Damn it!
When will it end?
I'm a bit numb today. Probably an internal defense mechanism kicking, because deep down inside, my mind is probably telling my body "What's the point in crying?" Currently I am not taking any medication, but my mental state really does seem to mimic (at least today), the fact that I cannot seem to form any emotion....maybe mild agitation.
As usual, it seems like God has dumped me in the middle of everyone else's problems just to see how I am going to react or handle it. I can't say I'm at peace, or on the other side of the spectrum, mad. I'm just going through the motions of my stagnant life (& job for that matter) looking forward these day to just going home and going to bed. I wouldn't classify that as depression (at least not yet anyway)....it's just my daily routine because I don't have the means, money, or energy for anything else.
My wife is still not working. she's taken a few odd jobs with friends and neighbors paying a little cash under the table, but as far as a real job, with a real paycheck, and real benefits....nothing. She hasn't even gotten a bite in the past three months.
And because of a paperwork screwup from her formal company, we were dropped from healthcare coverage and my current company will not let me enroll until December. So right now, we are uninsured...so we can't get sick.
Oh, and my step-daughter moved back in. Her grand experiment in a different state didn't work out. And before she was to move back with us, my wife had made it clear that she was supposed to make sure at least my step-daughters job transfered back, and she assured us it was. Well, surprise, surprise....as goes everything apparently it wasn't and I just found out yesterday. I can't help but think that she already knew this ahead of time and just told my wife what she wanted to hear and then 'feigned' shock and ignorance when she moved back in.
So yes, I now have a 41 year old wife, and a 19 year old step daughter, both with only High School educations....unemployed...and living at my house....with no health insurance....and you wonder how I'm feeling?
Just f'n great.
August 25, 2011
July 27, 2011
RIP Dan Peek
I just read that Dan Peek, one of the founding members of a band called "America" passed away last Sunday. He was 60 years old.
America is one of my favorite bands, and thier greatest hits album is one of my top 10 treasured albums I own. I don't usually care for classic 70's rock, but this album just resonates with me. I'm bummed I never got to see him live myself. I had an opportunity some years back, but just went. So bummed now.
What I didn't know was that Dan was a Christian, and a vocal one in his years after he left the band.
This is a 6 minute video on his testimony. Living the Rock n Roll lifestyle, turning away from God, and then coming back like the prodigal son years later.
America is one of my favorite bands, and thier greatest hits album is one of my top 10 treasured albums I own. I don't usually care for classic 70's rock, but this album just resonates with me. I'm bummed I never got to see him live myself. I had an opportunity some years back, but just went. So bummed now.
What I didn't know was that Dan was a Christian, and a vocal one in his years after he left the band.
This is a 6 minute video on his testimony. Living the Rock n Roll lifestyle, turning away from God, and then coming back like the prodigal son years later.
July 14, 2011
The Tables Turned
So I had an interesting flip today that I wasn't expecting....
The last few days I had a niggling in my head to call a family friend whose husband passed about two months ago. The last time I saw/spoke to the widow was during the funeral and I am aware that time has passed and I wanted to check on her. I had been meaning to do it for a few weeks now myslef, but as things generally happen, my thoughts get distracted and before I know it it's either too late, I'm not near a phone, or I forget.
But the thought really got in my head these past few days so I was determined to call her up today, and I did. Before I knew it, she was praying for me!!
That's right....I went to call her up to see how she was doing, to check in, to say "Hi.", (which she was indeed grateful for) and the next thing I knew, she had me closing my eyes on the phone holding back some tears as she asked the Lord to lift me and my wife up, to give me a wonderful day, to give me peace and joy.
Wow....I am so touched and thankful for these people in my life who stuck with me through my darkest times, when I didn't care if I woke up or not.
In other news my wife has an interview today. It's not a dream position for her, and I think she realizes that our state is pretty uch behind everyone else. She's getting bored at home (I know that feeling) and the stress is starting to sink in. I thinks she's also coming to terms that without a degree, or even an AA from a local community college, that her income is going to be lower as well.
That being said, we've been getting along pretty well as of late...although I still wish (and pray) she's cut back on the drinking and smoking. I don't have a problem with a glass of wine, but a bottle a day troubles me, and it's a continuing prayer I still pray...to ask for God to speak to her heart.
Speaking of God...I've once again found myself both craving His attention and yet rejecting Him at the same time. I take note of the seperation (duly all my fault) I have incurred by not taking the Word seriously these last two weeks. I've been focusing on wordly fun, whether it be telling a few crass jokes, swearing a bit more that usual, feeling impatient with people.....well, I've been taking note of this in the mirror.
Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed that I once again 'get right' and pray that the certain temptations don't cloud my mind. I awoke this morning again and prayed...and felt 'decent'. Not great, but not bad either.....and then my family friend really laid down the Spirit on me over the phone and I feel good and recognize God does indeed love all of us, even through the haze and fog we create of our own doings or 'mis-doings' if you will.
Tonight, I am taking my mother and mother-in-law to a concert. We are seeing Ottmar Liebert, a flamenco guitarist....I love Spanish music. This is a treat and a late Mother's Day gift to my mom....the only person who really gets me.
The last few days I had a niggling in my head to call a family friend whose husband passed about two months ago. The last time I saw/spoke to the widow was during the funeral and I am aware that time has passed and I wanted to check on her. I had been meaning to do it for a few weeks now myslef, but as things generally happen, my thoughts get distracted and before I know it it's either too late, I'm not near a phone, or I forget.
But the thought really got in my head these past few days so I was determined to call her up today, and I did. Before I knew it, she was praying for me!!
That's right....I went to call her up to see how she was doing, to check in, to say "Hi.", (which she was indeed grateful for) and the next thing I knew, she had me closing my eyes on the phone holding back some tears as she asked the Lord to lift me and my wife up, to give me a wonderful day, to give me peace and joy.
Wow....I am so touched and thankful for these people in my life who stuck with me through my darkest times, when I didn't care if I woke up or not.
In other news my wife has an interview today. It's not a dream position for her, and I think she realizes that our state is pretty uch behind everyone else. She's getting bored at home (I know that feeling) and the stress is starting to sink in. I thinks she's also coming to terms that without a degree, or even an AA from a local community college, that her income is going to be lower as well.
That being said, we've been getting along pretty well as of late...although I still wish (and pray) she's cut back on the drinking and smoking. I don't have a problem with a glass of wine, but a bottle a day troubles me, and it's a continuing prayer I still pray...to ask for God to speak to her heart.
Speaking of God...I've once again found myself both craving His attention and yet rejecting Him at the same time. I take note of the seperation (duly all my fault) I have incurred by not taking the Word seriously these last two weeks. I've been focusing on wordly fun, whether it be telling a few crass jokes, swearing a bit more that usual, feeling impatient with people.....well, I've been taking note of this in the mirror.
Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed that I once again 'get right' and pray that the certain temptations don't cloud my mind. I awoke this morning again and prayed...and felt 'decent'. Not great, but not bad either.....and then my family friend really laid down the Spirit on me over the phone and I feel good and recognize God does indeed love all of us, even through the haze and fog we create of our own doings or 'mis-doings' if you will.
Tonight, I am taking my mother and mother-in-law to a concert. We are seeing Ottmar Liebert, a flamenco guitarist....I love Spanish music. This is a treat and a late Mother's Day gift to my mom....the only person who really gets me.
June 21, 2011
Post Father's Day - 2011
Well, my Father's Day was decent on most account, albeit it pretty long.
I had gotten up early in the morning to smoke a beef brisket for my Father, Father-In-Law, and Brother-In=Law. It was about a 7 hour process which also included us cleaning the house as best as we could and making other dishes as well.
My father isn't so much on presents or wrapping paper or cards, but I still feel obligated (in a good and respectful way) to acknowledge him. Besides cooking all day, I also printed some pictures out for him of the two of us together, and him and my dog (his grand'pup' as he puts it) and some visors for his daily walks.
I think everyone enjoyed the afternoon/evening together, and 9:30 pm I was pretty tuckered out. My wife's generosity was very nice on Sunday. She gave me a card, from our dog of course, and after my shower, gave me a massage.....something that hasn't happened in years...and it was longer than the 5 minutes I thought I was going to get. Lasted more like 15. She's not the best massuese in the world, but that doesn't really matter....the fact that she attempted and did so for at least 15 minutes and helped cook and clean was very nice.
The only dissapointing facet of the day was the no call from my step-daughter. Nope...no call, no text, no email, no card...nada. Well, I kinda expected that to begin with, but I suppose even knowing that ahead of time and setting my expectations to zero...still 'stings' a bit.
It's a good thing I put in for Monday off, as I really needed to sleep in. My wife and I spent the day together cleaning up the house...I even steam-cleaned the carpet downstairs. Took myself to see Green Lantern...(I liked it BTW)...rebuilt my grandafathers PC, and was in bed again at 10pm last night, but that was mostly due to my medication kicking my butt.
Now I'm back to work, and we're a bit short handed today, but it' super slow. 3.5 more days until the weekend.
I had gotten up early in the morning to smoke a beef brisket for my Father, Father-In-Law, and Brother-In=Law. It was about a 7 hour process which also included us cleaning the house as best as we could and making other dishes as well.
My father isn't so much on presents or wrapping paper or cards, but I still feel obligated (in a good and respectful way) to acknowledge him. Besides cooking all day, I also printed some pictures out for him of the two of us together, and him and my dog (his grand'pup' as he puts it) and some visors for his daily walks.
I think everyone enjoyed the afternoon/evening together, and 9:30 pm I was pretty tuckered out. My wife's generosity was very nice on Sunday. She gave me a card, from our dog of course, and after my shower, gave me a massage.....something that hasn't happened in years...and it was longer than the 5 minutes I thought I was going to get. Lasted more like 15. She's not the best massuese in the world, but that doesn't really matter....the fact that she attempted and did so for at least 15 minutes and helped cook and clean was very nice.
The only dissapointing facet of the day was the no call from my step-daughter. Nope...no call, no text, no email, no card...nada. Well, I kinda expected that to begin with, but I suppose even knowing that ahead of time and setting my expectations to zero...still 'stings' a bit.
It's a good thing I put in for Monday off, as I really needed to sleep in. My wife and I spent the day together cleaning up the house...I even steam-cleaned the carpet downstairs. Took myself to see Green Lantern...(I liked it BTW)...rebuilt my grandafathers PC, and was in bed again at 10pm last night, but that was mostly due to my medication kicking my butt.
Now I'm back to work, and we're a bit short handed today, but it' super slow. 3.5 more days until the weekend.
June 13, 2011
Christmas in June
It happened so quickly, I had to do a double take in my head and play it back quickly to make sure I heard right.
Friday night after work I went to the gym and had a nice work out. I was feeling pretty strong as I finally had a nice outlet for my pent up anger the last few days.
When I got home, my neighbor called me over to take a look at his RV rental for the weekend which was pretty nice. My wife happened to be there as well and during a excited conversation taking place between some of my neighbors, my wife quickly turned to me when no one else was paying attention and said: "I'm sorry for the other night and picking a fight." and quickly turned back to the crowd.
Wow.
