Another fine weekend?

Flowers I took this morning via Instagram

It has been one week today that my wife was served papers.

I have received zero contact from her since.

I have no idea if she will continue to go to therapy or not.  I'm even doubting she went the first time since I still haven't received any official paperwork from the insurance company (since it's in my name and provided by my company) as of yet, and they are pretty prompt about doing that.

Speaking of therapy, today is my third session with my own therapist, and I'm not even sure where we'll begin.  My thoughts on the matter are kind of unfocused right now, so I may need him to lead me today.  I also plan on working in the gym tonight as well, most likely after my seesion.

Later tonight will also be my 3rd week in a row at Celebrate Discovery for co-dependancy.  What a way to spend a Friday night these days isn't it?  When I get home, I'll watch a movie "Horrible Bosses" that came in from Netflix, and go to bed after that.

I'm supposed to spend the day with some friends tomorrow on an outdoor adventure again, followed by dinner.  It will be an all day affair, so my dad is picking up my dog today and my parents will keep him overnight until I pick him back up on Sunday when I have breakfast with them.

The only issue I may have with this outing is one of my wife's friends is going, and I'm sure she'll be taking in everything I do, say, and act and eventually report it back to my wife.  This is the friend that invited me to her boyfriends surprise party a few weeks back that I backed out of at the last minute because my wife showed up.  I imagine there will be some tension between us, so I have to be very careful and be very mindful on what I say.  Which more or less means I will not say anything, and even when asked directly, I will need to be polite and tell her I am not willing to talk about it on a such a nice day outside.  Needless to say, I'm a tad nervous and probably thinking about it much more than she is at this point (yet another character flaw of mine....overthinking things that haven't even happened yet).

The good news is there will be a total of 11 of us, so hopefully it won't come up at all, but since my friend will be driving, I will be stuck with her in the car more than I would like to be allowing for any conversation to happen.

Then Sunday will be spent with my parents in the morning, perhaps the gym again in the late morning/early afternoon, and possibly yet another neighborhood gathering mid-afternoon just to go back to work on Monday.  Seems like I will have a lot to keep myself busy and moving, so hopefully that will continue my own healing process and not feel like such an introvert (like the last 5 evenings in a row at the house).

I think I may have already mentioned this earlier this week, but I began re-listening to "Codependant No More" on my Adnroid phone and find this second time around is just as helpful.

Still a bit angry, but no tears for a few days now.  But that may change tonight.

I hope on Sunday I will have a chnace to pack yet another box of my wife's trinkets and misc. crap such as the tons of 1/2 used lotion samples, women's hair brushes and assorted feminine toiletries and stupid magnets with lame cliche sayings about "everyday is wine day" or something similar.  Just some purging of excess stuff that I will never use that I want to throw out, but feel it may not be wise just in case the court slaps my hand.

Oh, I think I need to clarify one thing from yesterday's post: "Fresh Wounds".  Fresh wounds was a term I used yesterday to comment on the process of my own divorce.  The wounds have been there for quite some time, months if not years to be exact, but the idea of actually serving papers finally feels like the 'line in the sand' has been drawn.  Since that was only a week ago and my wife hasn't even repsonded as of yet, I feel very cautious about pursuing any type of dating in my life.  I think people will give me a hard time and say 'the ink isn't even dry yet'....Yes, I agree with that.  That being said, the failed intervention was back in mid Feb, and we're rapidly approaching May 1st now.  I've been toying with the idea of creating a profile on a Christian dating site, but feeling it may be a bit premature still.  And with yesterdays revelation that an old aquaintence felt the need to share she once faniced me, I admit, has sparked my interest...but I wonder how much of this interest is me being on the 'rebound'.  At least she comes out to visit in about 3 weeks from now, so maybe that will give me a chance to sort things out a bit more.

Developments

It did rain last night, not as heavy or as early as the weathermen had predicited.  It was actually much more mild than I anticpated.  We were supposed to get thunder and lightning, but that didn't happen.  It was supposed to start raining heavily at 6pm, but by 8pm it was just merely sprinkling with a few light showers throughout the night.

The heater didn't even kick in.

At 7pm last night my MIL called me.  Seems my FIL had a change of heart or mind and now they wouldn't be coming down today to pick up my wife's clothing.  So I have six large boxes of clothes, her work crap, and a full suitcase of hers that I am now moving into the spare bedroom.

Dang-it, I was hoping it would be gone, but now looks like I will be storing it for a while afterall.

Two of the men from church tried to call me after that, but I wasn't in the mood.  I just let them go to voicemail.  See, on my way home from work my mom called yet again and talked AT me for 15 minutes.  Nothing new...same stuff, different day.  It just gets exasperating after a while.

Recieved an email from a childhood friend I recently re-connected with.  She lives in another state and she too is a recent re-dedicated Christian who also went through a divorce a year ago and has two small girls.  She revealed to me that when she was younger back when we were in Jr. High and High School, she had a secret crush on me....even went as far as to stalk my work place back then, but never had the nerve to say anything to me.  She thought I was out of her league.  That was very flattering and sweet, and she's gorgeous today.

No...nothing is happening on that front...she just wanted me to feel good.  She's quite aware of my situation and has been very kind to me these past few weeks, but she has plenty of her own stuff going on and she's at least 6-7 hours away, and my wounds are way to fresh (as are hers).  Plus, that was 20 years ago.

Lastly a male friend of mine sent me an email this morning which was a surprise.  Seems that my wife contacted him last week (out of the blue) and was quizzing him on me.  Was trying to dig and pry on what I have been up to...which was a surprise to him, because other than this blog I journal in, most of my friends (other than my dearest and closest) don't have any idea on what's happening.  They say "loose lips sink ships", so other than here, mums the word.  It's good to see that my wife is digging for dirt on me now and apparently no one has anything to say to her and it's frustrating her.  Good.

Discoveries

Discoveries.

Today's title just popped into my head.  There was no forethought or planning involved, but it seems apropos as I type this...multiple explanations already racing to the forefront of my frontal lobe.

Discoveries.

Last night was about discoveries.

As I came home to pack up what I thought was just one more box of my wife's clothing, it actually turned into three (I can't believe how much I underestimated how much clothing she actually had) and with certain items memories came flooding back:  I remember when she wore this dress for the first time.-or- I loved this denim jacket of hers. -or- I recall her wearing this when we went on vacation that one year.  Just certain items, not all of them.

And then I found a box under our bed from the day she got let go from her work a year ago.  Inside were all this miscellaneous work related garbage that only would make sense to her, but then I came across some of my old letters to her when we first dated and early on in our marriage.  Some of them I remember writing, some of them I don't...but she kept them (or maybe she even forgot herself and just stuffed them in a drawer).

There were also pictures of me, of us, of family gatherings.  Boy did I look young 9 years ago.  I still had dark hair.  Not so much grey as I do now.  My wife looked good too.  We looked happy. 

I took all the pictures that were of me and us together.  I'm not sure why, but I don't want her having anything of me right now.  Maybe I've seen too many TV shows were the ex throws darts at the guy, or burns them at a bonfire with all her girlfriends standing around in a circle with a bottle of red wine.  Maybe I want her to know that I went through her stuff and I'm 'scrubbing' myself from her life.  Maybe I'm being childish.  Maybe I want to keep those as memories of happier times that one day I can look back at fondly.

Maybe a combination of all of the above.

I discovered that I didn't cry.  I mean, I wasn't happy or thrilled or anything like that, but I wasn't devastated either.  I was more morose and melancholy and business like.  I looked at the process as just getting rid of "stuff", looking forward to having more space and less reminders.  It's liberating in a weird way to see all these boxes being packed up and soon to be gone.

My dog was indifferent.  This time he really didn't even bother to smell her stuff.

I did the same to Facebook last night as well.  I began deleting and untagging pictures of us or her in my albums.  Don't ask me why...I just did.

I still haven't received a reply regarding the $174 in CC payments I covered for her.  But she did get a cancellation warning from the auto insurance company yesterday if she doesn't pay within the next week.  She just got that policy a month ago, and already isn't paying them on time.  Thank God it's in her name and I'm in no way attached to her policy.  Yup...42 years old...and completely irresponsible

My SIL called me and said that my wife went on a rant yesterday on her own FB status, and no one knows why.  Something about looking at lie through rose colored glasses, and people should mind their own business and keep advice to themselves, and that there is two sides to every story and she's right and misunderstood, or whatever.

I discovered that I didn't care as much as I thought I would. 

I admit I actually chuckled.  It's good to know that as much as things change, they also stay the same.

It goes to show that she still can't find happiness no matter where she runs to.  It shows me she's still an 'angry' person in general and I began to wonder how much of my depression over the years was a result of living with someone who is just plain angry and unhappy in general.  I know I'm co-dependant, and as I type this I am continuing to discover just how intertwined my life and mental well being is/was affected by her overall attitude and personality.  Let the next guy pay for her never ending financial pickles.  Let the next guy deal with her coming home and leaving whenever she wants to.  Let him deal with the agony she causes with her daughter and family.  Let him deal with her belief that the world is out to get her and she can do no wrong.

