Quelling my feelings of anger and hatred

"Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ." - Philippians 4: 5-7

I'm not sure why, but yesterday, as yet another day at my new job came to a close, I began to reflect on my previous job of 10 years, and the few months of mental anguish that followed.

I miss that job, but I often complained even to myself that I was feeling complacent and unheard and it was getting to me. Not the job itself, but the politics and some individuals I had to interact with daily. I enjoy what I do immensly, but I have never had the gift of patience or backing down from people when decisions don't make sense. I truly believe God opened the door for that opportunity, but perhaps it was my hard-headeness, anger, and sometimes hatred that led to my downfall. Perhaps it was my depression that led to my anger and unhappiness there, or maybe the decisions and spirtual conflict I was having there intensified my depression.

There are two overall themes I wanted to discuss here, and while seperate, are also intertwined: Letting go of personal control to God, and harboring anger and resentment.

From a non-spiritual standpoint, its pretty well documented that negative emotions can take a toll on ones health. From physical health to mental health, anger and anxiousness can lead to insomnia, violence, ulcers, depressions, high blood pressure, stress, heart disease, etc., etc. Funny how we can look at this as logical and fact, but when it consumes us as individuals, it is hard to overcome, let go, and become one with peace and forgiveness. I think Christ instructed us not only to forgive because it was pleasing to Him and God for our spiritual development, but He also knew that not being able to let go and letting issues fester inside of us led to our physical and mental shortcommings as well.

Being not in control and letting it consume us is a result and side effect of fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown. Will I be able to provide for my family? Do I feel secure? Can I get along with others? Will God keep his promise to replace what has been taken away with something better? That in and of itself is a double edge sword. On one side I pray that God knows best and will my faith to believe His followers fall under His protection and He will look out for us. On the flip side, it is my fear that questions how did I allow things to spiral out of control to begin with? Why can't I let go? Why can't I be at peace? How will I know I can secure my place in life, and provide for my family? God may call me home tomorrow, and I while I look forward to that peace, I as a mortal also wonder about the foundations of my family. Will they survive and move on in peace? Will they be secure when I am gone? That I do not know. I can only pray and have faith that they will, but my faith is not 100%, lest I not fear to begin with.

Then there is Hatred. Not the type of hatred you have for that unfavorite vegetable, or a flat tire, or long lines at an amusement park. Hatred towards my fellow man. Yes, I may dislike or even hate terrorism, but those are feelings of 'hate' towards a general concept or ideology. I can't think of many thing I truly, deep down hate, but there are some individuals I say fearfully in Gods eye that I do, and I pray I can overcome. There is one individual that for whatever reason God has allowed in my life. Was it a test? Did God want to see if I could overcome? Did God want to point out to me my own insecurities and shortcommings so that I could recognize them on my own and draw myself closer to him? Knowing that I have an issue with control, did God want to teach me forgiveness and love at its base level? The questions go on and on, and I believe I have failed so far. Perhaps time will soften my heart, and this is a very long and drawn out life lesson that plagues me daily until I relinquish all control of my life to Him.

I pray daily that God lifts me out of hatred of this individual and delivers me from this spiritual chaos and allow me to feel comfort and peace. I believe He would say that He has already answered that prayer, but I am too stubborn to hear it, to let go, and to trust in Him. I feel that this person wronged me. I feel that this person manipulated me and those around me to his benefit and my demise. I feel that this person had spiritual warfare with me, and no one else recognized it. So God asked me to pray about it and relinquish control, or He would remove me from the situation.

Needless to say God has removed me from the situation, and while I should be happy, I am not for my bitterness still wells up inside me. Philipians says to 'be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer'.

I am continously anxious. I continously dwell on the past....what should I have done differently? Why can I not let go? Why can I not recognize that God is indeed in control and loves us all, and wants not for us to suffer spiritual, physcially, and mentally?

Jesus, I pray yet again to give me the strength to throw off my own blinders and schackles. That I learn yet again that hatred is for the poor in spirit, and I can only find peace through forgiveness and moving on, not mired in the chaos of the past. I pray that you protect my mind and my heart, and through me, Your spirit pours forth onto others as a lesson for change and control.

A day of festering

Yesterday, I forgot to take my morning pill.

I don't always forget to take my pill, but there are mornings when I'm in a rush or I'm still shaking the cobwebs out of my skull that I walk out the door without downing my pill. It's not on purpose, I honestly do forget, even if I place the whole bottle on the kitchen counter.

Anyway it was one of the days yesterday...a typical Monday. There are a few people I work with that aren't overly cooperative. Actually one individual, while I find very nice on the outside, when it comes to work is very evasive and easily passes the buck. Since I am low man on the totem pole, I often find that the problem issues get dumped on me. I more or less recently figured out I am the 'grunt', the guy to do the least favorite or least easy of all the jobs.

In one way, I don't really mind because I am happy to be working, and I do get to move around. However, I do get irritated when I know that I am being taken advantage of, especially when others prove to be very lazy.

There was an incident that defined this yesterday and as I sat on the phone listening to my directives, I knew I was getting irritated. Irritated to the fact I slammed the phone down when I was done realizing I had to go do grunt work yet again that could easily be done by anybody, and even though I was the furthest person away from the solution, this person gave it to me.

There's a story somewhere in the New Testament in which these guys toil all day long outside in the fields, and these other workers show up for the last hour of work and at the end of the day they are all paid the same amount of talents. The workers that worked all day long began to complain: "This is unfair. Why should they make the same amount as us when they worked so little?" The outcome was basically the lesson: Don't worry about others, worry about yourself, in the end, God is just and we don't know the whole story.

While I understand the concept, it doesn't make it any easier for me to wrap my head around and move on, worrying only about myself and giving thanks to God that I am at least working. Yes, things are unfair at times and people take advantage of me, but God wants me to put those thoughts of frustration and anger out of my head. They can only fester and lead to further resentment and all I am doing is poisoning myself in the end.

I eventually got over this, at least for the time being, and took my dog for a walk later in the evening. I do it for him, to get his exercise, and I guess a side effect is the 20-30 minutes I spend alone with my thoughts praying to God as my best friend and I do our routine. I started to think about death again last night. Not mine, but that of my parents and I began to cry. I cried because I was sad and wondered what kind of effect this will eventually have on me. This scares me deeply. While I do believe my parents will find joy and eternal peace, I am not sure I can cope. I pictured myself saying goodbye to my father and told him to wait for me, because I will see him soon. Is that because once my parents die I will lose the will to live for myself? I shudder to think how people move on when a loved one dies.

