitizers from the restrooms to cut costs, and now I hear they may be getting rid of the already shitty freeze-dried coffee to boot. Yes, I come to a place that is already demoralizing every day...plug through it 8 hours day...to come home to the same ole, same ole.
Rinse and repeat.
In other news, I began to volunteer for the Billy Graham crusade through my church. I've been praying on the sidelines for months now, if not longer.....I feel as if God wants to use me somewhere...perhaps as a lesson to my own beliefs, behaviors, and mental state. My sinful side has been making excuses as to why I shouldn't volunteer, but the urge has been strong lately. God is still working within me, allowing me to be self-convictive of myself. I know that salvation is not based on "works" but on faith and mercy from Christ, but I still have a feeling I need to be doing more to share His word and lead others...quite possibly even through my own pain and backstory.
I had to fill out a small questionnaire on their behalf stating as to how I know I am a Christian today, and what are my main beliefs (I imagine to make sure they coincide with that of the inspired word). I couldn't help but think back a few years ago to a point where self-termination was a recurring thought. I wonder, and hope I will be brave enough some day to share with my parents that I wanted to leave this mortal plane...and not by anything they did or didn't do. I don't blame them for my depression...meaning I don't think they were the cause. Although, looking back, perhaps they could have noticed a little earlier or intervened more at some point, but I'm not sure when. Yes, my mom is a control freak. I know she loves me 110%...but it's also very stifling and didn't allow me to grow socially the way I should have.
In some cases, one could say I deserve an Oscar, for my ability to "pretend" I was a functional member of society and that I could put on a good "game face" in social settings. Little did anyone know I could barely hold it together....that alcohol, Lexapro, anti-anxiety pills were in my arsenal of holding it together or pretending I was someone/somewhere else most of the time. How many times did I weep in my car? In the shower? On walks with my dog? How many times did I ask God....nay, beg....God to take me home? Man...depression sucks.
But let's not end this entry on a low note. I do feel better today....not perfect...not happy go-luck,....but better. And if I could lead at least one person to the Lord, or plant the seed, based on my own life and my own trials...I would find that very satisfying and fulfilling towards the Father.
August 25, 2011
Continuing Challenges
Damn it!
When will it end?
I'm a bit numb today. Probably an internal defense mechanism kicking, because deep down inside, my mind is probably telling my body "What's the point in crying?" Currently I am not taking any medication, but my mental state really does seem to mimic (at least today), the fact that I cannot seem to form any emotion....maybe mild agitation.
As usual, it seems like God has dumped me in the middle of everyone else's problems just to see how I am going to react or handle it. I can't say I'm at peace, or on the other side of the spectrum, mad. I'm just going through the motions of my stagnant life (& job for that matter) looking forward these day to just going home and going to bed. I wouldn't classify that as depression (at least not yet anyway)....it's just my daily routine because I don't have the means, money, or energy for anything else.
My wife is still not working. she's taken a few odd jobs with friends and neighbors paying a little cash under the table, but as far as a real job, with a real paycheck, and real benefits....nothing. She hasn't even gotten a bite in the past three months.
And because of a paperwork screwup from her formal company, we were dropped from healthcare coverage and my current company will not let me enroll until December. So right now, we are uninsured...so we can't get sick.
Oh, and my step-daughter moved back in. Her grand experiment in a different state didn't work out. And before she was to move back with us, my wife had made it clear that she was supposed to make sure at least my step-daughters job transfered back, and she assured us it was. Well, surprise, surprise....as goes everything apparently it wasn't and I just found out yesterday. I can't help but think that she already knew this ahead of time and just told my wife what she wanted to hear and then 'feigned' shock and ignorance when she moved back in.
So yes, I now have a 41 year old wife, and a 19 year old step daughter, both with only High School educations....unemployed...and living at my house....with no health insurance....and you wonder how I'm feeling?
Just f'n great.
When will it end?
I'm a bit numb today. Probably an internal defense mechanism kicking, because deep down inside, my mind is probably telling my body "What's the point in crying?" Currently I am not taking any medication, but my mental state really does seem to mimic (at least today), the fact that I cannot seem to form any emotion....maybe mild agitation.
As usual, it seems like God has dumped me in the middle of everyone else's problems just to see how I am going to react or handle it. I can't say I'm at peace, or on the other side of the spectrum, mad. I'm just going through the motions of my stagnant life (& job for that matter) looking forward these day to just going home and going to bed. I wouldn't classify that as depression (at least not yet anyway)....it's just my daily routine because I don't have the means, money, or energy for anything else.
My wife is still not working. she's taken a few odd jobs with friends and neighbors paying a little cash under the table, but as far as a real job, with a real paycheck, and real benefits....nothing. She hasn't even gotten a bite in the past three months.
And because of a paperwork screwup from her formal company, we were dropped from healthcare coverage and my current company will not let me enroll until December. So right now, we are uninsured...so we can't get sick.
Oh, and my step-daughter moved back in. Her grand experiment in a different state didn't work out. And before she was to move back with us, my wife had made it clear that she was supposed to make sure at least my step-daughters job transfered back, and she assured us it was. Well, surprise, surprise....as goes everything apparently it wasn't and I just found out yesterday. I can't help but think that she already knew this ahead of time and just told my wife what she wanted to hear and then 'feigned' shock and ignorance when she moved back in.
So yes, I now have a 41 year old wife, and a 19 year old step daughter, both with only High School educations....unemployed...and living at my house....with no health insurance....and you wonder how I'm feeling?
Just f'n great.
July 27, 2011
RIP Dan Peek
I just read that Dan Peek, one of the founding members of a band called "America" passed away last Sunday. He was 60 years old.
America is one of my favorite bands, and thier greatest hits album is one of my top 10 treasured albums I own. I don't usually care for classic 70's rock, but this album just resonates with me. I'm bummed I never got to see him live myself. I had an opportunity some years back, but just went. So bummed now.
What I didn't know was that Dan was a Christian, and a vocal one in his years after he left the band.
This is a 6 minute video on his testimony. Living the Rock n Roll lifestyle, turning away from God, and then coming back like the prodigal son years later.
America is one of my favorite bands, and thier greatest hits album is one of my top 10 treasured albums I own. I don't usually care for classic 70's rock, but this album just resonates with me. I'm bummed I never got to see him live myself. I had an opportunity some years back, but just went. So bummed now.
What I didn't know was that Dan was a Christian, and a vocal one in his years after he left the band.
This is a 6 minute video on his testimony. Living the Rock n Roll lifestyle, turning away from God, and then coming back like the prodigal son years later.
July 14, 2011
The Tables Turned
So I had an interesting flip today that I wasn't expecting....
The last few days I had a niggling in my head to call a family friend whose husband passed about two months ago. The last time I saw/spoke to the widow was during the funeral and I am aware that time has passed and I wanted to check on her. I had been meaning to do it for a few weeks now myslef, but as things generally happen, my thoughts get distracted and before I know it it's either too late, I'm not near a phone, or I forget.
But the thought really got in my head these past few days so I was determined to call her up today, and I did. Before I knew it, she was praying for me!!
That's right....I went to call her up to see how she was doing, to check in, to say "Hi.", (which she was indeed grateful for) and the next thing I knew, she had me closing my eyes on the phone holding back some tears as she asked the Lord to lift me and my wife up, to give me a wonderful day, to give me peace and joy.
Wow....I am so touched and thankful for these people in my life who stuck with me through my darkest times, when I didn't care if I woke up or not.
In other news my wife has an interview today. It's not a dream position for her, and I think she realizes that our state is pretty uch behind everyone else. She's getting bored at home (I know that feeling) and the stress is starting to sink in. I thinks she's also coming to terms that without a degree, or even an AA from a local community college, that her income is going to be lower as well.
That being said, we've been getting along pretty well as of late...although I still wish (and pray) she's cut back on the drinking and smoking. I don't have a problem with a glass of wine, but a bottle a day troubles me, and it's a continuing prayer I still pray...to ask for God to speak to her heart.
Speaking of God...I've once again found myself both craving His attention and yet rejecting Him at the same time. I take note of the seperation (duly all my fault) I have incurred by not taking the Word seriously these last two weeks. I've been focusing on wordly fun, whether it be telling a few crass jokes, swearing a bit more that usual, feeling impatient with people.....well, I've been taking note of this in the mirror.
Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed that I once again 'get right' and pray that the certain temptations don't cloud my mind. I awoke this morning again and prayed...and felt 'decent'. Not great, but not bad either.....and then my family friend really laid down the Spirit on me over the phone and I feel good and recognize God does indeed love all of us, even through the haze and fog we create of our own doings or 'mis-doings' if you will.
Tonight, I am taking my mother and mother-in-law to a concert. We are seeing Ottmar Liebert, a flamenco guitarist....I love Spanish music. This is a treat and a late Mother's Day gift to my mom....the only person who really gets me.
The last few days I had a niggling in my head to call a family friend whose husband passed about two months ago. The last time I saw/spoke to the widow was during the funeral and I am aware that time has passed and I wanted to check on her. I had been meaning to do it for a few weeks now myslef, but as things generally happen, my thoughts get distracted and before I know it it's either too late, I'm not near a phone, or I forget.
But the thought really got in my head these past few days so I was determined to call her up today, and I did. Before I knew it, she was praying for me!!
That's right....I went to call her up to see how she was doing, to check in, to say "Hi.", (which she was indeed grateful for) and the next thing I knew, she had me closing my eyes on the phone holding back some tears as she asked the Lord to lift me and my wife up, to give me a wonderful day, to give me peace and joy.
Wow....I am so touched and thankful for these people in my life who stuck with me through my darkest times, when I didn't care if I woke up or not.
In other news my wife has an interview today. It's not a dream position for her, and I think she realizes that our state is pretty uch behind everyone else. She's getting bored at home (I know that feeling) and the stress is starting to sink in. I thinks she's also coming to terms that without a degree, or even an AA from a local community college, that her income is going to be lower as well.
That being said, we've been getting along pretty well as of late...although I still wish (and pray) she's cut back on the drinking and smoking. I don't have a problem with a glass of wine, but a bottle a day troubles me, and it's a continuing prayer I still pray...to ask for God to speak to her heart.
Speaking of God...I've once again found myself both craving His attention and yet rejecting Him at the same time. I take note of the seperation (duly all my fault) I have incurred by not taking the Word seriously these last two weeks. I've been focusing on wordly fun, whether it be telling a few crass jokes, swearing a bit more that usual, feeling impatient with people.....well, I've been taking note of this in the mirror.
Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed that I once again 'get right' and pray that the certain temptations don't cloud my mind. I awoke this morning again and prayed...and felt 'decent'. Not great, but not bad either.....and then my family friend really laid down the Spirit on me over the phone and I feel good and recognize God does indeed love all of us, even through the haze and fog we create of our own doings or 'mis-doings' if you will.
Tonight, I am taking my mother and mother-in-law to a concert. We are seeing Ottmar Liebert, a flamenco guitarist....I love Spanish music. This is a treat and a late Mother's Day gift to my mom....the only person who really gets me.
June 21, 2011
Post Father's Day - 2011
Well, my Father's Day was decent on most account, albeit it pretty long.
I had gotten up early in the morning to smoke a beef brisket for my Father, Father-In-Law, and Brother-In=Law. It was about a 7 hour process which also included us cleaning the house as best as we could and making other dishes as well.
My father isn't so much on presents or wrapping paper or cards, but I still feel obligated (in a good and respectful way) to acknowledge him. Besides cooking all day, I also printed some pictures out for him of the two of us together, and him and my dog (his grand'pup' as he puts it) and some visors for his daily walks.
I think everyone enjoyed the afternoon/evening together, and 9:30 pm I was pretty tuckered out. My wife's generosity was very nice on Sunday. She gave me a card, from our dog of course, and after my shower, gave me a massage.....something that hasn't happened in years...and it was longer than the 5 minutes I thought I was going to get. Lasted more like 15. She's not the best massuese in the world, but that doesn't really matter....the fact that she attempted and did so for at least 15 minutes and helped cook and clean was very nice.
The only dissapointing facet of the day was the no call from my step-daughter. Nope...no call, no text, no email, no card...nada. Well, I kinda expected that to begin with, but I suppose even knowing that ahead of time and setting my expectations to zero...still 'stings' a bit.
It's a good thing I put in for Monday off, as I really needed to sleep in. My wife and I spent the day together cleaning up the house...I even steam-cleaned the carpet downstairs. Took myself to see Green Lantern...(I liked it BTW)...rebuilt my grandafathers PC, and was in bed again at 10pm last night, but that was mostly due to my medication kicking my butt.
Now I'm back to work, and we're a bit short handed today, but it' super slow. 3.5 more days until the weekend.
I had gotten up early in the morning to smoke a beef brisket for my Father, Father-In-Law, and Brother-In=Law. It was about a 7 hour process which also included us cleaning the house as best as we could and making other dishes as well.
My father isn't so much on presents or wrapping paper or cards, but I still feel obligated (in a good and respectful way) to acknowledge him. Besides cooking all day, I also printed some pictures out for him of the two of us together, and him and my dog (his grand'pup' as he puts it) and some visors for his daily walks.