It's supposed to rain later today and tonight.  I have lunch with two of my guy friends today, and when I get home a nice hot dinner and cozy up on the couch with my dog and drink some hot tea as we listen to the pitter-patter on the roof.  I may even light my fireplace.

Fighting the feeling

I slept pretty good last night.  It got a little chilly at the house, so I snuggled up in the blankets, my Shnauzer pressed into me....and actually had a dream about my wife.

I think I dreamt about her because even though we didn't speak yesterday, I was thinking of her as I opened our mailbox and discovered this months new bills showing that last months were never paid (before she left).  I was kinda angry as she 'promised' me that she would take care of the bills for March (since she was still there until the 20th), and now I have to double up the payments on most of them to keep current.

My mom took me out to dinner last night.  We had Thai and did a little shopping at Target.  While we were out, (speak of the devil), my wife texted me.  She texted me a picture of some clouds, and said:

Saw these clouds today...(when I'm having my little "reflection time"  I like to see what shapes I can make out of them)  anyhow, the 2nd one down reminded me of the Millenium Falcon or a pod racer....maybe a ship from Star Trek...just thought I'd share....

This is the first time she has tried to contact me in about 6 days.  I didn't know how to respond, other than a simple "I can see that.  Thank you."...and that was that.

Mind games?  Is she really reflecting?  My mom told me to stay strong, that someday....maybe not soon...but someday my wife will realize what a mistake she made and what she threw away.

Regardless, I think that's why I may have dreamed of her last night.

But then as I was shaking the cobwebs out of my head and having my first cup of coffee this morning, I took a look at the bills: Partial paid water bill, unpaid CC bill, unpaid HOA bill, unpaid property tax bill.  And then I started to think about the fact she is still bowling in another state, and driving all over the place, and hanging out at Irish pubs, and I come to the realization that her priorities are still the same....they are all about her and her fun.

And I get mad.

I get angry.

I want to get even.

But I know that's not the way. 

That's not me.

I ask for God to forgive me for these thoughts I am having and remind myself that my wife has lost it.  I ask Him to calm my spirit, to take a deep breath, and remember to continue to pack her things when I get home.

Against my better judgement, I did send her an email today, with copies of her Credit Card bill.  2 of them.  $87 each....that I paid.  And I asked her for a reimbursement.  No response yet.  I don't expect one.  I'm trying to realign myself and change my thought process to "it's just business".

Detachement is the key word, and I replayed that audio chapter from 'Codependant No More' again today.  I may have to listen again later today.  I'm fighting the feeling of wanting to call her and talk, but I'm still mad and no nothing good is going to come out of my mouth, so I pray I endure and make it through the day without further temptation.

Off Roading

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you.  Hear Me saying, Peace, be still to your restless heart.  No matter what happens, I will never leave you or forsake you.  Let this assurance soak into your mind and heart, until you overflow with Joy.  Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, you need not fear." (April 20 daily devotion, Jesus Calling)

I must have read this a 1/2 dozen times so far, and I expect to be reading it a half a dozen more over the next few days (or hours).

This past weekend had a lot of ups and downs.  My wife was served papers on Friday morning and it is my understanding she is reaching out to friends (the few left) for her own lawyer.  Not sure how she is going to pay for one, but that may explain why I learned on saturday she is now dipping into what's left of her IRA account (and paying stiff penalties to boot), but the less money she has it may be better for me in the long run.  I can't imagine her spending what little left she has to fight me, but then again, she is so unpredictable as of late, who knows.

Spoke with my inlaws on Saturday afternoon.  They said they would be more than happy to pick up all her clothes if I were to box them up and place them on the porch.  My mother-in-law said she's text my wife and tell her she has a week to pick them up from their house, and if she didn't they would either sell them or donate them to goodwill.  My MIL made it clear to me that she is not enabling her daughter, how disapointed they are with her, and they aren't going to store her belongings in lieu of her behaviors.

Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery again.  I didn't stay for the afterhour social gathering, just the open-share meeting.  It was nice to 'release' again, and it's so heartbreaking to hear other mens stories like my own.  Some are further along in the process than I am and some seem to be doing okay.  I wish I were.  I think I cried everyday the last four days now.

I came home and was in bed by 11pm, but as my troubled being would have it, I woke up at around 3am, and could never fall back asleep.  It really sucks when you can't turn your mind off and the same crap just keeps playing over and over again in a loop in your brain.

Off Road

Saturday day, my friend took me out off-roading for the day.  He has an FJ Crusier and belongs to a FJ club and we went on a 40+ mile off road adventure.  It was fun, but I warned him...my mind is divided.  I maybe sitting in the co-pilot seat with him, bouncing up and down on teh trail, but my mind kept drifting back to my marriage.  Had dinner at my parents house that night, came home, watched TV and hit the bed by 9:30.  Yes, 9:30 on a Saturday, but I needed it.



Aftermath of trip



Sunday was filled with church (where I cried yet again), and afterwards I came home to pack three more boxes of my wifes clothing.  I figure I have at least 2 more to do tonight before I call my MIL up to have her pick it all up sometime this week.  I cleaned house, did some grocery shopping, and dusted my whole downstairs.  Then I realized that my 4.5 year old PC at home....the graphics card died.  I could replace the graphics card for around $200, or buy a new PC (this years model) for about $700.  Despite my personal situation, I am leaning to a new PC right now because even if I just replace the graphics card, it's starting to show it's age and is slowing down a bit.  I think my hard drive has just about had it as well, and I need to learn Win 7 anyway for work purproses.  At least I checked my Best Buy credit status and I can buy a new PC and pay it off with no interest over the course of 18 months.  A little math suggests I have a payment of $42 a month, so I just might.

And as no surprise to anyone, my wife has not paid me any money for her taxes and a new round of bilsl coming in this week suggest she only made partial payments on the last ones.  So in the next few weeks, I'll have to think about going to my church and inquiring about perhaps finding a room-mate for a while.  I could use the extra $600 a month right now (which is DIRT CHEAP in my area).  People would kill for that price, but I need to find the right person...who will also like my dog...and be mature enough and responsible enough to treat my house like they would there own.  Maybe someone from Celebrate?

I also hit the gym yesterday.  Did legs, rode the bike for a bit, just getting in some exercise.

A few of the neighbors began talking to me again.  Things are slowly turning around there.  At least a few are starting to accept the fact and idea that my wife leaving wasn't my fault.  Some are starting to put things together and realize my wife may have been exaggerating circumstances, or embelishing the facts a bit more than previously reported.  By keeping my mouth shut, and by staying humble and quiet, I have allowed herself to dig her own grave in that regard.  A couple of them told me that they don't blame me now and they know that I've been patient and wanting to give her more than her fair share of chances....at least they are starting to see that for themselves.  One couple even invited me over for dinner.  But I'm not gloating....far from it.  I just remain quiet, try to change the subject, or keep to myself for the time being,

Friday

It's early Friday afternoon, and nothing new to report.

My dad came by and took my dog for the night, so that frees me up to go to the gym after work, then Celebrate Recovery at 8pm, play a video game when I get home at 9:15 (or so), hit the hay and be on my way for tomorrow's day ride excursion with me friend.

They say "no news is good news", so in that regard I've not heard from my wife since Wed evening now.  Nor from my lawyer, or anyone else.  I hate sitting in limbo.

I've brought my headphones back to work and started to re-listen to "Codependant No More", and read my devotionals today.

At lunch, I went for a walk.  I created a radio station on my Droid called "America" using Pandora.  I sat under a tree I had walked to about two blocks away from work and just listened to these soft classic rocks ballads of the 70's.  Many of the songs are so pretty, and the lyrics so poignant.  A few of them were pretty apropos as they sung about lost loves, heartache, and of all things....cheating. 

I'm not making light of it, but I think it is kinda weird that this is what my ears are attuned to right now, or selectively hearing or filtering through.

Mom called me afterwork yesterday as I drove home.  Wanted to know how I was doing.  What does she expect? "Hey, everything is just awesome.  I'm serving my wife papers.  My marriage is ending.  I'm heading back to an empty house and packing boxes of clothes and memories.  Taking pictures off the wall.  How are you?"

Ick.

Praying that God now softens and works on my own heart.  I'm feeling bitter and angry today and I don't like it.  Not one bit.  I need to work on forgiveness, but it just seems so hard right now.  I'm actually deflecting it altogether if I'm being honest with myself.  I'm trying not to think about it, so I don't have to think about forgiveness.

It's been over three months now since I've been intimate with my wife.  Not sure why I'm sharing that with you.  It's waaaaaayyyyy too early to even consider dating anyone right now, but I can't help but thinking about certain aspects of relationships, and trying to figure out when the appropriate amount of time needs to pass before I even consider putting myself back out there.  3 months?  6 months?  When the divorce is over?  Probably the latter.  That's the "right" thing to do, but it feels strange not to have a partner after 10 years.  And now I have to wrestle with the idea if I am emotionally cheating before my marriage is officially over, and if so, does that not equate me to my wife?

I'm over-analyzing again today.  Actually, I think I'm just talking just to tlak.  Filling space because somehow I feel obligated to journal this crap.  It's not making any real sense to me either, so don't feel bad if you're lost...heck, you should be in my mind right now.  Everything in there is chaos right now.

