Alone with God

Sleep Delerium

2011-12-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

I'm super tired today.

You ever reach that point where you are so tired, you can't sleep, and your mind is quiet aware that your body is just going through the motions? That's how I feel right now.

Although I am on two cups of coffee and a crappy sausage breakfast sandwich from Jack in the Box...my head feels a combination of 'high' and 'numb'.

I went to bed last night at about 9pm, and struggled to keep my eyes open while watching TV until about 10. Shortly after that I feel asleep..say 10:15 or so? Next thing I know it's 1:45am and from then I am up until sometime around 5am where I drift off again, just to wake up for work at 6. So, if I'm lucky I've got just about 4 hours sleep.

What does that mean? It means I'm a bit irritable today...i.e. grouchy.

Spiritual Attack

2011-12-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

I'm human.

Plain and simple.

I have a lot of faults. Many of my own doing and design, others by circumstance, outside influence, or circumstances beyond my control. But God promises to always give one a way out. It's nice to know that in hindsight, and when thinking about the future, but most of us are ruled by the moment. When fall and stumble when we are at our weakest, and many times we don't even think about God....not at least until after the fact when we find ourselves in a pickle or begin to reap the consequences.

That's how I feel lately. I believe the Holy Spirit has been working on me for a long, long time, but I've been either ignoring it or fighting it, thinking I will have time in the future to make it all better and everything all right. Instead, I succumb to temptation and then become so self-convicting of myself it make me physically ill.

Today is day 10 (?) of my 20mg Lexapro cycle. I have a knot of stress behind my sternum that started Saturday night and ebbs and flows with the hours. I cried at church yesterday....I was (and still am) pretty emotional and filled with self-angst, indicating to me (or at least the way I am currently interpreting it) that the meds haven't kicked in yet. I don't feel balanced, and now I'm beginning to wonder if this time it isn't a brain/chemical thing, or a Spiritual warfare thing.

The last few weeks I've felt a calling from God, at least I think I am, and that's the last thing the Enemy wants....fro me to have joy and be in God's presence. So the Enemy is using his old tricks againts me in full force. He is telling me I am not worthy, I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve a solid marriage, I don't deserve to be forgiven for my thoughts and desires.

It's an uphill battle, and he knows my weakest point is my heart and my mind. I am my own worst enemy, full of self-conviction. I know that if I repent and declare with my heart my faults and sins, that God will forgive me. That is His promise to us. So why can't I forgive myself? If He is master of everything and can do anything, including forgiveness, why do I have a hard time as a lowly person doing the same? Am I better than God? Do I not believe He cannot forgive me? Absolutely not!!! But the world throws things at me....cold shoulders, snide comments, accusations of self-worth, anger and negative emotions directed towards me that cloud my vision. And once my vision is clouded, I internally wrestle with myself and my thoughts. I proclaim I am not worthy even though God says we all ARE!

But where does this self-loathing come from if I am one with God? The Enemy, while ultimately defeated, is still strong today and wishes to attack me....us...to get our eye of the Lord. It seems the more I pary and the more I delve into the Word, the more opposition is thrown my way. The trials and tribulations don't relent and it is taxing. I was so emotionally and physcially drained yesterday I slept for at least 8 hours, and could have slept more.

God, please hear my cries out to you. Pick me up. Heal me. Heal my wife. Heal our marriage.

Upheavel

2011-11-29T15:02:00.000-08:00

My life is currently upside down.

My marriage is once again under attack and has been for the past 11 days. It's not looking to good folks, and this time, it was me who screwed up.

Things had been going well for a bit now, and I stuck my foot in my mouth, made a mistake (one too many based on my past) and I can understand why my wife may have issues with trust with me.

I'm in the dog-house big time, and I don't think there's been a day gone by in the last 11 days where I haven't been crying or submitting to the Lord. I know He has forgiven me, as has my family (I have discussed this with them already...and it was humbling and embarassing to say the least).

That being said, my wife is keeping me at arms distance until after the Holidays. Although she is cordial towards me one minute, it can turn somewhat hostile the next in which I just need to sit and listen. That's tough.....to listen to the same accusations day in and day out. I know I screwed up...but to be reminded numerous times a day in spirit crushing.

My sleep and eating cycles have been disrupted, and even in the same room, I feel 100 miles away from her and it kills me.

I'm now on day 5 or 6 of a new Lexapro cycle to help me cope as well as some mild anxiety medication. The sleeping pills I take at night don't seem to help much.

Lord give me strength, and peace of mind, and rest my soul. Through you, even the most hardened hearts can soften. I am human, and I am not perfect. I will occassionally stumble, and thus try harder the next time. Why do these silly temptations get in my way time and time again?

I also need to learn to forgive myself.

Eyesight is going on me

2011-11-08T16:50:00.000-08:00

The last few days, I have forgotten my eye-glasses at home.

And now that I don't have them with me, they are more missed than ever.

When did my reading ability get so hazy? It's as if when I turned 40 years old, God flipped yet another switch within my body and has allowed for my once 20/15 eyes to get very tired and fuzzy. The cruelty of it all is that: A) I love to read, and B) I started building models about a year or so back and my eyes are needed more than ever.

I'm really noticing my issues today as I got a new textbook to begin studying for an exam I wish to take in a few months on convergence technologies. I cracked the book open today, and noted that my eyes are both very fatigued in feeling, and appropriate reading distance from my face....everything is becoming increasingly blurry.

It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. At this rate, it'll be sooner rather than later, that I will need to wear reading glasses full time, or opt for surgery. Just a Godly reminder that our bodies...our earthly temples...are not perfect, but finite, and as in all things in the circle of life...they too have begun to show their age and break down slowly with each passing day.

That's the irony of it all...a sick joke the universe plays out. Musicians who lose their hearing, Master Chefs that lose their sense of smell, engineers who lose their dexterity, and those of us who read and observe the world through our eyes....begin to lose our sight.

8 year anniversary

2011-10-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today is my 8 year wedding anniversary.

My wife is home asleep as she still is not having any luck finding a job, and I am having my coffee at my desk this morning loathing, yet thankful, for the job I do have. The stress of the last few months hasn't been as bad as I initially anticipated, but I'm not jumping up and down in glee either.

God has been good these last few weeks. I've been having a real internal struggle and self-conviction in regards to my thoughts, desires, lusts, and general frame of mind. I've been praying more often and breaking out the bible a bit more trying to find some comfort and peace in all this. Not just my home and financial life, but all the wacky things going on in the world as well.

One minute I do indeed find comfort, then next, I'm a bit nervous.

I have to keep reminding myself that salvation is done through grace, not by works, as I continously catch myself wondering if I could have done something better, or was I good enough today. How many times did I sin, and how many times did I recognize that and repent? And did I really mean my repentenance? I hope that I do.

Anyway, 8 years. Not all of them have been great. I'm sure my wife would say the same, as would any real couple that is honest with themselves.

I think back to "what if's", such as "What if I didn't get married?", "What if I chose to get a divorce?", "What if I married someone else?", "What if I did check out?" There have been a lot of tears, cries for justice, stretches of extreme loneliness, despair, anger, and sadness.

And God has gotten me through all that...thus far.

No, my life is far from perfect. I don't have the life I wanted. I don't have the child I dreamed of. I don't have the best job. I haven't been able to take my hobbies to the next level. I pray that my wife would be more of a companion.....but this is the 'lot' the Lord has planned out for me.

It could be worse.

I could be living in Libya, or Iraq, or Mexico I suppose. I could have a disease or some other ailement. Or worse,.... maybe I wouldn't know the Lord.

The point is...and it's a stretch (even for me)...that I have to recall that old cliche...."the grass isn't always greener on the other side". I need to be thankful for what I do have. And even though my marriage and my day to day life may seem dull, tired, going through the motions....I do love my wife...even if she has a different type of love for me I don't quite grasp.

Things between us have been better that last few weeks. And there is a lot of potential in her, and in us, and I continue to pray that God softens her heart and draws her closer to Him. I think when she is ready to submit to Him, and accept Him....perhaps our marriage will be what He initially intended.

Steve Jobs

2011-10-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days now since the infamous Steve Jobs passed away, and I'll be honest, I don't give too much indepth thought to when certain celebrity personalities die, but somehow his death has had me in some deep thinking.

I'm always bummed out to a certain degree when a personality I tend to like or follow passes, but I don't dwell on it. If it was an artist or an actor/actress, I may go back and break out and watch an old movie or go through my record collection to hear some fondly remembered tunes. I may even read their wikipedia page to glean some interesting tid bit of information to satisfy my curiosity to one degree or another.

But Steve Jobs is different to me.

I don't own any Apple products at all. No iPhone, iPad, iPod, Mac or anything else. It's not that I have anything against Apple (other than the fact they are overpriced pieces of hardware). As a matter of fact, I think Apple (and Steve Jobs vision for that matter) made a huge impact on the world this past decade as far as technology goes. Let's face it...the hardware (overpriced as it is) is solid stuff. Idiot proof. Simplistic, yet functional design.

I will agree with some of the newspapers and media outlets that he was indeed a modern day Edison. An inventor with a drive and a vision. Yes, I'll agree that a world without his inventions would be a radically different place, and I'll miss anything future he may have had brewing in his brilliant mind.

But that's where it stops.

I'm actually really shocked and dumbstruck on how many people (at least in the states thus far) are mourning him like a god. Within minutes of his passing, many peopel I know on Facebook changed their profile pictures in rememberence of him. Twitter was aflood with "RIP" messages. Tributes began springing up almost instantaneously. People proclaimed we have lost an incredible mind, and incredible person, and they were downright distraught. In all seriousness, his death has garnered a legion of ordinary people thinking he was akin to being the messiah.

The fact I'm taking issue with, is just that: He isn't a god. He isn't a messiah. As a matter of fact, by all accounts I've read....he was an athiest, and somewhat vocal about it. Now, I have no clue where his mind or heart was at in the final moments. I'm not sure of us will truly know, but if I were a gambling man...I would wager he passed still as an athiest.

I'll even go further in saying that of all the condolences I've read or heard thus far on various media websites or outlets, I have yet to hear one person say "We know you are with God." -or- "Our prayers go to your family." -or- "God Bless."

Seriously, I have not heard one mention of God, prayer, Christ, heaven which strikes me very oddly.

That bums me out.

I'm not going to quote bible verses today, but you can probably guess where I think Steve may have ended up. And I'm not happy about that. I take no delight in anyone losing their soul to spend enternity absent of God's presence. Especially a mind as brilliant as his.

I even included the cartoon above which pokes fun of the pearly gates, as if Steve Jobs has more organizational skill than Peter or heaven itself. I found that very odd as well, because that cartoon popped up on the Internet within hours of the news of his passing. Maybe I'm being over-sensative on the matter.. What's done is done and no prayer today can change the mind or heart of the departed after the fact.

Catching up

2011-10-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

Whoa, It's already been a month yet again since my last post. Boy, does time fly or what?

I had to read my last post to remember where I was some 40 days ago and it's weird to read that because it felt as if it triggered those emotions all over again. Does that make sense? As I read my last post, it was like time transported me back and I was living in that exact moment...kinda liek the movie "Groundhog's Day".

So, let's catch up....

Wife is still not working. It's somewhere between 5 and 6 months now and still no bites. I'm not exactly sure how many jobs or what types she is applying for, but nothing as of yet. I still have a grave suspicion she could be trying harder, or lower her expectations a tad, but pride is a silent but strong monster in her psyche. The few jobs that are 'available' to her, are 'beneath' her as she says....well, I don't know what to say at this point. She has made no effort to go back to school or learn a new trade....and I'm waiting for a new textbook to come in for myself because I will be taking another certificate course within the next few weeks as it applies to my trade and craft.

We still don't have health insurance, but at least my step-daughter has supposedly taken it upon herself with my wife's encouragement to get her own through her part time job. Yes, my daughter actually did get her old job back, albeit later than we all expected her too, and she still isn't working more than 25(?) hours a week? She did check out the community college in the area and even took an assesment test a few weeks back, but we still haven't heard any plans on her behalf. Perhaps she is waiting for next semester? I'll have to ask. She still isn't paying us any rent. I'll have to ask my wife why not and when we can expect it as well.

So my job? Well, truth be told....I took a personal day yesterday. I just needed it. It poured at my house all day, so I sat down and watched TV, played my Xbox, hit the gym, and was in bed by 10pm....and I slept in until 7am today. Felt good to get away from the office. I'm just really burnt out here now too after 4 years....not of my job....but of the insane politics and the inability of my managers to make a decision on anything that costs more than $5. Oh, I totally get that we are in an extended recession,....and it's tough to find a job,.....but my company also removed paper towels and hand sanitizers from the restrooms to cut costs, and now I hear they may be getting rid of the already shitty freeze-dried coffee to boot. Yes, I come to a place that is already demoralizing every day...plug through it 8 hours day...to come home to the same ole, same ole.

Rinse and repeat.

In other news, I began to volunteer for the Billy Graham crusade through my church. I've been praying on the sidelines for months now, if not longer.....I feel as if God wants to use me somewhere...perhaps as a lesson to my own beliefs, behaviors, and mental state. My sinful side has been making excuses as to why I shouldn't volunteer, but the urge has been strong lately. God is still working within me, allowing me to be self-convictive of myself. I know that salvation is not based on "works" but on faith and mercy from Christ, but I still have a feeling I need to be doing more to share His word and lead others...quite possibly even through my own pain and backstory.

I had to fill out a small questionnaire on their behalf stating as to how I know I am a Christian today, and what are my main beliefs (I imagine to make sure they coincide with that of the inspired word). I couldn't help but think back a few years ago to a point where self-termination was a recurring thought. I wonder, and hope I will be brave enough some day to share with my parents that I wanted to leave this mortal plane...and not by anything they did or didn't do. I don't blame them for my depression...meaning I don't think they were the cause. Although, looking back, perhaps they could have noticed a little earlier or intervened more at some point, but I'm not sure when. Yes, my mom is a control freak. I know she loves me 110%...but it's also very stifling and didn't allow me to grow socially the way I should have.

In some cases, one could say I deserve an Oscar, for my ability to "pretend" I was a functional member of society and that I could put on a good "game face" in social settings. Little did anyone know I could barely hold it together....that alcohol, Lexapro, anti-anxiety pills were in my arsenal of holding it together or pretending I was someone/somewhere else most of the time. How many times did I weep in my car? In the shower? On walks with my dog? How many times did I ask God....nay, beg....God to take me home? Man...depression sucks.

But let's not end this entry on a low note. I do feel better today....not perfect...not happy go-luck,....but better. And if I could lead at least one person to the Lord, or plant the seed, based on my own life and my own trials...I would find that very satisfying and fulfilling towards the Father.

Continuing Challenges

2011-08-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

Damn it!

When will it end?

I'm a bit numb today. Probably an internal defense mechanism kicking, because deep down inside, my mind is probably telling my body "What's the point in crying?" Currently I am not taking any medication, but my mental state really does seem to mimic (at least today), the fact that I cannot seem to form any emotion....maybe mild agitation.

As usual, it seems like God has dumped me in the middle of everyone else's problems just to see how I am going to react or handle it. I can't say I'm at peace, or on the other side of the spectrum, mad. I'm just going through the motions of my stagnant life (& job for that matter) looking forward these day to just going home and going to bed. I wouldn't classify that as depression (at least not yet anyway)....it's just my daily routine because I don't have the means, money, or energy for anything else.

My wife is still not working. she's taken a few odd jobs with friends and neighbors paying a little cash under the table, but as far as a real job, with a real paycheck, and real benefits....nothing. She hasn't even gotten a bite in the past three months.

And because of a paperwork screwup from her formal company, we were dropped from healthcare coverage and my current company will not let me enroll until December. So right now, we are uninsured...so we can't get sick.

Oh, and my step-daughter moved back in. Her grand experiment in a different state didn't work out. And before she was to move back with us, my wife had made it clear that she was supposed to make sure at least my step-daughters job transfered back, and she assured us it was. Well, surprise, surprise....as goes everything apparently it wasn't and I just found out yesterday. I can't help but think that she already knew this ahead of time and just told my wife what she wanted to hear and then 'feigned' shock and ignorance when she moved back in.

So yes, I now have a 41 year old wife, and a 19 year old step daughter, both with only High School educations....unemployed...and living at my house....with no health insurance....and you wonder how I'm feeling?

Just f'n great.

RIP Dan Peek

2011-07-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

I just read that Dan Peek, one of the founding members of a band called "America" passed away last Sunday. He was 60 years old.

America is one of my favorite bands, and thier greatest hits album is one of my top 10 treasured albums I own. I don't usually care for classic 70's rock, but this album just resonates with me. I'm bummed I never got to see him live myself. I had an opportunity some years back, but just went. So bummed now.

What I didn't know was that Dan was a Christian, and a vocal one in his years after he left the band.

This is a 6 minute video on his testimony. Living the Rock n Roll lifestyle, turning away from God, and then coming back like the prodigal son years later.

The Tables Turned

2011-07-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

So I had an interesting flip today that I wasn't expecting....

The last few days I had a niggling in my head to call a family friend whose husband passed about two months ago. The last time I saw/spoke to the widow was during the funeral and I am aware that time has passed and I wanted to check on her. I had been meaning to do it for a few weeks now myslef, but as things generally happen, my thoughts get distracted and before I know it it's either too late, I'm not near a phone, or I forget.

But the thought really got in my head these past few days so I was determined to call her up today, and I did. Before I knew it, she was praying for me!!

That's right....I went to call her up to see how she was doing, to check in, to say "Hi.", (which she was indeed grateful for) and the next thing I knew, she had me closing my eyes on the phone holding back some tears as she asked the Lord to lift me and my wife up, to give me a wonderful day, to give me peace and joy.

Wow....I am so touched and thankful for these people in my life who stuck with me through my darkest times, when I didn't care if I woke up or not.

In other news my wife has an interview today. It's not a dream position for her, and I think she realizes that our state is pretty uch behind everyone else. She's getting bored at home (I know that feeling) and the stress is starting to sink in. I thinks she's also coming to terms that without a degree, or even an AA from a local community college, that her income is going to be lower as well.

That being said, we've been getting along pretty well as of late...although I still wish (and pray) she's cut back on the drinking and smoking. I don't have a problem with a glass of wine, but a bottle a day troubles me, and it's a continuing prayer I still pray...to ask for God to speak to her heart.

Speaking of God...I've once again found myself both craving His attention and yet rejecting Him at the same time. I take note of the seperation (duly all my fault) I have incurred by not taking the Word seriously these last two weeks. I've been focusing on wordly fun, whether it be telling a few crass jokes, swearing a bit more that usual, feeling impatient with people.....well, I've been taking note of this in the mirror.

Last night as I lay in bed, I prayed that I once again 'get right' and pray that the certain temptations don't cloud my mind. I awoke this morning again and prayed...and felt 'decent'. Not great, but not bad either.....and then my family friend really laid down the Spirit on me over the phone and I feel good and recognize God does indeed love all of us, even through the haze and fog we create of our own doings or 'mis-doings' if you will.

Tonight, I am taking my mother and mother-in-law to a concert. We are seeing Ottmar Liebert, a flamenco guitarist....I love Spanish music. This is a treat and a late Mother's Day gift to my mom....the only person who really gets me.

Post Father's Day - 2011

2011-06-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

Well, my Father's Day was decent on most account, albeit it pretty long.

I had gotten up early in the morning to smoke a beef brisket for my Father, Father-In-Law, and Brother-In=Law. It was about a 7 hour process which also included us cleaning the house as best as we could and making other dishes as well.

My father isn't so much on presents or wrapping paper or cards, but I still feel obligated (in a good and respectful way) to acknowledge him. Besides cooking all day, I also printed some pictures out for him of the two of us together, and him and my dog (his grand'pup' as he puts it) and some visors for his daily walks.

I think everyone enjoyed the afternoon/evening together, and 9:30 pm I was pretty tuckered out. My wife's generosity was very nice on Sunday. She gave me a card, from our dog of course, and after my shower, gave me a massage.....something that hasn't happened in years...and it was longer than the 5 minutes I thought I was going to get. Lasted more like 15. She's not the best massuese in the world, but that doesn't really matter....the fact that she attempted and did so for at least 15 minutes and helped cook and clean was very nice.

The only dissapointing facet of the day was the no call from my step-daughter. Nope...no call, no text, no email, no card...nada. Well, I kinda expected that to begin with, but I suppose even knowing that ahead of time and setting my expectations to zero...still 'stings' a bit.

It's a good thing I put in for Monday off, as I really needed to sleep in. My wife and I spent the day together cleaning up the house...I even steam-cleaned the carpet downstairs. Took myself to see Green Lantern...(I liked it BTW)...rebuilt my grandafathers PC, and was in bed again at 10pm last night, but that was mostly due to my medication kicking my butt.

Now I'm back to work, and we're a bit short handed today, but it' super slow. 3.5 more days until the weekend.

Christmas in June

2011-06-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

It happened so quickly, I had to do a double take in my head and play it back quickly to make sure I heard right.

Friday night after work I went to the gym and had a nice work out. I was feeling pretty strong as I finally had a nice outlet for my pent up anger the last few days.

When I got home, my neighbor called me over to take a look at his RV rental for the weekend which was pretty nice. My wife happened to be there as well and during a excited conversation taking place between some of my neighbors, my wife quickly turned to me when no one else was paying attention and said: "I'm sorry for the other night and picking a fight." and quickly turned back to the crowd.

Wow.

I sat there stunned, but I just nodded and said "Thank you." Yeah, I could've made a big deal out of it, talked about it more, tell her how it made me feel the last two days, etc., etc., but in the end, I figured it was much more humble to just accept it and move on.

I spent the rest of the weekend working diligently on a train model, playing my X-box, watching movies via Netflix, and doing some chores. The wife wasn't feeling well on Sunday, she spent most of the day on the couch, or in bed, but overall it was a nice and low-key weekend. Didn't want to get up this morning, work is extremely slow today....making me wish I wasn't here, but my wife still has no leads and so we have to watch our wallets. I had a $2.50 frozen lunch and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and counting the hours before I go home.

....And 36 hours later....

2011-06-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

....things are back to normal?

Yes, this morning when I awoke (about 30 minutes before my wife), I went ahead with my regular routine: coffee, clean-up, dress for work. And my wife begins talking to me like NOTHING HAPPENED Wed. night.

Huh?

Okay, so there's a white elephant in the room...at least there was yesterday. I walked away from a argument...one I didn't start or wanted to be a part of, and still scratching my head why it even happened to begin with. I was angry. I was upset. I walked away in the heat of her tirade lest I do/say something bad.

I stewed most of the day yesterday. We didn't speak at all. I left my house without a word and went about my day trying to put it out of my mind, but it's harder than you think, especially when you believe you're the victim of an unwarranted attack.

I knew yesterday she was going to go out with some of her friends in the evening for a 'GNO' as she calls it....girls night out. Yeah, I understand those....everyone needs to be around their own sex one in a while. I sometimes go out with my guy neighbors....but I usually reserve it for the weekends, or when we have extra money and I can buy a few beers. Anway, I decided to take myself out last night for a few hours as well. After I got home from work, I walked my dog briefly and then went to go see 'X-Men: First Class' in town (pretty darn good by the way...actually better than 'X-Men: Last Stand' from a few years ago).

By the end of the movie, a good portion of my anger had finally subsided, but was still there. I got home at 9:30pm....wife was still out. I ended up skipping dinner and despite the temptation to have an adult beverage, I also passed on that as well. Figuring I needed a good night sleep, I took an OTC sleeping aid and settled into bed at 10pm, dog nestled by my side.

Unsure when my wife actually came home, but somewhere around midnight I was briefly awakened by her getting into bed. My viens were like ice for a second, waiting for her to acknowledge me or try to wake me up to talk, but she didn't, and I was glad for that. I fell back asleep shortly thereafter.

When I first got up this morning, my anger and disapointment was still there, but only a fraction of what it was. In all honesty, I really didn't want to talk to her at all again.....I contemplated just walking back out the door like I did yesterday. But I was reading the bible yesterday about 'anger'....and all the regular verses of forgiviness, slow to anger, don't let the sun go down on your wrath,....blah, blah, blah. I was reading it, but it wasn't sinking in....or I wasn't allowing it to sink in.

Anyway, I figured I should at least say "Good-bye" and kiss her on the forehead, and with any luck, she'd leave me alone and I can escape. It's too early for round 2 and I don't want to start my day off with that. So I leaned over, and kissed her and said good-by and walked downstairs.

A minute or so later, my wife arose and came down as well....and started talking to me like Wed. never happened. I didn't stay long, I really was on my way out the door, but these actions or complete emotional reversals, or situational denials, or whatever you want to call them always throw me for a loop. It's her typical M.O.: pretend nothing happened, offer no apology, don't talk about it, just wipe out the last 36 hours with a magic wand and magically Wed. afternoon blends into Friday morning, Drives me insane.

I was super hungry this morning since I skipped dinner last night, so I took myself to a bagel shop this morning. I weighed in at 217lbs this morning a few pounds up from a month ago, but down a few lbs from earlier in the week. I had a cheddar-pesto bagel with sun-dried tomato spread, fresh cucumbers and fresh tomatos and a cup of coffee. It was was delicious.

"You owe me!"

2011-06-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

That thought came into my head today at lunch and I instantly knew it was wrong.

It was birthed by my festering foul mood that is ongoing, even now, as I write this. Here's to hoping that my blog today will let me express my anger (whether justified...or not) and prove to be the therapuetic tool I often pretend it to be.

Thinsg have been going well for all intents and purposes between my wife and I as of late...that it the last few weeks anyway. She even took me to a very nice lunch yesterday and we had been spending more time with each other as of late which is something I have often longed for.

Last night I was watching television at around 10pm and out of nowhere my wife asks me: "Have I been a bitch this last week?"

Uh, oh. This cannot be a good sign under any circumstances and the timing of the question seems odd to me.

I sat silent for a what seemed liked two-three minutes (actually more like only 15 seconds actually transpired but my silence was an awkward pause of really trying to examine her question) and a few thoughts raced in my head all at once: 1) Why is she asking this? 2) ::I replayed the events of the past 2 weeks in my head, seriously searching for a 'questionable' moment::, 3) What is she really asking and why? 4) How do I answer?

I couldn't really think of a bad moment, and cautiously answered "No.", waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who asks this at 10pm on a Wed. night if they don't have something on their mind?

I won't go into the blow by blow accounts, but before I knew it I heard myself saying "Really? You want to pick a fight at 10:20pm....out of nowhere....when I am just minding my own business watching TV?"

She said this wasn't a fight....but I know better than that by now. No matter what I say, or don't say...I am not going to escape this. Sure as shit...she was on a mission....she had a burr up her behind about something (I still don't know what)...and before I knew it I'm on the defensive in regards to things that: A) Were never said, B) Never transpired, C) And other "facts" were created out of thin-air.

I felt completely blind-sided, ambushed, and 'talked-down' to for the better half of 30 minutes. By this time, I am getting heated myself. I start to swear, I start to raise my voice, I de-evolved myself to a pointing-finger high school brat (something I am quite aware of....and certainly not proud of).

Once again, trying to regain my composure and put an end to "who knows what", I pointed out she started this...not me...I was just watching TV and getting ready for bed.

The icing of the cake was the moment she said to me: "You put me down."

WHAT?????

Since my wife has lost her job about 5 weeks back (she still isn't working), I have completely stayed out of her way....VERY SENSITIVE to the fact she's feeling vulnerable and scared. I feel I have been very supportive in her downtime. I have often thanked her for cleaning the house, cooking meals, walking the dog more oftenm taking me to lunch. Never once have I demanded to see her resume, asked who, when and how many resumes she sent out or how the job search is going. I haven't asked her to clean, to cook (maybe walk the dog so I didn't have to when I came home), and I AM PUTTING HER DOWN?

I ask "How?" "How am I putting you down?" "What have I said or done?" At this point I have reached my limit. I am pissed. I am angry. I am livid we are at each others throat at 10:45pm...and I still can't even tell you how this spun out of control. I finally said I was "Done" And "I'm going to bed".

"No your not.", she said. "I am talking to you and you are going to listen."

"No, You have talked for 45 minutes and I have listened. It's late, I don't want to fight, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or why I am on the defensive."

I know myself....well enough....that I have to walk away right now, despite her needling, lest I REALLY say or DO something we (more so me) will regret. She yelled after me..."F"-it...I just walked upstairs and went to bed....angry at about 11:15.

She finally came up at around midnight and went to bed as well, but nothing was said to me.

I woke up at 3am....still angry....and asked Jesus to lift my anger so I could get back to sleep. I prayed a simple prayer and was back to sleep in minutes....only to get up at 6:30 am still angry.

I got ready for work by myself and left without saying "Goodbye". Yes, I should be the bigger person. I should say "Good-bye" and tell her I "love" her because you never know if today is going to be your last day....But I didn't and I'm still mad.

I'm also mad she hasn't attempted to contact me yet so far today to either: a) apologize, b) see how I am doing. No "sorry" isn't in her vocabulary.

So anyway, what up with "You owe me"?

I was sitting at lunch, thinking about...trying to piece together....what in the hell happened last night. After a few weeks of getting along just fine, better than fine mind you...seeing a glimmer of my old wife, she wants to start a self-made tussle.

I was angry at God. "You owe me." came from the thought that for all the 'crap' I put up with, I figure God better have something good for me in the end. I need a pass into heaven, a sure thing to peace and joy and happiness...damn everyone else. So un-christian and oh-so-human.

No...Damn me. Damn me for getting sucked into an immature, finger pointing argument. Damn me for going to bed angry and letting this anger consume me today. Damn me for 'demanding' God owes me anything at all.

Sigh.

Anger is such a consuming emotion and serves no purpose other than taking our eyes of the big picture.

Tired - a side effect

2011-05-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

Even though today I forgot to take my pill, the previous 6 days I've been good and on track. Perhaps its the gloomy and rainy weather today, but I am tired.

I actually took a little power nap in my car at lunch today since I mostly eat at my desk these days to help save money. But I'm having a hard time shaking the cobwebs outta my head right now, and I know I could easily fall back asleep if I had the chance.

I'm pretty sure that's one of the side effects of my pills. It doesn't matter if I have my obligatory 3-4 cups of coffee in the morning, a very light lunch (today was cup of noodles), or some tea in the afternoon. I just get plumb tuckered out. Also doesn't help that work has been slow thus far the last two days and I'm passing the time by studying slef-paced Microsoft Power Point lessons.

My wife has her first interview today. First one in over 12 years and I know she's a bit scared. She also let me know she applied for another job yesterday.

Overall our relationship this past week has been pretty good. She's actually been quite nice to me, although an incident late Friday had me a bit befuddled (though I blame the copious amount of adult beverages she had). Yesterday I came home to a cleaned kitchen and master bath, and she's been quite personable to me. I wish we had more of this and less of the other.

Church was nice on Sunday. I really needed it just to lift my spirits in general.

Speaking of God, I read a story that some guy in New York just spent all of his life savings (over $100k?) to take out ads all over the city at bus stops and billboards stating the end of the world was coming this Saturday....May 21st. I know he's not the only one who thinks this, but I suppose we'll all see one way or another. What happens 'if' we wake up on the 22nd. How does he cope knowing his faith has been shattered and he's now broke?

Personally I try not to think of this stuff because the topic does scare me although I'd like to think I'm going to be the Lord....but He says only He knows the hour and day on which the end takes place....not us. Besides, there's a ton of movies I'd like to see first, a few more books I'd like to read, and a few more BBQ's to host.

Hump Day

2011-05-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

Today is day two that I remembered to take my pill.

Last night after work I went to the gym, rode the bike for approx 20 minutes, and then bombed my biceps for a bit. Once I came home I BBQ'd some marinated chicken breasts, blacks beans, and cilantro/lime rice. Overall very healthy, and my wife was appreciative. We caught up on some recorded television, and for the most part I hung low.

This morning before I left for work, feeling somewhat re-energized I asked my wife to do the following: 1) Call back a person who called 2 days ago about setting up an interview....even if she doesn't want the job, it'll be good practice to interview with someone and get pointers after not being in that position for over 11 years. 2) Call her old company up and figure out where her check is. She was supposed to get a check last Friday, and as of yesterday (Tuesday), my wife still hadn't received anything which makes me nervous. So she has to figure out what happened. 3) And I asked her to listen or attempt to listen to at least 1 CD from a Christain series I got some time back on the topic of 'Marriage' from "Growing Through Grace". She said she would.

It's a 6 CD- series, and I admit, I myself have only listened to the first 2, but I said if she listened to them, I would as well. The two that I did listen to for myself were very helpful...although that was a few months back, and I may need to re-listen to help me remember all the exact content.

I did opt to take Friday off, and it was approved. My plan is to see Thor early in the afternoon, even if it is by myself. I may call my dad to see if he wants to meet me for breakfast. That should be nice.

