Aside from everything else going on in my life, the past few months have been have been plagued with various, random tragedies that made me suddenly stop and help remind me to reflect on the more important things in life instead of all the negativity and bitterness that seemingly surrounds me as of late.
This past Monday evening I received a brief and somber text from the gentleman who leads my Saturday morning men's group we lovingly dubbed 'The Joy Luck Club', because it is anything but.
The message just stated that one of our brethren passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly that evening from causes yet to be revealed. It stunned me and didn't even sink in right away. What? How? Huh? No, I don't believe - these were my first few thoughts. The man in question (name to be kept private) was a friend of mine probably in his early to mid 50's. He had struggled with alcohol, drugs, and other poor decisions throughout the majority of his life....in and out of rehab and prison on numerous occasions....when he was younger.
Within the last few years, he found God, and was doing his utmost to turn his life around. I didn't know him through his earlier, bad and dark times. When I joined the group, my separation from my wife was new, I hadn't officially filed yet. For him, he just got out of a divorce he also did not want....which was painful and tough on him and he knew the trials and tribulations and emotions I would soon be facing because he just experienced the whole gamut himself.
I only knew him as the man who had a dry and quick wit. Who knew his bible verses, who often prayed for me and my wife, who volunteered when and where he could, a good listener, who attended daily AA meetings. A man desperately trying to put his past behind him and break the various chains of bondage that plagued him for so long and be reborn into a new life...one in which he could laugh, feel free, make new friends, start over.
And then it ended without warning.
A few weeks ago my grandmother died as well. She was 88 years old, the mother of my own mother. She too died suddenly, and I didn't get to say goodbye to her either. I haven't even properly grieved that loss other than shed a few tears here and there, but I feel guilty I didn't call more often.
The leader of our men's group.....his son died in a horrible motorcycle accident about 5 months ago and he has been somber and changed ever since. I don't blame him, and don't have the words to soothe him. Hell, I'm a mess half the time myself.
My grandfather just turned 96. He's slowly fading. Every day he gets more and more depressed. My family is trying to put him in an assisted living home....but he is stubborn, and has moments of extreme alertness, peppered with random moments of senility and 'accidents'. He is not long for this world either and his faith in God and Christ as his saviour are shaky at best.
I've been off my medication for a few months now. And despite all this crap, I am sleeping a bit better and other side effects are minimal.
But I am thinking I am reaching that point in my life where I attend more funerals than birthdays. I hear more about divorce than I hear about marriage announcements. Everything seems to be a blur to me anymore....I'm just trying to find the time to do laundry and unload the dishwasher anymore.
I don't even know how I want to end this post. I guess I just really miss the innocence and ignorance of my youth.
October 31, 2013
October 29, 2013
An unexpected email
I was very surprised last night when I checked my email and saw a name I don't see very often.
There was an email from my Brother-in-law.
The last time we spoke was back in April this year (6.5 months) when my he was to moderate and observe my wife taking some of her belongings from my house.
I don't know exactly how to describe my relationship with him. I can tell you he is a loving husband and father who places his family as a priority. He is fairly intelligent. He seems, for the most part, to be a very fair and high in integrity. That being said, he also likes to 'right', and while I've never seen him raise his voice to anyone, he can, at times, come across very stern and stronger than he needs to be, He likes to make his point and to be heard, but doesn't draw on an on.
Our 'friendship' has always been cordial and he's polite towards me, but we just don't always 'click'. I've been told I have a great sense of humor when I'm a happy person...where he is pretty dry. Not that he's a dour person, or unhappy, just doesn't express it well towards other men. Sometimes his advice, while with good-intentions behind it, sometimes feels like a back handed insult or a 'talking-down' to.
Anyway, he sent me an email last night and wanted to share with me a program he is in the middle of at his church and wanted to turn. It's called "authenticated manhood". I'm going to look it up for myself, but he mentioned, as politely as he could a conversation he had with me sometime back that I needed to "grow a pair" and perhaps I'm more of a mama's boy. At the time it was kind of offensive to me because over the course of our history together, he never really spent anytime with either of my parents, or even me for that matter, to make that kind of determination.
However, I do recognize with me looking back today on past events, I did defer a lot of situations or looked the other way as only to avoid a confrontation with my wife. I 'shrank' in my role as both a leader and a husband and more andmore allowed my wife to do as she wished just so I could avoid an argument. In a nutshell, she wore the pants in my house and took my 'man card'.
Well, as humbling and perhaps unwanted as it is, I will allow for the fact that maybe he was right to a certain degree...it was just his 'delivery' of the past messages I didn't warm up to. And now that her family did a 180 on me, the fact he is reaching out to me at all is a surprise. I could have just ignored the message, deleted it, of replied with a snark....I instead took the opportunity to write back.
I wished him, his family, and especially the kids only the best. I let him know that perhaps he was right and I am taking steps to get my spine back. I'm sure my ex is presenting it in such a way that I am the devil right now, not budging, etc., etc., etc. So I am killing him with kindness. I offered an olive branch to him and his family I have no ill-will towards them and told him I would like to one day repair our fragmented relationship. So, I will take him up on his offer and look into this program, and hopefully learn something for myself.
I just hope he can do the same and be objective and see through the B.S. that has been told the last 20 months and realize I did infact put my foot down with my wife and won't (and don't have to) put up with her shit anymore.
Ball is in his court now.
There was an email from my Brother-in-law.
The last time we spoke was back in April this year (6.5 months) when my he was to moderate and observe my wife taking some of her belongings from my house.
I don't know exactly how to describe my relationship with him. I can tell you he is a loving husband and father who places his family as a priority. He is fairly intelligent. He seems, for the most part, to be a very fair and high in integrity. That being said, he also likes to 'right', and while I've never seen him raise his voice to anyone, he can, at times, come across very stern and stronger than he needs to be, He likes to make his point and to be heard, but doesn't draw on an on.
Our 'friendship' has always been cordial and he's polite towards me, but we just don't always 'click'. I've been told I have a great sense of humor when I'm a happy person...where he is pretty dry. Not that he's a dour person, or unhappy, just doesn't express it well towards other men. Sometimes his advice, while with good-intentions behind it, sometimes feels like a back handed insult or a 'talking-down' to.
Anyway, he sent me an email last night and wanted to share with me a program he is in the middle of at his church and wanted to turn. It's called "authenticated manhood". I'm going to look it up for myself, but he mentioned, as politely as he could a conversation he had with me sometime back that I needed to "grow a pair" and perhaps I'm more of a mama's boy. At the time it was kind of offensive to me because over the course of our history together, he never really spent anytime with either of my parents, or even me for that matter, to make that kind of determination.
However, I do recognize with me looking back today on past events, I did defer a lot of situations or looked the other way as only to avoid a confrontation with my wife. I 'shrank' in my role as both a leader and a husband and more andmore allowed my wife to do as she wished just so I could avoid an argument. In a nutshell, she wore the pants in my house and took my 'man card'.
Well, as humbling and perhaps unwanted as it is, I will allow for the fact that maybe he was right to a certain degree...it was just his 'delivery' of the past messages I didn't warm up to. And now that her family did a 180 on me, the fact he is reaching out to me at all is a surprise. I could have just ignored the message, deleted it, of replied with a snark....I instead took the opportunity to write back.
I wished him, his family, and especially the kids only the best. I let him know that perhaps he was right and I am taking steps to get my spine back. I'm sure my ex is presenting it in such a way that I am the devil right now, not budging, etc., etc., etc. So I am killing him with kindness. I offered an olive branch to him and his family I have no ill-will towards them and told him I would like to one day repair our fragmented relationship. So, I will take him up on his offer and look into this program, and hopefully learn something for myself.
I just hope he can do the same and be objective and see through the B.S. that has been told the last 20 months and realize I did infact put my foot down with my wife and won't (and don't have to) put up with her shit anymore.
Ball is in his court now.
October 28, 2013
10 years has come and gone....and no one noticed....except me
Or did they?
Last Friday would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary, and no one said a word. I think it was an unspoken agreement amongst friends and family not to bring the subject up with me. And I'm kinda glad. I didn't have much of a desire to speak about it to anyone to begin with, and even if someone did bring it up, I didn't really plan on indulging anyone with idle talk.
But I was aware of it.
I'm pretty happy how I handled the day overall.....I went to work, did my job, took myself out to a cheap lunch and tried to not let it get under my skin. But in truth, I was very aware of the day and I allowed myself to secretly brood about it and was a tad depressed and had occasional impressions of anger.
My father had come over early in the morning to walk my dog, and I was thankful he never brought up the subject. My mom called me sometime in the middle of the day and invited me over to breakfast on Sunday, and she didn't bring the subject up either. I'm sure the date wasn't lost on them, both of them are very good about dates when it comes to birthdays, anniversarys, and the like...but they didn't broach the subject with me.
A friend took me out to dinner on Friday night as well, and the subject wasn't brought up then either.
Last year, my wife sent me an anniversary card. This is when we were seperated and she did her stint in another state and I suppose realized the grass wasn't greener afterall and was making a half-assed attempt to reconcile with me. I guess I'll never know if she really meant it, or she was trying to placate her family, or was re-evaluating her ill-conceived plans and realized maybe it wasn't so bad with me afterall. I remember opening that card, the icy-sting of adrenaline pumping through my veins as I read it in my garage. The message was simple, and it was signed "Love, your wife." I remember half-chuckling with disgust and disbelief as I read it. Yeah, you 'loved' me so much you up and left me, your daughter, your resposnibilities and everything else so you could go 'find' yourself and drink with your friends.
And then that got old...really quick...and you wanted to come back like nothing happened. You wanted to pick up, rewind the clock, and get a 'freebie do-over' and you expected me to fall back into line like all the other times before. But what I did next....you didn't expect...and then your true colors came out.
I said 'No', and threw the card out in the trash only moments after I read it.