An "America" to relax by.

I'm not the biggest fan of classic rock music, and I was a little young when America was in their hey-day, but I discovered them for myself sometime in my mid-thirties.

When I'm depressed, or I feeling a little anxious and need some calming music to relax to, I put on "America's" Greatest Hits.

For some reason, I find their harmony very relaxing and soothing to me, however, depending on the song it can depress me if I really listen to the lyrics.

Today, using my Android phone, I am going through their entire catalog from the cloud, and have to say, it has a weird effect on me.

One of the main guys, I forget his name right now, but he became a born again Christian and wrote a book about his personal journey of leading a rock 'n roll lifestyle (drugs, money, women) before he cleaned up his act.  I think he recently died not to long ago.  I hope they make an audio version of his book.  I'd like to listen to it as a fan.

Anyway, it's late Thursday afternoon....no news on any front really right now.  Just looking forward to tomorrow night and Saturday with my friend, and here's to hoping I make some new friends as well.

Pins & Needles

Every time my smartphone rings or chirps right now, I jump.

Any time now I should be either receiving an email from my lawyer saying my wife has been served, or an heart wrenching text from my wife once she receives the doucments, whoever gets to it first.

Had a decent dinner with a friend of mine from church last night.  I took him to a Thai place in town, and it was nice to spend a hour outside the house.  My friend is a recovering alcoholic himself.  He's been sober  right around 6 months now I believe.  To listen to his story, he's lost days of his life due to blackouts....knowing he started on a Tuesday and the next thing he knows its Thursday, losing 48 hours of his life. 

He's been an excellent friend and support person for me and I'm glad he's in my life.

After dinner I went to PetSmart to get some "bribes" for my dog.  As I was standing in line, my phoen chirped.  It was my wife wondering if I am going to talk to her anytime soon.  I want to, but like I said yesterday, I don't even know where to start.  I did not call or text her back. 

When I got home last night there was an interesting voice mail message from the bank.  It appears my wife must have called within the last day or two and wanted to inquire about 'liquidating' her IRA.  She only opened that IRA less than a year ago, when she rolled her 401K over into it and already paid a penalty on that.

I suspect my wife is now having financial issues, even more so than I would have guessed.  I have two weeks worth of unemployment forms/letters for her at the house I did not forward...nor has she asked for them (strange), so I have no idea how she is getting unemeployment right now.

And according to a mutual friend who spoke with her earlier in the week, no job prospects either.

Curious, I called the bank this morning and asked if there was any penalties if someone wished to liquidate or borrow from their IRA.  Yes, somewhere between 10-15% depending on the nature of the request and amount.  Hey, the more she borrows against herself, the more penalties she has to pay, meaning less money for her. 

I have a suspicision that she will be coming down this weekend.  Whether it's today, tomorrow, or Saturday, I just have a gut feeling she's going to be driving down whether she's been served or not.  I suspect she want's to talk to me since I've been avoiding her. I also suspect she wants her mail.  And possibly now to go to the bank and see about her IRA (unless she's doing that in her new state).

I think I'm going to ask my parents to take my dog Friday night once my dad comes by to walk him and keep him overnight.  Two reasons: 1) I do suspect my wife will be dropping by unexpectedly, and I don't want 'my' dog (the only thing left in my life who is my companion) to be in the middle of anything, and 2) My other friend wants to take me out for the day on Saturday.  He belongs to an off-road truck club, and wants to take me on a 1/2 day excursion with his club.  He's been asking me forever and I something was always coming up on my end, but I agreed this time as my schedule is wide open, and if I am indeed gone most of the day from the house on Saturday, the less chances my served and angry wife will be able to confront me.

Slept 'okay' last night.  still getting up once or twice in the middle of night for no reason, but this time I didn't use a sleeping pill.  I did, however, get up at 5:30...an hour before I usually do during the week, but laid under the covers until about 6:10 before I got up and had coffee and watched some TV. 

Have a mild headache now, probably from lack of breakfast.  I still feel a little anxious today, most likely because of the aforementioned 'waiting' to get 'the' call.  But it's been pretty quiet on the family side as well.  My MIL or SIL haven't contacted me in a few days now.  I think my SIL is out of town, but it's a tad unusual not to her from my MIL for this long.

My walk with God has taken a slight back seat lately.  I still pray everyday in the morning, but I haven't been reading my daily devotionals like I should be, nor have I been turning 'everything' over to Him either.  Some of my pride or that male stubborness is kicking in making me falsely beleive I can handle things, I can now start controling things.....but I know I'm wrong.  So tomorrow will be Celebrate Recovery, and church on Sunday.  Men's group is not meeting this Saturday.

Need to make it past the next few days.

Tough 24 hours

The last 24 hours has been a bit sing-songy as far as how I feel.

My wife has been quiet, not texting or calling anyone in the last 30 hours that I am aware of. I'm not sure if that means she has herself given up on trying to contact me, giving me some time to cool down, or maybe trying to figure out who leaked what and trying to cover her tracks.

Either way, the silence and not knowing 100% the truth anymore is just eating me up inside.

I hurt so much right now.

I know time will heal things and get me over the hump....eventually.

I didn't fall asleep right away last night. It was closer to 11pm before I even turned the lights out, and that was with the aid of a sleeping pill. Got up at 5:30 and noticed how quiet the house is. I also feel bad for my dog. Thank goodness my father came by yesterday and took him for a nice long walk. He's been a bit more antsy than usual. I'm sure he misses my wife.....and my daughter. He went from having someone around the house all day long to being by himself for upto 10 hours a day during the week if my dad doesn't come by at least once or twice a week.

I try to take him for long walks myself when I get home, enjoying his company when and where I can, but between my prayers, I find my mind wandering over and over past scenarios and events. The majority of my thoughts these last few years on our history have not been kind.

I think of how many times she has put herself first. How many times she came home drunk, late, or embarassed me or others. How many of my birthday's and other special events she pooh-poed when it was my family, or her daughter, but how many things in her life, her fun, she made a priority. How I always came in second or third place.

How many credit cards were maxed out. How many calls from the bank looking for her. How many bounced checks and late fees we paid because of her, but she still managed to find money for her bowling. How many Christmas presents she failed to get her family over the years. How many times she let her daughter down. How many times I have heard her swear at everyone for every problem, but never once take responsibility for any part she may have played. How many times she disrespected my mother. How little effort she put into finding a job this past year when offers were made to her that she thought she was above. How very few times she went to church because sleep was more important. How many times she never invited any family to our house over the years, but always had her enablers over. How many times she got her way, and to hell with what anyone else wanted to do.

The list can go on and on.

I'm having very few positive thoughts about her over the last few years.

But then deep down inside, I ache. I think I still love her....but I have no idea why.

I really am that co-dependant.

Speaking of which, I just finished the audio version of the book "Codependant No More"...and I'm going to listen to it again. I need that daily affirmation right now. I need to hear the symptoms, and struggles, and pain of others to understand and recognize what I am feeling is not abnormal. That I am not alone in this. That I will get through it.

I cried this morning.

And for the first time in over two weeks (maybe closer to three) I took a Xanax this morning.

I am trying to center myself. Trying to calmly count to 10 in my head and be aware of my heart rate, my breathing, my tension....and trying to relax. And then I note the ball of fury in my chest, the rage throbing in my temples, the keen knowledge that I can take my 210 lb frame with all strength behind my arms and my chest and do some serious damage to somebody or something....but for what? Violence....screaming at her....at him....will not solve anything. Will not change anything. When I'm done, she's still an alcoholic. She still ran away. She is still irresponsible. She is still possibly having an affair of the heart. She is still leaving me to pay the bills she incurred. She still lied to me, her daughter, her friends, her family, our neighbors. She tried to cover things up and got caught.

I texted a friend of mine this morning. I asked him to go to dinner with me tonight. He said yes, so I won't be alone, at least for a couple of hours.

I also never thought I'd look so forward to Celebrate Recovery this Friday either. Just to be around other men suffering from similar issues that I can identify with me.

Ugh..copies from the county clerk

It's one thing to have your lawyer tell you that he will file on dissolution of marriage on your behalf.

It's another thing all together when you get an email with copies of the actual filing rubber stamped by the county clerk and in .PDF format.

No turning back.

What an icky feeling.

Hate it.

Nervously calm

I have a strange feeling ovr my body today.

Although I am calm, I have an underlying feeling of anxiety in my chest today. The events of the last few days have made me so tired, that I finally couldn't stay awake any longer last night and hit the sheets at 9:30pm.

Barring from getting up once to use the restroom in the middle of the night, I more or less slept until 6:30am today.

My wife texted me numerous times yesterday, pleading for me to call her. After a few ignores, I responded to a text "You crushed me." in reference to the alleged affair. She called me, and I ignored the call. Her texts then turned somewhat ugly, and then finally admitted she did indeed go to a city back in January and lied to me and her daughter, but she denies meeting anyone there or having an affair.

I really don't believe for one second she drove 4 hours by herself, and then stayed by herself for 2 days. Remember, she was unemeployed at the time (and still is). She asked friends to cover for her. If she has nothing to hide, then why go through all this trouble.