I pray that my work goes by fast today, or at least I keep busy enough where it does go by fast. Periods of dullness lead to unhealthy thoughts.

Speaking of praying, I prayed quite a bit this morning. Mostly for me and my wife, but also other people I know are having thier own issues...I know I'm not the only person.

Whining

2011-05-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

After I posted yesterday, I had a lot of time to reflect for the remainder of the day, and I can't help but feel I came across a little whiny. However, that was how I was feeling at the time so I am unsure if apologies are in order or not.

Yesterday afternoon and early evening proved to be yet another internal battle I often have with myself: trying to be brave, asserting my confidence, growing a backbone on one side, but at the same time feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt, vulnerable, and once again....fantasizing I was someone else and somewhere else.

As I stated it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not because I don't love my wife, but knowing what my SIL revealed to me in a phone conversation on how my wife supposedly felt about me while somewhat intoxicated didn't make me feel like celebrating her day....especially when my birthday was almost two months ago and my wife more or less shined it altogether.

But I sucked it up and tried to be a man about it and despite my indifferent feelings I went ahead anyway and met her and 'our' friends. I only stayed about 2 hours, and a few people bought me some drinks. Many of these people are my friends as well, and it was nice to see them. The real surprise of the evening is that my wife paid attention to me...she told me she loved me a few times...and even kissed me in public. And she was sober.

Talk about confusing emotions for me. I have no idea where I stand anymore. One day I am a horrible step-father who needs to 'grow a pair of balls' (per my SIL), the next day my wife tells me how much she loves me, wants to go dancing with me, and is planning to take me to dinner on Friday.

Do you guys understand why I want to pull my hair out at times? I have a feeling my SIL and BIL may have pointed some stuff out to my wife (in my favor) that maybe she really didn't recognize on her own...If that is the case, then I owe them my gratitude....but that all could be wishful thinking on my part and the furthest thing from reality.

I took a 'pill' this morning...and I can tell my body was devoid of the chemicals before. The last hour or so, I get these little flashes that last only about a second in my head...kind of like a head rush or adrenaline. This is a mild side-effect and always occurs when I'm on my meds. I guess it just feel more pronounced today. Too bad it takes 2 weeks of taking them every day for them to kick in....so I suppose my chemicals will be out of whack...again...the next few days.

Speaking of which, I had to call my therapist this morning and explain that my wife lost her job and our medical benefits are in flux and I can no longer pay for my weekly sessions right now. Maybe when my wife gets a new job, or I can sign up for benefits at my job (*sigh) I can go again....but for the forseeable future, I'm on my own.

I really didn't want to go to work today. I really wanted to stay home, play with my dog, work on my models and just take a personal day. Instead, I came in this morning and asked for Friday off and it was granted. I have enough vacation time saved up...Lord knows we can't afford to go anywhere.

I have a gift certifcate to the movies, so I may treat myself to Thor in the afternoon.

Flat Tire #2

2011-05-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

Last week, my Wed. was shot to heck by an unexpected flat tire. I was originally scheduled to have last Friday off, but since I spent the majority of the day waiting for my tire to get fixed, I had to swap out my vacation day for Wed. instead.

Well, as luck...or lack of luck would have it, I awoke this morning to now find my left front tire flat. Are you kidding me? That's 2 flat tires within 5 days! I didn't drive my car yesterday, so if it happened, it had to have happened on Saturday as I did some chores around town as trouble for my efforts got a slow leaking puncture.

The nice thing was my boss was understanding when I called (personally I'm glad I have a phone that can take pictures to prove it just in case), because I'm not sure I would have believed me if I were in her shoes.

The other good thing is I think the guy at the tire store felt pity for me from last Wed., because he patched this one at no charge, and I was on my way within 45 minutes. But he did show me that all 4 of my tires (each are 3.5 years old) were soon to be replaced, and it would roughly cost me $450 to get all done in the future...great.

In other news, I've been off my meds for over a week now. I just keep forgetting to take them....plain and simple.

Yesterday, my wife had a mini-melt down of her own. I know this may sound bad coming from me (who is supposed to be sensitive to her and loving and caring), but in a way, I was kinda glad to see it. Not that she was hurting per-se, but the fact that there are some 'feelings' within her, and it just isn't me that makes her upset. Her own mother asked some questions to her, and I'm pretty sure my wife was not expecting to be put on the spot and face reality.

I stayed out of it and actually removed myself from the situation altogether. It boils down to my mother-in-law asked my wife what her priorities were these days, now that's she's not working. She told my wife to watch her money, not to spend/blow it, etc. etc. Although I agree 100%, I'm glad my M-I-L took it upon herself to interject, and nothing to do with me at all. I didn't bring it up, encourage it, nothing. I was a casual observer from the next room, but I was curious how my wife would react and handle herself....apparently not very well.

I eventually left for home and my wife stayed behind to talk with her own sister and brother-in-law and came home much later. My sister-in-law called me today to share what happened.

"Your wife....my sister....needs help."

Yes she does.

My S-I-L explained that my wife went on for the next few hours blaming everyone else for her woes...her mom, me, her ex co-workers who are 'conspiring' against her, but never once took responsibility for any of her actions. She's mad at me for some trivial things....things I didn't even know about. But my BIL and SIL came to my defense and said "How would he know...if you never told him?" And "Well Missy....you got a quite a few things you need to change as well, because they are questionable...at best." The bad news, however, is my wife doesn't think they are an issue with her....Again...it's everybody else (me included, and I've probably got the biggest chunk).

While both my SIL and BIl acknowledged that my wife may have 'some' points, they also told me they believe them to be either exaggerated to some extent, perhaps a little questionable, or at the very least, my wife 'believes' them to be true in her own mind.

But in the end, both my SIL and BIL expressed that she needs to help herself, admit to some of her own issues, and take some responsibility herself. While I am glad my sister in law called me up to tell me what's up, or what happened after I left, I'm not encouraged by the fact that my wife is STILL in a huge case of denial.

Not the way I wanted to end my day today. It's actually my wife's birthday today, and now I gotta go to a 'party' that her enabler friends put together and 'pretend' I'm so excited knowing my wife who just told me she "loved" me this morning (was it after the alcohol wore off maybe?)basically thinks I'm a lousy step-father and crappy husband to her sister and brother-in-law.

Yay me!

On the brink (Part III)

2011-05-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy with work and my mind has been going in so many different directions the last few days, I just can't seem to chronologically continue this recent episodic arc.

So instead of dragging this out for weeks on end (at my current pace of finding time to write), I'm just going to wrap this 'On the brink' continuing serial with the prominent highlights:

I'm fogetting to take my pills on a daily basis: ergo, I can't even be sure right now if my mental state is stable because of the lingering medication, or something else.

Just after I decided not to file papers against my wife, she got let go from her job of 11 years, thus we are down to my income and her on unemployment. So I exchanged one level of stress for another. Of course, our bills will now go up as her company used to pay both our home Internet and her cell phone. Now they don't. That's and increase of approx $120 a month on us to keep, and her income is less than half now based of EDD pay-outs.

I talked my wife into going to church with me on Easter. She went, and Easter all around was okay.

My 'new' cholesterol medicine is a bit strong and I've had a few allergic reactions to it to where the doctor has now also included me taking a Bayer aspirin at bedtime too, to offset side effects of cholesterol medicine.

My 19 year old step daughter called my wife the other evening, and dropped a hint she wants to possibly move back in with us. Something I am not keen on as she was a huge source of drama in our house and a stressor to both my wife and myself. How do I put it nicely (I can't)....she was/is lazy and has an excuse for everything. It's my understanding that in the last 4 months, she has had to move at least 3 different times because she wasn't getting along with her room-mat at the time. Of course my daughter says it was 'never' her issues...Do you see a common denominator here? It's always 'someone elses' fault, never hers. So she possibly wants to move back so we can bail her out again? With what? My wife is now not working...so we are going to have two people not working in my house?

Learned my cousin has stage 4 cancer and probably won't make it past next month.

Last Saturday I went to a funeral of a family friend.

Did I mention I'm under a lot of stress now? Yup, my sleeping patterns and relaxation are out the window right now. Wonder why?

Earlier this week, I couldn't take it and just sat in my backyard and finished about .275ml of whisky by myself...not smart in hindsight...just wanted to be alone.

On Wed., I got a flat tire on my way to work. Missed work all day to get it repaired and spent money we don't have and had to use a 'vacation' day (which wasn't a vacation).

Because of my wife's lack of job, I have to cancel my appointments with my therapist. Can't afford to go to therapy anylonger on one income. My sessions were partially covered by my wife's health care plan, but not any longer. We have 90 days of COBRA, and then that's over.

Yup....pretty much sucks right now.

If you look at that list of crap, there is not one damn thing I can control or was a part of. Well, I suppose maybe my step-daughter....I can say 'No', but I won't. But her and I have to have a real 'heart-to-heart' talk if she thinks she's coming back. Things MUST change in that regard, and we must come to an agreement before she moves back in. No way in hell are things going to go back the way they were, with her loafing around all day long, not doing anything, copping an attitude and watching cartoons all day long while I'm at work providing for all of us. F___ that. And she's going to give me rent money, not her mom...because I'll never see any of it then.

On the brink (Part II)

2011-05-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

As I stated on my last post, my going through with filing papers to initiate a divorce was halted at the eleventh hour.

I'd like to beleive that God finally gave me a sign, that He knew I was serious....seriously hurt, seriously doubting, seriously scared, seriously broken. I often wonder why God allows us all to continously go through stuff that we do. I don't know how many times I have heard from people that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I personally don't know how I feel about that statement or the underlying logic to it.

Different people have different breaking points. What seems like a hardship to one may seem trivial to another. I recall thinking (as mentioned in my last post), my life was about to enter a period of total chaos (although it is said almost 50% of American today experience divorce), but in the end I wasn't losing my life, or my world, like the people in Japan are currently suffering. Or like in Haiti last year, or Katrina a few years ago.

That fact alone is both humbling to me, and a cause of concern. I'm concerned because in the big picture of life my trials and tribulations do seem menial. But at the same time, do you know what it's like to live with a closet alcoholic? Do you know what it like to have full fledged depression? To wake up in the morning knowing a pill is waiting for you downstairs that 'may' balance out the chemicals in your head so you don't have thoughts of never waking up again? I do. And I'm not going to lie....depression sucks...and knowing God isn't a cure all for all people. I love God, I love Christ.....but that doesn't make me see rainbows everyday. Quite the contrary. I see evil, and corruption, and a sick world and a sick society all around me. I know people are destined for eternal condemnation, some even within my own family, and the task of trying to save those who don't want to be save is a daunting task.

So what else?

Well, I can tell you, it's not easy to remember my pills everyday. I was doing good for a while, but starting to forget again...like today....oh and yesterday. Great...just great. Doesn't do me any good if I keep forgetting, because according to the doctor and therapist, I'm supposed to take them every day to regulate my brain chemicals. Why can't I remember.

My mother-in-law contacted my mother just after this all went down a few weeks back. That's yet another reason I know my in-laws like me and care for me. They wanted to express their concerns and share with my parents (my dad already knew...I share with him more on these matters because my mom tends to over-react and then smother me and call me 20 times a day...I am her only son afterall).

The one thing I didn't expect was my mother-in-law to speak about my therapy. *Sigh*...Well, the cat is out of the bag now and of course my mom called me. Yes, I told her....your son speaks with a therapist. I think my mom was a little shocked and taken aback. I'm sure she thinks everything is like a 1950's movie where I'm laying down on a couch talking to a guy with a pipe who nods occasionally and suggests electro-shock therapy.

I can tell my mom is curious and wants to dig more, buts she's handling me with kid gloves at the same time. I don't think she knows I take pills (when I remember), or anti-anxiety drugs when I suffer panic attacks. And I don't have the heart to tell her (or my father) that I used to have suicidal thoughts. I have a feeling my mom would think I am 'crazy' and either try to smother me more with her love or try to 'fix' me her own way....if it were that simple.

How do you tell a parent....one who loves you so much....that they did nothing wrong, but you have a chemical imbalance in your head? That you look at life differently than almost everybody else around you? That there are periods....that creep up unexpectantly and at odd times....that makes you want to cry uncontrolably, or run-away, or worse. That people around you are enjoying the simple day to day things, but you secretly walk around with a fake smile exposed to the outside world while within a dark thunder cloud clings to your soul.

People say they'll pray for you, to take the heartache and pain away...but if there is any respite, it's only temporary at best, and I know deep down inside my personal demons will most likely return.

Anyway, my mom now knows I see a therapist but is not 100% sure why. The curiosity I'm sure is killing her, but she has no idea to what extent and I assume she thinks it's just about my marriage, and maybe a bad day at work here and there.

(To be continued)

On the brink (Part I)

2011-04-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

Gosh...time does indeed fly when I take a moment to look back, but if I think in terms of day-to-day it sometimes seems to drag on forever. Thank goodness Heaven is supposedly outside of time, for I have had a horrible sense of time since my last entry. Was it really March 31st? Sorry folks.

The last four weeks has been all over the place. Some ups and downs (mostly downs), but I sit here today, now this afternoon in a state of reserved peace. Actually it's good I've been distracted the last few hours, as earlier this morning I was feeling quite anxious and irritable.

I'm not sure I'll be able to get everything that happened the last 4 weeks into this post...as a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I won't, so stick around for a few parts over the course of the next few days, but I'll do my best to highlight everything in the best chronological order that I can:

So four weeks ago I was in a bad place. My wife came home late one evening, with no phone call and was not in a position to drive. To say I was angry, dissappointed, and hurt are all understatements.

Despite my wife's earlier declaration that I never call her parents on matters such as these...I personally don't care. What is she going to withold intimacy from me? Well, our sex life is for crap anyway...so no loss on my end. She going to get more defensive and angry? Well, again...so what...she's already irrational and lives in a state of denial, so what does a guy who lives at the bottom of his own house have to lose?

Her mom came down the following day and with the support of my parents and my in-laws, I asked her to leave. My wife has a drinking problem, and although she can't admit it, other people are....except there in lies yet another problem. My wife surrounds herself with enablers. Most of her friends are on their second marriage, or seperated, in broken relationships with children, or never settled down. And here I sit...the un-fun guy (who used to be a lot of fun some would say) who found God. Darkness doesn't like the light because the light has a tendancy to expose, and no one (unless they are ready themselves) likes to be put in the spot light...exposed...naked...and take personal responsibility.

What ensued was not so pleasant a discussion, but thank goodness my mother-in-law stood beside me. As did my brother and sister in law. And my parents.

I was a little shocked on how many people on both sides of my family said it was time for a divorce....that I tried everything that I could, but I was clearly unhappy.....and a wreck...and going on for quite some time now.

I was getting advice from everyone except God, which led me to actually make an appointment with a lawyer. I had a consultation and I sat across from a female lawyer who after I explained everything, told me pretty confidently that I would win. I would keep 'my' house, not have to pay spousal support, she would have to assume her own debt, etc. etc.

If I were a 'soul-less' person,.....a person who didn't care,....I suppose I should be feeling elated....however, I was anything but giddy. I was miserable inside. I knew the next few weeks would be horrible, but I had visions in my head of living in 'our' house alone. How long could I swing this by myself? When would I 'need' to get a roommate? How would we divide the little stuff? The big stuff? I was also determined to keep 'my' dog, my very own slice of sanity that keeps me grounded.

I also had visions of dating again...but this time, making sure I'd be equally yoked. Was 5 months adequate? 6? 7? A year? Whoa...I'm getting ahead of myself, but I couldn't help but wonder what being married to someone else sometime down the line would feel like. Problem is, no matter how unhappy I am, I'm still in love (I don't know why) with my wife, and even though God has been silent, I felt I was letting Him down....that I couldn't keep His promise of 'for better or for worse'. God doesn't bless a marriage that is not biblical, but when we got married I though my wife was more biblical...and I thought I was moreso as well. The truth is, we were both secular, it was only later on I would re-discover God (and even today it can be a struggle).

How could I face my friends? My family? My neighbors? My church? Not only did I let them all down, but myself, and of course God.

Then those closest to me started to explain that God would forgive me. He wanted me to be happy. That it was 'okay' to leave my wife and time heals all wounds. Some of this advice came from other Christians.

But no matter how crappy I feel. No matter how many tears I shed, how many times I felt alone, how many times I didn't want to go home, or even wake up....it just didn't feel right.

And then God finally sent me a message.

No it wasn't audible. No booming voice. No physical touch on the head. No burning bush, or outline of Christ in my toast.

It came like this:

I was an email away from filing for speration. I was expecting the documents to come in the mail that day as a matter of fact. I turned on the radio on my way to work to a Christian station, and the message was all about (drum roll)....Marriage. Almost verbatim, word-for-word, the pastor spoke everything that I was feeling at that time, and told me that I was doing a diservice to God if I, as a Christian, left my wife. It was more complex that that, but that 30 minutes (the time it takes me to drive from my house to my job) this stranger ministered directly to ME.

It was then about an hour later that my own minister, from my own church called me on my cell phone and told me he was praying for me. He asked me what was going on, and I explained the events of the previous few days, and right then and there he spoke to me about marriage. "It's a marathon, not a sprint." My minister also echoed the sentiments of the radio host, and the coincidence of these two events with an hour of each other the day I was going to file papers was uncanny. I would also later learn that the lawyer got my email address wrong, and the paper work was bounced back.

Divine intervention?

Well, only God truly knows that, but I'd like to think my back was up against the wall...I was ready to sign...ready to divorce...ready to plunge my life in uncertainity with the hopes that 'someday' I might come out on the other end....happier.

That was 4 weeks ago as I write this, and it hasn't been a box of chocolates or a bed of roses since then, but things have gotten interesting....

(to be continued)

Therapy, Part Duex

2011-03-31T10:14:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been back on my anti-depressants for just over two weeks now (although I did forget to take one this morning), and I'm not sure they have kicked in or not. This past week especially I've had a lot of physical anxiety, precursor to a full fledged panic attack, on at least three seperate days now. This past Saturday was the worst where I broke down and took a pill to combat the feeling. Otherwise a steady stream of exercising, breathing exercises, and intense prayer only seem to have a temporary effect on me. My birthday sucked. That was two weeks ago, and for those that are wondering....no, I did not get anything, not even a card from my wife. On the 17th, instead of drinking green beer and 'whupping' it up at any watering hole, I was instead at therapy. I planned on an hour session and it came to be closer to an hour and half, maybe slightly more. There was a lot of self-pity and crying, but it felt good to get it out. The therapist gave me a book to borrow, "Don't seat the small stuff: For couples". The following few days, I devoured that book and it made a lot of sense....in the moment. But as is usually the case, mere hours after a temporary reprieve, I start feeling crappy again, a small ball of anxiety and sadness manifesting within my chest....sometime making it uncomfortable to breathe. I've realized I am so scared of rejection...of being alone...of taking the steps to start over yet again. Whereas divorce never entered my vocabulary a few years ago, the thought is populating my head more and more often. I have so much love to give someone, and the desire to share and to be wanted by my wife or anyone. I'm a decent looking guy. I actually got hit on the other day and it made me feel good, but then again, it wasn't my wife...the person I swore "For better or for worse, till death do us part". I know I could remarry...someday....but I don't want to. I don't understand why my wife is so hot and cold. After my session, the therapist asked me to ask my wife to attend the following week. To my surprise, my wife agreed. However, the session did not go as I envisioned it. I really...honestly....really tried to steer away from financial talk, but the therapist sensed a hot button and pushed. Once again, my (or our) hour session went almost 2 full hours with me crumbling near the end and realizing how resentful my wife is when it comes to the topic of money. But everytime I hear my wife explain or attempt to talk about it, I am always in utter shock on how much denial she is in when it comes to her part and responsibility for 'our' current situation. Even the therapist tried to point things out to her, but she wasn't hearing it, or if she was, it was in one ear and out the other. We are supposed to go again today at 5:30 and I'm looking forward to it. Just so I can release again. Hopefully my wife remembers. We were given a HW assignment from the therapist this past week. We were supposed to write each other a note everyday and place it for the other to find. A compliment. A word of encouragement. A loving word. I managed to do it 3 times for my wife. She never acknowledged any of them. In return she never wrote me one note. I'm hurt. This morning I awoke early from stress. I laid in bed, my eyes once again filling up with tears. I tried to hide them by washing my face with a wash cloth. My wife never noticed. Now that I sit and write this entry and look back over the past two weeks, I realize how hard I have tried...........and how little my wife has, if at all. I can't continue like this. Perhaps I do need to call that lawyer afterall next week. God...I hate my life right now again.

Birthday Blues

2011-03-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday.

And I feel sick to my stomach.

I took my pill this morning (Day 4), and have discovered my emotions are still stronger that the medication that most likely hasn't yet kicked in, and once I found myself in my car driving to work, couldn't help but have my eyes well up.

My wife got up slightly before me, (she rarely does), and by some small wishful fantasy of mine, I thought perhaps she might have gotten up early to put out a birthday card or present for me.

That wasn't the case. As I came downstairs to a pot of coffee I did get a "Happy Birthday" from her, and a peck of a kiss......but no card....and no present.

As long as I'm feeling sorry for myself, let me also say I received no email, card, or call from my step-daughter either. Still awaiting the 'thank you' for the present I sent her last month.

Really? Wow, why am I not surprised.

The day is still early, and I'd like to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I'm being very premature. Perhaps there will be a card waiting for me later tonight, maybe not. I don know she has told me that she has a softball game this evening at 7:30, so the earliest she will be home is around 8:45. There are no indications of any planned festivities this weekend and I suppose that's weighing on my mind as well. My wife planned on going to her sister's for dinner this upcoming Sunday and then my parents invited us both out to dinner for my birthday. I told my wife she was invited out with my parents, but instead of saying "okay, I'll call my sister and reschedule for another time.", I instead got....nothing. Yup...nothing.

I don't want to call my birthday a 'test', but in a way it is. I can honestly see where I rank, and it's not very high by my observations.

So do I continue to pray to God and hope this gets better...some day? Will that day be in a month? A year? A decade? I'm not sure I can last that long or want to wait that long any more.

The more and more I think about everything, and if I am really honest with myself, I don't have a partner in the biblical sense and more and more both my family and friends are telling me and have been telling me I'm getting walked on. So why don't I have a spine?

It's because I'm a dreamer. I want to be in-love. I want a real marriage, a real partner, a real best friend, a real person I can grow old with who respects me. I honestly don't feel I have that, nor do I feel I am going to get that anytime soon.

My biggest fear in all of this: being labeled a failure, another statistic, a man with baggage. I fear for losing my house, something I've tried so hard to keep and fought so hard for to keep us above water.

My inlaws, whom I have a great relationship with, are out of town for the next 2 weeks, and I really feel strongly that I need to see them on my own as a sit down as well as my own parents and explain my thoughts, concerns, and issues, so that if I do indeed decide to move forward in seeking legal counsel that this doesn't take them by surprise. I know for a fact my wife will be livid when she finds out I spoke to her parents and mine, but I really don't see any other option at this point and believe me, it won't be the first time she gets mad at me and gives me the silent treatment.

I see my counsler tonight. Did I already mention that? Yeah, I'm seeing one on my birthday to let it all out. I have no other plans anyway...apparently. I pary to God for a miracle, but to be honest, my prayers have pretty much have gone un-answered for quite some time now, so I don't have a lot of faith for divine intervention right about now, and that really sucks and makes me feel bad too. Chalk that up as a 'spiritual' failure in my book.

I do have a friend taking me out to lunch today and I've already shared much of this with him. He's a good guy and probably my best friend these days. But after lunch, I don't know if I can come back to work today. I'm just not 'feeling' it. I'm pretty much sick to my stomach and have no desire to really interact with anyone else for fear of myself having a meltdown.

That's all for now.

Meds- Day 4

2011-03-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

Today is day 4 on my 20mg of Citropram.....and I feel okay.

I'm not nearly as emotional as I was yesterday. I'm surprised I survived a whole day of work without anyone noticing what a basket case I was. However, towards the end of the day, my chest was a little sore, like the onset of a panic attack that never took hold. Just a light ache when I took deep breaths.

And strangely, my wife was very nice and chatty and even somewhat loving towards me last night. Basically almost a 180 from a few days before. Probably one of the reasons relationships drive me nuts. (sometimes I wonder if she actually the bipolar one and not me, or maybe we both are and I'm the only one who knows)

I met her after work at the bowling alley and was greeted by not only a kiss from her, but her team mates all commented on how good I'm starting to look now that I've dropped 20lbs. Yup, I weighed in this morning at 217, down from 237 almost 2 months ago. It was an ego boost to my soul that people are noticing and asking me what I'm doing....so that was my bright spot of the day.

I have selected the 'in-network' therapist out of my own personal financial concerns and will have my 1st visit with her tomorrow, Wed., at 5:30pm. Depending on how it goes, I have chosen the first female therapist as a backup and have a tentative appointment Saturday morning as a back-up plan. She seemed to give me a better vibe over the phone in our brief phone conversation.

Took my gym clothes today so I will be hitting the gym after work, at least to ride the bike. Started the morning with my wife 'touching' me in bed...nothing sexual...just placed her hand on me and for the first time in months I didn't want the moment to end. Had a good cup of coffee and a packet of oatmeal for breakfast, and so far work is 'okay' today.

Someone recommended that I read the book of Proverbs yesterday. I tried reading chapter 1 & 2, but I just couldn't focus. It just wasn't making sense, but then again, nothing was yesterday.

Trying out Therapists

2011-03-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

What an awkward and uncomfortable process.

Basically you go to your health provider website, type in your address, select a 10, 15, or 20 mile radius and click the appropriate boxes: depression (check), anxiety (check), marriage therapy (check). You press 'submit' and somewhere in the annals of ethereal cyberspace both electrons and protons and whatever else is out there spit back a list of names.

Great, so now I have a list 200 names ranging from .81 miles to 4.82 miles from my house. Really? Are there that many people out there that have issues that warrants these many therapsists? Marriage counslers? Pychologists? Pschyiatrists? I already feel overwhelmed and I haven't even picked up the phone yet.

Just a sea of names, addresses, and important sounding three letter titles that do nothing to help me pick. Do I pick a man? A female? Are they close to my age and inexperienced, or mcuh older with there own 50's take on the world that may be out dated.

The first person (female) I called sounded very empathetic and already I could sense she really wanted to help me, but then that awkward moment where she asks for my healthcare provider ID and group number, and we learn she not 'in network', meaning I can still go to her, but just pay through the nose.

The second person I called was also a female, and just so happens to share my last name. She was 'in-network' and could see me Wed for a co-pay of $20,...right up my alley.....but you know...she never once asked me how I was feeling or what was really wrong. The 'vibe', whatever that means, just didn't seem there to me.

Lastly I got a hold of a man. Apparantly his new office isn't ready yet, so he has to practice out of his house the next 3 weeks, but has been in the field for over 30 years. He seemed very professional and also willing to help, but also 'out of network' as far as billing goes. His regular rate is $190 an hour, but he said he'd work something out with me and I mail in the invoice to the insurance company and they reimburse within 10 days.

Here I am, feeling broken, eyes red and swollen from random fits of unstoppable tears and I'm strangely effected that I have to worry about being 'in' or 'out' of network. I'm about to trust someone by bearing my soul, raw nerves and emotions, to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again, and yet I know nothing about these people and it comes down to "Do you accept Blue Shield PPO?"

Bah....this whole process sucks.

Falling

2011-03-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to exhibit the signs of a mini-meltdown again, and the last few days have been increasingly hard for me to feel any source of positive emotions.

Perhaps the trigger was the dealings of my wife mid-last week. A lot had to do with the fact she said I wasn't showing my step-daughter any respect, and I had, and still am for that matter, able to digest and find truth in this. Maybe it's the fact my wife has now left the door open for my step-daughter to possibly come back....a source of tension for everyone involved. My wife and her daughter have a love/hate relationship and the cloud of darkness at times in the house is palpable.

Perhaps it the fact my birthday is coming up in a few days and we have no plans, or at least I take it as my wife has made no plans to celebrate it and instead invited her friends to our house next Saturday.

Perhaps it the lack of any real sex-life as of late.

Or is it the threat of another layoff any day, and our still 'head-just-above-water' financial status.

My mother gave me a lecture or dressing down yesterday over the phone as well in reagrds to fixing a leaky sinkin my house. Apprantly my 'priorities' are all wrong and she's very disapointed in me.

Needless to say, I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of grief that I cannot control.

I chose not to go to church this past weekend. As a matter of fact, it took all my energy to get out of the house to go to the gym yesterday and even more so this morning to get ready for work. I realize I'm not happy at work. I loathe it, but bills need to get paid.

Last night my wife informed me we were going to her sister's house for dinner. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't 40 minutes away, and these dinners always seem to be hours on end. I like my sister and brother in law...I do. But Sunday nights (a work night) is not my cup of tea to have yet another 4.5 hour outing. And now my wife informed me last night that she will be having dinner with her family on Sundays from now on for the foreseeable future. I am welcome to go and invited, but I just can't see meyslef doing this every Sunday. I get burnt out on all the nonsense.

So my wife is out Monday's, out Wedensday, and now Sunday evenings as well. I can't get her to even spend 1.5 with me at church. It seems the only thing my wife wants to be involved with anymore and invite me if there is alcohol involved. That may not be a fair statement, but that what it seems like to me.

And let's not even get me started on that damn Facebook. She can bury herself in that for hours at a time and I'm learning to despise her friends a little more each time. I'm becoming envious that they are effectively taking up more time than our own relationship.

The strange thing that throws me for a loop is she does says she loves me and she does kiss me, but it seems our passion is gone. If one were to ask me anymore, I could not say for certainty that she is still 'in love' love with me and that hurts.

So the last few days my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've taking a 1 mg Clonzapam to calm me down and I wonder if they are losing their potency sitting in the medicine cabinet, because they just don't seem like they kick in as quickly as I remember.

I also started (day 3) of my Citropram (anti-depressant) but it's going to take a few more days for them to kick in as well.

I cried this morning.

And once again I wondered and got deathly scared of the word 'divorce'. I don't want to lose my house, and freindships, and I loathe confrontation, but I am not a happy person.

My 'Taking it Back' strategy seemed to work in other areas, like getting me productive in losing weight and kick-starting my hobbies, but it hasn't helped me emotionally.

Today I got a list of therapsists that deal with marriage therapy, anxiety and panic disorders, depression, etc. I made a call and left a message to a new female Dr. near my house and I suppose I'm waiting for a call back. I did tell my wife this morning that I need to see a counsler and there really wasn't a notable response back, but I thought I'd let her know anyway.

I have 10 more months on my car payment and I wonder if I can stick it out. The whole idea of selling the house (and taking a loss), packing and moving into a condo, or asking my wife to leave just seems so unreal to me, but it's been part of my thought process the last few days. More than ever I've been thinking about a new partner, someone who actually wants to be my equal, someone who also has a priority for God as well.

My wife has all this potential now, thus the reason I married her and fell in love with her in the first place.....but as a friend recently told me, "she's lost", and all my prayers and dilligence don't seem to be making a dent.

Two posts, One day

2011-03-11T16:48:00.000-08:00

It's nearing 5 o'clock, and while I've kept myself distracted for the most part of the day, I can't help but circle back around to what happened last night/this morning and feel just as confused all these hours later.

:Interupt:

I just got a text message from my wife. She says she is going to hang out with a friend of hers and will be home later.

I suppose that saves me some awkwardness when I get home. I guess I'll head to the gym again, ride the bike, lift some weights, burn some negative energy, and go home.

Weird, the friend she's about to go see is a friend I spoke to earlier about our issues. This friend I can usually trust in 100% confidence not to share anything with my wife, so I'm not too worried (although there's always a chance I could get the shit torn out of me later when I'm just minding my own business). Anyway, the friend knows how I feel and may be able to calm my wife down in her own way.

I still feel a bit anxious. Not sure if it's reaction to the pill this morning, or my emotions are still flared up, or a combo of both. Probably the later. My wife needs some space and nothing good could come of us seeing each other right now. Here's to hoping her friend talks some sense into her and points out that me, the husband, isn't the only person who thinks certain things.

Okay....I'm off to try and work out my nerves.

And you're right....this is no Japan...and I need to remind myself of that.

"You don't treat her like a daughter"

2011-03-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

Well, my evening got worse last night....and no matter how bad I was tempted (and believe me I was), I cut the impending argument off at the pass and just excused myself to our room at 10pm.

As I mentioned yesterday, the previous few weeks seem to have been okay. Wife and I had been getting along, but then there is always that calm before the storm.

It appears my step-daughter who recently moved out 6 weeks ago is having 'social problems' in her new environment. I kinda predicted this months ago and warned and warned and warned to both my wife and my step-daughter this was a mistake. But my step-daughter is stubborn and she 'had to get out and be with her friends.'