I sat there stunned, but I just nodded and said "Thank you." Yeah, I could've made a big deal out of it, talked about it more, tell her how it made me feel the last two days, etc., etc., but in the end, I figured it was much more humble to just accept it and move on.
I spent the rest of the weekend working diligently on a train model, playing my X-box, watching movies via Netflix, and doing some chores. The wife wasn't feeling well on Sunday, she spent most of the day on the couch, or in bed, but overall it was a nice and low-key weekend. Didn't want to get up this morning, work is extremely slow today....making me wish I wasn't here, but my wife still has no leads and so we have to watch our wallets. I had a $2.50 frozen lunch and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and counting the hours before I go home.
Friday night after work I went to the gym and had a nice work out. I was feeling pretty strong as I finally had a nice outlet for my pent up anger the last few days.
When I got home, my neighbor called me over to take a look at his RV rental for the weekend which was pretty nice. My wife happened to be there as well and during a excited conversation taking place between some of my neighbors, my wife quickly turned to me when no one else was paying attention and said: "I'm sorry for the other night and picking a fight." and quickly turned back to the crowd.
Wow.
I sat there stunned, but I just nodded and said "Thank you." Yeah, I could've made a big deal out of it, talked about it more, tell her how it made me feel the last two days, etc., etc., but in the end, I figured it was much more humble to just accept it and move on.
I spent the rest of the weekend working diligently on a train model, playing my X-box, watching movies via Netflix, and doing some chores. The wife wasn't feeling well on Sunday, she spent most of the day on the couch, or in bed, but overall it was a nice and low-key weekend. Didn't want to get up this morning, work is extremely slow today....making me wish I wasn't here, but my wife still has no leads and so we have to watch our wallets. I had a $2.50 frozen lunch and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and counting the hours before I go home.
June 10, 2011
....And 36 hours later....
....things are back to normal?
Yes, this morning when I awoke (about 30 minutes before my wife), I went ahead with my regular routine: coffee, clean-up, dress for work. And my wife begins talking to me like NOTHING HAPPENED Wed. night.
Huh?
Okay, so there's a white elephant in the room...at least there was yesterday. I walked away from a argument...one I didn't start or wanted to be a part of, and still scratching my head why it even happened to begin with. I was angry. I was upset. I walked away in the heat of her tirade lest I do/say something bad.
I stewed most of the day yesterday. We didn't speak at all. I left my house without a word and went about my day trying to put it out of my mind, but it's harder than you think, especially when you believe you're the victim of an unwarranted attack.
I knew yesterday she was going to go out with some of her friends in the evening for a 'GNO' as she calls it....girls night out. Yeah, I understand those....everyone needs to be around their own sex one in a while. I sometimes go out with my guy neighbors....but I usually reserve it for the weekends, or when we have extra money and I can buy a few beers. Anway, I decided to take myself out last night for a few hours as well. After I got home from work, I walked my dog briefly and then went to go see 'X-Men: First Class' in town (pretty darn good by the way...actually better than 'X-Men: Last Stand' from a few years ago).
By the end of the movie, a good portion of my anger had finally subsided, but was still there. I got home at 9:30pm....wife was still out. I ended up skipping dinner and despite the temptation to have an adult beverage, I also passed on that as well. Figuring I needed a good night sleep, I took an OTC sleeping aid and settled into bed at 10pm, dog nestled by my side.
Unsure when my wife actually came home, but somewhere around midnight I was briefly awakened by her getting into bed. My viens were like ice for a second, waiting for her to acknowledge me or try to wake me up to talk, but she didn't, and I was glad for that. I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.
When I first got up this morning, my anger and disapointment was still there, but only a fraction of what it was. In all honesty, I really didn't want to talk to her at all again.....I contemplated just walking back out the door like I did yesterday. But I was reading the bible yesterday about 'anger'....and all the regular verses of forgiviness, slow to anger, don't let the sun go down on your wrath,....blah, blah, blah. I was reading it, but it wasn't sinking in....or I wasn't allowing it to sink in.
Anyway, I figured I should at least say "Good-bye" and kiss her on the forehead, and with any luck, she'd leave me alone and I can escape. It's too early for round 2 and I don't want to start my day off with that. So I leaned over, and kissed her and said good-by and walked downstairs.
A minute or so later, my wife arose and came down as well....and started talking to me like Wed. never happened. I didn't stay long, I really was on my way out the door, but these actions or complete emotional reversals, or situational denials, or whatever you want to call them always throw me for a loop. It's her typical M.O.: pretend nothing happened, offer no apology, don't talk about it, just wipe out the last 36 hours with a magic wand and magically Wed. afternoon blends into Friday morning, Drives me insane.
I was super hungry this morning since I skipped dinner last night, so I took myself to a bagel shop this morning. I weighed in at 217lbs this morning a few pounds up from a month ago, but down a few lbs from earlier in the week. I had a cheddar-pesto bagel with sun-dried tomato spread, fresh cucumbers and fresh tomatos and a cup of coffee. It was was delicious.
Yes, this morning when I awoke (about 30 minutes before my wife), I went ahead with my regular routine: coffee, clean-up, dress for work. And my wife begins talking to me like NOTHING HAPPENED Wed. night.
Huh?
Okay, so there's a white elephant in the room...at least there was yesterday. I walked away from a argument...one I didn't start or wanted to be a part of, and still scratching my head why it even happened to begin with. I was angry. I was upset. I walked away in the heat of her tirade lest I do/say something bad.
I stewed most of the day yesterday. We didn't speak at all. I left my house without a word and went about my day trying to put it out of my mind, but it's harder than you think, especially when you believe you're the victim of an unwarranted attack.
I knew yesterday she was going to go out with some of her friends in the evening for a 'GNO' as she calls it....girls night out. Yeah, I understand those....everyone needs to be around their own sex one in a while. I sometimes go out with my guy neighbors....but I usually reserve it for the weekends, or when we have extra money and I can buy a few beers. Anway, I decided to take myself out last night for a few hours as well. After I got home from work, I walked my dog briefly and then went to go see 'X-Men: First Class' in town (pretty darn good by the way...actually better than 'X-Men: Last Stand' from a few years ago).
By the end of the movie, a good portion of my anger had finally subsided, but was still there. I got home at 9:30pm....wife was still out. I ended up skipping dinner and despite the temptation to have an adult beverage, I also passed on that as well. Figuring I needed a good night sleep, I took an OTC sleeping aid and settled into bed at 10pm, dog nestled by my side.
Unsure when my wife actually came home, but somewhere around midnight I was briefly awakened by her getting into bed. My viens were like ice for a second, waiting for her to acknowledge me or try to wake me up to talk, but she didn't, and I was glad for that. I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.
When I first got up this morning, my anger and disapointment was still there, but only a fraction of what it was. In all honesty, I really didn't want to talk to her at all again.....I contemplated just walking back out the door like I did yesterday. But I was reading the bible yesterday about 'anger'....and all the regular verses of forgiviness, slow to anger, don't let the sun go down on your wrath,....blah, blah, blah. I was reading it, but it wasn't sinking in....or I wasn't allowing it to sink in.
Anyway, I figured I should at least say "Good-bye" and kiss her on the forehead, and with any luck, she'd leave me alone and I can escape. It's too early for round 2 and I don't want to start my day off with that. So I leaned over, and kissed her and said good-by and walked downstairs.
A minute or so later, my wife arose and came down as well....and started talking to me like Wed. never happened. I didn't stay long, I really was on my way out the door, but these actions or complete emotional reversals, or situational denials, or whatever you want to call them always throw me for a loop. It's her typical M.O.: pretend nothing happened, offer no apology, don't talk about it, just wipe out the last 36 hours with a magic wand and magically Wed. afternoon blends into Friday morning, Drives me insane.
I was super hungry this morning since I skipped dinner last night, so I took myself to a bagel shop this morning. I weighed in at 217lbs this morning a few pounds up from a month ago, but down a few lbs from earlier in the week. I had a cheddar-pesto bagel with sun-dried tomato spread, fresh cucumbers and fresh tomatos and a cup of coffee. It was was delicious.
June 09, 2011
"You owe me!"
That thought came into my head today at lunch and I instantly knew it was wrong.
It was birthed by my festering foul mood that is ongoing, even now, as I write this. Here's to hoping that my blog today will let me express my anger (whether justified...or not) and prove to be the therapuetic tool I often pretend it to be.
Thinsg have been going well for all intents and purposes between my wife and I as of late...that it the last few weeks anyway. She even took me to a very nice lunch yesterday and we had been spending more time with each other as of late which is something I have often longed for.
Last night I was watching television at around 10pm and out of nowhere my wife asks me: "Have I been a bitch this last week?"
Uh, oh. This cannot be a good sign under any circumstances and the timing of the question seems odd to me.
I sat silent for a what seemed liked two-three minutes (actually more like only 15 seconds actually transpired but my silence was an awkward pause of really trying to examine her question) and a few thoughts raced in my head all at once: 1) Why is she asking this? 2) ::I replayed the events of the past 2 weeks in my head, seriously searching for a 'questionable' moment::, 3) What is she really asking and why? 4) How do I answer?
I couldn't really think of a bad moment, and cautiously answered "No.", waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who asks this at 10pm on a Wed. night if they don't have something on their mind?
I won't go into the blow by blow accounts, but before I knew it I heard myself saying "Really? You want to pick a fight at 10:20pm....out of nowhere....when I am just minding my own business watching TV?"
She said this wasn't a fight....but I know better than that by now. No matter what I say, or don't say...I am not going to escape this. Sure as shit...she was on a mission....she had a burr up her behind about something (I still don't know what)...and before I knew it I'm on the defensive in regards to things that: A) Were never said, B) Never transpired, C) And other "facts" were created out of thin-air.
I felt completely blind-sided, ambushed, and 'talked-down' to for the better half of 30 minutes. By this time, I am getting heated myself. I start to swear, I start to raise my voice, I de-evolved myself to a pointing-finger high school brat (something I am quite aware of....and certainly not proud of).
Once again, trying to regain my composure and put an end to "who knows what", I pointed out she started this...not me...I was just watching TV and getting ready for bed.
The icing of the cake was the moment she said to me: "You put me down."
WHAT?????
Since my wife has lost her job about 5 weeks back (she still isn't working), I have completely stayed out of her way....VERY SENSITIVE to the fact she's feeling vulnerable and scared. I feel I have been very supportive in her downtime. I have often thanked her for cleaning the house, cooking meals, walking the dog more oftenm taking me to lunch. Never once have I demanded to see her resume, asked who, when and how many resumes she sent out or how the job search is going. I haven't asked her to clean, to cook (maybe walk the dog so I didn't have to when I came home), and I AM PUTTING HER DOWN?
I ask "How?" "How am I putting you down?" "What have I said or done?" At this point I have reached my limit. I am pissed. I am angry. I am livid we are at each others throat at 10:45pm...and I still can't even tell you how this spun out of control. I finally said I was "Done" And "I'm going to bed".
"No your not.", she said. "I am talking to you and you are going to listen."
"No, You have talked for 45 minutes and I have listened. It's late, I don't want to fight, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or why I am on the defensive."