She then texted she went to see a therapist. Awesome. so you go one time after kicking and screaming and denying and lying, and I am supposed to be impressed?

She then called me a second time last night at 6:30pm begging for me to call her.

Are you kidding me?

You have put me, your daughter, your family, and 1/2 your friends on ice the last 26 days, only texting when you feel like it, and now you want to talk on the phone? Hmmmm...coincidence that you found out I know about a possible 'alleged' affair and you're now calling me?

I'm busy today at work, which is a good thing. Idle time, leads to an idle mind, which is my own worst enemy. As "Anon" pointed out yesterday, it doesn't really matter anymore. The wheels are in motion. You will be served sometime this week if and when the process server can track you down.

Again, thanks for stiffing me on the taxes that you owe and I had to pay today on your behalf just to keep my name and credit clear of the IRS. Thanks for lying to me and your daughter and your family about your whereabouts back in January.

I so want to talk to you, but am afraid to because my mind and heart are torn. I still love you, but I refuse to be kicked down anymore. I love you, but your behavior disgusts me. I want to scream and yell, but what does that change? You are damaged and don't even know it. I'm so mad at you, but then again, you are sick...the alcohol has changed you and it's a disease and you are looking at the world from a lost point of view. I feel sorry for you.

An 'affair' of the heart.

.....

Just when you think the bottom can't fall out anymore that it already has, a blind-sided surprise has managed to rip the rug out from underneath me and send me into a dizzying spiral of depression.

The problem is right now I cannot be 100% positive of the validity of this information, however, 2 seperate people who don't know each other and live in completely different geographic regions have very similar stories and time frames for said events. Coupled with my wife's strange behavior and something she packed when she left, leads credence to this 'story', or at the very least points in the direction of it being true.

One of my wife's friends called me late Friday afternoon and said she could no longer cover up for my wife. That in the past week, having been married twice herself, could not bare to hear how crappy I've been treated and felt the need to share something with me....that my wife is possibly having an affair, dating back to January, weeks before the intervention. The gentlemen in question is quite possibly an ex-boyfriend from years ago who is also currently married and has two children of his own.

I asked why she was telling me this now, and the friend explained that she knows what it's like to be cheated on, and is having a hard time continuing to cover up for my wife. Apparently back in January, my wife told me, our daughter, and her family that she was going away for a girls weekend in which nobody thought any differently. In reality this 'girls weekend' didn't happen at all. Instead my wife told her girlfriend to 'cover for her' and if anyone were to ask, that they hung out and to be careful what she posts on Facebook. Why? Because my wife was spending the next few days elsewhere and didn't want anyone, especially me or any member of the family to find out. Most likely with this male companion.

Ice ran through my viens as I heard this and I broke down. Boy did I break down. I never thought I could cry like that, but I did. It was so bad, my neighbor came over to see what was wrong, and in my frazzled state I blurted it out, without knowing the extent of the details or if it was even true.

It just so happens my SIL called me as well and I shared this with her and my BIL, and they said they suspected something as well, but weren't 100% sure themselves, but my wife leaving to where she did and when sounded a little fishy. They just never said anything to me to protect my feelings in case they were wrong.

On Sunday I walked to a neighbors house. A young woman who lives alone but had befriended my wife about 6 months ago. I put her on the spot and asked her if she knew anything. She said she was wondering why my wife's car has been gone lately, and why my wife hasn't been returning her texts or emails. The neighbor said that indeed my wife was receiving and responding to texts from a man back in January. The neighbor said she confronted my wife about it and told my wife she should not be doing this, it will lead to danger, and heartbreak, and more. But the neighbor said she suspected something was up as well.

These two seperate women who don't know each other mentioned another man, around January, who lives in the same area as my wife is now 'visiting'.

You can imagine that I did not sleep at all.

I also have a bleeding ulcer or something. My toilet has been pooling with bright red blood the last day, and after countless hours of crying and pain I am numb. I actually took a brief nap in my car today at lunch I am so tired.

And then to make matters worse, the one neighbor who discovered my crying on Friday night told his wife, who in turn told their neighbor, who in turn (yet again) texted my wife and called her on this.

I haven't spoke to my wife at all in days now, but I received a bevy of frantic texts from her late Saturday begging me to contact her. She denies all this. She denies having an affair. Says it's utter B.S. But why would someone call me out of the blue and tell me this? Why would a second person then match many elements of this story if it wasn't true? How could two people who don't know each other tell me very similar things.

Well, maybe my wife hasn't slept with him...yet, and therefor is able to deny a 'physical' affair. But there is something there on a possible emotional level....maybe just flirting...maybe a shoulder to cry on....but it's WRONG no matter how far it has gone or hasn't gone, especially if it's an old boyfriend.

I have cut off ALL COMMUNICATION from my wife. I am not calling her back. I am not forwarding her mail. Today is Monday and taxes are due. I still have seen no money from her, so I pretty much got stiffed. And all these claims she still loves me....?? When she lied to me about 'girls-weekend'. Bah.

I will be packing more of her clothes tonight and put them on the porch. But I am not helping her anymore. I am note even forwarding her the unemployment papers. I don't want to be vindictive or an ass, but I don't see why I should make it easy for her to get her government pay as she continues bowling and drinking and stiffing me, and now 'Possibly' linked to an affair. In her mind, an affair may be sleeping with someone, not hanging out, texting back and forth, etc.

No turning back...the wheels are now in motion

Despite my wife saying she was not going to go the party last night, I'm glad I chose to stay home anyway.

Why?

Well as my SIL predicted, my wife showed up anyway.

*Sigh*

Well, at least she had the decency not to come to the house last night. And if she did, she would find two large boxes on the porch I packed for her, including her mail. One box is all shoes. The other more clothes. I'll pack more in the future, but two boxes is all I felt like last night.

That being said, I went to bed at an early hour of 9pm. Slept 'okay' although I did get up once at midnight, and again at 3am, and finally at 5:15 in which I decided just to get up and start my day.

Did some grocery shopping...for one....and am going to treat myself to steak one night this week.

Met with my lawyer this morning. 30 minutes is all it took, plus a check for his retainer fee. That being said, I signed the papers. She will hopefully be served mid-week next week in her new state. Lawyer told me to avoid any contact with her, lest I get emotional or allow her to talk me into something.

On the way home I called my dad with the news. He's supportive. For me, I really had no emotion. I wasn't feeling happy or sad. I wasn't depressed or angry. It just felt like a business transaction.

That was until I called my best friend. I let him know what I did and he congratulated me. He said he knows I tried, tried hard for quite some time, but my wife is all about herself right now.

And then I cried. Right there and then in the car. I had a good 3 minute cry, and I'm sure there will be more of those in the days and weeks to come. And then someday next week, when my wife gets served by surprise, the crap will really hit the fan. She says she doesn't want a divorce, that she still loves me (as I've said here before), but I see not one iota of evidence of ANY attempt over the last 3+ weeks to rectify anything.

No...like I said yesterday. Bowling, and parties are her top priorities right now.

So, therapy in about 5 hours, then Celebrate Recovery at 8pm, followed by men's support group tomorrow at 6:15am.

War of Words II

This morning was rich.

I got a text from my wife at around 10am asking me if I wanted to meet her for lunch. So she got here either super early, or she came down the night before and spent the night somewhere in the area.

OMG, come to find out she spent the night at the girls house who is throwing the surprise b-day party for my good friend later today. It gets better. Said mutual friend told my wife I will not go to the party because she will be there. Ahh...great. Really? So not only do you invite my in-denial wife about her drinking to a bar, you let her stay with you and not tell anyone, and then proceed to tell my wife I won't attend because of her drinking.

Am I living in Bizarro world?

I asked my wife is she saw a counsler yet.

She avoided the question by deflecting it to something else.

I asked again.

She stared talking about her sister and how her sister is meddeling in her life and our marriage.

I said "I will assume 'No' since you can't answer the question."

"Actually I do, on Monday."

"Then why don't you just answer the question the first time, instead of dancing around talking about your sister, and everything else?"

-long pause-

I push more..."And what about the deposit you were going to put in the bank for YOUR taxes? You've told me 2x now over the past 2 weeks, and I haven't seen anything. Instead...as is the norm....you are here for a party, meaning you put yourself and fun first, before family, marriage, and responsibility."

That opened the flood gates. I got a series of angry texts in return....all deflections, all excuses, and how I'm not a good friend because I'm not going to a party tonight. They were so random, they didn't even make sense, and oddly this time I didn't get mad or emotional.

She then had the audacity to say "I thought YOU wanted to work on the marriage?" I simply replied..."I'm going to counseling. I'm paying my bills. I'm being a responsible adult. I didn't run away. Something you cannot seem to do."

Her last text to me (which I don't beleive for one second) was "You can go ahead to the party, I'm not going. You make me feel like a child and like shit."