I had a feeling that tiem had passed for many of these teenagers and it wasn't going to be like highschool anymore. They will have jobs, and boyfriends and girlfriends, and college, and want to move away from that town themselves. I said to my wife "Mark my words....The first 2-3 weeks it will be fun, but by week 4 the novelty will wear off and her friends won't be as accessible and in two months she'll be calling us up to move back in."

I clearly remember sitting my step-daughter down and talking to her, warning her of this, etc., etc., etc. But she was determined. So I said to my wife and daughter, "If she goes, she needs to stick it out for at least 6 months." My step-daughter has a history of quitting, and most of the problems she has today is because everyone in her family makes excuses for her time and time again. How does one learn from their mistakes or learn to pick themselves up off the ground if she never experiences her own personal responsibility?

Needless to say, I guess after 6 weeks out in the wild, she's hinted that life is not all what its cracked up to be. So of course, instead of words of encourgement, my wife has already basically caved "If it gets too bad, you can come home."

WHAT?? No one has discussed this with me. I wasn't part of this, and I'll be honest, my house is much less stressful, and much more clean. Bills have gone down.. My TV is actually my TV again. There are no radical mood swings, dirty dishes piling up, and the feeling of anybody walking on egg shells.

Smash cut to last night:

I was sitting watching the TV by myself and I heard my wife talking to her ex. Come to find out my step-daughter lied to us. She not living with an older married couple and their kid as she once explained to me. She living with un-married teenagers and their brand new baby!! Oh great. To top it off, many of her 'friends' are no longer available to her, and her 'best' friend I guess told her to take a hike recently after she herself just had an abortion. Oh.....my.....God.

After the call, I asked my wife what was going on, and she told me. I said, remember...we agreed...6 months. She has to stick this through.

The next thing I heard was:

"You do not repsect her or treat her like a daughter."

Stunned to say the least.

I let her in my house, basically rent free, shuttle her to and from school, take care of her meals and everything else. All I asked for in return was to walk the dog 2x a week (to relieve me), and keep her room clean. She failed at these simple tasks. I never spanked her, new restricted her, only took her PC away from her once for lying to me for two weeks. I recently sent her money for her B-day, and to this day I have not received a call or a thank-you.

And I don't show her respect?

I could feel the ire welling up within me. Wanting to avoid any blow-out and sensing anxiety, I took a Clonzapam to calm me down. Too bad it's not instant. I went to bed without saying goodnight to my wife.

This morning, my wife had a major attitude towards me. Cold shoulder and infifference. Seriously? "What did I do?", I asked. She just went on and on on how I'm not a good step-father, never bonding with her daughter, again, not showing her respect.

"So this is all my fault? My fault she can't get along with people? My fault she ran off despite all my warnings? My fault she dropped out of school? My fault she's lazy and quits everything? My fault no one can tell she's telling the truth or not depending on the subject? Oh, this is just rich..."

I'm summing it all up. There was a lot more said by both of us, and I look back, and honestly, I still don't know what started it and how it got directed back to me. I'm livid right now. I ended up taking my 'happy pill' today, and forsee me starting a new regime over the next few weeks to mellow me out.

I won't lie. Today on my drive to work, all I could think about is divorce. I have tried, and tried, and tried. My wife...and I do love her....lives in her own world and is in so much denial...about everything....I can't even begin to to want to choose an area to work on. In my car today I listened to Christian radio and prayed feverently. Yes, I'm mad right now. I'm actually very hurt. Consider my b-day screwed to the point I don't even want to be around right now, and in that 1% chance my wife even tries to make ammends (she won't), I'm not in the mood to be receptive.

Hopefully this will all blow over, and I suppose my own emotions are super high right now. But I can't help but think I made a huge mistake 7 years ago. I'm having these visions (seriously) of being married to someone else, raising a child with a loving wife who is committed to marriage, family, and Christ....first.

It's really sad......very, very sad....my marriage right now is just an exercise in complacency and going through the motions. It's so hard to be in love with someone when you know they really don't love you back the same way.

March check in

2011-03-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

Can't believe it's already been just over a month since my last entry. Where does the time go?

A few quick updates first:

My train hobby is picking up 'steam' so to say. I have effectively built 85% of a 3.5' x 6.5' benchwork layout. I hope to complete this foundation in the next 2 weeks and get ready for the real fun: laying track. Too bad my wife, (as per usual) jumped to a massive conclusion about this before it was even close to being constructed. She got on my case about thinking it would end up in our 'guest bedroom' as a permanent fixture but I tried to explain I was 'temporarily' building it in there because of the lighting, solid hardwood floor and ample room to make construction and clean up easier. That was a 2 hour argument she started and already made up her mind before I was even done. Sucked for me, because in the end, it ended up in a different room anyway. I wish she's just keep things to herself at times until 'after' crap is finished....and save everyone a lot of energy, and feelings for stuff that didn't happen except in her head.
Diet is stalled out. I've been hovering at 223lbs the last 2 weeks and can't seem to budge again, but I have plans on hitting the gym the next 4 days pretty hard.
Been reading books like a madman. I read two books in totality over the last 4 weeks, and have already made considerable gains in 2 others I recently started.
This upcoming weekend is the weekend me and some of my guy friends have set aside to make beer. This was one of my 'Taking it Back' tasks for 2011, and I hope to check it off this weekend. Alas, (I know this sucks in saying this), I wish my wife would chill out. Not to be out-done, because God forbid I do 'something' fun for once on my own, she's upping the ante like this is some kinda un-said competition and has proclaimed Girls Day Out this Saturday...yeah, like she ever needed to proclaim this. Whatever. I shouldn't care, but I'd be lying if I didn't thinks part of the reason she's doing this is to get under my skin. Maybe not so directly to my face, but the comment she made to a friend, "I need to get out of our town" just seemed childish. We just went away last weekend, and 2 weeks ago she went out to her friends, so I have no idea what the heck she's talking about...as if there is some ankle chain holding her down and can't breathe. Really?
There's a shake up at my company yet again. President stepped down and we will get a new chief in 3 weeks. Great...this all coincides with the 'reumor' of layoffs for next week.
My birthday is next week, mid week, and my wife announced that next Saturday she invited 'her' friends over to our house. Great....So my b-day weekend gets usurped by her social life. No wonder I've been moody the last few days. God, I sound like such a baby and so selfish, but yes, this stings a bit and perhaps has made me feel a bit more aggressive towards her the last few days.
Or was it the fact she managed to bounce 3 checks last week?
Or the fact the cable company called last night to inform us we're two months behind that I had no idea about because she normally takes care of this. But hey, she's got softball on Wed., and bowling on Monday, so of course she has no time for the actual responsibilities...like bills. That would get in the way of 'fun'.

You know, I'm just in a mood today. Looking back at these last few bullets...that's raw. I wasn't planning on that at all, but I'm not going to erase it. I've been holding this in the last few days and slowly simmering....not boiling though. I think I've learned that 'boiling' gets me nowhere but making myself sick. But it's all true....at least from MY perspective. I'm sure she'd have an answer or explanation for all these...and even though deep down I do care, I just can't muster up the energy to invest in listening to them...because to me, it's just blah, blah, blah...someone trying to justify things in their own mind to someone else to make themselves feel better or deflect the balme or responsibility, or whatever.

Sorry this post took a negative turn. Wasn't my intention.

What was that all about?

2011-02-10T08:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a very odd day for me.

Often my entries are very fresh...if I'm at a keyboard, they are in the heat of the moment....raw and unedited.

After I signed off yesterday I was looking forward to going to the gym and burn off that negative energy. As I drove to the gym, I saw a car in front of me that had a bumper sticker from a company called (of all things) 'Christ Bumpers'...and it had a message from both old and new testaments that seemed to minister to me, although seemingly by coincidence.

Needing some additional uplifting, I turned to the Christian radio station and the message was regarding those that are exposed over and over and over to the good news, yet still reject it. Too bad I only caught the tail end of it, but just these brief ten minutes or so seemed to give me some comfort.

I went to the gym and rode the bike for 30 minutes, increasing the resistance by a notch and noted that my endurance is indeed improving. There's no way I could do level 10 for 30 minutes 6 weeks ago. It was more like level 8 for 15 minutes, then 20 minutes, then 25 all the while while increasing the resistance as well.

Last night my wife had softball (her team won by the way), so I was alone with my dog for about 2 hours. It was nice. I got to catch up on some shows I had previously taped, but I got to play with my dog. For being 5.5 years old, he was like a puppy last night....being goofy and silly and we had a good time. After we played he snuggled up with me on the couch as I lay down...and he lay next to me.....not hard for him to do when I'm gently petting him.

It's what the doctor ordered....at least for the moment.

Last night I did have a 'uncomfortable' dream though. It wasn't a nightmare or disturbing. It was about my college friends from 20 years ago. I just happened to walk into a night spot and noted a very close group of my friends there obviosuly for a party I wasn't invited to. I could tell at first they were all a bit uncomfortable that I just happened to be there, not because they didn't like me or want me there, but more so they were embarassed in fact I wasn't invited. The reason was that the 'organizer', an old friend of mine, had decided to exclude me from his life (true story) without ever saying why.

I know this sounds odd, but its a true story. I have/had a friend I used to hang out with in college and about 10 years ago he just wrote me off with no explanation. I wrack my brain to this day wondering what happened. Was it something I did? Something I said? The fact that I am the polar opposite of his politcal viewpoint and even perhaps his religious viewpoints? I don't know.

I suppose I could write him a letter, try to extend the olive branch to know what I did...or didn't do...but I've been afraid. I'm afraid I may hear something I don't want to hear. I want to be a man about this, but there's something to that old saying "somethings are better left unsaid." Or that old movie, A Few Good Men. "You can't handle the truth!" Maybe.

I'm a very sensitive man,a nd the last thing I hate to do is to hurt anyone or disapoint them. I've asked mutual friends of our why I was written off, but either they are trying to protect me, or truly do not know.

Anyway, I look back at our relationship.....and we are opposites. It's not that he is a bad person...not at all. He's a loving husband and father and very smart. But we do not agree in politics (at all), and I'm pretty sure he's agnostic and may think I'm too religious for him. The thing is, I really don't espouse my beliefs unless someone asks. I am not a rolemodel for the faithful, nor am I on street corners condemning the masses. If I did, I'd start with the man in the mirror.

I really don't know and it's one of those open ended mysteries that plagues me. Why it came to a head in my dreams last night, I have no idea.

I'm sure I will dwell on this for a bit today, off and on...that's who I am...but it will pass in time until my next mental crisis.

That being said, I'm in a better emotional state today.

Oh, and today I was 223.8 lbs. Yay.

Emotional day

2011-02-09T16:42:00.000-08:00

Today seems like an abberation of the past few weeks.

For the first time since the new year, I seem to be extremely emotional today, and not of the happy go-lucky sort.

I woke up cold (it was 62 in the house), and sore (took the last few days off from the gym) as I've been more achy than usual. The only good news is my wiegh in this morning has me at 224, and yesterday I was 223.8, so I breached the 225 barrier of the last two weeks. You'd think I'd be elated, but instead I just seemed....introspective and docile.

I didn't want to come to work again today and while I was a bit busier than I had been the last two weeks, it hasn't been enough to make this day go by any faster. Actually the last 2 hours seemed like 4.

Okay, back to my emotions. I've run the gamut of being disgusted, mad, sad, crying, lonely, angry, and judgemental to some degree. Not at anyone person or thing that I can pin it all on, but just in general.

I had fantasies of being alone again this morning, with the random thoughts of "Why did I get married again?" I know it's Valentines day next Monday, but I think we're both kinda ignoring it for some reason. She has bowlinng and I just don't want to spend the money. My wife did hurt my feelings the other day. Out of the blue she said I wasn't 'spontaneous' anymore. This really bothered me, and still does.

I don't know how many times I have attempted to be spontaneous, just to be shot down numerous times to the point I just kinda gave up and decided I gotta do more stuff to keep me busy. She wasn't trying to be mean or start an argument with me...it just sorta came out of her mouth....and it's been nagging me for days now. Of course, like an idiot, I countered "Ha...that's rich. When was the last time you were spontaneous? I could name 100 things where you'd be pressed to name 5." The rest of our drive back home was pretty quiet and neither one of us have brought it up since, but I haven't let it go yet.

I've been having dreams of old friends again....those that I've lost touch with....and don't know why. That is, I don't know why we drifted apart, but we did and it saddens me.

I read a passage in a book today about a man, very similar to myself, who lost his dog unexpectdely after 10 years. I cried. I cried very hard and I just pray to God that pets do have souls and go to heaven, or that I'll see my dog again some day in the afterlife. He's 5 years old and I love him more than you can imagine. He has been my saving grace, and even as I type this, my eyes are watering up again.

Remember when I said I need to stop reading the news? Yeah, I can't even follow my own advice. I read a story today about a teenage mom who gave birth to a baby and left it abandoned in a public portable outhouse outside a circus. A groundskeeper found the baby close to death and had it rushed to teh hospital suffering from hypothermia. Can you imagine being dumped off in a toilet at birth?

Then what about the whale that was hit by a boat and has a broken back in the bay area?

God, please hear my prayers today. This world is cruel, and sick, and we all suffer from loss.

I need to go now.

Friday update

2011-02-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

Heh, what a boring title. I wanted to try an be cute, but maybe it's too early in the morning for my creative side to be functioning.

I ended up going to the gym last night and rode the bike for a full 30 minutes. Afterwards I did about 15 minutes of legs, came home and mae myslef a pretty lean steak sandwich with lettuce, tomato, red onion, and a slice of swiss on flax multigrain flatbread chased with a large glass of water. Dessert was fat free butterscoth pudding made with 2% milk.

So why am I telling you this? Well, I'm still sore as heck, but had two decent nights of solid sleep, but this morning I weighed in ar 224.6 lbs. I have officially broke the 225 barrier and haven't weighed this in almost 4 or 5 years. My goal is still 216 by mid March, so I have just under 10 lbs to go in the next 5-6 weeks (or 2 lbs a week).

What do I miss most? I actually have these 10 minute periods where the craving for an ice cold beer is all consuming. But generally if I do something else, I can make. That's not to say if my friends didn't come over and put a beer in front of me....well....I'd probably drink it. I also still miss 'crunchy' food.

Still a bit cool here but supposed to warm up this weekend. One of my friends finally decided to have a small Super Bowl gathering that we'll be attending so after work tonight I'll be going to the grocery store to pick up my contribution (undetermined at this point), but I'm also going to pick up meat for sausage. I figure tonight I'll grind meat and marinate, and tomorrow I'll stuff casings. If I can get this done in the morning, I can go to the gym, and still maybe make it to Home Depot to pick up my train layout supplies as well. I hope this will be a productive weekend for me.

I'm officially 1 month into 'Taking it Back', and so far, I'm pretty happy with the results....and the nice thing is...they are of my own making this time.

Hump day update

2011-02-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

Wow, look at me....on a roll with updates this past week.

I'm super sore today. Last night I went 110% on bombing my shoulders and even did some legs at the gym. Years ago I had huge legs. I wasn't the fasted person in the world (I hate and loathe running of any sort), but I can remember both Highschool Football and soccer coaches were interested in me based on my legs alone.

In college I blew out my knee. Torn ACL and meniscus. Long recovery, but that was back in '93-'94. Today, I just don't work out my legs that much anymore, but last night I wanted to change it up at the gym (I'm already getting sick and tired of the bike for 25-30 min), so I decided to do calves, hamstrings, and quads. Wow is all I can say. My quads are just a former shaodw of themselves and I was even surprised on how little weight I can do these days compared to yesteryear.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and I'm sore....I mean sore. Not really my legs, but my shoulders. Bought some protein powder for a post work-out drink, had a baked potatoe and single breast of chicken topped with just salsa last night. This morning was one packet of oatmeal and flaxseed. My weight.....225.8 (still down from my inital 237), but I really haven't budged the last few days. Was it the pizza Friday night? The two beers I had on Sunday? I don't know, but I have to be extra dilligent the remainder of this week. I'm hoping to be 224 by Sunday without starving myself.

Wife is playing her first softball game tonight at 8:50pm. I'm pretty sure the field closes at 10pm so hopefully everyone will go home afterwards and I won't have to worry about her grabbing beers at 10:30, But even if she does, I have to not let it get to me.

Work has picked up a bit, but not enough to make the day super meaningful. Still bored, but the 8 hour stretch now seems like only 5-6.

Saturday, I may go to Home Depot to buy the basic 2x6's, clamps, screws, and what not to start my train layout. I measured the room this morning and while 4' x 8' just looks huge for a N-scale train, I may just settle for 3' x 6' or 7'. I have a folding table in their now which is 2.5' x 6' and that's just to shallow. Amazing what 6" more making it 3' can do. I have a friend who said he may be available later in the day to help me bring the wood back in his truck as I don't think a sheet of plywood will fit in mine.

I'm also contemeplating making sausage Saturday as well. With Superbowl this weekend, all the grocery stores in my area are having fantastic sales on meat, so I have to at least buy pork and beef on Saturday if I don't make it. I have no idea what I'm really doing for Saturday.

Speaking of Superbowl.....so far, we have no plans. In the past we've usually been invited to parties, or have thrown 1 or 2 small ones ourselves over the years, but as of today....nothing. I hope we get together with someone. I like to chat and watch the commercials with friends, but so far, there is no word, so unsure if we'll be alone this weekend or not. It may be better for my diet if we are alone.....the temptation of having beer and buffalo wings, chips & dip and other crap may just ruin my progress this week.

Egypt: I'm so lost

2011-02-01T09:35:00.001-08:00

Yes, this post is way out of left field but what's been going on Egypt the last week has me completely baffeled.

Despite everything I talk about or share here, I normally don't comment on world events. It's not because I live in a bubble. You'd be surprised to learn that I'm pretty much a news junkie....and maybe one of the reasons I've been prone to depression.

This may be a generalization, but I tend to beleive that most news that we watch, read, or hear about leans towards the negative. Most headlines or lead stories today overwhelmingly have a 'dire' outcome and are over sensationalized. It seems for every one feel good story, or article for hope and human kindness, it is quickly outnumbered by those full of death, disease, destruction, corruption, crime, sexual immorality, whatever.

I'm not sure I'm the biggest fan of the digital age, that news is at our fingertips 24/7. I almost feel we are too conencted. It was only less than 75 years ago that news sometimes took a few days to reach us. Even with the introductions of the telephone, televisions, film camera's, etc., it still seemed to take a bit of time for 'world' events to hit the common person. I think of the films of the 50's where children were sheltered and thier biggest concern was if it was a snow day. Women wondered about what was happening at the local salon, and in general we were all just a bit more isolated.

Then came cell phones, and satellites, and the Internet. Now it's iPad's, and Facebook, and Smart Phones, and GPS in your car. Yes, the technology is great and it stands for progress and moving us forward, but mankind has allowed information to flow too freely. We hear of cyber-bullying (a term that wasn't around 10 years ago). We hear about 'sexting', and all the drivel from wannabe armchair politicians from Twitter and most of it is from reality stars or musicians.

I've often said 'ignorance can indeed be bliss', and we all may be just a little happier if we just stopped listening to the news for a few days.

But I'm guilty of not following my own advice. See, I get bored very easily, especially when it's slow at work. My smart phone doesn't help now that I get CNN updates to my phone a few times a day to keep me abreast of what's going on. I'll be the first to admit, relucantly, that I'm pretty plugged in (I think this comes out of my natural tendency to analyze and raw curiosity) to the world. I'm pretty well informed about about current events.

But Egypt has taken me completely off guard.

I understand the Egyptian people want the gov't ousted. But what started this? Why now? What do the people really want? And other than unstability in oil prices for us, what is the immediate, intermediate, and long term global impact?

I've tried to read a few articles on both CNN and Fox, listen to a few interviews on AM radio....but I still feel cluless. It scares me a bit even though it's on the other side of the world. That whole region of the middle east....it never ending chaos and has been for thousands of years. Granted, I'm not muslim, and this may be a generalization, but for a region that is predominatly muslim, they sure hate each other as much as they hate the west and Christianity.

Oh, there's blights Christianity as well (Crusades anybody?), but this part of the world just can't seem to get it after 3000+ years, let alone our measly 225.

Birthing pains for the end as foretold in Revaltions?

I really need to stop listening to the news for my own sanity.

Changes and witnessing

2011-01-31T08:48:00.000-08:00

For those that are stopping by and wondered what happened to the subdued green palette here before, I thought it was time for a little change.

I wanted a little color, something that was a little bit more upbeat. I like the fact that Blogger has some new picture inspired templates, and the background picture you see here was out of their stock section. Why this picture? Well, I love the southwest. I may not always enjoy 100+ degree temperatures, but I love the mystery and isolation of a beautiful desert. The way these barrel cactus's stand for 100+ years in complete solitude and weather the elements has some symbology buried somewhere in their about me.

There was another picture as well or a beautiful blue sky with billowy clouds that I liked as well, but this one won out...just barely.

Not sure if I'll keep the format as it stands right now. I may play with a few of the colors and fonts before I settle on a finalized look, so bare with me if you notice a few minor changes over the next few weeks.

Okay, back to the present.....I didn't do too much this weekend. We stayed in both Friday and Saturday nights which I guess is a good thing from a financial standpoint. It may not be good from a diet standpoint as neither one of us was in the mood to cook, so my wife ordered a pizza in which I only ate about 4 slices. I was also happy and surprised she took a rare interest in a video game I was playing. It's called 'Alan Wake' and it's a very unique, story-driven, game with interesting writing and very realistic graphics. Normally she's not into my games, but this one plays like a movie, and she got sucked in and was genuinely interested.

Saturday morning I went to my men's bible study, then the gym, then to the butcher to buy my hog casing and back fat to make sausage. When I was there, I met an interesting dude who was a bit salty in his language, but he invited me over to his house to give me some elk sausage he had flown in from Alaska. Now I know this sounds terribly weird and possibly dangerous and may raise a yellow flag with most people, but I just left the gym and I was looking big and this guy was older but he truly seemed authentic to me (though I did call my wife from cell phone....just in case). His place was only about 2 miles from the butcher shop and in a pretty public area so I agreed. I never stepped in his house and he was kind enough to bring me out a few pounds of sausage....gave me his card....and said in the coming weeks he'd be smoking some salmon (my favorite) and said he'd like for me to come back over and even bring my wife. We'll see, but so far he seems harmless enough. There may be an opportunity down the road to witness to him, but it just didn't feel right for me to bring it up, but through his conversation with me he offered up that he was divorced and despite his jovial demeanor towards me, I could sense some confusion and bitterness underneath.

Speaking of witnessing, I had a long lost cousin contact me yesterday. I won't go into all the details on what brought us to our first conversation in almost 7-8 years yesterday, but it seemed like a miracle to me. He's my second cousin, is quite a few years older than me (I believe he's in his late 50's), live is San Fransisco and gay.

I don't know exactly what happened in the past, nor do I want to know, nor is it my business, but parts of my family have written my parents (and by proxy...me) because we're Christian. I think in their mind they picture or stereotype all Christians as these right-wing fanatics who are intolerant and preach hate in regards to sexual identity.

I finally had the chance to set the record straight with him yesterday, and I could just tell he was so relieved and a great burden was lifted off his shoulders. I calmly told him that I was sorry he and others felt that way, but they never bothered to try and talk to me...to find out my viewpoints, my thoughts, my concerns, instead they let CNN and Al Franken define who I was instead.

I think he was surprised to learn my best friend in college was gay, that he stood in my wedding party. He was even more surprised to learn that I don't believe being gay is a one way ticket to hell.

Being a Christian is a relationship between you and God. We are not supposed to judge others, and the only way to heaven in through Him, not me, not politics, not a pastor, not tithing, and not just good works. I told him we'll be very surprised by who we see and who we don't see in heaven, that WE ALL fall short if only by the grace of God. No one is better than someone else, and there is no mention of sexuality in heaven. Sexuality is an issue here on earth and quite frankly I think once we die and are in heaven, sex in the 'carnal' sense no longer has any meaning. Of course I don't know this for fact, but there's nothing I've read in the new testament that describes husbands and wives and procreation in heaven.

I don't want this entry to be about gay versus straight. It's not. It's about a family member who carried around with him a lot of pent up frustration over the years on hear-say and came to false conclusions and separation based on perceived ideology...not actually talking to someone. I think after we spoke for nearly 40 minutes, he realized that my walk with Christ is not fire and brimstone. I told him Christ hung out with thieves, liars, prostitutes, the lowly of society....not the rich and pompous and elite do-gooders. I told him I have my own struggles...with depression and sin, and had thoughts of anger and bitterness as well, that just because I'm Christina, it didn't stop me from being human. I told him (not in great detail) of my struggles in marriage and that I still swear when I'm mad, and I still have drinks here and there.

It really opened his eyes and he promised to contact me again in the future. By no means am I a theologian, nor can I quote bible scripture of the top of my head, but looking back, all the events that led him to call me is nothing short of a blessing from God and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be open and not condemning.

Brief Check-in

2011-01-27T13:15:00.000-08:00

A bit of a small entry today....basically I'm bored to death.

Our work is very slow this week. Calls are considerably down and a current re-re-review of our departmental budget has basically handcuffed my manager from making any progress whatsoever on any planned projects. Looks like we're all twiddling our thumbs which sucks because it makes for very long days. This is day number three in whcih we are all more or less staring at each other praying that the phone rings to give us something to do.

My wife told me she wants to play softball on Wed. nights now with a few of her friends at work. I really don't know how I feel about this. On one hand I look at it as just another night we're not together, her spending money we don't have, and possibly another excuse for her to have a drink mid-week now. The flip-side is I have the house to myself one extra night and not bothered where I could possibly work on my trains in peace, that she may be getting some exercise. To give her an ounce of credit, she did ask me if I wanted to play, but I think only really because they are desperate for people...I think as it stands they are short a few people for a whole team. And softball/baseball just isn't my thing.

My weigh-in this morning has me in at 225 on the nose, or down a total of 12 pounds. I can now tuck my shirt in my pants without trying to hide a little ponch, and now a few co-workers have noticed and said I look thinner in the face.

It is day two without my step-daughter, and I feel good. I did look in her vacant room today and noticed that even though I asked her a half a dozen times to make it spotless, and she promised me and assured me it would be....alas it's not. Clumps of 1/2 attempted piles of swept up debris in various spots. It's like she got distracted 1/2 way through, couldn't find a dustpan or the vacuum, so she just left it for us. It figures....and it's exactly what I expected and it pisses me off. I mentioned it to my wife this morning and she said "Well, it's as good as it gets for her." (Translation on how I understand it: Just another excuse and enablement from my wife to let her daughter do a half-assed job and no repercussions or responsibility.) This means I will clean it this weekend, if not tonight, and throw out anything left behind. I guess it makes me mad because I really feel my step-daughter took complete advantage of willingness to put her up when her dad kicked her out, and she has zero respect for me, my very lenient rules, and my house. No, I'm thinking I don't really miss her afterall and I will learn to relax more over time and feel comfortable in my own house. That room will be mine for my trains or storage....I don't care what my wife says.

Yeah, I sound a little cranky today. The last two nights I've been suffering some erratic sleep patterns and some disturbing dreams....bordering on full fledged nightmares. Anyway, I felt a little agitated this morning, slightly anxious, but nothing I can narrow it down to as the 'root' cause.

Still thinking about missing church this last weekend and feel guilty. However, unsure if the guilt is justified or not. Am I feeling guilty because I'm conditioned to believe that 2-3 hours a week are 'required' to be in God's grace, like it needs to be my works that grant me salvation, or, is my spirit really that hungry, and the restless sleep and nightmares a condition of the Enemy creeping in. And why do I analyze my personal theology and faith so much. I have OCD when it comes to my personal walk with Christ.

Knowing Christ and God and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be a blessing. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely under the microscope and that I am not worthy of Thier free gifts, and I'm trying to 'earn' my salvation. I know that's a big HUGE "No-No", but my mind gets the better of my heart more often than I would like to admit.

I think I may have to crack the New Testament later for some words of strength and encouragement.

Taking it Back - an update (part III)

2011-01-26T16:20:00.001-08:00

It's been another 5 days since my last update and I have a hodge-podge of small blurbs regarding both my resolution and other thinsg in general:

Resolution wise (Taking it Back):

I've lost approx 11 pounds in the last 22 days from hitting the gym, riding the bike, lifting weights, eating better, and cutting back on alcohol consumption. (Going tonight as a matter of fact)
I've been actively trying to organize a 4 day camping trip at a nice oasis about 90 miles from our home and getting some freinds involved. It started out pretty good, but since no one wants to commit to an actual day, it's kinda up in the air....but I tried.
I bought some replacement sausage stuffing tubes via Amazon and they were delivered yesterday. I hope to get back into home made sausage making again in the coming weeks and have a tasting BBQ shortly thereafter.
I went to a model railroad train convention this past weekend and bought myself a train and some supplies. I look to start buying some wood within the next month after I clean up my office and begin construction on the basic frame for a train layout.
I told my wife I am attending a party for a friend of mine on Feb 18th. She is welcome to come with me, and I'd like her to attend, but I'm going one way or another and that's that.
I found a 10-year old dog I want to support at a shelter in a different state. If I was closer, I would have lobbied to adopt her myself. Dogs continue to touch my hear like no other thing has done in the last 5 years.

Other stuff:

My step-daughter moved out of the house yesterday for the foreseeable future. I understand as a parent that my wife has mixed emotions (as do I), but when I woke up this morning, I already noted that a emotional burden seemed to be off my shoulders. This topic and event alone deserves it's very own post and I'll get to that soon in the coming days.
I've been struggling a bit with a personal issue that weighs on my mind a lot as of late, and perhaps that's why I didn't go to church this past weekend. My walk with the Lord and my selfish thoughts are at war. Then enemy is trying to poke at a weakness of mine, and I'm stumbling a bit.
My work has been very slow this whole week thus far and it's been a struggle for me to get super motivated. In other words, I'm bored beyond belief.
I'm med-free right now. No anti-depressents, and I feel just fine. Perhaps going back to the gym and getting my adrenaline and endorphines up along with this 'Taking it Back' attitude may have really helped my mental outlook.
A friend, 15+ years ifromthe past has located me and wrote me an email. I'm a little hesitant to acknowledge him and write back. It was a long time ago, and people grow up and change, but he hurt me and I'm not sure I want to re-experience the past. I don't know what to do just yet. I take my friendships (and loyalty) very seriously...and I want to forgive him, but it's hard right now.
My wife's and mine sex-life runs hot/cold. One minute I so want to....the next it just seems like a hassle and chore. She only seems to get in the mood when drinking. This may change with the step-daughter now gone. Time will tell.
I feel the need to purge crap from my garage this weekend.

Taking it Back - an update (part II)

2011-01-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

Shortly after that party (see part I - yesterday's post) I really started to want to make some changes, and hopefully make them stick this time. I think we all say that from time to time, and eventually a brief hiccup or trip in a pattern eventually leads to two, then three, and before you know all progress is lost and we're all back to square one.

Pretty much like all New Years Resolutions. I think everyone can agree that they know someone, if not themselves, that make lofty proclomations on December 31st, and some two weeks later, 50% or more have already abandoned them.

I have a theory about all that. Aside from the obvious machismo bragging and alcohol induced blustering we all do on Dec. 31st regarding clean slates and starting over, I think the main problem is that most people, (and I've been guilty of this myself) make too lofty a set of goals. We are most likely doomed to fail because we shoot for the stars and believe we can give it the 'ole 150% effort to make these radical changes, but deep down inside, if we are honest with ourselves, we just don't have the willpower. We say, we'll start tomorrow, or the day after next, or even next week. When we approach those new lines in the sand, we tend to re-draw them yet again, extending them out even further. We say (and try to justify to ourselves), "Well, what's one more day?"

But we end up saying that more often than we would like to admit.

So this year, mentally armed with my new mantra of "Taking it all Back", I set some more realistic goals, smaller in scale. I wrote them down on a piece of paper somewhat like a bucket list. Now I may not accomplish 'all' of these things, but I'll be happy if I at least attempt some of them. 'Attempting' and not completing is much better that 'Never attempting' and then give up.

So, to share a bit of my bucket list with you may also help you get a better understanding of me and also helps myself take a personal account and sense of responsibility towards all this.

Lose 21 lbs by mid March (2.5 months) and get down to my wedding weight of 215.

Go camping with some friends sometime this year.

Build a 4' x 8' wood framed layout for my model train hobby and begin to set up in the spare bedroom.

Reduce our (both my wife's and mine) overall CC debt by 25%.

Restart some of my lost hobbies like brewing beer and making homemade sausage and then throw a fun BBQ this summer and invite people I want to invite.

Volunteer at an animal shelter and make a difference for abandoned pets.

Pray to, and be more Thankful towards God more often.