My decision to stand firm had you then call me every name in the book. You made up stories you know were not true and spread them about as gospel. You lied. You broke up friendships. You dragged a simple court case out forever and you got greedy. You wanted things that never interested you before. You wanted to hurt me because I finally grew a set of balls. You wanted to take my dog, my house, my car, my childhood collections, my friends...things that I paid for....things that I earned....things that I took care of...things that I cherish...things that have importance only to me.....all because you drank yourself out of a job, got into serious debt by your own hand, and burned bridges with those who wanted to help you to begin with.
You don't get a do-over this time.
You don't get to pretend it never happened, the time when you ripped me in half emotionally and left me months in a fetal position, crippled, tarnished, soul exposed. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve my financial security. My undying love. My husbandly support. No.... you left. You made a decision....and you were warned by everybody prior to you're leaving just what the ramifications *may* be....and yet you still chose *you* over everything else. Well, now I chose *me*.
Now that I look back, as painful as the decision was (and I questioned myself 1000 times over), I was right in throwing that card out, with it's empty and manipulative words.
So yeah, the last 20 months have sucked for both of us. And I may never 100% recover. But you have to live with the knowledge that you put yourself in this position. And yeah, you're gonna get some alimony from me...for the next 4 years. But guess what....You didn't get my house. You didn't get my car. You didn't get my collections. You didn't get my dog. You didn't get the furniture or appliances. You didn't get me to pay your legal fees.
Instead....you get to live with your mom and dad, in their spare bedroom, with your elbows deep in your own credit card debt, your own legal bills. Yup, all this was your doing.
Next up: A new beginning.
Last Friday would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary, and no one said a word. I think it was an unspoken agreement amongst friends and family not to bring the subject up with me. And I'm kinda glad. I didn't have much of a desire to speak about it to anyone to begin with, and even if someone did bring it up, I didn't really plan on indulging anyone with idle talk.
But I was aware of it.
I'm pretty happy how I handled the day overall.....I went to work, did my job, took myself out to a cheap lunch and tried to not let it get under my skin. But in truth, I was very aware of the day and I allowed myself to secretly brood about it and was a tad depressed and had occasional impressions of anger.
My father had come over early in the morning to walk my dog, and I was thankful he never brought up the subject. My mom called me sometime in the middle of the day and invited me over to breakfast on Sunday, and she didn't bring the subject up either. I'm sure the date wasn't lost on them, both of them are very good about dates when it comes to birthdays, anniversarys, and the like...but they didn't broach the subject with me.
A friend took me out to dinner on Friday night as well, and the subject wasn't brought up then either.
Last year, my wife sent me an anniversary card. This is when we were seperated and she did her stint in another state and I suppose realized the grass wasn't greener afterall and was making a half-assed attempt to reconcile with me. I guess I'll never know if she really meant it, or she was trying to placate her family, or was re-evaluating her ill-conceived plans and realized maybe it wasn't so bad with me afterall. I remember opening that card, the icy-sting of adrenaline pumping through my veins as I read it in my garage. The message was simple, and it was signed "Love, your wife." I remember half-chuckling with disgust and disbelief as I read it. Yeah, you 'loved' me so much you up and left me, your daughter, your resposnibilities and everything else so you could go 'find' yourself and drink with your friends.
And then that got old...really quick...and you wanted to come back like nothing happened. You wanted to pick up, rewind the clock, and get a 'freebie do-over' and you expected me to fall back into line like all the other times before. But what I did next....you didn't expect...and then your true colors came out.
I said 'No', and threw the card out in the trash only moments after I read it.
My decision to stand firm had you then call me every name in the book. You made up stories you know were not true and spread them about as gospel. You lied. You broke up friendships. You dragged a simple court case out forever and you got greedy. You wanted things that never interested you before. You wanted to hurt me because I finally grew a set of balls. You wanted to take my dog, my house, my car, my childhood collections, my friends...things that I paid for....things that I earned....things that I took care of...things that I cherish...things that have importance only to me.....all because you drank yourself out of a job, got into serious debt by your own hand, and burned bridges with those who wanted to help you to begin with.
You don't get a do-over this time.
You don't get to pretend it never happened, the time when you ripped me in half emotionally and left me months in a fetal position, crippled, tarnished, soul exposed. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve my financial security. My undying love. My husbandly support. No.... you left. You made a decision....and you were warned by everybody prior to you're leaving just what the ramifications *may* be....and yet you still chose *you* over everything else. Well, now I chose *me*.
Now that I look back, as painful as the decision was (and I questioned myself 1000 times over), I was right in throwing that card out, with it's empty and manipulative words.
So yeah, the last 20 months have sucked for both of us. And I may never 100% recover. But you have to live with the knowledge that you put yourself in this position. And yeah, you're gonna get some alimony from me...for the next 4 years. But guess what....You didn't get my house. You didn't get my car. You didn't get my collections. You didn't get my dog. You didn't get the furniture or appliances. You didn't get me to pay your legal fees.
Instead....you get to live with your mom and dad, in their spare bedroom, with your elbows deep in your own credit card debt, your own legal bills. Yup, all this was your doing.
Next up: A new beginning.
September 27, 2013
A day off
I generally don't take a lot of time of work. Probably because most of the time I don't know what to do with myself during the day since everyone else is working as well. That's one of the reasons I accrue my maximum allotment of vacation hours (120 a year), and I'm right up against that line right now.
I have been having some mental and emotional troubles this past week. With all signs pointing to the end of my legal nuptials any day know, I can't help the fact that some forcefully buried emotions are seemingly bubbling their way back to the top.
It also doesn't help I quit my medication again last week (it's been 8 days now). I should not have quit until this was all over...signed, sealed, and delivered. I should also have weaned myself off my Citropram over the course of a few weeks, but like an idiot I quit cold turkey.
This past week, my emotions have flip-flopped so many times and my moods are in so much flux (at least I am smart enough to both be aware of it and why it is happening), I can only offer advice to those of you on similar medications....DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY. Do what your Dr. tells you to do, don't think you can wing it on your own. I'm telling you out of my own rocky experience...it is not fun. I have found myself quite agitated at times, tense at others. I have been short with people, and my body has been sore (from tension). I have suffered a few headaches, and I feel the anger in a pool deep down inside.
My wife threw yet another 11th hour twist into things that set me off edge earlier this week. Just when I thought we had a tentative agreement, I received document from her lawyer to review and sign, and 'lo and behold, they tried to sneak (yes, they TRIED to sneak in) another Credit Card in the tune of $2900 that is in her name as one of my responsibilities. Really? REALLY? I'm so glad I caught it and read the 20 page document over. No way am I signing this. Yet again, she has gone back on her word.
Needless to say it took all of my energy not to go postal, and even then I wasn't 100% successful. I whipped myself up into so much of a tizzy, I gave myself a migraine. I could no longer concentrate at work. The day went on incredibly slow and I was fighting back tears of...RAGE...for yet another blatant snafu.
I had to call in and take a personal day yesterday.
Although I couldn't sleep in, I needed a day away from work. Away from annoying employees, and coworkers. I needed to seriously decompress and relax. I knew if I came into work, it would be just a matter of when, not 'if', I was going to blow up at someone, or say something I regretted.
I watched TV, I played a video game, I went to the gym, I watched football, I cleaned my garage, and probably the most satisfying thing I did: I disposed of 'crap' that was taking up space in the garage that didn't belong to me. Just junk....1/2 used candles, Anniversary cards with hollow words, broken decorations that have been kept in boxes for years with no purpose. I tossed it. I practially filled up a 80 gallon recyclable trash receptacle and made a lot more room. For every item I tossed, it would be one less item I will ever come across again and be reminded of things I do not wish to remember.
The last thing I remember last night is walking upstairs to go to bed. I don't recall getting in bed, nor do I recall any thoughts prior to falling asleep.
Almost there.
I have been having some mental and emotional troubles this past week. With all signs pointing to the end of my legal nuptials any day know, I can't help the fact that some forcefully buried emotions are seemingly bubbling their way back to the top.
It also doesn't help I quit my medication again last week (it's been 8 days now). I should not have quit until this was all over...signed, sealed, and delivered. I should also have weaned myself off my Citropram over the course of a few weeks, but like an idiot I quit cold turkey.
This past week, my emotions have flip-flopped so many times and my moods are in so much flux (at least I am smart enough to both be aware of it and why it is happening), I can only offer advice to those of you on similar medications....DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY. Do what your Dr. tells you to do, don't think you can wing it on your own. I'm telling you out of my own rocky experience...it is not fun. I have found myself quite agitated at times, tense at others. I have been short with people, and my body has been sore (from tension). I have suffered a few headaches, and I feel the anger in a pool deep down inside.
My wife threw yet another 11th hour twist into things that set me off edge earlier this week. Just when I thought we had a tentative agreement, I received document from her lawyer to review and sign, and 'lo and behold, they tried to sneak (yes, they TRIED to sneak in) another Credit Card in the tune of $2900 that is in her name as one of my responsibilities. Really? REALLY? I'm so glad I caught it and read the 20 page document over. No way am I signing this. Yet again, she has gone back on her word.
Needless to say it took all of my energy not to go postal, and even then I wasn't 100% successful. I whipped myself up into so much of a tizzy, I gave myself a migraine. I could no longer concentrate at work. The day went on incredibly slow and I was fighting back tears of...RAGE...for yet another blatant snafu.
I had to call in and take a personal day yesterday.
Although I couldn't sleep in, I needed a day away from work. Away from annoying employees, and coworkers. I needed to seriously decompress and relax. I knew if I came into work, it would be just a matter of when, not 'if', I was going to blow up at someone, or say something I regretted.
