The morning I started my medication was very personal to me. I woke early, as I always do, while looking forward to go to work and getting out of the house, not looking forward to certain people I had to work with.
The thought of putting on a 'happy' face all the while concealing my contempt and utter lack of respect for some people was harder than it seems. While I thought I was doing a good job at it, apparently I wasn't fooling too many people. As much as I thought I had my anger and emotions under control, I would learn later people had noticed a difference in me.
My patience, something I had very little of to begin with, had even smaller margins now. I never really noticed how much I was gritting my teeth or rolling my eyes when people were talking to me.
I looked in the mirror of our vanity and saw the tired eyes looking back at me. I also noticed that I had a lot more gray hair than I once remembered. Was I actually aging myself, taking years off my life from the foul and putrid moods I was now in? Would I be prematurely gray from genetics, or did the the world do this to me? Did I do this to me?
I opened the first bottle. Lexapro. The Clonapen would wait until later, but I would make sure I stuck one in my pocket, just in case....you know...for an emergency. I wanted to do this quietly. I did not want my wife to see this...partly pride...partly because I didn't want to hear any comments or have her reminded that her husband sunk this far.
The doctors told me I wouldn't feel anything right away. They said it would take at least two weeks for my body to adjust and accept the drugs in my body and have my brain chemicals altered. Funny, you never really have these same thought when you drink a few beers. Alcohol changes the brain chemistry, but usually within minutes of consumption. Here, now that I want my chemistry to change, now I have to wait two weeks. People wonder why people turn to alcohol. It's simple.....People want to escape their reality and pain as quickly as possible, not wait two weeks or longer. I know...alcohol was my 'friend'....my own medication that I could prescribe as much as I wanted and when.
There were times even the slightest feeling of anxiety, perhaps just a simple heart flutter, would send me to the cupboards for a tumbler to add a few ice cubes and watch the amber liquid of Jack Daniels splash across the glass.
I swallowed the pill and continued to get ready for work. I dressed and said goodbye to my wife who was still laying in bed. On my wait out our bedroom door she told me "Did you take your pills?"
My God...I wish I could have seen my face at that moment. There it was....that question just dangling out there in space....waiting for an answer. I wanted to reply "Yes, you're crazy husband who cannot seem to get his act together...the guy who is educated and knows better....the guy who was big and strong and in control and fixed and paid for everything who is now an utter mess, who cannot concentrate, who hates people, who hates life, who doesn't know up from down right now and wants to run away and ask God for a 'do-over', who feels like he wants to punch everyone in sight, who likes the taste of whisky.....took his good for nothing pill that isn't even going to do anything for two weeks if he's lucky."
Instead I muttered a soft spoken "yes" just to get it over with and walked out without looking back.
So here I start my new regime... a pill every morning...a physical reminder that stares me in the face to let me know I failed somewhere along the line.
To be continued.....
1 comment:
Most depressed people don't realize that, although they think alcohol is their friend, it only exacerbates the problem. Alcohol is a depressant. I hope you've been able to stop drinking while you are on your meds.
My mother has terrible problems with depression and has been on various meds for years.
I too had a terrible problem with depression, since childhood, but have been fine for the past 12 years or so. I made the decision that I no longer wanted to be at the mercy of my depression. So I was able to let it go. I found ways to nip it in the bud, before it became a problem. There are many ways to deal with depression.. the first is making sure that you don't indulge those "thoughts". As soon as something occurs that might send you into a tailspin, you immediately dismiss it, rather than brood on it.
The meds should help, if not, find other ones.. but remember, you have to want to be well. Prayer helps a lot with that.
Good luck!!
Post a Comment