Try to let go of the past, relax, and spend more time doing things I want to do for myself and not worry if my wife or anyone else is involved or not.

This is just a taste, and some of these things may morph into other things not yet known, but it's a start. It's realistic. And I'll feel good if I attempted most of these.

More on these later and how I'm doing thus far.

(To be continued....)

Taking It Back - an update (part I)

2011-01-19T12:59:00.000-08:00

Gosh, I just realized it been almost a month since my last post and I can't believe that time has flown already. I could have sworn I posted my thoughts regarding the changes I wanted to make for the New Year, but apparently I didn't.

The last few weeks of 2010, I was starting to get a bug up my butt about my life. As the days wore on I started to think back over various situations, personal events, emotional ups and downs, relationships, etc.

I kept circling back to a predominant thought: I was getting depressed and irritated over many things I couldn't control, and in some cases allowed them to get the better of me. I realized I wasn't in control, nor was I doing anything to gain that control back. Not that I need people to start answering to me per-se, but I was becoming more aware that I was becoming complacent, and that perhaps some of my 'issues', whether trivial or bigger in nature, were issues because I allowed them to be issues. I allowed them to dominate my mind instead of shrugging them off. I was, to a certain extent, choosing to be unhappy because I didn't pick myself up by the bootstraps.

Perhaps in some peoples mind, maybe even my wife's, I was becoming the weak man by essentially rolling over and taking it on the chin the majority of the time.

I'm not exactly sure what triggered me to start re-thinking things, but I became somewhat motivated to make some changes, and I knew that I had to do it, that I couldn't wait for anyone else (except God....but He's been a bit silent lately) to make those changes for me.

It started with a phrase that kind of morphed into a mantra for myself: "Taking it Back."

I'm not one for the Tony Robbin's school of positive thinking and I don't have wacky motivational posters or self help books lying about. There's no 'primal scream camp' or 'walking over coals' seminar I'm going to anytime soon. It was just the simple fact of questioning myself "Why can't I take my life back?" "Why can't I take my happiness back?" What is preventing me? The answer was staring me in the mirror....I was the one in the end of preventing myself from doing anything. I needed to both understand and take responsibility for that.

It actually started before Christmas. My wife and I got invited to a party from a friend of mine and I was excited to go because there were going to be some of my friends there that I hadn't seen in years. It was like a mini class reunion, and my wife and I discussed this and we both agreed to go weeks in advance.

With only a few days prior to the party, my wife's parents called up and said they too were 'attending' a party of a family friend of theirs (no relationship to me, blood or otherwise), and it just happened to fall on the same evening. Well, with only 3 days notice I explained to my wife I was not, in fact, going, I had made a commitment to my friends party, and her parents attend this same exact function every year. I can't help that they waited until the last minute to let us know, and I've been to their 'party' for the last 7 years. And I'm not exaggerating when I say if you've been to one, you've been to them all. They are always the same: Costco meat and cheese platter, pot of peas and mushrooms, soda in cans, grocery store bought cookies and 40 people standing around a house that only accommodates 20 and the same exact stories crop up every year.

My wife played it off because deep down I think she really though when it came to that day, I would end up go to her party. Well, that day came and when she asked me why I wasn't getting ready, I told her "I'm not going. I've already have had plans to attend the other one as you know for the last three weeks, not three days." She said her father (my father-in-law), would be upset. I replied, "I doubt it. Plue I already told him I was not going and he didn't say anything." (BTW: I had talked to him once before, and he secretely told me he could care less for this event as well. He just goes becasue he has nothing else to do.)

Needless to say she was surprised,....then pissed,.... and then gave me the silent treatment for the next 2 days. But you know what?...... for the first time in ages....I didn't care!

She was going to punish me by not talking to me? Okay. She was going to walk around the house, pouting? Okay. She's the one walking around in a cloud of self-anger...not me. I was totally fine with my decision and it didn't bother me and the guilt trip she was trying to apply wasn't taking hold. I think that's what made her even more mad...that I wasn't being affected...and once she figured out that the only person walking around with a dark cloud over her head was herself, she magically forgave me and pretended nothing happened by the 3rd day. See,....I didn't get sucked into trying to appease and apologize, or to 'smooth things over' with her. I wasn't wrong to begin with and hadn't done anything wrong, just asserted myself for the first time in years.

Now if her party was any other time, I would have gone, as it's not that big of a deal to me. I was just determined not to sweat it this time and show a weakness in my emotions.

And that's when the changes started.

(to be continued...)

"Why no presents this year?"

2010-12-21T15:46:00.000-08:00

My step-daughter hit me with a loaded question yesterday and I had one of those moments where I was awkwardly silent at first, but my mind was racing at the speed of light for the 'diplomatic' reply.

"So Dad.....Why this year are we not really exchanging presents like in the past?", she asked, as it was only her and I standing in the kitchen as I was making spaghetti noodles for dinner after a long day and an hour commute home due to the torrential rain.

The easy answer would have been to blurt out in disgust "Ask your mother...the one who got us into this mess.", but I didn't. I needed to focus, collect my thoughts, and be Christian-like and fair.

I may have strong feelings on a subject, and my interpretation of events may be factual and true, but would they serve the collective or common good to be blunt and lay this all at the feet of one person.

The answer is "No."

The fact really is that it does take two to tango. As much as I may blame my wife for our financial issues (see my previous post on 'Forgive and Forget' btw) , I also allowed it to happen and turned a blind eye early on. And that's not to say every once in a while I wasn't exactly making the best and wisest of money related decisions.

But she's 19 now, and a part-time employee herself trying to learn (albeit late) about how the world turns. I decided she was old enough to know certain things...we can't shelter forever, and she is a part of this household....so I decided she had a right to know the truth. I didn't have to go into much detail, or take this as an opportunity to bash anyone (including myself mind you), just paint a clear enough picture that answers this upfront question, and may hopefully explain other things as well she may be privy to.

"Well....your mother and I are kinda in a financial bind. This year has been very hard for us both as you may have picked up from the banks calling weeks on end. Suffice to say, your mother and I are living paycheck to paycheck...hence...why we are eating more soup and spaghetti and staying home on the weekends. It hopefully won't be like this forever, but right now, and for the immediate time being, your mother and I are doing what we can to not fall down any further. Hopefully, with any luck, this is the indeed the worst of it and all we can do is go up from here. It may be a few months, maybe a year, but we're trying to correct certain issues that may have been neglected."

I think she took it fairly well and hopefully will respect me someday for telling it that way.

Humbling quote

2010-12-21T15:39:00.000-08:00

I came across this quote the other day from Rick Warren, although I'm not exactly sure he is indeed the author. It seems I may have heard something similar once before, but since I saw this the other day, I CANNOT stop thinking about it:

If you have forgave, but not forgot....Did you really forgive to begin
with?

Whoa.

Heavy times 10. Man 'o man, I can think of countless things over the years that I haven't forgotten, and I wonder if I still hold even the minorest of grudges on any of them. I think I do and that puts a whole new perspective on how I have been dealing with things, both new and old.

Whoa.

What side of the fence am I even on anymore?

2010-12-20T11:13:00.001-08:00

I've really been flip flopping emotionally this Christmas. Generally, I tend to look forward to the Christmas break, Christmas itself, and family. Still no lights on the house and we didn't send out one card this year. Not one.

There is so much to be thankful for, and yet.....I'm allowing myself to get mired in frustration and making excuses not to get into the spirit of the season. It's been raining very hard the last few days and is expected to up until Thursday of this week. Needless to say, we've all been cooped up inside the house, my dog included, and maybe getting a little stir crazy and depressed.

It's a clinical fact that people that don't get enough sunlight tend to get depressed more easily, and even though I know this, I can't seem to fend it off with my knowledge. It's amazing that we can all be in the same house together and barely have anything to say to one another for hours at a time. We are all at fault on this, yet I think I'm the only one that really notices.

I was watching Extreme Home Makeover as well, and let me tell you....that show is humbling. Just when I think our life is stagnant, I see these families that endure so much more....and yet, sometimes through their own pain they still seem to keep their head held up and face adversity, and find fun and meaning in just about everything. I feel so guilty and pathetic inside when I see the struggles of others.

I want that feeling of hopefullness and cheerfulness and love. Not just for me, but for my wife and daughter as well...yet it seems to elude us all.

I feel horrible about Christmas this year in the sense of giving. It's no secret (at least here) that we're scraping by. Paycheck to paycheck. It's one thing to agree with my own family that we won't be exchanging gifts this year, but I am so ashamed and embarrassed that we won't be able to get any gifts for wife's family either, including my nephews. Through my sister and brother in law, I have 4 nephews ranging from 6 to 17. We can't get them anything this year. We're even struggling to get anything for our daughter. I mentioned to her cautiously that this year would be low-key, to only expect stocking-stuffers. I think she understood and seems okay with it, but that still doesn't make me feel better and reinforces the feeling that somewhere along the lines we failed.

I'm kinda cringing inside to face everyone on Christmas Day at my inlaws empty handed. And there isn't any solace in the fact that I didn't cause our current status. I can't help it, but I feel as if my brother and sister in law will judge us and perhaps make up some story for the kids as to why their aunt and uncle didn't get them anything this year. I hope my wife has the discussion with her sister ahead of time. I loathe any type of confrontation even though this isn't of the agressive or negative type.

I have a longing to dig into the Word for comfort, but I find that feeling of relief is only temporary. I get words and thoughts of encouragement, but like a morning fog, they begin to fade as things heat up. I didn't go to church yesterday...I slept in. I'd like to say the pouring rain was my excuse, but how much of an excuse is it when my chruch is only a few blocks away?

It's lunch time. I'm having a can of soup. Skipped breakfast. I just want to go home, take a shower, and go to bed.

And 6.5 hours later....

2010-12-10T15:54:00.000-08:00

....I'm not as mad as I was earlier.

It's really strange how emotions work. We've all heard the cliche, 'Time heals all wounds', and in some cases (not all) there is some semblence of truth to that. Where as this morning I was in a dire mood, grouchy, whatever....I just noticed that for the last few hours I've been pretty much ambivalent to everything. Did something change in our financial status the last 6-7 hours..?? No.

I admit though, I have checked our online statement 3 seperate times today. Why? I don't know. Was I expecting something to be added in there by a miracle? No. By staring at the same black and white figures, over and over did I think a light bulb would go on over my head? No. Well, I suppose the good news is nothing else cleared today. I can't imagine how I would feel right now if I logged in and we were down anotehr $100. Would that be an excuse for me to go all Richter? And if I did go Richter, would that really change anything? No.

I did get a text message from one of my wife's best friends. She knows that I've been on edge lately and I give her all the credit I can muster up by knowing she has never gone to my wife with our conversations. She really does know how to keep personal affairs and knowledge to herself. She doesn't kiss and tell, and she won't go running to my wife and gasp "You won't believe what your husband just said...."

She told me not to long ago that she sees her own therapist. At least once a week for almost a year. She suggested I go back, and it's not that I am against that notion. I need to vent. But as I explained to her, two things come up immediately for me: 1) Even if I wanted to go to a therapist right now....I have no money as a co-payment. 2) I'm not sure how talking to someone else right now solves the issue that my wife is financially irresponsible. I can talk to someone until I am blue in the face, but that doesn't stop my wife's behavior.

Anyway, she texted me mid morning to see how I was. I don't know what got into me, but I took it as an opportunity to vent. I wrote a spirited email to describe in fact exactly the way I had been feeling.

It felt so damn good to expunge and unload all this pent up negative energy I've been carrying around for a few days. But as I typed this last sentence, I can't help but wonder, why didn't I vent and unload to God? Why haven't I placed all this minutae at His feet to help carry me along? Oy, is this yet another failure to a test of being a Christian...putting my faith in man instead of with God?

So what's on the agenda tonight? Well, I see myself watching a movie on DVD or a show later. Tomorrow I plan on attending men's study at church (I need it), hitting the gym, working on my model, and spending no money.

Medication inconsistency & insomnia

2010-12-10T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well, if it's not one thing, it's the other. Lately, I've been so tired I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open past 9:30pm. If given the chance, I could probably sleep in my car at lunch for the past few weeks. Now today, my eyes sprung open at around 2:11, again in the 3 o'clock hour, again at roughly 4:30, and finally wide awake at around 5:15am.

And I still managed to forget to take my happy pill yet again. I've been so inconsistent as of late, it's probably doing no good for me at all, and I'll have to start a new cycle tomorrow and wait the roughly 2 weeks to get back on track. Ugh.

I was mad yesterday. After writing my entry and sitting in my car driving home, I got mad. I could feel my jaw hinge getting sore from the unconscious clenching I had been doing previously up to that point. I don't know why, but something told me to look at the bank account.

I looked.

I was not happy at what I saw.

My wife, despite not having any more credit cards and no ATM/Debit card anylonger has been writing checks and not giving me a heads-up. Long story short....our mortgage is due the 16th without incurring a an additional $108 late fee, and she doesn't get paid until the 17th. If we spend no money and I mean NO MONEY the next 5 days (means no gas for our cars, no eating out, no nothing), we will still be short roughly $100. The last couple of checks: $40 'bowling' (hers), $89 'beauty supplies' (various shampoos and what not), $35 Ralph's (supplies for a party we got invited too that she volunteered to make tamales). Those were just some of them. And she gets on my case for not keeping a check register??? I check the online statements almost every other day so I know what's up. She actually does keep a check register and is still clueless.

No, I can't even fight with her now. It's just not worth it for me to get worked up, scream and yell for to someone that is in denial. In the end, I'll end up looking like an ass, and somehow it'll be my fault.

We've been doing this 'joint' account thing for almost two months now, and I'm starting to suspect it's not working. Well, it's not working for me, but apparantly working for her because she can keep writing checks counting on me. We spoke briefly about it this morning. She looked at me like "well, there's nothing we can do, so don't stress about it"...Really? There's nothing 'we' can do? Um...yes, 'you' can stop writing checks for $90 worth of shampoo and conditioner. Say maybe skip 'bowling' one week and have an extra $40. Why is up to me to figure everything out?

Dammit...this isn't how I wanted to start my day or weekend. I'm frustrated, a little ticked, forgot my meds, and now broke until next week where we'll be late paying the mortgage. Oh, I just can't wait to go to my inlaws this Thursday and pretent everything is hunky-dory.

Still no spirit

2010-12-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

Well, another week has gone by and we still have zero Christams decoration up. That's both inside and out. No lights outside, no tree inside.

My aunt gave me a really strange call a few days ago. Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, she's borderline agnostic/atheist. That's not to say she isn't 'spiritual', but she's was more or less a child of the 60's and was into the whole New Age movement a few decades back and even followed some teaching of some East Indian Guru for a while. The good news I guess is she grew out of that, but hasn't landed anywhere else. I suspect she does believe in a higher power, but I know she doesn't attend church and can't believe that an all loving God would allow such atrocities to take place today if 'He' cared about us. I won't go into much more than that, but suffice to say we don't talk about Christianity and she always has 'her answer' for everything.

I don't know why I just brought that up other than to give some background on the call I got the other night. It was about Christmas Eve and the dinner I offered to cook. Long story short she talked to me for just under 30 minutes.....and I mean that literally. I timed it on my cell phone, and she did 90% of the talking with me just saying "Okay" and "Uh-huh" sprinkled in at certain intervals just so I wouldn't seem rude. But I tuned out for the most part five minutes in when she start telling me about all her dietary requirements, and not just what she could and couldn't have (which most of it is B.S. to begin with), but then she started dictating the time I have dinner so that SHE could drive home afterwards without hitting traffic. That probably seems like an acceptable request by most standards, but here's the thing.....my aunt makes everything a drama and she's always at the center of it. Not just in her dealings with me, but I've seen her talk to her husband (my uncle), my grandfather, my mother (her sister) the same way. Everything revolves around her. It's not that she's intentionally being malicious, rude, spoiled, whatever...but I really and honestly believe in my heart of hearts that she doesn't realize that she puts her well being ahead of everyone else.