I watched TV, I played a video game, I went to the gym, I watched football, I cleaned my garage, and probably the most satisfying thing I did: I disposed of 'crap' that was taking up space in the garage that didn't belong to me. Just junk....1/2 used candles, Anniversary cards with hollow words, broken decorations that have been kept in boxes for years with no purpose. I tossed it. I practially filled up a 80 gallon recyclable trash receptacle and made a lot more room. For every item I tossed, it would be one less item I will ever come across again and be reminded of things I do not wish to remember.
The last thing I remember last night is walking upstairs to go to bed. I don't recall getting in bed, nor do I recall any thoughts prior to falling asleep.
Almost there.
September 20, 2013
90% there
There's been a flurry of activity over the past 48 hours, and I've been waiting both nervously and optomistically for an email any minute from my lawyer today.
It appears, and I say this with extreme caution, that my wife and I may have reached a tentative agreement.
This will allow me to keep my dog (I believe she didn't really want him anyway, just using him as emotional leverage), my boyhood collections, and most of everything I wanted to begin with. Yes, there will be a few sacrifices of objects I paid for, but they can all be replaced with brand new ones in time.
It appears we have one last sticking point, and my lawyer is doing his best to negotiate this the best he can. When I know more, or get word bag, I will update.
That being said, this last attempted push at settling before we go to court has me experiencing mutliple emotions all at once.
This morning I awoke at 4:40am, only because I beleive my mind cannot turn off in anticipation of what may happen, and this may finally be over.
I am angry and sad. I am nervous, anxious, and uptight. My body is rejecting food right now as evidence by my numerous trips to the restroom.
In speaking with some friends, they all believe I am getting a good deal and started to congratulate me, but I have been very outspoken to them is stating "A failure of a marriage is nothing to celebrate" even if thins are looking up for me. I still lost a lot. Perhaps not in objects, but I lost a lot if broken friendships, the loss of a family, and 10 years of my life I can not get back. The chances of falling in love again will probably always be met with a certain hesitation and skepticism. The vetting process of a new spouse will be much more arduous and thorough. I will need to consider things like their financial standings, their spirituality, how they treat their parents and children and friends. I will need to study their motivations....not just in looking for love, but how they view their work and their everyday outlook of the mundane. Study their priorities...Are they looking for a husband, a life partner, or someone who will just be a financial security blanket.
This process has been long, and hard, and emotional. I do feel as if I have aged a good 5 years over the last 2 years. I can't tell you how much sleep I have lost, how many tears have trailed down my cheeks, how many times I wanted to turn to a bottle or run away, how many prayers I have said on my knees pleading to my Lord who at times seem to be slow to answer or silent altogether.
That in itself has been both a teaching and lesson in faith. I endure because of my belief in a God who wants to restore us although at times I felt completely alone and even angry at Him. I still pray to Him even if the results aren't what I was hoping for or expecting.
I am hoping that sometime over the next 48 hours I will know the outcome and I can finally begin to shut this chapter, take a much needed restorative breath and break, and begin a new chapter in my life in the weeks ahead.
It appears, and I say this with extreme caution, that my wife and I may have reached a tentative agreement.
This will allow me to keep my dog (I believe she didn't really want him anyway, just using him as emotional leverage), my boyhood collections, and most of everything I wanted to begin with. Yes, there will be a few sacrifices of objects I paid for, but they can all be replaced with brand new ones in time.
It appears we have one last sticking point, and my lawyer is doing his best to negotiate this the best he can. When I know more, or get word bag, I will update.
That being said, this last attempted push at settling before we go to court has me experiencing mutliple emotions all at once.
This morning I awoke at 4:40am, only because I beleive my mind cannot turn off in anticipation of what may happen, and this may finally be over.
I am angry and sad. I am nervous, anxious, and uptight. My body is rejecting food right now as evidence by my numerous trips to the restroom.
In speaking with some friends, they all believe I am getting a good deal and started to congratulate me, but I have been very outspoken to them is stating "A failure of a marriage is nothing to celebrate" even if thins are looking up for me. I still lost a lot. Perhaps not in objects, but I lost a lot if broken friendships, the loss of a family, and 10 years of my life I can not get back. The chances of falling in love again will probably always be met with a certain hesitation and skepticism. The vetting process of a new spouse will be much more arduous and thorough. I will need to consider things like their financial standings, their spirituality, how they treat their parents and children and friends. I will need to study their motivations....not just in looking for love, but how they view their work and their everyday outlook of the mundane. Study their priorities...Are they looking for a husband, a life partner, or someone who will just be a financial security blanket.
This process has been long, and hard, and emotional. I do feel as if I have aged a good 5 years over the last 2 years. I can't tell you how much sleep I have lost, how many tears have trailed down my cheeks, how many times I wanted to turn to a bottle or run away, how many prayers I have said on my knees pleading to my Lord who at times seem to be slow to answer or silent altogether.
That in itself has been both a teaching and lesson in faith. I endure because of my belief in a God who wants to restore us although at times I felt completely alone and even angry at Him. I still pray to Him even if the results aren't what I was hoping for or expecting.
I am hoping that sometime over the next 48 hours I will know the outcome and I can finally begin to shut this chapter, take a much needed restorative breath and break, and begin a new chapter in my life in the weeks ahead.
September 12, 2013
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
I dunno why, but I awoke feeling a bit agitated this morning at 4:44am this morning. Although I had a few 'twilight' relapses back to the land of slumber, I still feel agitated and 'off' right now.
There was a couple of days I forgot to take my medication, but I've been on track the last three days I believe.
The temperatures were hot last week, my house maintaining a downstairs temperature of 85 degrees even at 10pm at night with all the windows open. That made my bedroom closer to 90 for a few nights. I either slept on the couch, or broke down and turned on the air conditioner and listen to it strain for hours on end, trying to keep the temp to 78.
I did bounce a check yesterday which made me mad. I keep forgetting about these automatic with drawls I have set up electronically, and yesterday two of the e-payments snuck up on me and bit me in the ass costing me $50 in banking penalties. But that shouldn't make me feel the way I do right now.
My 95 year old grandfather was released from the rehabilitation center he was staying at the last two months after he broke his shoulder and is back home. I went up there last Saturday with my mother (her dad) and spent quite a bit of the afternoon getting him settled back in and discussing his various financial issues he needs to take care of now that his life is winding down.
There has been no news on the divorce front. That's a mixed blessing. I have not incurred any additional costs this last month, nor have I had to listen to anymore false claims and made up stories from her. However, the dreams have started again. After a period of mental peace, I had two dreams this past week....both revolving around different aspects of my divorce...primarily about 'fairweather' friends, or the loss of certain relationships with various people over all this. There are some days it irks me more than others. Probably because I have too much time one my hands at night and I allow for things to simmer and percolate in my head.
Whatever the reason, I just know I'm a bit agitated today.
There was a couple of days I forgot to take my medication, but I've been on track the last three days I believe.
The temperatures were hot last week, my house maintaining a downstairs temperature of 85 degrees even at 10pm at night with all the windows open. That made my bedroom closer to 90 for a few nights. I either slept on the couch, or broke down and turned on the air conditioner and listen to it strain for hours on end, trying to keep the temp to 78.
I did bounce a check yesterday which made me mad. I keep forgetting about these automatic with drawls I have set up electronically, and yesterday two of the e-payments snuck up on me and bit me in the ass costing me $50 in banking penalties. But that shouldn't make me feel the way I do right now.
My 95 year old grandfather was released from the rehabilitation center he was staying at the last two months after he broke his shoulder and is back home. I went up there last Saturday with my mother (her dad) and spent quite a bit of the afternoon getting him settled back in and discussing his various financial issues he needs to take care of now that his life is winding down.
There has been no news on the divorce front. That's a mixed blessing. I have not incurred any additional costs this last month, nor have I had to listen to anymore false claims and made up stories from her. However, the dreams have started again. After a period of mental peace, I had two dreams this past week....both revolving around different aspects of my divorce...primarily about 'fairweather' friends, or the loss of certain relationships with various people over all this. There are some days it irks me more than others. Probably because I have too much time one my hands at night and I allow for things to simmer and percolate in my head.
Whatever the reason, I just know I'm a bit agitated today.
August 21, 2013
Heartbroken
A bit of a tough day today for me today.
Not sure it has sank in yet. Nor should I feel surprised, but I guess I actually am, and somewhat hurt.
My stepdaughter has officially 'unfriended' me on Facebook.
I think back over the last 10 years. How many times did I both drop her off and pick her up from school? How many birthday, Christmas, and other occasion gifts did I buy her over the years? How many times I took her out when she was feeling alone? How many father/daughter talks did I have with her giving her advice when she asked for it? How many tears did I wipe away?
When I married her mother, I opened up my house to her. I gave her a bed, furniture, electronics, meals, friendship, love....everything a step-father should.
And now I have been excommunicated and cut out from her life. Surely at the request and pressure from her mother.
Sigh.
Not sure it has sank in yet. Nor should I feel surprised, but I guess I actually am, and somewhat hurt.
My stepdaughter has officially 'unfriended' me on Facebook.
I think back over the last 10 years. How many times did I both drop her off and pick her up from school? How many birthday, Christmas, and other occasion gifts did I buy her over the years? How many times I took her out when she was feeling alone? How many father/daughter talks did I have with her giving her advice when she asked for it? How many tears did I wipe away?
When I married her mother, I opened up my house to her. I gave her a bed, furniture, electronics, meals, friendship, love....everything a step-father should.
And now I have been excommunicated and cut out from her life. Surely at the request and pressure from her mother.
Sigh.
August 07, 2013
Expect Delays
Sigh....well the inevitable infact did happen.
She was granted a continuance until October 2nd.
Reasons cited on ex-parte submission by her attorney: 1) Witness lists not exchanged 2) Trial briefs not prepared 3) Exhibit lists not exchanged 4) Income and expense declarations not exchanged.
My lawyers translation: They aren't prepared and are stalling.
We were ready. I have all my documents submitted, in order, i's dotted, t's crossed.
Apparently they don't.......and thus the judge granted them 2 months.