I know myself....well enough....that I have to walk away right now, despite her needling, lest I REALLY say or DO something we (more so me) will regret. She yelled after me..."F"-it...I just walked upstairs and went to bed....angry at about 11:15.
She finally came up at around midnight and went to bed as well, but nothing was said to me.
I woke up at 3am....still angry....and asked Jesus to lift my anger so I could get back to sleep. I prayed a simple prayer and was back to sleep in minutes....only to get up at 6:30 am still angry.
I got ready for work by myself and left without saying "Goodbye". Yes, I should be the bigger person. I should say "Good-bye" and tell her I "love" her because you never know if today is going to be your last day....But I didn't and I'm still mad.
I'm also mad she hasn't attempted to contact me yet so far today to either: a) apologize, b) see how I am doing. No "sorry" isn't in her vocabulary.
So anyway, what up with "You owe me"?
I was sitting at lunch, thinking about...trying to piece together....what in the hell happened last night. After a few weeks of getting along just fine, better than fine mind you...seeing a glimmer of my old wife, she wants to start a self-made tussle.
I was angry at God. "You owe me." came from the thought that for all the 'crap' I put up with, I figure God better have something good for me in the end. I need a pass into heaven, a sure thing to peace and joy and happiness...damn everyone else. So un-christian and oh-so-human.
No...Damn me. Damn me for getting sucked into an immature, finger pointing argument. Damn me for going to bed angry and letting this anger consume me today. Damn me for 'demanding' God owes me anything at all.
Sigh.
Anger is such a consuming emotion and serves no purpose other than taking our eyes of the big picture.
It was birthed by my festering foul mood that is ongoing, even now, as I write this. Here's to hoping that my blog today will let me express my anger (whether justified...or not) and prove to be the therapuetic tool I often pretend it to be.
Thinsg have been going well for all intents and purposes between my wife and I as of late...that it the last few weeks anyway. She even took me to a very nice lunch yesterday and we had been spending more time with each other as of late which is something I have often longed for.
Last night I was watching television at around 10pm and out of nowhere my wife asks me: "Have I been a bitch this last week?"
Uh, oh. This cannot be a good sign under any circumstances and the timing of the question seems odd to me.
I sat silent for a what seemed liked two-three minutes (actually more like only 15 seconds actually transpired but my silence was an awkward pause of really trying to examine her question) and a few thoughts raced in my head all at once: 1) Why is she asking this? 2) ::I replayed the events of the past 2 weeks in my head, seriously searching for a 'questionable' moment::, 3) What is she really asking and why? 4) How do I answer?
I couldn't really think of a bad moment, and cautiously answered "No.", waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who asks this at 10pm on a Wed. night if they don't have something on their mind?
I won't go into the blow by blow accounts, but before I knew it I heard myself saying "Really? You want to pick a fight at 10:20pm....out of nowhere....when I am just minding my own business watching TV?"
She said this wasn't a fight....but I know better than that by now. No matter what I say, or don't say...I am not going to escape this. Sure as shit...she was on a mission....she had a burr up her behind about something (I still don't know what)...and before I knew it I'm on the defensive in regards to things that: A) Were never said, B) Never transpired, C) And other "facts" were created out of thin-air.
I felt completely blind-sided, ambushed, and 'talked-down' to for the better half of 30 minutes. By this time, I am getting heated myself. I start to swear, I start to raise my voice, I de-evolved myself to a pointing-finger high school brat (something I am quite aware of....and certainly not proud of).
Once again, trying to regain my composure and put an end to "who knows what", I pointed out she started this...not me...I was just watching TV and getting ready for bed.
The icing of the cake was the moment she said to me: "You put me down."
WHAT?????
Since my wife has lost her job about 5 weeks back (she still isn't working), I have completely stayed out of her way....VERY SENSITIVE to the fact she's feeling vulnerable and scared. I feel I have been very supportive in her downtime. I have often thanked her for cleaning the house, cooking meals, walking the dog more oftenm taking me to lunch. Never once have I demanded to see her resume, asked who, when and how many resumes she sent out or how the job search is going. I haven't asked her to clean, to cook (maybe walk the dog so I didn't have to when I came home), and I AM PUTTING HER DOWN?
I ask "How?" "How am I putting you down?" "What have I said or done?" At this point I have reached my limit. I am pissed. I am angry. I am livid we are at each others throat at 10:45pm...and I still can't even tell you how this spun out of control. I finally said I was "Done" And "I'm going to bed".
"No your not.", she said. "I am talking to you and you are going to listen."
"No, You have talked for 45 minutes and I have listened. It's late, I don't want to fight, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or why I am on the defensive."
I know myself....well enough....that I have to walk away right now, despite her needling, lest I REALLY say or DO something we (more so me) will regret. She yelled after me..."F"-it...I just walked upstairs and went to bed....angry at about 11:15.
She finally came up at around midnight and went to bed as well, but nothing was said to me.
I woke up at 3am....still angry....and asked Jesus to lift my anger so I could get back to sleep. I prayed a simple prayer and was back to sleep in minutes....only to get up at 6:30 am still angry.
I got ready for work by myself and left without saying "Goodbye". Yes, I should be the bigger person. I should say "Good-bye" and tell her I "love" her because you never know if today is going to be your last day....But I didn't and I'm still mad.
I'm also mad she hasn't attempted to contact me yet so far today to either: a) apologize, b) see how I am doing. No "sorry" isn't in her vocabulary.
So anyway, what up with "You owe me"?
I was sitting at lunch, thinking about...trying to piece together....what in the hell happened last night. After a few weeks of getting along just fine, better than fine mind you...seeing a glimmer of my old wife, she wants to start a self-made tussle.
I was angry at God. "You owe me." came from the thought that for all the 'crap' I put up with, I figure God better have something good for me in the end. I need a pass into heaven, a sure thing to peace and joy and happiness...damn everyone else. So un-christian and oh-so-human.
No...Damn me. Damn me for getting sucked into an immature, finger pointing argument. Damn me for going to bed angry and letting this anger consume me today. Damn me for 'demanding' God owes me anything at all.
Sigh.
Anger is such a consuming emotion and serves no purpose other than taking our eyes of the big picture.
May 17, 2011
Tired - a side effect
Even though today I forgot to take my pill, the previous 6 days I've been good and on track. Perhaps its the gloomy and rainy weather today, but I am tired.
I actually took a little power nap in my car at lunch today since I mostly eat at my desk these days to help save money. But I'm having a hard time shaking the cobwebs outta my head right now, and I know I could easily fall back asleep if I had the chance.
I'm pretty sure that's one of the side effects of my pills. It doesn't matter if I have my obligatory 3-4 cups of coffee in the morning, a very light lunch (today was cup of noodles), or some tea in the afternoon. I just get plumb tuckered out. Also doesn't help that work has been slow thus far the last two days and I'm passing the time by studying slef-paced Microsoft Power Point lessons.
My wife has her first interview today. First one in over 12 years and I know she's a bit scared. She also let me know she applied for another job yesterday.
Overall our relationship this past week has been pretty good. She's actually been quite nice to me, although an incident late Friday had me a bit befuddled (though I blame the copious amount of adult beverages she had). Yesterday I came home to a cleaned kitchen and master bath, and she's been quite personable to me. I wish we had more of this and less of the other.
Church was nice on Sunday. I really needed it just to lift my spirits in general.
Speaking of God, I read a story that some guy in New York just spent all of his life savings (over $100k?) to take out ads all over the city at bus stops and billboards stating the end of the world was coming this Saturday....May 21st. I know he's not the only one who thinks this, but I suppose we'll all see one way or another. What happens 'if' we wake up on the 22nd. How does he cope knowing his faith has been shattered and he's now broke?
Personally I try not to think of this stuff because the topic does scare me although I'd like to think I'm going to be the Lord....but He says only He knows the hour and day on which the end takes place....not us. Besides, there's a ton of movies I'd like to see first, a few more books I'd like to read, and a few more BBQ's to host.
I actually took a little power nap in my car at lunch today since I mostly eat at my desk these days to help save money. But I'm having a hard time shaking the cobwebs outta my head right now, and I know I could easily fall back asleep if I had the chance.
I'm pretty sure that's one of the side effects of my pills. It doesn't matter if I have my obligatory 3-4 cups of coffee in the morning, a very light lunch (today was cup of noodles), or some tea in the afternoon. I just get plumb tuckered out. Also doesn't help that work has been slow thus far the last two days and I'm passing the time by studying slef-paced Microsoft Power Point lessons.
My wife has her first interview today. First one in over 12 years and I know she's a bit scared. She also let me know she applied for another job yesterday.
Overall our relationship this past week has been pretty good. She's actually been quite nice to me, although an incident late Friday had me a bit befuddled (though I blame the copious amount of adult beverages she had). Yesterday I came home to a cleaned kitchen and master bath, and she's been quite personable to me. I wish we had more of this and less of the other.
Church was nice on Sunday. I really needed it just to lift my spirits in general.
Speaking of God, I read a story that some guy in New York just spent all of his life savings (over $100k?) to take out ads all over the city at bus stops and billboards stating the end of the world was coming this Saturday....May 21st. I know he's not the only one who thinks this, but I suppose we'll all see one way or another. What happens 'if' we wake up on the 22nd. How does he cope knowing his faith has been shattered and he's now broke?
Personally I try not to think of this stuff because the topic does scare me although I'd like to think I'm going to be the Lord....but He says only He knows the hour and day on which the end takes place....not us. Besides, there's a ton of movies I'd like to see first, a few more books I'd like to read, and a few more BBQ's to host.
May 11, 2011
Hump Day
Today is day two that I remembered to take my pill.
Last night after work I went to the gym, rode the bike for approx 20 minutes, and then bombed my biceps for a bit. Once I came home I BBQ'd some marinated chicken breasts, blacks beans, and cilantro/lime rice. Overall very healthy, and my wife was appreciative. We caught up on some recorded television, and for the most part I hung low.
This morning before I left for work, feeling somewhat re-energized I asked my wife to do the following: 1) Call back a person who called 2 days ago about setting up an interview....even if she doesn't want the job, it'll be good practice to interview with someone and get pointers after not being in that position for over 11 years. 2) Call her old company up and figure out where her check is. She was supposed to get a check last Friday, and as of yesterday (Tuesday), my wife still hadn't received anything which makes me nervous. So she has to figure out what happened. 3) And I asked her to listen or attempt to listen to at least 1 CD from a Christain series I got some time back on the topic of 'Marriage' from "Growing Through Grace". She said she would.
It's a 6 CD- series, and I admit, I myself have only listened to the first 2, but I said if she listened to them, I would as well. The two that I did listen to for myself were very helpful...although that was a few months back, and I may need to re-listen to help me remember all the exact content.
I did opt to take Friday off, and it was approved. My plan is to see Thor early in the afternoon, even if it is by myself. I may call my dad to see if he wants to meet me for breakfast. That should be nice.
I pray that my work goes by fast today, or at least I keep busy enough where it does go by fast. Periods of dullness lead to unhealthy thoughts.