My connection and feelings for my parents are deep. When all else fails here on earth, they are there for me and I know their love is true. I am embarrassed to say that sometimes I do place them before God and I often feel a security with them that I have yet to experience from the church. That bothers me a lot. For once they are gone, I am afraid that feeling of security and love cannot and will not be replaced until I die.

Why, oh why dear Jesus do I not feel strong enough for you to fill that void even though that day has yet to come?

Solitude - The missing ingrediant

In Genesis we learn of the creation of this planet, and of man. God had deemed that Adam not be alone, but to have a partner, a companion, a mate to help rule over his creation and to share with one another.

I like the idea that God forseen man's basic need to communicate with other humans. To interact, to talk to one another, to help. But we all need our alone time. Whether it be from stressful situations where we just need to rest, or to collect ones own thoughts, or reflect on the days events, or just talking to God.

People laugh or thinks its strange that I can go to a movie theatre alone. I'm not sure why. During the movie, people usually don't talk to each other anyway and they are looking forward at the screen. Sometimes I relish these moments. I'm relaxed and I'm quite fine being alone. I also like to read. I read a lot and that doesn't require anybody else in the room fro me to lose myself in a good book.

Perhaps it is because I am an only child. I learned how to entertain myself. I didn't have any imaginary friends that I spoke to in my mind. And while I did enjoy having friends and being around people, I was just as content being alone in my own little world. Maybe too much so.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The only thing that scares me about being alone is when I get older and close to death. I don't want to die alone. I don't want some neighbor to come check on me after I haven't emerged from my domicile after a few days to find me sprawled out on the floor starting to stink and attract flies.

When it comes to my mindset, I've also been thinking of being alone too. Not that I want to lead the life of a hermit or recluse, but to take time off from all the noise and drama around me.

I often imagine packing up my car and driving off to destinations unknown and being out in nature, only myself.

I picture laying down in the desert at night, looking up at the countless stars feeling the cool air about me and listening to crickets and wildlife. How many stars are there? How old are they? How much history have they seen?

I picture myself sitting near a babbling brooke in the middle of some midwestern state, watching the waves of grain sway to a soft wind, the warmth of the sun on my arms and face, the occasional majestic bird flying by. Is he watching me?

I imagine being near an abandoned mediterranean village, the smells of distant spiced fare and an exotic drink in my hand. Is someone cooking for a lost one waiting for their loved one to come home?

I lean back in the sand watching the sun set over the ocean. I stare at the colors of the sky as they change and watch the clouds float by. I hear the crashing of the waves, one by one, nonstop. Does the ocean, teaming with life, know that I am alone and that I am watching her? Does she welcome me with open arms, proud that I stare in wonderment of her power and peace?

No man-made noise. No one to bother me. No stupid questions, no pitiful drama. Just nature the way God has created it. Just me feeling the beat of my own heart, concentrating on my regulated breathing, closing my eyes and allowing my senses to identify where I am and what I mean to this planet and to God's plan for me.

Depression - Pills (Part 4)

It seemed like a long walk into the neighborhood drug store. Only minutes before I had to collect my wits about me as I walked out of my doctors office feeling ashamed and embarrased and scared. Scared on what my wife and family may think of me, moreso my wife....would she want to stay with a mentally flawed person? Standing at the altar just a few years ago, we vowed "For better or for worse. In sickness and in health." Well, I guess we'll find out. I don't want them to look at me diffrently, or treat me differently, or tip toe around me, or talk about me behind my back.

I handed in my scripts and sat in the waiting area, once again, doing just yet another sojourn in a repetitive reflectiveness of my life in mere minutes. That is to say, I can't help now but think everyday, and many times a day at this point, what is going on in my brain. Why are my emotions all over the place. Emotions and the capacity to have them are said to be a blessing and a gift from God. I'll be honest, there are times I don't want the gift. The gift sometimes hurts, and it hurts bad. There is a saying about looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Once in a blue moon, I get a glimpse of that scene, but most of the time I'm not sure what I see anymore. My vision is not cloudy or obscured.....I just see...and take no real note of anything in particular. It sometimes reminds me of that movie 'Groundhog Day', where events just repeat over and over. I think the common term is being in a 'rut'. I feel like that a lot...one day after another...a slow march to eventual death where I can finally be free to soar like Jesus would like for all his children. It as if my soul is contained in this fleshly prison, poisoned over and over by the temptations of the world, the broken promises of friends, the enemies affect on my surroundings, and the quizicle looks from loved ones.

I take the pills home, and take the Clonzapen first. The effects are to calm one down....to ease the physical tension that grips my chest like a vice. The doctor explained it as having the effects of a stiff drink or a mild tranquilizer. Let me say they work. It takes about 10 to 15 minutes to kick in, but soon my body responded to a more relaxed state. The Lexapro is to be taken daily, and takes upwards of two weeks for the body to fully integrate. Its job is to help produce the seratonin, or 'happiness hormone' that may be out of balance or deficient in my brain. Imagine....perhaps some synapse inside my head has malfunctioned and is no longer firing correctly. Or maybe my brain is not producing seratonin like it once did thus leading to a state of dread.

Funny that I can look at this and type this with a scientific approach. I understand the science behind this...I can comprehend electrochemical changes in the head. I've been told I'm an intelligent person, and I grasp things and concepts faster that most people. God has definitely blessed me with a brain. By no means am I mensa material, but I know that I'm smart. That reminds me of what the doctor also asked me about.....am I easily distracted? Does my mind feel restless?

Yes. But I'm not sure in a truly negative way. My mind often races with thoughts and scenarios. I can juggle multiple books at a time, I can very easily mulititask. I had to sit and concentrate on his question and think hard. The answer: Yes, doctor....my mind always seems to be going 100 miles an hour. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it....I want that to stop. I want to relax. I want to take a deep breath and I want to stare at the sky and have no other thoughts. I want it to be quiet for once. I'd like to know what that is like, and now I cannot even remember if I ever was like that once before? Was my mind always racing? Was there ever a time whether it be 5 years ago, 10, 15....where I was satisfied with just 'being' and was I happy with simple thoughts? Was my mind always this complex and dreary but only recently did I come to recognize it? I do not know.