My lawyers second translation: They hope to negotiate further thinking I would cave.
I will not.
August 06, 2013
Stall Tactics
It has been a very rough day for me.
I almost lost it at work this morning. I thought about just walking back out that door and going home and going back to bed. I couldn't though since we are down two people.
Even the happy pills aren't doing their job today.
Last night I found out my wife started dating someone else. Not sure if that bothers me or not. It seems one minute it is, the next...not so much. I suppose that gives the clear sign that I myself can relax and eventually get back out there without fearing any reprocussions...that is when I'm ready to.
Then this morning my attorney contacted me to let me know my wife just filed an 'ex-parte' continuance, meaning our trial that was scheduled for this Thursday may be delayed another couple of months.
For those of you counting, it has been 17 months.
17 long, emotionally painful, scaring months.
My attorney now has to go to court tomorrow and fight this at an extra cost so we can continue on with this Thursday. At times I get so angry I cannot even see straight or think straight. Not only is it a time sink, it is also a money sink. And this coming from the person who is telling everyone I'm making her life miserable (Note I have had ZERO contact with her since April 17th when we both met with our attorneys present).
I think she thought I'd cave.
That I'd give into her ridiculous demands and threats. Threats from a broke and broken person who brought all this on herself.
So now I wait until tomorrow afternoon to see if I go to trial or if it has been postponed.
I almost lost it at work this morning. I thought about just walking back out that door and going home and going back to bed. I couldn't though since we are down two people.
Even the happy pills aren't doing their job today.
Last night I found out my wife started dating someone else. Not sure if that bothers me or not. It seems one minute it is, the next...not so much. I suppose that gives the clear sign that I myself can relax and eventually get back out there without fearing any reprocussions...that is when I'm ready to.
Then this morning my attorney contacted me to let me know my wife just filed an 'ex-parte' continuance, meaning our trial that was scheduled for this Thursday may be delayed another couple of months.
For those of you counting, it has been 17 months.
17 long, emotionally painful, scaring months.
My attorney now has to go to court tomorrow and fight this at an extra cost so we can continue on with this Thursday. At times I get so angry I cannot even see straight or think straight. Not only is it a time sink, it is also a money sink. And this coming from the person who is telling everyone I'm making her life miserable (Note I have had ZERO contact with her since April 17th when we both met with our attorneys present).
I think she thought I'd cave.
That I'd give into her ridiculous demands and threats. Threats from a broke and broken person who brought all this on herself.
So now I wait until tomorrow afternoon to see if I go to trial or if it has been postponed.
August 01, 2013
Reflections
The title of this post came to me at 1:09am last night.
I had already gone to bed previously around 10pm, but my brain must have been on overdrive thinking about my upcoming court date next week. The only sound in my room at the time was the whirring of the ceiling fan blades above me and I tried my hardest to fall back alseep.
But you know when you try to fall asleep, it just doesn't come that easy. It's like the Sandman is standing at the foot of the bed mocking you, letting you know you're going to be crabby and fighting to keep your eyes open the following afternoon.
So, I began to pray. Pray for a lot of different things: that my grandfather finds peace in his twilight hours, that my friends daughters surgery this week goes well, that I can keep my beloved dog, that the judge finds wisdom and is fair at our trial, and most importantly I find peace when this is all over.
See, my wife wanted to delay our trial another two months earlier this week. She feels that we can negotiate further. Problem is, in all of our previous discussions, she has shown no evidence of willing to really negotiate, instead she keeps wanting more and more. I also understand her regular lawyer now won't be available for that date, so she has to get a substiture lawyer to fill in. She also explained that she didn't want to spend the money on the trial. Well, neither do I, but I need to get this over with and behind me, and the thought of another two month delay and the cost of all the other legal stuff stuff during that time really doesn't save either of us any money in the long run. In fact, it may cost us even more since we'd most likely go to trial anyway based on her unwillingness to capitulate on anything.
Instead I gave one final 'fair' setllement offer. My lawyer agrees that it is in her best interest to take my deal, because if we go the route she is currently taking, although she might get a little more, it will be for naught because of all the additional expenses she will incur, and thus it will be a wash and she'll end up only with alimony. For the first time, I finally see a small glimmer that despite me paying out alimony for the next few years, I will get to keep a majority of the stuff I purchased to begin with.
So....Reflections.
Yesterday afternoon I was to meet my parents and one of their best friends for dinner in celebration of this persons birthday. I got there a bit early, so I went to a tap house nearby, and bellied up to the bar and had a pint.
I had the next 40 minutes to kill, by myself, as I sat at the stainless steel counter. I just wanted to relax, take a few breaths, and mentally prepare myself that it will all be over next week. I thought about our wedding day...how gorgeous she was in her dress. I think about my inlaws, how I miss them so and all the family gatherings I was once a part of.
As I sat there, a young couple (late 20's, maybe early 30's) pulled up chairs next to me. He was handsome, and she was stunning. Although I kept to myself, he made jokes, she laughed....and all I could think about was that was me and my wife 10 years ago, when love was fresh and exciting and smiles all around.
Shortly thereafter another young woman pulls up a chair to my left and orders a Jack & Coke (nice) and texting on her phone. Soon she is joined by her boyfriend who arrives 10 minutes later, and they engage in small talk as well...enjoying each others company.
And I find myself sitting between these two young couples and the VCR in my head begins to replay my courtship that played out just like this 10-11 years ago.
Across the bar, there is another single dude. He looks a bit older than me, with longer hair a ridiculous earring (you're too old for that man) drinking a 'yard' of beer. Throughout teh 40 minutes I was there, we made eye contact with each other a few times. I couldn't help but wonder if he is thinking the same thing I am thinking of him: dude, you're alone at a bar....drinking by yourself, surrounded by young couples. Am I that dude, just more clean cut? God, I hope not.
I had already gone to bed previously around 10pm, but my brain must have been on overdrive thinking about my upcoming court date next week. The only sound in my room at the time was the whirring of the ceiling fan blades above me and I tried my hardest to fall back alseep.
But you know when you try to fall asleep, it just doesn't come that easy. It's like the Sandman is standing at the foot of the bed mocking you, letting you know you're going to be crabby and fighting to keep your eyes open the following afternoon.
So, I began to pray. Pray for a lot of different things: that my grandfather finds peace in his twilight hours, that my friends daughters surgery this week goes well, that I can keep my beloved dog, that the judge finds wisdom and is fair at our trial, and most importantly I find peace when this is all over.
See, my wife wanted to delay our trial another two months earlier this week. She feels that we can negotiate further. Problem is, in all of our previous discussions, she has shown no evidence of willing to really negotiate, instead she keeps wanting more and more. I also understand her regular lawyer now won't be available for that date, so she has to get a substiture lawyer to fill in. She also explained that she didn't want to spend the money on the trial. Well, neither do I, but I need to get this over with and behind me, and the thought of another two month delay and the cost of all the other legal stuff stuff during that time really doesn't save either of us any money in the long run. In fact, it may cost us even more since we'd most likely go to trial anyway based on her unwillingness to capitulate on anything.
Instead I gave one final 'fair' setllement offer. My lawyer agrees that it is in her best interest to take my deal, because if we go the route she is currently taking, although she might get a little more, it will be for naught because of all the additional expenses she will incur, and thus it will be a wash and she'll end up only with alimony. For the first time, I finally see a small glimmer that despite me paying out alimony for the next few years, I will get to keep a majority of the stuff I purchased to begin with.
So....Reflections.
Yesterday afternoon I was to meet my parents and one of their best friends for dinner in celebration of this persons birthday. I got there a bit early, so I went to a tap house nearby, and bellied up to the bar and had a pint.
I had the next 40 minutes to kill, by myself, as I sat at the stainless steel counter. I just wanted to relax, take a few breaths, and mentally prepare myself that it will all be over next week. I thought about our wedding day...how gorgeous she was in her dress. I think about my inlaws, how I miss them so and all the family gatherings I was once a part of.
As I sat there, a young couple (late 20's, maybe early 30's) pulled up chairs next to me. He was handsome, and she was stunning. Although I kept to myself, he made jokes, she laughed....and all I could think about was that was me and my wife 10 years ago, when love was fresh and exciting and smiles all around.
Shortly thereafter another young woman pulls up a chair to my left and orders a Jack & Coke (nice) and texting on her phone. Soon she is joined by her boyfriend who arrives 10 minutes later, and they engage in small talk as well...enjoying each others company.
And I find myself sitting between these two young couples and the VCR in my head begins to replay my courtship that played out just like this 10-11 years ago.
Across the bar, there is another single dude. He looks a bit older than me, with longer hair a ridiculous earring (you're too old for that man) drinking a 'yard' of beer. Throughout teh 40 minutes I was there, we made eye contact with each other a few times. I couldn't help but wonder if he is thinking the same thing I am thinking of him: dude, you're alone at a bar....drinking by yourself, surrounded by young couples. Am I that dude, just more clean cut? God, I hope not.
July 25, 2013
A lack of self respect
Respect is a pretty loaded word.
We all think of its main meaning:
We all think of its main meaning:
Noun
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Verb
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July 23, 2013
Who am I kidding?
It was to be expected, I suppose, but I was hoping I wouldn't be as affected as I apparently am.
Yesterday afternoon, while I was at work (of course), my lawyer forwads me yet another letter from 'her' attorney stating she thinks she can get 'her' to let go of my dog and my collections, that is if I agree to all her other ridiculous demands...meaning maximum financial support and every appliance in the house.
It was a complete and utter waste of time and energy and finances that niether one of us has to throw out some 'random', half-hearted attempt to get me to either blink or settle. If it was intended to rile me up, well then, mission accomplished.....but I can't let them know they got to me.
I know my attorney is obligated to share all correspondance her attorney sends him, at the cost of a quarter hour increments, but this non-offer cost us both. I am so tempted (of course it/was my emotions) to fire off a response, but after speaking with my parents and then sleeping on it, I had to ask myself..."To what end?"