Speaking of praying, I prayed quite a bit this morning. Mostly for me and my wife, but also other people I know are having thier own issues...I know I'm not the only person.
Last night after work I went to the gym, rode the bike for approx 20 minutes, and then bombed my biceps for a bit. Once I came home I BBQ'd some marinated chicken breasts, blacks beans, and cilantro/lime rice. Overall very healthy, and my wife was appreciative. We caught up on some recorded television, and for the most part I hung low.
This morning before I left for work, feeling somewhat re-energized I asked my wife to do the following: 1) Call back a person who called 2 days ago about setting up an interview....even if she doesn't want the job, it'll be good practice to interview with someone and get pointers after not being in that position for over 11 years. 2) Call her old company up and figure out where her check is. She was supposed to get a check last Friday, and as of yesterday (Tuesday), my wife still hadn't received anything which makes me nervous. So she has to figure out what happened. 3) And I asked her to listen or attempt to listen to at least 1 CD from a Christain series I got some time back on the topic of 'Marriage' from "Growing Through Grace". She said she would.
It's a 6 CD- series, and I admit, I myself have only listened to the first 2, but I said if she listened to them, I would as well. The two that I did listen to for myself were very helpful...although that was a few months back, and I may need to re-listen to help me remember all the exact content.
I did opt to take Friday off, and it was approved. My plan is to see Thor early in the afternoon, even if it is by myself. I may call my dad to see if he wants to meet me for breakfast. That should be nice.
I pray that my work goes by fast today, or at least I keep busy enough where it does go by fast. Periods of dullness lead to unhealthy thoughts.
Speaking of praying, I prayed quite a bit this morning. Mostly for me and my wife, but also other people I know are having thier own issues...I know I'm not the only person.
May 10, 2011
Whining
After I posted yesterday, I had a lot of time to reflect for the remainder of the day, and I can't help but feel I came across a little whiny. However, that was how I was feeling at the time so I am unsure if apologies are in order or not.
Yesterday afternoon and early evening proved to be yet another internal battle I often have with myself: trying to be brave, asserting my confidence, growing a backbone on one side, but at the same time feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt, vulnerable, and once again....fantasizing I was someone else and somewhere else.
As I stated it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not because I don't love my wife, but knowing what my SIL revealed to me in a phone conversation on how my wife supposedly felt about me while somewhat intoxicated didn't make me feel like celebrating her day....especially when my birthday was almost two months ago and my wife more or less shined it altogether.
But I sucked it up and tried to be a man about it and despite my indifferent feelings I went ahead anyway and met her and 'our' friends. I only stayed about 2 hours, and a few people bought me some drinks. Many of these people are my friends as well, and it was nice to see them. The real surprise of the evening is that my wife paid attention to me...she told me she loved me a few times...and even kissed me in public. And she was sober.
Talk about confusing emotions for me. I have no idea where I stand anymore. One day I am a horrible step-father who needs to 'grow a pair of balls' (per my SIL), the next day my wife tells me how much she loves me, wants to go dancing with me, and is planning to take me to dinner on Friday.
Do you guys understand why I want to pull my hair out at times? I have a feeling my SIL and BIL may have pointed some stuff out to my wife (in my favor) that maybe she really didn't recognize on her own...If that is the case, then I owe them my gratitude....but that all could be wishful thinking on my part and the furthest thing from reality.
I took a 'pill' this morning...and I can tell my body was devoid of the chemicals before. The last hour or so, I get these little flashes that last only about a second in my head...kind of like a head rush or adrenaline. This is a mild side-effect and always occurs when I'm on my meds. I guess it just feel more pronounced today. Too bad it takes 2 weeks of taking them every day for them to kick in....so I suppose my chemicals will be out of whack...again...the next few days.
Speaking of which, I had to call my therapist this morning and explain that my wife lost her job and our medical benefits are in flux and I can no longer pay for my weekly sessions right now. Maybe when my wife gets a new job, or I can sign up for benefits at my job (*sigh) I can go again....but for the forseeable future, I'm on my own.
I really didn't want to go to work today. I really wanted to stay home, play with my dog, work on my models and just take a personal day. Instead, I came in this morning and asked for Friday off and it was granted. I have enough vacation time saved up...Lord knows we can't afford to go anywhere.
I have a gift certifcate to the movies, so I may treat myself to Thor in the afternoon.
Yesterday afternoon and early evening proved to be yet another internal battle I often have with myself: trying to be brave, asserting my confidence, growing a backbone on one side, but at the same time feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt, vulnerable, and once again....fantasizing I was someone else and somewhere else.
As I stated it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not because I don't love my wife, but knowing what my SIL revealed to me in a phone conversation on how my wife supposedly felt about me while somewhat intoxicated didn't make me feel like celebrating her day....especially when my birthday was almost two months ago and my wife more or less shined it altogether.
But I sucked it up and tried to be a man about it and despite my indifferent feelings I went ahead anyway and met her and 'our' friends. I only stayed about 2 hours, and a few people bought me some drinks. Many of these people are my friends as well, and it was nice to see them. The real surprise of the evening is that my wife paid attention to me...she told me she loved me a few times...and even kissed me in public. And she was sober.
Talk about confusing emotions for me. I have no idea where I stand anymore. One day I am a horrible step-father who needs to 'grow a pair of balls' (per my SIL), the next day my wife tells me how much she loves me, wants to go dancing with me, and is planning to take me to dinner on Friday.
Do you guys understand why I want to pull my hair out at times? I have a feeling my SIL and BIL may have pointed some stuff out to my wife (in my favor) that maybe she really didn't recognize on her own...If that is the case, then I owe them my gratitude....but that all could be wishful thinking on my part and the furthest thing from reality.
I took a 'pill' this morning...and I can tell my body was devoid of the chemicals before. The last hour or so, I get these little flashes that last only about a second in my head...kind of like a head rush or adrenaline. This is a mild side-effect and always occurs when I'm on my meds. I guess it just feel more pronounced today. Too bad it takes 2 weeks of taking them every day for them to kick in....so I suppose my chemicals will be out of whack...again...the next few days.
Speaking of which, I had to call my therapist this morning and explain that my wife lost her job and our medical benefits are in flux and I can no longer pay for my weekly sessions right now. Maybe when my wife gets a new job, or I can sign up for benefits at my job (*sigh) I can go again....but for the forseeable future, I'm on my own.
I really didn't want to go to work today. I really wanted to stay home, play with my dog, work on my models and just take a personal day. Instead, I came in this morning and asked for Friday off and it was granted. I have enough vacation time saved up...Lord knows we can't afford to go anywhere.
I have a gift certifcate to the movies, so I may treat myself to Thor in the afternoon.
May 09, 2011
Flat Tire #2
Last week, my Wed. was shot to heck by an unexpected flat tire. I was originally scheduled to have last Friday off, but since I spent the majority of the day waiting for my tire to get fixed, I had to swap out my vacation day for Wed. instead.
Well, as luck...or lack of luck would have it, I awoke this morning to now find my left front tire flat. Are you kidding me? That's 2 flat tires within 5 days! I didn't drive my car yesterday, so if it happened, it had to have happened on Saturday as I did some chores around town as trouble for my efforts got a slow leaking puncture.
The nice thing was my boss was understanding when I called (personally I'm glad I have a phone that can take pictures to prove it just in case), because I'm not sure I would have believed me if I were in her shoes.
The other good thing is I think the guy at the tire store felt pity for me from last Wed., because he patched this one at no charge, and I was on my way within 45 minutes. But he did show me that all 4 of my tires (each are 3.5 years old) were soon to be replaced, and it would roughly cost me $450 to get all done in the future...great.
In other news, I've been off my meds for over a week now. I just keep forgetting to take them....plain and simple.
Yesterday, my wife had a mini-melt down of her own. I know this may sound bad coming from me (who is supposed to be sensitive to her and loving and caring), but in a way, I was kinda glad to see it. Not that she was hurting per-se, but the fact that there are some 'feelings' within her, and it just isn't me that makes her upset. Her own mother asked some questions to her, and I'm pretty sure my wife was not expecting to be put on the spot and face reality.
I stayed out of it and actually removed myself from the situation altogether. It boils down to my mother-in-law asked my wife what her priorities were these days, now that's she's not working. She told my wife to watch her money, not to spend/blow it, etc. etc. Although I agree 100%, I'm glad my M-I-L took it upon herself to interject, and nothing to do with me at all. I didn't bring it up, encourage it, nothing. I was a casual observer from the next room, but I was curious how my wife would react and handle herself....apparently not very well.
I eventually left for home and my wife stayed behind to talk with her own sister and brother-in-law and came home much later. My sister-in-law called me today to share what happened.
"Your wife....my sister....needs help."
Yes she does.
My S-I-L explained that my wife went on for the next few hours blaming everyone else for her woes...her mom, me, her ex co-workers who are 'conspiring' against her, but never once took responsibility for any of her actions. She's mad at me for some trivial things....things I didn't even know about. But my BIL and SIL came to my defense and said "How would he know...if you never told him?" And "Well Missy....you got a quite a few things you need to change as well, because they are questionable...at best." The bad news, however, is my wife doesn't think they are an issue with her....Again...it's everybody else (me included, and I've probably got the biggest chunk).
While both my SIL and BIl acknowledged that my wife may have 'some' points, they also told me they believe them to be either exaggerated to some extent, perhaps a little questionable, or at the very least, my wife 'believes' them to be true in her own mind.
But in the end, both my SIL and BIL expressed that she needs to help herself, admit to some of her own issues, and take some responsibility herself. While I am glad my sister in law called me up to tell me what's up, or what happened after I left, I'm not encouraged by the fact that my wife is STILL in a huge case of denial.
Not the way I wanted to end my day today. It's actually my wife's birthday today, and now I gotta go to a 'party' that her enabler friends put together and 'pretend' I'm so excited knowing my wife who just told me she "loved" me this morning (was it after the alcohol wore off maybe?)basically thinks I'm a lousy step-father and crappy husband to her sister and brother-in-law.
Yay me!
Well, as luck...or lack of luck would have it, I awoke this morning to now find my left front tire flat. Are you kidding me? That's 2 flat tires within 5 days! I didn't drive my car yesterday, so if it happened, it had to have happened on Saturday as I did some chores around town as trouble for my efforts got a slow leaking puncture.
The nice thing was my boss was understanding when I called (personally I'm glad I have a phone that can take pictures to prove it just in case), because I'm not sure I would have believed me if I were in her shoes.
The other good thing is I think the guy at the tire store felt pity for me from last Wed., because he patched this one at no charge, and I was on my way within 45 minutes. But he did show me that all 4 of my tires (each are 3.5 years old) were soon to be replaced, and it would roughly cost me $450 to get all done in the future...great.
In other news, I've been off my meds for over a week now. I just keep forgetting to take them....plain and simple.
Yesterday, my wife had a mini-melt down of her own. I know this may sound bad coming from me (who is supposed to be sensitive to her and loving and caring), but in a way, I was kinda glad to see it. Not that she was hurting per-se, but the fact that there are some 'feelings' within her, and it just isn't me that makes her upset. Her own mother asked some questions to her, and I'm pretty sure my wife was not expecting to be put on the spot and face reality.