God allows things to happen. And we ask ourselves 'Why me?' I don't have an answer. Is this some cosmic test, that I will only learn the lesson after I have passed? Am I to suffer for years? A lifetime? Is it up to me to surrender completely unto him? Have I not already prayed about this? Have I not already let go? But I also recognize that God gave the gift of intelligence to others, namely doctors and chemists who have studied the brain and have created 'drugs' to help people like me.

Everything happens for a reason and according to His will.

I just wish someone would clue me in on what His will is for me, and why.

Unexpected words of encouragement

Sometimes people suprise you.

Just when you think all is always the same, someone's small unexpected gesture really moves you.

That happened to me yesterday.

It was my grandmothers birthday, and I felt obligated to give her a call, and I really wasn't looking forward to it.

I'm glad I did.

I have always loved my grandmother. However, the last few years I have allowed a small wall of indifference to erect between us. Perhaps I was the one who supplied the mortar and bricks. My grandmother can be somewhat one-sided. I don't believe her to be malicious or mean-spirited, but I have taken note the last few years of her stuborness nature and one dimensional way of perceiving and/or exaggerating events that make others feel like they always have to walk on egg-shells. She is 'always' right and throws the occasional self-pity party that I have learned to steel my emotions inward and grin and bear it. She is my grandmother afterall, and I was always taught to respect my elders and family, though I don't always agree why.

Perhaps my own personal demons and stories from other family members have clouded my judgement and perceptions and helped fuel the stringent attitude I have developed towards her. Through my recent self-revelations with the church I am becomming more and more aware of my prejudices, and I have developed strong feelings for certain people. Those feelings have not necessarily crossed over to anger or negativity, but indifference. The old saying 'Out of sight-out of mind.' I just don't want to deal with people and their drama anymore. I have my own drama that I ma dealing with, I don't want anyones else's to add to my own. I don't want to help anyone else right now....can't they see I am the one on edge recently? Can't they see I am the one that needs help right now? That I am one wise-crack away from losing it?

Christ says to love everbody as you want to be loved yourself. To learn to be patient...an on going struggle of mine. To be a good listener and gave sound advice. More importantly, Jesus has the power to soften one's heart, and I need my heart to be softened. I need to continue to learn forgiveness. He worked on Saul's heart, and Saul was in much worse shape than myself.

So here I was, calling my Grandmother to wish her a happy birthday, and I was wondering how long the call would be because I was preparing myself for a new 'woe is me' story. That story didn't come. Instead, my grandmother said she loved me....more than I could ever know...and that she prayed for me daily....for my hapiness. Perhaps she sensed my spirit is lacking as of late. She lamented that money doesn't mean squat, and that I had to live my life as a happy person. Because without hapiness then I am really not living my life. She spoke to me for 40 minutes! And the whole time telling me that I had to live life the way God intended it to be for all his children. Happy. I wasn't placed here to please everyone else and become everyone elses shoudler to cry on...that I was allowed to cry on others shoulders for once. I was the one who had to look in the mirror everyday as I got ready for work and ask myself "Are you happy today?"

I am not happy.

My happiness comes in spurts. Usually from the books I read, or the games Iplay, or the TV I watch, or the friends I have. I am learning to recognize that certain happy moments come from God directly, like when my dog greets me and wants to sit on my lap. When my wife occasionaly touches me unsolicted. When my father says 'he loves me' which rarely leaves his lips. When my mother slips me a card on occasion. Of course I am happy at those moments. I just wish there were more of them.

Before I knew it, my eyes were in tears on the phone from my grandmother. I had not heard her talk to me like that....in forever. She lent her support to me...in everything I do. She prays for me to be happy. I feel like such a schmuck to have been harboring the feeling I have....to let them fester inside me and taint me the way they have. I am not worthy, but by God's grace and love for me can I learn to forgive and forget and to move on and to love those who I allowed to affect me.

She prays for me to be happy.

Moved

Earlier this week I sinned. Well, I guess as we are born into this world of sin, we sin daily, but I'm aware of a specific issue in my life that warrants attention and I've been seeking God on numerous occassion to quell my temptations.

I think every person is tempted in everyway just as Jesus was, but today it's harder than ever to avoid and I personally think it takes more effort today than 100 years ago, 200o years ago or even longer to rise above it all. That doesn't make it easier to justify when we fall from grace, because God gives us the ultimate freedon of choice, and in the end, with the tools and knoweldge I have in Him and His word, I still stumble.

Why do I think it's harder today? Technology, plain and simple. Yes, the same sins are here today as they were in Christ's time and even before, but with technology we are bombarded more than ever daily in temptations of the world. Today we have televisions, movies, magazines, the internet, instant worldy communication...whereas 2000 years ago there were not as easily accessible or even invented ways to sin. The temptations while of still the same nature have become more sophisticated.

Take illicit images for example. Sure, there were drawings 2000 years ago, and man could 'draw' secular images but this took time and it took materials. Then came the camera, the first images were monochrome in color, expensive to produce and took time....while they did exist, they weren't neccesarily attainable by everyone. Then came the Poloroid...images that developed in mere minutes, but limited in disbursement. Today we have digital cameras, streaming video, camer phones, images can be printed and carried almost anywhere at anytime. Where the internet was not around 30 years ago, it is said today that internet pornography is one of the largest financial industries on the net. At any given time, with a few keystrokes, I can view any criteria of secular images fatser that my father could just a mere 30 years ago.

I digress. That was an example to illustrate my point.

Anyway, I realize that I am not as strong as I was hoping to be. I filled a void in my life temporarily, and really did not seek God to help quell my selfishness and deliver me from temptation. The problem is, I didn't really try to be stopped. The only person I was harming was myself, and now that it is over and done with, I cannot help but feel like self-conviction plagues me. Father, forgive me. I knew better, but I stand before you without a valid reason. My reasoning at best was selfish, to fulfill an immediate desire and not place my trust in you. Hopefully I am sorry and repentant, but suprisngly I wonder exactly how sorry is sorry enough or if I really am. I think I am because of self-loathing and the fact I've been thinking about it for a few days now.

Is this the Holy Spirit and my own conscious trying to talk to me? Is this why I am led to share with you today?