A response from me would cost me a quarter hour charge for him to read it, then an additional quarter hour charge for him to forward it to 'her' attorney, and then wait for yet another response. So it would cost me 1 hour of attorney's fees and highly charged emotion, to get what in return? I will assume we are at an impasse, and I will just have to wait, and make her guess my next move. The thing is, I have no 'next' move....I just don't want to spend anymore money on correspondence that will get me nowhere for the next few weeks.
And without missing a beat, of course my lawyer send me three more documents to fill out and return ASAP. Really? Um, you guys realize that I work too during normal business hours and I just can't drop everything to fill out paperwork at a whim. The thing that irks me is that I've already filled these same excat papers out before....twice...So why do I have to fill them out a third time? Because my state has so much backlog in the system, that my previous filing are now 'obsolete' and I have to provide updated information every few months...at a cost to me...of course. Sigh. What a racket this is. I'm not kidding. They get you coming and going.
Oh, and he wants an additional 8 hours retainer fee for court costs, prior to court. Okay, I'll just go out back and pluck a fresh branch off the money tree I have. I have never been late on paying him, but it's usually been an hour here and an hour there. Now I need to cough up 8 hours of pre-pay within two weeks. Um, what part of when you took my case did you not understand that I am also paying some of my wife's bills as well.
As I write this, I have court in 17 days.
If that isn't enough to pull my hair out, we've been extremely busy at work and very short handed. I've had to pick up the slack in a few areas that aren't even mine, and people are so impatient. I feel their pain, but if I am not aware of things because they aren't in my domain, I'm finding it hard to please people with little or no notice. My phone hasn't stopped ringing the last week for trivial stuff I have to take care of because the people can't chew gum and walk at the same time.
My grandfather is having some health issues. I suppose you would too at 95 years old. We need to put him in a home. He doesn't want to go, and thinks we are putting him out to pasture. It doesn't help that his memory is starting to fail and he insists he did things or said things when in-fact he didn't and my parents have asked me to help cancel some things there as well. It doesn't help that he did break his shoulder and layed immobile on the kitchen floor for 6+ hours until someone found him and realized he messed himself. Doesn't hep that he's mad he drivers license has expired and he wants to renew it.....he should not be driving.
Then my father informed me that the docter found some cancer, melanoma, on his face, so he had surgery today in which they removed some skin. Let that be a lesson folks....wear sunscreen whenever you can, becuase it will come back to haunt you later in life.
So what is this a recipe for?.....you guessed it...a mild-to-moderate meltdown. I had to walk outside a few times already today to clear my head, take a few deep breaths, wipe my eyes, and compose myself. I spent my lunh hour today in my car....crying....because I have no other venting outlet right now. I'm not proud of crying at all, but I'm also not ashamed of it either. I don't like to do it, but it feels as if I have been living out someone elses nightmare off and on for the last few years now. My eyes still sting and feel slightly swollen right now.
I called my dad today as well, just to decompress. God bless him...he does his best to console me...to build me up...to tell me everything is gonna be okay....but my dad is known for having emotions or empathy. So while I beleive he does 'hear' me...I just don't make the connection with him as his son.
Oh, and for those wondering why my wife came over last week. It was both a social visit to teh neighbors AND to dig up dirt on me. The good news is I've purposely avoided 'those' neighbors in even casual contact that they can't say anything about me.
July 10, 2013
A Step Back
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4: 6-7)
I am not convinced that by writing it down on paper that I will be sort through the madness which is my overly complex thought process on just about everything. Please, take no offense at this next statement but at times I wish I were indeed simple-minded. I often wonder if simple-minded individuals are more content with life because they aren't keenly aware of the interconnectedness of everything else?
Where to begin?
My grandfather is not doing so well. He fell last week and dislocated his shoulder. Although he didn't break anything, he is becoming too weak to care for himself. His Dr. has placed him in a rehabilitation facility which I assume he thinks he will be getting out of in a few days or weeks. However, my parents and my aunt & uncle wish to keep him there indefinitely because he needs constant care now. He's even having trouble going to the restroom and having more and more "accidents' as of late. Personally, I do not believe he has much time left and I don't even know where to begin to say my goodbyes or wish that he finds the Lord.
Then two timezones away, I have learned my grandmother is also not doing well and is on a waiting list herself to go to a final home. It appears she is throwing in the towel as well and wishes to spend her final days in a 'facility' as well. At least she is a believer, but its hard for me to comprehend my life losing two more family members shortly and I am so far away from one, and have enough going on in my own drama it's hard for me to visit the other one, and the guilt I seem to be developing over that.
A gentleman from one of my groups recently fell off the wagon, and cut himself, on purpose....bad enough where he needed 50 stitches in his arm. Because he has no insurance, the hospital refused to put him under watch for 72 hours and let him go back into the wild. I tried calling him yesterday, but got no answer or no call back.
As a surprise when I came home from work, I saw that my wife's car was at the end of my street...obviously visiting neighbors....which she has every right to do, but it immediately sent me into a funk, putting me on high alert for the rest of the evening. I have no idea why I act a fool, but I caught myself looking out my window every 30 to 45 minutes or so to see if she left or not. She left somewhere around 9:30pm last night. And although I did not see her, had no interaction with her, I felt uptight and anxious the rest of the night. And even emotional.
I hadn't had any contact with her since our meeting back in April and thought I was personally moving on. I will even admit I "thought" I deserved a few atta-boys and high-fives for being able to function these last 6 weeks or so, but it became pretty damn clear that after last night and gauging both my behavior and thoughts.....I am no better off than before.
It was so bad, I even had a dream about her again, and in this dream she was as cold and nasty as she has been the last few years, and even in this unconscious state I wanted to avoid upsetting her, wondering what I could do to make her happy...and I realized there was nothing I could do.
Needless to say, today, it is taking all my energy and will power not to break down in front of my employees and sob. I take that back...my eyes have been tearing up on and off since 8:30am, and that was only 5 hours ago.
There is so much good things in my life, yet I continually allow things that are out of my control to dominate my thoughts and sour my emotions where I am 220lb, 5'10" 43year old man who feels like I am a pimply 13yo tween who got turned down at the dance....but multiply that by 10 fold.
What the ____ happened to me? Why can't I shake this funk, this depression, this crap that stalks me like a lion waiting to devour as soon as I blink?
My mom wants to take me to dinner tonight. Usually I don't like her to see me like this....I want to be strong and show her I am okay....but right now I am embarrassed to say I do indeed want my mom. I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and run away. The mental pressure is starting to build up inside and I need a release.
June 26, 2013
Is the Universe speaking to Me?
I do believe, or at least, allow for the belief that God can try to get our attention at times. How exactly, I'm not positive. It may be subtle, perhaps it may even be direct, but I'm not sure if the man upstairs uses formulaic sitcom scenarios to make His point. Then again, who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? He did create the platypus afterall.
So yesterday it seems as if a lot of stuff I came into contact with, whether deliberate or by random circumstance seemed to pop up into my life yesterday on a cerebral level.
A somewhat famous pastor, Rick Warren, of Saddleback church made this comment yesterday to his congregation as food for thought:
"Incompatibility in marriage is really immaturity and selfishness. Mature people value differences and grow, learning real love."
The comments that followed were very divided, and I for one would find myself in the undecided category. On the one hand, this makes perfect sense. On the other, I couldn't help but wonder if Rick was referring to me as immature and selfish.
I've literally read this quote close to a dozen times over the past 18 hours or so, and my gut reaction still is...confusion? While some people may say I can be immature at times for playing Xbox, reading comics, liking Science Fiction, my trivial rants, and occassionally doing foolish things I also consider myself quite mature. My bills are paid on time, I'm a responsible member of society, I love my God and attend church, I'm empathetic towards animals and enjoy deep discussions without referring to sophmoric antics. This may not win me any points in the 'humble' department, but I think I am a geneous person when I can be, often helping others financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. That doesn't absolve myself of ALL selfishness, but I clearly don't feel selfish at all...especially when it came to my marriage. I think I was anything BUT selfish in that regard, but I reached a point where despite what God may think of me, I didn't want to be kicked anymore so when my wife left, I drew a line in the sand. Some would say I waited to long to draw that line to begin with.
Then later yesterday afternoon I came across the following:
I read this and it struck a chord with me. The second half of this hit me like a sledge hammer between the eyes because it reminded me of my wife like a klaxon alarm going off in my head. She only paid me attention when she needed something that she could no longer provide for herself. And it hurt me to read this. It hurt me to let it sink in and understand this. That this what was being perpetrated upon me. I even felt a tinge of anger and my own selfishness when I read this outloud..
Then Joel Osteen chimed in with this nugget:
"You don't have to worry. God has promised that if you will remain at rest, He'll make your wrongs right. He'll bring justice into your life."Was God talking to me yesterday? Was He trying to tell me that He understands that this whole things seems unjust and unfair to me, but if I give Him half a chance, that He is in control of all things....not me. Was this His not-so-subtle reminder that He cares for me as well, that I am not forgotten, that I am getting to wrapped up in the trivial and wasting my time fretting for things yet to come and already decided by His will?
So if that wasn't enough, I got a phone listed 'PRIVATE' on my digital display last night at around 7pm. 99% of the time this signifies that my mother is calling so I picked up.
It was not my mother.
In fact it was the last person I would ever suspect. A Christian person I met and exchanged phones numbers with almost a full year ago and whom I have had no contact with since. She called me out of the blue...to ask how I was doing and said she had felt a strong urge to call me to counsel me and to pray for me. I had told her my story a year ago...and here she is...a year later telling me she felt the need to reach out and to pray for me today (last night).
How does that happen?
I was more in shock than anything. She sensed during our conversation that I had a lot on my mind....and I pointed out everything I just laid out here: Joel Osteen nugget, Rick Warren's words, an Internet meme about wasting time on un-reciprocated love.