I think everyone enjoyed the afternoon/evening together, and 9:30 pm I was pretty tuckered out. My wife's generosity was very nice on Sunday. She gave me a card, from our dog of course, and after my shower, gave me a massage.....something that hasn't happened in years...and it was longer than the 5 minutes I thought I was going to get. Lasted more like 15. She's not the best massuese in the world, but that doesn't really matter....the fact that she attempted and did so for at least 15 minutes and helped cook and clean was very nice.
The only dissapointing facet of the day was the no call from my step-daughter. Nope...no call, no text, no email, no card...nada. Well, I kinda expected that to begin with, but I suppose even knowing that ahead of time and setting my expectations to zero...still 'stings' a bit.
It's a good thing I put in for Monday off, as I really needed to sleep in. My wife and I spent the day together cleaning up the house...I even steam-cleaned the carpet downstairs. Took myself to see Green Lantern...(I liked it BTW)...rebuilt my grandafathers PC, and was in bed again at 10pm last night, but that was mostly due to my medication kicking my butt.
Now I'm back to work, and we're a bit short handed today, but it' super slow. 3.5 more days until the weekend.
June 13, 2011
Christmas in June
It happened so quickly, I had to do a double take in my head and play it back quickly to make sure I heard right.
Friday night after work I went to the gym and had a nice work out. I was feeling pretty strong as I finally had a nice outlet for my pent up anger the last few days.
When I got home, my neighbor called me over to take a look at his RV rental for the weekend which was pretty nice. My wife happened to be there as well and during a excited conversation taking place between some of my neighbors, my wife quickly turned to me when no one else was paying attention and said: "I'm sorry for the other night and picking a fight." and quickly turned back to the crowd.
Wow.
I sat there stunned, but I just nodded and said "Thank you." Yeah, I could've made a big deal out of it, talked about it more, tell her how it made me feel the last two days, etc., etc., but in the end, I figured it was much more humble to just accept it and move on.
I spent the rest of the weekend working diligently on a train model, playing my X-box, watching movies via Netflix, and doing some chores. The wife wasn't feeling well on Sunday, she spent most of the day on the couch, or in bed, but overall it was a nice and low-key weekend. Didn't want to get up this morning, work is extremely slow today....making me wish I wasn't here, but my wife still has no leads and so we have to watch our wallets. I had a $2.50 frozen lunch and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and counting the hours before I go home.
Friday night after work I went to the gym and had a nice work out. I was feeling pretty strong as I finally had a nice outlet for my pent up anger the last few days.
When I got home, my neighbor called me over to take a look at his RV rental for the weekend which was pretty nice. My wife happened to be there as well and during a excited conversation taking place between some of my neighbors, my wife quickly turned to me when no one else was paying attention and said: "I'm sorry for the other night and picking a fight." and quickly turned back to the crowd.
Wow.
I sat there stunned, but I just nodded and said "Thank you." Yeah, I could've made a big deal out of it, talked about it more, tell her how it made me feel the last two days, etc., etc., but in the end, I figured it was much more humble to just accept it and move on.
I spent the rest of the weekend working diligently on a train model, playing my X-box, watching movies via Netflix, and doing some chores. The wife wasn't feeling well on Sunday, she spent most of the day on the couch, or in bed, but overall it was a nice and low-key weekend. Didn't want to get up this morning, work is extremely slow today....making me wish I wasn't here, but my wife still has no leads and so we have to watch our wallets. I had a $2.50 frozen lunch and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and counting the hours before I go home.
June 10, 2011
....And 36 hours later....
....things are back to normal?
Yes, this morning when I awoke (about 30 minutes before my wife), I went ahead with my regular routine: coffee, clean-up, dress for work. And my wife begins talking to me like NOTHING HAPPENED Wed. night.
Huh?
Okay, so there's a white elephant in the room...at least there was yesterday. I walked away from a argument...one I didn't start or wanted to be a part of, and still scratching my head why it even happened to begin with. I was angry. I was upset. I walked away in the heat of her tirade lest I do/say something bad.
I stewed most of the day yesterday. We didn't speak at all. I left my house without a word and went about my day trying to put it out of my mind, but it's harder than you think, especially when you believe you're the victim of an unwarranted attack.
I knew yesterday she was going to go out with some of her friends in the evening for a 'GNO' as she calls it....girls night out. Yeah, I understand those....everyone needs to be around their own sex one in a while. I sometimes go out with my guy neighbors....but I usually reserve it for the weekends, or when we have extra money and I can buy a few beers. Anway, I decided to take myself out last night for a few hours as well. After I got home from work, I walked my dog briefly and then went to go see 'X-Men: First Class' in town (pretty darn good by the way...actually better than 'X-Men: Last Stand' from a few years ago).
By the end of the movie, a good portion of my anger had finally subsided, but was still there. I got home at 9:30pm....wife was still out. I ended up skipping dinner and despite the temptation to have an adult beverage, I also passed on that as well. Figuring I needed a good night sleep, I took an OTC sleeping aid and settled into bed at 10pm, dog nestled by my side.
Unsure when my wife actually came home, but somewhere around midnight I was briefly awakened by her getting into bed. My viens were like ice for a second, waiting for her to acknowledge me or try to wake me up to talk, but she didn't, and I was glad for that. I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.
When I first got up this morning, my anger and disapointment was still there, but only a fraction of what it was. In all honesty, I really didn't want to talk to her at all again.....I contemplated just walking back out the door like I did yesterday. But I was reading the bible yesterday about 'anger'....and all the regular verses of forgiviness, slow to anger, don't let the sun go down on your wrath,....blah, blah, blah. I was reading it, but it wasn't sinking in....or I wasn't allowing it to sink in.
Anyway, I figured I should at least say "Good-bye" and kiss her on the forehead, and with any luck, she'd leave me alone and I can escape. It's too early for round 2 and I don't want to start my day off with that. So I leaned over, and kissed her and said good-by and walked downstairs.
A minute or so later, my wife arose and came down as well....and started talking to me like Wed. never happened. I didn't stay long, I really was on my way out the door, but these actions or complete emotional reversals, or situational denials, or whatever you want to call them always throw me for a loop. It's her typical M.O.: pretend nothing happened, offer no apology, don't talk about it, just wipe out the last 36 hours with a magic wand and magically Wed. afternoon blends into Friday morning, Drives me insane.
I was super hungry this morning since I skipped dinner last night, so I took myself to a bagel shop this morning. I weighed in at 217lbs this morning a few pounds up from a month ago, but down a few lbs from earlier in the week. I had a cheddar-pesto bagel with sun-dried tomato spread, fresh cucumbers and fresh tomatos and a cup of coffee. It was was delicious.
Yes, this morning when I awoke (about 30 minutes before my wife), I went ahead with my regular routine: coffee, clean-up, dress for work. And my wife begins talking to me like NOTHING HAPPENED Wed. night.
Huh?
Okay, so there's a white elephant in the room...at least there was yesterday. I walked away from a argument...one I didn't start or wanted to be a part of, and still scratching my head why it even happened to begin with. I was angry. I was upset. I walked away in the heat of her tirade lest I do/say something bad.
I stewed most of the day yesterday. We didn't speak at all. I left my house without a word and went about my day trying to put it out of my mind, but it's harder than you think, especially when you believe you're the victim of an unwarranted attack.
I knew yesterday she was going to go out with some of her friends in the evening for a 'GNO' as she calls it....girls night out. Yeah, I understand those....everyone needs to be around their own sex one in a while. I sometimes go out with my guy neighbors....but I usually reserve it for the weekends, or when we have extra money and I can buy a few beers. Anway, I decided to take myself out last night for a few hours as well. After I got home from work, I walked my dog briefly and then went to go see 'X-Men: First Class' in town (pretty darn good by the way...actually better than 'X-Men: Last Stand' from a few years ago).
By the end of the movie, a good portion of my anger had finally subsided, but was still there. I got home at 9:30pm....wife was still out. I ended up skipping dinner and despite the temptation to have an adult beverage, I also passed on that as well. Figuring I needed a good night sleep, I took an OTC sleeping aid and settled into bed at 10pm, dog nestled by my side.
Unsure when my wife actually came home, but somewhere around midnight I was briefly awakened by her getting into bed. My viens were like ice for a second, waiting for her to acknowledge me or try to wake me up to talk, but she didn't, and I was glad for that. I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.
When I first got up this morning, my anger and disapointment was still there, but only a fraction of what it was. In all honesty, I really didn't want to talk to her at all again.....I contemplated just walking back out the door like I did yesterday. But I was reading the bible yesterday about 'anger'....and all the regular verses of forgiviness, slow to anger, don't let the sun go down on your wrath,....blah, blah, blah. I was reading it, but it wasn't sinking in....or I wasn't allowing it to sink in.
Anyway, I figured I should at least say "Good-bye" and kiss her on the forehead, and with any luck, she'd leave me alone and I can escape. It's too early for round 2 and I don't want to start my day off with that. So I leaned over, and kissed her and said good-by and walked downstairs.
A minute or so later, my wife arose and came down as well....and started talking to me like Wed. never happened. I didn't stay long, I really was on my way out the door, but these actions or complete emotional reversals, or situational denials, or whatever you want to call them always throw me for a loop. It's her typical M.O.: pretend nothing happened, offer no apology, don't talk about it, just wipe out the last 36 hours with a magic wand and magically Wed. afternoon blends into Friday morning, Drives me insane.
I was super hungry this morning since I skipped dinner last night, so I took myself to a bagel shop this morning. I weighed in at 217lbs this morning a few pounds up from a month ago, but down a few lbs from earlier in the week. I had a cheddar-pesto bagel with sun-dried tomato spread, fresh cucumbers and fresh tomatos and a cup of coffee. It was was delicious.
June 09, 2011
"You owe me!"
That thought came into my head today at lunch and I instantly knew it was wrong.
It was birthed by my festering foul mood that is ongoing, even now, as I write this. Here's to hoping that my blog today will let me express my anger (whether justified...or not) and prove to be the therapuetic tool I often pretend it to be.
Thinsg have been going well for all intents and purposes between my wife and I as of late...that it the last few weeks anyway. She even took me to a very nice lunch yesterday and we had been spending more time with each other as of late which is something I have often longed for.
Last night I was watching television at around 10pm and out of nowhere my wife asks me: "Have I been a bitch this last week?"
Uh, oh. This cannot be a good sign under any circumstances and the timing of the question seems odd to me.
I sat silent for a what seemed liked two-three minutes (actually more like only 15 seconds actually transpired but my silence was an awkward pause of really trying to examine her question) and a few thoughts raced in my head all at once: 1) Why is she asking this? 2) ::I replayed the events of the past 2 weeks in my head, seriously searching for a 'questionable' moment::, 3) What is she really asking and why? 4) How do I answer?
I couldn't really think of a bad moment, and cautiously answered "No.", waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who asks this at 10pm on a Wed. night if they don't have something on their mind?
I won't go into the blow by blow accounts, but before I knew it I heard myself saying "Really? You want to pick a fight at 10:20pm....out of nowhere....when I am just minding my own business watching TV?"
She said this wasn't a fight....but I know better than that by now. No matter what I say, or don't say...I am not going to escape this. Sure as shit...she was on a mission....she had a burr up her behind about something (I still don't know what)...and before I knew it I'm on the defensive in regards to things that: A) Were never said, B) Never transpired, C) And other "facts" were created out of thin-air.
I felt completely blind-sided, ambushed, and 'talked-down' to for the better half of 30 minutes. By this time, I am getting heated myself. I start to swear, I start to raise my voice, I de-evolved myself to a pointing-finger high school brat (something I am quite aware of....and certainly not proud of).
Once again, trying to regain my composure and put an end to "who knows what", I pointed out she started this...not me...I was just watching TV and getting ready for bed.
The icing of the cake was the moment she said to me: "You put me down."
WHAT?????
Since my wife has lost her job about 5 weeks back (she still isn't working), I have completely stayed out of her way....VERY SENSITIVE to the fact she's feeling vulnerable and scared. I feel I have been very supportive in her downtime. I have often thanked her for cleaning the house, cooking meals, walking the dog more oftenm taking me to lunch. Never once have I demanded to see her resume, asked who, when and how many resumes she sent out or how the job search is going. I haven't asked her to clean, to cook (maybe walk the dog so I didn't have to when I came home), and I AM PUTTING HER DOWN?
I ask "How?" "How am I putting you down?" "What have I said or done?" At this point I have reached my limit. I am pissed. I am angry. I am livid we are at each others throat at 10:45pm...and I still can't even tell you how this spun out of control. I finally said I was "Done" And "I'm going to bed".
"No your not.", she said. "I am talking to you and you are going to listen."
"No, You have talked for 45 minutes and I have listened. It's late, I don't want to fight, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or why I am on the defensive."
I know myself....well enough....that I have to walk away right now, despite her needling, lest I REALLY say or DO something we (more so me) will regret. She yelled after me..."F"-it...I just walked upstairs and went to bed....angry at about 11:15.