I feel comfort that Jesus surrouned himself with sinners. They were drawn to him, and he never shunned them like the Pharises. "Those without sin, cast the first stone". "Forgive them Father, for they do not undertsand what they do".

Even the most corrupt are loved and given the chance for redemption. Only His mercy, His love, His Grace, His blood... could do this for us. I know this in my heart to be true, so why in moments of worldliness do I turn my back on Him and His promises for me. No wonder they say hindsight is 20/20, because when you think of the past and have time to reflect, things can become clear if you allow the truth to shine through. But at times I walk in the dark, with blinders on, or even worse...with a bag over my head.

Father, I pray next time for the strength to remember who you are, and that you are with me, that you love me, and I that I wish to please you. Help remove the temptations from my life and the wickedness and bitterness from my heart.

Depression - Part 3 - Date with the Doctor

Now that my friend had left to go back home and my wife had went back to work, I had made an impromptu appointment with my general physcian.

As I sat in the waiting room filling out paperwork, my chest was sore and I was slightly scared. I had always heard that the symptoms of a heart attack started with a little numbness of the left arm and maybe a little twinge of pain, but it was my chest that was killing me, still just under my sternum, feeling a shortness of breath and unable to get comfortable.

Finally when the doctor came in to see me, I started to tell him how I physically felt and while I was speaking I could feel the water in my eyes starting to well up and before I knew it I just began spilling raw emotion. It felt as if weeks if not months of pent up energy began spilling out of my soul and I was unable to stop. I was overwhelmed with both feelings of relief and extreme embarrassment. Here I am, a large guy who usually keeps to himself is balling and babbling incoherently to the physcian who just sat back and listened. I give him a lot of props for his bedside manner. He just....listened...as I continued to pour out my inner grief and explained about my pain, my lack of sleep, my lack of breath.

He began to took my blood pressure, which was slightly elevated and concurred that I looked a little tired, distracted, and agitated. He spoke with me for a few minutes regarding the brain and chemicals inside it. He spoke to me about stress and diet. We spoke for 10 or 15 minutes as as I shyly regained my composure he gave me a few pieces of paper:

1. Prescriptions for Ambien to sleep.
2. Prescriptions for Clonzapen, to help alleviate the panic, pain in the chest, and to calm me down.
3. Lexapro, 5mg to help with seratonin levels.
4. Finally a referral to see a counselor.

I thanked him for the Kleenex, collected my scripts, and headed to the pharmacy.

What went through my head was: What am I going to tell my wife? My parents? Am I crazy? Am I losing it? Am I a candidate for a breakdown, or worse a heart attack? How will people perceive me now? Am I to become pill dependant? Is there something wrong with my head? Has my body stopped making essential chemicals? Am I more flawed than I once thought? Where is God in all this?

To be continued.....

Being 'Humbled' yet again

Taking yet another interlude from my background, an event happened last night which really made me reflect on the person I am, and made me feel uncomfortable enough to have me pray numerous times throughout the evening and is still weighing on my mind today.

As I stood in my driveway last night, a former co-worker of mine dropped by to say 'Hi', and as innocent as he was, he mentioned a rumor he had heard regarding me and my former employer.

You see, I was at a company that I really enjoyed for just over ten years. There really wasn't anything I disliked about it, except the last two years I had come into contact with a gentleman who would become my manager for a while and to put it mildly, we did not see things eye-to-eye. Factually, this person had issues with numerous people where many of them ended up leaving to other departments to get from under his abbrasive style, or kept their mouth shut and just continued to roll with the punches, and the punches came often.

That was always a hard pill for me to swallow, and perhaps God was giving me the opportunity to learn to be mindful of those in authority positions even if I disagreed with many of the decisions. Perhaps God was teaching me patience, and I was being deaf to the lesson, continuing to harbor resentment and dislike, something very unhealthy with numerous consequences.

I often prayed about my situation in regards to this person, asking God to remove him from my sphere, or grant me peace of mind. When I realized those thing weren't happening, I turned inward and asked for God to soften my heart to be a forgiving spirit. Yet I failed there as well. As time went on, I knew my heart was becomming hardened, my spirit uneasy, my hatred festering.

Looking back, I honestly believe that I, and I alone allowed this person to get under my skin, and that God had asked me to let go, but I have a problem letting go and with all the other issues happening in my life these feeling contributed immensly to my depression and insecurities. There was no way I was going to let this person steamroll me as I had watched him steamroll so many others.

I never understood why management recognized this person had issues and rubbed many a person the wrong way, yet continued to turn a blind eye. Unfortunately for me, this made my resolve even stronger. It was either him or me. And last night, I learned the reason why it was me.

I have always been a vocal, yet respectful person. However, I guess management felt that we would never get along no matter what steps they took.

I was eventually let go, under the assumption my position was just eliminated. I got a great severence package and nice letters of recommendation, but something always seemed wrong to me they way I was dissmissed. I took the high road, never caused a scene, but always suspected it had something to do with this individual, yet those that let me go swore up and down it wasn't. My reviews were always great, I was respected, and I knew my job and I kew it well, which is why when I was let go, I never quite understood the reasonings. Something didn't add up.

Well, bringing this back to last night, my former co-worker had let it slip that during a recent 'team building' exercise I had made some very pointed questions, and without mentioning names, everybody knew who I was talking about and I guess another manager felt I had crossed the line in my questioning.

To be honest, I can't recall exactly what I said, but I can imagine it was something to the effect on 'What do you do to resolve conflict with a person that management recognizes as an issue, but chooses to do nothing'. Truth is, that's exactly what was going on. Upper management knew and admitted to having issues with this person, but because he was management, they chose to look the other way, and my recogniztion of this whole tactic was making me an uneasy person.

I was losing respect for everyone because they would tell me that would handle it, and never would. This person was getting away with everything, and those like me, even though a hard worker and got along with everyone was being viewed as a potential trouble-maker.

I guess it was my line of innocent question at the team building exercise that led one manger to believe that I complained to much, and without even a warning, I guess it was decided behind closed doors that I would be 'let go' (not fired) in order to restore peace.

I have to say, I was very hurt and troubled about this. In one way, I am a happier person today because I don't have to interact with that person anymore, but I am very disapointed in those I though were my friends and could not have told me the truth or warned me.

