Recent Poll

I came across an interesting poll on CNN.com today:

Do you approach family holiday gatherings with (42826 votes so far) :

Dread 41% 17619 votes
Joyful anticipation 59% 25207 votes

That's actually quite sad. And I admit, I answered 'dread' myself.

The ideals of intimate family gatherings, relaxation, getting to know ones neighbors, and a reason to celebrate and exchange gifts has lost much of its meaning to many people, including myself.

When I was younger, there was always a magical feeling in the air when Thanksgiving and Christmas were upon us. As a child, I recall looking forward to grandparents visits, eating rich food, holiday TV specials, the smell of a pine tree, twinkling lights, eggnog, fresh cookies, and of course toys.

To me it meant time off from school, Twilight Zone marathons, chocolate candies, and fireplaces.

Sadly today I recognize now more than ever spirituality is at an all time lull. I crave getting to know Christ more and more, to recognize that this day symbolizes 'hope' for a doomed world, to be 'thankful' of what we do have and to cast our worries and troubles aside, at least for the duration of a good meal.

But now it seems I am spending time with people and relatives and neighbors who do not share by spiritual beliefs. It's more about the iPod, or the PlayStation than it is about family. And I fall right into this trap as well.

I was at the mall yesterday alone to begin my Christmas shopping, and I realize I am buying gifts for people, expensive ones at that, because somewhere over the years I feel obligated to just by the sheer nature it is Christmas, and that's what you do. Some of these people haven't seen the inside of a church in years, let alone opened a bible, or prayed. But that's not really for me to judge and hold against them. Our whole society has become perverse in thine manner.

As an example, I purchased my aunt a gift certificate for $50 at a clothing store. To me, a few thoughts crossed my mind during the whole ordeal: 1) Certificates are so impersonal, but I truly am drawing a blank on what to get people anymore. 2) Was $50 enough for my aunt? To some it may be, but to me, I think I'll end up spending more on her to assuade my own guilt for not looking cheap if you can believe that. 3) She's agnostic to boot.

I had that same thought with many people this year, even my wife. She gave me a list of what she desires....leaving no room for me to get her something of my own thinking lest she be disappointed....which of course takes out all the meaning and pleasure out of gift giving to me.

On the reverse side of the coin, she asked me what I would like for Christmas, and I honestly do not know. I really haven't given it too much thought, in which she replied "Great, looks like it is going to be another gift certificate year." This saddened me a bit, because I thought after 4 year of marriage and 2 years of dating, she'd be more creative when it comes to me.

I think of parties we are obligated to attend in which I don't want to participate for one reason or another, whether it be traffic, or listening to the same tired stories I always hear, or fussing about meals on if they are being served on time or not, and if the kids are behaving, and all the other stress.

Speaking of stress, just getting to the malls and navigating on my free days seems to tire me out already just thinking of it, then to come home, hide presents, wrap presents, identify presents, etc. It just doesn't sound very relaxing at all anymore.

And perhaps I am being overly cynical these days. I watch the news and just seem to get so depressed on all the horrible events: fires, earthquakes, cyclones, disease, war, shootings. How am I to be thankful? How can I celebrate with all this minutiae happening all over?

I lay in bed last night and decided to share some of my thought with my wife in the dark. I told her I fear for peoples salvation, more so today than ever before. I told her my emotions as of late have been all over the map sans the drugs. I felt as if I was opening up to her looking, grasping for some empathy and support. Instead she told me maybe I need to see a therapist again.

Not what I wanted to hear.

It was at this moment, she said she couldn't help me. That I see the world too black & white. That I forgot to have fun and that I am way to serious.

I sat and tried to digest this for a minute or so. Is it possible I am slipping back down the hole again? Do I need to start taking medication again before I start sliding down fast? While I was thinking these thoughts, my wife rolled over away from me and fell asleep.

Here I am again, feeling alone in the world, intensified by the false veil of 'holiday cheer'.