She finally came up at around midnight and went to bed as well, but nothing was said to me.
I woke up at 3am....still angry....and asked Jesus to lift my anger so I could get back to sleep. I prayed a simple prayer and was back to sleep in minutes....only to get up at 6:30 am still angry.
I got ready for work by myself and left without saying "Goodbye". Yes, I should be the bigger person. I should say "Good-bye" and tell her I "love" her because you never know if today is going to be your last day....But I didn't and I'm still mad.
I'm also mad she hasn't attempted to contact me yet so far today to either: a) apologize, b) see how I am doing. No "sorry" isn't in her vocabulary.
So anyway, what up with "You owe me"?
I was sitting at lunch, thinking about...trying to piece together....what in the hell happened last night. After a few weeks of getting along just fine, better than fine mind you...seeing a glimmer of my old wife, she wants to start a self-made tussle.
I was angry at God. "You owe me." came from the thought that for all the 'crap' I put up with, I figure God better have something good for me in the end. I need a pass into heaven, a sure thing to peace and joy and happiness...damn everyone else. So un-christian and oh-so-human.
No...Damn me. Damn me for getting sucked into an immature, finger pointing argument. Damn me for going to bed angry and letting this anger consume me today. Damn me for 'demanding' God owes me anything at all.
Sigh.
Anger is such a consuming emotion and serves no purpose other than taking our eyes of the big picture.
It was birthed by my festering foul mood that is ongoing, even now, as I write this. Here's to hoping that my blog today will let me express my anger (whether justified...or not) and prove to be the therapuetic tool I often pretend it to be.
Thinsg have been going well for all intents and purposes between my wife and I as of late...that it the last few weeks anyway. She even took me to a very nice lunch yesterday and we had been spending more time with each other as of late which is something I have often longed for.
Last night I was watching television at around 10pm and out of nowhere my wife asks me: "Have I been a bitch this last week?"
Uh, oh. This cannot be a good sign under any circumstances and the timing of the question seems odd to me.
I sat silent for a what seemed liked two-three minutes (actually more like only 15 seconds actually transpired but my silence was an awkward pause of really trying to examine her question) and a few thoughts raced in my head all at once: 1) Why is she asking this? 2) ::I replayed the events of the past 2 weeks in my head, seriously searching for a 'questionable' moment::, 3) What is she really asking and why? 4) How do I answer?
I couldn't really think of a bad moment, and cautiously answered "No.", waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who asks this at 10pm on a Wed. night if they don't have something on their mind?
I won't go into the blow by blow accounts, but before I knew it I heard myself saying "Really? You want to pick a fight at 10:20pm....out of nowhere....when I am just minding my own business watching TV?"
She said this wasn't a fight....but I know better than that by now. No matter what I say, or don't say...I am not going to escape this. Sure as shit...she was on a mission....she had a burr up her behind about something (I still don't know what)...and before I knew it I'm on the defensive in regards to things that: A) Were never said, B) Never transpired, C) And other "facts" were created out of thin-air.
I felt completely blind-sided, ambushed, and 'talked-down' to for the better half of 30 minutes. By this time, I am getting heated myself. I start to swear, I start to raise my voice, I de-evolved myself to a pointing-finger high school brat (something I am quite aware of....and certainly not proud of).
Once again, trying to regain my composure and put an end to "who knows what", I pointed out she started this...not me...I was just watching TV and getting ready for bed.
The icing of the cake was the moment she said to me: "You put me down."
WHAT?????
Since my wife has lost her job about 5 weeks back (she still isn't working), I have completely stayed out of her way....VERY SENSITIVE to the fact she's feeling vulnerable and scared. I feel I have been very supportive in her downtime. I have often thanked her for cleaning the house, cooking meals, walking the dog more oftenm taking me to lunch. Never once have I demanded to see her resume, asked who, when and how many resumes she sent out or how the job search is going. I haven't asked her to clean, to cook (maybe walk the dog so I didn't have to when I came home), and I AM PUTTING HER DOWN?
I ask "How?" "How am I putting you down?" "What have I said or done?" At this point I have reached my limit. I am pissed. I am angry. I am livid we are at each others throat at 10:45pm...and I still can't even tell you how this spun out of control. I finally said I was "Done" And "I'm going to bed".
"No your not.", she said. "I am talking to you and you are going to listen."
"No, You have talked for 45 minutes and I have listened. It's late, I don't want to fight, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or why I am on the defensive."
I know myself....well enough....that I have to walk away right now, despite her needling, lest I REALLY say or DO something we (more so me) will regret. She yelled after me..."F"-it...I just walked upstairs and went to bed....angry at about 11:15.
She finally came up at around midnight and went to bed as well, but nothing was said to me.
I woke up at 3am....still angry....and asked Jesus to lift my anger so I could get back to sleep. I prayed a simple prayer and was back to sleep in minutes....only to get up at 6:30 am still angry.
I got ready for work by myself and left without saying "Goodbye". Yes, I should be the bigger person. I should say "Good-bye" and tell her I "love" her because you never know if today is going to be your last day....But I didn't and I'm still mad.
I'm also mad she hasn't attempted to contact me yet so far today to either: a) apologize, b) see how I am doing. No "sorry" isn't in her vocabulary.
So anyway, what up with "You owe me"?
I was sitting at lunch, thinking about...trying to piece together....what in the hell happened last night. After a few weeks of getting along just fine, better than fine mind you...seeing a glimmer of my old wife, she wants to start a self-made tussle.
I was angry at God. "You owe me." came from the thought that for all the 'crap' I put up with, I figure God better have something good for me in the end. I need a pass into heaven, a sure thing to peace and joy and happiness...damn everyone else. So un-christian and oh-so-human.
No...Damn me. Damn me for getting sucked into an immature, finger pointing argument. Damn me for going to bed angry and letting this anger consume me today. Damn me for 'demanding' God owes me anything at all.
Sigh.
Anger is such a consuming emotion and serves no purpose other than taking our eyes of the big picture.
May 17, 2011
Tired - a side effect
Even though today I forgot to take my pill, the previous 6 days I've been good and on track. Perhaps its the gloomy and rainy weather today, but I am tired.
I actually took a little power nap in my car at lunch today since I mostly eat at my desk these days to help save money. But I'm having a hard time shaking the cobwebs outta my head right now, and I know I could easily fall back asleep if I had the chance.
I'm pretty sure that's one of the side effects of my pills. It doesn't matter if I have my obligatory 3-4 cups of coffee in the morning, a very light lunch (today was cup of noodles), or some tea in the afternoon. I just get plumb tuckered out. Also doesn't help that work has been slow thus far the last two days and I'm passing the time by studying slef-paced Microsoft Power Point lessons.
My wife has her first interview today. First one in over 12 years and I know she's a bit scared. She also let me know she applied for another job yesterday.
Overall our relationship this past week has been pretty good. She's actually been quite nice to me, although an incident late Friday had me a bit befuddled (though I blame the copious amount of adult beverages she had). Yesterday I came home to a cleaned kitchen and master bath, and she's been quite personable to me. I wish we had more of this and less of the other.
Church was nice on Sunday. I really needed it just to lift my spirits in general.
Speaking of God, I read a story that some guy in New York just spent all of his life savings (over $100k?) to take out ads all over the city at bus stops and billboards stating the end of the world was coming this Saturday....May 21st. I know he's not the only one who thinks this, but I suppose we'll all see one way or another. What happens 'if' we wake up on the 22nd. How does he cope knowing his faith has been shattered and he's now broke?
Personally I try not to think of this stuff because the topic does scare me although I'd like to think I'm going to be the Lord....but He says only He knows the hour and day on which the end takes place....not us. Besides, there's a ton of movies I'd like to see first, a few more books I'd like to read, and a few more BBQ's to host.
I actually took a little power nap in my car at lunch today since I mostly eat at my desk these days to help save money. But I'm having a hard time shaking the cobwebs outta my head right now, and I know I could easily fall back asleep if I had the chance.
I'm pretty sure that's one of the side effects of my pills. It doesn't matter if I have my obligatory 3-4 cups of coffee in the morning, a very light lunch (today was cup of noodles), or some tea in the afternoon. I just get plumb tuckered out. Also doesn't help that work has been slow thus far the last two days and I'm passing the time by studying slef-paced Microsoft Power Point lessons.
My wife has her first interview today. First one in over 12 years and I know she's a bit scared. She also let me know she applied for another job yesterday.
Overall our relationship this past week has been pretty good. She's actually been quite nice to me, although an incident late Friday had me a bit befuddled (though I blame the copious amount of adult beverages she had). Yesterday I came home to a cleaned kitchen and master bath, and she's been quite personable to me. I wish we had more of this and less of the other.
Church was nice on Sunday. I really needed it just to lift my spirits in general.
Speaking of God, I read a story that some guy in New York just spent all of his life savings (over $100k?) to take out ads all over the city at bus stops and billboards stating the end of the world was coming this Saturday....May 21st. I know he's not the only one who thinks this, but I suppose we'll all see one way or another. What happens 'if' we wake up on the 22nd. How does he cope knowing his faith has been shattered and he's now broke?
Personally I try not to think of this stuff because the topic does scare me although I'd like to think I'm going to be the Lord....but He says only He knows the hour and day on which the end takes place....not us. Besides, there's a ton of movies I'd like to see first, a few more books I'd like to read, and a few more BBQ's to host.
May 11, 2011
Hump Day
Today is day two that I remembered to take my pill.
Last night after work I went to the gym, rode the bike for approx 20 minutes, and then bombed my biceps for a bit. Once I came home I BBQ'd some marinated chicken breasts, blacks beans, and cilantro/lime rice. Overall very healthy, and my wife was appreciative. We caught up on some recorded television, and for the most part I hung low.
This morning before I left for work, feeling somewhat re-energized I asked my wife to do the following: 1) Call back a person who called 2 days ago about setting up an interview....even if she doesn't want the job, it'll be good practice to interview with someone and get pointers after not being in that position for over 11 years. 2) Call her old company up and figure out where her check is. She was supposed to get a check last Friday, and as of yesterday (Tuesday), my wife still hadn't received anything which makes me nervous. So she has to figure out what happened. 3) And I asked her to listen or attempt to listen to at least 1 CD from a Christain series I got some time back on the topic of 'Marriage' from "Growing Through Grace". She said she would.
It's a 6 CD- series, and I admit, I myself have only listened to the first 2, but I said if she listened to them, I would as well. The two that I did listen to for myself were very helpful...although that was a few months back, and I may need to re-listen to help me remember all the exact content.
I did opt to take Friday off, and it was approved. My plan is to see Thor early in the afternoon, even if it is by myself. I may call my dad to see if he wants to meet me for breakfast. That should be nice.
I pray that my work goes by fast today, or at least I keep busy enough where it does go by fast. Periods of dullness lead to unhealthy thoughts.
Speaking of praying, I prayed quite a bit this morning. Mostly for me and my wife, but also other people I know are having thier own issues...I know I'm not the only person.
Last night after work I went to the gym, rode the bike for approx 20 minutes, and then bombed my biceps for a bit. Once I came home I BBQ'd some marinated chicken breasts, blacks beans, and cilantro/lime rice. Overall very healthy, and my wife was appreciative. We caught up on some recorded television, and for the most part I hung low.
This morning before I left for work, feeling somewhat re-energized I asked my wife to do the following: 1) Call back a person who called 2 days ago about setting up an interview....even if she doesn't want the job, it'll be good practice to interview with someone and get pointers after not being in that position for over 11 years. 2) Call her old company up and figure out where her check is. She was supposed to get a check last Friday, and as of yesterday (Tuesday), my wife still hadn't received anything which makes me nervous. So she has to figure out what happened. 3) And I asked her to listen or attempt to listen to at least 1 CD from a Christain series I got some time back on the topic of 'Marriage' from "Growing Through Grace". She said she would.
It's a 6 CD- series, and I admit, I myself have only listened to the first 2, but I said if she listened to them, I would as well. The two that I did listen to for myself were very helpful...although that was a few months back, and I may need to re-listen to help me remember all the exact content.
I did opt to take Friday off, and it was approved. My plan is to see Thor early in the afternoon, even if it is by myself. I may call my dad to see if he wants to meet me for breakfast. That should be nice.
I pray that my work goes by fast today, or at least I keep busy enough where it does go by fast. Periods of dullness lead to unhealthy thoughts.
Speaking of praying, I prayed quite a bit this morning. Mostly for me and my wife, but also other people I know are having thier own issues...I know I'm not the only person.
May 10, 2011
Whining
After I posted yesterday, I had a lot of time to reflect for the remainder of the day, and I can't help but feel I came across a little whiny. However, that was how I was feeling at the time so I am unsure if apologies are in order or not.
Yesterday afternoon and early evening proved to be yet another internal battle I often have with myself: trying to be brave, asserting my confidence, growing a backbone on one side, but at the same time feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt, vulnerable, and once again....fantasizing I was someone else and somewhere else.
As I stated it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not because I don't love my wife, but knowing what my SIL revealed to me in a phone conversation on how my wife supposedly felt about me while somewhat intoxicated didn't make me feel like celebrating her day....especially when my birthday was almost two months ago and my wife more or less shined it altogether.
