Yesterday, Sunday, I had all intentions of going to church. I got up early, had coffee, cleaned up, looked at the clock...and looked again....and waited...and looked again every few minutes.
Church begins at 9:30 and I never feel too bad for missing the first song. To be honest, I just can't ever seem to get into the 'worship' portion of our service which generally includes 4 songs. I feel bad for saying this, but I find them so lyrically repetitive and, um, 'corny' at times. It doesn't help that our band only seems to have a repetoire of what seems like 12 songs total, so in any given month, you may hear the same ones a few times. I generally just like the actual message or sermon to be quite frank.
By 9:45 I was of course late, and just seemed to look for an excuse not to go at this point, and I can't tell you why. So when my wife asked me to goes to Lowe's right then, I said 'Okay', and blew off church.
By 11am (which is the time our service normally ends), I was experiencing on-again, off-again feelings of guilt for not going. Part of me felt ashamed one minute for not spending an hour and a half with God, and then the next minute I was feeling okay. The best line I can think of (and it sounds like a lame excuse, I know...) is that I was burnt out yesterday. Sure, it's a selfish reason and doesn't make much sense to anyone other than the justification within my own head, but I guess I just didn't feel like going afterall. And I don't know why.
But here we are on Monday, and I still feel little stabs of guilt. Perhaps I am trying to hide from some sort of self-conviction. Maybe. With the whole neighbor sitation going on right now and some other stuff, I admit my thought process has been a little bleak and jaded.
In a strange moment of past reflection, it's almost as if I wish I were alone again. No contact from anyone...not because I feel depressed right now....it's liek I just need some quiet time to recharge my batteries. It was even a mental struggle this morning wanting to go to work. I'm actually fantasizing about just sitting home and reading a book in the backyard, playing hooky, and drinking some fresh ice-tea and breathing in the last of the warm summer air.
Do you guys ever feel that way? Not just about being burnt out from church, but maybe something bigger overall....like isolating yourself from the chaos and commotion of a busy lifestyle?
1 comment:
I follow my mood levels quite closely and have noticed, on a few occasions, where I prefer to be alone. This goes beyond my general nature to be a solitary person. It usually coincides with changes in my overall emotional level which may be very subtle. As an example, I may notice a change in my emotional level with a tearing of the eye or simply feeling emotional about something related to compassion.
I think it’s O.K. to have these occasional moments but you have to communicate it to those around you so you don’t hurt their feelings. Maybe something like, “I prefer to be alone at this time.” It should also be temporary and not used as an excuse to withdrawal or isolate your self from loved ones.
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