That happened a few months ago and I thought I was over it. But that little tidbit of information last night brought back all that anger and frustration I had been asking God to remove from my heart and mind. In the end, I had to fall very hard before God picked me back up. And while he did indeed pick me back up, I do not feel 100% restored. I made certain sacrafices in my life, not all of them I care for, but it has opened my eyes to how indifferent I was towards those I felt who were unjust to me.

Today I am a contractor, I no longer have a guaranteed job, and a lot can change on a week to week basis, though I am thankful that God is providing. I make less money today than I did before, but maybe God is trying to point out to me there is more to life like health and hapiness than there is to money. Today I continue to pray for forgiveness and love for those I do not care for, but last night proved to me I still carry bitterness in my heart.

It has been a great test, one of emotion and strife, and I'm still not sure if I passed or not.

How can I enter the kingdom of heaven with this cancer of dislike, distrust, and ill-will on my heart.

Depression - Part 2 - Realization

So I would have these periodic crying episodes that would hit me at odd times no matter where or what I was doing. I'd begin crying in the car, or in the shower, or on the couch, or in the gym. It didn't matter what time of day it was, or who was around, but generally speaking many times I was alone.

Thoughts of hopelessness would wash over me, but it was hard to pinpoint the exact emotion. Sometimes I felt sorry for myself, sometimes I was mad or frustrated at the world, Sometimes I felt anger, other times sad and lonely. And I'll be honest, there were times I wished I could just go home, curl up in bed and not wake up. Yes, not wake up. I still have that feeling now and again actually. Not that I am contemplating suicide....I'm too scared of hurting myself and I'm scared of death in and of itself, and I fear of God's judgement on taking one's own life. However, there are times where it does sound so much easier to close my eyes and be with Jesus. It is said that all the tears will be wiped away, that we will know joy and experience hapiness like we have never experienced before, and there are times I want that.

There are times I don't want to have to deal with the stresses of any job, family drama, world news and politics, finances, maritial disagreements, an aching body, any more bad news in general. I think about about waking up and having all that removed from my heart and my mind. How I long for internal peace and quiet, something I pray to Christ almost daily about, yet it still alludes me.

I wonder then if I have given Christ control of my life. It seems I am in a catch-22 of my own faith. I pray to God and ask him to relieve me of my personal and emotional burdens for he is in control (that is what I am taught and what I believe), but since I still have these issues, I begin to wonder if I am praying enough or if I really did indeed turn over control. If I have turned over control 100%, then why do I feel this way...ergo, I must not have, and thus must pray harder and release and trust more without taking it back. Am I letting go only to take it back hours later? I hope not and I pray not, yet here I am, seemingly back at square one.

Sometime just over a year ago I was starting to get some pains in my chest, just under my sternum. It felt as if a foreign object had taken up residence inside my chest cavity. I wondered if I had strained a muscle from working out to hard at the gym. Worse, what if I had a cyst or cancerous growth? But it would fade after a few minutes. I would think back to what I had recently eaten, but nothing in my diet seemed out of the ordinary.

The pains continued at random intervals. Sometimes they felt as small as a golf ball, and other times felt as large as a baseball. My chest would get tight, I would have problems concentrating, I would feel my hands getting fidgetity, and note it was hard to catch my breath....even as I was sitting down. Was this the warning signal for an early heart attack?

The realization came one day as I was waiting fro a friend to visit me. A good friend of mine who lives out of town had made arrangements to come stay with me a few days and I offered to meet him at a local restaurant as his sister dropped him off. As I sat there waiting by myself, passing the time sipping on a drink, the symptoms began to start. By the time my friend showed up, my excitment to see him was overshadowed by the internal pain I was actually feeling. As we sat at the bar and he was cathcing me up on old times, I appeared to be listening intently, but underneath my nods and attentive eyes, my thoughts were turned inside. I should be happy right now, but instead I can't breathe....my chest feels like its caught in a vice grip...my fingers are twithcing, and I want to go home and get into bed. What the heck is going on with me?

That whole weekend, I faked most of my happiness as to not let my friend down. Sure I was glad too see him, but for the next 72 hours I felt highly uncomfortable within my own skin, easily agitated, and.....alone.

It was then I knew something was indeed wrong with me and I needed to talk to someone. But who? My parents? My friends? My wife? No, I needed to see a doctor, so I made an appointment to have a regular checkup.

To be continued....

Depression - Part 1 - A Starting Point

de‧pres‧sion [di-presh-uhn] - noun

1. the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. sadness; gloom; dejection.
4. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
5. dullness or inactivity, as of trade.

There are other forms and definitions of depression as well, such as that of a valley, or weather patterns in meteorology, but I am talking about the depression which we feel inside of us.

Depression feels different for everyone, and some people are better apt to cope with it than others are. It can be a mild sadness that is quickly overcome, or deep rooted that last for years. It is varying degrees of pain, emotional and spiritual perhaps resulting in an occasional bad mood to uncontrollable sobbing.

I'm not sure how it starts within people, nor do I claim to understand the science behind it.

I can't sit here and tell you the exact time and date in which depression got a hold of me. I know this sounds weird, but I suspect I may have had the onset of depression for many years and only very recently identified that I was indeed a different person than I was many years ago.

When I say 'different', I mean I recall having more or less a better than average childhood. I was well looked after, in good health, smart, and loved very much by my parents, and I believe I even came to know God and Jesus at an early age. I was considered a man with a quick wit, enjoyable to be around, a hard worker, easy to get along with, and even popular in school by some measures. Overall, I can even admit things have worked out for me....maybe not exactly how I wished or once dreamed them to be, but I recognize that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, and my life could be a lot worse.

I've also been known as a sensitive person. One who can get hurt very easily with stinging words, frustrated by failure or not understanding, sad when bad things happen, empathise with those also in pain.

I guess I also realized this about myself for many years as well. I always wanted to give those who let me down a second or even third chance. Give them the benefit of the doubt, because friendship has a special place in my heart, and I do not like being at odds with people, no matter what the reason.

Because I was conscious of being a sensitive person, I tried and still do try to build up certain walls of protection around me. I want to be viewed as stoic and impenetrable with my emotions and feelings, only to protect myself....my heart...my mind...my spirit...from those that inadvertently hurt me. I often dream of a fantasy persona I have created for myself in which names and wrong doings will never hurt me, and I can shrug them off as casually as someone devoid of feelings.