But I sucked it up and tried to be a man about it and despite my indifferent feelings I went ahead anyway and met her and 'our' friends. I only stayed about 2 hours, and a few people bought me some drinks. Many of these people are my friends as well, and it was nice to see them. The real surprise of the evening is that my wife paid attention to me...she told me she loved me a few times...and even kissed me in public. And she was sober.
Talk about confusing emotions for me. I have no idea where I stand anymore. One day I am a horrible step-father who needs to 'grow a pair of balls' (per my SIL), the next day my wife tells me how much she loves me, wants to go dancing with me, and is planning to take me to dinner on Friday.
Do you guys understand why I want to pull my hair out at times? I have a feeling my SIL and BIL may have pointed some stuff out to my wife (in my favor) that maybe she really didn't recognize on her own...If that is the case, then I owe them my gratitude....but that all could be wishful thinking on my part and the furthest thing from reality.
I took a 'pill' this morning...and I can tell my body was devoid of the chemicals before. The last hour or so, I get these little flashes that last only about a second in my head...kind of like a head rush or adrenaline. This is a mild side-effect and always occurs when I'm on my meds. I guess it just feel more pronounced today. Too bad it takes 2 weeks of taking them every day for them to kick in....so I suppose my chemicals will be out of whack...again...the next few days.
Speaking of which, I had to call my therapist this morning and explain that my wife lost her job and our medical benefits are in flux and I can no longer pay for my weekly sessions right now. Maybe when my wife gets a new job, or I can sign up for benefits at my job (*sigh) I can go again....but for the forseeable future, I'm on my own.
I really didn't want to go to work today. I really wanted to stay home, play with my dog, work on my models and just take a personal day. Instead, I came in this morning and asked for Friday off and it was granted. I have enough vacation time saved up...Lord knows we can't afford to go anywhere.
I have a gift certifcate to the movies, so I may treat myself to Thor in the afternoon.
Yesterday afternoon and early evening proved to be yet another internal battle I often have with myself: trying to be brave, asserting my confidence, growing a backbone on one side, but at the same time feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt, vulnerable, and once again....fantasizing I was someone else and somewhere else.
As I stated it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not because I don't love my wife, but knowing what my SIL revealed to me in a phone conversation on how my wife supposedly felt about me while somewhat intoxicated didn't make me feel like celebrating her day....especially when my birthday was almost two months ago and my wife more or less shined it altogether.
But I sucked it up and tried to be a man about it and despite my indifferent feelings I went ahead anyway and met her and 'our' friends. I only stayed about 2 hours, and a few people bought me some drinks. Many of these people are my friends as well, and it was nice to see them. The real surprise of the evening is that my wife paid attention to me...she told me she loved me a few times...and even kissed me in public. And she was sober.
Talk about confusing emotions for me. I have no idea where I stand anymore. One day I am a horrible step-father who needs to 'grow a pair of balls' (per my SIL), the next day my wife tells me how much she loves me, wants to go dancing with me, and is planning to take me to dinner on Friday.
Do you guys understand why I want to pull my hair out at times? I have a feeling my SIL and BIL may have pointed some stuff out to my wife (in my favor) that maybe she really didn't recognize on her own...If that is the case, then I owe them my gratitude....but that all could be wishful thinking on my part and the furthest thing from reality.
I took a 'pill' this morning...and I can tell my body was devoid of the chemicals before. The last hour or so, I get these little flashes that last only about a second in my head...kind of like a head rush or adrenaline. This is a mild side-effect and always occurs when I'm on my meds. I guess it just feel more pronounced today. Too bad it takes 2 weeks of taking them every day for them to kick in....so I suppose my chemicals will be out of whack...again...the next few days.
Speaking of which, I had to call my therapist this morning and explain that my wife lost her job and our medical benefits are in flux and I can no longer pay for my weekly sessions right now. Maybe when my wife gets a new job, or I can sign up for benefits at my job (*sigh) I can go again....but for the forseeable future, I'm on my own.
I really didn't want to go to work today. I really wanted to stay home, play with my dog, work on my models and just take a personal day. Instead, I came in this morning and asked for Friday off and it was granted. I have enough vacation time saved up...Lord knows we can't afford to go anywhere.
I have a gift certifcate to the movies, so I may treat myself to Thor in the afternoon.
May 09, 2011
Flat Tire #2
Last week, my Wed. was shot to heck by an unexpected flat tire. I was originally scheduled to have last Friday off, but since I spent the majority of the day waiting for my tire to get fixed, I had to swap out my vacation day for Wed. instead.
Well, as luck...or lack of luck would have it, I awoke this morning to now find my left front tire flat. Are you kidding me? That's 2 flat tires within 5 days! I didn't drive my car yesterday, so if it happened, it had to have happened on Saturday as I did some chores around town as trouble for my efforts got a slow leaking puncture.
The nice thing was my boss was understanding when I called (personally I'm glad I have a phone that can take pictures to prove it just in case), because I'm not sure I would have believed me if I were in her shoes.
The other good thing is I think the guy at the tire store felt pity for me from last Wed., because he patched this one at no charge, and I was on my way within 45 minutes. But he did show me that all 4 of my tires (each are 3.5 years old) were soon to be replaced, and it would roughly cost me $450 to get all done in the future...great.
In other news, I've been off my meds for over a week now. I just keep forgetting to take them....plain and simple.
Yesterday, my wife had a mini-melt down of her own. I know this may sound bad coming from me (who is supposed to be sensitive to her and loving and caring), but in a way, I was kinda glad to see it. Not that she was hurting per-se, but the fact that there are some 'feelings' within her, and it just isn't me that makes her upset. Her own mother asked some questions to her, and I'm pretty sure my wife was not expecting to be put on the spot and face reality.
I stayed out of it and actually removed myself from the situation altogether. It boils down to my mother-in-law asked my wife what her priorities were these days, now that's she's not working. She told my wife to watch her money, not to spend/blow it, etc. etc. Although I agree 100%, I'm glad my M-I-L took it upon herself to interject, and nothing to do with me at all. I didn't bring it up, encourage it, nothing. I was a casual observer from the next room, but I was curious how my wife would react and handle herself....apparently not very well.
I eventually left for home and my wife stayed behind to talk with her own sister and brother-in-law and came home much later. My sister-in-law called me today to share what happened.
"Your wife....my sister....needs help."
Yes she does.
My S-I-L explained that my wife went on for the next few hours blaming everyone else for her woes...her mom, me, her ex co-workers who are 'conspiring' against her, but never once took responsibility for any of her actions. She's mad at me for some trivial things....things I didn't even know about. But my BIL and SIL came to my defense and said "How would he know...if you never told him?" And "Well Missy....you got a quite a few things you need to change as well, because they are questionable...at best." The bad news, however, is my wife doesn't think they are an issue with her....Again...it's everybody else (me included, and I've probably got the biggest chunk).
While both my SIL and BIl acknowledged that my wife may have 'some' points, they also told me they believe them to be either exaggerated to some extent, perhaps a little questionable, or at the very least, my wife 'believes' them to be true in her own mind.
But in the end, both my SIL and BIL expressed that she needs to help herself, admit to some of her own issues, and take some responsibility herself. While I am glad my sister in law called me up to tell me what's up, or what happened after I left, I'm not encouraged by the fact that my wife is STILL in a huge case of denial.
Not the way I wanted to end my day today. It's actually my wife's birthday today, and now I gotta go to a 'party' that her enabler friends put together and 'pretend' I'm so excited knowing my wife who just told me she "loved" me this morning (was it after the alcohol wore off maybe?)basically thinks I'm a lousy step-father and crappy husband to her sister and brother-in-law.
Yay me!
Well, as luck...or lack of luck would have it, I awoke this morning to now find my left front tire flat. Are you kidding me? That's 2 flat tires within 5 days! I didn't drive my car yesterday, so if it happened, it had to have happened on Saturday as I did some chores around town as trouble for my efforts got a slow leaking puncture.
The nice thing was my boss was understanding when I called (personally I'm glad I have a phone that can take pictures to prove it just in case), because I'm not sure I would have believed me if I were in her shoes.
The other good thing is I think the guy at the tire store felt pity for me from last Wed., because he patched this one at no charge, and I was on my way within 45 minutes. But he did show me that all 4 of my tires (each are 3.5 years old) were soon to be replaced, and it would roughly cost me $450 to get all done in the future...great.
In other news, I've been off my meds for over a week now. I just keep forgetting to take them....plain and simple.
Yesterday, my wife had a mini-melt down of her own. I know this may sound bad coming from me (who is supposed to be sensitive to her and loving and caring), but in a way, I was kinda glad to see it. Not that she was hurting per-se, but the fact that there are some 'feelings' within her, and it just isn't me that makes her upset. Her own mother asked some questions to her, and I'm pretty sure my wife was not expecting to be put on the spot and face reality.
I stayed out of it and actually removed myself from the situation altogether. It boils down to my mother-in-law asked my wife what her priorities were these days, now that's she's not working. She told my wife to watch her money, not to spend/blow it, etc. etc. Although I agree 100%, I'm glad my M-I-L took it upon herself to interject, and nothing to do with me at all. I didn't bring it up, encourage it, nothing. I was a casual observer from the next room, but I was curious how my wife would react and handle herself....apparently not very well.
I eventually left for home and my wife stayed behind to talk with her own sister and brother-in-law and came home much later. My sister-in-law called me today to share what happened.
"Your wife....my sister....needs help."
Yes she does.
My S-I-L explained that my wife went on for the next few hours blaming everyone else for her woes...her mom, me, her ex co-workers who are 'conspiring' against her, but never once took responsibility for any of her actions. She's mad at me for some trivial things....things I didn't even know about. But my BIL and SIL came to my defense and said "How would he know...if you never told him?" And "Well Missy....you got a quite a few things you need to change as well, because they are questionable...at best." The bad news, however, is my wife doesn't think they are an issue with her....Again...it's everybody else (me included, and I've probably got the biggest chunk).
While both my SIL and BIl acknowledged that my wife may have 'some' points, they also told me they believe them to be either exaggerated to some extent, perhaps a little questionable, or at the very least, my wife 'believes' them to be true in her own mind.
But in the end, both my SIL and BIL expressed that she needs to help herself, admit to some of her own issues, and take some responsibility herself. While I am glad my sister in law called me up to tell me what's up, or what happened after I left, I'm not encouraged by the fact that my wife is STILL in a huge case of denial.
Not the way I wanted to end my day today. It's actually my wife's birthday today, and now I gotta go to a 'party' that her enabler friends put together and 'pretend' I'm so excited knowing my wife who just told me she "loved" me this morning (was it after the alcohol wore off maybe?)basically thinks I'm a lousy step-father and crappy husband to her sister and brother-in-law.
Yay me!
May 06, 2011
On the brink (Part III)
I've been so busy with work and my mind has been going in so many different directions the last few days, I just can't seem to chronologically continue this recent episodic arc.
So instead of dragging this out for weeks on end (at my current pace of finding time to write), I'm just going to wrap this 'On the brink' continuing serial with the prominent highlights:
So instead of dragging this out for weeks on end (at my current pace of finding time to write), I'm just going to wrap this 'On the brink' continuing serial with the prominent highlights:
- I'm fogetting to take my pills on a daily basis: ergo, I can't even be sure right now if my mental state is stable because of the lingering medication, or something else.
- Just after I decided not to file papers against my wife, she got let go from her job of 11 years, thus we are down to my income and her on unemployment. So I exchanged one level of stress for another. Of course, our bills will now go up as her company used to pay both our home Internet and her cell phone. Now they don't. That's and increase of approx $120 a month on us to keep, and her income is less than half now based of EDD pay-outs.
- I talked my wife into going to church with me on Easter. She went, and Easter all around was okay.
- My 'new' cholesterol medicine is a bit strong and I've had a few allergic reactions to it to where the doctor has now also included me taking a Bayer aspirin at bedtime too, to offset side effects of cholesterol medicine.
- My 19 year old step daughter called my wife the other evening, and dropped a hint she wants to possibly move back in with us. Something I am not keen on as she was a huge source of drama in our house and a stressor to both my wife and myself. How do I put it nicely (I can't)....she was/is lazy and has an excuse for everything. It's my understanding that in the last 4 months, she has had to move at least 3 different times because she wasn't getting along with her room-mat at the time. Of course my daughter says it was 'never' her issues...Do you see a common denominator here? It's always 'someone elses' fault, never hers. So she possibly wants to move back so we can bail her out again? With what? My wife is now not working...so we are going to have two people not working in my house?
- Learned my cousin has stage 4 cancer and probably won't make it past next month.
- Last Saturday I went to a funeral of a family friend.
- Did I mention I'm under a lot of stress now? Yup, my sleeping patterns and relaxation are out the window right now. Wonder why?
- Earlier this week, I couldn't take it and just sat in my backyard and finished about .275ml of whisky by myself...not smart in hindsight...just wanted to be alone.