I stayed out of it and actually removed myself from the situation altogether. It boils down to my mother-in-law asked my wife what her priorities were these days, now that's she's not working. She told my wife to watch her money, not to spend/blow it, etc. etc. Although I agree 100%, I'm glad my M-I-L took it upon herself to interject, and nothing to do with me at all. I didn't bring it up, encourage it, nothing. I was a casual observer from the next room, but I was curious how my wife would react and handle herself....apparently not very well.
I eventually left for home and my wife stayed behind to talk with her own sister and brother-in-law and came home much later. My sister-in-law called me today to share what happened.
"Your wife....my sister....needs help."
Yes she does.
My S-I-L explained that my wife went on for the next few hours blaming everyone else for her woes...her mom, me, her ex co-workers who are 'conspiring' against her, but never once took responsibility for any of her actions. She's mad at me for some trivial things....things I didn't even know about. But my BIL and SIL came to my defense and said "How would he know...if you never told him?" And "Well Missy....you got a quite a few things you need to change as well, because they are questionable...at best." The bad news, however, is my wife doesn't think they are an issue with her....Again...it's everybody else (me included, and I've probably got the biggest chunk).
While both my SIL and BIl acknowledged that my wife may have 'some' points, they also told me they believe them to be either exaggerated to some extent, perhaps a little questionable, or at the very least, my wife 'believes' them to be true in her own mind.
But in the end, both my SIL and BIL expressed that she needs to help herself, admit to some of her own issues, and take some responsibility herself. While I am glad my sister in law called me up to tell me what's up, or what happened after I left, I'm not encouraged by the fact that my wife is STILL in a huge case of denial.
Not the way I wanted to end my day today. It's actually my wife's birthday today, and now I gotta go to a 'party' that her enabler friends put together and 'pretend' I'm so excited knowing my wife who just told me she "loved" me this morning (was it after the alcohol wore off maybe?)basically thinks I'm a lousy step-father and crappy husband to her sister and brother-in-law.
Yay me!
May 06, 2011
On the brink (Part III)
I've been so busy with work and my mind has been going in so many different directions the last few days, I just can't seem to chronologically continue this recent episodic arc.
So instead of dragging this out for weeks on end (at my current pace of finding time to write), I'm just going to wrap this 'On the brink' continuing serial with the prominent highlights:
So instead of dragging this out for weeks on end (at my current pace of finding time to write), I'm just going to wrap this 'On the brink' continuing serial with the prominent highlights:
- I'm fogetting to take my pills on a daily basis: ergo, I can't even be sure right now if my mental state is stable because of the lingering medication, or something else.
- Just after I decided not to file papers against my wife, she got let go from her job of 11 years, thus we are down to my income and her on unemployment. So I exchanged one level of stress for another. Of course, our bills will now go up as her company used to pay both our home Internet and her cell phone. Now they don't. That's and increase of approx $120 a month on us to keep, and her income is less than half now based of EDD pay-outs.
- I talked my wife into going to church with me on Easter. She went, and Easter all around was okay.
- My 'new' cholesterol medicine is a bit strong and I've had a few allergic reactions to it to where the doctor has now also included me taking a Bayer aspirin at bedtime too, to offset side effects of cholesterol medicine.
- My 19 year old step daughter called my wife the other evening, and dropped a hint she wants to possibly move back in with us. Something I am not keen on as she was a huge source of drama in our house and a stressor to both my wife and myself. How do I put it nicely (I can't)....she was/is lazy and has an excuse for everything. It's my understanding that in the last 4 months, she has had to move at least 3 different times because she wasn't getting along with her room-mat at the time. Of course my daughter says it was 'never' her issues...Do you see a common denominator here? It's always 'someone elses' fault, never hers. So she possibly wants to move back so we can bail her out again? With what? My wife is now not working...so we are going to have two people not working in my house?
- Learned my cousin has stage 4 cancer and probably won't make it past next month.
- Last Saturday I went to a funeral of a family friend.
- Did I mention I'm under a lot of stress now? Yup, my sleeping patterns and relaxation are out the window right now. Wonder why?
- Earlier this week, I couldn't take it and just sat in my backyard and finished about .275ml of whisky by myself...not smart in hindsight...just wanted to be alone.
- On Wed., I got a flat tire on my way to work. Missed work all day to get it repaired and spent money we don't have and had to use a 'vacation' day (which wasn't a vacation).
- Because of my wife's lack of job, I have to cancel my appointments with my therapist. Can't afford to go to therapy anylonger on one income. My sessions were partially covered by my wife's health care plan, but not any longer. We have 90 days of COBRA, and then that's over.
Yup....pretty much sucks right now.
If you look at that list of crap, there is not one damn thing I can control or was a part of. Well, I suppose maybe my step-daughter....I can say 'No', but I won't. But her and I have to have a real 'heart-to-heart' talk if she thinks she's coming back. Things MUST change in that regard, and we must come to an agreement before she moves back in. No way in hell are things going to go back the way they were, with her loafing around all day long, not doing anything, copping an attitude and watching cartoons all day long while I'm at work providing for all of us. F___ that. And she's going to give me rent money, not her mom...because I'll never see any of it then.
May 02, 2011
On the brink (Part II)
As I stated on my last post, my going through with filing papers to initiate a divorce was halted at the eleventh hour.
I'd like to beleive that God finally gave me a sign, that He knew I was serious....seriously hurt, seriously doubting, seriously scared, seriously broken. I often wonder why God allows us all to continously go through stuff that we do. I don't know how many times I have heard from people that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I personally don't know how I feel about that statement or the underlying logic to it.
Different people have different breaking points. What seems like a hardship to one may seem trivial to another. I recall thinking (as mentioned in my last post), my life was about to enter a period of total chaos (although it is said almost 50% of American today experience divorce), but in the end I wasn't losing my life, or my world, like the people in Japan are currently suffering. Or like in Haiti last year, or Katrina a few years ago.
That fact alone is both humbling to me, and a cause of concern. I'm concerned because in the big picture of life my trials and tribulations do seem menial. But at the same time, do you know what it's like to live with a closet alcoholic? Do you know what it like to have full fledged depression? To wake up in the morning knowing a pill is waiting for you downstairs that 'may' balance out the chemicals in your head so you don't have thoughts of never waking up again? I do. And I'm not going to lie....depression sucks...and knowing God isn't a cure all for all people. I love God, I love Christ.....but that doesn't make me see rainbows everyday. Quite the contrary. I see evil, and corruption, and a sick world and a sick society all around me. I know people are destined for eternal condemnation, some even within my own family, and the task of trying to save those who don't want to be save is a daunting task.
So what else?
Well, I can tell you, it's not easy to remember my pills everyday. I was doing good for a while, but starting to forget again...like today....oh and yesterday. Great...just great. Doesn't do me any good if I keep forgetting, because according to the doctor and therapist, I'm supposed to take them every day to regulate my brain chemicals. Why can't I remember.
My mother-in-law contacted my mother just after this all went down a few weeks back. That's yet another reason I know my in-laws like me and care for me. They wanted to express their concerns and share with my parents (my dad already knew...I share with him more on these matters because my mom tends to over-react and then smother me and call me 20 times a day...I am her only son afterall).
The one thing I didn't expect was my mother-in-law to speak about my therapy. *Sigh*...Well, the cat is out of the bag now and of course my mom called me. Yes, I told her....your son speaks with a therapist. I think my mom was a little shocked and taken aback. I'm sure she thinks everything is like a 1950's movie where I'm laying down on a couch talking to a guy with a pipe who nods occasionally and suggests electro-shock therapy.
I can tell my mom is curious and wants to dig more, buts she's handling me with kid gloves at the same time. I don't think she knows I take pills (when I remember), or anti-anxiety drugs when I suffer panic attacks. And I don't have the heart to tell her (or my father) that I used to have suicidal thoughts. I have a feeling my mom would think I am 'crazy' and either try to smother me more with her love or try to 'fix' me her own way....if it were that simple.
How do you tell a parent....one who loves you so much....that they did nothing wrong, but you have a chemical imbalance in your head? That you look at life differently than almost everybody else around you? That there are periods....that creep up unexpectantly and at odd times....that makes you want to cry uncontrolably, or run-away, or worse. That people around you are enjoying the simple day to day things, but you secretly walk around with a fake smile exposed to the outside world while within a dark thunder cloud clings to your soul.
People say they'll pray for you, to take the heartache and pain away...but if there is any respite, it's only temporary at best, and I know deep down inside my personal demons will most likely return.
Anyway, my mom now knows I see a therapist but is not 100% sure why. The curiosity I'm sure is killing her, but she has no idea to what extent and I assume she thinks it's just about my marriage, and maybe a bad day at work here and there.
(To be continued)
I'd like to beleive that God finally gave me a sign, that He knew I was serious....seriously hurt, seriously doubting, seriously scared, seriously broken. I often wonder why God allows us all to continously go through stuff that we do. I don't know how many times I have heard from people that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I personally don't know how I feel about that statement or the underlying logic to it.
Different people have different breaking points. What seems like a hardship to one may seem trivial to another. I recall thinking (as mentioned in my last post), my life was about to enter a period of total chaos (although it is said almost 50% of American today experience divorce), but in the end I wasn't losing my life, or my world, like the people in Japan are currently suffering. Or like in Haiti last year, or Katrina a few years ago.
That fact alone is both humbling to me, and a cause of concern. I'm concerned because in the big picture of life my trials and tribulations do seem menial. But at the same time, do you know what it's like to live with a closet alcoholic? Do you know what it like to have full fledged depression? To wake up in the morning knowing a pill is waiting for you downstairs that 'may' balance out the chemicals in your head so you don't have thoughts of never waking up again? I do. And I'm not going to lie....depression sucks...and knowing God isn't a cure all for all people. I love God, I love Christ.....but that doesn't make me see rainbows everyday. Quite the contrary. I see evil, and corruption, and a sick world and a sick society all around me. I know people are destined for eternal condemnation, some even within my own family, and the task of trying to save those who don't want to be save is a daunting task.
So what else?
Well, I can tell you, it's not easy to remember my pills everyday. I was doing good for a while, but starting to forget again...like today....oh and yesterday. Great...just great. Doesn't do me any good if I keep forgetting, because according to the doctor and therapist, I'm supposed to take them every day to regulate my brain chemicals. Why can't I remember.
My mother-in-law contacted my mother just after this all went down a few weeks back. That's yet another reason I know my in-laws like me and care for me. They wanted to express their concerns and share with my parents (my dad already knew...I share with him more on these matters because my mom tends to over-react and then smother me and call me 20 times a day...I am her only son afterall).
The one thing I didn't expect was my mother-in-law to speak about my therapy. *Sigh*...Well, the cat is out of the bag now and of course my mom called me. Yes, I told her....your son speaks with a therapist. I think my mom was a little shocked and taken aback. I'm sure she thinks everything is like a 1950's movie where I'm laying down on a couch talking to a guy with a pipe who nods occasionally and suggests electro-shock therapy.
