A bit of a small entry today....basically I'm bored to death.
Our work is very slow this week. Calls are considerably down and a current re-re-review of our departmental budget has basically handcuffed my manager from making any progress whatsoever on any planned projects. Looks like we're all twiddling our thumbs which sucks because it makes for very long days. This is day number three in whcih we are all more or less staring at each other praying that the phone rings to give us something to do.
My wife told me she wants to play softball on Wed. nights now with a few of her friends at work. I really don't know how I feel about this. On one hand I look at it as just another night we're not together, her spending money we don't have, and possibly another excuse for her to have a drink mid-week now. The flip-side is I have the house to myself one extra night and not bothered where I could possibly work on my trains in peace, that she may be getting some exercise. To give her an ounce of credit, she did ask me if I wanted to play, but I think only really because they are desperate for people...I think as it stands they are short a few people for a whole team. And softball/baseball just isn't my thing.
My weigh-in this morning has me in at 225 on the nose, or down a total of 12 pounds. I can now tuck my shirt in my pants without trying to hide a little ponch, and now a few co-workers have noticed and said I look thinner in the face.
It is day two without my step-daughter, and I feel good. I did look in her vacant room today and noticed that even though I asked her a half a dozen times to make it spotless, and she promised me and assured me it would be....alas it's not. Clumps of 1/2 attempted piles of swept up debris in various spots. It's like she got distracted 1/2 way through, couldn't find a dustpan or the vacuum, so she just left it for us. It figures....and it's exactly what I expected and it pisses me off. I mentioned it to my wife this morning and she said "Well, it's as good as it gets for her." (Translation on how I understand it: Just another excuse and enablement from my wife to let her daughter do a half-assed job and no repercussions or responsibility.) This means I will clean it this weekend, if not tonight, and throw out anything left behind. I guess it makes me mad because I really feel my step-daughter took complete advantage of willingness to put her up when her dad kicked her out, and she has zero respect for me, my very lenient rules, and my house. No, I'm thinking I don't really miss her afterall and I will learn to relax more over time and feel comfortable in my own house. That room will be mine for my trains or storage....I don't care what my wife says.
Yeah, I sound a little cranky today. The last two nights I've been suffering some erratic sleep patterns and some disturbing dreams....bordering on full fledged nightmares. Anyway, I felt a little agitated this morning, slightly anxious, but nothing I can narrow it down to as the 'root' cause.
Still thinking about missing church this last weekend and feel guilty. However, unsure if the guilt is justified or not. Am I feeling guilty because I'm conditioned to believe that 2-3 hours a week are 'required' to be in God's grace, like it needs to be my works that grant me salvation, or, is my spirit really that hungry, and the restless sleep and nightmares a condition of the Enemy creeping in. And why do I analyze my personal theology and faith so much. I have OCD when it comes to my personal walk with Christ.
Knowing Christ and God and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be a blessing. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely under the microscope and that I am not worthy of Thier free gifts, and I'm trying to 'earn' my salvation. I know that's a big HUGE "No-No", but my mind gets the better of my heart more often than I would like to admit.
I think I may have to crack the New Testament later for some words of strength and encouragement.
3 comments:
2¢ on the softball thing... She asked. I wasn't there (obviously, right?), so I don't know about the spirit of the request, but it doesn't have to be your thing to have it be something fun that you do together... Waaay back in my college years we used to play sloshball... If I could remember how it was played - a side effect to the "slosh" portion of the game... Anyhow, it was about having fun with friends. And in your case, it'd be having fun with your wife... Knowing what did/didn't happen at the game & being able to talk about what a poor sport so&so is and so on... It's sort of an "in" if you will... It could be a lot of fun for you both, and if not, well, other things sometimes come up that relieve people of less than desirable commitments...
Thank you Anon....
You make a valid point. I may stop by and watch the earlier scheduled games (I am friends with many of the others on the team so I'm not worried about shennanigans of that sort, more about the post-game drinking and driving and money concerns).
I too remember 'slosh-ball' when I was in college (2nd base was often a pong-keg).
BTW...Thank you so much for commenting at times. It makes me feel good to know someone out there is reading the chaotic and slightly cohesive ramblings of a dude just trying to get a grip on life.
You're welcome... And really, we're all just trying to get a grip on it. :)
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