- On Wed., I got a flat tire on my way to work. Missed work all day to get it repaired and spent money we don't have and had to use a 'vacation' day (which wasn't a vacation).
- Because of my wife's lack of job, I have to cancel my appointments with my therapist. Can't afford to go to therapy anylonger on one income. My sessions were partially covered by my wife's health care plan, but not any longer. We have 90 days of COBRA, and then that's over.
Yup....pretty much sucks right now.
If you look at that list of crap, there is not one damn thing I can control or was a part of. Well, I suppose maybe my step-daughter....I can say 'No', but I won't. But her and I have to have a real 'heart-to-heart' talk if she thinks she's coming back. Things MUST change in that regard, and we must come to an agreement before she moves back in. No way in hell are things going to go back the way they were, with her loafing around all day long, not doing anything, copping an attitude and watching cartoons all day long while I'm at work providing for all of us. F___ that. And she's going to give me rent money, not her mom...because I'll never see any of it then.
May 02, 2011
On the brink (Part II)
As I stated on my last post, my going through with filing papers to initiate a divorce was halted at the eleventh hour.
I'd like to beleive that God finally gave me a sign, that He knew I was serious....seriously hurt, seriously doubting, seriously scared, seriously broken. I often wonder why God allows us all to continously go through stuff that we do. I don't know how many times I have heard from people that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I personally don't know how I feel about that statement or the underlying logic to it.
Different people have different breaking points. What seems like a hardship to one may seem trivial to another. I recall thinking (as mentioned in my last post), my life was about to enter a period of total chaos (although it is said almost 50% of American today experience divorce), but in the end I wasn't losing my life, or my world, like the people in Japan are currently suffering. Or like in Haiti last year, or Katrina a few years ago.
That fact alone is both humbling to me, and a cause of concern. I'm concerned because in the big picture of life my trials and tribulations do seem menial. But at the same time, do you know what it's like to live with a closet alcoholic? Do you know what it like to have full fledged depression? To wake up in the morning knowing a pill is waiting for you downstairs that 'may' balance out the chemicals in your head so you don't have thoughts of never waking up again? I do. And I'm not going to lie....depression sucks...and knowing God isn't a cure all for all people. I love God, I love Christ.....but that doesn't make me see rainbows everyday. Quite the contrary. I see evil, and corruption, and a sick world and a sick society all around me. I know people are destined for eternal condemnation, some even within my own family, and the task of trying to save those who don't want to be save is a daunting task.
So what else?
Well, I can tell you, it's not easy to remember my pills everyday. I was doing good for a while, but starting to forget again...like today....oh and yesterday. Great...just great. Doesn't do me any good if I keep forgetting, because according to the doctor and therapist, I'm supposed to take them every day to regulate my brain chemicals. Why can't I remember.
My mother-in-law contacted my mother just after this all went down a few weeks back. That's yet another reason I know my in-laws like me and care for me. They wanted to express their concerns and share with my parents (my dad already knew...I share with him more on these matters because my mom tends to over-react and then smother me and call me 20 times a day...I am her only son afterall).
The one thing I didn't expect was my mother-in-law to speak about my therapy. *Sigh*...Well, the cat is out of the bag now and of course my mom called me. Yes, I told her....your son speaks with a therapist. I think my mom was a little shocked and taken aback. I'm sure she thinks everything is like a 1950's movie where I'm laying down on a couch talking to a guy with a pipe who nods occasionally and suggests electro-shock therapy.
I can tell my mom is curious and wants to dig more, buts she's handling me with kid gloves at the same time. I don't think she knows I take pills (when I remember), or anti-anxiety drugs when I suffer panic attacks. And I don't have the heart to tell her (or my father) that I used to have suicidal thoughts. I have a feeling my mom would think I am 'crazy' and either try to smother me more with her love or try to 'fix' me her own way....if it were that simple.
How do you tell a parent....one who loves you so much....that they did nothing wrong, but you have a chemical imbalance in your head? That you look at life differently than almost everybody else around you? That there are periods....that creep up unexpectantly and at odd times....that makes you want to cry uncontrolably, or run-away, or worse. That people around you are enjoying the simple day to day things, but you secretly walk around with a fake smile exposed to the outside world while within a dark thunder cloud clings to your soul.
People say they'll pray for you, to take the heartache and pain away...but if there is any respite, it's only temporary at best, and I know deep down inside my personal demons will most likely return.
Anyway, my mom now knows I see a therapist but is not 100% sure why. The curiosity I'm sure is killing her, but she has no idea to what extent and I assume she thinks it's just about my marriage, and maybe a bad day at work here and there.
(To be continued)
I'd like to beleive that God finally gave me a sign, that He knew I was serious....seriously hurt, seriously doubting, seriously scared, seriously broken. I often wonder why God allows us all to continously go through stuff that we do. I don't know how many times I have heard from people that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I personally don't know how I feel about that statement or the underlying logic to it.
Different people have different breaking points. What seems like a hardship to one may seem trivial to another. I recall thinking (as mentioned in my last post), my life was about to enter a period of total chaos (although it is said almost 50% of American today experience divorce), but in the end I wasn't losing my life, or my world, like the people in Japan are currently suffering. Or like in Haiti last year, or Katrina a few years ago.
That fact alone is both humbling to me, and a cause of concern. I'm concerned because in the big picture of life my trials and tribulations do seem menial. But at the same time, do you know what it's like to live with a closet alcoholic? Do you know what it like to have full fledged depression? To wake up in the morning knowing a pill is waiting for you downstairs that 'may' balance out the chemicals in your head so you don't have thoughts of never waking up again? I do. And I'm not going to lie....depression sucks...and knowing God isn't a cure all for all people. I love God, I love Christ.....but that doesn't make me see rainbows everyday. Quite the contrary. I see evil, and corruption, and a sick world and a sick society all around me. I know people are destined for eternal condemnation, some even within my own family, and the task of trying to save those who don't want to be save is a daunting task.
So what else?
Well, I can tell you, it's not easy to remember my pills everyday. I was doing good for a while, but starting to forget again...like today....oh and yesterday. Great...just great. Doesn't do me any good if I keep forgetting, because according to the doctor and therapist, I'm supposed to take them every day to regulate my brain chemicals. Why can't I remember.
My mother-in-law contacted my mother just after this all went down a few weeks back. That's yet another reason I know my in-laws like me and care for me. They wanted to express their concerns and share with my parents (my dad already knew...I share with him more on these matters because my mom tends to over-react and then smother me and call me 20 times a day...I am her only son afterall).
The one thing I didn't expect was my mother-in-law to speak about my therapy. *Sigh*...Well, the cat is out of the bag now and of course my mom called me. Yes, I told her....your son speaks with a therapist. I think my mom was a little shocked and taken aback. I'm sure she thinks everything is like a 1950's movie where I'm laying down on a couch talking to a guy with a pipe who nods occasionally and suggests electro-shock therapy.
I can tell my mom is curious and wants to dig more, buts she's handling me with kid gloves at the same time. I don't think she knows I take pills (when I remember), or anti-anxiety drugs when I suffer panic attacks. And I don't have the heart to tell her (or my father) that I used to have suicidal thoughts. I have a feeling my mom would think I am 'crazy' and either try to smother me more with her love or try to 'fix' me her own way....if it were that simple.
How do you tell a parent....one who loves you so much....that they did nothing wrong, but you have a chemical imbalance in your head? That you look at life differently than almost everybody else around you? That there are periods....that creep up unexpectantly and at odd times....that makes you want to cry uncontrolably, or run-away, or worse. That people around you are enjoying the simple day to day things, but you secretly walk around with a fake smile exposed to the outside world while within a dark thunder cloud clings to your soul.
People say they'll pray for you, to take the heartache and pain away...but if there is any respite, it's only temporary at best, and I know deep down inside my personal demons will most likely return.
Anyway, my mom now knows I see a therapist but is not 100% sure why. The curiosity I'm sure is killing her, but she has no idea to what extent and I assume she thinks it's just about my marriage, and maybe a bad day at work here and there.
(To be continued)
April 28, 2011
On the brink (Part I)
Gosh...time does indeed fly when I take a moment to look back, but if I think in terms of day-to-day it sometimes seems to drag on forever. Thank goodness Heaven is supposedly outside of time, for I have had a horrible sense of time since my last entry. Was it really March 31st? Sorry folks.
The last four weeks has been all over the place. Some ups and downs (mostly downs), but I sit here today, now this afternoon in a state of reserved peace. Actually it's good I've been distracted the last few hours, as earlier this morning I was feeling quite anxious and irritable.
I'm not sure I'll be able to get everything that happened the last 4 weeks into this post...as a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I won't, so stick around for a few parts over the course of the next few days, but I'll do my best to highlight everything in the best chronological order that I can:
So four weeks ago I was in a bad place. My wife came home late one evening, with no phone call and was not in a position to drive. To say I was angry, dissappointed, and hurt are all understatements.
Despite my wife's earlier declaration that I never call her parents on matters such as these...I personally don't care. What is she going to withold intimacy from me? Well, our sex life is for crap anyway...so no loss on my end. She going to get more defensive and angry? Well, again...so what...she's already irrational and lives in a state of denial, so what does a guy who lives at the bottom of his own house have to lose?
Her mom came down the following day and with the support of my parents and my in-laws, I asked her to leave. My wife has a drinking problem, and although she can't admit it, other people are....except there in lies yet another problem. My wife surrounds herself with enablers. Most of her friends are on their second marriage, or seperated, in broken relationships with children, or never settled down. And here I sit...the un-fun guy (who used to be a lot of fun some would say) who found God. Darkness doesn't like the light because the light has a tendancy to expose, and no one (unless they are ready themselves) likes to be put in the spot light...exposed...naked...and take personal responsibility.
What ensued was not so pleasant a discussion, but thank goodness my mother-in-law stood beside me. As did my brother and sister in law. And my parents.
I was a little shocked on how many people on both sides of my family said it was time for a divorce....that I tried everything that I could, but I was clearly unhappy.....and a wreck...and going on for quite some time now.
I was getting advice from everyone except God, which led me to actually make an appointment with a lawyer. I had a consultation and I sat across from a female lawyer who after I explained everything, told me pretty confidently that I would win. I would keep 'my' house, not have to pay spousal support, she would have to assume her own debt, etc. etc.
If I were a 'soul-less' person,.....a person who didn't care,....I suppose I should be feeling elated....however, I was anything but giddy. I was miserable inside. I knew the next few weeks would be horrible, but I had visions in my head of living in 'our' house alone. How long could I swing this by myself? When would I 'need' to get a roommate? How would we divide the little stuff? The big stuff? I was also determined to keep 'my' dog, my very own slice of sanity that keeps me grounded.
I also had visions of dating again...but this time, making sure I'd be equally yoked. Was 5 months adequate? 6? 7? A year? Whoa...I'm getting ahead of myself, but I couldn't help but wonder what being married to someone else sometime down the line would feel like. Problem is, no matter how unhappy I am, I'm still in love (I don't know why) with my wife, and even though God has been silent, I felt I was letting Him down....that I couldn't keep His promise of 'for better or for worse'. God doesn't bless a marriage that is not biblical, but when we got married I though my wife was more biblical...and I thought I was moreso as well. The truth is, we were both secular, it was only later on I would re-discover God (and even today it can be a struggle).
How could I face my friends? My family? My neighbors? My church? Not only did I let them all down, but myself, and of course God.
Then those closest to me started to explain that God would forgive me. He wanted me to be happy. That it was 'okay' to leave my wife and time heals all wounds. Some of this advice came from other Christians.
But no matter how crappy I feel. No matter how many tears I shed, how many times I felt alone, how many times I didn't want to go home, or even wake up....it just didn't feel right.
And then God finally sent me a message.
No it wasn't audible. No booming voice. No physical touch on the head. No burning bush, or outline of Christ in my toast.
It came like this:
I was an email away from filing for speration. I was expecting the documents to come in the mail that day as a matter of fact. I turned on the radio on my way to work to a Christian station, and the message was all about (drum roll)....Marriage. Almost verbatim, word-for-word, the pastor spoke everything that I was feeling at that time, and told me that I was doing a diservice to God if I, as a Christian, left my wife. It was more complex that that, but that 30 minutes (the time it takes me to drive from my house to my job) this stranger ministered directly to ME.
It was then about an hour later that my own minister, from my own church called me on my cell phone and told me he was praying for me. He asked me what was going on, and I explained the events of the previous few days, and right then and there he spoke to me about marriage. "It's a marathon, not a sprint." My minister also echoed the sentiments of the radio host, and the coincidence of these two events with an hour of each other the day I was going to file papers was uncanny. I would also later learn that the lawyer got my email address wrong, and the paper work was bounced back.
Divine intervention?
Well, only God truly knows that, but I'd like to think my back was up against the wall...I was ready to sign...ready to divorce...ready to plunge my life in uncertainity with the hopes that 'someday' I might come out on the other end....happier.
That was 4 weeks ago as I write this, and it hasn't been a box of chocolates or a bed of roses since then, but things have gotten interesting....