So in the interest of sacrifice and less drama, I am making a few concessions and modifications. I know, I should put my foot down and draw the line somewhere, but in the interest of trying to be humble and respecting my relatives I am bending a tad. In the long run, it's just easier for me and won't cause any awkward moments for the duration of the day. That and the fact that I have three strong willed women in my life: my aunt, my mother, and my wife. I'm just too tired anymore to try and argue with any of them.

~~~~~~~

A strange thing happened to me yesterday I thought I would share....as long as I'm being 100% open and honest here in my anonymous blog. My medicine (as I've been talking about adnaseum lately) makes me very tired and my muscles very achy (plus the gym), but I got in the shower last night as hot as I could stand it and sat down, indian style, and let the water rush over me in hopes of relieving my stress and relaxing me.

As I sat there in my silence, I couldn't help but think that I haven't had a massage in over 7 years. Not juts a full body professional massage, but my wife doesn't even rub my feet or shoulders anymore. Not that I demand that, or even ask....but she doesn't even offer. It wasn't that which got to me, it was the fact I realized just how darn tired I was. And not just physically like a good day or two at poolside would recharge me.....No, I really began to take stock in how tired I was and am in totality.

It my muscles, my eyes, my heart, my soul. I'm so tired of trying to hold everything together as far as finances go, my spirituality, my job, my health, prayers for my family. I harken back to an entry I made here close to two years back, and then suddenly the idea of running away seemed like a plausible fantasy again. For a few brief minutes I pretended I was married to someone else, living somewhere else, working somewhere else. I thought of vacations I never took in my life, but the ones I took in my alternate fantasy. I dreamed of my kids I would never have and an affectionate wife who placed "us" as a priority instead of a bowling league.

And for 30 seconds I imagined I was infact gone, home in heaven, never to look back at this crap. It seemed that the crap was in fact never ending, not measured in year to year, or crap measured by month to month, but the crap I sometimes feel I can measure day to day, and sometimes even hour to hour.

Then I realized I'd been in the shower a godo 20 minutes, so I better suck it up and get out it, once again pushing down those empty feelings into a ball I now try and hide deep down inside myself and pretend they aren't there.....until the next time I am alone and a failure message from the Enemy creeps in and trie sto remind me what a failure everything is and this whole God thing and pill thing and prayer thing just isn't doing anything. I know all this is baloney, but why does it garb me so hard and do such an excellent job of paralyzing me?

Bah Humbug

2010-12-01T15:43:00.000-08:00

Well, here's to hoping everyone had a special and great Thanksgiving. Mine was pretty nice. It was kinda low-key and held at my sister-in-laws house. I did fairly well on the eating; although I had two complete dinner servings, I was a good boy and stayed away from having any dessert or yam's, and kept the adult drinking in check. My sister and brother-in-law were very good hosts and it was a little tamer this year as all my nephews and step-daughter were not in attendance.

I spent my 4 days off of work catching up on some TV, working on a train model I am building, going to the gym and working out hardcore at least twice. Maybe a little too hard as my body still feels a bit achy and sore 3 days after the fact.

Been taking my pills as I should be, although I still tend to forget my nightly supplements on occassion (Fish Oil tablets and Vitamin D), but overall have cut way back on my drinking. The Lipitor alternative continues to make me tired and on days like today I feel I could fall asleep at 2pm in the afternoon if I don't force myself to be active.

My wife had an emergency root canal yesterday: $259 was our portion of the bill that was of course unexpected. An additional $259 we don't have but had to pay. Looks like breakfasts will be skipped again this week and generic sandwiches for lunch and as much tuna, rice, and soup as we can eat this week. Oh well....what can you do?

Christmas is upon is in less than 4 weeks now and the feeling hasn't kicked in yet. Due to our finances, we have opted to not buy presents for our family this year. We recently had to explain to both sides why, and they were understanding. Instead, I'll be charged with making a Christmas Eve dinner in which I've been designing the menu the last few days. One thing I can do is cook. God gave me that skill and I always get rave reviews for my meals. This year will be Italian....it's a tad cheaper and easier to do as much of it can be preped the day before.

Usually, the day after Thanksgiving I traditionally put out the Christmas lights. Didn't happen...yet. I ended up helping my neighbors with theirs, and by the time we were all done, it was too late and cold to tackle my house. I was going to do it on Sunday, but then it rained in the morning, and the rest of the day was too cold yet again. We also battled an ant invasion due to the cold snap and rain....ugh. I work all week and this Saturday we have plans in which I won't be home. So by the time I get around to it, it'll be Dec. 5th, and if I feel anything then like how I feel now, I won't be doing it then either. At least my wife hasn't got on my case about it. As a matter of fact she hasn't even put away her Halloween decorations inside the house from last month, so she's letting me pass on this.

Other bad news is my work ended up terminating people again today. Practically the same day as a year ago. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so work has been tense with a black cloud of moral hanging over everyones heads. I'm thnakful everyday for my job even though at times I'm bored out of my skull and fantasize about diffrent careers.....but I got to get through the next 13 months unscathed before the pressure begins to lift off my shoulders and chest.

I have a blood test coming up in the next few weeks. Gonna re-check my cholesterol. Hopefully it's gone down this time. I've tried much harder to be good (although not every day is perfect). More fish. More turkey. More water. More fiber. More excercise. Less booze. Less dairy. So we'll see. If not, then I don't know what's next.

Anxiety attack

2010-11-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

I can't pinpoit the exact reason, but last night at about 6pm, I felt the early signs of an anxiety/panic attack.

I hadn't had one for some time, but I probably worked myself up for various reasons yesterday. I'm sure most of it had to do with finances....We have property taxes, mortgage, home owners insurance, both vehicle registration all due within the coming weeks including Christmas. I have 13 more car payments to make on my car before I can breathe a little easier, but of course that's a year from now and doesn't do me any good today.

Couple that with the revelation of my step-daughters negative viewpoint on religion and her 'graduation' from independant study yesterday...of course with no plan moving forward at this point (no plans for college, no plans to get sa drivers license, no idea on what she wants to do, etc).

By the time I got home from work yesterday, I felt that tightening happening in my chest. The feel of adrenaline building up in a ball just behind my sternum with nowhere to go, no outlet. My body getting an occasional shiver of ice running through my veins and my jaw tense enough I realized my teeth were hurting from clenching down.

It's supposed to be the start of the Holidays....where I should be able to relax and let go and thinking about a turkey and mash potatoe induced coma, but instead I'm on edge.

I ended up taking a Clonzapen before our dinner last night in which we were to 'celebrate' my daughter's graduation. I took it at home and thank goodness it kicked in by the time we got to the restaraunt. I felt a little 'high', or as close to that feeling I can describe without being on illict substances, and proceded to make it through dinner much more relaxed and 'floaty'.

We got home at around 9pm and I took the hottest shower I could stand and was in bed reading by 9:30, lights out at 10.

I feel better for the most part this morning, although my wife and I had a discussion about money again this morning (my bad...I brought it up, but I had to before I went to work, as things in the 'joint' account seemed a tad off to me and I couldn't leave it be without knowing what this check was for).

All in all here's to hoping I (and you) have a decent and great Thanksgiving. I know I am going to try hard and relax....but is that really relaxing if I have to try so hard, or is that considered a job?

Step-daughter and spirituality

2010-11-23T13:42:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a disturbing trend developing under my roof as of late, and I didn't realize how bad it is/was until just a few minutes ago.

I try not to pry or 'spy' on my step daughter's life; in actuality I look forward to the day she moves out of my house and I can reclaim a little piece of additional peace and quiet back in my home.

She'll be 19 in a few months, and fiercely independant and very opinionated, sometimes angry at the world. That's why I hope and pray this is just a stage or phase she is going through like many youth before her, but since I didn't go through this stage myself, I cannot relate.

I came across some of her recent Facebook postings, and while not yet proclaiming to be an atheist, much of her subject matter has an anti-religion slant in general. I can't help but notice either that many of her 'online' friends she surrounds herslef are infact very vocal about there being no God, that religion does more harm than good, that all Christians and all denominations are sheep, and we have no brains for ourselves.

I'm very bothered by this. It both saddens me very deeply and also angers me at the same time. I cannot force religion down her throat, and apparantly all the best Godly advice I've ever given her and examples fo myself going to church has had no affect.

This is the last thing I want to get into her with, or bring to her mothers attention (my wife is a believer, but doesn't go to church herself), but needless to say I'm very concerned this is happening and this attitude prevails under my roof. Granted, I'm not the ideal Christian myself, but I can't help but feel I have failed somwhere in here and she is exposed and reinforced by wordly and secular viewpoints that all just seem so bitter and angry.

If you're a believer will you pray for my step-daughter for a change (instead of me)...to soften her heart and let the Holy Spirit minsister to her when the time is right?

Short week

2010-11-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

Not everything is always gloomy in my life.

I was thinking about the tone here the last couple of entries and it does seem to skew to the negative side of things. But I can't possibly have a bad day everyday can i? No, as a matter of fact there are bright moments as well.

I may not have all the money I'd like to have to alleviate some burdens, I may no longer have the very athletic body I once did, may not have the perfect marriage, or job, or temperment, or solid Christian faith I desire to have, but I do have good times.

This past Saturday as it poured rain outside, I was able to play my Xbox game and had a blast. I've been enjoying reading both a crime novel and a biography on model railroading (a passion I recently discovered the last 2 years). I enjoy good food, and I really do have some great friends. I don't say that often enough. I had a few hours with a few of this weekend. One took me to lunch on Sunday, another took me to lunch on Friday, and yet another invited me over Saturday night to hang out and it was good quality time.

Then there's my dog. I love him so much, and even after 5 years he still can play like a puppy and be as silly and entertaining as ever. I love when he snuggles up to me on a cold night, or sits on my lap in the morning as I have a cup of coffee. As I sit and type this entry I am looking at a picture of my little guy standing on his hind legs, staring out my bedroom window intently, watching the world go by in his eyes. He won't be here forever....his time with me is statistically 1/3rd over and I just wish I could spend even more time with him. He has taught me so much patience and love.

I enjoying discovering new eateries with good company, and I love me a good BBQ.

I enjoy that the Holiday's are here, even though this years Christmas won't be about presents. I'm actually looking forward to going to my sister-in-laws house for a meal I don't have to cook, and I enjoy both my parents and my in-laws....for real.

I look forward to when our company shuts down for 10 straight days and I'll be home enjoying building a model, playing a game, going to the gym, eating what I want, and reading my books.

Just wanted to share some positive stuff for once.

The Forgotten update (Part III)

2010-11-17T10:33:00.000-08:00

Why am I so bad at this? I'm usually pretty darn good on follow through in other aspects in my life, but I have a convienent tendancy to update this blog when I really want to. I wonder if that is a subconscious defense mechanism on my behalf?

In a way, maybe it's a good thing to space these out the way they are...so much happens in such short time frames, I figure by the time I write something, it's already changed again.

So in no particular order....

Medication: I've been off my pills for about two weeks now. It always happens by forgetting that one in the morning, and before you know, I foget again by day to, and then day 3, and soon it's 2 weeks. I feel 'okay' for the most part, nothing super wild has happened to make my mood swing in eitehr direction. I've been fairly busy...at work and at home and a few social engagements that I suppose my mind has not had a chance to get trapped into thinking about the things I generally get mired too deep in. So why am I writing about this today? Because yesterday my wife called me to remind me to go to CVS and pick up my perscription refill last night. When I opened the door, she was there with my step-daughter and neighbor and made an innocent quip about "Got your 'happy' pills?"

I secretly hate when she mentions this, innocent or not. Especially in front of my step-daughter and neighbor. Great...let's hand out fliers to the cul-de-sac and let them know a potentially bi-polar enighbor whose been known to sob uncontrollably one minute and flash anger the next live on the corner. Thank goodness my wife has never heard me discuss the my thoughts when I was at my lowest a couple of years ago...I'd hate to let it slip that yours truly was praying for the ultimate God visit.

Step-daughter: Supposedly graduates with her GED equivelant in two weeks (a year late mind you). Any plans beyond that? Nope. No discussion of community college or trade school or moving out. No direction. No driver's license. No state ID for that matter. I secretly want her gone. I want my house back. I want the spare room back....and clean (it's so dirty now). I want the peace and quiet back from her 'know-it-all' attitude. I imagine in the next few months we'll have to sit down with her and get her to commit to some kind of plan on way or the other or move-out. It's getting the support from my wife that's going to be hard. That seems to flip flop one day to the next.

Finances: Well, I can honestly say the blood-letting has stopped as far as I can tell. We're far from being out of the woods, but at least we aren't sinking or burying ourselves any further. We signed up with a Christain debt counseling service and submitted all our stuff, but it seems to be taking much longer than I anticipated to get this thing off the ground. Right now we have cancelled all her credit cards and most of mine and are waiting for them to let us know the next step. I may have to ping them on this today.

We did combine our accounts, and I have a better idea on what we are spending, but I'm a tad disapointed my wife seems only semi-serious about this whole thing. I suspect she's counting on me to 'take-over' because she shows little effort and only partial restraint in keeping tabs on the combined account, but when I do question a few things she gets defensive all over again and has a convient answer for everything. So while the overall situation has improved, it's not where I'd like to see it, or where she originally agreed upon.

As far as our relationship together goes, it too has improved, but still has it's moments. My wife is fiercly independant and while I can admire some aspects of that, other times it's just spiteful stuborness. Still can't get her to go to church with me or cut back her smoking. I don't like some of her surprises as they are decisions that also impact me and I still feel I'm the last person to find out at times. On the flipside, she does tell me she loves me more than she used to, does things for me here and there, but still not outwardly affectionate.

Anyway, I think that about sums everything up for now, so hopefully next entry will see a new chapter or topic.

Interlude: I snapped

2010-10-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

This posts origin has at least one of its tendrils in our recent financial woes.

About 1.5 weeks ago, I got the property tax invoice from the county, and the first payment of two is due around the first week of December. I can't pay it. The only way I can is to take a loan out on my 401K, which I have never done since I started saving money in a 401k almost 20 years ago.

As I also alluded to in my last entry, my wife and I are combining accounts, and it's taking longer than it should be. Of course my wife feels out of control when her company screwed up the first attempt at direct deposit, and God forbid she actually stay on top of it herself and follow-up with anyone. Same thing happened with her debt consolidation....it was magically going 'nowhere'...until I jumped in and took control. It's not just my wife. I really hate the excuse no matter who it is: "I called and left a message a week ago and am awaiting a call back." Um, ever heard the saying 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'? Especially when it comes to money. I follow up and if someone doesn't call me back when they say, I don't wait another week and cross my fingers. No, I call the next day. I write down names and times. Yeah, maybe that's anal, and perhaps taking on more than I usually have to, but as yet another saying goes "If you want done things right, you gotta do it yourself." Problem is, I've been doing that so long (that is taking the reigns) I've learned I really can't trust others to follow through.....or perhaps they are the smart ones and I'm the idiot because they know if they 'slack' long enough, I'll do it eventually.

Whoa, I really do have ADHD, I'm so far off topic right now.

Okay, coming back around....

So in addition to that, we've been shorthanded at work and I've been having to cover other people. It was also my review at work, so I've been trying even harder to put out that extera effort and be visible and not complain about things. It's also been raining and my poor dog can't get a decent walk in. My stepdaughter has been putting us through the ringer (any 18 year old will do that) and my cholesterol medicine makes me super tired. I mean I can fall asleep at my desk if given the chance, so I've actually been going to bed earlier at night to compensate. I've missed church a few times, beating myself up in my head, and trying to make up for it my reading the Word, listening to Christian radio, and even woke up early on Sunday to watch a televangelist at 6:30am the other day.

Through all this, I forgot to take my 'happy pills' here and there on occasion so my chemistry is a bit unstable.

So the other day, I was going through my regular boring routine, taking note of yet another 'rinse and repeat' type of day when my mother called. Well, she's a tad impatient as well, but in another realm of my own impatience. She was a bit miffed and felt 'inconvienced' when I didn't call her back from the message she left me at home or on my cell phone. The thing is I hadn't been home yet to hear the message, and since I was in meeting all day at work, my cell phone was on mute. So I missed the 5 attempts she tried getting a hold of me in three hours. Yes, 5 attempts in three hours...all for an umbrella....a $15 dollar umbrella she thought she left at my house and was pissed she couldn't find it, and apparently I need to be on 30 second response duty for said umbrella whereabouts.

So, when I explained to her I hadn't been home, why not try calling my daughter or wife, she exclaimed she already did. So, lets review shall we? In the span of three hours my mother called my wife, my stepdaughter on her cellphone, and 5 times to me. That's 7 times looking for a $15 umbrella. When I did finally get a hold of her to tell her the umbrealla wasn't on our porch, she grilled me why I don't pick up my phone and then jumped to the conclusioon one of my neighbors stole it. I tried to explain logically that's ridiculous....who would go on our porch, in the dark, and even know the umbrealla is there to begin with to steal? There isn't a rash of umbrella thieves in the area that I'm aware of.

Needless to say, I was then told I was being rude and the next time I needed 'help' of any kind, don't bother calling her. That hurt my feelings. So....with all the stuff piling up as of late...and perhaps the lack of happy pills....I snapped. I went from minding my own business/content...to a sailor on a verbal bender the likes of which I haven;t done in years. My hot button was pushed, and if I were a cartoon, you'd see steam shooting from both ears, my eye's popping out, and my forehead turning bright red.

By the time I got off the phone it was all I could do to not pick up the closest object in huck it across the room. At this point my wife came home and tried to calm me down, and the best thing she could do (and she did) was listen to me vent. Oh, and I vented. For a good half hour straight. I used more curse words in that 30 minutes that I think I've used in the last year.

I ended up pouing myself a drink (not smart, or an answer to any problem by the way kids), and then taking a super hot shower to drain my stress and anger away, but not before I almost broke my hand by punching a tile wall (also stupid, but luckily no damage).

An hour later, once my rational mind came back into play, I realized right then and there why it is important to be diligent in taking my pills. I was a raving verbal lunatic, who knows how long I was simmering like that just under the surface.

So here we are a few days later: I've made sure I've taking my pill everday since then. And my mom called yesterday to apologize. After some reflection, she beleives she was in the wrong for the things she said and how she handled the situation over an umbrella. I didn't tell her about my rage afterwards, but I forgive her and myself and I realize I hate that part of me...the wild man with a potty mouth....but sometimes the stress is so much. God, it is so much.

There's a song by a band called 'Depeche Mode' that's entitled "Try walking in my shoes" To me it's so apropos:

I would tell you about the things
They put me through
The pain I've been subjected to
But the Lord himself would blush
The countless feasts laid at my feet
Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes

Morality would frown upon
Decency look down upon
The scapegoat fate's made of me
But I promise now, my judge and jurors
My intentions couldn't have been purer
My case is easy to see

I'm not looking for a clearer conscience
Peace of mind after what I've been through
And before we talk of any repentance
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you come to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept
If you try walking in my shoes
You'll stumble in my footsteps
Keep the same appointments I kept

If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes
If you try walking in my shoes
Try walking in my shoes

The Forgotten Updated (part II)

2010-10-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

Actually, this really isn't what I wanted to talk about at all today, but looking back at my last post, I know I said this would be the next entry.

Financially, a lot has happened to both my wife and I over the course of our marriage. Notice that I don't say 'our' financials, because up until very recently (and still not 100% completed) our finances were seperate.

I won't rehash history here (that's what the archives are for), but to put it out there simply here is the brief synopsis: 1) My wife had filed for bankruptcy just prior to our marriage, 2) She's not very good with money or understanding the responsibility of money, 3) We bought a house on the upswing of the market probably paying a tad bit more than we should have, 4) I had a nice paying job that I lost and was unemployed for a few month eventually taking a lower paying job, 5) My 11 year old car died and I bought a new car and financed it for 4 years with larger than I'd liek to admit monthly payments, 6) My step-daughetr came to live with us full time, thus increasing all our monthly bills and responsibilities, without the raises in this economy to make that transition easier, 7) My wife never learned her lesson and despite my constant pleading ran up a new set of credit cards she eventually couldn't pay for. 8) We both dislike our jobs, make less than we did 5 years ago and our bills have increased.

Sound like 75% of the rest of the country? Yeah, I don't expect much sympathy. I will tell you that I don't look for handouts or try to cheat the government, and I although neither one of us may care for our jobs or the people that are a part of them, we both work hard and at times have picked up occasional side jobs or began selling things of ours, or cutting out previous luxuries and making plenty of sacrifices along the way.

At times it seems it's all I can do to keep our heads above water. We have eaten plenty of spaghetti, many of PB&J sandwiches for lunch, or just plain skip breakfast. We've learned to shop with coupons, take advantage of sales, buy generic, and stretch things out as long and as far as we can. My wife has made tremendous strides forward in this realm lately, but it took her getting pounded into the sand again even with all the warning signs and headsup one can give before she really recognized the situation.

It used to really bother me, and I'll admit, it still does at times that she used to 'dismiss' my financial advice, thinking I was more of a nag or combative than I was a person trying to guide her. I used to say "Why would I steer you wrong? What happens to you, both directly and indirectly affects me. It in in yours, mine, and "our" best interest to look at your spending habits." I think she may be honest today in saying that she was in denial before. What I would say and she would dismiss, her parents would then backup what I was saying all along, and then she'd be okay with it, as if tehre was no way I could possibly know what I was talking about, despite the fact my credit was stellar and hers was in the shitter.

A few months back, the old pattern came back around and culminated once again with various creditors and bancks calling our house at all times of the day looking for my wife. Her strategy? Run and hide and maybe they'll go away. On the contrary, fees began piling up again, the calls didn't stop and now letters coming to the door. I told her I couldn't and wouldn't help anylonger. That's the truth....I was/am still having my own financial issues and already gave up so much that I didn't have just spare change lying about to hand out. At one point I was literally rolling tubes of pennies to take to the gas station to put gas in my car.

My wife finally turned to her parents, and thank goodness they put their own foot down and didn't cave in like last time. Now they wanted to see my wifes bank records, canceled statements, and demanded she cut up her cards before they even entertained helping/bailing her out again. I finally got the support I was looking for....I imagine it was there all along actually, but my wife was so embarrassed and running out of stories and excuses to keep her parents and I from all getting on the same page and piece together what the heck happened.

It was one of those very long nights again, when my mother-in-law showed up at our house, and patiently, yet firmly and lovingly, made my wife lay all her cards out on the table. I even learned a few things that night I was both surprised and furious with. My fury gave way to disapointment and then to a sense of 'helplessness'. I recall sitting on our couch doing all the math in my head once I got an idea of the 'whole picture', and I resigned myself to the fact that I'll never being going on any vaction anytime soon, or I'll have to retire late in life (if at all) and that my favorite hobbies and dreams of today (what little are left to begin with) all have to be shelved yet again.

As I heard my wife speak more and more about 'her' (and what is really 'our') situation, my mind forgot we were even married. A few thoughts I had: 1) How the hell did I not see this coming? 2) How did she allow this to happen yet again? 3) Is she seriously thinking that everything is okay? Is she that blind? That far in denial? That far out of touch in reality? 4) How many more crappy sandwiches am I going to have to eat? 5) When can I buy myself any new toy, book, game, or small gadget? 6) And yes, "Why did I marry her again? My life was so much more simple and carefree and secure when I was single...

To be continued......

The Forgotten Update (Part I)

2010-09-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

I just realized I left two big things out there from almost a month ago and haven't said anything since.

One was in reagrds to me visiting the doctor, and the other was my wife's (and thus mine as well by default) financial issues.

Well, I'll tackle the health one here in this post.

Approx. two weeks ago I had my physical. It went 'okay' and I explained to the doctor some of my 'bleeding' issues below. The doctor took a look at my bum, if you will, and used a device to look a bit 'more closely'. It was a tad uncomfortable, and the doctor didn't see anything out of place or abnormal. Most likely it is brough on by stress, and I'm happy to say I haven't bled in close to two months now.

I've dropped a few pounds since last year. I'm currently 227lbs, down from 236 last year, but of course the doctor would like to see me closer to 200-210 for my height and frame.

My blood work came back pretty much normal, liver looks good, white blood cell count, blah, blah, blah. However, my cholesterol is still a bit high. I'm in the 220 range and so the doctor put me on a perscription of generic Lipitor and I need to go back in two months. I still contend I eat somewhat healthier than the average person, and while I don't workout as much as I used to, I still am a bit more active than the average person.

It must be genetics, because as I explained to the doctor I can't even remember the last time I had shrimp, lobster, eggs, or whole milk. I use egg substitute, drink 1% milk if and when I actually drink milk, and really cut back on the buffalo wings (a personal favorite I crave).

Doctor told me to get my heart rate up when I exercise (i.e. fast walking or bike riding instead of weight lifting), eat much more fish and veggies, and cut back on red meats. So these last two weeks I have done just that. I've been eating a higher fiber cereal, cutting back on any cheese (not eliminating, but cutting back), having tuna and more fish, and steamed veggies with Smart Balance butter. I may start taking fish oil tablets as well. I also rode the bike at the gym this last weekend and will do so again this weekend as well.

Anyway, I go back in two months to see if I improved.

As far as the Happy Pills go, I'm on a new regime of 'Citropram'(?), basically a Lexapro substitute. I started off on 20mg, and now am down to 10mg a day. They usually say it takes at least 2-3 weeks for your body to adjust, but I could tell in just one week. I do feel more 'even keel' and I know this stuff works. My mood swings are much more controlled that before and I haven't had a 'crying' fit since. The only side effect: sexual. How do I say this in the best decorum(?): I can still get aroused, there is no issue there at all.....but it's hard for me to achieve a 'finished state' which can be a bit frustrating for both of us, but probably moreso for myself. I get right to the 'edge', and then stay there until I'm too tired or sore to continue, and thus I'm the one that feels a bit cheated in the end.

Next: financials

Is my wife starting to take notice?

2010-08-27T08:44:00.000-07:00

By nature, both my wife and I are not morning people. I do adjust a lot faster in the AM than my wife does once I have a cup of coffee. I tend to be usually much more active and productive in the morning than most people once I have my caffiene, but I do tend to operate alone. I'm not one for small talk, idle banter, or "cheery good mornings" first thing upon waking.

Neither is my wife. She actually tends to sleep in a bit longer than myself, although she does go to bed a bit later than me on average as well. However, I noted that the last few weeks, she has been sleeping less and even getting up earlier than me during the week, whereas I have actually been sleeping a bit better and later.

I usually get up at around 6:15 and feed the dog by 6:30, and very rarely do I get to go back to bed for any kind of snoozing. Lately, however, since my wife has been getting up earlier and feeding the dog, I've been lucky and been able to sleep in until 7am or even 7:15.

Why the chnage in my wifes behavior?

Her own stress.

As I mentioned, it's been a little dicey as of late with our finances. I've been doing my best taking care of the big things, and trying to cover her shortfalls as well, but this has drained our saving (I should say 'my' saving as we have seperate accounts) where I can't cover her anylonger. I think she knows this now. We both have made plenty of sacrifices over the last year, and even more so over the last couple of months.

It's been a struggle, but we survive. There's been no vacations, no luxuries, no frivolous spendings. There has been more bagged lunches, cheap dinners, and making other household goods stretch a bit further and longer.

It's been an adjustment for both of us, and while I can't say it's been easy or that I like it, we've been dealing with it. What else can we do but deal with it? But I really can't make any more sacrifices myself. Other than a single magazine subscription that I just renewed and the occasional used book or discounted game, there really isn't anything left for me to cut out. (A nice side benefit I suppose is the fact I'm hardly buying any more liquor either....just an odd side note).

But how did we get here? Well, as I've said before, and I think I am being as honest and fair as I can possibly be, my wife hasn't done us any favors in the past with her spending habits. No, she doesn't go out and buy $200 dresses or $100 shoes. She doesn't drive a fancy car or expensive furniture. She does however tend to put a lot of crap on credit cards including lunches with girlfriends. She gets her nails done a lot, and seems to get a lot of other small stuff. The problem is this: her credit cards are already at very high interest rates and all she does is make the minimum payments. She is also generous with her friends for lunches, also charging these, and maybe the generosity is always 'reciprocated'. So over time, the interest alone is beginning to outpace what she can pay onthe minimum payments. Now it didn't happen overnight, but despite my warnings and naggings and her assurances....what wasn't supposed to happen did....I'm just the only one who isn't in denial about it.

Okay, that's neither here nor there at this point. Suffice to say my wife's current paychecks are basically spent now as soon as she gets them....either to credit card companies or 'fees' assessed by the bank on bounced checks and overdraft protection. It's not that I am ignorant of any of this, it's just that I kinda gave up for right now and find my stress level is much lower if I don't know every detail.

Well, while this may work a bit for my stress, it apprantly has caught up with my wife and now she is stressed out...much more than she leads on.

So this morning, as I came downstairs, getting my coffee fix, and trying to wake myself up, my wife begins to talk to me of her own free will:

I guess she went to her mother sometime this last week and asked for her mother to co-sign a loan fro $10k. This will supposedly pay off her credit cards, and also get the bank off her back. She told me that she has already closed one account and that she is going to get rid of her public storage unit that she is 2 payments behind on (and something I've been lobbying to get rid of for years). She wants to close her checking account and have her check deposited into my account and allow me to be in charge of all the bills. I would give her a weekly allowance. She even mentioned she may have to temporarily give up her *bowling* league for a season (a re-occuring weekly cost of $25-50 every Monday evening).

So I think it is finally sinking into her that she is over her head and all her hard work and long hours is only covering her late fees and interest...that past actions and decisons *she* made has put *us* in a bind.

Now is it 100% her doing? No. I've done a few splurgings on occassion. I've let my eyes be bigger than my wallet here and there. But our situation is 80% my wife and 20% me. I know that may not seem fair or nice, but since we do have seperate accounts, and money isn't pooled, it's easy for me to do the math. I know exactly everything I pay for, and while it's tight, and I skip a lunch here and there, I don't have the bank calling me up and I do not have late fees.

So here's the big caveat to the loan fro my wife. Her mother only agreed to co-sign if we both had a sit down talk with her and bring our bank statements. Her mother admitted this may be a huge invasion of privacy, but I can't blame her. She isn't going to go in on a loan for her daughter if she can't get an accurate accounting of where the current money is going.

I really don't have a problem with this at all. I have nothing to be ashamed of or hide from my mother-in-law. My accounting is rock solid and my spending habits can be all justified. I think my wife is more nervous, as now she won't just have to passify me, but now explain to her mom and most likely her dad. I feel a stern, yet loving, lecture coming our way, and I'm okay with it.

I think her parents need to know. They need to know that I am doing my very best, that I'm not just spending willy-nilly, that my own advice to my wife has never sunk in and I can't cover her anylonger. To me, this actually may be a saving grace moment. I won't be alone in this struggle any longer and my wife can't be in denial any more either. It will relieve some stress off my back as I feel the knowledge is out there. She is going to have to make some promises and deals with her parents....and I'm okay with that.

I am thankful that my wife came to me and seems to understand the severity of our financial issues. That we can't continue to live paycheck to paycheck, barely keeping our eyes above water. I hope that this may even bring us closer together. That she trusts me with her money and knows that I have both of our best interests at heart. That I'm not going to lose my cool or top, and use this situation as a building process moving forward.

I know this is a longer than usual post, but it feels good to get it out there. Now as I pointed out to my wife this morning, it's up to her to get this ball rolling. If she's serious, she needs to start putting this all in motion and commit to a time frame. She has a tendency to have all these ideas, but never follows through on them. Well, I'm here to support her, but I'm not going to drive this. She says she'd liek to have this all taken care of (and close down the storage unit) by Nov. 1.

We'll see.

Hey Doc...

2010-08-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

I received a letter in the mail yesterday from my local health care provider. It seems that my general practioner would like me to come in and re-check my blood work and check teh status of my higher than normal cholesterol.

Whether it was a computerized booking or something he actually though of himself, I'm glad someone is paying attention, because Lord knows I'm not. See, during my last physical (somewhere around a year, maybe more) the doctor said that despite what appears to be looking healthy on the outside, isn't always the case on the inside, and that my cholesterol was higher than it should be for my age (then 39). He requested that I drop a few pounds, change some dietary habits, get more exercise, etc.

The strange thing is that for the most part I do all these things already. I rarely eat junk food, I'm more muscular than the average male my age (I still go to the gym, just not as much as I'd like to or sometimes have the energy for), I don't smoke or do illicit drugs, and I eat a fair amount of greens. My biggest weakness: cheese and chicken wings. Well, I've really cut back on the buffalo wings (a treat for me), I use egg substitute, I've lost around 8 lbs since last year, and I try and make a mental note of the amount of red meat and cheese I eat. I still eat cheese, but try for 2% where I can and I also trim more fat of my steaks. So hopefully, my cholesterol wil improve. But now that I have 2 weeks until my appointment, I can make more of an effort between now and then to really eat right.

I'm glad I'm going to the doctor for my physcial as well. I still have some occasional issues I think are related to stress and some other concerns. This last year my father had his prostrate removed due to cancer. My father is on the road to full recovery as it was caught early on. My father's side of the family has a predisposition to certain cancers so I need to talk to my doc about pre-screening.

I'm also experiencing some other issues. To be frank, and excuse the graphic nature of this, I've been having some anal bleeding epsiodes here and there. Last year it was bad. Bright red blood and I went to the emergency room because there was a lot of blood. It eventually cleared up, but it was undetermined if I had a fissure, or ulcer, or something else. It looks fine down there, but I notice when I drink a bit, have spicy food, or under stress....I bleed. I need to really talk to him about that and maybe have a colonoscopy...just to be safe.

In other news, and it is brighter: The Lord answered a prayer for me/us in regards to some finances. My aunt came through with a nice sized check to help us get out of some tight spots.

I've been sleeping pretty good despite the very warm weather as of late (it's been in the mid to upper 90's this last week), and my hives/chronic uticaria has not made a return thus far this year.

I've been enjoying a new video game called 'Dead Space' and reading a lot more. I actually started a new novel earlier this week (400+ pgs), and I'm already 1/3rd done.

Work is still boring, but my few day vacation is coming up next week. I'll have 5 days off wrapped around Labor Day, and even though I'll be staying home, I'm very excited to just hang out at my house and try my hardest to relax. Depends on how how it will be.

I've also been listening to a lot of Christian talk radio as of late. I enjoy it, but at the same time, I am constantly convicting myself and tend to get a little worried. I keep trying to remind myself that we are forgivem have faith, we are new creatures in Christ, but man, these guys on the radio can really drag you down sometimes and make people like me worry about everything.

To be honest, and I've said it before, sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. Now that I know the Lord and the Good News, there is a battle that rages on between my spiritual and secular side, and we all know that Satan just loves to whisper in our ears. He reminds me he's around, stalking me constantly, the first to point out when I trip.

Maybe it's just me, but when I trip or stumble, I really feel that Satan really lets me know this. But Jesus is a little more subtle and not as forward when he lifts me back up or tries to support me. I wish it were reveresed, but whose issue is that? Mine? Dunno.

It was a warm one

2010-08-23T09:20:00.000-07:00

Well, the mild weather we've been having as of late has finally broke and are heat wave is here, albeit a bit late this summer. Our neighboorhood starting at around last Thursday has been warm enough now to finally run the A/C. According to the weatherman we can expect this heat (mid 90's) for the majority of this week as well.

The thing about the heat..it tends to make us all just a bit crankier than usual, it has the ability to suck all our energy out of our system, and it tends to make us stay home more. That last one is not a bad thing, we just don't want to be ouut in the heat, so I suppose that saves us some money, although what we save we'll probably spend on the A/C bill in a few weeks.

So things have seemed relatively normal (at least normal for us) this week which is kinda nice change of pace and mental scenery. Just some tidbits of this last week:

I did stay at work all week long. Tempted as I was, I didn't go home early or take any time off despite being bored out of my skull most of the time. Got bills to pay.
I did put in a formal request for Sep. 2nd & 3rd off. My wife will be out of town for a few days, and this will allow me to hang out at my house to just do some 'me' things. Most likely work on one of my models. I'll play a video game, catch up on some movies, and try my best to relax. I may even invite my father out one day for lunch and even do some more 'purging' of household items.
My dog turned 5 last week. I have mixed emotions about this event. I love him so very, very much....more than I can ever express without sounding insane and insensitive to my family. But the fact is, his life is about 1/3rd over and I'm so so scared of that final day. He got a peanut butter cake and a toy.
I finished the novel "The Art of Racing in the Rain". Loved it, although the overall tone was sad. Now I splurged yesterday (didn't tell my wife I spent $8, after coupon) and bought myself a new science fiction book I am very excited to start today at lunch.
I didn't drink at all this weekend. I haven't being feeling to well...most likely the heat and my low energy level, so there was no craving for beer or booze, and I feel just fine.
I did go to church yesterday. It was a bit longer than usual. I'm not crazy about the songs, and there was two more than usual yesterday, but the message was very, very good, and somewhat convicting. It's quite obvious to me and the man in the mirror that additional changes need to be made, once I find the courage and energy to take the first step.
A friend confided in me that he and his wife are seperating as a trial. He had an affair 3 years ago, and while his wife forgave him, he hasn't forgiven himself. He is hurting in his shame and feels unworthy in the eyes of the Lord. He came to me and I tried to counsel him the best I could, also sharing some of my own secrets and feelings about my own marriage and my struggle with depression. Hopefully we will meet up this upcoming weekend and I can witness to him. God please give me the right words and the right ears to listen and give yoru advice, and not the advice of the world.