I can tell my mom is curious and wants to dig more, buts she's handling me with kid gloves at the same time. I don't think she knows I take pills (when I remember), or anti-anxiety drugs when I suffer panic attacks. And I don't have the heart to tell her (or my father) that I used to have suicidal thoughts. I have a feeling my mom would think I am 'crazy' and either try to smother me more with her love or try to 'fix' me her own way....if it were that simple.
How do you tell a parent....one who loves you so much....that they did nothing wrong, but you have a chemical imbalance in your head? That you look at life differently than almost everybody else around you? That there are periods....that creep up unexpectantly and at odd times....that makes you want to cry uncontrolably, or run-away, or worse. That people around you are enjoying the simple day to day things, but you secretly walk around with a fake smile exposed to the outside world while within a dark thunder cloud clings to your soul.
People say they'll pray for you, to take the heartache and pain away...but if there is any respite, it's only temporary at best, and I know deep down inside my personal demons will most likely return.
Anyway, my mom now knows I see a therapist but is not 100% sure why. The curiosity I'm sure is killing her, but she has no idea to what extent and I assume she thinks it's just about my marriage, and maybe a bad day at work here and there.
(To be continued)
April 28, 2011
On the brink (Part I)
Gosh...time does indeed fly when I take a moment to look back, but if I think in terms of day-to-day it sometimes seems to drag on forever. Thank goodness Heaven is supposedly outside of time, for I have had a horrible sense of time since my last entry. Was it really March 31st? Sorry folks.
The last four weeks has been all over the place. Some ups and downs (mostly downs), but I sit here today, now this afternoon in a state of reserved peace. Actually it's good I've been distracted the last few hours, as earlier this morning I was feeling quite anxious and irritable.
I'm not sure I'll be able to get everything that happened the last 4 weeks into this post...as a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I won't, so stick around for a few parts over the course of the next few days, but I'll do my best to highlight everything in the best chronological order that I can:
So four weeks ago I was in a bad place. My wife came home late one evening, with no phone call and was not in a position to drive. To say I was angry, dissappointed, and hurt are all understatements.
Despite my wife's earlier declaration that I never call her parents on matters such as these...I personally don't care. What is she going to withold intimacy from me? Well, our sex life is for crap anyway...so no loss on my end. She going to get more defensive and angry? Well, again...so what...she's already irrational and lives in a state of denial, so what does a guy who lives at the bottom of his own house have to lose?
Her mom came down the following day and with the support of my parents and my in-laws, I asked her to leave. My wife has a drinking problem, and although she can't admit it, other people are....except there in lies yet another problem. My wife surrounds herself with enablers. Most of her friends are on their second marriage, or seperated, in broken relationships with children, or never settled down. And here I sit...the un-fun guy (who used to be a lot of fun some would say) who found God. Darkness doesn't like the light because the light has a tendancy to expose, and no one (unless they are ready themselves) likes to be put in the spot light...exposed...naked...and take personal responsibility.
What ensued was not so pleasant a discussion, but thank goodness my mother-in-law stood beside me. As did my brother and sister in law. And my parents.
I was a little shocked on how many people on both sides of my family said it was time for a divorce....that I tried everything that I could, but I was clearly unhappy.....and a wreck...and going on for quite some time now.
I was getting advice from everyone except God, which led me to actually make an appointment with a lawyer. I had a consultation and I sat across from a female lawyer who after I explained everything, told me pretty confidently that I would win. I would keep 'my' house, not have to pay spousal support, she would have to assume her own debt, etc. etc.
If I were a 'soul-less' person,.....a person who didn't care,....I suppose I should be feeling elated....however, I was anything but giddy. I was miserable inside. I knew the next few weeks would be horrible, but I had visions in my head of living in 'our' house alone. How long could I swing this by myself? When would I 'need' to get a roommate? How would we divide the little stuff? The big stuff? I was also determined to keep 'my' dog, my very own slice of sanity that keeps me grounded.
I also had visions of dating again...but this time, making sure I'd be equally yoked. Was 5 months adequate? 6? 7? A year? Whoa...I'm getting ahead of myself, but I couldn't help but wonder what being married to someone else sometime down the line would feel like. Problem is, no matter how unhappy I am, I'm still in love (I don't know why) with my wife, and even though God has been silent, I felt I was letting Him down....that I couldn't keep His promise of 'for better or for worse'. God doesn't bless a marriage that is not biblical, but when we got married I though my wife was more biblical...and I thought I was moreso as well. The truth is, we were both secular, it was only later on I would re-discover God (and even today it can be a struggle).
How could I face my friends? My family? My neighbors? My church? Not only did I let them all down, but myself, and of course God.
Then those closest to me started to explain that God would forgive me. He wanted me to be happy. That it was 'okay' to leave my wife and time heals all wounds. Some of this advice came from other Christians.
But no matter how crappy I feel. No matter how many tears I shed, how many times I felt alone, how many times I didn't want to go home, or even wake up....it just didn't feel right.
And then God finally sent me a message.
No it wasn't audible. No booming voice. No physical touch on the head. No burning bush, or outline of Christ in my toast.
It came like this:
I was an email away from filing for speration. I was expecting the documents to come in the mail that day as a matter of fact. I turned on the radio on my way to work to a Christian station, and the message was all about (drum roll)....Marriage. Almost verbatim, word-for-word, the pastor spoke everything that I was feeling at that time, and told me that I was doing a diservice to God if I, as a Christian, left my wife. It was more complex that that, but that 30 minutes (the time it takes me to drive from my house to my job) this stranger ministered directly to ME.
It was then about an hour later that my own minister, from my own church called me on my cell phone and told me he was praying for me. He asked me what was going on, and I explained the events of the previous few days, and right then and there he spoke to me about marriage. "It's a marathon, not a sprint." My minister also echoed the sentiments of the radio host, and the coincidence of these two events with an hour of each other the day I was going to file papers was uncanny. I would also later learn that the lawyer got my email address wrong, and the paper work was bounced back.
Divine intervention?
Well, only God truly knows that, but I'd like to think my back was up against the wall...I was ready to sign...ready to divorce...ready to plunge my life in uncertainity with the hopes that 'someday' I might come out on the other end....happier.
That was 4 weeks ago as I write this, and it hasn't been a box of chocolates or a bed of roses since then, but things have gotten interesting....
(to be continued)
The last four weeks has been all over the place. Some ups and downs (mostly downs), but I sit here today, now this afternoon in a state of reserved peace. Actually it's good I've been distracted the last few hours, as earlier this morning I was feeling quite anxious and irritable.
I'm not sure I'll be able to get everything that happened the last 4 weeks into this post...as a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I won't, so stick around for a few parts over the course of the next few days, but I'll do my best to highlight everything in the best chronological order that I can:
So four weeks ago I was in a bad place. My wife came home late one evening, with no phone call and was not in a position to drive. To say I was angry, dissappointed, and hurt are all understatements.
Despite my wife's earlier declaration that I never call her parents on matters such as these...I personally don't care. What is she going to withold intimacy from me? Well, our sex life is for crap anyway...so no loss on my end. She going to get more defensive and angry? Well, again...so what...she's already irrational and lives in a state of denial, so what does a guy who lives at the bottom of his own house have to lose?
Her mom came down the following day and with the support of my parents and my in-laws, I asked her to leave. My wife has a drinking problem, and although she can't admit it, other people are....except there in lies yet another problem. My wife surrounds herself with enablers. Most of her friends are on their second marriage, or seperated, in broken relationships with children, or never settled down. And here I sit...the un-fun guy (who used to be a lot of fun some would say) who found God. Darkness doesn't like the light because the light has a tendancy to expose, and no one (unless they are ready themselves) likes to be put in the spot light...exposed...naked...and take personal responsibility.
What ensued was not so pleasant a discussion, but thank goodness my mother-in-law stood beside me. As did my brother and sister in law. And my parents.
I was a little shocked on how many people on both sides of my family said it was time for a divorce....that I tried everything that I could, but I was clearly unhappy.....and a wreck...and going on for quite some time now.
I was getting advice from everyone except God, which led me to actually make an appointment with a lawyer. I had a consultation and I sat across from a female lawyer who after I explained everything, told me pretty confidently that I would win. I would keep 'my' house, not have to pay spousal support, she would have to assume her own debt, etc. etc.
If I were a 'soul-less' person,.....a person who didn't care,....I suppose I should be feeling elated....however, I was anything but giddy. I was miserable inside. I knew the next few weeks would be horrible, but I had visions in my head of living in 'our' house alone. How long could I swing this by myself? When would I 'need' to get a roommate? How would we divide the little stuff? The big stuff? I was also determined to keep 'my' dog, my very own slice of sanity that keeps me grounded.
I also had visions of dating again...but this time, making sure I'd be equally yoked. Was 5 months adequate? 6? 7? A year? Whoa...I'm getting ahead of myself, but I couldn't help but wonder what being married to someone else sometime down the line would feel like. Problem is, no matter how unhappy I am, I'm still in love (I don't know why) with my wife, and even though God has been silent, I felt I was letting Him down....that I couldn't keep His promise of 'for better or for worse'. God doesn't bless a marriage that is not biblical, but when we got married I though my wife was more biblical...and I thought I was moreso as well. The truth is, we were both secular, it was only later on I would re-discover God (and even today it can be a struggle).
How could I face my friends? My family? My neighbors? My church? Not only did I let them all down, but myself, and of course God.
Then those closest to me started to explain that God would forgive me. He wanted me to be happy. That it was 'okay' to leave my wife and time heals all wounds. Some of this advice came from other Christians.
But no matter how crappy I feel. No matter how many tears I shed, how many times I felt alone, how many times I didn't want to go home, or even wake up....it just didn't feel right.
And then God finally sent me a message.
No it wasn't audible. No booming voice. No physical touch on the head. No burning bush, or outline of Christ in my toast.
It came like this:
I was an email away from filing for speration. I was expecting the documents to come in the mail that day as a matter of fact. I turned on the radio on my way to work to a Christian station, and the message was all about (drum roll)....Marriage. Almost verbatim, word-for-word, the pastor spoke everything that I was feeling at that time, and told me that I was doing a diservice to God if I, as a Christian, left my wife. It was more complex that that, but that 30 minutes (the time it takes me to drive from my house to my job) this stranger ministered directly to ME.
It was then about an hour later that my own minister, from my own church called me on my cell phone and told me he was praying for me. He asked me what was going on, and I explained the events of the previous few days, and right then and there he spoke to me about marriage. "It's a marathon, not a sprint." My minister also echoed the sentiments of the radio host, and the coincidence of these two events with an hour of each other the day I was going to file papers was uncanny. I would also later learn that the lawyer got my email address wrong, and the paper work was bounced back.
Divine intervention?
Well, only God truly knows that, but I'd like to think my back was up against the wall...I was ready to sign...ready to divorce...ready to plunge my life in uncertainity with the hopes that 'someday' I might come out on the other end....happier.
That was 4 weeks ago as I write this, and it hasn't been a box of chocolates or a bed of roses since then, but things have gotten interesting....