I can't explain any of this. I was just keeping to myself yesterday adn the Universe came a knockin' at my door.
I'm just sharing this. Not sure what it means....but maybe for you doubters, perhaps there is a God who does listen and responds to His children when we pause and open ourselves up to listening instead of acting.
June 25, 2013
What Dream May Come....
The last few weeks I think my subconscience has been working overtime. There was a period of about two weeks were I must have had 3 or 4 dreams regarding my wife, or her family, and this entire situation. The most disturbing, or actual 'hurtful' one was listening to my Mother-In-Law coming down on me.
I've always shown nothing but respect to my inlaws, and it really hurts me to the core when my MIL came down on me about my lack of forgiveness. That was almost a year ago, and I still hear those words in my head every so often.
I'm stalled as far as weight loss goes. I've been hovering around 219 for a month now. Granted, I'm not hitting the gym like I used to, but I've been monitoring my food. I theoretically should be having 1700-1800 calories a day. Most days I can do that, although I find myself still hungry. But then the weekends roll around and I note two major things: 1) my friends are inviting me to glorious BBQ's decadent food and drink, 2) I'm too bloody tired to go to the gym. My body aches half the time from work, and if I have any free time at all I have to take care of my dog or chores.
My relationships with friends, neighbors, family, church has been on maintenace mode only. I feel like I'm coasting right now....just doing enough to stay in peoples lives, but not enough to nuture them or myself for that matter. Kinda goes back to the whole "I'm too damn tired" thing.
I'm also still re-evaluating certain 'relationships' with people I've known and have shifted some of them into the 'acquaintance' only category. I feel as I am...and always have been the same guy...it's their change of behaviors (or lack thereof) which has made me realize I need new blood in my circles. This stale, stagnation gossip and 'nosey'-ness isn't building me up. The facts are the facts....go ask 'her' what the 'story of the day' is.
Saw Superman and Star Trek recently...love them both...and feels good to be a kid again at times. Take 2-3 hours out of life and be somewhere else mentally where my crap doesn't matter.
No real plans for summer...yet. I got invited to go to Vegas for a few days, but had to pass because it interferred with work and whose gonna watch my pup for 3 days? Also got invited by my best friend to go to British Columbia. He has a time share...all I have to do is get a plane ticket....but same problem....can't get off of work right now, nor can commit to anything until I know where I stand legally (and financially).
So I predict a summer of building train models (a hobby of mine) and exploring the immediate area with my dog and close friends. But we'll see, meterologists are alrady predicting this is gonna be a hot summer. Our first heat wave is supposed to hit by the weekend, and I can expect temperatures in the 90's. I might be sleeping downstairs this weekend.
I've always shown nothing but respect to my inlaws, and it really hurts me to the core when my MIL came down on me about my lack of forgiveness. That was almost a year ago, and I still hear those words in my head every so often.
I'm stalled as far as weight loss goes. I've been hovering around 219 for a month now. Granted, I'm not hitting the gym like I used to, but I've been monitoring my food. I theoretically should be having 1700-1800 calories a day. Most days I can do that, although I find myself still hungry. But then the weekends roll around and I note two major things: 1) my friends are inviting me to glorious BBQ's decadent food and drink, 2) I'm too bloody tired to go to the gym. My body aches half the time from work, and if I have any free time at all I have to take care of my dog or chores.
My relationships with friends, neighbors, family, church has been on maintenace mode only. I feel like I'm coasting right now....just doing enough to stay in peoples lives, but not enough to nuture them or myself for that matter. Kinda goes back to the whole "I'm too damn tired" thing.
I'm also still re-evaluating certain 'relationships' with people I've known and have shifted some of them into the 'acquaintance' only category. I feel as I am...and always have been the same guy...it's their change of behaviors (or lack thereof) which has made me realize I need new blood in my circles. This stale, stagnation gossip and 'nosey'-ness isn't building me up. The facts are the facts....go ask 'her' what the 'story of the day' is.
Saw Superman and Star Trek recently...love them both...and feels good to be a kid again at times. Take 2-3 hours out of life and be somewhere else mentally where my crap doesn't matter.
No real plans for summer...yet. I got invited to go to Vegas for a few days, but had to pass because it interferred with work and whose gonna watch my pup for 3 days? Also got invited by my best friend to go to British Columbia. He has a time share...all I have to do is get a plane ticket....but same problem....can't get off of work right now, nor can commit to anything until I know where I stand legally (and financially).
So I predict a summer of building train models (a hobby of mine) and exploring the immediate area with my dog and close friends. But we'll see, meterologists are alrady predicting this is gonna be a hot summer. Our first heat wave is supposed to hit by the weekend, and I can expect temperatures in the 90's. I might be sleeping downstairs this weekend.
June 12, 2013
Showcase Showdown - a month later.
It's been a few strange weeks overall.
I've been off my happy pills again for the past two weeks, and quite honestly I feel generally apathetic. Work has been very mundane lately...very mundane. I'm busy enough, but it's just the same thing everyday. 8 hours of the same thing. Can a person get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the brain? That's what it feels like or at least analogous too, if you don't like my metaphor.
Oh, and for those wondering what happened during the Showcase Showdown back from April? My wife renegged on just about everything we agreed to prior. Just when I think I couldn't be surprised by her anymore, I will admit, what came out of her mouth both stunned and saddened me. Even my lawyer had to laugh at her and her attorney.
See, my wife and I agreed (at least I thought we did), that she keeps her collections and I keep mine. She keeps her 401K and I keep mine. She pays for her credit cards, and I pay for mine. She keeps her car, and I keep mine. See the pattern?
Well, of course when we got down to brass tax she now wants the following:
Anyway, since then her new lawyer wants to 'talk' to us again. Maybe, just maybe, he talked some sense into her and feels like we can still negotiate a few things before we go to court. This will take place sometime in July. When? I do not know yet. But if I walk back into a negotiation meeting again, she better be willing to play ball. I have no qualms walking in and walking right back out in less than 5 minutes if I feel she's not ready to play ball. First and foremost, my dog is not negotiable. Period. End of discussion.
Now some of you may be thinking, "Dude, it's just a dog! Is a dog worth the cost of going to court? Go out and buy a new one." You have to know me and understand this: I have no biological children...so my dog is my 'child'. I raised him. He is my best friend. He sleeps in my bed. And all the times where I broke down and had tears, he was in my lap and kept me sane, He prompted me to go out and take him for walks when it was easy to sit at home, curl up in a fetal psoition, and drink. As weird as you may think I am, my dog gave me purpsoe when I was all alone in my house, and has been with me everyday since BEFORE she left. She is not getting my dog. I will be with him until he passes from natural causes. Period.
One way or the other, we have a trial date, before a judge on August 8th. So as I post this, I have roughly 2 months before I think this may all be finally over.
I've been off my happy pills again for the past two weeks, and quite honestly I feel generally apathetic. Work has been very mundane lately...very mundane. I'm busy enough, but it's just the same thing everyday. 8 hours of the same thing. Can a person get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the brain? That's what it feels like or at least analogous too, if you don't like my metaphor.
Oh, and for those wondering what happened during the Showcase Showdown back from April? My wife renegged on just about everything we agreed to prior. Just when I think I couldn't be surprised by her anymore, I will admit, what came out of her mouth both stunned and saddened me. Even my lawyer had to laugh at her and her attorney.
See, my wife and I agreed (at least I thought we did), that she keeps her collections and I keep mine. She keeps her 401K and I keep mine. She pays for her credit cards, and I pay for mine. She keeps her car, and I keep mine. See the pattern?
Well, of course when we got down to brass tax she now wants the following:
- My 401K, because she has spent hers.
- The equity in my car....the one that I bought and paid for by myself.
- The king size bed...the one she hated and said she wanted a new mattress before she left.
- My art collection, on top of keeping hers.
- The patio furniture...which I bought,
- The TV...which was a gift to me from my aunt & uncle....which is funny because not only does she have no where to put it, she doesn't even have cable.
- The washer, dryer, stove, and fridge....the appliances I bought...that she didn't.
- She also wants me to pay her Credit Cards.....because she can't.
- Maximum for alimony that the state will allow.
- And the icing on the cake? My dog. Yes the dog she didn't walk, didn't buy, didn't train, didn't pay for his insurance or pet bills. The dog she walked out on when she left me and her daughter. The dog she never asked about the last 14 months. Now she wants my dog. Over my DEAD body.
Anyway, since then her new lawyer wants to 'talk' to us again. Maybe, just maybe, he talked some sense into her and feels like we can still negotiate a few things before we go to court. This will take place sometime in July. When? I do not know yet. But if I walk back into a negotiation meeting again, she better be willing to play ball. I have no qualms walking in and walking right back out in less than 5 minutes if I feel she's not ready to play ball. First and foremost, my dog is not negotiable. Period. End of discussion.
Now some of you may be thinking, "Dude, it's just a dog! Is a dog worth the cost of going to court? Go out and buy a new one." You have to know me and understand this: I have no biological children...so my dog is my 'child'. I raised him. He is my best friend. He sleeps in my bed. And all the times where I broke down and had tears, he was in my lap and kept me sane, He prompted me to go out and take him for walks when it was easy to sit at home, curl up in a fetal psoition, and drink. As weird as you may think I am, my dog gave me purpsoe when I was all alone in my house, and has been with me everyday since BEFORE she left. She is not getting my dog. I will be with him until he passes from natural causes. Period.
One way or the other, we have a trial date, before a judge on August 8th. So as I post this, I have roughly 2 months before I think this may all be finally over.
April 15, 2013
Showcase Showdown
The last time I actually had a conversation with my wife was a series of emails between us just over a month ago when I informed her I would be filing my taxes separetly. As you know, she didn't take to kindly to this as she expected me to pay (surprise) for her preperation, and possibly be awarded a portion of any return I was going to receive. Whereas I tried to politely explain, more than once, that our tax man advised me against filing jointly due to her inability to cough up a W2 or 1099 for her cash only job, she (as usual) escalated her anger towards me stating that I was trying to 'screw' her.