No....you make yourself feel like shit because you know I am right. You feel like shit because you are running out of excuses to get into counseling (it's been over 3 weeks now and you haven't yet gone). You feel like shit because deep down in your heart you know you abandoned your daughter, you abandoned your marriage, you've alienated your family, and your spending the night at other peoples houses and not your own bed. You feel like shit because you know you owe money for your responsibilities but you spend your government handout instead at bowling alleys, bars, and filling your gas tanks driving to your friends places. You feel like shit because you cannot talk, text, or look your daughter in the face right now. You feel like shit because the big dream of getting a job in another state isn't happening like you thought it would.

You feel like shit, because you know all of this is WRONG.

I spoke to my daughter this morning. She feels like crap today. She knew before I did that her mom came into town yesterday, and my wife hasn't even attempted once to contact her.

As I pointed out to my wife. She puts herself and fun first. Family, marriage, God all come in last place.

I am not going to the party tonight: 1) I cannot believe my wife is not going to go after she drove 4 hours yesterday to get here. 2) I cannot believe my friends girlfriend is knowingly harboring my alcoholic wife in her own house and failed to mention that to me when she asked for me to help set the party up. 3) I cannot believe my friends girlfriend told my wife why I wasn't going to attend, thus my wife telling me how crappy I am for doing that to him. 4) I need to pack additional boxes of my wifes clothing and put them on the porch tonight for what I believe will be the inevitable late night drive-by.

I have my second one-on-one therapy session tomorrow, and my lawyer appointment as well. Need to get the ball rolling. My "real" wife, the one I married has been abducted and replaced by stubborn, prideful, irresponsible, cold-hearted, alcoholic.

War of Words

Nothing really pressing on my front today.

Got a good night sleep for once. Maybe the Tylenol PM helped, but I'd like to think I always sleep much better when it's poruring rain outside at night. The pitter-patter on my roof and extra dark sky lend to a cozy and relaxing environment when I went to bed.

Even my puppy and sole resident of my house cuddled up and was snoring last night. :)

My wife texted me this morning.....regarding her last statement texted to me the day before. Seeing that it was a statement, and not a question, I didn't respond. I'm so over the texting. What would people do today without texting.....*gasp*....they'd have to talk to each other. So I just ignored today's as well. Let her sweat for a while as to why I went silent.

Instead, my SIL called me at about 10:30 this morning. I guess she and my wife (her sister) had an interesting text exchange. While my SIL maintains she held her composure with her texts, my wife's responses would make a sailor blush. Yeah...I saw them....SIL forwarded them to me. My wife is clearly boiling over with venom directed towards her family now....maybe only because I decided not to participate in repsonding to her she took it out or re-directed her bitternesess elsewhere.

I also know that my wife's best friend (who spent Easter with my inlaws) texted my wife as well regarding the day. I guess my wife was quizzing her friend on who was drinking at her parents house this weekend. I imagine to call them hypocrites. The friend replied to my wife that she needs to get her act together, that we all love her, and it's time to drop the games. My wife never responded back.

Anyway, the wife supposedly drives down tomorrow under the belief no one knows.....but we all do. I just imagine her showing up at 'MY" house tomorrow late at night, 1/2 in the bag from the party (which I am not going to) and demanding that we talk or something. I can hardly wait.. (actually I can...I want no part of this surprise discussion tomorrow).

Surprise....daughter is moving today and wife is headed for another party.

Three developments today:

1 - I meet with the lawyer this Friday (taking day off of work) and start moving ahead by getting paperwork started.

2 - I learned that my wife is driving down another 4 hours this Thursday (a work day for everyone) to be at yet another mutual friends b-day party at a local watering hole. Dammit....Now I have to miss this one too, and this pisses me off all over again.
A) Apparently my wife still has no job if she can drive down for another party Thursday and turn around Friday (?)
B) She also apparently has money for gas to drive 325+ miles one way, 325+ miles back, plus I'm sure she'll drink. Yet, I still haven't seen any money from her.

3 - And only because this news alerted me that my wife will be in town (5 miles away from 'my' house) on Thursday, I became concerned that she'd try and get into the house by convincing my daughter to let her in. So I called my daughter up, and SURPRISE, she is moving today and my in-laws are there at my house now packing her up. I had no idea. I was under the impression it may be Wed, but most likely Thursday. My inlaws are going to leave 'my' key for me in a secret spot tonight that I will recover when I get home.

I spoke to my inlaws on the phone. My MIL once again told me to divorce her daughter. I guess they exchanged text messages on Easter, and it wasn't pleasant.

I spoke to my FIL today for the first time in a few weeks. He told me he loved me, and was sorry, and I also apologized to him. Told him I never expected any of this to come to this, and he told me not to worry. I love them so much. I could not have asked for better inlaws, which makes this even more hard....but it has to be done.

Anonymous - You asked in your comment why my SIL is so gung-ho about divorce. The best answer I can give is that despite she may be a little pushy for my tastes, I am not, and maybe I need a swift kick in the arse to jump start things. My SIL is indeed concerened and loves her sister and me. So much so in fact I think she's pushing this because:

1. She knows her sister is self-destructive, in denial, and sick and is worried that these continued behaviors will not end well, either by my wife getting a DUI, hurting someone, or herself and doesn't want to see that happen.


2. She knows that I have been miserable and hurting for quite sometime and honestly tells me I deserve someone who appreciates me and what I have to offer because her sister clearly does not.


3. She's appalled that despite all of our collective efforts over the past couple of months, the intervention went poorly and her sister is thumbing her nose at everyone and seemingly getting away with her cake and eating it too while she has left a path of destruction in her wake.


4. She thinks that only by getting divorce papers will my wife realize that I'm no longer a pushover, safety net, weak-willed man that can be manipulated anylonger and this will send a strong signal that she 'screwed up'.

That is at least what I get in summation with my talks with her over the past few months. Yes, my SIL has been married 3 times, but this last one (going on 10 years now) has completely changed her. She's a much more family orientated person these days, found God herself, but still has that 'Alpha' personality. In my heart, I know she means well and is looking out for my best interests as well (she says her sister is a 'lost cause'), but she can be pretty dominant...a trait I am not used to or don't have in myself.

This mornings earlier "venting" on my behalf was out fo frustration that within 24 hours everyone was coming at me and I was just trying to get through the day minding my own business.

Take our advice...and like it.

Monday was a very stressful day for me, but not of my own volition. It seemed the stars were cosmically aligned between my own mother and my SIL. That's not to mention both my daughter and MIL also felt the need to text me yesterday.

As did my wife.

Seriously, between the five of them, I wanted to pull my hair out by 6pm.

Daughter and MIL wasn't so bad. Just checking in with me to see how I'm doing.

Wife texted me and wanted to know how my Easter went. I was truthful. I told her I was both sad and mad. Sad that this is the first time in 9 years we hadn't spent a holiday together. Sad that we are in this situation. Mad that she drove 4 hours to go to a party and neglected her family. Mad that she went to a party while ignoring my birthday. Mad that she said she would deposit money in the bank for her taxes last week, and so far hasn't. Told her I know now where I rank in her life. She said it was not true and asked if she could call me at lunch....I ignored her. I noticed from a friend of hers Facebook status that my unemployed wife was hanging out at an Irish Pub yesterday afternoon. Gee, I wonder what she was doing?

And no, she hasn't tried to contact me since.

SIL called me to tell me I need to get rolling on the divorce. She told me not to get a paralegal, told me what book to buy at Amazon (some do it yourself book), told me not to text her sister anymore (or call for that matter) until my wife decides to get her shit together and go into treatment. Basically, my SIL once again called me out on being "too soft" and allowing her sister to control me. I can't argue with what she says, but my SIL can be a little 'blunt', and that's putting it mildly. She made me promise to call my lawyer yesterday (I did) and inquire about the next step in getting this ship sailing.

What I didn't know (until later) was that my SIL then felt the need to call my parents and advise them to advise me to get my arse in gear. So of course, on my way hoem from work yesterday my mom called me and gave me a 15 minute lecture on what do next. Problem is, my mom (as much as I know she means well and has my best interests at heart) likes to hear herself talk. Meaning she will repeat the obvious 10 times in a row until you either want to hang-up, scream, or chuck the phone.

She told me to call the lawyer. I said I did. She then told me to call the lawyer. I just said I did. "Well you need to get a hold of him." "Mom, I left him a voice mail. It is now 5:30. Maybe he's gone for the day? You do realize you and dad just spoke to me, twice, less than 24 hours ago about this."

It's like they want everything done yesterday. I have to remind them....I WORK.... I am not retired. I am not a stay at home mom. It is Spring Break and I am not vactioning. I AM AT WORK. I can't do everything by myself just because YOU TWO snap your fingers. Again, that's not to mention my daughter, MIL, and wife also are contacting me.

My mom then told me what books to get via my SIL. Really? You mean to repeat to me the same 2 book my SIL just told me about 3 hours ago? So now I'm having this conversation again?

Christ almighty. I picked the wrong time to swear off drinking myself....And they wonder why I can't sleep? Oh, maybe because you two are relentless on my ass for a Monday right after a holiday in which I broke down? GIVE ME A BREAK. I know they mean well, but back-off already.

Oh, and I was informed that my wife is trying to get the new key copied from my daughter (I changed the locks). I had to tell my daughter (with my SIL and MIL also telling her) NO WAY.