But I repeatedly fail. And in some cases I fail in front of others...showing that 'weak' side if you will. My friends have seen me cry. My wife has seen me cry. My parents have seen me weep. Strangers have seen me cry. And I am ashamed at this. There is a corner of my mind that says I am too old to show this emotion, too strong to let others see me crumble, that people will consider me emotionally stunted and weak...and we all know that we've been conditioned to think women don't like cry babies. They may like an emotional man once in a blue moon, but a man who walks through life in self doubt and carries with him an air of fragile emotions, well they don't want that in the long wrong. They want to look up to their man, as the head of the house, the backbone of the family, nothing can phase him in the face of familial danger.

About two years ago I became aware of changes taking place inside of me. As time progressed I learned that my friends, family, and wife took notice of these changes for some time before I did. I was having mood swings more often, sleeping less, found myself worrying about things in general, didn't find the humor in things as often, and my wit was becomming more sarcastic in tone. I was at a crossroads in my mind of wanting to be left alone yet also surrounded by those I cared and loved. I sought out Christ in prayers as a last ditch manuever, but often never feeling satisfied with life in general.

My emotions really went on a roller coaster ride at this stage of my life. Though I was indeed hit with some bad news and situations from time to time that would make any sane person sad, I soon found that my moods would peak and plummet within minutes.

I began to cry for no apparant reason. Cry more often and more intensly than I would have liked. I wanted to turn my mind off from the thoughts and feelings that were taking place, but I couldn't, even prayer would not quell my angst.

My wife would ask me what's wrong, and many times I didn't have an answer. Or if I did have an answer, I was afraid to vocalize it in case I hurt her or make the situation worse. My temper was volitile, and while I am not a violent person, I imagined myslef hitting and destroying things. But I never did. I bottled up these raw emotions even deeper in fear of doing something physical and stupid. And when these feelings of inner turmoil and rage began to bubble near the surface, instead of lashing out, I would break down and cry. And cry hard and cry long.

To be continued....

Update on 'R'

Well, I just received news that 'R' had his surgery yesterday somewhere around 2pm PST and as of 9:30pm it was considered a success.

I know it's too early to tell, but so far it seems as if the body is accepting the liver and he does not have to take heart medication. It appears that his heart needed to be resuscitated sometime last Friday night.

He'll be asleep the next few days and can only have 30 minute visits with his mother and 'H' right now.

I'm very happy to hear this and am glad to see he turned a corner. Puts things into perspective yet again for me. How dare I whine and cry at trivial things when there is other things that are so much more life threatening and important than money, jobs, etc.

Thank you God for once again reminding me that you are in control.

Tragic news

Taking a break from my regular thought process to bring something to your attention and request prayer.

A friend of mine, 'H' whom I have worked with for ten years finally found happiness in a man she would like to marry named 'R'. She has had boyfriends in the past, but I think she believes 'R' is the one.

I've met 'R' and hung out at casual parties with him on occasion, and I really like him. He's a very nice man and in relatively great shape and knows God as does 'H'. He even put aside his male pride in realizing that 'H' makes more money than him, and he's okay with that. Liek me, he's beginning to learn that money isn't everything. Also like me, 'R' likes to spend time in the gym and is pretty muscular.

I'm not positive on if this was a factor leading up to an injury, but I guess 'R' has been in some pain for a while now. Pain so annoying that simple aspirin wasn't doing the trick, so he ended up doubling the amount of Tylenol PM. Whereas a regular dosage is 2 pills, he was taking 4. And it just wasn't a one time deal, and though I am not 100% positive, he had been on this higher dosage of self medication for numerous days, perhaps even weeks in a row.

Finally this caught up with him, and actually did more harm than good. So much harm in fact, that long story short, he ended up in the hospital with liver failure soon to be followed by kidney failure. He is currently on dialysis for his blood, but more importantly, he has to have a liver transplant. He's only in his mid 30's as well, like me, and now he's supposedly #1 on a liver transplant list. I can barely believe it, as he was just at my house a few weeks ago and I'd say he was healthier than me. And now he lays in a hospital awaiting a liver.

So many questions. Will he make it? How is 'H' holding up? How is this affecting his, and their relationship with God? Possible marriage plans? Life span? Income? Dietary habits?

So I ask that you pray for 'R' and hopefully it is God's will that he pull through and live a productive life.

Tough Evening (part II)

It's been over a week since part one of this entry, and for all intents and purposes I'm over it, or we're over it as I am not as emotionally distraught about that night as I was the day following it.

I do know that I was hurt and angry. Hurt in the sense my wife really knew how to push my buttons that night and I was incredulous she blurted out what she did....as if I just sat on my butt all day long. Angry in the sense, I couldn't understand why she couldn't put herself in my shoes and listen to her nag and go 'off' on me. Angry that if I were another type of person, and not have some idea about spirituality or basic human morals, I could have decked her. One of those rare occassions on where in my head that a single hard blow couldn't solve. But of course as I think this, I also think about the police, going to jail, my parents, her parents and so many more ramifications that would not prove beneficial to me. But I'll be honest in saying, sometimes I can 'almost' empathize on why spouses end up hitting their mate....I was brought right up to the edge, just one iota away from knocking her into next week.

I feel somewhat ashamed for writing those last few sentences. But am I truly ashamed at my feelings? Feelings and emotions that are hard to control in the heat of the moment? It's always easy after the fact to look back and realize how foolish and stupid that would have been, but who really thinks when we are emotional or full of rage? That's why there are those defenses I suppose of momentary insanity, where we step out of our grounded mind and we become someone else, even if it's just for a split second. That's all it takes. One split second to lose your cool and hurt someone you love. I imagine there are millions of people who did cross that line for a split second, and are now very, very sorry.

How do we allow our emotions to get the better of us? Especially if we say we believe in God and want to worship and please him and lead a Christ-like life. I don't know.

I do know that Christ said to love your enemies, forgive a person 7 times 70 if they confess and repent, etc., etc..

I forgive my wife, but did she or does she forgive me? That, I can't answer either. My wife has a very hard time saying sorry. It's almost as if that word has been erased from her own vocabulary, and that hurts as well. I admit when I am wrong, and generally when I cool down and realize I was mistaken, I have no problem going to her, or anybody else for that matter and saying that I was wrong and that I am sorry. Sometimes it does paign me, but I generally feel better afterwards.