I don't expect my wife to play nice at all. I understand that her lawyer is trying to get the 'most' she possibly can for her client, but she's also asking for the moon, the stars, and the sky. My lawyer says this won't fly and her counters have all been lofty and unrealistic, but since I've never been through this before, I have no idea what to expect or believe for that matter.
Since then, it's been silent. And not just on her part either. My lawyer isn't the most communicative guy around and with less than 48 hours to go, I find myself having to call him up and ask both when and where we are supposed to meet. I also have to inquire what doucments I should be bringing, and more importantly (at least to me), what our strategy is? I don't want to be blind-sided by my wife, or be put on the spot about financial matters or the like. I need to know, for my own sanity, where my lawyer and I plan on drawing the line. I'd kinda like to know our goal on what we are willing to accept, what we are going to throw out, and the stuff inbetween before I show up. Especially since I have to take a personal day at work and use vacation time to settle this.
I also have to really put my trust in the Lord with all this, and I wish I could say I was feeling more confident about everything.
For the most part my tears have now stopped. It has taken a whole year for that to happen, but I still think about this everyday. I still think about: 1) Where did I go wrong, 2) Why didn't I see the signs earlier when everyone else did, 3) Could I have done anything different, and 4) Why Lord, why me?
The only good news I've had recently is a few people had previously written me off have been slowly letting me back in. On the flipside of that though, yet other 'friends' have written me off due to her lies and playing the 'victim' card, without once asking my side of things. Even after a year, I am still figuring out who my 'real' friends are, and who were just my friends because I was throwing a BBQ at my house and had a place to drink beer. That really saddens me....people whom I genuinly liked, have shut me down and out of their lives. And all the while I still hear the occasional 'nutty' rumor in reagards to me which has no base in reality.
One of my best friends actually said something somewhat complimentary to me in regards to his own wife and her thoughts. Unbeknownst to me, my friend had said his own wife never really thought much of my wife, and the only reason they ever came over to my house was so she could hang out with the guys. She thought my wife could be a little curt, aggressive, and mean spirited when drinking and didn't care much for sme of the things she saw and heard.....I did not know that. And just last week another 'mutual' friend told me that in hindsight, all things being the same, that my wife just liked to pick fights in general...that she liked to surround herself with drama. I did not ask for his insights on my marriage...he just offered them up, which in a demented way, also makes me feel better...that I wasn't making all this up in my head, that other people saw it as well, but just chose to keep their mouths shut so they didn't upset either her or me.
Now the toughest, (and continuing), roughest part is in trusting and putting my faith in the God I worship and love that I give this over to Him to have my best interests at heart. To continue to work on me to allow me to heal, to forgive, to not be taken adavnatge of any longer, to move on, and continue to pray that she also finds it in her own heart to relax, not to be prideful, not to be stubborn, and that she will find her own sense of happiness instead of dragging me and everyone else around her down because she's not happy with herself but just can't comes to terms and acceptance of that fact.
April 10, 2013
A late start to 2013
The past couple of years I've been able to both create and hold fast to my New Years resolutions. Starting new hobbies, getting involved in community activities or clubs, going places, and even losing weight.
The toughest part has been able to maintain a certain weight once I slough it off. Not that I am a horrible eater/ I don't eat a lot of candy or drink soda (probably why I still have never had a cavity at my age), occasionally eat fast food (I like Del Taco and Taco Bell in a pinch), and lead a 'somewhat' active lifestyle...although I don't hit the gym as much as I used to.
See I like my craft beers (a weekend indulgence), cooking with sauces, gorging on BBQ and other carbs, and have been finding it harder and harder to get motivated to excercise now that I am on my own. I have so many weekend chores to do, that I have to decide to give up actual 'fun' things to do, or hit the gym now.
When my wife left me last year, I didn't have to worry about excercise. The misery and pain of the experience was enough to diminish my appetite enough that I was losing weight without doing anything. At one point I was down to about 210 lbs., lighter than I was when I got married (which was 216 by the way).
A year has gone by, and during that time I put my weight back on, and then a few extra. I really started to notcie that my pants where feeling tight again. Seems I carry all my weight exactly at my waistline. I got up to a previous weight of 227.6.
While 227 is not 'fat' for my stature and overall size, I dread the fact I was creeping up on a barrier I have never crossed before: 230lbs. Keep in mind I'm 5'10" and above average in the muscular department....but I'm not getting any younger (so says my graying hair).
I wanted to get past my birthday and Easter and try to make a clean start....again. Just so happened that Easter was March 31st, so that gave April 1st, a Monday no less, a good starting point.
My neighbor was actually an inspiration to me, and a wake up call to my own feelings of envy. See, my neighbor who is a few years older than me has been overweight for sometime. Standing at about 5'7" he looked much older than he actually was. Not that he himself was morbidly obese, but he likes to drink, and had that stereotypical 'beer gut' all men dread. I mean it really looked odd on him. He constantly looked pregant at 46 years of age, a huge basketball shape under his t-shirts. For years, he always had a beer in his hand, or some sort of vodka or run drink.
He was borderline diabetic and on high blood pressure medication. And although he surfed, rode a bike around the neighborhood, and even skateboarded, it wasn't enough excerise to combat all the empty calories he was drinking.
I believe someone in his family passed sometime late last year, or had a heart-attack or some other health condition that gave him his own wakeup call. Longstory short, he weaned himself off casual drinking and increased his excerise and with 6 months, had dropped 55lbs! He posted a picture of himself right around Easter on Facebook and he looked great! I believe he's even off his blood pressure medication and moved off the diabetic watch list.
Looking at his picture was motivation for me (again) to re-kickstart my own diet. As a single guy who wants to date again, I guess it would be advantageous for me to take better care of myself. It doesn't hurt my cause either that I just saw a picture of my wife from Easter with her family, and she looks a little worn herself and put on a few pounds again.
So, although its only been roughly 9 days, I'm already down about 2.5 lbs. No ice cream, candy, or beer in my house (although there is whisky). I've been drinking water, ice tea (no sugar), Perrier, black coffee, and 0 calorie flavored waters. It's hard for me to cut dairy (I love cheese, and butter), but my intake of veggies is way up again, and I'm forcing myself to monitor my portions and hit the gym a bit more.
I'm hoping that when I meet with my lawyer next Wed with my wife and her lawyer, I'll be down a few more lbs. I'm even planning a three day trip at the end of the month with some friends and would be jazzed that I may be in better shape than them. Yeah, that's somewhat narcasstic and vain, but I'd like to think of it as a confidence boost to my own ego in addition to actualized health benefits.
I'm looking forward to once this crap is over (with my wife) so I can re-start my life. It seems I've been in limbo this past year, being reserved and whatnot so that I don't bring any undue attention to myself since I'm still 'married' by law. I want to get out and meet new people, do new things, re-discover who I was 10 years ago before I lost my spine, my confidence, and became repressed and reserved under her rule of thumb (which I allowed and have no one to blame but myself for being a coward for so long).
Speaking of being a coward, I willa dmit I am not looking forward to next Wed. I haven't spoken to or interacted with my wife in about 5 weeks now. I've heard a few rumors that she is having people watch me, but "Oh well", I'm not doing anything wrong nor am I spreading any untruths. I just need to keep reminding myself that she brough this on herself. This was her doing, not mine. And that she hasn't changed, or changed enough to be taken seriously...
So here's to hoping that by the end of this month I'm finally going to turn things around for myself for a change and not be shackled by the verbal and emotional garbage I've been cowering from for so long.
The toughest part has been able to maintain a certain weight once I slough it off. Not that I am a horrible eater/ I don't eat a lot of candy or drink soda (probably why I still have never had a cavity at my age), occasionally eat fast food (I like Del Taco and Taco Bell in a pinch), and lead a 'somewhat' active lifestyle...although I don't hit the gym as much as I used to.
See I like my craft beers (a weekend indulgence), cooking with sauces, gorging on BBQ and other carbs, and have been finding it harder and harder to get motivated to excercise now that I am on my own. I have so many weekend chores to do, that I have to decide to give up actual 'fun' things to do, or hit the gym now.
When my wife left me last year, I didn't have to worry about excercise. The misery and pain of the experience was enough to diminish my appetite enough that I was losing weight without doing anything. At one point I was down to about 210 lbs., lighter than I was when I got married (which was 216 by the way).
A year has gone by, and during that time I put my weight back on, and then a few extra. I really started to notcie that my pants where feeling tight again. Seems I carry all my weight exactly at my waistline. I got up to a previous weight of 227.6.
While 227 is not 'fat' for my stature and overall size, I dread the fact I was creeping up on a barrier I have never crossed before: 230lbs. Keep in mind I'm 5'10" and above average in the muscular department....but I'm not getting any younger (so says my graying hair).
I wanted to get past my birthday and Easter and try to make a clean start....again. Just so happened that Easter was March 31st, so that gave April 1st, a Monday no less, a good starting point.
My neighbor was actually an inspiration to me, and a wake up call to my own feelings of envy. See, my neighbor who is a few years older than me has been overweight for sometime. Standing at about 5'7" he looked much older than he actually was. Not that he himself was morbidly obese, but he likes to drink, and had that stereotypical 'beer gut' all men dread. I mean it really looked odd on him. He constantly looked pregant at 46 years of age, a huge basketball shape under his t-shirts. For years, he always had a beer in his hand, or some sort of vodka or run drink.
He was borderline diabetic and on high blood pressure medication. And although he surfed, rode a bike around the neighborhood, and even skateboarded, it wasn't enough excerise to combat all the empty calories he was drinking.