Easter 2012

I had a rough weekend.

No bones about it. I really had an emotional weekend. It ranged from bitterness to anger to sadness to heartbroken.

Friday night afterwork I more or less came home and chatted with a few neighbors. Overall not too bad, expect the one nosey neighbor again started asking me questions about me and my wife. Jesus, what is up with you lady? I tried very hard to retain my composure, but finally just said:

"Look...she left me and her daughter. She has a problem. I don't know what she is up to, okay?"

That night I was very restless. I had a very hard time sleeping. I was up every other hour and finally got up just after 3am. Went to my men's group at 6:15 in teh morning, and it just so happens the theme for the day was 'resentment' and 'bitterness' and how to let it go because it's not healthy for us and just eats us up and most likely not the other person. Yeah, very true. I doubt my wife has any problems sleeping most of the time.

I didn't go to the party on Saturday night afterall. I was talked out of it by family and friends. I was also surprised my wife did not call or text me. I suppose is some masochistic way, I was hoping she would, but she didn't.

I became angry that night.

Why again did I have to stay home from a party with my friends and she could go? Why did she treat my birthday as if it didn't happen, but could drive 4 hours to attend a birthday party for a girlfriend of hers? How could she not call me or her daughter or her family? How could anyone be that selfish? How could anyone be that into themselves and their partying ways?

So Saturday I took my dog for a walk, hit the gym, cleaned house, pulled weeds, etc. I was by myself so I had a lot of time to think unfortunately. As the day wore on, my thoughts escalated and compounded, and by late afternoon as I knew the party was about to start and my wife was there and I wasn't, I just got angry. So much for the mornings teaching.

I woke up yesterday and went to church for Easter. It was a good service and ministered to me about problems we all face. It spoke to me, which made me emotional. Yup, yours truly began to shed a tear here and a tear there wondering how I continously find myself in this self-deprecating mood and feeling of utter loss. My family and friends are supportive, but at the same time, wonder why I am so hung up on this woman who has treated me and her family like crap for so long. Every single person, including her own friends, have said to me "How do you do it? Why do you do it?"

I don't know.

At 42 years of age, I'm not sure I understand failure at this level. And even though EVERYONE has told me I DID NOT fail, it doesn't really help me at the end of the day. I still feel like I missed something. Like I could have done more. If I would have only prayed harder. If I was a better husband. If I could provide more.

As I type this, I can't help but think everything I just listed above are all the classic co-dependancy issues described in the book I'm reading. Holy crap. I really am co-dependant and am having a hard time detaching.

This has been the first Easter in 9 years I have not spent with my in-laws, my extended family....my wife. When I got home from church yesterday both my SIL and MIL contacted me. I broke down yet again. I am so sad and angry that my wife is putting me and everyone else through this.

I went down to my parents house yesterday with my dog. My dad and I watched the Masters as my mom cooked an awesome Italian feast.

And finally at the dinner table, I broke down again. Over my manicotti, meatballs, polenta grassa, and salad....I broke down. My parents tried to comfort me and right then I got a text message from my wife "Happy Easter. Sorry you missed the party last night." Oh the irony of timing.

I finally left and was back to my house around 5pm....alone with my dog. My daughter comes back Monday afternoon, and then leaves again for good either Wed or Thursday.

My mom called at 6pm to see how I was doing. Crappy.

She then asked me if I was even remotely considering taking my wife back. I didn't have an answer right away. And then that's when my mom laid into me....in a loving way. She reminded me that my wife has had an ongoing issue for years, and again with her first husband. She reminded me of all the screwups with money, her daughter, her family and that my wife runs from everything. My mom said I will never be happy, that I am just setting myself up for more damage 2-3-4-5 years from now, and by that time we will have been married fro 10 years, and in this state, that means the spouse is entitled to 1/2 of everything.

My mom wants me to file for divorce next week. Awesome wrap-up to Easter wouldn't you say? She wants me to get away from my wife once and for all and says she will be no part of allowing her back into my parents life. She said my wife has caused too many people too much damage over the years and she can't deal with it anylonger. I can't say I disagree looking back over the years.

Oh, and the money my wife said she was going to deposit this past week for her share of the taxes....nope...haven't seen a dime yet.

Why do I torture myself? Everyday that passes where my wife does NOTHING to rectify her life or repair relationships with her family or me is just another sign she doesn't give a rip about anyone except herself.

Explative, explative, explative.

Tired

I've been getting up unnaturally early as of late.

It seems that somewhere between 4:45 and 5am have been the nomr for the past week or so, but this morning it was 4am. *Sigh*

I laid in bed, trying to get comfortable, attempting to *will* myself back to slumber, but that never works. Finally at 6am, I got up, fed my pup, and went back to bed. Next thing I knew it was 7:30. So it appears I fell back asleep for at lest 45 minutes.

When I finally did get up (for the second time), I just kicked my legs over the side of the bed and sat there for a second. I came to the realization that I am just tired. Physcially and mentally, and I'm not exactly sure which of those two wins out.

I've hit the gym a few times this past week, a little harder than usual, plus I had that hike last Sunday, and with a few people out sick at work, I can maybe understand the physical aspect.....my legs are sore, by feet ache, and my whole body feel stender. I think about getting a pedicure only if just to have someone massage my calves and feet. I also daydream of sitting in a heated pool, quiet, just letting my body float and have the tension drain out. I so wish I had a pool.

Then there is the mental aspect. I'm so tired of over-thinking things. From getting advice (wanted or not), and from nosey people. One of my neighbors is kind of a gossip, and yesterday as I was getting my mail, ran into me and started to quiz me on my wife and what was next. I probably could have handled it better, but I know she just wants to hear salacious details. I just said blunty.."My wife left. She's an alcoholic. And no, I don't know when she is coming back, or what's next." Kinda pissed me off, but I suppose everyone is curious, it's just that I really expected it from this particular neighbor, and she didn't disapoint.

Today is Good Friday. I will just go home today after work, make myself some dinner and stay in. My daughter is going to her grandmothers tomorrow through Monday. She asked me why I wasn't spending Easter with them this year. I told her that my family is actually doing something this year (the first time in 9 years) and I was asked to spend it with them.

My daughter has begun packing her room up. I think next Wed or Thursday will be her last day at our house before she goes and lives with my inlaws for the forseable future. And I'll be alone in that house deciding on when I inform my wife that her lack of effort is forcing my hand for divorce.

Funny thing is that a friend of hers sent me an email the other day saying she had just spoken to my wife. My wife does not want a divorce and claims to "love" me. That's the second time I heard that this past week. But then why isn't my wife saying this to me?

I ran the party scenario by various people. Everyone said I should not go, even though I responded I would weeks ago. No one thinks that anything positive can happen, and by me showing up may be a signal to my wife that I am 'okay' or took a step-back on my stance on her partying ways. Pisses me off, because I wanted to go to the party...these are my friends too and many were my friends before they were my wifes, but it just may be too awkward. It doesn't help that there will be alcohol there, and probably not a good idea for me to have a beer or two in front of her in lieu of what's going on. It also makes me mad that her friends are enabling her, as I'm sure they will be pouring drinks as well and aren't going to take any away from her.

My wife still thinks I am going. She said she wants me to go. If you asked me a few days ago, I was. Then yesterday I was 50/50. Today I am 85/15 I am not going.

I think back to my birthday a month ago.

The birthday in which my wife gave me no present, no card, no cake or ice cream, but a text message towards the end of the day that made me feel so worthless. And now, she's going to drive 4 hours to her girlfriends party, spend the night, and drive back 4 hours on Easter. I even feel more special now, despite the fact she claims to others she loves me.

She won't even see her daughter this weekend. I know she doesn't want to see her family, but she hasn't even tried to contact her daughter in a week now. Am I wrong in thinking that once again my wife is putting herself before everyone else? That her 'party' plans win out over her daughter, Easter with her family, and even me?

So far, I haven't seen any money in the account either. She was supposed to deposit money for her share of the taxes some time yesterday or today. So far nothing.

Haven't had a Xanax in over a week now, but I'm contemplating it today. I have a little stress building up in my chest that I can feel and makes me slightly uncomfortable.

Finding me resolve

It's been 6 days since my last post.

I just needed a break. It's not that there isn't anything to say, but I just needed to extend some of my personal detachment into my every day life as well.

Last Friday I attended my first 'Celebrate Recovery' meeting. It was pretty darn good, and there were some kind souls that said "Hello" to me. I had the feeling that many were hurt as well, and just looking for some kind of human contact and conversation in return. Just someone to acknowledge them as well and have their own conversations making sure they could still function as part of the human race without ending in depression, argument, or something else. I'll most likely go back, but unsure if I will go this Friday or not, seeing that it is good Friday.

I'm not going to go to Al-Anon tonight. I've been 4 times now...and well...meh.

I also went to my men's group on Saturday and church on Sunday. Both felt really good.

My dad came by last Friday as well and changed the locks on the house, and I changed the garage door codes. I haven't told my wife yet.

I don't know how much truth is in these statements or not, but supposedly I have heard through the grapevine that my wife has said she misses me, and has done some crying on her own about this situation. However, if she does indeed miss me....she hasn't really made any effort to contact or show me, unless it has to do with bills.