(to be continued)
The last four weeks has been all over the place. Some ups and downs (mostly downs), but I sit here today, now this afternoon in a state of reserved peace. Actually it's good I've been distracted the last few hours, as earlier this morning I was feeling quite anxious and irritable.
I'm not sure I'll be able to get everything that happened the last 4 weeks into this post...as a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I won't, so stick around for a few parts over the course of the next few days, but I'll do my best to highlight everything in the best chronological order that I can:
So four weeks ago I was in a bad place. My wife came home late one evening, with no phone call and was not in a position to drive. To say I was angry, dissappointed, and hurt are all understatements.
Despite my wife's earlier declaration that I never call her parents on matters such as these...I personally don't care. What is she going to withold intimacy from me? Well, our sex life is for crap anyway...so no loss on my end. She going to get more defensive and angry? Well, again...so what...she's already irrational and lives in a state of denial, so what does a guy who lives at the bottom of his own house have to lose?
Her mom came down the following day and with the support of my parents and my in-laws, I asked her to leave. My wife has a drinking problem, and although she can't admit it, other people are....except there in lies yet another problem. My wife surrounds herself with enablers. Most of her friends are on their second marriage, or seperated, in broken relationships with children, or never settled down. And here I sit...the un-fun guy (who used to be a lot of fun some would say) who found God. Darkness doesn't like the light because the light has a tendancy to expose, and no one (unless they are ready themselves) likes to be put in the spot light...exposed...naked...and take personal responsibility.
What ensued was not so pleasant a discussion, but thank goodness my mother-in-law stood beside me. As did my brother and sister in law. And my parents.
I was a little shocked on how many people on both sides of my family said it was time for a divorce....that I tried everything that I could, but I was clearly unhappy.....and a wreck...and going on for quite some time now.
I was getting advice from everyone except God, which led me to actually make an appointment with a lawyer. I had a consultation and I sat across from a female lawyer who after I explained everything, told me pretty confidently that I would win. I would keep 'my' house, not have to pay spousal support, she would have to assume her own debt, etc. etc.
If I were a 'soul-less' person,.....a person who didn't care,....I suppose I should be feeling elated....however, I was anything but giddy. I was miserable inside. I knew the next few weeks would be horrible, but I had visions in my head of living in 'our' house alone. How long could I swing this by myself? When would I 'need' to get a roommate? How would we divide the little stuff? The big stuff? I was also determined to keep 'my' dog, my very own slice of sanity that keeps me grounded.
I also had visions of dating again...but this time, making sure I'd be equally yoked. Was 5 months adequate? 6? 7? A year? Whoa...I'm getting ahead of myself, but I couldn't help but wonder what being married to someone else sometime down the line would feel like. Problem is, no matter how unhappy I am, I'm still in love (I don't know why) with my wife, and even though God has been silent, I felt I was letting Him down....that I couldn't keep His promise of 'for better or for worse'. God doesn't bless a marriage that is not biblical, but when we got married I though my wife was more biblical...and I thought I was moreso as well. The truth is, we were both secular, it was only later on I would re-discover God (and even today it can be a struggle).
How could I face my friends? My family? My neighbors? My church? Not only did I let them all down, but myself, and of course God.
Then those closest to me started to explain that God would forgive me. He wanted me to be happy. That it was 'okay' to leave my wife and time heals all wounds. Some of this advice came from other Christians.
But no matter how crappy I feel. No matter how many tears I shed, how many times I felt alone, how many times I didn't want to go home, or even wake up....it just didn't feel right.
And then God finally sent me a message.
No it wasn't audible. No booming voice. No physical touch on the head. No burning bush, or outline of Christ in my toast.
It came like this:
I was an email away from filing for speration. I was expecting the documents to come in the mail that day as a matter of fact. I turned on the radio on my way to work to a Christian station, and the message was all about (drum roll)....Marriage. Almost verbatim, word-for-word, the pastor spoke everything that I was feeling at that time, and told me that I was doing a diservice to God if I, as a Christian, left my wife. It was more complex that that, but that 30 minutes (the time it takes me to drive from my house to my job) this stranger ministered directly to ME.
It was then about an hour later that my own minister, from my own church called me on my cell phone and told me he was praying for me. He asked me what was going on, and I explained the events of the previous few days, and right then and there he spoke to me about marriage. "It's a marathon, not a sprint." My minister also echoed the sentiments of the radio host, and the coincidence of these two events with an hour of each other the day I was going to file papers was uncanny. I would also later learn that the lawyer got my email address wrong, and the paper work was bounced back.
Divine intervention?
Well, only God truly knows that, but I'd like to think my back was up against the wall...I was ready to sign...ready to divorce...ready to plunge my life in uncertainity with the hopes that 'someday' I might come out on the other end....happier.
That was 4 weeks ago as I write this, and it hasn't been a box of chocolates or a bed of roses since then, but things have gotten interesting....
(to be continued)
March 31, 2011
Therapy, Part Duex
Well, I've been back on my anti-depressants for just over two weeks now (although I did forget to take one this morning), and I'm not sure they have kicked in or not. This past week especially I've had a lot of physical anxiety, precursor to a full fledged panic attack, on at least three seperate days now. This past Saturday was the worst where I broke down and took a pill to combat the feeling. Otherwise a steady stream of exercising, breathing exercises, and intense prayer only seem to have a temporary effect on me. My birthday sucked. That was two weeks ago, and for those that are wondering....no, I did not get anything, not even a card from my wife. On the 17th, instead of drinking green beer and 'whupping' it up at any watering hole, I was instead at therapy. I planned on an hour session and it came to be closer to an hour and half, maybe slightly more. There was a lot of self-pity and crying, but it felt good to get it out. The therapist gave me a book to borrow, "Don't seat the small stuff: For couples". The following few days, I devoured that book and it made a lot of sense....in the moment. But as is usually the case, mere hours after a temporary reprieve, I start feeling crappy again, a small ball of anxiety and sadness manifesting within my chest....sometime making it uncomfortable to breathe. I've realized I am so scared of rejection...of being alone...of taking the steps to start over yet again. Whereas divorce never entered my vocabulary a few years ago, the thought is populating my head more and more often. I have so much love to give someone, and the desire to share and to be wanted by my wife or anyone. I'm a decent looking guy. I actually got hit on the other day and it made me feel good, but then again, it wasn't my wife...the person I swore "For better or for worse, till death do us part". I know I could remarry...someday....but I don't want to. I don't understand why my wife is so hot and cold. After my session, the therapist asked me to ask my wife to attend the following week. To my surprise, my wife agreed. However, the session did not go as I envisioned it. I really...honestly....really tried to steer away from financial talk, but the therapist sensed a hot button and pushed. Once again, my (or our) hour session went almost 2 full hours with me crumbling near the end and realizing how resentful my wife is when it comes to the topic of money. But everytime I hear my wife explain or attempt to talk about it, I am always in utter shock on how much denial she is in when it comes to her part and responsibility for 'our' current situation. Even the therapist tried to point things out to her, but she wasn't hearing it, or if she was, it was in one ear and out the other. We are supposed to go again today at 5:30 and I'm looking forward to it. Just so I can release again. Hopefully my wife remembers. We were given a HW assignment from the therapist this past week. We were supposed to write each other a note everyday and place it for the other to find. A compliment. A word of encouragement. A loving word. I managed to do it 3 times for my wife. She never acknowledged any of them. In return she never wrote me one note. I'm hurt. This morning I awoke early from stress. I laid in bed, my eyes once again filling up with tears. I tried to hide them by washing my face with a wash cloth. My wife never noticed. Now that I sit and write this entry and look back over the past two weeks, I realize how hard I have tried...........and how little my wife has, if at all. I can't continue like this. Perhaps I do need to call that lawyer afterall next week. God...I hate my life right now again.
March 16, 2011
Birthday Blues
Today is my birthday.
And I feel sick to my stomach.
I took my pill this morning (Day 4), and have discovered my emotions are still stronger that the medication that most likely hasn't yet kicked in, and once I found myself in my car driving to work, couldn't help but have my eyes well up.
My wife got up slightly before me, (she rarely does), and by some small wishful fantasy of mine, I thought perhaps she might have gotten up early to put out a birthday card or present for me.
That wasn't the case. As I came downstairs to a pot of coffee I did get a "Happy Birthday" from her, and a peck of a kiss......but no card....and no present.
As long as I'm feeling sorry for myself, let me also say I received no email, card, or call from my step-daughter either. Still awaiting the 'thank you' for the present I sent her last month.
Really? Wow, why am I not surprised.
The day is still early, and I'd like to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I'm being very premature. Perhaps there will be a card waiting for me later tonight, maybe not. I don know she has told me that she has a softball game this evening at 7:30, so the earliest she will be home is around 8:45. There are no indications of any planned festivities this weekend and I suppose that's weighing on my mind as well. My wife planned on going to her sister's for dinner this upcoming Sunday and then my parents invited us both out to dinner for my birthday. I told my wife she was invited out with my parents, but instead of saying "okay, I'll call my sister and reschedule for another time.", I instead got....nothing. Yup...nothing.
I don't want to call my birthday a 'test', but in a way it is. I can honestly see where I rank, and it's not very high by my observations.
So do I continue to pray to God and hope this gets better...some day? Will that day be in a month? A year? A decade? I'm not sure I can last that long or want to wait that long any more.
The more and more I think about everything, and if I am really honest with myself, I don't have a partner in the biblical sense and more and more both my family and friends are telling me and have been telling me I'm getting walked on. So why don't I have a spine?
It's because I'm a dreamer. I want to be in-love. I want a real marriage, a real partner, a real best friend, a real person I can grow old with who respects me. I honestly don't feel I have that, nor do I feel I am going to get that anytime soon.
My biggest fear in all of this: being labeled a failure, another statistic, a man with baggage. I fear for losing my house, something I've tried so hard to keep and fought so hard for to keep us above water.
My inlaws, whom I have a great relationship with, are out of town for the next 2 weeks, and I really feel strongly that I need to see them on my own as a sit down as well as my own parents and explain my thoughts, concerns, and issues, so that if I do indeed decide to move forward in seeking legal counsel that this doesn't take them by surprise. I know for a fact my wife will be livid when she finds out I spoke to her parents and mine, but I really don't see any other option at this point and believe me, it won't be the first time she gets mad at me and gives me the silent treatment.
I see my counsler tonight. Did I already mention that? Yeah, I'm seeing one on my birthday to let it all out. I have no other plans anyway...apparently. I pary to God for a miracle, but to be honest, my prayers have pretty much have gone un-answered for quite some time now, so I don't have a lot of faith for divine intervention right about now, and that really sucks and makes me feel bad too. Chalk that up as a 'spiritual' failure in my book.
I do have a friend taking me out to lunch today and I've already shared much of this with him. He's a good guy and probably my best friend these days. But after lunch, I don't know if I can come back to work today. I'm just not 'feeling' it. I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have no desire to really interact with anyone else for fear of myself having a meltdown.
That's all for now.
And I feel sick to my stomach.
I took my pill this morning (Day 4), and have discovered my emotions are still stronger that the medication that most likely hasn't yet kicked in, and once I found myself in my car driving to work, couldn't help but have my eyes well up.
My wife got up slightly before me, (she rarely does), and by some small wishful fantasy of mine, I thought perhaps she might have gotten up early to put out a birthday card or present for me.
That wasn't the case. As I came downstairs to a pot of coffee I did get a "Happy Birthday" from her, and a peck of a kiss......but no card....and no present.
As long as I'm feeling sorry for myself, let me also say I received no email, card, or call from my step-daughter either. Still awaiting the 'thank you' for the present I sent her last month.
Really? Wow, why am I not surprised.
The day is still early, and I'd like to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I'm being very premature. Perhaps there will be a card waiting for me later tonight, maybe not. I don know she has told me that she has a softball game this evening at 7:30, so the earliest she will be home is around 8:45. There are no indications of any planned festivities this weekend and I suppose that's weighing on my mind as well. My wife planned on going to her sister's for dinner this upcoming Sunday and then my parents invited us both out to dinner for my birthday. I told my wife she was invited out with my parents, but instead of saying "okay, I'll call my sister and reschedule for another time.", I instead got....nothing. Yup...nothing.
I don't want to call my birthday a 'test', but in a way it is. I can honestly see where I rank, and it's not very high by my observations.
So do I continue to pray to God and hope this gets better...some day? Will that day be in a month? A year? A decade? I'm not sure I can last that long or want to wait that long any more.
The more and more I think about everything, and if I am really honest with myself, I don't have a partner in the biblical sense and more and more both my family and friends are telling me and have been telling me I'm getting walked on. So why don't I have a spine?
It's because I'm a dreamer. I want to be in-love. I want a real marriage, a real partner, a real best friend, a real person I can grow old with who respects me. I honestly don't feel I have that, nor do I feel I am going to get that anytime soon.
My biggest fear in all of this: being labeled a failure, another statistic, a man with baggage. I fear for losing my house, something I've tried so hard to keep and fought so hard for to keep us above water.