A prayer of mine was answered this last week. A relative, an agnostic one that I've been praying for for years, surprised me by sending me a financial check....no strings attached. It was enough to cover some shortcomings in our household finances and truly a Godsend.
It was too hot for the gym this weekend. I feel like I should have gone, but I just had no energy.
My wife and I are getting along fine this past week, kinda like we used to so early on in our marriage. I like it. This relaxes me and puts me in a state of calm. Thank you Jesus.
I desire a road trip. I'm hoping next year, maybe even early on, say late March or early April my wife and I can take a driving vacation for a week. Not sure exactly sure where. If we had more money I'd love to fly to the east coast. I really want to see things out there, but I'm just not sure we afford it at that time.
Although it's only Monday....I feel good right now. Here's hoping this last for a week and ahlaf before my time off.

Busy and burnt

2010-08-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

It's Wed. morning and I'm feeling a little burnt out....again.

It's been a bit busier at work since the end of last week, but I'm not sure if it's due to real issues, the fact that there have been a lot of people out due to vacation, training, or sickness, or because one of my bosses likes to hear himself talk, ergo the over drawn out meetings that take an hour to say something that should only take ten minutes.

Either way, since I started thinking about it almost two weeks ago, I can't stop thinking about taking a few days off. I just don't know when. One of my bosses will be gone all next week, so I'm not going to waste that golden time. This week is half over and two guys in my department are out the whole week as well, and another one is working a modified schedule. That equates to our department being short handed, and there have literally been issues every single day thus far where I guess I'd feel guilty for taking a day off.

It's self punishment mixed in with a sprinkle of guilt. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think that I need to put in a good showing and make my presence known when we are short handed. I'm also probably the only person that is actually thinking that though.

Today's lunch in PB&J sandwiches and a thing of Yoplait yogurt. Dinner last night was a baked potato smothered in canned Chili. The night before that was frozen fish and a few steamed vegetables. So boring and unsatisfying. But we are trying to tighten our belt. My daughter had her hours cut to a paltry 10 hours for the whole week. My wife got a final notice for the water bill last night in which I just shake my head. Not sure how that didn't get paid, but apparently she had enough to buy her cigarettes and a 1.75L of Crown Royal and wants us both to go to a concert this Saturday night. Really? You want to go to a concert where the beers are $7 each, plus parking, plus whatever else and we have a final notice on the water bill? Yeah, I'm still living in the Twilight Zone where up is down and left is right.

That pretty much means I can't go to the fair even if I wanted to tomorrow. It sets a bad example if I complain about the water bill, and then I go off to the fair for the day with my friend. Hypocritical? Hell yes. Self defeating? Check.

As I was walking in the door today I was trying to think of that moment in my life where I zigged when I should have zagged. When did it all change to set me down this path? Here's where Christians get all tripped up, including me: pre-destination or free-will? I get a headache just musing about it, so I'll stop while I'm ahead.

My daughter asked me last night during a cooking show, Master Chef, if I would ever do that. We've had this discussion before and my answer is still yes. However, that's all hindsight. If I didn't have a bad back or bad shoulder, and was 20 years old again....sure, I'd love to be a chef.

I'd love to work for myself and do something passionate. Instead, here I sit...feeling trapped due to financial obligations not all of my doing (although I did play a part to be honest), more educated and knowledgeable than my direct superior...but hand-tied in not being able to make a decision with a wishy-washy committee always second guessing everything and are too afraid to commit one way or another. (nice run on sentence there)

Interuption.....My boss just sent me an email to invite me to a mandatory meeting this Friday (before his vacation) to discuss, again, ad-nasuem, what we just discussed the otehr day. It hasn't even been a week for crying out loud, and I've been covering other stuff since we are short handed. I HAVE NOTHING NEW TO SAY THAT I HAVEN'T JUST SAID A FEW DAYS AGO. God man...give it a rest.

I have to stop this entry right now before I blow up and go all Flight Attendant ala Steve Slater.

Thursday Check In

2010-08-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

This morning has been my busiest morning in about two weeks. I like it like that. It's just busy enough to make the time go by without really thinking about it, but not so busy and stressful that I feel pressured, rushed, or prone to make mistakes in my work.

I just finished anothr boring sack lunch. Some left over potato salad (we have a ton of it left over from the previosu weekend) and a home made rast beef sandwich. I'm normally okay with sandwiches, but it just seemed to taste a bit old, plain, and unispiring today. The best part was the colby-jack cheese (which I alywas give a pinch, the size of nickle, to my dog...he loves it!). The bread was some psuedo halthy wheat-berry, multi-grain stuff, that just seemed off as well.

I've been taking more lunches to work lately, usually 3 times (sometimes even 4) a week to help save money. Sometimes I don't mind, but lately it's been a bit...um, melancholy to my taste buds? On the flip side, I'm also saving gas money as I'm not driving to a fast food joint, it's portion control, it's quiet, and I also get to read a book. I'm enjoying my novel by Garth Stein. Today, I read close to 50 pages, or just about 1/6th.

I've been thinking about the Amazon Kindle more and more lately. The price has come down quite a bit, but there's something about holding an actual book in my hands that just seems more comforting and real to me than some electronic tablet. That's wierd to me because I generally embrace technology and I like gadgets a lot. But that idea of spending between $139-189 for an 'electronic reading device' just seems a tad high.

As I write this, I have 4 hours left in my 'work' day. Then I have a 1/2 hour commute home. I'll probably being grilling pork chops again....which I do like, and some kind of rice dish. I'll walk my dog most likely, and settle into the rut that is watching TV until 10pm or so and go to bed. We'll also probably stay home again tomorrow night (Friday) as well. Maybe chat with the neighbors a bit, but overall, it'll be a low-key weekend (i.e. spend free) again.

I may take 1 day off next week. I just feel I need too. Maybe the wife and I will go to the county fair before it goes away again until next year. We've gone every year the last 3 years. I like walking around and looking at the art work and the animals and having myself some country food, but big city fairs don't seem to have to have the same flair or feeling as some 'real country fair' like you see in the movies. No, our fair is a city affair, with traffic jams, over-priced rides, and influence from the 'burbs.

Even if we don't go to the fair, I may take the day off anyway. It'll be nice just to sit at home, maybe work on a model, sit in the sun with a book and a fresh brewed glass of ice-tea, maybe do a small project or two at home I've been wanting to tackle for a while.

Heh...3 hours 50 minutes left.

One foot in front of the other

2010-08-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

It's a sunny Tuesday afternoon here and the day just got a bit slow. Overall, my work has been slow now for almost 2 weeks, and I'm doing the best to stretch my projects out as best I can to try and occupy my time.

For the most part I had a pretty decent weekend, that is until my step-daughter and wife got into it yet again for something stupid and trivial. I dislike when they get into arguments, because more times than not, it is generally over the most mundane of topics. In this case they got into an argument over the working of a service warranty of an Apple iTouch. An iTouch that neither of them own, bought, or broke, and for some reason they thought a party in front of 15 neighbors was the appropriate place to have this spirited discussion.

Talk about awkward. My neighbors looked at me, and I kinda just shrugged my shoulders. "What am I gonna do? If they want to make asses of themselves in public, let them." Yeah, I'm not getting involved in something so asinine and inject myself into this. Talk about wasted energy. I don't want to sound aloof and uncaring, but it was so ridiculous I didn't want to tocuh it with the proverbial 10 foot poll. No, I'm not letting this ruin my weekend. I'm trying to pick my battles wisely these day.

Friday night was very low key. I stayed home and watched a few movies. Heh...I've officially become my parents....who would have guessed I would stay home on a Friday night and feel content to watch TV and go to bed at an early hour?

Saturday I weet ahead and smoked a brisket for 6.5 hours and finished it off in the oven. It turned out great, or at least a few of my friends and neighbors thought so. The traditional bbq went off without a hitch, although the smoking itself was much more involved and tiring than I initially thought it woulld be. I wanted to go to the gym, but in the end I didn't.

Sunday was a day of sleeping in (a rarity for me), then some early morning cleaning, followed by working on one of my train models for a good portion of the day. It was fairly relaxing, for the most part, but in the back of my head I knew the floor could be cleaner, but I was too lazy to mop. Again, I wanted to go the the gym, but was just lazy.

My primary reason for me wanting to go to the gym is for health and to drop a few pounds. I'm supposed to be in a wedding in about 2.5 months from now and would really would like to drop between 10-15 lbs. I think I can do it if I 'man' up and stick to my guns. That being said, it's about self control, smaller portions, less carbs, and curbing my social drinking. Might not sound like much, but it's been 3 days since I had a drink. I know that sounds a little strange, but today I am craving a lo-ball tumbler of good whisky over rocks. I like to sip whisky on occassion, and the feeling is a bit stronger than usual today.

Also, I've been a bit sore lately....and not the type of sore from being active, but the sore or achey feelings of not being active. I need to get the old blood pumping, to stretch a bit, to take in some deep breaths, to sweat it out and feel the testosterone and endorphins pumping through my muscles. I love that tight, swollen feeling of hard at work muscles. I'm gonna try for sure to hit the gym both days this weekend.

Next week, I may try and take a day off of work and go to the fair. Not sure if I actually will or not, but I've taking off a day at work at least once the past 3 years to spend a day at the fair with some of my friends. I hate to break tradition, but this year I'm on the fence. To put it bluntly, I'd like to go, but if I don't make it this year...no big deal.

I started reading a new book: The Art of Racing in the Rain, a novel, by Garth Stein. Very touching. It's the world and family dynamics trying to be understood from the view point and narration of the family dog. (Please dear Lord, please I request that my own dog has a soul and I will be reunited with him someday in heaven. Is it weird to think/state that I love my dog that much?) Most of the time people can take a flying leap for all I care. No,..my dog is loyal and loving to the end...as God intended them to be. Thank you Jesus for my my little guy. I wish I could love people in the same capacity, but they just disapoint me in the end.

Thank goodness this summer has been a bit cooler. One of our fans broke in our house last week, and I haven't had the need to replace it yet. It hasn't been hot enough, which is nice, because that means a lower electric bill from not running the AC.

Tonight I'm gonna grill some pork chops and some vegetables. A somewhat healthy dinner and I'm looking forward to it, although I'm not looking forward to going to the store after work.

Finally, yesterday....I had a very troublesome moment in regards to death again. Mainly my own. I was coming back from lunch, and then a thought popped into my head: I hope heart-attacks aren't painful. Yeah, I becoming convinced that is how God is going to take me home. A heart-attack induced by stress. At times I think my heart valves are already damaged, although I've never spoken to a doctor or had a cardiogram done. I just know the human body under great stress, heartache, fatigue, etc. can do damage to the heart muscle. I think I've worried enough the last 15 years to last a lifetime by now, so I can't help but think that a coroner would say my heart gave out. I'm just saying....it wouldn't suprise me, but it is disconcerting to say the least.

Time keeps on ticking...

2010-07-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

"Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. Wherever they go, they will find green pastures. The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness." (John 10:9-10)

I don't have much to say today. This passage has been on my mind since Sunday, and everytime I read it, I feel a brief moment of reassurance and confidence. I just wish that feeling would last throughout the days without me having to either re-read it or think about. It should be known and ingrained, but maybe that will take time.

Work has been painfully slow this last week. That never bodes well for a person like me that spends too much free time self-reflecting, over-analyzing, and worrying about everything.

If it weren't for the fact I feel the need to save my vacation time (for a possible cashout later this year to pay for taxes) I'd like to take a day off like today to do some 'me' time. 'Me' time would consist of working on one of my models at home, spend some time walking my dog, maybe play a video game, and maybe catch up on some streaming movies via Netflix I missed in the theater's.

Actually, I've been thinking about smoked brisket all morning. I may even visit a specialty deli after work today and pick me up a 5-6 lbs brisket. Maybe invite a few neighbors over or some friends for a first attempt at using my smoker. I've never smoked a brisket before nor have I used my smoker grill yet either, but I'll have to break it in soon.

As you can tell my mood is 'okay' to 'good' today for no particular reason I can think of.

And for those that are asking, at this time I am not on any medications right now, anti-depressant or otherwise. I'll be honest with you if and when I decide to go back on.

Here

2010-07-27T15:18:00.000-07:00

That is how I describe my day today.

It was a little gloomy this morning, a marine layer socked into the foothills in which I live and seemed to make my bed that much cozier. My wife was kind enough not disturb me and allowed me to snooze until about 7:20 this morning. I could have easily slept more, but not because I've been feeling down and out the last few days, but because I was just that comfortable and just that cozy.

One of my two bosses took the day off and another employee in my department called in sick, and overall it's been a pretty uneventful and quiet day. A bit too quiet which makes the day seem to drag on a bit longer than I would generally like it to do, but sometimes its just like that.

Before I got out of bed this morning I made a conscious decision to pray to Jesus. Just a simple "Hey, it's just me and I'd really appreciate an emotional break today big guy.", and I can honestly say I feel 'okay' thus far (granted its only 3:30).

The downtime allowed me to make some calls earlier today and get a better rate on a credit card that should save me a decent chunk of interest over the next 15 months or so (which is good). I also had alone time at lunch and was able to finish a book I was reading: "Dogtown: tales of rescue, rehabilitaion, and redemption". It was a great book, although a tear jerker at times. It really wants me to get the courage to work at an animal shelter, if I wasn't so afraid of getting emotionally attached to every dog I may be taking care of. I'd love to do that with animals, I really do feel that is a calling to my spirit and I feel so much more at ease with animals, but my heart breaks when they are hurt and I have this feeling I may become a basket case afterwards.

I know I've already decided that the day I do write my will, a decent chunk of my estate (if thats what it is called) will be donated to an animal shelter.

I may meet a friend today after work, for about an hour to have some tacos. I'm still waiting for his call. If he doesn't call, its no big deal, I'll go home and start my own dinner and finish up the evening watching some TV, maybe start reading a new book even.

BTW: I want to thank 'Anonymous' whose been leaving comments the last few entries. I do appreciate it and know you mean well.

Regards...

Feeding the spirit

2010-07-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

After my last post, I needed a bit of time to collect myself.

God says he will never heap on so much that we can't take it. I'd like to have a heart to heart with him some time on that. When one's mind in in complete chaos and dreaming of being whisked away to parts unknown, I think we're at the breaking point of how much one can handle.

I realize it's different for everyone, and I'll be the first to admit my tolerence threshold seems to waver up and down depending on the day. Some days it just seems the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and yet when I read the news and see someone else's troubles (which are far worse than my own) I am then humbled and thank God that my troubles are indeed not as dire as others. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier, just a bit more self depricating on how I could be so selfish.

After my temporary meltdown last post, I sent a message to a college friend of mine from 20 years ago who recently found the Lord and just simply said "Pray for me. Having a rough spot." I did't say anymore or give any details, and within minutes he texted me back saying he'd pray for me. He also told me to read Psalms 13....which I did...and while I wouldn't say it was a wakeup call, it was just enough to stop anymore of a downward spiral.

He then sent me a care package in the mail that week. It was a box full of candy and treats for me, and he even threw in a toy for my dog. I was so touched. Here is a man, with a history and issues of his own, took the time to send me a 'care package'...and even included my dog in it. That touched me to the core. That has to be one of the nicest things someone has done for me.....dare I say even more attentive than my step-daughter and spouse? Actually...yes.

Of course I thanked him profusely, and I am still very touched by this simple act.

The rest of my week went better, or at least neutral. I haven't been able to relax 100%, and I have been very tired. I commented to my wife and she suggested I have my thyroid checked...just in case. I don't think it's a physical thing. To me, I feel it is a mental thing. I'm drained....emotionally spent, teetering on depression, frustrated and more. It just sucks the energy out of me. It's as if I forgot how to relax, let it all go, and enjoy the quiet moments. All that sounds good to me is a nice hot, long shower.....followed my a massage (that I'll never get)...and then go to bed.

I did get some reprieve this last week. I did watch a few shows on television that made me laugh, and I even surprised my wife by going bowling with her and her freinds. I even surprised myself with the amount of fun I had that evening. And my wife's friends treated me very well.

The rest of the week just seemed to go through it's paces and I spent some time praying here and there.

I did go to church yesterday and I am so thankful I did. I hadn't gone in a few weeks and my men's group is on hiatus until Aug. 14. Anyway, yesterday's message was from the book of John about the good shepard. It was a good message for me to hear. I really needed to know that Jesus knows each and everyone of us, both good and bad, and every tear we shed and every cry we make. One could argue that He has answered me, although I'd like to know it was Him a bit clearer or a bit louder. Is it selfish to wonder or inquire why His answers seems like delayed whispers? Is it my patience? Is the test ongoing and I don't recall signing up for it if it is.

Yesterday afternoon I had a beer with a coupld of my neighbor guy friends. One is a non-practicing Catholic, the other agnostic. Religion wasn't the topic. We spoke of vacations. One thing we all had in common was a little strained finances and were discussing ideas for 'cheap' vacations. It was fun to dream about taking a week off and driving out to the Grand Canyon, or a train ride to Santa Barbara.

My last paycheck stated I had 66.5 hours of vacation accrued. I really need to take some time off. Thinking back now to all my posts here, I know I stated that numerous times before. Problem is I can't really afford to go anywhere, but Lord knows I desire a few days off. I really need to get out of here. I need to enjoy environs of elsewhere. Watch a sunset, breathe fresh air, have a good dinner, melt into a pool with the sounds of birds and the whispering of summer leaves.

I think I'm gonna start putting away $30 a paycheck aside into an account and save up to go somewhere for a few days. Maybe I will go to Santa Barbara sometime in the future.

Still drawing a blank.

2010-07-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

Ugh...I can't beleive it's been almost three month since my last post, and even more sad is the fact it doesn't seem much has changed since that post either.

I actually juat read my April 27th entry, and if I didn't know any better, it feels in my gut like I wrote it yesterday.

The last few days have once again seem to have become a nagging struggle within my mind. Oh there has been moments of laughter and of joy, but some of dour angst and loathing as well.

Struggles at home seem to have become increasingly tense and I cannot seem to discern if it is me causing the issues, if I am the victim of these issues, or a combination of both.

Our financial status has been very stressful as of late, and I do not deal with it as well as my wife does, but I can't help but think that my wife is eitehr very ignorant or in harmonious denial about it all, perhaps thinking that the husband she claims to love one moment yet talks down to at times will be there to always support her.

We've been living paycheck to paycheck for a few months now. I often skip breakfast, have a generic sandwich for lunch and even a so-so dinner just so we can do it all over again the next day. Frankly, I'm tired of it. Yes, I still have food in my belly, but am so sick of medicority at best.

So many things need to get done; yet we just can't seem to make any headway. It's depressing.

My step-daughter is also a handful. Almost 19, no diploma, works part time but has no car. We can't get her a car, let alone insurance, gas, driving lessons, etc. She doesn't contribute to the house 'cause she barely makes any money, but we still have to take care of her.

We hear from our friends about vacation get-aways, nights out on the town, and more with envious ears and humbled looks.

I should have gone to church yesterday. Lord knows I need it, not just for my spirit, but for an attitude adjustment as well. I felt tired and not very energetic, wondering what the point was. Nothing is going to change.

I've found myself to be a little bit short on patience lately, more apt to get frustrated and mad at the little things, and have had a love/hate relationship regarding my spouse again.

I don't know why it came to a head yesterday, but I felt very alone. I can't even recall if I cried out to God or not at this point. I think I might have given up at the time, so tired of even trying and hearing silence in return, that perhaps I didn't ask for Him.

I cried a bit too.....in the shower when I was alone, a few major thoughts entered my head: 1) I want a divorce and want to find happiness with someone who wants to spend time with me, 2) My step-daughter is driving me up the wall and I feel very guilty about it, 3) I don't do enough in helping people (moreso animals like helping at a shelter), and 4) I wish I were dead.

Yeah, I said it again. I love the Lord, I love my family, I love my dog....but I'm tired, I wondered what it would be like to be committed to a hospital for a while. I want to rest....really rest. As much as I love these people, I don't want to be around any of them for a while. I constantly feel let down by the, and sometimes feel I'd actually be better off without them.....without anybody for that matter.

I'm very scared to hurt myself. I'm scared of pain, I'm scared of suffering. I often think that cancer and/or a stress related heart attack is gonna get me sooner than later. I'm scared I'll have a stroke and be in a wheel chair and no one will care for me.

It's 3pm in the afternoon as I type this, and now I'm crying again. I'm 40 years old, and I'm crying and at times miserable. I don't have any children to call my own, no siblings to share with, and I don't want to burden my parents. I don't think my wife can comfort and console me. Does God still have some big test or plan for me? I dunno.

I'm too scared for suicide, I don't want to give up, but still.....I wish it were all over or just go away. Let me enjoy life for once, like I used to, years ago when life was simpler.

I see myself walking into a hospital, looking for anyone who will hear me and really listen to me....and tell them to whisk me away. Don't tell my wife, don't tell my parents, but look after my dog. I love him so much. What would I do without him?

I rambling again. I need to take a break from this post right now....get outside and get some fresh air.

Drawing a blank

2010-04-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

I sit here at this entry not knowing what to write.

I feel I have so much to say, on so many subjects, yet the focus is lacking. It's as if my head is full of noise lately. Emotions are all over the place. Up one minute, down the next.

Marriage. Faith. Step-fatherdom. Happiness. Employment. Sadness. Depression. Fun. Entertainment. Sex. God. Frustration. Patience.

These things are all important and all present to me. All scrambling and tripping over one another to become the dominant thought. The result--inner turmoil.

Is it possible to feel numb and anxious at the same time? I think it is. See, my body feels anxious...squirmy, tight, tense, exciteable. But my mind is numb; tired of thinking of it all, caring and not caring at the same time. Time is measured on not what I look forward to anymore, but that this second, and this second, and now this second are over....thank God.

I'm looking at my life in the past. History. At times I look forward to the eternal rest. Like I want to sleep forever and have nice dreams. Me and my dog, the only creature on this planet that doesn't give me grief day in and day out.

No noise.

Just quiet and loving comfort.

3 months too long?

2010-03-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I haven't been back to post as of late. I atcually noted a draft I had of an entry back in mid-December that I never finished. Not sure I can now anyway as much of my entries are what I'm feeling in the moment like right now.

So what's been up the last three months? Well, there have been some highs, and some lows, but I suppose I could say I've just been feeling average. My ste-daughter and my wife go at it at least once a week and I had to step in last week to play referee at one point. As much as my step-daughter was in the wrong, I took note that my wife unfortunately despite all her good qualities, also seems to thrive on conflict.

Although I wish our household to be one happy domicile and I really try my best, I can now see that as long as my wife is uneasy in the spirit, most of those people she comes into contact with she will eventually have an altercation with. I feel bad for saying this, but there are moments I'm glad she's off arguing with someone else for a change. Now again, I wish it didn't happen at all, but until my wife breaks down and recognizes (like I had to myself) that she isn't really in control or can fix everything AND recognize that the Lord our God is soveriegn in all things she's gonna have a rough time.

Like me.

Now I recognize that I still have my moments of doubt and despiar and confusion, but at least for now the thoughts of suicide are no longer there. I also recognize that my brain chemistry is off, maybe not as bad as it was, but the on again, off again medication helps me 're-calibrate'. I've been off the pills for a bit now, but started again today. Why? Well, I've been under some stress again lately, feelings of being anxious, a bit of insomnia, and some feelings of anger and frustration are present. But now when I start to recognize a few of these symptoms, I can try and nip it early on instead of waiting it out and seeing if I can fix it myself.

Not to many other things have changed. We're still seemingly living paycheck to paycheck right now and that bothers me a lot. Especially since I had to ask my grandfather for a small loan the otehr day to help pay for an unexpected bill. I can't believe I'm almost 40 and for the first time ever, I had to ask for some help. We've really put a clamp down on us for the most part and its starting to ffect us at home too. I'm tired of soup and cereal for lunches and dinners. I'm tired of having to turn down invitation with friends for a night out because we can't afford it. Doesn't help we have an extra person now living at home as well who can't seem to find a job either. So yeah it's been more stressful than normal.

I'm going on a business trip tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it at all. It's been just shy of six years since I've been on a plane and I'm a bit nervous to say the least. I'm off to Atlanta, and it's supposed to be raining the whole time I'm there. I'm trying not to get too worked up, but I had a nightmare about it last night. Not good.

Hopefully when I get back, I'm going to have to look into getting a second temporary job. I need to work a few weekends here and there to get some extra money to pay the bills just to keep my mind sane from this living paycheck to paycheck thing. I need only a few hundred to feel as if head is above water, and not just my nose. I don't know how many cup-of-soup's or bowls of Special K I can handle anymore. I even had to cash out a few days of vacation (days I will not have off) just so I could pay our taxes. CA has one of the highest taxed states in the nation, and the state is bankrupt too if you haven't heard.

It's my 40th birthday next week. I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't think my wife has planned anything at all. We have no money, but that's not stopping her from having a Girls Night Out this upcoming friday. I don't know how she's paying for it nor am I sure I want to know. It'll be interesting to see how I react or how she will if I am told there is no birthday gift due to financial issues, but have enough money for Girls Night Out. Its for this reason I'm actually not looking forward to my birthday....not that I will be 40 years old,...but to see where I am on the priority list in my marriage and relationship compared to friends.

Do I sound like a whiner? Yeah, I suppose I do. What else is new?

Hopefully it won't be as long until my next entry.

Positive mood

2009-12-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it may be the placebo effect, but I feel pretty darn good today.

It's a rainy day here and I had an early start on my day, and the requisite amount of coffee is now flowing, and I feel pretty darn positive so far. I may meet some friends later today for a going away party for an aquaintance at my old job and I may also have a 1/2 day at work today.

This weekend will be doing chores about the house (since it's scheduled to rain all day) and I may work on a few personal hobbies I enjoy. I even have a hankering to play a board game with my wife and step-daughter, and we have a family party to attend tomorrow evening. It's wierd, earlier in the week I was dreading the party...I was not looking forward to going at all and considered it yet another chore.....and yet today, my outlook has done almost a 180, and I have no explanation why. Now I kinda want to go (although tomorrow may change my mind yet again).

I had a brief chance to witness to a stranger yesterday, and she told me I left a lasting impression, although I don't know exactly where she stands, but she was receptive. So that was a blessing in disguise.

I'm enjoying a good cup of coffee and feel relaxed. Praise God.

Citalopram

2009-12-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

I decided to start a new drug today...Citalopram (see link in margin for more info). It's a substitute for Lexapro and also known as Celexa.

As with all anti-depressants, it usually takes a good solid week and then some before ones body adjusts to it and it begins to take hold and starts working its magic. It's basically a serotonin reuptake inhibitor which allows for natural serotonin to stay longer between the gaps of the nerve cells within the brain and thus minimize or stave of feelings of depression.

So why did I decide to start today? To begin with, I have been 'drug' free for quite a few months. Other than what I would consider normal bad days that everyone experiences from time to time, I had been feeling okay for quite some time now. Yes, there were the moments with my wife a few montsh back that I didn't know if I could or wanted to survive the marriage despite my best efforts. I still have 'moments' of wondering what it would be like to re-marry, be single again, make different choices, etc. But I can also say that a few weeks back I had a very bad depressive dream as well...one in which I was divorced...and I wasn't that much happier. In fact I was scared to death about beginning the process of starting to date all over again and felt a stigma over me that I failed. That I failed my wife, my family, myself, and God.

But I'm not about to go down that road today.

It's just been a general feeling as of late once again. I'm feeling a bit insecure as of late. I mentioned some financial strains and step-daughter strains in yesterday's post, and I've been starting to feel agitated once again towards those that my wife has communications with. Is it jealousy? Yes, to a certain extent I think it is. Not sexual per-se, but there's a few male friends of hers that have been extra chatty towards her lately and I can't figure out their angle. One in particular makes some unusual comments (it's probably nothing), but I feel strange that he's making them with no real thought towards me.

It may also be this time of year. It's been cold and rainy as of late and getting darker earlier. I've been feeling a bit fatigued as well, like I could fall asleep in the middle of the day and want to go to bed earlier again. I know for a fact I'm trying to avoid my step-daughter too...I don't want to be around her drama or her immaturity...or her laziness. The longer I am around her, the more I find myself starting to resent the fact she doesn't do anything and her mom keeps making excuses for her. I know when I was 18 years old, I would have been embarrassed to death to be in her position and took a lot of pride in working and starting to become independant whereas I feel she still expects us to provide everything for her. But that seems a littel harsh as well, and I have to temper those thoughts by knowing that not everything was her fault and she is the victim of certain circumstances and attitudes, or lack thereof, from both her biological parents. They both did a crappy job, so I can't blame her for everything.

Hmmm..I feel like I'm rambling again here. My head feels a tad dizzy right now too, most likely from the Citalopram as I had both breakfast and lunch today and a good nights sleep.

I know this is an abrupt ending to this post right now, but I'm losing my train of thought and feel like I'm not making sense anyway.

Holiday strain

2009-12-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

My stress levels are a little higher than normal right now.

My stepdaughter has behaving a bit better tha last few days, but I feel that her last two uncalled for and random 'blowups' at our house have somewhat jaded me more than I originally thought they might have. I'm having a hard time warming up to her right now. When I walk in the door from work, I find myself at a loss for words to say anything to her. I'm polite, I'm cordial, but I can't seem to shake the last few scenes out fo my head and it irriates me. I should forgive and forget and move on, but I'm having a tough time doing that. I'm not sure even if an apology at this point could change my mind.

I want her to get a job. She really does need to get a job, yet another week has gone by and she has done nothing. She's been living with us now for close to two months and she has put in all of a few hours on one single day looking for a job, and has done no follow up yet to my knowledge.

I don't even know how to bring this subject up right now in the house inorder to avoid any argument between her and I, or even my wife and myself right now. I'm a bit confused by my wife as well. A few weeks ago, my wife determined that her daughter had to get a job and I had a lot of confidence in my wife....but it appears she has backed off or back down completely at this point and I just don't have the energy to bring it back up just before the Holidays.

Why is this bugging me so much?

Well, I think a lot has to do with the fact that we are broke right now. Seriously broke. My wife and I both have jobs, but we have had a lot, and I mean A LOT of unexpected bills this year (and the fact my wife still can't manage money very well) that my emergency savings has been pretty much drained. For the first time since I lost my job almost three years ago, I feel like I am living paycheck to paycheck...and I still have nothing to show for it.

I cinched the belt for holiday shopping this year warning my entire family that this year was going to be smaller in scale. I am packing many more brown bag lunches to work as of late and even skipping breakfast altogether just so I can have a few extra bucks for incoming bills I have no idea how I'm going to pay for.

I even traded in some vacation days I had saved up for cash just so I can pay a few bills. Yeah, thats vacation time I won't be taking. So yet another year goes by where I don't go anywhere on vacation because I cannot afford it. Last year I wanted to take my wife and I our for a cruise for a belated honeymoon we never took. Well, it looks like year 6 isn't going to happen either.

I also feel guilty that I haven't tithed in a few weeks either at church. It does indeed burned my heart that I haven't given 10% the last few months. My tithing and donations in general are way down this year and that doesn't sit well with me either. I know I am supposed to truct in my Lord, my God to weather these financial storms, but my friends it just never seems to end.

I think after the holidays, I may even have to get a part time job on the weekends just to get some extra money to pay bills and feel like I have a bit of breathing room. I'll be burning both ends of the candle and I'm sure I'll be moody and tired and worried, but right now, I don't see any escape.

Maybe that's why I didn't sleep very well last night?

Status update

2009-12-02T11:01:00.001-08:00

I wish I could remember to make more time to my updates here as I feel I am short changing myself at times. It really does help to use this blog as an outlet for minor venting and collecting and or organizing my thoughts.

The last few weeks have had some minor ups and downs.

My step-daughter has moved in on a full time basis now and I'll admit there have been 'moments' where I just want to explode and other times I have to remove myself from her presence for some piece of mind. She's not a 'bad' kid. Not in the sense that she does no drugs, does not drink, does not smoke....but she does have a major attitude and is somewhat lazy.

She's flunked out of school and is now in independant study and has grandiose designs of going out on her own at 18 to live her life. Problem is, she has no job, no money, no car, no drivers license, no savings, and no clue. Her mother and I have spent fruitless hours trying to talk to her about her decisions and try to point out how the real world works, but alas our advice falls on deaf ears. She'll have to find out the hard way, and I can only hope she gets a job soon enough.

As you can imagine, this has put some additional stress on her mother and me, moreso my wife. They have bumped heads on a few occassions now where I have to come in and play the peace broker only so as I don't get too worked up.

The addition of a third member to our household has also put a strain on our finances as well...more groceries, increase in utilities, toiletries, etc. Needless to say it has been a rough two months, especially with the holidays just around the corner.

I've personally been struggling on how hard to put my foot down, where my emotions are in all this, and how to deal with a rebellious spirit at the Holidays who won't even try to get a job to buy presents for her family. It's difficult for me to warm up to someone who takes everything for granted and expects things with nothing in return.

My relatiosnhip with my wife has been a bit lukewarm because of this too. Our intimacies have been put on the backburner and that bums me out, not just because I'm a giy, but a few months back it appeared that we had tuened a corner for the better, and now with my step-daughter moved in, we're all too tired and tense to relax and enjoy each others companies.

I have been going to my men's bible study on Saturday's, but I haven't been going to service the last few weeks on Sunday. I've been a little bitter and angry and not in the mood. I feel guilty, but I also think going into God's house with teh wrong mindset is a waste of His time and mine. Some would argue this is exactly why I should be going and I do understand that point, however, I'm good at making excuses for myself and I abhor confrontation and still pretend I can sweep things under the rug as a viable option.

I took a Clonzapem this morning as I awoke at 5am with my thoughts scattered, my anxiety high, and a knot in my sternum. It took about 20-30 minutes to kick in, but I felt really good afterwards and am trying my best to enjoy my day.

A pleasant surprise is my wife invited me to Sushi this evening. Not sure if it is just the two of us, or my stp daughter as well, but I love sushi, and hopefully my wife knows I'm feeling a bit squeezed as of late and this is her way of giving me a little reprieve.

A bit out of sorts

2009-10-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

The last few days has given me yet more stuff to think about and try and put into some sort of perspective, especially on how it all fits into God's plan for me.

Once again finances have been a bit tight. Every paycheck between now and the forseeable future (after the first of the year) is pretty much spoken for. For the first time in a long time I had to dip into my reserves (read: savings for a rainy day I set up after I lost my last job a few years ago) to pay some mounting bills. Nothing too earth shattering, but it's all about timing....see, towards the end of the year some additional bills come into play all at once: homeowners insurance, car tags/registration, property tax and finally of course, the holidays.

Sure enough, the bills all came this last week, and I can't pay them all right now. I'll have to stagger them every two weeks when I receive another paycheck, but it literally leaves me nothing left. The disposable income I do have only ends up putting gas in my car, paying the toll road charges, and maybe a little left over for an occasional Friday lunch with my coworkers.

It depresses me. Once again another year has gone by where we can't take a vaction for more than 3 days at a time and local, I can't really afford to buy any new clothes for work, fancy lunches (I've been brown bagging the same generic meat sandwich and drinking water for a few weeks now), or Christmas presents again this year. Which also means, I can't buy myself any luxury items for myself, make repairs on the house, having to turn down evenings out with friends or God forbid any other emergencies that may crop up. It sucks and I don't really see any way out of it for at least two years (until my car is paid off), or I get a second job on top of my regular 8-5 job now, plus home chores, taking care of the dog, etc. I don't want to have to go to my parents or anyone else, but the budget is razor thin right now.

And I don't know how people do it. I know for a fact there are people out there in worse positions than us. Guy across the street lost his job about a month ago, and his neighbor has been out of work for almost three months and now the house is going into foreclosure. I spoke to my grandfather the other day and he told me about 'real' hard times....times where he slept in his car for weeks because he had nowhere to live and jobs where scarce...so who am I to complain?

As if that wasn't bad enough, I elt really humbled last night. Our other neighbors gave birth to twins yesterday. Of course I am happy for them and wish them all the best. But I can't help but feeling a bit selfish and envious that they had kids and we didn't. I so despretely wanted to be a father...to raise my own child or children...and it pretty much isn't going to happen and that saddens me. My step daughter doesn't live with us, and soon she'll be 18 and already has plans to move on with her life...and it's not like we have much of a relationship to begin with.

To have this constant reminder next door that they have children and I don't is going to be a challenge for me. Last night when I found out, it more or less silenced me and after that I really wasn't in the mood to talk and ended up having a drink and going to be early.

It's raining outside today as well, and I stare out the window with my crappy lunch, a little chilly, sitting at my desk at a job I don't really like all that much wondering yet again, "Why God?, Why?"

All creatures large and small

2009-10-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

I had a very humbling experience yesterday that has really been weighing on my soul and instantly made me look deep and hard into my own being.

When I got home from work yesterday I began my usual ritual of suiting up my dog and take him for a walk around the neighborhood.

It was a brisk fall afternoon yesterday at 5:30pm so I quickened my pace up a bit to try and get home a bit faster than usual and get my blood circulating a bit.

On the round trip back home from our usual route, I happened to look down and saw what I thought was a dead rat. Like most people, I conjured up images of filthy vermin...disease carriers...gross and dirty and icky. And I thought it was dead.