I believe someone in his family passed sometime late last year, or had a heart-attack or some other health condition that gave him his own wakeup call. Longstory short, he weaned himself off casual drinking and increased his excerise and with 6 months, had dropped 55lbs! He posted a picture of himself right around Easter on Facebook and he looked great! I believe he's even off his blood pressure medication and moved off the diabetic watch list.
Looking at his picture was motivation for me (again) to re-kickstart my own diet. As a single guy who wants to date again, I guess it would be advantageous for me to take better care of myself. It doesn't hurt my cause either that I just saw a picture of my wife from Easter with her family, and she looks a little worn herself and put on a few pounds again.
So, although its only been roughly 9 days, I'm already down about 2.5 lbs. No ice cream, candy, or beer in my house (although there is whisky). I've been drinking water, ice tea (no sugar), Perrier, black coffee, and 0 calorie flavored waters. It's hard for me to cut dairy (I love cheese, and butter), but my intake of veggies is way up again, and I'm forcing myself to monitor my portions and hit the gym a bit more.
I'm hoping that when I meet with my lawyer next Wed with my wife and her lawyer, I'll be down a few more lbs. I'm even planning a three day trip at the end of the month with some friends and would be jazzed that I may be in better shape than them. Yeah, that's somewhat narcasstic and vain, but I'd like to think of it as a confidence boost to my own ego in addition to actualized health benefits.
I'm looking forward to once this crap is over (with my wife) so I can re-start my life. It seems I've been in limbo this past year, being reserved and whatnot so that I don't bring any undue attention to myself since I'm still 'married' by law. I want to get out and meet new people, do new things, re-discover who I was 10 years ago before I lost my spine, my confidence, and became repressed and reserved under her rule of thumb (which I allowed and have no one to blame but myself for being a coward for so long).
Speaking of being a coward, I willa dmit I am not looking forward to next Wed. I haven't spoken to or interacted with my wife in about 5 weeks now. I've heard a few rumors that she is having people watch me, but "Oh well", I'm not doing anything wrong nor am I spreading any untruths. I just need to keep reminding myself that she brough this on herself. This was her doing, not mine. And that she hasn't changed, or changed enough to be taken seriously...
So here's to hoping that by the end of this month I'm finally going to turn things around for myself for a change and not be shackled by the verbal and emotional garbage I've been cowering from for so long.
March 27, 2013
It's so hard to keep mum.
Nothing major, but I find myself struggling not to contact my in-laws to inform them of their daughters inaction which has an impact on me and my family.
See, my dad just called me a few minutes ago to let me know that not one, but two credit card companies called him this morning looking for my ex-wife. Apparently, even after she told me she was going to take of this....she hasn't. She's had a full year now to contact them and to make arrangements, and swore to me on numerous occasions she would.
She hasn't.
You may have fooled 'YOUR' family, but you're not fooling me.
What I fail to understand is why the credit companies are calling my parents. Why would they call someone not on contract? Are they calling her parents? Are her parents just ignoring them the calls as well? Are they even aware that this is going on?
This is one of the reasons I had to turn off my home phone. 85% of the calls I've been getting are credit companies looking for her. So both my parents and I have been happily been giving them her parents home number. Whether these companies follow through afterwards and call the numbers we supply, I don't know.
But since this doesn't seem to be working, I have to step it up: I will now be handing out her 'work' number. They can call her at work, and when the small cafe starts getting calls regarding her debt, she can handle it there on her 'work' time.
I am so tempted to contact my in laws right now, but my dad says I am so close to the end, why rock the boat now? While I see what he is saying at a Macro level, the fact is I think that even after the divorce is finalized, she will still not pay these bills, and my parents and I will still get these calls....endlessly.
Every time I get these calls, all I see and hear in my head is the one-sided conversation she had to me in which she said "It's always about the money to you." And I keep thinking, how ironic...yes, it is about the money....the fact that YOU overspent and expect ME to clean up your mess. How YOU said you changed, will take responsibility, and make arrangements and HAVE NOT. How it is always about SOMEONE elses money...but never YOURS! Why? Because that's how YOU roll...you have your parents, your family, and your husband ALWAYS bail you out...and then bitch, and moan, and complain, and blame that everyone else (namely me) only cares about money.
Yes, there's a reason why I have never declared bankruptcy and you have. There's a reason CC companies don't call me but only call you. There's a reason I am getting a tax return and you are not. There's a reason why you've been bouncing checks for years and I have not. There's a reason you took your daughters money for yourself. There's a reason your last car got repossessed and your parents had to float you the new car and your insurance. And you have the audacity to tell me, I have an issue with controlling money?
Yes, perhaps I do. I have an idea of both 'self-control' and a sense of 'responsibility' and live within my means. Why don't you give that a try since your way isn't working out for you so much.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to actually accomplish....but I think I'd feel a little better if I could let your parents know that even not under my roof, you're still the same irresponsible person you've always been and let them know about your credit issues.
See, my dad just called me a few minutes ago to let me know that not one, but two credit card companies called him this morning looking for my ex-wife. Apparently, even after she told me she was going to take of this....she hasn't. She's had a full year now to contact them and to make arrangements, and swore to me on numerous occasions she would.
She hasn't.
You may have fooled 'YOUR' family, but you're not fooling me.
What I fail to understand is why the credit companies are calling my parents. Why would they call someone not on contract? Are they calling her parents? Are her parents just ignoring them the calls as well? Are they even aware that this is going on?
This is one of the reasons I had to turn off my home phone. 85% of the calls I've been getting are credit companies looking for her. So both my parents and I have been happily been giving them her parents home number. Whether these companies follow through afterwards and call the numbers we supply, I don't know.
But since this doesn't seem to be working, I have to step it up: I will now be handing out her 'work' number. They can call her at work, and when the small cafe starts getting calls regarding her debt, she can handle it there on her 'work' time.
I am so tempted to contact my in laws right now, but my dad says I am so close to the end, why rock the boat now? While I see what he is saying at a Macro level, the fact is I think that even after the divorce is finalized, she will still not pay these bills, and my parents and I will still get these calls....endlessly.
Every time I get these calls, all I see and hear in my head is the one-sided conversation she had to me in which she said "It's always about the money to you." And I keep thinking, how ironic...yes, it is about the money....the fact that YOU overspent and expect ME to clean up your mess. How YOU said you changed, will take responsibility, and make arrangements and HAVE NOT. How it is always about SOMEONE elses money...but never YOURS! Why? Because that's how YOU roll...you have your parents, your family, and your husband ALWAYS bail you out...and then bitch, and moan, and complain, and blame that everyone else (namely me) only cares about money.
Yes, there's a reason why I have never declared bankruptcy and you have. There's a reason CC companies don't call me but only call you. There's a reason I am getting a tax return and you are not. There's a reason why you've been bouncing checks for years and I have not. There's a reason you took your daughters money for yourself. There's a reason your last car got repossessed and your parents had to float you the new car and your insurance. And you have the audacity to tell me, I have an issue with controlling money?
Yes, perhaps I do. I have an idea of both 'self-control' and a sense of 'responsibility' and live within my means. Why don't you give that a try since your way isn't working out for you so much.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to actually accomplish....but I think I'd feel a little better if I could let your parents know that even not under my roof, you're still the same irresponsible person you've always been and let them know about your credit issues.
March 21, 2013
In like a lion, out like a lamb.
...And such was teh case for the 1 year anniversary that she left.
It was actually yesterday.
1 year that I came home and she was gone, with much of her clothes.
Don't have much really to say on it now that it happened. Oh, I thought about it a lot the previous two weeks. I allowed it to keep me up a few times, but when yesterday actually came and left, the day was pretty much went by without a single peep.
The only odd that happened was Tuesday night I got blind copied on an email from my lawyer to hers at 9:30pm stating we reject her recent counter proposal outright. I like when my lawyer said "Your counterpropsal does not support either the law or the facts of teh case. When your client wants to get realistic about negotiation, you can contact us."
I have no idea what the offer was, but seeing that her attorney's email had some disclaimer at the end in regards to tax advice and the like, I can only assume that my wife is attempting to make me file both jointly and even pay her tax preparation. Remember, she's quite pissed off that I am filing seperately as I will be getting a return this year, and she will have to most likely pay. I'm sure she was counting on getting 1/2 my return, me paying her for her tax preperation, and be able to wash her hands of it.
Despite my continued mess, I had an awesome weekend. Saw some old schhol chums from years past,...try like 25+ years. I also had time with my parents, my church, and close friends tooks me out to dinner. Perhaps it wasn't a perfect birthday weekend (yes, I turned another year), but a far cry from last years when my wife sent me a text message late in the day and otherwise racked with misery.
It was actually yesterday.
1 year that I came home and she was gone, with much of her clothes.
Don't have much really to say on it now that it happened. Oh, I thought about it a lot the previous two weeks. I allowed it to keep me up a few times, but when yesterday actually came and left, the day was pretty much went by without a single peep.
The only odd that happened was Tuesday night I got blind copied on an email from my lawyer to hers at 9:30pm stating we reject her recent counter proposal outright. I like when my lawyer said "Your counterpropsal does not support either the law or the facts of teh case. When your client wants to get realistic about negotiation, you can contact us."
I have no idea what the offer was, but seeing that her attorney's email had some disclaimer at the end in regards to tax advice and the like, I can only assume that my wife is attempting to make me file both jointly and even pay her tax preparation. Remember, she's quite pissed off that I am filing seperately as I will be getting a return this year, and she will have to most likely pay. I'm sure she was counting on getting 1/2 my return, me paying her for her tax preperation, and be able to wash her hands of it.
Despite my continued mess, I had an awesome weekend. Saw some old schhol chums from years past,...try like 25+ years. I also had time with my parents, my church, and close friends tooks me out to dinner. Perhaps it wasn't a perfect birthday weekend (yes, I turned another year), but a far cry from last years when my wife sent me a text message late in the day and otherwise racked with misery.
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