Anyway, we went to bed and she left the television on loud enough to spite me, loud enough to as where she 'knew' I couldn't sleep. Baiting me to start up again. But I didn't want to talk to her either, I was angry and stubborn, and afraid of round two. So I lay in bed, miserable, not being able to sleep, not giving her the satisfaction of addressing her anymore that evening.

And just like that, the next evening she acted as if it never happened. We went to work that morning not saying anything to each other, and when she got home, she talked to me as if the preceeding incident never happened. That's my wife's idea of saying sorry...pretend it never happened and everything is okay. Man, I loathe that, but I also loathe fighting with her too. I wonder if the Holy Spirit ever convicts her as it does me. I know I feel guilty and not right when we argue, and I hate that feeling.

Death and a new body in Christ

This past weekend, a member of my new church passed away unexpectedly from what may be a heart-attack. He was 46 years old, at work, and in good shape by all accounts, and it was instant.

He leaves behind a wife and two children in their early teens. I know his name, but can't place his face, nor that of his wife or children, yet when I learned of this I was deeply saddened for his widow and kids. I don't even know this man, perhaps he handed me the Sunday bulletin one morning as he was a greeter for the church, and yet I cried and broke into instant prayer for comfort for his family.

Some say he was under a considerable amount of stress. I don't know his history, but more than one person mentioned stress and that he often internalized it. This scares me...literally....as the little I know about him parallels my life quite a bit. Some would say I am in better that average shape. Actually I know I am, and I would be in better shape if I hadn't injured myself and had a few corrective shoulder surgeries this last year.

But I recognize that I am very bad with stress, and I tend to internalize it as well. Sometimes it gets bad enough were I take medication to help calm me down. I've seen a few doctors and with my sleep patterns and slightly elevated blood pressure and some other symptoms I often think, no dwell on stress. I've really been praying as of late to have God help me learn to disengage my stress, to learn how to 'take it easy' without being lazy. Not sure it works. When it gets bad enough, a tightening in the chest or shortness of breath, I pop a pill or have a drink. Not a very glamourous solution, but a quick fix that gets me over the hump until next time.

I often wonder how I am going to die. I know Christ doesn't want us to think that way. He asks (or is it commands) that we are not to worry, that when our time is up, its up, so no use dwelling on it. With my family's history of longevity, I used to think I would live into my eighties or even nineties, but I'm not so sure anymore. Lately I've been thinking I'm a candidate of a stress related heart attack or even cancer that is brought on by stress.

Lately my church has been talking about receiving a new and restored body in heaven and/or paradise. I think about that a lot too. As much as I don't want to die, I sometimes think my life would be easier if I fell asleep and never woke up. Depression will do that to you. I am not strong enough to think about suicide and I even though I am not Catholic, I do think that suicide is an unforgiveable sin. I also feel guilty for thinking that way, because I know compared to many others I live a very lucky life and God has always provided. There are many that have lost everything, maybe their health, a family member, all their savings or something else. But I can't stop shake the occasional thought of not waking up and being in paradise.

I'm pretty lucky as far as my body goes I suppose. There are those with disfigurements, mental and/or physical handicaps that find complete joy in life or joy in God. Myself, I've been blessed with decent looks and a strong body, but some physical abuse in the gym and working out has started to wear it down now. No longer am I the 25 year old who could bench press 350 lbs. In the last ten years I have blew out my right knee (torn meniscus and ACL), torn my right rotator cuff twice that ended up in intensive and painful surgeries, have a bad back (a recent MRI shown two fractures when I was teen I didn't even knwo about) that the doctor said someday I'm a candidate for having pins placed in my lower back.

Now in my mid 30's I ache a lot more. My body is often sore. Especially when it gets colder, my shoulder and back often have a dull ache and I'm only in my 30's. I can imagine what kind of pain I'll be in 20 years or more. I imagine my new body in heaven. I wonder if I will look the same. Can you imagine a body that doesn't age, or gets hurt, or suffers from pain? Forever?

In a way, I'm envious of the man who just recently passed. He already has his new body, and all that depression and stress and pain has been washed away FOREVER. We may be sad here, but he is living paradise in the glory of God today. It makes me cry. I hate being depressed.

End Times dream

I know I am skipping the conclusion of my previous post, but I had a very disturbing dream last night that I am not sure what to make of.

A few things first about me and dreams:
- I usually dream in color.
- Sometimes I can even recall smells and tastes.
- I dream pretty often, or at least I remember them more than most people do.
- I tend to fight insomnia in my life and have tried everything from melatonin, white noise, perscription Ambien, praying, natural herbal drinks and extracts, black-out blinds, alcohol on occasion, Tylenol PM, and Simply Sleep. Not all at once of course, I'd be dead. They work with varying degrees of success and failures.
- I have very violent dreams many times. Usually involving injury, death, or killings. I have dreamt of being stabbed, being shot, falling, crashing in a plane, crashing in a car, bleeding out. Not all of my dreams are of this nature, but I can remember very few 'pleasant' dreams.

Lately I have been suffering under a lot of stress. Even though I wish to release my stress and worries over to Christ, I think I often take them back under control. I pray that I learn to release my fears and my anxieties, but that is easier said than done. The last time I went in for a physical, the doctor said my blood pressure is a little elevated at times. I know I suffer from stress, much of it self-induced, but that's another topic for another day.

Recently my church has been preaching about Joseph from the book of Genesis. It appears that Joseph had the gift of interpretation of dreams from God, and always gave God credit in this area. In Pharoah's court he accurately interpreted dreams regarding two of Pharoah's esteemed servants and also the state of the Egyptian empire and gained favor in God's (and the Pharoah's) eyes.

I personally don't have this gift, though I have often wondered if God did give me the gift of discernment. I'm usually pretty accurate on my reading of people and situations, sorta like a sixth sense or intuition about things if they are a blessing or not, but it could also just be coincidence or luck.

Last night I had a dream about 'The' Rapture, you know.....the one were all believers are instantly whisked off to heaven and the non-believers are left-behind to endure the 7 year tribulation. Yeah, I never ever had that dream before or anything similar to it in my life. Yet last night I dreamt in very vivid detail what happened, and I was one of those 'left behind', very distraught because it seemed like I was the only one who knew what had just happened, and yet I was not taken away.