(to be continued)
March 31, 2011
Therapy, Part Duex
Well, I've been back on my anti-depressants for just over two weeks now (although I did forget to take one this morning), and I'm not sure they have kicked in or not. This past week especially I've had a lot of physical anxiety, precursor to a full fledged panic attack, on at least three seperate days now. This past Saturday was the worst where I broke down and took a pill to combat the feeling. Otherwise a steady stream of exercising, breathing exercises, and intense prayer only seem to have a temporary effect on me. My birthday sucked. That was two weeks ago, and for those that are wondering....no, I did not get anything, not even a card from my wife. On the 17th, instead of drinking green beer and 'whupping' it up at any watering hole, I was instead at therapy. I planned on an hour session and it came to be closer to an hour and half, maybe slightly more. There was a lot of self-pity and crying, but it felt good to get it out. The therapist gave me a book to borrow, "Don't seat the small stuff: For couples". The following few days, I devoured that book and it made a lot of sense....in the moment. But as is usually the case, mere hours after a temporary reprieve, I start feeling crappy again, a small ball of anxiety and sadness manifesting within my chest....sometime making it uncomfortable to breathe. I've realized I am so scared of rejection...of being alone...of taking the steps to start over yet again. Whereas divorce never entered my vocabulary a few years ago, the thought is populating my head more and more often. I have so much love to give someone, and the desire to share and to be wanted by my wife or anyone. I'm a decent looking guy. I actually got hit on the other day and it made me feel good, but then again, it wasn't my wife...the person I swore "For better or for worse, till death do us part". I know I could remarry...someday....but I don't want to. I don't understand why my wife is so hot and cold. After my session, the therapist asked me to ask my wife to attend the following week. To my surprise, my wife agreed. However, the session did not go as I envisioned it. I really...honestly....really tried to steer away from financial talk, but the therapist sensed a hot button and pushed. Once again, my (or our) hour session went almost 2 full hours with me crumbling near the end and realizing how resentful my wife is when it comes to the topic of money. But everytime I hear my wife explain or attempt to talk about it, I am always in utter shock on how much denial she is in when it comes to her part and responsibility for 'our' current situation. Even the therapist tried to point things out to her, but she wasn't hearing it, or if she was, it was in one ear and out the other. We are supposed to go again today at 5:30 and I'm looking forward to it. Just so I can release again. Hopefully my wife remembers. We were given a HW assignment from the therapist this past week. We were supposed to write each other a note everyday and place it for the other to find. A compliment. A word of encouragement. A loving word. I managed to do it 3 times for my wife. She never acknowledged any of them. In return she never wrote me one note. I'm hurt. This morning I awoke early from stress. I laid in bed, my eyes once again filling up with tears. I tried to hide them by washing my face with a wash cloth. My wife never noticed. Now that I sit and write this entry and look back over the past two weeks, I realize how hard I have tried...........and how little my wife has, if at all. I can't continue like this. Perhaps I do need to call that lawyer afterall next week. God...I hate my life right now again.
March 16, 2011
Birthday Blues
Today is my birthday.
And I feel sick to my stomach.
I took my pill this morning (Day 4), and have discovered my emotions are still stronger that the medication that most likely hasn't yet kicked in, and once I found myself in my car driving to work, couldn't help but have my eyes well up.
My wife got up slightly before me, (she rarely does), and by some small wishful fantasy of mine, I thought perhaps she might have gotten up early to put out a birthday card or present for me.
That wasn't the case. As I came downstairs to a pot of coffee I did get a "Happy Birthday" from her, and a peck of a kiss......but no card....and no present.
As long as I'm feeling sorry for myself, let me also say I received no email, card, or call from my step-daughter either. Still awaiting the 'thank you' for the present I sent her last month.
Really? Wow, why am I not surprised.
The day is still early, and I'd like to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I'm being very premature. Perhaps there will be a card waiting for me later tonight, maybe not. I don know she has told me that she has a softball game this evening at 7:30, so the earliest she will be home is around 8:45. There are no indications of any planned festivities this weekend and I suppose that's weighing on my mind as well. My wife planned on going to her sister's for dinner this upcoming Sunday and then my parents invited us both out to dinner for my birthday. I told my wife she was invited out with my parents, but instead of saying "okay, I'll call my sister and reschedule for another time.", I instead got....nothing. Yup...nothing.
I don't want to call my birthday a 'test', but in a way it is. I can honestly see where I rank, and it's not very high by my observations.
So do I continue to pray to God and hope this gets better...some day? Will that day be in a month? A year? A decade? I'm not sure I can last that long or want to wait that long any more.
The more and more I think about everything, and if I am really honest with myself, I don't have a partner in the biblical sense and more and more both my family and friends are telling me and have been telling me I'm getting walked on. So why don't I have a spine?
It's because I'm a dreamer. I want to be in-love. I want a real marriage, a real partner, a real best friend, a real person I can grow old with who respects me. I honestly don't feel I have that, nor do I feel I am going to get that anytime soon.
My biggest fear in all of this: being labeled a failure, another statistic, a man with baggage. I fear for losing my house, something I've tried so hard to keep and fought so hard for to keep us above water.
My inlaws, whom I have a great relationship with, are out of town for the next 2 weeks, and I really feel strongly that I need to see them on my own as a sit down as well as my own parents and explain my thoughts, concerns, and issues, so that if I do indeed decide to move forward in seeking legal counsel that this doesn't take them by surprise. I know for a fact my wife will be livid when she finds out I spoke to her parents and mine, but I really don't see any other option at this point and believe me, it won't be the first time she gets mad at me and gives me the silent treatment.
I see my counsler tonight. Did I already mention that? Yeah, I'm seeing one on my birthday to let it all out. I have no other plans anyway...apparently. I pary to God for a miracle, but to be honest, my prayers have pretty much have gone un-answered for quite some time now, so I don't have a lot of faith for divine intervention right about now, and that really sucks and makes me feel bad too. Chalk that up as a 'spiritual' failure in my book.
I do have a friend taking me out to lunch today and I've already shared much of this with him. He's a good guy and probably my best friend these days. But after lunch, I don't know if I can come back to work today. I'm just not 'feeling' it. I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have no desire to really interact with anyone else for fear of myself having a meltdown.
That's all for now.
And I feel sick to my stomach.
I took my pill this morning (Day 4), and have discovered my emotions are still stronger that the medication that most likely hasn't yet kicked in, and once I found myself in my car driving to work, couldn't help but have my eyes well up.
My wife got up slightly before me, (she rarely does), and by some small wishful fantasy of mine, I thought perhaps she might have gotten up early to put out a birthday card or present for me.
That wasn't the case. As I came downstairs to a pot of coffee I did get a "Happy Birthday" from her, and a peck of a kiss......but no card....and no present.
As long as I'm feeling sorry for myself, let me also say I received no email, card, or call from my step-daughter either. Still awaiting the 'thank you' for the present I sent her last month.
Really? Wow, why am I not surprised.
The day is still early, and I'd like to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I'm being very premature. Perhaps there will be a card waiting for me later tonight, maybe not. I don know she has told me that she has a softball game this evening at 7:30, so the earliest she will be home is around 8:45. There are no indications of any planned festivities this weekend and I suppose that's weighing on my mind as well. My wife planned on going to her sister's for dinner this upcoming Sunday and then my parents invited us both out to dinner for my birthday. I told my wife she was invited out with my parents, but instead of saying "okay, I'll call my sister and reschedule for another time.", I instead got....nothing. Yup...nothing.
I don't want to call my birthday a 'test', but in a way it is. I can honestly see where I rank, and it's not very high by my observations.
So do I continue to pray to God and hope this gets better...some day? Will that day be in a month? A year? A decade? I'm not sure I can last that long or want to wait that long any more.
The more and more I think about everything, and if I am really honest with myself, I don't have a partner in the biblical sense and more and more both my family and friends are telling me and have been telling me I'm getting walked on. So why don't I have a spine?
It's because I'm a dreamer. I want to be in-love. I want a real marriage, a real partner, a real best friend, a real person I can grow old with who respects me. I honestly don't feel I have that, nor do I feel I am going to get that anytime soon.
My biggest fear in all of this: being labeled a failure, another statistic, a man with baggage. I fear for losing my house, something I've tried so hard to keep and fought so hard for to keep us above water.
My inlaws, whom I have a great relationship with, are out of town for the next 2 weeks, and I really feel strongly that I need to see them on my own as a sit down as well as my own parents and explain my thoughts, concerns, and issues, so that if I do indeed decide to move forward in seeking legal counsel that this doesn't take them by surprise. I know for a fact my wife will be livid when she finds out I spoke to her parents and mine, but I really don't see any other option at this point and believe me, it won't be the first time she gets mad at me and gives me the silent treatment.
I see my counsler tonight. Did I already mention that? Yeah, I'm seeing one on my birthday to let it all out. I have no other plans anyway...apparently. I pary to God for a miracle, but to be honest, my prayers have pretty much have gone un-answered for quite some time now, so I don't have a lot of faith for divine intervention right about now, and that really sucks and makes me feel bad too. Chalk that up as a 'spiritual' failure in my book.
I do have a friend taking me out to lunch today and I've already shared much of this with him. He's a good guy and probably my best friend these days. But after lunch, I don't know if I can come back to work today. I'm just not 'feeling' it. I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have no desire to really interact with anyone else for fear of myself having a meltdown.
That's all for now.
March 15, 2011
Meds- Day 4
Today is day 4 on my 20mg of Citropram.....and I feel okay.
I'm not nearly as emotional as I was yesterday. I'm surprised I survived a whole day of work without anyone noticing what a basket case I was. However, towards the end of the day, my chest was a little sore, like the onset of a panic attack that never took hold. Just a light ache when I took deep breaths.
And strangely, my wife was very nice and chatty and even somewhat loving towards me last night. Basically almost a 180 from a few days before. Probably one of the reasons relationships drive me nuts. (sometimes I wonder if she actually the bipolar one and not me, or maybe we both are and I'm the only one who knows)
I met her after work at the bowling alley and was greeted by not only a kiss from her, but her team mates all commented on how good I'm starting to look now that I've dropped 20lbs. Yup, I weighed in this morning at 217, down from 237 almost 2 months ago. It was an ego boost to my soul that people are noticing and asking me what I'm doing....so that was my bright spot of the day.
I have selected the 'in-network' therapist out of my own personal financial concerns and will have my 1st visit with her tomorrow, Wed., at 5:30pm. Depending on how it goes, I have chosen the first female therapist as a backup and have a tentative appointment Saturday morning as a back-up plan. She seemed to give me a better vibe over the phone in our brief phone conversation.
Took my gym clothes today so I will be hitting the gym after work, at least to ride the bike. Started the morning with my wife 'touching' me in bed...nothing sexual...just placed her hand on me and for the first time in months I didn't want the moment to end. Had a good cup of coffee and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and so far work is 'okay' today.
Someone recommended that I read the book of Proverbs yesterday. I tried reading chapter 1 & 2, but I just couldn't focus. It just wasn't making sense, but then again, nothing was yesterday.
I'm not nearly as emotional as I was yesterday. I'm surprised I survived a whole day of work without anyone noticing what a basket case I was. However, towards the end of the day, my chest was a little sore, like the onset of a panic attack that never took hold. Just a light ache when I took deep breaths.