I "think" I had a personal breatkthrough last Saturday though. I'm unsure really...still just taking it one day at a time (and still off the Xanax for a week now), but I "may" have turned a corner.

My wife was infact in town last weekend and wanted to meet me for lunch so that she could sign the taxes and that I could give her the latest EAP mailing so she could file. I met her at a public place (I did not want her at the house) and we had a decent lunch. That being said we broached the subject of us and I stayed strong. I let her know she hurt me. I let her know she was evading her issues and she was pulling the same crap she did with her first husband. I told her she needs help, and if not for in-treatment, or out-patient rehab for alcoholism that at the very least she needs to see her own counsler for her issues. I tried to witness to her as well, asking her to ask God to help her, that her stubborness and vitriol are not getting her anywhere.

She was a little more agreeable to all this, this time around. She ended up crying at the table. I did not. I told her that this B.S. of coming home at 2:30am with no calls and being drunk is not acceptable at her age and with her daughter living with us. That drinking with an open container is not acceptable. That drinking a whole bottle every day is 'not' normal. I asked her if she thought it was, or at least name me someone we know that drinks a whole bottle every single day. She said she understood and has cut waaayyy back. But then again, who knows what that means. I old her that. How would I know what cutting back is? You left! Notice she didn't say she quit....she can't, or isn't ready yet. She still denies she has a drinking problem and says she drinks because of otehr issues. I pointed out that she needs to work on those issues then, that no one is forcing her to drink, and once again, it's everyone else's fault.....not hers. It's mine, her parents, her daughter, her ex, her friends, her work. I told her that is just sounds plain silly and she needs to listen to herself...as if the whole world collectively got up on day and decided randomly, in unison, that we were all going to screw her because we were so bored with our own lives.

Towards the end, she asked me to consider putting the house up for sale in a few months and follow her out there. That we could start over, with no family interference, and get a house twice as big for 1/2 the money.

Um....NO.

That isn't solving any of her issues, it's just relocating them to a new geographic under the guise of starting over. No, I'm not going to leave my work, my parents, my friends, my church for someone who can't even look at herself in the mirror and admit that she has issues. I think when I heard this new idea of hers, I laughed internally and really realized how out of touch she is with the world around her.

We left the lunch with a hug and said she'll see me next week.

See, we got invited to a friends b-day party (many of these people I consider her enablers by the way) and I was going to go, but when she told me she may now be going, I don't think I will. I can't go to a party where it will be awkward for the both of us in front of all these mutual friends plus I know there will be alcohol there. I can;t drink in front of her because that sends the wrong message, and I sure as heck don't want to be a part of any drama if she decides to drink.

Kinda makes me mad, because I RSVP'd a 5 weeks ago. She only RSVP'd a day or 2 ago, and now I may have to skip it to avoid any crap. Well, that's okay I suppose....none of these people have checked in on me to see how I am after I know they all know that my wife bailed. Plus it's Easter the next day, and this year (for the first time in 9 years), I'm going to spend it with 'my' family instead of hers.

Yesterday she texted me that she watched an episode of "King of Queens" and it reminded her of us. I didn't respond. I have no idea what episode, but I see what she is doing now....baiting me into talking about trivial things to smooth things over. Checking the temperature of the room. Nope, not falling for it.

Told my sister-in-law and mother-in-law about our conversation on Saturday. They think she is insane. Well, they said it, not me. They also don't think she is going to seek out a therapist either. Too close for me to make a call either way. If I were in Vegas, I wouldn't be a bet I'd like to take on way or another. So we'll see how serious she is, but I won't be surprised if she drops the ball on that. I'd actually be more surprised if she did.

She is supposed to send me more money this Friday for her bills. We will see. If not, that will be a great excuse for me not to go to the party, because I will be too mad to see her.

Now my daughter is leaving

Boy...do I deserve a break of some magnitude soon.

My 20 year old stepdaughter just informed me that she is going to move into her grandma & grandpa's house 30 miles away in about 3 weeks from now. That would be my inlaws.

I know the family has 'talked' about it, but I didn't realize how far the decision process had gone up until now.

My stepdaughter only works parts time, doesn't have a drivers license or a car and since her mom left, it's been up to me to pick her up from work at 9:45 at night...which isn't the ideal of conditions for me. She's also not the cleanest person in the world, so in a way I'm okay with this. It will help reduce bills, keep the house cleaner, and I won't be playing taxi service.

However, that doesn't mean I won't miss her or I want her to leave.

With every new event (like this) it becomes clearer and clearer what the inevitable outcome will be. I feel very sad for my daughter. Her mom pulled this stunt once before 12 years ago, and my stepdaughter has never had a stable family her whole teenage life. There are so many tendrils of ongoing and lingering damage because of my wife's selfish actions.

My mother-in-law said she wanted to lift some burdens off of me, and she keeps apologizing for her daughters behavior. They are taking on quite a bit themselves having raised two kids, and now having their granddaughter move in with them at age 20.

This whole thing just stinks no matter what angle I look at it from and for some reason I can't help but think I need to take some blame, but I'm not sure why.

My wife called me last night too. First time in 8 days we spoke on the phone. She actually said she "misses" me, but I'm not sure I believe her. I cried...she cried. She actually said we "take each other for granted". Well, I agree...but only one person is taking granted of the other.

My dad is going to come over and change the locks on my house tomorrow. It's okay. I checked with the lawyer. The title deed reflects my name on the house only. Also, she left of her own free will to another state. According to him, I have every right to change the locks legally, and have the paperwork in my hands to prove it. Not that I want to, but I do if it comes to that.

I didn't cry today. Nor did I have a Xanax. I think that's day 6 now with no Xanax. Still slept like crap. Maybe 4 hours if I was lucky.

Did I already say this whole thing stinks?

Went to another Al-Anon meeting last night. People say it makes you feel better after you attend....I'm still waiting for that feeling.

Tomorrow I'm thinking of going to another support group, just to see what that's like. Al-Anon just isn't doing it for me.

I have a feeling I'm going to be alone.

Thought for the day

Pity Party I or "I don't feel like a Christain today"

Today is day 8 since my wife left.

My step-daughter is supposedly returning tonight, which has left me alone for 5 very lonely days at home.

I met with my therapist yesterday for the 1st time. A guy. A Baptist who is also not afraid to talk about God/Christ which I suppose is a blessing for me.

I broke down. I walked in to his office with I thought was some resolve and a tinge of hostility that had been building the last few days within me, but with 10 minutes of talking to him, I could no longer hold back, and the eyes teared up again. I wonder if my wife cries?

As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive, and I have to the best of my ability. But I'll be honest in saying yesterday I hurt so bad, that I wished that she would feel bad as well. Even if it's a quarter of the pain I feel, I'm ashamed to say I wanted her to hurt as well. That is so wrong, but in some twisted way I just want her to feel like her heart got stomped on.

I sent her an email this morning, along with some copies of some of her bills that have come to the house. I've been asked by people to take care of myself, to try and detach, to pick up the pieces of my life and to move on until she makes a move. It's very, very hard and easier said than done.

I miss her so much....but I don't know why. It's been a less than stellar relationship for the past two years and I think I have tried everything I could have to save it. But that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving her, no matter how many times family and friends told me she treats me like crap. Am I glutton for punishment? Am I really that sick in co-dependency myself that I can't see a brighter tomorrow, or that there is grass on the other side of the fence, or light at the end of the tunnel?

I feel as if ten years of my existence are slowly fading to black and I ahev no control of the dial. No, I'm not going to burn her pictures up, or tear them up in some theatrical scene. I'm just not that type of person. I don't hate her, nor do I despise her. But I can't explain the amount of lingering pain I feel day in and day out right now either. Perhaps it's fear of the unknown and uncharted.

Anyway, I told her I was praying for her and for me yet again. I didn't even bring up alcohol. I just told her I started seeing a therapist and that I pray that God softens her resolve. I didn't ask her if she misses me, or wants a divorce, or when she thinks she may come back. I didn't ask if she's having a good time or what she's up to. I think I'm afraid to know the answer.

Imagine my surprise when I received an email response back stating she wants to talk to me tonight on the phone. She ended the letter by signing off "Love always.", but I can't help but think that's the kiss of death. In my mind I've already jumped to the conclusion she's going to try and let me down easy or tell me it's over. I have no proof of that, but I can't help but feel that it's coming. That's 3 hours from now....the next thee hours is going to be hell.

1 week gone

Actually tomorrow will be one week that my wife has left both my daughter and I. We haven't spoken via phone. but did exchange a few emails late last week....regarding bills due if you can believe that.

I had picked up our taxes, plus have received some of her invoices in the mail. The emails were short, and I had sent her copies of the bills that she is responsible for. I also told her that even though I paid for the accountant service fees, that she should pay 1/2 of the State taxes. It's then she said she had 'no checks', which I'm not sure if I believe or not. If so, she's screwed, because the debt consolidation company has begun calling for her for the CC's in her name. All I could do was give them her cell phone number, because I'm not paying for them anymore. Especially in lieu of the fact I have a feeling she's gonna stiff me on the taxes.