I was walking down a street of some metropolis and I recall others around me going about their business. In my head I heard a narration, it sounded like me talking to myself and commenting silently on the events as they transpired. I sensed something was about to happen and I felt a sense of dread, not neccesarily fear. The sky took on a life of its own, suddenly getting brighter and brighter, almost as if a nuclear blast went of an illuminated and engulfed everything around me in an ever expanding wave, and just as suddenly contracted to darkness.

In my mind and my heart, I had known I just experienced The Rapture, that God took all his children right then and there, but I was still standing, and it was dark. It was dark in the way as if the sun and the moon and the stars had all just dissapeared or been shut off and they were not comming back.

I then realized that there were people around me, the sames ones on the street that were previously going about their business. I heard them talking to one another, wondering what just happened. I recall people not knowing what to do either, perhaps just lay down where they were until this passed, to save themselves from any further and unseen danger.

I remember someone stating that water should be a priority, and that we should band together and move about looking for somewhere safe to huddle about. I know many of used opened our cell phones for a source of light as we walked together, the whole time in my head knowing that mankind as we knew it only had 7 years left and it was going to get much worse and our chances for survival were slim, and I again I wondered why God did not take me.

A jeep approached from the distance, and again I noted that the headlights were more or less the only source of light other than our cell phones, and I wondered how much longer they would last before we were in perpetual darkness.

I woke up shortly thereafter and have been pondering all day what had triggered such a dream. What does it mean? Does it even have meaning? Was it my own mind playing tricks on me, or was God trying to get my attention about something else?

Not sure.

While the dream itself was an experience, it is not one I wish to repeat anytime soon.

Tough evening

This isn't exactly the post I wanted to write today, however, events of last night as they unfolded with my wife have left me in a spiritual quagmire.

First and foremost, let me say that I love my wife, and as I just recently explained to a person, that if any commitment that I have ever made to God I hold true and dear to my heart is the commitment and sanctity of marriage. I truly believe that it is a contract I have made with the creator at the altar, my allegiance to that contract more or less supersedes many of my other core beliefs. I think the only way I would ever entertain the notion of divorce is if I found my wife cheated on me or one day said she didn't love me anymore. But per the obligatory 'through good times and in bad', I remain faithful to the idea and institution of marriage.

Now that doesn't mean I don't have some sneaking thoughts occasionally that make me wonder if she was indeed the "one". There are times when we argue or are on such different pages in our thinking or where our priorities are, I often wonder if I didn't make a mistake. Usually those moments are few and far between each other, but when they strike, they strike.

We had an argument the other night, one I wasn't looking to participate in. I actually tried to avoid it...more than once....I said "Can we discuss this later?", but my wife wasn't really having that.

You see, recently I have been unemployed. Not by choice and not because of my performance. The position was simply 'eliminated', and I found myself out of work for the first time in over ten years. Seeing that we just bought a house two years ago, been married for just under three, my car is falling apart and some other issues (another post for another day), I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Lately I have spent a lot of time in the recesses of my own personal hell. I have been very lonely during the day on top of interviews that go nowhere, searching for employment, and more or less walking around in a daze. Some days I feel like just giving up, but I don't go down easy....no matter what the enemy throws at me, and lately it seems as if has had a field day with me.

Anyway, I feel like I'm going of track here...

My wife the other night asks me "What did you do today?" Well, that may seem like an innocent question, but it was the third day in a row she asked me that, and her tone of voice suggested some undercurrent hints of resentment.....that I was sitting at the house doing nothing. Because I didn't finish everything on the "Honey Do" list. Well, simply stating besides cleaning the house (vacuuming, dishes, trash, mopping dusting), yard work, some outdoor painting of the trim, cooking dinner nightly, entertaining the dog on top of phone calls, resumes, cover letters, interviews, searches, etc....I was a bit taken back and hurt...

to be continued....

Welcome. 1st post.

I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for stopping by here.

This Blog more or less came to me as an epihany a few weeks back and I struggled for a while if it was the right move or not, to divulge my faith in a pleasing way to the Almighty.

Recently, in times of ongoing personal crisis, I found a lot of support from family, friends and church. Yet, for some reason it never seemed enough. I don't want to sound greedy or unthankful, but for some reason I though maybe God did abandon me. That's crazy, I know. Deep down in my heart, and even in my mind, I know that God has a plan for each and every single one of us. The problem is, he reveals this plan in 'his' time, not 'mine'. And because I am and have always been an impatient person, when the answers don't come as soon as I like, I tend to wonder if I did something wrong.

Something unpleasing.

Something unworthy.

Then I am reminded that even the best of us are sinners, and God does not liek to punish. Yet, I am not positive if he 'tests' a persons mettle as much as many Christians like to proclaim. "Oh, this is God test to you.", they say. I am not so sure about that, or comfortable in absolute agreement.

Oh, by the way, I figure I must tell you I am a Christian. I know there are many flavors of Christians and Christianity, so I'd have to clasify myself as 'Non-demoninational', born-again Christian. But don't let that scare you away.

I have problems.

I'm not perfect, nor ever claimed to be.

My faith is shaken from time to time, and I am trying to overcome fear, anger, jealousy and many other secular practices, and I'm not sure I ever will. If I were, or anyone was perfect, then why would we need Jesus for salvation?

But I have had a calling as of late. Though I'd consider myself a church goer for many years, actually most of my life, it was only recently that my mind and heart and spirit were and continue to be at war with one another. I had a need to seek out the peace of Jesus and to recongnize things in my life as of late, and then the hammer dropped.

Death, loss of a job, clinical depression. Just a small sampling of things I thought I was in control of until my heart began to ache, and I began to cry at any given time. When the loss of sleep affecting my sanity and all the prayers in the world seemed like they fell on deaf ears.

Thus the idea of this blog. Inspired by God? Maybe. A thought that has festered in my brain that I cannot get rid of. To share with you, no matter how I am judged, in hopes of perhaps helping you to discover something about yourself the same way I am trying to rediscover who I am in God ultimate plan. Perhaps a dose of self-psychology and counseling...to get my thought out of my head, and my heart, and on paper, or on this case cyber-space.

Maybe you'll identify, maybe you won't. But I have to do this. Something in my head told me to.

Welcome.