Upon closer examination, the rat was not dead, but close to dying. I saw no physical trauma from a spring trap or cat, and figured it was most likely poisoned or near the end of its natural life. It was laying on its side, prone, but I did see its chest rising and falling very slowly, clearly its breathing being labored and I knew it was just a matter of time.

But then I began to wonder how long was this rat had been lying here. Minutes? Hours? Half a day? And how much longer did it have left? Would it make it through the night and pass in the cold air? Would a night time cat or carrion bird wander by and finish it off? Was it in pain?

My goodness, all these questions just bombarded me in mere seconds and I really struggled as to what the right thing to do was. Do I kill it and end its suffering? Or do I let nature take its course? I eventually decided to let nature take its course, for I just couldn't bring my self to stomp on it and its life. I felt bad for it because perhaps this creature, a creation of God, was indeed in pain and suffering from a lingering poison or other ailment. I doubt it would survive the night and for the first time I saw this vermin in a different light.

It was no longer a disease carrying rodent who lived on trash and could cause no good. It was a living and breathing animal, who had made this greenbelt its home...doing only what it was preprogrammed to do from creation. Whether or not it has a 'soul' as we biblically define what a soul should be, it was born and lived and tried to survive. And here I was with my dog, whom I love dearly, walking back to my warm home and will eentually crawl into my clean and warm bed. It really bothered me...and as you can tell...still does.

Someday I will have to put my dog down, and I fear and loathe that future date. I know I will need medication of the highest order that day. And again, I thought of my own mortality....will I die alone with no kids and wife by my side?

I can only hope that God does indeed have a plan for all his creation...including rats.

Good day

2009-10-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

I've been looking at my last few posts, and I'll admit...there does seem to be a lot of doom and gloom lately.......So, I thought I'd share some uplifting feelings for once...

Today is actually a good day. I'm not on any medication, and despite going to bed at midnight and getting up at about 6:45am this morning, I feel somewhat relaxed and refreshed today.

I had an excellent lunch of BBQ Tritip with some spicy BBQ sauce, some Barq's rootbeer, a piece of blueberry cornbread, and overall I feel somewhat relaxed. Work hasn't been too demanding today, and I also got invited to a surprise bday party tonight for a neighbors boyfriend taht both my wife and I will attend.

Despite getting yet another unexpected bill in the mail yesterday (car tags) which I have no idea yet how I'm going to pay, and the fact my wife came home yeterday to tell me she wants to get involved in some multi-level marketing sheme (I read as pyramid scam....But I can't convince her otherwise), I really do feel okay.

Co-workers have been nice today, joking with me...we've been having some good natured ribbing with each other, and it just seems to be low pressure.

So there,....as of right now, it's been a good day.

Burnt Out

2009-09-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

Once again, I'm back off the meds. I didn't really realize how easy it is for me to forget to take my anti-depressents on a regular basis if I don't make a concerted effort to place them out in the open for me to take every morning, or do some other meaningless ritual to remember to take them.

Needless to say I just realized I've been off my meds now for about a week, and I just feel burnt out. Hopefully this is just another random cycle of mine, but I have taken notice and stock that I just feel 'meh' at best this past week or so. Actually 'meh' is not exactly the best descriptor, but I can't think of a better word right now.

Things between my wife and I are 'okay' to 'good' and I do believe in the power of prayer that my friends, family, and fellow church parishoners are indeed making a difference....for the better. My wife and I have been getting along pretty well as of late and she's pleasantly surprised me a few times this past week, albeit last night she was a little snippy when I was asking her some basic questions.

I guess I feel 'meh' now because of work...or is it the feeling I have no time anymore for myself to just relax. Or is it because we still can't afford (both financially or time wise) to take a real vacation.

Yeah, I've been just tired. I get up, get ready for work, sit in traffic, do my job, come home, do chores, and then feel tired just to realize I did nothing for myself and now I gotta do it all over again the next day. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

So yeah, I'm fricken burnt out.

It doesn't help that once again it seems that every dollar I have made recently is already once again accounted for, and I'm brown bagging my lunch every day, and the idea of even buying myself a video game to play somehow seem outta reach. First, because the $60 for a new game should really be used to pay off a bill (which I end up doing anyway) and I have no 'free' time...unless you consider 10pm open (in anycase I need to go to bed 'cause I gotta work to pay for the bills we incurred anyway).

I know...it could be worse. It could be much worse....and it has in the past as well. Then I wake up and realize people just died when a tsunami hit their island, or a flood wrecked their house, or some young child was abused/raped by a step parent and locked in a closet and beat the last 4 years. Or is it the whack jobs in Syria or Iran scoffing at us at the U.N.?

I wish God really would intervene at times (just short of the Apocalypse) and give the whole earth a breather for a few days..or even weeks. Do a little house cleaning...a culling of the heinous to help ease the minds of the rest of us for a change.

I can't even think right now what would recharge my batteries. Would a week cruise do the job, or would I just worry about how I would pay that off afterwards?

I look around the house and take count of all the things that need fixing or need to be repaired and replaced and realize none of it is happening anytime soon. Heck, if I can't afford a $50 video game, how am I gonna get the water line repaired, or replace that ceiling fan, or recalibrate the stove? Yeah, I see the blinds on that window falling apart and dangling by a weathered thread, but I still can't buy new ones.

And then there's work. Beleive me, I do indeed thank God that I do have a job in these times. As I'd like to think everyone is thankful who has a job appreciates it. My neighbor (mid 50's just got laid off a few weeks back) is feeling it and wishes he was working as he has a family to support, and another neighbor is going through a foreclosure...and I feel bad for them too, and I know I shouldn't complain. But does God really want us to be miserable in our daily routines? I know there are a lot of biblical stories that and examples of plenty of holy men who toiled at there jobs for decades just to have it all taken away. I don't really think that God has that desire for any of us, nor does He wish us to feel miserable and wanting. But since I am human, and humans are known to be selfish and think of themselves...well, quite frankly I'm pretty fricken sick of it all.

As I've stated before, I like what I do..I really do...I just don't like the people I have to interact with, or the ludicrous and backwards company policies and explanation that seem to be more hinderance and red tape than progress. It's 2009 and my company is stuck in the 1970 mentality on a lot of things and simple things just get bogged down in tedium and I just never get a sense of real accomplishment any longer. I pointed this out to my boss once....we never 'fix' anything or 'repair/replace' things...we just 'jury-rig' with duct-tape and bubblegum...just enough to get us by until teh next breakdown.

That can become very de-moralizing and crippling and hinder one's overall sense of contribution and self-worth. Did I really go to college to get two degrees just to be a glorified maintenance man when I could do so much more if I wasn't saddled with all these contraints. I think that contributed to my sense of being tired and 'meh' all the time.

Placebo thinking?

2009-09-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

As I recently reported I had been off my meds for a few weeks now, and being the nature of the beast itself, perhaps I've been over analyzing my need or dependance on them.

I wonder if my 'need' is indeed just in my head and I do use the meds as a crutch of some sort. Perhaps the idea of taking them is just enough to fool myself into thinking they are actually doing me some good.

The last two weeks I have found myself increasingly irritable when it comes to things like work and what seems to be never ending chores at home. It's also been hotter than normal outside and as I stated also in an earlier post, we've been a little short handed at work to where I have been picking up some additional slack and feel a bit under pressure. A few bills have been once again mounting up despite my best efforts to control and watch my spending habits.

I suppose it could be worse. I read in the news the unfortunate story with the Yale grad that was recently strangled, or kids being shot at home and at school, the very corrupt ACORN scandals, etc. For a while I was happy not listening to the news....maybe I need to turn it off again and be naive to the world.

And again, my relationship with my wife just seems 'meh'. She hasn't yet told me...I've been waiting for her to offer up the information...I have discovered she made plans to go out with her high school friends this Friday night. I kinda thought something was up when she called her ex-husband and requested that they change weekends for exchanging my step-daughter. As of earlier this week, we had made plans to do something saturday evening and I asked about my step-daughter and my wife said she should be okay staying at our hoem for a few hours. But now that my wife has made plans to go out Friday, she called her ex out of the blue to make 'changes'. I smelled something 'fishy' and asked her if she wanted to go to dinenr with me on Friday night...giving her the opportunity to come clean about her plans, but instead, she replied "we'll see...and I'm tired and going to bed." She knows that I don't care for her friends all that much...well, not really her friends, but (im my opinion) excessive drinking. I'd rather not blow tons of money at a bar with people who after adding a few drinks all of a sudden turn into complete immature morons which I would be embarrased to be around.

A few people have asked me...."Do you think your wife is cheating?" I can hosnestly say I 100% trust her in that department. I do not believe for one minute she is flirting or seeing someone else. She may wish I shed a few pounds around my mid-section, but I'm far from out of shape. So no, I don't think she is cheating....I just think she still has this desire to pretend she's 18 years old again despite the fact she actually 40, and she realizes I'm over that type of behavior.

Anyway, I'm a bit disapointed in general I suppose that she hasn't told me her plans for Friday, that I found out through the 'grapevine' and I guess she thinks I'm none the wiser.

So, where was I? That was a terrible tangent....

Okay, so yeah....I've been wondering if this recent pressure and mood I've been experiencing s due to the fact I have been off my meds for a few weeks now, or it really is all these outside factors ganging up on me. I honestly can't tell, nor do I think short of somone drilling in my head and taking a sample of the chemicals bouncing around in my noggin', if this is a real medical issue for me that I will carry the rest of my life, or am I just caught up in the moment of my local environment and it's all a coincidence.

So to err on the side of caution, I took a pill this morning. I won't feel it at all for at least two weeks...and that's only if I start a regime of pill popping again which doesn't sit well with me...but maybe I really do need it. I can feel the wispy tenticles of depression grazing my feet here and there, and I suppose one could say I want to nip it in the bud before it's too late.

I went to church this past Sunday again too, and it was really good. The message was really strong as we are in teh book of Ephesians and studying the 'armor of God'. This last week it was the helmet of Hope. I think I need to re-read chapter 6 again and really soak it in.

Just dropped by...and...Whoa

2009-09-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

The last few days I had been thinking I had been pretty silent as of late here. Not really good manners to build up a topic and/or issue to a crescendo and then seemingly go on hiatus for a few weeks with no real update.

It's been a little tickle in the back of my head for a few days now, but work has really been quite a 'bitch' as of late. The heat is hot outside and we are short handed and it seems the last week or so I've been doing double duty. I've been a bit more cranky and irritable and also experiencing both firestless sleep and a few nighmares as well. My body feels a bit rundown and I have a few more aches and pains as well. As a matter of fact two morning ago I awoke to an agonizing 'charlie horse' cramp in my right calf that scarred my wife as I hoped out of bed swearing.

I also am just taking note that I stopped taking my medication about two weeks ago, and I can't help but wonder if some of this is side effects due to withdrawl. Like I said, I do not that I am slightly more moody and irritable the last few days, but again, I don't know if that is just my hormones and chemicals in my head acting up with no meds, or is it because of the heat, additional work, stress, and lack of sleep. Maybe it's a combination of both and I need to resume my medication.

I haven't been feeling over spiritual as of late either. I just started taking stock yesterday that I have a longing to get my heart and mind back on track as I have allowed myself to drift the past few weeks as well. There's been a bit more stumbling lately...a few more colorful words...a few more adult drinks.....and a laise faire attitude towards everything. But that 'fake' fun is fun for only so long....or is it really any fun at all and am I just in denial?

My relationship with my wife had been improving for a few weeks since I last blogged.....and then we took a break (me too) from the counselor...partially to save money, partially because I wasn't 100% psoitive I or we were getting anything out of it the last two times and wondering if we were just going through the motions of attending a marriae counselr just to say we did. I dunno.

I initially wanted to come back an update you all on everything...which I kind of did....but to my surprise I received a very honest and sould bearing comment in my last post that really hit me. And it hit me hard. Sure enough, reading this man's words and his story really sunk in to me, and still does as I type this. He hurts, and I hurt with him and for him. Although we lead different lives, and have different experiences, and most liekly seperated by 100's perhaps 1000's of miles....his story and truth overlaps and entertwines with my own. And now I cannot help think I was drawn here today, not only for him, but for me as well. Perhaps God is using us both to share and learn from each other. To remind us that we are indeed not alone...even though at times we think we are.

I won't lie to you....yes, things in my marriage are indeed better today....but they aer far from where I would like them to be and I'm not sure if they ever will get there either. Maybe by God's grace and love my wife and I will be on the same page some day. The best I can say is we are at least in the same book, or book series. Months ago, we weren't. We were two different books, in two different genres, in two different libraries....co-habitating. It was a marriage on paper...in the legal sense....and while both of us did/do have emotions for each other...the timing always seemed to be off.

The commentor said he felt alone, despite once having a model life with a wife and three daughters, and pets long since gone. Brother, let me tell you. I have a step-daughter who doesn't even recgnize me on Fathers Day, Christmas, or my birthday. I have a sister-in-law who is more open to me than my own wife. I stare at my dog who just turned 4, and even now I lament and I beg God above that my dog stays with me as long as he possibly can, because when he is gone (and soon both my parents), I too feel alone.

That's sad.

Here I am married to a woman I love who sadly isn't in love with me the way I am with her. Oh, I do beleive my wife loves me....but I don't "feel" the agape type of love from her where I know I am her soul-mate. I sometimes say all I need is my dog. That is unconditional love. Mock me if you will...but I imagine that is just a taste of the love Jesus Christ has for us....no matter what we do, say, think, etc. My wife overheard me once say that my dog was "the love of my life" and commented to her friend "See....". Part of me felt bad, but part of me didn't. It was the truth from a certain perspective. My dog loves me unconditionally. He doesn't put parameters on me, doesn't expect much, doesn't back talk, doesn't have an attitude, or an excuse, or lie. He there for me whenever I want. He will allow me to invest as much time as I can into him and never once want to reject me or tell me it's too much.

Isn't Christ just like that?

More on this later when I re-group my thoughts....

Things are looking up?

2009-08-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

I realize it been almost a month since my last post, and my last entry was indicating I was go to the therapists office to make sense of the verbal altercation my wife was having with from the previous weekend.

Pride is a very difficult thing. We all have it to one degree or another, and sometimes personal pride can get in the way of many a great thing, especially relationships. I don't mean this to be a wife bashing session (as you'll hopefully figure out in the coming paragraphs), but I have come to the realization my wife has a great amount of personal pride.

Not that pride is bad in and of itself, it's how it's applied in everyday situations. So for all you guys and gals, married or unmarried, or whatever you relationship status is....swallow your pride. Pride can be just as damaging as jealousy and bittereness and other negative emotions.

I've said this before...my spouse does not have 'sorry' in her vocabulary. She makes ammends in other ways and sometimes its difficult for me to recognize right away.

Long story short, Tuesday we did have a session with our counselor and when it was all said and done and we laid out both sides of the events that transpired, the female counselor told my wife that she was wrong. It was not a 'Nyah, Nyah, Nyah' moment for me. I had no desire to rub it in her face, but for me, it helped me unload some of the weight I carry on my own shoulders and midn in wondering "Am I really this screwed up? Do I really not get life? Have I been raised by a warped moral and ethical code that doesn't really exist?"

The other strange thing that I will never understand is once my wife heard that I in fact did the right thing and that perhaps she was actually out of line during the course of prior events, she seemed to understand the issue. How come when I point out stuff it's dismissed, but if someone else points out the EXACT same thing, then it is taken seriously and digested and thought about by her?

Anyway, that was close to a month ago, and I'm happy to report that things between us have improved. I feel as if my wife really is indeed trying to make an effort in some thinsg now. No nothing is perfect, including me, and I'm still on my medication, but I've been more at peace these last two weeks than I have in months. We are getting along well, doing things together and still being able to find the tiem to do our own things. I do feel a bit more empowered as of late as well and maybe not as spineless as before when it comes to my wife. Maybe my wife has gained an incling of more respect for me because of this too. I'm more firm in my answers...not mean...and I'm not getting suckered into certain badegerings. I just walk away and talk calmly and tell her when she wants to talk civily....we'll talk, and if she even begins to raise her voice, I just stop and let it go in one ear and out the other. Sure, I think this agitates her to no end, and I'm not trying to be an ass about it, but I'm saving myself from getting worked up, sleepless, having to rely on pills to lower my blood pressure or pain in my chest. I think she's getting the hint now and realizes I'm not as eaily goaded as before. And it does help when a professional tell her that her antics at times are just as unhealthy as mine.

But in all seriousness, we are getting along good. We actually hosted a party at our house last weekend which was fun for the both of us. We also recently went to the county fair, and tonight we are going to a concert...tickets that she bought for me, no less.

So let's hope this is a beginning of a new standard in turning our relationship around. I don't want to jinx it at all, but the last few weeks has been quite an improvement for us.

A walk around the asphalt

2009-07-28T15:08:00.001-07:00

The worst thing about a slow day at work is the ability to let things fester as it seems time slows to a crawl and we have no control over it.

Unlike a good book which seems to end too fast, or a day at Disneyland is over before you know it...when you heart and mind and emotions are in crisis, time seems to stand still. It would be interesting to see if any scientists can corrolate time and general mood into a definable equation. It's apparant time flys when your having fun, but the opposite also applies, time drags when you are miserable.

Today each second tick of the clock seems like it lasts for one minute. One minute therefor seems ike an hour. I've been watching the clock most of the day today waiting for the 5pm bell to toll, so I can make the 1/2 hour commute to the therapists office where I will meet my wife and try and make some sorta of sense out of the weekend.

To help pass the time, I have found myself walking the parking lot between buildings in an attempt to look busy, but really I'm just playing the scenario over and over in my head and I still see no way out. I was in a losing position when I woke up this weekend, and my fate was already sealed even before I got the memo.

Interestingly enough, I came across this article today n the new. How apropos. Coincidence or divine intervention? You decide.

Anyway, right now I wish I had a Clonzapam or some other anti-anxiety medication. My chest feels a little tight and I'm a bit anxious. I'm also craving a nice stiff drink again no matter what the outcome may be. I want to sit under the stars in my backyard tonight and just learn to relax and take a cleansing breath. I'm still not sure if I'm angry or just don't care anylonger.

Confused

2009-07-28T08:50:00.000-07:00

After a semi-emotional day yesterday, but able to maintain my self control overall, I came home and was able to lose myself in the television. When I'm distraught, I sometimes have a tendency to lose my appetite, and yesterday I had no breakfast, a half a sandwich for lunch, and for dinner I settled for a single bowl of Cheerios, and I was content.

By 9:30pm I was still watching TV and felt the urge to sleep coming over me as my eyelids started to weigh down on themselves. My wife called me to let me know she would be bowling an extra game or so, which I was surprised that she even called me. Generally when she is angry, she doesn't call me as a sort of 'punishment' I suppose, and to be honest, I really didn't care if she called me or not last night. I had nothing to say to her anyway that wouldn't start an argument, so the additional peace and quiet was nice.

I didn't take any pills last night, just crawled into bed and must have fell asleep by 10pm or slightly thereafter. I never heard her come at all, which is amazing because I'm generally a very light sleeper. Not only that, my dog would normally wake me up as well when he stirs, but I was out. I didn't hear anything, so I was a little surprised when I woke up this morning and glanced at the clock (5:00am) and my wife was in bed.

I fell back asleep and sometime thereafter she got up herself and made a pot of coffee. By 6:50, when I finally rousted myself out of bed and got my own cup of coffee, took my Lexapro tablet for the day, and as I came downstairs my wife asked me if I was taking time off on Thursday to go to the fair.

What?

What did I miss?

Less than 36 hours ago, she was on a spiteful, angry, and venomous diatribe against me....and now she wants to know if we are going to the fair on Thursday? She's also talking to me in a calm and rational manner, although no mention of this past weekend has come up. To say I am confused by these turn of events is an understatement and sometimes I wonder if it's just not me who has a chemical imbalance or my wife has a polarity issue herself. I answered her that I don not know what my schedule is like right now, and as much as I want to go to the fair and had been planning on it, I really don't want to with her.....not until we get some issues resolved....like what does she mean "I am done with this". I guess I will find out tonight at our session.

I left the house without saying goodbye, and oddly my mood right now is indifference. I still plan on meeting with a lawyer this Friday to find out what my option are, legally, just in case. Just as my wife proclaims that she is "done with this', I too am wondering if I have the energy anymore to put up with her family, quirks, and constant railing.

As I sit and write this entry now, I can't help but to think how uncomplicated my life would be if I had someone in my life that respected me and my family. Yeah, I wish things were different.

Tired & Frustrated

2009-07-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

I had a chance to read the first two chapters of, "So you don't want to go to church anymore."

It had been recommended to me to be a very good book, but since my overall mood as of late is a tad tainted and dark, I'm having a bit of an issue getting into it. Then again, I'm only on page 36, so I'm sure it can only get better.

It's been a few hours since my last post, and I was able to get hold of my wife by phone a few hours ago and get her to agree to a marriage session tomorrow afternoon. If not for her, then it needs to be for me.

I need to hear once again in a controlled room with a moderator on where my wife's head and emotions are at. That will help me decide my next course of action, although I will still be seeing an attorney on Friday at least to satisfy some of my own questions that would have been popping into my head.

It seems that my last few years of life has been a broken record. Please, if anyone is indeed reading this, please make sure that before you enter a relationship that you are indeed equally yoked. I've had a lot of emotional, hormonal, and mental struggles these last 5 years, and not to be a doomsayer, but that's when I got married.

Sure there are good times. And of course I love my wife. However, as the old saying goes, "If I knew then what I know now...", yes, it would be a completely different story. Somewhere the last few years I lost my manhood, not that I am a weakling by any means...I just don't like confrontation in any form, especially in the realm of what ssould be love and happiness. I also wonder how much of these thought and feelings of mine are a result from depression or a chemical imbalance, or did those come after the fact. The old chicked and the egg conundrum.

I'm headed home now....why? I don't know....I have nowhere else to go, and hanging out in a bar is counter productive and expensive. Right this moment I wise I were single.

Where am I at?

2009-07-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

Once again, its been a while (much longer than I'd like to admit to) since I've written here, and I'd like to give one particular thank you for Jaime. Jaime, your occasional comments here and there really...encourage...me to continue writing here and exposing myself in the only capacity that I feel I can right now....safely...and to strangers.

I had a recent misstep in my medications. Once I forget to take a pill one day, it just seems to snowball and before I realize it, 4-5 days have gone by where I have forgotten to take my medications.

That's just what happened this past week, and maybe because I thought things were starting move forward again in my life, especially when it comes to the relationship with my wife.

We had been going to counselling on a semi regular basis the last few weeks and we have both made what I consider improvements, at least that's the impression I was given from my wife, but apparently there is still some deep seeded anger toward me for getting her family involved in trying to save our marriage, and as a somewhat of a shocker to me that was revealed over the weekend, she hasn't forgiven me......Not by a long shot....Some things were said to me that all I could do was to listen and try my hardest to maintain a cool head. It didn't help the situation at all that my wife a bit under the influence of the bottle when she chose to unleash on me.

I clearly recall trying my hardest, requesting at least 2-3 times to wait for a better time to have 'her' discussion with me. I say 'her', because she clearly had something to say and on her mind and no pleading will have her ever stop.

In one way I was proud of myself, and it wasn't to tease or mocker her, or try and push her buttons. I recognized very early on in her tirade that there was nothing I was go to do or say that was ever going to be in my favor or get me out of this. So my silence and cool head just brought on more ire from her. I swear, as I write this now, I still can't comprehend what exactly happened, other than she has a lot of pent up anger and rage towards many people, but I find myself the unlucky recipient to be the catcher of all of this. Sometimes, I don't think she is even mad at me, but is able to comfortably project her aggressive tones toward me.

For the few weeks we were doing so well, so it was a real disappointment and source of personal frustration this past weekend when it all seemed to unravel all over again. The names I was called, the level she was screaming at me, no other person would normally take this, and I'll admit I was very close to asking her to leave and not come back.

So with my adrenaline in high gear I took my first Clonzepam in a long time over the weekend and tried to go to bed. Unfortunately sleep did come right away and I'm back to my 4-5 hours a day sleep. I also started my Lexapro, yet again, but since it's been a week of forgetting to take them at all, I'm sure it will take another week for my system to get synced up again.

I haven't gone to church this weekend. My men's group is on hiatus for the next two months, and I just wasn't in the mood for regular service this weekend. I picked up a book, "So, you don't want to go to Church anymore" (by Jake Colsen) as it was recommended to me from a friend. I'm hoping I will get some good insight here.

Needless to say, we aren't talking to each other (I don't have anything to say because I'm mad and I think she owes me an apology) , and don't get me wrong.....I hurt and I am sad, but being thru this a few times now I'm a bit more numb to the experience this time around. I prayed last night and am currently seeking an emergency counseling session with our therapist this week, as it's not scheduled until next week.

The other big news is this morning, I rationally and calmly called an attorney. I don't want to go down this route at all, and fought it tooth and nail a few months ago. It's not the way I was raised and its a symbol of 'giving up', but I haven't given up. I just chose at my age not to be spoken to any longer like a third class citizen, some one who carries this family financially and get berated to a degree I'm embarrassed to say I've allowed. Others have told me they would have walked away some time ago, but being a Christian, it makes it very hard for me to do confrontation. So I am seeking legal advice on a 'legal separation' to find out what kind of steps I may possibly be in for. I can't even believe I am even entertaining this idea any longer, but I can't even have my mental happiness any longer and can't really remember the last time I was truly happy.

A slip in medication makes for frustration

2009-07-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a long weekend of sorts.

Because my step daughter is with us right now and with very busy days for both of us at work this past week, we decided to skip out on counseling this past Tuesday.

And then somewhere around Saturday the 3rd, I realized I had forgotten to take my Lexapro for two days and figured when I got home I'd get right back on. Well, I screwed up. It just donned on me that because of all the hoopla surrounding a three day holiday weekend and neighbors bounding in and out galore, that I have now not taken any Lexapro for 4 days now and thus have thrown off my cycle.

It makes a little sense now to me as to why yesterday I was a bit grumpier than usual. Little things started to get under my skin again, but I was chalking that up to the heat and stress of work. I'm sure that those both contributed to my overall mood, but being off the meds now for four days has to have made an impact, and not a favorable one. Even though I got plenty of sleep last night, and like I said, just came off a 3 day weekend...I've noticed how much people at work have gotten to me today and it really isn't their fault. Hopefully, I'll remember when I get home and jump back on the meds, but it may now take a good solid week before I get back on track.

We are supposed to have another 3 day weekend this upcoming week and hopefully by then I'll feel better.

Overall tension at my house has been building again, probably moreso on my end. Like I stated earlier, my step-daughter has been with us for almost a week and a half now and the typical teenager attitude has been grating on me much more than it has my wife. But at least I'm smart enought to recognize that and thus decided to leave the house and sequester myself for a few hours on 'alone' time, elsewise I suspect I may have said something I may or may not regret. I suppose at her age of 17, I expect a little more cooperation on things in general, but that doesn't seem to be happening (unless there is something in it for her), and I can feel my patience dwindling. Even my wife finally said something to me very briefly this morning, and I had to take a step back and explain it's a combination of things, not all my stepdaughter, but she definetly isn't making matters easier either.

Finally, once again I skipped church this weekend. Both regular service and mens bible study, and I've really been feeling it deep within. I also feel the struggles and temptations of the world as well, and really do notice when I am not having my spirit fed. It's making it easier for me to slide down the slope of sin and think things I really should really be avoiding in a secular world. It doesn't help matters that I'll also be gone next week as well, so chalk that up to 3 weeks in a row now. Sigh.

A Little Cranky

2009-06-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda glad I'm back to work this week, and it will be a short week at well since our company is shutting down Friday for the Holiday.

I accidentally skipped 2 days of my Lexapro. I forgot Friday, remembered Saturday, and then forgot again on Sunday. Thank goodness I remembered this morning, albeit I am super tired. I had a problem sleeping last night, so of course I took an Ambien at 12:30am and had a heck of a time waking back up at 7am this morning. I already have pounded two cups of coffee to jolt me awake, but I have a feeling I'm going to suffer later today.

So I'm not sure if the skipping of the drugs has thrown me off a bit, but I've been feeling a bit frustrated and slightly agitated the last few days. It could also be the heat. We had a surprise heat wave this weekend. We went from cloudy and overcast June gloom, to about 90+ both days over the weekend. Even used the air conditioned for the first time last night this summer.

I didn't go to my men's bible study on Saturday morning, nor did I go to service on Sunday. I'm feeling a tad guilty this morning. I really should have gone to help feed and perhaps minister to my spirit. I just had so many chores this weekend at the house, it never even felt like I had any time off. All the typical: yard work (a lot) , groceries, cooking, laundry, walk the dog, shopping, gym, cleaning the house. I was exhausted, and for what ever reason I couldn't sleep last night.

I'm really looking forward to this three day weekend, and the following week when we go out of town for a few days..

I think I may just cancel my Tuesday therapy session this week. I just need a break. All I want to do is go home, sit in my backyard where it is cool in the late afternoon and read a book and not be bothered by anyone.

My step-daughter is also with us for the next 11 days, and it only took about a day before I found her once again getting under my skin. I'm really trying to be grown up about it, but she's seventeen going on eighteen, and still as lazy as ever. You can barely get her to do anything that doesn't involve the TV unless you ask her, and at this point I don't feel like I should ask her to do anything like clean up her room, load the dishwasher, take out the trash. Yeah, those things seem petty, but we do this every single time. She loves her Spongebob Squarepants and just about everything else idiotic and way too immature fro her age. My wife gets a little perturbed at me when I try and make an excuse to relocate somewhere else in the house, and I do feel bad, but sometimes I just can't take the inane questions and behavior she displays.

Man, I know. This whole entry makes me sound a bit bitter. Well, I'm not gonna lie and say I haven't been a irritated. I really don't know why. I also know this short week at work is gonna be long. It's already started. My phone has been ringing off the hook, and it's like everyone forgot their brain today. A real test of my character and patience today.

Speechless?

2009-06-26T08:49:00.001-07:00

No, not really....There is a lot going on, but I can't say anything earth shattering that really needs to be at the forefront.

My wife and I have been going to counseling now together for three straight weeks which is a miracle in and of itself, seeing that she really never wanted to go. When we go, she is still fairly reserved and quiet and I always wlak in determined not to get emotional, to talk a little less, to really say what's on my mind.

Well, I've been emotional at every session so far, I tend to ramble on or talk the most as I've indicated my wife is still pretty guarded, and I never feel like I get to expose the bigger issues....the conversation gets side tracked, or we 'test' the waters without ever jumping in.

There are days I wonder if the couseling really is helping or not. In one way it is...I do get to vent a little bit with someone else in the room who tends to be a moderator and we leave tehre without a blow-up. Some of the things my wife does say blows me away, but it has helped me rethink a few of my own actions, and I suppose that can't all be bad.

To her credit, my wife and her attitude and actions towards me has improved. Things aren't perfect, nor do I claim to be a prince who does no wrong, but she is indeed a different person than she was a few months ago. That being said, she still harbors a lot of anger to her mother, sister, and still has issues with her daughter and my mother as well (but the relationship with my mom and her seem to be improving).

My wife still doesn't attend church with me, and I'll be honest, the last few weeks, my heart hasn't been in it either. I do go to Saturday morning men's bible study, and I will pray and read throughout the week, but the service itself.....if I could just have the service, and not the singing before and after, I'd be much happier. I'm just not a singer and I find myself critiquing the songs and lyrics instead of enjoying them for what they are.

We will have my stepdaughter starting today for the next 11 days as her dad will be out of town. Speaking of which, my feeling were a little hurt this Sunday when my step-daughter, for three years in a row now, failed to wish me a happy fathers day. Sigh.

We were all at a family gathering yesterday for my father-in-laws birthday, and my step daughter was there as well. I honestly don't knos what triggered it, but at one point my wife did ask me what was wrong and I told her that "Here we are again...and no mention of Father's Day". My wife marched off and must have said something to my stepdaughter because about 2 minutes later she came trudging out, hugged me and said 'Happy belated Fathers Day.' Yeah, nice....no way she could have figured that out on her own, she had to be told to tell me, so it wasn't really from the heart. It really didn't help matters when my neighbors came by to tell us that there own pregnancy is going well, that they are having twins, a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong....I'm very happy for them, but it just depresses me. I have a step daughter in which I try and try, and she could just care less. Needless to say, it will be an interesting 11 days.

Then in about two weeks, July 11th, my wife and I and my best friend and his wife are going out for a 3 day get-away. I'm really looking forward to it. To get away from work, the house, and hopefully spend some quality time with my wife. And to be with my best friend. Is that bad that I am actually more excited that he and his wife are going with me than my spouse? Funny thing is my friend is an atheist, and he knows I'm a devaout Chritian, yet we get along like two peas in a pod. I also get to test out my new camera as well.

My regime of Lexapro is still on....I've been taking my pills daily now for about 5 weeks I figure. My body has adjusted as I am feeling certain emotions, heck, like I said I've been getting a little emotional at therapy, but otherwise I feel fine...maybe a littel tired from time to time, but I suppose all the chemicals in my head are playing nicely together.

The biggest excitement of the day today is going out to an Indian buffet for lunch (I love tandori and tikka foods), and most likely playing golf tonight on my video game console.

Joint session tonight

2009-06-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

My wife has agreed to our first joint marriage therapy session this evening, and for the first time in weeks, I'm not sure what to tyhink about it or what even to talk about.

We've been getting along better the last few weeks, better than we have been in a long time, but far from perfect.

I don't believe she knows I'm on what I like to call my 'Happy Pills, i.e. Lexapro. As I've said before, the medication makes me very tired and if anything my wife has noticed I am having a harder time getting up in the mornings and am going to bed earlier in the evenings. The afternoons are the worst. Usually somehwere between 2pm and 3pm, I know if I went to lay down somewhere, I'd most likely fall alseep or take a nap.

So, since the mild intervention that happened almost 2 months ago, today will be the first time we're back in front of the therapist...and while I think I have a lot to say, I'm really hoping the therapist will take charge and pose much more questions to my wife than to me. Not that I don't think that I am absolved of putting forth additional effort right now....its just I'm a little hesitant to say anything lest I 'rock the boat', or start a journey down a constructive and critical path I may pay for later with my wife's behavioral response or sarcastic words.

Do I want to talk about the drinking? Yes. About her lack of communication and backwards priorities? Yes. The disfunctional way her relationship with her daughter, parents, and sister are going? Yes... But I'm also afraid to open a can of worms.....I just want peace and quiet, so I'm not real inspired to lead the charge tonight. I want to be the observer, listener, and responder this time.

3+ weeks of Lexapro

2009-06-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

Thank you Jamie for the last comments you left here and apologies for not updating sooner.

Before I talk about the Lexapro, I'm sad to say that the pastor that married my wife and I and who was a huge factor in me becoming a christian passed about a week and a half ago. It was prostate cancer that could have been dealt with early on if he'd gone to regular checkups, but didn't. By the time they caught it, it was advanced enough that it was too late to do anything.

I am indeed sad by this news, however, I'm not as sad as I think I should be, and I suppose that has to do with the Lexapro. It's hard to describe, but I am fully aware that the medication has indeed 'kicked' in and my highs and lows are minimized. The best way I can describe it is that while I can in fact foucs on things right now, I seem to be somewhat incapable of super multi-tasking. That means that I can usually juggle a 1/2 dozen thoughts or tasks at any given time without much concentration, but now it seems as if I can only do 2-3 at any moment and my focus and concentration has to be slightly more intense.

The best analogy I can come up with is that lets say without Lexapro my field of vision on events is almost 180 degrees and you can pick up things in the peripheral. Now that I am medicated again, my overall visionhas condensed to a smaller but more focused field of view, say 60 degrees of everything in front of me. Much of the peripheral 'noise' is gone or at least un-noticed.

I still haven't told my wife that I'm on the drugs, but I did share the news with my therapist and some of my mens bible study group. And even before I told them, they all said that seem to be more relaxed, cheery, and able to crack a smile for the first time in months. My therapist said that I seemed less intense and more relaxed that I had in the past, so apparently it smust be working to some degree.

While my emotions do feel a little less intense overall, it hasn't done too much for my patience and I have still been able to get angry at some bone-headed decions at work. So I'm definetly not perfect or did a complete about face with my emotions.

Two other side effects I've noticed as well: 1) libido & 2) fatigue.

On the libido front of course I still have carnal desires and thoughts. Those have not gone away, but let's say certain 'performance' issues have occured where it takes me much longer to, um, 'finish', and that's all I'll say about that.

Fatigue is the big one though: I am much more tired than before and usually don't have much problem falling asleep at night. But I seem to get tired and exhausted throughout the day moreso than ever. I can easily go out to my car at lunch at nap, or fall asleep sitting on the couch watching TV. Getting up in the morning takes a bit more effort as well, and I catch myself yawning much more. I've alos noticed that alcohol really intensfies the drowsy sensation. If I have a beer or two, it really makes me tired and ready for bed.