My inlaws, whom I have a great relationship with, are out of town for the next 2 weeks, and I really feel strongly that I need to see them on my own as a sit down as well as my own parents and explain my thoughts, concerns, and issues, so that if I do indeed decide to move forward in seeking legal counsel that this doesn't take them by surprise. I know for a fact my wife will be livid when she finds out I spoke to her parents and mine, but I really don't see any other option at this point and believe me, it won't be the first time she gets mad at me and gives me the silent treatment.
I see my counsler tonight. Did I already mention that? Yeah, I'm seeing one on my birthday to let it all out. I have no other plans anyway...apparently. I pary to God for a miracle, but to be honest, my prayers have pretty much have gone un-answered for quite some time now, so I don't have a lot of faith for divine intervention right about now, and that really sucks and makes me feel bad too. Chalk that up as a 'spiritual' failure in my book.
I do have a friend taking me out to lunch today and I've already shared much of this with him. He's a good guy and probably my best friend these days. But after lunch, I don't know if I can come back to work today. I'm just not 'feeling' it. I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have no desire to really interact with anyone else for fear of myself having a meltdown.
That's all for now.
March 15, 2011
Meds- Day 4
Today is day 4 on my 20mg of Citropram.....and I feel okay.
I'm not nearly as emotional as I was yesterday. I'm surprised I survived a whole day of work without anyone noticing what a basket case I was. However, towards the end of the day, my chest was a little sore, like the onset of a panic attack that never took hold. Just a light ache when I took deep breaths.
And strangely, my wife was very nice and chatty and even somewhat loving towards me last night. Basically almost a 180 from a few days before. Probably one of the reasons relationships drive me nuts. (sometimes I wonder if she actually the bipolar one and not me, or maybe we both are and I'm the only one who knows)
I met her after work at the bowling alley and was greeted by not only a kiss from her, but her team mates all commented on how good I'm starting to look now that I've dropped 20lbs. Yup, I weighed in this morning at 217, down from 237 almost 2 months ago. It was an ego boost to my soul that people are noticing and asking me what I'm doing....so that was my bright spot of the day.
I have selected the 'in-network' therapist out of my own personal financial concerns and will have my 1st visit with her tomorrow, Wed., at 5:30pm. Depending on how it goes, I have chosen the first female therapist as a backup and have a tentative appointment Saturday morning as a back-up plan. She seemed to give me a better vibe over the phone in our brief phone conversation.
Took my gym clothes today so I will be hitting the gym after work, at least to ride the bike. Started the morning with my wife 'touching' me in bed...nothing sexual...just placed her hand on me and for the first time in months I didn't want the moment to end. Had a good cup of coffee and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and so far work is 'okay' today.
Someone recommended that I read the book of Proverbs yesterday. I tried reading chapter 1 & 2, but I just couldn't focus. It just wasn't making sense, but then again, nothing was yesterday.
I'm not nearly as emotional as I was yesterday. I'm surprised I survived a whole day of work without anyone noticing what a basket case I was. However, towards the end of the day, my chest was a little sore, like the onset of a panic attack that never took hold. Just a light ache when I took deep breaths.
And strangely, my wife was very nice and chatty and even somewhat loving towards me last night. Basically almost a 180 from a few days before. Probably one of the reasons relationships drive me nuts. (sometimes I wonder if she actually the bipolar one and not me, or maybe we both are and I'm the only one who knows)
I met her after work at the bowling alley and was greeted by not only a kiss from her, but her team mates all commented on how good I'm starting to look now that I've dropped 20lbs. Yup, I weighed in this morning at 217, down from 237 almost 2 months ago. It was an ego boost to my soul that people are noticing and asking me what I'm doing....so that was my bright spot of the day.
I have selected the 'in-network' therapist out of my own personal financial concerns and will have my 1st visit with her tomorrow, Wed., at 5:30pm. Depending on how it goes, I have chosen the first female therapist as a backup and have a tentative appointment Saturday morning as a back-up plan. She seemed to give me a better vibe over the phone in our brief phone conversation.
Took my gym clothes today so I will be hitting the gym after work, at least to ride the bike. Started the morning with my wife 'touching' me in bed...nothing sexual...just placed her hand on me and for the first time in months I didn't want the moment to end. Had a good cup of coffee and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and so far work is 'okay' today.
Someone recommended that I read the book of Proverbs yesterday. I tried reading chapter 1 & 2, but I just couldn't focus. It just wasn't making sense, but then again, nothing was yesterday.
March 14, 2011
Trying out Therapists
What an awkward and uncomfortable process.
Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.
Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.
Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.
The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.
The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.
Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.
Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"
Bah....this whole process sucks.
Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.
Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.
Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.
The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.
The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.
Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.
Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"
Bah....this whole process sucks.
Falling
I'm starting to exhibit the signs of a mini-meltdown again, and the last few days have been increasingly hard for me to feel any source of positive emotions.
Perhaps the trigger was the dealings of my wife mid-last week. A lot had to do with the fact she said I wasn't showing my step-daughter any respect, and I had, and still am for that matter, able to digest and find truth in this. Maybe it's the fact my wife has now left the door open for my step-daughter to possibly come back....a source of tension for everyone involved. My wife and her daughter have a love/hate relationship and the cloud of darkness at times in the house is palpable.
Perhaps it the fact my birthday is coming up in a few days and we have no plans, or at least I take it as my wife has made no plans to celebrate it and instead invited her friends to our house next Saturday.
Perhaps it the lack of any real sex-life as of late.
Or is it the threat of another layoff any day, and our still 'head-just-above-water' financial status.
My mother gave me a lecture or dressing down yesterday over the phone as well in reagrds to fixing a leaky sinkin my house. Apprantly my 'priorities' are all wrong and she's very disapointed in me.
Needless to say, I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of grief that I cannot control.
I chose not to go to church this past weekend. As a matter of fact, it took all my energy to get out of the house to go to the gym yesterday and even more so this morning to get ready for work. I realize I'm not happy at work. I loathe it, but bills need to get paid.
Last night my wife informed me we were going to her sister's house for dinner. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 40 minutes away, and these dinners always seem to be hours on end. I like my sister and brother in law...I do. But Sunday nights (a work night) is not my cup of tea to have yet another 4.5 hour outing. And now my wife informed me last night that she will be having dinner with her family on Sundays from now on for the foreseeable future. I am welcome to go and invited, but I just can't see meyslef doing this every Sunday. I get burnt out on all the nonsense.
So my wife is out Monday's, out Wedensday, and now Sunday evenings as well. I can't get her to even spend 1.5 with me at church. It seems the only thing my wife wants to be involved with anymore and invite me if there is alcohol involved. That may not be a fair statement, but that what it seems like to me.
And let's not even get me started on that damn Facebook. She can bury herself in that for hours at a time and I'm learning to despise her friends a little more each time. I'm becoming envious that they are effectively taking up more time than our own relationship.
The strange thing that throws me for a loop is she does says she loves me and she does kiss me, but it seems our passion is gone. If one were to ask me anymore, I could not say for certainty that she is still 'in love' love with me and that hurts.
So the last few days my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've taking a 1 mg Clonzapam to calm me down and I wonder if they are losing their potency sitting in the medicine cabinet, because they just don't seem like they kick in as quickly as I remember.
I also started (day 3) of my Citropram (anti-depressant) but it's going to take a few more days for them to kick in as well.
I cried this morning.
And once again I wondered and got deathly scared of the word 'divorce'. I don't want to lose my house, and freindships, and I loathe confrontation, but I am not a happy person.
My 'Taking it Back' strategy seemed to work in other areas, like getting me productive in losing weight and kick-starting my hobbies, but it hasn't helped me emotionally.
Today I got a list of therapsists that deal with marriage therapy, anxiety and panic disorders, depression, etc. I made a call and left a message to a new female Dr. near my house and I suppose I'm waiting for a call back. I did tell my wife this morning that I need to see a counsler and there really wasn't a notable response back, but I thought I'd let her know anyway.
I have 10 more months on my car payment and I wonder if I can stick it out. The whole idea of selling the house (and taking a loss), packing and moving into a condo, or asking my wife to leave just seems so unreal to me, but it's been part of my thought process the last few days. More than ever I've been thinking about a new partner, someone who actually wants to be my equal, someone who also has a priority for God as well.
My wife has all this potential now, thus the reason I married her and fell in love with her in the first place.....but as a friend recently told me, "she's lost", and all my prayers and dilligence don't seem to be making a dent.
Perhaps the trigger was the dealings of my wife mid-last week. A lot had to do with the fact she said I wasn't showing my step-daughter any respect, and I had, and still am for that matter, able to digest and find truth in this. Maybe it's the fact my wife has now left the door open for my step-daughter to possibly come back....a source of tension for everyone involved. My wife and her daughter have a love/hate relationship and the cloud of darkness at times in the house is palpable.
Perhaps it the fact my birthday is coming up in a few days and we have no plans, or at least I take it as my wife has made no plans to celebrate it and instead invited her friends to our house next Saturday.
Perhaps it the lack of any real sex-life as of late.
Or is it the threat of another layoff any day, and our still 'head-just-above-water' financial status.
My mother gave me a lecture or dressing down yesterday over the phone as well in reagrds to fixing a leaky sinkin my house. Apprantly my 'priorities' are all wrong and she's very disapointed in me.
Needless to say, I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of grief that I cannot control.
I chose not to go to church this past weekend. As a matter of fact, it took all my energy to get out of the house to go to the gym yesterday and even more so this morning to get ready for work. I realize I'm not happy at work. I loathe it, but bills need to get paid.
Last night my wife informed me we were going to her sister's house for dinner. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 40 minutes away, and these dinners always seem to be hours on end. I like my sister and brother in law...I do. But Sunday nights (a work night) is not my cup of tea to have yet another 4.5 hour outing. And now my wife informed me last night that she will be having dinner with her family on Sundays from now on for the foreseeable future. I am welcome to go and invited, but I just can't see meyslef doing this every Sunday. I get burnt out on all the nonsense.
So my wife is out Monday's, out Wedensday, and now Sunday evenings as well. I can't get her to even spend 1.5 with me at church. It seems the only thing my wife wants to be involved with anymore and invite me if there is alcohol involved. That may not be a fair statement, but that what it seems like to me.
And let's not even get me started on that damn Facebook. She can bury herself in that for hours at a time and I'm learning to despise her friends a little more each time. I'm becoming envious that they are effectively taking up more time than our own relationship.
The strange thing that throws me for a loop is she does says she loves me and she does kiss me, but it seems our passion is gone. If one were to ask me anymore, I could not say for certainty that she is still 'in love' love with me and that hurts.
So the last few days my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've taking a 1 mg Clonzapam to calm me down and I wonder if they are losing their potency sitting in the medicine cabinet, because they just don't seem like they kick in as quickly as I remember.
I also started (day 3) of my Citropram (anti-depressant) but it's going to take a few more days for them to kick in as well.
I cried this morning.
And once again I wondered and got deathly scared of the word 'divorce'. I don't want to lose my house, and freindships, and I loathe confrontation, but I am not a happy person.
My 'Taking it Back' strategy seemed to work in other areas, like getting me productive in losing weight and kick-starting my hobbies, but it hasn't helped me emotionally.
Today I got a list of therapsists that deal with marriage therapy, anxiety and panic disorders, depression, etc. I made a call and left a message to a new female Dr. near my house and I suppose I'm waiting for a call back. I did tell my wife this morning that I need to see a counsler and there really wasn't a notable response back, but I thought I'd let her know anyway.
I have 10 more months on my car payment and I wonder if I can stick it out. The whole idea of selling the house (and taking a loss), packing and moving into a condo, or asking my wife to leave just seems so unreal to me, but it's been part of my thought process the last few days. More than ever I've been thinking about a new partner, someone who actually wants to be my equal, someone who also has a priority for God as well.
My wife has all this potential now, thus the reason I married her and fell in love with her in the first place.....but as a friend recently told me, "she's lost", and all my prayers and dilligence don't seem to be making a dent.
March 11, 2011
Two posts, One day
It's nearing 5 o'clock, and while I've kept myself distracted for the most part of the day, I can't help but circle back around to what happened last night/this morning and feel just as confused all these hours later.
:Interupt:
I just got a text message from my wife. She says she is going to hang out with a friend of hers and will be home later.
I suppose that saves me some awkwardness when I get home. I guess I'll head to the gym again, ride the bike, lift some weights, burn some negative energy, and go home.
Weird, the friend she's about to go see is a friend I spoke to earlier about our issues. This friend I can usually trust in 100% confidence not to share anything with my wife, so I'm not too worried (although there's always a chance I could get the shit torn out of me later when I'm just minding my own business). Anyway, the friend knows how I feel and may be able to calm my wife down in her own way.
I still feel a bit anxious. Not sure if it's reaction to the pill this morning, or my emotions are still flared up, or a combo of both. Probably the later. My wife needs some space and nothing good could come of us seeing each other right now. Here's to hoping her friend talks some sense into her and points out that me, the husband, isn't the only person who thinks certain things.
Okay....I'm off to try and work out my nerves.
And you're right....this is no Japan...and I need to remind myself of that.
:Interupt:
I just got a text message from my wife. She says she is going to hang out with a friend of hers and will be home later.