And strangely, my wife was very nice and chatty and even somewhat loving towards me last night. Basically almost a 180 from a few days before. Probably one of the reasons relationships drive me nuts. (sometimes I wonder if she actually the bipolar one and not me, or maybe we both are and I'm the only one who knows)
I met her after work at the bowling alley and was greeted by not only a kiss from her, but her team mates all commented on how good I'm starting to look now that I've dropped 20lbs. Yup, I weighed in this morning at 217, down from 237 almost 2 months ago. It was an ego boost to my soul that people are noticing and asking me what I'm doing....so that was my bright spot of the day.
I have selected the 'in-network' therapist out of my own personal financial concerns and will have my 1st visit with her tomorrow, Wed., at 5:30pm. Depending on how it goes, I have chosen the first female therapist as a backup and have a tentative appointment Saturday morning as a back-up plan. She seemed to give me a better vibe over the phone in our brief phone conversation.
Took my gym clothes today so I will be hitting the gym after work, at least to ride the bike. Started the morning with my wife 'touching' me in bed...nothing sexual...just placed her hand on me and for the first time in months I didn't want the moment to end. Had a good cup of coffee and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and so far work is 'okay' today.
Someone recommended that I read the book of Proverbs yesterday. I tried reading chapter 1 & 2, but I just couldn't focus. It just wasn't making sense, but then again, nothing was yesterday.
March 14, 2011
Trying out Therapists
What an awkward and uncomfortable process.
Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.
Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.
Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.
The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.
The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.
Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.
Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"
Bah....this whole process sucks.
Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.
Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.
Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.
The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.
The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.
Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.
Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"
Bah....this whole process sucks.
Falling
I'm starting to exhibit the signs of a mini-meltdown again, and the last few days have been increasingly hard for me to feel any source of positive emotions.
Perhaps the trigger was the dealings of my wife mid-last week. A lot had to do with the fact she said I wasn't showing my step-daughter any respect, and I had, and still am for that matter, able to digest and find truth in this. Maybe it's the fact my wife has now left the door open for my step-daughter to possibly come back....a source of tension for everyone involved. My wife and her daughter have a love/hate relationship and the cloud of darkness at times in the house is palpable.
Perhaps it the fact my birthday is coming up in a few days and we have no plans, or at least I take it as my wife has made no plans to celebrate it and instead invited her friends to our house next Saturday.
Perhaps it the lack of any real sex-life as of late.
Or is it the threat of another layoff any day, and our still 'head-just-above-water' financial status.
My mother gave me a lecture or dressing down yesterday over the phone as well in reagrds to fixing a leaky sinkin my house. Apprantly my 'priorities' are all wrong and she's very disapointed in me.
Needless to say, I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of grief that I cannot control.
I chose not to go to church this past weekend. As a matter of fact, it took all my energy to get out of the house to go to the gym yesterday and even more so this morning to get ready for work. I realize I'm not happy at work. I loathe it, but bills need to get paid.
Last night my wife informed me we were going to her sister's house for dinner. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 40 minutes away, and these dinners always seem to be hours on end. I like my sister and brother in law...I do. But Sunday nights (a work night) is not my cup of tea to have yet another 4.5 hour outing. And now my wife informed me last night that she will be having dinner with her family on Sundays from now on for the foreseeable future. I am welcome to go and invited, but I just can't see meyslef doing this every Sunday. I get burnt out on all the nonsense.
So my wife is out Monday's, out Wedensday, and now Sunday evenings as well. I can't get her to even spend 1.5 with me at church. It seems the only thing my wife wants to be involved with anymore and invite me if there is alcohol involved. That may not be a fair statement, but that what it seems like to me.
And let's not even get me started on that damn Facebook. She can bury herself in that for hours at a time and I'm learning to despise her friends a little more each time. I'm becoming envious that they are effectively taking up more time than our own relationship.
The strange thing that throws me for a loop is she does says she loves me and she does kiss me, but it seems our passion is gone. If one were to ask me anymore, I could not say for certainty that she is still 'in love' love with me and that hurts.
So the last few days my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've taking a 1 mg Clonzapam to calm me down and I wonder if they are losing their potency sitting in the medicine cabinet, because they just don't seem like they kick in as quickly as I remember.
I also started (day 3) of my Citropram (anti-depressant) but it's going to take a few more days for them to kick in as well.
I cried this morning.
And once again I wondered and got deathly scared of the word 'divorce'. I don't want to lose my house, and freindships, and I loathe confrontation, but I am not a happy person.
My 'Taking it Back' strategy seemed to work in other areas, like getting me productive in losing weight and kick-starting my hobbies, but it hasn't helped me emotionally.
Today I got a list of therapsists that deal with marriage therapy, anxiety and panic disorders, depression, etc. I made a call and left a message to a new female Dr. near my house and I suppose I'm waiting for a call back. I did tell my wife this morning that I need to see a counsler and there really wasn't a notable response back, but I thought I'd let her know anyway.
I have 10 more months on my car payment and I wonder if I can stick it out. The whole idea of selling the house (and taking a loss), packing and moving into a condo, or asking my wife to leave just seems so unreal to me, but it's been part of my thought process the last few days. More than ever I've been thinking about a new partner, someone who actually wants to be my equal, someone who also has a priority for God as well.
My wife has all this potential now, thus the reason I married her and fell in love with her in the first place.....but as a friend recently told me, "she's lost", and all my prayers and dilligence don't seem to be making a dent.
Perhaps the trigger was the dealings of my wife mid-last week. A lot had to do with the fact she said I wasn't showing my step-daughter any respect, and I had, and still am for that matter, able to digest and find truth in this. Maybe it's the fact my wife has now left the door open for my step-daughter to possibly come back....a source of tension for everyone involved. My wife and her daughter have a love/hate relationship and the cloud of darkness at times in the house is palpable.
Perhaps it the fact my birthday is coming up in a few days and we have no plans, or at least I take it as my wife has made no plans to celebrate it and instead invited her friends to our house next Saturday.
Perhaps it the lack of any real sex-life as of late.
Or is it the threat of another layoff any day, and our still 'head-just-above-water' financial status.
My mother gave me a lecture or dressing down yesterday over the phone as well in reagrds to fixing a leaky sinkin my house. Apprantly my 'priorities' are all wrong and she's very disapointed in me.
Needless to say, I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of grief that I cannot control.
I chose not to go to church this past weekend. As a matter of fact, it took all my energy to get out of the house to go to the gym yesterday and even more so this morning to get ready for work. I realize I'm not happy at work. I loathe it, but bills need to get paid.
Last night my wife informed me we were going to her sister's house for dinner. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 40 minutes away, and these dinners always seem to be hours on end. I like my sister and brother in law...I do. But Sunday nights (a work night) is not my cup of tea to have yet another 4.5 hour outing. And now my wife informed me last night that she will be having dinner with her family on Sundays from now on for the foreseeable future. I am welcome to go and invited, but I just can't see meyslef doing this every Sunday. I get burnt out on all the nonsense.
So my wife is out Monday's, out Wedensday, and now Sunday evenings as well. I can't get her to even spend 1.5 with me at church. It seems the only thing my wife wants to be involved with anymore and invite me if there is alcohol involved. That may not be a fair statement, but that what it seems like to me.
And let's not even get me started on that damn Facebook. She can bury herself in that for hours at a time and I'm learning to despise her friends a little more each time. I'm becoming envious that they are effectively taking up more time than our own relationship.
The strange thing that throws me for a loop is she does says she loves me and she does kiss me, but it seems our passion is gone. If one were to ask me anymore, I could not say for certainty that she is still 'in love' love with me and that hurts.
So the last few days my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've taking a 1 mg Clonzapam to calm me down and I wonder if they are losing their potency sitting in the medicine cabinet, because they just don't seem like they kick in as quickly as I remember.
I also started (day 3) of my Citropram (anti-depressant) but it's going to take a few more days for them to kick in as well.
I cried this morning.
And once again I wondered and got deathly scared of the word 'divorce'. I don't want to lose my house, and freindships, and I loathe confrontation, but I am not a happy person.
My 'Taking it Back' strategy seemed to work in other areas, like getting me productive in losing weight and kick-starting my hobbies, but it hasn't helped me emotionally.
Today I got a list of therapsists that deal with marriage therapy, anxiety and panic disorders, depression, etc. I made a call and left a message to a new female Dr. near my house and I suppose I'm waiting for a call back. I did tell my wife this morning that I need to see a counsler and there really wasn't a notable response back, but I thought I'd let her know anyway.
I have 10 more months on my car payment and I wonder if I can stick it out. The whole idea of selling the house (and taking a loss), packing and moving into a condo, or asking my wife to leave just seems so unreal to me, but it's been part of my thought process the last few days. More than ever I've been thinking about a new partner, someone who actually wants to be my equal, someone who also has a priority for God as well.
My wife has all this potential now, thus the reason I married her and fell in love with her in the first place.....but as a friend recently told me, "she's lost", and all my prayers and dilligence don't seem to be making a dent.
March 11, 2011
Two posts, One day
It's nearing 5 o'clock, and while I've kept myself distracted for the most part of the day, I can't help but circle back around to what happened last night/this morning and feel just as confused all these hours later.
:Interupt:
I just got a text message from my wife. She says she is going to hang out with a friend of hers and will be home later.
I suppose that saves me some awkwardness when I get home. I guess I'll head to the gym again, ride the bike, lift some weights, burn some negative energy, and go home.
Weird, the friend she's about to go see is a friend I spoke to earlier about our issues. This friend I can usually trust in 100% confidence not to share anything with my wife, so I'm not too worried (although there's always a chance I could get the shit torn out of me later when I'm just minding my own business). Anyway, the friend knows how I feel and may be able to calm my wife down in her own way.
I still feel a bit anxious. Not sure if it's reaction to the pill this morning, or my emotions are still flared up, or a combo of both. Probably the later. My wife needs some space and nothing good could come of us seeing each other right now. Here's to hoping her friend talks some sense into her and points out that me, the husband, isn't the only person who thinks certain things.
Okay....I'm off to try and work out my nerves.
And you're right....this is no Japan...and I need to remind myself of that.
:Interupt:
I just got a text message from my wife. She says she is going to hang out with a friend of hers and will be home later.
I suppose that saves me some awkwardness when I get home. I guess I'll head to the gym again, ride the bike, lift some weights, burn some negative energy, and go home.
Weird, the friend she's about to go see is a friend I spoke to earlier about our issues. This friend I can usually trust in 100% confidence not to share anything with my wife, so I'm not too worried (although there's always a chance I could get the shit torn out of me later when I'm just minding my own business). Anyway, the friend knows how I feel and may be able to calm my wife down in her own way.
I still feel a bit anxious. Not sure if it's reaction to the pill this morning, or my emotions are still flared up, or a combo of both. Probably the later. My wife needs some space and nothing good could come of us seeing each other right now. Here's to hoping her friend talks some sense into her and points out that me, the husband, isn't the only person who thinks certain things.
Okay....I'm off to try and work out my nerves.
And you're right....this is no Japan...and I need to remind myself of that.
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