But I suppose it's good enough trade....I haven't had any anti-anxiety meds in almost 3 weeks where as I was popping them every other day. Family, friends, and co-workers have all said I'm a bit more 'chipper', and I know I don't have obsessive thoughts like before. This has also helped my marriage out as well.....at the very least we are getting along much better than before, although we don't agree on everything...and probably never will. It's much easier for me to walk away from the snarky remarks or incidents that would push my buttons.

Taking the edge off

2009-05-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well, as I told you in my last post I started a new regime of Lexapro, and today is day 7. The doctor says it takes upwards of two weeks to kick in, but I'm pretty sure it has already kicked in.

Even yesterday at my therapists office, she made the comment that I appeared more relaxed overall...not just in the way I was sitting, but I wasn't talking a mile a minute and didn't appear to be as agitated as I had been in previous sessions. I suppose thats a blessing.

I've noticed two side effects so far:

1) I'm getting more tired at an earlier hour and sleeping a bit better. Last night I could barely keep my eyes open at 9:30pm, and this morning I could have kept sleeping bast my normal get up time at 7am.

2) My thought process is a bit more streamlined in the sense that I can seemingly only concentrate on 1 or 2 things at most at any given time. I can usually multitask, and keep my attention divided amongst various activities, conversations, thoughts, but now it seems that about 2 is my limit. Everything else seems to be more like background jumble. At least I'm aware of it. It's hard to explain, but it's liek part of my extra sensory brain is turned off. I have to concentrate a bit more when I shift gears and it's liek I have blinders on. The task at hand is at the forefront of my thoughts, and everything else is a tad blurry on the peripheral if you catch my drift.

I suppose a third side-effect is that my anxiety is way down. That's one of the things I really wanted to achieve. I'll take a bit of numbness over the extreme highs and lows and near panic attacks I have been feeling in the past few weeks.

Counseling has been going 'okay', and I'm happy to hear my wife will attend her 4th session this Thursday, and we're going to try for a joint session in about two weeks.

She leaves this Saturday for a week long business trip which is kinda nice. I'll have the house to myself for a week, and I plan on watching some movies and playing some games, and even going out with a few of my guy friends.

All in all, I'm feeling a bit abover average right now.

Meds again

2009-05-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

I don't take this offering to you very lightly, but after many weeks of long self-deliberation, I have decided to begin taking anti-depressants again.

These last few months I have gone through a lot of emotional trials and tribulations with my marriage, work, and other aspects of my personal life that I began to notice both physical and mental side affects. Among them were increased irritability, bouts of insomnia, stress related digestive issues, and an overall feeling of restlessness and anxiousness. Especially the anxiety. When your heart feels like it's about to explode out of your chest, and deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques don't seem to have any effect, it's time to see the doctor.

And I'm sad to admit even prayer and spending time in the Word did little to get my mind from drifting off on negative tangents.

It has been over three years now since I last took Lexapro, and despite my continued attempts to find a 'happy' medium in my life, whether it be from God, counselors, friends, or family, it just wasn't always working. I'd have a few good days, and then once incident could shatter all the good stuff that came right before it.

In my line of work, I can't afford to be short, crabby, or irritable with the customers or my peers, and that is exactly what was happening. Then I'd get home, take my dog for a walk, and the problems surrounding my marriage seem to compound and take on a life of their own. By the time it was late enough to go to bed, my mind was so worked up, I could no longer turn it off. And then when it came to prayer to address those helpless feelings, I'm sorry, I still couldn't let go, and thus I would become physically uncomfortable as if I were about to have a panic attack with my heart racing.

So this past Thursday I went to see my doctor and we agreed that perhaps I should get back on the Lexapro and instead on Clonzepam for anxiety, I would be given generic Xanax (0.25mg) per tablet.

Suffice to say, I have only taken one Xanax since Thursday, but have taken my Lexapro every day now since Thursday. It generally takes about 1.5-2 weeks for your body to adjust and the Lexapro to kick in, so hopefully by the upcoming weekend I will feel more even for the time being.

Restless Again

2009-05-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. - (Isaiah 41:10)

Not sure why, but my restless spirit continues, even after much prayer.

It was our neighbors birthday yesterday, and instead of going out with the girls, she opted instead to hang out on her front porch and have some of us hang out with her. I think my wife was a bit disappointed as I had the feeling she was looking forward to going out with just some of the girls, but instead it included two guys as well sipping some libations and just shooting the breeze.

I myself had a few drinks, and perhaps that contributed to my restlessness. I often heard that drinking can affect a good nights sleep. I was in bed just after 10pm, and I'm pretty sure my wife came in just after me. I was very tired and must have fallen asleep within a few minutes, but unfortunately beginning at 2am, I was up almost every hour on the hour. The one thing I noticed at these times was that I felt a tad of anxiety still, but I couldn't put a finger on the cause.

Was I still thinking about divorce? Was I thinking about this upcoming weekend and the possible drama that may ensue? Was it Mothers Day and my wife's bitterness towards the day? Maybe it is my job....I do feel very burnt out as of late. The last two weeks, there has been someone calling in sick or leaving early every single day leaving us short handed and I'm picking up the slack. I'm tired, and cranky, and can't help but think that even on these upcoming two days off (Sat & Sun) that I have a bunch of chores and obligations that I am not looking forward to myself.

I finally gave up trying to sleep at around 6am and opted to take a long, hot shower, although I just took one the night before. I began to pray in earnest to absolve my anxiety and/or stress and it seemed to dissipate a bit.

When I finally got out of the shower, my wife was now up as well, and I asked her to simply pray for me today, that I learn to calm my negative energies and de-stress. Right now, I don't feel so good. Most likely due to lack of sleep, but I'm sure a lot has to do with my mind working overtime on the state of my marriage.

I have a meeting this morning at 10:30am that is supposed to last up until lunch time, but I think I may leave early today to go home and decompress. I realize we are short handed, but I really do need a mental break and quiet time. I'm already picturing myself at home, on the couch, listening to some soft music and perhaps taking a brief nap.

That's one thing for sure I need to speak with the counselor next week about...relaxation techniques. I need to be able to stop the anxiety before it starts and put my faith in Christ to see me through all this.

Sullen Day

2009-05-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

Sullen isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but at the moment best describes my mood.

I went to marriage counseling last night am slightly encouraged to learn my wife is going to her third session on Thursday, however, I'm also slightly disheartened to believe that her efforts may only be of an obligatory nature to fulfill a request from her parents and myself, not because she actually wants to go on her own accord and work on things.

Afterwards we went to dinner last night, and it was pretty nice, like two friends really. During our meal however, I asked if she had RSVP'd to her sister regarding her sisters hosting of Mother's Day again at their house. My wife simply said "No." and with a little further prodding on my part she explained she really doesn't have a desire to see her mother or sister. That kind of disturbs me a bit. In addition to my own emotional trials and tribulations for my wife, it really hit me that my wife has walled herself up against all those closest to her. I started thinking...my wife has a strained relationship with her ex-husband, her mother, her sister, her daughter, and even my own mother, and lets not forget myself. My wife seems to be carrying a lot of anger and bitterness and instead of dealing with these things, tends to run with her secular friends.

This was further reinforced to me with this out-of-the-blue notion of starting some fantasy business with a current co-worker and they are in the midst of writing a business plan and seeking investors. This is the first time I heard of any of this, and we aren't talking about some side home business or small strip mall shop. We're talking a multi-million dollar undertaking with a building that is over 65,000 square feet. I'm not one to want to burst her bubble or dash dreams, but the reality is neither one of them have an education beyond high school, neither have run a business on their own, neither have what I would consider excellent credit and I've seen no actual work done on this supposed 'plan'. I hope I don't sound like a chauvinist, and I apologize if I do, but I just can't see this happening at all. But since my wife appears to be deadly serious about it, I'm glad in a way that we do indeed have our finances separate. I know she approached her parents about some money and they said 'No', knowing full well that my wife doesn't have a very good track record with decision making or financial responsibilities.

So I started the morning in a decent mood, and she did indeed give me a kiss goodbye, and once again spoke in very vague terms about a future with us....but I really do mean vague....I started to think more and more about the events of the last day, and very slowly coming to the conclusion that unless God intervenes anytime soon, I figure our marriage at best may be one of convenience on her part.

I'm willing to see what the next two months of counseling will bring, once again, being patient and let God have his hand in this, but I still feel very conflicted. I listed to the first 2 of 6 CD's now from Pastor Jack Abeelen on 'Marriage, divorce & remarriage', and other than adultery, Christ is pretty much dead set against divorce. I can't help but wonder how long do I go through the motions? I've said it before and I'll reiterate again today....I love my wife...and want nothing more than a solid marriage.....but I really feel that my wife's definitions of a heavenly partnership in marriage that Christ defines is very askew from my definition, and continued behaviors so far lead me to believe that change is going to be very slow, if at all.

So despite listening to those CD's, my thoughts went back to divorce again. I'm wondering if I would be indeed happier and healthier both mentally and emotionally if I did indeed move on. I've pictured myself more than once already having a consultation with a lawyer about legal separation and still wonder what is stopping me. I picture living in my house alone for the foreseeable future and making sure I can survive and how would I even go about getting a room mate or paying the bills. I pretty much know re-dating would be long off and I think I am a person built for companionship and eventual re-marriage. I even am thinking about children again, and if not my own biological children from a fresh beginning, then helping raise another child in a loving and spiritual household. I don't see any of that happening under the current situation no matter how many different angles I look at it from.

My counselor told me to write my thoughts out when I get like this, so perhaps if you think my thoughts/post went off on a tangent...these are my pure and unfiltered thoughts and really isn't supposed to be a message based on faith today.

Peaceful Days

2009-04-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

While I am a bit tired right now and could probably use a nap in general, things have been relatively peaceful the last few days.

I went to counseling this past Tuesday and it was fine. I only shed tears for a moment. And I'm happy to report my wife is going sometime today if she hasn't gone already by now.

The last two days in particular have seemed very peaceful both at home and at work, and I'm looking forwards to going back to church this weekend. We've both been talking with each other and I notice that we are both willing to try to make certain accommodations for each other at home. We've taken turns this week in making meals and/or cleaning up afterwards for each other and the overall tone at the house has been tranquil.

My step-daughter comes tomorrow and we had discussed earlier on going out to pizza together for a family meal, and then some time later on in the afternoon on Saturday to go bowling together.

I received my 6 CD set yesterday, "Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage" by Pastor Jack Abeelen and will listen to the first CD hopefully today.

Work has been busy the last few days, though I do feel a bit burnt out right now...like I said earlier, just tired and could use an extra hour or so of sound sleep. This afternoon will go by rather slowly I suppose, and the best thing I have on my docket is walking my dog when I get home.

Therapy Tonight

2009-04-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

The last few days have actually gone better than expected.

After a few weeks of being miserable, confrontation, emotional, and wondering if my marriage was going to survive or not....we've actually been getting along very good the last couple of days.

Friday evening we went out for a dinner date and had a real good time. Dinner was good and talking about the good 'ole days seems to both put us in a receptive mood towards each other. Afterwards, we drove to a small little venue to listen to some music and met a very nice man who inexplicably began talking to us about marriage and the Lord. Deep down inside I was very excited and wonder if God sent this man into our lives at that moment to speak to us, or at least my wife.

Saturday I went out with my guy friends and had a great day seeing old friends and laughing and sharing.

Sunday I did skip church again (2 weeks in a row) to do chores about the house. My wife also agreed to go out with me in the afternoon for a snack and to meet a few mutual friends for dinner.

Monday, I met her at her bowling alley and hung out for an hour and then left, and she was home early!

Tonight I have a session, and we are having dinner together afterwards, and she shared with me that she is going back for her own therapy session again on Thursday.

So at the very least, we have stabilized our relationship and seem to be wanting to work it out and not become another statistic. I can't say we are out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping that your continued prayers and our own re-dedicated efforts towards each other may have a long lasting effect.

A New Day

2009-04-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

Since they are no longer two but one, let no one seperate them, for God has joined them together - (Matthew 19:6)

Yesterday I really had a tough day of things. My emotions ebbed and flowed throughout the day and by the time I got home last night, my appetite was shot... Funny because my wife asked me what I wanted to do for dinner, and I kid you not, I must have offered up 5 different suggestions, and they were all shot down. It ended up having me make tuna helper as a last resort, and I may have had 3/4 of a serving before I just couldn't eat anymore.

My wife was so engrossed in Facebook again, it wasn't until I went to go take a shower....after I ate...that I guess she spooned herself a few bites to eat not in my company.

In the shower, I let the hot water cascade down my head, onto my shoulders and back, just trying to relax. Once out of the shower I opened the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapam (1mg) and looked at the left over 20mg Lexapro tablets I have. For a few minutes I hung onto the medicine cabinet and pictured myself calling my doctor and requesting a refill on both....something you normally wouldn't do, and I can just imagine the quizzing I'd be subject to. He'd most likely want me to come in, charge me for the office visit, and maybe, just maybe agree that I need to go back on the meds.

I'm seriously considering it. I need a little numbness I think, and alcohol is not the answer. A re-trial of the Lexapro (maybe 15mg) for a few weeks may help me regulate my emotions, especially when I have difficult times at work. I'm also going to ask if the Clonzapam comes perhaps in a 2mg form, as 1mg just doesn't seem to be enough...though it does help.

By 10pm I went to bed, and my wife soon followed...on her side of the bed of course, and our mini-schnauzer as the buffer between us.

This morning I reached over and grabbed her hand....to hold it...and surprisingly she held it back. I didn't want to let go even after 10 minutes, and finally asked her if I could snuggle her...and she agreed!! I lay next to her, no words spoken between us, just me hugging her over the top as she fell back asleep in my arms another ten minutes.

I finally had to get up and get ready for work, and I swear I heard her say "Babe, can you take out the trash?" Of course I would anyway, but did I hear right? Did she call me "Babe."? I haven't heard that in so long, and it looks like today started off on the right foot.

Tonight we are going out on a date. I offered to take her to dinner to a specialty seafood restaurant that she inquired about so long ago, and so she agreed. I'm not trying to get my hopes up too much, but it's a start. We'll be meeting at home after work, change, and then take a nice drive to a city we rarely get to anymore to have a nice dinner and hopefully to talk. Afterwards, if it is not too cold, perhaps I can convince her to take a stroll with me under the night sky like we used to do oh so long ago.

On another front, I was listening to a Christian radio station today and heard part of a message entitled "Marriage, Divorce & Remarriage", by Pastor Jack Abeelen. The series itself is 6 parts and I ended making an impulse purchase over the web for the series. Click here to see what I'm talking about. I'm hoping that my wife will listen to it as well, or at least part of it.

Holding it together

2009-04-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but in the last hour or so today I have had an overwhelming sense of dread.

I had a dream last night, very vivid and very detailed in regards to my marriage. In it my wife basically said that she was "going to the marriage counseling sessions but it hadn't changed anything....that she was still no longer in love with me." I awoke in a cold sweat, drenched, at 2:40am this morning and it took me a while to fall back asleep.

I realize it's just a dream and a manifestation of my deepest fears, but the last two days I was doing 'okay', and today I feel like a wreck. I'm barely keeping it together right now, and have already had to take a brief walk outside to hide and hold back the tears in my eyes.

One of the guys from church called me today to check in, and another friend texted me to lend support, but it's not enough right now.

I can't push my wife, lest I drive her away, but she didn't speak to me yesterday about her session, and I have no clue if she's going to go again. She did agree to go out to dinner with me on Friday night....I hinted at it as if it were a date, but I'm not sure she picked up on that. And today when I kissed her goodbye before I went to work, I told her I loved her....but there was no response back. I didn't want to show that it botehred me, but inside it hurts really bad.

It also hurts that I want to be close and intimaet with her, and yet we have been physically apart for almost 3 months now, even though we are under the same roof.

I've got so much on my mind today, and the stess of work isn't helping out in that realm either. I feel contained and holding in my energy and internal rage, afraid to let out a primal scream and let loose like a rabid and feral animal. That's not very grown up of me, and yet that's how I feel.

My motehr in-law called me today as well to see how I'm doing....they are going on vacation today for the next 12 days and so I feel I have another support mechanism lost for now.

Lord, please hear my prayers and see me through this day and the next. Please give me a sign, or have my wife open up to me to see how thinsg are going between us.

Eye of the Storm (Part III)

2009-04-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

**the events that I write about in this series took place almost a week ago, and a lot has happened in a mere five days to even keep up with, so I apologize upfront if things seem disjointed.

My in laws spoke with my wife in a gentle manner as she stood in the kitchen and over the course of the next 45 minutes there were some brief tears on her behalf and on mine. My wife admitted to not be happy lately, but it was beyond even our marriage....work, friends, family, etc. It just seemed to keep piling up and her attitude in general began to turn dour. The outlet being anything else that allowed for temporary escape from the here and now, whether that be alcohol, Facebook, girls night out, etc. She said my constant asking her "what's wrong" was only aggravating her emotions and she was feeling stifled and crowded.

She went on to say that her parents no longer 'knew' her, and nothing was going to get fixed in the next few days or two weeks. That really bothered me because I knew it was a long slow build to get to this point, and I missed some obvious signs and should have interceded long ago. I also know that it isn't going to get solved in just a few days and I never brought up a timeline of a few days or two weeks she kept referring to. But I was tired of coming home to a marriage and relationship that is seemingly in limbo, with only one party trying to move forward and the other non-responsive.

Her father flattered me very nicely by saying that he thought I was a good man, that he knew I loved his daughter, and that she wasn't going to find someone else like me....and she agreed with him, but it stung that she couldn't look at me.

Her mother asked her why she never went to counseling last year when she promised she would, and there was really no answer. Her mother and father then had my wife agree to go to counseling this week, and my wife said she would call Monday. However, she also directed some pent up anger back towards me again, "What do you want from me?"....I simply replied "You want your old husband back, I want my old wife back."

Other bits and pieces of conversation went back and forth, and by the one hour mark, her parents had hugged her and then my father began to speak to her. I took this time to leave her be as I walked the dog, help clear my head, and be happy it was all over. Even though I had witnessed her beginning to talk both calmly and rationally to her parents and my father, I knew she would harbor ill feelings towards me for the days to come.

When I arrived back home from my walk with the dog, she was leaving the house, off to see her friends for a weekend she planned sometime back. I'll be honest in saying I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time. I was bummed because clearly this was a defining moment, and once again, she was out the door. On the flip side, I know if she stayed home it would be awkward for both of us, and now I needed a day by myself to collect my thoughts and dump my mind, and to pray.

My father stayed a bit behind to speak with me to see if I was going to be okay, and we just sat on the couch for an hour or so before he decided it was okay to leave me be. I spent the remainder of the day doing chores, going to the gym, watching some TV and eventually went to bed.

I also knew that despite my longing to go to church on Sunday, that I really was in no mood to either. I didn't want to face anybody there, and needed to continue to collect my strength throughout the day for when my wife would come home. I'm sure I hadn't heard the last of it, and I wasn't expecting her at home at all until very late in the day or even possibly that evening.

Imagine my surprise when I heard the garage door go up at 10:45am that morning.

To be continued....

Break today

2009-04-21T16:41:00.001-07:00

For the first time in the last 3 weeks, I think I actually got a decent nights sleep, although I did wake up once at 4am and was up for about 20 minutes or so.

Also my anxiety level today is much less...helps that work has been busy.

Well, I have 20 minutes left of work before I go to the marriage counselor solo today. My session is usually just over an hour, and I'm not sure what I feel like talking about today.

On another note, my wife supposedly agreed to go to counseling on her own now and also supposedly called to make an appointment for herself, although she did not share when. I suppose I'll find out this evening when I arrive for my own session.

In the meantime, yours truly needs a little time away and am really trying to rally the 'guy' troops for a Saturday luncheon at this great BBQ joint I found some weeks back. Hopefully I can round up a good 5-7 of my closest guy friends and get out to live a few hours in the sunshine with my male friends and no discussion about marriage woes.

Eye of the Storm (Part II)

2009-04-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

With my in-laws now inside the house and my wife thinking that this is very odd to begin with, the kitchen door knocked again just a mere minute or two later, and in walks my father.

It is at this point my wife begins to see the pieces falling into place and her preliminary quizicle looks turns to an icy stare directed at me. Within an instant I see the transformation of her deamoner go from intrigue to pure betrayal and hardness.

"I can't believe you did this.", she directs solely to me, as if there is no one else in the house and thus begins to storm upstairs. I knew this reaction was coming, but even with two and then some weeks of preparation, it still wasn't enough for me to steel myself against that 'look.'

We all sat quiet for a second, not sure who was going to respond or break the ice first. Eventually it was her father who slowly took the stairs to the second level of our house and asked his daughter to come down and speak like an adult. By this time she had secreted away to our master bathroom and would not come out. Her dad gave her a minute or so and finally came down. It was my turn to try and I ascended to the op of the landing asking her to come and speak with us...and to me. My in-laws and father could not see her at this point, but she emerged from the vanity and stood defiantly in our bedroom, directing an outstretched pointed finger in my direction, gritting her teeth, eyes smoldering like coal and demanding why I brought her parents into 'our' problem.

I explained to her I really had no other choice. I had given her over two weeks to open up to me, to make a first step after giving her as much space as she needed, and during this whole time she never once displayed any inclination of ever wanting to fix or admit anything. No, I was pretty much done paying the price for something I didn't even know I was paying the price for, let alone be ignored for one more day longer. If this marriage is to be over, then she will have to make a decision of some sort today....no more "I need more time", or "I'm not willing to talk". That is acceptable to a point, but at our ages (39 both) the continued silence and wanton attitude of hers had reached its limit for me. Not that I was ever mad or angry...I was completely sad and heartbroken, and everyday it was becoming a worse and worse struggle to want to come home and deal with. No, something had to be answered today, at least for my own sanity, even if it was to be the worst words I ever wanted to hear...divorce...but by-golly, something was gonna give today....she was either going to start to meet me halfway, or she was going to move out.....and I had full support from her parents, her sister and brotehr-in-law, and my own parents.

I continued to stand my ground to ask her to come down and speak, although I was to be on the receving end of a few more minutes of scathing remarks and accusations. 'Betrayer' was the worst of them, because I never ever felt I betrayed her....but normal actions weren't getting us anywhere, just making me sicker and sicker by the day....affecting my appetite, my work, my concentration, my spirit, etc. As my sister-in-law once said, "It's time to pull the pin. Be ready for the fallout. It ain't gonna be pretty."

Realizing that there was nowhere else to go, and no one was going to leave anytime soon, she finally came downstairs, but refused to sit. No, she stood in the kitchen the entire time, eyes shifting from all of us or to the ground, but mostly towards me. Thank goodness my family was there and God was with me, otherwise I'm not sure I could have handled it on my own.

We didn't speak about alcohol or poor financial decsions, and in a way I'm glad. Perhaps those are battles for another time and will be dealt with in counseling. Today's purpose was to get my wife to agree to go to counseling for 'issues' that were not only troubling her, but tearing this marriage apart at the foundations. It was done with love and not accusations. It was done not as an ambush, but to get her to recognize that running away may be convienent in the short term, buying some time to sweep thinsg under the rug, but the pile had been building and building and building and something was about to pop....most likely me, and I wanted to ensure both my wife and my family that I was here to save my marriage and that I love my wife and I had not given up. I may have given up 3 years ago when I was struggling to find God again in the midst of depression and pharmacueticals and even considered cashing it all in (if you know what I mean). But I survived that dark time, and now I noticed parallels in my wife's life and I don't want her to suffer the same way I did, or to hurt anyone either intentionally or accidentally (through alcohol or some other stunt).

The goal is not to deny the past and the wrong doings, but to know that God is love, and there is a way out if you allow Him in and let others help. The goal is accept what has been done, accept responsibility, possibly nmake some changes (small at first), but to move in a direction from this point forward that moves the marriage to reconciliation and into a Godly light. The goal for this exact moment was to have her make a decision,....that this marriage was worth saving with her involvement, or she was going to have to leave...today....and the decsion was hers to make. I couldn't force her anymore to do anything, including to love me, but I didn't have to have her stay at my house if she wasn't going to try anything.

To be continued....

Eye of the Storm (Part I)

2009-04-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

I wanted to start this entry with a verse, but the one that I had in mind elludes me right now. It had something to do letting Christ walk before you, leading the way as trials and tribulations occur. Although these events may be tests, (or maybe not) it is to be our submittal of will to Him, that will ensure that He sees us through these tumultous times. Maybe it will come to me later.

Friday evening, after work I was very surprised to have my wife invite me out with her friends. Though I didn't want to stay too long (as I was reminded of our dog needing to be fed and walked, and I too was so tired both physically and emotionally), I chose to go spend some time with her. It was fun, and for the almost two hours I was with her and her group, I was actually able to let my guard down and create a bubble within the time-space continum which is our crisis and have a good time. And I think my wife had a good time with me as well.

I was home by 7:30 pm, and I felt slightly guilty towards that I had left our dog alone for so long. I fed him, took a shower and sat down to watch TV. My wife had stayed a little longer and was home just before 9pm. We spent the rest of the evening just watching a bit of TV, and were both in bed no later than 11pm. I knew it was going to be D-day the next morning.

Totally out of character for a Saturday morning, my wife was up by 7am (she usually sleeps in much longer) and already making coffee. I rousted myself out of bed by 7:30 myself and to keep busy started doing chores. I did a load of laundry, water the plants, took in the trash cans, folded clothes, etc...keeping an eye on the clock as the next two hours seemed to drag on forever.

At roughly 9:15 (with only minutes to go before my in-laws and father were to show up), I went outside and had a cup of coffee in my drive way. My legs started to feel numb and I just wanted to get this all over with. My wife came out as well, just minutes later to have a cigarette and ask me what I was doing outside...."Just getting some fresh air.", I replied which was the truth, but I was also praying in earnest.

At 9:25am my in-laws car pulled up in front of the house, and my wife was clearly surprised. "What are you guys doing here?", she inquired.

Her mom spoke "Oh, we were in the neighborhood.....Do you have any coffee?"

To be continued....

The Day of Reckoning

2009-04-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

It is 7pm right now and I sit home alone as my wife left to visit her friends about an hour and a half ago.

She's angry right now and not in the mood to talk to me. While she says she doesn't 'hate' me right now, it's clear she doesn't want to be around me this evening. She feels betrayed and humiliated.

Last night she asked me to joing her for dinner, and we actually had a very nice time. For the first time in weeks, we were laughing and joking, and smiling, and while it wasn't perfect, it was the closest thing I've experienced to the old us...of years back...before the depression hit me.

For a brief minute I thought about calling the whole thing off today, but I knew in the back of my head that one evening of getting along doesn't make up for all the previosu weeks and months of heartbreak, tears and loneliness.

She awoke at 6:15 which is unusual for her on a Saturday morning, and I laid in bed staring at the cieling until just before 7am. 2.5 hours to go.

I came downstairs and had a cup of coffee...and again there she was on Facebook. I watched some recorded tv, and she glanced up from time to time, and Ikept looking at the clock. As we got closer to 9am, I began to get nervous. I knew it wasn't going to go well.

I received a text message on my cellphone. It was a gentleman from church who was wishingme luck and stating that I was in his prayers. My legs felt wobbly, and once again, just liek the Sunday before, I felt as if I were about to faint.

My in-laws shows up right on time, and when my wife saw them, became slightly suspicisous, but cordial to them. It's when my own father showed up in the driveway just minutes later did she finally start putting two and two together....and then there was the look directed towards me....the look of pure venom and daggers as she knew what was about to take place. If looks could kil, I received the death glare multiple times over and she scurried upstairs.

I called to her to come down, and after two or three minutes, her father went upstairs to ask her to come down.

I won't go into all the gory details, but the fact is my wife felt betrayed. She asked me how I could do this to her...that this was between her and I...and I just replied, I wish it were that simple, but since you will not and have not taken an opportunity to speak with me in over 12 days and I see no effort on your behalf to even attempt a meeting, I agreed for her parents to interject.

Her mother, her father, and myself took turns trying to speak in a calm and rational voice, but my wife was clearly in denial and anger. After presenting a few pieces of evidence from her parents, she finally admitted that she had problems, that she takes full resposnibility for them, but she wasn't ready. Her mother stepped up to the plate on my behalf and siad her actiosn and answeres were not acceptable, that it went beyond just our marriage, but how my wife has changed in general the last year or so. My father in law point blank asked her on what she was doing to save the marriage and what efforts that she had made, and she admitted that she had not done anything. They did it in a loving way and I felt that all the so called progress we made just the day before was starting to slip from my grasp once again.

I reiterated that I do not seek a divorce or speration, and neither did she....but it was clear that her anger towards me was tangoible for orchestrating such a coup. She then realized that her sister and brotehr-in-law was alos in on it as now it made sennse why they offered to take our step-daughter this weekend.

The whole talk lasted no more than an hour, and my wife relucantly agreed to make an appointment for a counsler next week. She promised both her mom and dad and said however that things weren't going to be fixed in a week or two, and I said I didn't expect them to be, but this was the first step. When everyone said it was going to get uglier beofre it gets better, they were all right. My family said I did the right thing, and they all said they were proud of me and reiterated that they know that I have given it my all....but why then do I feel so crappy and alone.

After everyone left by noon, it was apparant my wife is now going to avoid me and give me the cold shoulder. I expected it to a certain degree, but the look on her face spoke volumes....I am far from being out of the woods by any means, but I guess it;s a good idea she isn't staying her tonight. I hope she doesn't do anything to crazy or drink to much and get hurt.

My inlaws and father were happy with the answer she gave that she would go to counseling next week, and I suppose I just need to see and wait to see if it does come to fruition. This is indeed the very last step and chance. If she fails to comply, thenI know she didn't mean anything today, and that she doesn't want to try even though she said she does. I guess it's a stay for a week, and by next week...or two...I amy have to move forward by asking her to leave. But at least the big event is now over, and hopefully the healing can begin....but knowing the pride and stubborness of my wife....it's going to take all the patience I already don't have to mentally survive the next week or so. I already dread the silent treatment I kknow I am about to receive tomorrow when she returns.

Sublime Peace

2009-04-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

It's 2:30 pm in the afternoon right now.....and I know I am less about 19 hours away from having the 'reality' check with my wife and family....and I feel oddly at peace right now.

That is...right now.

I'm sure that as time marches on to the inevitable hour, I may feel worse and get anxious again.

My sister in law just emailed me some pointers about tomorrow to keep the speech short, focused, and on topic. And minutes I received that email, my father called my cell phone to check in on me.

It's wierd, the last two weeks I have run through over 100 versions of almost the same speech over and over in my head, and the closer I get to the time...it seems the shorther my speech will be. It almost feels that it can be as short as "You either want to work on this marriage or not. If so, then you will go to counseling with me next Tuesday...and be on time with an open mind and allow your guard to be down. If not, then I'm sorry that our marriage means that little after 5 years that you won't even try or give at least one hour to it....so you must pack your essentials and leave the house today and you can call me when you are ready to get serious. End of story."

I can't let this drag on for hours and hours tomorrow, and I don't want to get into the blame game or pointing fingers. We both know the history and the score right now....it's not going to do us any good to to begin pointing fingers. You're either in, or you're out. No more waiting, no more guessing, no more stalls.

By this time tommorrow I will know if my marriage is salvageable or not.

Turning point?

2009-04-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

Last night when my wife arrived home from work she finally read the two photo-copied chapters of "The Five languages of Love" I had given her two days before. I was hoping it would have opened a dialouge between us when she was done, and after a few minutes of silence (as if she was digesting it), I decided to break the ice.

I told her that I saw both of us laying particular roles in the stories that were illustrated...that perhaps neither once of us was actually wrong, but clearly our inability to connect, converse, and to relate to each other was at an all time high....and quite literally being the foundation of our marriage of five years erroding from underneath us. She listened to me, and although I was waiting for a response, it just never came. Instead, here we were with Facebook again starting at 8pm, and once her computer crapped out and wasn't responding somewhere around 10pm any longer, she switched to her mobile phone to get her fix. Other than that we had an enjoyable dinner... and I felt 'okay' at best.

We went to bed at around 11pm, and I knew I was tired. But my spirit was still restless. Here, in my mind, was yet another day that had come and gone with nothing resolved. At approx midnight I began to toss and turn and my heart began to pound with anxious engery. I felt that my wife was also stirring so I asked her some questions:

1) How do you feel about us? A: I dunno. (pause)
2) Do you want this marriage to work? Do you want to try? A: Yes...but it's not going to change overnight and I feel as if you are pushing it.
3) How so? I have given you plenty of space this last week and a half, doing exactly what the counsler ask me to do...to not call, email, give you space....and I feel I have been plenty patient, yet I feel as if you are 'indifferent' to the whole thing right now. A: As you said, it has only been a week and these things take time. My feeling can't adjust that quickly.
4) I realize that, and I know there is no magic wand that will cure our ills overnight....but you need to throw me a bone....give me a hint because this isn't working for me.

silence

I tried to roll over and go back to bed, but it just wasn't working for me. I went downstairs and attempted to sleep on the couch, but my puppy and best friend would not let me sleep. After trying unsuccessfully for an additional 30 minutes or so, I headed back upstairs and back to our bed to try and fall asleep.

Eventually somewhere around 2:30 I must have finally dozed off and was awoken at around 6:15 with my wife finally getting up. I laid in bed, under the covers, trying to keep warm and staring at the cieling. My thoughts turned to the fact it was Friday adn in approx 27 hours the confrontation would be just beginning.

To my surprise my wife came back in the bedroom around 6:40 am with a cup of coffee in hand and began to speak to me. I stayed in bed, and listened, and responded...making sure I did not raise my voice or get angry. The words began to tuble from her mouth, as they did mine, and I took note that I began to stutter on occassion and my mouth was like a desert....dry...while I searched for words. Overall, I'd like to think our conversation was productive. She finally admited that she has some issues. She said it may be PMS, or menapause, or stress, or a combination of things and admitted to some extend that I may unfairly be taking the brunt of it lately. She proclaimed that she would like to be a better communicator, but for some reason she just can't and she wants to work on it, but doesn't know how. I told her I am fully aware I need to make changes as well and that I recognize some areas in my life I also need to change, but tried to stay firm and make it clear that we 'both' had issues, not just me, and I can't continue to come home day after day after day and be kept at arms distance.

She also said she did not want to divorce and could see us together in the future. Well, that was indeed nice to hear, but I can only assume there is a price tag attached. And that price tag sure enough is that 'I have to prove' I mean it, and even if I bend over backawards and continue to bide my time, go to sessions of therapy, pray, and be the best husband I can possibly be....it's no guarantee that she's going to continue to open up to me or rally want to put some effort into it.

That's not good enough for me.

We said our vows before God and our families....again...for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. We both need to come to the meeting table and be willing to work on this right now....not just me.

There were some tears shed on her behalf, and I listened intently, making sure never to interupt her. I told her I know she wants her old husband back, the guy before the depression three years ago....but I also want my old wife back...the one who was caring and loving and excited to be around me as well.

She then questioned me out of the blue: "Have you spoken to my mom about this?" Uh, oh...I know this is a very, very delicate subject. She doesn't like me speaking to her mom about us, but she's going to find out anyway and lying isn't going to help my case. "Yes, I have spoken to her recently and my father."..."Even though I asked you not to?".."Yes, I spoke to them prior to you telling me not to, and I have every right to. They are family and since I cannot speak with you and you have been unwilling to speak with me, and I can't talk about this with people at work, and I'm not going to air my dirty laundry to the neighbors, I need to talk to someone and your mother always said I coudl come to her no matter what. I can't keep these emotions just bottled up inside me lest I explode. It's bad enough that I come home and we don't talk. This is our marriage we are talking about, and going to a paid counsler once a week for a timed hour is not enough to let me unload and feel healthy."

I could tell my wife was getting irritated at this point, but 'oh, well', really...this is the least of our problems if she is mad I am seeking counsel from family, especially when they offer their aid.

At this point I was looking at the clock and saw that if I didn't leave now, I would be late to work. I told her thank you for speaking with me, that I rally appreciate it, and that I'm not trying to cut and run, but I can't be late. I gave her a hug, and she hugged me back, tears in her eye and a little bit of anger in the feeling I betrayed her for speaking about our problems with the family....but she needs to get over this.....and I hoping that tomorrow despite her hostility and coldness right now, that something will be said or demonstrated that I am not giving up or walking away....that the ball is in her court, but if she doesn't agree to start working on us right away, that she needs to leave.

Please pray for me that all goes well tomorrow.