I recommended that she give the money to her girlfriend and the girlfriend could send me a check, or she can send me a money order. See, I'm not sure why I need to point the obvious stuff out. There are always readily available alternatives for sending me the money, but she plays dumb sometimes which is irriatating.

The meeting with the lawyer went well, although somewhat expensive. He assured me that the house will be mine, and since she 'left', I can actually change the locks on the house as soon as I get a copy of the Title Deed (I get that tomorrow) with my sole name on the house.

The only bad news was that I may have to pay some sore of alimony for 4 years, but he said that won't be much, maybe upwards of $7000 a year, possibly less, due to the fact she has turned down jobs, split, left me with the bills, etc. And the biggest issue I face right now is the retainer. If I choose to divorce in the next few weeks, his retainer is $6K. I still have property taxes and Federal income taxes to pay as well. This sucks, because I just paid off my car after 4 years, and now this is going to throw me right back to tightening my belt yet again. My parents offered to help, but that just feels wierd to me....asking your parents for money to get a divorce.

The good news is she has no money to really hire her own lawyer, so it shouldn't be dragged out or contentious. I have no idea what she is thinking. I have no idea if she wants to try and work things out or not.

Her last email to me said she did still love me, but to be honest, I'm not so sure. Why not call me then and speak in person? I really see no attempt on her behalf to try anything, so I'm not holding my breath.

The neighbors and friends (except the one) are seemingly realizing she left and are not treating me as much as a pariah (except the one) now. I think people know what's up, but don't want to broach the subject with me, or don't know what to say. Actually one invited me to dinner at their house on Friday night which was nice. We had pho, one of my favorites.

My daughter spent the night at her grandma's this weekend, so I was alone for the weekend. I ended up dusting, vacuuming, mopping, laundry, walking the dog, catching up on taped TV, grocery shopping, church, gym, and playing a video game. Sounds like a lot, but it was pouring rain yesterday so I stayed in and was able to get a lot done.

I didn't cry this weekend, or even this morning, though I admit I was a bit depressed and sad on Friday morning when I got up and the lawyers words started to really sink in to me. What a horrible feeling and I can tell you I hate even thinking about divorce, let alone actually doing it. That being said, with my daughter gone and the pouring rain, it's been awefully lonely at home.

I look around the living room and kitchen and there are doznes of pictures of us together dating all the way back from our wedding day. I don't know what to do with them yet. Maybe I need to take one down at a time every few days. Right now, I'm kinda ignoring it, but I know I have to deal with them and her sooner or later.

It's been 2 months now since I/we've been intimate. I still think of that night, and now the lack of those night for two months. That sucks too.

Tonight is our last family conference call with the interventionist. I'm kinda glad. They never really did anything for me except depress me and remind me how my BIL/SIL think of me. Since my wife left last week, neither of them have had much to say to me....which I'm fine with too. I was getting tired of them telling me I need to 'man-up' every other day when they weren't in the thick of it.

Tomorrow morning I have my first professional therapist one-on-one meeting as well. 9am. I'm taking the day off of work as I need to get a copy of my house Title as well. Then another Al-Anon meeting on Wed, and possibly a group 'Celebrate Recovery' this Friday. I'm sure my wife is doing none of these. She says she will be seeing a therapist 'out there', but I'm not so sure.

To some it all up: This week has been very lonely, but so many issues are up in the air that I have to take care of, they are keeping me busy. My wife claims to still 'love me', but I can't really see any evidience of that, especially with all the finanicial lurch she left me with to clean up as usual. Her family is cautiously giving me space, but I'm unsure if that is because they gave up as well once she decided to move outta state or something else.

This whole things sucks.

Lunch with my MIL

Everything is starting to seem 'finalized' by one degree or another, and a lot of it seems to be out of my control. I mean, I ultimately have the last word I suppose, but it seems as if my in-laws, my own parents, and a few others just "feel" it is inevitable that my wife and I are about to go our seperate ways.

My MIL was very tender with me yesterday, telling me numerous times I deserve to be happy, that she was sorry for the way her daughter is behaving, and that I need to stop beating myself up.

The last part is easier said than done, so I suppose it's a good thing that I am indeed going to meet with a therapist next Tuesday. This time it's a guy which will be a new experience for me, but it's really humbling to hear from multiple people now that they think I need a dedicated one-on-one therapist. I guess I'm not as good as hiding my emotions or mental state than I once was.

My MIL also shared that a girlfriend of my wifes called her and her husband (my FIL) last week to also offer up (unsolicted by me or anyone else that I am aware of) concerns that she and other girlfriends thought my wife was abusing alcohol and had been for some time. Even though my MIL appreciated the validation, she said she wished her friends would have ponied up sooner as she and my FIL didn't realize just how bad things were.

I suppose better late than never, but still, a little extra evidence earlier on would have really helped my FIL come to grips with the situation.

I'll admit, a few things my MIL said made me cry. It was a good thing we were at an outside table, and the furthest away from anyone else so I wouldn't be too embarassed. She again said I will always be her son-in-law, that she loves me, that she knows I am a good person and is sorry to see me so hurt. She also said my FIL and her are okay with me filing for divorce.

*sigh*

Even though they gave me 'permission' in a sense, it was hearing it out loud that it sunk in they think our marriage is a lost cause and want me to move on. That made me lose it. It was very hard to go back to work after that and concentrate.

I came home alone last night, no pizza with my daughter after all, she had to work until 9:45. I steamed a filet of fish in the microwave and sat on the couch, petting my dog.

I see the lawyer today at 3pm.

A new dawn.

I had absolutely no contact with my wife yesterday.

I went to work and tried to manage my day as effectively as I could, knowing I would be driving to my parents after work and picking up my pup. The irritating thing is traffic. It took me 45 minutes to get to my parents house yesterday from work and it's only about 20 miles with 15 of those miles on a 5 lane freeway.

Someday I will leave this state as well.

I got back to my house just prior to 7pm and my daughter came home shortly thereafter. She had a bad day too. I know she's hurting but dealing with it in her own way. She asked me if she could spend the night at a friends house, and I said yes, but her friend bailed on her...like her mother did only hours before.

I am going to take her out to pizza tonight. Just her and me. No Al-Anon today, but I promise I will resume next week, and I will go to my men's group this Saturday as well. If I'm lucky, my parents may still take me out for a belated birthday dinner to a BBQ joint I love.

My MIL texted me yesterday and asked me to lunch for today. I agreed. She said she wanted to see me in person, that a text was too impersonal. I asked her if this was about pointing out my failures and where I went wrong. She said, "No. Stop beating yourself up." But I'm scared. It's just a lunch, but she knows I am hurting. She signed off "I will always be your MIL". That made me cry. That's where I lost it for 10 minutes yesterday.

My daughter went to her room and I sat downstairs on the couch and watched TV with my dog until 9:30. Sitting in the dark, alone, the only light from my plasma flat-screen. She only took her clothes, toiletries, shoes, luggage, and her fan. Everything else was still there...even the dozen or so wedding pictures over the years....mocking me. I may have to put them away for the time being, but unsure how I am going to explain that to my daughter.

I'm tempted to share with you a wedding picture of us back from 2003. That way you can put faces to my wiritings. I don't know if I can though, I'm not sure I'm ready.

I didn't have a Xanax yesterday, nor a sleeping pill. I did fall asleep around 10pm, but woke up at least 3 times: 1am, 3:30am, 5am, and got up at 6:15. Fed my dog, had a cup of coffee, and took more of a visual inventory of the house. It needs dusting, and the kitchen floor a mopping. I put the dishes away (she ran the dishwasher before she left).

I sat once again on the couch this morning, letting the heater try to warm the house, alone with my thoughts. This morning I missed her. Despite all the crap, arguments, pain, alcohol, denial, etc....I miss her. I don't know why...I honestly don't.

Not one to carry grudges very long, I texted her the following this morning:

"I apologize for the way I left yesterday. I'm extremely hurt over all this and it pains me. I hope you have a good day. Love always - Me"

30 minutes later she replied:

"I appreciate the apology....I too am extremely hurt by this and this is not easy for me! I hope you have a good day as well....I did make it safely....love always back - Me"

I'm doing all I can right now, and failing miserably, to hold back my tears. As I type this sentence right now, tears are streaming down my face and wondering how I'm going to last today.

2 hours until I meet my Mother-in-Law.

Celebrate Recovery

In a never ending self-sadistic way of getting my life and my mind back together, I sent an email today to a leader of a local Celebrate Recovery program trying to get information on upcoming new classes or groups.

They list their meetings as 4 hours long on Friday nights. 4 hours! First hour is a group dinner, followed by two hours of classes groups, and finsihed up with an hour mixer with music and coffee. I only want to go to the middle two hours right now, so we'll see.

I've been recently reading another book, "Life's Healing Choices" by John Baker, and like the audio version of "Codependant No More", many of the stories within parallel many of my own plights and feelings.

I'm not sure if I will actually go or not. I feel I need a break for about two weeks or so. I'm already considering not going to Al-Anon tomorrow evening either. I need some time of further detachment and get away from all the people buzzing in my ears.