I suppose that saves me some awkwardness when I get home. I guess I'll head to the gym again, ride the bike, lift some weights, burn some negative energy, and go home.
Weird, the friend she's about to go see is a friend I spoke to earlier about our issues. This friend I can usually trust in 100% confidence not to share anything with my wife, so I'm not too worried (although there's always a chance I could get the shit torn out of me later when I'm just minding my own business). Anyway, the friend knows how I feel and may be able to calm my wife down in her own way.
I still feel a bit anxious. Not sure if it's reaction to the pill this morning, or my emotions are still flared up, or a combo of both. Probably the later. My wife needs some space and nothing good could come of us seeing each other right now. Here's to hoping her friend talks some sense into her and points out that me, the husband, isn't the only person who thinks certain things.
Okay....I'm off to try and work out my nerves.
And you're right....this is no Japan...and I need to remind myself of that.
"You don't treat her like a daughter"
Well, my evening got worse last night....and no matter how bad I was tempted (and believe me I was), I cut the impending argument off at the pass and just excused myself to our room at 10pm.
As I mentioned yesterday, the previous few weeks seem to have been okay. Wife and I had been getting along, but then there is always that calm before the storm.
It appears my step-daughter who recently moved out 6 weeks ago is having 'social problems' in her new environment. I kinda predicted this months ago and warned and warned and warned to both my wife and my step-daughter this was a mistake. But my step-daughter is stubborn and she 'had to get out and be with her friends.'
I had a feeling that tiem had passed for many of these teenagers and it wasn't going to be like highschool anymore. They will have jobs, and boyfriends and girlfriends, and college, and want to move away from that town themselves. I said to my wife "Mark my words....The first 2-3 weeks it will be fun, but by week 4 the novelty will wear off and her friends won't be as accessible and in two months she'll be calling us up to move back in."
I clearly remember sitting my step-daughter down and talking to her, warning her of this, etc., etc., etc. But she was determined. So I said to my wife and daughter, "If she goes, she needs to stick it out for at least 6 months." My step-daughter has a history of quitting, and most of the problems she has today is because everyone in her family makes excuses for her time and time again. How does one learn from their mistakes or learn to pick themselves up off the ground if she never experiences her own personal responsibility?
Needless to say, I guess after 6 weeks out in the wild, she's hinted that life is not all what its cracked up to be. So of course, instead of words of encourgement, my wife has already basically caved "If it gets too bad, you can come home."
WHAT?? No one has discussed this with me. I wasn't part of this, and I'll be honest, my house is much less stressful, and much more clean. Bills have gone down.. My TV is actually my TV again. There are no radical mood swings, dirty dishes piling up, and the feeling of anybody walking on egg shells.
Smash cut to last night:
I was sitting watching the TV by myself and I heard my wife talking to her ex. Come to find out my step-daughter lied to us. She not living with an older married couple and their kid as she once explained to me. She living with un-married teenagers and their brand new baby!! Oh great. To top it off, many of her 'friends' are no longer available to her, and her 'best' friend I guess told her to take a hike recently after she herself just had an abortion. Oh.....my.....God.
After the call, I asked my wife what was going on, and she told me. I said, remember...we agreed...6 months. She has to stick this through.
The next thing I heard was:
"You do not repsect her or treat her like a daughter."
Stunned to say the least.
I let her in my house, basically rent free, shuttle her to and from school, take care of her meals and everything else. All I asked for in return was to walk the dog 2x a week (to relieve me), and keep her room clean. She failed at these simple tasks. I never spanked her, new restricted her, only took her PC away from her once for lying to me for two weeks. I recently sent her money for her B-day, and to this day I have not received a call or a thank-you.
And I don't show her respect?
I could feel the ire welling up within me. Wanting to avoid any blow-out and sensing anxiety, I took a Clonzapam to calm me down. Too bad it's not instant. I went to bed without saying goodnight to my wife.
This morning, my wife had a major attitude towards me. Cold shoulder and infifference. Seriously? "What did I do?", I asked. She just went on and on on how I'm not a good step-father, never bonding with her daughter, again, not showing her respect.
"So this is all my fault? My fault she can't get along with people? My fault she ran off despite all my warnings? My fault she dropped out of school? My fault she's lazy and quits everything? My fault no one can tell she's telling the truth or not depending on the subject? Oh, this is just rich..."
I'm summing it all up. There was a lot more said by both of us, and I look back, and honestly, I still don't know what started it and how it got directed back to me. I'm livid right now. I ended up taking my 'happy pill' today, and forsee me starting a new regime over the next few weeks to mellow me out.
I won't lie. Today on my drive to work, all I could think about is divorce. I have tried, and tried, and tried. My wife...and I do love her....lives in her own world and is in so much denial...about everything....I can't even begin to to want to choose an area to work on. In my car today I listened to Christian radio and prayed feverently. Yes, I'm mad right now. I'm actually very hurt. Consider my b-day screwed to the point I don't even want to be around right now, and in that 1% chance my wife even tries to make ammends (she won't), I'm not in the mood to be receptive.
Hopefully this will all blow over, and I suppose my own emotions are super high right now. But I can't help but think I made a huge mistake 7 years ago. I'm having these visions (seriously) of being married to someone else, raising a child with a loving wife who is committed to marriage, family, and Christ....first.
It's really sad......very, very sad....my marriage right now is just an exercise in complacency and going through the motions. It's so hard to be in love with someone when you know they really don't love you back the same way.
As I mentioned yesterday, the previous few weeks seem to have been okay. Wife and I had been getting along, but then there is always that calm before the storm.
It appears my step-daughter who recently moved out 6 weeks ago is having 'social problems' in her new environment. I kinda predicted this months ago and warned and warned and warned to both my wife and my step-daughter this was a mistake. But my step-daughter is stubborn and she 'had to get out and be with her friends.'
I had a feeling that tiem had passed for many of these teenagers and it wasn't going to be like highschool anymore. They will have jobs, and boyfriends and girlfriends, and college, and want to move away from that town themselves. I said to my wife "Mark my words....The first 2-3 weeks it will be fun, but by week 4 the novelty will wear off and her friends won't be as accessible and in two months she'll be calling us up to move back in."
I clearly remember sitting my step-daughter down and talking to her, warning her of this, etc., etc., etc. But she was determined. So I said to my wife and daughter, "If she goes, she needs to stick it out for at least 6 months." My step-daughter has a history of quitting, and most of the problems she has today is because everyone in her family makes excuses for her time and time again. How does one learn from their mistakes or learn to pick themselves up off the ground if she never experiences her own personal responsibility?
Needless to say, I guess after 6 weeks out in the wild, she's hinted that life is not all what its cracked up to be. So of course, instead of words of encourgement, my wife has already basically caved "If it gets too bad, you can come home."
WHAT?? No one has discussed this with me. I wasn't part of this, and I'll be honest, my house is much less stressful, and much more clean. Bills have gone down.. My TV is actually my TV again. There are no radical mood swings, dirty dishes piling up, and the feeling of anybody walking on egg shells.
Smash cut to last night:
I was sitting watching the TV by myself and I heard my wife talking to her ex. Come to find out my step-daughter lied to us. She not living with an older married couple and their kid as she once explained to me. She living with un-married teenagers and their brand new baby!! Oh great. To top it off, many of her 'friends' are no longer available to her, and her 'best' friend I guess told her to take a hike recently after she herself just had an abortion. Oh.....my.....God.
After the call, I asked my wife what was going on, and she told me. I said, remember...we agreed...6 months. She has to stick this through.
The next thing I heard was:
"You do not repsect her or treat her like a daughter."
Stunned to say the least.
I let her in my house, basically rent free, shuttle her to and from school, take care of her meals and everything else. All I asked for in return was to walk the dog 2x a week (to relieve me), and keep her room clean. She failed at these simple tasks. I never spanked her, new restricted her, only took her PC away from her once for lying to me for two weeks. I recently sent her money for her B-day, and to this day I have not received a call or a thank-you.
And I don't show her respect?
I could feel the ire welling up within me. Wanting to avoid any blow-out and sensing anxiety, I took a Clonzapam to calm me down. Too bad it's not instant. I went to bed without saying goodnight to my wife.
This morning, my wife had a major attitude towards me. Cold shoulder and infifference. Seriously? "What did I do?", I asked. She just went on and on on how I'm not a good step-father, never bonding with her daughter, again, not showing her respect.
"So this is all my fault? My fault she can't get along with people? My fault she ran off despite all my warnings? My fault she dropped out of school? My fault she's lazy and quits everything? My fault no one can tell she's telling the truth or not depending on the subject? Oh, this is just rich..."
I'm summing it all up. There was a lot more said by both of us, and I look back, and honestly, I still don't know what started it and how it got directed back to me. I'm livid right now. I ended up taking my 'happy pill' today, and forsee me starting a new regime over the next few weeks to mellow me out.
I won't lie. Today on my drive to work, all I could think about is divorce. I have tried, and tried, and tried. My wife...and I do love her....lives in her own world and is in so much denial...about everything....I can't even begin to to want to choose an area to work on. In my car today I listened to Christian radio and prayed feverently. Yes, I'm mad right now. I'm actually very hurt. Consider my b-day screwed to the point I don't even want to be around right now, and in that 1% chance my wife even tries to make ammends (she won't), I'm not in the mood to be receptive.
Hopefully this will all blow over, and I suppose my own emotions are super high right now. But I can't help but think I made a huge mistake 7 years ago. I'm having these visions (seriously) of being married to someone else, raising a child with a loving wife who is committed to marriage, family, and Christ....first.
It's really sad......very, very sad....my marriage right now is just an exercise in complacency and going through the motions. It's so hard to be in love with someone when you know they really don't love you back the same way.
March 10, 2011
March check in
Can't believe it's already been just over a month since my last entry. Where does the time go?
A few quick updates first:
A few quick updates first:
- My train hobby is picking up 'steam' so to say. I have effectively built 85% of a 3.5' x 6.5' benchwork layout. I hope to complete this foundation in the next 2 weeks and get ready for the real fun: laying track. Too bad my wife, (as per usual) jumped to a massive conclusion about this before it was even close to being constructed. She got on my case about thinking it would end up in our 'guest bedroom' as a permanent fixture but I tried to explain I was 'temporarily' building it in there because of the lighting, solid hardwood floor and ample room to make construction and clean up easier. That was a 2 hour argument she started and already made up her mind before I was even done. Sucked for me, because in the end, it ended up in a different room anyway. I wish she's just keep things to herself at times until 'after' crap is finished....and save everyone a lot of energy, and feelings for stuff that didn't happen except in her head.
- Diet is stalled out. I've been hovering at 223lbs the last 2 weeks and can't seem to budge again, but I have plans on hitting the gym the next 4 days pretty hard.
- Been reading books like a madman. I read two books in totality over the last 4 weeks, and have already made considerable gains in 2 others I recently started.
- This upcoming weekend is the weekend me and some of my guy friends have set aside to make beer. This was one of my 'Taking it Back' tasks for 2011, and I hope to check it off this weekend. Alas, (I know this sucks in saying this), I wish my wife would chill out. Not to be out-done, because God forbid I do 'something' fun for once on my own, she's upping the ante like this is some kinda un-said competition and has proclaimed Girls Day Out this Saturday...yeah, like she ever needed to proclaim this. Whatever. I shouldn't care, but I'd be lying if I didn't thinks part of the reason she's doing this is to get under my skin. Maybe not so directly to my face, but the comment she made to a friend, "I need to get out of our town" just seemed childish. We just went away last weekend, and 2 weeks ago she went out to her friends, so I have no idea what the heck she's talking about...as if there is some ankle chain holding her down and can't breathe. Really?
- There's a shake up at my company yet again. President stepped down and we will get a new chief in 3 weeks. Great...this all coincides with the 'reumor' of layoffs for next week.
- My birthday is next week, mid week, and my wife announced that next Saturday she invited 'her' friends over to our house. Great....So my b-day weekend gets usurped by her social life. No wonder I've been moody the last few days. God, I sound like such a baby and so selfish, but yes, this stings a bit and perhaps has made me feel a bit more aggressive towards her the last few days.
- Or was it the fact she managed to bounce 3 checks last week?
- Or the fact the cable company called last night to inform us we're two months behind that I had no idea about because she normally takes care of this. But hey, she's got softball on Wed., and bowling on Monday, so of course she has no time for the actual responsibilities...like bills. That would get in the way of 'fun'.
You know, I'm just in a mood today. Looking back at these last few bullets...that's raw. I wasn't planning on that at all, but I'm not going to erase it. I've been holding this in the last few days and slowly simmering....not boiling though. I think I've learned that 'boiling' gets me nowhere but making myself sick. But it's all true....at least from MY perspective. I'm sure she'd have an answer or explanation for all these...and even though deep down I do care, I just can't muster up the energy to invest in listening to them...because to me, it's just blah, blah, blah...someone trying to justify things in their own mind to someone else to make themselves feel better or deflect the balme or responsibility, or whatever.
Sorry this post took a negative turn. Wasn't my intention.
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